*****************************************************
Meet the Press - July 22, 2007
Guests:
Mike McConnell, Director of National Intelligence
U.S. Senator Russ Feingold
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Russert: ok Mike what should we panic about right now!!!???
Mike McConnell: mass casualties and attacks on vital economic structures - for example they might attack a Wal-Mart
Russert: do they have nukes
McConnell: no but they have access to lighters and blowtorches
Russert: why haven't we been attacked recently
McConnell: cause we have daily conference calls where we discuss new and innovative ways to deliver a mass beat down on muslim ass
Russert: are there sleeper cells here to kill our blond-haired and blue-eyed women?
McConnell: we're not sure so we've put every brown person under surveillance
Russert: your report says Al Qaeda is back and bigger and better than ever!
McConnell: Pakistan appeased Osama bin Laden and gosh darn it now they have a safe haven when Bush heard about it he said well H E double hockey sticks!!
Russert: why can't you capture Osama
McConnell: in my vast experience in intelligence it's easier to find something big like a mountain or aircraft carrier or elephant or something
Russert: could we trade Musharraf for Osama and some draft picks
McConnell: well Bush has named Musharraf a franchise player so we would want at least an all-star, but we feel that Osama's injuries make him less desirable
Russert: is he dead or alive
McConnell: if we get a video we'll have Frist make a diagnosis and get back to you
Russert: do we torture
McConnell: oh heavens to betsy no Bush has ordered that all accounts of torture be labeled aberrations and low level people be punished
Russert: waterboarding yes or no
McConnell: dood i can't give away our best stuff some of it is really cool though
Russert: these are all known terrorists
McConnell: yes and they had information that we really need like how to get the hell out of iraq
Russert: what other secrets do they have
McConnell: one guy knew how the new harry potter book ended
Russert: you should use the Cruciatus Curse
McConnell: don’t think we haven’t tried everything
Russert: but we don’t torture
McConnell: riiiight
[winks at Russert]
McConnell: plus they knew our country’s reputation for torturing people in ghastly ways so they confess before we even get a chance to torture them
Russert: wow score one for the United States of America
McConnell: there is an element of extremism that goes from the Levant to South Africa
Russert: scary
McConnell: AQ has united all these groups of people who hate America
Russert: and now they're active in Iraq when they weren't before
McConnell: that's true but the schools have freshly painted rubble
Russert: which is worse al qaeda or sectarian violence
McConnell: well there is some hot sunni on sunni action but mostly Shia vs. Sunni
Russert: not Al Qaeda? what about what Bush said
McConnell: Al Qaeda is part of sectrarian violence they are committing crimes - why they even ripped the tags off their mattresses
Russert: according the new book you said Bush politicized intelligence - true?
McConnell: right you can't decide what result you want and then go looking for it
Russert: but it's all better now
McConnell: yes it's so refreshing Cheney wants to me to speak truth to power
[ Russert spits out coffee ]
Russert: dood are you talking about Dick Cheney??
McConnell: Saddam killed 300,000 people and then his generals lied to Bush which is just outrageous
Russert: r u hyping intelligence?
McConnell: no cherry picking we're giving it to em straight
Russert: if you say so dood
[ break ]
Russert: Russ Feingold can u end the war
Russ Feingold: a Senate majority just voted to end the war this was my idea and when I first had it it was crazy now i've been vindicated
Russert: well you're a democrat that's your role in life
Feingold: i don't like you Tim Russert
Russert: reporters say if we leave it will be total chaos
Feingold: we've got to get the other countries involved in stabilizing iraq
Russert: what if the whole country explodes!!!
Feingold: dood the US is the cause of instability
Russert: bush wants to stay isn't he right
Feingold: the people of America voted in November to pull out of Iraq so naturally one year later we will be debating how big the troop increase should be
Russert: what are you going to do about it tough guy
Feingold: censure the President and Cheney for the Iraq war, corruption, the illegality…
Russert: don't you suck
Feingold: heck i won the wiretapping battle didn't i
Russert: why do you hate our fine president
Feingold: oh no this is a middle ground course heck most americans want to see Bush impeached
Russert: will right wing wackos like Joe Lieberman vote for it
Feingold: i seriously doubt it but more moderate Republicans like Gordon Brown and Vlad Dracul have expressed interest
[ break ]
Russert: Feingold can't talk sense into Bush
Bob Woodward: what are you going to Bush is the dictator
David Brooks: Bush is amazing he still loves apple pie and democracy and thinks god speaks to him every day
Russert: but Bush lied to get us into war
Brooks: there are alot of Serious Debates in DC right now about how we can avoid admitting the hippies were right
Russert: censure Bush?
Brooks: that would be a big mistake for the Democrats there are some Republicans who are desperate to get away from Bush and this won't let them do that
Russert: um dood i think that's kind of the point
Russert: Cheney is deranged isn't he
Stephen Hayes: last year we had al qeada on the run which proves Bush was right and now that it's stronger than ever that proves Cheney was right
Russert: last throes?
Hayes: yeah he admitted that was wrong given the glaring reality
Russert: he has no doubts
Hayes: no he's right even when he's wrong
Woodward: with due respect to the moron to my right Iraq isn't a Theological Serious Debate it's a fucking war and people are being killed every day
Brooks: dood i suffer to why the other day i got an unripe olive in my martini
Woodward: there is no realistic solution it's up to the rational Republicans to talk sense to Bush
Brooks: i fear 250,000 Iraqis will be killed it's very frustrating to me to watch the debate in DC no one seems to understand Iraq like i do
Russert: when the fuck did you become an expert on the middle east Bobo???
Brooks: are we willing to let 125 US soldiers die every month to save 10,000 Iraqis a month
Hayes: genocide - it’s the new talking point
Woodward: where the fuck did you get the number 10,000 Iraqi lives saved or lost or whatever
Brooks: John Burns and the NIE
Woodward: what a lie my god you are truly full of shit
Brooks: no they said genocide
[ waves hands wildly ]
Woodward: where did you get that number
[Brooks gets up on table takes off his pants and underwear, turns his back to Woodward]
Brooks: here i pulled them out of my ass! Are u happy now dood!?!?
Russert: Bobo please sit down this isn’t Nantucket
Russert: is Cheney an evil psychopath or a deranged villain
Hayes: he's the polar opposite of the cliche he's secretive and works the levers of power
Russert: dood that is the cliche
Hayes: oh
Brooks: it's sad that there is a back channel of power in the White House
Woodward: blame your stupid President moron
Brooks: hey i resent that
Woodward: i can't believe that i - a titan of american journalism - has to share a table with the man who parlayed 'bobos in paradise' into alleged elite iraq punditry
Brooks: i can too talk gud
Woodward: go fuck yourself brooksie before i call mark felt and have you killed
**************************************************************
Sunday, July 22, 2007
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6 comments:
I LOVE YOUR BLOGS.
This was so awesome.
I'm going to heavily use "how can we avoid admitting the bloggers and hippies were right all along about Iraq?"
I put that in my blog.
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