Sunday, September 27, 2009

Meet the Press with Bill Clinton - September 27, 2009

Bill Clinton
Sen. Jim Webb
Sen. John Kyl
Gov. David Paterson
Gregory: What should we do with Iran?

Bill Clinton: Obama got Medvedev and the French all on board - it’s very impressive

Gregory: so do we go to war or appease them entirely?

Clinton: neither

Gregory: do you know what’s going on there?

Clinton: I know the Secretary of State in passing

Gregory: [ serious face ]

Clinton: and then there are the Chinese-

Gregory: do you like my serious face?

Clinton: it’s very nice

Gregory: so war with Iran - yes or no?

Clinton: we should look them in the eye and seduce them

Gregory: should we put 50,000 more troops in Afghanistan?

Clinton: maybe - we should do enough to take down al qaeda and the Taliban and also put in a democracy

Gregory: so how do we decide to launch a new war in this far off remote place?

Clinton: whether or not they hold a run-off election

Gregory: that seems quite peculiar

Clinton: nobody said running an empire while pretending you aren’t was easy

Gregory: fascinating

Clinton: there are Ghosts of Vietnam

Gregory: ooh we should get those Ghost Hunters from the SyFy channel to help!

Clinton: that’s a good idea [ scribbles on a napkin ]

Clinton: this is an away-game for the US military

Gregory: all this would be much easier if you could fight all our wars here in the US

Clinton: plus civil wars make much better tv shows

[ Clinton plays mournful fiddle ]

Gregory: what threat does Al Qaeda pose to the US anyway?

Clinton: they have proven that they can hijack three out of four planes in one day

Gregory: but nothing since then

Clinton: see how diabolical they are?

Gregory: since you left the Presidency you have been very focused on girls and women

Clinton: indeed

Gregory: what have you accomplished?

Clinton: we’ve saved 48 million lives and helped 200 million people

Gregory: yeah but you’ve never been on Dancing with the Stars

Clinton: yeah but dude if I did I would win and you know it

Gregory: is Obama lying by not telling people that he’s going to raise taxes?

Clinton: so you are taking an editorial position and then accusing him of lying by not agreeing with David Gregory’s position?

Gregory: that’s right

Clinton: what if he’s right and you’re wrong - wouldn’t that make you deceitful?

Gregory: [ looks confused ]

Clinton: Hillary told me you are a moron

Gregory: but the taxes!!

Clinton: calm down fluffy

Gregory: has Obama failed to sell government?

Clinton: they only thing he needs to do is deliver results

Gregory: has he asked for your help?

Clinton: sure but he’s pretty fucking smart

Gregory: is there a vast right wing hate machine?

Clinton: you bet - they accused me of murder and Obama of being the Kenyan Stalin

Gregory: so much fun

Clinton: but it’s not good for the Republican party to just be associated with screaming people waving pictures of Obama as an African witch doctor

Gregory: with there be another 1994?

Gregory: no because there are more Hispanic voters, 8 years of bad Bush years and Obama didn’t take on the gun lobby

Gregory: will you run for President again?

Clinton: I would be awesome [ daydreaming ]

Gregory: so yes?

Clinton: no that’s for Hillary now - I never knew being a free agent traveling the world would be so much damm fun

[ break ]

Gregory: Senator should we be terrified of Iran?

Kyl: talk is useless - we need to attack Iran now!!

Webb: look we’ve got Russia and Europe on board that’s a huge advance

Kyl: Iran is clearly planning on putting a nuke on a missile and hitting Kansas

Gregory: yikes

Kyl: the easy solution is to overthrow the government of Iran

Webb: he’s damm lunatic

Gregory: Ahmedinejad?

Webb: no Senator Kyl

Gregory: we all know that

Kyl: oh sure we could impose sanctions or whatever but we’ll probably need to go to war

Gregory: McChrystal says he needs thousands of more troops

Webb: sure but-

Gregory: OMG we need more troops now!!!

Webb: look fluffy Obama is right to ask exactly what we’re trying to accomplish and how we’re going to do it

Gregory: but the general has got such a nice uniform

Webb: we don’t want to be an occupying power but Afghanistan has never had a national army

Gregory: you want to impose a deadline

Webb: no I want to think very carefully before we commit to building a new nation in a mountainous desert nation of religious fanatics

Kyl: leave Utah out of this

Gregory: Condi Rice says if we don’t put in 40,000 more troops it will lead to another 9/11

Kyl: and she would know!

Webb: oh for god’s sake - are we know responsible for turning Afghanistan into a democratic paradise?

Gregory: but we defeated al qaeda in Iraq!

Webb: they weren’t there until we showed up!

Gregory: but-

Webb: and they left before the Surge!

Kyl: yeah but Al Qaeda is in Afghanistan and they love it there - and we can’t take any time to make the perfect decision - we need to rush headlong into an Asian war without thinking about it!

Webb: hey it’s only the opinion of one general who just got there

Gregory: did Obama make a mistake in doing the right thing on Gitmo?

Webb: jesus you really are fucker

[ break ]

Gregory: Governor Paterson Obama really knee-capped you

Paterson: the President never told me directly not to run

Gregory: c’mon didn’t the White House say don’t run

Paterson: well a lot of people have told me not to run

Gregory: was the White House one of them?

Paterson: maybe

Gregory: were you stunned that Obama told you not to run?

Paterson: I’m blind but not oblivious

Gregory: I see

Paterson: well I’m running for Governor anyway

Gregory: why are your polls so low?

Paterson: because we’re running out of money and I had to cut $30 billion

Gregory: 80% of New Yorkers don’t like you

Paterson: hey I bravely appointed a Lt. Governor

Gregory: wow

Paterson: I’ve been fighting the odds all my life dammit

Gregory: do you blame race for your bad press?

Paterson: no I don’t I think people should dislike me for many many other reasons

Gregory: Gov how will you balance the budget?

Paterson: I already did fluffy

Gregory: but you have a deficit

Paterson: hey at least I’m not cutting child care or letting people out of prison early like some other action-movie-bodybuilder governors I could mention

Gregory: before we go Governor do you like my hair?

[ fluffs hair ]

Paterson: It’s lovely David

This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 27, 2009

Secretary of Defense Bob Gates
Senator John McCain
Stephanopoulos: Bob do we more troops in Afghanistan or not?

Gates: Gen. McChrystal has now told us that Afghanistan really really really sucks

Stephanopoulos: and this was news to you?

Gates: it came as a complete surprise

Stephanopoulos: how can you hold an election in a place run religious fundamentalists and other assorted lunatics and total wackos?

Gates: I’m not here to talk about Florida

Stephanopoulos: right

Stephanopoulos: is there a rift between the uniformed military and Team Obama?

Gates: no not at all - Obama can bring all people together

Stephanopoulos: but waiting to surge may be putting our soldiers at risk!

Gates: in a war zone? - oh no!

Stephanopoulos: so how do we destroy the Taliban?

Gates: we have to be really close to the ground - maybe underneath it

Stephanopoulos: how many people do we need to kill?

Gates: but George it’s not just about killing - it’s about a new approach and a strategy

Stephanopoulos: like what?

Gates: make new friends by painting smiley faces on our missile-firing drones

Stephanopoulos: ah

Stephanopoulos: what will success in Afghanistan look like?

Gates: it will look like what we’ve done in Iraq

Stephanopoulos: a widely despised occupying power trapped in a quagmire?

Gates: but with soft ice cream!

Stephanopoulos: Will Obama apologize to Iran?

Gates: let me quote the President: fuck that shit

Stephanopoulos: but maybe the Iranians have a peaceful nulear program

Gates: well then why not let IAEA inspectors in like Saddam did?

Stephanopoulos: look how well that turned out for him

Gates: fair point

Stephanopoulos: Iran is close to break-out!

Gates: that means they have enough uranium to later enrich if they could do it and then later hypothetically build a bomb

Stephanopoulos: maybe

Gates: we’re seeing destabilization in Iran like we haven’t seen since the US overthrew the government the last time

Stephanopoulos: fascinating

Gates: severe sanctions might lead to an Iranian revolution

Stephanopoulos: that should work out great

Gates: I’m looking forward to it

Stephanopoulos: what about Gitmo?

Gates: it’s a happy place

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: do you still think Gitmo should be closed?

McCain: yes but I what I really want to do is whine that Obama is doing everything right but that’s still bad

Stephanopoulos: I’m not following

McCain: Gitmo makes the U.S. look brutal and that’s bad but - let’s not rush into our new non-brutal image

Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan?

McCain: I would remind you that Iraq was in flames and in total chaos almost as bad as Afghanistan and the surge worked

Stephanopoulos: wow it sure sounds like our empire-building is really going great

McCain: our friends in the region are getting nervous

Stephanopoulos: what friends?

McCain: our new allies like al qaeda

Stephanopoulos: ever since Obama became President we realized that debt is bad and our troops are very stressed

McCain: the best way to relieve the stress on our troops is put them back in combat and let them win

Stephanopoulos: really?

McCain: our troops are very fragile and it will be 10 years before they recover mentally if we don’t kick more ass in Afghanistan

Stephanopoulos: don’t our troops just want to come home to their families?

McCain: no they want to stay forever and ever or they will be very depressed for a decade or two

Stephanopoulos: if you say so

McCain: [ crazy laughter ]

Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan is way fucked up

McCain: even the President’s brother is an embarrassment

Stephanopoulos: but that’s normal in American politics - Billy, Roger, Marvin

McCain: exactly

McCain: look I get that crazy lefties don’t want a wasteful 10-year war but Abraham Lincoln burned Atlanta which proves you can’t make a freedom omelette without breaking a few thousands eggs

Stephanopoulos: well put

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Meet the Press with Barack Obama - September 20, 2009

Meet the Press
September 20, 2009
Barack Obama
Eugene Robinson
Roger Simon
Gregory: welcome and thank you for coming President Barack - do you like my hair?

Obama: tick tock, dipshit

Gregory: sorry - Bam what exactly is your health care plan?

Obama: cut premiums, eliminate pre-existing conditions, fewer costs, cap out-of-pocket expenses and be deficit neutral

Gregory: what unpopular things will you do?

Obama: I’ve already made alot of tough choices

Gregory: like you finally told those dirty public option-loving hippies to fuck off - and I loved it!

Obama: no I didn’t liar

Gregory: ok so what will you do people will hate?

Obama: I’m going to force people to buy health insurance

Gregory: yeah but that’s easy - health insurance is cheap

Obama: no it isn’t

Gregory: [ blow drys hair ] sorry what?

Obama: and I conceded on tort reform and many other Republican ideas

Gregory: but when are you really taking on the dirty leftist hippies???

Obama: maybe you haven’t been paying attention but I gave the GOP everything they wanted!

Gregory: but you haven’t resigned!

Obama: um,, no

Gregory: or put hippies in internment camps where they belong!

Obama: give me another six months

Gregory: is Jimmy Carter right that all your opponents are racists?

Obama: no - some of them are just out of their fucking minds

Gregory: but just to be clear are you saying there is no racism in America or that everyone in America is a racist?

Obama: Rahm Emmanuel told me you were a moron

Gregory: but you’re blackness is so controversial!

Obama: this is catnip to idiots like you

Gregory: could this lead to violence?

Obama: let me put it this way

[ punches Gregory in the face ]

Gregory: ow!

Obama: the loud crazy person seems to get all the attention from the media these days

Gregory: but we have to cover famous mentally ill people -- that's people are talking about!

Obama: i suppose the first Congressman to call me a nigger will get on the cover of Time magazine

Gregory: i can see it now - "Racist or Just Having Fun?"

Obama: apparently the easiest way to get on tv is be a rude obnoxious asshole

Gregory: not all the protestors were like that

Obama: I was talking about you

Gregory: oh that gives me a sad

Obama: calm down Fluffy

Gregory: Afghanistan?

Obama: we’re going to kick al-qaeda ass and if we can’t do that then we’re going to get out

Gregory: who is going to win the World Series?

Obama: the fucking White Sox

Gregory: but they suck

Obama: ok the damm Yankees

Gregory: ooooh

[ break ]

Gregory: Boner - I dare you to say something non-stupid

Boehner: Big Government arble garble

Gregory: are you conservatives all racists?

Boehner: Big Govgarble babaabbaabafrmf merrrgle

Graham: Obama accused Republicans of lying so we had to call him a Nazi

Gregory: but Grassley really was a liar

Lindsay: the President is clearly an unhinged lunatic screaming all the time and being all combative by saying he wouldn’t tolerate liars - that was a slap in the face to the GOP

Gregory: no offense but you people come across as frankly crazy and we’re all worried about another Oklahoma City

Lindsay: well people carrying guns and committing bombings is quite understandable when Obama is proposing a very high budget

Gregory: that justifies calling Obama Hitler?

Bohener: cap and trade - people are scared to death!!

Gregory: to death?? over that??

Boehner: he’s a socialist and he’s going to destroy the country and people are really really really scared!!

Gregory: George Bush left this country a wreck and all you can do is scream about Marxist and compare Obama to Pol Pot

Boehner: no we have great ideas like ending malpractice lawsuits and letting people buy health insurance on the market

Gregory: that’s it?

Boehner: Obama never invites me to the White House
[ starts sobbing ]

Gregory: don’t cry boney

Boehner: this plan will fail

Gregory: so what the fuck are you crying about?

Boehner: [ sniffles]
he needs to hit the reset button

Gregory: Lindy what does the President need to do ?

Graham: he needs to get off the tv and give the Republicans what they want

Gregory: why is Obama failing?

Graham: he keeps telling people what they want to hear and that’s why people are rejecting him

Gregory: tell me about Afghanistan

Graham: we need to leave with security and honor and then hand it all off to that loser Karzai

Boehner: [ sobbing ]
all he talks about is going after al qaeda that is a very big change and I’m very concerned

Gregory: stop crying for god’s sake

Boehner: but there’s something amiss here
[ wipes tears ]

Gregory: Obama rejected missile defense which doesn’t work

Graham: it’s a total capitulation to the Russians and Iran and we’ve abandoned the little Czechs

Gregory: speaking of sleazey Republicans what about Sanford?

Graham: if we get rid of him they’ll just be another one

Gregory: hey Tom DeLay is Dancing with the Czars - what a second act!

Boehner: you should go on with Karl Rove

Gregory: that would be so cool!

[ break ]

Gregory: Eugene Robinson you say that a lot of the teabagging weirdos are racists

Robinson: undoubtedly - every time you go to one of these rallies the nuts show up claiming he shouldn’t even be President and he's a British-Indonesian Muslim born in Kenya

Gregory: but people said also Bush was not legitimately elected

Robinson: well he wasn’t it

Gregory: and they attacked Clinton and said he wasn’t legitimate

Robinson: that was irrational too

Simon: Jimmy Carter is a fucker - we’re not going to heal racial wounds by pointing out that insane lunatics have been relentlessly attacking the President and send each photoshopped e-mails of Obama as an African witch doctor

Gregory: Has Obama failed to sell government?

Simon: Obama believes entirely in Big Government - that’s who he is

Robinson: jesus people come to rallies bashing government health care and they are on Medicare - they’re completely crazy

Gregory: Is Obama right that the media is full of fuckers?

Simon: we cover bullshit because we brings the truth to the people

Robinson: it’s hypocritical to say the media are shallow and stupid and then go on tv

Gregory: Obama knee-cappped Gov. Paterson!

Simon: shocking - what happened to melanin-solidarity!?

Gregory: Huckabee 2012!!

Robinson: yeah good luck with that

This Week with George Stephanolopous with Barack Obama - September 20, 2009

This Week with George Stephanolopous
September 20, 2009
Guest: President Barack Obama
Stephanolopous: are you going to raise taxes on middle class families?

Obama: the blood sucking insurers already impose their own vampire tax on every American!

Stephanolopous: that is true but-

Obama: we’re going to cover everyone and not add to the deficit

Stephanolopous: how?

Obama: I’m going to nuke Maine and Montana

Stephanolopous: but the higher taxes!

Obama: we’re going to set up a pool for health care exchange with tax credits and make people have health insurance

Stephanolopous: that’s a tax increase!

Obama: no it isn’t

Stephanolopous: yes it is!

Obama: hey dipshit no one can opt-out health care in the ER so we all bear that cost

Stephanolopous: but Merriam-Webster!

Obama: you’re so fucking desperate to call it a tax increase you ran to the dictionary like a big baby

Stephanolopous: but your critics say-

Obama: -say I’m motherfucking Hitler and Stalin Mao and Kanye West all in one - who gives a fuck?!?

Stephanolopous: will you cut Medicare Advantage?

Obama: only for white people

Stephanolopous: are you very angry for Jimmy Carter saying there are racists when we all know racism is gone forever?

Obama: look idiot I know there are lot of racists and fools out there but I think even racists will take health care from a black man when they’re dying!

Stephanolopous: people are terrified you impose a White Person Tax

Obama: by the time my Presidency is done I’m going to get the Teabaggers join the fucking NAACP they’re going to love black people so much!

Stephanolopous: so you don’t hate your critics?

Obama: no we all love America and are all patriots

Stephanolopous: [ puts flag pin on forehead ]

Obama: nice flag dood

Stephanolopous: will you cut off funding for ACORN?

Obama: oh for pete’s sake - what a weasel you are

Stephanolopous: but ACORN-

Obama: no one gives a shit but Fox News asshole

Stephanolopous: ok Afghanistan

Obama: finally a real question

Stephanolopous: how do we win?

Obama: we’re going to crack some fucking skulls

Stephanolopous: tell me about when you realized you are a terrible president

Obama: not to be immodest but there have been times when I realized that I am a little too awesome

Stephanolopous: that must be hard

Obama: of course it’s hard to break through all the Nazi-talk

Stephanolopous: what do you mean

Obama: it’s easy to get on tv if you are rude and stupid

Stephanolopous: that’s not a nice thing to say about Charlie Gibson

Obama: fuck him

Stephanolopous: thanks for talking to me

Obama: shithead


Sunday, September 13, 2009

60 Minutes with Barack Obama - September 13, 2009


Kroft: you finally resorted to using your jedi mind powers on Congress this week

Obama: it was a last resort

Kroft: can you get GOP votes

Obama: i'm still black - so no

Kroft: you said in your campaign you could get crazy people to agree with each other

Obama: well when i was young i unified white people from Kansas and Africans but the GOP in Congress are out of their fucking minds

Kroft: are you willing to cap malpractice judgments?

Obama: it might help medical practice or not

Kroft: i meant for journalists

Obama: oh

Kroft: the trial lawyers own Congress

Obama: fuck you

Kroft: well that's what the GOP says

Obama: dick

Kroft: you promised the moon and to do it for free

Obama: that's right

Kroft: how can we have health care and pay for it?

Obama: because, stupid, we are already spending the money right now - we're just wasting it

Kroft: you are a crazy big spending liberal

Obama: fuck you

Kroft: you nationalized the auto industry

Obama: no really fuck off

Kroft: but

Obama: fuck. off.

Kroft: but

Obama: Bush was the fucking socialist not me

Kroft: but i get the sense that some people are just worn out with the idea of your melanin

Obama: that's true

Kroft: i mean it's fatiguing every day we wake up the President is still a damm negro

Obama: i know i know

Kroft: people ask you - michael jackson changed his skin color why can't you?

Obama: people do ask that

Kroft: so why not do it?

Obama: MJ was a loon

Kroft: he had a gold casket!

Obama: uh huh

Kroft: Bush brought us the unity of 9/11 and you divided the nation

Obama: yeah

Kroft: were you surprised Joe Wilson yelled out at you?

Obama: yeah I'm black in America - it was a total shock

Kroft: what happened next?

Obama: he followed me around a department store

Kroft: this is a fascinating story

Obama: no it takes away from the debate on health care

Kroft: health care brings out the worst in people

Obama: no the real controversy is helping people and not purposefully killing them

Kroft: so you failed to bring civility back to Washington

Obama: let me put it this way - fuck you


Meet the Press - September 13, 2009

Meet the Press
September 13, 2009
Sen. Durbin
Sen. Cornyn
Howard Dean
Newt Gingrich
Gregory: Dick what will Congress give us on
health care reform?

Durbin: we are going to enact reform and we’ll pass it over the dead rotting corpse of the GOP

Gregory: are going to go for the brass ring or
settle for tiny gains?

Durbin: the big one Greggers - believe it fucker

Gregory: will I have a free facelift by turkey day?

Durbin: pencil it in Fluffy

Cornyn: What do Obama’s plan and his birth certificate have in common?

Gregory: I don’t know

Cornyn: no has seen either one

Gregory: ha

Cornyn: Obama has only paid lip service to
GOP ideas

Gregory: he gave you everything you wanted!

Cornyn: but only in a speech!

Gregory: what if they were in the law?

Cornyn: it would still be a boon the Democratic party so no I could never support it

Dean: We are going to pass a law and it’s going to
be awesome

Gregory: by ramming it through!

Dean: ram this Fluffy

Gingrich: sure Obama said he hates illegals but where are the internment camps, I ask you?!?

Dean: I just remembered something - no one gives a shit what Newt Gingrich thinks

Gregory: let’s all have a good beltway laugh at the idea of hippies and their little public option

Durbin: I heard you are were a moron - it’s all
over town

Gingrich: that’s true

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] but it can’t pass
the senate!!

Durbin: yes it can

Gregory: but the Crazy Left!!!

Dean: can it Fluffers

Cornyn: Obama cannot guarantee you will never lose your health insurance!!!

Gregory: but that can happen now!

Cornyn: yeah but it won’t because there is no decent alternative

Gregory: Rep. Wilson had an insane outburst
- did that help or hurt?

Cornyn: this is not the time for Wilson to act crazy
or for Dems to point out that he is crazy

Gregory: Obama is going to break the deficit!!!

Dean: we’re already giving massive subsidies
to health insurers now stupid

Gingrich: elderly Americans are getting high quality government health care now - which is why we can never had government health care

Dean: we’re a great nation - of course we can do this!

Gregory: [ screaming] you’re going to raise taxes!

Dean: you want to yell dancin’ dave - let’s do it!!! Yeeeaaaah!!

Cornyn: Obama will cut health care for the elderly and raise taxes

Gregory: so will you pledge to never ever ever raise taxes?

Durbin: you know Dave Obama’s plan will permit brain transplants which is good news for you

Gregory: oh my god Obama is going to make me buy health insurance - what say you Newt Gingrich!!

Gingrich: indeed this is incredibly dangerous - when taxes go up dramatically America will perish

Gregory: middle-class Americans should be allowed to go without health insurance to prove this is great country!

Dean: well then maybe we should have a
public option

Gregory: but the Hippies!!

Durbin: Jesus Christ Gregory - sick poor people go to emergency rooms to get treatment now - what the fuck is your problem??

Cornyn: it’s easy to provide free health care in white state like Vermont but Texas has a lot of brown people and it’s difficult to provide universal care while weeding them out at the same time

Gregory: what’s the solution?

Cornyn: private for-profit health care has white bias so it works very well

[ break ]

Gregory: Todd is Obama back in control?

Todd: yes - and in fact he’s got the GOP scared

Gregory: I was so impressed by how cuddly John Cornyn was this morning

Todd: he’s one of their most articulate and best looking morons

Gregory: Rep. Wilson is crazy and is against government take-over of health insurers and their beloved bureaucrats

Todd: indeed

Gregory: this is a truly unified grass-roots bunch of bought-and-paid-for lunatics

Burnett: well the GOP needs to do something or it will kill businesses

Ramo: Obama’s got to lead and compromise at the same time

Gregory: why can’t Obama solve the problem of health care easily and without costs??

Todd: indeed they are trying

Burnett: they are going to raise taxes probably on the rich

Gregory: please tell me that public option is dead

Todd: they will put a gun to the head of the insurers to keep them in line

Gregory: Josh it turns out that unemployment is bad - it’s another 9/11 - it’s scary!!

Ramo: it’s terrifying

Gregory: oh my fucking god!!

Ramo: we’re worse than Europe!

Gregory: [ sobs ]

Burnett: Obama says we can recover with green jobs

Gregory: except for Van Jones who they fired

Ramo: those jobs are going boys and they aren’t coming back

Gregory: oh noe

Ramo: short answer: we’re fucked

Gregory: that’s bad in an election year

Todd: indeed in response to a crisis they created we must elect more Republicans

Ramo: we just hit an all-time record of people who just can’t get a job at all

Gregory: they should become talk show whores

Ramo: and the gambling on Wall Street is worse
than ever

Burnett: Housing prices are going to down another 25% with 50% under water

Gregory: [ gurgle ]

Todd: the good news is that Congress will address housing problem but the bad news is that Congress will address the housing problem

Gregory: Should Obama call Derek Jeter and ask him over for a beer ? He’s such a cool guy!

Burnett: you have a man-crush - that’s cute

Todd: fuck that shit - only the Yankees could make a national story of a Yankee breaking a Yankee record

Gregory: [ thumbs tiger beat magazine ]

Well that’s all we have for this week - Derek call me let’s hang

This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 13, 2009

September 13, 2009
HHS Secretary Sebelius
Sen. Rockefeller
Sen. Landrieu
Gov. Pawlenty
Stephanolopous: Tim are you really a
crazy Tenther?

Pawlenty: no but Mitt Romney is an idiot so
that proves that Obama is a failure

Stephanolopous: I don’t follow

Stephanolopous: we need to recognize that the federal government lacks the resources to run a large scale health care system - they should leave that to sophisticated entities like Alabama

Sebelius: yeah that makes sense

Stephanolopous: can’t we just get rid of the
public health care option

Rockefeller: no we really need a public option - it’s the only thing that can work

Stephanolopous: Mary so what’s wrong with
a public option?

Landrieu: it would be too successful

Stephanolopous: why is that bad?

Landrieu: it would hurt health insurers who have given me a lot of money

Stephanolopous: what about President Snowe’s trigger idea?

Landrieu: no that is a bad idea too - we have to
give for-profit insurers to get this right

Stephanolopous: they haven’t had a chance for the last 50 years yet?

Landrieu: no they’ve been forced to act like rapacious blood-suckers but now we let them be nice - Free the Insurers!

Stephanolopous: abortions for none and
mini-American flags for all?

Pawlenty: we must force poor women to keep
their little fetuses

Sebelius: oh absolutely - it’s like we’re doing them
a favor

Landrieu: I agree with the fetus-americans but this is a real crisis - and it’s expensive and we must do something and we must do something now!

Stephanolopous: except an affordable public option

Landrieu: yeah except for that

Pawlenty: Why would we trust the same people who brought us Medicaid and Medicare to create more health care programs - that’s crazy!!!

Stephanolopous: but those are very successful
and enormously popular

Pawlenty: that’s my point - do you know how much this would hurt the Republicans?!?

Rockefeller: dimwit

Pawlenty: Obama wants to cut Medicare
for the elderly!!

Sebelius: that’s a lie - we’ve had sting operations
in Detroit

Stephanolopous: how did that go

Sebelius: it was great - it had Redford and Newman and a score by Marvin Hamlisch

Stephanolopous: excellent

Landrieu: we’re not going to cut money from Medicare

Stephanolopous: but what if Pawlenty is right
and you did?

Pawlenty: it just won’t work [ waves picture of Obama with Hitler mustache ]

Landrieu: jesus and people think I’m a hack

Pawlenty: Medicare is going bankrupt!

Rockefeller: the fucking Ophthalmology lobby
owns Congress

Stephanolopous: Rep. Wilson acted like a total jackass this week - so let’s spend time addressing his racist concerns

Sebelius: look the law requiring people to carry papers and language to create the new concentration camps for illegals is all spelled
out in the bill

Pawlenty: Republicans believe in small government - so we need a new national secret police force checking people’s identity papers

Stephanolopous: everyone would have to carry biometric ID all the time or risk dying in ER?

Pawlenty: no not all -- they would be arrested too

Stephanolopous: I don’t know if the American people will go for that

Pawlenty: why do you hate liberty and freedom?
[ puts on Lee Greenwood pin ]

[ puts on giant flag pin on his forehead ]
I’m just saying it seems to put the burden on
people to prove they are citizens which is not in the American tradition

Pawlenty: it would only apply to brown people

Stephanolopous: oh well ok then

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Obama Address to Congress Sept. 9, 2009


Speaker Pelosi, Senator Reid, thanks for inviting to this
our National House of Spineless Jellyfish and Assorted Fuckers!


Men, Women, and Lindsay Graham!

Senators Imhofe, Coburn, Vitter, Craig and Rep. Bachman - I haven’t
seen such a bunch of twisted weirdos and cuckoos since that Sid
and Marty Krofft Convention in Zurich!

Bachmann: where’s the birth certificate, barry!?

Obama: hey if American wanted to hear from a batshit crazy lady
they would have voted for Sarah Palin - now shut up

Bachmann: woo

Obama: Ok Congress - I have come here tonight to address you
sad sorry pack of bought-and-paid-for motherfuckers

Baucus: oooh

Obama: do not adjust you tv set - I’m black

Bachmann: oh my

Obama: hey you rich pampered fuckers - we are the only advanced democracy that allows people to die because they are not rich to afford blue crosses motherfucking premiums!

Congress: [standing ovation]

Obama: sit the fuck down

Obama: you can die from motherfuckin’ acne!!

Congress: [standing ovation]

Obama: meanwhile employers can’t afford to buy this wonderful insurance which sucks anyway

Obama: some crazy Leftists think we should be like Canada - but we ain’t no maple syrup eating lumberjacks!

Obama: so maybe we should retain the status quo

Congress: [ standing ovation, applause ]

Obama: get your asses down

Obama: we have done a lot of work and there is that lazy ass motherfucker Max Baucus

Baucus: grrrrr

Obama: hey stupid people - I'm going to repeat this we're going end preexisting conditions, expand coverage, and quality afford colonscopies!

Insurers: up the ass again - awesome

Obama: in 4 years we will create a health insurance exchange funded by tax credits which will be very useful unless you have no income

congress: yay

Obama: and some vague John McCain proposal

McCain: [ rictus grin ]

Obama: so everyone now has to buy health insurance but if you're really poor you will get a special Hardship Waiver

Poor Americans: yippee

Obama: Sarah Palin would be laughable if she weren't trying to destroy the democracy of a great fucking nation!

Congress: yeehaa

Obama: we will not insure illegals!

Congressman: you lie!

Obama: you just bought a one-way ticket to kick-ass town

Obama: i love insurance companies - i just want them to do the right thing

Insurers: good luck with that

Obama: but we could also offer Pubic Option

Craig: Yeeaaahh!!!

Obama: but don't worry - it will be just as evil and ridiculous as regular insurers

Insurers: whew!

Obama: it would like a public university

Insurers: but those are really popular

Obama: but it's for sale so don't worry

Audience: ah

Obama: I agree with Republicans that everyone should get quality health care!!

Republicans: did we say that

Obama: yes you did motherfuckers!

Obama: George fuckin' Bush left me with a whole heap of debt and bullshit!

Cantor [twittering]: mom let me stay up late

Obama: i will not let Republicans destroy Medicare!!

Congress: wheeeeee

Obama: fine you want tort reform you can have it - Katie Sibelius is going to kick that can down the road

Obama: we will spend less than on Stupid's bullshit wars

Bush [at home, drunk]: aww shit fuck you Bammy

Cheney: shut up Stupid

Bush: u shuddup dick

Obama: I will not work with you fucking liars and crazy people anymore - go play somewhere else

Crazies: garble birth certificate erble hitler grrrrrr socialist mmmmmm nigger

Obama: yeah you

Obama: Teddy was right - this was a moral issue

Obama: Ted worked McCain, Hatch, Grassley and other senile white men and they always did what Teddy wanted

Teddy: damm fucking right

Obama: Republicans' obsession with lies and smearing un-american - they are, in other, unpatriotic insane utter brain dead motherfucking lunatics

Congress: [ sustained applause ]

Obama: good night fuckers!!!


Sunday, September 06, 2009

Meet The Press with David Axelrod - September 6, 2009

Meet The Press
September 6, 2009
David Axelrod
Tom Brokaw
Tom Friedman
Harold Ford
Rudy Guiliani
Gregory: Axel R shouldn’t we just start over
with health care?

Axelrod: no we’ve had months of debate and now it’s time to set forth Obama’s ideas and what he’s willing to compromise on

Gregory: people are scared and terrified
of socialism!

Axelrod: well that’s stupid

Gregory: I’m frightened

Axelrod: look fluffy we’re going to offer people
real choices

Gregory: so is Barack going to insist on
a public option?

Axelrod: well it’s like you David Gregory
- it’s an Important Tool

Gregory: that’s not nice

Axelrod: ok a Valuable Tool

Gregory: what’s his idea?

Axelrod: wants an Insurance Exchange - it would like a Gun Show but with Chemotherapy and Vicodin instead of Glock and Smith & Wesson

Gregory: but then you lose moderate Republicans like Olympia Snowe and radical Republicans like Max Baucus

Axelrod: Public option shouldn’t define the whole debate - there’s other good ideas like a cap on out of pocket expenses so sick people would be impoverished but not actually broke

Gregory: Did Obama lose control of the health
care debate?

Axelrod: he thinks if you just do the right
thing results will come

Gregory: ha

Axelrod: we’re going to tell insurers to start
treating people better

Gregory: There is a national firestorm of controversy saying Obama wants to speak to children as a black President

Axelrod: Barack told me you were a moron

Gregory: [high pitched voice ] how did you lose control of the debate - what happened here!?

Axelrod: what happened is some lunatic
somewhere said something and you started hysterically shrieking

Gregory: did Obama fire Van Jones?

Axelrod: yes but once we fire him the wingnuts
will cease their smear campaigns thank god

Gregory: but Van Jones said controversial things!

Axelrod: like demanding the President’s
birth certificate?

Gregory: ha you funny

Gregory: what about Afghanistan?

Axelrod: we’re going to destroy al qaeda!

Gregory: isn’t Obama a hypocrite if he doesn’t pull out of Afghanistan like he called on Bush to pull out of Iraq?

Axelrod: god you’re stupid

Gregory: thanks very much

[ break ]

Gregory: tell me about health care Tommy

Brokaw: OMG TARP and TALF stimulus and auto bailouts and a trillion dollars - it’s all too expensive!

Gregory: Harold you’re the liberal here - so
please bash Obama

Ford: my liberal friends want to spend a lot just to help people - that’s crazy

Gregory: good point

Guiliani: Obama wants to kill grandma and also won’t cut costs

Gregory: right

Guiliani: the best solutions is to have 50 states competing with each other, tax cuts and ending lawsuits

Gregory: wow that’s brilliant

Friedman: once the GOP said Obama wanted to
kill old people that ended the discussion

Gregory: of course

Friedman: I was kidding Greggers - the GOP are
hate filled and evil

Guiliani: Once the President refused to limit lawsuits he basically said he wanted to murder the elderly

Brokaw: half of health care is already government-run

Guiliani: that’s right - the U.S. government is an illegal monopoly!

Audience: we’ve reached Peak Stupid

Ford: the Republicans wouldn’t work with Obama - he tried and they accused him of genocide

Guiliani: they had to say that after he wouldn’t even consider more tax cuts for the rich

Gregory: that’s only fair

Gregory: I hear Obama is going push this through with an anti-democratic majority

Brokaw: the Mayo Clinic wants to be paid for performance - like an extra $100 for life they save

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] bailouts and spending - wow suddenly when a Democrat is President this seems like a lot of money!!

Friedman: why can’t he push a bill through - half of Obama’s proposals are Republican ideas!

Guilaini: look this is very simple - all Obama had to do was propose a massive tax cut and require poor people to spend money on insurance and the GOP would love it

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] OMG Obama has created a firestorm by speaking to students!!

Brokaw: you know Greggers Tim Russert told me you were a true moron

Gregory: but I’m really freaking out here!! this reminds me of when liberals hated George W. Bush

Guiliani: I thinks it’s too bad that Obama has been so controversial it’s sad

Ford: if the President speaking to students is fucking bad I don’t want to be fucking right

Friedman: Fluffy - let me blunt. You Are Flat Out Stupid

Gregory: Anyone would say that Van Jones is
a bad man

Friedman: we live an age of Firestorms and people are held responsible for every stupid thing they twitter

Gregory: [ twittering ]
i think tom friedman sed I am stupid

Brokaw: these darn internets and bloggers - frankly we live in a great Age of Bullshit

Friedman: we’ve been in Afghanistan since 2001 and since a Democrat got elected I just realized that it’s a bad idea!

Gregory: omg that’s scary!

Friedman: we need to win hearts and minds there - and we all know that for America to try that is hopeless

Gregory: Rudy you were Mayor of NYC - tell me about Afghanistan

Guilaini: I like Obama’s plan and support it completely

Audience: dear god

Guilaini: Bush failed by focusing so much on killing people in Iraq and not killing enough people in Afghanistan

Ford: we have an obligation to stay there forever because we love those little Afghans

Brokaw: Afghanistan is a remote disconnected country of crazy tribes

Gregory: so not like the U.S. at all

Guilaini: we have to do whatever it takes to crush terror in a far off land

Gregory: what if it costs as much as health care?

Guilaini: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11

Friedman: misgovernance and corruption and unemployment produce radicalism

Gregory: Is this America or Afghanistan?

This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 6, 2009

This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 6, 2009
Robert Gibbs
Bob Dole
Tom Daschle
Rep. Maxine Waters
Rep. Mike Pence

Stephanolopous: Bob Van Jones rang the resign chimes at midnight - is he the victim of a smear campaign?

Gibbs: yes

Stephanolopous: so why quit?

Gibbs: he’s too fiery and black

Stephanolopous: but Obama is black

Gibbs: well that’s all the country can handle
right now

Stephanolopous: Is Obama going to give us some health care details?

Gibbs: right he will draw more lines in the sand than Tom Hanks in Castaway

Stephanolopous: will he work his Jedi magic?

Gibbs: after that speech people will realize that these are not the health insurance reforms they are looking for

Stephanolopous: public option - yes or no?

Gibbs: look even if we enact it it will only an option for a small number of people - we won’t unfairly compete against the happy little insurance companies

Stephanolopous: then it sounds somewhat useless

Gibbs: the government will take the uninsurable off the insurers hands

Stephanolopous: ooh epic win

Gibbs: we’re close to reform and public option is a valuable idea

Stephanolopous: but he won’t veto it a plan
without it

Gibbs: he might

Stephanolopous: but then Obama won’t get
any GOP votes

Gibbs: well then the GOP will be fucked in 2010

Stephanolopous: Senator you are incredibly old and not in office - please bash Obama for me

Dole: this is a nasty 1200 page law - there’s no pudding or Matlock!

Stephanolopous: so what’s the answer?

Dole: back in 1994 we used to say 5 bees for a dollar and I was wearing an onion on my belt that was the style-

Daschle: Bob makes a lot of sense - we have an opportunity to improve health care and provide Americans with a full public pudding option

Stephanolopous: How is preemptively conceding defeat working out for you?

Daschle: oh it’s going great

Stephanolopous: Maxine you are very radical - only 80% of the people support a public option

Waters: with all due respect to Senator Ancient McOldypants I’m actually in the motherfucking Congress

Stephanolopous: Pence you are trying desperately
to stop reform

Pence: not at all - it’s just that my people hate the idea of government running a health plan

Stephanolopous: but the government won’t take over the health care system

Pence: but if you offer business the chance to put their employees on a good plan of course the small business will take it

Stephanolopous: so how is that bad?

Pence: you have no health insurance if your employer can cancel it at any time!

Stephanolopous: but that could happen now!

Pence: yes but all the current options suck so bad - people are stuck with the plan they have- but if a good option is offered they will be doomed to a good government plan!

Stephanolopous: what’s you solution?

Pence: just let people shop around for health insurance like hamburgers or video games

Dashcle: so you oppose it because it would
be popular?

Dole: no we also hate it because it would
hurt insurers

Waters: oh well ok then

Dole: I think we will get a lot of Republicans voting for this bill

Stephanolopous: even with a public option?

Dole: no

Pence: look the whole world is spiraling out of control - we’ve got government taking over national defense, health care for old people, a black president-

Waters: what’s in your bill?

Pence: ending lawsuits against doctors

Stephanolopous: Grouchy - you want Petraeus
for President

Dole: I dunno he reminds me of Ike - not well informed but he looks snappy in a uniform

Stephanolopous: good enough