Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Democratic Debate - October 30, 2007

Democratic Debate - October 30, 2007
Drexel University
Philadelphia, PA
Tim Russert
Brian Williams

Williams: obama the first question goes to you – you say Hillary is a republican

Obama: i'm like the italian stallion

Williams: his momma was white

Obama: and he was up against a telegenic heavyweight

Williams: what else

Obama: i'm trying to be honest and she's always triangulating

Hilllary: if i'm so conservative then why are the republicans hating on me?

Russert: Edwards you say Hillary is orwellian

Edwards: who me?

Russert: yeah you

Edwards: heh heh - oh yeah that was me

Timmeh: well?

Edwards: she's a hawk on iran and corruption and in private she's in favor of killing social security

Clinton: shut up for 35 years i've been fighting for invisible people and the evil republicans hate me - and if that's not a reason to vote for me i don't know what is

Timmeh: even Jim Webb said you voted to attack Iran why would you do that crazy lady

Hillary: i'm against a rush to war - I'm in favor of going to war with Iran slowly

Tim: oh ok

Hillary: hey dood they are trying to get nukes let's do what we did in Libya

Tim: let the leader join the Hair Club for Men in exchange for giving up nukes???

Hillary: if that's what it takes pumpkinhead

Dodd: give me a break trusting George Bush with a resolution authorizing force is like trusting FEMA to play Fire Marshall Bill

Tim: interesting

Dodd: we need good judgment and Hillary fucked up

Tim: Biden you have an interest on foreign policy what say you

Biden: I can't gas up my car and why? because Hillary is emboldening our terrorist enemies

Tim: you mean Iran?

Biden: no i mean dick cheney

Hillary: i favor agressive negotiations like Padme did in Star Wars - i mean what if our people are attacked by a bunch of iranian clones

Williams: time and date of your war with Iran pleeze

Hillary: nah gonna answer brian

Edwards: seriously she wants to pressure George Bush by giving the neocons their precious terror resolution? I don't think so

Williams: are you sure that’s right

Edwards: i was burned once before - my mistake in 2002 gives me more credibility

Timmy: Pedro speak

Richardson: we cannot permit Iran to use nuclear weapons

Tim: so he can have them but not use them

Richardson: yes like how NBC has the ability to practice journalism

Williams: hey dood we're keeping our newsy powder dry

Richardson: we should sanction iran and if necessary attack Iran and Europe and Russia

Kucinich: you all are enabling Bush's illegal wars - we're in Philadelphia the birthplace of the 76er's and it's time to follow the example of Dr. J and impeach George Bush!!!!!!!

Tim: will you pledge to launch a war against iran

Hillary: i will try

Tim: will you pledge to pledge to make pledge to pledge

Hillary: i pledge to stop answering your dumb questions

Obama: you are playing the Fear Card Timmy and i don't like it

Biden: Pakistan has hundreds of pounds of spicy uranium and it could hit Israel

Williams: what is the biggest threat to America

Biden: Pakistan

Williams: are you sure

Biden: well it was on teh cover of Newsweek magazine

Dodd: no one else here has a head of distinguished silver hair - looking like a movie president matters!

Williams: he does have nice hair

Dodd: i alone negotiated with taco bell to give every American a free taco!!

Richardson: what is a bigger threat than nuclear weapons is nuclear weapons crossing the border

Williams: ok

Richardson: i told Saddam Hussein release your American prisoners or i will never leave

Williams: you're running for vice president aren't you

Richardson: it will be like having a dood on hand 24 hours a day who likes to go to dangerous places and put his life in danger

Williams: a disposable Veep

Richardson: exactly

Kucinich: Frankly we need to stop Bush from talking at all it's dangerous

Hillary: there are tinderboxes in Iran, Iraq, middle east, Afghanistan, it's scary!!

Obama: i like diplomacy i would convene a meeting of my fellow muslim leaders

Tim: you mean your fellow leaders

Obama: right only i have the credibility to be President because i voted against the AUMF

Edwards: hillary wants to keep troops in iraq and i don't - period

Edwards: she's moving into general election-mode and i'm in honesty-mode

Clinton: whoa dood hold on i want to pull out all troops from Iraq - but we have to remain in Iraq until Al Qaeda is all dead and killed and of course our few remaining troops may want to go to the movies and a use a supermarket from time to time so of course we should have bases there the size of L.A. County

Williams: Rudy America's Mayor sez you've never had to protect people from terrorism

Hillary: well if that was his job in 2001 he sucked at it

Williams: ouch

Hillary: the man is obsessed with me but i'm not his cousin

Williams: so why should you be President

Clinton: rudy has embraced Commander Stupid and his policies - he's crazy and i have an agenda and it ain't his

Tim: my name is tim russert and i am going to ask a really stupid question

Clinton: we all know that

Tim: but the archives!!

Clinton: you think I'm going to release my letters from bill after monica dood you crazy

Obama: aha but bush is secret and so are you and after all this is the experience she has and brags about

Clinton: they want to run against me

Obama: because they can just dust off the old Richard Mellon Scaife tapes

Richardson: can i talk

Williams: you'll get your chance during the VP debates

Edwards: does anyone really think she is going to bring about change? i don't believe in teh Easter bunny or Santa Claus or leprechauns

Kucinich: hey

Edwards: sorry dood

Hillary: no this is all part of my plan to take away money from lobbyists i took $10 billion away from them

Williams: brilliant!!

Obama: i voted against the war

Williams: Vice President Richardson?

Richardson: stop hating on my running mate she's a human being and a damm sexy woman!!

Williams: easy dood

Richardson: i'm a governor and of a swing state i might add

Obama: but i will run for governor of Illinois in four years

Richardson: well good but i'm voting for hillary

Biden: can i talk about my 30 years of experience

Williams: no you're just too weird

Dodd: fuck you Brian Williams and you're buddy Rush Limbaugh - i can work with Republicans - i worked with Dan Coats and if i can work with a loon like that i can defeat kim jong il easily

Edwards: we are none of us perfect but let's face it if you looked up "perfect" in the dictionary i think you would find a picture of my hair

Williams: what about my hair

Edwards: i'm guilty - guilty of being adorable!!

Kucinich: what about HR 676????

Williams: Frankenbiden why the hell are you still running

Biden: i cannot win but will be damned if i will let Guiliani be President that guy is a moron

Williams: zing!!

Biden: hillary hillary

Williams: calm down joe

Biden: Bill i was securing detente when you were still a kid

Russert: hillary once you used a different set of words in answer to a question -- how evil are you??

Clinton: when bill and i were President we fought these GOP fuckers and i will keep doing it

Obama: call me nuts but i think we should be honest so we can get a real mandate after all the facts are on our side

Russert: but you called her a big liar

Obama: we're going to have a big actuarial gap

Hillary: bipartisan commission dood

Biden: can i talk

Williams: no Frankesteeen

Williams: Obama are you worried that the crazees will swift boat you like they did to my BFF John McCain?

Obama: dood i get it I, have a weird name - but i even have white people giving Barack O teh love it's all good because I trust the American people to be open minded and intelligent and fair

Williams: good luck with that dood

Williams: gas prices - GO!!

Dodd: byron dorgan and i on the case

Edwards: i want to be the President who tells people people to sacrifice

Hillary: LIHEAP bitches!

Williams: what else

Hillary: SPR, conservation

Obama: I will go to Detroit and talk tough and if you don't get shot that's a victory

Kucinich: key to oil prices is to follow international law and the constitution and impeach dick cheney!!

Richardson: Apollo Creed won in Philadephia and we need an Apollo program for america -- for instance our appliances could use less foreign oil i mean look at your toaster ask yourself do i really need an english muffin this morning if it means invading iran???

Dodd: corporate carbon tax bastards!! It's the Gold standard and Gore luvs it

Williams: maybe that's why you're at 0%

Dodd: could be

Williams: do you believe America is a bottomless well of welfare

Edwards: seriously you pretentious fop shut the fuck up as if you would leave NBC without being perfectly groomed

Williams: unlimited welfare for brown people???

Edwards: what a snobbish shit you are

Russert: rangel is from harlem which is full of blacks can you support that

Hillary: george bush is an evil poopyhead

Russert: so you are in favor of giving Kansas away to black people

Hillary: no i didn't say that you Irish Village Jester

Russert: ok Obama will you pledge to oppose the Harlem Negro Giveaway Plan

Obama: dood i'm not the one who put 12,000 US corporations in the Cayman islands

Russert: hey i love it there they make a mean pina colada
Tim: hedge funds

Kucinich: frankly even Harry Reid has been captured by wealthy people what about the poor

Tim: solution?

Dennis: impeach Bush and Cheney!

Edwards: let's not waste some more time on this what about Blackwater

Timmeh: you make it sound like wealthy interests have too much influence in government

Edwards: tim cover your little irish ears cause it’s true

Williams: should the school day be longer

Richardson: yes

Williams: your time is up

Dennis: free college!

Obama: school is good and wars are bad

Clinton: i love families and we need to get the kids to focus on an enemy like Sputnik

Edwards: there are 2 schools systems so we need to teach young teachers to use a shiv

Biden: goddamit i proposed this back in 1987 and people ignored me then too

Williams: well yes but neal kinnock said it first

Dodd: i have an idea on all this

Williams: would you like to share it with the rest of the class

Dodd: yes

Williams: sorry you're out of time

Williams: doctors make no money boo hoo

Dodd: that's true-

Williams: time's up

Biden: fuck the insurers - i met the time limit i win!!

Edwards: universal health care and nursing crisis

Clinton: doctors deal with harrassment from insurers and that's bad

Obama: doctors will make more money with fewer banks and middlemen and fat people

Kucinich: Medicare for All! Impeach Bush and Cheney!

Richardson: 1 year of national service for 2 years of tuition - also doctors should visit homes like they used to -- hell two of ‘em showed up in they Brady Bunch i dunno how they pulled that off

Williams: air travel where's mah mint on mah pillah?

Obama: and that luggage carousel i mean what is this the 19th century????

Russert: Spitzer wants to give drivers licenses to illegal immigrants and serial killers!!!??!!?

Clinton: um they drive cars fatty

Dodd: fuck them

Clinton: dood NYC cab service will shut down

Edwards: she's big flip flopper and doubletalker

Obama: what's the Vagina's answer

Russert: you had a close encounter with teh Third Kind dood

Kucinich: yes they took me aboard their ship and told me to impeach Bush!!

Tim: Obama martians yes or no

Obama: i'm worried about human beings

Williams: will you pledge to wipe out cancer

Hillary: god yur stupid

Timmy: marijuana

Edwards: oh noez

Williams: how will u dress for halloween

Obama: i will go as mitt romney i have magic underwear and a sheet with one hole in it

Williams: we will end with that visual thank you and good night -- people this is the greatest democracy in america

Monday, October 29, 2007

60 Minutes - Afghanistan, Sarkozy, Bee Collapse


Scott Pelley: u can't say teh soviets were better than americans

Afghan: oh yes we can

Pelley: i don't care what Human Rights Watch sez usa sa!

Pelley: why are so many afghans being killed by americans?

Karzai: i dunno - i told bush to knock it off

Pelley: but bush is a righteous christian

Karzai: fuck him

Pelley: i promised the air force i wouldn't say where the USA high tech center is located but it rhymes with Guttar

Retired army guy: we only kill 29 civilians at a time without permission

Pelley: how many civilians did you kill?

Army guy: over 200

Pelley: and how many bad guys?

Army guy: zero

Military guy: you can't make a freedom omlette without breaking a few innocent eggs

Pelley: how evil are the taliban

Army guy: so evil they kill innocent people!

Pelley: so do we

Army: but not on purpose

Afghan guy-whose-house-was-destroyed: gee, what a relief

Retired army guy: you have to look at the big picture - we're only creating more terrorists

Karzai: the americans are incredible fuckups

Pelley: i talked to a 7 year old boy and i asked him what do you want to do when you grow up and he said i want to fly a plane into the Freedom Tower

Karzai: and they say people in this country have no dreams


Steve Kroft: why don't people luv bees?

Bee Guy: fuck them - where's the love for beekeepers?

Kroft: have you ever been stung

Bee Guy: about 10,000 times

Kroft: i don't think bees like you dood

Bee Guy: all my bees flew away

Kroft: maybe you didn't talk to them enough

Bee Guy: they love to dance

Kroft: your colony collapsed

Bee Guy: they left their babies and their honey behind

Kroft: damm they left in a hurry

Bee Guy: they fled with no reason

Kroft: don't worry dood Bush's federal government is on the case

Bee Guy: [ sobs ]

Bee Guy: i blame insecticides

Kroft: what - they're just based on nicotine who wouldn't love that?

Bee guy: they're designed to kill insects dood you figure it out

Government Guy: we're looking into it

Kroft: it's also possible the bees are undernourished and overworked

Bee Guy: well you just described the average american and they still show up for work

Kroft: it will takes years to figure this out in the meantime let's just keep pumping out insecticides

Bee Guy: i didn't quit because without me american farming would collapse

Kroft: teh wal-mart pumpkins!!!

Congress: hmmmmm

Bee guy: bees are my life

Expert: but they may all die off

Kroft: what will happen to the vegetables and the fruits

Expert: they may have to leave the Republican party

Kroft: so sad


Sarkozy: i luv america

Stahl: gawd why

Sarkozy: i luv leh music

Stahl: like what

Sarkozy: le beetles

Stahl: sorry they're brits

Sarkozy: oh noez

Stahl: why doez he love l'america

Frenchman: well yur not all bad

Stahl: cecilia refusee le hot dogs

Sarkozy: je despise le paparazzi

Stahl: mais je suis leslie stahl

Sarkozy: fuckez vous

Stahl: vouz avez le chip on le shoulder

Sarkozy: i was born le poor black enfant

Stahl: votre pere said you have le sucky nom

Sarkozy: i luv amerique because you are stupide enuf to elect a body builder governator i sed c'est le country pour moi

Stahl: you cracked down on brown skulls

Sarkozy: votes etes damm right

Stahl: you hate the browns and lazee people

Sarkozy: nous sommes going to smackez le francais around

Sarkozy: i hatez le welfare

Stahl: but les strikes!

Sarkozy: fuckez the unionz

Stahl: le peuple luv sarkozy

Sarkozy: Madame sarkozy est disloyale

Stahl: tell me about yur wife?

Sarkozy: no comment

[storms out of the interview]

Stahl: le bastard should have discussed his marriage avec moi


Rooney: baseball managers do too much

audience: they do less than any other coach in other sports

Ronney: fuck you

Rooney: baseball is too complicated

audience: no it isnt

Ronney: what's their IQ

audience: what's yur IQ old man

Rooney: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Meet The Press - October 28, 2007

Meet The Press
October 28, 2007
Guest: Senator Chris Dodd

Tim: iranians evil

Chris Dodd: yeah but only attack thru sanctions

Tim: but you had a strong resolution too

Dodd: yeah but Lieberman wants only war and my resolution was about diplomacy too

Russert: but it mentioned diplomacy

Dodd: no it didn't you stupid irish mick

Russert: oh

Dodd: can't you see Bush wants war?

Russert: oh i think you're exagerragting you really think Bush would invade a country in the middle east with no reason?

Russert: you wanted to go to war in aganist in Iraq in 2002!

Dodd: yeah but bush is a liar

Russert: Iraq?

Dodd: we're arming the sunnis to fight to shia and the shia to fight kurds and the the kurds to fight the sunnis

Russert: awesome

Dodd: i would pull out by 2013 no other candidate will no that

Russert: bold move

Dodd: i like the constitution

Russert: but in 2003 you said we're safer without saddam

Dodd: well we're not safer now dumbass

Russert: but you changed your mind

Dodd: at least i have one pumpkinhaid

Tim: why can't you leave poor telecommunications companies alone???

Dodd: give me a break it's called breaking the law

Tim: but they only did it because they love america

Dodd: yeah they love those fat contracts

Tim: can you prove that

Dodd: no but I believe it don't you

Tim: Harrrumph

Russert: yur at 0%

Dodd: yeah but my negatives are low

Tim: dood Stephen Colbert is doing 230% better than you

Dodd: how about Colbert/Dodd '08 !!?!

Tim: this is a lost cause isn't it

Dodd: hey you never know

Tim: good luck looser you will let me know when you drop out won't you

Dodd: will do big guy

Tim: you threatened gerry ford

Safire: yeah typical Nixon white house stuff you know send pizzas to house, broke into his office, wiretapped his family, bombed his car

Tim: really?

Safire: nah but i wish i had that disloyal fucker

Tim: why so mad

Safire: Nixon could have survived his criminal rampage so sad

DeFrank: hey Ford was trying to save america, the GOP, his conscience and lastly Nixon

Safire: see he should have put Dick first and the USA and god last

Ford: look at 1972 Nixon had come back from china and fighting vietnam and russia and Pat was drinking and his daughters were running around with democrats no wonder he broke down and asked the CIA to subvert American democracy

DeFrank: Ford thought Reagan was a dangerous stupid showman

Russert: so sad

DeFrank: but then he liked him when his mind was gone

Safire: i don't like this at all -- all this honesty is very unseemly we in the Village would prefer to pretend that all Republicans are sunny and wonderful and Democrats are slimy liars this Culture of Truth makes me very uncomfortable

DeFrank: Ford was willing to be character witness if Clinton was willing to admit he committed perjury

Audience: why in the holy hell would he do that

DeFrank: he thinks the only way we get a woman presnit if there is a female VP and a presnit resigns in scandal

Audience: well that's how he became presnit so duh

Safire: Hillary will choose Emmanuel for VP

Russert: what about Ted Striker from airplane?

Safire: not bad



** John McLaughlin Group **

McLaughlin: Pakistan is a total disaster is Osama's dream come true

Buchanan: this isn't bush's fault whaaaaaaa

McLaughlin: oh yeah this is great

Buchanan: this is nothing to worry about Osama probably won't get teh bomb

McLaughlin: oh so now the GOP is playing down a threat

Buchanan: right because we can't do anything about it

McLaughlin: well that makes sense

Buchanan: Pakistan very dangerous

McLaughlin: you really think they would kill Bhutto

Clift: they killed her father dood

Blankely: don't worry about Osama getting the Pakistani bomb he hardly knows the islamists there unlike when he was best friends with Saddam who surely was going to give him the nukes he didn't have

The Chris Matthews Show - October 28, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show
October 28, 2007

Matthews: are we going to war with iran?!?!

David Gregory: nah cheney is a peacnik

Matthews: oh really?

Gregory: leave Dick Cheney alone!! He's a human being!!

Kay: he's the bad cop

Matthews: how do we scare them?

Kay: buy a new stealth bomber

David Ignatius: the whole world is panicking so we've got that going for us

Matthews: awesome

Ignatius: the iranians aren't stupid they know we're bluffing

Matthews: so should candidates pledge to attack iran

Kay: no- except for hillary as the candidates with a uterus she must proves having a vagina is not a weakness

Matthews: she's triangulating - she's so evil!

Ignatius: hillary is so far ahead she can be unpopular

Matthews: i think it's because she has breasts

Matthews: let's talk about the Clinton sex life!

Kay: god forbid we should not address this for 5 minutes

Matthews: she's using her feminine wiles

Loven: it's a Mystery Marriage but she is Calculating!

Kay: what if Bill Clinton has an affair with Chris Matthews

Ignatius: college women hate her

Matthews: no they don't

Ignatius: well not anymore

Matthews: desperate spinsters who can't get a man will say hey i'd like a man who has affairs it's better than dying alone with my cats

Ignatius: oh exactly what woman wouldn't want a taste of the old codpiece

Matthews: i wish i could get a man

Friday, October 26, 2007

Republican Debate - October 25, 2007

Republican Debate
Hosted by AARP
October 25, 2007
John McCain
Mike Huckabee
Let the Republican Debate Begin!

Our candidates are:

Mike "Dinosaurs knew Jesus" Huckabee

John "I was a Tortured by the VC and George Bush" McCain

McCain: don’t worry about my age my 95 year old mother drives at 112 mph around arizona so i will live long although I’ve inherited a death wish

Commentator: ha ha ha

McCain: all governors end up in prison

Governor: whaaa?????

McCain: the problem with health care in america is not the quality its that its expensive and hillarycare will make it cost even more ergo she's evil

McCain: i urge you go to canada or england if you need care and you can't afford it

audience: yay!

McCain: clearly the answer to our problems is tort reform and suing pharmaceutical companies - problem solved

audience: yay

McCain: also we should import drugs from Canada

audience: whaaaa???

McCain: just give every rich american a $2500 tax credit and then they can shop around at "Heart Transplants R Us"

audience: woo hoo

McCain: the problem in american is that people lack self esteem because they don't have health insurance so we should send them self help books ergo problem solved

audience: okaaaay

Huckabee: most of you don't know that John McCain and I were married for 5 years in the 1980s

audience: ha ha ha ha

Huckster: the number one issue in america is that we have too many fat people

audience: clap clap

Huckster: i lost 110 pounds

audience: yay!

Huckster: i got divorced!

audience: ha ha ha ha

Huckster: out health care costs are because Americans are fat and lazy and it's all their fault

audience: golf clap

Huckabee: America looks like an NFL team with 70,000 people cheering on a dozen guys beating the shit out of each other

audience: USA!! USA!!

Huckster: let me steal Hillary's line about the diabetic foot thing

Huck: did you know that health costs more than the Iraq war???

Viewer: well duh we're nickel and diming the war

Huck: yeah but look at all the money we're saving

Mod: does that figure include health care costs related to the war?

Huck: Uhhhhhhhh

Mod: how would you boost savings?

McCain: health savings accounts

Mod: are you fucking serious

McCain: the tax code sucks

Mod: no shit sherlock

McCain: we should have tax credit for fitness

Mod: anything else

McCain: medical malpractice reform

Mod: that's it?

McCain: personal responsiblity

Mod: what else

McCain: did i say fitness?

Mod: yes

McCain: then i say let adam smith solve the problem

Huckster: key to savings to create a national sales tax April 15 would be just another bootyful spring day in america

audience: yay no IRS!!

Huckster: if it can't be fixed with duct tape can't be fixed and our health care system can't be fixed

McCain: well a sales tax is stupid but you can't rely on Congress - it should be disbanded

Mod: so what instead

McCain: hire alan greenspan to be our Provisional Dictator

Mod: that's insane

McCain: i could be yur Ruler

Mod: what else will solve the USA's problems

McCain: 401k's

Mod: that's all?

McCain: let angry americans finally buy insurance across state lines dammitt!!

Huckster: stop penalizing income and start penalizing spending

McCain: 30 trillion in unfunded spening with Medicaid and medicare and it's all socialized medicine but we have an obligation to keep all that but without raising taxes

Mod: what the fuck did you just say?

McCain: i dunno

Huckster: i only trust me and i want to be in control of my own health care

audience: yay!!

Huckster: but government should be a safety net

audeince: yay!

Huckster: i hate people like john mccain who are from washington they are all polarized

audience: woo!

McCain: now i will mention that i am a veteran unlike fatty

Huckster: hey!

McCain: sorry skinny

McCain: when i'm presnit every veteran will carry plastic card which will ensure them crappy care

Huckster: this is going to shock you but people don't come up to me and beg me to raise taxes but I gave people envelopes called the Tax Me More Fund and people could always give their own money to teh goverment

Moderator: ok that is the single dumbest thing i have ever heard in my life

Huckster: look we either we eliminate social security or start killing old people

McCain: well i am old so i don't like that

audience: ha ha

McCain: my democrat friends are not serious because they don't believe we should let people invest FICA in tulip bulbs

McCain: ronald reagan and tip o'neill were 2 old irishmen who ot drunk one night and solved social security for 10 years

Mod: awesome

McCain: i will reach out to my democrat friends

Mod: but you just used a slur

McCain: fuck you

McCain: the national sales tax sucks even the wall street journal says so

Hucker: that left wing rag!

Mod: dood there will still be an irs but it be will be for your sales tax

Hucker: no let states do it

McCain: dream on looney

Huckster: why is government subsidizing smokers but punishing healthy people

Mod: what the fuck?

Huckster: why have sick leave - make sick people work and reward healthy people give them the day off

Mod: that's nuts

Huckster: hook every american up to a pedometer

McCain: i love those ideas - why don't insurers do that

Mod: that's the free market dood

McCain: well they should pay for membership in fitness clubs

Mod: dandy

Mod: how can we solve america's problems?

McCain: Nancy Reagan solves american's drug problem by appearing on Diff'rt Strokes let her do it again

Mod: any other solutions

McCain: stop Leonardo DiCaprio from smoking in the movies dammitt!!!

Mod: awesome

McCain: these damm lawyers are responsible for kids smoking

Mod: dood are you fucking senile

Huckster: it's crazy that people spend 85% of their care dollars in the last few weeks of life therefore we should just kill people a few months earlier

Mod: ok

Huckster: we need to empower people to not need medical care

Viewer: excellent

Huckster: we should reiumberse family members to take care of families like bathing your elderly parent

viewer: that sure sounds like fun

McCain: we need to take care of WWII vets they're dying

Viewer: true

McCain: let me add that everyone should have a living will when they hit 60 i got one thirty years ago

Mod: why does this county suck

McCain: it's all evil partisanship and americans are tired of it

Mod: who is a good democrat

McCain: joe lieberman

Mod: no an actual dem

McCain: russ feingold

Mod: ooh a jew bold move old man

McCain: ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mod: ok Huckster McCain has fallen asleep so the floor is yours

Mod: dood we have governor as presnit now and frankly he sucks so why should we elect you

Huckster: i want to be Communicator in Chief

Mod: but the evil Dems!!

Huckbee: i will go to the american people and speak softly

McCain: i can whisper like i'm doing now

Mod: which presnit do you admire

McCain: John F Kennedy

Mod: what will you do about Iraq

McCain: stop lying to the American peeple

Mod: that's just crazy enough to work

Question from audience: SCHIP doods

Huckabee: the Dems wants to give welfare to people making $80,000 a year and we just can't afford it

Mod: but everyone agree with them

Huckabee: that proves my point the Democrats are so evil they appeal to people whereas John McCain has risen above such pettiness as popularity

Mod: well yes or no for SCHIP

Huckabee: look most people like kids and Republicans would give them health care if we could afford it

Mod: yes or fucking no

Huckabee: i hate the elderly too

McCain: those fucking dems were going to increase taxes on smoking meaning they were going to tell people to keep smoking to help children well that's bad

viewer: huh

McCain: we just can't afford it

viewer: so what's the answer

McCain: walk-in clinics

Huckbee: let's not debate who denied kids health care the important point is that Dems are bad

Q: how do we solve social security

McCain: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mod: wake up dood

McCain: 401ks, savings accounts, Dems need to sit down with us and agree to destroy the system

Huckebees: annutities

Mod: what else

Huckabees: the word privatize scared people the better word is "personalized" accounts the government would be your partner

Mod: in other words, eliminate social security

Huckster: yes but not for the current elderly

audience: yay!

McCain: ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Huck: doctors go to school for a long time and insurance companies tell him how long he can spend with you

Mod: fucking private market

Huck: and don't get me started on those gowns no secrets dood

Mod: and those magazines i mean highlights??

McCain: people skip medical school because it's expensive so we should do that thing they did on Northen Exposure

Mod: i never got that wasn't he from new york city?

McCain: let it go dood

Mod: name one good thing Bush has ever done

McCain: he won the election and he promised to get rid of social security


[synchronized swimming clap ]

McCain: the fucking partisan dems derailed it damm hippie traitors

Question: doods who watches the nest egg?

Huckman: dood you will it will be like the FDIC you will be like a flying wallenda an investor with a safety net

Mod: because americans never lose money in investments

Huckabee: exactly who would trust a bunch of bureauracrats

McCain: i would have a group like the board of trustees of Social Security now to oversee how SS money is invested

Mod: i'm sorry what the fuck

McCain: i would have the government insure people investing in gold mines in africa

audience member: jesus fucking christ what the fuck???

McCain: dood no one ever washed a rental care people will never lose their own money!

audience member: dood did the vietcong hit you in the head or something

McCain: well there would be limits

Huckabee: we should have courses in money management ergo problem solved

audience member: holy shit you're crazee too

Your final statements pleeze:

Huckster: look we've been through Revolution and WWII and the Civil War and the Great Depression and all sorts of horrible shit so i truly belive the country could survive my presidency too

McCain: look Republicans are corrupt and in prison and we failed in Katrina and we failed in Iraq so you should vote for me

Mod: huh

McCain: i will carry a pen with me to stab lobbyists with

audience: yay

Closing statements:

McCain: i love the commmies at Divided We Fail and thank the Huckster -- also Rudy Guiliani and Fred Thomspon can suck my dick

audience: yay

McCain: as you may now we lost a war was i was a pow and jane fonda was ruining america and then ronald reagan came and won the cold war without drinking a shot and now we face consumate evil from islamofascist and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mod: well he fell asleep - Hucky?

Huckster: yay I'm the last one left standing!!

audience: yay

Huckster: no male in my family ever went to high school

Mod: well that's it

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Michael Chertoff on ABC

Charlie Gibson: dood you must be hoping to avoid another katrina

Michael Chertoff: no i'm just fascinated by fire

Gibson: oh c'mon dood u totally dropped the ball

Chertoff: true but there aren't as many blacks this time

Gibson: what's fire like dood

FEMA Head: charlie i'll be honest with you: it's hot

Gibson: fascinating

Gibson: how do u put a fire out

FEMA head: we use water

Gibson: stunning

Gibson: this is teh largest evacuation since Henry VIII had a big bowl of fiber where do all the people go

Chertoff: they go to hotels or the racetrack

Gibson: awesome

Monday, October 22, 2007

Valerie Plame on 60 Minutes

Valerie Plame on 60 Minutes
Host: Katie Couric
October 21, 2007

Couric: were u covert

Plame: totally

Couric: c'mon between us gurlz why would anyone out you Val

Plame: to smear my husband joe katie-kins

Couric: and how was that

Plame: um it sucked

Couric: you were deep undercover

Plame: my sex life with joe is not the issue here

Couric: of course

Plame: i was in charge of stoping the spread of nukes

Couric: you thought saddam had evil chemicals

Plame: he had the Mustache Of Secrecy

Couric: deadeye dick wanted a dood to go to Niger

Plame: well joe was an expert on Iraq and Niger you think you come across someone like that every day

Couric: well so is anderson cooper

Plame: hes hawt

Couric: totally

Couric: you thought bush and powell lied to the whole world

Plame: yes that was strange

Couric: [looks concerned]

Plame: it was a thin case

Couric: [ looks very concerned ]

Couric: admit it babe joe almost outed u

Plame: bullshit katie

Couric: no look at my hands they're touching in a thoughtful manner

Plame: oh horseshit

Couric: okay you win valli

Plame: call me Ms Plame

Couric: [ meekly ] ok

Couric: was anyone killed because bob novak and karl rove are evil

Plame: oh yes

Couric: yur like greta garbo

Plame: yeah that photo a bit was silly

Couric: what did medal of feerdom say

Plame: he wuz pissed

Couric: why

Plame: i was supposed to give bob woodward an exclusive

Couric: but you are partysan

Plame: well duh i'm battling evil

Couric: does that evil have a name

Plame: s-c-o-o-t-e-r

Couric: joe why are so mean

Joe Wilson: u bet i'm pissed no one went after Rove's family

Couric: well in fairness their spouses are serving their country as lobbyists not betraying america by working for a subversive organization like the CIA

Wilson: are you sure about that

Couric: it's a safe assumption they would never do that

Wilson: good point kittycat

Couric: why dont u shut up

Plame: hey we've got young children

Couric: be careful they may go after them next

Plame: o man yur right

Couric: will you have sex with me yur hawt

Plame: i'm married to joe wilson honey bun

Couric: ok a threesome then

Plame: kinky

Couric: im not picky

Plame: i'll pass but thanks

Couric: ok you rock

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Meet The Press - October 14, 2007


Meet The Press - October 14, 2007
Guests: Bil Cosby, Alvin Poussaint


Cosby and Poussaint: the n-word is a slave master word

Russert: u don't like it

Poussaint: it's derogatory

Russert: white kids say it's cool to use the n-word

Cosby: black males and white male are like vanilla and chocolate pudding pops they have a lot in common

Russert: like how

Cosby: they have a position toward teh female using the b-word and then use the n-word and then they start using the p-word

Russert: what's that

Cosby: pundit

Pousaint: now they're using teh word "wigger"

Cosby: the white guys in teh boardrooms luv rape

Russert: oh really why

Cosby: it raises dopamine

Russert: fascinating do u have a newsletter i can subscribe to

Poussaint: rap music is hurtful

Cosby: black kids can't read they just use the n-word in the candy store

Russert: strong stuff

Cosby: we have to start letting the kids know who's boss

Rusert: ok

Cosby: there's too much inertia and entropy

Russert: wow u are fascinating

Cosby: when i was in teh navy they never would never curse or use the n-word but they got creative

Russert: like how

Cosby: the called me a one-eye maggot

Tim: so your book is a clarion call for more creative insults?

Cosby: right like i'm sure big russ taught you some cool put downs

Russert: yes we used to call people buffalo bill-hating pultroons

Cosby: zing!!!

Cosby: one parent families are the problem

Russert: what is the solution

Cosby: the love-giver! One parent are not a problem! The love-giver has to do some smacking around!

Russert: it's a metaphor for Iraq

Cosby: how so timmy?

Russert: we have to be the love-giver for Iraq and smack the Iraqis around in the name of tough love

Cosby: Yes! that's exactly what I'm talking about!

Russert: we can win!

Cosby: we can win!

Timmeh: Robinson says there is not one uniform black america

Poussaint: oh i disagree look at Jena

Russert: yes all of black America can agree that her book is an insult

Poussaint: true the black middle class is off doing their own thing but even they are not voting Republican

Russert: so sad you're so partisan

Cosby: i hate blacks yelling at me you have to listen to what bill cosby is saying bill cosby is saying school is good and goodness is good

Russert: who is this

Bill Cosby: Bill Cosby

Tim Russert: Tim Russert agrees with you

Cosby: anyone who got attacked by the Klan only had themselves to blame

Poussaint: Alvin Poussaint doesn't agree with you

Cosby: we have to treat our children like criminals in a maximum security prison and shake em down

Poussaint: all these anti-education black families piss me off

Russert: blacks don't vote so sad

Cosby: i spend all my days on the phone bugging prisons on who is on medication

Russert: i spend my days on the phone with karl rove

Russert; you say black women are the bomb and the men suck

Cosby: they all want to be in the NBA and be hip-hoppers

Russert: what's the solution to the problems of the black community

Cosby: less credit card debt - Come on People!!

Cosby: kids are like a barbara eden they are the genie in a lamp we have to rub our children for the genius to come out

Russert: 'Big Bill and Me' read it c'mon people

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 14, 2007

This Week With George Stephanopoulos
October 14, 2007
Guest: Nancy Pelosi

Stephanopolous: Cindy Sheehan is running against you

Nancy Pelosi: hey i hate the war too

Stephanoplous: but its weird yur a san fransisco treat

Pelosi: hey i'm trying to get 60 votes

Steph: barney frank says step up or fuck off

Pelosi: oh very nice you try being Speaker - you and your Massachusetts gay buddy

George Will: gore is sharing the nobel so it doesn't count

Steph: oh ok

Will: 1 foot increase in sea levels

Sam Donaldson: no it could be a greater increase

Will: but in a 1,000 years

Donaldson: but i'm 500 years old!

Roberts: Gore should run for the Republican nomination

Donaldson: Iran is killing our troops!!!

Cokie: Obama is not a serious person this is a serious show also hillary flip flops

Will: she wants to raise taxes on the rich!!!

Cokie: this is the turning point for Hillary we in the press have decided to turn on her

Donaldson: what? i didn't get the memo

Cokie: dood u forgot to pay yur dues to david broder

Bartlett: Fred Thomspon is a dud

Will: his analysis is spot on - Romney is also a moron

Donaldson: McCain should get up off the floor

Steph: what else

Donaldson: Fred should wear Bush's scorn as a badge of honor

Cokie: i can't believe that people still support Rudy after they've gotten to know him

Will: he's pure of heart

Donaldson: he's a calculating bastard

Will: Hillary must be attacked with a serrated edge

Donaldson: i still like Fred Thompson

Will: i thought he did well for a man who has been dead for two years

The Chris Matthews Show - October 14, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show
October 14, 2007

Matthews: iowa is where the music and politics died what's up with that

Yepsen: iowans dated Dean and married Kerry then they had a torrid affair with john edwards

Matthews: can you blame them look at him he's so cute

Kornblut: Hillary is polarizing

Bumiller: she's shrill

Yepsen: she shouldn't yell at people

Matthews: when does she stop being flawless and slip up so i can criticize her i can't wait for that!!

Kornblut: yay!!!

Matthews: look at romney i want him to serve me breakfast in bed!!

Bumiller: he's having fun

Matthews: it's like Prince Charles doing the white guy dance with the natives

Yepsen: be careful they let you dance and then they eat you

Panel: if Hillary wins in Iowa it's over

Panel: it's between Romney and Rudy

Bumiller: uh yeah um whatever dood

Matthews: why doesn't Obama say that his judgment was right about Iraq so Hillary's experience doesn't matter

Kornblut: that's all he does Stupid

Bumiller: i got to talk with cool guys in uniform and they were very open about what they thought

Matthews: what did they say

Bumiler: i can't tell you


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Republican Debate - October 9, 2007

Republican Debate on Economics
October 9, 2007
Dearborn, Michigan
Moderators: “Crazy” Chris Matthews,
Maria “Hottie” Bartiomo, some other people

Moderator: Fred tell us about economics

Fred: the economy is rosy - but long term its a different story

Maria: what’s that?

Fred: it's very rosy

Maria: ok

Mitt: oh noes Gov. Granholm will tax our debates!!

Maria: good thing we never hold a real one just these idiotic staged events

Rudy: Presidents must crush jury awards - like giving A-Rod too much money its terrible

Matthews: what about joe torre?

Rudy: hes teh best i luv him

Ron Paul: military industrial complex doods!!!

McCain: dood read Adam Smith he was a good friend of mine my economic plan is that we stop spending too much - oh and by the way i luv the war which is free as you know

Maria: is it fair?

McCain: sure it's fair except for the economy, market, and tax code

Matthews: Huckster a consumer tax will stop me from buying a new yacht!!

Huckabee: no its phenomenal we'll tax shit so much we won't be able to buy anything and our trade deficit will go down

Matthews: oh wow

Hcukabee: its get better -- when pimps start paying taxes we can fund the war just from Congressional Republicans alone!

Matthews: awesome

Hunter: yur all fucking commies I would tax fortune cookies and that will fund the war!!!


Matthews: Senator Thompson wake up

Fred: what

Matthews: anyone home dood

Fred: fuckin' chinese grrrrrrrr

Maria: Senator Uterus taxes?

Brownback: we're taxed to the max!

Maria: sing it homey

Brownback: why is washington trying to run people's private lives

Maria: terri schiavo dood

Brownback: who

Rudy: George Will luvs me

Mitt: you took away bill clinton's power yur bad

Rudy: idiot i'm in favor the line item veto but it's not fucking legal


Fred: i like free marketz

Hunter: damm commmies!

Matthews: i miss the 50s

McCain: i sank an aircraft carrier did u know the pentagon wastes a lot of money

Mod: what about trade

McCain: smoot hawley caused aucshwitz dood

Maria: I can haz dubai buy america?

Mitt: of course lets put down the drawbridge

Fred: we can't protect America!

Hunter: fuckin' a-rabs!

Brownback: the chinese keep stealing our hollywood movies they sell Gigli bootlegs its awful

Fred: we can't leave between our tail between legs damm islamofascists are in for 1,000 years so we have to stay for at least for 500

McCain: we're winning and we have to join the military or Americorps

Paul: criminy we going broke and maintaining a fucking empire that will end someday and then kablooey

Matthews: what do you mean

Paul: read Gibbon shithead

Brownback: Saddam was mixing terror and WMD its like he was a baking a big War Cake

Fred: once upon a time the WMD were there in 1986

Matthews: so Reagan said good job

Fred: the Saudis could get a nuke!!

Matthews: would you need authorization to attack Iran

Mitt: how should I know?

Matthews: no reason

Mitt: Ahmedinijad is outrageous why he's talked about genocide and the U.S. as Ruler of Planet Earth cannot let this man control the button

Paul: holy shit you're all crazee

Huckabee: what if Iran they built the bomb and would give it away to Warren Terra!!!

Matthews: wake up Fred

Fred: huh what

Tancredo: omg california shouldn't be allowed to buy Louisiana oil!!!

McCain: my god that’s stupid - we should drill in the grand canyon

Harwood: should Exxon give back some of their profits

McCain: if they want to

Harwood: that's all?

McCain: venezuala bullys people and use oil as a weapon -- the only legit weapon is one dropped from a B-52

Huckabee: goober and gomer with the bottle rockets!

Fred: democracy is good but stability is better so we shouldzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

McCain: how this for straight talk - fuck you all

Romney: i'm a sunny optimist i luv people

Rudy: hillary wants to give away money

Hunter: the damm chinese are cheating!

Brownback: hey we've got 1/3 of the world's military spending we must be doing something right

Rudy: there are good unions and bad unions

Mod: what's a good union

Rudy: UAW they gave $2 billion to GM

Mod: what's a bad union

Rudy: my second marriage

Brownback: hey my mother was married she was a pistol packing grandma

Mod: did she go postal

Tancredo: fuck your mother she sounds like that lazy family with the kids who got in the car accident

Mod: you forgot to bring up illegal immigration

Tancredo: oh shit!

Maria: detroit sucks

McCain: yes but we should fix health care frist

Maria: how so

McCain: drink a glass of ethanol every morning

Maria: should we stop a massive labor walkout?

Fred: no

Maria: why not

Fred: it's past my bedtime

Matthews: goddam you suck

Lighting Round!

Huckabee: health care - i don't trust anyone but me

Maria: arabs!

Mitt: we should follow shady people into mosques

Maria: weak dollar

Fred: well you know they are soft and flexible i mean we could make them out of something stiffer but then how would we fold it in a wallet

Mod: support the nominee?

Paul: what are you fucking crazee have you seen the lunatics standing next to me

Tancredo: no way none of you hate mexicans

Brownback: i will support the nominee whoever it is

Matthews: even if he's pro-choice

Brownback: well then no

Maria: is london better than new york?

Rudy: jesus are you campaigning for me what a fucking easy question

Maria: i luv you Rudy

Maria: will you please bash Sarbanes Oxley

Rudy: yes i will thank you for that leading question

Romney: oh can i answer that ridiculous question!!!??

Maria: yes but only if you love family values

Romney: this is just like Law & Order there's a lot of crazy white doods and one really hot chick asking questions

Matthews: how do we catch bin Laden?

McCain: i would ask the President of France to get him

Maria: what's greatest threat to the US economy

Mitt: over-optimism its killing us

Brownback: the best place to be is between a man and woman

Maria: Fred did you like the debate

Fred: it reminds of the nursing home i have no idea what's going there most of the time either

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

60 Minutes Interview with Bruce Springsteen
October 7, 2007

Bruce Springsteen: im a shaman - a storyteller

Scott Pelley: you're worth

[puts a pinky to mouth]

100 million dollars

Bruce Springsteen: im an artist dood plus women swoon

Scott Pelley: its good to be rock star

Bruce Springsteen: it doesn’t suck

Pelley: do you get laid a lot

Bruce Springsteen: entertaining people thrills me

Pelley: you’re an attention whore

Bruce: and you’re a media whore who do u think is having more fun

Pelley: are in you in it for the women or the adulation

Bruce Springsteen: i can't live without the music dood

Scott Pelley: yur controversial

Bruce Springsteen: im interested in america and where were are headed

Scott Pelley: wow u are a radical

Bruce Springsteen: dimwit

Scott Pelley: do u you hate Born to Run

Van Zandt: well are you sick of being a sychophantic asshole

Scott Pelley: no it made me rich

Van Zandt: well there u are

Scott Pelley: this audience is crazee they know all the words

Bruce Springsteen: yes do people seem to like it

Scott Pelley: yur very handsome

Bruce Springsteen: yes i am cool

Scott Pelley: whats with yur voice I thought you were from Jersey

Bruce Springsteen: im an honorary Nebraskan

Scott Pelley: oh?

Bruce Springsteen: i'm channelling woody guthrie so shut the fuck up

Scott Pelley: yur daddy didn't love you

Bruce Springsteen: well after i won an Oscar for a movie about gay love he broke down

Scott Pelley: ok

Scott Pelley: yur not subtle - you ask why should people die for a mistake

Bruce Springsteen: well let me introduce you to a concept called reality

Scott Pelley: like what

Bruce Springsteen: torture, no right to trial,

Scott Pelley: woo hoo!! USA USA USA!

[Springsteen rolls eyes]

Pelley: do u hate America?

Bruce: ha ha ha that's what cowards always say

Pelley: so why sing

Bruce: because I love america and its ideals

Pelley: but u could retire rich and support President Stupid

Bruce: I'm the canary in teh coal mine dood

Pelley: i don't understand

Bruce: that's my point

60 Minutes Interview with Ron Noble - October 7, 2007

60 Minutes Interview with Interpol head Ron Noble
October 7, 2007

Steve Kroft: dood 9/11 talk to me

Ron Noble: i promised that would never happen again

Kroft: so who called you after that tragic day

Noble: nobody!!

Kroft: you speak 4 languages and hang out in Lyon France

Noble: hey they used to take weekends off

Kroft: but now you totally rock USA! USA! USA!

Noble: dont fuck with Interpol dude

Kroft: you still don’t do very much though

Noble: Al Qaeda wants to kill 4 million of us which means they can!!!

Kroft: OMG!!!

Noble: i know!!!

Kroft: criminals on the Internet in Nigeria!!!

Noble: Arghh!!!!

Irish dude: kiddie porn!!!

Kroft: Interpol is on the case

Irish cop: don't fuck with us!

Kroft: yur giving away all your secrets

Irish: but think of all the good publicity!

Kroft: Jihadist websites!!!

Noble: every single stolen passport belongs to a terrorists!!!

Kroft: OMG!!!!!

Kroft: how many americans at this super-important agency!!!???

Noble: Zero!!!

Kroft: OMG!!!!

Kroft: nobody likes you dood

Noble: we need money!

Kroft: how much

Noble: we only get $50 million that's the same as David Beckham dood!!!

Kroft: well are you married to as Spice Gurl

Noble: sadly no

Kroft: then shut the fuck up

Noble: [ weeps ]

Kroft: yur crying what's wrong

Noble: 9/11 9/11 9/11

Meet the Press - October 8, 2007

Meet the Press with Tim Russert
October 8, 2007
Guest: Senator John Edwards

Tim Russert: bill richardson says you’re a hawkish poppyhead

John Edwards: fuck bill richardson

Russert: you want to stay in Iraq until 2013 what's up with that

Edwards: i would place a quick force in Kuwait

Russert: like who

Edwards: the fantastic four

Russert: so why all those troops

Edwards: you gotta protect the Embassy

Russert: so what will they do in Kuwait

Edwards: go after Al Qaeda-in-Kuwait

Russert: but they are not in Kuwait

Edwards: well not yet

Russert: Are you a phony

Edwards: why yes i am thank you for asking tim russert

Russert: yur kidding right

Edwards: yes what tipped you off

Russert: you're rich so how can you care about poor people

Edwards: i use my wealth to try to help poor people

Russert: but that does not compute

Edwards: what should i do

Russert: hire them to mow your lawn in Nantucket

Edwards: can u recommend someone

Russert: speaking of hedges you work for a hedge fund

Edwards: this is a stupid conversation

Russert: you played the "Bubba Card"

Edwards: who among us does not find the Clintons a little too Clintonian

Russert: oh i know what you mean i'm a blue collar guy from Buffalo

Edwards: yeah and I'm a poor black woman from Carolina

Russert: can you win

Edwards: there's no place i can go that I can't win

Russert: will we see you in hackensack

Edwards: what are you crazy dood

Russert: hillary is polarizing and poison

Edwards: maybe she is

Russert: your wife says hillary is hated for no reason and so we should not vote for her

Edwards: tim it is true that you are an idiot and that is hard for me to talk about

Russert: you have no money the great Orange Satan dailykos sez this makes you dangerous meaning you will lose

Edwards: dood do you even know what dangerous means

[ break ]

David Broder: Hillary wants to attack iran which is a very safe stand

Russert: she's crafty

Broder: she's a triagulator

Russert: the polls say the like her

Broder: well I don't believe the polls then

Ted Koppel: it's too early to talk about it

Russert: so let's talk about it some more

Margaret Carlson: iowans hate hillary cause they have a smugness detector

Audience: how did you get in

Russert: Rudy says Hillary is Eva Peron look at this funny prop he put out

David Brody (Christian network): Rudy says sure i love gay gun- stealing aborters but at least i'm not hillary

Broder: Mrs. Clinton is scary but i hate Rudy too he's too liberal

Russert: ha ha ha he's trying to trick conservative voters hee hee

Broder: dammit i hate him where did all these gays come from anyway

Russert: i love american politics because nothing matters and we can treat it all as a horse race

Rudy: i hate teh gun nuts

Russert: hee hee hee how do we work as journalists

Audience: do you really want an answer tim russert

Carlson: they want someone with experience on terror so they naturally they turn to Rudy

Russert: what experience does he have defending from terrorism

Carlson: not defending it committing it


Monday, October 01, 2007

Meet The Press with Bill Clinton - September 30, 2007

Meet The Press with Tim Russert
September 30, 2007
Guest: President Bill Clinton

Russert: what's with yur charity thing

Clinton: i like to bring together it's to the world's benefit that I am the child of an abusive alcoholic

Russert: awesome

Clinton: global warming, small businesses in the third world, virtual world

Russert: but yur a broker

Clinton: I got Canadian mines to agree to help local people and the environment

Russert: i told George Bush about that and he said he didn't like mimes

Clinton: yes that sounds like him

Russert: global warming not fair to poorest countries

Clinton: that's a good point but now china and india are poisoning themselves and they have to go green

Russert: let me play my interview with you where i was a little sneaky with yur wife

Clinton: ha ha ha

Timmeh: yur wife dissed you dood

Bill Clinton: oh man isn't she awesome

Timmeh: she is hot

Clinton: hey dood torture sucks and i know we all get sucked into the Jack Bauer scenario but really that isn't going to happen

Tim: but you said you would torture

Clinton: well Hillary told me to come on your show and say i was wrong

Tim: ok

Russert: your wife slapped you down Boy-o

Bill: I’m so proud of her

Russert: but that look on her face was like, ‘don't fuck with Hillary’

Clinton: dood when you diddle the intern you have to take that look for the rest of your life

Tim: what will you do

Bill: First Laddie

Russert: Laddie, Come Home!

Clinton: i will the Roving Dood

Tim: that's how you got in trouble in the first place

Russert: dood you're forming a Dynasty

Bill: Chelsea can beat Jenna or that George P Bush character

Russert: we can't go Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton

Bill: hey either she will earn or not it's not her fault that Stupid has been a crappy president

Russert: fair enough

Clinton: she's the smartest person of my generation

Russert: greensnap says yur a GOPPer

Clinton: oh bullshit dems balance the budget and lower taxes on the middle class that Ayn Rand-loving fool just drinking the kool aid

Tim: who will be the GOP nominee

Clinton: those fuckers are insane - Fred Thompson is out to lunch, Rudy is crazy, Romney has the money but is a lightweight

Tim: who wins

Clinton: issue is when will Rudy implode, when will people see through Mitt Romney, will McCain survive, and can the likeable Huckabee squeak thru

Tim: put yur pundit cap on why diss Tavis Smiley?

Clinton: it's stunning all four of those doods are politically tone deaf of course what do i know - i only won 2 presidential erections

Russert: you mean elections

Clinton: oh yes

[ break ]

Russert: you implied the GOP hates blacks

Tavis Smiley: well they do man

Tim: you’re blunt

Tavis: hey even other Republics said its embarrasing

[on tape]
Kemp: i like blacks
Steele: some of my best frendz r black

Pat Buchanan: let me explain something to you 95% of primary voters are white and New Hampshire makes the other primaries look like 125th street

Tim: cool

Buchanan: after the primary they can always go after the black vote - i'm sure it will easy to get their vote between August and October

Tavis: well that is just stupid

Buchanan: the costs are too great

Tavis: what are the costs

Buchanan: looking like you care about poor and black voters hurts your in a GOP primary

Tavis: a ha

Buchanan: it's Romney's to lose

Tavis: mormon issue?

Buchanan: we'll see only Rudy and Huckabee could stop him

Balz: but Rudy is a total weirdo

Buchanan: so are a lot of religious voters

David Gregory: the Dem race is really really tight

Tavis: but do people lie about their support for Obama

Buchanan: iowa is super-important because if she wins Hillary rolls and if Edwards or Obama wins they become the alternative to her

Russert: then Obama can win South Carolina

Balz: the clintons do not have a network in iowa but she's working it

Russert: this is so fascinating how i am talking about a dynasty and his role in the office

Gregory: yes it's amazing how we are talking about it

Russert: i'm blown away about how this is an issue

Gregory: yes how is it that people are talking about it?

Buchanan: i worry about Obama he's a crazy lefty and can't go after Hillary because he is black

Russert: so sad

Buchanan: i can't believe the liberals dems want 21 to be the drinking age that's insane!!!

Russert: it's national policy dood

Buchanan: see what i mean!

Tavis: Pat you're a pseudo racist idiot

Buchanan: i luv ward connerly

Timmeh: they won't commit to pulling out of Iraq

Balz: thank god they are serious and not listening to the bloggers

Russert: ha ha Hillary won't pick between 2 teams

Gregory: she's so calculating

Russert: the candidates are hiding on the blogs!! I'm the only one getting them to answer the tough questions like which baseball team they would root for in hypothetical game!!!!!

Balz: you're the last man with integrity tim

The Chris Matthews Show -September 30, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show
September 30, 2007

Matthews: omg hillary is going to attack iran!!!

Kay: omg she's very calculating and as a wommin she has to kill someone to prove she's strong!!

Brooks: the silent majority who are tough not weak i luv toughness so i'm going to keep saying toughness voters are toughness they aren't weak cowards like bloggers

Tucker: omg teh dems won't get us out of iraq so crazeee!!

Tweety: she's a shrill harpie -- she's a sharpie

Ignatius: i'm going to put on my serious voice and say Americans understand the world is complex and we must be cautious and invade many countries around the world

Brooks: there is an iran psychosis it's all about jimmy carter - i'm david brooks and I say must not kowtow to iran!! - by which i mean not bombing the shit out of the country - hell you might as well surrender

Tweety: omg is Hillary another George W Bush???

Brooks: luckily she is a very serious person she wants to invade iran which is as well now a very cautious prudent approach

Tweety: are going to war?

Ignatius: we're on a collision course no on can stop it - it's a mystery to me

Matthews: i want a new war!!!

Kay: can we calm down

Matthews: no we must be tough - ergo invade iran

Brooks: Toughness tough

Matthews: tough toughness

Tucker: tough tuff enuf

Ignatius: loud shrill

Matthews: Iran prez says we have no gays

Tweety: omg all the GOP are gay Mahmoud should learn they're everywhere!

Baghdad Bob: Sadaam, you're doing a heck of a job

Ignatius: ha ha no wonder we thought it would be a cakewalk - it's not my fault!!

Tweety: omg black voters might vote democrat this time!!!! cynthia tucker yur black what do u think?

Tucker: dood the real problem is that repbuic party hates blacks that's how they got popular but they have to reach out to black and brown voters and its really really stupid

Matthews: why didn't Mitt and Rudy and McCain show up to the debate

Tucker: they're fucking assholes

Katty: they didn't decide to write off teh black vote - it just comes naturally

Tweety: Maccaca!

Ignatius: sadly that made my buddy george allen look stupid - the GOP need black votes

Tweety: well that's not good news for them is it

Brooks: dood just show up at the debate i mean it was tv face time you think i would turn it down - oh no i wouldn't

Ignatius: iran has no nukes

Tweety: i luv it!

Tucker: Dems feel good but the voter ID laws could be a killer

Brooks: omg NCLB is a total failure!

Tweety: wow who would have thought!

Matthews: SCOTUS election issue?

Katty: no

Ignatius: yes cause now we have a majority to end abortion

Brooks: not an election issue

Tucker: only if the court takes on a hot button case but they're not stupid they'll wait until 2009 to take away the rest of your rights