Sunday, October 30, 2011

Meet The Press - October 30, 2011

David Plouffe - Obama Campaign
Jennifer Granholm
Walter Isaacson
Tom Brokaw
Mike Murphy
Gregory: what’s wrong in Washington?

Plouffe: the GOP will do anything to protect
rich people

Gregory: let’s talk about the most important
issue in America - Solyndra

Plouffe: we need to fund green energy

Gregory: I don’t see why?

Plouffe: these loan programs are a good use
of government money Fluffy

Gregory: but should government play
venture capitalist?

Plouffe: well you play journalist

Gregory: good one Pluffy

Plouffe: anyway this was a Bush
administration program

Gregory: will you cooperate with a
Congressional subpoena?

Plouffe: yes - if it will create jobs

Gregory: is the President in a funk?

Plouffe: the President is totally funky!

Gregory: he seems depressed about
the election

Plouffe: we ended the Iraq, repealed DADT,
passed health care reform and killed
Osama bin Laden

Gregory: Saint Stephen of the Apple said
to Obama “you’re going to be a
one-term President”

Plouffe: he also created the Lisa

Gregory: blasphemer - Steve Jobs
was a god among men

Plouffe: we were almost in a Depression
when Obama took office

Gregory: how do answer the charge that
Obama did not create the iPod?

Plouffe: the GOP wants to repeal
environmental laws and lower taxes
on the top 1%

Gregory: who will the GOP nominee be?

Plouffe: does it matter - their policies
are all terrible!

Gregory: is Cain for real?

Plouffe: he’s really crazy - but that’s not a
barrier to getting the GOP nomination

Gregory: what about Mitt Romney?

Plouffe: Romney flip-flopped on laws of
abortion, gay rights, taxes and gravity

Gregory: is Obama down with
Occupy Wall Street?

Plouffe: even non-hippies are pissed off
at inequality Fluffy!

Gregory: so will Obama hold a drum circle
in the Rose Garden?

Plouffe: We love the free market but the
Republicans wants Wall street to write its
own rules - that didn’t go so well the first time

Gregory: thanks for coming Pluffer

[ break ]

Gregory: Panel I have noticed some people
like Obama and some don’t

Brokaw: Obama has found his voice ever
since the GOP went completely insane

Gregory: Obama went from Hope & Change
to Funkadelic

Granholm: Obama demonstrated for 3 years
that he was willing to compromise and
now he’s ready for a fight

Gregory: People think the country is on
the wrong track - why isn’t Obama doing worse?

Murphy: Plouffe owes Romney an apology for
calling him a flip-flopper

Gregory: but he is a flip-flopper

Murphy: but it’s not fair!!

Isaacson: I know Herman Cain personally
and he always seemed like a normal person

Gregory: really?

Isaacson: Cain has finally allowed America
to debate whether to give even more money
to the richest people in the country

Brokaw: the GOP is still trying to find a sane
candidate who they actually like

Gregory: that’s not going to be easy

Granholm: Mitt Romney has no principles at all!

Murphy: People love Cain because he is
definitely not from Washington

Gregory: New York Magazine tried to smear
Romney as a rich greedy capitalist slimeball
from Wall Street

Isaacson: that’s completely unfair -
Mitt Romney is from Boston

Brokaw: I was stunned by Cain’s smoking ad -
after all cigarettes do kill you

Gregory: real independent Americans don’t
let the nanny state tell you not to poison
yourself with cancer-causing chemicals

Murphy: that was pot Tom

Gregory: the great debate in America is
whether there is too much inequality or if
the rich are greatly suffering from a
graduated tax

Granholm: oh my fucking god

Murphy: Perry won’t commit to a flat tax -
pull the trigger cowboy!

Gregory: Tom you worry about a lack of
shared national purpose

Brokaw: the elderly’s message is
“I got mine screw you”

Gregory: old people really scare me

Brokaw: we need to make hard calls like
we did in World War Two - why won’t
someone attack America please!

Gregory: will our grandchildren lead better lives?

Brokaw: no of course not

Gregory: speaking of civic identity -
Steve Jobs created his own reality

Isaacson: they call it a reality distortion field
- kind of like watching Meet The Press

Gregory: why can’t Washington leaders
create reality like he did?

Isaacson: because we live in democracy Fluffy

Brokaw: Jobs had a great vision and also
a good idea which helps

Murphy: he thought long-term which is
rare in Washington or America for that matter

Isaacson: he didn’t care about quarterly
profits and look what he accomplished

Gregory: what is the lesson from
Steve Jobs’ life?

Isaacson: cut taxes for the rich and
raise them for the poor

Gregory: what do you think of
Steve Jobs Jennifer?

Granholm: there are people suffering
in this country and it’s not the rich

Gregory: America needs a rich weird
dickish dictator!

Brokaw: Labels are bad! Bipartisanship is good!

Murphy: Plouffe criticized Mitt Romney
for not having principles which is
not bipartisan at all!

Gregory: the poor appear to be getting restless

Isaacson: mister we could use man like
Andrew Jackson again

Brokaw: it’s true Romney is a flipper
but is he a flopper?

Murphy: Rick Perry is the real flip-flopper!

Brokaw: the Republican debates are
mainly watched by junkies

Gregory: indeed hard-core devotees of politics

Brokaw: no I mean actual meth addicts

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - October 30, 2011

Michele Bachmann (R-MN)
Austan Goolsbee
Dick Armey
Ron Brownstein
Cokie Roberts
George Will
Amanpour: good morning - there was a
major snowstorm in October and there was
a deadly attack in Kabul

Tapper: one of the worst ever Christiane

Amanpour: too bad - now we have to stay
in Afghanistan forever

Tapper: of course

Amanpour: Cain is leading Iowa!

Karl: Herman Cain’s campaign videos
have dudes on horseback smoking
and chugging whiskey

Audience: yee ha

Perry: shoot I may skip debatin’ dang it

Audience: oh noe

Romney: I don’t talk about politics -
that’s for the people to decide

Karl: Hillary Clinton for President!

Amanpour: Michele Bachmann was the leader
and now no one cares about her - it will take
a miracle for her to get the nomination

Bachmann: I’m sitting right here

Amanpour: oh hai

Bachmann: I’m still running for President!

Amanpour: are you sure?

Bachmann: Remember Fred Thompson?

Amanpour: wasn’t he a bad actor on
some crime show?

Bachmann: I’m the tip of the spear!

Amanpour: Are concentrating all of your
efforts on Iowa?

Bachmann: not all - I’m also focused on
losing New Hampshire

Amanpour: how could you possibly recover
from losing Iowa?

Bachmann: I wrote one the few hundred bills
to repeal Obamacare!

Amanpour: as President would you declare
war on Iran?

Bachmann: I would be very different from
Obama on Iran

Amanpour: how?

Bachmann: by not taking my eye off the
Iran nuclear ball

Amanpour: that should take care of the problem

Bachmann: we should listen whenever an
insane person speaks!

Amanpour: Is that your campaign slogan?

Bachmann: Iran was going to blow up a
Washington DC restaurant where dozens of
expense accounts could have been damaged!

Amanpour: would you go to war with Iran or not?

Bachmann: oh no because it’s not in our
national interest

Amanpour: you would have left Qadaffi in power

Bachmann: Obama is a very sneaky muslim
who secretly wanted to overthrow that nice
man Qaddafi without telling Congress

Amanpour: how underhanded

Bachmann: there is great uncertainty in Libya -
why extremists could take power in Libya which
would be terrible!

Amanpour: so very little cost and no troops
killed - and you still say it wasn’t worth it?

Bachmann: yes because in Libya there is a
struggle for power - do we want someone good
and decent like Qadaffi or an extremist who might
use oil revenues to create a global Caliphate??

Amanpour: you said 59,000 Yemenis and Syrians
came instead of 11 people from Yemen which
seems slightly off

Bachmann: look if there is even one undocumented
immigrant that proves Obama is letting terrorists
into America

Amanpour: also Yemen is not a state
sponsor of terror

Bachmann: Yes but they are coming from
Mexico and I would a build a big fence
argle bargle!!

Amanpour: Are you soft on flat taxes?

Bachmann: the biggest problem in America is
that poor people in the U.S. are not paying
enough federal income tax

Amanpour: I see

Bachmann: I would abolish the federal tax code
and replace it with a a series of graduated
income tax rates

Amanpour: thank for that amazing interview
Rep. Bachmann

[ break ]

Amanpour: Can Herman Cain win?

Will: He’s ahead because no one in Iowa in
paying attention

Roberts: He’s just this week’s alternative to
Mitt Romney

Brownstein: Lots of people hate Romney but
they can’t decide who else is crazy enough

Roberts: which makes him a lot of fun!

Amanpour: Dick do you like Cain?

Armey: You can tell he’s authentic because
he’s so fucking weird

Amanpour: will the Tea Party endorse him?

Armey: don’t be ridiculous

Amanpour: why not?

Armey: I love my grandchildren!

Amanpour: you like Rick Perry?

Armey: we’ve known since 1984 that a flat tax
works and Rick Perry figured it out this week

Brownstein: who can stop Mitt Romney?

Will: Mitt Romney - and I believe he can do it

Amanpour: should Perry skip the debates?

Will: he should skip sucking at them

Amanpour: well obviously George

Will: I miss Lincoln-Douglas

Goolsbee: if you can’t debate Romney you sure
as heck can’t debate Obama

Roberts: the debates are very shallow and
I love them

Brownstein: the debates help remind us who
the hell these people are

Amanpour: Rick Perry will let you choose
your own low taxes

Goolsbee: Rick Perry is the political equivalent
of the leisure suit

Amanpour: good one Austan

Goolsbee: they’re all fighting over who can
lower taxes on the rich the most!

Armey: I don’t understand why all you communists
don’t want to raise taxes on the poor

Brownstein: Mitt Romney is one of those
commies who once opposed a flat tax

Armey: that’s not fair Mitt Romney has held
every political position

Amanpour: good point Dick


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Meet The Press - October 23, 2011

Hillary Clinton (U.S. Sec. of State)
Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX)
Andrea Mitchell
Jack Welch (Fmr. CEO of GE)
Harold Ford (Morgan Stanley)
David Brooks
Gregory: After eight years in Iraq we spent
$700 billion and lost have 4,000 lives -
should we really leave when things
are going so well?

Gregory: Also Qaddafi is dead and Mitt Romney
touched Rick Perry!

Gregory: Good morning Hillary - Republicans
say if we leave Iraq it could possibly turn violent

Clinton: oh noe!

Gregory: yes really!

Clinton: you know Fluffy Bush committed
to withdrawing troops at the end of 2011

Gregory: but he was an idiot

Clinton: true - but we are going to have a
mature relationship with Iraq - no more
spitballs, name-calling and not sharing
the back seat of the car

Gregory: don’t we endanger our great
success war with Iraq with the possibility of war?

Clinton: we’re leaving and that’s it

Gregory: but I’m scared of Iran

Clinton: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: Isn’t it awful that Iran could
push Iraq around?

Clinton: that’s our job!

Gregory: right

Clinton: I’m kidding Greggers

Gregory: do you stand by your vote
authorizing invasion of Iraq?

Clinton: let’s not bicker about who wanted
to invade what country based on lies

Gregory: was the Iraq war worth it?

Clinton: Iraq is lovely free place now

Gregory: Isn’t it sad how Qaddafi was killed?

Clinton: yes there needs to be a thorough
investigation of how a feared dictator
somehow got killed by his long-oppressed people

Gregory: you said you would bomb anyone
in Pakistan who supports terrorism

Clinton: we Afghans are doing our part
and the Pakistanis need to as well

Gregory: that’s good

Clinton: we need to double our efforts
to kill any threats in any of the Stans

Gregory: Do you think the GOP candidates
can answer the 3:00 a.m. phone call?

Clinton: I will tell you this Fluffy - from
bin Laden to Alwaki to Qaddafi - I would
not fuck with Barack Obama

Gregory: ok

Clinton: I mean it David - we can’t take
a risk with this crop of morons!

Gregory: thanks for coming Hillary

[ break ]

Gregory: Ron Paul you would eliminate 5
cabinet departments and cut a trillion
dollars in spending

Paul: absolutely

Gregory: wouldn’t that cause a huge
amount of hardship?

Paul: no because the money would go
back to the people

Gregory: you would stop inspection
of nuclear plants?

Paul: well maybe not that

Gregory: oh well ok then

Paul: look I hate war and Social Security

Gregory: wouldn’t all those spending
cuts prevent economic recovery?

Paul: no because the government has taken
over the economy!

Gregory: would you abolish all student aid?

Paul: yes because most people should
not go to college

Gregory: even Rand?

Paul: especially him

Paul: I worked my way through medical
school participating in innovative medical
experiments and I turned out just fine

Gregory: clearly

Gregory: you would get rid of government’s
role in housing

Paul: yes because government prints money
and makes derivatives!

Gregory: but housing prices would go down

Paul: good!

Gregory: but I like my artificially expensive house

Paul: we bail out everyone and dump
debt on the people!

Gregory: what about pulling troops
out of Iraq?

Paul: we’re going to leave 15,000 CIA agents
and the Turks are working with Iran

Gregory: I didn’t know that

Paul: in other words we’re never leaving

Gregory: you would have left bin Laden alive!

Paul: no I would have killed him but I thought
prolonged occupation all over the world was stupid

Gregory: doesn’t the U.S. have a moral obligation
to help all people all over the world

Paul: No Fluffy - volunteers can handle
international conflicts

Gregory: what about the Drone Wars

Paul: they kill innocent people!

Gregory: what would you do if Iran invades Israel

Paul: pull your head out of your ass Fluffy
- Israel has 300 nuclear weapons!

Gregory: you said ‘taxation is immoral’

Paul: no ‘taxation is theft’

Gregory: I apologize

Paul: the government is not the boss of me!

Gregory: you want to get rid of Social Security

Paul: yes but I want to take care of the elderly
by cutting spending

Gregory: would you cut benefits?

Paul: no!

Gregory: so you would get rid of Social Security
but not cut benefits

Paul: yes because young people want to take
care of themselves right now until they get old

Gregory: you hate the debates

Paul: the entire world is falling apart and
we’re talking who is mowing Mitt Romney’s yard!

Gregory: is there no difference between
Romney and Obama?

Paul: Audit the Fed! Cut Social Security!
Cut a trillion dollars!

Gregory: wow

Paul: Occupy Wall Street and the Tea Party
agree - why is the government printing money?!?!

Gregory: thanks for coming doc

[ break ]

Gregory: Andrea Obama is taking credit just
because we’re leaving Iraq and freed Libya
without losing any troops

Mitchell: If leaving Iraq turns out to be a
good idea it will be because Bush agreed to
pull out but if it’s a mistake then it’s
all Obama’s fault

Brooks: Iran is very scary

Gregory: Obama has actually succeeded
in foreign policy

Ford: all well and good but Obama needs
to create jobs

Welch: I agree with Harold Ford

Gregory: the GOP debates are so exciting!

Mitchell: you would you hire any of these guys?

Brooks: these debates are just to prepare
Mitt Romney to face Barack Obama

Gregory: Jack you love Herman Cain

Welch: he’s crazy and his plan is insane but
I love his folksy charm and also he would
cut my taxes which is what America needs

Ford: Obama needs to learn from Herman Cain!

Welch: I re-agree with Harold Ford

Gregory: Can Obama win on taxing the rich?

Brooks: no because of Watergate

Gregory: I see

Brooks: Attacking the rich may help you
with fundraising but it won’t make you popular

Mitchell: Obama vs Romney will be our first
all-robot election

Gregory: how could Obama create jobs?

Welch: drill for oil and end all regulations

Gregory: I see

Welch: the jobs bill makes it illegal to discriminate
against unemployed people - that’s insane!

Ford: Obama is terrible because he keeps
attacking business - it’s so so sad

Welch: I re-re-agree with Harold Ford

Gregory: I see

Ford: we need to incentivize rich people
to spend their money!

Mitchell: what about Occupy Wall Street?

Ford: Fuck those dirty fucking hippies -
they’re ruining it for all of us

Brooks: Just cut taxes!

Welch: Obama should have proposed
Simpson-Bowles - that was awesome

Mitchell: yes if he had done that we would
all live in Merry Gumdrop Land where
all consumers are happy and the GOP would
not have threatened default on the debt ceiling

Welch: We need to take on China!

Brooks: who knows better about taking
on China than General Electric?

Gregory: what about foreign policy

Mitchell: the GOP candidates need to
persuade us they can handle foreign crisis
and so far that ain’t happening

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - October 23, 2011

October 23, 2011
Hillary Clinton (Sec. of State)
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Martha Raddatz
Richard Stengel
Robert Kagan
Amanpour: wow first today Tunisia votes
for the first time and an autopsy has Qaddafi
has confirmed is still dead

Amanpour: Are you in Uz-Beki-beki-stan?

Clinton: LOL I love Herman Cain

Amanpour: What was your gut reaction
to seeing Qaddafi’s guts?

Clinton: I thought - wow Libya deserves
to have their oil managed by a
freedom-loving country like the U.S.

Amanpour: should Qaddafi have had a
fair trial before being shot?

Clinton: absolutely - war crimes should
never be tolerated because above
we must have the rule of law for all people

Amanpour: even for Dick Cheney

Clinton: I said for all people

Amanpour: what about the Pan Am bomber?

Clinton: I heard they canceled that tv show

Amanpour: no the terrorist

Clinton: oh yeah that was bad too

Amanpour: should we really pull all troops
out of Iraq?

Clinton: we should leave unless they ask
us to stay then we should never leave

Amanpour: what about Afghanistan and
Pakistan is the Taliban going to abuse
women after we leave?

Clinton: anyone we negotiate with must
renounce violence and respect the rights
of ethnic minorities and women

Amanpour: that rules out the Republicans

Clinton: ha

Amanpour: is there going to be a terrorist
attack in Nairobi?

Clinton: who knows all those Kenyans
are scary

Amanpour: thanks for coming Hillary

[ break ]

Amanpour: did the U.S. want to keep troops
in Iraq?

Raddatz: yes they want to train Iraqis

Amanpour: it’s been eight years -
what do they need to learn about?

Raddatz: pepper spraying protesters

Kagan: Iran is threatening us and
we’re retreating!

McCain: we should let Iraqis dictate
American defense policy

Amanpour: I see

Amanpour: Senator should we pull out of Iraq ?

McCain: I fear foreign nations may try
to influence what goes on in Iraq which is
just plain wrong

Amanpour: oh my

McCain: the people in this region loved
the surge and love American soldiers

Amanpour: they do?

McCain: Iraq might form an alliance with Iran
and we should not let than happen

Raddatz: How do you get Iraqis agree to
let U.S. troops stay?

McCain: clearly you use the incredible
boyish charm of Lindsay Graham

Raddatz: what about immunity?

McCain: America should have backed Alawi
in Iraq’s free and fair elections!

Stengel: Look Obama made a promise and
he’s going to keep oh an also Iraq doesn’t want
us to be there and the American people don’t
want to stay either

Amanpour: so I hear you saying we should stay

Stengel: that’s right

Biden: In Libya Qaddafi is gone and went spent
almost nothing and no Americans were killed!

Amanpour: wasn’t Libya a brilliant success?

Kagan: it was a terrible failure because the
Libya operation doesn’t prove how big our
American genitalia are

Stengel: speak for yourself Bob

Raddatz: Drones make war easier -
and fun too

Amanpour: Should the U.S. launch a
NATO attack on Syria?

McCain: Obama is a terrible President because
Qaddafi wasn’t killed fast enough

Amanpour: you seem incredibly petty

McCain: also no British and French were killed and
they led unlike that weak total loser guy who beat me

Ama: wow thanks for proving me wrong

Kagan: I think Syria could either go bad or good

Amanpour: thanks for your expertise everyone

Amanpour: Jon Karl - please reduce our democracy
to talking points

Romney: I’m running for office I can’t have illegals!

Obama: give me that 3:00 am phone call - I’ll cut you!

Biden: if there is no jobs bill rape will rise!

McCain: Obama has a bus made in Canada
which I can’t believe because he took the
idea from me!

Bachmann: My campaign staff is not quitting!

Bachmann campaign staff: we’re outta here!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Meet The Press with Herman Cain - October 16, 2011

Herman Cain
Tim Pawlenty
Bobby Jindal (R-La)
Chuck Todd
Katty Kay
Gregory: Holy crap - Herman Cain is
leading for the GOP nomination

Audience: cripes

Gregory: who the fuck is this guy?

Cain: I’m sitting right here

Gregory: Hi - Herman you would raise
taxes on poor people and the middle class
and cut them for the rich

Cain: no because we will get rid of all
invisible taxes!

Gregory: oh my

Cain: companies will pay lower taxes and
pass those savings on to consumers

Gregory: would the middle class pay
more in taxes?

Cain: yes but more people would pay
less in taxes

Gregory: who would pay more in taxes?

Cain: people who buy things

Gregory: what about the elderly?

Cain: oh they would do very well

Gregory: why is that

Cain: they would pay no taxes on
their vast investments and complex
portfolio holdings

Gregory: under your plan people would
pay incredibly high state and federal sales taxes

Cain: that’s only true if you combine
state and sales taxes

Gregory: well I do combine them!

Cain: well don’t do that!

Gregory: that makes no sense!

Cain: you’re muddying the waters!

Gregory: Grover Norquist says you’re
creating new taxes

Cain: Who cares!

Gregory: How do you get this insanity
enacted into law?

Cain: the people will demand it!

Gregory: I find that hard to believe

Cain: talk to voters - they want 9-9-9!!

Gregory: you think there will be national
movement demanding lower taxes for the rich
and higher taxes on the middle class

Cain: Yes!

Gregory: What do you think of Occupy Wall Street?

Cain: Barack Obama caused the recession in 2007!

Gregory: you said liberals want to destroy America

Cain: yes by causing the recession
four years ago

Gregory: you think they did that on purpose?

Cain: yes because liberals want America to be weak!

Gregory: that’s an incredible claim

Cain: Fluffy why else would they go to the
trouble of building a time machine to go and
back to 2001 and make Bush look like a disaster?!!?

Gregory: you say stupid people are ruining America

Cain: yes - people are too much quick to insult
and vilify the other side!

Gregory: you don’t like to be called African-American

Cain: right - I’m not from Africa like some
Presidents I could mention

Gregory: you say your experience is
different from Obama

Cain: yes I'm really black and he made pizza
and he was rich and coddled and he’s part white

Gregory: Are we at war with Iran?

Cain: How should I know?

Gregory: what would you do about Iran
if you were President?

Cain: I would definitely consult other people

Gregory: like who?

Cain: John Bolton and Henry Kissinger

Gregory: Why those two

Cain: I do believe in diversity so I want to
hear from war criminals in all administrations

Gregory: are you a NeoCon?

Cain: that depends on what is a NeoCon?

Gregory: Should we have invaded Iraq?

Cain: yes because we prevented Iran from
attacking our land in Iraq

Gregory: how do you define victory
in Afghanistan?

Cain: our invasion of Afghanistan will be
victory when they can defend themselves
from invasion other countries

Gregory: what is your foreign policy philosophy?

Cain: I’m like Reagan I would be very clear
about putting troops in Lebanon until
I leave in a hurry

Gregory: you would not rely on Wise Men?

Cain: I might!

Gregory: you wrote in your book
"I will not rely on Wise Men"

Cain: In my defense a Wise Man wrote that for me

Gregory: you wrote we need an electrified fence
that will kill people

Cain: that was joke - get a sense of humor!

Gregory: what is your plan for illegal immigration

Cain: Shooting people!

Gregory: How about gay marriage

Cain: I don’t like gay people but people
in Vermont can do whatever the hell they want

Gregory: and abortion?

Cain: no abortions for anyone!

Gregory: not even for rape or incest?

Cain: of course not

Gregory: who’s your favorite Justice?

Cain: Clarence Thomas - he’s quietly brilliant

Gregory: where’s your wife?

Cain: protecting our traditional marriage Fluffy

Gregory: are you the front runner?

Cain: yes because people love my substantive
ideas like higher taxes for the middle class,
cutting social security and putting John Bolton
in charge of our foreign relations

Gregory: do you have enough money?

Cain: if you contribute $9.99 now you get a
bumper sticker in 30 minutes or less

Gregory: thanks for coming Herman

[ break ]

Gregory: Is Herman Cain real?

Todd: if he’s raising a million dollars a
week that’s amazing

Gregory: can he win?

Todd: he’s got a great elevator pitch
but no organization

Kay: I just watched your interview and I
can’t tell what the hell he’s talking about

Gregory: What about Mitt Romney?

Todd: he only has one problem -
no one likes him

Kay: he’s just got to split the conservative base

Gregory: and Rick Perry?

Todd: this race is Rick Perry’s to lose
and he’s losing it

Gregory: what about that guy
Barack Obama?

Kay: he has to remind people that the
GOP crashed the economy

Todd: Obama has to find positive things
to say about Rick Perry

Gregory: damn Obama can’t get a break

Gregory: Is Mitt Romney an untrustworthy
flip flopper?

Jindal: Perry fought to cut taxes in Texas
which was very hard

Gregory: Tim you said Mitt Romney can’t be
the nominee and now you endorse him

Pawlenty: Obama failed to cut the deficit in half!

Gregory: what about Romneycare

Pawlenty: He’s changed his mind -
what more do you want?

Gregory: will he change it again?

Pawlenty: if you want him to - yes!

Gregory: if the GOP primary voters

Jindal: Rick Perry has made the tough decision
to send the national guard after a hurricane

Pawlenty: he can’t debate!

Gregory: Chris Christie thinks Rick Perry is
an inarticulate idiot

Jindal: CEO Magazine has endorsed him!

Jeffers: do we want a good moral person
or do we want Rick Perry?!?!

Pawlenty: Mitt Romney has never had a gay affair!

Jindal: we should not consider religious
in government - just consult the Bible on that

Gregory: thanks for coming

Gregory: save the date for a debate with all
Republican candidates, David Gregory and Facebook

Audience: truly an Algonquin Round table
of the 21st century

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - October 16, 2011

Jonathan Karl
David Axelrod
Ruth Marcus
Laura Tyson
Margaret Brennan
Mary Matalin
George Will
Amanpour: wow Occupy Wall Street has
spread to Rome - the city hasn’t seen
anything like this since the Visigoths

Karl: It’s Herman Cain’s world and
we just live in it

Rick Perry: let’s just drill for oil
all over America

Anita Perry: Americans just
hate Christians

Axelrod: the GOP filibustered
Obama’s Jobs bill

Axelrod: true - so we’ll send it to them
piece by piece

Amanpour: how about the millionaire’s tax?

Axelrod: most non-millionaires seem
to be okay with it

Amanpour: what about Occupy Wall Street?

Axelrod: they’re really protesting
Mitt Romney

Amanpour: But Obama used to
love Wall Street

Axelrod: some of those guys are
very smart

Amanpour: Can the GOP and Democrats
get along?

Axelrod: No

Amanpour: Will Mitt Romney be the nominee?

Axelrod: he will be if the voters want an
unprincipled soulless corporate ghoul

Amanpour: Ok how about Herman Cain?

Axelrod: it would be interesting to
nominate a true crazy person

Amanpour: Rick Perry?

Axelrod: yes let’s put a sleepy disinterested
George Bush cloned oil lobbyist in the White House

Amanpour: so who will be the nominee?

Will: Romney has Versatility of Conviction

Matalin: Barack Obama is the real flip flopper

Amanpour: not Mitt Romney?

Matalin: no he changes his mind which is very positive

Amanpour: that’s not what Obama does?

Matalin: no he’s unprincipled and also a
committed radical liberal

Karl: don’t count out Rick Perry!

Marcus: why don’t people love Mitt -
he’ll be whatever you want!

Amanpour: what about Occupy Wall Street?

Marcus: those unwashed hippies seem to
have struck a populist nerve

Amanpour: are they Republicans or Democrats?

Reporter: they’re anti-corporate

Amanpour: when are they leaving because
I would love to visit the beautiful Zuccotti park

Reporter: they’re never leaving Christiane

Karl: Obama supported the bailouts!

Amanpour: Mary does Rick Perry even
want to be President?

Matalin: sure he feel asleep during the debates
but that doesn’t matter

Will: he’s from Texas where you get elected
by shooting coyotes

Perry: Mitt Romney is a gay-loving
Jimmy Carter clone!

Karl: Romney is not gay as far as I know

Marcus: Perry is an immigrant-loving
Social Security hater

Amanpour: what about Herman Cain?

Marcus: He’s a soufflĂ© - temporary rise
and quick collapse

Amanpour: but deliciously light and fluffy

Brennan: Inside the Wall Street stock exchange
people are frustrated at not having even
more money for their giant risk-free casino

Tyson: Economists say Obama’s Jobs would
create 2 million jobs

Amanpour: but the Republicans won’t vote for it

Tyson: it’s full of their ideas!

Karl: even Mark Zandi doesn’t like it

Tyson: he was John McCain’s top advisor in 2008!

Will: Occupy Wall Street is about to go
mainstream with debt repudiation

Amanpour: wow

Will: that will lead to inflation and therefore
fascism and World War Three

Tyson: American’s don’t have great skills
like creating complex financial instruments

Brennan: we should protest at universities
for not teaching anything useful like
fake AAA tranches

Karl: the Jobs Bill is evil social engineering -
it gives tax credits for hiring veterans

Amanpour: thanks for coming everyone

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Meet The Press - October 9, 2011

Mayor Rahm Emmanuel (D-Chicago)
Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI)
Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL)
Rep. Aaron Schock (R-IL)
Bethany McLean
Mark Halperin

Gregory: wow Occupy Wall Street is growing
all over the world!

Obama: they’re frustrated and they’re right!

Cantor: they’re a dangerous mob!

Gregory: Rahm you are a new Mayor
and the economy sucks

Emmanuel: we’re adding thousands
of jobs

Gregory: but unemployment is still
really high

Emmanuel: we need a new NASA or
Internet for the 21st century

Gregory: so what’s the big idea?

Emmanuel: rebuilding our crumbling bridges

Gregory: but no one wants to do
that Rahm

Emmanuel: [ punches Gregory in the face ]

Gregory: Ow!

Emmanuel: look we need to replace pipes
that are 100 years old

Gregory: god that almost as old as
Andy Rooney

Gregory: Didn’t you and Obama fail to
stimulate the economy?

Emmanuel: [ puts Gregory in a headlock]

now look Fluffy - Obama rescued the U.S.
economy and we are going to fucking
rebuild America

Gregory: ow ow ow

Emmanuel: and we’re importing auto jobs

Gregory: ok ok

Emmanuel: some Republicans wanted the
U.S. auto industry to go bankrupt -
did you know that Fluffy?!

Gregory: but polls say people disapprove
of Obama on the economy

Emmanuel: don’t make me fuck you over David

Gregory: the stimulus wasn’t big enough
and focused on health care reform and
now all hope is lost

Emmanuel: [ stabs Gregory with a fork ]

Gregory: Aaacckk!

Emmanuel: Bush bailed out Wall Street
and Obama passed financial reform!

Gregory: ok ok but Obama is
doomed isn’t he?

Emmanuel: you’re doomed Fluffy!

[ leaps over table, pins Gregory to the floor ]

Gregory: please stop hurting me

Emmanuel: Obama is a leader and is creating
an environment for jobs motherfucker!

Obama: why is Obama demonizing Wall Street?

Emmanuel: Bush gave them $700 billion
you goddamm moron

Gregory: Arrrgghhh

Emmanuel: When banks needed help
America rescued them - and now regular
people need help!

Gregory: please don’t kill me Rahm

[pulls out Glock, points it at Gregory’s head ]
if you can’t hear the frustration among
regular people then you are one
dumb motherfucker Fluffy

Gregory: how can we as a nation carry on
without Steve Jobs?

Emmanuel: Chicago is having a fuckin’
dance festival and it’s going to fucking
rock Fluffy!

Gregory: all right

Emmanuel: I said dance Fluffy! Dance for me
like I’m Karl motherfucking Rove!

Gregory: I’m dancing I’m dancing!

Emmanuel: we’re making schools, cops
and government accountable Greggers!

Gregory: How does Obama get relected?

Emmanuel: people want their fucking
dreams back!

Gregory: I hear you saying Obama will lose

Emmanuel: [ dangles Gregory out the window ]
if you can’t hear the concerns of ordinary
people then get the fuck out of public life!

Gregory: [ upside down ]
and I think we’ll just leave it there

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome President Ryan

Ryan: welcome to the Midwest Fluffy

Gregory: what about the Obama Jobs Bill?

Ryan: he won’t work with us even on
things we agree

Gregory: what do agree on?

Ryan: international trade agreements

Gregory: but he just sent them to you

Ryan: and we will vote on that next week

Gregory: so what are you complaining about?

Ryan: we need to lower corporate tax rates

Gregory: what about stimulating
the economy?

Ryan: we tried that already and it failed

Gregory: but the recession started
under Bush

Ryan: I was talking about Bush!

Gregory: so what’s your problem
with Obama?

Ryan: Obama is creating a ruckus

Gregory: could you describe the ruckus?

Gregory: Biden says the GOP wants to
do nothing

Ryan: not true - we want to work with
the White House on passing all our ideas

Gregory: what about other ideas?

Ryan: stimulus is just sugar high gimmicks

Gregory: aren’t tax cuts also just
sugar high policies?

Ryan: Bush was a big spending liberal!

Gregory: I did not know that

Ryan: Obama wants to tax 80% of all
small businesses at 50%!

Gregory: Austerity alone do not seem to be enough

Ryan: Bush spent trillions in stimulus!

Gregory: what is the answer?

Ryan: Certainty!

Gregory: “Hope and No Change”

Ryan: right!

Gregory: Herman Cain said “Blame Yourself”
- is that the GOP message?

Ryan: no we must do more to help rich
people get more rich so more people will
want to get more rich

Gregory: fascinating

Ryan: we can also go after rich people by
getting rid of Medicare

Gregory: interesting idea

Ryan: Obama is playing to fear -
the GOP would never do that

Gregory: But is ‘blame yourself’ divisive?

Ryan: we should not pit people against
each other - we should all get along and
give more things to rich people

[ break ]

Gregory: Can Obama work with Congress?

Biden: Look we can work with John Boehner
and Eric Cantor but the Tea Party shot them down

Gregory: I see

Biden: we need a strong Republican party
but they are disorganized and spend most
of their time fighting each other

Gregory: as a Democrat I’m sure you
can appreciate that

Biden: indeed

Gregory: If the GOP are inept can
they beat you?

Biden: sure we can be beaten - but I am
counting on the good judgment of
the American people

Gregory: good luck with that

[ break ]

Gregory: are you a do-nothing Congress?

Aaron Schock: we are not a do-nothing Congress
- the House GOP even wrote our very own budget!

Gutierrez: the Tea Party wants to burn
the House down!

Gregory: the race is between Romney,
Perry and Cain

Halperin: It’s always been between
Romney and NotRomney

Gregory: can NotRomney win?

Halperin: when the nation gets to know
Rick Perry’s life story people will love him

Gregory: why is Cain surging?

Halperin: there is a huge hunger for
someone really crazy and Cain fills that void

Gregory: What about Occupy Wall Street?

McLean: people say OWS is disorganized
but then so is Washington DC

Gregory: banks are greedy - who knew?

McLean: we need to talk about reforming
the entire financial system

Gregory: why are they demonizing Wall Street?

Gutierrez: Hey Fluffy - they got $700 billion
in tax money and in response they charge
you $5 to get access to your own money

Schock: the GOP has heard the concerns
of Occupy Wall Street and is responding
by attacking the EPA

Halperin: Obama needs to be nicer
to the big banks

Gregory: Some some say Mitt Romney
is in a cult

Halperin: only people who speak for Rick Perry

Gregory: why can’t the GOP choose a nominee?

Schock: hey Fluffy it’s only October -
We have plenty of time to settle on
lunatic to lose to Obama

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - October 9, 2011

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-MD)
Jesse LaGreca
Jonathan Karl
Donna Brazile
George Will
Matthew Dowd
Peggy Noonan

Amanpour: wow those kids at
Occupy Wall Street appear not to like
corporate greed and unemployment

Reporter: these sleepy peaceful
protestors are a grave threat

Amanpour: clearly

Karl: this looks likes a growing
national protest movement but the
GOP says it’s a dangerous mob

Cain: if you don’t have a job blame yourself!

Karl: Herman Cain will probably be
the next President

Obama: I’m the underdog!

Hank Williams Jr: Just like Hitler!

Amanpour: George Obama said some Americans
aren’t better off than they were four years ago

Will: not true - Republicans are

Dowd: Obama is beleaguered

Noonan: Obama is talking into a void

Amanpour: it’s like having a conversation with you

Brazile: he’s no underdog dammit

Dowd: if the GOP blocks Obama’s jobs bill
the public will blame Obama

Brazile: so you say white man

Amanpour: Why won’t Blue Dog Senate
Democrats pass Obama’s Jobs bill?

Pelosi: because they’re dipshits Christiane

Amanpour: so what’s the answer?

Pelosi: go directly to the people

Amanpour: do you like the new combative Obama?

Pelosi: he’s fighting - I love it!

Amanpour: is it enough?

Pelosi: you gotta go out there and talk
about kitchen table concerns - it’s a fight!

Amanpour: ok so you’re fighting

Pelosi: we’ll let the American people decide!

Amanpour: People disapprove of Congress

Pelosi: well so do I!

Amanpour: what do you think of
Occupy Wall Street?

Pelosi: they’re right - we need change!

Amanpour: Paul Ryan says they are a mob
and Americans should never be pitted against
each other except for gays muslims women and not-rich people

Pelosi: he’s and idiot and hypocrite

Amanpour: I see

Pelosi: Hell even Ronald Reagan talked about income and wealth inequality

Amanpour: yeah but he was a well-known socialist

[ break ]

Amanpour: Holy crap Occupy Wall Street is taking over America!

Amanpour: is this like the Tea Party?

Will: the Tea Party is the bourgeoisie

Amanpour: yes I believe that’s their slogan

Will: I love Occupy Wall Street

Amanpour: why is that?

Will: those dirty hippies are going to give
the GOP the White House for 20 years

Braxile: that’s crazy - they have legitimate complaints and everyone knows it!

Noonan: Wall Street tanked America and paid no price so they may have a point

Amanpour: interesting Peggy

Noonan: but the Tea Party were mature -
not like these childish bongo drummers

Dowd: Wall Street is not the GOP base!

Amanpour: it’s not?

Dowd: no it’s poor people outraged about
high taxes on the rich

LaGreca: Politicians and the media represent
the wealthiest 1%

Amanpour: not fair - we sometimes have
non-billionaires on the show

LaGreca: well ok then

Amanpour: what will it take for us to go
back to ignoring you

LaGreca: Social Justice

Amanpour: oh dear

Will: Jesse if the government is corrupt
shouldn’t we just get rid of all government?

LaGreca: no because we live in a democracy

Amanpour: will this movement grow?

LaGreca: yes because it’s about giving
people a voice

Brazile: this is a real legitimate
political movement!

Amanpour: people are selling their
blood just to survive

Noonan: yes - so is Occupy Wall Street hurt
poor people by blocking the Brooklyn Bridge
or will they take a shower and get stuff done??

Amanpour: Yes please Jesse tell us all your plan
for rescuing America’s economy

LaGreca: I think it’s funny that people now
want Occupy Wall Street to solve all
of America’s problems

Amanpour: well you certainly don’t expect
us to do it do you?

LaGreca: No I don't

Amanpour: Thanks for coming everyone

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Meet The Press - October 2, 2011

Gov. Bob McDonnell (R-VA)
Gov. Deval Patrick (D-MA)
Rep. Xavier Becerra (D-CA)
E.J. Dionne
Mike Murphy
Peggy Noonan
Gregory: wow Obama killed Al-Awlaki
and defended gay soldiers

Audience: badass

Perry: send U.S. troops to Mexico!

Gregory: oh and some hippies were
arrested in New York

Gregory: how does Obama win an election
with this economy?

Patrick: he says Government is there to
help people help themselves

Gregory: I see

Patrick: or how about this - Obama is on your side!

Gregory: Bob - I see Obama is starting
to call out Republicans

McDonnell: The election is about Jobs,
Debt and Kenya

Gregory: is that was the GOP debates
have been about?

McDonnell: not exactly

Gregory: The Wall Street Journal surveyed
CEOs and they’re not happy

Patrick: In Massachusetts we’re creating jobs
by investing in the future

Gregory: what about Obama’s jobs bill?

Patrick: it would help America which is
why it won’t happen

McDonnell: Obama is blaming the Tea Party
just because they wanted to default on our debts

Gregory: that’s too bad

McDonnell: Also Obama hates America

Patrick: where do you get off attacking
his patriotism?

McDonnell: Dodd-Frank caused the recession
which proves Obama doesn’t believe in the
good old U S of A

Gregory: you oppose Obamacare

McDonnell: this is going to be a campaign issue
because Americans don’t want health insurance

Patrick: in my experience a lot of people
like health care

Gregory: Chris Christie says we shouldn’t
demonize the rich by raising their taxes by 5%

McDonnell: people are begging Christie to run
because they are sure the GOP will take the
White House in 2012

Gregory: that makes no sense

Patrick: he won’t run because he doesn’t want
to lose to Obama

Gregory: Can Obama carry Virginia?

McDonnell: Virginia is a shining city on a hill that
gets gobs and gobs of federal money

Gregory: what about the Red Sox

Patrick: I haven’t see a collapse this bad since
Bachmann won the Iowa straw poll

[ break ]

Gregory: Christie said he would commit suicide
rather than seek the Republican nomination
for President

Murphy: that sounds about right

Noonan: the GOP base is primal

Dionne: the base keeps attacking its own candidates

Gregory: So the question about these candidates
is - Screw, Marry or Kill?

Becerra: whether to commit suicide is one
of the biggest decisions our candidates can make

Murphy: the GOP is drunk right now but they
will sober up and vote sensibly for Romney

Noonan: we can lose America in the next
three years if we don’t elect a true psychotic

Dionne: I believe we as a nation can pull this off

Becerra: you don’t want to lose Latino voters
believe me

Gregory: there are a lot of Hispanic voters
aren’t there?

Murphy: If Romney moves to Perry’s right on
immigration it’s going to hurt him against Obama

Becerra: the GOP is screwed with Latinos

Murphy: But Obama is screwed with the economy

Palin: there mere Presidency would shackle
my messaging

Dionne: she belongs on another planet

Gregory: She’s a kingmaker isn’t she?

Noonan: No Fluffy she’s a very cunning grifter

Murphy: Don’t underestimate Rick Perry

Gregory: can Obama win?

Dionne: he’s reached agreements with the GOP
and now he’s finally gone to the people with
what he believes

Gregory: Is Obama a fighter?

Becerra: Yes He Could - if the GOP
Wouldn’t Stop Us

Dionne: Bob McDonnell blamed Obama for not
making the Tea Party see reason

Noonan: a true leader would make Republicans
not act crazy

Murphy: he drove the GOP away by running as a
socialist by enacting a GOP health care reform law

Becerra: the Jobs Bill is full of Republican ideas!

Noonan: so Democrats won’t vote for it!
What a failed leader!

Gregory: what’s the deal with Occupy Wall Street

Dionne: Finally! An organized Left!

Gregory: Peggy you have to give Obama credit
for getting a deal with Boehner

Noonan: [ mixing cocktail ] sorry what?

Gregory: anyone have a problem with Obama using
a drone to kill an American?

Becerra: would rather he pushed him out a window?

Murphy: the Florida primary could decide
the nominee

Gregory: Let’s talk about Chris Christie some more

Murphy: why the hell not [ takes drink from Noonan ]

Gregory: Is Congress shut down for the next year?

Becerra: not at all - we plan on working almost
100 days next year

Gregory: Perry wants to invade Mexico

Noonan: I’ll drink to that

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - October 2, 2011

October 2, 2011
Herman Cain - Fmr CEO Godfather’s Pizza
Jonathan Karl
George Will
Jake Tapper
Nicolle Wallace - GOP Strategist
Mark Penn - Democratic strategist
Matt Katz Philadelphia Enquirer

Amanpour: wow 700 people were arrested
protesting Wall Street and Obama loves
gay soldiers

Audience: oooh

Karl: the most electrifying event of the 2012
campaign is the effort to drag Chris Christie
into the race

Audience: that is exciting

Perry: if you are against illegal immigrants
you are heartless

Christie: screw the illegal kids

Perry: Chris is right - what as I thinking

Romney: you bet I flip-flop just like
Winston Churchill - first he was against
Hitler and then he was against communism

Palin: the Presidency would shackle me

Amanpour: Herman how did you get people
inside your head

Cain: People are looking for an uninformed
funny wacko

Amanpour: why didn’t you react when people
booed the gay soldier

Cain: no no they were saying “oooooh”
to his huge biceps

Amanpour: I see

Cain: at the moment I was not focused
on soldiers I was thinking about the weird
shit Rick Perry was saying

Amanpour: Obama said we shouldn’t
boo soldiers

Cain: maybe but Obama put a bulls-eye
on our soldiers backs so they could get
shot by Dick Cheney

Amanpour: Do you think Rick Perry is a racist?

Cain: He’s insensitive and also a dumbass

Amanpour: Do you think African Americans
are easily brainwashed?

Cain: oh absolutely

Amanpour: maybe they just don’t
like Republicans

Cain: it would greatly benefit blacks to cut
taxes for the rich and raise sales taxes
on everyone

Amanpour: really?

Cain: it’s math!

Amanpour: Chris Christie worrying about
the threat of Sharia law is crap and crazy

Cain: well then call me crazy

Amanpour: you’re crazy

Cain: Maybe but I alone will stand
against Sharia law

Amanpour: Should Chris Christie run
for President?

Cain: let me quote Bob Barker

Amanpour: Ok

Cain: Spay and Neuter your candidates!

Amanpour: thanks for coming Herman

[ break ]

Amanpour: why is Herman Cain so
darn popular?

Will: the Tea Party has gone from
Bachmann to Perry to Cain

Amanpour: I see

Will: also people just don’t like Mitt Romney

Wallace: Cain is on fire which is scary
to the GOP powers

Amanpour: what about Perry’s racist rock?

Tapper: this could be a problem in the suburbs
who already think Perry is a loon

Penn: Cain attacked Perry! It’s over!

Amanpour: Is Chris Christie going to run?

Will: the media just love assholes

Wallace: GOP primary voters are like
dysfunctional daters - you pine for the ones
you can’t have

Tapper: Christie is a bad prom date because
he’s soft on guns and Muslim law

Will: He’s not running you idiots!

Amanpour: is he running?

Katz: No!

Amanpour: let’s just say he’s running

Penn: yes let’s!

Will: the vote is in 100 days

Amanpour: Is he Christie too fat to run
for President?

Katz: no the American people can relate to
someone overweight

Tapper: He’s unhealthy! Look at him!

Amanpour: Mitt Romney looks like a President

Wallace: yes but we need someone who can
articulate eliminating Social Security and
Romney is not that man

Will: Romney is very competent and the GOP
doesn’t want someone like that

Amanpour: Thanks for coming everyone