Sunday, December 21, 2008

Meet the Press - December 21, 2008

Host: David Gregory
Sec. of State Condi Rice
Andrea Mitchell
Erin Burnett
Michelle Norris
Gregory: Holy shit Bush said he wanted to be humble and not arrogant!! Were you out of your fucking minds??

Rice: well who among us has not completely fucked everything up for seven straight years??

Gregory: um are you serious?

Rice: people who say Africans and Arabs aren't capable of democracy or don't deserve rights are arrogant

Gregory: who are those people

Rice: the live in a box under my bed

Gregory: so to fight their arrogance we must bomb and torture innocent people

Rice: exactly

Gregory: Holy shit Bush said he wanted to be humble and not arrogant!! Were you out of your fucking minds??

Rice: well who among us has not completely fucked everything up for seven straight years??

Gregory: um are you serious?

Rice: people who say Africans and Arabs aren't capable of democracy or don't deserve rights are arrogant

Gregory: who are those people

Rice: the live in a box under my bed

Gregory: so to fight their arrogance we must bomb and torture innocent people

Rice: exactly

Gregory: you foreign policy sucked

Rice: well it's hard its not easy like being the best ice skater in Alabama

Gregory: any regrets

Rice: didn't stop genocide in Sudan

Gregory: so why didn't we do it?

Rice: well Bush thought about it?

Gregory: when?

Rice: on the 17th hole at Pebble Beach

Rice: hey we tried to stop genocide but we can't do much after all we're not members of the international criminal court

Gregory: because Bush refused to join

Rice: oh well sure

Gregory: so first Rwanda and now Darfur

Rice: yeah but we stopped Saddam's genocide in Iraq

Gregory: when was that?

Rice: in 1986

Gregory: when Rumsfeld shook his hand

Rice: never heard of him

Gregory: Iraqis are throwing shoes at Bush

Rice: yeah but Bush was standing next to our puppet regime!

Gregory: you say you are proud of screwing up in Iraq and would do 1,000 times over

Rice: oh well you have to take the long view the 9/11 hijackers came from there

Gregory: no they didn't

Rice: forget it i'm rolling

Gregory: ok

Rice: hey they're friends with Kuwait and Egypt now

Gregory: Egypt where Al Qaeda is from

Rice: exactly

Gregory: the President demanded optimism

Rice: that's true but it was fun we were all like mary tyler moore in Ordinary People

Gregory: tight lipped forced cheefulness

Rice: right we must never give in to pessimism and hand wringing

Gregory: is that why Laura looks like that?

Rice: I don't know about their family issues

Gergory: It sounds like a psychological mess

Rice: yeah but in 50 years things might get better

Gergory: what guidance did Bush tell you when Iraq was a total disaster?

Rice: he said he believed in freedom

Gergory: so he's just a moronic child

Rice: you have no idea

Gergory: now that I have one last chance to interview Condi Rice - let me bash the the Clintons

Rice: hee hee hee

Gregory: let's play hopscotch

Rice: i was alabama state hopscotch champion

Gregory: of course

Gergory: now that I have one last chance to interview Condi Rice - let me bash the the Clintons

Rice: hee hee hee

Gregory: let's play hopscotch

Rice: i was alabama state hopscotch champion

Gregory: of course

Gregory: how can you trust the north koreans

Rice: hey we were very resolute for 5 years

Gregory: then they built a bomb

Rice: no it was a crude nuclear device

Rice: we tested the korean soil

Gregory: ok ok you failed to stop Iran from building a bomb as well

Rice: no we were proved fucking right after all we sounded the nuclear bomb alarm and no one believed us

Gregory: and Iran now has influence in Iraq

Rice: yes but they failed to rule Iraq so that proves we won

Gregory: Obama won!

Rice: yes it says something about slavery as America's birth defect

Gregory: were you rooting for Obama

Rice: of course he's light years better than McCain

Gregory: what's next for you

Rice: I'm going to relive the glory days of 9/11 and talk about our lack of innocence and our need to invade other countries and torture people

Gregory: I'm sure your book will further that endeavor

Rice: I want to talk about how anyone can grow up to a disastous secretary of state if they are willing to tell drunken white privileged frat boys whatever they want to hear about how their dicks are bigger than some arab strong man

Gregory: well thanks very much for coming Condi it's been quite a ride

Rice: [ sobs ]

Gregory: car bailout?

Burnett: Republicans found a solution - kill unions - Obama should also take on unions to prove is independence

Norris: Obama has this crazy plan to build roads an schools and hospitals

Gregory: whacky!

Norris: Obama will have a lot of power for a liberals who hates economics

Gregory: can we incentivize the plan going forward?

Burnett: the core problem is we must reinflate the bubble!

Gregory: Blago says he is guilty... guilty of being adorable!!!

Marin: he's the son of a steelworker and quotes Kipling and he believes this shit

Gregory: wow

Marin: it's on baby -- Fitz vs. Blago!

Mitchell: this is crazy Illinois can't have a senator as long as Fitz is going after Blago

Gergory: so Balgo should appoint Fitz to the Senate

Mitchell: brilliant!

Marin: Daley said Blago should appoint Daley

Gregory: brilliant!

Marin: this is a 76 page charge he's screwed

Gregory: how fucked is Obama

Norris: it's tough he's innnocent because Obama told the truth but people didn't hear it

Gregory: because the american people have a hearing problem

Norris: right the media like dogs cannot hear high pitched sounds or the truth

Marin: the new standard is Obama must rush to the police any negotiations with Blago

Gregory: Caroline Kennedy ate at motherfuckin' Sylvia's!

Mitchell: fuck!

Gregory: she couldn't answer if Israel should negotiate with Hamas!

Mitchell: she won't support a non-existent democratic mayor for new york!

Gregory: wow!

Mitchell: don't fuck with Andrew Cuomo!

Gregory: let my quote Charles Manson and Krauthammer

Burnett: yeah but democrats Corzine and Bloomberg bought their senate seats!

Mitchell: what the fuck is Krauthammer's problem?? - it's an appointment!!

Gregory: Bloomberg says it's aristocratic

Mitchell: the billionaire who wants a third term???

Gregory: look at bernie madoff - if you can't trust a white man who can you trust??

Burnett: no one!

Gregory: John McCain was right Chris Cox should be fired!

Mitchell: all hail John McCain - but Bill Clinton is also to blame

Gregory: Obama's cabinet has not radical muslims!

Marin: it's too bad

Norris: a lot Westerners

Mitchell: it's fucking brainpowered meritocracy

Gregory: best and brightest

Burnett: it's all about jobs and labor - he's got fuck over the unions

Gregory: wow!

The Chris Matthews Show - December 20, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
December 21, 2008
Matthews: OMG Obama is trying to control his press coverage!

Heileman: they're leak hunting and he media love them for it!

Cooper: they're tardy and tight lipped!

Tweety: wow

Cooper: they're cheating by speaking to the unamerican people

Matthews: in 4 months the media will turn on Obama - i got the memo from Mark Halperin

Klein: yeah i got that one too

Klein: Obama is a bad guy cause he wants to talk about issues and not irrelevant shit

Matthew: ha! we found his weak spot!

Kay: the media turned on Bush just because thousands of americans died

Matthews: when should we be combative and when should we fellate presidents?

Cooper: why not hold them accountable all the time?

Matthew: i thought maybe it was be nice to republicans and mean to democrats

Klein: no we need to be confrontational about stuff that matters

Matthews: that's crazy

Heileman: people hate the media and love bloggers

Tweety: oh noes!

Kay: Obama is sleazy cause we can trust his press secretary

Klein: Obama doesn't need us

Tweety: demit

Tweety: OMG this reporter DID have a follow-up!

[ multiple shoe throwing ]

Tweety: take that dan rather and brit hume! ha!

Matthews: Caroline Kennedy!

Klein: Hillary is a wonk!

Heileman: She's shy and she's in Obamamania!

Matthews: we must reduce all politicians to empty cliches!

Cooper: you guys are all idiots

[ everyone interrupts shouting ]

Matthews: let's face it it's all about war and peace

Kay: well then hillary was wrong

Klein: she's an amateur and i hate her and she's a girl

Kay: she's lame

Matthews: maybe we should consider that helen cooper is right and we are all idiots

Heileman: me no think like that

Klein: is gud kwestun

Kay: I'm hearing rumors that the ruling Arab families prefer Republicans

Twety: wow!

Klein: Me no like UN in Afghanistan

Cooper: Obama can't find a CIA director because the liberal bloggers hate anyone tainted by torture

Matthews: there are liberal blogger spies

Heileman: liberals like Solis and green shit

Matthews: those crazy liberals!

Tweety: OMG Obama is going to be tested by a fake international crisis!

Kay: i predict we won't be able to predict it!

Klein: Dood the crisis is the financial crisis

Cooper: Obama is studying a world map and calling general and reading Ghost Wars

Tweety: he's renting Ghostbusters?

Heileman: Obama has ice in his veins and the dude is fucking ready

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Meet the Press - December 14, 2008

Meet the Press
December 14, 2008
Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan
Illinois Lt. Gov. Pat Quinn
Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm
Former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney
Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina
Wal-Mart President & CEO Lee Scott
Google CEO Eric Schmidt


Gregory: Will Balgo quit?

Madigan: either that or commit self defenestration

Gregory: the guy needs money

Quinn: as the lt. governor i hope he quits

Gregory: how objective of you

Gregory: but you're hardly objective

Madigan: fuck you

Gregory: but you want to be senator!

Madigan: watch it Gregory i have recordings of you too

Gregory: like what?

Madigan: you dancing with Karl Rove

Gregory: what knd of guy is Blago is like a good bad guy

Quinn: he's like a blundering crook in a ripoff of Pulp Fiction or Bottle Rocket

Gregory: interesting

Quinn: i like democracy but hey

Gregory: special election

Madigan: we are America's Taint

Gregory: OMG Rahm once had contacts with the Governor of his home state!!!

Todd: um so fucking what

Gregory: it's a huge scandal!

Todd: could be

Mitchell: it's huge!!!

Gregory: how is this a scandal?

Mitchell: because Rahm didn't have Jesse Jackson on his list

Gregory: holy shit!!

Todd: let's gossip more

Mitchell: pay to play is part of life

Gregory: like chuck schumer!

Todd: what's his crime then

Mitchell: he got caught

Gregory: does this ever happen in Washington?

Todd: yes chuck schumer!!!

Gregory: we won in Iraq just as Bush is leaving!

Todd: it's exciting

Gregory: People love Obama!

Todd: that was before Obama appoint Blago Secretary of Stealing

Gregory: why did the bailout fail?

Granholm: because Republicans hate working people

David: why else?

Granholm: the GOP hates America

Romney: Frankly we want all those companies to thrive

David: and how do we do that

Mitt: kill all those unions

Romney: even liberals like Jack Welch is against the bailout!

David: well I'm sold

Granholm: other countries subisidize health care you idiot

Mitt: not here they don't

Granholm: liar

Mitt: Legacy costs!

David: what are those?

Mitt: Elderly people eating Fancy Feast instead of Friskies

Gregory: isn't the real problem that American cars suck?

Walmart Guy: people are buying frozen food at Sam's Club

David: the Economy is in Total Suck Mode

Fiorina: oh pshaw its just a deepening recession

David: oh ok

Carly: the problem is rich unions ignoring the little guy

Gregory: explain the economy to me Mitt

Romney: Bush has lost 11 trillion dollars

Gregory: where did it go?

Romney: China and Saudi Arabia

Gregory: what's answer?

Romney: cut taxes and raise government spending

Gregory: but you are a conservative!

Romney: yes i hate it but i support military spending which at least will not help poor people

Walmart Guy: more Americans are drinking heavily, taking drugs and eating leftovers

Gregory: and that's just the Bush family

Google guy: America has sunshine!

Gregory: what are people looking for on the Internet?

Google CEO: people are searching for "discounts" "saving money" and "fuck george w bush"

Granholm: let the dirt fly!

Carly: business taxes are too high!

Gregory: wow let me put on my serious monkey face

Gregory: Should the government insure the value of overpriced McMansions??

Walmart Guy: um okay

Granholm: we should retrain auto workers to weatherize houses and empty bedpans

Gregory: awesome

Romney: Fuck George Bush what is waiting for??

Greory: uh i thought you like him

Romney: no we need to jump start the economy! Now!

Google Guy: i would rather live in a Depression in the US than well in Europe

Gregory: job security and gelato - who needs it??

Walmart Guy: that's right - this is no time to be self-serving -- that's why we reached out to Obama and pushed for tax cuts for businesses

Gregory: what do you want for xmas?

Granholm: an auto bailout, access to credit, consumer confidence and an Easy Bake Oven

Fiorina: consumer credit, banks lending to auto companies and a malibu barbie

Google dude: solar energy and a GI Joe

Romney: economic stimulus and an air rifle

Walmart Guy: Wal Mart moms spending more on crappy stuff and a tonka truck

The Chris Matthews Show - December 14, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
December 14, 2008

Matthews: OMG LBJ was just the man to happify a gloomy nation!!

Robinson: ha!

Matthews: people love Obama!!!

Mitchell: what's not to like!?!

Robinson: fuck the haters

Ceci C: what is Obama hiding?

Tweety: yeah!

Ceci: why hasn't Obama made peace between India and Pakistan

Sullly: oh yeah the tapes exonerate him never mind that Ceci

Ceci: but but but we are talking about it ergo Obama is a bad man!

Mitchell: yes Obama is a bad man because he is from Illinois!

Matthews: why does the Left hate Obama???

Sullly: he's not gay enough

Matthews: the Left!

Sullly: the Left hates torture

Matthews: give me an example

Sullly: your tv show

Ceci CCC: there are signs that Obama is not naive green or wet behind the ears

Mitchell: Teddy K and Daschle are trying to save their legacy

Sullly: just shovel it all at the right make them eat shit

Tweety: he reallly is a Kenyan Centrist

Mitchell: Republicans are buying into bailouts - they have really changed

Sullly: no they were always hypocrites Andrea

Tweety: that's true

Ceci: the real GOP hates deficits

Robinson: yes both Republicans left in America feel that way

Sully: Rush Limbaugh will obstruct efforts to crush Oxy

Matthews: how can we make fun of Obama ??

Robinson: he's black, he's cool, and he's awesome

Tweety: can he be funnny

Sullly: he's to dull

Tweety: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Sully: he's not flawed enough

Mitchell: he won't sleep with me

Sullly: that's just good taste

Robinson: don't worry he will stumble

Tweety: i hope so!

Ceci: Rove will lead the fight against Holder

Matthews: wow

Robinson: Obama can't decide whether to swear in on a Koran or not

Mitchell: US will send Jonny Depp to get Pirates!! Arrrr!!!

Sullly: Obama will set up a Truth Commission to investigate torture

Tweety: in the Justice Dept ??

Sully: no in public you idiot

Matthews: OMG I love Dinah Shore

Robinson: i love the Jersey Shore

Ceci: i like hybrids

Matthews: like Obama

Gene: my little red corvette

Mitchell: i had a corvair

Tweety: no wonder Nader hates you

Andrea: no that's because i wouldn't sleep with him

Sullly: gay people are not allowed to drive in america

Tweety: '57 Chevy!

Monday, December 08, 2008

Meet the Press - December 7, 2008

December 7, 2008
President-Elect Barack Obama
David Gregory

Brokaw: Welcome Obama -- now tell us what really unpopular things are you going to have to do??

Obama: I'm going to do not just short term fun things but long term boring shit like bridges and repaving roads and medical records on your iPod

Brokaw: warp speed!

Obama: photon topedoes!

Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??

Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed

Tom: orsome

Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!

Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail

Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time

Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??

Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed

Tom: orsome

Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!

Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail

Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time

Brokaw: but pointing fingers is fun!

Obama: i have a crazy idea - maybe they can make a fuel efficient car people actually want

Brokaw: Should Jack Welch be out Car Czar?

Obama: let me answer the question this way -- Tom that is so fucking stupid only you could ask it

Brokaw: help me out here - what else can we do but put a White Man in Charge??

Obama: Tom look I like white dudes - my grandfather was a white man - but haven't white guys stolen enough tax money for one generation??

Tom: What about the current management in Detroit?

Obama: Dumbest bunch of white guys north of 14th street

Obama: I'm hoping to introduce a new ethic in businenss where the first priority is not steal everything not nailed down

Brokaw: how about taxing gasoline - get money and promote better behavior?

Obama: good idea but people have lost their jobs so it's not like the worker is whopping it up big time right now

Brokaw: but lazy americans!

Obama: should change their light bulbs

Brokaw: Mortgages!

Obama: I'm disappointed that Stupid isn't doing anything on this issue

Brokaw: he's busy doing interviews saying he's sad Sadddam Hussein attacked Pearl Harbor

Obama: well anyway I think we need to get banks and homeowners together and admit they both fucked up

Brokaw: did you call Stupid and tell him you are mad at him?

Obama: i tried but I called during "Heroes" and he hung up on me

Brokaw: what about all Americans trying to get a piece of the bailout pie

Obama: sure but first we have to put out the housing fire and reinflate the bubble!

Brokaw: so from now on no more misbehavior

Obama: right party is over - starting after the bailout

Brokaw: Please tell me you are not really going to raise taxes on middle class people making $200,000 year

Obama: i was going to cut taxes

Brokaw: that's not what i heard

Obama: i want to go to the tax rates of the '90s

Brokaw: the 1890s??

Obama: no Tom

Brokaw: dammit

Brokaw: you are engaging in class warfare

Obama: so who doens't love war

Brokaw: good point

Obama: poor people make less as America grows rich

Brokaw: Biden said paying taxes is patriotic - he can't mean that

Obama: hey it turns out greed and stealing isn't good for anyone

Brokaw: but it sure is fun!

Obama: Usury isn't really profitable

Brokaw: well that's a damm shame

Brokaw: is India in hot pursuit?

Obama: there are spicy terrorist across the border

Brokaw: kill kill!

Obama: i want to a foresighted three dimension foreign policy

Brokaw: ok dood - how many civillians are going to kill?

Obama: I'm going to write a number on this piece of paper and slip it over to you...

Brokaw: Will you appoint a Curry Czar?

Obama: well Hilllary and Susan and Joe and Jim and I don't need any help thanks

Brokaw: will you disppoint liberals by staying in Iraq please

Obama: I will wait until i am sworn in and then start to design a plan will haeve in it the beginning of a possibility of an eventual draw-down

Brokaw: ok um what

Obama: create a mechanism of ensuring that terrorism will not occur while refocusing on Afghanistan...

Brokaw: how do we win in Afghanistan

Obama: fight better battles and make peace between India and Pakistan and also make Afghanistan a nice place to live

Brokaw: oh is that all

Obama: dude only defeatists say it can't be done

Brokaw: but the killing!

Obama: we'll kill Osama

Brokaw: But we should stay forever!

Obama: oh wow you really are dumb

Brokaw: but we're white and we're here to help

Obama: uh-huh

Brokaw: Iraq Residual Force - 50,000??

Obama: Could be

Brokaw: how many

Obama: we'll leave a force of 20,000 ferrets

Brokaw: oh noes

Brokaw: will you meet with Iran?

Obama: yes but they are unacceptable so we will send them carrots and sticks

Brokaw: Iran is so mean!

Obama: sure but we have to be sensible and use our allies so dudes we can do this the easy way or the hard way

Brokaw: Russia

Obama: they are like Alaska - oil money has made the leaders there fucking crazy

Brokaw: Caroline Kennedy in the Senate?

Obama: you think I want to get involved in NY politics? Momma didn't raise no fool Tom

Brokaw: but it's fun

Obama: hey i like competent people

Brokaw: well you are different

Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs

Tom: Holy Shit the Hawaii Axis has begun

Obama: he covered up my birth certificate so he deserves it

Tom: but he said we would need 500,000 troops in Iraq

Obama: And he was proved fucking right

Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs

Tom: what kind of artists will you have in white house?

Obama: for a change i will celebrate science and jazz and learning and culture and poetry

Tom: motherfucker do you hate America??

Tom: have you stopped smoking

Obama: yes but i have fallen off the wagon

Tom: like when

Obama: right after this interview i'm going to get high

Tom: holy shit

Obama: suck it Tom - I'm the motherfucking President

Tom: Dancin Dave you have taking over a national institution

Gregroy: for the last few months we've had a normal person at Meet The Press - thank god our national nightmare is over

Tom: it's important for the whole nation to have a suck up dancing fool hosting this show

Gregory: you had relatively few stupid gotcha questions for Obama i was disappointed

Tom: well I'm new

David: this is a national treasure so we must ask idiotic questions and preen about how wonderful we are

Tom: try to write at least one book about how your father raised a terrific son

David: oh sure

Tom: well good luck I'm off to Montana

David: bye bye old man

Tom: warble warble

Gregroy: [ sniff ]

I'm miss that speech-impedified old doofus

The Chris Matthews Show - December 7, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
December 7, 2008

Matthews: OMG my 401k is in the hands of a black man!!

Heileman: The Man is fucking amazing and we all agree America is fucked

Mitchell: The Man is competent and can speak well

Matthews: we we wanted change and we're getting it

Kernan: Wall Street of course hates the liberal black man who wants to raise taxes but we have no choice but to back this guy - Jack Welch is a fucking socialist

Kernan: we need the B-52s to stimulate us

Tweety: Love Shack!

Parker: i love the way Obama challenged the people and calloused our hands

Kernan: We have to spend a quadrillion dollars!!

Heileman: all we have to do is fix teh economy, war, health care, and energy

Tweety: oh is that all

Tweety: how will we pay for all this

Mitchell: obama will just tap into his internet fundraisers

Kernan: liberal bloggers will save us all

Tweety: Magic Bloggers!

Heileman: the housing crisis is everyone's fault because I bought a big apartment on 75th street but Detroit is bad!

Parker: their cars fucking suck

Tweety: when does Obama's failed presidency begin?

Parker: one year

Kernan: there won't be one - The Man is going to succeed

Mitchell: 9-12 months

Tweety: when does he fail??? When does Obama expire like a milk carton. When does Obama lose his new car smell??

Heileman: six months

Tweety: OMG let's make fun of Joe Biden!!!

Parker: ha!

Mitchell: ha ha

Heileman: hee hee hee

Tweety: OMG Hillary Clinton is back in the news!!!

Matthews: who will sleep with Obama - Biden or Clinton??

Mitchell: Jim Jones - he's better looking!

Heileman: Biden turned down Sec of State and he chose Hillary!

Matthews: but that destroys my whole theory!!

Parker: well Tweety you are an idiot

Tweety: ha!

Mitchell: he's known for his domestic policy not foreign policy anyway

Matthews: you blew my mind!

Parker: hispanics want more latinos!

Kernan: Turkey's can't fly!

Mitchell: Paterson is going to appoint Caroline Kennedy!

Heileman: david brooks says Obama is finally going to a appoint a non-liberal at Education!

Tweety: wow!

Tweety: OMG what about Bill Clinton!!

Parker: he should have low key affairs

Kernan: Hillary's svengolly

Mitchell: He's now locked into the Obama legacy

Heileman: he feels guilty about not helping Hillary and so he will reach out to the black community by playing golf at restricted country clubs

Tweety: blacks only!?!?