Sunday, January 29, 2012

Meet the Press - January 29, 2012

Sen. John McCain
Fred Thompson
David Axelrod
Joe Scarborough
Doris Kearns Goodwin
Gregory: so Florida is voting in a few days

Todd: Romney leads Gingrich in every
category except “too crazy to be
our nominee”

Gregory: greetings gentlemen

McCain: hi Fluffy

Thompson: whuh?

Gregory: hey Newt is losing Florida

McCain: yes I noticed

Thompson: yes but Newt won in South
Carolina except for smart people

Gregory: the Establishment is terrified
of Newt as the GOP nominee

Thompson: that’s only because people
who know him hate his guts

Gregory: I see

Thompson: Newt passed welfare reform
then he went insane

McCain: Newt shut down the government
- also he’s corrupt

Gregory: he is?

McCain: ever heard of the K Street Project Fluffy?

Gregory: no

McCain: he called Ronald Reagan a failure!

Thompson: haarrruumph

McCain: Citizens United was an outrage and
Gingrich is being funded by
a Chinese casino operator

Thompson: Mitt Romney is rich which
is very bad!

McCain: Fred you washed up
Hollywood jackass

Thompson: George Soros spends money!

Gregory: good point grandpa

Thompson: in an alternate universe Gingrich
successfully impeached Bill Clinton

Gregory: is that why you have the beard -
are you Evil Fred Thomson?

McCain: oh my god Fred you are insane

Thompson: Romney is mean nasty and
did I say mean

Gregory: when did Republicans become
such crybabies?

Thompson: whaaaa!

Gregory: here’s a hankie Fred

Thompson: Being nasty is no way
to win an election!

[ sobs ]

Gregory: Sarah Palin is worried about a
split in the party

McCain: who is this Sarah Palin person
you speak of?

Gregory: heh

McCain: Did I mention Mitt Romney has
never had extra martial affairs

Gregory: but you attacked Romney in 2008

McCain: Gingrich can’t whine his way to victory

Thompson: this is the most important time in
our history - the economy has stopped!

Gregory: actually the economy is growing

Thompson: maybe so but this is the
Obama Recession

Gregory: ok

Thompson: we don’t need a bean counter!
We need a 51st state on the moon!

Gregory: Obama intimidated the
Governor of Arizona

McCain: 40,000 people have been killed in
a country that is not America!

Gregory: wow

Gregory: this is your 61st appearance on
Meet The Press

McCain: What do I get when I hit 100?

Gregory: a pair of gold rabbit ears

McCain: how appropriate Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: David Brooks says Obama isn’t
thinking big enough

Axelrod: Obama wants to revive manufacturing
and community colleges

Gregory: I demand Americans sacrifice!

Axelrod: ok how about raising taxes on millionaires

Gregory: the reality of the situation with
entitlements is dire!

Axelrod: so you say Greggers

Gregory: President Alan Simpson says we
must cut social security!

Axelrod: you’re a moron

Gregory: Obama says this election is
about fairness

Axelrod: that sounds good to me

Gregory: but didn’t Romney play
by the rules?

Axelrod: yes you are allowed to hide
your money in Swiss bank accounts but
that doesn't make it right

Gregory: you must raise taxes on
the middle class

Axelrod: you seem insistent on this point

Gregory: you must cut entitlements!

Axelrod: the rich have done spectacularly
well you know Fluffy

Gregory: isn’t Bain Capital wonderful

Axelrod: Romney bankrupts companies
and then loots them

Gregory: but shareholders made a
lot of money

Axelrod: he kills jobs!

Gregory: so does Obama

Axelrod: no George Bush lost millions of
jobs and Romney wants to return to his policies

Gregory: you attack investors but Obama
invested in General Motors

Axelrod: but we didn’t loot the company -
we built an industry

Gregory: it’s still the same

Axelrod: well then why did Romney oppose
the auto bailout!?

Gregory: will the GOP fight continue?

Axelrod: well Romney has the money and
Newt is crazy but then again Mitt
is a liar and weirdo

Gregory: Does Obama hate politics?

Axelrod: no he likes it which proves
he’s not normal

Gregory: why should people vote for Obama?

Axelrod: because we’re adding jobs and the
other guys are out of their fucking minds

Gregory: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: Hi panel! So Newt was doing so
well - what went wrong?

Scarborough: Florida is big state - it
takes money and organization and
popularity - three things Gingrich
doesn’t have

Todd: Team Romney carpet-bombed
the state with cash and coupons
for early bird dinners

Goodwin: it’s like Custer’s Last Stand
except Romney is a very rich Indian

Scarborough: Establishment v Tea Party!
It’s so on right now!!

Goodwin: I’m starting to wonder if Newt
is actually insane

Gregory: George Washington was just like
Romney because he was very rich too

Good: yes but FDR had polio and JFK was
in WWII and Mitt spent Vietnam in Paris

Todd: not every American has a Swiss
bank account

Gregory: most of the best people do

Scarborough: that is true

Gregory: Joe you warned that Gingrich is like
a cockroach or Cher

Scarborough: yes they are scary and
you don’t want them around and you think
you got rid of them and there they are

Gregory: will Newt ever go away?

Scarborough: He could win Georgia,
Oklahoma, Tennessee and the Moon

Gregory: Newt is still leading in nation polls

Todd: but Romney is going to win Michigan
- people love him there and since they
are unemployed will plenty of time to vote

Gregory: Obama is laughing his ass off

Goodwin: Obama talked about fairness
and people like that

Gregory: Obama is not demanding
enough sacrifice is he?

Scarborough: it was a great campaign
speech which is very depressing because
no one is willing to demand that
poor people give up even more

Gregory: Obama is cheating by being popular

Scar: it’s so so sad

Gregory: Beet sugar fields on the Moon!

Goodwin: so awesome

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - January 29, 2012

Newt Gingrich
Speaker John Boehner (R-OH)

Tapper: Newt why are you losing
so badly?

Gingrich: if you add my votes to
Santorum’s than I am winning

Tapper: I see

Gingrich: also unlike me Romney is
negative and mean

Tapper: is that so?

Gingrich: also the Beltway elites are
all against me

Tapper: so who is for you?

Gingrich: Todd Palin and Fred Thompson

Tapper: besides those two idiots?

Gingrich: Ronald Reagan’s corpse
has endorsed me

Tapper: why did you do so badly in
the last debate?

Gingrich: Romney says things that
aren’t true which is unprecedented
for a politician

Tapper: wow

Gingrch: also he is responsible for Columbine,
Virginia Tech and I’m pretty sure he
killed Michael Jackson

Tapper: you have ad saying Mitt Romney
saying killed Kaylee Anthony

Gingrich: Romney has performed dozens
of abortions in the Cayman Islands!

Tapper: amazing

Gingrich: also Romney is a big liar and
lacks character

Tapper: you’re saying he can’t be President

Gingrich: the Federal Election Commission
said I should be President

Tapper: I did not know that

Gingrich: I just want to be positive and
talk about space and how Romney caused
the earthquake in Haiti

Tapper: ok then

Gingrich: I have big ideas and he’s
soooo nasty

Tapper: you want to put an American
base on the moon

Gingrich: I’m big and bold and I have
a plan to have the private sector build a
ladder to the moon

Tapper: that is cool

Gingrich: Washington is terrified of me
because I will spend billions on public works
projects and they hate that

Tapper: Romney says you have no ethics

Gingrich: I agree with you that Obama is
a terrible person

Tapper: umm….

Gingrich: I cut taxes and lowered
unemployment and balanced the budget!

Tapper: you did?

Gingrich: Romney is maniacal!

Tapper: you’re so positive

Gingrich: he’s an utter liar and-

Tapper: I just checked you didn’t balance
the budget

Gingrich: drop dead Tapper you
beltway elitist

Tapper: Obama says you are race-baiting

Gingrich: Obama goes around the country
attacking people which the same as
being a racist

Tapper: I see

Gingrich: he’s a food stamp President because
he didn’t built a pipeline across Nebraska

Tapper: good luck Newt

[ break ]

Tapper: you say Obama is un-American

Boehner: he caused he recession in 2007!

Tapper: will you raise taxes on the
middle class?

Boehner: sadly no

Tapper: what about lower taxes on corporations?

Boehner: Obama has lots of good ideas

Tapper: even though he is unamerican
and a socialist

Boehner: right

Tapper: none your bills can get through
the Senate

Boehner: the US Senate are all poopyheads

Tapper: what’s the point of passing
legislation that’s guaranteed to fail?

Boehner: don’t be hatin’!

Tapper: Bob Dole says Newt is a total nutcase

Boehner: I know Newt and he scares
the shit out of me

Tapper: Do you think Newt is too crazy
to be President?

Boehner: First of rule of opposing Newt is
you don’t talk about Newt

Tapper: got it


Sunday, January 22, 2012

Meet The Press - January 22, 2012

Newt Gingrich
Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ)
Joe Scarborough
Katty Kay
Mike Murphy
Chuck Todd

Gregory: wow Newt won South Carolina

Gingrich: thank you I am amazing

Gregory: what happened?

Gingrich: there is real pain and anger
out there and people are sick and tired
about being told what to think

Gregory: I see

Gingrich: I’m running against the
big boys in Washington

Gregory: but you are the ultimate insider

Gingrich: I took a million dollars to
tell Fannie Mae they suck

Gregory: ok

Gingrich: I am a regular American and
Mitt is a capitalist stooge

Gregory: Mittens says you hate success

Gingrich: I’m not attacking business I’m
attacking this slippery jerk

Gregory: do you think Mitt should
release his tax returns?

Gingrich: yes of course but I won’t release mine

Gregory: a lot of people hate you
and some Republicans say you would
be a total catastrophe

Gingrich: I will take on the Establishment!

Gregory: wow

Gingrich: I will take on elites -
they caused the recession!

Gregory: what happened to family values?

Gingrich: I’m a grandfather now -
cuddly and cute!

Gregory: Jeb Bush says we should be
positive but you said Obama basically
hates America

Gingrich: the media has never
investigated Saul Alinsky

Gregory: I’m sorry about that

Gingrich: the objective fact is that Obama
is a black panther communist

Gregory: Romney is releasing tax returns

Gingrich: good now I don’t have to release
mine since the conversation is over

Gregory: Mitt is putting his tax returns

Christie: Finally - what a dumbass

Gregory: what was he hiding?

Christie: his amazing success which would
have made people really jealous

Gregory: right

Christie: people don’t want a failure as
President do they?

Gregory: what happened last night?

Christie: hey we got in a rumble and got beat up
and now we got to pick our knives and guns
take some dudes out

Gregory: you said Mitt Romney is too robotic

Christie: we’re working on that

Gregory: Newt is beating you on ethics

Christie: let’s drop the baloney -
of course Newt Gingrich was a lobbyist

Gregory: what has Mitt Romney ever done ?

Christie: people working at the Sports Authority
should thank Mitt Romney

Gregory: oh

Christie: people using those high-paying jobs at
Staples for food - let Obama attack that!

Gregory: why not elect Newt Gingrich

Christie: because Congress sucks and
Obama was a Senator

Gregory: do you think Gingrich would embarrass
the Republican party?

Christie: of course he would

Gregory: when has he ever done that?

Christie: don’t play dumb Fluffy

Gregory: I’m not playing

Christie: I see

Gregory: you’re making his character an issue

Christie: no I’m saying he’s an erratic wacko
who will destroy the party

Gregory: would Newt lose?

Christie: Romney would win!

Gregory: would you run for Vice President?

Christie: sure why not

Gregory: but no one likes you

Christie: true enough

Gregory: how can Obama get Republicans
get to rally behind him

Christie: stop being such a coward and
embrace Simpson-Bowles

Gregory: wow

Christie: I don’t agree with Simpson-Bowles
but he should totally do it anyway

Gregory: Do Republicans bear responsibility
for all the gridlock

Christie: no because Obama is a big meanie

Gregory: you killed a Hudson tunnel but
now you’re cutting income taxes in New Jersey

Christie: We’ve aggressively cut spending
and now it’s time for people to get their money back

Gregory: I love it

Christie: go New Jersey Giants!

[ break ]

Gregory: Chuck what happened in South Carolina?

Todd: Newt became the conservative alternative
and he even won on electability

Scarborough: Gingrich is not a real conservative
- he’s just a giant asshole

Gregory: really

Scarborough: Newt called Paul Ryan a
right-wing radical!

Murphy: Losing Carolina is not the problem -
the issue is Romney is a crappy campaigner

Gregory: Newt is running against Saul Alinsky
and food stamps

Kay: he tapped the conservative lizard brain

Todd: People aren’t voting for Newt Gingrich
- they’re voting against Mitt Romney

Scarborough: the party base is revolting

Gregory: true

Scarborough: Newt Gingrich is not
a conservative! Google it!

Gregory: wow

Scarborough: he called us jihadists!

Gregory: so sad

Scarborough: Newt is not a conservative
- he’s an opportunist!

Murphy: nobody cares Joe - he attacked
food stamps and called for child labor -
you can’t beat that

Gregory: so how does he win?

Murphy: Mitt has to remind people that
Newt is a living train-wreck

Scarborough: Gingrich is Michael Moore
and Mitt is an idiot

Gregory: will Mitch Daniels be recruited
to be President?

Murphy: after a UFO lands in Miami

Scarborough: the good news is that
people don’t like Mitt Romney but they
hate Gingrich

Gregory: true

Scarborough: Jeb Bush will probably
be the nominee

Murphy: [ snort! ]

Kay: Florida is more moderate

Todd: have you seen their Governor?

Gregory: NBC is hosting another Republican
debate tomorrow

Audience: oh my god

Todd: he should call on Newt to release
his Fannie Mae agreement

Murphy: we’ll see if Romney is a wimp or a fighter

Kay: the Super PAC ads will go negative for him

Scarborough: Newt is horrible -
but last night was a primal scream from the party
we will not go quietly into the night!

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - January 22, 2012

Rick Santorum
George Will
Katrina vanden Heuvel
Ron Brownstein
Amy Walter

Stephanopoulos: holy crap Newt Gingrich
crushed Mitt in South Carolina!

Gingrich: I speak for all the normal
people of America

Romney: when you attack me you
attack freedom

Stephanopoulos: Rick will you drop out?

Santorum: no because Mitt Romney is a
Wall Street liberal and Newt Gingrich
had an affair with Nancy Pelosi

Stephanopoulos: those are good points
and yet I help can’t noticing that no
one voted for you

Santorum: but South Carolina is
well-known to be full of insane people

Stephanopoulos: you say Newt is
mentally unstable

Santorum: he’s an undisciplined fat
cheating weirdo

Stephanopoulos: fascinating

Santorum: he got cooties from Nancy Pelosi!

Stephanopoulos: did you really vote for a
museum devoted to letting felons vote?

Santorum: I will kill Medicaid!

Stephanopoulos: you seemed doomed to fail

Santorum: why not let all 50 states
decide who the nominee will be?

Stephanopoulos: but you’re such a dweeb

Santorum: I won Iowa!

Stephanopoulos: Is Mitt Romney
in trouble?

Santorum: of course - conservatives
split the vote and he still lost!

Stephanopoulos: thanks Rickster

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: wow we’ve had
three winners in three primaries

Will: Romney is losing women and
electability - he has 6 wins and 19 losses

Brownstein: wow the Detroit Lions
are no longer the biggest losers
from Michigan

Will: his biggest flaw is his Romney-ness

Dowd: I disagree - his biggest problem
is his Mitt-ness

vanden Heuvel: Newt is playing on
racial grievances

Stephanopoulos: yes who has more
cause for racial grievance than
white southerners?

Gingrich: I have just realized that
destructive politics is bad

Brownstein: he’s killing among very
angry poor white people

Walter: no one cares about Bain -
they just can't stand Romney

vanden Heuvel: Occupy Wall Street
helped Gingrich

Dowd: Debates matter and consultants don’t

Will: you can’t Newt Gingrich nuclear weapons
- he’s a right looney!

Brownstein: the GOP is becoming poorer
and Mitt can’t connect with them

Will: May I observe the Newt is certifiable

Stephanopoulos: how could Romney not
see this tax issue coming?

Walter: it wasn’t in his original programming

vanden Heuvel: He didn’t think other Republicans
would attack his wealth

Dowd: He never had to before so why bother

Brownstein: the conservatives were all attacking
each other - now they’re going after him
and he’s can’t take it

Will: Republicans across America are waking
saying “dear god what have we done?!”

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Meet The Press - January 15, 2012

Newt Gingrich
Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV)
Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC)
Rep. Tim Scott (R-SC)
Gregory: Welcome to the show Newt

Gingrich: thanks Greggers

Gregory: are you going to drop out
and endorse Santorum

Gingrich: Rick is a Papist!

Gregory: you all are going to split
the conservative vote

Gingrich: Unlike Santorum I am a master debater

Gregory: but he’s a real conservative
and you’re a con man

Gingrich: Little Ricky has no idea what’s
about to hit him

Gregory: oh my

Gingrich: this week will be the most important
six days in the history of the United States

Gregory: wow

Gregory: New Hampshire conservatives
rejected you

Gingrich: yes but Mitt Romney used to
live on Golden Pond

Gregory: maybe but you need to do better
down south

Gingrich: you have no idea how rabid
Carolina conservatives are

Gregory: perhaps not

Gingrich: Romney is a job-killing socialist!

Gregory: your poll numbers go up and down

Gingrich: that rich Mormon is out to get me!

Gregory: that’s so sad

Gingrich: if he wants to throw down believe
me I’m ready pal

Gregory: you are running a movie to
destroy Mitt Romney

Gingrich: I’ve never heard of that Super PAC
run on my behalf

Gregory: the film is full of lies - for example
Mitt Romney never killed a hobo did he?

Gingrich: if that never happened then the PAC
should edit the movie to take that part out

Gregory: but the lies are out there

Gregory: Indeed Romney needs to answer
serious questions about this missing hobo

Gregory: should Romney release his tax returns?

Gingrich: he’d better do it now because Obama
will hammer his ass if he doesn’t

Gregory: do you think Romney is hiding something?

Gingrich: this hobo business won’t go away Fluffy

Gregory: you said Mitt was more ruthless than
Wall Street - but what’s bad about that?

Gingrich: nothing - I just want to know if he’s
honest about how scummy he really is

Gregory: isn’t he a great businessman?

Gingrich: sure but do we really want a hobo-killer
in the White House?

Gregory: Conservatives are very upset that you
sound like Michael Moore

Gingrich: I’m not at all like Michael Moore -
he makes products which are very profitable

Gregory: so what’s your point?

Gingrich: that Mitt Romney is a big lying jerk

Gregory: what will you do when you lose
in South Carolina?

Gingrich: I will return to grifting full-time

Gregory: you made fun of Mitt Romney for
speaking French - why is that bad?

Gingrich: he’s a Mormon foreigner

Gregory: you lived in France!

Gingrich: [ evil laugh ]

[ break ]

Gregory: Congress is incredibly unpopular

Reid: the GOP obstructs everything!

Gregory: I see

Reid: then they tried to raise taxes on poor people

Gregory: you said the Tea Party would lose its
power and yet they are so wonderful

Reid: oh stuff it Fluffy

Gregory: Congress is a bunch of losers

Reid: not true we’re going to shut down the Internet

Gregory: I love twitter! #fluffytweets

Reid: don’t worry Fluffy your fans will still be
able follow your deep thoughts

Gregory: Didn’t you hate George Bush like
the GOP hates Obama?

Reid: yeah that’s why we gave him everything he wanted

Gregory: people don’t trust either party

Reid: neither do I

Gregory: the GOP are getting lots of things done!

Reid: no they are not

Gregory: they are in my imagination

Reid: so I’ve noticed

Gregory: If the GOP won’t work with the President
then it must be Obama’s fault

Reid: you’re funny

Gregory: what can Obama say to Republicans
to make them act rationally

Reid: nothing

Gregory: oh there must be something

Reid: raise taxes on the richest 1% so we can
help poor people

Gregory: you are dug in on your policies - how
will that help Republicans come to their senses!?!

Reid: it won’t

Gregory: that makes you a failure

Reid: you are so ridiculous

Gregory: Obama appointed the head of
the financial reform commission and
Mitt Romney says that bad

Reid: the GOP doesn’t even want reform law to exist!

Gregory: Obama is sneaky and tricky

Reid: I worked with Bush! Ask anyone! I’m a
big wet noodle!

Gregory: Suze Orman says the middle class
has disappeared

Reid: she’s right

Gregory: tell me about Mitt Romney

Reid: I will comment in six months when he is
the nominee and his views have changed

Gregory: what is your agenda?

Reid: jobs, health care and old people

Gregory: what about Bob Kerry

Reid: I like him - he once killed a guy

Gregory: thanks for coming Harry

[ break ]

Gregory: Lindsay what happened to Newt Gingrich

Graham: after the debates the Newt will rise again

Scott: the Christians are splintered - its just
like the 1st century AD

Gregory: what do people in Carolina care about?

Scott: they like Jesus but they really need a job

Graham: I love God too but we need to beat Obama

Gregory: what about Mitt?

Graham: thank the Lord for venture capitalism

Scott: Romney may be a ruthless bastard but can’t
say that out loud because we need to beat Obama

Gregory: who are you voting for?

Scott: I’m using the process of elimination

Gregory: can anyone else win besides Mitt?

Scott: yes - I mean no

Gregory: the tea party seems to have lost its influence

Graham: they were always regular conservatives
just more annoying than most

Gregory: can you defeat Obama?

Graham: if we rally around Mitt Romney

Gregory: so you support Mitt?

Graham: yes after next week

Gregory: if Romney a tea partier?

Scott: No but he can be reprogrammed

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - January 15, 2012

Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX)
Stephen Colbert
Paul Krugman
George Will
Cokie Roberts
Peggy Noonan

Stephanopoulos: Good morning
Governor Perry

Perry: Good morning Jorge

Stephanopoulos: George

Perry: righty-o

Stephanopoulos: you are getting killed
in this race

Perry: like the heroes at the Alamo!

Stephanopoulos: you’re not even on the
ballot in Virginia

Perry: hey Joe they called Ronald Reagan
stupid too

Stephanopoulos: why should people
vote for you?

Perry: I’m Commander-in-Chief of the
Texas Army

Stephanopoulos: you called Mitt Romney
a Vulture Capitalist

Perry: the buzzards are circling Jim

Stephanopoulos: GOP activists are saying you’re
dumb and sound like Occupy Wall Street

Perry: that’s crazy - I don’t even own a drum

Stephanopoulos: did Mitt Romney create
100,000 jobs?

Perry: I don’t know but if he can’t handle me
he sure as heck can’t beat Obama

Stephanopoulos: but Obama will take his
inspiration from you

Perry: I doubt that Jake

Stephanopoulos: what will you do when you
lose in South Carolina?

Perry: I don’t plan ahead Jeff

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Stephen Colbert you are
running for President?

Colbert: I’m exploring it

Stephanopoulos: South Carolina officials say
you have as much chance of winning as you
have of being elected Pope

Colbert: why shouldn’t I be Pope?

Stephanopoulos: they don’t allow write-votes
in South Carolina

Colbert: they also said NASA could never put
cheese in pizza crust

Stephanopoulos: you ran in 2004 as a Democrat
and now you are a Republican - isn’t that a flip-flop?

Colbert: I figured the GOP will take anybody

Stephanopoulos: you have a Super PAC ad out
calling Mitt Romney a serial killer

Colbert: I’ve never seen that ad but it
seems pretty cool

Stephanopoulos: you call him a murderer

Colbert: no Jon Stewart did and he’s right

Stephanopoulos: who will your Vice President be?

Colbert: me

Stephanopoulos: would run a third-party campaign

Colbert: maybe even 4th or 5th

Stephanopoulos: are you running or not?

Colbert: I’m a one-man Lewis & Clark -
I’m exploring

Stephanopoulos: you like Super PACs

Colbert: money is speech George

Stephanopoulos: so you believe corporations
are people?

Colbert: George don’t you believe corporations
are people?

Stephanopoulos: I won’t answer that

Colbert: you sir are a racist!

Stephanopoulos: Roger Ailes says you are crazy

Colbert: Roger is a good friend and we
spa together

Stephanopoulos: are you in this just to air
Super PAC ads

Colbert: that’s Jon Stewart’s Super PAC

Stephanopoulos: not yours?

Colbert: I gave away my baby and that was hard
because my baby had a lot of money

Stephanopoulos: are Super PACs a good thing?

Colbert: there’s $11 million of free speech in
South Carolina!

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Can Romney win in
South Carolina?

Will: yes he will because no one likes him there

Noonan: [ removes glasses with a flourish ]

Karl: 400,000 androids will vote for Romney
in Florida

Noonan: Evangelicals and Tea Partiers can’t decide
between the crazy guy, the weirdo, the moron
and the lunatic

Roberts: Gingrich is a jerk, Rick is a Papist and
Rick Perry is… Rick Perry

Krugman: the GOP only has one agenda - to cut
taxes on rich people

Roberts: Perry calling Romney a vulture helps
the Republican party

Will: the America people love job destruction

Krugman: Bain isn’t a scandal you get out of
the way - it goes to the heart of Romney’s life story

Noonan: By November no one will care that
Romney is evil

Karl: Romney was a wonderful businessman but
a sneaky closet liberal

Noonan: no one cares about that either

Roberts: people think of Romney as slimy

Krugman: America is not a business - after all
the Pentagon doesn’t make a profit

Will: Capitalism is like surgery - it’s necessary but
ugly and no one wants to look at it

Sunday, January 08, 2012

NBC Facebook Republican Debate - January 8, 2012

January 8, 2012
David Gregory
John DiStaso
Andy Hiller
Mitt Romney
Newt Gingrich
Rick Santorum
Rick Perry
Ron Paul
Jon Hunstman
Gregory: Good morning and welcome
to the Fluffy Facebook debate

Candidates: good morning Mr. Zuckerberg

Gregory: please bash Mittens for me

Gingrich: because Obama is a scary black
man and Romney is timid just like Obama

Gingrich: I created 100 million jobs with
Saint Ronald and that other guy in the
1990s and I’ve been pre-smeared

Romney: we were losing jobs when I
became Governor and began adding
jobs after I took office

Gregory: that sounds like Obama

Romney: I’m a leader and Newt is a loser

Gregory: Rick you are also a loser

Santorum: Mitt didn’t even run for re-election

Gregory: he ran against Ted Kennedy

Santorum: he ran to his left and was defeated

Romney: I didn’t even to want to be
in politics!

Santorum: you ran for the Governor and
Senate and President twice idiot

Romney: my life’s passion is making
money and I’ve done that

Santorum: you will only serve one term
as President

Romney: not voluntarily

Gingrich: drop the baloney you loser

Romney: I know very well that I am
a loser dipshit

Gregory: is Romney a man of
constant conservatism?

Paul: Obama created empires and
bailed out the banks!

Perry: Wall Street dicks like Mitt Romney
caused the recession!

Gregory: Mitt what do you believe?

Romney: I wrote a book saying my firm
belief that I should be President

Hunstman: I love America so I served
as Ambassador to China

Romney: I respect that decision I
just think it destroys the nation

Huntsman: shut up pretty boy

Gregory: what pain will you bring to
the people?

Hunstman: I will cut Medicare Fluffy

Gregory: you must Social Security!

Huntsman: ok ok Fluffy

Santorum: of course we have to
means-test Social Security

Gregory: how else do you balance
the budget?

Santorum: require black people to
work harder

Gingrich: I’d like to see you in pain Fluffy

Perry: I can too name all three departments
I would cut!

Gregory: whoa slow down cowboy

Hunstman: get a load of the big brain on Rick!

Gregory: would you cut old people off Medicare

Santorum: we should let old people be
free to choose to have bad healthcare

Gregory: what about raising taxes on
very rich people

Romney: Ronald Reagan grew government!

Gregory: oh noe

Romney: we have to cut food stamps
and Medicare

Huntsman: we have to cut trillions!

Gingrich: Bill Clinton knew I hated his guts
but we worked together because he never
hounded me about all my affairs

Romney: The legislature gave me unilateral
power and I’m sure if Obama asked nicely
the GOP would do that for him

Gregory: Ron Paul you have no influence in DC

Paul: that proves how out of touch everyone is!

Gregory: how do you make people in
Washington stop being assholes?

Santorum: Ron Paul is creating vacuums!
He’s another Hoover!

Gregory: ooh

Santorum: I stood up and fought to cut aid
for mothers with children

Huntsman: Barack Obama is ignoring
wonderful people like Alan Simpson

Gregory: that is so sad

Hunstman: I want to roam around this
country generating excitement

Gregory: good luck with that

Gregory: what would you do to make
Republicans uncomfortable?

Perry: I think I’m making them pretty
uncomfortable right now!

DiStaso: should we cut home
heating oil benefits?

Huntsman: we should break up the oil
distribution monopoly!

Paul: regarding home heating oil the
gold standard is fascinating

Gregory: should Americans learn to live
with less heat?

Romney: As President I will tell states to
take care of their own damn problems

Hiller: Mitt you used to love gays so
what happened?

Romney: I put gay people on the bench

Santorum: I respect all people I just
believe we should discriminate
against gay people

Hiller: what if you had gay children?

Santorum: I would love my evil gay son
and if he married a dog I wouldn’t let
him take a ride from Mitt Romney

Perry: Obama caused the recession in 2007!

Romney: we must crush government unions!

Santorum: I didn’t vote for right-to-work law
when I was a Senator but since Pennsylvania
voted me out of office screw them all

Gregory: is Obama a bad President?

Gingrich: yes

Gregory: would you care to expand on that

Gingrich: Obama is weakening America
by not fracking interns

Gregory: is the recession Obama’s fault?

Romney: Obama is controlled by labor stooges!

Perry: all three of 'em!

Hiller: what about cross-state air pollution?

Romney: I like clean air because air
that is clean is good which is nice

Gingrich: the EPA is run by radicals that
doesn’t cooperate with businesses

Hiller: John McCain says Obama is a patriot
and loves America

Perry: Obama is a socialist doesn’t reflect
our founding fathers who believed in small
whiter federal government

Gregory: Rick Santorum are you a socialist?

Santorum: I’m a bottom-up kind of guy

Hiller: is health care a right?

Paul: No!

Hiller: really

Paul: there is only one right - a right to liberty!

DiStaso: are you willing to live free or die?

Huntsman: I’m sick of all these gay-bashing assholes

Gregory: should we go to war with Iran?

Santorum: Iran is crazy because they are
religious nuts who believe that the afterlife
is better than this one

Gregory: Pakistan has nukes too

Santorum: yes but religion should have no
role at all in politics

Gregory: I see

Santorum: Obama is very weak against Pakistan

Gregory: He violated their sovereignty to
get bin Laden

Gregory: You used be against Super PACs

Gingrich: yes but then I found out
Mitt Romney is a big meanie

Gregory: you called him a predator

Gingrich: am I’m going to catch him!

Romney: I haven’t even seen these ads you speak of

Gingrich: they’re on tv moron

Romney: let me cited five things from the ad

Gingrich: I thought you hadn’t seen them

Romney: Of course my former staffers
are running ads supporting me using a PAC
I don’t control!

Gregory: will you pull all your PAC ads?

Romney: I hope these fellows I barely know
pull these ads

Gingrich: Romney has forced me to run a
slanderous movie sliming him

Santorum: Why doesn’t Obama help people
get married except for banning gay marriage?

Gregory: fascinating point

Santorum: Iran is an evil theocracy and
Obama has a secular ideology!

Gregory: thanks for coming gentlemen

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Meet The Press - January 1, 2012

Former Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA)
Matt Strawn - Iowa GOP Chair
Kathie Obradovich - Des Moines Register
Andrea Mitchell
Chuck Todd
Mike Murphy
David Brooks
Mark Halperin
Gregory: wow it’s a frothy field and
Santorum is rising!

Todd: Romney has the support of people who
basically have given up on life

Gregory: but will those people bother to vote?

Todd: no but Ron Paul supporters will get
up at 4:30 a.m. assuming they’re not high

Strawn: we can’t afford another four years
of slow but steady economic growth
under Barack Obama

Todd: At first people don’t like Santorum but
once they experience it they like it

Gregory: Interesting

Todd: Unlike Santorum Romney is very slippery

Gregory: Santorum’s support is more sticky

Strawn: 100,000 Iowans will pick the
next President

Gregory: that’s amazing

Strawn: unless it snows then South Carolina
gets to choose the Commander in Chief

Todd: Romney would win easily if he
never said anything

Gregory: Iowa is tiny and full of white farmers

Strawn: we are first in the nation -
it’s all we’ve got!

Todd: will Perry supporters learn to
love Santorum?

Gregory: I’ve noticed you get used to
Santorum after a while

[ break ]

Gregory: Rick Santorum you have a hot hand

Santorum: people keeps asking me
‘Santorum when are you going to surge’?

Gregory: what do you say?

Santorum: I say hold on tight I’m coming

Gregory: no other Senators endorsed you

Santorum: Santorum is not that popular
in the U.S. Senate

Gregory: ok

Santorum: I’m looking to bring Santorum to Washington

Gregory: you have experience with pork

Santorum: I alone kept Washington from exploding

Gregory: you endorsed Romney in 2008

Santorum: I respected John McCain immensely
and hate Romney therefore I endorsed
Romney just to stop McCain

Gregory: Is Romney a conservative?

Santorum: what day is it?

Gregory: ha ha

Santorum: you can’t have a strong economy
unless you repress gay people

Gregory: you are soft on fetuses

Santorum: I support abortion exceptions
but I’m not in favor of them

Gregory: you funded Amtrak

Santorum: Sadly I was forced to compromise
with Ted Kennedy on socialist railroads

Gregory: you say Obama would be dangerous
for America but Republicans are also
very unpopular

Santorum: Obama keeps dividing America
between black and white

Gregory: that sounds just like him

Santorum: Obama has refused to meet with
John Boehner for last six months

Gregory: that can’t possibly be right

Santorum: well Obama is giving speeches
attacking Republicans and that is just wrong

Gregory: Republicans are not to blame
for gidlock?

Santorum: the problem is government oppression

Gregory: ah

Santorum: Republicans discovered in 2009
that government spending is bad

Gregory: you say Obama’s foreign policy
is appeasement to evil people

Santorum: Obama wants muslim thugs
to steal elections because he is from Chicago

Gregory: of course

Santorum: Obama is bad because he didn’t
support the democracy movement in Iran and
wouldn’t support the dictator of Egypt

Gregory: that makes no sense

Santorum: It does because I don’t care about
democracy - I just hate Islam

Gregory: got it

Santorum: Bush tried to support democracy in
Iran and Obama won’t help at all!

Gregory: what would you do in Iran?

Santorum: covert action baby

Gregory: Obama is doing that

Santorum: there is no evidence that Obama
is engaging in covert actions

Gregory: do you know what the word covert means?

Santorum: we must launch air strikes against Iran!

Gregory: will you win in Iowa?

Santorum: you’re going to see a big jump
in Santorum!

[ break ]

Gregory: who is going to win Iowa?

Obradovich: Santorum is surging

Murphy: Santorum is coming out fast

Halperin: Romney has only to fear Perry
and Gingrich

Mitchell: the evangelicals may not vote
for Ricky if supports abortion when a
woman’s life in danger

Brooks: Santorum clearly explains how
gay people cause unemployment

Murphy: the churches will dump Perry
because he’s a dumbass

Obradovich: voters who are born-again but
like marijuana will support Ron Paul

Brooks: average people think America is
declining but their only answer is a
time-traveling DeLorean

Mitchell: Ron Paul would win but he’s not
war-like enough

Murphy: new people never vote in Iowa

Obradovich: Independents love to caucus
and like Ron Paul

Gregory: can I talk?

Murphy: ok ok

Gregory: Mitt Romney wants to be the
white Barack Obama

Halperin: Mitt has run the best campaign but
the White House machine is even better

Brooks: Romney is too bland to win

Gregory: America is in decline! [ sobs ]

Mitchell: Obama has not found his voice

Murphy: how you win the GOP primary but still
take the general election?

Brooks: Rick Santorum is against poverty

Gregory: then he’s doomed

Obradovich: don’t ignore Iowa!

Halperin: Santorum will squashed like a bug

Gregory: Romney’s SuperPACs are vicious

Mitchell: they crush and they kill

Murphy: Rick will fail because he is
a non-entity

Brooks: hell that dweeb couldn’t win
in Pennsylvania

Gregory: January is going to be fucking exciting!

Halperin: Mitt is going to wrap this up by
January 31

Gregory: so who wins Iowa?

Obradovich: I predict a surprise!

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - January 1, 2012

Jake Tapper - Host
Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX)
Byron York
Neera Tanden
Craig Robinson
Matthew Dowd
Tapper: OMG Rick Santorum is coming up from
behind to nail Mitt Romney while Michele
Bachmann brings up the rear!

Karl: Newt Gingrich will not vote for Newt Gingrich
which makes him much like the average American

Gingrich: Politics has become a very nasty
business and dammit I deserve more credit

Bachmann: My campaign chair is an idiot

Luntz: Newt will you cry for me

Newt: I can’t believe I’m losing to Rick Perry!
[ sobs ]

[ break ]

Tapper: Ron Paul you are popular but your
critics say you are crazy and unelectable

Paul: my critics are ignorant
whippersnappers dagnabit

Tapper: you are against two of my favorite wars

Paul: I will cut a trillion dollars from the budget

Tapper: criminy

Paul: I have support from Democrats,
independents and assorted weirdoes
who love liberty

Tapper: did you actually write the Ron Paul

Paul: I wrote all the good stuff but none
of the bad stuff

Tapper: who wrote the racist stuff?

Paul: who can say - probably some racist

Tapper: I see

Paul: Hey I’m against the drug war, death
penalty, useless wars and the court system

Tapper: Do you think the 9/11 attacks were
done by the CIA

Paul: No you blockhead

Tapper: you couldn’t manage a newsletter
with nine people on it?

Paul: Hundreds of people worked on the
Ron Paul newsletter!

Tapper: ah

Paul: the important thing is all the non-racist
things I have often said

Tapper: good luck doc

[ break ]

Tapper: Michele you won the Iowa straw poll and
now no one likes you - what went wrong?

Bachmann: what happened is I have traveled to
all 99 counties in Iowa and met people in person

Tapper: and your poll numbers plummeted

Bachmann: I have literally gone from town to town
looking for supporters

Tapper: have you found any?

Bachmann: no but I will keep looking

Tapper: Rick Santorum is a lot like you but smart

Bachmann: yes but I sit on the House
Intelligence Committee

Tapper: that is amazing

Bachmann: I am the IRS candidate

Tapper: really

Bachmann: I also refused to pay the bills
Republicans ran up when Bush was President

Tapper: that’s hard core

Bachmann: I also hate gay people even more
than Rick Santorum

Tapper: with all due respect I find
that hard to believe

Bachmann: I have 23 foster children

Tapper: will they vote for you?

Bachmann: I’m not looking at my rear view
mirror for Santorum

Tapper: you’re in last place

Bachmann: I am number one in enthusiasm!

Tapper: will your drop out after Iowa?

Bachmann: I am just like Margaret Thatcher

Tapper: how so?

Bachmann: she also was never elected
President of the United States

Tapper: Good luck Michele

[ break ]

Tapper: Romney leads and Ron Paul is right behind

York: Santorum may rise and make a splash

Tanden: Romney does not mind
Santorum coming up behind him

Robinson: Santorum has come up from
the back

Dowd: Santorum will not maintain his stickiness

Tapper: I see

Tanden: Romney will be the least popular
winner ever

York: negative ads work - who knew?

Robinson: Romney is a flip-flopper but
don’t tell anyone

York: the conservatives are all attacking
each other which will end up nominating Mitt

Tanden: Newt Gingrich has picked the wrong
time not to be an asshole

Tapper: he’s going to draw a contrast by
accusing Rick Santorum of murdering
Susan Smith’s children

York: Gingrich pretending to be statesmen
was great until Romney reminded people
what a dick he is

Robinson: well it’s too late now

Tapper: poor Newt