Saturday, September 29, 2007

Diane Sawyer Interviews Jenna - Sept. 28 2007

Diane Sawyer Interviews Jenna
September 28, 2007

Scene: Night, remote Jamaican neighborhood

Nixon BFF Diane Sawyer:

wow jenna is so brave she went into a dangerous black jamaican neighborhood!

Jenna: well dood this is where you have to score the really good stuff

Sawyer: wow jenna u r so brave

Jenna: thats how i roll

Sawyer: hey poor black lady show some respect this girls dad is the Presnit

Black woman: wow you seem so dim

Sawyer: if you knew america better you wouldn't be so surprised

Sawyer: i tried to get into a jamaican sex club but they said no you don't fit our standards

Sawyer: did your dad ever tell you stop drinking like Britney Spears on a bad weekend

Jenna: no

Sawyer: you used false ID for god’s sake

Jenna: hey it was college i got good grades

Sawyer: omg in what basket weaving

Jenna: mom and dad let us grow up without ever any judgments

Sawyer: ah i think we see the problem

Jenna: they rock

Sawyer: did they ever say why can't you be like the Nixon gurlz

Jenna: who the fuck are they

Sawyer: which presidential kid do wish you were like

Jenna: chelsea clinton

Sawyer: who is the disciplinarian in the family mom or dad

Jenna: Grandma Barbara that woman is pure evil

Diane: describe yur fiancee

Jenna: he's outdoorsy he's a lumberjack and he's okay

Diane: but he's really political

Jenna: no not really he only worked with karl rove to get ahead

Diane: when did you know you wanted him to be your first husband

Jenna: when he nailed me

Diane: tell me about the proposal

Jenna: he rendered me sleepless and at dawn he surprised me at the top of a mountain

Diane: you said yes

Jenna: i had no sleep or food and had just climbed a hill fer crissake

Diane: does he get to sleep with Not Jenna

Jenna: yes i will be traveling alot

Diane: what will you do differently from Chimpy and the Joker

Jenna: well based on their example and my whole family i think we'll just skip the whole having kids thing

Diane Sawyer: yes three generations of imbeciles is probably enough

Diane: your dad is teh most powerful man in teh hemisphere

Jenna: yes I’ve learned to read and met black people

Diane: you wrote a book

Jenna: yes its like bob marley meets a Bennetton ad

Diane: someone once said we can't all do great things but we can all do small things and i think that sums up my encounters with the bush family - good night

Friday, September 28, 2007

Republican Debate - September 28, 2007

Republican Debate - September 28, 2007
Hosts: Tavis Smiley, Juan Williams
Subject: Minority issues

[ sorry, missed the first half hour ]

Moderator: tell me about economics

Huckabee: government is a boot on your face

Ron Paul: obviously the cause of economic disparity in america is the minimum wage.

Brownback: we don't have a colorblind society although you'd never know the way people go through traffic lights - but what i'd really like to say that the way to help black people is to adopt a flat tax in black areas i call the "motherfucker flat tax"

Tancredo: fuck all you race-baiters - did you know that in 1950s blacks were better off than white people and then came illegal immigrants and welfare and blacks became lazy and that has nothing to do with race!

Hunter: i can't believe that bill clinton took credit for signing legislation when he was president - that bastard - but after that black people starting living the high life they all opened dry cleaners moved to upper east side

Keyes: a lot of black men find good jobs in prison we should send more of them there

Moderator: why are you here dood

Keyes: I’m the last living black republic

Mod: so what's your plan?

Keyes: we must get rid of the culture of infidelity and hedonism and immorality

Juan Williams: enough about the Republican Party

Tavis: let's talk about illegals

Tancredo: wow i love how all these doods are jumping on my pet issue - welcome to my world - now i realize its a scary world but bear with me - we don't have to "round people up" that's myth most will go voluntarily like in Europe in the 1930s and 40s

Hunter: i pay too much for drywall dammitt

Moderator: what’s your answer to the problem of illegals

Hunter: my double fantasy fence

Keyes: no law in america matters if we don't close our borders illegals come in and take food out of black babies mouths!

Huckabee: i get on my knees every night and thank god I'm not brown or black - look our real fear should be of people coming with dirty suitcases

Juan Williams: millions of young black americans are watching this debate tonight

Tavis: [ spit take ]

Juan Williams: equal justice?

Brownback: i tried to get a sense of the black experience so i lived in a homeless shelter

Juan Williams: well that would do it

Brownback: young blacks need to know that if they get out of prison they will probably go back

Tancredo: what’s the deal with this federal crime shit - I say states like Louisiana alone should enforce criminal laws

Juan Williams: well that should certainly help black people

Tancredo: also blacks have no morals values or discipline

Williams: maybe you should stay away from Sylvia’s dood

Hunter: that white kid got kicked in the head so i assume the black kid is a bad kid that's clear even though i admit i know nothing about this case

Juan: thank you for that ill-informed knee-jerk reaction - it's what we all want in a president

Tavis: improve the system?

Hunter: jury of their peers!

Tavis: like when all-white juries try blacks?

Hunter: yeah after all they share 99% DNA

Keyes: these kids need a boot up the ass and shunning

Huckster: lots not lock up the people we're mad at -- lock the people we're afraid of - also let's not lock all drug offenders

Mod: wow that's remarkably enlightened

Paul: I'll go one better we need to end the war on drugs

Audience: yay!

Paul: prohibition didn't work, drugs are a disease!

Moderator: what about Washington DC?

Tancredo: put DC in virginia or maryland

Hunter: sure DC residents can vote for President just as soon as they let residents carry machine guns

Keyes: if they don't like it they can fucking leave plus we all know that DC belongs to all of America

Huckster: it's a matter of a justice and equality

Keyes: DC residents don't deserve freedom they're icky

Brownback: it's ok if DC residents vote Presinit but not for Congress that would be scary

Paul: national ID is fascist!

Brownback: asking about immigration that's a really hard question

Mod: you always say that

Hunter: bring back the family doctor through tax cuts

Keyes: screw that, bring back the family - force people to get married and have children

Mod: you're actually German aren't you?

Keyes: jobs is healthcare so message to blacks is go get a job

Huckabee: there has to be ownership of the healthcare i mean you should be itemizing every bill and negotiating with your oncologist and heart surgeon

Dr. Ron Paul: medicine is all corporate and inflation is bad

Mod: calm down dood

Paul: why do states license doctors what kind of fascism is that - let the barber take out your pancreas

Tancredo: you fucking lazy people if you get sick it's all your fault - i know i'm scaring you but yes we should let people die if the get sick - only then will people will have the incentive not to get to get sick

Williams: Ambassador Keyes when you were Ambassador to Psychoville, did you ever meet the first black combat pilot she like a black female Maverick

Keyes: no but she's hot

Juan: she's been bombing iraqis

Keyes: awesome

Juan: blacks hate the war

Keyes: hey dood we didn't start the war in Iraq muslims from the middle east who were proxy-iraqis attacked us my real problem is that Bush went easy on those ragheads

Huckabee: i luv veterans

Paul: Bush lied! Saudis attacked us! Jolly well help ourselves!

[ applause ]

Brownback: One, i think-

Juan: -who?

Brownback: -One, that's your name-

Juan: -oh

Brownback: split Iraq into three - i mean of course the United States America should begin cutting up middle east countries who wouldn't think that is good idea?

Tancredo: i'm going to babble mindlessly for a few minutes

Mod: ok dood

Hunter: everything is going great in Iraq although the government is inept

Huckabee: slaughter of unborn!

Paul: come home from everywhere!

Brownback: no - we are the greatest country in teh world USA! USA!

Tancredo: we should act in Sudan and save Darfur

Moderator: how, you won't use troops?

Tancredo: the UN should handle it - if they fail then it will prove they suck and we should leave the UN

Keyes: we are a nation of nations and we should take over the whole planet because we stand for universal values

Entire Group:

Rescue Darfur!


Moderator: Death penalty?

Brownback: i'm against the death penalty cause i'm all about culture of life but i will make an exception for liberals

Tancredo: well sure for

Hunter: damm that Charles Manson!!!

Keyes: i love the death penalty how else are we going to send the message that we love life

Mod: ok you're sundowning now Alan

Tavis: segregation?

Tancredo: what a racist thought - that black kids can't learn even if they go to segregated all black school i'm shocked at you

Hunter: i lub mom and dad

Tavis: debate is over so thank you all except for Mitt and McCain and Rudy fuck you you fucking motherfuckers

[ audience ]

ron paul! ron paul! ron paul! ]

Sunday, September 23, 2007

60 Minutes - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

60 Minutes Interview with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
September 23, 2007

Scott Pelley: dood what the fuck are you thinking trying to go Ground Zero - you have to know we don't let scary brown muslims visit out sacred sites

Ahmadinejad: what the fuck dood why not

Pelley: dood look at you - you make Bush look normal

Ahmadinejad: hey i just want to be loved

Pelley: you're killing Americans in Iraq you've got blood on your hands

Ahmadinejad: well that's what Cheney says

Pelley: no i'm sorry the evidence is irrefutable Members Only

Ahmadinejad: fuck dood do you work for Bush or what

Pelley: that's not your business - now stop laughing at me

Ahmadinejad: whatever dood

Pelley: are you sending weapons to Iraq yes or no

Ahmadinejad: well if i were - what the fuck you invaded the damm place

Pelley: hey Bush invading Iraq is the best thing that ever happened to you

Ahmadinejad: yeah that Bush is a fucking genius

Pelley: you've got an evil nuclear program

Ahmadinejad: no i don't

Pelley: the Security Council gets to tell everyone in the world what to do everyone knows that

Ahmadinejad: yeah and we've been inspected by the IAEA

Pelley: and they didn't find your evil shit omg you are so secretive

Ahmadinejad: we're all about peace

Pelley: i want to smack you right now

Ahmadinejad: calm down Scott

Pelley: tell me something you really, really admire about Bush

Ahmadinejad: dood tell me something YOU love about Stupid you seem obsessed about the subject

Pelley: well he's religious

Ahmadinejad: did Jesus tell him to kill one million Iraqis? by Allah you're gullible

Pelley: Bush says you've isolated your nation, and made your country a pariah in the whole world

Ahmadinejad: holy crap - projection much?

Pelley: will you pledge not build a bomb

Ahmadinejad: I don’t know let me think about it

Pelley: you won't answer my question

Ahmadinejad: thank you

Pelley: answer my questions you evil rug-kissing motherfucker

Ahmadinejad: this isn't Gitmo you obsequious twit

Meet the Press with Tim Russert - September 23, 2007

Meet the Press with Tim Russert
September 23, 2007
Senator Hillary Clinton and Alan Greenspan
[ Hillary, on tape ]
I'm against funding the war

Russert: so Hillary are you against funding the war or what

Hillary: yes i am and from now on i will not vote one more penny for the war

Tim: wow

Hillary: sorry dood but bush has failed and the soldiers are brave but you can't referee a fucking civil war

Tim: so sad

Hillary: Bush won't listen to reason and I've tried to get him to see some common sense and talk to rational people but he won't

Tim: you're a tangle of contradictions aren't you -- like 2 years ago you said something different

Hillary: yes i did

Tim: but you changed your mind!!!!!

Hillary: yup

Tim: you are blowing my mind

Hillary: look dood things have changed bush is clearly a stubborn moron and there is no military solution

Russert: but our troops!

Hillary: don't even try that buddy - i love the troops they're great- but they can't create an Iraqi government at the point of a gun

Russert: interesting

Hillary: we need to this madman

Timmeh: you voted for the war

Hillary: yes but that was the information we had the time and sure if i knew then what i know now of course i wouldn't vote for it - no one would

Tim: but you opposed Carl Levin in stopping Bush

Hillary: hey we can't give the UN a veto over the president

Tim: even Bush?

Hillary: well sure him, but not me

Tim: were you wrong?

Hillary: yes, but Bush is the real crazy person we now have to stop Bush and get out of this madness

Timmy: why did you put this anti-Petraeus ad in the New York Times?

Hillary: actually i didn't - why did you put out ads attacking Max Cleland Tim?

Tim: well i didn't senator

Hillary: well now you know how i feel Captain General Electric

Tim: ok

Hillary: we have to end this fucking war you fat head

Tim: let's talk about some more

Hillary: this is a stupid conversation we're stuck in a civil war and thousands of americans are dead

Tim: so about more about this ad, do you condemn it and would you like to see the leaders of Moveon taken out and shot?

Hillary: moron shut the fuck up

Timmy: it's your fault we don't have universal health care

Hillary: oh of course because I'm the one who risked my career to try to create it - that makes sense

Timmy: yes but you suck - you mismanaged it

Hillary: who told you that Tim Russert?

Tim: Harry and Louise

Tim: you're taking money from Chinese people it's bad

Hillary: of for god's sake i'm in favor of public campaign financing

Tim: but it's like 1996 it's tainted by the Yellow People

Hillary: for pete's sake dood i have 100,000 donors

Tim: so filter out the asians - they only have like nine last names

Hillary: idiot

Tim: people hate you

Hillary: look who's talking

Tim: you're polarizing

Hillary: no i took the red parts of New York state

Tim: yeah but that's still liberal New York

Hillary: oh no there are a lot of real hicks up there dood

Tim: really?

Hillary: oh i could tell you stories - there are some real ignorant assholes in my state

Tim: hey I'm from upstate New York

Hillary: well then my point is made


Tim: Turbulapalooza 2007 rocks

Alan Greenspan: pour some sugar on me

Tim: You said Bill Clinton was a Republican?

Greenspan: well he had a sex scandal

Tim: you fear Hillary

Greenspan: her worldview is against globalization

Tim: you say Bush was a Big Spender

Greenspan: he didn't veto was enough

Tim: which bill should he have vetoed?

Greenspan: the Anti-Matlock Bill of 2005

Tim: what was wrong with Bush

Greenspan: he had no ethics and politicized everything

Tim: anything else?

Greenspan: The GOP Congress was evil and for sale

Tim: Krugman sez you are a lying bastard

Greenspan: the best response I have is that I had no real influence on fiscal policy in the last few years

Tim: are getting senile grandpa?

Greenspan: i was terrified that Clinton would pay off the debt it's a horror

Tim: but you changed your mind

Greenspan: yes i did - but i was in favor on the Greenspan Pony Plan - not the Bush Plan

Tim: social security?

Greenspan: it's not a problem but Medicare really is

Tim: recession?

Greenspan: 50/50 chance

Tim: yes or no

Greenspan: housing prices will fall even more

Tim: that was your fault too you told people to buy ARMs

Greenspan: no that was the fault of the staffers at the Federal Reserve their papers are terribly influential

Tim: that is so true

Greenspan: besides this going on all over the world don't blame me

Timmeh: you said Iraq war is all about Oil

Greenspan: dood use your haid of course it is you don't see us in Darfur or Burma do you

Timmeh: but you said things that weren't true

Greenspan: i watched Saddam for 30 years and the thought of him controlling america's oil made me sad

Timmeh: so of course we invaded another country

Greenspan: it's god's country - we just liberated it

Timmeh: i didn't know you were religious

Greenspan: i was talking about the God of the Free Market dood

Timmeh: who was the smartest President?

Greenspan: Clinton outpaces Nixon

Tim: most disgusting?

Greenspan: Oh Nixon easy

Tim: who was the stupidest?

[Greenspan thought bubble]

(‘Dubya, easily’)

Greenspan: oh i don't know

Tim: who was the most political?

Greenspan: George W.H. Bush

Tim: quite the family of fuckers aren't they?

Greenspan: you should meet the Bush women dood

Tim: you seduced Andrea Mitchell with a report on monopolies

Greenspan: yeah she's wildcat

Tim: she never falls for my Buffalo Bills memorabilia

Greenspan: sucks for you

The Chris Matthews Show - September 23, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show
September 23, 2007

Matthews: It could be a Subway Series will Hillary Clinton vs. Rudy Giuliani but do Americans hate New York???

Heileman: no people luv New York especially NYU it’s the best

Matthews: Go Fighting Violets!

O'Donnell: no New York burned Atlanta but that wasn't Rudy's fault

Matthews: but Rudy tawks funny

O'Donnell: he's America's hero

Sully: Hillary is a phony

Matthews: i love it!! let's show a 10 year tape attacking Hillary!! Ha!

O'Donnell: some say Hillary is a phony bitch

Sully: she's polarizing if she is the nominee it will be worst thing in the history of the world

Matthews: but you agree with her

Sully: yes but she's a castrating she-devil

Matthews: i love it when Rudy threatens to kill people who disagree with him

Panel: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Matthews: rudy is teh Flamingo Kid he's Matt Dillon

Heileman: hes Teh Outsider

Matthews: Give me some psychobabble

Heileman: Matthews on your show that is redundant

Matthews: i love it!

Panel: she wins over him

Parker: no he's a real man people luv it

O'Donnell: but why?

Parker: it's her voice and her finger-wagging

Matthews: ha i love it women will withhold sex from their hubbies if Hillary is the nominee

Matthews: rudy is teh Flamingo Kid he's Matt Dillon

Heileman: hes teh Outsider

Matthews: Give me some psychobabble

Heileman: Chris on your show that is redundant

Matthews: i love it!

Panel: Hillary will beat Rudy

Parker: no he's a real man people luv it

O'Donnell: but why?

Parker: it's her scary voice and her finger-wagging

Matthews: ha i love it!! Women will withhold sex from their hubbies if Hillary is the nominee

Sully: she appeals to our worst instincts

Matthews: let me show a 10 year old tape making her look bad

Panel: groan

Matthews: let me show a clip calling her devilish

O'Donnell: some say she is an inauthentic castrator

Sully: the attempt to stop being phony just shows she is phony

Panel: Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Matthews: Bush going after and the Democrat party he sez they should be afraid of irritating the US military

Sully: that group is disgusting they're a 5th column of traitors and they're still better than Bush

Matthews: who's winning moveon or Bush

Heileman: the liberals are dirty fucking hippies they would be more effective if they washed

Matthews: will Hillary surrender to the Lefties and act sensibly on the war?

O'Donnell: no she will not give in to the Lefties!!

Matthews: but she's with them on the war!

O'Donnell: well yeah except for that

Sully: but that's not fair the whole country is against the war now

Matthews: i'm confused why do we hate liberal bloggers again?

Sully: they never shower or leave the house

Matthews: i love you Sully

Tweety: Predictions!

O'Donnell: dirty Dems will win lots of seats

Heileman: Bloomberg will get in the race maybe

Parker: human trafficking is going to be really big

Matthews: only the hippies care about that Kathleen

Sully: Iowa is really important because we must stop Hillary

Matthews: how can we stop her!!!??

Matthews: ha ha ha ha who is Rudy is he Matt Dillon or Don Knotts??????

O'Donnell: ha put it on vibrate

Matthews: ha when Rudy debates Hillary she will cut off his balls ha!

Charles Osgood interviews Marcel Marceau

Charles Osgood interviews Marcel Marceau
September 23, 2007

Osgood: so, why mime dood?


Osgood: i see. people hate mimes, you know?


Osgood: you are stating to annoy me


Osgood: fuck you too!


[wraps hands around Marceau's throat; Marceau mimes choking and dying]

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Meet The Press - September 16, 2007

Meet The Press with Tim Russert
September 16, 2007
Guests: Senator John Kerry and Senator John McCain

Tim Russert: iz irak war good idea? we ask 2 doods from vietnam

Our guests are john "how can you ask someone 2 B teh last man 2 die 4 a mistake" kerry and john "i wuz teh pow" mccain

Lets get 2 it

John McCain: we haf to defeat al qaeda

Russert: dood people are dying and bush sucks

McCain: that's true but it was all about Rumsfeld and now we've adopted the McCain surge we’re winning

Russert: so why stay there

McCain: genocide blah blah

John Kerry: as you may have noticed Bush is a liar, a loser and a total moron who has no clue how to create real change in Iraq

Russert: i did notice that but i can't say it

Kerry: we've empowered terrorists and the Iraqis have to know we are leaving so it will be up to them McCain and the crazies want to stay for nothing

Russert: so what's your solution

Kerry: pull out slowly over a year

McCain: no way - we can't leave we have to control the whole region and by region i mean all land and oceans from the Mediterranean to China

Russert: wow you are crazy

McCain: look we changed the mission and the Kurds are happy and after all Dr. Kissinger says we should stay and he's a liberal

Tim: uh huh

Kerry: newsflash dood! Al qaeda was not in Iraq until we invaded so congratulations McCain you just gave them a safe haven - bang up job by you and your buddy President Stupid

McCain: i'm very proud of Gen. Petraeus and our semi-safe al qaeda haven

Kerry: where is Condi Rice??

Russert: Ferragammos?

McCain: so sad John Kerry wants to go back to failed policies of George Bush

Kerry: oh I see you are insane

McCain: Gen. Petraeus sez it's the central front on the war on terror

Kerry: yeah but he only says that because Al Qaeda says so

McCain: well, they ought to know

Kerry: we should fight them where we want to

McCain: oh please, you don't think Petreaus comes to his conclusions by talking to experts -- he communes with god

Kerry: terrorists are in Iraq because we are there!

McCain: which is why we should stay!

Kerry: which is why we should leave!

McCain: Jim Jones says we should stay

Russert: actually he disagrees with that

McCain: no he doesn't

Russert: yes he does I know he was on my show

McCain: yeah but I've known him for 30 years

Russert: you’re deluded

McCain: it's hard and tough and long and full of disappointments

Russert: Iraq?

McCain: no my life

McCain: we still have troops in Okinawa and the Karate Kid III was a great movie

Russert: that's true - but what happens in a year when nothing has changed?

McCain: i will blow out my cheeks even more

Kerry: there is a power struggle going on in Iraq and Chipmunk doesn't get it - no surge could succeed

[blows up cheeks]

Kerry: go ahead puffy but i'm going to read this New York Times editorial from soldiers who know what they are talking about

Russert: how long can you fuck over the American people

McCain: not forever

Kerry: oh just great

McCain: losing is bad

Kerry: Osama is not in Iraq stupid

McCain: we've only been in Iraq for 6 months

Kerry: 5 1/2 years and nothing has been accomplished - they can’t “train” Iraqi soldiers for gawd’s sake

McCain: hey learning how to hold a gun is tough - like how do you point it and shit like that

McCain: you want us to lose

Kerry: define victory

McCain: I'll know it when I see it

Russert: war porn

McCain: Iraq is like Terri Schiavo we can't pull the plug now!

Kerry: wacko

McCain: Dems are proposing failure

Kerry: Bush is a failure


Timmeh: the biggest issue in the campaign is if we should worship Generals or not

After all Rudy has a good point how can you support holding Saddam accountable and not want to put in prison??

Panel: ha ha

Timmeh: ha ha ha what does all this mean!??

Chuck Todd: so sad McCain should be in command but sadly the nursing home has restricted his hours

Timmeh: winner of the week

Todd: Rudy, he rocks

Ryan Lizza: he rulz he took 'em with demagoguery

Timmeh: why didn't hillary condemn an ad she had nothing to do with??

Lizza: she didn't because she needs to get votes from the extreme left

Todd: Moveon is like Chris Hitchens they're fun and you used to like them - but then they keep showing up at parties drunk and pissing on the carpet yelling ‘fuck you all’

Rusert: why are the pundits going after fred mcGruff???

Lizza: Fred Thompson is hardly trying - i don't know if that's good or bad

Todd: so sad us Beltway types go after Thompson because we're elitist and out of touch

Russert: oh indeed except me I keep in touch with the common man out at Nantucket

The Chris Matthews Show - September 16, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show
September 16, 2007

Matthews: Bush says we're staying 50 years

Dan Rather: he's giving to the next President it's like a handoff in football

Andrea Greenspan Mitchell: its not all about strategery Iraq will be an enduring relationship - it's like my love with Alan it's enduring but it won't last long

Joe Klein: Petraeus wants to stay forever but with fewer troops - it's a great idea

Katty Kay: Al Anbar is very safe unless you're a sheik allied to the US government

Matthews: when you go into a Pottery Barn and you break something you have to stay in the store and keep breaking stuff or else your original breaking will have been in vain

Joe Klein: so true

Matthews: does Bush's insanity help Hillary

Mitchell: yes now she is can move to left where everyone else is anyway

Klein: she's smart she said Bush took credit for the sunrise

Matthews: the debate in 2008 will be how do we stop Bush

Klein: Jim Webb says we should fight the war but from here

Matthews: which bush will veto

Klein: so let him

Matthews: I love Petraeus's charts there so cool and zigzaggy

After all Powell showed us cartoons of biological weapons and Ross Perot married his daughter off to Madonna

Joe Klein: we will keep showing the Iraqis Powerpoint presentations until they surrender

Kay: McCain says Americans are finally behind the war and believe in Bush

Mitchell: no they are only turning to him because the others are empty suits

Klein: he's gone off the deep end he's a demagogue

Mitchell: but he did well in that debate!!!

Klein: you have no morals do you Andrea

Mitchell: what are those

Kay: Bush's BFF Musharraff is less popular in Pakistan than Osama

Rather: Afghanistan is fucked

Mitchell: Bill Clinton still bringing in Asian donors its bad

Klein: look at me I'm obsessed with Iraq

Tweety: i thought you were obsessed with Glen Greenwald

Klein: don't say that naaaaaaaaaaaameeeeeee!!!!!

Matthews: will Bush fight for ted olson?

Kay: are you kidding

Mitchell: of course

Klein: fucking liberals hate America


Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Republican Debate - September 5, 2007

Republican Debate
Fox News
New Hampshire
September 5, 2007
* Brit Hume
* Chris Wallace
* Other Guy
Brit Hume: Fred Thompson hasn't even announced and he's beating your cracker asses. What's up with that?

Huckabee: Thompson is a fucking loser he's like "no show George" - and I love new hampshire

Paul: i'm the only anti-war nutjob, so who gives a shit??

McCain: maybe we're up past Fred's bedtime ha ha ha zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hume: wake up stupid

McCain: you know Mo Udall was a loser like me and he was funny

Romney: For a dood with only one wife Fred Thompson is not all that bad

Rudy: that dood only pretends to be a badass NYC prosecutor -- shit i actually did it - what a pansy that hollywood shithead is

Hume: but he's so cool!

Rudy: yeah but i have real experience running snowplows this is no time for presidential rookies

Wallace: Romney you accuse Rudy of loving illegals but you couldn't even stop the mexicans from mowing your own front lawn

Romney: eh, it was all my wife's fault

Wallace: which one?

Romney: i dunno, number three or something

Wallace: Rudy if you were President would you turn America over to Mexico all at once or over a period time??

Rudy: hey when i was mayor NYC was the crime capital of America so i said to all the illegal criminals next time you're raped or murdered make sure you tell me about it

[ding ding]

Wallace: shut up you bore me

Wallace: McCain you love illegals why?

McCain: it's true the primary voters are hopeless racists but that is George W. Bush's fault

Wallace: what’s you plan Puffycheeks?

McCain: i would position a bunch of crazies on the border

Wallace: Hucky you say people who hate mexicans are racist why?

Huckabee: ‘cause they are motherfucker

Wallace: expand on your answer pleeze

Huckabee: we should outsource immigration enforcement to Fedex and Amazon


Huckabee: if you're looking for a mean motherfucuker then vote for Tancredeo not me

[ding ding!!!]

McCain: what!? Is Matlock on already!!??

Tancredo: i wish i could say that the other candidates are real racists but sadly i think they are only faking!!!

Wallace: everyone wants an 800 mile fence but what about the ranchers and farmers??

Hunter: dood it's a double fence and it's an awesome fence only an Olympian could jump over it

Wallace: what is it, like 3 feet high?

Hunter: fuck you and tell the farmers fuck you too

Wallace: good luck with that asshole

Cameron in diner: you look like an average nut, what do you think?

Massachusetts Cop: illegal immigrants have already broken one law so of course they will break more after all they love all the attention!!!

Rudy: hey i had 380,000 illegals living in my backyard but the answer is heat-seeking equipment and daily shakedowns of all brown people

McCain: my plan is to have all brown people wander around in a bureaucracy for 13 years that way we only get the really determined ones

Wallace: that's interesting

McCain: i was in Iraq and 2 illegals were killed there now that's progress!!

Romney: these fucking illegals are pouring in and it's all Rudy Giuliani's fault

Rudy: fuck you

Romney: aren't you italian?

Rudy: that's it, you're a dead man

Romney: typical hot blooded type

Black Guy: should Larry Craig go?

Brownback: it's all about family values after all that's my whole campaign - all of america's problems can be laid at the feet of Gays

Hunter: i hate larry craig - when our guys have problems we makes them leave when the Dems turn out to be gay Dems let them stay!!!


Hunter: my dad had a big penis


Romney: so do I

Host: abortion???

Romney: i aspirate against abortion

Host: huh?

Romney: hey dood i've never actually had one you know

Host: murder yes or no?

Romney: women are involved too you know

Audience: booooo

Huckabee: let me tell this fucking coal mining story one more stupid motherfucking time

Host: oh god just shut up

Host: Judy the Virginia Tech shooting would have been prevented with more guns and your city is evil

Rudy: no i accomplished the impossible all by myself NYC was safer than fucking disneyland

Black Host: Ron Paul was Archie Bunker right should all passenger be armed with guns?

Paul: of course it's a great idea you can't rely on the government to protect you

Host: are you crazy?

Paul: just pass out pistols at the beginning of every flight


New Hampshire-ite: i think gay marriage is fine

Brownback: look in Holland where they legalized gay marriage people stop getting married - everyone knows that - in fact i would require people to get married and have children and be Christian and--

Hume: shut up moron

Wallace: Squirrelface you say Rudy sucks, why?

McCain: look i was a fucking POW so the mayor can suck my dick

Wallace: Rudy, pushing snowplows is fine but you never even been to Iraq

Rudy: look i like the old man but if wants to suck my dick that's fine and i hope to go to Iraq if they can stand my starpower

Wallace: what's your record

Rudy: when i got there starving zombies wandered the streets of New York aborting Christian babies and i instituted a New Era when blacks were afraid for their lives


Host: Mitt Hillary is more pro war than you

Romeny: look Petraeus says everything is going great and so does Michael O'Hanlon and it's essential that we pretend we are winning and then start to pull troops out

Host: what the fuck is your plan

Romney: apparently the Surge is working

McCain: no, the Surge IS Working!!

Romeny: maybe!

McCain: No, it is between Surrender or Victory!!! I am the biggest War Critic which means we should never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever leave


Wallace: Ron Paul why do favor al Qaeda and genocide?

Paul: oh you mean those assholes who were wrong about everything Osama says leave Arabia and i say fine let's get the hell out

Wallace: so you would take our marching orders from Osama bin Laden???

Paul: fuck you you slimy bastard


Brownback: tom friedman told me we should split those towelheads up into three separate states

Black Host: but what about the oil!!!

Brownback: we use US troops to occupy those lands

Host: huh?

Brownback: no the Turks will invite us

Host: you mystify me

Huckabee: i love the troops so we should never leave Iraq

Paul: but a bunch of neocons tricked us into invading iraq

Huckabee: yes but we are one nation under god so we must stay in Iraq!!

Paul: dood we made a mistake lets just leave!

Huckabee: our honor is at stake!!

Paul: how many lives are worth your honor!!??


Hunter: We're winning in Al Anbar and did you know the Democratic Party had a whole debate never saying the troops are the Best Ever!!??

Host: How long are we there?

Hunter: well it's over now basically we won

Wallace: why do you want to pull out?

Tancredo: we are at War With Islam we have to stay until we have wiped out Islam

Hume: jeez even i think you're crazee

Cameron: people in this diner think you are all fucking nuts

Diner Deputy Sheriff: Romney what's your Iraq plan for Victory? Also i was very offended when you compared your Loser Sons to my Hero Son

Romeny: Radical islamic jihad. Global battlefield. Surge. Jihad. Global strategy. Jihad.

Wallace: surge, yes or no?

Romney: whatever Petreaus says

Wallace: pull troops out yes or no?

Romney: whatever the troops want to do

Host: wiretap muslims??

Romney: dammit, me again? Ok. Terror. Violence. Bad. Wiretap. Protect people.

Host: Civil liberties?

Romney: screw em there's only liberty one that counts and that's the right to be alive

Tancredo: omg the muslims are out to get us we have to waterboard and torture and kill people i'm really freaking out right now!!!!

McCain: i asked a friend of mine if we should torture people and he's said remember the Hanoi Hilton - so no

Tancredo: i luv torture

McCain: pansy

Host: Close Gitmo?

Rudy: no country will take terrorists even in their prisons they're too dangerous - the liberals want to release terrorists into New York and your bedrooms where they will sieze your white women and they want to surrender in Iraq and turn it into Terror Headquarters

Hunter: George W. Bush is a big liberal did you know those doods are eating honey glazed chicken and have great health care and no murders take place in Gitmo it's a fucking paradise

Brownback: Cheney is a loser and millions of terrorists are sneaking into America every year!!

Wallace: taxes?

McCain: the GOP is corrupt but i will stuff the pork in my cheeks - i've been doing it for years

Brownback: i signed the pledge not to raise taxes and John McCain won't - i hate the government we're taxed to the max that's why people get divorced

Host: i thought it was gay people

Brownback: gay... tax raisers... same thing

Rudy: i only take one pledge - the pledge to Crack Brown Skulls

Wallace: please bad mouth NYC some more

Rudy: NYC is full of stupid poopyhead tax raisers

Wallace: FiFi you raised taxes on blind people

Romney: the liberal Democrats made me do it - I will lower Bush's high taxes they're killing people!

Wallace: like what

Romney: cut investment taxes to zero

Wallace: national sales tax stupid idea???

Huckabee: no people wouldn't be penalized for getting rich so more people would finally get rich - and also it would end prostitution

Wallace: John Paul would you get rid of Homeland Security and the CIA???

Paul: hey they suck anyway

College Student: Rudy you married your cousin and you committed adultery

Rudy: hey being mayor was a very hard job and there were a lot of welfare cheats in NYC and i had to work off alot of stress and i remind you the mafia was after me and New York was a fucking hell-hole so sure i had an affair who wouldn't ??

Hume: ok let's play out a Crazy Scenario... Iran has invaded Iraq and even the UN says Iran has a Nuclear Bomb and they are about to attack Israel

Paul: hey we talked to the USSR let's all calm down don't you think Israel can nuke Iran anyway - but never go to war without the consent of Congress


Tancredo: let's not use the button but not back away

Hume: will no one join me in a war!?

Tancredo: Political Correctness will get us all killed!!

Hunter: We Must Penetrate the Earth with Special Weapons!!! They Might Re-Gift their Nukes!!!

Huckabee: the reality is that that would never happen

Hume: oh yes it would!!!

Huckabee: i would get down on my knees and pray for the right button to push

Brownback: Brit i think what you're saying is happening right now!! Remember The Ayatollah and Jimmy Carter???

Hume: oh baby

Brownback: i would invade Iran!!!

Rudy: the reality is that Iran will probably build a nuke and then give it to a bunch of terrorists

Hume: what's your plan

Rudy: oh noes i must keep the element of surprise

Hume: you can tell me

Rudy: Reagan pointed like a thousand missiles at the USSR

Hume: awesome

Romney: Democrats might surrender but i think they will work with us

Hume: no they won't - democrats hate America

Romney: my plan is we take the military option off the table and threaten them with it

Hume: do you even know what "off the table" means?

McCain: Iran is a bunch of Syria-loving anti-Semites i would do what Reagan did and make a secret deal with Iran and pretend i was too senile to know what i was doing if i got caught

Hume: and that's the final word on PsychoDebate 2007


Sunday, September 02, 2007

Meet the Press - September 2, 2007

Meet the Press
September 2, 2007

Larry Craig on tape: it with sadness and regret that I announce that I am a victim of a witchhunt and will now be joining the cast of La Cage Aux Folles

Mike Murphy: there's a feeling in the Pervert Party that we don't need more trouble and we got lots of it

Russert: Vitter did it too

Bob Shrum: yeah but you know he's got the wide stance when it comes to Teh Gay

Russert: Louisiana has a Democrat guvnah

Shrum: exactly right

James Carville: Craig was a hate filled psycho and yet you have to still pity him because he's so sick

Mary Matalin: let me make up total bullshit now - don't people have something better to do than obsess on other people sex lives oh dear i do have the vapors!!!

Russert: hey stupid he pleaded guilty

Matalin: hillary clinton is evil!!!!

Shrum: heh nice try Matalin if you didn't notice but it's your party which is obsessed with sex

Murphy: bloggers are McCarthyites why are they so obsessed with pointing out the hypocrisy of politicians who are obsessed with other people's sex lives??!!?

Murphy: oh so sad Mitt Romney is a graceless fucker but throwing Craig under the bus was smart

Carville: jeesus there is no humanity in these creepy fuckers Mitt Romney reminds me of Larry Craig the pontificating is just fucking ridiculous

Matalin: Democrats criticize Republicans therefore they are not normal - voters are sick of obsessing with sex why can't we just round up gays and shut them up

Shrum: jesus h christ the Pervert Party is fucking obsessed with demonizing people who have a different sexual orientation for god's sake that's all they do

Murphy: see you take a policy difference, for example taxes or spending or hating homosexuals and you take it so personally

Shrum: yes why on earth would anyone want to take it personally if someone told you had to drink from a different water fountain or forced you to wear a yellow star everywhere

Murphy: right those stars are very attractive! Why it's just a policy difference!

Russert: Thompson sexiest man alive?

Shrum: they all suck

Murphy: Thompson's campaign sucks but if he can raise money, have a good platform, perform well, then he will do well

Tim: wow what an insight

Catalin: i am a normal person and i hate it when people say voters will tag a candidate as elitist for something like gucci loafers why that GOP would never do something like that

Tim: but he's pro-abortion

Catalin: but he's got great jowls, he hates terror and loves Jeebus

Murphy: these motherfuckers all suck and Thompson is not a real conservative anyway

Timmeh: too lazy to win?

Murphy: uh dood ronald reagan my anything to you

Tim: ha ha ha ha ha

Carville: they're loosers

Matalin: your strange Beltway terms frighten and confuse me

Shrum: yes mary matalin: spokesman for the normal people everywhere -- ha ha ha

Tim: he'll be on Jay Leno and skip the debate

Carville: guess what people love that unfunny dood

Matalin: a majority of americans finally realize that we're are So Winning in Iraq - why it's lovely this time of year

Shrum: oh yes what a thrill ‘everything sucks but hey sometime it might not suck’- you run with that

Carville: hey stupid the people do not want a 15 year war

Matalin: Congress demanded signs of progress and Bush is going to give them signs of progress so what's the problem

Shrum: Petraeus says 10 years of war and the people don't want that you stupid bitch

Matalin: hey fat asshole the people don't want an immediate pullout

Shrum: no one is saying that she's lying

[Matalin frowns]

Shrum: go ahead make that sour face your party is going down

Russert: Pollz say

-Edwards and Obama likeable
-Clinton is leaderlike
-Change is Obama
-Terror, Iraq belong to Hillary

Carville: Hillary is a fighter but hey Obama is skilled and Edwards lives in Iowa but the best news is she owns Iraq even though she supports the war

Tim: is Hillary Playing the Terror Card?

Carville: jesus tim what the fuck does that question even mean

Shrum: is she playing politics - dood she's a politician running for office

Russert: but i like saying 'playing the card'

Shrum: iowa could be important

Murphy: Bill Richardson could deliver voters to Obama

Russert: Oooh a scary Asian Man gave money to Hillary Clinton it's just like Johnny Chung!!!!!

Matalin: Hillary is evil as we all know for example did you know Larry Craig having sex in a bathroom is her fault???

Timmy: no but that makes sense

Matalin: all she had to do was screen the asian donors for god's sake

Murphy: did this money come from asian lead based poisonous toys????

Carville: give me a fucking break

Russert: Oooh a scary Asian Man gave money to Hillary Clinton it's just like Johnny Chung!!!!!

Matalin: Hillary is evil as we all know for example did you know Larry Craig having sex in a bathroom is her fault???

Timmy: no but that makes sense

Matalin: all she had to do was screen the asian donors for god's sake

Murphy: did this money come from asian lead based poisonous toys????

Carville: give me a fucking break wasn't Rudy's guy indicted for cocaine charges

Murphy: Obama is the perfect change agent

Elizabeth Edwards: pervert party hates Hillary so vote for John

Carville: hey saying GOP doesn't like someone is not a good reason not to vote for 'em

Russert: this debate will continue in barbecues across america

Audience: dood get a life


The Chris Matthews Show - September 2, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show
September 2, 2007

Chris Matthews: Geoge Bush is smaht he's got into Iraq!!

Howard Fineman: i know the guy and we're never leaving

Matthews: can he see reality?

Katty Kay: there is no indication that he can but he thinks that in 100 years there will not only be a square named after him but a whole country - The Wonderful Democracy of Busharabia

Gloria Borger: he is arrogant but in his defense he believes that he is smarter than everyone else

Richard Stengel: duh - the Generals tell Bush wants to hear - that God chose him to deliver the Iraqis to freedom he's like an incompetent moses

Fineman: He's trying to prevent the Republicans from cleaving also he needs to keep them from the men's rooms of Al Anbar

Kay: the Republicans feel they have the wind at their backs of course that could be a hurricane

Matthews: he's going to get the money for the war - he's winning this fight!!!

Borger: well of course we've had military progress but now everyone hates Maliki

Matthews: i know that's so sad

Kay: jeesus there is no military progress

Fineman: there is no reality only what gets Republicans to fake it

Matthew: War For-Ev-Ah!!!

Matthews: here are the Singing Senators gee that isn't gay at all

[ Plays Clip of Creepy Barbershop Senatorial Show ]

Tweety: John Ashcroft, who lost to a dead guy; Jim Jeffords, who throw the Pervert Party overboard; Trent Lott, Jim Crow nostalgia buff; and now Larry Craig R-Whydothesehomosexualskeepsuckingmycock

Matthews: Holee Shit you mean people who say they are better than everyone else aren't always being exactly honest OMG!!!!!!!!

Katty Kay: good god don't throw stones if you live a fucking glass house

Stengel: oh please this whole idea of hypocrisy is overplayed everyone knows it's not hypocrisy if you say one thing and do another that's just principled

Fineman: Dems should leaflet the Megachurches and depress the hell out of them

Matthews: tell me something I don’t know

Kay: people in Europe don't care about Iraq maybe if it was in techno-disco format

Stengel: this week i come out in favor of other people doing stuff for america

Borger: Sens. Chambliss and Alexander are next

Matthews: they're gay too!?

Fineman: Chris Dodd got the endorsements of firefighters this is just what he need to move up to 2% in the polls

Matthews: wow i'm gonna OD on Chris DoOD!!

Matthews: Will edwards win in Iowa

Kay: no

Stengel: i dunno

Borger: yes and no by 1%

Fineman: i don't know but he's in a lose lose situation

Matthews: next week - who will win the superbowl in 2009!!


The McLaughlin Group - September 2, 2007

The McLaughlin Group
September 2, 2007

John McLaughlin Intro: Behold The Great Orange Sataaaaaaaannn!!!!

Anyone can log on the Intertubes can create a "web blog" and it's crazeeee!!!!!!
Why they're better than NBC but what about the unwashed masses!!!??

McLaughlin: blogs are too bloggy yes or no!?!?!?!?

Buchanan: Drudge Rulez my World!!

McLaughlin: but that's not journalism that's news aggregating

Scott Grant: dood there's some good blogs but it's all about freedom and first amendment!

Randall: dood why not there are small newspapers and big ones and some big ones and the big ones suck

Ana: who cares it's just a term

McLaughlin: but what about journalism?

Ana: dood have you read some of the crap in the famous papers??

McLaughlin: In order to be a journalist You Have to Use the Telephone Before Reporting a Lie

Buchanan: dood when was the last time someone from the McLaughlin made a phone call jeez

Ana: not to mention there are better journalists on the net

McL: The Internet took down George Allen and CNN!!! Look at the dood who asked Obama is wanted to meet Kim Jong-Il cause he could totally hook him up

Ana: interesting phenomenon but really it's still about the campaigns

McL: it was an excellent question

Randall: yes it was

Buchanan: hey they selected good questions

Ana: and they had a point of view

McL: bloggers are a school of pirhanas they're gotcha journalists!!!

Ana: huh?

McL: they're all eating jelly doughnuts

Grant: that's stupid

Ana: it's all good

McL: Federal Shield Law??

Grant: it's got to be expansive

Randall: we don't need a shield law and we never have

McL: do journalists have to be paid or can unwashed bloggers do it too

Buchanan: no shield law period!!

Panel: won't pass

McL: what's the impact of the Internet and Rupert Murdoch on journalism

Ana: he's frankenstein who will create a crazy hybrid monster of news

McL: he's fundamentally a newsman

Ana: no he's fundamentally an entertainer

McL: can newspapers survive

Panel: yes or they will die