Meet the Press - May 31, 2009

Host: David Gregory
Guests:
Sen. Patrick Leahy, Chair Judiciary Committee
Sen. Jeff Sessions, Judiciary Committee
Jim Owens - CEO Caterpiller
Anne Mulcahy - CEO Xerox
Eric Schmidt - CEO Google
********************************
Gregory: let's start our discussion of Sonia Sotomayor by adopting Republican talking
points in their entirety

Leahy: of course

Gregory: if you look at her statements about wise latinas it looks like they are quite innocuous
- so is this terrible??

Sessions: yes it's very troubling - judges are supposed to be vampires not latin queens

Gregory: let us quote Rush Limbaugh some more

Leahy: of course

Gregory: is Sotomayor is a bigot and a racist?

Leahy: um right

Gregory: Rush Limbaugh says she is like David Duke which we must take very seriously

Sessions: she said being a woman and latina would affect her view of the law which is outrageous
no white man would ever do that

Gregory: Justice Taney was actually an
alien from the planet Xenu

Leahy: let's face it - Rush Limbaugh is
the leader of the GOP

Sessions: [ sobs ]

Leahy: she went to Yale and became a prosecutor she's not a member of the Ku Klux Klan

Sessions: that's true - I never saw her at
any of the meetings

Leahy: she's had many years of experience
and is very qualified

Gregory: i don't want to talk about that -- I want
to talk about the nonsensical ravings
of Rush Limbaugh

Leahy: the stories about you being a moron
were in no way exagerrated

Gregory: Judge Alito talked about his Italian heritage

Sessions: well white men should be encouraged to have empathy for the little regular people

Gregory: if we can find any

Sessions: exactly it's so rare

Gregory: according to her decision
in the Ricci case she hates all white firefighters

Leahy: that was judicial restraint which
the GOP always says they want

Sessions: yeah but some Hispanic guy
said she was wrong

Gregory: i thought race didn't matter

Sessions: tell that to Clarence Thomas

Gregory: When he was a Senator Obama
said ideology matters - which is it?

Leahy: i can only speak for myself - but i think we should have a hearing before Newt tweets from Dachau that she wants to prevent Christians
from owning guns

Sessions: oooh good one

[ scribbles talking point down ]

Leahy: we have to work the hearings around the major hispanic holidays like the Festival of the Dead and Hate Whitey day

Sessions: I think we should give her a fair hearing before we accuse her of legislating from the bench based on the Ricci case where she let the local government actions stand

Gregory: good luck with that

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG GM is going bankrupt
this is bad for America

Owens: they couldn't sell cars too damm bad

Gregory: is going bankrupt a bad idea?

Mulcahy: my keen business sense says yes

Gregory: aha!

Mulcahy: but unavoidable

Gregory: can the US still be the best in manufacturing?

Schmidt: yes we can lead the world
in blogging, tweeting, and LOLCATs

Gregory: have we heard from Obama when they
are going to finally adopt failed Republican policies??

Schmidt: we've got have smaller government
and have more rules to prevent businesses failing

Gregory: the government running
a car company is a scary prospect!

Owens: compete blah costs blah profits blah blah

Mulcahy: Once GM can tell its older workers to fuck off they will be on the road to prosperity

Gregory: yay!

Gregory: can we have a market bubble back??

Schmidt: this is a classic recovery -
unemployment is going to peak in 2010

Gregory: awesome

Mulcahy: the big question is can we get people
back to photocopying again!

Gregory: well people are copying lots of
resumes and bankruptcy filings

Mulcahy: thank god!

Owens: The Michael Scott Paper company
has severely cut into our business!

Gregory: can you still make money in America?

Owens: sadly no

Mulcahy: r u kidding?

Gregory: what are the top searches on Google?

Schmidt: susan boyle, funny cats and penis enlargement

Gregory: ha you read my mind!

Gregory: stimulus package?

Owens: it's awesome but we need more

Gregory: China is overstimulating!!

Mulcahy: it's all that MSG

Gregory: I'm very frightened by what's next

Owens: we're hoping to sell more earth movers to Israel

Mulcahy: we need to think about our lifestyles
and whether we are copying enough documents

Schmidt: America will recover faster than other nations because of our superior online maps

Gregory: will you be my Google Wave Friend?

Schmidt: no

Gregory: will wealth return??

Mulcahy: it’s still not safe to eat caviar it’s gauche

Owens: i'm already rich - i just want to be richer

Schmidt: California's problems are unique
- people there are selfish and short-sighted

Gregory: oh thank god that's not
like the rest of the U.S.

Gregory: what's the deal with women in business?

Mulcahy: we have a deep bench - watch out fluffyhaid!

[ break ]

Gregory: you were allowed the Obama white house!

Williams: I for one think our viewers
will welcome our new Negro Overlords

Gregory: and our Wise Latina Justices!

Williams: indeed

Gregory: Sessions is very troubled by her hispanic empathyness

Kay: i heard you were a moron

Gregory: huh?

Kay: oh pleez he praised Alito for having empathy
- this is all bullshit

Gregory: women in business?

Kay: we've moved beyond shoulder pads

Gregory: i liked the shoulder pads

Gregory: what is the Obama White House like?

Williams: he runs from room to room eating all the white M&Ms

Gregory: oh my
*********************************

The Chris Matthews Show - May 31, 2009

Matthews: OMG Sotomayor is a hawt Latina!!

Obama: you're fucking right!

Whitaker: she's a three-fer -- hispanic, female and from the Bronx

Kornbluth: the Republicans would have opposed Joan of Arc

Matthews: that uppity hallucinating bitch!

Heileman: she's actually a centrist but she helps them with 25% of the population

Chris: irish catholics?

Heileman: no Hispanics dumbass

Matthews: she's such a risky choice what with the Yale degree and the ovaries

Cooper: it's not risky, it's brilliant

Matthews: let me quote Rush Limbaugh on her legal decisions

Cooper: of course

Heileman: hey stupid - in Ricci she let the local government decision stand that's judicial restraint

Matthews: but Reverse Discrimination! Reagan Democrats! la Raza!

Heileman: that was 30 years ago weirdo

Matthews: how can someone get on the court if they were ever reversed by the Supreme Court?!?

Cooper: that hasn't happened - but if it did that would be bad - it would prove she's stupid

Whitaker: no it would show the Courts interpreting law

Matthews: will she ramrod the men?

Kornbluth: did you miss you psychiatric appointment this week Tweety?

Matthews: what if Obama continues favoring minorities and women???

Heileman: get used to it Tweetums

Matthews: it will be hot fight this summer!

Cooper: hola!

Whitaker: ay caramba!

Kornbluth: y quiero sotomayor!

Heileman: ayyi!

Matthews: Obama can't possibly compete with a heroic WWII veteran like Ronald Reagan when he goes to Normandy

Heileman: that's irrelevant - this trip is about reaching out to crazy muslims

Cooper: right he has to unite Arabs and Israelis which should be easy for him

Whitaker: he will reach out in public and then tell the moderates in the middle east it's up to them

Matthews: which moderates?

Whitaker: Bibi and Hamas

Kornbluth: Obama is trying to talk around the Muslim filter

Matthews: pierce the veil!

Whitaker: Obama is hoping liberals get elected in Iran

Matthews: or else what?

Whitaker: Obama will have to declare war

Kornbluth: California is utter crisis - it's fun!

Heileman: California will have a new reverse ballot initiative to repeal the old ballot initiative to rewrite the Constitution again

Tweety: wow!

Matthews: talk Gitmoe to me!

Cooper: lose it

Whitaker: hey ho it's got to go!

Kornbluth: it's not as much fun as you've heard

Heileman: NIMBY wins as always!

************************************

Meet The Press with Dick Durbin and Newt Gingrich

Meet The Press
May 24, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Dick Durbin
Newt Gingrich
*********************************

Gregory: what are we going to do with all these terrorists at Gitmo - let's listen to President Cheney!!!

Durbin: may I remind you that dick's lies and fear mongering cost 4,000 American lives

Gregory: but harry reid says these super terrorists are too powerful to allow on american soil

Durbin: well who gives a shit what he thinks

Gingrich: do you want to protect America or adhere to basic values?

Gregory: how long do you want to keep Gitmo open?

Gingrich: until the war is over

Gregory: when does that happen

Gingrich: look it’s simple we just keep torturing people until hate for America disappears

Gregory: what about their super powers to convert other prisoners to jihad??

Durbin: hey even Bush wanted to close Gitmo

Gregory: what is the source for evidence that Gitmo increases terrorism??

Durbin: the U.S. military dood

Gregory: yeah but they invaded Iraq - how can you trust the US military?

Gingrich: look we were attacked on 9/11 before Gitmo these are bad poopyheaded people!!

Durbin: would like a blankie?

Gregory: these terrorists have crazy super abilities - one of them has the ability to throw television sets several feet through the air!!

Durbin: is there someone non-insane I can talk to?

Gingrich: did you know 9/11 was planned from Attica?

Gregory: oh my god - we have to close all prisons!

Durbin: I heard you were a moron

Newt: war blah terror blah bad guys blah magneto

Gregory: would you be ok with putting al qaeda in Illinois - which i might point out has many white people

Durbin: it's a supermax prison fluffyhead - not Disneyland

[clips]

Obama: we should use common sense

Cheney: we should not give terrorists a nuclear weapon and a passport to America

Gingrich: Cheney is driven by guilt for allowing 9/11 to happen - after all he is responsible for 3,000 deaths

Gregory: well i sleep very well at night

Gingrich: also Obama is torturing people all the time

Gregory: no he isn't

Gingrich: that's relevant only if the truth matters

Gregory: has Obama kept us less safe

Gingrich: yes because Obama and Pelosi telling the truth is very threatening to the CIA

Gregory: good point

Gingrich: look do you want to protect America or do you want to tell the truth cause you can't have both

Durbin: oh fuck you and your fear mongering - George W Bush rejected Newt and Rush and Dick Cheney - Colin Powell agrees with Obama

Gingrich: look at the massacres of the Cole bombing and the Khobar Towers - we must be very very afraid

Gregory: indeed

Gingrich: they almost took out a library in Los Angeles!!

Gregory: that is scary - I’ve been meaning to read a book someday

Gingrich: i belong to the political camp that says we must cower under our beds

Durbin: well there you have it - it's whiny ass titty baby bed wetting like that got us into Iraq

Gregory: isn't Obama just like Bush?

Durbin: no

Gregory: [ grinning ] yes he is!

Durbin: you're a fucking idiot

Gregory: Newt you make vague unsupported accusations against Nancy Pelosi which are hypothetical and without foundation

Gingrich: that's right

Gregory: Durbin what about that?

Durbin: good god you are stupid

Gingrich: look it would be illegal to mislead Nancy Pelosi therefore it didn't happen

Gregory: right

Gingrich: in my opinion whatever the truth is she should hold a press conference and say she was wrong

Gregory: regardless of whether it is true

Gingrich: right - because the CIA are putting lives on the line for America

Gregory: their lives?

Gingrich: no dummy the terrorists they killed while torturing them

Durbin: hey both Newt and Hoekstra said the CIA lied to them - should you apologize

Gingrich: no that's different that was a specific incident of the CIA lying

Durbin: so how is that different from Nancy Pelosi

Gingrich: she's a woman and you know who they are with their unclean times of the month would you want one in tank or foxhole with you

Gregory: are you saying she has cooties

Gingrich: Democrats drowned susan smith's children!!

Gregory: ok ok we'll move on crazy person

Gregory: Obama wants a Supreme Court nominee with heart - isn't that troubling?

Gingrich: yes but the real test will be whether he nominates a Republican or a radical crazy centrist

Durbin: or like a human

Gregory: Rush or Colin - choose!

Gingrich: no i choose Reagan - he always tried to reach out the conservatives and white racists

Gregory: will you lose the Presidency in 2012?

Gingrich: i am seriously considering it

[ break ]

Gregory: talk terror to me

Todd: Obama is going to hold prisoners of war!!

Greogry: wow!

Todd: it's Gitmo On The Hudson!

Gregory: Cuba without the palm trees!

Todd: Attica Libre!

Robinson: doods the difference is that Obama will follow the law

Lowry: Obama has embraced the Bush anti-terror program

Robinson: no he hasn't sparkle boy

Lowry: he smeared torture tactics and he should be honest and admit conservatives are right about everything

Norris: it's amazing to me - Obama's not afraid of Cheney

Todd: Obama and Cheney have the same positions but people like Obama

Gregory: look Cheney has the final word - you can't compromise on brown people wanting to kill us!

Robinson: i heard you were a fucking hack

Gregory: [ combs hair ]

Robinson: Obama is rejecting Cheney in every way

Lowry: would we like a conservative spokesman with 70% approval but where is someone with that high approval?

Robinson: the White House

Lowry: [ sobs ]

Lowry: recall that back in 2002 we all wanted to torture - like I wanted to torture my little brother

Gregory: nancy pelosi says she didn't know - but whether she didn't or did why didn't she speak out!!??

Norris: dude you are making no sense

Gregory: she accused the CIA of lying!

Todd: they were all briefed on waterboarding but we all thought it was a ride at Epcot

Todd: Murtha blah blah

Lowry: Pelosi is clearly wounded by the false accusations against her

Gregory: right

Lowry: the fact that she didn't speak out proves that it isn't torture

Gregory: thus vindicating both Newt Gingirch and the Spanish Inquisition!

Torquemada: fuck yeah!

Gregory: what would justice be for Dick Cheney?

Robinson: too see him on trial in one of those glass booths like they gave Adolf Eichmann

Gregory: Dick in a box

Robinson: exactly

Gregory: is empathy the worst thing ever?

Norris: the Constitution is 200 years ago and the law is a river - it's wide and deep and choppy

Todd: he has to nominate centrist so he can reform health care

Gregory: that is so meta goatee boy

Lowry: as an expert on wanking i can tell you Republicans are frustrated that even businesses are on board with health reform

Gregory: so they are more determined to protect big businesses than businesses are

Lowry: the Life of a Lonely Fascist

Gregory: who do you choose - Rush or Colin?

Lowry: Cheney is an idiot - you need both in the GOP - the drug addicted obese lying hate-filled liars and the disgraced former generals who sold their souls to lie us into an unnecessary war

Gregory: makes sense to me
**********************

The Chris Matthews Show - May 24, 2009

The Chris Matthews Show
May 24, 2009

Matthews: OMG dick cheney says mass murderers are still out to get us!!

Duffy: Obama seemed very uncertain and hesitant and it was strange to see him standing in front of these weird old pieces of paper

Kay: Cheney caught the white house flat-footed by insisting that only boiling people alive can keep America safe

Matthews: why is Cheney doing so well??

Ignatius: He's not Chris -- he's a crazy lunatic

Matthews: OMG Obama is going to bring scary terrorists to live our suburban day-care centers!!!

Loven: we have no details on what Obama intends to do with the detainees

Ignatius: except for the 2 hour speech he gave last week

Loven: well yeah

Ignatius: this idea we have to be afraid of terrorists in a Supermax prison is petty and crazy

Kay: they're scared and fear-mongering like they always do

Duffy: Obama is just like Bush except when he's not - but the liberal bloggers are mad at him

Loven: the terrorists are horrible!!

Ignatius: oh for god's sake McLoven calm the fuck down

Matthews: who is winning this debate - dick cheney or barack obama?

Panel: 11 out of 12 say Obama

Matthews: so lets' talk to the one person who thinks Cheney is winning!

Kay: Cheney is so scary he rules our world

Loven: I'm worried that he's losing his mystique

Matthews: OMG here are the four funny moments from the 18 years of the Jay Leno era!!!

[ shows clip ]

Tweety: ha!

Matthews: OMG Obama wants to be re-elected!!!

Duffy: he's the most efficient cyborg ever to be elected President

Loven: oh yeah he seems really to be want to be re-elected

Matthews: he's got the blacks, hispanics, kids, and non-morons

Kay: he's got the bloggers and all the weirdos with their internets and twitterings and facebookings

Loven: they're very smart and subtle - they don't talk they just win

Matthews: they key to winning is to run against a Republican and a real loser

Ignatius: well that shouldn't be hard to find

Matthews: tell me some news!

Loven: the white house loves the attacks from liberal bloggers - it makes him look centrist

Ignatius: obama has moved on - he's giving a speech in Cairo

Tweety: what about?

Ignatius: he's going to demand to know if there is really a secret chamber under the Sphinx

Tweety: ha!

Matthews: will Obama attack Iran??

Ignatius: we must stop Iran and i will keep writing novels until we have victory!

Matthews: maybe Israel can just nuke the place

Loven: Obama got played by Bibi

Duffy: what's the rush Chris?

Matthews: we need another middle east war!
**************************

The Daily Show with Newt Gingrich - May 19, 2009

Stewart: so what r teh 5 principles to a successful life

Gingrich: lie, smear lie lie and teh smearing

Stewart: let me bash pelosi for u

Gingrich: Nanci bashed teh CIA in teh middle of
teh awesomest war and that's very very bad

Stewart: true

Gingrich: teh CIA will never tell Nanci teh best secrets about thumbscrewz and teh
iron maidens nao!!!!!

Stewart: Nanci lied but so waht

Gingrich: she coulda admitted she was teh female and had teh hysteria but instead
she tortured peeps

Stewarts: heee heee

Stewart: the Repubicans are teh suck but u say
its teh awesomest ever!!!

Gingrich: teh american peeps hate liberls democrats so they elected liberasl democrats!!!

Stewart: is obama a tyrannical socialists!?

Gingrich: hes a commie!!!

Stewart: Bush gave bailouts to AIG

Gingrich: no that wuz tim geithners fault!!

Stewart: thats crazeee

Gingrich: they iz in ur industriezz taking over ur carz

Stewart: Bush is teh socialisz?

Gingrich: is just dumb and dumberz

Stewarts: bush is dumb?

Gingrich: he iz!!!

Meet the Press - May 17, 2009

Guests:
Tim Kaine, DNC Chair
Michael Steele, RNC Chair
**************************

Gregory: Obama has created controversy by taking a popular political position and speaking at a catholic school!

Steele: speaking for all catholics, i can tell you that they should not have given this child murderer a degree - also non-catholics are also troubled because let's face it Notre Dame's football team belongs to us all

Kaine: well there you go again with your big government put-women-in-prison attitude

Gregory: is Obama backtracking on abortion?? After all he hasn't had one since he was elected

Kaine: give him time

Gregory: how pro abortion is Obama?

Steele: oh he's crazy all up and supporting abortion - I'm very concerned that he's not supporting Planned Parenthood and also he watched "Rudy" on tv the other day - dude you can't have it both ways!!

Kaine: well that's stupid

Gregory: name one pro abortion Republican

Steele: Christie Todd Whitman

Gregory: yeah i heard from her about 10 years ago

Gregory: should we have empathy in judges?

Steele: hey fucker we don't need judges with feelings - we need a robot or a lizard or a dick cheney - an unfeeling monster who hates people

Kaine: I think judges need to consider how the law affects human beings

Steele: you don't need to judges to feel sorry for people or being overly sensitive or having a bad day or going through that time of the month

Kaine: people who like people are lucky people

Steele: well i hate people and we need judges who do too

Gregrory: Pelosi apparently waterboarded lots of people

Kaine: that's a lie

Gregory: but the CIA says she knew

Kaine: that's a lie as well

Steele: the central question on torture is what did nancy pelosi know and when did she know it

Gregory: should we have a truth commission?

Steele: yeah let’s sure investigate Pelosi’s complicity on torture fucker

Kaine: so we agree it was torture and we agree it was wrong

Steele: no no no the point is Nancy Pelosi is the focus on whatever bullshit we can throw out

Gregrory: was it torture?

Steele: oh i shouldn't say after all I'm a moron

Gregory: c'mon you can tell us

Steele: no I have no opinion on boiling people in oil

Gregory: is torture wrong?

Steele: dude who can say

Gregory: Cheney is pro torture

Steele: he's just a private citizen - who cares?

Gregory: but Cheney says he prefers Rush to Powell

Steele: i like all Republicans from Rush to Schwarzenegger Reagan to Mary Bono and Gopher in the Love Boat

Kaine: except for Arlen Specter

Steele: no that's different he's never been in any bad movies

Gregory: so you embrace every Republican except those who voted for the stimulus bill

Steele: that's a dealbreaker because they worked with Obama

Gregory: your party is fucked

Steele: it's true that we have bad ideas but it's important have balance with truth and lies

Gregory: Is Obama backtracking on promises he made to liberals on torture pictures!

Kaine: no he's copyrighted those photos and he's going to put out a special commermorative coffee table book

Steele: this fucking President reversed the order banning abortions overseas

Gregory: um what?

Steele: also he stopped the GOP plan to give poor black kids a free college education

Kaine: you're a loony

Gregory: health care reform is too expensive isn't it?

Kaine: no we must have it to save money

Steele: no one is talking about the most important issue - tort reform!

Gregory: oh

Steele: also we must have a table with insurers and the drug companies at it

Kaine: well fine we can make a deal then

Steele: well fine let's do tort reform and all our problems will be solved

Gregrory: is Obama a socialist?

Steele: he's my buddy and that's all that matters

Gregrory: so he's not a socialist?

Steele: i dunno

Gregory: the president mocked your attempt to reach out to blacks!

Steele: whazzup! [ puts hat on backwards ]

Gregory: [ attempts high five, misses ]
well it works better with karl rove

[ break ]

Gregrory: what the hell is wrong with the GOP?

Brownstein: they're driving out everyone who isn't a southern conservative christian lunatic

Noonan: i like a big tent with big tent poles

Gregrory: huh?

Noonan: their epic failure is just what they need to come back better than ever

Gregrory: what else

Noonan: they need to speak the english language which the current administration doesn't do so good

Gregory: you mean "well"

Nooner: you're a gooder talker

Gregory: you spoke with Obama

Meacham: yes they are falling apart like the Democrats in 1980

Gregory: so they will come back in 12 years!

Meachem: Obama keeps getting lucky

Haas: Obama is a good guy but he may not be imperial enough

Gregory: Pelosi says she was told waterboarding did not take place which means she knew!

Brownstein: oh no!

Gregory: Panetta said that the CIA doesn't usually lie

Brownstein: this isn't about the truth about torture - it's really about blaming Obama for everything Bush did

Gregory: oh my

Brownstein: Pelosi's inflammatory and that's bad in Washington DC

Noonan: this is shocking - the end result might be that people will ask questions and the truth might come out

Gregory: the only issue we need to talk about is why didn't the Democrats stop our hero George Bush from doing evil things

Haas: Democrats were scared of looking unpatriotic - why don't Democrats save us the GOP in the face of accusations that they hate America?

Audience: ah the story of the last 30 years

Gregory: Haas you're a hawk but you're calling for limited imperial wars

Meacham: Obama's like Spock - he believes getting stuck in a land war in Asia is not logical

Gregory: but does that mean that every 7 years he invades a random nation?

Meacham: Bush is a Klingon - warlike but put much stake on honor

Haas: Cheney is romulan - tricky and evil

Gregory: Obama seems like a pragmatist who plays 3 dimensional chess

Brownstein: he's coopting insurers and drug companies

Gregory: smart

Brownstein: then he got coal makers to agree on his energy plan

Gregory: that’s great - raising the question - but is he doing too much?

Noonan: speaking for regular Americans i can say they are very concerned about the large projected deficit and that Obama is doing a million things and the people don't like that

Meacham: I agree the Presidencies of Reagan and Bush show how people fret about the debt

Noonan: see!

Meacham: i was kidding stupid - i think the American people are grown-up enough to have a smart and busy president

Noonan: oh pooh

The Chris Matthews Show - May 17, 2009

Matthews: OMG Dick Cheney says Obama a bad guy!!!

Fineman: his daughter says dick iz teh BEST!!!!

Matthews: he takes a decision not to torture innocent people as a personal insult

Fineman: no one questions Cheney's love of America and torture

Guthrie: sure people hate Cheney - but if they didn't that would be bad for Obama

Sullivan: the guy is a fucking psychopath and a war criminal!!!

Matthews: he wanted a guy tortured so he could prove al qaeda-iraq connection

Sullivan: that's a horrible abuse of power!

Norris: Cheney is trying to poison the jury against him

Matthews: using the media to muddle the message - that's smart

Norris: no he's actually trying to use poison to kill his enemies

Fineman: the big question is - does torture make us safer?

Tweety: is Cheney still calling the shots ha!

Panel: no!

Tweety: so your saying the White House is listening to Cheney

Panel: umm, no stupid

Norris: OMG Pelosi denied she knew about torture you know how the Beltway likes a denial!

Matthews: she's against a truth commission because she'll be under oath

Norris: actually she's in favor of it

Fineman: she may be telling the truth but that just means she's stupid or something

Sullivan: i think US soldiers deserve a war with integrity

Guthrie: this whole torture debate makes everyone look bad - both the people telling the truth and the liars

Matthews: OMG laura ingraham and Rush hate empathy!!!

Guthrie: Obama will be pragmatic but a liberal with his Supreme Court appointment

Fineman: he believes in teh law and not politics

Matthews: will he give us a grandstanding liberal activist?

Norris: yes he's going to nominate sean penn

Matthews: OMG!!!!

Norris: he wants someone with real world experience like in corporate law

Sullivan: human beings are important to Obama

Matthews: wait til Cheney find out!

Matthews: no drama obama?

Norris: Obama wants someone who can tell Scalia to fuck off

Sullivan: and challenge the firepower of Thomas

Tweety: huh?

Sullivan: just kidding mate

Fineman: Obama's West Wing work harder than any other administration ever

Tweety: wow where does that come from?

Fineman: Obama, fucker!

*******************

Meet The Press - May 10, 2009

Meet The Press
May 10, 2009
Guests:
Asif Ali Zardari of Pakistan
Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan
************************************
Gregory: can the Taliban take down Pakistan?

Zardari: what goes up must come down

Gregory: which is more dangerous the Taliban or India?

Zardari: Simon Cowell

Gregory: is it America's war or Pakistan's war?

Zardari: it's our problem - but one which you created

Gregory: how many troops do you have fighting the Taliban

Zardari: more than you do dipshit

Gregory: so why not have more?

Zardari: well they're not all soldiers - there's the band and choir and glee club

Gregory: the US Congress thinks that you suck

Zardari: oh fuck those assholes

Gregory: do you have any strategy?

Zardari: yes - get America to step up and win this war

Gregory: what else

Zardari: support democracy and the system

Gregory: that's how you defeat a violent insurgency??

Zardari: hey it's all I got - you got any better ideas fluffyhead?

Gregory: it seems like you're not doing a very good job

Zardari: well let me respond this way - fuck you

Gregory: did you make a deal with the Taliban?

Zardari: hey howie mandel had me down to 2 briefcases - I had no choice

Gregory: did you appease the Taliban?

Zardari: Parliament made me do it

Gregory: what is you fucking plan?

Zardari: we have a long-term plan to lose to the Taliban

Gregory: I must tell you sir that some people see the Pakistani state collapsing

Zardari: hey anything could happen - but we outnumber the insurgents

Gregory: that's it??

Zardari: we need the whole world to get together and win this thing!

Gregory: who's side on you really on??

Zardari: give me more money than AIG and I will
tell you the answer

Gregory: but you support the Taliban as an anti-India buffer

Zardari: damm right

Gregory: but that’s appeasement

Zardari: hey motherfucker you supported a dictator who
imprisoned me and killed my wife

Gregory: do you have any power in your own country?

Zardari: i don't know

Gregory: who the fuck is in charge of Pakistan

Zardari: i am - in strong consultation with the military

Gregory: it seems like they order you around

Zardari: you're very rude - you should give me money and i will
tell you whatever you want to hear

Gregory: I’m sorry that was pre-Obama

Zardari: fuck

Gregory: Attack of the drones?

Zardari: i want my own toy drones dammit

Gregory: where is Osama?

Zardari: he's like Patrick Swayze in Ghost or Obi Wan Kenobi - more powerful dead than alive

Gregory: he's really not dead as long as we remember him

Zardari: like Spock

Greggers: exactly Ali

[ break ]

Gregory: your country sucks - it is too little, too late to save your nation?

Karzai: ah i recall when the international community came to us in 2001

Gregory: the invasion?

Karzai: ah yes

Gregory: so it is too late?

Karzai: ah yes your Bush is quite a fuck-up

Gregory: since Obama became President i just became concerned about civilian casualties

Karzai: ah yes I noticed that

Gregory: so

Karzai: please stop bombing our villages thank you

Gregory: why is it that this issue bothers you so much?

Karzai: the dead children - ah well that's just the people you know how they are

Gregory: is your country pathetic and fucked?

Karzai: no not all we have many students studying abroad

Gregory: were you wrong about the Taliban being fucked

Karzai: ah no no

Gregory: but they are back and better than ever!

Karzai: ah but in 2001 they ran the country and no they only run most of the country

Gregory: can we reconcile with some of the Taliban?

Karzai: just regular Taliban we want to reconcile with - but the al qaeda-types - those we don't like

Gregory: can Pakistan defeat the Taliban

Karzai: sure

Gregory: do you have confidence in that guy I just interviewed

Karzai: that chump - not really

Gregory: do you hate America just because we kill civilians every day

Karzai: oh no, not all - why would you think that dancing dave

Gregory: gee i don't know

Karzai: i have a very pro-American message - why do think I am sitting through this horrible interview?

Gregory: why don't you love us?

Karzai: because the US is killing our children

Gregory: are you calling the US immoral??

Karzai: no no no not all - I am calling your actions immoral

Gregory: ah

Gregory: well we're America so we can't do anything wrong of course

Karzai: yes but you should aim for a higher morality than the terrorists - do you see my point fluffyhead?

Gregory: yeah but we're fighting really, really bad supervillians

Karzai: ah of course that goes without saying - but eventually we will get fed up with you and your asshole ways

Gregory: the media aren't that bad

Karzai: i meant the bombing stupid

Gregory: did you sign a law giving men permission to rape the wives?

Karzai: i signed the law but to be fair I thought i was banning gay marriage

Gregory: so how will you rewrite the law?

Karzai: hey dude I'm not a dictator it has to go through legal processes

Gregory: well that sounds inefficient - you should try it the American way

[ break ]

Gregory: why is Pakistan so fucking scary?

Coll: they have nukes, Taliban, and a lot of crazies

Mitchell: we keep telling them to stop obsessing with India and go after the enemy we care about

Gregory: bad things happen there

Mitchell: they have a big rivalry it fucks them up

Coll: Karzai and Zadari seem like nice guys but let's face it they're detached and kind of out of touch with reality

Gregory: what is victory in a land war in Asia?

Mitchell: Hopefully we don't get nuked by terrorists

Gregory: dream big

Mitchell: or at least only a non-American city like Juneau or Honolulu

Coll: We need stability which comes from Pakistani peace with India

Gregory: why can't we kick more Al Qaeda ass???!!!

Mitchell: we need to rebuild both countries and also get a hold of their nukes

Gregory: does the US public have the stomach for more war - which I love?

Coll: they're going to have to

Gregory: well good - and now some funny clips of me dancing with karl rove

Mitchell: hee hee you're no john travolta but you can cut a rug

The Chris Matthews Show - May 10, 2009

May 10, 2009

Matthews: OMG Obama is a scary black man and he's getting us in Afghanistan!

Woodward: OMG Obama is killing civilians!

Mitchell: oops so we killed a few civvies

Stengel: Pakistan is unthinkable

Matthews: so what do we think?

Stengel: ask Winston Churchill

Woodward: the Pakistanis are plotting against us!

Mitchell: there is no government in Pakistan - it's like a really bad reality show

Matthews: can the US control the nation of Pakistan?

Kay: we can't even control Texas

Matthews: OMG Obama said we can control Pakistan's nukes!

Woodward: well we did give them $100 million

Matthews: are those nukes within the grabable area?

Mitchell: confidence is not high

Matthews: if the Taliban take over Pakistan who they will they give the nukes to?

Kay: not this stupid mtyth again

Matthews: OMG Obama is going to nominate a hispanic woman - where will he find one?!?!

Woodward: sonia someone

Matthews: no not Sonia she hates white men

Matthews: isn't 'empathy' code for hiring a woman who doesn't know anything about the law but can change a diaper??

Woodward: he's not stupid Chris

Mitchell: Empathy is code for someone who knows the Constitution and has life experience

Stengel: Obama might hire someone who knows what life is like

Matthews: does he have to pick a woman?

Bob: not necessarily - he could appoint himself and do double duty

Mitchell: fuck you bob

Bob: i changed my mind - he will pick a woman

Mitchell: US has to make peace in India and Pakistan

Stengel: my big scoop is I found out who let the dogs out - it was michelle obama

Chris: wow

Matthews: who will lead the GOP party back??

Stengel: Mitt Romney - he bought a house in New Hampshire which will fool everyone

Mitchell: some guy in Utah

Woodward: Mitt and Newt

Katty Kay: Joe Scar and the Mittster who will save our economy

Chris: obviously it will be.... Rudy Giuliani!!
************************************************

Meet the Press - May 3, 2009

Guests:
Richard Besser, CDC
Kathleen Sebelius, HHS
Janet Napolitano, DHS
Sen. Arlen Specter, (D-PA)
Joe Scarborough
Ed Gillespie
****************************
Gregory: talk swine flu to me

Besser: as deadly plagues go it's not that bad

Gregory: what the fuck is going on in mexico - why are people dying?

Besser: people get the flu and then get kidnapped and get shot

Gregory: oh that's a problem

Besser: also more people could die here

Gregory: yay

Gregory: Katy am i overreacting by duct taping my children?

Sibelius: no that's a wise move

Gregory: ok then

Sibelius: we are ready for this problem - unlike Bush's FEMA

Gregory: how do you scare people without panicking them?

Biden: Don't leave your house!!!

Gregory: i hate it when the media scares people so let's blame Joe Biden for everything!!!

Napolitano: god you are a moron

Gregory: the plague is like a walk on a Slippery Rock - is the Nod of Peace just going make god angrier at us??

Besser: could be that's why we tell people to use the Fist Bump of Friendliness

Gregory: i'm terrified

Besser: you're an idiot

Gregory: bottom line - are we all going to die?

Besser: yes

Gregory: what??!!

Besser: some day we all will fluffyhead

Gregory: why not seal the border until we know more??

Napolitano: is there someone less stupid we can talk to?

Tim Russert's Corpse: i'm not dead

Besser: jackass we have more cases than they do

Gregory: if my children cough what should i do

Besser: first get out the hazmat suit you bought on 9/11

Gregory: great - then what?

Besser: take them to a fucking doctor

Gregory: well only the important kids not my spare ones

Besser: naturally not those

[ break ]

Gregory: Arlen who should Barack put on the Court?

Specter: a wise cranky old woman

Gregory: my mother?

Specter: or maybe a hispanic or one of those other dark ones

Gregory: that will make mark halperin cry

Specter: fuck him

Gregory: well who specifically?

Specter: not touching that

Gregory: is ‘empathy’ just code for favoring the gaiis and minorities?

Specter: well what if it was?

Gregory: but white men!!

Specter: we had a good run dude but it's over now

Gregory: but you supported crazies

Specter: but not Bork

Gregory: i said crazy - not psychotic

Specter: riiiight

Gregory: why did you switch parties ?

Specter: i have great ambition but no principles

Gregory: i see

Specter: the people of PA need my ancient wanking skillz

Gregory: bash Obama for me

Specter: not the Jedi!

Gregory: gawd even David Broder thinks you're untrustworthy

Specter: no fair the GOP has become the party of crazy

Gregory: since when?

Specter: since 1980 but i only just realized it

Gregory: how are you different from teh modern GOP

Specter: i'm against cancer

Gregory: why do hate baby Jesus?

Specter: hey he was jewish like me

Gregory: did you make a deal with Reid?

Specter: I only asked them to fix the election for me which the GOP refused to do

Gregory: what the hell do you believe in

Specter: no nukes, abortion, anti-cancer, social security, and paying WWI veterans their fucking bonuses

Gregory: good news for steve simels

Specter: what did he do in the war

Gregroy: he wrote snarky reviews of the Battle of Verdun

Gregory: health care reform?

Specter: what better way to reduce costs then use technology and research disease?

Gregory: it won't help at all?

Specter: grumble mumble

Gregory: what the fuck is wrong the Republicans

Specter: The Club for Growth are a bunch of lunatics and they have taken over the party

Gregory: strong words

Specter: they are destroying the party whaaaaaaa whaaaaaaa

Gregory: you are a democrat now - so do you support democratic ideas

Specter: fuck no

Gregory: you were misquoted

Specter: i never said single bullet i said single pullet

Gregory: a chicken killed Kennedy?

Specter: why not

Gregory: why are wearing an onion on your belt Arlen?

Specter: don't you like it?

[ break ]

Gregory: what's wrong with teh GOP

Gillespie: we suck

Gregory: we all know that

Gillespie: but hey we've been declared dead before

Scarborough: we always rise again

Gregory: why is that?

Scarborough: because selfishness has a universal appeal

Gregory: what went wrong

Scarborough: we spent too much and invaded Iraq

Gregory: i thought that was the best thing ever

Scarborough: well that was before

Gillespie: let's not bicker about who killed who

Gregory: how do you get the Presidency?

Gillespie: persuade Barack Obama to switch parties

Gillespie: we have independents who oppose Borrow and Spending

Scarborough: we did that every year from 1980 to 2008

Gillespie: oh pish posh

Scarborough: we haven't been really conservative for 30 years

Gregory: well what the fuck are you then?

Scarborough: we need to look internally

Gregory: interns?

Scarborough: oh noe

Scarborough: ronald reagan was very very conservative

Gregory: but he ran up the debt too!

Scarborough: but that was all the Democrats fault

Gregory: maybe your problem is total hypocrisy

Gillespie: no we're too ideologically rigid

Scarborough: true we should have both the insane and non-insane

Gillespie: any qualified Scotus nominee should be approved except if they advocate empathy which is just crazy

Scarborough: we should promote total hate and lunacy but only in 2010

Gregory: thank you for appearing on Meet the Republicans - i mean Meet the Press

[ whiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrr ]

Gregory: what's that sound?

Stagehand: tim russert spinning in his grave

Gregory: shit

Kemp: we need racial reconciliation and have GOP reach out to blacks

rush limbaugh: who is this negro loving nut?

The Chris Matthews Show - May 3, 2009

********************
Matthews: OMG Specter is now a pretend-Democrat!!!

Fineman: this is good news for the Republicans because the last time this happened was 1979 and the Dems were destroyed

O'Donnell: i asked Arlen if he lacked principles and he said i have to take a poll to answer that question

Matthews: Arlen's flip is only good news for Republicans

Matthews: OMG will the SCOTUS force us to get gay married!!!

Fineman: the GOP is stronger than ever!!

Klein: Reid held out for Arlen promising to consider voting for his bills before voting against them

Matthews: health care??

Fineman: Obama is a Jedi Knight and will make it happen

Klein: Obama is like Nixon and Hillary Clinton

Parker: Obama needs to just go to the GOP and give them whatever they want

Klein: it's all up to Ben Nelson

Fineman: the Democrats rigged the rules so that the majority wins

Matthews: cheaters!!!

Matthews: Rush says Olympia Snowe is the devil

O'Donnell: Haley Barbour will save the GOP and make it more moderate and accepting

Audience: [ snort! ]

Parker: the problem is the GOP has no ideas, agenda, or leaders

Klein: their DNA is authoritarian psychoses

Matthews: also they are insane

Fineman: they are comfortable with their message of total hypocrisy

Matthews: aha

Fineman: oddly Pure Hate only gets you so far

Klein: hey even the White Men get screwed under GOP rule

Matthews: will the Maineiacs switch

Fineman: that would be good news for Republicans

Tweety: of course

Tweety: tell me something I don't know!

Parker: gay married is takin over

Klein: we have to invade Tunisia

O'Donnell: we can get the torturers on perjury

Matthews: wow like al capone

Kelly: exactly
***************************************