Sunday, November 22, 2009

Meet The Press - November 22, 2009

Meet The Press
November 22, 2009
Sen. Richard Durbin
Sen. Diane Feinstein
Sen. Joe Lieberman
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson
Gregory: hey Dick amazingly Harry Reid got 60 Dems to vote for something

Durbin: I know it’s crazy - but I still think Ben Nelson will find a way to fuck us

Gregory: Kay didn’t the Democrats fail last night?

Hutchinson: this is a terrible bill that adds to the deficit and we need to start all over and just do
what Republicans want

Gregory: Kay how can we stop this terrible bill?

Hutchinson: wave around pictures of Obama
as a Nazi Witch Doctor

Gregory: the bill raises taxes and kills kittens!

Feinstein: oh can it Fluffy

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
But the public option is bad!

Feinstein: the current system sucks and this
helps millions of people Greggers

Gregory: Holy Joe will you stop this bill

Lieberman: I voted for the bill so I could keep my Committee Chairmanships but I must filibuster
the public option

Gregory: why?

Lieberman: a public option will worsen our
current recession because it will add to debt decades from now

Gregory: wow that is bad

Lieberman: it will be very expensive and horrible and also everyone will enroll in it so it undermine the private insurers

Gregory: Holy Joe I have a question - does the Afghan war also have to be deficit neutral too?

Lieberman: oh yes

Gregory: but you voted for the all the wars anyway

Lieberman: because I’m the last honest man

Durbin: the public option is a good fucking
idea dammit

Gregory: ok let me be an advocate for the Republican party here - would be you willing
to drop the option in favor of a trigger?

Durbin: no

Gregory: you say no - but your eyes say yes

Feinstein: I heard you were moron

Gregory: will you pleeeeease vote against
a public option?

Feinstein: calm down Fluffy

Hutchinson: small business health plans
will solve everything

Gregory: and people say I’m a dolt

Gregory: this is higher taxes! And expanded entitlement!
[ looks in mirror, fluffs hair ]

Lieberman: helping poor people costs money - which is the worst thing ever in the history
of America

Gregory: didn’t you used to be a liberal?

Lieberman: this is a radical departure from free-market principles - we must trust the insurance companies!!

Durbin: [ leans over, punches Lieberman in the face ]

Lieberman: Ow!

Feinstein: thanks dick

GOP Congressman: Obama hasn’t fixed
the economy!

Geithner: hey dipshit Bush handed us a
fucking Depression

Gregory: should Geithner be fired?

Lieberman: no - we should deny people health insurance: that will turn the American economy around!

Feinstein: California is a total basket case

Audience: electing a bodybuilder Governor sure seems like a good idea now doesn’t it

Feinstein: we need high speed rail so politicians
can get out of town fast when the riots begin

Gregory: good idea

Hutchinson: Obama was sworn in January
and there is still high unemployment and the cause is the debt!!

Gregory: you’re joking

Hutchinson: Health care! Debt! Word Salad!

Gregory:[waves foam finger] Fire Tim Geithner!!!

Hutchinson: Fluffy will you shut the fuck up I want to bash the Obama stimulus!

Feinstein: Goddammn Fluffers you are an idiot

Gregory: is Obama dithering on our Glorious Invasion of Afghanistan??

Lieberman: if we fail to pour thousands of troops into a far-off desert land it will destabilize the area

Gregory: will you leave your brain to science fiction?

Gregory: is Charles Krauthammer right about
Eric Holder and KSM?

Feinstein: you are a true dimwit, aren’t you

Gregory: but isn’t this a show trial?

Feinstein: no it isn’t Stupid

Gregory: but he told to his employees
'not to fail' which is the height of fascism!!

Durbin: Failure is an Option every week on Meet the Press

Hutchinson: every freedom-loving country in the world needs to know that that we are willing to torture terrorists, hold people without trial, invade other nations, and beg NATO to do it all for us

Gregory: what about these mammogram guidelines?

Feinstein: if you object well then get the test

Hutchinson: this is rationing which never happens in the USA because insurers always cover everything

Gregory: of course

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - November 22, 2009

November 22, 2009
Sen. Ben Nelson
Sen. Tom Coburn
Rep. Wasserman-Schultz
Rep. Blackburn
Stephanopoulos: Ben Nelson can you live with
the health reform bill or will you kill yourself
if it’s enacted

Nelson: no I hate it but Harry Reid threatened me

Stephanopoulos: how?

Nelson: he would have read the entire bill to me and that was more than I could handle

Stephanopoulos: Crazy Tom you promised to read the whole bill out loud - why did you cave in?

Coburn: I can’t read

Coburn: the problem with health care is that people have too much health which costs too much

Nelson: the Republican is right

Stephanopoulos: what a diverse panel this is!

Coburn: This is bill is fascist! Why do specialists make more money than primary care?? It’s just
like Dachau!!

Wasserman-Schultz: yes because everyone at Dachau had good health care and were mostly worried about the skyrocketing premiums

Coburn: that’s what I heard

Wasserman-Schultz: with all due respect did you
go to school in the Caribbean?

Coburn: I am an verteran of the great Grenada Lebanon Distraction War

Blackburn: this is government takeover of
health care and also it fails because there is no malpractice reform

Wasserman-Schultz: Medicare is pretty successful

Blackburn: sure, if you’re fan of Hitler!

Wasserman-Schultz: Hey dumbass this plan covers people and saves money

Stephanopoulos: Ben Nelson you’re one of
the Democrats who oppose the public option for no reason

Nelson: because it’s fascism - which is fine for Massachusetts but not Nebraska

Stephanopoulos: so you will vote against it
if it has a public option

Nelson: no I will oppose it for many other reasons!

Stephanopoulos: what’s the real reason Ben
- be honest

Nelson: it undermines the private insurers

Coburn: name one government agency that
works well

Stephanopoulos: Medicare, Veterans health, the CDC, the Pentagon-

Coburn: that’s a government-centered approach

Stephanopoulos: -to government

Coburn: indeed we should turn over all military affairs to private contractors

Stephanopoulos: I thought we did

Coburn: Medicare denies care all the time
- this bill establishes a Department of Death Panels and Killing Grandparents

Stephanopoulos: that could be controversial

Blackburn: on page 1,200 of the health bill it bans all mammograms - it’s amazing!!!

Wasserman-Schultz: oh that’s bullshit

Blackburn: these conveniently timed Bush-era recommendations are outrageous!

Coburn: I can’t believe a bureaucracy would decide what is covered under insurance!

Nelson: I agree - insurers are some of the most wonderful people I know whereas all bureaucrats spend their days dreaming of killing people

Stephanopoulos: but if you don’t have some guidelines how do control costs?

Nelson: I want to save costs - I just don’t want the rules to be applied to white people in Nebraska

Blackburn: Obama’s czar is going to be in
the exam room!

Wasserman-Schultz: we haven’t discussed the insurance companies rationing at all

Blackburn: sure they’re evil - but they make money and we need that in America

Stephanopoulos: Tom Coburn I know your insanity is a sore subject but people say you were a party
to corruption

Coburn: that’s a lie

Stephanopoulos: you didn’t serve as an intermediary with Ensign and his crazy family?

Coburn: oh that - yeah I did that - but only because I’m such a nice guy

Stephanopoulos: I can see that

Coburn: you don’t know what it’s like in the Republican Senate caucus - I’m obsessed with lesbians in high school bathroom and I’m considered the normal one

Stephanopoulos: wow

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Meet the Press with Hillary Clinton, Newt Gingrich & Al Sharpton - November 15, 2009

Meet The Press
November 15, 2009
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Secretary of Education Arne Duncan
Newt Gingrich
Al Sharpton
Gregory: Hi Hillary

Clinton: morning Fluffy

Gregory: Secretary Clinton why would we enforce the rule of law against really bad people?

Clinton: Greggers New York City isn’t afraid to try these people and bring them to justice

Gregory: but having super-terrorists in New York City is so scary!

Clinton: Calm down Fluffy - I don’t how it works
in California but here in New York our jails have locks and everything

Gregory: speaking of being terrified of brown swarthy terrorists - why haven’t you closed
Gitmo yet?

Clinton: we want to leave it nice so we’re painting and mowing the lawn first

Gregory: makes sense

Gregory: I hear Obama is considering invading Afghanistan

Clinton: maybe

Gregory: Jill Eikenberry says sending more troops to Afghanistan could backfire

Clinton: you mean Karl Eikenberry

Gregory: him too

Clinton: we need to defeat al-qaeda

Gregory: ok

Clinton: and also the Taliban

Gregory: right

Clinton: so we can’t leave until the Afghan government has defeated the Taliban on its
own and rules a peaceful nation

Gregory: what’s the deal with Hamid Karzai

Clinton: on the plus side he’s a handsome man
and a snappy dresser - on the other hand he’s a power-hungry megalomaniac

Gregory: just like Donald Trump

Clinton: look Bush completely fucked up
this country

Gregory: yes Afghanistan is in really bad shape

Clinton: I meant the U.S.

Gregory: oh

Clinton: I don’t think I can overstate how hated George Bush was around the world and frankly he dropped the ball on Bin Laden along with everything else he touched

Gregory: Obama is going to pay homage to
Our Chinese Overlords

Clinton: you know when my husband Bill was President we almost eliminated the debt and since then Stupid wasted 2 trillion dollars so it’s up to Obama and me to fix all his mistakes

Gregory: how do we combat the wily orientals?

Clinton: sure we’re rivals but we have a common enemy who presents a threat to the stability of the whole world

Gregory: North Korea?

Clinton: Sarah Palin

Gregory: She wants to have coffee with you

Clinton: it would be fascinating to meet someone who’s never read a newspaper before

Gregory: will you read her book?

Clinton: I will if she does

Gregory: can her brand of Crazy take over the GOP?

Clinton: I sure hope so

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG it’s such a cute odd couple - Newt Gingrich and Al Sharpton are going to come up with a bipartisan solution to failing education in America!

Gregory: Newt and Al - both of you are widely disliked - so thank you for coming on my show today

Gingrich: right on

Sharpton: dude!

[ fist bump each other ]

Gregory: people say America doesn’t manufacture anything anymore Arne but you say we have excellent Dropout Factories

Duncan: that’s right - we want achievement and to raise the bar and remove firewalls

Gregory: those are some very inspiring clich├ęs

Duncan: we must challenge the status quo, go outside our comfort zones and hope for change

Gingrich: this is the civil right of the 21st century

Duncan: we need good schools

Gregory: interesting

Gingrich: some schools are poor and violent and that’s bad

Sharpton: the poor and minorities are really getting screwed by our failing schools

Gregory: Newt you wanted to rid of the Department
of Education

Gingrich: in an ideal world every child would get
a Pell grant and buy their education on the open free market

Sharpton: hell parents have failed as well

Gregory: have we achieved anything?

Sharpton: we have succeeded in getting Newt
and me back on tv!

Gregory: since the teachers unions are evil why should we believe that a liberal will enforce accountability?

Duncan: if there was real accountability Rachel Maddow would take your job Fluffy

Gregory: what if teachers lie to you?

Duncan: I could kiss their ass like you do

Gingrich: the teachers union is responsible for
kids going to prison

Sharpton: we also need parents involved

Gregory: now wait just a minute - I invited you here
to bash teachers unions not for some debate about education

Sharpton: I heard back in Harlem you were a moron

Gingrich: Al Sharpton and I can inspire the whole world with our bipartisanship attention-seeking

Gregory: Are our teachers just stupid and should we have a West Point of Teachers?

Duncan: hard-working, service, public service,
blah blah blah

Gingrich: Jefferson said self-knowledge is vital

Gregory: Thomas Jefferson?

Gingrich: no George Jefferson - in the Hawaii episode

Gregory: that is so wise

Gingrich: the damm kids need discipline for the first time in their lives!

Sharpton: I never knew I was underprivileged because my mother taught me right

Gregory: Should we have a national failed curriculum?

Gingrich: no because some districts want to
teach kids that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to meetups with blond haired blue-eyed Republican tax-cutting Jesus

This Week with George Stephanopoulos with Hillary Clinton - November 15, 2009

November 15, 2009
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Rudy Giuliani
Stephanopoulos: Obama invaded Afghanistan but can we really win there?

Clinton: George you can be sure if Obama wants to conquer Afghanistan he’s going to damm well do it

Stephanopoulos: Ambassador Eikenberry says more troops will hurt the effort

Clinton: we’re going to defeat al-qaeda dammit!

Stephanopoulos: didn’t we do that already?

Clinton: yes but they’re very wily - they have
ties to the unsavory elements of the indigenous people there

Stephanopoulos: Hamid Karzai?

Clinton: The Taliban

Stephanopoulos: Karzai is pretty corrupt isn’t he?

Clinton: it’s ok we’re going to get a Official Certification that he’s only to spend money
in a non-corrupt and totally ethical way

Stephanopoulos: you can’t even get that
in New Jersey!

Clinton: we need to find an off-ramp out of there

Stephanopoulos: it looks like we got lost
and drove into another country

Clinton: Pakistan is a theatre

Stephanopoulos: Kabuki?

Clinton: Improv

Stephanopoulos: Saint Giuliani of 9/11 says the American justice system sucks

Clinton: well he was US Attorney from NYC so
he would know

Stephanopoulos: seriously?

Clinton: no you twerp

Stephanopoulos: can you find nice homes for all the Gitmo detainees who turned out to be innocent

Clinton: we’re going to get them low-rate mortgages

Stephanopoulos: Sarah Palin wants to a coffee
date with you

Clinton: I’d love to meet her and find out how her brain works

Stephanopoulos: are you running for Governor
of New York?

Clinton: ha - I’m already Secretary of State
for god’s sake

[ break]

Stephanopoulos: welcome Saint Rudy - are you running for Governor?

Giuliani: yes - I plan to lose to Andrew Cuomo
next year

Stephanopoulos: you praised federal trials for terrorists before the GOP went full-in crazy

Giuliani: oh no no but you see a fair trial will take too long - plus there is a risk that they might be found not guilty and we can’t take that chance

Stephanopoulos: ah

Giuliani: also this sends a wrong message - that
we are not at war with random crazy people everywhere like Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, and U.S. Army Major Hasan

Stephanopoulos: are you saying Major Hasan was a foreign soldier who declared war on the U.S.?

Giuliani: yes - he had novelty business cards that said “Soldier of God”!

Stephanopoulos: to be fair Mike Huckabee
has those too

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Meet The Press - November 8, 2009

Meet The Press
November 8, 2009
General Casey
Gov. Haley Barbour
Gov. Ed Rendell
Gregory: General I love your fatigues

Casey: thanks

Gregory: was this Fort Hood guy a lone gunman

Casey: I can’t answer that

Gregory: people think that counseling veterans stressed out by combat and then being sent to Iraq himself may have made him snap

Casey: and this is a surprise to you?

Gregory: how did the Army miss the warning signs?

Casey: Fluffy we really don’t know what happened

Gregory: but he hated our wars!

Casey: you are a silly person

Gregory: if he wanted to be discharged why not let him?

Casey: are you kidding - a muslim psychiatrist is like gold fluffy - gold!

Gregory: we send soldiers to repeated tours of duty - is that bad?

Casey: sure - we’re thinking about training soldiers to deal with it better

Gregory: but we will keep sending them into combat?

Casey: the empire won’t run itself Greggers

Gregory: can U.S. muslims fight our ongoing
war on Islam?

Casey: we don’t have a war on Islam

Gregroy: ok - should we send 40,000 troops
to Afghanistan?

Casey: yeah like I’m going to answer that

Gregory: The House passed a Democratic health reform bill so let me turn to an expert - Haley Barbour

Barbour: those Dems fahailed!

Gregory: aren’t the Democrats doomed Ed?

Rendell: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: but the centrists!

Rendell: calm down Fluffy

Barbour: theah merkin paypal don’t want government crammed down theah throat

Gregory: the middle class will hate the bill won’t they

Rendell: look you idiot it’s a good bill that will help millions of people

Gregory: Governor Barbour are the Democrats totally doomed?

Barbour: sadly yes - David Broder said so

Gregory: oh noe!

Barbour: people are very angry at health care reform - they want jobs - so of course they are turning to Republicans with their great track record

Gregory: the Moonie Times and Politico say Obama is doing too much and also not doing enough

Rendell: wow that’s stupid

Gregory: but he’s doing too much

Rendell: that’s silly

Gregory: just bash Obama ok

Barbour: Look its very simple - Obama is only popular because he is black and Americans just love
black people

Gregory: of course

Gregory: what do you think of Sarah Palin

Barbour: she’s an idiot

Gregory: could she be President?

Barbour: of what?

Gregory: will you run for President?

Barbour: we’ve done worse than me

Rendell: I don’t know about that

Gregory: Ed is Obama totally doomed?

Rendell: yeah whatever Fluffers

Gregory: please sing the praises of Saint Ronnie of the Deficit

Barbour: Reagan helped ordinary people not the rich fat cats on Wall Street

Rendell: what the fuck??

Gregory: do we need to send 40,000 more troops
to Afghanistan?

Barbour: definitely and if Obama sends then I promise we won’t compare him to Hitler anymore

Gregory: and if he doesn’t?

Barbour: the entire 2010 election will revolve around Dachau

Rendell: where are all these troops supposed to come from?

Barbour: Buddha will provide

[ break ]

Gregory: Obama has to send non-existent troops to Afghanistan or else he will be called a British-Indonesian-Kenyan-Muslim American-hater

Brooks: right

Maddow: they will call him StalinHitler no matter what

Gillespie: we have learned from the mistakes of the Bush administration that Obama is a bad President

Dionne: oh wait I just remembered something about Afghanistan - we’re totally fucked there

Gregory: Obama achieved a great victory last night

Maddow: except for not covering women

Gillespie: the bill uses the word “shall” and of course we can’t have government mandating things

Brooks: we’re America - we can’t afford to help sick Americans

Dionne: Reagan said Medicare was terrible - in 50 years Gillespie will sing the praises of Pelosi-care

Gillespie: under Obamacare I won’t live that long!

Maddow: the Republican plan really would wreck the economy - no one ever mentions that because they’re so worthless

Dionne: It’s simple - health care reform is a good fucking idea

Brooks: the problem with our system is we spend
too much making sick people well

Gregory: The Democrats lost on Tuesday!

Gillespie: Conservatives won in Virginia which is truly amazing

Maddow: Deeds lost because he sucked and ran away from Obama

Brooks: Democrats lost the county executive race in Westchester because Obama is bad man

Gregory: We have 10% unemployment in the
Obama recession!

Maddow: hey you might as well have second stimulus because the Dems and Obama are going to get blamed anyway

Brooks: John Maynard Keynes was wrong about everything

Dionne: actually the stimulus was too small

Gillespie: we need to bring back that Bush economy - fuck yeah!

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - November 8, 2009

This Week with George Stephanopoulos
November 8, 2009
Tim Kaine
Michael Steele
Stephanopoulos: hi did you bring any kids
or props today

Kaine: who do I look like Carrot Top?

Steele: [ waves foam finger ] it’s off the hook!

Stephanopoulos: Last night the House passed a health care billt

Kaine: Teddy Roosevelt wanted this bill and he was a big white hunting Republican

Steele: the problem with this bill is that is gives the government power and the U.S. government is evil

Kaine: ok

Steele: it’s a trick to debate late on a Saturday night - I mean we Republicans were all watching
Taylor Swift on NBC!

Kaine: we had months of debate idiot

Steele: no not really - we sent Obama a letter in April telling him to adopt GOP ideas and we never heard back from him

Kaine: are you sure you sent it to the White House?

Steele: we addressed it to “That Kenyan-Muslim Usurper, The Reagan House, Pennsylvania avenue”

Steph: are you the party of “No”

Steele: No

Steph: ok

Stephanopoulos: are Democrats doomed with independents?

Kaine: yeah sure good luck with that
argument Stephy

Steele: People voted for Chris Christie because they wanted to vote against Democrats in Washington

Kaine: sure they did

Steele: Boeher will be speaker of the house

Kaine: yikes

Stephanopoulos: hey I bought this suit at JC Pennys

Kaine: this year we’ve picked up two senate seats and two house seats

Steele: true - but Obama is still black

Stephanopoulos: so are you

Steele: [ SPIT TAKE ]
holy shit!

Steph: not again

Kaine: we’re creating stimulus jobs

Steele: that’s a government contract - not a real job

Lockheed Martin: damm right!

Stephanopoulos: you lost the NY-23 district

Steele: no the conservative won that seat
two years from now

Stephanopoulos: um what

Steele: we have a future victory

Kaine: they lost the seat they held since 1870 because Sarah Palin is idiot and the GOP is imploding

Steele: There’s a 2,000 pound baby on the railroad tracks of progress

Stephanopoulos: okay then

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Face the Nation with Joe Lieberman - November 1, 2009

Face the Nation
November 1, 2009
Guest: Sen. Joe Lieberman (CFL-CT)

Schieffer: Holy Joe thanks for coming

Lieberman: thank you very much Bob

Schieffer: So the Democrats may pass health care reform public option - what do you think?

Lieberman: I’m all for health care reform but we have to worry about the state of the economy in 20 years and a public option might help people and save lives in the short term but in the long run it will run up the debt and destroy America

[ shakes jowls vigorously ]

Schieffer: but most people like it

Lieberman: sure they do but this crazy idea
that people deserve health care just came
out of nowhere!

Schieffer: Liberals say we need it to save lives

Lieberman: true but we must be ready to kill the many to save the few who make our incredibly
fragile economy the envy of the world

Schieffer: will you filibuster a public option?

Lieberman: I will - I must stop this horrific idea
that the government would create an entitlement
for health care

[begins weeping]

Schieffer: you think people are not entitled to
decent health care?

Lieberman: not if they are not as wonderful as I am

Schieffer: is anyone in America as terrific as you?

Lieberman: touchdown Jesus

Schieffer: but your filibuster could kill all health
care reform

Lieberman: oh no I’m not the one who would
do that - those horrible people who push for the public option are -- they are mean and say if you
are not for the government insurance you must
be a bad person

[ starts crying ]

Schieffer: would rather have no reform at all
than a government-run insurance program

Lieberman: yes - because the public plan will be
so very expensive that no one will enroll in it which will be bad because it will be too unpopular and
also it will run up the debt and raise taxes when everyone enrolls

Schieffer: this has nothing to do with the $400,000 you got this year alone from insurance companies

Lieberman: oh no no no I hate insurance companies

Schieffer: really?

Lieberman: yeah I even pretended I would remove their anti-trust exemption

[ wipes tears]

Schieffer: will you stop crying

Lieberman: this takes us down a road America has never gone down before - America providing health care to its citizens is a nightmare scenario


Schieffer: you also want to put more troops in Afghanistan even though their government is
totally corrupt

Lieberman: Oh no no Karzai is the Last Honest Man in Afghanistan - our troops need to believe in his inherent goodness

Schieffer: you’re like a jowly Rush Limbaugh

Lieberman: no I actually don't believe Obama despises America or fakes his compassion
for the troops

Schieffer: golly you’re such a moderate