Sunday, February 23, 2014

Meet the Press – February 23, 2014

Susan Rice – National Security Advisor
Richard Engel
Mark Potter
Michael Braun (Fmr. DEA Chief of Operations)
Judy Woodruff
Chis Matthews
David Brooks
Harry Smith
Mark Wells (Hockey Player)

Gregory: OMG the Olympics are
ending and Ukraine is in chaos!

Audience: yikes

Gregory: some say this is
just like the Cold War

Audience: who?

Gregory: Susan is Ukraine on
the brink of a civil war?

Rice: the President is missing

Gregory: have they looked everywhere?

Rice: we want to see a thriving
democracy that truly represents the
will of the people in Ukraine and
if it works there we'll try it here

Gregory: are we on the
side of the protesters?

Rice: we are on the side of the people!

Gregory: does the President have to go?

Rice: he has gone Fluffy

Gregory: but does Obama
want him to go?

Rice: do you see him anywhere?

Gregory: he says he won't resign

Rice: well he packed all his stuff and left

Gregory: look at this map –
Ukraine borders Russia – who knew?

Rice: I did
Gregory: did Obama tell Putin to “back off!”?

Rice: they both agreed it's
good for for there to be
peace in Ukraine

Gregory: but Putin kicks ass
and he even gave Ukraine money

Rice: everyone wants Ukraine
united and trading with both
Russia and Europe

Gregory: isn't this the Cold War?!

Rice: that's a dated perspective

Gregory: is this a good thing?
Does Obama like violent protests?

Rice: hey democracy is messy
but it's better than the alternative

Gregory: the American people don't
understand Ukraine but they do
understand that basically this is
about who's dick is bigger
Obama's or Putin's

Rice: heh

Gregory: just answer the question

Rice: we've worked with Russia
on Iran and trade but we also
differ on other issues

Gregory: no no no – when is
Obama going to point out his
body parts are larger!

Rice: Obama is very secure in his manhood

Gregory: Obama said Syria
is crumbling and Russia
is helping Assad

Rice: we're constantly looking
at our options

Gregory: okay

Rice: we want to see a peaceful
and unified government in Syria

Gregory: I'd like to find a
unicorn in lucky charms

Rice: dare to dream

Gregory: why don't we just
invade Syria already?

Rice: we're sending arms and food

Gregory: boooring

Rice: we got a resolution
through the Security Council –
that's a great achievement

Gregory: but President McCain
said we should invade Syria

Rice: he's an idiot

Gregory: you regret not invading Rwanda

Rice: look Democrats and Republicans
don't agree on much but no sane 
person wants U.S. soldiers in Syria

Gregory: well John McCain and
Lindsay Graham and I do

Rice: there you have it

Gregory: what is Obama's
foreign policy vision?

Rice: USA! USA!

Gregory: what else?

Rice: no more stupid wars

Gregory: go on

Rice: powerful diplomacy –
look at our success in Iran

Gregory: you don't worry about
whether Iran will keep their promises?

Rice: of course I do – but we're
making more progress on Iran
nukes than Bush ever did

Gregory: Benghazi!!

Rice: oy

Gregory: do you have any regrets?

Rice: no – I gave you the best
information we had

Gregory: I see

Rice: the information I gave you
came from the CIA and while it
wasn't accurate it wasn't false

Gregory: did it cost you the
job of Secretary of State?

Rice: probably

Gregory: are we going to catch
the killers of Benghazi?

Rice: yes – heck we recently
caught an old U.S. enemy in Libya

Gregory: what about Ukraine?

Rice: we want to work with
the IMF to 'help' Ukraine 'reform'

Gregory: is it all about the money?

Rice: damn right Fluffers

[ break ]

Gregory: Richard what's up in Kiev?

Engel: an arrest warrant has been
issued for the President

Gregory: wow

Engel: In one week 20,000 protesters
changed the balance of power
in Europe and Asia

Gregory: that's amazing

Engel: police were outmatched
and protesters pushed their advantage

Gregory: gosh

Engel: then the police quit and
protesters swarmed the palace

Gregory: golly

Engel: Putin must be terrified –
is this a Eurasian Spring?

[ break ]

Gregory: it's the Cold War!!

Matthews: let me talk about my
childhood in Philly

Gregory: I love you

Woodruff: you asked Rice
about the Cold War

Gregory: I know I was sitting here

Woodruff: the U.S. needs to work
with Russia on Iran but on the
other hand we must remember
the people of Ukraine

Gregory: this is really about Barack
Obama and whether he is a manly man

Brooks: that's kind of silly –
it's also about how large
Putin's penis is

Gregory: that's true

Brooks: actually Obama has
handed this crisis very well

Gregory: Josh Marshall mocked me
by saying “stop it” about the Cold War

Cooper: maybe he was talking
to Mitt Romney?

Gregory: I hope so

Cooper: remember Ukraine is
more important to Russia than America

Woodruff: true but Ukraine is a basket case

Brooks: this is a clash of civilizations!

Gregory: I like it!

Brooks: Russia will probably collapse

Gregory: is Obama a real man?

Matthews: more than you Fluffy

Gregory: Republicans won't touch
immigration reform and Democrats
won't do chained CPI

Brooks: those are good ideas
ruined by elections –
democracy is bad for America

Gregory: that is so true

Brooks: in the old days the
center would hold but now
the fringe is in charge

Matthews: that is so true –
the base of both parties are bad

Woodruff: both parties have gone
into the bunker – voters are just the worst

Gregory: I am required to mention
Rand Paul's accusations against
Bill Clinton once per episode

Woodruff: well all know that

Gregory: Lindsay Graham said nice
things about Hillary Clinton and
that's hurt him with primary voters
who think he's too liberal

Brooks: liberal? He impeached Clinton!

Gregory: LOL

Brooks: let's face it – Graham is one
of the best Senators in America

Gregory: yes he is

Brooks: do the voters want
a great Senator or an idiot

Gregory: tough call

Brooks: we always say D.C. is
dysfunctional but it's actually
the voters who suck

Matthews: Susan Rice was
right about Benghazi all along!

Gregory: but it's out there

Woodruff: that's right – but
the 2016 election is far away

Brooks: maybe Ted Nugent
will say something stupid

Woodruff: Maybe?

Gregory: they caught El Chapo!

Potter: this is like catching bin Laden

Braun: Chapo makes Al Capone
look like a boy scout

Gregory: wow!

Expert: he had 80% of the drugs
in this country including pot and
cocaine and meth

Gregory: he's the Heisenberg of Mexico

Potter: Forbes magazine named him
one of the richest men and Best Drug Dealer

Gregory: wow

Potter: he escaped from prison
in a laundry truck and he
became a legend

Gregory: not anymore

Potter: there could be more violence
as rivals try to take over his business

Gregory: how did they get him this time

Potter: they covered the back door

Gregory: brilliant

Gregory: Garrick Utley died –
he covered Vietnam and
even hosted Meet The Press

[ break ]

Smith: you beat the Soviet Union in 1980

Wells: it was elation

Smith: it was a vindication
of our way of life!

Smith: what was getting
that gold medal like?

Wells: I was the hero

Smith: after you had
terrible back pain

Smith: you sold your gold medal
that must have been hard

Wells: it was hard but that
memory will never go away

Smith: and now you're walking
and even skating again

Wells: yes – it's great

Smith: it's a second miracle on ice

[ break ]

Gregory: evil Russia won the most medals
what did you guys think of the games?

Brooks: the highlight of the games
was Shaun White losing well

Woodruff: all the women winning

Gregory: I'm all about the slopestyle!

Matthews: those crazy kids all
up in the air – it's crazy I tell you

Gregory: whatever happened to
all the terrorism the media was promised?

Cooper: better luck next time Fluffy

Gregory: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – February 23, 2014

Host: Martha Raddatz
Pierre Thomas
Matt Gutman
Marianna van Zeller
Hamish McDonald
Rep. Mike McCaul (R-TX)
David Aguilar
Tom Friedman
Bill Kristol
Farhad Manjoo

Raddatz: wow they caught the
biggest drug dealer in the US!

Audience: Pfizer?

Raddatz: no El Chapo

Thomas: he was crafty and
vicious and innovative

Raddatz: just like Dick Cheney

Thomas: Mexican officials caught
him in a hotel with help from
American intelligence

Raddatz: nice

Thomas: he controlled 80% of 
the drugs in Chicago

Raddatz: wow

Thomas: He escaped from prison
in a laundry basket and underground tunnels

Raddatz: truly living the high life

Thomas: He had unlimited resources
he used UPS and FedEx!

Univision Reporter: this one guy was
responsible for so much death and destruction

Raddatz: what does this arrest 
mean for America?

McCaul: he's the godfather of Mexican
drug cartels – and he's smuggled
lots of drugs to America

Raddatz: amazing

McCaul: it's a great victory for ICE
agents and Mexican drug authorities

Raddatz: should be extradited to the U.S.?

McCaul: yes – no offense to the 
Mexicans but look he's already 
escaped from prison in Mexico

Raddatz: will they send him here?

McCaul: it depends on how weak Obama is

Raddatz: Obama caught him

McCaul: No the President of Mexico got him

Raddatz: you were obsessed 
with him for 10 years

Aguilar: it's a tremendous achievement
they didn't fire a shot

Raddatz: how did you track him for 10 years?

Aguillar: Facebook

Raddatz: what are the secrets
to El Chapo's success?

van Zeller: he turned a tiny operation
into a huge business through innovation

Raddatz: impressive

Zeller: he even bought a submarine
it was a smart investment

Raddatz: why did he focus on Chicago?

Zller: he likes the pizza

Raddatz: why couldn't you
catch him for 10 years?

Aguilar: because the Mexicans weren't up to it

Raddatz: who fills Chapo's void?

Thomas: if the CEO of McDonald's 
disappeared they'd still be flipping burgers

Aguilar: maybe but cops around
the world are celebrating

Raddatz: let's hope so

Raddatz: what's the Olympic update

Gutman: America won a
bronze in bobsled last night!

Raddatz: wooo

Gutman: security has been perfect
and now it's almost over
[ break ]

Raddatz: wow Ukraine is torn
between Russia and the West

McDonald: Ukraine's President
say he is fighting a coup

Raddatz: wow

McDonald: but Parliament 
released his arch rival

Raddatz: wow

McDonald: protesters are in control

Raddatz: oh my

McDonald: the President had a mansion
cars, a galleon and private zoo

Novelist: Kiev is the capital of
ancient Russia – Putin is drinking all night

McDonald: Martha the country
may split into two or three countries

Raddatz: amazing

[ break ] 

Raddatz: welcome “experts”
Tom Friedman and Bill Krisol

Friedman: the good news is the U.S.
didn't invade Ukraine although I do
wish we could've beaten people up anyway

Kristol: the U.S. needs to be more involved!

Raddatz: Russia might be involved
too I suppose – is this a new Cold War

Friedman: no it isn't

Raddatz: bah

Friedman: the world is divided
into three types – unhappy people and
happy people and very unhappy people
Ukraine is all three

Raddatz: but might Russia intervene

Kristol: they always have Martha

Raddatz: ok

Kristol: why does Obama hate
America's victory in the Cold War?

Raddatz: Tom can we do anything in Syria?

Friedman: can you name the head 
of the Syrian opposition?

Raddatz: I can name several!!

Friedman: well I can't

Friedman: the most successful arab spring
was the one where America was least involved

Kristol: Obama abandoned the
pro-Western revolution in Syria!

Raddatz: Bill what is Obama's legacy?

Kristol: the people of the world want
America to interfere with their
countries and Obama hates freedom

Reporter: why is WhatsApp worth $19 billion?

Manjoo: it has 450 million users
who don't pay or even view ads

Reporter: so why is worth more than
American Airlines or Marriott or Xerox?

Manjoo: because volume!