Sunday, December 18, 2011

Meet The Press - December 18, 2011

Speaker John Boehner (R-OH)
Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN)
Gov. Nikki Haley (R-SC)
E.J. Dionne
Mike Murphy
Gregory: good morning audience - remember when
we invaded Iraq? Funny story - it was all a mistake
but after 4,500 Americans killed and spending
$800 billion dollars it ended last night now
let’s talk to Republican Speaker John Boehner

Gregory: Mr. Speaker will you raise taxes
on poor people?

Boehner: Obama is right you can’t have a
two-month tax cut

Gregory: so what kind of bill can you pass?

Boehner: we gave the President everything
he asked for

Gregory: you did?

Boehner: yes we cut taxes for rich people and
demanded an oil pipeline across America

Gregory: those are things you wanted

Boehner: David you are trying to divide America

Gregory: what about this pipeline?

Boehner: if are energy-independent we won’t have
to invade any more middle eastern countries -
I thought liberals were against that -
make up you mind hippies!

Gregory: Unemployment is at three-year low -
isn’t that good news?

Boehner: No - and I mean that

Gregory: you’re such a grouch

Boehner: look maybe things are better but
Obama is still a bad socialist

Gregory: nevertheless the economy seems
to be improving

Boehner: Obama caused the recession in
2007 dammit

Gregory: Congress is less popular than herpes
but more popular the Kardashians

Boehner: that is also Obama’s fault

Gregory: Obama says Republicans obstruct
everything he does

Boehner: that’s true

Gregory: Do you trust Obama?

Boehner: I do trust him

Gregory: it sounds like you and Obama both
hate the Tea Party

Boehner: It’s close but I think he hates them
more than I do

Gregory: Should we have pulled out of Iraq
so quickly after only 9 years?

Boehner: we went there to protect Iraq from
invasion from other counties and I’m worried
out leaving could hurt that effort

Gregory: Is Newt Gingrich insane?

Boehner: no comment

Gregory: everyone I talk to who knows him
hates his guts

Boehner: he’s not that conservative you know

Gregory: how so?

Boehner: I’ve never actually seem kill anyone

Gregory: Regular Republicans don’t want
Mitt Romney

Boehner: the American government is
destroying the American dream

Gregory: will you pass a payroll tax cut or
will you ruin Christmas?

Boehner: yes if we can an oil pipeline in
your backyard

Gregory: thanks for coming

Gregory: welcome Michele Bachmann

Bachmann: nice to meet you Fluffy

Gregory: would you raise taxes on the
poorest Americans?

Bachmann: yes because can’t afford more tax cuts
after all these tax cuts we already gave people

Gregory: but those all went to rich people

Bachmann: see - we’ve cut taxes enough already!

Gregory: but cutting taxes for low income people
is very popular

Bachmann: look the debt soared under Reagan,
Bush and Junior and now is the time for
poor people to pay for it

Gregory: Interesting

Bachmann: Obama just like a dictator of
some banana republic

Gregory: you’re on a roll now

Bachmann: the deficit has gone up 1,000%
from Bush to Obama

Gregory: I’m being told you are now lying
to my viewers

Bachmann: let me finish lying Fluffy

Gregory: the debt soared under George W. Bush

Bachmann: the deficit went from
$160 billion
to $1.5 trillion

Gregory: some people say you are a
compulsive liar

Bachmann: like who?

Gregory: Newt Gingrich

Bachmann: he’s a corrupt megalomaniac

Gregory: PolitiFact also said you were lying about PolitiFact

Bachmann: They’re lying too!

Gregory: the Des Moines Register published
a riddle today: What do Michele Bachmann
and Donald Trump have in common?

Bachmann: we’re both serious conservatives?

Gregory: Answer is “Trump lies under a rug
and you lie like a rug”

Bachmann: I tell the truth!

Gregory: is that true?

Bachmann: sometimes it is

Gregory: would President Bachmann ignore
decisions by the Supreme Court?

Bachmann: people think all laws are written
by courts and that’s not true - there are also
laws passed by Congress

Gregory: even small children know that

Bachmann: well I didn’t

Gregory: so would prefer Supreme Court
justices run for office?

Bachmann: the Supreme Court can’t make laws!

Gregory: so what’s the remedy?

Bachmann: Congress has the power to
remove bad justices

Gregory: so you would impeach justices for
making decisions you don’t agree with?

Bachmann: what do you mean?

Gregory: what do you mean?

Bachmann: Congress should just overturn
the Supreme Court!

Gregory: ok ok - should we attack Iran?

Bachmann: Iran is about to get a nuclear bomb!

Gregory: so what would you do about it?

Bachmann: Iran will use a nuclear weapon
on Israel and oh maybe the United States

Gregory: would you start a war with Iran or not?

Bachmann: we need to look this threat in the eye!

Gregory: thanks for coming Michele

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Governor Haley - you endorsed
Romney by noting how imperfect he is

Haley: he’s the best of a bad bunch

Gregory: no one loves Mitt Romney

Haley: Mitt Romney has had four years to
think about what he fundamentally believes
and he’s almost there

Gregory: name some things you hate
about Newt Gingrich

Haley: I’m not going to answer that because
your tv show is only one hour long

Gregory: what about Rick Perry?

Haley: the people are South Carolina are very
smart and so I don’t think Perry will do well

Gregory: can you deliver Tea Party votes when
you are less popular than Obama?

Haley: that poll also said Obama would win
South Carolina and since that isn’t possible
the poll must be flawed

Gregory: I see

Haley: the Tea Party cares about liberty, the
10th Amendment and getting the government
out of Medicare

Gregory: will Mitt Romney win the election in 2012?

Haley: Mitt Romney has fixed everything he
has ever touched including the Olympics and
Massachusetts and Romney 2.0

Gregory: thanks for coming Nikki

[ break ]

Gregory: is the race down to Romney and Gingrich?

Murphy: yes - and Ron Paul

Gregory: Romney did not go after Gingrich in the
debates but he’s attacking Newt on tv in Iowa

Dionne: you are seeing the Revenge of the Base
against the Establishment

Gregory: I see

Dionne: there are two weeks for Romney to cripple
Gingrich but if he goes too far the base might
get angry - and you won’t like them when
they’re angry

Murphy: Newt has embraced Marxism too
early in the primary

Dionne: Could Gingrich win Iowa and then do
well in New Hampshire and take the nomination?

Murphy: or does Romney do ok in Iowa and then
win easily New Hampshire and take the nomination?

Dionne: Newt is Nixon in 1968

Gregory: oh good

Dionne: Newt is going to call Obama a
Kenyan socialist and primary voters love
that crazy shit

Gregory: People inside the beltway think
Newt Gingrich is a loose cannon and an asshole

Dionne: liberals said this in 1994 and wingnuts
said “why do hate his hubristic vision?”

Dionne: can the GOP really raise taxes in order
to defend a giant oil pipeline?

Murphy: um no

Gregory: will Obama be reelected?

Murphy: the economy is bad but Newt Gingrich
is a right looney

Gregory: if the economy improves will the House
GOP try to take credit?

Dionne: Obama has moved into campaign mode
while the primary debates have just made the
GOP look like a bunch of out-of-touch weirdos

Gregory: and we’ll be back a new episode
Christmas morning but instead of three wise
men we will have me Tom Brokaw and Tom Friedman


This Week with Christiane Amanpour - December 18, 2011

Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI)
Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA)
Robert Reich
George Will

Amanpour: Today we debate the defining
issue of our time: Should Government get its
damn hands off our Medicare?

Audience: how fascinating

Amanpour: Has government gotten too
government big - and who was really right?
Alexander Hamilton or Thomas Jefferson?

Audience: the white guy or the other white guy

Karl: just because of the darn Depression we
got the New Deal and all those meat inspectors

Audience: I like bacteria-free meat but I hate taxes

Amanpour: Today we have the most brilliant
minds in Washington DC by which I mean
four middle-aged white guys

Ryan: Government is like sugar, fat or
reality television - more of it is always bad

Amanpour: good point Paul

Ryan: the left says we are Hobbesian and
cruel and mean - but Obama’s crony capitalism
proved government doesn’t work!

Frank: we need government to fight wars and
build bridges and clean the environment but
we needs less government telling people not
to have sex the way conservatives want them to

Amanpour: Isn’t government just always bad?

Reich: thank for your loaded question and
this debate which is obviously designed to
bash government

Amanpour: Thank you Bob

Reich: People don’t trust a government that
harasses brown people or big Wall Street
that steals from people

Amanpour: Didn’t the New Deal put people to work?

Will: Government didn’t create any jobs until
a tiny government launched World War Two

Amanpour: how amazing

Will: Obama’s stimulus created jobs but not enough

Frank: Obama rescued the American automobile
industry oh and by the way Republicans
thanks for the recent depression

Amanpour: Paul you voted for the Wall Street
and auto bailouts

Ryan: yes but in my defense I was wrong

Amanpour: did the stimulus fail or did it prevent
a worse depression?

Ryan: that involves facts and so it impossible to say

Reich: we should have put strings on
the Bush bailout

Ryan: true

Frank: oh thanks Republicans for the
no-strings bailout

Audience: can we prevent another bailout?

Frank: we passed a law saying no
government bailouts again

Will: We should break up the banks!

Frank: yes but which ones George?

Will: the big ones!

Ryan: liberals wants bureaucrats to run America

Frank: we want the government to pick and
choose who to bail out

Ryan: we should not bail anyone out until its
an emergency when we can’t think about it!

Amanpour: Why do the top 1% have as much
as the bottom 40%?

Ryan: because liberals punish rich people and
poor people say why should I bother becoming
rich the government will just take it away

Will: Government always responds to
bad rich people

Amanpour: very bold of you to say George

Will: also the elderly are too rich and powerful

Amanpour: ok

Reich: yes rich people and corporations have
to much influence over government - but the
answer is not to shrink government but to get
money out of politics

Will: harrumph

Reich: the top tax rate under Eisenhower
was under 90%

Will: I don’t hate the elderly but they are
Greedy, selfish and destructive

Frank: ok George if you’re so concerned about
bad rich people let’s raise taxes on the wealthy
and spend it on poor people

Amanpour: most people don’t pay taxes

Frank: Christiane that’s right-wing bullshit

Audience: how do you stop special interests
from buying government influence?

Ryan: by reducing government obviously

Reich: that’s fine but government won’t be
reduced until we get money out of politics

Ryan: well we enacted McCain-Feingold so
everything should be fine

Reich: god you really are an insufferable little twit

Will: just leave everything to the free market

Reich: that’s great until we all get killed in
the name of profit

Will: some of us think all problems in the
world are caused by government

Audience: don’t we need red-light cameras?

Amanpour: of course we do

Will: Personal liberty!

Frank: so remove criminal penalties on marijuana
and internet gambling, gay marriage and all the
other right-wing expansions of government

Reich: we can unite the left and right to
defend freedom until we demagogue
each other on terror

Ryan: the left is the true Big Brother

Amanpour: what about social issues?

Ryan: that’s a totally different debate where
big government is awesome

Frank: the military is part of the problem

Ryan: our soldiers are rebuilding Afghanistan
to defend our freedom which we are giving away

Audience: I am an evangelical minister and 48%
of people in America are poor and yet most
people don’t know that

Ryan: Inequality is actually a good thing because
it means more people are getting rich

Frank: meanwhile real people are suffering
from mindless budget-cutting

Reich: government enacted laws requiring
racial equality and that was a good thing

Frank: what about pot?

Will: we need to do more research on marijuana
but until then it should be illegal

Frank: yes that makes sense

Amanpour: should government spend money
on poor people?

Ryan: calling people “poor” makes it seems like
they are “stuck in a class” - I prefer to call
poor people the “potentially rich” and I offer them
“future tax cuts” which they will be deeply grateful
for in a “hypothetical future.”

Amanpour: that’s highly imaginative

Ryan: We should get rid of crony capitalism
by which I mean we should means testing Medicare

Will: Government harms freedom and equality
by allowing rich people to influence government
and the answer is for government to not exist
except for roads and bridges and defense and
the mail and drugs and gays

Reich: yes - big businesses do influence government
- how do we solve that problem because we
can’t get rid of all government

Amanpour: thanks for coming everyone

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Meet The Press - December 11, 2011

Ron Paul
Sen. Richard Durbin (D-IL)
Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC)
Gov. Terry Branstad (R-IA)
Ted Koppel
Chuck Todd
Lisa Myers
Alex Castellanos
Gregory: holy cow Newt Gingrich has a
big lead in the Presidential race

Gregory: Did Newt do anything insane last night?

Paul: no more than anyone else

Gregory: you say Newt should not have
taken money from Freddie Mac

Gingrich: I was in the private sector!

Paul: Poppycock!

Gregory: you’re funny

Paul: this was very annoying to because I’ve
worked on this issue and Newt is just a
common grifter

Gregory: should he apologize and give
the money back

Paul: of course it’s totally immoral and why
is government influence for sale anyway?

Gregory: who is the most consistent
conservative in the race?

Paul: why should we nominate someone who
has to keep explaining all his flip-flops?

Gregory: are both Romney and Gingrich unacceptable?

Paul: they’re unprincipled

Gregory: you always attack Newt and
not Mittens - why is that?

Paul: Because I had to work with Newt Gingrich
and he is probably the biggest jerk I’ve
ever dealt with

Gregory: then Newt represents the biggest change

Paul: yes but Newt defends the welfare state

Gregory: Gingrich says Palestinians are
fake people and inherent murderers

Paul: see what I mean - this guy is bullshit
in a China shop

Gregory: what about he said?

Paul: Newt is just an uncontrolled demagogue

Gregory: when you lose who will you endorse?

Paul: I will have to wait to see if Mitt flip-flops again

Gregory: would you run for President with
a third-party?

Paul: only the Sith deal in absolutes!

Gregory: so you are considering it

Paul: why not - it can’t get any worse out there!

[ break ]

Gregory: Lindsay - is Newt for real?

Graham: darn right he is

Gregory: is he not crazy anymore?

Graham: yes he is less immature and not
quite as dickish

Gregory: you led the coup against him but
would you endorse him?

Graham: no I would not

Gregory: who will you endorse?

Graham: Hell Ron Paul if it will prevent him
from making a third-party run

Gregory: what about the payroll tax extension?

Durbin: this means an extra $1,000 for
160 million Americans!

Gregory: that could buy you a meal for four
people at the Palm!

Durbin: we offered a tax on the second million
dollars of income and the GOP said no because
it would affect Job Creators

Gregory: the GOP is willing to cut taxes as long
we build a huge oil pipeline through the U.S.

Graham: I love that long pipeline

Gregory: what about the payroll tax?

Graham: candidly we have to extend the
tax cut or commit political suicide

Obama: America has to reward hard work!

Graham: Obama caused the Great Recession in 2007

Gregory: wow

Graham: Obama almost caused a loss of
jobs in South Carolina

Gregory: but he didn’t?

Graham: he could have

Gregory: I see

Graham: Dodd-Frank retroactively caused
the credit crisis!

Durbin: Wall Street caused the recession
you hayseed

Lindsay: The consumer protection bureau
is basically Stalinist

Durbin: you see what we’re up against?

Gregory: thanks for coming guys

[ break ]

Gregory: holy crap Gingrich leads in the
south by double-digits

Gingrich: Mittens you are a career politician
just a loser at it

Todd: Romney keeps trying to go negative on
Gingrich but he has so many negatives its hard
to choose just one

Myers: Gingrich loves verbal combat much
more than real combat which he writes
novels about

Gregory: Romney likes to settles fights
by betting $10,000

Branstad: Obama has increased the debt
when all the American people want is increased
spending and lower taxes

Gregory: who do we need?

Branstad: we need someone who won’t increase
the debt like Ronald Reagan

Gregory: Reagan inherited a recession and
slowly brought American back

Branstad: see totally unlike Obama

Castellanos: people want big change and
Romney promises out-of-touch elitism

Koppel: the fact that people are even considering
nominating Newt Gingrich leaves me speechless

Castellanos: America is in such big trouble we
need a President who is a little crazy

Branstad: the most important thing we can
do in this recession is cut spending

Gregory: I see

Branstad: Dodd-Frank cause the recession!

Gregory: is Romeny not in Iowa enough?

Branstad: yes he must live here and also
promise to revive the rice industry

Castellanos: Mitt Romney is a transformational
figure - he transformed Massachusetts,
Bain Capital, the Olympics and himself

Romney: I’m not a bomb-thrower

Gingrich: we need to throw bombs - especially in
the middle east

Koppel: even in Israel Newt is an
anti-Palestinian extremist

Todd: Romney says he’s sober and
Newt says Mitty is just timid

Myers: Every Republican I talk to thinks Newt is
a crazy person who damaged conservatism
for a generation

Gregory: does marriage matter?

Perry: if you cheat on your wife you
might cheat on your business partner
which would be really bad

Gingrich: God forgave me so you all
might as well too

Koppel: the Drug Enforcement Agency is
still in Iraq

Gregory: oh shit

Koppel: we will leave just enough
Americans in Iraq to serve as an excuse
to start a war with Iran

Gregory: how delightful

[ break ]

Gregory: hey gang Ron Paul is incredibly
popular on Twitter

Todd: Newt Gingrich is the heavy favorite
to win the nomination now

Branstad: Paul would win in Iowa
but college students tend to sleep right
through the caucuses

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - December 11, 2011

Diane Sawyer
George Stephanopoulos
Jon Huntsman
Amanpour: omg Iran won’t give our drone
back and speaking of drones Mitt Romney
lost last night’s Presidential debate

Gingrich: mitt u r a looser

Romney: bet u $10,000 i’ve never been cloned

Obama: ask all the guys i’ve killed if
i’m an appeaser

Amanpour: Diane how did the debate go?

Sawyer: it well after I started drinking

Romney: I would not go to the moon

Gingrich: why not we’ve ruined this planet

Stephanopoulos: if Romney is afraid to take
on Newt how can he go after Obama

Amanpour: good point

Stephanopoulos: Romney’s big moment
was betting Rick Perry $10,000 that he was
even more out of touch with the American people

Stephanopoulos: everyone was expecting
Newt Gingrich to be a giant asshole and
he was but only off-camera

Sawyer: Bachmann defended raising taxes
on poor people because it’s something
Obama wouldn’t do

Stephanopoulos: Gingrich didn’t say anything
offensively stupid so he did what he came to do

Amanpour: I see

Stephanopoulos: the Iowa caucuses
are soon sosomeone will have to shore
up the conservative base

Sawyer: the men came out strapping - you can’t
tell on television the sheer physical presence
of these dudes

Amanpour: thanks for sharing that Diane

[ break ]

Amanpour: Jon I’m sure you don’t want to get
into who won and who lost - so who
won and who lost?

Huntsman: the American people lost -
we need term limits in Washington
because nothing else will get them out of there

Amanpour: Gingrich is popular and you
weren’t even invited to a debate with
Bachman, Paul and Google-boy

Huntsman: People are taking my lawn signs
home as highly limited-edition souvenirs

Amanpour: the pundits love you but
no one else does

Huntsman: those Bush bailouts were bad!

Amanpour: Do you have to win in New Hampshire?

Huntsman: I have to beat market expectations

Amanpour: you used to be the sanest
person in the race and now you doubt climate change

Huntsman: hey you try running for the
Republican nomination

Amanpour: fair enough

[ break ]

Amanpour: the Twitterverse blew up when
Mitt Romney bet the $10,000 he had in his pocket

Berman: Romney’s camp says only poor
people are making a big deal about

Tapper: Democrats are salivating over a
chance to run against Newt Gingrich

Amanpour: Did Gingrich say anything insane?

Karl: surprisingly no - he came across as if
he were a normal person

Amanpour: well that takes the biscuit

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Meet The Press - December 4, 2011

David Axelrod - Obama Campaign Adviser
Reince Prebius - RNC Chair
Fmr. Rep. Harold Ford, Jr. - D-TN
Joe McQuaid - New Hampshire Union Leader
Katty Kay - BBC
Mark Halperin - Time
Gregory: wow it looks like the race is
between Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich

Audience: woot

Gregory: unemployment is down but that’s
because people stopped looking for jobs

Axelrod: Bush lost 6 million jobs and we
created 3 million

Gregory: big woop

Axelrod: we want to create more jobs by
raising taxes on millionaires

Gregory: that’s not very nice of you

Axelrod: this election is going to be about
middle class jobs or giving tax money to Wall Street

Gregory: so you say

Axelrod: did I mention the middle class?

Gregory: the most important thing in America
is cutting the debt - that’s what President
Alan Simpson said

Axelrod: he’s an idiot

Gregory: President Chris Christie says
Obama is a bystander

Axelrod: he would have stood by and let
the auto industry go bankrupt

Gregory: President Erskine Bowles said guys
from Chicago won’t let President cut
Medicare Medicaid and Social Security

Axelrod: who gives a shit what he thinks?

Gregory: I care

Axelrod: well this whole conversation is stupid

Gregory: did the President miss an opportunity
to slash spending in a recession?

Axelrod: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: what about Herman Cain?

Axelrod: he’s just another member of the
Wall Street sponsored clown show

Gregory: Plouffe says Mitt Romney has no soul

Axelrod: that’s obviously true

Gregory: that’s so unfair - he’s a priest
and he’s married!

Axelrod: he stole the hard drives from the Governor’s office

Gregory: he needed those to reboot himself

Axelrod: he totally lacks character

Gregory: what about Newt Gingrich?

Axelrod: he has a moral core just like Ebenezer Scrooge did

Gregory: but you’re being so mean and negative

Axelrod: welcome to the grown-up world Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: does Mitt Romney have character?

Prebius: Obama promised to be a uniter and
instead Republicans said taxpayers were the
Jews for Obama’s ovens - Obama totally failed!

Gregory: the GOP said they want Obama to
be a one-term President

Prebius: but in a uniting kind of way

Gregory: the economy is getting better

Prebius: Obama is unpopular just like Jimmy Carter!

Gregory: he’s more popular than you are

Prebius: Obama could not be any less popular

Gregory: he could be if he were named
Newt Gingrich

Prebius: he’s out campaigning!

Gregory: that’s not uncommon for a candidate

Prebius: he should have the cut the debt like
Reagan, Bush and Bush didn’t!

Gregory: aren’t Democrats mean and nasty?

Prebius: voters are tired of politicians always
campaigning and want someone real and
authentic like Mitt Romney

Gregory: did the media drive
Herman Cain out of the race?

Prebius: um no

Gregory: why GOP voters so fickle - just pick a
crazy person and be done with it?

Prebius: a divisive primary is a good thing -
after all Obama won!

Gingrich: poor children are lazy unless they
are committing crimes

Prebius: just like Wall Street traders

Gregory: does Newt speak for the
Republican party?

Prebius: Obama hates poor people -
look at all the food stamps he’s giving out

Gregory: should the GOP agree to a debate
with a clownish tv host from NBC?

Prebius: you’re welcome to host a debate
any time Fluffy

Gregory: I was talking about Donald Trump

Prebius: well that’s different

[ break ]

Gregory: omg Herman Cain has dropped out
- how can we all carry on?

Kay: he was manifestly unqualified and moron
journalists followed his every move

Halperin: Cain would probably have been the
nominee in my fantasy world

McQuaid: his non-support will now go to Gingrich

Ford: Gingrich is a serious thinker who thinks
seriously about serious things

Gregory: awesome

Ford: he has 30 days to refrain from blaming
Obama that country singer kidnapping her child

Halperin: the GOP want Winston Churchill
so will of course nominate Newt Gingrich

Ford: yes Churchill was also an anti-Kenyan pro-colonialist

Kay: Mitt has to tackle Newt Gingrich which
won’t be easy since has a very low center of gravity

McQuaid: black children should grab a broom and
then we can lay off rich union janitors

Gregory: omg you are awesome

Kay: unemployed people don’t think
they are lazy

Ford: please run on attacking other Americans
as lacking a worth ethic

Gregory: Mitt Romney got freaked out by questions
from Fox News

Halperin: in the past the Establishment would
have rallied around Romney but not if just looks
like an unprincipled flip-flopper

McQuaid: He has to decide what to do with
Newt Gingrich but he will probably flip-flop
on that too

Kay: Newt Gingrich changes his positions
on things too

Gregory: no it’s different - he’s a hypocrite -
not a flip-flpper

Ford: I changes positions too - for example I
didn’t used to think Wall Street was the greatest
thing ever until I worked there

Gregory: so the big news this morning
is that Obama is a big meanie

Halperin: so true Fluffman

Kay: could we not talk about Herman Cain
for a few minutes and mention the imminent
collapse of Europe?

Gregory: no - and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - December 4, 2011

Rick Santorum - Fmr. Sen. (R-PA)
George Will
Donna Brazille
Arianna Huffingon
Major Garrett
Amanpour: oh my - Iran shot down a U.S.
drone, several people were injured
when Oklahoma won a football game and
Newt Gingrich is leading the GOP primary

Gingrich: I’m going to be the nominee bitches!

Romney: This is press conference - I’m
not answering a lot of questions!

Fox News: you have no soul Mittens

Romney: I object - my program states
I do fact have a soul

Gingrich: I was not a lobbyist I just took
money to push for deregulation

Cain: I confess I had a consensual affair and
therefore must drop out

Perry: if you’re 21 years old vote for me!

Obama: unemployment is only 8.6% dammit

Amanpour: Welcome Rick Santorum -
no one likes you

Santorum: true but people used to hate
me so things are looking up

Amanpour: you couldn’t even win in Pennsylvania

Santorum: yes but those people are all idiots

Amanpour: everyone has been the NotRomney
except for you

Santorum: that’s a good thing - I’m flying
under the radar!

Amanpour: are you totally delusional?

Santorum: I think I can win Iowa

Amanpour: wow

Santorum: Many people in Iowa are still open
to voting against me

Amanpour: fascinating

Santorum: I’m pro-war and anti-gay

Amanpour: you have 7 children and one is
very sick so why keep campaigning?

Santorum: Because gay terrorists will ruin
my childrens’ lives

Amanpour: you are on the bottom

Santorum: yes but I could be a top if necessary

Amanpour: Gingrich goes through wives like
most people get new smartphones

Santorum: I don’t like a phone smarter than me

Amanpour: does Newt have values?

Santorum: he’s immoral scum

Amanpour: speaking of lack of ethics -
how about Herman Cain?

Santorum: my heart goes out to Cain and the
many many many women he slept with

Amanpour: Mitt Romney is leading -
should the GOP nominate a poll-driven

Santorum: I’m consistent - look at our records
Google both of us!

Amanpour: oh my

[ break ]

Will: the GOP needs to adjust the primaries
so it is not hijacked by grifters and charlatans
like Herman Cain

Huffington: the media breathlessly followed
this talk show host who was on a book tour

Glen Beck: Rick Santorum is the
next George Washington

Garrett: He may get the coveted
Sarah Palin endorsement!

Amanpour: what about Newt Gingrich?

Brazille: one more debate with these loons
and Obama will be President-for-Life

Huffington: Gingrich is very American -
he’s the Walt Whitman of political hypocrites

Will: Mitt Romney is another Tom Dewey

Amanpour: according to the media he
defeated Truman

Will: Gingrich will unite America in intense
dislike for him

Garrett: Newt will carry early primary
southern states and therefore will likely win
even though he’s a dick

Amanpour: wow

Garrett: Newt creates an ideas factory and
Romney just lays people off

Huffington: Newt cares about poor people

Garrett: he wants to put them in orphanages

Amanpour: so many great ideas - thanks for coming!


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Meet The Press - November 20, 2011

Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ)
Sen. John Kerry (D-MA)
Eugene Robinson
Dee Myers
Ed Gillespie
Mike Murphy
Gregory: holy crap - Newt Gingrich is leading
in the GOP polls and the Super Committee
can’t reach a deal!

Audience: oh noes

Gregory: Senators you both are on the
Super Committee - can we make a deal?

Kyl: Republicans agreed to cut taxes on the
rich in exchange for less spending
on entitlements and the Democrats said no

Gregory: President Norquist is unhappy

Kyl: Republicans agreed to raise taxes
on the middle class - that’s a big step for them!

Gregory: the whole reason for the Committee
is to cut the debt and your first offer to
was extend the Bush tax cuts for rich people

Kyl: no the whole reason for the Committee
was to give the GOP cover for cutting
Social Security Medicaid and Medicare
and the Democrats said no and it’s so so so sad

Gregory: deficit hawks think that’s ridiculous

Kyl: the best way to cut the debt is to
cut taxes for rich people

Gregory: so can you possibly get a deal?

Kyl: we offered the spending cuts Democrats
were willing to concede in exchange for
nothing and they didn’t take it

Gregory: you offered to cut taxes for the
rich which seems weird for a debt-cut commission

Kyl: if poor people were rich people then
they would also get a tax cut

Gregory: ok

Kyl: only the GOP had an innovative idea
- cut taxes for the rich but call it a tax increase

Gregory: what about the automatic cuts in
defense spending - Leon Panetta says they
would invite an attack from our enemies

Kyl: Congress will have to put some effort
into ignoring these automatic cuts and
I believe we can do it

Gregory: so those cuts won’t happen

Kyl: both parties will come together and
pander to fear I am sure

Gregory: what’s the deal with Newt Gingrich?

Kyl: he is a loathsome person

Gregory: Newt Gingrich says Occupy Wall Street
are stealing public parks they didn’t pay for
and also they need a bath

Kyl: they just don’t understand that wealth is
produced by people who take a risk and get
bailed out when it fails

Gregory: are ever embarrassed when you look
at yourself in the mirror?

Kyl: when Democrats won’t cut taxes for
the rich while cutting spending it tells
you all you need to know

Gregory: how about that John

Kerry: Kyl is lying - we just cut $900 billion!

Gregory: ok

Kerry: notice he’s going to ignore the
automatic defense cuts anyway

Gregory: can you make a deal?

Kerry: yes but they are pledged their souls
to Grover Norquist

Gregory: is that so?

Kerry: we’re not a tax cutting committee!
We’re a deficit cutting committee!

Gregory: what about the Toomey plan?

Kerry: the CBO says it raises taxes on
the middle class and cuts them on the rich
- oh and it makes the deficit worse too

Gregory: I see

Kerry: it’s a massive tax cut for the
richest Americans! Criminy!

Gregory: the Wall Street Journal says you are
bad because you won’t cut entitlements

Kerry: we put every fatted golden calf and
sacred cow on the table

Gregory: the horror the horror

Kerry: the GOP insists on cutting taxes for
their rich benefactors

Gregory: I’m glad to hear it

Kerry: we offered $800 billion in cuts up front
and they said no to everything because
Grover Norquist is a fucking nut

Gregory: yikes

Kerry: there is one thing preventing cutting
the debt and that is the GOP insistence on
tax cuts for the rich

Gregory: isn’t this really all Obama’s fault?

Kerry: no you moron

Gregory: yes but Obama can’t make
Congress agree

Kerry: I was just in Arlington visiting the graves of
people who sacrificed their lives for America
and I thought - are billionaires willing to sacrifice
a tiny sliver of their immense wealth or is
that too much to ask?

Gregory: you are the most famous flip-flopper
in American history - is Mitt Romney even worse?

Kerry: Yes! Well maybe - I think so - that’s
for other to say but he could be

Gregory: thanks for coming Senator

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG Newt Gingrich is the new
comeback kid!

Murphy: he’s so awful it indicates how much
people hate Mitt Romney

Gillespie: don’t expect Bachmann and Paul to drop
out early just because they’re total wackos

Gregory: Newt Gingrich had affairs because
hippies won’t take a bath

Robinson: the Internet does not have
enough bandwidth to document all
the Newt scandals

Myers: Gingrich is a fascinating political sociopath

Gregory: even Jack Abramoff thinks
Gingrich is scum

Murphy: Perry could have been the anti-Mitt
but it turns out he’s a blithering idiot

Gregory: Romney is stable and Not-Romney
is up and down and all over the place

Robinson: why not Rick Perry?

Greg: ha - you love him!

Myers: he’s got money but he makes
George W. Bush look like a genius

Gillespie: Obama thinks Americans have
gotten lazy when the real problem is that
American taxes are too high!

Murphy: Perry was lying but Obama is
sooo depressing

Robinson: if you want to see God cry show
him the GOP candidates

Gregory: Herman Cain seems a bit confused

Murphy: he’s the perfect Perry running mate!

Myers: his 15 minutes are up

Murphy: I will miss Herman Cain -
he finally got us talking about federal
consumption tax which will never happen

Gregory: if the Super Committee fails that
will show us how bad both sides are

Gillespie: yes but it’s mostly Obama’s fault

Gregory: should Romney skip Iowa?

Murphy: he doesn’t have to win -
all he has to do it beat Rick Perry

Gregory: what about Occupy Wall Street?

Myers: our politics are skewed to benefit
the richest Americans and the best example
is the GOP debates

Gregory: Happy Thanksgiving everyone -
and that’s another episode of Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - November 20, 2011

Mayor Rahm Emmanuel (D-Chicago)
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)
Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE)
Amanpour: Police fired rubber bullets
and tear gas in a futile effort to keep their
grip on power in U.C. Davis - no wait that was Egypt

Also Obama is invading Australian or something

The GOP candidates got emotional last
night in Iowa except of course for Mitt Romney
who was getting his emotion chip replaced

Gingrich: I took a million dollars from
Freddie Mac for telling them they shouldn’t
give a million dollars to politicians

Pelosi: I don’t have time to debate idiots

Cain: Libya - that’s one of those countries
twirling in my head!

Pizza: If a vegetable can run for President
then so can I

[ break ]

Amanpour: Good morning Rahm -
Is Obama getting really lucky with
his GOP opponents?

Emmanuel: we gave the GOP a surplus and
they gave us a debt and a Depression and
now they want to do it all over again

Amanpour: But Obama promised to make
the Republicans act sane and he has failed
so we should elect Republicans

Emmanuel: Obama has tried to work with
the GOP and they said their only goal is
destroy Obama - so excuse me Christiane
but it’s their fucking fault

Amanpour: But Obama failed in making
the Super Committee make a deal

Emmanuel: Obama can’t make these
jackasses act like patriots Christiane

Amanpour: you’re very partisan

Emmanuel: damn right I am

Amanpour: how do win re-election

Emmanuel: tell people they have two choices:
Obama who stands with the middle class
and Mitt Romney who stands with the 1%

Amanpour: the 99% are getting their skulls
cracked and eyes peppered

Emmanuel: In the Bush years the middle
class got completely hammered and intend
to do some skull-cracking on their behalf

Amanpour: does Team Obama think
the nominee will be Romney?

Will: yes and they are probably right

Noonan: Obama can only win by tearing
Romney down which is so sad

Krugman: also no other candidate could
possibly beat Obama

Dowd: the presidential race is much like
college football but with less child rape

Krugman: we have one slick opportunist
and a bunch of fools and clowns

Will: my wife is advising Perry - having
said that - Newt Gingrich is a cheap whore

Noonan: that’s so unfair - Gingrich is an
expensive whore

Krugman: good point Peggy

Dowd: Newt is not a lobbyist - he’s paid
millions of dollars to influence government
on behalf of corporations

Will: Newt is an insufferable pompous
twit and an ethanol prostitute

Dowd: Ron Paul will win Iowa then New
Hampshire and we will have our first
certifiable President

Noonan: When Paul wins Iowa the country
will finally wake up and see that primary
voters are nuts

Krugman: Gingrich is a stupid person’s idea
of what a smart person sounds like

Noonan: Gingrich has a brilliantly novel tactic
- attack the media

Amanpour: oh my

Will: Ron Paul will run as third-party candidate
in 2012 and give the election to Obama

Noonan: oh my

Amanpour: Marco how many jobs will
your plan create?

Rubio: Job creators!

Am: anything else?


Amanpour: Chris how about that?

Coons: Balanced! Bipartisan!

Amanpour: will this pass?

Rubio: yes because I am adorable

Amanpour: is that true Senator Coons?

Coons: yes - he is adorable

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Meet The Press - November 13, 2011

Gov. Tom Corbett (R-PA)
Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN)
Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (R-FL)
E.J. Dionne
David Books
Gregory: Governor are there more
victims that we don’t know about?

Corbett: almost certainly

Gregory: For parents with young children
like me who hear about an institutional
cover up of child rape we’re kind of shocked

Corbett: the people involved lack morals

Gregory: McQueary is on administrative leave
- is that enough?

Corbett: well he’s a valuable witness

Gregory: Paterno was only legally obligated
to report it to his boss - should the law
be changed?

Corbett: yes - being against child molesting
is bipartisan

Gregory: what hell was going on at
Second Mile??

Corbett: I don’t know but it seems like there
was some evil incestuous shit going down in
State College PA

Gregory: good god man how many people
knew about this and what is wrong with people?

Corbett: we have an investigation to find out
what kind of sick culture existed at Penn State

Gregory: did big football destroy Penn
State’s morals?

Corbett: no because small schools can be
corrupt too

Gregory: Should Penn State still be playing
football at a time like this?

Corbett: yes because we all love a good game

Gregory: Could this destroy Penn State?

Corbett: yes but they have a lot of sweet
football money socked away

Gregory: who else is going to be arrested?

Corbett: maybe lots of lots of people

[ break ]

Gregory: Rep. Bachmann should Congress
investigate Penn State?

Bachmann: I’m a mother and I would like to
beat this molesting bastard to a pulp

Gregory: but what about Congress - after all
they investigated steroids

Bachmann: Fluffy Congress is busy doing
nothing on many other issues

Gregory: fair enough

Gregory: you say you are the only conservative
in the race

Bachmann: darn right

Gregory: not Mitt Romney?

Bachmann: I opposed ObamaCare and he
implemented ObamaCare in Massachusetts!

Gregory: do you think Romney has no principles?

Bachmann: he’s in favor of gay marriage and
probably that weird stuff on Big Love

Gregory: you’re a woman

Bachmann: yes

Gregory: what about Herman Cain’s harassment

Bachmann: he’s a wackdoodle

Gregory: yes but so many Presidential
candidates are

Bachmann: but I won the Iowa straw poll

Gregory: Rick Perry has proved to be a moron
so maybe you can still win?

Bachmann: I plan to win Iowa, lose New
Hampshire and take South Carolina and
then victory!

Gregory: you say Obama let the ACLU to run
the CIA and is purposefully losing the
war on terror

Bachmann: absolutely

Gregory: he killed Osama bin Laden

Bachmann: yes but we have no jail for
terrorists so Obama just lets them all go!

Gregory: what the hell are you talking about?

Bachmann: the CIA doesn’t torture people and
that’s what I’m interested in

Gregory: okey dokey

Bachmann: when we catch terrorists we give
them a slap on the wrist with the wimpy
Army Field Manual which is totally gay

Gregory: most Generals don’t agree with torture

Bachmann: yes but noted ghoul Dick Cheney
agrees with me

Gregory: that’s just creepy

Bachmann: Bush won the war in Iraq and
Obama is losing it including all that money
wasted on that wonderful war

Gregory: one more quick question -
are you insane?

Bachmann: the people of Iraq should pay us
back for the cost of invading their country by
mistake including millions of dollars for every
American soldier killed

Gregory: thanks for coming crazy lady

Gregory: Debbie the debates don’t make
Obama look good but the economy still sucks

Wasserman-Schultz: yes but the GOP are evil

Gregory: people are worse off than they
were 4 years ago

Wasserman-Schultz: no they aren’t Fluffy
- we’re adding millions of jobs

Gregory: why doesn’t Obama make the Super
Committee cut the debt?!?

Wasserman-Schultz: how about taxing
millionaires and billionaires?

Gregory: the GOP proposed raising taxes
this week

Wasserman-Schultz: oh bullshit Fluffy -
they only did that in exchange for lower taxes
for rich people which would increase the debt

Gregory: but Obama raised the debt

Wasserman-Schultz: the GOP borrowed money
to pay for 2 wars, a fancy prescription drug program
and tax cuts for the rich

Gregory: but the debt is still high

Wasserman-Schultz: you are exceptionally
dim Fluffy

Gregory: the debt!

Wasserman-Schultz: we adding private sector
jobs like crazy

Gregory: ok ok Debbie

Wasserman-Schultz: check your facts!

Gregory: alright ha ha

[ break ]

Gregory: Cain is almost tied for the lead
and he’s an idiot harasser

Brooks: because he’s a lot of fun

Gregory: Perry forgot the three agencies
he would do away with

Dionne: omg that was painful to watch

Gregory: Poor Ricky

Dionne: the Democrats should pay for a
GOP debate every week

Gregory: we already have that

Dionne: there is a room another candidate
to get in believe it or not

Gregory: who is Obama?

Brooks: no one knows - some say he is a
Kenyan muslim and other says is he a British
anti-colonial Indonesian

Dionne: Romney wants to start a war with
Iran which I’m not sure is Americans’ first priority

Gregory: Maureen Dowd says Penn State is
almost as bad as the Catholic Church

Dionne: Now we know about alleged horrific
misdeeds which were covered up and so far
the penalty paid by the University is nothing at all

Greg: kids on campus rioted in favor of
Joe Paterno - what hell?

Brooks: in the 1960s kids smoked pot and said
‘if it feels good do it’ and America forgot the
difference between right from wrong and evil
and sin all that stuff hippies do

Dionne: I think people know child molesting is bad

Brooks: people don’t intervene when they
hear racist comments

Dionne: that would ruin most Thanksgiving dinners

Gregory: do really think that people really
not know that child rape is wrong?

Brooks: yes because of the Kitty Genovese case

Gregory: there’s no reporting requirement
in Pennsylvania

Brooks: we are too obsessed with the law
in this nation

Dionne: I was shocked by the extent of the
Penn State cover-up

Greg: but after the Catholic Church scandal
I would have thought not nothing could shock you

Dionne: but this isn’t about a bunch of men
and boys in funny outfits who get together every
Sunday who believe they have supernatural powers
- this is about big time college football!

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - November 13, 2011

Gov. Tom Corbett (R-PA)
Christine Brennan
George Will
Donna Brazile
Jonathan Karl
Dana Loesch
Amanpour: Good morning - the big news
this morning is Rick Perry did not make a
fool of himself last night

Karl: of course Rick Perry was invited on
every tv show after

Cain: Anita Hill may endorse me ha ha

Gingrich: what businesses will pay for our parks?

Romney: who do I have to harass to lead
in the polls?

Amanpour: Governor why did Penn State
cover up child rape for so long?

Corbett: I have appointed a commission to
help the University move on from this

Amanpour: ok but why didn’t they call the
police instead of sweeping it under the rug?

Corbett: I have no idea Christiane

Amanpour: will Joe Paterno be prosecuted?

Corbett: Just because he hasn’t been charged
yet doesn’t me he should relax

Amanpour: why didn’t McQueery stop a
child rape or I don’t know - call the cops

Corbett: excellent question

Amanpour: Should Paterno have taken
some responsibility?

Corbett: ask him

Amanpour: I’m asking you if adults should
cover up child rape

Corbett: I’m going to say no on that one

[ break ]

Amanpour: Is this evidence of how powerful
college football is?

Brennan: damm right - you can’t oppose
Joe fucking Paterno

Amanpour: McQueary didn’t call the cops
about a child rape?

Brennan: he probably thought he was being
heroic by going to Paterno’s house on his day off

Amanpour: that’s amazing

Brennan: the President of Penn State read
the grand jury report about child rape and
called it groundless

Amanpour: crickey

Brennan: half of Pennsylvania knew

Amanpour: so will this happen again?

Brennan: it will unless a lot changes

Amanpour: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Will: a multi-billion dollar entertainment
industry grafted onto higher education
leads to moral derangement

Amanpour: interesting

Will: we need to know whether knew
about rape or only fondling

Brazile: oh come - beat the shit out of that guy!

Loesch: at least physically stop it

Karl: cancel the football season!

Amanpour: the audience at a GOP debate
booed questions about sex harassment

Karl: in his defense he doesn’t want to
talk about it

Will: Republicans say character matters -
well we shall see

Brazile: four women is a pattern

Will: my wife is in charge of Rick Perry’s
debate preparation

Amanpour: do you think the man who just
hired your wife will win?

Will: yes because we all know Obama is gaffe-prone

Loesch: Perry looks smart now because he went
on David Letterman

Karl: let me clue you in - Perry is finished

Amanpour: Newt is gaining - what is going on?

Brazile: he’s attacking the media - you can’t
go wrong with that

Will: also he’s a jerk and people like that

Amanpour: will the SuperCommitte cut $1 trillion?

McConnell: Obama planned the Super Committee
to fail to make me look stupid

Brazile: he doesn’t need Obama’s help for that

Will: the Democrats keep saying no to GOP offers
to raise taxes on the rich

Loesch: we must cut entitlements!

Karl: who really thinks that those automatic
cuts will happen

Will: Harry Reid and Obama at fighting
and I love it

Karl: the GOP are such wonderful generous
people Donna

Amampour: but this election on Tuesday
was not good for conservatives

Karl: no the election was bad for liberals!

Amanpour: Obama is leading in Ohio

Will: the GOP need to carry uneducated
white people

Brazile: we’re all trying to reach out to those
loveable rednecks

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Meet The Press - November 6, 2011

Gov. Haley Barbour (R-MS)
Bill Richardson (D-NM)
Jon Huntsman (R-UT)
Chris Matthews
Kim Strassel
Maggie Haberman
Alex Castellanos
Gregory: Good morning - Herman Cain says
he is back on message end of story!

Barbour: bad news is not like a fine wine it
does not improve with age

Gregory: what about a fine whine

Barbour: that’s different

Gregory: is the harassment scandal really
just going to go away?

Richardson: the GOP wants to criminalize
in vitro fertilization - face it they’re just weird

Barbour: look I’m not a doctor of a priest
- all I know if life begins when the sperm
thingy meets the magic eggo

Gregory: will Herman Cain be more popular
because of these sex harassments charges?

Barbour: yes because this is just like
Clarence Thomas when people only
called him a pervert because he’s
a black conservative

Gregory: but these are not new charges Governor

Barbour: Cain’s accusers should do him
a favor and come out describe what
happened in detail

Gregory: she signed a non-disclosure agreement

Barbour: pshaw Fluffy

Gregory: Cain wants an electrified barbed
wire fence to prevent China from getting
a nuclear bomb

Richardson: Obama killed bin Laden, shot
some pirates, got Qaddafi and signed free
trade agreements - he’s rockin and rollin’!

Barbour: harruumph

[ break ]

Gregory: Welcome Jon Huntsman

Huntsman: nice to see you David

Gregory: Herman Cain is an uninformed
gaffe-prone harasser and he’s still beating you

Huntsman: I know!

Gregory: do you think China will get
the bomb?

Huntsman: ha

Gregory: I’m scared of the Chinese

Huntsman: I know those orientals
intimately well

Gregory: Have you ever met General Tso?

Huntsman: you can’t spell Huntsman
without ‘Hunan’

Gregory: what about future President Romney?

Huntsman: he should run for President of
the Waffle House!

Gregory: name one thing he’s changed his
position on

Huntsman: abortion, gay rights, health care, guns…

Gregory: ok ok we get it

Huntsman: I could go on

Gregory: do you think we will ever have a
Mormon President?

Huntsman: of course we will

Gregory: how can you be so sure?

Huntsman: yes because America has hit a wall

Gregory: do you think the GOP has become
too extreme?

Huntsman: we can’t reject basic science Fluffy

Gregory: Can Mitt Romney beat Obama?

Huntsman: it depends on what his positions
are on election day

Gregory: good point

Huntsman: but he can’t win anyway

Gregory: you seem smart and yet you endorsed
Sarah Palin

Huntsman: I gave that speech because I had
once met Sarah Palin which is more than
John McCain ever had

Gregory: do you share her views?

Huntsman: yes I also believe she should
not run for President

Gregory: do you believe GOP voters are
a little crazy?

Huntsman: Hey I love guns and fetuses
as much as anyone

Gregory: you used to be in favor of health care
mandates and then you flip-flopped

Huntsman: we need to allow people to
shop around for health insurance and then
- problem solved!

Gregory: you said the 2009 stimulus was too small

Huntsman: I meant we need more tax cuts!

Gregory: you would have voted against TARP

Hunstman: yes

Gregory: are you serious?

Hunstman: no

Gregory: what is your position?

Hunstman: Bailouts are bad!

Gregory: does life begin at fertilization?

Hunstman: no it begins at conception -
except for rape then it doesn’t

Gregory: you’re part of the 1%

Hunstman: I am rich yes

Gregory: no that’s your popularity

Hunstman: we’re putting everything into
losing New Hampshire to Mitt Romney

Gregory: Sounds like a plan

Gregory: you have fun hot daughters who are
already more popular than you

Hunstman: I know!

[ break ]

Gregory: Herman Cain has announced that
his sex scandal is over and that’s the end
of the story!

Haberman: Cain says the code of ethics of
journalism means he doesn’t have to answer
questions about who he harassed

Strassel: When he gets a 3:00 am phone call
who will he harass?

Matthews: if there was good news in Cain’s
background you would know about it

Gregory: he says his decade-old harassment
charge is because the media hates an outsider

Castellanos: Cain is developing antibodies
and an immunity from future scandal

Matthews: Americans are cranky assholes
so they love Chris Christie and Herman Cain

Haberman: he says he expected to be attacked
because he is a black conservative

Strassel: voters know that in the 1990s there
lots of fake sex harassment accusations

Gregory: Cain thinks China is a dangerously
close to getting the bomb

Matthews: it suggests he hasn’t read newspapers
for a half-century or ever listened to Tom Lehrer

Castellanos: the GOP will either nominate a
flip-flopper or an idiot

Issa: as a former car thief I think you need to
learn about public affairs before running for office

Castellanos: I predict Mitt Romney will become
a black woman from De Moines

Gregory: Chris you say JFK forged political
bonds early

Matthews: he did it in high school and the Navy
and at Harvard RFK would knee-cap anyone
who opposed the Kennedys

Gregory: that’s awesome

Matthews: who is Obama’s vicious enforcer?

Gregory: Joe Biden?

Matthews: Obama made Jon Hunstman
Ambassador to China and he ran against Obama
- Bobby would have had him shipped to the Siberia!

Haberman: no one fears Barack Obama

Matthews: every politician must create a tight
network of terrifying loyalists

Castellanos: Obama is too nice and smart to
be the American President

Matthews: Team Clinton is out there and ready
to move with Hillary’s Army

Gregory: Huntsman says Romney has no core

Strassel: Mitt can’t change any position now or
he looks even worse

Castellanos: Obama is a flip-flopper too so there

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - November 6, 2011

Speaker John Boehner (R-OH)
Fmr. Sec. of State Condolezza Rice
Niall Ferguson
Arianna Huffington
George Will
Matthew Dowd
Amanpour: good morning Cain and Gingrich
are like Lincoln and Douglas if they had harassed
women and Abe wasn’t gay

Karl: Herman Cain says there was either no
settlement or several and anyway the real
issue is Rick Perry needs to apologize to America

Perry: no was Jose!

Karl: Cain is still beating Romney and Rick Perry
is hopped up on painkillers and had his
best week ever

Amanpour: 74% think the country is on the
wrong track and disapprove of Obama
and Congress

Amanpour: Speaker Boehner what are
you doing to create jobs?

Boehner: we passed a free trade agreement
with Panama!

Amanpour: time for golf then

Boehner: the House is passing bills like crazy
but then they die in the Senate

Amanpour: what about taxing millionaires?

Boehner: it’s a little know fact that most rich
people are actually poor

Amanpour: really?

Boehner: we have a spending problem!

Amanpour: you said you are willing
to raise revenues

Boehner: yes by cutting taxes

Amanpour: Interesting

Boehner: I am willing to cut taxes if the
Democrats will agree to cut spending

Amanpour: what is your biggest regret?

Boehner: taking this stupid annoying job

Amanpour: I see

Boehner: I thought Obama and I could agree
to wreck the government but we couldn’t
it’s so sad
[ weeps]

Amanpour: the Super Committee won’t
agree will they?

Boehner: If it was easy I would have tried it!

Amanpour: what about draconian defense cuts?

Boehner: do you know how much spend
on defense now?

Amanpour: could you and Obama still agree
on a big debt cut package?

Boehner: no because he was mean to me

Amanpour: there is a massive income gap
in this country and spending cuts could hurt people

Boehner: oh that could never happen

Amanpour: no?

Boehner: the best way to help poor people
is to help rich people

Amanpour: there is less social mobility in
America than elsewhere

Boehner: the reason I came here 21 years
ago was to pass checks out from lobbyists
on the House floor and I did it

Amanpour: you must be so proud

Amanpour: you said you understand Occupy
Wall Street complaints but Rep. Cantor
called them a mob

Boehner: I understand the frustration but
it’s class warfare and it’s immoral

Amanpour: what about shared sacrifice?

Boehner: no one suffers more than the
rich in America

Amanpour: People despise Congress

Boehner: that’s the media fault

Amanpour: okay

Boehner: the Founders designed Congress
not to work and we should respect them!

Amanpour: Is Romney the stiffest candidate

Boehner: undoubtedly

Amanpour: what about Herman Cain?

Boehner: I’m trying to create jobs Christiane!

Amanpour: Can you work with Obama?

Boehner: I am the most honest person
in Washington - everyone knows exactly
where I stand

Amanpour: for the lobbyists that pay you

Boehner: exactly

Amanpour: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Amanpour: the economy is still weak

Ferguson: people have too much personal debt
which keeps them out of shopping malls

Will: that and the unwashed masses

Huffington: Boehner is waving laminated jobs
plans and Obama is standing on crumbling
bridges but no one does anything

Dowd: the America people get to decide whether
we are in a recession

Amanpour: I trust them

Dowd: no Republican or Democrat has
any clue on how to rescue America

Amanpour: what about the Super Committee?

Will: they will pretend to let the big cuts happen
and then Congress won’t make the cuts

Ferguson: Presiding over a recession looks
like a miscalculation by Obama

Huffington: politicians all over the world
have made that mistake - look at Greece

Ferguson: America needs to export to Europe
and they’re circling the drain

Dowd: the average American is very worried
about Europe

Amanpour: are they really?

Dowd: I mean who’s in charge?!

Huffington: corrupt oligarchs!

Amanpour: what about Herman Cain

Dowd: the left and right are equally to blame
because we all break into tribes and throw
rocks at each other

Amanpour: thank you for that bunch of
tired clich├ęs Matty

Huffington: he was always an idiot so why are
we even talking about Herman Cain?

Ferguson: well you can certainly be stupid and
still be elected President

Amanpour: he doesn’t know that China has
had nukes for 40 years

Ferguson: that level of imbecility should
disqualify this twit

Amanpour: Is Mitt a flip-flopper?

Will: his only strong belief is that he should
be President

Dowd: conservatives fear that as soon as he wins
the nomination he will swing to the center

Ferguson: well he should

Huffington: don’t forget Jon Huntsman

Dowd: the Gingrich wave is coming!

Amanpour: is Rick Perry drunk or on painkillers?

Dowd: possibly both

Will: Mitt Romney will probably be the next
President because he is our Henry of Navarre

Amanpour: he starved the people of Paris until
they had to eat rats

Will: then he’s perfect

[ break ]

Amanpour: do you think Obama is doing a good
job on the war on terror?

Rice: I have to admit he is - the death toll is
very impressive

Amanpour: shouldn’t Obama leave at least
10,000 troops in Iraq?

Rice: OMG you are so right Christiane

Amanpour: didn’t Obama make a huge mistake
in listening to a bunch of pointy headed lawyers!!

Rice: I know! What was he thinking?!

Amanpour: Isn’t Obama going to waste all
the lives of people who died in Iraq?

Rice: seriously - it’s like you read my mind

Amanpour: Isn’t it crazy to leave Afghanistan!?!

Rice: it’s insane sister!

Amanpour: Shouldn’t America get tough on Iran!?!

Rice: well we can’t attack Iran if we don’t have
troops in Iraq

Amanpour: GOP candidates seem proud of
their lack of knowledge on foreign policy

Rice: oh Cain was just joking about Uzbekistan
- I think

Amanpour: he doesn’t know that China already
has a nuclear bomb

Rice: he must have misspoken -
no could be that ignorant

Amanpour: are you sure?

Rice: look George W. Bush didn’t know anything
either and his foreign policy turned out great

Amanpour: well I feel better now

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Meet The Press - October 30, 2011

David Plouffe - Obama Campaign
Jennifer Granholm
Walter Isaacson
Tom Brokaw
Mike Murphy
Gregory: what’s wrong in Washington?

Plouffe: the GOP will do anything to protect
rich people

Gregory: let’s talk about the most important
issue in America - Solyndra

Plouffe: we need to fund green energy

Gregory: I don’t see why?

Plouffe: these loan programs are a good use
of government money Fluffy

Gregory: but should government play
venture capitalist?

Plouffe: well you play journalist

Gregory: good one Pluffy

Plouffe: anyway this was a Bush
administration program

Gregory: will you cooperate with a
Congressional subpoena?

Plouffe: yes - if it will create jobs

Gregory: is the President in a funk?

Plouffe: the President is totally funky!

Gregory: he seems depressed about
the election

Plouffe: we ended the Iraq, repealed DADT,
passed health care reform and killed
Osama bin Laden

Gregory: Saint Stephen of the Apple said
to Obama “you’re going to be a
one-term President”

Plouffe: he also created the Lisa

Gregory: blasphemer - Steve Jobs
was a god among men

Plouffe: we were almost in a Depression
when Obama took office

Gregory: how do answer the charge that
Obama did not create the iPod?

Plouffe: the GOP wants to repeal
environmental laws and lower taxes
on the top 1%

Gregory: who will the GOP nominee be?

Plouffe: does it matter - their policies
are all terrible!

Gregory: is Cain for real?

Plouffe: he’s really crazy - but that’s not a
barrier to getting the GOP nomination

Gregory: what about Mitt Romney?

Plouffe: Romney flip-flopped on laws of
abortion, gay rights, taxes and gravity

Gregory: is Obama down with
Occupy Wall Street?

Plouffe: even non-hippies are pissed off
at inequality Fluffy!

Gregory: so will Obama hold a drum circle
in the Rose Garden?

Plouffe: We love the free market but the
Republicans wants Wall street to write its
own rules - that didn’t go so well the first time

Gregory: thanks for coming Pluffer

[ break ]

Gregory: Panel I have noticed some people
like Obama and some don’t

Brokaw: Obama has found his voice ever
since the GOP went completely insane

Gregory: Obama went from Hope & Change
to Funkadelic

Granholm: Obama demonstrated for 3 years
that he was willing to compromise and
now he’s ready for a fight

Gregory: People think the country is on
the wrong track - why isn’t Obama doing worse?

Murphy: Plouffe owes Romney an apology for
calling him a flip-flopper

Gregory: but he is a flip-flopper

Murphy: but it’s not fair!!

Isaacson: I know Herman Cain personally
and he always seemed like a normal person

Gregory: really?

Isaacson: Cain has finally allowed America
to debate whether to give even more money
to the richest people in the country

Brokaw: the GOP is still trying to find a sane
candidate who they actually like

Gregory: that’s not going to be easy

Granholm: Mitt Romney has no principles at all!

Murphy: People love Cain because he is
definitely not from Washington

Gregory: New York Magazine tried to smear
Romney as a rich greedy capitalist slimeball
from Wall Street

Isaacson: that’s completely unfair -
Mitt Romney is from Boston

Brokaw: I was stunned by Cain’s smoking ad -
after all cigarettes do kill you

Gregory: real independent Americans don’t
let the nanny state tell you not to poison
yourself with cancer-causing chemicals

Murphy: that was pot Tom

Gregory: the great debate in America is
whether there is too much inequality or if
the rich are greatly suffering from a
graduated tax

Granholm: oh my fucking god

Murphy: Perry won’t commit to a flat tax -
pull the trigger cowboy!

Gregory: Tom you worry about a lack of
shared national purpose

Brokaw: the elderly’s message is
“I got mine screw you”

Gregory: old people really scare me

Brokaw: we need to make hard calls like
we did in World War Two - why won’t
someone attack America please!

Gregory: will our grandchildren lead better lives?

Brokaw: no of course not

Gregory: speaking of civic identity -
Steve Jobs created his own reality

Isaacson: they call it a reality distortion field
- kind of like watching Meet The Press

Gregory: why can’t Washington leaders
create reality like he did?

Isaacson: because we live in democracy Fluffy

Brokaw: Jobs had a great vision and also
a good idea which helps

Murphy: he thought long-term which is
rare in Washington or America for that matter

Isaacson: he didn’t care about quarterly
profits and look what he accomplished

Gregory: what is the lesson from
Steve Jobs’ life?

Isaacson: cut taxes for the rich and
raise them for the poor

Gregory: what do you think of
Steve Jobs Jennifer?

Granholm: there are people suffering
in this country and it’s not the rich

Gregory: America needs a rich weird
dickish dictator!

Brokaw: Labels are bad! Bipartisanship is good!

Murphy: Plouffe criticized Mitt Romney
for not having principles which is
not bipartisan at all!

Gregory: the poor appear to be getting restless

Isaacson: mister we could use man like
Andrew Jackson again

Brokaw: it’s true Romney is a flipper
but is he a flopper?

Murphy: Rick Perry is the real flip-flopper!

Brokaw: the Republican debates are
mainly watched by junkies

Gregory: indeed hard-core devotees of politics

Brokaw: no I mean actual meth addicts

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - October 30, 2011

Michele Bachmann (R-MN)
Austan Goolsbee
Dick Armey
Ron Brownstein
Cokie Roberts
George Will
Amanpour: good morning - there was a
major snowstorm in October and there was
a deadly attack in Kabul

Tapper: one of the worst ever Christiane

Amanpour: too bad - now we have to stay
in Afghanistan forever

Tapper: of course

Amanpour: Cain is leading Iowa!

Karl: Herman Cain’s campaign videos
have dudes on horseback smoking
and chugging whiskey

Audience: yee ha

Perry: shoot I may skip debatin’ dang it

Audience: oh noe

Romney: I don’t talk about politics -
that’s for the people to decide

Karl: Hillary Clinton for President!

Amanpour: Michele Bachmann was the leader
and now no one cares about her - it will take
a miracle for her to get the nomination

Bachmann: I’m sitting right here

Amanpour: oh hai

Bachmann: I’m still running for President!

Amanpour: are you sure?

Bachmann: Remember Fred Thompson?

Amanpour: wasn’t he a bad actor on
some crime show?

Bachmann: I’m the tip of the spear!

Amanpour: Are concentrating all of your
efforts on Iowa?

Bachmann: not all - I’m also focused on
losing New Hampshire

Amanpour: how could you possibly recover
from losing Iowa?

Bachmann: I wrote one the few hundred bills
to repeal Obamacare!

Amanpour: as President would you declare
war on Iran?

Bachmann: I would be very different from
Obama on Iran

Amanpour: how?

Bachmann: by not taking my eye off the
Iran nuclear ball

Amanpour: that should take care of the problem

Bachmann: we should listen whenever an
insane person speaks!

Amanpour: Is that your campaign slogan?

Bachmann: Iran was going to blow up a
Washington DC restaurant where dozens of
expense accounts could have been damaged!

Amanpour: would you go to war with Iran or not?

Bachmann: oh no because it’s not in our
national interest

Amanpour: you would have left Qadaffi in power

Bachmann: Obama is a very sneaky muslim
who secretly wanted to overthrow that nice
man Qaddafi without telling Congress

Amanpour: how underhanded

Bachmann: there is great uncertainty in Libya -
why extremists could take power in Libya which
would be terrible!

Amanpour: so very little cost and no troops
killed - and you still say it wasn’t worth it?

Bachmann: yes because in Libya there is a
struggle for power - do we want someone good
and decent like Qadaffi or an extremist who might
use oil revenues to create a global Caliphate??

Amanpour: you said 59,000 Yemenis and Syrians
came instead of 11 people from Yemen which
seems slightly off

Bachmann: look if there is even one undocumented
immigrant that proves Obama is letting terrorists
into America

Amanpour: also Yemen is not a state
sponsor of terror

Bachmann: Yes but they are coming from
Mexico and I would a build a big fence
argle bargle!!

Amanpour: Are you soft on flat taxes?

Bachmann: the biggest problem in America is
that poor people in the U.S. are not paying
enough federal income tax

Amanpour: I see

Bachmann: I would abolish the federal tax code
and replace it with a a series of graduated
income tax rates

Amanpour: thank for that amazing interview
Rep. Bachmann

[ break ]

Amanpour: Can Herman Cain win?

Will: He’s ahead because no one in Iowa in
paying attention

Roberts: He’s just this week’s alternative to
Mitt Romney

Brownstein: Lots of people hate Romney but
they can’t decide who else is crazy enough

Roberts: which makes him a lot of fun!

Amanpour: Dick do you like Cain?

Armey: You can tell he’s authentic because
he’s so fucking weird

Amanpour: will the Tea Party endorse him?

Armey: don’t be ridiculous

Amanpour: why not?

Armey: I love my grandchildren!

Amanpour: you like Rick Perry?

Armey: we’ve known since 1984 that a flat tax
works and Rick Perry figured it out this week

Brownstein: who can stop Mitt Romney?

Will: Mitt Romney - and I believe he can do it

Amanpour: should Perry skip the debates?

Will: he should skip sucking at them

Amanpour: well obviously George

Will: I miss Lincoln-Douglas

Goolsbee: if you can’t debate Romney you sure
as heck can’t debate Obama

Roberts: the debates are very shallow and
I love them

Brownstein: the debates help remind us who
the hell these people are

Amanpour: Rick Perry will let you choose
your own low taxes

Goolsbee: Rick Perry is the political equivalent
of the leisure suit

Amanpour: good one Austan

Goolsbee: they’re all fighting over who can
lower taxes on the rich the most!

Armey: I don’t understand why all you communists
don’t want to raise taxes on the poor

Brownstein: Mitt Romney is one of those
commies who once opposed a flat tax

Armey: that’s not fair Mitt Romney has held
every political position

Amanpour: good point Dick


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Meet The Press - October 23, 2011

Hillary Clinton (U.S. Sec. of State)
Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX)
Andrea Mitchell
Jack Welch (Fmr. CEO of GE)
Harold Ford (Morgan Stanley)
David Brooks
Gregory: After eight years in Iraq we spent
$700 billion and lost have 4,000 lives -
should we really leave when things
are going so well?

Gregory: Also Qaddafi is dead and Mitt Romney
touched Rick Perry!

Gregory: Good morning Hillary - Republicans
say if we leave Iraq it could possibly turn violent

Clinton: oh noe!

Gregory: yes really!

Clinton: you know Fluffy Bush committed
to withdrawing troops at the end of 2011

Gregory: but he was an idiot

Clinton: true - but we are going to have a
mature relationship with Iraq - no more
spitballs, name-calling and not sharing
the back seat of the car

Gregory: don’t we endanger our great
success war with Iraq with the possibility of war?

Clinton: we’re leaving and that’s it

Gregory: but I’m scared of Iran

Clinton: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: Isn’t it awful that Iran could
push Iraq around?

Clinton: that’s our job!

Gregory: right

Clinton: I’m kidding Greggers

Gregory: do you stand by your vote
authorizing invasion of Iraq?

Clinton: let’s not bicker about who wanted
to invade what country based on lies

Gregory: was the Iraq war worth it?

Clinton: Iraq is lovely free place now

Gregory: Isn’t it sad how Qaddafi was killed?

Clinton: yes there needs to be a thorough
investigation of how a feared dictator
somehow got killed by his long-oppressed people

Gregory: you said you would bomb anyone
in Pakistan who supports terrorism

Clinton: we Afghans are doing our part
and the Pakistanis need to as well

Gregory: that’s good

Clinton: we need to double our efforts
to kill any threats in any of the Stans

Gregory: Do you think the GOP candidates
can answer the 3:00 a.m. phone call?

Clinton: I will tell you this Fluffy - from
bin Laden to Alwaki to Qaddafi - I would
not fuck with Barack Obama

Gregory: ok

Clinton: I mean it David - we can’t take
a risk with this crop of morons!

Gregory: thanks for coming Hillary

[ break ]

Gregory: Ron Paul you would eliminate 5
cabinet departments and cut a trillion
dollars in spending

Paul: absolutely

Gregory: wouldn’t that cause a huge
amount of hardship?

Paul: no because the money would go
back to the people

Gregory: you would stop inspection
of nuclear plants?

Paul: well maybe not that

Gregory: oh well ok then

Paul: look I hate war and Social Security

Gregory: wouldn’t all those spending
cuts prevent economic recovery?

Paul: no because the government has taken
over the economy!

Gregory: would you abolish all student aid?

Paul: yes because most people should
not go to college

Gregory: even Rand?

Paul: especially him

Paul: I worked my way through medical
school participating in innovative medical
experiments and I turned out just fine

Gregory: clearly

Gregory: you would get rid of government’s
role in housing

Paul: yes because government prints money
and makes derivatives!

Gregory: but housing prices would go down

Paul: good!

Gregory: but I like my artificially expensive house

Paul: we bail out everyone and dump
debt on the people!

Gregory: what about pulling troops
out of Iraq?

Paul: we’re going to leave 15,000 CIA agents
and the Turks are working with Iran

Gregory: I didn’t know that

Paul: in other words we’re never leaving

Gregory: you would have left bin Laden alive!

Paul: no I would have killed him but I thought
prolonged occupation all over the world was stupid

Gregory: doesn’t the U.S. have a moral obligation
to help all people all over the world

Paul: No Fluffy - volunteers can handle
international conflicts

Gregory: what about the Drone Wars

Paul: they kill innocent people!

Gregory: what would you do if Iran invades Israel

Paul: pull your head out of your ass Fluffy
- Israel has 300 nuclear weapons!

Gregory: you said ‘taxation is immoral’

Paul: no ‘taxation is theft’

Gregory: I apologize

Paul: the government is not the boss of me!

Gregory: you want to get rid of Social Security

Paul: yes but I want to take care of the elderly
by cutting spending

Gregory: would you cut benefits?

Paul: no!

Gregory: so you would get rid of Social Security
but not cut benefits

Paul: yes because young people want to take
care of themselves right now until they get old

Gregory: you hate the debates

Paul: the entire world is falling apart and
we’re talking who is mowing Mitt Romney’s yard!

Gregory: is there no difference between
Romney and Obama?

Paul: Audit the Fed! Cut Social Security!
Cut a trillion dollars!

Gregory: wow

Paul: Occupy Wall Street and the Tea Party
agree - why is the government printing money?!?!

Gregory: thanks for coming doc

[ break ]

Gregory: Andrea Obama is taking credit just
because we’re leaving Iraq and freed Libya
without losing any troops

Mitchell: If leaving Iraq turns out to be a
good idea it will be because Bush agreed to
pull out but if it’s a mistake then it’s
all Obama’s fault

Brooks: Iran is very scary

Gregory: Obama has actually succeeded
in foreign policy

Ford: all well and good but Obama needs
to create jobs

Welch: I agree with Harold Ford

Gregory: the GOP debates are so exciting!

Mitchell: you would you hire any of these guys?

Brooks: these debates are just to prepare
Mitt Romney to face Barack Obama

Gregory: Jack you love Herman Cain

Welch: he’s crazy and his plan is insane but
I love his folksy charm and also he would
cut my taxes which is what America needs

Ford: Obama needs to learn from Herman Cain!

Welch: I re-agree with Harold Ford

Gregory: Can Obama win on taxing the rich?

Brooks: no because of Watergate

Gregory: I see

Brooks: Attacking the rich may help you
with fundraising but it won’t make you popular

Mitchell: Obama vs Romney will be our first
all-robot election

Gregory: how could Obama create jobs?

Welch: drill for oil and end all regulations

Gregory: I see

Welch: the jobs bill makes it illegal to discriminate
against unemployed people - that’s insane!

Ford: Obama is terrible because he keeps
attacking business - it’s so so sad

Welch: I re-re-agree with Harold Ford

Gregory: I see

Ford: we need to incentivize rich people
to spend their money!

Mitchell: what about Occupy Wall Street?

Ford: Fuck those dirty fucking hippies -
they’re ruining it for all of us

Brooks: Just cut taxes!

Welch: Obama should have proposed
Simpson-Bowles - that was awesome

Mitchell: yes if he had done that we would
all live in Merry Gumdrop Land where
all consumers are happy and the GOP would
not have threatened default on the debt ceiling

Welch: We need to take on China!

Brooks: who knows better about taking
on China than General Electric?

Gregory: what about foreign policy

Mitchell: the GOP candidates need to
persuade us they can handle foreign crisis
and so far that ain’t happening

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - October 23, 2011

October 23, 2011
Hillary Clinton (Sec. of State)
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Martha Raddatz
Richard Stengel
Robert Kagan
Amanpour: wow first today Tunisia votes
for the first time and an autopsy has Qaddafi
has confirmed is still dead

Amanpour: Are you in Uz-Beki-beki-stan?

Clinton: LOL I love Herman Cain

Amanpour: What was your gut reaction
to seeing Qaddafi’s guts?

Clinton: I thought - wow Libya deserves
to have their oil managed by a
freedom-loving country like the U.S.

Amanpour: should Qaddafi have had a
fair trial before being shot?

Clinton: absolutely - war crimes should
never be tolerated because above
we must have the rule of law for all people

Amanpour: even for Dick Cheney

Clinton: I said for all people

Amanpour: what about the Pan Am bomber?

Clinton: I heard they canceled that tv show

Amanpour: no the terrorist

Clinton: oh yeah that was bad too

Amanpour: should we really pull all troops
out of Iraq?

Clinton: we should leave unless they ask
us to stay then we should never leave

Amanpour: what about Afghanistan and
Pakistan is the Taliban going to abuse
women after we leave?

Clinton: anyone we negotiate with must
renounce violence and respect the rights
of ethnic minorities and women

Amanpour: that rules out the Republicans

Clinton: ha

Amanpour: is there going to be a terrorist
attack in Nairobi?

Clinton: who knows all those Kenyans
are scary

Amanpour: thanks for coming Hillary

[ break ]

Amanpour: did the U.S. want to keep troops
in Iraq?

Raddatz: yes they want to train Iraqis

Amanpour: it’s been eight years -
what do they need to learn about?

Raddatz: pepper spraying protesters

Kagan: Iran is threatening us and
we’re retreating!

McCain: we should let Iraqis dictate
American defense policy

Amanpour: I see

Amanpour: Senator should we pull out of Iraq ?

McCain: I fear foreign nations may try
to influence what goes on in Iraq which is
just plain wrong

Amanpour: oh my

McCain: the people in this region loved
the surge and love American soldiers

Amanpour: they do?

McCain: Iraq might form an alliance with Iran
and we should not let than happen

Raddatz: How do you get Iraqis agree to
let U.S. troops stay?

McCain: clearly you use the incredible
boyish charm of Lindsay Graham

Raddatz: what about immunity?

McCain: America should have backed Alawi
in Iraq’s free and fair elections!

Stengel: Look Obama made a promise and
he’s going to keep oh an also Iraq doesn’t want
us to be there and the American people don’t
want to stay either

Amanpour: so I hear you saying we should stay

Stengel: that’s right

Biden: In Libya Qaddafi is gone and went spent
almost nothing and no Americans were killed!

Amanpour: wasn’t Libya a brilliant success?

Kagan: it was a terrible failure because the
Libya operation doesn’t prove how big our
American genitalia are

Stengel: speak for yourself Bob

Raddatz: Drones make war easier -
and fun too

Amanpour: Should the U.S. launch a
NATO attack on Syria?

McCain: Obama is a terrible President because
Qaddafi wasn’t killed fast enough

Amanpour: you seem incredibly petty

McCain: also no British and French were killed and
they led unlike that weak total loser guy who beat me

Ama: wow thanks for proving me wrong

Kagan: I think Syria could either go bad or good

Amanpour: thanks for your expertise everyone

Amanpour: Jon Karl - please reduce our democracy
to talking points

Romney: I’m running for office I can’t have illegals!

Obama: give me that 3:00 am phone call - I’ll cut you!

Biden: if there is no jobs bill rape will rise!

McCain: Obama has a bus made in Canada
which I can’t believe because he took the
idea from me!

Bachmann: My campaign staff is not quitting!

Bachmann campaign staff: we’re outta here!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Meet The Press with Herman Cain - October 16, 2011

Herman Cain
Tim Pawlenty
Bobby Jindal (R-La)
Chuck Todd
Katty Kay
Gregory: Holy crap - Herman Cain is
leading for the GOP nomination

Audience: cripes

Gregory: who the fuck is this guy?

Cain: I’m sitting right here

Gregory: Hi - Herman you would raise
taxes on poor people and the middle class
and cut them for the rich

Cain: no because we will get rid of all
invisible taxes!

Gregory: oh my

Cain: companies will pay lower taxes and
pass those savings on to consumers

Gregory: would the middle class pay
more in taxes?

Cain: yes but more people would pay
less in taxes

Gregory: who would pay more in taxes?

Cain: people who buy things

Gregory: what about the elderly?

Cain: oh they would do very well

Gregory: why is that

Cain: they would pay no taxes on
their vast investments and complex
portfolio holdings

Gregory: under your plan people would
pay incredibly high state and federal sales taxes

Cain: that’s only true if you combine
state and sales taxes

Gregory: well I do combine them!

Cain: well don’t do that!

Gregory: that makes no sense!

Cain: you’re muddying the waters!

Gregory: Grover Norquist says you’re
creating new taxes

Cain: Who cares!

Gregory: How do you get this insanity
enacted into law?

Cain: the people will demand it!

Gregory: I find that hard to believe

Cain: talk to voters - they want 9-9-9!!

Gregory: you think there will be national
movement demanding lower taxes for the rich
and higher taxes on the middle class

Cain: Yes!

Gregory: What do you think of Occupy Wall Street?

Cain: Barack Obama caused the recession in 2007!

Gregory: you said liberals want to destroy America

Cain: yes by causing the recession
four years ago

Gregory: you think they did that on purpose?

Cain: yes because liberals want America to be weak!

Gregory: that’s an incredible claim

Cain: Fluffy why else would they go to the
trouble of building a time machine to go and
back to 2001 and make Bush look like a disaster?!!?

Gregory: you say stupid people are ruining America

Cain: yes - people are too much quick to insult
and vilify the other side!

Gregory: you don’t like to be called African-American

Cain: right - I’m not from Africa like some
Presidents I could mention

Gregory: you say your experience is
different from Obama

Cain: yes I'm really black and he made pizza
and he was rich and coddled and he’s part white

Gregory: Are we at war with Iran?

Cain: How should I know?

Gregory: what would you do about Iran
if you were President?

Cain: I would definitely consult other people

Gregory: like who?

Cain: John Bolton and Henry Kissinger

Gregory: Why those two

Cain: I do believe in diversity so I want to
hear from war criminals in all administrations

Gregory: are you a NeoCon?

Cain: that depends on what is a NeoCon?

Gregory: Should we have invaded Iraq?

Cain: yes because we prevented Iran from
attacking our land in Iraq

Gregory: how do you define victory
in Afghanistan?

Cain: our invasion of Afghanistan will be
victory when they can defend themselves
from invasion other countries

Gregory: what is your foreign policy philosophy?

Cain: I’m like Reagan I would be very clear
about putting troops in Lebanon until
I leave in a hurry

Gregory: you would not rely on Wise Men?

Cain: I might!

Gregory: you wrote in your book
"I will not rely on Wise Men"

Cain: In my defense a Wise Man wrote that for me

Gregory: you wrote we need an electrified fence
that will kill people

Cain: that was joke - get a sense of humor!

Gregory: what is your plan for illegal immigration

Cain: Shooting people!

Gregory: How about gay marriage

Cain: I don’t like gay people but people
in Vermont can do whatever the hell they want

Gregory: and abortion?

Cain: no abortions for anyone!

Gregory: not even for rape or incest?

Cain: of course not

Gregory: who’s your favorite Justice?

Cain: Clarence Thomas - he’s quietly brilliant

Gregory: where’s your wife?

Cain: protecting our traditional marriage Fluffy

Gregory: are you the front runner?

Cain: yes because people love my substantive
ideas like higher taxes for the middle class,
cutting social security and putting John Bolton
in charge of our foreign relations

Gregory: do you have enough money?

Cain: if you contribute $9.99 now you get a
bumper sticker in 30 minutes or less

Gregory: thanks for coming Herman

[ break ]

Gregory: Is Herman Cain real?

Todd: if he’s raising a million dollars a
week that’s amazing

Gregory: can he win?

Todd: he’s got a great elevator pitch
but no organization

Kay: I just watched your interview and I
can’t tell what the hell he’s talking about

Gregory: What about Mitt Romney?

Todd: he only has one problem -
no one likes him

Kay: he’s just got to split the conservative base

Gregory: and Rick Perry?

Todd: this race is Rick Perry’s to lose
and he’s losing it

Gregory: what about that guy
Barack Obama?

Kay: he has to remind people that the
GOP crashed the economy

Todd: Obama has to find positive things
to say about Rick Perry

Gregory: damn Obama can’t get a break

Gregory: Is Mitt Romney an untrustworthy
flip flopper?

Jindal: Perry fought to cut taxes in Texas
which was very hard

Gregory: Tim you said Mitt Romney can’t be
the nominee and now you endorse him

Pawlenty: Obama failed to cut the deficit in half!

Gregory: what about Romneycare

Pawlenty: He’s changed his mind -
what more do you want?

Gregory: will he change it again?

Pawlenty: if you want him to - yes!

Gregory: if the GOP primary voters

Jindal: Rick Perry has made the tough decision
to send the national guard after a hurricane

Pawlenty: he can’t debate!

Gregory: Chris Christie thinks Rick Perry is
an inarticulate idiot

Jindal: CEO Magazine has endorsed him!

Jeffers: do we want a good moral person
or do we want Rick Perry?!?!

Pawlenty: Mitt Romney has never had a gay affair!

Jindal: we should not consider religious
in government - just consult the Bible on that

Gregory: thanks for coming

Gregory: save the date for a debate with all
Republican candidates, David Gregory and Facebook

Audience: truly an Algonquin Round table
of the 21st century

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press