Sunday, November 20, 2011

Meet The Press - November 20, 2011

Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ)
Sen. John Kerry (D-MA)
Eugene Robinson
Dee Myers
Ed Gillespie
Mike Murphy
Gregory: holy crap - Newt Gingrich is leading
in the GOP polls and the Super Committee
can’t reach a deal!

Audience: oh noes

Gregory: Senators you both are on the
Super Committee - can we make a deal?

Kyl: Republicans agreed to cut taxes on the
rich in exchange for less spending
on entitlements and the Democrats said no

Gregory: President Norquist is unhappy

Kyl: Republicans agreed to raise taxes
on the middle class - that’s a big step for them!

Gregory: the whole reason for the Committee
is to cut the debt and your first offer to
was extend the Bush tax cuts for rich people

Kyl: no the whole reason for the Committee
was to give the GOP cover for cutting
Social Security Medicaid and Medicare
and the Democrats said no and it’s so so so sad

Gregory: deficit hawks think that’s ridiculous

Kyl: the best way to cut the debt is to
cut taxes for rich people

Gregory: so can you possibly get a deal?

Kyl: we offered the spending cuts Democrats
were willing to concede in exchange for
nothing and they didn’t take it

Gregory: you offered to cut taxes for the
rich which seems weird for a debt-cut commission

Kyl: if poor people were rich people then
they would also get a tax cut

Gregory: ok

Kyl: only the GOP had an innovative idea
- cut taxes for the rich but call it a tax increase

Gregory: what about the automatic cuts in
defense spending - Leon Panetta says they
would invite an attack from our enemies

Kyl: Congress will have to put some effort
into ignoring these automatic cuts and
I believe we can do it

Gregory: so those cuts won’t happen

Kyl: both parties will come together and
pander to fear I am sure

Gregory: what’s the deal with Newt Gingrich?

Kyl: he is a loathsome person

Gregory: Newt Gingrich says Occupy Wall Street
are stealing public parks they didn’t pay for
and also they need a bath

Kyl: they just don’t understand that wealth is
produced by people who take a risk and get
bailed out when it fails

Gregory: are ever embarrassed when you look
at yourself in the mirror?

Kyl: when Democrats won’t cut taxes for
the rich while cutting spending it tells
you all you need to know

Gregory: how about that John

Kerry: Kyl is lying - we just cut $900 billion!

Gregory: ok

Kerry: notice he’s going to ignore the
automatic defense cuts anyway

Gregory: can you make a deal?

Kerry: yes but they are pledged their souls
to Grover Norquist

Gregory: is that so?

Kerry: we’re not a tax cutting committee!
We’re a deficit cutting committee!

Gregory: what about the Toomey plan?

Kerry: the CBO says it raises taxes on
the middle class and cuts them on the rich
- oh and it makes the deficit worse too

Gregory: I see

Kerry: it’s a massive tax cut for the
richest Americans! Criminy!

Gregory: the Wall Street Journal says you are
bad because you won’t cut entitlements

Kerry: we put every fatted golden calf and
sacred cow on the table

Gregory: the horror the horror

Kerry: the GOP insists on cutting taxes for
their rich benefactors

Gregory: I’m glad to hear it

Kerry: we offered $800 billion in cuts up front
and they said no to everything because
Grover Norquist is a fucking nut

Gregory: yikes

Kerry: there is one thing preventing cutting
the debt and that is the GOP insistence on
tax cuts for the rich

Gregory: isn’t this really all Obama’s fault?

Kerry: no you moron

Gregory: yes but Obama can’t make
Congress agree

Kerry: I was just in Arlington visiting the graves of
people who sacrificed their lives for America
and I thought - are billionaires willing to sacrifice
a tiny sliver of their immense wealth or is
that too much to ask?

Gregory: you are the most famous flip-flopper
in American history - is Mitt Romney even worse?

Kerry: Yes! Well maybe - I think so - that’s
for other to say but he could be

Gregory: thanks for coming Senator

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG Newt Gingrich is the new
comeback kid!

Murphy: he’s so awful it indicates how much
people hate Mitt Romney

Gillespie: don’t expect Bachmann and Paul to drop
out early just because they’re total wackos

Gregory: Newt Gingrich had affairs because
hippies won’t take a bath

Robinson: the Internet does not have
enough bandwidth to document all
the Newt scandals

Myers: Gingrich is a fascinating political sociopath

Gregory: even Jack Abramoff thinks
Gingrich is scum

Murphy: Perry could have been the anti-Mitt
but it turns out he’s a blithering idiot

Gregory: Romney is stable and Not-Romney
is up and down and all over the place

Robinson: why not Rick Perry?

Greg: ha - you love him!

Myers: he’s got money but he makes
George W. Bush look like a genius

Gillespie: Obama thinks Americans have
gotten lazy when the real problem is that
American taxes are too high!

Murphy: Perry was lying but Obama is
sooo depressing

Robinson: if you want to see God cry show
him the GOP candidates

Gregory: Herman Cain seems a bit confused

Murphy: he’s the perfect Perry running mate!

Myers: his 15 minutes are up

Murphy: I will miss Herman Cain -
he finally got us talking about federal
consumption tax which will never happen

Gregory: if the Super Committee fails that
will show us how bad both sides are

Gillespie: yes but it’s mostly Obama’s fault

Gregory: should Romney skip Iowa?

Murphy: he doesn’t have to win -
all he has to do it beat Rick Perry

Gregory: what about Occupy Wall Street?

Myers: our politics are skewed to benefit
the richest Americans and the best example
is the GOP debates

Gregory: Happy Thanksgiving everyone -
and that’s another episode of Meet The Press


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Kyl: no the whole reason for the Committee was to give the GOP cover for cutting Social Security Medicaid and Medicare and the Democrats said no and it’s so so so sad.

The whole reason for the Super Committee was to give Democrats cover to cut Social Security, etc. And yes, Obama is to blame for that, it is the fruit of his Simpson-Bowles committee and insistence on a grand bargain.

We need spending and jobs...not 'spending cuts'.

Death Panel Truck said...

You do realize this website is satire, don't you?