Sunday, February 24, 2013

Meet The Press - February 24, 2013

Sec. of Transportation Ray LaHood
Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-LA)
Gov. Deval Patrick (D-MA)
Harold Ford
Peggy Noonan
Maria Bartiromo
Jim Cramer

Gregory: OMG the sequester 
Blame Game has begun!

Audience: I'll take Rhyme Time for $1,000

Gregory: Ray will it still be safe to fly?

LaHood: yes but every other plane
will have a student-pilot in charge

Gregory: wow

LaHood: Congress could fix this 
problem by Friday!

Gregory: will the flying public suffer aggravation?

LaHood: flying willl be an even more 
soul-crushing experience than it was before

Gregory: will security be affected?

LaHood: no but beginning next week
all passengers will have to fly nude

Gregory: it's only a 2% cut in spending
- suck it up!

LaHood: it's a billion dollars and the law
doesn't allow us to shift funds around

Gregory: oh too bad

LaHood: Congress used to compromise
and now they're just insane

Gregory: Republicans say the cuts are no
big deal and the FAA has plenty of money

LaHood: they're idiots

Gregory: the American people want you
to tighten up and fly ship shape

LaHood: we're not making this crisis up Fluffy

Gregory: you said Obama is just
like Abraham Lincoln

LaHood: yes – he has assembled a team of weevils

Gregory: Obama is cheating by being popular

LaHood: go see the movie Fluffnuts

Gregory: I did – there were no
town cars in it at all – so misleading

LaHood: hey Congress – pull your
heads out of your assess!

Gregory: even if Obama is right
isn't this all his fault?

LaHood: he tried to fix it!

Gregory: what about meaningful debt reduction?!?

LaHood: oh do shut up Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Bayou Gilligan

Jindal: thanks David

Gregory: Bobby will the sequester
budget cuts hurt Louisana?

Jindal: these cuts are no big deal although
if they are terrible they're Obama's fault
even though they are very small cuts but
Obama needs to step up because no one
wants these terrible but very mild cuts

Gregory: what's the answer?

Jindal: repeal Obamacare

Patrick: Obama already cut $2.5 trillion
and anyway we need more spending
to create more jobs

Gregory: Obama says he won the
Presidential election so he should
get what he wants which is
a functioning government

Jindal: I love America but not
the American government

Gregory: fair enough

Jindal: Obama promised to slash spending
with very small but terrible cuts 
which are really not a big deal

Gregory: well put

Jindal: now is the time to reapeal these mild
but terrible cuts and replace them with drastic
but not-so-bad spending cuts

Patrick: I'm sorry but I don't speak gibberish

Gregory: what should Obama do?

Jindal: Obama must stop betraying
democracy by reaching out to the people

Patrick: criminy

Gregory: what else?

Jindal: cut taxes for rich people

Gregory: Peggy Noonan says Republicans
keep obstructing Obama which makes it all his fault

Patrick: no one turns a phrase like that loony

Gregory: I love her

Patrick: the Republicans' number one goal
was to make Obama a one-term President
and now their new goal is to make
themselves look foolish

Gregory: Bobby you are rejecting Obamacare?

Jindal: it would cost Lousiana
taxpayers $1 billion over 10 years

Patrick: that's all – in Massachusetts we
spend a billion dollars over 10 years
polishing the Kennedy teeth!

Jindal: I offered to meet with the President
and take over for him if he resigned
and surprisingly he said no

Patrick: in Massachusetts universal
health care is very popular

Gregory: what if patients brought
a gun to their doctor?

Jindal: that's a great idea – but first
let's keep a record of every person
with mental health problems

Gregory: what could go wrong?

Jindal: but yet again we see Obama
cheating by being popular

Patrick: that is so sad for you

Gregory: where would you rather live
Massachusetts or Louisana?

Jindal: we lead America in jobs
cleaning up disastrous oil spills

Patrick: I'm so jealous [ rolls eyes ]

Jindal: we're creating more jobs
that Chris Christie
Gregory: how nice for you

Jindal: in Louisiana we're cutting taxes 
so we're going to turn the corner any day now

Patrick: in Massachusetts we have more 
brainy graduate students and lead 
the nation in Ben Affleck film locales

Gregory: can you be elected President when
your ideas are so right-wing?

Jindal: we must shrink government 
and raise taxes on the poor and  
cut them for the rich –  if that's right-wing 
then I'm guilty!

Gregory: I like it

Jindal: also Obama caused the recession

Patrick: oh dear [ sighs ]

Gregory: if you are for small government
then why not allow gay marriage?

Jindal: we lost in 2012 because we
failed to persuade people Obama caused
the recession – but we must not give up!

Gregory: good luck with that

[ break ]

Gregory: Ron Fournier says Obama
is CEO of America Inc. therefore 
everything is his fault even if he is right

Noonan: Obama has failed to lead
Republicans to sanity again

Gregory: right

Noonan: Obama says Republicans only
care about the rich which is true but mean

Gregory: Obama did win the election

Bartiromo: I am in touch with the
American public and they all think
Obama failed to lead

Gregory: the stock market must be
freaking out over Obama's terrible sequester

Bartiromo: no actually the market is
at an all time high

Gregory: wow not so bad then

Bartiromo: anyway Obama's sequester
threatens national security

Inskeep: Obama is a big old drama queen
but also he is right

Gregory: Bob Woodward complains that
Obama is right but whines that Obama's
alternative to the sequester is different
from the sequester

Noonan: I bet Harold Ford disagrees
with my blaming Obama

Ford: surprisingly I agree with Peggy
that Obama is all wrong

Gregory: wow what a shock

Ford: also Maria Bartiromo is right –
also let's approve the Keystone pipeline,
drill for gas and repeal broadband regulations

Noonan: oh my [ swoons ]

Ford: also I agree with Peggy that
Obama is a very disappointing leader

Noonan: you're a nice young man 
and handsome too

Ford: I should have been the first black President!!!
[ sobs ]

Noonan: there there – have a drink Harold
[ drinks martini ]

Ford: cheers Peggers
[ drinks bourbon ]

Bartiromo: [ coughing fit ]

Cramer: the market which is full of
geniuses thinks the sequester won't happen
[ swallows pills ]

Gregory: we must have Medicare reform!!

Noonan: everyone in D.C. is so childish
but the four of us wise people

Inskeep: Republicans are very reasonable
as long as they can raise taxes without
calling it a tax hike

Ford: Obama won't lead on carried interest!

Cramer: we should have no more taxes ever
except for the carried interest loophole -
that is outrageous

Bartiromo: interest rates will skyrocket someday!!

Gregory: people like you have been warning
about this forever and have always been wrong

Bartiromo: as soon as the unwashed figure it out –
interest rates will go high – I promise!!

Gregory: Steve Case who merged  
Time Warner and AOL says 
Washington should do good stuff

Inskeep: it's true Boehner sounds like a
crazy person but in private I can assure 
he's nice but a little stupid

Gregory: Obama must cut Medicare!

Inskeep: Republicans are willing to do the
right thing as long as their base doesn't
find out about it

[ break ]

Gregory: I want to discuss dancing

Betsy: negative David!

Gregory: ok ok - can Chris Christie 
beat Hillary Clinton?

Ford: I like Bobby Jindal and not Palin

Gregory: you are so wise Harold

Noonan: a great politician emulate Reagan 
and just run offering big spending 
and tax cuts – people like that

Gregory: Peggy tell me your predictions on the Pope

Noonan: this is unknown territory –
I think Daniel Day Lewis has the inside track

Gregory: wow

Noonan: also we should try not have
a Pope involved in a worldwide
child rape conspiracy

Gregory: Oscar picks!

Bartiromo: don't forget Les Miz!

Inskeep: I like Abraham Lincoln so what the hell

Gregory: Americans learn their history from movies
like Lincoln, Argo, Zero Dark Thirty and The Help

Cramer: my ticket to Silver Linings Playbook
was covered by my mental health plan

Gregory: wow that's generous

Cramer: have you seen my show –
I need platinum coverage for the mentally disturbed

Gregory: good point Jim –
and that's another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - February 24, 2013

Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY)
Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI)
George Will
Terry Moran
Stephanopoulos: OMG the sequester cuts
the President and Congress agreed to will
wreck America's military and ruin the economy!

Rogers: we should have these terrible
cuts but allow for more flexibility

Engel: these across the board cuts are
incredibly stupid that we should let go
forward for a week or two

Will: Obama wants Americans to suffer
pain which these reasonable cuts will cause

Rogers: you can't treat some bureaucrat
in D.C. the same as a sailor attacking 
the Mediterranean

Amanpour: the military is sacred in the
U.S. and now our precious seamen may
not be allowed to go and fight
useless wars in other countries

Stephanopoulos: China is launching
cyber attacks on our oil wells!

Rogers: America is attacked in this war
every day if you count petty credit card theft

Stephanopoulos: that is terrifying

Rogers: in the history of the world it has
never happened that one country has stolen
the intellectual property of another country

Will: China is a bunch of gangters
but Obama does it too

Amanpour: true

Rogers: The CIA does not conduct
espionage for private businesses –
its against the law ergo the CIA would
never ever do that - never ever - pinky swear!

Engel: The Chinese pooh pooh cyber attacks

Amanpour: we should impose
sanctions on China which holds our debt

Rogers: we should forbid Chinese
leaders from visiting Disneyland

Amanpour: we're facing a cyber 9/11!

Will: Obama is using cyber attacks against Iran!

Rogers: you can't believe things in the
press that makes the President look tough

Amanpour: so Obama hasn't done that?

Rogers: those wily Orientals are thieves!

Stephanopoulos: is this a military problem?

Rogers: our admirable investment banks
are being hit by denial of service attacks!

Stephanopoulos: Terry what's happening in Syria?

Moran: Syria is totally collapsing and
Al Qeada is taking a lead role

Stephanopoulos: wow – what's the solution?

Moran: Obama has to arm the rebels or
broker a peace with Russia and a vicious dictator

Engel: it's time to arm the rebels

Stephanopoulos: I hear the death star
has a vulnerable spot

Engel: in 1979 Syria became a charter
member of Terror States of the World

Stephanopoulos: geez

Engel: Syria could disrupt Jordan

Stephanopoulos: so sad - it's his 50th birthday

Rogers: yes but Obama is still weak!

Stephanopoulos: so you've said

Rogers: we need to be really
aggressive by imposing a No Fly Zone

Amanpour: the rebels refuse to meet with
America because Americans won't meet with them

Stephanopoulos: that makes sense

Amanpour: if Syria become Somalia
that would be bad

Stephanopoulos: true but we
might get a good movie out of it

Amanpour: we need to enjoy a nice
short war in the middle east for a change

Will: Syria is like the Spanish Civil War
which ended so happily

Engel: if we kill Assad it will make
Iran very sad which is good

Muir: the U.S. sanctions have caused
inflation in Iran – movies cost almost $15!

Stephanopoulos: oh my god

Amanpour: shockingly the sanctions have
affected ordinary people more than
the elites and leaders

Stephanopoulos: how surprising

Amanpour: will Congress allow Obama
to negotiate with Iran or grandstand on the issue?

Stephanopoulos: lol good one

Rogers: these people are not French
or German – they are irrational Arabs!

Stephanopoulos: Persians

Rogers: whatever - imagine people
from the middle east with a nuclear bomb!

Stephanopoulos: like Israel?

Rogers: shhhh!

Engel: we should start of war with Iran
if they get the bomb

Will: Obama said he would do that

Engel: good - they scare me

Amanpour: are Iranians really irrational?

Rogers: yes – trying to get access to a
Wall Street bank for good financial
information is not rational!

Stephanopoulos: good point Buck


Sunday, February 17, 2013

Meet The Press - February 17, 2013

Denis McDonough – White House Chief of Staff
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-CA)
Chris Matthews
Carly Fiorina
Alex Castellanos
Cmdr. Mark Kelly

Gregory: isn't Chuck Hagel weakened by
Republican's McCarthyite tactics against him?

McDonough: no because he fought in
Vietnam and Ted Cruz is a whiny jerk

Gregory: does he hate Israel?

McDonough: Hagel? no

Gregory: let's about Benghazi again

McDonough: [ palmface ]

Gregory: what can you add to that that
hasn't already been said?

McDonough: we've have 10,000
pages of analysis on this incident

Gregory: the reality is the debt is a huge issue

McDonough: here we go

Gregory: Obama doesn't have the guts
to take on liberals – I hate him so much

McDonough: Obama restored the U.S.
economy and the stock market is roaring

Gregory: Obama didn't create jobs because
he is a Democrat therefore it didn't happen

McDonough: who is this clown?

Gregory: but Republicans are grown up
and liberals and always hippies –
everyone knows this

McDonough: you are ridiculous

Gregory: we must reduce the debt!

McDonough: Obama cut $2.5 trillion in debt

Gregory: how can you guys make an agreement
when Republicans won't raise taxes and
Obama wants more taxes

McDonough: let's not take a meat cleaver 
to the budget

Gregory: so what is Obama willing to do?

McDonough: make reasonable proposals and
watch the GOP freak out

Gregory: it is a fact Medicare is terrible
and I hate it and it must be slashed

McDonough: prove it Fluffy

Gregory: Republicans say so

McDonough: oh okay

Gregory: why won't Obama cut Medicare??

McDonough: he addressed health care
costs in Obamacare

Gregory: but Simpson-Bowles!

McDonough: our plan is better than
Simpson-Bowles since it comes with sprinkles

Gregory: you must raise the retirement age!

McDonough: easy talk from a millionaire
talk show host

Gregory: Obama is going ruin immigration
reform by taking the lead on the issue

McDonough: David talking to you is like
talking to a crazy person

Gregory: would Obama be willing to change
his mind and endorse all Republican ideas?

McDonough: you are hilarious Greggers

Gregory: aren't Republicans right 
on gun control too?

McDonough: mary jesus and joseph I avoided
Fox News just so I wouldn't have to
talk to people like you

Gregory: you're a devout Catholic –
who should be the next Pope?

McDonough: the Church should just keep
just keep doing what they're doing and they'll be fine

Gregory: what could go wrong?

McDonough: nothing I'm sure

Gregory: Do you still bike to work?

McDonough: no I have a jet pack with
the official White House logo

Gregory: thanks for coming Denis

McDonough: thanks for having me Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: panel is Chuck Hagel weakened?

Matthews: he didn't perform well but the
nuts in the Senate went overboard and he
may benefit from the backlash against
the McCarthyism

Castellanos: Hagel lacks character because
he turned on his own party – also Obama is a
coward for not turning on his own party

Gregory: Senator McCain you told Fox News
that the real reason you oppose Chuck Hagel
is because he was mean to George W. Bush
and turned on his own party

McCain: that never happened

Gregory: it's on videotape

McCain: ok then it's true

Gregory: that's sounds kind of bad

McCain: Hagel loves Iran and didn't 
support the Surge

Gregory: gosh

Gregory: when you were running for President
you proposed Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense

McCain: he hates Israel!

Gregory: oh my

McCain: the Crucifixion of John Tower
was the worst thing I've ever seen since the
Flagellation of Robert Bork and the
Taunting of Clarence Thomas

Gregory: what's the deal with your obsession
with Benghazi?

McCain: we need a timeline of Obama actions
the night of the attack and why did Obama
say he called it a terrorist attack

Gregory: because he did

McCain: but there are so many semantic
questions about Benghazi!

Gregory: this has been about wordplay?

McCain: There has been a massive cover-up!

Gregory: A cover up of what?!?

McCain: do you care that four Americans died!

Gregory: what is Obama supposedly covering up?

McCain: is Obama a member of al-qaeda?!?
who can say?!

Gregory: would you be willing to raise
taxes to avoid sequester?

McCain: Obama should lead!
Except on immigration!

Gregory: speaking of immigration –
if Obama proposes legislation will it fail?

McCain: of course it will

Gregory: why?

McCain: because Obama has cooties!

Gregory: so if his name is on it – it must fail?

McCain: yes – does Obama want a law
with no credit or a law with his name
on it which must fail?

Newsom: John McCain obviously has a
personal grudge against Chuck Hagel –
it's pathetic

Fiorina: Obama created the sequester!

Gregory: we're talking about Chuck Hagel

Fiorina: Democrats don't all support gun control

Gregory: what are you talking about Carly?

Fiorina: if Obama tries to win points by
cheating by being popular he will ruin
a good immigration bill

Matthews: the GOP is Daddy and Democrats
are Mommy and they just need to be
good parents and stop fighting

Gregory: you are so wise

Matthews: also we must put up a 100-foot
fence around America

Gregory: you really hate illegal immigrants coming in

Matthews: no we must keep them from leaving!

Castellanos: Obama is a terrible person by
proposing popular bills instead of giving
Republicans what they want

Gregory: Carly Obama said cutting
the debt alone won't grow the economy

Fiorina: it's a fact that the debt crowds
out other spending

Matthews: that ridiculous - interest rates are low!

Fiorina: yes but Obama created the
recession in 2008

Newsom: I am a very handsome man

Gregory: that is true

Newsom: the sequester is an artificial crisis
created by Republicans!

Fiorina: that may be true

Newsom: if want to move the mouse you
have to move the cheese

Matthews: or buy a cat and kill that mouse

Newsom: good one Tweety

Matthews: I am going to call you Smoothie

Castellanos: Republicans were shocked, shocked
that Obama declared war on their insane
view of the world

Gregory: Tom Friedman thinks Obama
would like to do things

Newsom: well he's not gonna do it
with these nuts in Congress – he went around
them and he won and the American
people like him and his ideas

Gregory: is Ted Cruz engaging in McCarthyism?

Matthews: absolutely – it's all smears and innuendo

Fiorina: I am stunned that Obama has failed
to achieve anything and blames Republicans

Gregory: wise words from the person fired
from Hewlett-Packard and who was rejected
by the people of California

[ break ]

Gregory: Obama called for a vote on gun violence

Kelly: people across America are wondering
how many more have to be killed

Gregory: but people love guns –
what can get passed ?

Kelly: one million criminals have failed a
background check but can still buy a
gun at a gun show

Gregory: but then they would have
to cross the street

Kelly: why did the chicken cross the road?

Gregory: I don't know – why?

Kelly: to take advantage of the gun show loophole

Gregory: people hate the government and
may want to murder someone someday

Kelly: why should only law-abiding people
have to go through a background check?

Gregory: does Gabby Giffords want to
be the face of gun control?

Kelly: someone has to do it

Gregory: you are an astronaut -
are we under attack by meteors?

Kelly: yes we are – the earth is being hit
by flying rocks all the time

Gregory: damn aliens!

Kelly: the universe is a crowded place

Gregory: tell me about it – that's why I bought
a house on Martha's Vineyard

Kelly: [ facepalm ]

Gregory: and that's another episode
of Meet The Press


This Week with George Stephanopoulos - February 17, 2013

Host: Jonathan Karl
Denis McDonough – White House Chief of Staff
Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI)
Karl: President Rubio doesn't like Senator
Obama's immigration plan

McDonough: I am so sad

Karl: let's be honest – President Rubio
is not going to give Senator Obama
permission to propose this bill

McDonough: as long as we're being
honest - you're a moron

Karl: but has Senator Obama even
consulted with President Rubio??

McDonough: he consults with a lot of people

Karl: but not Emperor Rubio

McDonough: tragic

Karl: is Obama willing to grovel and
apologize to His Majesty Rubio?

McDonough: no

Karl: well fuck you

McDonough: okay

Karl: if sequester goes through will people
have to wait at airports?

McDonough: it's worse than that –
it might create another recession
and 13,000 teachers would be hit and
also there will salmonella in your food

Karl: but aren't Republicans right about
everything because they are the grown-up party

McDonough: you are so ridiculous

Karl: but they are the daddy party who
spend money on good things like wars
and not marijuana and Pink Floyd albums

McDonough: why did I take this job –
damn you Obama!

Karl: the Senate won't approve
your wacky liberal anti-America former
Republican senator as Secretary of Defense

McDonough: this is a festival of stupid

Karl: John Boehner says Obama doesn't
have the guts to eliminate Medicare

McDonough: He proposed cuts
in his State of the Union speech!

Karl: thanks for coming Phil

McDonough: Denis

Karl: whatever

[ break ]

Karl: welcome Rep. Ryan - will you
please bash Obama for me

Ryan: reluctantly I must do so –
Obama proposed a popular immigration plan
just to make Republicans look bad

Karl: you are willing support a
good immigration plan as long as
Obama isn't behind it

Ryan: exactly – as with with other sensible
laws we've always been willing to support
them as long Obama does not

Karl: is Congress even trying to avoid
these disastrous sequester cuts?

Ryan: they were Obama's idea!

Karl: oh really

Ryan: Obama refused to cut spending!

Karl: um that isn't true

Ryan: Republicans have been fighting
for madatory spending cuts but Obama
won't cut spending

Karl: so the sequester spending cuts
were your idea after all?

Ryan: Obama made us do it!

Karl: I'm confused

Ryan: Obama won't cut spending
so we had to

Karl: Senate Democrats proposed an
alternative to the horrible spending cuts
will you support that?

Ryan: no because the debt crisis means
we have to cut taxes for rich people
and cut benefits for poor people

Karl: so your bottom line is lower
taxes for rich people

Ryan: that's right

Karl: are you really going to propsose
a budget which balances within 10 years

Ryan: yes because tax cuts for
the rich are magic

Karl: that's helpful

Ryan: Debt crisis! Robbing from
future generations! Greece!

Karl: Karl Rove is taking on the Tea Party

Ryan: never heard of him

Karl: do you encourage speculation that
you are running for President so
you can get on television

Ryan: you know me and how pure I am
and my lifetime goal is to pretend we have
a debt crisis and say the only solution
is to cut taxes for rich people

Karl: righty-o

Ryan: politicians in DC spend too
much time on television instead of
of doing their jobs – it's outrageous


State of the Union Address - February 12, 2013

Ladies and Gentlemen – 
the President of the United States!

Good evening you dysfunctional idiots!

[ applause ]

We've reduced the debt by more than 
two trillion dollars mostly slashing spending

[yaaaaay ]

Now let me talk about the 
goddamm stupid harsh automatic 
spending cuts

They would devastate the military 
and cut medical research

[ boooooo ]

They're a really bad motherfucking idea!

oh sure we could spare the military 
but cutting gramda's health care - 
well that's even fucking worse!

[ ooooh ]

True healthcare is expensive

[ golf clap ]

call me a crazy sucker but we can't 
put all the burdens on old people 
just so some rich white jerk can drive 
a new Bentley or Tesla – hell those 
crap cars don't even work in the damn winter

[ elon musk pens angry letter ]

By the way my health care 
plan cut costs!

But I'm willing to raise costs for
drug companies and ask rich 
old people to pay more

[ clap clap ]

also lets get rid of tax loopholes – 
you know the ones Republicans 
keep saying they're against

[ confused clapping ]

if the debt is such a big fucking deal 
– let's raise some motherfucking taxes!

Come on white people – 
show me what ya got!!

[ awkward shifting in seats ]

why are billionaires paying less 
taxes than their secretaries goddammit?!?

[ big applause ]

we're the greatest goddamn country 
on this earth so stop creating 
all these fake crises!

Y'all got a black President! 
Get used to it already!

[ clap clap clap ]

Oh and by the way – the debt doesn't 
fucking matter you stupid morons!

So why do ya'll get off your asses and
pass my one-year old jobs bill!

[ booo ]

ok here's another plan which also 
doesn't create debt and so will 
probably also be useless and ignored!

[ yaaay booo ]

Apple is making Macs in America again –
now that everyone is buying 
samsung adroid phones!

3-D printing and R2-D2 can be 
made in America!

[ wheeee ]

We've have mapped the human 
genone and will soon clone Joe Biden!

[ eeeeek ]

We're understanding the human brain 
and may soon understand how 
Glenn Beck's mind works!

[ woooot ]

Hey stupid Republicans – you can 
keep pretending there is no climate 
change but soon the Jersey Shore
will be in Pennsylvania!

Casey: sweet

Oh did I mention all of our bridges 
are about to fall down?

We're building self-healing power grids –
they're like motherfucking Commander Data!

[ robotic clapping ]

We're creating modern schools – 
worthy of our children– hell our kids 
won't be worthy of these schools
we'll have to imports some Swedes!

Let's help homeowners – what's 
stopping you Congress!?

Let's give our families the tools
they need to thrive in pre-school – 
Bushmaster rifles!

Kids are more likely to hold down a job if
they learn to read by the 10th grade! 
Aim high, people!

Germans learn English by the time they 
graduate – we can do it too!!

Today's employers want engineers
scientists and lawyers – well not that last one

[ ooooh ]

Colleges stop sitting on those 
multi-billion endowments – just 
what are you saving it for?!?

Tomorrow I will score each school on
bang-for-the-buck and Most Rocking Party!

[ paaaaartyy!!! ]

I love immigrants – but they have to 
get to the back of the line!

But we need low-skilled immigrants 
for the jobs American's won't do 
and high-skilled ones for the jobs 
Americans can't do

[ yaaaaay ]

and get off your damn asses and pass
the Violence Against Women act!
I mean it!

The minimum wage is $14,000!
No, not a month Congress! A year!

[ whaaaat ]

Working people have to go the food bank!
And no idiots that's not an actual bank!

Let's kill two birds with one stone!
Hire people unemployed because of 
the recession to fix cities ruined 
by the recession!

What makes you man is not the ability to
conceive a child but to the ability to conduct
a raid and kill Osama bin Laden!
Damn I love those stone cold SEALS!

This time next year the war in Afghanistan will be over!


We've crushed al-aqaeda!

[ booo ]

We need to keep fighting but we don't need
thousands of soldiers – we need drones!

Now I know some nitpickers wonder if
I should be killing Americans abroad –
so in the months ahead I will be sending
relevant TPS reports on my kill list!

But first, attack Iran!

[ yaaaaay ]

Damn I am pissed at our enemies who seek
our access to our power grids, 
e-mails, and twitter accounts!

[ furious twittering ]

Tonight I am announcing trans-atlantic 
trade with Europe – we will send them 
jazz and football and get cognac and haggis

I saw The Power of Hope in Rangoon – 
it's a great new movie by Ben Affleck

Oh and Israel – blah blah blah

America will keep the best military 
ever including Ancient Fucking Rome!

Women have proven they are ready 
for combat – lookin at you Rihanna!

Michelle and Joe's wife love 
soldiers and veterans – 
aren't they awesome!

[ clap clap clap ]

By they way, I hear the right to vote 
is pretty fucking important!
What white person ever waited 
 5 fucking hours to vote?!?

[ oooooh ]

But first you gotta grown up to vote –
how about getting weapons of war 
off the goddamn streets?!?!

Weapons of war motherfucker - 
do you need 'em?!?

[ eeeeeep ]

Jesus fuck one girl performed at my
inauguration and now she's dead –
what is this fucking Normandy on D-Day???

The families of Newtown deserve a vote!
The people of Aurora deserve a vote! 
Gabby Giffords deserves a vote! 
Vote no if you're that stupid –
but they deserve a vote!

[ yaaaaay ]

And don't hand me that shit about nothing
being a perfect solution – I've had it up
to here with that crap!

Look here this woman waited to vote and
she's 102 and years old – her first vote
was for Grover Cleveland against John McCain!

This police officer was shot 5 times defending
a Sikh Temple – that's right he saw those
turbans but didn't freak the fuck out

You know why – because we're all 
citizens dipshits!

God bless America!

Good night white fuckers!


Republican Response:

Hi I'm Marcio Rubio

I love our troops, democracy, 
America, and fetuses

Like Mitt Romney I didn't inherit 
anything from my parents

America is great because people can
take a risk and if they fail and
rich enough get a bailout

Did you Obama created the debt and
government caused the recession 
– no its true!

Those pesky laws cause all kinds of problems

And Obamacare is causing 
unemployment – also Obama is really mean

Obama says we only care about rich –
but my neighbors aren't millionaires – 
although I hate theml

Obama caused the recession –
also the economy shrank – so we must
cut taxes and also cut more taxes!

Who doesn't love lower taxes?!?

God gave us lots of coal – it would
be a sin not to burn it!

Also it would be good for poor people 
to cut taxesfor rich people – 
are you following me yet?

Education isn't about money – it's about profit!

I paid off $100,000 in student loans by
working as a male escort – 
that's honest money!

Obama loves to blame to debt 
on President Bush but Obama 
caused the recession!

I love Medicare – I would never support
changing Medicare for my parents – 
just for you!

Our stength doesn't come from government – 
it comes from 5 HOUR ENERGY!

[ drinks ]

stay thirsty my friends - stay thirsty!