Sunday, December 20, 2009

Meet The Press - December 20, 2009

David Axelrod
Howard Dean
Joe Scarborough
Markos Moulistas
Ed Gillespie
Tavis Smiley
Gregory: Axel did you win or sell out all your principles for a terrible health bill?

Axelrod: both

Gregory: explain

Axelrod: we’re going to help a few people without insurance and reduce the deficit by a trillion dollars

Gregory: please say “mission accomplished”
so I can make fun of you for it

Axelrod: look I know liberals are mad but Paul Krugman supports it and it will end all preexisting conditions

Gregory: will any part of the House bill survive?

Axelrod: maybe the first “whereas”

Gregory: why the fuck do we need 60 votes to
pass laws in the Senate?

Axelrod: it’s time-honored abject stupidity

Gregory: we asked some Poles and they don’t understand this bill at all

Axelrod: when you tell people what we pretend
is in the bill then people love it

Gregory: it’s so sad that Republicans once supported Medicare but now Obama can’t
get any get GOP votes - doesn’t that prove that Obama is a total failure?

Axelrod: I heard you were a moron Fluffy -
but you’re an obtuse hack too

Gregory: [ fluffs hair ] um what

Axelrod: hey idiot - the GOP has become an obstructionist party of total assholes

Gregory: yeah but they’re rich and so funny

Axelrod: can I talk to Luke Russsert - at least
he’s adorably stupid

Gregory: Howard Dean says this bill sucks

Axelrod: well we says it does good and I’d like
to see him get a better bill enacted

Gregory: Obama promised that Ben Nelson
and Joe Lieberman would support a public option

Axelrod: that’s ridiculous - this a good bill and
that’s the important thing

Gregory: but you betrayed liberals

Axelrod: no we didn’t - we worked in the legislative process available to us

Gregory: but this is a compromise!

Axelrod: oh noes!

Gregory: Obama didn’t fight for a public option!

Axelrod: yes he did - but this is how the system works

Gregory: will the bill bring overall health costs
down or not?

Axelrod: it will reduce the deficits and reduce premiums

Gregory: but a CAT scan is still expensive!

Axelrod: I’d like to scan your brain someday

Gregory: don’t bother you won’t find anything

Axelrod: ok

Gregory: have you killed the Democrats’ chances
in 2010?

Axelrod: The President doesn’t worry about polls - he’s trying to help the nation long-term

Gregory: but if the Democrats lose seats in 2010
that will prove Americans don’t need health care

Axelrod: even though President always lose seats
in the first Congressional election

Gregory: right

[ break ]

Gregory: What's up Doc

Dean: it's snowing and you're a dancing fool

Gregory: Howard is the health care bill horrible
or great?

Dean: it’s been improved since I hated on it but
it still isn’t perfect

Gregory: so should it be supported or not?

Dean: the problem is the whole thing revolves around for-profit insurance companies

Gregory: I am going to challenge you by citing criticisms of Obama

Dean: there was an unseemly scramble for votes

Gregory: don’t you need votes for pass laws?

Dean: naww

Gregory: you are not in office - so you will your
fake vote not go to this bill?

Dean: No!

Gregory: do you expect the White House to put
in a public option or not

Dean: no - Obama is not a fighter like me

Gregory: so without a public option you would
vote ‘no’?

Dean: a 30 year fight with insurance companies
is a bad thing

Gregory: and killing the bill would prevent that

Dean: right

Gregory: Vicki Kennedy says we can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good

Dean: yeah but I am in favor of getting the bill right

Gregory: I see

Gregory: John McCain says you are right
and we should let the Republicans write this bill

Dean: I hate Republicans and they are fucking evil

Gregory: so I hear you saying you are leaving
the Democratic party

Dean: Calm down Fluffy - you stupid fuck

Gregory: Is this internal fight going to ruin the Democratic party?

Dean: I know that’s your dream but if I were that room I’d answer you by punching you in the face

Gregory: ha ha

Dean: I’m not kidding

Gregory: so what went wrong

Dean: it’s a damn shame that a few asshole Senators can hold up legislation

Gregory: take your snow and leave Doc

Dean: fuck you

[ break ]

Gregory: Markos I love you on “Two and Half Men”

Moulitsas: I’m not on that show

Gregory: what? who are you then?

Moulitsas: I have a blog called the Daily Kos

Gregory: alright Kos is this health care bill a horrible compromise?

Moulitsas: no it only reinforces the existing system and if deductibles are too high poor people are screwed

Scarborough: ha ha insurance stocks are higher
ha ha

Gregory: Tavis Obama didn’t fight for the public option and this isn’t reform!

Smiley: sadly I am your third guest to agree that Obama didn’t fulfill his promises and he didn’t
crush the insurance lobby

Gillespie: sadly I must agree that this bill is an unmitigated disaster because this will help people get free medical care which will only encourage
poor lazy people to get sick

Scarborough: ha ha this bill will elect Republicans ha ha

Gregory: Obama says this bill takes on the insurance companies

Moulitsas: well sure but we need to crush the insurers - they are evil

Gregory: Kos isn’t passing federal legislation a little more difficult that idealistic liberals think?

Moulitsas: true but insurers spend millions on lobbying and the GOP can’t be reasoned with

Gregory: ok then

Smiley: You need to stand on principle! Screw gradualism or incrementalism! Ain’t gonna
get it done!

Gregory: Ed how do answer the charge that Obama is unpopular?!!?

Gillespie: he’s a socialist!

Gregory: but people hate the GOP too

Gillespie: no I took a poll that said people age 90
and over support the GOP

Gregory: Joe Scar how do answer the charge that people hate liberals?

Scarborough: it’s all these distractions like health care and wars and winning the Nobel prize -
we need jobs! Obama needs to be in Cleveland
not Oslo!

Moulitsas: Obama’s polls are down because he’s
not liberal enough!

Gillespie: no Obama’s radically partisan and not Republican enough!

Moulitsas: this nation hates Republicans

Gillespie: we’ll see about that Daily

Moulitsas: my name is Markos

Smiley: You have to stand on principle! Keep your eye on the ball! Jobs jobs jobs!

Gregory: Joe Obama is a total failure - Scar how does he turn it around

Scarborough: he needs to reach out to Republicans and crush the teachers unions and tell Henry Waxman to fuck off

Gregory: that makes perfect sense if you are ingesting large amounts of mind altering drugs

Scarborough: ha [ sniffs glue ]

Scarborough: ha ha when has he reached out to Republicans like the U.S. Constitution requires??

Moulitsas: the base is disenchanted - but the way
to get bloggers really excited bloggers is regulatory reform

Gregory: you’re a nerd

Moulitsas: blog power!


This Week With George Stephanopoulos - December 20, 2009

David Axelrod - White House Senior Advisor
Sen. John Kyl - (R-Arizona)
Stephanopoulos: speaking of your health care victory 6 hours ago - Republicans says it is already a failure because they don’t like it

Axelrod: that is shocking

Stephanopoulos: isn’t it terrible to pass a bill
without a single vote from members of a party everyone hates?

Axelrod: no it’s a good bill and we will pass it without the votes of the party which thinks Obama was born a muslim-Kenya witch doctor in Indonesia

Stephanopoulos: but this is a faith based bill

Axelrod: no 60 senators support the bill representing most of the country - plus this law
will help people with preexisting conditions and many others without health insurance

Stephanopoulos: Nelson and Holy Joe will fillybuster the bill if does any good for anyone beside rich evil insurers

Axelrod: that’s true but Nelson can be bribed
and Holy Joe can be reasoned with

Stephanopoulos: really?

Axelrod: no actually he’s a slimy fucker

Stephanopoulos: you are going to raise
taxes on Cadillacs!

Axelrod: also Yugos

Stephanopoulos: will this bill ban abortion
or make it mandatory?

Axelrod: the compromise is that women who want an abortion will have to drive really far to get one and we thinks that’s fair

Stephanopoulos: what about Stupak?

Axelrod: fuck him

Stephanopoulos: you called Howard Dean insane

Axelrod: well I’m not a psychiatrist but he is
pretty weird

Stephanopoulos: but liberals gave up everything and Nelson got whatever he wanted

Axelrod: it’s true but we needed the 60 votes

Stephanopoulos: liberals don’t want to hear
excuses about math - they want results

Axelrod: yes I noticed that

Axelrod: look I hear what Howard Dean is saying but this bill helps millions of people so it would be bad to kill it

Stephanopoulos: is Iran about to nuke Kansas?

Axelrod: maybe

Stephanopoulos: what are you going to do about it?

Axelrod: we are going work in Iran to sow divisions within both liberals and conservatives so nothing can ever get done

Stephanopoulos: can you really do that?

Axelrod: we did it in the U.S. so we can do it there

Stephanopoulos: Kyl is this bill evil?

Kyl: the American people are very much against
this bill unveiled 24 hours ago so we must not allow it to pass

Stephanopoulos: I see

Kyl: also the fuckers in Nebraska get this for free - no fair

Stephanopoulos: why do you hate Nebraska?

Kyl: Hey George - why do six different states border Nebraska?

Stephanopoulos: I don’t know

Kyl: Nebraska sucks

Stephanopoulos: ha good one

Stephanopoulos: Dick what about all the charge
that no one has seen this bill?

Durbin: jesus fuck they read the entire bill on
the floor yesterday

Kyl: yeah but that was during “Jersey Shore” marathon so no one in the Republican caucus was watching

Stephanopoulos: Kyl the CBO says it will lower the debt and will cover 30 million people - who wouldn’t support that??

Kyl: yeah but that still leaves 20 million uninsured

Stephanopoulos: oh I forgot you were insane

Kyl: also insurance premiums will still go up
and also people will still get sick

Durbin: jesus what sick lying fucker you are

Stephanopoulos: Dick will you commit to voting Republican if you have not eliminated illness
by 2015?

Durbin: this covers 94% of Americans!

Kyl: the liberals broke a truce that the GOP would pretend to be against abortion except for their own daughters and liberals would pretend to protect poor women without doing anything for them

Durbin: hey we still give free money to the Catholic church so they should shut the fuck up

Stephanopoulos: what about the looming threat
of global warming?

Durbin: the wily Chinese are taking all our green jobs - the jolly green giant is being replaced by Godzilla!

Kyl: I’m against sending China money

Stephanopoulos: you really are a weirdo


Sunday, December 13, 2009

60 Minutes - Interview with Barack Obama - December 13, 2009

60 Minutes
President Barack Obama
December 13, 2009
Kroft: Was it the most difficult decision you’ve made to invade a nation in asia

Obama: yes it’s sad

Kroft: but in your speech you didn’t weep and cheerlead and promise victory

Obama: actually that was me being emotional

Kroft: wow cause you seemed like a detached vulcan

Obama: we’ve had a little too much cheerleading and touchdown dancing by certain Presidents lately

Kroft: you staked your presidency on taking over a mountainous nation of religious wackos

Obama: that and bailing out the big banks and also I’m black

Kroft: some say you confused people

Obama: no not all

Kroft: but you surge troops only to pull troops out?

Obama: it makes perfect sense because we will stay until we leave

Kroft: but I’m easily confused - when are we leaving again? - cause I we have leave now that we have a black democratic president

Obama: we’re leaving when the Afghan government asks us to leave

Kroft: President McCain says we need to kill more people

Obama: fine I told the President we will kill all al-qaeda

Kroft: I heard most al-qaeda left and went to Pakistan and New Jersey

Obama: no some are in Bali

Kroft: damm they are in some nice places

Obama: so true

Kroft: the British in 1776 and American in ‘Nam lost wars because Empires are tiring and sucky and after all you are a negro

Obama: fuck that - this time we will win

Kroft: but Afghanistan is a government of corrupt organized criminals

Obama: [ laughs ]
Dude I have to ally myself up with these pseudo-elected crooks to get anything done

Kroft: let’s talk about Congress

Obama: I already am

Kroft: what about the bailouts of big Wall Street?

Obama: I didn’t run for office to bail out big banks - I ran to make love to a black women in the Lincoln Bedroom

Kroft: Jefferson beat you to it

Obama: these fucking Wall Street banks don’t fucking get it

Kroft: I thought you were going to reform system but then let Congress pass a horrible 2,000 page bill that is-

Obama: what?

Kroft: some say it is evil and incomprehensible

Obama: jesus chirst you are such a dick

Kroft: are you going to be involved in the legislative process

Obama: I have been the whole time asshole

Kroft: gate crashers!

Obama: oh thank god a substantive question

Kroft: were you angry at your black social secretary?

Obama: let me put it this way - I looked at her like I’m looking at you now

Kroft: Ooooh

Meet the Press - December 13, 2009

Jennifer Granholm - Gov. of Michigan
Christina Romer - Chair, White House Council
of Economic Advisors
Mitt Romney
Alan Greenspan
Jim Cramer
Gregory: Obama says Wall Street screwed
over the nation

Romer: yeah pretty much

Gregory: so is the U.S. fucked?

Romer: we were but things are turning around

Gregory: would financial reforms have prevented
the major meltdown?

Romer: that’s the point behind the new laws

Gregory: but answer my hypothetical question!

Romer: are you some kind of idiot?

Gregory: Obama says Wall Street doesn’t get it

Romer: they don’t - unless by ‘it’ you mean free government money in which case they do

Gregory: but Wall Street creates jobs on Main street - why punish them?

Romer: because they’re total fucktards

Gregory: But doesn’t Obama want Goldman Sachs to make money so it can trickle down to the
little people?

Romer: calm down Fluffy

Gregory: how long is this recession going to last?

Romer: we’ll go up and down for a while

Gregory: is the recession over?

Romer: no it will be over when Obama is reelected and we have secure jobs

Gregory: why didn’t Obama declare War on Unemployment

Romer: Greggers we immediately passed the
biggest stimulus in the history of the nation

Gregory: but the stimulus failed

Romer: I don’t have crystal balls

Gregory: I think Mitt Romney has those

Gregory: you said we should have a
$1.2 trillion stimulus

Romer: yeah well I was proven fucking right

Gregory: but shouldn’t have it been bigger?

Romer: it was the best we could get from the assholes in Congress

Gregory: the L.A. Times says we have to cut the deficit first

Romer: ah morons abound

Gregory: so Obama doesn’t care about stealing
from our children?

Romer: recovery is the only way to cut the deficit

Gregory: so you will raise taxes, increase the debt and kill America

Romer: 1 in 10 of Americans are unemployed dancing dave!

Gregory: so how do you pay for it??

Romer: you borrow money in a recession you fool

Gregory: so how will we know when it’s over

Romer: when unemployment is at 5%

Gregory: Ok

Romer: hey you’ve held this job for a year
which amazes me


Gregory: Alan no offense but I get mixed messages from the White House

Greenspan: the bad news is we’re at the bottom but the good news is I’m a bottom

Gregory: Jenny 8,675,309

Granholm: what?

Gregory: that’s the number of jobs Michigan has lost

Granholm: it would have been much worse without Obama’s efforts

Romney: the economy is growing but the stimulus failed and killed jobs

Gregory: some would say that Romney is partisan yet some would say the sun shines out of his ass

Cramer: right

Gregory: some would say Obama is a failure but on the other hand the Republicans had a lot of great ideas like a payroll tax holiday

Cramer: where’s the money!?

Gregory: some would say Reagan was a great President - how do answer this charge Ayn Greenspan?

Greenspan: we did that by wearing onions on
our belts which was the style at the time

Gregory: what jobs will we create - I mean we suck
at everything

Granholm: we’ll make solar panels - we’ll aim them
at Mitt Romny’s ass

Romney: Let’s take the stimulus bill and use that money to allow business to deduct taxes and let’s take wasted TARP money and use the money being returned from banks to give that to banks

Cramer: business are hiring in Brazil and Russia because businesses have successfully captured the governments there

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
a lot of people say the U.S. has no commitment to capitalism and businesses are terrified of government!

Greenspan: banks have lots of money - they just won’t lend it because most small businesses would
lose it

Gregory: the President attacks Wall Street which
is the Happiest Place on Earth - why is he doing that???
[ starts sobbing ]

Granholm: our auto companies would love start making good cars but they need loans to stop manufacturing junk

Gregory: maybe American products just suck

Romney: the problem is people are terrified of financial rules and possible good health care
and so of course make crap

Gregory: Krugman says unemployment is bad

Greenspan: sorry the Fed has done all it could possibly do - TARP was very necessary but inflation is scary so people should just eat apple cores

Gregory: what about Fed independence?

Greenspan: Oh I think it’s terrible that Congress would threaten it

Gregory: like when you shilled for the Bush
tax cuts?

Greenspan: I like pudding!

Gregory: Mitt how do you answer
the charge that Obama is soft on evil?

Romney: [ rebooting ]

Cramer: hey we have to raise taxes to pay
for our wars

Romney: we can pay for wars and lower taxes
- all we have to do cut pay for government workers who make much more money than people in the private sector

Gregory: where will unemployment be next year?

Greenspan: much lower, luckily because of
census employment

Gregory: that’s government

Greenspan: naptime!

Gregory: should we raise interest rates?

Greenspan: we should change rates to 5 bees
for a dollar

Granholm: we can’t be all doom and gloom
- I mean at least we all have jobs

Greenspan: not me

Granholm: be quiet or I’ll put you in place we saw on “America’s Worst Nursing Homes”

Greenspan: I’ll be good

Gregory: ok that’s the final word

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - December 13, 2009

Larry Summers
Rep. Eric Cantor
John Podesta
Ed Gillespie
Arianna Huffington
April Ryan
Stephanopoulos: Larry the economy is total disaster and John McCain’s economist says you’re a loser

Summers: look we prevented a Depression and
you know these things happen in stages, first you have a New Deal then another Depression and then a World War

Stephanopoulos: Is Obama working hard on
making all that happen?

Summers: yes he is

Stephanopoulos: so when does the U.S. economy go from being Fucked Up to merely Pretty Shitty?

Summers: we see Quite Crappy spring followed
by a Sucky Summer

Stephanopoulos: are we going to have a second stimulus?

Summers: don’t focus so much on how much
we spend George the best things in life a free - like strongly worded letters sent to banks telling them
to lend

Stephanopoulos: but you’re spending so much money boosting the economy just because we
are in an economic crisis!

Summers: you know nothing about math George - it’s like talking a woman!

Stephanopoulos: oooh

Summers: we’re spending on infrastructure and health care

Stephanopoulos: speaking of that how can the President possibly sign a bill that spends money
to save people’s lives - I mean it’s shocking

Summers: that’s true but we are going to tell
people get preventive health care which is very conservative

Stephanopoulos: but the debt!

Summers: we will reduce the deficit by taxing Cadillacs

Stephanopoulos: I don’t care about that - I just
want you to say you will cut the debt, deficit, health care costs and make me taller

Summers: Done done and done

Stephanopoulos: will you make banks lend or not?

Summers: the American people bailed out the
big banks and Obama is going to have a serious
talk with them and tell them to please pull their heads out of their fucking asses

Stephanopoulos: how about that Eric?

Cantor: the real problem is that there is too much regulation of banks - who get then mad and refuse
to lend money to small businesses

Stephanopoulos: Obama says the GOP is captured by financial lobbyists

Cantor: we couldn’t support the financial reform bill because it had no bipartisan support

Stephanopoulos: um what

Cantor: Washington activism scare investors so they just put all their money under the mattress

Stephanopoulos: because you always say no to whatever Obama does - does that mean he gets the credit when it turns around like it always does when Dems are in charge?

Cantor: no because Obama is a big spending wacko

Stephanopoulos: you mean like Reagan, Bush I
and Bush II

Cantor: right crazy liberals like them


Stephanopoulos: George why does the economy suck?

Will: because businesses can never know if government will change the rules so they won’t
lend money

Stephanopoulos: but government can always
change laws

Will: not if businesses control government
like they should

Podesta: Obama should urge bankers
to lend money?

Huffington: fuck that shit - take away their toys
and they will start fucking lending

Stephanopoulos: Summers says the economy is turning around because he has a nice car

Huffington: fuck that sexist dipshit

Ryan: black teens are unemployed - if only we
had a black president

Stephanopoulos: the deficit!

Gillespie: people refuse to invest because they
need certainty

Stephanopoulos: what does that mean ‘certainty’ ?

Gillespie: just let businesses write all the rules

Huffington: oh fuck you all - Larry Summers is
a lazy fat fuck

Will: the American people understand that the only way to create jobs is low taxes and no rules

Podesta: good god - we put the GOP charge we
had a fucking Depression

Gillespie: [smirking ]
no the Bush economy was a great success

Podesta: [ smacks forehead ]


Sunday, December 06, 2009

Meet The Press - December 6, 2009

December 6, 2009
Sec. Hillary Clinton
Sec. Bob Gates
Sen. John McCain
Tom Friedman
Bob Woodward
Gregory: Welcome Secretaries to meet the press

Gates: rock on

Clinton: hey-o

Gregory: so are we finally leaving Afghanistan
or what?

Gates: we are beginning to thin our forces

Gregory: so fewer troops over time

Gates: no we’re just feeding them less

Gregory: does a deadline give our enemies a
green light to bide their time and then attack
us after we leave?

Clinton: no because this deadline is to tell
the Afghans to get off their asses and take
over their own country

Gregory: but this is a signal of weakness!

Gates: Calm down Fluffy - how can we ever
leave without planning on leaving?

Gregory: we could just leave unannounced
one night like my relatives when they come for Thanksgiving

Clinton: Look Greggers George W. Bush lost the Afghan war and we’re finally going to send the Marines and kick Afghan ass

Gregory: Bob is it true that George Bush refused
to send reinforcements to Afghanistan?

Gates: yes - Bush wanted to send all out troops to Ukraine and Australia

Gregory: that’s Risk

Gates: tell me about it

Gregory: are we finally downsizing the War on Terror and upping the War on Panic?

Clinton: not at all - we’re never leaving Afghanistan but we’re putting civilians there instead

Gregory: But Dick Cheney says Obama is weak
and we must kill all bad guys!!

Clinton: I recently got a PDB: “David Gregory Determined to Remain a Moron”

Gates: I helped write that

Clinton: awesome

Gates: Osama bin Laden is only one who wants
us to stay there forever

Gregory: and Cheney

Gates: well of course

Gregory: so when are leaving so I can accuse
you of surrendering

Gates: eleventy-never

Gregory: When will you go after the Baddest
of the Bad

Clinton: I don’t know anything about Tiger Woods

Gregory: Don’t you have to kill Osama bin Laden?

Clinton: I’ll strangle him myself if I have to

Gregory: isn’t this a quagmire just like when the USSR invaded?

Gates: no not at all we just have a lot of troops attempting to impose a government in Afghanistan going house to house to eliminate any domestic opposition to our invasion

Gregory: right

Gregory: But Tom Hayden says this is immoral!

Clinton: let’s not bicker about who invaded who - good grief we’ve got kids planting fucking seeds!

Gregory: but I just realized this invasion is
so expensive!

Clinton: who gives a fuck - this is war!

Gregory: Is failure an option in Afghanistan?

Gates: Seriously, he can’t be this stupid can
he Hillary?

Clinton: no Bob he really is

Gates: Fascinating

[ break ]

Gregory: Should we ever withdraw from Afghanistan?

McCain: first let me say casualties will go up and many more young people will be killed and therefore I strongly support the decision

Gregory: of course

McCain: Afghanistan, India, Iraq and Pakistan are
all now panicking because we might end our occupation of that region and boy do they hate that

Gregory: what’s your answer?

McCain: we must stop Al-Qaeda from looking at their watches by taking away their arms

Gregory: their weapons?

McCain: no their actual arms - and legs if necessary

Gregory: but that’s a forever war!

McCain: no the goal of all war is to break the enemy’s will

Gregory: oh that’s right - you’re fucking crazy

McCain: we must crush the people psychologically

Gregory: the people are so depressed they veer between being suicidal and engaging in wholescale revolution

McCain: the Afghan people are not there yet

Gregory: I was talking about America

McCain: kill! kill kill!

Gregory: Karzai is corrupt - why should we commit ourselves there?!

McCain: because Maliki was ineffective in Iraq
until we started killing on his behalf

Gregory: um what?

McCain: nothing succeeds like success - we just have kill more people and then the Afghan government will be really popular!

Gregory: can we catch Osama?

McCain: the bad news is we can’t catch him but the good news is al-qaeda will attack us anyway

Gregory: is Obama surrending the war on terror?

McCain: you are an idiot

Gregory: but the message of weakness!

McCain: taking to time to think about our policy didn’t help our enemies

Gregory: is the stimulus working?

McCain: no

Gregory: really?

McCain: well maybe it did

Gregory: I don’t understand

McCain: Generational Theft!

Gregory: Health care public option?

McCain: I hope the American people will reject Medicare, Medicare, Veteran’s health and what
all Congressmen get

Gregory: tell me about Sarah Palin

McCain: I am very entertained when I see
her attacked

Gregory: she thinks you’re an senile fool

McCain: Todd lent me his silk underwear so
we’re friends now


Gregory: Tom you’re a bloodthirsty maniac
- tell me about Afghanistan

Friedman: the key issue is that our chief ally Karzai is corrupt and so we must fight him so we can then support him

Woodward: the good news is Obama has pleased the Village which loves good war

Gregory: will Pakistan attack the Baddest of
the Bad guys?

Friedman: there is only one indicator of success
- if I sell more books

Gregory: that’s all?

Friedman: The Afghans have to want to destroy
their country more than we do

Gregory: doesn’t a withdrawal giving the enemy
an advantage?

Woodward: [ laughs in Gregory’s face ]
man you’re dumb

Friedman: we need to encourage a bloody civil war in Islam

Gregory: wow - you’re still crazy after all these years

Friedman: those fucking muslims make just want to bomb all of them

Woodward: we should smoke bad cigarettes and use toilets with Afghans

Audience: truly a meeting of the minds this morning

Gregory: Obama said failure is an option

Friedman: we should impose a gasoline tax now that a Democrat is President

Woodward: what they are really saying is let’s see what happens on the ground

Gregory: oh really

Woodward: but then there could be another horrible attack on America which would change everything

Gregory: we can only hope

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - December 6, 2009

December 6, 2009
Sec. Hillary Clinton
Sec. Bob Gates
Stephanopoulos: Sec. Gates and Clinton thanks for coming - President McCain says we should stay in Afghanistan forever

Gates: this isn’t an exit strategy - it’s a gradual conditions-based get-the-fuck-out-of-that-hellhole-strategy

Stephanopoulos: so when do we leave

Gates: we will bring in the cavalry and they will stand on a hill and watch Afghanistan disintegrate

Stephanopoulos: should we commit troops to Karzai who makes the Godfather look like Mr. Rogers?

Clinton: he may be a corrupt bastard but he’s
our corrupt bastard

Stephanopoulos: ok

Clinton: the proof will be in the pudding

Stephanopoulos: interesting metaphor

Clinton: it’s not a metaphor - that’s where he
hides his bribes

Stephanopoulos: ah

Stephanopoulos: John Kerry points out that Bush and Pakistan let Osama bin Laden get away

Gates: yeah so what

Stephanopoulos: well where is Osama?

Gates: we haven’t received a Christmas
card from him in years

Stephanopoulos: no idea where he is?

Gates: He has been practically invisible for a long long time

Stephanopoulos: He was on Jay Leno twice
last month

Gates: see what I mean

Stephanopoulos: talk Taliban to me

Clinton: they have to renounce violence
and extremism

Stephanopoulos: you can’t even get that
from the Teabaggers

Stephanopoulos: Shouldn’t this war be paid for while we fight it for the first time ever now that a black man is President??

Clinton: the Afghan war will be paid for by not fighting a useless war in Iraq

Stephanopoulos: why spend $30 billion to get 100 Al-Qaeda fighters - you could send them all
to Harvard for that

Gates: yeah but we’re trying to get them away from schools of radical rhetoric

Stephanopoulos: that’s a good point

Stephanopoulos: What’s your best argument for getting further bogged down Afghanistan?

Gates: the mighty Soviet Union was defeated there and it brought down the entire empire and breaking up that nation

Stephanopoulos: well I’m convinced

Stephanopoulos: Sec. Clinton should we
invade Italy?

Clinton: it would be more fun that going in the middle east

Stephanopoulos: Awesome

Stephanopoulos: Don’t we have to defeat Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan or it will destabilize Pakistan and Yemen?

Feingold: no they will all move to Pakistan - rather
we should not be there so they will not leave

Stephanopoulos: so should we leave or go?

Feingold: we should have a rational policy

Stephanopoulos: that’s it?

Feingold: you’d be surprised how controversial
that is in Washington

Stephanopoulos: ok

Feingold: no one would invade Afghanistan in
2009 would they?

Stephanopoulos: but for 9/11

Feingold: but we won when we chased them
into Pakistan

Stephanopoulos: can you stop this surge in Afghanistan?

Feingold: probably not - but we in the U.S. are
out of money

Stephanopoulos: speaking of that - can we afford a public health option?

Feingold: it’s fucking exciting fucker!

Stephanopoulos: Senator your language!

Feingold: sorry dude but the details of public policy get me all hot motherfucker!

Stephanopoulos: ok thanks Russ