Sunday, September 28, 2008

MEET THE PRESS - September 28, 2008

September 28, 2008
Meet The Press
Steve Schmidt - McCain campaign
David axelrod - Obama campaign
Bob Schaffer
Mark Udall
Former President Bill Clinton

Brokaw: ohl miss won teh debate

Schmidt: i'm glad we bothered to show up

Brokaw: Bailout plan?

Schmidt: we are facing an economic catastrophe and McCain alone brought the people who hate Bush to the table

Brokaw: who?

Schmidt: Republicans

Schmidt: John McCain came back to washington to grandstand say the word "table" a lot

Brokaw: Obama didn't even go back to DC!

Axelrod: come on - Obama has been trying to help the middle class while McCain had brilliant strategy of flip flopping and blowing off dave letterman

Brokaw: omg the WSJ editorial page doesn't like you!

Axelrod: i would invite them to blow me on inauguration day

Axelrod: Obama is trying to help people and John McCain spent the whole debate waving a rake around

Schmidt: John McCain wants to give american teenagers $7,000 for having a baby

Axelrod: i don't think that will solve our problems

Schmidt: he's flip flopper

Axelrod: that's like you calling crystal gale bald

Axelrod: that makes me very sad - all McCain proposes is tax cuts

Brokaw: some dude somewhere cares about the debt - what would you cut?

Axelrod: Obama will cut the medicare advantage and spending in Iraq

Brokaw: but that doesn't count - the war is paid for Ceiling Cat

Schmidt: heil ceiling cat!

Schmidt: McCain parachuted into DC like a hero who puts his country first

Axelrod: john McCain has sadly sold his soul to the devil

Brokaw: i did see him with Karl Rove

Schmidt: we're winning in Iraq

Brokaw: that's not what Gen. Petraeus says

Schmidt: victory is a country that is not rent apart daily by civil war

Tom: awesome

Brokaw: they say McCain is a big liar

Schmidt: they lie about saying we are liars

Axelrod: liar

Schmidt: taxer

Axelrod: shut up

Schmidt: Obama hates america and love terrorists

Axelrod: McCain is a senile bastard

Axelrod: Iraq has a surplus of $70 billion

Schmidt: wow do you think they need a bailout?

Brokaw: as we go i feel compelled to cite the one poll McCain is leading in - he will make a great commander in chief

Schmidt: [ slips brokaw 500 bucks ]

[ break ]
Brokaw: Bailout plan?

Bob Schaffer: well that is a lot of money i don't know if we have enough trees to print all that cash

Brokaw: but you support it

Schaffer: what can you do

Brokaw: cox says the one-eyed snake of government is to blame

Schaffer: it's possible to blame Reagan or deregulation but I blame Democrats for not regulating Fannie Mae more

Brokaw: why should taxpayers bailout housing speculators

Mark Udall: they shouldn't

Brokaw: oh

Udall: not welfare for Wall Street but for Main Street

Brokaw: uh huh

Udall: the taxpayer should be at the head of the line

Brokaw: well then we could just not do the bailout

Udall: except for that

[ break ]

Brokaw: you predicted McCain would be the nominee

Clinton: i admire him but Obama has shown an ability to learn

Brokaw: high praise

Clinton: no i mean it -- he outfoxed me and hillary with the whole ‘change’ thing

Brokaw: do you think he is a great man like McCain?

Clinton: hell i don't even know him!!

Brokaw: you never spoke in 2004 or later??

Clinton: hey McCain is a great man -- he keeps running for president even though he keeps failing - it sweet watching him brave though his loserness

Brokaw: so Obama is only potentially great

Clinton: right

Brokaw: what more should he do

Clinton: be the President and then serve the whole world

Brokaw: try to restrain yourself

Brokaw: you met Obama at Sylvia's at harlem where i hear they use silverware

Clinton: it's awesome

Brokaw: will you campaign for Obama

Clinton: look hillary said he would always support the winner and she has

Brokaw: but?

Clinton: but nothing

Brokaw: will women vote for Palin

Clinton: some will - like all those blacks who voted for Obama even though Hillary was better

Brokaw: advice for Biden?

Clinton: go after the undecided voters - they must like McCain and Palin so be very specific about what they are going to do

Brokaw: makes sense

Clinton: he should play the white catholic blue-collar card

Brokaw: that will win over MSNBC

Brokaw: Great issues?

Clinton: one economic strength and two international strength - look at the Pew Poll where the USA is popular where Bush has fought AIDS

Brokaw: the American people need to hear about some economic success stories in Africa

Audience: maybe we could hear some from America

Clinton: hey tom Africa is a continent -- discuss it with your news people

Brokaw: my what?

The Chris Matthews Show - September 28, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
September 28, 2008

Matthews: wow they held a debate and Obama didn't use the word motherfucker once!!

Mitchell: Obama failed - he's no ronald reagan

Brooks: i miss reagan

Chris: me too

Brooks: it was too wonky what's up with all the showing-off about all their knowledge at a presidential debate???

Robinson: McCain's problem is that he is an incredible asshole

Kay: he refused to look at the black guy

Matthews: maybe he's like Colbert and can't see color

Brooks: this was the best I've ever seen John McCain

Matthews: that's not good

Mitchell: it's true that McCain had a terrible week but we can cross our fingers that he can turn it around!!

Robinson: they're both going to vote for the bailout!

Brooks: i've been hanging with the common people at applebee's and they tell me that they don't like this

Kay: obama is a stone cold fish who has to pretend he cares about the middle class - John McCain has to pretend he's human

Matthews: who won the week?

Panel: Obama!

Matthews: that's good news for John McCain!

Kay: but it's not the debate that’s the problem - it's that McCain is a doddering fool and that's not going to change

Tweety: i disagree the important thing is Obama won the debate

Brooks: no fair that debate was held at night!

Mitchell: don't count out John McCain yet!

Brooks: McCain really won the debate!

Robinson: that's right

Mitchell: hey John McCain only had two hours to prepare and he was better than Obama

Brooks: oh yeah!

Matthews: OMG it turns out that Sarah Palin is a moron!!

Palin: russian fish invade my space!

Brooks: i admire sarah palin for facing down Putin's reared head

Chris: you like her

Brooks: Sarah the Unready

Kay: the neocons love her she believes in freeance and peeance

Matthews: Kathy Parker doesn't like her and Robert Parker gave 10 points

Mitchell: Juneau, We Have a Problem

Robinson: Biden will respectfully answer the questions and Palin will talk nonsense and the rest of us will squirm uncomfortably

Kay: GOP loves her

Matthews: Palin isn't stupid

Brooks: she will rise to level of mediocrity

Kay: even Petraeus thinks McCain is living in a fantasy world

Robinson: there will be big liberal turnout on election

Mitchell: Sarah Silverman is telling people to schlep to the votes

Brooks: Adam Putnam is leading a pack of angry young white republicans

Tweety: he's adorable - he's the clay aiken of American Conservatism

Mattthews: Paul Newman was a liberal, rich, generous, talented, good-looking, charitable, respected, and told the truth

Kay: wow it's like you and he were matter and anti-matter

Tweety: ha!!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Presidential Debate - Ole Miss - September 26, 2008

Presidential Debate
Senator Barack Obama
Senator John McCain
Host: Jim Lehrer
University of Mississippi
September 26, 2008

Lehrer: first question is an easy one - at this moment where are you standing?

Obama: i'm standing at Ole Miss dude

Lehrer: right

Obama: I know all of you are thinking how does this bailout plan affect Barack Obama's ability to send his kid to college

Audience: oh yeah

Obama: we have to do it but no golden parachutes - only platinum

Audience: yay

Obama: but let's remember this bailout is a verdict of ‘Guilty’ on conservatism - let's face it - it sucks

McCain: thank you to the University I almost blew off and also my dear friend Ted Kennedy

Audience: didn't he endorse Obama?

McCain: i like it when people get together and Main street failed and will lose their credits and i remember the depression - oh i forgot i like it when people get together also the house republicans were or rather now are part of teh solution - foreign oil [ cough ]

Lehrer: what the hell was that

Obama: let's remember we handed the keys of this county to Phil Gramm and Tom Delay - are you happy now America?

Lehrer: Bailout plan - yes or no

McCain: i hope to vote for it

Lehrer: yes or no?

McCain: yeah why not

McCain: speaking of Eisenhower the answer to our financial problems is to write crazy-ass letters and old timey stories

Obama: oh for god's sake old man you know as well as I do the Republican party tried to repeal the fucking law of gravity

Lehrer: face him and say it

Obama: he scares the shit out of me

McCain: the Wall Street and the Google and the regulators are to blame but goddam the underpaid uninsured american worker will pick up the burden and pay off goldman sach's debt

Lehrer: i can't believe one of you will actually be President

McCain: spending! Eisenhower! Saving Private Ryan! Gateway drugs!

Obama: jesus Christ

McCain: him to

Lehrer: how will you fix America?

McCain: i will veto every spending bill that crosses my desk

Audience: except for the trillion dollar bailout

McCain: right

McCain: we spent a million dollars to find out which children the Chicago Bears fathered

Obama: hey that was an important bill

Obama: there you go again - whine about earmarks while the GOP hands billions to the rich - not this time rictus

McCain: i am outraged that the Republican party is corrupt

Obama: he got that right

McCain: he is a big spending liberal-

Obama: all right i've heard enough from you gramps - you bet i'm spending money health care but basically he's a liar

McCain: the fuckin drunken irish are beating us but the real point is you will be appalled at all the corruption at the longtime Republican party -- which is why you must reject the young Democrat and elect the elderly Republican

Audience: makes sense to me

Obama: John John John

McCain: who? what?

Obama: he wants to keep the loopholes and intends to tax health benefits

McCain: damm i thought he didn't know about that one

Lehrer: John do you want to tax health care?

McCain: energy bill!

Obama: i swear i will cut you open like a motherfuckin fish old man

McCain: he’s a big spender

Obama: fucking liar

McCain: heh heh heh you support big oil

Obama: why don't you go drill offshore you senile fuck

Lehrer: where the hell are we going to come up with 1.2 trillion dollars??

Obama: we are going to have inflate A LOT of tires

Audience: okey dokey

Obama: also more americans will have to die and then we can collect estate taxes

Audience: oh no

Obama: fortunately we have the worst health care system in the world

Audience: oh good

McCain: where was i?

Leher: what?

McCain: Cost plus contracts!

Lehrer: huh?

McCain: ethanol

Obama: [ drinks ethanol ]

Lehrer: that's poisonous

Obama: i've spent the last 5 years building up an immunity to ethanol

Audience: wow

McCain: he's the most liberal senator ever

Obama: yes if by that you mean I oppose George W Bush at evey turn

McCain: can i talk

Lehrer: no

McCain: [ waves rake ]

spending freeze!

Obama: oh for god's sake why would hire a rake wielding grampy when you can hire Tiger Woods with an IQ of 210

Leher: will you be president?

McCain: you can't get there from here

Lehrer: all right you two will you please admit you can't keep your promises when the money is all gone

Obama: dood since you seem to be obsessed with this sure whatever

McCain: [ yells at cloud ]

Lehrer: Obama just take Matlock’s time

Obama: look we're going to have to make some tough choices

McCain: probably enacting a right wing agenda is the way to go so just cut taxes cut regulations and cut waste

Lehrer: yeah nobody ever promises to cut waste

Obama: um hey Abe you voted for Bush's budgets or maybe your forgot

McCain: i was not voted Miss Congeniality i voted Most Likely to Die During a Presidential Campaign

Lehrer: what is the lesson of Iraq

McCain: you cannot have a fight without a plan and with strategy

Audience: huh

McCain: we will come home with victory and with honor and we have created our own little colony

Audience: bullshit

McCain: Petraeus! Troops! I have five fingers!

Obama: motherfucker i opposed this disaster when it was risky to do - we took our eye off the ball and spent a trillion dollars and Osama is still free to hit America the lesson is -- Elect Me

McCain: it doesn't matter why we got in it matters that hasn't met with the leaders of the senate subcommitte on Natos

Obama: i am now going filet this old man like a chicken on mardi gras

Obama: you were wrong about sunni and shia and you were wrong about the war and you were wrong about weapons of mass destruction

McCain: but but but

Obama: [ waves finger ] shut the fuck up crazy

McCain: [ whining ] senator obama cut off funds for our little troops

Obama: I'm trying, grampy, I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd

Obama: look Osama bin Laden and Petraeus agree

Lehrer: let's talk Afghanistan

Obama: jesus christ we're being attacked in Afghanitan and the taliban and we're losing and there was no al qaeda and nothing to do with 9/11 and that my friend john is a fucking failure of strategy

McCain: but-

Obama: and we have to deal with Poppy and Barbara and jenna and the other one

McCain: let me talk about something that happened 25 years ago

Audience: booooooring

McCain: look we all know Obama is right that we have do certain things in Pakistan if you know what i mean but you don't say it out loud you whisper it

Obama: what do you know?

McCain: i was married to Alexander the Great's niece and the jihadist elements are sending me secret messages by bombing marriot courtyards around world

Obama: he's sundowning

Obama: goddamit I'm motherfucking TNT and I'm gonna take Osama bin Laden out even if he is in fuckin Pakistan

McCain: look i was afraid in 1983 and I would like to talk about Lebanon and Bosnia and Iraq

Obama: [ yawn ]

McCain: and Kosovo and Somalia and

Lehrer: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

McCain: a woman told me to wear a bracelet and i said ok

Audience: ok

McCain: and that means thousands more Americans have to die and spend a trillion dollars

Audience: not following

McCain: we must stay because I still am dealing with issues from a war from 40 years ago

Obama: holy fuck this is just sad

[ shoots three pointer ]

Obama: this old guy said we could muddle through Afghanistan what a loser

McCain: look the point is he hates America

Lehrer: anything else

McCain: he doesn't care about my psychological problems

Lehrer: Iran?

McCain: if Iran gets nukes it will threaten Israel and also the other little countries will want their own bomb and then Alabama will want one

Obama: oh no

McCain: together with the French we can form a super League of Democracies and threaten to take away Iran's wine and cheese and all the gays there will overthrow the lousy government

Obama: what's ironic here is that Matlock doesn't get the big picture he just lurches from issue to issue to like a doddering villain from a grade b movie

Audience: oooh

Obama: hey shithead Russia isn't just going to help you out since you practically declared war on them last month

McCain: see if Obama meets with him it will legitimize Ahmedinejad's illegal behavior and I know for a fact that he jaywalks in New York all the time

Obama: i'm not inviting them to Sylvia's for no motherfuckin iced tea!!

McCain: heh heh

Obama: criminy Kissinger wants to meet with Iran and then we cut off ties to North Korea even though they joined the Axis of Evil and paid their dues and everything

McCain: heh heh

Obama: fer god's sake he wants to make war on Spain. Spain!!

Audience: game. set. match.

McCain: [ sarcastic voice ] Kissinger will vouch for me!!

Obama: oh fuck off ya senile loon

McCain: Obama’s favorite dear leader met with Madeline Albright and by the war the South Korean beach volleyball team is a real threat

Obama: didn't i see you in the texas chainsaw massacre?

Lehrer: Russia!

Obama: i'v lead on this issue in a reasonable manner like in loose nuke but frankly i'd like to hear Crazy's answer cause I guar-damm-tee this will be fun

McCain: he's naive holy shit Russia invaded another country in Georgia i stared into Putin's eyes and i saw a K and a G and a B

Lehrer: what medications were you on

McCain: it was all about the pipeline

Obama: which proves my point

McCain: hey i was married to a lovely Tiblisi woman for 30 years in the 19th Century

McCain: i was in Georgia and some of the Ossetians want to be Russian

Obama: proving my point

McCain: watch Ukraine you can't win Risk without it

Obama: criminy ya loon the reason there was a poster of Putin there is that there is a breakaway province there

McCain: petrodollars!

Obama: is that the new currency?

Obama: winter is coming

McCain: nuke processing and storing

Audience: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Obama: no no no

McCain: nunn lugar!

Audience: Zzzzzzzz

Obama: i love nuclear waste

McCain: i bathe in that shit

Lehrer: 9/11 safe or no

McCain: we are safer than we were on Sept. 12

Obama: well duh they were all dead

McCain: joe lieberman. bipartisan. reaching across the aisle. all that shit.

Obama: he's a fountain of cliches

McCain: we had the best reorganization of government ever

Lehrer: god you're dull

Obama: the biggest threat we face is not a nuclear bomb it's Joe Lieberman and we are spending billions on missile defense and yet this man still roams free

[ Hillary at home, swilling scotch:

fuck this shit bill i would clean both their clocks

bill: i know hill i know

Hill: oh fuck you too

[ drinks ]

McCain: Obama doesn't get it it it's all very psychological see al qeada has seen all the vietnam movies and the Red Dawn and they are just waiting to invade America but it's all psychological and the central issue of our time is trying to finally drive out the demons of Nam and getting over the post traumatic stress from my imprisonment there

Obama: why don't you join me in the 21st century you myopic head case

[Hillary: refill my glass bubba

bill: yes dear

Hill: now goddammit ]

McCain: look i've been involved in every war since 1812 and Obama is just like George Bush

Obama: [ laughs ]

McCain: i love our little soliders and i will take care of them especially at night when the darkness comes

Obama: I am Kenyan and from the 21st century and i will improve relations with the world

McCain: it is vital that you elect me so we can finally deal with my psychological issues from Vietnam

Obama: dood. just... dood.

Lehrer: good night

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Meet The Press
Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson
Mayor Mike Bloomberg
September 21, 2008

Tom Brokaw: thanks for coming Chancellor this is economy is worst thing since Rome fell to the barbarians

Henry Paulson: hey as a conservative i don't like bailouts but we have to do this

Brokaw: why

Paulson: crazy irresponsible businessmen drove cadillacs and were on financial crack and now they need welfare

Brokaw: mighty white of them

Paulson: it's very complex with tranches and risk and illiquid stuff

Brokaw: blah blah blah

Brokaw: Shelby says you are a crazy generous hair on fire dood

Paulson: do i look crazy to you?

Brokaw: frankly you look like a villain from a James Bond movie

Paulson: [ pets fluffy white cat ]

Brokaw: how much will this cost

Paulson: who can say - whatever my peeps at the Congressional Country Club need

Brokaw: oh ok

Paulson: when companies can't borrow money everyone suffers

Brokaw: I'm sure

Paulson: don't look at the Dow we need to look at getting people to borrow even more money!

Brokaw: is McCain a total idiot or a complete idiot?

Paulson: look we can make the American people work this debt off if we have to

Brokaw: should we appoint Bloomberg or Buffet to take over America?

Paulson: we are preventing failure

Brokaw: like hiring the iceberg to prevent more failure aboard the Titanic

Brokaw: Hank Greenberg says he can save AIG for a mere $20 billion

Paulson: oh is that all

Brokaw: Lehman sank but you bought AIG - why?

Paulson: AIG has better commercials

Brokaw: Hank Greenberg says he could have saved all by himself

Paulson: they were a few hours away from bankruptcy where was Hank then?

Brokaw: golf course?

Paulson: looks it's simple - AIG is too incompetent to fail

Brokaw: sounds like you're really looking after the taxpayer

Brokaw: the farmers can't get any money!

Paulson: that is why i need superpowers

Brokaw: like what - to fly or invisibility or what?

Paulson: the power to create money from nothing

Brokaw: now that's a cool power

Paulson: it pains me to ding the taxpayer but we need to dip in their pocket one more time -- but it was either than or my buddies lose the lease on their mercedes and the trickle down from that would be catastrophic

Brokaw: warble warble

[ Break ]

Brokaw: you are in a three way as rich mayor newsy guy

Mike Bloomberg: Paulson is awesome but there a two problems - one is fear

Brokaw: i'm terrified

Bloomberg: the other one is deserted homes are blighting nice neighborhoods - also american schools suck

[ break ]

Brokaw: can we please have a fail safe system

Bloomberg: no

Brokaw: why does our government always rush into stupid decisions?

Bloomberg: hey look risk is alot of fun but the real problem is the Republicans are fucking insane

Brokaw: i've noticed that

Bloomberg: we need one world government with one man to above all!

Brokaw: like who

Bloomberg: [ smiles modestly ]

Bloomberg: the problem is instant gratification

Brokaw: i moved to new york city from south dakota and i thought it was very scary

Bloomberg: don't worry about it - people will do without a few things but Yankee stadium will get built!

Brokaw: i'm relieved

Brokaw: Do you want a third term?

Bloomberg: i want to host Meet The Press

Brokaw: nice joke

Bloomberg: i'm not joking dude

[ hands him a $100 million check ]

Brokaw: you say we have a selfish 'i want it all and i want it now' culture

Bloomberg: we are all Veruca Salt now

Brokaw: will you save America

Bloomberg: in all modesty sure why not - i would deign to do that

Brokaw: is America fucked

Bloomberg: well we have a great work ethic and democracy and we fight but that makes us strong

Brokaw: fucked - yes or no?

Bloomberg: oh yeah definitely we're absolutely fucked

Brokaw: are we all socialists now?

Bloomberg: no one knows what the hell these crazy-ass companies do except that they have us by the short hairs

Brokaw: things were great for a while

Bloomberg: what goes up must comes down

Brokaw: what lesson can we learn

Bloomberg: dems have to learn that business is good and Republicans must learn that having gold plated showers borrowed from poor people looks bad

Brokaw: indeed platinum is good enough

Bloomberg: we're being passed in good government by Lethoso and Haiti

Brokaw: but the lipstick!

Bloomberg: uh huh

Brokaw: bailouts good or bad?

Bloomberg: i was pleased that bear stearns and lehman were crushed like the devils they are

Brokaw: you worked at Lehman

Bloomberg: no no Solomon Bros - crush the enemy!

Brokaw: who's to blame?

Bloomberg: all of us who got free mortgages

Brokaw: yes all us

Bloomberg: we all got carried away - c'est la vie

Brokaw: McCain says he is the change guy

Bloomberg: oh sure he is

Brokaw: what do the candidates have to do

Bloomberg: solve problems that can't be solved

Brokaw: and bowl

Bloomberg: i said hey ‘Barack dood American is failing why the hell do you want this thanksless job’??

Brokaw: bailout GM?

Bloomberg: we should not bailout industries and instead bailout people

Brokaw: paying taxes is patriotic?

Bloomberg: as a rich man i hate taxes but as a mayor i like them

Brokaw: who will you be voting for in the election?

Bloomberg: ah but I represent New York City so i want someone who gets urban problems

Brokaw: so either the liberal black city community organizer who went to Columbia or the right wing wizened old man from Arizona

Bloomberg: you can see why I can't make up my mind

[ break ]

Burnett: Paulson wants a bailout and Dems want to help people

Liesman: the US government is buying real estate with NO MONEY DOWN!

Brokaw: that sounds great

Liesman: they are just going to hand wall street guys $100 million cash and say "go play!"

Brokaw: is there any downside to this?

Liesman: no hire a crook to manage the money stolen by a crook

Brokaw: the crooks are getting rich!

Pearlstein: sure they took ten million dollars for failing but the economy is worth trillions

Brokaw: so the thieves get away with it?

Pearlstein: let's not bicker about who stole what

Brokaw: you're kidding

Pearlstein: everyone was doing it and we are as much to blame as the crooks

Brokaw: they risked nothing

Pearlstein: the grown-ups weren't around

Liesman: no one could have anticipated that slick MBAs would be unethical weasels

Pearlstein: the real economy could suffer due to the bad fake economy

Liesman: this is a banner day for socialism

Brokaw: [ sings Internationale ]

Burnett: beautiful financial anchors will do well in the new economy

Brokaw: we can all agree Obama and McCain did not solve this problem this week and that's bad

Liesman: who cares about them - i care about my money

Burnett: we need a king - preferably one old white guy based in Washington DC

The Chris Matthews Show - September 21, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show

September 21, 2008

Matthews: it’s the Stupid, Economy!

Stengel: bad for McCain he’s Repubican

Bumiller: McCain flipped but not flopped

Woodward: no one really understands the economy except Warren Buffet - after all he’s got a lot of money

Norah, Biker Chick: McCain had a bad week in spite of the news he invented the computer

Matthews: Obama is not a smart commander in chief like Bush

Woodward: amazingly, wishful thinking will not win the war

Matthews: wow!

Woodward: there may be casualties in Iraq and then it will be Obama’s war

Matthews: oh no so sad

Woodward: Bush aims to not be a total sucky failure

Bumiller: McCain and Obama have the same plan in Iraq - McCain always wanted to pull out

Tweety: tell me about the debates!

Biker chick: Obama should call McCain crazy

Tweety: he should ‘gig’ him

Bumiller: I swear Chris you are a Dr. Suess character come to life

Woodward: McCain lives in his own little world

Bumiller: he's very angry

Stengel: McCain's got to be strong and not an asshole

Tweety: that's tough

Stengel: Obama has to use the debate to prove he's a good solider - like maybe strangle charlie gibson with his bare hands

Bumiller: a lot of people would like that

Tweety: who won the week?

Noron: Obama did - who knows why!?

Woodward: i think these debates could be important

Tweety: oh wow!

Stegnel: lipstick season is over - the media is going to get serious - this time we mean it!!!!!

Tweety: Nixon prepared for his debate by taking sweating polls and Reagan had a good liner and Gore sighed a lot hah!

Stengel: McCain is sharp and Obama is professorial which is very very bad

Bumiller: this debate will be like West Side Story - i assume the brown skinned guy and the white guy will stab each other

Woodward: remember in an Empire the soldiers have the final say in the election

Noron: Obama has to get 20 years experience by Friday

Stengel: McCain was a POW which doesn't help much to rescue Wall Street

Woodward: no no he is the commander in chief which means he know how to fix credit default swaps

Tweety: i love it! this is not at all how we got into this problem in the first place! ha!

Tweety: Palin peaked!

Noron: she energizes the crazies everyone else thinks she's nuts

Woodward: the unwashed masses like her

Bumiller: she's dumb and he's nasty so they must campaign together

Stengel: she helps with women who hunt large animals on the weekend

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Meet The Press with Chuck Schumer, Rudy Giuliani, & Bob Woodward

Meet The Press
September 14, 2008
Sen. Chuck Schumer
Mayor Rudy Giuliani
Bob Woodward

Tom Brokaw: Chuck this race is very exciting it's like the Kentucky Derby except the loser doesn’t die at the end

Chuck Schumer: looking at McCain I wouldn't be too sure about that

Brokaw: polls say Obama isn't ready to lead in a dangerous world

Schumer: nice of you to show the only 2 questions that benefit McCain

Brokaw: warble warble

Schumer: the big question is who can put meat and potatoes on the table

Brokaw: McCain leads among white women and the elderly and rural people

Schumer: so what

Brokaw: Obama’s lost Georgia O'Keefe

Schumer: change is our strong suit

Brokaw: Obama may not win north dakota

Schumer: one less inbred ice bound hick

Brokaw: Obama has a very scary background

Schumer: McCain is just like george bush on the economy and foreign policy - other than that things are great

Brokaw: but he got a big bounce from his convention

Schumer: well he could hardly go down

Brokaw: dude don't you always pick the most qualified candidate for vp

Schumer: yeah that certainly explains picking sarah palin

Brokaw: can hillary win the most important group of all - reagan democrats ??

Schumer: hey Palin is totally corrupt - she ordered all alaksa employees not to talk investigators - that's not change and reform you can believe in

Brokaw: you wanted Obama to get more aggressive - well look at this

Schumer: to his credit he's a nice young man but it's time to break out the baseball bats Brooklyn style

Brokaw: Obama is taking money from your Jewish friends

Schumer: speaking of money would care to wager a $1,000 on Obama/Biden

Brokaw: gotta go!

[ break ]

Brokaw: McCain said he would run a respectful campaign with no negative stuff

Giuliani: sure he's a POW

Brokaw: so Obama wants kindergarteners to learn to have sex?

Rudy: yeah!

Brokaw: ithat ad is a big fat lie

Giuliani: it was a horrific sex oriented muslim black ghetto bill - although maybe the ad did go too far

Brokaw: oh sure so why lie?

Giuliani: McCain has to lie about Obama because Obama won't engage in town hall debates

Brokaw: and if he does will you stop lying

Giuliani: ha you must be kidding Tom

Giuliani: he's a fucking black ghetto community organizer

Brokaw: his first job out of college was to help people who lost their jobs when a steel mill closed

Giuliani: they were probably black muslims

Brokaw: Jesus was a community organizer

Giuliani: there are all kinds of questions about saul alinsky and his marxism

Brokaw: what's so bad about that

Giuliani: he wants to deprive the federal government of revenue

Brokaw: oh no wait til grover norquist finds out

Brokaw: Warren Buffert isn't a marxist

Giuliani: well Obama is very sneaky he tricks people by trying to appear normal

Brokaw: is there a secret racist vote?

Giuliani: i speak for John McCain and he doesn't want any votes from anyone

Brokaw: today we light the last candle in High Holy Happy 9/11 Week

Rudy: amen and pass the ammunition

Brokaw: is linsday graham gay?

Giuliani: well look there are degrees of sexuality - i mean i like to dress like a woman

Brokaw: interesting

Giuliani: Obama voted for failure!

Brokaw: no he voted against George Bush

Giuliani: at least John McCain gave us a change to pretend we're winning

Brokaw: that’s very cosmopolitan

Giuliani: look John McCain was against the war all along

Brokaw: he's a Bush supporter!

Giuliani: oh all this idea that McCain is like Bush is wearing thin

Brokaw: I'm sure it is

Brokaw: does Palin really know more about energy than anyone else in America

Giuliani: hey she can see a gas station from her house!

Giuliani: no alaska is entirely run by black muslim russian Obama supporters

Brokaw: oh of course it is

Giuliani: i got nothin dude

[ break ]

Brokaw: According to your book Bush is completely detached moron

Woodward: and those are his good qualities

Brokaw: well the White House says your book is true but not entirely for instance bush drinks scotch not whiskey

Woodward: even when Bush is engaged he is lying to the american people

Brokaw: but Stephen Hadley said Bush has a unique insight in the region of the middle east

Woodward: yeah Hadley is one of the great amateur comedians of our time

Brokaw: sounds like bush is fighting for what he believes in

Woodward: well he believes in lying to get reelected in 2004 even more apparently

Brokaw: did Bush listen to Generals Casey and Abizaid

Woodward: oh no he dinnit

Woodward: i asked bush if he asked them about reality on the ground

Brokaw: and what he did say

Woodward: he said he'd been drinking heavily that day and couldn't remember

Brokaw: Bush does end-runs around his own Defense dept!

Woodward: it's really bizarre

Brokaw: Petraeus won't say we can achieve victory - why does he hate America??

Woodward: Iraq always has surprises - it is the gift that keeps on giving

Brokaw: what will Stupid tell President Obama?

Woodward: 'don't let Iraq fail like i have'

[ break ]

Brokaw: tell me about Iraq c-Todd

Chuck Todd: both nominees are all about Iraq but then again we also have a disaster in the economy so there is that

Brokaw: sounds like we must elect Republicans

Todd: of course

Brokaw: what do women want?

Todd: Ferraro gave a huge bump

Brokaw: wow without her Mondale might have lost 51 states

Todd: indeed

Brokaw: Palin Bubble?

Todd: she might be Amazon or the sock puppet

Brokaw: who wins in 2008 election?

Todd: the states are cementing into place except for wisconsin or the West

Brokaw: so Obama wins?

Todd: no he can win the whole west and lose Wisconsin or Michigan and he's screwed

Brokaw: so who win Michigan?

Todd: they say they hate the direction of the country, the economy, the war, and will vote for Dems

Brokaw: ok then

Todd: except for Obama

Brokaw: hmm i wonder why

Todd: too articulate

The Chris Matthews Show - September 14, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
September 14, 2008

Chris Matthews: how did Palin do?

Whitaker: she crammed for that exam and it was awesome!

Katty Kay: she repeated lines over and over and I think Palin supporters will be very impressed

Pat Healy: it's like you cloned Bush and gave him another X chromosome!

Matthews: we can all agree that you can't be seen as going after a woman

Cynthia Tucker: i hate Joe Biden for rolling his eyes at this stupid woman

Whitaker: the GOP always knew or at least hope this would be a close election

Tweety: Obama is black and he can't fight back or he will be Malcolm X all over again

Tucker: Obama is at a disadvantage because he has scruples and McCain does not

Tweety: good point

Tweety: Elvis and Otis Redding had lunch together this week

Healy: Bill told Barack to show some passion

Tweety: how do you know that

Healy: my magic pundit hat

Tweety: wow

Kay: when obama complains about trivialization of the media it sounds like whining

Kay: Obama had a bad -- week Fannie Mae collapsed, Iraq is failing, Afghanistan is in chaos, and we are talking about lipstick and pig

Tweety: how did that happen

Kay: it's like magic

Tucker: somehow McCain magically sets the agenda - its amazing

Kay: working women in America realize that raising 5 kids takes some time and efforts but VP doesn't

Tucker: no one would ever ask a man that question so i say go sarah palin - although it's a double edge sword cause now all bosses will say hey if Palin can do it all so can you

Tweety: speak for hillary Patrick - go!

Healy: Hillary’s fans were hard core autograph seekers whereas Palin gets solid working people

Tweety: c'mon she's going to have a big staff like me

Whitaker: tough men love Palin

Kay: is Todd a real man?

Tweety: wait til he snowmobiles down Pennsylvania avenue i may have an orgasm just thinking about it!!

Kay: Obama is terrified of talking about race or else people will realize he's black

Whitaker: 4 million people in foreclosure - let's talk about pigs & lipstick

Tucker: Palin raised taxes

Healy: a lot of concern trolls are very concerned

Tweety: Rocky III!! Eye of the Tiger!!

Obama: McCain should stop lying

McCain: i had to lie because Obama wouldn't have town hall meetings with me

Matthews: who wins their debates

Kay: Obama - he’s better looking than McCain

Whitaker: McCain has raised expectations too high - people actually expect him to stay awake through the whole debate

Tucker: Obama has to learn to be strong and wrong

Healy: Palin has been like a shot of penicillin in the arm for Republicans

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Service Forum with John McCain and Barack Obama

Service Forum
September 11, 2008
Judy Woodruff
Rick Stengel
Senator John McCain
Senator Barack Obama

Woodruff: how can we make sure we celebrate 9/11 every year right?

McCain: by uttering a string of banal cliches in a weak and feeble voice on national television

Stengel: what would you have done after 9/11 differently from President Stupid?

McCain: i would have proposed neighborhood watch programs to guard nuclear power plants and expanded the military

Stengel: but Stupid did expand the military

McCain: look americans are better than other people and we showed it after 9/11 by bringing democracy to the little brown countries

Woodruff: should we force people to serve?

McCain: oh no! we should underfund the ones we have that way we can always claim they are oversubscribed

Woodruff: why are the American people so eager to serve?

McCain: they are inspired to attack Russia over south ossetia

Stengel: why is Obama always bashing congress?

McCain: because Congress is so terrible they're lazy and greedy

Woodruff: but you've been in Congress for 55 years

McCain: no i fought Congress but Congress won - also i shot the sherriff and his deputy

Stengel: what are the lessons from hurricane katrina?

McCain: the private sector should take the lead FedEx or Target should have been in charge of relief efforts instead of people always relying on big borther

Stengel: what else

McCain: christian churches should build all over levees or at least pray for the hurricanes to hit the bad people

Woodruff: why is it only the rich people like me who volunteer their time

McCain: i've found that isn't true but in any case i hope businesses would give employees to take time off do work for Jimmy Carter

Stengel: what about business giving paid leave for volunteer work

McCain: i would praise them and then give them a tax break to go overseas

Stengel: you and everyone in your family served in the military

McCain: no i never talk about that

Stengel: ok let's move on

McCain: wait let me tell a 30 minute story on my incredible heroism

Woodruff: why are all the troops poor and black?

McCain: hey baby it was worse during the draft

Woodruff: what a relief

McCain: look the reason they're all black is because the military is just too small it's a wonder we haven't been invaded by Luxembourg yet

Woodruff: so we have a teeny tiny army

McCain: yes the answer is to let ivy league colleges let the ROTC recruit for officers on campus among the brave keyboarders

Woodruff: but you know why they don't it's cause the military hates gays - which incidentally could increase the size of the army-

Stengel: whoa! time for a commercial break - don't answer that General McCain

Stengel: you authored a great bill which i won't explain

McCain: [ grins creepily ]

Stengel: so why not have mandatory military service

McCain: whoa dude people are afraid of me enough if they think i'm in favor of the draft the GOP will lose a whole generation

Stengel: fair enough old man

Woodruff: Obama's plan would cost a whopping $3 billion!

McCain: yes it's crazy - let’s have the private sector handle service

Stengel: would ask Senator Obama being your Secretary of Motivatin' Teh Youngsters?

McCain: oh sure but why get the government involved do you know the Bush cabinet never meets?

Stengel: so sad

Woodruff: Sarah Palin dissed community service

McCain: look she had to do that because Obama won't go to all my little town halls

Woodruff: i'm confused

McCain: hey she was defending herself from the vicious sexist attacks on her epic Mayorship of wacka-wacka

Stengel: will you triple AmeriCorps

McCain: yes

[ applause ]

McCain: i love ted kennedy if he can recover so can i

McCain: but dammit let's make sure we encourage volunteerism with bland cheap banalities without doing anything about

Woodrufff: only on CNN folks

Woodruff: what can teh elderly or in your case the superelderly do

McCain: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Woodruff: JOHN!!!

McCain: what? Huh?

Woodruff: this glowing grammaphone hath transmitted a message

McCain: let's face it America sucks - i know that - why don't you think i don't know that?

Woodruff: you're a fucking ray of sunshine

McCain: did i mention i want a war with russia?

Woodruff: why aren't you raving at a tv in a nursing home

McCain: grrr arrr matlock!!!

Stengel: will you give every PhD a green card

McCain: um, what?

Woodruff: we all know this is Happy 9/11 Day - but what makes us superior to Canadians or Mexicans?!

McCain: well the founding fathers thought so - we are the ONLY country that believes in human rights or god -- look at what we did after WWII

Woodruff: Glory Days!

McCain: we are more generous than other nations

Woodruff: you make me feel warm inside but do you have proof of that?

McCain: yes look at our friendship with Britain

Woodruff: exactly

Stengel: why are parties and partisanship so evil?

McCain: oh that is so so so sad - i've said repeatedly that America-hating anti-female muslim nigger is good kid

Stengel: i can't understand why that boy can't accept your friendship

Stengel: OMG! By 2042 the white will be gone how can we stop this!?!

McCain: Look we've had wave after wave of slaves come to america seeking freedom

Stengel: amen

McCain: look casey it's sad but we need all those Mexicans to fight our wars

Stengel: demmit it makes me mad

[ obama walks on stage ]

[ college crowd goes WILD ]

Woodruff: OMG run for your lives!!!

Stengel: what does Christmas mean to you

Obama: birth of christ

Stengel: sorry I meant 9/11

Obama: easy mistake

Casey: sure

Obama: it's a reminder of the spirit of togetherness when dick armey sang with barbara mikulski

[ audience shudders ]

Obama: how do we recreate that

Stengel: remake of South Pacific?

Obama: Hey Stupid did all the right things - he rallied the nation and got Osama

Woodruff: he did?

Obama: but then he should have admitted it was all about oil and had a bold new plan of installing those curly light bulbs in every dorm in America

[ YAYY! ]

Obama: i would have told people we all have to be at war

Stengel: we all know Americans are the laziest fucks around hell they can't be bothered to vote

Obama: that what makes America great - we believe in utter selfishness not only for ourselves but for our neighbors too

Stengel: what else

Obama: we think long term

Stengel: sorry which country are you talking about?

Woodruff: specfics pleez

Obama: i would appoint Ted Kennedy and Orrin Hatch in charge of scaring kids in high school into service - if they volunteer i would promise not to send them to their schools

Woodruff: brilliant!

Stengel: you are in fact in favor of national service and you are black

Obama: i know

Stengel: but how are you going to crush the unions?

Obama: hey the unions are all about coming together they love that

Stengel: but the teachers are tough

Obama: Dood. So. Am. I

Woodruff: McStupid seems kind of out of it - he didn't realize poor people are too busy waiting in line at the soup kitchen to volunteer at the soup kitchen

Obama: hey i can dig it - i graduated from Columbia and it was harder to find a community service job than it was to work on Wall Street

Judy: how odd

Obama: and then you can go to college for a little service

Judy: well ok

Stengel: but Newt Gingrich said the blacks took all the good service jobs so the government has to suck ass!!

Obama: that's just an excuse to give massive tax cuts to the rich

Stengel: what's wrong with that

Obama: FEMA should fucking work

Woodruff: so if i hear right John McCain is heartless bastard and your are a tax raising socialist

Obama: that sums it up - now make your choice America

Woodruff: how can we make our military bigger so we invade Russia?

Obama: oh yeah we need a bigger army - you know my white grandfather fought with Patton

Woodruff: i didn't know there were negroes in the army in those days

Obama: let's be honest small rural towns are fighting our wars and not the rich kids

Stengel: right places like Columbia hate America they invited Adolf Ahmedinejad but not the Uncle Sam

Obama: damm right

[ waves tiny flag ]

Woodruff: so what else

Obama: we need people who speak other languages and agricultural specialists in Afghanistan

Woodruff: like who

Obama: people who know how to grow quality weed like purple kush

Stengel: is there any reason people should the Empire more in war than in peace?

Obama: [ reaches for drink ]

holy shit they're serving kool aid

Woodruff: can we give military benefits to kids in AmeriCorps

Obama: well look with all due respect to young teachers soldiers are risking life and limb - we can only afford right now to give them electrified showers and roach-infested hospitals

Woodruff: well sure

Woodruff: will you have McCain in your cabinet

Obama: yeah i like gramps story he's inspired a generation of kids to get shot down and be a POW

Woodruff: big dreams

Obama: i met a big shot lawyer who quit his job to create a post traumatic stress group in Montana

Woodruff: it's so wonderful that a state with so few people has such a need

Stengel: following the Doctrine of False Equivalency did Democrats insult mayors like Palin did to community organizers

Obama: no

Stengel: would like to expand on that

Obama: you're a dick

Stengel: well i never hear that at teh country club

Judy: you're so mean and partisan

Obama: hey whitey Bush put a fucking horse expert in charge of FEMA and thousands died

Judy: now hold on we don't know that

Obama: cause no one bothered to count

Judy: hey one POW is tragedy, thousands death in the bayou is a statistic

Stengel: de cocqueville said America was deeply weird and special

Obama: we are both selfish and idealistic and under Republicans we have veered toward the selfish

Stengel: well that's America nothing you can do

Obama: no in my campaign as in the army we give young people big jobs

Stengel: are they [ whispers ] black??

Obama: they're whoppin’ green screen's ass

Stengel: following the Doctrine of False Equivalency did Democrats
insult mayors like Palin did to community organizers

Obama: Kennedy and Clinton inspired people

Woodruff: name a good Republican

Obama: ok teddy roosevelt

Stengel: ow that's cheating

Woodruff: thanks for coming handsome

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Meet The Press with Joe Biden - September 7, 2008

September 7, 2008
Sen. Joe Biden
Tom Friedman

Brokaw: congrats for being Obama's flunky

Biden: merci buckets

Brokaw: Sarah Palin is great isn't she?

Biden: she's smart and tough and someday she might have to answer questions

Brokaw: we all remember where we were when men landed on the moon - who did you call 1st after Palin's historically magnificent speech?

Biden: I didn’t call anyone I fell asleep

Brokaw: the GOP has told me you are not allowed to go after Palin because she is a woman and not too bright - so it would be sexist not to hold her to a lower standard

Biden: oh brother

Brokaw: obviously women will vote for Hillary and now Sarah Palin

Biden: that seems sexist to me

Brokaw: well you know how the ladies and blacks are they just vote for each other

Biden: if you say so

Brokaw: Why does Oprah hate America and women and working class people?

Biden: you are a true idiot, aren't you?

Brokaw: well I love Sarah Palin

Biden: she never talks about the economy or the war or health care or

Brokaw: boooooooooooriiiiing!!!

Biden: oh ok

Brokaw: let's talk about polling

Biden: yeppers

Brokaw: Republicans had a massive bounce

Biden: interesting - after our convention we were 8 points ahead and after theirs they were 2 points behind

Brokaw: la la la i can't hear you

Brokaw: can you use hillary to win the lunch bucket states?

Biden: which ones are those?

Brokaw: the non-elitist states

Biden: what's an elitist state?

Brokaw: New York

Biden: yeah upstate NY is all about the snobbery

Brokaw: why not have town halls across America and give gramps McCain all the attention he needs to win

Biden: because it's stupid and we're trying to win

Brokaw: all right i guess we have to talk about the fucking issues

Biden: good

Brokaw: let me quote from Bill O'Reilly

Biden: [ smacks forehead ]

Brokaw: why can't you admit that the surge worked ??

Biden: because it didn't

Brokaw: but it has up to a point

Biden: no

Brokaw: but lindsay graham says it did

Biden: McCain says it didn't

Brokaw: admit it the surge worked!

Biden: no

Brokaw: [ pouts ]

Biden: oh now Tom don't cry

Brokaw: [ sobs ]

Biden: they're doing what Obama suggested 14 months ago!

Brokaw: oh noes!

Biden: they are going to a troop withdrawal timeline for god's sake

Brokaw: Which means the Surge Worked!

Biden: so what do we do now?

Brokaw: More surging?

Biden: criminy

Brokaw: you were in favor of partition

Biden: no i wasn't

Brokaw: i say you were and that you are a bad man

Biden: tell me about Anbar

Brokaw: the elephant?

Biden: moron

Brokaw: admit it we won the war

Biden: McCain wants to nuke iran

Brokaw: admit it nuking iran would work

Biden: gimme a break

Brokaw: 5 years from now will Iraq be peaceful and have a square named after George Bush?

Biden: they may have peace if Obama is President

Brokaw: but Maliki issued a statement through the Pentagon that he loved Bush

Biden: only an idiot would be impressed by that

Brokaw: i loved it

Biden: uh huh

Brokaw: Should we give american housing money to the Chinese

Biden: no

Brokaw: should Bush melt down Michael Phelps' medals to help pay off American debt?

Biden: only as a last resort

Brokaw: Obama is very mean to John McCain about his lobbyists and after all he was a POW

Biden: damm i love those tv ads he can really kick ass

Brokaw: but you are the Senator from MBNA

Biden: that's me

Brokaw: you supported the Bankruptcy bill

Biden: do i get to talk at all

Brokaw: no

Biden: and i thought Russert was tiresome

Brokaw: how did your son nab such a cushy gig

Biden: he went to Yale law school you idiot

Brokaw: hmmmmm

Biden: i supported women and children in that bill

Brokaw: warble warble

Biden: look i'm wearing a flag pin

Brokaw: garble garble

Brokaw: but there are people who don't agree

Biden: 95 senators voted for it dude

Brokaw: but health care causes bankruptcy

Biden: so let's have national health care then

Brokaw: Questions have been raised about your son

Biden: no they haven't

Brokaw: so what kind of reform would you have?

Biden: we would stop guys like dick cheney who had lobbyists actually writing bills!

Brokaw: well that does seem efficient

Brokaw: Cardinal Egan says democracy shouldn't have non-catholic leaders

Biden: well how nice for him - how's that pedophile scandal working for him by the way?

Brokaw: when does life begin?

Biden: i'm in favor of choice and against fascism

Brokaw: but if you think life begins at conception then how can you vote in favor of killing babies

Biden: it's not a vote in favor of killing it's voting against curtailing rights

Brokaw: you just blew my mind

Brokaw: Lieberman says Obama is too young and unqualiifed

Biden: what did he say about Palin

Brokaw: he thinks she's great

Biden: when this election is over i am going to get together with my old buddy and kick his ass

Brokaw: so let's see you do it

Biden: first i have to beat McBush and Palin

[ break ]

Brokaw: you say 9/11 made us all crazy and we lost our way

Friedman: yes we all said stupid shit like “suck on this”

Brokaw: yes we all did that

Friedman: yes we all did and it was terrible

Brokaw: so now what?

Friedman: we need ET to phone home

Brokaw: you are a born-again Greenie

Friedman: i am not nothing if a wind shifter

Brokaw: both parties are equally guilty

Friedman: oh of course

Brokaw: what about ‘drill baby drill’?

Friedman: we have to make being Green popular by targeting dark skinned people

Brokaw: i like it

Friedman: we have to promote carbon offsets

Brokaw: you sound like a liberal

Friedman: oh no!

Brokaw: you would like to be Chinese for a day

Friedman: i would like to know what it's like to live a country with economic growth and citizens who care about democracy

Brokaw: my gas is expensive

Friedman: industries should go “Texas Hold ‘Em” on inventing something new and really green and totally aweome

Brokaw: are you also in favor of curing cancer?

Friedman: ummm..... yes

Brokaw: but both parties are to blame

Friedman: and al gore is fat

Brokaw: yes

Brokaw: is al gore's solution viable?

Friedman: how should i know - he's brilliant and i need my wife to tie my shoelaces

Brokaw: it seems to me that liberals are to blame for everything and Generation Z will have to save us

Friedman: i just realized that George Bush is a short-sighted moron

Brokaw: both parties are to blame for that

Friedman: oh definitely

Brokaw: is global warming real?

Friedman: i have no idea all -- i know i can use it to sell one more stupid cliche ridden pretentious book full of obvious convention wisdom disguised and brilliant commentary with childish acronyms and observations to thrill the dully ignorant pundit set and the self congratulatory award-presenting class

Brokaw: indeed warble warble

The Chris Matthews Show - September 7, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
September 7, 2008

Mitchell: Sarah Palin is the poster child for inclusiveness

Tweety: wow!

Andrea: Obama and McCain will be together at Ground Zero which proves McCain can be non-partisan

Tweety: and what does it show about Obama?

Andrea: that he's a partisan phony

Klein: the convention was an offensive Orwellian nightmare of mooseburgers

Tweety: where was Bush?

Klein: hell they distanced themselves from the Republican party

Tweety: i love it!

Heileman: i heard a rumor than John McCain is a Republican

Tweet: wow do you a newsletter?

Tweety: McCain is the skipper

Andrea: Obama is Gilligan

Norris: Obama has to be a leader and an everyman it's a fine line

Tweety: he's either too street or an elitist

Klein: Obama has to come across as a white human being

Matthews: bomb bomb iran

Tweety: everyone says Obama will get swing voters to let's talk to the one who doesn't - Andrea!

Andrea: John McCain is the best ever!

Klein: oh fer gawd's sake

Tweety: let's talk about Sarah Palin - the mom, the neighbor, the strong female fighting for justice, the PTA

Klein: i love it!

Tweety: she's like a female version of Norma Rae!

Andrea: that's why i love you tweety - you never change

Tweety: who is best person in the history of politics?

Andrea: sarah palin - she fought off the horrible nasty mean terrible liberal bloggers and gave the best speech since the gettysburg address

Klein: yes but she is also stupid

Norris: it's only been 12 days

Klein: A Fortnight of Fuckups

Norris: who cares is he knows where Iran is - she kills moose

Heileman: let's face it McCain is going to die soon

Andrea: she smears with a smile

Tweety: how so

Andrea: she haz lunch-bucket!!!

Klein: but what are her policies?

Mitchell: it doesn't matter she's a hockey mom it's all narrative!

Tweety: biden will be beat her up

Heileman: fuck Biden for calling her sweetie if he ever does

Andrea: i hate Biden for potentially calling her gal or baby or sugartits

Tweety: tell me something I don’t know

Klein: new energy bill is mccain v obama battle

Andrea: Palin will never give an interview it turns out she knows nothing

Heileman: michigan michigan michigan

Tweety: Kwame!

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

GOP Convention Liveblogging Part V - Sept. 2, 2008


President George W Bush: as you know i am sadly
forced to stay far, far, far, away from the RNC due to my duties in doing nothing at all for a Category One storm

crowd: Yaaaaaaaaay!!!!!

George W Bush: hi mom and dad

Bush Senior: oh fuck

Bush: i sit at the Resolute Desk

Crowd: whaaaa?

Bush: i've watched as my incompetence shattered buildings and whole cities

Crowd: clap clap clap

Bush: McCain was offered early checkout from the Hotel he was staying in but he refused to pay lot for his muffler

Crowd: yaaaaaaaay

Bush: Liberals may spit on John McCain and America and break his bones but he will fight back

Crowd: wheeeeee

Bush: John McCain will stand against high spenders in congress if he has to fight all Republicans to do it

Crowd: Yaaaaaaayy!!!

Bush: He Hates Me


Bush: hey

Crowd: fuuuuuuuuuck yoooou

Aide: they're saying booooooo-ush

Bush: to protect America we must spy on Americans, attack random countries, and double down on our failures!!

Crowd: YEAH!!

Bush: and what can i say about Sarah Palin?

Crowd: we don't know

Bush: but enough about how wonderful america is

Crowd: yeaaahh

Bush: McCain has more experience than that african bellhop

Crowd: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Bush: thank you and good night

Crowd: who was that idiot

GOP Convention Liveblogging Part IV - Sept. 2, 2008

Orson Swindle: who am i? why am i here?

Crowd: you're some dude named stockdale

Swindle: punk'd! no i'm not i also shared a room with John Mccain

Crowd: gee what's with all the rotating cell mates

Swindle: ok white medal of honor winner please stand and remain standing

Honor Winner: but i'm old and crippled

Swindle: shut the fuck up whiner

Crowd: USA! USA! USA!

Bobo: damm that Dem convention was so fascist

Swindle: POWs stand and be recognized

Crowd: wheeeee

Swindle: not you Muhammed i mean real POWs like Sly Stallone


Swindle: where's my pudding

Swindle: and please recognize our WWII veterans like rejected President HW Bush

Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaaay

Swindle: father of george w bush

[ c r i c k e t s ]

Swindle: please welcome Heath Ledg- I Laura Bush!!!

Laura Bush: John McCain is a freak! Like me!

Crowd: yaaaaay

Laura: we have a war hero and Palin on the ticker - The Hero and the Zero!!!!

Crowd: yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!

Laura: self hating women make this medieval nightmare of a party strong

Crowd: clap clap

Laura: like that other freak Condi rice

Crowd: yeeeah hawwwwww

Laura: Facts will change, but my Stupid husband never will!!!

Crowd: Yeeeaaaghhhh!!

Joker: Bush destroyed American education on his watch

Crowd: you bet

Joker: and he stroke a blow for disabled by putting an epiletpic on the Court !!!

Crowd: wheeeeeee

Laura: George liberated 50 million people

Crowd: yeaaahh!!

Laura: i mean sperm

Laura: and George Bush kept America safe

Crowd: yay!

Laura: except for teh 7,000 dead Americans

GOP Convention Liveblogging Part III - Sept. 2, 2008

rescue worker: I will never forget responding to that terrible bridge collapse which took place right near here

crowd: oh noes

rescue worker: cars were crushed, wires were down, concrete swayed as human body parts floated around me

crowd: yaaaaay

rescue worker: i have never been more proud of being a republican - knowing that no hard earned tax dollars had been wasted to repair that wretched bridge

crowd: clap clap

rescue worker: which was too black and lazy to stay standing

crowd: amen

worker: i turned to one of the crippled victims and i said thank god tim pawlenty vetoed that bill to fund infrastructure repair - this isn't the soviet union ya know

crowd: wheeeeeeee

worker: and then she died knowing that liberals had not taken her freedom to choose to next time drive another bridge home - free market rulz!!

Crowd: yayyyyy!!!

Hispanic: u may ask yourself why does a brown skinned democrat support a John Mccain when no one else does?

Crowd: yeah

Hispanic: god told me to

Crowd: oh ok

Hispanic: john cleans the yards of hispanics in the barrios of arizona

Crowd: i think you have that backwards pedro

Hispanic: the Gospel of Matteo says embrace the least among you including the weak and broken and pathetic and the real losers and that is why i support john mccain!!!

Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Hispanic: John Mccain will control our uterus and hate the gays!! viva mccain!! heil McCain!!

Crowd: Yeaaaaaaaaahh!!!!

Journalist: you shared a cell with McCain

Colonel: we shared a special love

Journalist: what was he like

Colonel: he was very funny

Journo: how so

Colonel: he told a joke about chelsea clinton that killed

Journo: can you believe it your former lover is going to be the nominee

Colonel: oh he's going to be President - you saw in Saddlebrook he's ready to lead adn to kill

Journalist: tell us somethign about him only you would know

Colonel: he's actually qualified to be President

GOP Convention Liveblogging Part II - Sept. 2, 2008

Mark Shields: McCain choosing Palin was the worst decision since McGovern running with McMurphy

David Books: so she once put metal in the plastic recycling bin so what

Shields: also her insanity

Lehrer: who the fuck chose Quayle

Bobo: this is completely different Quayle embarrassed the HW Bush ticket - Palin is really different

Shields: heh heh let me tell something Palin makes Quayle look like Dwight Fucking Eisenhower

Shields: they have been very smart and put Palin in hiding

Bobo: if she gives a good scripted speech that will prove she has no ethics problems or is not insane

Shields: what is the difference between her and a pit bull?

Bobo: size of the litter?

Ifill: say something nice about McStupid

Kyl: he's tremendously interesting

Ifill: is he really a maverick?

Republican operative: yes he is

Ifill: well that's settled then

Kyl: he is so fucking mavericky

Ifill: wow suddenly i feel so girlishly giddy

Ifill: what makes him so wonderful?

GOP guy: he's is the best human ever

Kyl: i would say it's his maverick-ness

GOP guy: Sarah Palin is a great governor - also she is a maverick

Kyl: that's right also she hates bush

Ifill: wow I am learning SO MUCH hee hee hee

GOP Convention Liveblogging Part I - Sept. 2, 2008

Bachman: jon and sidney mccain adopted a black child

Crowd: oooooohh

Bachman: he was also a not so decent pilot

Crowd: yay

Bachman: barack obama is a selfish coward

Crowd: Yeeaaaah

Bachman: the best way to help people is not to do it

Crowd: wheeee

Bachman: then again we're not heartless bastards after all we need a new generation of soldiers for endless war

Crowd: YAY

Bachman: but let's not forget government should not help people

Crowd: YAY!!!!

Bachman: as Goppers we realize the best charity is keeping your own money and spending it on yachts

Crowd: Wheeeee

Bachman: but the Dems wants to spend your money on black welfare mothers

Crowd: Nooooooooooo

Bachman: we want bloated government to bail out Federal Banks, not Tyra Banks!!!

Crowd: Yaaaaayyy!!!!!

Bachman: thanks and come back to minnesota the land that hairstyles forgot

Crowd: clap clap clap

Dork: cindy mccain travels the world buying children for her white friends in arizona

Crowd: yayyyy

Dork: she does this so the Republican party can have a splash of color at their annual conventions

Crowd: Yaaaaaaay

Dork: i know this seems like the hard way but that's how selfless cindy is

Crowd: woooohoooo

Dork: was she high when she did this - i don't know

Crowd: hmmmmmmmmmm

Dork: but at least she gave them normal american names not like Barack or Twig or Long Jump

Nicky: oh my fucking god this has got to be MOST embarrassing moment of my life

Dork: hey at least you're not Bristol

Nicky: oh christ why me

Monday, September 01, 2008

60 Minutes - with Barack Obama and Joe Biden

60 Minutes
Senator Barack Obama and Senator Joe Biden
August 31, 2008

Kroft: wow more Americans saw the Dems party down than the saw the Olympics

Obama: i rule!

Kroft: did you ever doubt you would be the nominee

Obama: of course i'm a black guy named Obama

Biden: i though i was good - but he's like Zeus he grabbed the lightning

Obama: i always thought i was more like Apollo but okay

Kroft: what do you think of Palin

Obama: she's a fisher of men but she seems like a wingnut

Kroft: she has no experience

Obama: really i hadn't noticed

Kroft: she's a blue collar hunter with a son in Iraq

Obama: dood what about the issues

Kroft: never heard of 'em

Obama: Biden is a blue collar dood as well

Biden: who cares - it only matters what you're going to do as President

Kroft: you drink wine and do elitist shit like basketball

Obama: now hold on i drink a six pack every night

Kroft: but you were reduced to bowling

Obama: wait a minutes I wasn't there to get votes i was there to campaign

Kroft: so why hire Biden?

Obama: because he doesn't bite his tongue - i checked

Kroft: you disagreed on Iraq

Biden: but I was wrong -- i thought Bush meant it when he said he didn't want war and Obama knew better

Kroft: so did my cocker spaniel

Dog: arf arf wmd!!

Kroft: you are a plagiarist

Biden: yeah i failed to footnote a quote in a debate 20 years ago

Kroft: dealbreaker dood

Obama: he's likeable enough

Kroft: what role will Biden play in your government

Biden: I will give him the white male's perspective

Kroft: what will you do in the campaign

Biden: i will help him carry Wilmington

Kroft: ah

Biden: hey boss listen to this

Obama: [ beams ]

Kroft: they say you're soft and weak

Obama: ah yes hmmm so I've heard - one wonders how i ever got to the senate from fucking Chicago and defeated the Clinton machine

Kroft: hey you're black

Obama: yes i know

Kroft: are you going be the black president

Obama: i am going to be a black president not the black president

Kroft: how can you represent white people?

Obama: i will deliver health care and economic growth and equality and that's good for whites and blacks and asians and the other races too

Kroft: why don't you have a 30 point lead?

Obama: dood the last 2 elections were ties stolen the GOP -- we all know the Republicans can't govern but they can scare people we're gonna have to fight but we will win

Kroft: okay then


60 Minutes - with Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan

60 Minutes
Interview with Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan
August 31, 2008
Pelley: Americans killed 4 generations of one family including a little baby

Military: Ooops

Pelley: there was one hour of sustained mortar fire followed by an airstrike of 2,000 pound bombs on houses made of mud

Afghans: this is worse than the Russians

Pelley: you cannot be saying that the Soviets were worse

Afghans: yes we are

Pelley: voice over - of course that isn't true but they say that

Pelley: what's up Hamid

Karzai: they keep bombing our villages and we don't like it so much

Pelley: did you tell that to Stupid

Karzai: yes and he has completely ignored me

Pelley: so

Karzai: so I am doing this interview

Pelley: wow look at this high tech shit why are you showing me all this secret stuff

Army: because we are desperate to repair our image

Expert: the army does the math how many civilians you are allowed to kill

Pelley: what's the limit

Expert: i could kill 30 people on my own after that i need a permission slip

Pelley: i was blown away by how we avoid killing innocent people

Expert: see we're good guys

Pelley: except for all the childen killed

Expert: teh Taliban is violating international law!

Pelley: oh well ok then

Pelley: so no real harm done

Expert: but when we kill a whole family we may drive people to hate America and join the Taliban

Pelley: gee that's a crazy idea

Hamid: hey the americans made a mistake it happens

Pelley: so what now

Hamid: i beg the americans to stop killing little children

Pelley: good luck with that

Maria Bartiromo interview with Sarah Palin - August 31, 2008

Wall Street Journal Report with Maria Bartiromo
Guest: Gov. Sarah Palin
August 31, 2008

Bartiromo: Do you want to be vice president?

Palin: well i rule a large and sprawling empire now so i don't know - it might be a step down

Bartiromo: so how do you decide?

Palin: i'm a mom and my 19 year-old son is going to Iraq in a war over oil which he wouldn't have to do if we drilled in in ANWR

Bartiromo: So why can't we fucking drill in ANWR already!!!!

Palin: oh people see the moose and bears on tv but that's not ANWR - it's really a very ugly place

Bartiromo: If ANWR is so small why not drill somewhere else?

Palin: hey we are at war over taking Saddam's oil - we've GOT to drill there here and everywhere

Bartiromo: sounds great!

Palin: wait there's more! the caribou love the pipeline - if Biden had his way the caribous would have no where to masturbate

artiromo: people accuse you of wanting to drill drill drill

Palin: well i do want to drill drill drill drill

Bartiromo: what else

Palin: we really need wind solar and geothermal

Bartiromo: mostly dems want to do that

Palin: well then that's very naïve

Meet The Press with Gov. Tim Pawlenty - August 31, 2008

Meet The Press
August 31, 2008
Guest: Gov. Tim Pawlenty

Brokaw: welcome to the son of Governor Pawlenty

Gov. Pawlenty: no i'm actually the governor

Brokaw: really?

Pawlenty: yep

Brokaw: Bush will not be attending the convention

Pawlenty: of course it would not make sense for a very unpopular President to attend in the middle of a hurricane

Brokaw: we can stipulate that Palin's a down-home regular person who's only knowledge of foreign policy is Russian fish and will be less than a heartbeat from the presidency

Pawlenty: we have a person as a potential Vice President who is a governor and very very well qualified

Brokaw: Palin isn't that good

Pawlenty: Tom I was talking about myself

Pawlenty: Palin is better than Obama after all she's white and an ovary-american

Brokaw: C'mon she's a fucking zero

Pawlenty: there are lots of idiot americans who have never done anything - shouldn't they have representation too??

Brokaw: McCain put his short-term interests ahead of the nation

Pawlenty: well that's his right

Brokaw: her own mother in law is voting for Obama

Pawlenty: Obama just graduated from college!!

Brokaw: not exactly

Pawlenty: hey Alaska is a very big place and she has guts and grit she Commanded the National Guard in the effort to wipe out the Polar Bear

Pawlenty: Male Hillary supporters are going to vote for McCain because of Palin and her hockey-mom-ness

Brokaw: with all due respect Governor i never heard a bigger pile of bullshit in my life

Pawlenty: hey if i was any good at this McCain would have chosen me

Brokaw: Abortion?

Pawlenty: Obama never gets asked about fetuses

Brokaw: he was last week liar

Pawlenty: oh well la la la la

Brokaw: She's a creationist wacko

Pawlenty: in terms of science it's not credible but why not teach it alongside evolution -- why not have the truth and myth and let the kids decide what is true?

Brokaw: I'm confused

Pawlenty: in my state we teach algebra and that 2 + 2 = 5 -- you know, both sides

Brokaw: The Economist says McCain is a fucking crazy

Pawlenty: no he's a Mavericky Maverick ask anyone

Brokaw: i'm asking you

Pawlenty: Maverick

Brokaw: anything else?

Pawlenty: Fuck John McCain for not choosing me

Brokaw: whoa

Pawlenty: oh that was a freudian slip i meant to say 'Maverick' and that slipped out

[ break [

Brokaw: kelly love yer pearls

Kelly O'Donnell: potential positive in a major hurricane destroying an american city is that McCain has a good excuse for making Bush stay away - also this can show how McCain will react to a crisis - aside from a eating a birthday cake of course

Brokaw: Doris give me your historical perspective on Norah Palin

Doris Goodwin: Sarah

Brokaw: whatever - who is she - we know she shot a moose

Goodwin: 1 out of 3 VPs become President and let's face it with McCain those odds are higher

Tom: wow

Goodwin: he's had a year to make this decision and for god's sake he's comes up with small town mayor??

Goodwin: i get it why he chosen but hunting and fishing is not a top qualification for being President in teh 21st century

Mike Murphy: first she helps with the looney base, and it reinforces the Maverickyness, but it does indicate he doesn't care about experience

Tom: after all Obama is the nominee not Biden or Michael Palin

Andrea Mitchell: she mentioned Hillary and Ferraro in her speech and got booed

Brokaw: well that went well

Andrea: she not only wants to stop everyone to have an abortion she is even willing to not have one too

Tom: wow how brave to be willing to force your beliefs on everyone else

Mitchell: it's a fascinating choice - it indicates that McCain is off his fucking rocker and has contempt for the American people

Baritromo: We must drill in Alaska Tom!!

Tom: ok mary cool it

Bartiromo: it's maria

Tom: that's what i said

Bartiromo: dammit the moose and bears and wolves love the pipeline they rub up against and have sex with it

Tom: home foreclosures and health care!

Maria: she says the Republican party has the advantage there

Tom: um was there a lack of oxygen during your interview

Maria: she showed me the places where they want to drill and it looked fine to me

Tom: is that all

Maria: no my taxi driver said she is great and she gave up a private chef

Tom: wow

Maria: i was very impressed with her knowledge of the need to drill and create jobs in Alaska

Gregory: he did this to make a grab for independents - i think it will work

Murphy: i don't believe in Pumas

Gregory: bite me

Murphy: she will help with gun owning blue collar nuts but not with wine drinking snobs

Brokaw: she has a very winning way about her

Goodwin: you mean she's hot

Brokaw: ayup

Gregory: she went into labor and boarded a plane - this is really cool!!

Brokaw: so of course she should be leader of the free world

Mitchell: right - they were going to chose Lieberman until they realized everybody in America hates him

Murphy: i want lukewarm independents not goldwater loonies

Brokaw: which is she?

Murphy: she's anti corruption creationist - she's both

Brokaw: let's talk about her looks some more

Gregory: she's proves that Obama is out of touch with the moose-killing American

Mitchell: Obama didn't pay for his promises!!

Brokaw: c'mon it was a great speech

Mitchell: it scared McCain so much he reached for some Alaska beauty queen

Brokaw: experience is off the table

Murphy: right now it's all about taxes taxes taxes

Brokaw: what else

Murphy: they will run on fear of Pelosi

Mitchell: the dems need to trot out Hillary again to counteract the force of Palin

Brokaw: omg she will never go away will she

Brokaw: Fred Barnes said she is not a feminist - is she a feminist??

Maria: no she is not

Audience: she is head of Feminists for Life

Maria: i thought she was so cute - she called her husband the "First Dude"

Maria: her husband is an oil guy with British Petroleum that will be play well with 'the masses'

Brokaw: Maria you are very condescending to a fictional group of imaginary lunch bucket blue collar folk

Maria: i'm sorry

Brokaw: no it's good that's the Tim Russert way - you will now be invited on the show every week

Maria: yay

The Chris Matthews Show - August 31, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
August 31, 2008

Matthews: omg sarah palin is a reformer with ovaries!!!

Matthews Meter: she's great!

Fineman: i love her she's outside of the box and bold -- no one would have predicted he would pick an unqualified lunatic

Tweety: she's got no experience

O'Donnell: not true - she got a passport in 2007 - she's a rising star hockey mom why shouldn't she run the free world?


Matthews: Why her?

Bumiller: Palin has more foreign policy experience than Pawlenty - after all she once fished in Russian waters

Tweety: what else?

fineman: she's not a closted gay republican

Matthews: wow that's hard to find

O'Donnell: Palin also brought big money

Page: all the black men in Chicago are huggin each other

Bumiller: Lindsay Graham pushed Lieberman hard hard hard

Tweety: ewww

O'Donnell: McCain has a anger judgment problem

Page: the msm is covering up the fact that he is an asshole

Bumiller: McCain once told me to fuck off but it was was my fault i didn't have dinner ready when he came home

Fineman: Obama is like an inner city dude calling McCain out to the playground and face him like a man

Tweety: He's Russell Crowe to McCain's Commodus

Audience: a hero will rise