Saturday, September 27, 2008

Presidential Debate - Ole Miss - September 26, 2008

Presidential Debate
Senator Barack Obama
Senator John McCain
Host: Jim Lehrer
University of Mississippi
September 26, 2008

Lehrer: first question is an easy one - at this moment where are you standing?

Obama: i'm standing at Ole Miss dude

Lehrer: right

Obama: I know all of you are thinking how does this bailout plan affect Barack Obama's ability to send his kid to college

Audience: oh yeah

Obama: we have to do it but no golden parachutes - only platinum

Audience: yay

Obama: but let's remember this bailout is a verdict of ‘Guilty’ on conservatism - let's face it - it sucks

McCain: thank you to the University I almost blew off and also my dear friend Ted Kennedy

Audience: didn't he endorse Obama?

McCain: i like it when people get together and Main street failed and will lose their credits and i remember the depression - oh i forgot i like it when people get together also the house republicans were or rather now are part of teh solution - foreign oil [ cough ]

Lehrer: what the hell was that

Obama: let's remember we handed the keys of this county to Phil Gramm and Tom Delay - are you happy now America?

Lehrer: Bailout plan - yes or no

McCain: i hope to vote for it

Lehrer: yes or no?

McCain: yeah why not

McCain: speaking of Eisenhower the answer to our financial problems is to write crazy-ass letters and old timey stories

Obama: oh for god's sake old man you know as well as I do the Republican party tried to repeal the fucking law of gravity

Lehrer: face him and say it

Obama: he scares the shit out of me

McCain: the Wall Street and the Google and the regulators are to blame but goddam the underpaid uninsured american worker will pick up the burden and pay off goldman sach's debt

Lehrer: i can't believe one of you will actually be President

McCain: spending! Eisenhower! Saving Private Ryan! Gateway drugs!

Obama: jesus Christ

McCain: him to

Lehrer: how will you fix America?

McCain: i will veto every spending bill that crosses my desk

Audience: except for the trillion dollar bailout

McCain: right

McCain: we spent a million dollars to find out which children the Chicago Bears fathered

Obama: hey that was an important bill

Obama: there you go again - whine about earmarks while the GOP hands billions to the rich - not this time rictus

McCain: i am outraged that the Republican party is corrupt

Obama: he got that right

McCain: he is a big spending liberal-

Obama: all right i've heard enough from you gramps - you bet i'm spending money health care but basically he's a liar

McCain: the fuckin drunken irish are beating us but the real point is you will be appalled at all the corruption at the longtime Republican party -- which is why you must reject the young Democrat and elect the elderly Republican

Audience: makes sense to me

Obama: John John John

McCain: who? what?

Obama: he wants to keep the loopholes and intends to tax health benefits

McCain: damm i thought he didn't know about that one

Lehrer: John do you want to tax health care?

McCain: energy bill!

Obama: i swear i will cut you open like a motherfuckin fish old man

McCain: he’s a big spender

Obama: fucking liar

McCain: heh heh heh you support big oil

Obama: why don't you go drill offshore you senile fuck

Lehrer: where the hell are we going to come up with 1.2 trillion dollars??

Obama: we are going to have inflate A LOT of tires

Audience: okey dokey

Obama: also more americans will have to die and then we can collect estate taxes

Audience: oh no

Obama: fortunately we have the worst health care system in the world

Audience: oh good

McCain: where was i?

Leher: what?

McCain: Cost plus contracts!

Lehrer: huh?

McCain: ethanol

Obama: [ drinks ethanol ]

Lehrer: that's poisonous

Obama: i've spent the last 5 years building up an immunity to ethanol

Audience: wow

McCain: he's the most liberal senator ever

Obama: yes if by that you mean I oppose George W Bush at evey turn

McCain: can i talk

Lehrer: no

McCain: [ waves rake ]

spending freeze!

Obama: oh for god's sake why would hire a rake wielding grampy when you can hire Tiger Woods with an IQ of 210

Leher: will you be president?

McCain: you can't get there from here

Lehrer: all right you two will you please admit you can't keep your promises when the money is all gone

Obama: dood since you seem to be obsessed with this sure whatever

McCain: [ yells at cloud ]

Lehrer: Obama just take Matlock’s time

Obama: look we're going to have to make some tough choices

McCain: probably enacting a right wing agenda is the way to go so just cut taxes cut regulations and cut waste

Lehrer: yeah nobody ever promises to cut waste

Obama: um hey Abe you voted for Bush's budgets or maybe your forgot

McCain: i was not voted Miss Congeniality i voted Most Likely to Die During a Presidential Campaign

Lehrer: what is the lesson of Iraq

McCain: you cannot have a fight without a plan and with strategy

Audience: huh

McCain: we will come home with victory and with honor and we have created our own little colony

Audience: bullshit

McCain: Petraeus! Troops! I have five fingers!

Obama: motherfucker i opposed this disaster when it was risky to do - we took our eye off the ball and spent a trillion dollars and Osama is still free to hit America the lesson is -- Elect Me

McCain: it doesn't matter why we got in it matters that hasn't met with the leaders of the senate subcommitte on Natos

Obama: i am now going filet this old man like a chicken on mardi gras

Obama: you were wrong about sunni and shia and you were wrong about the war and you were wrong about weapons of mass destruction

McCain: but but but

Obama: [ waves finger ] shut the fuck up crazy

McCain: [ whining ] senator obama cut off funds for our little troops

Obama: I'm trying, grampy, I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd

Obama: look Osama bin Laden and Petraeus agree

Lehrer: let's talk Afghanistan

Obama: jesus christ we're being attacked in Afghanitan and the taliban and we're losing and there was no al qaeda and nothing to do with 9/11 and that my friend john is a fucking failure of strategy

McCain: but-

Obama: and we have to deal with Poppy and Barbara and jenna and the other one

McCain: let me talk about something that happened 25 years ago

Audience: booooooring

McCain: look we all know Obama is right that we have do certain things in Pakistan if you know what i mean but you don't say it out loud you whisper it

Obama: what do you know?

McCain: i was married to Alexander the Great's niece and the jihadist elements are sending me secret messages by bombing marriot courtyards around world

Obama: he's sundowning

Obama: goddamit I'm motherfucking TNT and I'm gonna take Osama bin Laden out even if he is in fuckin Pakistan

McCain: look i was afraid in 1983 and I would like to talk about Lebanon and Bosnia and Iraq

Obama: [ yawn ]

McCain: and Kosovo and Somalia and

Lehrer: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

McCain: a woman told me to wear a bracelet and i said ok

Audience: ok

McCain: and that means thousands more Americans have to die and spend a trillion dollars

Audience: not following

McCain: we must stay because I still am dealing with issues from a war from 40 years ago

Obama: holy fuck this is just sad

[ shoots three pointer ]

Obama: this old guy said we could muddle through Afghanistan what a loser

McCain: look the point is he hates America

Lehrer: anything else

McCain: he doesn't care about my psychological problems

Lehrer: Iran?

McCain: if Iran gets nukes it will threaten Israel and also the other little countries will want their own bomb and then Alabama will want one

Obama: oh no

McCain: together with the French we can form a super League of Democracies and threaten to take away Iran's wine and cheese and all the gays there will overthrow the lousy government

Obama: what's ironic here is that Matlock doesn't get the big picture he just lurches from issue to issue to like a doddering villain from a grade b movie

Audience: oooh

Obama: hey shithead Russia isn't just going to help you out since you practically declared war on them last month

McCain: see if Obama meets with him it will legitimize Ahmedinejad's illegal behavior and I know for a fact that he jaywalks in New York all the time

Obama: i'm not inviting them to Sylvia's for no motherfuckin iced tea!!

McCain: heh heh

Obama: criminy Kissinger wants to meet with Iran and then we cut off ties to North Korea even though they joined the Axis of Evil and paid their dues and everything

McCain: heh heh

Obama: fer god's sake he wants to make war on Spain. Spain!!

Audience: game. set. match.

McCain: [ sarcastic voice ] Kissinger will vouch for me!!

Obama: oh fuck off ya senile loon

McCain: Obama’s favorite dear leader met with Madeline Albright and by the war the South Korean beach volleyball team is a real threat

Obama: didn't i see you in the texas chainsaw massacre?

Lehrer: Russia!

Obama: i'v lead on this issue in a reasonable manner like in loose nuke but frankly i'd like to hear Crazy's answer cause I guar-damm-tee this will be fun

McCain: he's naive holy shit Russia invaded another country in Georgia i stared into Putin's eyes and i saw a K and a G and a B

Lehrer: what medications were you on

McCain: it was all about the pipeline

Obama: which proves my point

McCain: hey i was married to a lovely Tiblisi woman for 30 years in the 19th Century

McCain: i was in Georgia and some of the Ossetians want to be Russian

Obama: proving my point

McCain: watch Ukraine you can't win Risk without it

Obama: criminy ya loon the reason there was a poster of Putin there is that there is a breakaway province there

McCain: petrodollars!

Obama: is that the new currency?

Obama: winter is coming

McCain: nuke processing and storing

Audience: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Obama: no no no

McCain: nunn lugar!

Audience: Zzzzzzzz

Obama: i love nuclear waste

McCain: i bathe in that shit

Lehrer: 9/11 safe or no

McCain: we are safer than we were on Sept. 12

Obama: well duh they were all dead

McCain: joe lieberman. bipartisan. reaching across the aisle. all that shit.

Obama: he's a fountain of cliches

McCain: we had the best reorganization of government ever

Lehrer: god you're dull

Obama: the biggest threat we face is not a nuclear bomb it's Joe Lieberman and we are spending billions on missile defense and yet this man still roams free

[ Hillary at home, swilling scotch:

fuck this shit bill i would clean both their clocks

bill: i know hill i know

Hill: oh fuck you too

[ drinks ]

McCain: Obama doesn't get it it it's all very psychological see al qeada has seen all the vietnam movies and the Red Dawn and they are just waiting to invade America but it's all psychological and the central issue of our time is trying to finally drive out the demons of Nam and getting over the post traumatic stress from my imprisonment there

Obama: why don't you join me in the 21st century you myopic head case

[Hillary: refill my glass bubba

bill: yes dear

Hill: now goddammit ]

McCain: look i've been involved in every war since 1812 and Obama is just like George Bush

Obama: [ laughs ]

McCain: i love our little soliders and i will take care of them especially at night when the darkness comes

Obama: I am Kenyan and from the 21st century and i will improve relations with the world

McCain: it is vital that you elect me so we can finally deal with my psychological issues from Vietnam

Obama: dood. just... dood.

Lehrer: good night

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"McCain: watch Ukraine you can't win Risk without it"

Laughed through most of it, but that almost made me fall out of my chair.