Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Meet The Press
Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson
Mayor Mike Bloomberg
September 21, 2008

Tom Brokaw: thanks for coming Chancellor this is economy is worst thing since Rome fell to the barbarians

Henry Paulson: hey as a conservative i don't like bailouts but we have to do this

Brokaw: why

Paulson: crazy irresponsible businessmen drove cadillacs and were on financial crack and now they need welfare

Brokaw: mighty white of them

Paulson: it's very complex with tranches and risk and illiquid stuff

Brokaw: blah blah blah

Brokaw: Shelby says you are a crazy generous hair on fire dood

Paulson: do i look crazy to you?

Brokaw: frankly you look like a villain from a James Bond movie

Paulson: [ pets fluffy white cat ]

Brokaw: how much will this cost

Paulson: who can say - whatever my peeps at the Congressional Country Club need

Brokaw: oh ok

Paulson: when companies can't borrow money everyone suffers

Brokaw: I'm sure

Paulson: don't look at the Dow we need to look at getting people to borrow even more money!

Brokaw: is McCain a total idiot or a complete idiot?

Paulson: look we can make the American people work this debt off if we have to

Brokaw: should we appoint Bloomberg or Buffet to take over America?

Paulson: we are preventing failure

Brokaw: like hiring the iceberg to prevent more failure aboard the Titanic

Brokaw: Hank Greenberg says he can save AIG for a mere $20 billion

Paulson: oh is that all

Brokaw: Lehman sank but you bought AIG - why?

Paulson: AIG has better commercials

Brokaw: Hank Greenberg says he could have saved all by himself

Paulson: they were a few hours away from bankruptcy where was Hank then?

Brokaw: golf course?

Paulson: looks it's simple - AIG is too incompetent to fail

Brokaw: sounds like you're really looking after the taxpayer

Brokaw: the farmers can't get any money!

Paulson: that is why i need superpowers

Brokaw: like what - to fly or invisibility or what?

Paulson: the power to create money from nothing

Brokaw: now that's a cool power

Paulson: it pains me to ding the taxpayer but we need to dip in their pocket one more time -- but it was either than or my buddies lose the lease on their mercedes and the trickle down from that would be catastrophic

Brokaw: warble warble

[ Break ]

Brokaw: you are in a three way as rich mayor newsy guy

Mike Bloomberg: Paulson is awesome but there a two problems - one is fear

Brokaw: i'm terrified

Bloomberg: the other one is deserted homes are blighting nice neighborhoods - also american schools suck

[ break ]

Brokaw: can we please have a fail safe system

Bloomberg: no

Brokaw: why does our government always rush into stupid decisions?

Bloomberg: hey look risk is alot of fun but the real problem is the Republicans are fucking insane

Brokaw: i've noticed that

Bloomberg: we need one world government with one man to above all!

Brokaw: like who

Bloomberg: [ smiles modestly ]

Bloomberg: the problem is instant gratification

Brokaw: i moved to new york city from south dakota and i thought it was very scary

Bloomberg: don't worry about it - people will do without a few things but Yankee stadium will get built!

Brokaw: i'm relieved

Brokaw: Do you want a third term?

Bloomberg: i want to host Meet The Press

Brokaw: nice joke

Bloomberg: i'm not joking dude

[ hands him a $100 million check ]

Brokaw: you say we have a selfish 'i want it all and i want it now' culture

Bloomberg: we are all Veruca Salt now

Brokaw: will you save America

Bloomberg: in all modesty sure why not - i would deign to do that

Brokaw: is America fucked

Bloomberg: well we have a great work ethic and democracy and we fight but that makes us strong

Brokaw: fucked - yes or no?

Bloomberg: oh yeah definitely we're absolutely fucked

Brokaw: are we all socialists now?

Bloomberg: no one knows what the hell these crazy-ass companies do except that they have us by the short hairs

Brokaw: things were great for a while

Bloomberg: what goes up must comes down

Brokaw: what lesson can we learn

Bloomberg: dems have to learn that business is good and Republicans must learn that having gold plated showers borrowed from poor people looks bad

Brokaw: indeed platinum is good enough

Bloomberg: we're being passed in good government by Lethoso and Haiti

Brokaw: but the lipstick!

Bloomberg: uh huh

Brokaw: bailouts good or bad?

Bloomberg: i was pleased that bear stearns and lehman were crushed like the devils they are

Brokaw: you worked at Lehman

Bloomberg: no no Solomon Bros - crush the enemy!

Brokaw: who's to blame?

Bloomberg: all of us who got free mortgages

Brokaw: yes all us

Bloomberg: we all got carried away - c'est la vie

Brokaw: McCain says he is the change guy

Bloomberg: oh sure he is

Brokaw: what do the candidates have to do

Bloomberg: solve problems that can't be solved

Brokaw: and bowl

Bloomberg: i said hey ‘Barack dood American is failing why the hell do you want this thanksless job’??

Brokaw: bailout GM?

Bloomberg: we should not bailout industries and instead bailout people

Brokaw: paying taxes is patriotic?

Bloomberg: as a rich man i hate taxes but as a mayor i like them

Brokaw: who will you be voting for in the election?

Bloomberg: ah but I represent New York City so i want someone who gets urban problems

Brokaw: so either the liberal black city community organizer who went to Columbia or the right wing wizened old man from Arizona

Bloomberg: you can see why I can't make up my mind

[ break ]

Burnett: Paulson wants a bailout and Dems want to help people

Liesman: the US government is buying real estate with NO MONEY DOWN!

Brokaw: that sounds great

Liesman: they are just going to hand wall street guys $100 million cash and say "go play!"

Brokaw: is there any downside to this?

Liesman: no hire a crook to manage the money stolen by a crook

Brokaw: the crooks are getting rich!

Pearlstein: sure they took ten million dollars for failing but the economy is worth trillions

Brokaw: so the thieves get away with it?

Pearlstein: let's not bicker about who stole what

Brokaw: you're kidding

Pearlstein: everyone was doing it and we are as much to blame as the crooks

Brokaw: they risked nothing

Pearlstein: the grown-ups weren't around

Liesman: no one could have anticipated that slick MBAs would be unethical weasels

Pearlstein: the real economy could suffer due to the bad fake economy

Liesman: this is a banner day for socialism

Brokaw: [ sings Internationale ]

Burnett: beautiful financial anchors will do well in the new economy

Brokaw: we can all agree Obama and McCain did not solve this problem this week and that's bad

Liesman: who cares about them - i care about my money

Burnett: we need a king - preferably one old white guy based in Washington DC

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