Sunday, March 29, 2009

Face The Nation with Barack Obama - March 29, 2009

Face The Nation
March 29, 2009
Guest: President Barack Obama
Schieffer: the economy is clearly the most important thing right now - are we invading in Pakistan?

Obama: let me put it this way - i don't want to but i will

Schieffer: that sounds awesome

Obama: we have to get the people of Pakistan
on our side

Schieffer: what's your message to the people
of that nation?

Obama: we want to be your friend - so make war on the radical muslims or we will bomb you

Schieffer: isn't Pakistan a muslim nation?

Obama: that's why we also have a diplomatic approach

Schiffer: what's that?

Obama: sending them food, doctors, engineers
and 100 million bibles

Schieffer: but what if it doesn't work?

Obama: i know Bush failed but this is different

Schieffer: how so?

Obama: ‘cause I'm the President motherfucker

Schieffer: what about Afghanistan?

Obama: we are going to pour resources in there
- but not too many

Schieffer: so if we don’t succeed are you going send tens of thousands of more troops?

Obama: no I will declare failure and go home

Schiffer: how do we win there?

Obama: foreign aid and not just
military spending

Schiffer: can we leave Iraq now?

Obama: what are you kidding - no way

Schieffer: Mexico is getting crazy

Obama: well we’re sending them a shitload
of guns

Schieffer: so should we invade Mexico?

Obama: well let’s hold off on that decision til next month

Schieffer: should we bail out the U.S. auto industry?

Obama: maybe - but they have to promise not to
be such total fucktards

Schieffer: where’s my middle class tax cut??

Obama: it’s already in the stimulus bill for the next two years - just like I promised

Schieffer: really - that’s not the what the Republican
party told me to say

Obama: well Bobster maybe you should pay more attention

Schieffer: I want to ask you about the bonsuses

Obama: so ask me grandpa

Schieffer: the anger at AIG bonuses was terrible
- don’t you agree?

Obama: no I don’t Bobby

Schieffer: but but but the poor executives

Obama: fuck em

Schieffer: grrrrrrrrrr

Obama: However I am focused on recovering the whole U.S. economy

Schieffer: did you read the bankers the riot act?

Obama: I told them had working single moms are paying their bonuses so they should show a little fucking restraint

Schieffer: what did they say

Obama: they said ok - from now only $10,000 wastebaskets

Schiffer: are you like Thomas Jefferson - a guy who hates being President?

Obama: Hell to the no! I love being a consequential President!

Schiffer: Really

Obama: It’s Obama’s nation now - you all just live in it!

Schiffer: awesome

Obama: [ high fives Schieffer ]

Meet The Press with John McCain - March 29, 2009

March 29, 2009
Guest: Sen. John McCain
Gregory: what do you think of Timmy Geithner?

McCain: I like his plan and I really really want it to work unlike Rush Limbaugh however I also want to say “Generational Theft!”

Gregory: oh c’mon I brought you on to bash Obama!

McCain: I’m not an expert - I’m just a humble senile former POW

Gregory: true

McCain: but the government was very confused

Gregory: you’re calling *someone else* confused?

McCain: we need a special committee to find out why stocks don’t always go up

Gregory: did the Obama have too much outrage or not enough?

McCain: he wasn’t angry enough but also Bills of Attainder are bad

Gregory: that’s catchy - I’m amazed you weren’t elected President

Gregory: whisper sweet bipartisan nothings into my ear

McCain: Pelosi and Obama are acting like the Democrats won the election!

Gregory: do Republicans have any ideas at all?

McCain: we will someday - but in fairness Obama could have resigned and let me be President

Gregory: did Obama break his promise to govern as a Republican?

McCain: I dunno - but he’s mean to me

Gregory: Saint McCain you hate earmarks

McCain: I do

Gregory: President Obama lied!

McCain: Earmarks! Generation Theft! Healthcare! Pig Odor!!

Gregory: you seem upset

McCain: it’s all corruption - look at all the Republicans in prison!

Gregory: Truly Obama has failed

Gregory: you were bashed for saying the fundamentals are sound - wasn’t that very unfair to you?

McCain: to answer your challenging question - yes

Gregory: sir I demand you bash Obama’s big spending and raising taxes

McCain: ok - we must put our fiscal house in order

Gregory: truly you are brave

McCain: the Chinese are going force us to adopt their currency!

Gregory: wow that’s scary

McCain: I know!

Gregory: Obama says the GOP are total hypocrites

McCain: we need less spending now that a Democrat is President

Gregory: you’re wonderful - let me see the GOP budget

McCain: we’re working on it

Gregory: should we go into Afghanistan?

McCain: the best way to get out of Afghanistan fast is to double the number of troops there immediately

Gregory: what else?

McCain: tell the people a lot of American blood will be spilled

Gregory: what is victory there?

McCain: same as Iraq - a functioning puppet government that crushes it’s internal enemies

Gregory: Should we attack Pakistan?

McCain: yes also Iran, Syria and Alaska

Gregory: but Pakistan has nukes

McCain: that’s right - we can take ‘em for own our use!

Gregory: Should we invade Mexico?

McCain: Sure - Phoenix is now the kidnapping capital of the world

Gregory: ummmm…. What?

McCain: we should sent our best officials to solve this problem

Gregory: who?

McCain: Matlock

Gregory: how can my Republican party recover?

McCain: reach out to all those brown people and let a thousand flowers bloom

Gregory: what about new ideas?

McCain: more pudding!

Gregory: who are the future leaders of GOP party?

McCain: Palin, Jindal, and Pawlenty

Gregory: dear god

Gregory: will you support Sarah Palin for President?

McCain: I wish that crazy-ass weirdo and her dysfunctional family well

Gregory: my goal as host of Meet the Press is to replace the current record holder for appearances on the show who is an elderly Republican U.S. Senator with an elderly Republican U.S. Senator.

Audience: Truly you are ground-breaker Dancin Dave

The Chris Matthews Show

March 29, 2009

Matthews: OMG people don't hate Obama!!

Ignatius: Preznit Obama! Save us! Deliver us from ourselves!!

Matthews: but I'm amazed that people don't hate him!

Norah: true but he will fail soon enough

Kelly: Dems needs to answer to constituents and that means acting like Republicans

Sully: jesus Kelly the Republicans failed!!

Kelly: but they're the daddy party!

Sully: bullshit

Norah: the ConservaDems shredded Obama's budget!!

Matthews: explain it to me Noron

Norah: me no understand

Kelly: Obama is speaking to the enemy

Chris: the Taliban, North Korea, Hamas?

Kelly: Evan Bayh

Ignatius: Obama must crush all opposition

Sully: he must thrust forward again and again

Tweety: i love it!

Bayh: i have no testicles

Tweety: ha!

Sullly: no one can resist the handsome black man

Matthews: i know!

Kelly: i'm not so sure

Noron: he got one million dollars!

Sully: no one it's one hundred million

Matthews: he's a hard leader

Matthews: OMG we have to crush Afghanistan and Pakistan!!

Ignatius: he's narrowing the mission to taking away Al Qaeda's frequent flying tickets

Norah: it's deadly and getting worse

Tweety: we're getting in deep so we should stay and leave

Tweety: it's Vietnam!!

Kelly: Afghanistan is like baseball it has a spring training season

Sully: Obama is going to use Iran as his starting pitchers
Matthews: did he just defer to the brass

Ignatius: no he let Hillary and Petraeus fight it out and the winner got to decide policy

Tweety: wow who won?

Ignatius: Hillary kicked his ass

Tweety: this was always Obama's policy

Tweety: sullivan predict the future for me

Sully: I'm a gay brit with a beard not Karnack

Norah: Obama is going to attack Pakistan!

Ignatius: Iran is going to attack us!

Matthews: oh noe!

Kelly: Congress wants to hire an outside consultant to cut entitlements

Tweety: wow! that can't fail!

Sully: Iowa is going to legalize gay marriage which proves Republicans are right to argue for states' right

Matthews: ha! You're priceless!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

President Obama Press Conference - March 24, 2009

President Barack Obama Press Conference
White House
March 24, 2009
Obama: I want to remind people that it took George Bush years to fuck up America and it will take me time to fix it

Now first I threw a trillion dollars at you to build bridges and energy efficient Windows and Macs

Also I lowered interest rates to reinflate the housing bubble

I opened up credit markets by buying a huge toxic shitpile using your money

Finally, I have ordered all future emperors to go around naked and ask all Americans to stop fucking around with the stock market and get real jobs - wake the fuck America - D-Day was very nice but that was 50 years ago and it's time admit the goddam party is over

Now it's true I'm only one lonely talented black man

I'm very very angry about the bonuses - in fact my pulse rose to 72 beats per minutes and my cybernetic circuits overloaded

So I'm asking people to call the fuck down, and chill out

I got this!

AP: Should we welcome our new nerdy overlord?

Obama: darlin AIG is not a bank so the FDIC can't take it over like we all saw on 60 Minutes last week

AP: oh noe

Obama: this is why Timmy needs Super-Executive Plenary Authority to put your children to work in File Mines of Wall Street

AP: i don't trust the Government - look at Katrina, Iraq, Santa Claus

Obama: hey what can I say - Bush sucked

Todd: given this new ridiculous silly era of so called personal responsibility why don't meet some arbitrary condition of sacrifice from the american people?

Obama: Hey Goatee-boy maybe you didn't notice but people are already suffering

Todd: wha?

Todd: Call to action blah blah blah

Obama: I'll start with a little sacrificing right now Toddster if that's what you want

Todd: i'll be good

Tapper: Will you veto a budget without tax cuts, cap n trade and outlawing neckties?

Obama: i expect them to xerox it and sent it me

Xerox: No no no the word is photocopy!!!

Obama: i will fuck the polluters and by the way it promotes economic growth

Tapper: will you be my Twitter friend?

Obama: no you're an idiot

Tapper [ twittering ]

obama sez no to tweet me

Chip Reid: My Rush-loving Mom says you have proposed the most irresponsible budget in history

Obama: Chipper your buddies gave me a trillion dollar deficit

Chip: oh

Obama: here's what I do know Chipmunk - we have to invest in America and grow this economy or we'll never succeed

Chip: but the debt!

Obama: is driven by structural problems that won't be solved by bombing third world nations

Chip: damm

Chip Reid: but the debt goes up up up!!

Obama: just like my popularity

Tapper: oh snap!

Obama: heh heh

Chip: but the Republicans-

Obama: oh shut up you little dickweed

Chip: how rude

Obama: i'm not going to lie to you - you're a moron

Chip: darn

Obama: and a hack

Lourdes, Telemundo: Will you invade Mexico?

Obama: Sure that sounds like a great idea with no downside

Bush [ at home ]

Shee-it - wha dinn ah think ah that!

[ throws shoe at tv, misses ]


Stars & Stripes: Bush fucked veterans but good - will you be any better?

Obama: we have to keep America safe and not waste money and everyone knows the Pentagon wastes money

McCain: no he hates America!

Obama: John McCain said that!

McCain: i did?

Obama: yes!

McCain: who am i talking to

Obama: i'm in your head!

McCain: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Ed Henry: Why did you wait to go public with the manufactured outrage the media demanded?

Obama: boy did you shellack your haid?

Henry: Speaking of GOP spin I just remembered that after 30 years the debt is important!!

Obama: you amuse me - but we can decide not improve our schools and get beat by India and Tuvalu or we can invest and improve America

Henry: i dropped out after third grade and it didn't hurt me none

Obama: your shoes are on the wrong feet Ed

Henry: mah feets?

Henry: but Cuomo Smash! Why you wait to Smash too?

Obama: am in the Journalism Special Olympics?

Q: the Commie Red Chinese think you spend too much!!

Obama: Look I met with Paul Rudd this morning and i told him our fiscal sitution is sound and that 'I Love You Man' was predictable yet amusing

Mike Allen: why do you want to kill all charities?

Obama: You bald inbred twit - the charity tax deduction benefits really rich people and maybe it's time to benefit the bottom 99%

Allen: will you rub my head?

Obama: this is a sick crowd

Allen: but no one will donate anymore!

Obama: well the don't sound too charitable to me

Allen: but are you calling the charities wrong?

Obama: yes

Allen: oh my

Obama: you know what hurts charities?

Allen: gun control?

Obama: Republican economies

Lourdes: ohh la snap!

Question: what do you say to people living under a bridge?

Obama: i tell them it's unacceptable and we are dealing with it by creating more programs and trying to fix the Bush economy

Straight Outta Compton: hey you're black

Obama: i know

Compton: tell us about 64 days of blackness in the White House

Obama: i am focused on the economy but thanks for the odd question

Wingnut: Do you even care about little frozen babies - baby killer!!!

Obama: Look wingnut - I'm trying to save lives and maybe you hadn't heard at Loony School but Bush threw those snowflake babies in the trash

Wingnut: the Holy Trash of Antioch!

Obama: I’m following the science

Wingnut: Science! The Nazis were scientists! What about the Bible?!

Obama: uh right

Brit: The Palestinians and Israelis have gone off the deep end - so how's that middle east peace looking now?

Obama: I truly can't believe the level of Fuckitude I have inherited

Brit: we should have never let that colony go

Obama: hey the Brits and Irish fought and made peace

Brit: i was talking about the American colonies

Obama: i have inherited some very naughty problems and yet I believe in slow, steady, patient progress - i saw a headline on CNN this morning "Geithner - Zero to Hero"

CNN: yeah!

Obama: and i thought it was stupid

CNN: awwww

Obama: Jake Tapper twittered that Iran didn't immediately respond to my overture

Tapper: [ Twitters ]

O-man sed my name

Obama: Look this is like a turning around are very very big sinking ship - so check in with me in four years

Tapper: but but

Obama: I said four years fuckers!!!

Monday, March 23, 2009

60 Minutes with Barack Obama - March 22, 2009

60 Minutes
March 22, 2009
Host: Steve Kroft
Guest: President Barack Obama
Kroft: Were you surprised by the anger at AIG?

Obama: as a robot sent from the future to rescue America I try to remain cool under such circumstances

Kroft: is taxing rich people constitutional??

Obama: shockingly yes

Kroft: but this could affect thousands of innocent white people!!!

Obama: yes I know it’s a tragedy

Kroft: should you fire Tim Geithner

Obama: no way he’s my scapegoat - I mean my negro!

Kroft: why do people keep failing your high standards

Obama: they’re white and used to failing upwards

Kroft: rich people met your plan with a tepid response

Obama: yes I noticed

Kroft: why don’t rich people love your plan?

Obama: they want free money with no strings attached

Kroft: Do Wall Street people trust you to do the right thing and give them trillions for failing

Obama: I was thinking maybe Wall Streeters could get by on, say, 100 times what a teacher makes

Kroft: oh no my friends will quit Wall Street if you pay them less than $150,000 a year

Obama: I am playing the World’s Smallest Violin for them

Kroft: awwww

Obama: gosh am I anti-Wall Street for pointing out that maybe these dicks don’t deserve millions for being the world’s biggest fuck-ups??

Kroft: were you surprised at the depth of Bush’s Depression?

Obama: even I was shocked at the level of his Suckitude

Kroft: Can America still fail?

Obama: there are some institutions that are so big that failure would destroy America

Kroft: like what

Obama: like Rush Limbaugh

Kroft: So the American experiment might crash and burn over greed and credit default swaps?

Obama: I won’t let than happen

Kroft: no?

Obama: not before I find out what’s happening on “Lost”

Kroft: Are we doomed

Obama: I give us 50/50

Kroft: is there light at the end of the tunnel?

Obama: interest rates are negative 10 percent so that’s good

Kroft: will you bailout the auto industry?

Obama: [ laughs ] if I give tax money to those people that I will crucified

Kroft: why are laughing - are you drunk?

Obama: Believe me I wish I was

Kroft: [ takes stiff drink ] you should dude - that’s how I get through the day

Obama: as I muslim I can’t drink

Kroft: Who should we bomb next?

Obama: either Pakistan or Alaska

Kroft: Cheney said if you don’t electrocute testicles we will be attacked again

Obama: that ignorant asshole has nearly wrecked America - he hasn’t made American safer he’s just rewarded Osama bin Laden

Kroft: George Bush released terrorists from Gitmo which is your fault

Obama: of course

Kroft: what should we do with shoplifters?

Obama: the ones who used to work for George Bush?

Kroft: no the regular ones

Obama: um, didn’t Cheney preside over the largest terrorist attack ever?

Kroft: but torture scares people into not attacking us!

Obama: sure maniacal terrorists totally use that logic

Kroft: you run the United States of America - what’s that like?

Obama: typically I open with a little nookie, talk to the Bombing and Empire Committee, and then the America is Fucked Team

Kroft: nice

Obama: I have a short commute to hell so that’s good

Kroft: do you like being President?

Obama: yes I spend most of the day calling old high school friends and say “what are you up to? I’m the motherfucking President!!”

Kroft: what’s the most difficult decision?

Obama: to attack a mountainous desert nation far away

Kroft: did we invade new mexico?

Kroft: what’s hardest about being President?

Obama: cleaning up George Bush’s incredible mess

Kroft: speaking of Bush - do you ever read?

Obama: I do actually - like I read the PDB every day

Kroft: to cover your ass?

Obama: no I’m actually interested

[ outside ]

Obama: this one crazy-ass swing set!

Kroft: are the kids having fun?

Obama: the kids love it and Michelle is gardening!

Kroft: we’ve come so far since slaves tended the grounds

Obama: don’t tempt me Steverino

Kroft: do you ever get lost in the White House?

Obama: It’s like a goddamm game of Clue

Kroft: is this a prison or the White House?

Obama: we’ve got a black man in the White House and Bernie
Madoff in 24-hour lockdown in NYC

Kroft: it’s a crazy world!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Meet the Press - March 22, 2009

Meet The Press
March 22, 2009
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-Calif.)
Gov. Ed Rendell (D-Penn.)
Mayor Mike Bloomberg (D-NYC)

Gregory: explain the economy to me muscle-man

Schwarzenegger: ve need da bridges and da roads and to vill da potholz

Rendell: we need a Supertrain!!

Gregory: sexy!

Rendell: also sewage plants

Dave: ewwww

Rendell: hey - when you gotta go you gotta go

Bloomberg: for 30 years we put off all the big decisions and now it's time to do the hard work and admit the party is over

Gregory: ok that's fine but hasn't Obama failed?

Bloomberg: no he hasn't you dancing pinhead

Gregory: did Obama hand you a trillion dollars?

Rendell: no but he did serve us Iced Tea

Gregory: Look Americans are used to being promised a free lunch - are they really willing to pay for the things we need??

Schwarzenegger: vhy nawht?

Gregory: what about the light rail being built by hedge funds?

Schwarzenegger: eees a krate investment!

Gregory: ok let's a talk reality - the US government is projecting a huge deficit - we can't afford new bridges!

Bloomberg: sure we can dancing dave - we invest now for the future and turn around the economy at the same time

Gregory: no no no we can't afford it

Bloomberg: you silly right wing shill

Rendell: i agree with Mike that you are a moron

Gregory: the Asbury Park Press said we should put the guys in AIG in prison - also that Bruce rocks!!!!

Schwarzenegger: ah doan care about zee prizon ah just vant to rebilt gullyvornia

Gregory: but the people are angry Conan!!

Rendell: I can tell you people in my state are very angry

Gregory: about teh bonuses?

Rendell: no because they are forced to live in Pennsylvania

Bloomberg: Obama is a workaholic

Gregory: so he is like George Bush

Bloomberg: no i said WORKaholic

Gregory: oh sorry

Gregory: let me quote David Brooks for balance - he said we shouldn't get mad because bonuses are less than the US GDP

Schwarzenegger: vee vill turn crisis into uppodunity lak vee deed in zee Derminator

Gregory: Obama says we should not yield to politics of the moment and then said channel the anger to do something constructive- isn't that breaking your promise?

Rendell: i heard you were an idiot

Gregory: we need to give AIG more money - Obama must defend them even though NBC spent a week stoking the anger

Bloomberg: as the richest person in New York I am quite optimistic

Gregory: there is rampant anger in America!!! Obama must stop the anger the media created!!!

Bloomberg: truly you are a wonder of nonsensical ravings

Rendell: you should appear on Wanking with the Stars

Schwarzenegger: i zuport geither - vee mast accentuate zee bositif

Bloomie: i support timmy as well

Rendell: me too

Gregory: ok ok ok - but it is a political fact that Obama has failed

Rendell: how do you know that

Gregory: Rush Limbaugh said so

Bloomie: Obama is pacing himself

Gregory: Steroid boy people hate you

Schwarzenegger: ess naht a tumor!!

Gregory: huh?

Schwarzenegger: vee mast but beeple to verk - arbeit mach free

Gregory: i don't eat at Arby's

Bloomberg: if we don't get more money from Albany i will personally throw Shelly Silver off the Brooklyn Bridge

Dave: not David Patterson?

Bloomie: too easy

Rendell: by July Americans will feel great and take lunch pails to work

Gregory: Obama joked about the special olympics - so bad!

Gregory: Gov this must hurt you especially since you are a muscle-bound cretin

Schwarzenegger: zats raht peepel laffed at me ven i vas a skinny boy in Owstria

Gregory: that's so sad

Schwarzenegger: i showed zem - i became vamus and zen bowled in zowth affrica and gott beat by Nelzon Mandela

[break ]

Gregory: finally America is going to buy toxic assets from the big banks

Burnett: yes thank god - then the banks will be freed from their mistakes as they should be

Gregory: but the banks might lose a penny - so taxpayers must give them more

Brokaw: some guy sent me an e-mail saying Wall Street misses the days of free money

Gregory: what investors want is clarity

Burnett: that and money for nothing

Gregory: well of course

Burnett: it's unacceptable that they may have to pay taxes on they money they stole

Brokaw: Obama needs to do more and farther and faster - 100 days is too short

Gregory: we must hold Obama to a higher standard than anyone ever

Burnett: right

Brokaw: exactly

Burnett: i spent all weekend talking CEOs and they all like Timmy Geithner - but miss Hank Paulson and his free money

Brokaw: most of us have 2 or 3 houses and need at least one more

Gregory: of course

Brokaw: Obama's questionnaire is 60 pages!

Gregory: what is with all this populist rage that the media is talking about??

Gregory: Pastor Meachem says this just like Hitler and WWII

Brokaw: it turns out Bush and all businessmen were liars

Gregory: wow Obama is really worse than I thought

Brokaw: Citigroup gets free money and single moms are getting screwed

Gregory: the invisible hand is giving us the reach around

Gregory: it’s the invisible hand job

Burnett: the Gilded Age is giving us a Golden Shower

Brokaw: Obama and the GOP need to step up their game like the kids in the NCAA

Gregory: mo' money!!

Burnett: why are people so mad at the thieves?

Gregory: dunno

Burnett: people want Obama to sieze the anger and then give Wall Street trillions

Gregory: NBC spent a week stoking this anger but isn't this 90% tax bill wrong

Brokaw: it's demagoguery - that's what tommy friedman told me!

Gregory: i agree

Brokaw: Wall Streeters deserve a lot of money -- after all they really want it

Brokaw: i went out and talked to the little people out in the rest of America outside of Wall St. and DC

Gregory: who did you talk to?

Brokaw: the CEO of GE Jeff Immelt

Burnett: can we reinflate the bubble?

Gregory: we can if we blow really, really hard

Brokaw: god knows you are trying your best Dave
Author: Culture of Truth

The Chris Matthews Show - March 22, 2009

The Chris Matthews Show
March 22, 2009

Matthews: OMG the AIG bonuses!!! If Obama continues to take all this criticism he will only be elected 4 times like FDR!!!

Kay: Obama is too aloof and out of touch with the public - you can tell because he was just elected President in a landslide

Klein: the little people are angry - the rest of us are smart

Parker: Obama should have known that one penny out of $1,000 was spent on bonuses

Whitaker: Obama has stoke the angry but recall that eventually they guillotined Guillotine

Matthews: Populism is bad! Also we need to get the bad guys!!

Kay: Obama appears to support Geithner

Matthews: where's my money!! I want my money back!!

Klein: Um Chris.. George W Bush took your money

Matthews: When do I get my money back??!!

Klein: Reagan presided over a recession 2 years in!!!

Whitaker: yeah but he was a wonderful white cowboy

Matthews: Matthews Meter - Is Obama finished?

Kay: sure because AIG is a black hole that sucks in all US money

Klein: no that's stupid

Parker: He's toast

Whitaker: and he's black

Matthews: If we have another Depression are at least going have dancing singing newsboys and good music??!!

Old Guy: look I'm a poor man's woody guthrie!!

Matthews: we lost a newspaper this week

Kay: did you look under the couch?

Matthews: no it went out of business

Kay: oh then i'd look on the internet

Matthews: OMFG the internet killed the newspaper i loved and held in my hands is dead

Klein: it's a daily act of devotion and an addiction

Matthews: Our Lady of WaPo and Heroin

Whitaker: the Seattle Post is going to survive - it will just go from 210 reporters to one teenager with a blog

Kay: In Britain newspapers are loss leaders for inbred royalist psychopaths

Parker: in the US they are non-profit centers for conservative lunatics

Matthews: but the beauty of a newspapers I am exposed to extreme weirdness which you can't get on the Internet

Klein: no - I still have a blog

Matthews: no wait I am going to show you a demonstration of something cool I did when i was a paper boy

[ rolls newspaper in a tight tube, masturbates on tv ]

Klein: wow

Kay: oh my god

[ fap fap fap fap fap ]

Matthews: let's you do that with the Huffington Post

Parker: words fail me chris

Chris: tell me something I don’t know

Kay: 100,000 people are dying in Darfur

Klein: I miss Ron Silver - he was crazy but he wuz mah fwend

Parker: Blue Dogs love Obama

Whitaker: AIG owed billions to French and German banks

Chris: mein gott!

Matthews: winners of AIG scandal?

Kay: Jon Stewart and Colbert

Klein: Sarah Palin

Parker: Rush Limbaugh

Whitaker: whoever runs against Chris Dodd

Matthews: Andrew Cuomo! Cuomo Smash!!

Friday, March 20, 2009

The Tonight Show with Barack Obama - March 20, 2009

The Tonight Show
Host: Jay Leno
Guest: President Barack Obama
March 20, 2009

Leno: pleeze welcome our new Black Overlord, Barack Obama

[ band plays theme from the Odd Couple ]

Obama: I am in the House and I am the motherfuckin President!!

Leno: you still look like a young black man and yet something is different about you

Obama: i am surrounded by white men with guns

Leno: well as a black man you should be used to that

Obama: that's true

Leno: things suck now you are president

Obama: well you know we're going to slowly and carefully make the right decisions

Leno: what's the fucking deal with AIG

Obama: they sold a trillion dollars of shit

Leno: oh

Obama: they owe more money than there is on planet earth

Leno: crazee

Obama: so they went bankrupt and gave themselves super-bonuses which is arrogant

Leno: you don't know a lot of white people do you

Leno: let's take away the bonuses and let them sue us

Obama: they wrote rules to give themselves the money by law

Leno: awesome

Obama: there were no checks and balances

Leno: what an odd notion

Obama: whacky

Leno: i hate the bonuses but I am scared that the government now can just tax white people for no reason

Obama: calm down jay - no one's takin your pimped out antique cars negro

Leno: OMG i am frightened as an american that people may have to pay taxes

Obama: well sure but we have to pay for the things that we want to keep the country running

Leno: all right - who's going to jail??

Obama: i hate to tell you this Jayster but white people made all this shit legal

Leno: no!

Obama: no it's true - robbing people from the porch of a country club with a gin and tonic in your hand is legal

Leno: really

Obama: look it up fucker

Leno: These fuckers make Mr. Potter look like a saint

Obama: it turns out that all of Bush's economic growth was all fake

Leno: really?

Obama: Reagan's too

Leno: wow

Obama: we need to steer idiots away from investment banking and to something they can handle like finger painting

Leno: Timmy seems kind of dim

Obama: he was in the financial special olympics

Leno: that's cute

Obama: but the buck stops with me

Leno: ha truman used that metaphor

Obama: no it's actually the last dollar the government has

Leno: where did all our billions go?

Obama: the banks invested it in bonuses, caribbean vacations and million dollar luxury offices for CEOs

Leno: problem solved

Leno: where should people put there money somewhere risky like a bank or safe like the mattress

Obama: well people still need new shit - like new cars - granted they will probably not be america but still Wal Mart will probably get richer

Leno: will we plug in our cars?

Obama: even better - Mattel makes one which runs by pulling it backwards on the carpet

Leno: wow

Leno: let me ask you a personal question - did you have sex in Air Force One

Obama: dude i can't answer that

Leno: c'mon

Obama: dude you know i did

[ high fives Leno ]

Leno: do you still bowl?

Obama: i bowl Full Retard

Leno: you're black - what about basketball?

Obama: we'll tear up the tennis courts which is a silly white sport anyway

Leno: do people lose to the President?

Obama: they do if they don't want to get shot

Leno: who are your Final Four?

Obama: Me, Biden, Hillary and Bill

Leno: awesome

Leno: what about the First Dog

Obama: we're working on it

Leno: you should get a lapdog

Obama: i already have the white house press corps

Monday, March 16, 2009

Meet the Press with Christina Romer & Eric Eric Cantor - March 15, 2009

Meet the Press
March 15, 2009
Christina Romer
Rep. Eric Cantor
Gregory: are we in a war? I love those

Romer: yes - it’s great that means Obama can seize bankers off the street and put torture them without charges

Gregory: but McCain said the fundamentals of the economy were strong just like Bammy

Romer: yes but he was an out of touch idiot

Gregory: are the fundamentals strong or not

Romer: well sure the earth still has a crust

Gregory: so John McCain was right

Romer: yelling at clouds is not the answer

Gregory: was Bush wrong?

Romer: we were all wrong

Gregory: so that proves you could be wrong

Romer: well sure

Gregory: so don’t the people deserve to know what you’re not planning to do?

Romer: huh?

Gregory: has the stimulus failed?

Romer: give it one more week

Gregory: Paul Krugman says you don’t spend enough

Romer: but he didn’t take into account Obama bought his kids a playhouse

Gregory: will Obama tax employees health care?

Romer: no

Gregory: but I read he would

Romer: where?

Gregory: the National Enquirer - also Lindsay Lohan is in trouble again!

Romer: idiot

Gregory: is it off the table?

Romer: which table?

Gregory: THE table!

Romer: oh that table

Gregory: Bailouts for AIG?

Romer: we’re all very angry about that

Gregory: so what are you going to do?

Romer: we’re writing a strongly worded letter urging them to give the money back

Gregory: so it’s like Albert Brooks in Life in America

Romer: right

Gregory: aren’t we going to war with no troops?

Romer: you know dancin’ dave I had I heard you were a true moron

Gregory: but we have no top people at the Dept of Treasury!!

Romer: I’m sure the nation will survive

Gregory: but you need people with experience on Wall Street to get us out of the mess Wall Street created!

Romer: hey we have very high ethics

Gregory: [ sobs ]

Gregory: we need a detailed blueprint for the next four years!!

Romer: you’re very silly

Gregory: but the first thing FDR did was build a highway on the West side of New York!!

Romer: I don’t think that’s right Gregory

Gregory: the hardest thing is to admit the Pile is made of Shit

Romer: we’re working on admitting that

Gregory: so how do square that Shit Circle?

Romer: I’ll let Obama try sell you that crap

Gregory: what should consumers do now?

Romer: save money but also tomorrow go out and buy a car you can’t afford


Gregory: hey Congressman is the economy recovering?

Cantor: I’d like to think so but let’s face it - Bush left us with a mess and we need socialism for small businesses

Gregory: oh really - what’s your solution to the crisis?

Cantor: help all the little wonderful puppy and kitten businesses who can’t get loans

Gregory: so what? Ayn Rand would say fuck ‘em

Cantor: Government should get out of the way by guaranteeing all business loans

Gregory: you oppose big government spending and borrowing except for your business friends?

Cantor: right - Obama’s Treasury Dept should take over the American banking system

Gregory: so are you a socialist?

Cantor: Republicans believe we should plant magic beans all over America and then harvest the gold that blossoms thereof

Gregory: interesting - is that all?

Cantor: Oh no - we all plan to bash Barack Obama for not having a blueprint for Any Randian Socialism

Gregory: will you vote for the budget bill?

Cantor: no it’s has to be very focused on helping people in my state

Gregory: fair enough

Cantor: Obama is trying to do much and instead of not doing anything which is much more impressive

Gregory: the GOP just discovered spending problems after 30 years of spending like crazy insane people

Cantor: that’s doesn’t give Democrats an excuse to be as bad as Republicans!

Gregory: did you ever oppose spending??

Cantor: no because Republicans love America and the flag and apple pie and the troops

Gregory: that sounds a little like hypocrisy

Cantor: but there’s a train to Disneyland!!

Gregory: you supported 46,000 earmarks

Cantor: yes but Obama is a magic negro here to save us all

Gregory: you gotta be fucking kidding me

Cantor: look we are very troubled that just because Americans completely rejected the GOP liberal policies are being implemented

Gregory: that is a surprise to you?

Cantor: yes because only Republicans understand America

Gregory: Did Congress drop the ball on the economic crisis?

Cantor: yes we need to follow Ayn Rand’s example and have more Randian Regulation

[ break ]

Gregory: are the Dems hypocrites for saying things have gotten better?

Liesman: but things are better!

Tavis Smiley: I hate bad bailouts

David Frum: I am expert on the Depression

Gregory: why is Obama bad?

Frum: because the stimulus is not big enough

Liesman: coming from you that’s stupid

Frum: true - but that’s no excuse

Katty Kay: Europeans don’t care about the recession because they still have health care and at least there are no concentration camps

Gregory: Jon Stewart pointed out that the media failed - is that true?

Liesman: sadly yes

Gregory: that’s pretty horrible - let’s go to economic expert Tavis Smiley

Smiley: Greed is not speed! Wall Street is not Main Street! Poverty is not Dougherty!

Gregory: what should have been done to stop Americans buying a big house?

Frum: Bush should probably not have lied so much

Smiley: how about fewer tax cuts for the rich?

Frum: that’s crazy talk

Kay: journalists didn’t ask any sensible questions

Liesman: well in their defense - they’re idiots

Gregory: Steele is pro-choice now??

Frum: Steele is warm and exciting and fresh

Gregory: you make him sound like an Oreo Pop Tart

Frum: He’s the best thing to happen to the Republican party since stovepipe hats

Gregory: so when will he be fired

Frum: next week

Smiley: I tell you dude you’re not going to get black voters with this weirdo

Frum: he’s not black - but he’s got great blackiness

Gregory: and we’re done

The Chris Matthew Show - March 15, 2009

The Chris Matthew Show
March 15, 2009

Matthews: can Obama cure my illness?

Fineman: no he must explain how all lending works

Tweety: I love you - you’re the best! -- but you’re not bashing Obama enough

Burnett: did you know Banks are not America’s biggest lenders!

Tweety: who are?

Burnett: mafia loansharks

Tweety: Timmy Geither is confusing!!

Sorkin: Look who talking

Fineman: he’s too much of an insider - he’s a green eyeshade guy

Tweety: so who’s doing the White House public relations?

Fineman: Larry Summers

Tweety: oh no

Burnett: all we know is that it’s very important that the big bankers stay rich

Tweety: will Obama give me more money?

Sorkin: everyone thinks we should have a bigger stimulus

Fineman: it will never happen

Tweety: who will stop it?

Fienman: John Boehner and the Electric Randians

Tweety: what’s wrong with America?

Burnett: we borrowed too much money

Tweety: so let’s borrow more money?

Burnett: yes also let’s name some more airports after Ronald Reagan

Tweety: are we all bottoms now?

Burnett: not yet

Sorkin: Jon Stewart will get me for whatever I say

Tweety: don’t flatter yourself opie

Tweety: OMG Obama has abdicated all his power to Rahm Emmanuel!!!

Fineman: that’s right - Congress is writing all the spending bills!!

Tweety: I love it!!

Kornblut: it’s crazy just because Obama is trying to get things done

Tweety: but it’s not like Hillary with health care in 1993!

Tweety: Obama is scaring the money people!!

Sorkin: that’s all you ever say idiot

Tweety: Obama is doing everything which means he has given away all his power!

Fineman: he’s a stud but he needs to get on the road

Sorkin: you just complained that he was on the road too much!!

Fineman: that’s true -- but the point is that he sucks

Burnett: Wall Street thinks he’s doing a good job

Tweety: no no no!

Burnett: the good news Nebraska is hiring telemarkers and casinos in Iowa are doing well!

Fineman: If Franken finally the nasty pro-unions bill will pass

Kornblut: people love the troops which will be good when martial law comes

Sokin: Hank Paulson was right!

Burnett: recovery by 2010!

Sorkin: recovery by 2009 but you just won’t feel it

Kornblut: the Dems will fail!

Fineman: Nes! No!

Tweety: you’re all so smart!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Daily Show with guest Jim Cramer - March 12, 2009

The Daily Show
March 12, 2009
Guest: Jim Cramer

Stewart: why are we fighting?

Cramer: i dunno i love you

Stewart: i wasn't attacking you personally

Cramer: well i did get a lot of things wrong

Stewart: yeah i know

Stewart: we're both selling snake oil but you're actually a snake

Cramer: hey i'm just a humble unfrozen caveman

Stewart: how did you make money on Wall Street

Cramer: i cheated by hyping worthless stocks

Stewart: are you the good jim cramer or the bad jim cramer

Cramer: which channel am i on

Stewart: tv can be a powerful force for good

Cramer: like The A-Team

Stewart: it seems like ordinary people are paying for your fucking game

Cramer: hey you've seen my show - i play a fucking lunatic - I'm exposing the craziness of wall street

Stewart: good point

Cramer: we give the people what they want

Stewart: but you lie and manipulate the market!

Cramer: it’s all in fun

Stewart: it’s not a fucking game dude!

Cramer: hey I’m revealing it all

Stewart: you knew what was going on and puffed stocks - that’s disengenous at best and criminal at worst

Cramer: hey I’m not the crook here - they lied to me!

Stewart: are you a journalist or trying to hype the market?

Cramer: I’m just a dumbass

Stewart: you sell the idea of money for nothing

Cramer: beats working for a living

Stewart: who are you responsible to - the public or the fast-trading criminals?

Cramer: our responsibility is to attack Barack Obama

Stewart: you're a fucking circus act

Cramer: i'm no edward r murrow

Stewart: you're edward r moron

Cramer: i rant for a living

Stewart: well congrats asshole cause you killed america

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Meet The Press - March 8, 2009

March 8, 2009
Sen. Chuck Schumer
Sen. Lindsay Graham

Gregory: America is completely in the toilet and the stimulus package has failed - so says the neocon Washington Post and John McCain's advisor!!!

Graham: we need free and easy credit

Gregory: but the path is unwinding - do we need a Wonderwall?

Schumer: he dude - the stimulus package and housing plan were just enacted!

Gregory: yeah yeah yeah - but America has a confidence problem and we're writing checks we can't cash

Schumer: stop quoting Top Gun

Gregory: i love that movie - it's mavericky!!

Gregory: Has Obama FAILED to restore confidence by not shuttering all banks?

Schumer: I always heard you were a wanker and a dick

Gregory: yes

Schumer: look he just took office you idiot

Graham: I'm very very sad and disappointed that Obama has ruined the stock market with all his debts

Schumer: say that in Brooklyn Lindy

Graham: i miss the days when massive debts didn't matter

Schumer: like Saint Ronnie

Graham: he mister we need a man like a Herbert Hoover again

Schumer: hell even McCain's advisor says we should spend more!

Graham: sure but don't raise taxes!

Schumer: but that would make the debt worse!

Graham: right!

Schumer: well which is it?!

Graham: we need magic beans!!!

Schumer: we need to guarantee car loans

Graham: yay

Gregory: should we nationalize banks?

Graham: no this is very expensive

Schumer: unlike the Iraq war

Graham: you can't throw good money after bad

Schumer: the Iraq war turned a profit?

Graham: oh it will someday!

Schumer: don't call it nationalization call it social nationalism

Graham: i like it

Schumer: the government should take the bad assets and bury them in Yucca Mountain

Graham: where we can pretend they never existed

Schumer: right - he guess what i called Tim Geithner

Gregory: what happened

Schumer: he put me on hold and ran into the bathroom and jumped out the window

Graham: you can't throw good money after bad

Gregory: you already said that

Graham: ok I'm a southern zombie

Schumer: in Brooklyn we use clawbacks

Gregory: speaking of quoting Republicans let's highlight John McCain

Gregory: should we get rid of all earmarks?

Graham: no - just Democrat ones

Gregory: he twittered against your Myrtle

Graham: no that's a good project - Myrtle beach is running dangerously short of mini golf courses

Gregory: where's the reform??

Schumer: we tattoo earmarks on every Congressman's ear now

Gregory: Chuckie you have earmarks too

Schumer: hey as we speak peter petrelli is threatening to explode and destroy New York city

Gregory: speaking of Rush Limbaugh - is he too awesome?

Graham: allow me to apologize in advance for insulting Rush

Gregory: me as well

Graham: stop talking about him - he calls me names like "Lindsay"!!

Schumer: he calls me that "camera hungry jew"

Gregory: he just calls me

[ great ]

Gregory: could we have another Depression and would that be really Great???

Ahamed: we could if try to address the deficit and not spend enough

Gregory: so we should be Republicans?

Ahamed: no I said the opposite dimwit

Gregory: OMG how could GE be in a trouble - GOD help us all!

Burnett: there are no real problems - just fear and lack of confidence

Gregory: we need national Viagra

Gregory: so what is causing all these problems

Burnett: the media

Gregory: no things are really bad - help me Mort

Zuckerman: it's all confidence - hell I've stopping picking up $100 bills of the street

Gregory: Let me quote the Wall Street Journal

Gingrich: conducting a War on the Rich and Successful will lead them to put their money in a mattress

Gregory: so sad

Gingrich: a clawback will take money that people thought they had earned which definitely put a crimp in the time-machine business

Gregory: so Mort we've established that Obama has ruined America

Mort: I don't agree

Gregory: away with you!

Gregory: Why doesn't Obama make people confident but shutting down all ATMs?

Ahamed: my stars you are quite the moron aren't you?

Burnett: maybe we could let AIG fail

Gregory: so sad

Gingrich: look this is a whole new world - a Senator actually called CEOs idiots!

Gregory: no!

Gingrich: he should have been responsible and accused the Democrats for drowning susan smith's children

Gregory: exactly

Gingrich: Obama needs to decide if he is going to succeed or do the right thing or adopt Republican policies

Gregory: why hasn't Obama solved all of America's problems?

Mort: gee i don't know maybe they're hard to solve?

Burnett: he's fulfilling promises - which is an odd experience

Gregory: the eastern europe economy is not doing good

Ahamed: Dracula has been reduced to drinking V-8

Gregory: everybody has to sacrifice

Ahamed: we need people to be responsible

Gingrich: I'm not impressed by Obama he has a lot to learn

Gregory: you could teach him

Gingrich: right he's never served his dying wife with divorce papers in the hospital

Gingrich: no one is going to start a new business with Obama talking about shutting down the Metropolitan Opera

Zuckerman: i have to say that Newt is a true idiot

Gregory: but i looove him

Zuckerman: we need to fix the economy

Burnett: Lazy sick people are going to bankrupt America

Gregory: why is Obama doing to so much

Burnett: Obama is moving at light speed - he needs to slow down and let the rest of us catch up

Gingrich: i will be proven right - we need to have an emergency dialog and admit that the Democrats cause all immorality

Gregory: we need a bigger bloat

Ahamed: the strong must help the weak

Gregory: Newt you said Obama is just like Nixon and Haldemen who were criminals

Newt: Exactly - objecting to Rush's hate will stop us from coming together as a nation - attacking Rush is partisan

Gregory: so Rush is the Republican party?

Newt: um no did I just say that?

Gregory: yes

Newt: this nation has to have once in a 100-year conversation about why homeless women should get free laptops unless they are having their period

Gregory: you're such an idea man!!

Hardball - March 8, 2009

March 8, 2009
Tweety: OMG the Dow is the most important thing ever!!!!

Regan: No it’s about systemic business problems and not Obama

Tweety: so Trish what you are saying is that it's all Obama's fault

Stengel: it's like that famous chinese character

Tweety: which one?

Stengel: Fu Manchu

Tweety: so Obama’s Tax and Spend is scaring the money people

Parker: that is stupid

Page: no I disagree Kathleen no that is very, very stupid

Tweety: ok i know nothing about money - so let's talk about politics

Regan: there was hope and now there is disappointment

Tweety: oh that disappointing Obama!

Tweety: I love Rush Limbaugh because he defends capitalism

Page: that is so fucking moronic

Tweety: Rush Limbaugh’s have numbers have doubled and Obama’s have not

[smirks ]

Page: you can't double 80% approval stupid

Tweety: so what you are saying is Obama destroyed the stock market

Parker: um no idiot

Tweety: Obama - worst President ever?

Page: ha

Parker: you are a silly person

Tweey: OMG Limbaugh is very very important because he
invited Obama to debate him and Obama didn't!!!!

Page: [ mimics shooting self in head ]

Tweety: OMG I love Rush Limbaugh but he never he a pussy on his lap!!

Page: [ mimic hanging self ]

Tweety: OMG I may have to wank into my golden years!!!

Stengel: the good new is that stocks are way way down are are still overvalued

Tweety: the sharpies are coming!

Regan: you should put $1 million in the market now!

Page: capital is clogged up we need a financial Drano!

Tweety: I'm thinking of moving out of my parent's basement

Stengel: indeed if your home is martha's vineyard is two years old you need a new one

Tweety: your grandparents and grandchildren are competing for the same jobs at McDonald's

Parker: the illegals!

Tweety: who's an "illegal" - Jose or Bernie??

Tweety: tell me something cause i'm dumb

Regan: bet against the uro!

Tweety: Ha!

Stengel: what people don't realize is that the health system isn't perfect

Tweety: no!

Parker: obama will raise taxes in 2015

Tweety: oh noes!!

Page: Burris wins!!

Tweety: Wow!

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Meet The Press - March 1, 2009

Meet The Press
March 1, 2009
David Gregory
Harold Ford
Joe Scarborough
Dee Dee Myers
Mike Murphy

Gregory: holy shit Obama is reversing the ideas of ronald reagan!!

Scarborough: Obama is just another liberal big liberal spender like liberal George W Bush - it's so sad i thought we were getting change from the past eight years - finally some conservative government!

Murphy: It’s disappointing just because Republicans suck Obama is taking advantage of it to be liberal

Gregory: just terrible - as usual he is cheating by being popular

Murphy: if we're going to get a French Revolution we're should guillotine some peasants too out of fairness

Gregory: the Heritage Foundation say Obama is very unfair

Ford: oh please the rich control half the wealth in this nation and Republicans said Bill Clinton's first budget was going to kill America and they were proven fucking wrong

Scarborough: no the good economy in the 90s was due to good Republicans like Bill Clinton not a liberal Democrats like George Bush

Gregory: [high pitched squeaky voice ] OMG Congress is free-spending!!

Myers: so?

Gregory: but Judd Gregg says it's bad!!

Myers: Obama's trying to solve real problems dude

Murphy: there is not enough money for killing brown people in this budget but at least he did cut money for the elderly

Gregory: Where are the cuts?!? Where are the cuts?!?

Ford: you're like Ayn Rand with Tourette's

Scarborough: i'm so disappointed with Obama - i thought he was a conservative republican would eliminate Medicaid [ begins weeping ]

Murphy: indeed it's so so sad - so so disappointing

Gregory: omg i've been asleep since 1980 - spending is bad!!!!

Ford: Obama should be primaried by a young black man if the deficit is not cut in half in 4 years

Gregory: you said it!

Ford: Joe Scarborough is probably right

Obama: Bring it on fuckers!!

Myers: you want a piece of him!?!

Scarborough: it's like me threatening an intern

Murphy: it's such a trick - he's cheating because people want to live like the French

Ford: i disagree with Joe Scar - Obama should adopt some Republican policies!

Murphy: he's just like Bush!

Gregory: I want to talk about Republicans

Ford: weren't we?

Gregory: let me quote Rush Limbaugh

Audience: [ oh for god's sake ]

Murphy: we have to step back and figure out what the fuck went wrong with the GOP

Gregory: not dickish enough?

Murphy: we all worship ronald reagan

Gregory: of course

Murphy: but we must reach out to more people than the Rush-loving crazies

Gregory: tell us how Republicans can please restore Republican ideas please!

Scarborough: vote for a third party - "the RePUBlican party"

Murphy: the good news is that Obama has turned Left

Gregory: why is he such a terrible radical Lefty?

Ford: Because this is what Americans want

Murphy: France! The French! France!

Scarborough: only I know what works - I was so successful in Congress I had to quit

Ford: hey Bush got Dems to go along with him and look what that got him

Gregory: let's return to bashing Obama and shilling for Republicans

Ford: indeed Dancin’ Dave

Gregory: look at my running tally of Government Spending

Scarborough: i love you man

Gregory: wait I'm not finished - Obama also brought the Dow down!!!

Ford: Obama is crippled!!

Gregory: Obama will fail and people hate him!!

Scarborough: exactly - the National Debt is Obama's fault!!!

Gregory: so clearly the GOP will sweep in 2010

Scar: sure we all know that - but by then America will be fucked

Murphy: Democrats are worse that Republicans who got us into Iraq!!!

Scar: of course - vote RePUBlican!!

Gregory: please follow this fascinating discussion on my Twitter page DancinDave@twitter

Face the Nation with Rahm Emmanuel - March 1, 2009

Face the Nation
March 1, 2009
Rahm Emanuel

Schieffer: OMG there are 9,000 earmarks!!

Emanuel: we will reduce them greatly

Schieffer: by how many?

Emanuel: down to 8,785

Schieffer: why not get rid of all earmarks unlike every President ever?

Emanuel: because fuck you

Schieffer: Republicans like Newt Gingrich say Obama is a bad man

Emanuel: um yeah fuck him Bob

Schieffer: this is probably the biggest budget since like ever

Emanuel: Probably?

Schieffer: eh I'm old

Emanuel: Asshole

Schieffer: Let me quote Newt Gingrich extensively on all your big spending and debt and socialist agenda

Emanuel: recall dipshit we inherited the debt and big spending and the lies

Schieffer: No!

Emanuel: i agree with Newt that Obama doesn’t want to subsidize big businesses and criminals and lies

Schieffer: no no no you are big spenders - i mean look at this funding for sick children and dental work - isn't this just Bridgework To Nowhere???

Emanuel: Fuck off old man

Schieffer: well ah do declah

Emanuel: We've have 30 years of a Republican Culture of Debts and Spending and Irresponsibility

Schieffer: Newt Gingrich says you will raise taxes on regular people

Emanuel: well he's lying

Schieffer: No!

Emanuel: Yes!

Emanuel: we're going back to the tax rates we had under Ronald Reagan

Schieffer: that damnned socialist!?

Emanuel: we also will help poor people, increase energy efficiency, and end stupid wars

Schieffer: speaking newt and of raising taxes on rich people

Emanuel: you senile bastard

Schieffer: what about the poor charities who will get no donations anymore??

Emanuel: you are a silly shill for Newt Gingrich

Schieffer: sorry he's got compromising pictures of me with some beavers

Emanuel: people are shocked Obama is keeping his promises

Schieffer: you failed to get bipartisanship - so sad

Emanuel: no we succeeded

Schieffer: but only you only got three GOP votes

Emanuel: no you liar we got lots on the employment bill and children's health and we got GOP Governors supporting the Stimulus

Schieffer: they don't count - everyone knows the GOP is represented six crazy House Members and Rush Limbaugh

Emanuel: ah the Leader of the GOP - who wants Obama to Fail

Schieffer: Indeed let’s talk Rush

Emanuel: Rush is the Intellectual Force of teh GOP and all Republicans grovel at his feet

Schieffer: you really believe that??

Emanuel: oh yeah they all kiss his fat boil-ridden pasty-white ass

Schieffer: Is Obama going to give GM $20 billion??

Emanuel: these assholes tried to sell us Hummers for 10 years

Schieffer: so what's the answer?

Emanuel: they will have to agree to support our energy and health care plans

Schieffer: very clever

Emanuel: That's the Chicago Way fucker

Schieffer: now liberal Democrats say Obama's not leaving Iraq fast enough

Emanuel: Nancy Pelosi - what's she gonna do, impeach Obama??

Schieffer: maybe

Emanuel: she can impeach my ass

Schieffer: will the Commanders follow Obama

Emanuel: you bet they will fucker

Schieffer: Can you really expect Congress to get something done?

Emanuel: they will or I will take a crowbar to their car windshields

Schieffer: what if that doens't work?

Emanuel: i go after their families

Schieffer: sounds like Mexico

Emanuel: i gotta admit i like their style

Emanuel: we're going to sic Napolitano on the Mexican drug dealer's ass

Schieffer: is she up to it?

Emanuel: she's an Italian from the American West - her grandmother will kill you

Schieffer: okay then

The Chris Matthews Show - March 1, 2009

The Chris Matthews Show
March 1, 2009

Matthews: OMG Obama is actually going to withdraw from Iraq!!!

Mitchell: the Iraq war is no fun anymore -- it's time to fuck up Afghanistan!!!

Ignatius: Obama is going to do it thoughtfully - he's such a hypocrite!!

Cooper: we're remissioning and withdrawing at night

Matthews: Noctural remissions!!?!

Inskeep: NPR says our soldiers are teh best!!!

Tweety: will Obama stay in Iraq forever??

Mitchell: he promised he would withdraw and he will

Tweety: that's what all men say

Ignatius: this is Obama's Vietnam

Tweety: So he will stay for a decade and bloggers will be mad

Ignatius: no he won’t - how many ways do you have to hear it??

Matthews: Talk Taliban to me

Mitchell: Afghanistan is Obama's Korea

Cooper: Obama is going to Surge in Afghanistan and look for Al Qaeda

Tweety: maybe they’re on that island in Lost

Inskeep: We can't breathe too hard or we will destablize Pakistan

Ignatius: thank god Obama is going to tell the bloggers fuck off and join the DC consensus and realize there is no military solution in Afghanistan

Matthews: isn't that what bloggers have been saying all along?

Ignatius: yes but DC pundits believe that but want to stay anyway

Tweety: OMG Congressmen are Twittering!!!

bobgraham@tweety: oh man i wuz ahead of my time

Matthews: OMG has Obama already turned America around!?!

Cooper: the Stimulus will make Americans happy and shiny people

Inskeep: Obama is already a failure - even is the stimulus works because it will be government spending

Matthews: awwww

Inskeep: NPR says the deficits are bad!!

Mitchell: we have to give the banks a trillion dollars even though it's very unpopular

Ignatius: the good news prices have fallen so low things can't get any worse

Matthews: what's the bad news?

Ignatius: CEOs have no fucking clue what they're doing

Tweety: tell me things I don’t know!

Cooper: Bibi will reach out Syria

Tweety: he's from Philly!

Inskeep: Iran is like China - they will sell us crappy goods in exchange for us ignoring human rights

Mitchell: Our Vatican Embassy is too big and ugly so we hired a cranky dude to paint the ceiling

Inskeep: the only secure thing in the world in the US dollar

Tweety: [ waves dollar ] hoo boy!!

Obama: i will win over the Cantor!

Tweety: can Obama win anything?

Inskeep: who cares - Obama sucks

Mitchell: Obama will win when he eliminates social security

Ignatius: i want just the kids off my lawn

Matthews: watch me tonight on Celebrity Pundit Apprentice on CNBC 2!!