Sunday, September 25, 2011

Meet The Press - September 25, 2011

Gregory: welcome to this very Special Episode
of Meet The Press devoted entirely to Education
in America - here’s Bibi Netanyahu

Netanyahu: Hi David

Gregory: what about the move for statehood
for Palestine?

Netanyahu: It’s a great idea if Palestine de-militarized

Gregory: There is no peace process is there?

Netanyahu: I tried to meet with the Palestinians
here in New York but they had tickets to the
Book of Mormon

Gregory: ooh those are really hard to get

Netanyahu: Abbas has to sit down and Just Do It

Gregory: Why are you still occupying the
West Bank?

Netanyahu: I walk the streets of New Jersey and
people say to me Bibi stay strong and
maintain the occupation!

Gregory: that’s amazing

Netanyahu: the Dutch love us and we’re very popular in Cyprus

Gregory: what if being right is not enough?

Netanyahu: the core of the conflict is that the Palestinians refuse to recognizes Israel as
a Jewish state

Gregory: got it

Netanyahu: Militant Islam is an insatiable crocodile that eats land with its snapping jaws

Gregory: Please bash Obama for me

Netanyahu: no

Gregory: But Rick Perry says Obama is a bad man

Netanyahu: don’t fuck with me Fluffy

Gregory: but Obama is mean!

Netanyahu: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: Is Israel going to be a Jewish state
or a democracy?

Netanyahu: um let me think . . . the first

Gregory: so what’s the solution?

Netanyahu: a Palestinian state that recognizes Israel as a Jewish state and our historic right to our land

Gregory: sounds good

Netanyahu: Abbas needs to tell his people that the dream is over - Israel is here to stay

Gregory: he’s still talking about 1948

Netanyahu: This is the land of Abraham and Jacob and Benjamin who was the Original Bibi

Gregory: Abbas says the land is sacred for
Muslims and Christians

Netanyahu: Hello!? Ever heard of little story about God, the Jews and Jesus? Most popular book ever written??

Gregory: The DaVinci Code?

Netanyahu: the Bible you idiot

Gregory: Bill Clinton says you are partly to blame because you will never give up the West Bank

Netanyahu: I never said this before but I mean
this sincerely - fuck you Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: Mayor Mike what is going on with the economy?

Bloomberg: Europe is collapsing and our useless
politicians in D.C. are going to shut down
the government! Again!

Gregory: why are businesses not hiring?

Bloomberg: you can’t make a loan or take a vacation
when politicians are bickering

Gregory: so this is all Obama’s fault

Bloomberg: at least he’s trying to fix the economy
which is more than I can say for the GOP

Gregory: Obama says he is not waging class warfare
unless you like class warfare in which case
he is a warrior

Bloomberg: that’s not fair -- you can’t define
what is “poor” or “wealthy” - those are just theatrics

Gregory: that’s very insightful

Bloomberg: If Warren Buffet made his money
differently then his taxes would be different

Gregory: I can’t argue with that

Bloomberg: you must raise taxes on everyone
and also cut entitlements

Gregory: Isn’t Warren Buffet a bad man for
suggesting higher taxes on rich people like
you and me?

Bloomberg: yes he is Fluffy

Gregory: don’t you love Chris Christie?

Bloomberg: he’s okay I guess

Gregory: Is the Rick Perry honeymoon over?

Bloomberg: you journalists keep hyping whoever
is behind - it’s silly

Bloomberg: these GOP candidates don’t believe in
science or evolution or vaccination - it’s appalling

Gregory: how about a third party
candidate for President?

Bloomberg: that’s clever but will never happen

Gregory: can Obama be re-elected?

Bloomberg: yes because he’s better than any of the
alternatives who appear to be morons

Gregory: I read a poll that said people don’t approve
of your education policies

Bloomberg: that was a bullshit poll Fluffy

Gregory: yes sir

Bloomberg: people love public schools policies
and it’s disgraceful for you to attack parents this way

Gregory: thanks for coming Mayor

[ break ]

Gregory: Bill Bennett tell me about education

Bennett: If went to college unemployment is 5%
if you didn’t go to high school it’s 15%

Shalala: if you work 2 jobs you can’t get home to
help your kids with their homework

Smiley: This is not a skill problem -
it’s a will problem!

Gregory: but doesn’t government suck?

Smiley: Kids live with crime, poverty and drugs -
it’s a national disgrace!

Gregory: are there no private charities?

Shriver: standardized tests don’t inspire kids

Gregory: they are very boring

Shriver: we need to teach optimism!

Bennett: tests let us know who is failing
which is very necessary

Gregory: so what is the answer?

Bennett: charter schools and paying
good teachers a bonus

Gregory: what else?

Bennett: Fathers are important! Murphy Brown!

Gregory: should we get rid of the
Department of Education?

Smiley: the answer to America’s problems is not
demonizing teacher unions dammit!

Bennett: good parents and teachers and
coaches are good

Gregory: what should our students know?

Shalala: they need to be able to read and write

Gregory: I’m with you

Shalala: also critical thinking

Gregory: uh oh

Shriver: we need to teach kids to understand
their own feelings

Gregory: I’m feeling confused

Shriver: people need to be inspired!

Gregory: is character education important?

Smiley: sure it is but let me tell you something
Tom Friedman is wrong the world isn’t flat
- it’s tilted!

Bennett: jobs are outsourced not because of
low wages but because people in India are
better at math

Gregory: should college athletes be paid?

Shalala: No! And I feel very strongly about that!

Gregory: I love your passion Donna

Gregory: Who will the GOP nominee Bill?

Bennett: I’m still hoping Paul Ryan will get in the race

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - September 25, 2011

David Plouffe - Presidential Advisor
Austan Goolsbee - Fmr Obama Economic Advisor
Mohamed E-Erian - CEO Pimco
Chrystia Freeland
George Will

Amanpour: wow look at the newly combative Obama!

Plouffe: We need action Christiane! Now!

Amanpour: Harry Reid says there’s jam on the floor

Plouffe: But Boehner said Obama was jello

Amanpour: incredibly some Democrats don’t
like parts Obama’s jobs plan

Plouffe: it’s got tax cuts, new schools, fast trains
and fun for the whole family

Amanpour: John McCain’s economic advisor says
it’s only a band-aid

Plouffe: Well when you’re bleeding you use a
damn band-aid!

Amanpour: that’s technically true

Plouffe: it’s called the American Jobs Act -
who doesn’t like American jobs?

Amanpour: Bill Clinton and other rich people said
we shouldn’t raise taxes on the rich

Plouffe: it’s a question of fairness Christiane

Amanpour: I suppose

Plouffe: we’re cutting taxes for everyone but the rich
who take advantage of these ridiculous loopholes

Amanpour: is it time to panic?

Plouffe: No - that was a year ago

Amanpour: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Amanpour: Oh noes the Dow is down!!!

Audience: aayyyiiiieee

Amanpour: George you are an expert on
international economics

Will: Imagine if things were really bad - that’s what
we face in my imagination

Amanpour: wow

Will: the next recession is the fault of lazy
unionized Greeks

Goolsbee: Europe sucks - USA! USA!

El-Erian: the world finally staged an intervention
with Europe - it was on Bravo and very moving

Freeland: this is like 2008 - everyone knows an
economic collapse is coming but no one is doing
anything about it

Amanpour: what is going to happen in Europe
in two words?

Freeland: massive shrinkage

El-Erian: we need a Sputnik moment!

Will: let Greece fail!

Amanpour: but George that’s terrible

Will: the fucking Italians are going to bring
us all down - screw ‘em all

Freeland: you’re an idiot

Goolsbee: Europe’s banks have no assets -
only worthless mortgages and stolen Holocaust art

Amanpour: is the political system completely broken?

El-Erian: we are all in the back seat of a car driven
by politicians bickering on their iPhones instead
of watching the road

Amanpour: what if the Chinese stop not buying
our stuff

Freeland: the Chinese are freaked out by Tea Party

Amanpour: I know the feeling

Will: it takes real courage to admit that trying to
unify Europe was a bad idea - look at how
successful Europe was from 1914 - 1945

Goolsbee: The European Union has become a
Monty Python skit

Europe: We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune
but we take it in turns to act as a sort of executive
officer for the week but decisions of that officer
have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting

Amanpour: okay okay

El-Erian: we should fix housing, credit and growth

Amanpour: brilliant

Freeland: Businesses are rich but they won’t spend their money

Will: Barack Obama is persecuting Boeing

Amanpour: no one expects the Obama Inquisition!


Sunday, September 18, 2011

Meet The Press - September 18, 2011

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-TN)
Former President Bill Clinton
Former Gov. Jennifer Granholm (D-MI)
Helene Cooper
Alex Castellanos
Mark Halperin
Gregory: Obama has called for higher taxes
on millionaires

McConnell: I disagree - we need to coddle
millionaires in the middle of a recession

Gregory: but isn’t it fair for the rich to pay as
much as middle income Americans?

McConnell: Look Warren Buffet should send me
some money if he has too much of it

Gregory: I’m not sure that’s the issue Leader

McConnell: also we should means-test
Social Security

Gregory: interesting idea

McConnell: many poor small businesses pay
millionaire taxes

Gregory: oh those poor little businesses

Boehner: [on video]
we should not have a 'my way only’
attitude but instead only do what I want

Gregory: if you’re so worried about the deficit
why not raise taxes?

McConnell: we’re not opposed to raising taxes
by which I mean cutting taxes

Gregory: is your goal to not pass anything but
wreck the economy to make Obama a one-term President?

McConnell: not at all - we can agree that Obama
should do whatever we want

Gregory: Senator your party seems to cheer
killing a lot

Debate audience: Kill Baby Kill!

McConnell: Solyndra! Solyndra! Solyndra!

Gregory: has the GOP become a twisted
death cult?

McConnell: we have a saying in Tennessee
‘when a mule kicks you twice shoot it and kill it’

[ break ]

Gregory: Big Dog what can be enacted
in this climate?

Clinton: if you enact Obama’s bill you will have a
million jobs and families would get $1,500

Gregory: that’s boring

Clinton: well I doubt Republicans want it
to pass anyway

Gregory: taxing rich people like me would
be a disaster

Clinton: but Fluffy we still have a huge debt -
don’t you want to pay your share?

Gregory: no

Clinton: but you did well under the tax levels
when I was President

Gregory: does globalization hurt people?

Clinton: yes - but what if we could make it
work for everyone?

Gregory: that’s just crazy enough to work

Clinton: shared success and shared responsibility

Gregory: that’s catchy

Clinton: we’re seeing amazing
public - private parts

Gregory: Please bash Obama for me

Clinton: did you know we’ve been in a Depression
all this time?

Gregory: really?

Clinton: almost no one alive except for
John McCain is old enough to remember
the Great Depression

Gregory: that’s probably true

Clinton: but these are tough times but the President
has a plan that will work

Gregory: should the President panic?

Clinton: Fluffy if people want the government to
solve their problems they gotta let the
government solve their problems

Gregory: 1/3 of people have buyer’s remorse
over Hillary Clinton

Clinton: you know Fluffy I heard you were a moron

Gregory: can Obama be reelected?

Clinton: Obama has the GOP so freaked out they
are opposing their own policies

Gregory: they’re just following the polls

Clinton: conflict makes good politics but bad policy

Gregory: but conflict is fun!

Clinton: what do Silicon Valley, Carnegie-Mellon
and MIT have in common?

Gregory: all three have computers who could
do my job?

Clinton: government and business need work
together to create economic growth!

Gregory: what about Palestinian statehood?

Clinton: it won’t change the underlying reality
which is we need a negotiated solution

Gregory: good luck with the Clinton Global Initiative this week

Clinton: It isn’t luck you bubblehead

[ break ]

Gregory: Mark can the President can be reelected?

Halperin: yes - Obama is a dick but the GOP
are insane

Gregory: polls say people still blame the GOP
for our problems

Castellanos: yes but Obama is to blame for not
making the GOP behave like a good parent should

Gregory: Obama’s plan may not pass - doesn’t that
prove that he’s a failure?

Cooper: he’s daring the GOP to either pass it or
bear the blame for a bad economy

Gregory: Washington is not working so Obama
is a bad President

Granholm: we need a plan to turn the U.S. around
and tax cuts are not the answer

Castellanos: the GOP would never pass Obama’s
bill which proves Obama is a bad President

Gregory: the Obama White House is not a good
place for women - we need Bill Clinton again

Halperin: Obama is not a great Explainer In Chief

Gregory: yes he should call people a dick more

Halperin: I saw what you did there Greggers

Cooper: I saw Campaign Obama out again this
week and he might be getting his mojo back

Gregory: a Republican won in Brooklyn and Queens!

Castellanos: this district is a good reflection
of the whole nation - the Orthodox Jew lost
because he was not pro-Israel enough

Perry: Obama is a socialist Ponzi schemer!

Halperin: Romney will be the nominee because
this Perry guy is craaazeee

Granholm: we are in a War on Jobs

Gregory: so well said

Castellanos: Perry has shown great strength but
also shown he is scary and thoughtless

Gregory: is the U.S. afraid the vote for Palestinian
statehood will lead to war throughout the whole Middle East?

Cooper: yes

Gregory: really?

Cooper: no - but they are worried vetoing it would
make America look hypocritical

Gregory: oh that’s much worse

Cooper: now we should panic

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - September 18, 2011

Former President Bill Clinton
Michael Beschloss
Cokie Roberts
George Will
Jonathan Karl
Amanpour: good morning - which is more
dangerous Iran, or air shows?

Clinton: women!

Amanpour: Big Dog how can we get more jobs?

Clinton: We need to lower payroll taxes and find
a way to get corporations to give us some of their
vast gobs of money

Amanpour: I see

Clinton: also empower women and girls

Amanpour: that’s good

Amanpour: what is your message to
world leaders?

Clinton: get your heads out of your asses and
invest in people

Amanpour: unemployment is still too high

Clinton: so pass Obama’s plan!

Amanpour: we can’t do that

Clinton: also we need to fix housing

Amanpour: we can’t do that either

Clinton: I know

Amanpour: why don’t politicians in Washington
ever do anything?

Clinton: the American people elect too many assholes

Amanpour: interesting

Clinton: there are places in America where the
economy is growing and unemployment is low

Amanpour: why is that?

Clinton: because of government and for-profit
cooperation in biotech, silicon and killer robots

Amanpour: Mayor Bloomberg said we should plan
ahead for riots now

Clinton: Bloomberg also said we should build a
world-class research center

Amanpour: did he?

Clinton: conflict is good politics but cooperation
is good economics

Amanpour: Democrats lost a district in
Brooklyn and Queens

Clinton: I won it both times

Amanpour: so what happened?

Clinton: things change - did you know
Ed Koch is crazy now?

Amanpour: I did actually

Clinton: Lieberman too

Amanpour: how should we punish Palestinians
for seeking independence?

Clinton: the Secretary of State is doing an
awesome job!

Amanpour: she’s very nice

Clinton: the U.N. can’t impose a peace plan so
the whole debate is pointless

Amanpour: it seems like an intractable standoff

Clinton: the Middle East is a place of deep mistrust
and hate fueled by desperate fanatics who are
willing to commit acts of senseless destruction rather
than see the other side succeed

Amanpour: so it’s just like the U.S. Congress

Clinton: exactly

[ break ]

Amanpour: George is Obama a great President?

Will: no

Amanpour: thanks

Beschloss: Bobby Kennedy and LBJ were fighters
and Obama is not

Will: the proof is we didn’t get the Olympics

Roberts: Obama is not a big enough asshole to be
a truly great President

Karl: Obama has failed to turn Blue Dogs around

Will: Obama’s plan is take money from good rich
people and give it to bad poor people

Beschloss: Draft Hilary Clinton!

Roberts: omg that’s crazy

Beschloss: Politics is frequently irrational

Roberts: so are pundits

Amanpour: true

Roberts: if you give poor people money they
will save it - those selfish bastards

Amanpour: why did the Democrats lose a House
seat in New York City

Will: that district is full of Jews so crazy they
actually go to synagogue and also Archie Bunker
who would be a tea partier now

Amanpour: thanks for coming


Sunday, September 04, 2011

Meet The Press - September 4, 2011

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA)
Tom Friedman
Paul Gigot
Mark McKinnon
Doris Kearns Goodwin
former Capt. Joseph Kearns Goodwin

Gregory: we have zero job growth -
Happy Labor day!

Audience: [ golf clap ]

Gregory: will Congress pass an Obama
jobs package?

Audience: stranger things have happened but
only on the SyFy channel

Gregory: Palin might run and I’m excited!

Audience: oh boy

Gregory: Rick Perry and Mitt Romney are
also running but they’re boring

Gregory: greeting to my vacuous panel

Panel: hiya Greggers

Gregory: Tom what went with wrong
with America?

Friedman: we saw the end of the Cold War
as a victory - but we unleashed 2 billion competitors

Gregory: oh fuck

Friedman: the 1990s were a decade-long
victory party and then 9/11 happened and
we all got stupid

Gregory: I know all about that

Friedman: we used to be connected and
now we’re hyper and connected

Gregory: [ checks twitter ] sorry what?

Friedman: now we have Facebook, LinkedIn,
and all those vicious bloggers

Gregory: [ updates his MySpace profile ]

Friedman: When I wrote The World is Fat
Skype was a celebrity baby name and Angry Birds
were the pigeons I feed in the park

Gregory: [ logs onto his Google + ]

Friedman: the Greatest Generation were awesome
and then the Baby Boomers screwed it all up

Gregory: those damn dirty hippies

Gigot: if Obama wants to win the election
and please his base he can go all FDR on their asses

Gregory: sounds good

Gigot: or he can shock Republicans and
give them everything they want and flummox
them because they will have to say no as usual

Waters: Obama must have a bold jobs program

Gregory: how much Maxine?

Waters: a trillion dollars Fluffy!

McKinnon: the Tea Party have gone totally
insane which proves we need No Lapels

Gregory: indeed Obama is a disappointment

Goodwin: Obama should confound the GOP
by offering to cut taxes for the rich and raise
them on the poor

Gregory: but Republicans think government
sucks so they should be in charge of it

Gigot: people think the government is failing
to create jobs so it shouldn’t try

Friedman: Employers wants employees who
can adapt to whole new world every three months

Gregory: that would be useful

Friedman: we can’t stimulate our way out of
this crisis - we need to imagine our way out

Gregory: I imagine marrying a billionaire helps a lot

Friedman: it doesn’t suck

Gregory: so how do we win the future?

Friedman: Education is the key

Waters: Cities are cutting back school
to four days a week!

Gregory: Long weekends are the best

Waters: African-American unemployment
is going to go up to 20%

Gregory: that’s interesting Maxine -
but government sucks

McKinnon: Obama could have saved America
by slashing Medicare but he didn’t and
that makes me sad

Goodwin: Government is teachers and
police officers and the military

Norquist: drown ‘em all in a bathtub!

Goodwin: why do these politicians want to
run the government if they hate it so much?

Friedman: we just had the worst decade
in American history because we didn’t invest
in infrastructure and education

Gigot: People liked government under Reagan
because he did less and did it well

Gregory: I think people would have loved the
Iraq war if hadn’t been such an incredible fuck up

Friedman: that’s a keen insight Fluffy

Gregory: a nine-year old asked Perry who
his favorite superhero is and he said Superman
because he cut taxes and saved America

Gigot: Perry wants to be President and make
government irrelevant and I think he can do it

McKinnon: Romney is Richie Cunningham
and Perry is the Fonz

Gregory: Aaaayyyyyy

McKinnon: Perry created lots and lots of jobs

Waters: evil government jobs!

Gregory: I love Sarah Palin

Friedman: she would destroy the country

Gregory: but she’s fun

Friedman: iPhones have replaced
functioning human beings

Goodwin: Perry’s ideas are insane but
he’s got jazz hands

Gregory: Maxine you said the Tea Party
can go to hell and that wasn’t very nice

Waters: hey white man - people out there are desperate for jobs and we keep bailing
out banks and sending awesome call center
jobs out of the country

Gregory: but we need moderation and compromise

Gigot: Elections are about fighting and there’s
nothing wrong with that

McKinnon: no the stakes are too high -
we need the parties to work together and enact
right-wing policies

Greg: [ snaps fingers ] Mitt Romeny sparks!

Goodwin: yeah the days of rugged individuals
and robber barons were awesome

Friedman: we need to stand on our heads and
seize the thrust from below

Waters: who is this stupid white man?

Gregory: he’s Tom Friedman

Waters: well he’s a complete idiot

Gregory: and that’s Meet The Press

[ break ]

Gregory: so what’s your story Joe?

JK Goodwin: I graduated college and
joined the army on September 12, 2001

Gregory: but you went to Harvard -
why join the army which is for the little people

JK Goodwin: I felt I had led very privileged life
and wanted to give back to America

DK Goodwin: as a historian I think he
saw amazing things

JK Goodwin: People were ready to sacrifice
on 9/11 and we put the wars on a credit card

DK Goodwin: everyone pitched in during WWII
and felt they had contributed to the victory and
we don’t have that now

Gregory: when Osama bin Laden was killed
that was awesome

JK Goodwin: on 9/11 we learned as a generation that
the world is dangerous

Gregory: true enough

JK Goodwin: 9/11 was a defining moment
but it does not have define us

Gregory: Joseph imma let you finish but
David Petraeus was one of the best generals
of all time! 9/11 next Sunday yo! Me and my peeps
Lester Holt and T-Brokaw will be all over that!

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - September 4, 2011

Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC)
Jonathan Karl
Clarence Page
Dana Loesch
Michael Gerson
Amanpour: wow there is a tropical storm
in New Orleans

Reporter: yes the levees are holding
[ fingers crossed ]

Amanpour: the 2012 Presidential campaign
is in overdrive!

Audience: oh noe

Amanpour: Jim DeMint is a Tea Party Senator
- good morning Jim

DeMint: Hi Christiane

Amanpour: what do you think about Rick Perry?

DeMint: I need to wait for several months
to see who is really crazy and then I will
make my endorsement

Amanpour: that’s very prudent

DeMint: You can’t be too careful Diane

Amanpour: Rick Perry endorsed Al Gore in 1988

DeMint: yes but Reagan was a Democrat before
God told him to cut taxes and build a missile
shield in outer space

Amanpour: Perry says Social Security is a
bad disease and bad medicine is what we need

DeMint: most people know Social Security
must be saved by getting rid of it

Amanpour: do you like future President
Rick Perry or not?

DeMint: I like that he brings the crazy but
that might not be enough

Amanpour: Can Mitt Romney earn the
endorsement of Tea Party?

DeMint: the Tea Party is the best thing that’s
ever happened to America because it’s a
grassroots movement that discovered in January
of 2009 corporate taxes are too high

Amanpour: what about Obama’s address to
Congress next week?

DeMint: I’m very frustrated with speeches -
he needs to come to Congress and offer ideas

Amanpour: I see

DeMint: To end the recession we must crack
down on unions

Amanpour: Is that right?

DeMint: I’m not interested in some speech by
some guy who thinks he’s important just because
he’s acts like he’s President or something

Amanpour: thanks for coming Jim

[ break ]

Amanpour: what about Rick Perry?

Karl: the opposition research file is as thick
as a phone book

Gerson: he supported TARP and doesn’t think
people should vote for Senators

Amanpour: is he a fake candidate like
Bachmann or real like Huntsman

Gerson: he’s real, savvy and good looking

Amanpour: he hates Social Security and
87% of people like it

Loesch: it is very popular but we need to get the
government out of Social Security

Amanpour: does he have any weaknesses
with the Tea Party?

Loesch: He’s soft on Big Giant Fence

Page: Rick Perry says get government hands
off my Social Security!

Amanpour: that’s compelling

Page: he calls Social Security a Ponzi scheme
but he wants to invest your retirement money
in the stock market

Karl: Perry raised taxes!

Gerson: Republicans are still unhappy with their
choices so they are looking to Chris Christie
to save them

Amanpour: Palin! Palin! Palin!

Karl: She’s running and I’m squeeing!!

Amanpour: Dana is that scary or hopeful to you?

Loesch: she is bit batty but with the GOP anything
can and probably will happen

Amanpour: who would you like to see get the nomination?

Loesch: this election is a referendum on the
Republican party - will they stick with the
tired old liberalism of George W. Bush or
nominate a real staunch conservative?

Amanpour: holy crap