Sunday, December 21, 2008

Meet the Press - December 21, 2008

Host: David Gregory
Sec. of State Condi Rice
Andrea Mitchell
Erin Burnett
Michelle Norris
Gregory: Holy shit Bush said he wanted to be humble and not arrogant!! Were you out of your fucking minds??

Rice: well who among us has not completely fucked everything up for seven straight years??

Gregory: um are you serious?

Rice: people who say Africans and Arabs aren't capable of democracy or don't deserve rights are arrogant

Gregory: who are those people

Rice: the live in a box under my bed

Gregory: so to fight their arrogance we must bomb and torture innocent people

Rice: exactly

Gregory: Holy shit Bush said he wanted to be humble and not arrogant!! Were you out of your fucking minds??

Rice: well who among us has not completely fucked everything up for seven straight years??

Gregory: um are you serious?

Rice: people who say Africans and Arabs aren't capable of democracy or don't deserve rights are arrogant

Gregory: who are those people

Rice: the live in a box under my bed

Gregory: so to fight their arrogance we must bomb and torture innocent people

Rice: exactly

Gregory: you foreign policy sucked

Rice: well it's hard its not easy like being the best ice skater in Alabama

Gregory: any regrets

Rice: didn't stop genocide in Sudan

Gregory: so why didn't we do it?

Rice: well Bush thought about it?

Gregory: when?

Rice: on the 17th hole at Pebble Beach

Rice: hey we tried to stop genocide but we can't do much after all we're not members of the international criminal court

Gregory: because Bush refused to join

Rice: oh well sure

Gregory: so first Rwanda and now Darfur

Rice: yeah but we stopped Saddam's genocide in Iraq

Gregory: when was that?

Rice: in 1986

Gregory: when Rumsfeld shook his hand

Rice: never heard of him

Gregory: Iraqis are throwing shoes at Bush

Rice: yeah but Bush was standing next to our puppet regime!

Gregory: you say you are proud of screwing up in Iraq and would do 1,000 times over

Rice: oh well you have to take the long view the 9/11 hijackers came from there

Gregory: no they didn't

Rice: forget it i'm rolling

Gregory: ok

Rice: hey they're friends with Kuwait and Egypt now

Gregory: Egypt where Al Qaeda is from

Rice: exactly

Gregory: the President demanded optimism

Rice: that's true but it was fun we were all like mary tyler moore in Ordinary People

Gregory: tight lipped forced cheefulness

Rice: right we must never give in to pessimism and hand wringing

Gregory: is that why Laura looks like that?

Rice: I don't know about their family issues

Gergory: It sounds like a psychological mess

Rice: yeah but in 50 years things might get better

Gergory: what guidance did Bush tell you when Iraq was a total disaster?

Rice: he said he believed in freedom

Gergory: so he's just a moronic child

Rice: you have no idea

Gergory: now that I have one last chance to interview Condi Rice - let me bash the the Clintons

Rice: hee hee hee

Gregory: let's play hopscotch

Rice: i was alabama state hopscotch champion

Gregory: of course

Gergory: now that I have one last chance to interview Condi Rice - let me bash the the Clintons

Rice: hee hee hee

Gregory: let's play hopscotch

Rice: i was alabama state hopscotch champion

Gregory: of course

Gregory: how can you trust the north koreans

Rice: hey we were very resolute for 5 years

Gregory: then they built a bomb

Rice: no it was a crude nuclear device

Rice: we tested the korean soil

Gregory: ok ok you failed to stop Iran from building a bomb as well

Rice: no we were proved fucking right after all we sounded the nuclear bomb alarm and no one believed us

Gregory: and Iran now has influence in Iraq

Rice: yes but they failed to rule Iraq so that proves we won

Gregory: Obama won!

Rice: yes it says something about slavery as America's birth defect

Gregory: were you rooting for Obama

Rice: of course he's light years better than McCain

Gregory: what's next for you

Rice: I'm going to relive the glory days of 9/11 and talk about our lack of innocence and our need to invade other countries and torture people

Gregory: I'm sure your book will further that endeavor

Rice: I want to talk about how anyone can grow up to a disastous secretary of state if they are willing to tell drunken white privileged frat boys whatever they want to hear about how their dicks are bigger than some arab strong man

Gregory: well thanks very much for coming Condi it's been quite a ride

Rice: [ sobs ]

Gregory: car bailout?

Burnett: Republicans found a solution - kill unions - Obama should also take on unions to prove is independence

Norris: Obama has this crazy plan to build roads an schools and hospitals

Gregory: whacky!

Norris: Obama will have a lot of power for a liberals who hates economics

Gregory: can we incentivize the plan going forward?

Burnett: the core problem is we must reinflate the bubble!

Gregory: Blago says he is guilty... guilty of being adorable!!!

Marin: he's the son of a steelworker and quotes Kipling and he believes this shit

Gregory: wow

Marin: it's on baby -- Fitz vs. Blago!

Mitchell: this is crazy Illinois can't have a senator as long as Fitz is going after Blago

Gergory: so Balgo should appoint Fitz to the Senate

Mitchell: brilliant!

Marin: Daley said Blago should appoint Daley

Gregory: brilliant!

Marin: this is a 76 page charge he's screwed

Gregory: how fucked is Obama

Norris: it's tough he's innnocent because Obama told the truth but people didn't hear it

Gregory: because the american people have a hearing problem

Norris: right the media like dogs cannot hear high pitched sounds or the truth

Marin: the new standard is Obama must rush to the police any negotiations with Blago

Gregory: Caroline Kennedy ate at motherfuckin' Sylvia's!

Mitchell: fuck!

Gregory: she couldn't answer if Israel should negotiate with Hamas!

Mitchell: she won't support a non-existent democratic mayor for new york!

Gregory: wow!

Mitchell: don't fuck with Andrew Cuomo!

Gregory: let my quote Charles Manson and Krauthammer

Burnett: yeah but democrats Corzine and Bloomberg bought their senate seats!

Mitchell: what the fuck is Krauthammer's problem?? - it's an appointment!!

Gregory: Bloomberg says it's aristocratic

Mitchell: the billionaire who wants a third term???

Gregory: look at bernie madoff - if you can't trust a white man who can you trust??

Burnett: no one!

Gregory: John McCain was right Chris Cox should be fired!

Mitchell: all hail John McCain - but Bill Clinton is also to blame

Gregory: Obama's cabinet has not radical muslims!

Marin: it's too bad

Norris: a lot Westerners

Mitchell: it's fucking brainpowered meritocracy

Gregory: best and brightest

Burnett: it's all about jobs and labor - he's got fuck over the unions

Gregory: wow!

The Chris Matthews Show - December 20, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
December 21, 2008
Matthews: OMG Obama is trying to control his press coverage!

Heileman: they're leak hunting and he media love them for it!

Cooper: they're tardy and tight lipped!

Tweety: wow

Cooper: they're cheating by speaking to the unamerican people

Matthews: in 4 months the media will turn on Obama - i got the memo from Mark Halperin

Klein: yeah i got that one too

Klein: Obama is a bad guy cause he wants to talk about issues and not irrelevant shit

Matthew: ha! we found his weak spot!

Kay: the media turned on Bush just because thousands of americans died

Matthews: when should we be combative and when should we fellate presidents?

Cooper: why not hold them accountable all the time?

Matthew: i thought maybe it was be nice to republicans and mean to democrats

Klein: no we need to be confrontational about stuff that matters

Matthews: that's crazy

Heileman: people hate the media and love bloggers

Tweety: oh noes!

Kay: Obama is sleazy cause we can trust his press secretary

Klein: Obama doesn't need us

Tweety: demit

Tweety: OMG this reporter DID have a follow-up!

[ multiple shoe throwing ]

Tweety: take that dan rather and brit hume! ha!

Matthews: Caroline Kennedy!

Klein: Hillary is a wonk!

Heileman: She's shy and she's in Obamamania!

Matthews: we must reduce all politicians to empty cliches!

Cooper: you guys are all idiots

[ everyone interrupts shouting ]

Matthews: let's face it it's all about war and peace

Kay: well then hillary was wrong

Klein: she's an amateur and i hate her and she's a girl

Kay: she's lame

Matthews: maybe we should consider that helen cooper is right and we are all idiots

Heileman: me no think like that

Klein: is gud kwestun

Kay: I'm hearing rumors that the ruling Arab families prefer Republicans

Twety: wow!

Klein: Me no like UN in Afghanistan

Cooper: Obama can't find a CIA director because the liberal bloggers hate anyone tainted by torture

Matthews: there are liberal blogger spies

Heileman: liberals like Solis and green shit

Matthews: those crazy liberals!

Tweety: OMG Obama is going to be tested by a fake international crisis!

Kay: i predict we won't be able to predict it!

Klein: Dood the crisis is the financial crisis

Cooper: Obama is studying a world map and calling general and reading Ghost Wars

Tweety: he's renting Ghostbusters?

Heileman: Obama has ice in his veins and the dude is fucking ready

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Meet the Press - December 14, 2008

Meet the Press
December 14, 2008
Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan
Illinois Lt. Gov. Pat Quinn
Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm
Former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney
Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina
Wal-Mart President & CEO Lee Scott
Google CEO Eric Schmidt


Gregory: Will Balgo quit?

Madigan: either that or commit self defenestration

Gregory: the guy needs money

Quinn: as the lt. governor i hope he quits

Gregory: how objective of you

Gregory: but you're hardly objective

Madigan: fuck you

Gregory: but you want to be senator!

Madigan: watch it Gregory i have recordings of you too

Gregory: like what?

Madigan: you dancing with Karl Rove

Gregory: what knd of guy is Blago is like a good bad guy

Quinn: he's like a blundering crook in a ripoff of Pulp Fiction or Bottle Rocket

Gregory: interesting

Quinn: i like democracy but hey

Gregory: special election

Madigan: we are America's Taint

Gregory: OMG Rahm once had contacts with the Governor of his home state!!!

Todd: um so fucking what

Gregory: it's a huge scandal!

Todd: could be

Mitchell: it's huge!!!

Gregory: how is this a scandal?

Mitchell: because Rahm didn't have Jesse Jackson on his list

Gregory: holy shit!!

Todd: let's gossip more

Mitchell: pay to play is part of life

Gregory: like chuck schumer!

Todd: what's his crime then

Mitchell: he got caught

Gregory: does this ever happen in Washington?

Todd: yes chuck schumer!!!

Gregory: we won in Iraq just as Bush is leaving!

Todd: it's exciting

Gregory: People love Obama!

Todd: that was before Obama appoint Blago Secretary of Stealing

Gregory: why did the bailout fail?

Granholm: because Republicans hate working people

David: why else?

Granholm: the GOP hates America

Romney: Frankly we want all those companies to thrive

David: and how do we do that

Mitt: kill all those unions

Romney: even liberals like Jack Welch is against the bailout!

David: well I'm sold

Granholm: other countries subisidize health care you idiot

Mitt: not here they don't

Granholm: liar

Mitt: Legacy costs!

David: what are those?

Mitt: Elderly people eating Fancy Feast instead of Friskies

Gregory: isn't the real problem that American cars suck?

Walmart Guy: people are buying frozen food at Sam's Club

David: the Economy is in Total Suck Mode

Fiorina: oh pshaw its just a deepening recession

David: oh ok

Carly: the problem is rich unions ignoring the little guy

Gregory: explain the economy to me Mitt

Romney: Bush has lost 11 trillion dollars

Gregory: where did it go?

Romney: China and Saudi Arabia

Gregory: what's answer?

Romney: cut taxes and raise government spending

Gregory: but you are a conservative!

Romney: yes i hate it but i support military spending which at least will not help poor people

Walmart Guy: more Americans are drinking heavily, taking drugs and eating leftovers

Gregory: and that's just the Bush family

Google guy: America has sunshine!

Gregory: what are people looking for on the Internet?

Google CEO: people are searching for "discounts" "saving money" and "fuck george w bush"

Granholm: let the dirt fly!

Carly: business taxes are too high!

Gregory: wow let me put on my serious monkey face

Gregory: Should the government insure the value of overpriced McMansions??

Walmart Guy: um okay

Granholm: we should retrain auto workers to weatherize houses and empty bedpans

Gregory: awesome

Romney: Fuck George Bush what is waiting for??

Greory: uh i thought you like him

Romney: no we need to jump start the economy! Now!

Google Guy: i would rather live in a Depression in the US than well in Europe

Gregory: job security and gelato - who needs it??

Walmart Guy: that's right - this is no time to be self-serving -- that's why we reached out to Obama and pushed for tax cuts for businesses

Gregory: what do you want for xmas?

Granholm: an auto bailout, access to credit, consumer confidence and an Easy Bake Oven

Fiorina: consumer credit, banks lending to auto companies and a malibu barbie

Google dude: solar energy and a GI Joe

Romney: economic stimulus and an air rifle

Walmart Guy: Wal Mart moms spending more on crappy stuff and a tonka truck

The Chris Matthews Show - December 14, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
December 14, 2008

Matthews: OMG LBJ was just the man to happify a gloomy nation!!

Robinson: ha!

Matthews: people love Obama!!!

Mitchell: what's not to like!?!

Robinson: fuck the haters

Ceci C: what is Obama hiding?

Tweety: yeah!

Ceci: why hasn't Obama made peace between India and Pakistan

Sullly: oh yeah the tapes exonerate him never mind that Ceci

Ceci: but but but we are talking about it ergo Obama is a bad man!

Mitchell: yes Obama is a bad man because he is from Illinois!

Matthews: why does the Left hate Obama???

Sullly: he's not gay enough

Matthews: the Left!

Sullly: the Left hates torture

Matthews: give me an example

Sullly: your tv show

Ceci CCC: there are signs that Obama is not naive green or wet behind the ears

Mitchell: Teddy K and Daschle are trying to save their legacy

Sullly: just shovel it all at the right make them eat shit

Tweety: he reallly is a Kenyan Centrist

Mitchell: Republicans are buying into bailouts - they have really changed

Sullly: no they were always hypocrites Andrea

Tweety: that's true

Ceci: the real GOP hates deficits

Robinson: yes both Republicans left in America feel that way

Sully: Rush Limbaugh will obstruct efforts to crush Oxy

Matthews: how can we make fun of Obama ??

Robinson: he's black, he's cool, and he's awesome

Tweety: can he be funnny

Sullly: he's to dull

Tweety: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Sully: he's not flawed enough

Mitchell: he won't sleep with me

Sullly: that's just good taste

Robinson: don't worry he will stumble

Tweety: i hope so!

Ceci: Rove will lead the fight against Holder

Matthews: wow

Robinson: Obama can't decide whether to swear in on a Koran or not

Mitchell: US will send Jonny Depp to get Pirates!! Arrrr!!!

Sullly: Obama will set up a Truth Commission to investigate torture

Tweety: in the Justice Dept ??

Sully: no in public you idiot

Matthews: OMG I love Dinah Shore

Robinson: i love the Jersey Shore

Ceci: i like hybrids

Matthews: like Obama

Gene: my little red corvette

Mitchell: i had a corvair

Tweety: no wonder Nader hates you

Andrea: no that's because i wouldn't sleep with him

Sullly: gay people are not allowed to drive in america

Tweety: '57 Chevy!

Monday, December 08, 2008

Meet the Press - December 7, 2008

December 7, 2008
President-Elect Barack Obama
David Gregory

Brokaw: Welcome Obama -- now tell us what really unpopular things are you going to have to do??

Obama: I'm going to do not just short term fun things but long term boring shit like bridges and repaving roads and medical records on your iPod

Brokaw: warp speed!

Obama: photon topedoes!

Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??

Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed

Tom: orsome

Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!

Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail

Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time

Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??

Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed

Tom: orsome

Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!

Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail

Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time

Brokaw: but pointing fingers is fun!

Obama: i have a crazy idea - maybe they can make a fuel efficient car people actually want

Brokaw: Should Jack Welch be out Car Czar?

Obama: let me answer the question this way -- Tom that is so fucking stupid only you could ask it

Brokaw: help me out here - what else can we do but put a White Man in Charge??

Obama: Tom look I like white dudes - my grandfather was a white man - but haven't white guys stolen enough tax money for one generation??

Tom: What about the current management in Detroit?

Obama: Dumbest bunch of white guys north of 14th street

Obama: I'm hoping to introduce a new ethic in businenss where the first priority is not steal everything not nailed down

Brokaw: how about taxing gasoline - get money and promote better behavior?

Obama: good idea but people have lost their jobs so it's not like the worker is whopping it up big time right now

Brokaw: but lazy americans!

Obama: should change their light bulbs

Brokaw: Mortgages!

Obama: I'm disappointed that Stupid isn't doing anything on this issue

Brokaw: he's busy doing interviews saying he's sad Sadddam Hussein attacked Pearl Harbor

Obama: well anyway I think we need to get banks and homeowners together and admit they both fucked up

Brokaw: did you call Stupid and tell him you are mad at him?

Obama: i tried but I called during "Heroes" and he hung up on me

Brokaw: what about all Americans trying to get a piece of the bailout pie

Obama: sure but first we have to put out the housing fire and reinflate the bubble!

Brokaw: so from now on no more misbehavior

Obama: right party is over - starting after the bailout

Brokaw: Please tell me you are not really going to raise taxes on middle class people making $200,000 year

Obama: i was going to cut taxes

Brokaw: that's not what i heard

Obama: i want to go to the tax rates of the '90s

Brokaw: the 1890s??

Obama: no Tom

Brokaw: dammit

Brokaw: you are engaging in class warfare

Obama: so who doens't love war

Brokaw: good point

Obama: poor people make less as America grows rich

Brokaw: Biden said paying taxes is patriotic - he can't mean that

Obama: hey it turns out greed and stealing isn't good for anyone

Brokaw: but it sure is fun!

Obama: Usury isn't really profitable

Brokaw: well that's a damm shame

Brokaw: is India in hot pursuit?

Obama: there are spicy terrorist across the border

Brokaw: kill kill!

Obama: i want to a foresighted three dimension foreign policy

Brokaw: ok dood - how many civillians are going to kill?

Obama: I'm going to write a number on this piece of paper and slip it over to you...

Brokaw: Will you appoint a Curry Czar?

Obama: well Hilllary and Susan and Joe and Jim and I don't need any help thanks

Brokaw: will you disppoint liberals by staying in Iraq please

Obama: I will wait until i am sworn in and then start to design a plan will haeve in it the beginning of a possibility of an eventual draw-down

Brokaw: ok um what

Obama: create a mechanism of ensuring that terrorism will not occur while refocusing on Afghanistan...

Brokaw: how do we win in Afghanistan

Obama: fight better battles and make peace between India and Pakistan and also make Afghanistan a nice place to live

Brokaw: oh is that all

Obama: dude only defeatists say it can't be done

Brokaw: but the killing!

Obama: we'll kill Osama

Brokaw: But we should stay forever!

Obama: oh wow you really are dumb

Brokaw: but we're white and we're here to help

Obama: uh-huh

Brokaw: Iraq Residual Force - 50,000??

Obama: Could be

Brokaw: how many

Obama: we'll leave a force of 20,000 ferrets

Brokaw: oh noes

Brokaw: will you meet with Iran?

Obama: yes but they are unacceptable so we will send them carrots and sticks

Brokaw: Iran is so mean!

Obama: sure but we have to be sensible and use our allies so dudes we can do this the easy way or the hard way

Brokaw: Russia

Obama: they are like Alaska - oil money has made the leaders there fucking crazy

Brokaw: Caroline Kennedy in the Senate?

Obama: you think I want to get involved in NY politics? Momma didn't raise no fool Tom

Brokaw: but it's fun

Obama: hey i like competent people

Brokaw: well you are different

Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs

Tom: Holy Shit the Hawaii Axis has begun

Obama: he covered up my birth certificate so he deserves it

Tom: but he said we would need 500,000 troops in Iraq

Obama: And he was proved fucking right

Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs

Tom: what kind of artists will you have in white house?

Obama: for a change i will celebrate science and jazz and learning and culture and poetry

Tom: motherfucker do you hate America??

Tom: have you stopped smoking

Obama: yes but i have fallen off the wagon

Tom: like when

Obama: right after this interview i'm going to get high

Tom: holy shit

Obama: suck it Tom - I'm the motherfucking President

Tom: Dancin Dave you have taking over a national institution

Gregroy: for the last few months we've had a normal person at Meet The Press - thank god our national nightmare is over

Tom: it's important for the whole nation to have a suck up dancing fool hosting this show

Gregory: you had relatively few stupid gotcha questions for Obama i was disappointed

Tom: well I'm new

David: this is a national treasure so we must ask idiotic questions and preen about how wonderful we are

Tom: try to write at least one book about how your father raised a terrific son

David: oh sure

Tom: well good luck I'm off to Montana

David: bye bye old man

Tom: warble warble

Gregroy: [ sniff ]

I'm miss that speech-impedified old doofus

The Chris Matthews Show - December 7, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
December 7, 2008

Matthews: OMG my 401k is in the hands of a black man!!

Heileman: The Man is fucking amazing and we all agree America is fucked

Mitchell: The Man is competent and can speak well

Matthews: we we wanted change and we're getting it

Kernan: Wall Street of course hates the liberal black man who wants to raise taxes but we have no choice but to back this guy - Jack Welch is a fucking socialist

Kernan: we need the B-52s to stimulate us

Tweety: Love Shack!

Parker: i love the way Obama challenged the people and calloused our hands

Kernan: We have to spend a quadrillion dollars!!

Heileman: all we have to do is fix teh economy, war, health care, and energy

Tweety: oh is that all

Tweety: how will we pay for all this

Mitchell: obama will just tap into his internet fundraisers

Kernan: liberal bloggers will save us all

Tweety: Magic Bloggers!

Heileman: the housing crisis is everyone's fault because I bought a big apartment on 75th street but Detroit is bad!

Parker: their cars fucking suck

Tweety: when does Obama's failed presidency begin?

Parker: one year

Kernan: there won't be one - The Man is going to succeed

Mitchell: 9-12 months

Tweety: when does he fail??? When does Obama expire like a milk carton. When does Obama lose his new car smell??

Heileman: six months

Tweety: OMG let's make fun of Joe Biden!!!

Parker: ha!

Mitchell: ha ha

Heileman: hee hee hee

Tweety: OMG Hillary Clinton is back in the news!!!

Matthews: who will sleep with Obama - Biden or Clinton??

Mitchell: Jim Jones - he's better looking!

Heileman: Biden turned down Sec of State and he chose Hillary!

Matthews: but that destroys my whole theory!!

Parker: well Tweety you are an idiot

Tweety: ha!

Mitchell: he's known for his domestic policy not foreign policy anyway

Matthews: you blew my mind!

Parker: hispanics want more latinos!

Kernan: Turkey's can't fly!

Mitchell: Paterson is going to appoint Caroline Kennedy!

Heileman: david brooks says Obama is finally going to a appoint a non-liberal at Education!

Tweety: wow!

Tweety: OMG what about Bill Clinton!!

Parker: he should have low key affairs

Kernan: Hillary's svengolly

Mitchell: He's now locked into the Obama legacy

Heileman: he feels guilty about not helping Hillary and so he will reach out to the black community by playing golf at restricted country clubs

Tweety: blacks only!?!?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Meet the Press with Lieberman, Daley & Baker - November 23, 2008

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The Chris Matthews Show - November 23, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
November 23, 2008

Matthews: OMG we have a black president!!!

Kay: i know!!!

Matthews: But Obama isn't an obstinate rich selfish shortsighted greedy unintelligent asshole!!

Woodward: well we have some flaws

Tweety: why is Stupid so stupid?

Woodward: he doesn't like homework

Matthews: why did fancy elitists vote for President elect Smarty pants?

Borger: Obama will fail unless he listens to the guts of david broder

Gregory: Obama got lucky becaue Bush's gut was full of shit

Kay: the people of world are still dancing in the streets over the election

Matthews: what about America's friends and allies

Kay: those ARE America's allies

Tweety: what is different from Bush to Obama?

Woodward: first of all Obama isn't a congential liar

Matthews: but i like to be lied to!

Woodward: Emission Accomplished

Gregory: The Failed Obama Presidency will be more realistic - which is a real bummer

Matthews: Government has been evil since 1976

Borger: that was before Katrina, Detroit, the Wall Street bailout

Matthews: the war was underfunded so that was small government

Gregory: Wall Street and Government have no leaders now

Matthews: I have Daddy Issues!!!

Kay: Tell me something I don't know!!

Matthews: fucking Joe Lieberman got rewarded!

Borger: the american people love Joe

Tweety: Obama's naive!

Kay: he's a fucking Vulcan

Woodward: that green blooded, inhuman

Tweety: OMG!

Kay: really Tweety you must learn to govern your passions they will be your undoing

Woodward: look at all the Clinton people he brought in oh noes

Matthews: you said the word 'Clinton' ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Woodward: ha ha ha ha ha

Tweety: Bill! ha ah ha ha ha

Matthews: Stupid is going crazy i love it!

Gregory: he is so classy, he wears the trappings of the Presidency so well

Kay: you two need a team of psychiatrists - i mean from Vienna

Matthews: OMG Hillary is a threat to the next President!!!!

Kay: idiot

Matthews: so Obama is threatened!

Borger: no….

Matthews: so she IS a threat!

Kay: Tweety you're not making any sense

Woodward: Bill and Hillary can't control each other!

Tweety: Ha!

Bob: Bill and Hillary will share the world

Woodward: The World is Not Enough

Gregory: They need to co-opt Bill Clinton

Kay: Wily Arabs will not trust a woman

Woodward: Hillary will emasculate Joe Biden

Tweety: [ crosses legs ]

Tweety: tell me some news!

Woodward: the NSA Advisor will be Jim Jones

Tweety: he didn't drink the Iraq Kool aid!

Borger: GOP will lose Michigan

Gregory: Obama will fail in the middle east!

Matthews: who will get a pardon from Stupid?

Kay: Scooter and Stevens

Woodward: Neither

Borger: Scooter

Gregory: Stevens

Matthews: Scooter!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

60 Minutes - Interview with Barack Obama - November 16, 2008

60 Minutes
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Barack Obama
Michelle Obama

Kroft: are you still awesome?

Obama: i am now i get sleep late like a real president

Kroft: now you get to take it easy like Reagan and Bush

Obama: indeed

Kroft: what the hell have you gotten into

Obama: i am completely calm

Kroft: dude you are otherwordly

Kroft: so what's up

Obama: arming and defending the Empire

Kroft: what else

Obama: propping up this failed economy

Kroft: do you talk to Beaker about his $700 billion

Obama: hey did you ever see Brewster's Millions it's hard to give away that much money

Kroft: the CRAP program hasn't accomplished anything

Obama: hey you could see people selling apple cores in the streets

Kroft: will anything get better when you are president

Obama: i want people to stay in the overpriced homes they can't afford

Kroft: are you giving Beaker orders

Obama: let's just say he's getting the message Chicago style

Kroft: what's that?

Obama: a deep dish pizza wrapped in newspaper

Kroft: he sleeps with the anchovies

Obama: [ finger on nose ]

Kroft: Should we let GM fail like it's about to?

Obama: no these are extraordinary circumstances

Kroft: what are those?

Obama: I'm about to be President and need Michigan votes

Kroft: gas is cheap now so we can forget about greening right

Obama: oh no in Al Gore is getting thin we live in a different world

Kroft: should we keep our financial system?

Obama: indeed time for Pitchforks

Kroft: Close Gitmo?

Obama: indeed also no torture

Kroft: how about leaving the hellhole of iraq

Obama: just as soon as we can

Kroft: and when will you catch Osama?

Obama: dood I'm not President yet!

Kroft: dood the whole world is waiting you to fix 8 years of bullshit

Kroft: you spoke to Hillary

Obama: she's a smart lady

Kroft: Republicans in the cabinet?

Obama: if I can find one non-lunatic

Kroft: who are reading?

Obama: I am very humble i'd like to compare myself to Lincoln now

Kroft: not FDR?

Obama: him too - but I'm better looking
Kroft: why FDR?

Obama: he projected optimism and hard work and caring and that's what I want to do

Kroft: dood you must be new to washignton

Obama: new new new deal

Kroft: how will that work

Obama: it will be like the 30s but without the hats

Kroft: will you be eloquent like Stupid

Obama: fuck that - I will accomplish shit

Kroft: that's radical

Obama: but the President must communicate and i think like JFK i can do that

Kroft: you are extremely cool

Obama: yes dude I know

Kroft: when did you realize you are the President?

Obama: I'm what?!?! Oh shit!!

Michelle: i said wow I'm finally proud of America

Kroft: what were you thinking

M. Obama: i said my god 100,000 people are cheering you a black guy named Hussein

B. Obama: i have a black mother in law and she said well maybe my daughter made an ok choice after all

Obama: it was a sign of progress and core decency of the people - although i gambled that people aren't racists and it worked

Kroft: awesome

Obama: i slept in and Michelle and the girls got up early

Michelle: the girls are embarrased by their dorky dad

Kroft: you lived in a one room college dorm

Michelle: it was disgusting

Obama: it was bachelor pad man it rocked!

[ high fives Kroft ]

Kroft: [ high fives ]

Kroft: how freaky are Stupid and the Joker

Michelle: are crazy as you can imagine

Michelle Obama: i imagine kids and dogs

Barack: and sleepovers

Kroft: bill clinton had those

Michelle Obama: Barack will be home and i will be close by

Kroft: when i met you first two years ago you were hanging around with idiots like Culture of Truth

Obama: i ditched that dood

Michelle: he's fucking crazy

Obama: for the girls we need an era of normalcy

Kroft: like War on Harding

M. Obama: it's all back to normal

Barack: no i can't go for a walk without being with weird guys in suits carrying machine guns

Kroft: so just like Tony Soprano

Kroft: when will Michelle take over public policy

M. Obama: hey we've learned this year if Palin and Hillary can run for President then so can i

B. Obama: now you see why i married her

Kroft: did you seriously consider a public school?

Obama: we still are

Kroft: but there are [stage whisper ] *black people there*

Michelle: i know

Kroft: dog selection front!

M. Obama: we told the girls we will get one after he selects a Secretary of Agriculture

Kroft: and they fell for that

Obama: no

Kroft: what kind of dog

Obama: i don't know but his name will be Whitey

Kroft: your mother in law is going to move dood are you crazy??

Obama: well we'll see i told her that the White House is very very small

Kroft: can you solve world peace and hunger a College Playoff system

Obama: damm right

[Michelle rolls eyes]

Kroft: awesome

Obama: i'm gonna throw the weight of the presidency behind this

Kroft: bush couldn't do it

Obama: well as you may have noticed i am not Stupid

Kroft: as a matter of fact i'm beginning to get that

Obama: well good

[ high fives Kroft ]

Meet The Press - November 16, 2008

Sunday, November 16, 2008
Senator Levin (D-MI)
Senator Shelby (R-AL)
T. Boone Pickens

Brokaw: ok guys - auto bailout - yes or no???

Shelby: no way dood - Detroit is a bunch of dinosaurs and it’s time for them to go extinct

Brokaw: you said this is not a national problem

Shelby: sure it's not something really important like whether terri schiavo can follow a balloon

Brokaw: i see your point

Levin: can i talk?

Brokaw: fuck off loser

Brokaw: rick waggoner says he will accept a federal bailout but only if he gets a cut

Levin: ok he's an asshole but the entire american economy is dependent badly made vehicles

Brokaw: who doesn't love a good hummer?

Levin: even the europeans are bailing out mercedes and bmw

Brokaw: its never been the same since they lost teh slave labor

Levin: people are not buying cars because they are afraid

Brokaw: they are afraid their car will be an overpriced clunker

Brokaw: will you demand Rick Waggoner apologize for the Gremlin?

Levin: what about Bush and Obama?

Brokaw: never heard of them

Shelby: this is the beginning of Obama Corporate welfare

Levin: Bullshit - we did it for Chrysler and for the airlines and AIG and Wall Street and

Shelby: blah blah blah

Levin: but we have to pick up all their pensions!

Shelby: Pfffft

Brokaw: but only a bailout can save the industry!

Shelby: no they must renegotiate with the unions and tell them to fuck off

Brokaw: Tom Friedman says the unions are to blame for building Escalades

Levin: hey Tom - Suck. On. This.

Brokaw: but the unions!

Levin: they've taken hits and Detroit is finally listening it troubles me

Shelby: boooooooring

Levin: they're making hybrids and electric scooters why can't people see that this is not their fault they're making good cars!!!

Shelby: uh huh

Brokaw: are you willing to tell Chrysler dealers that their cars suck?

Shelby: you betcha!

Levin: no we must subsidize the auto industry so they can continue to innovate and make good cars nobody wants

Brokaw: T Boone do you think we should bailout the auto industries

Pickens: how the hell should i know

Brokaw: how's your wind

Pickens: it's slow but the wind will still be there tomorrow

Brokaw: i like you - you're folksy and like my crazy grandpa

Pickens: ahm gonna harness the wind and that will release natural gas

Brokaw: did Obama agree to support your cuddly non-existent plan?

Pickens: well he doesn't dance to mah tune but he likes natural gas cause it's red white and blue

Brokaw: what about electric cars

Pickens: nice but only natural gas is 'merican and can run a rig and get us off muslim oil

Brokaw: all gore says we should use kites to fly to work

Pickens: as long as their not foreign kites that's fine

Brokaw: but oil is cheap again

Pickens: but it still comes from terrorists and towelheads

Brokaw: good point

Brokaw: what's the answer

Pickens: we need a plan or you are in favor of foreign oil which is foreign and did I mention it was foreign

Brokaw: you were an oil man for 50 years stupid

Pickens: well that was your fault Tom and no President worked on the problem

Brokaw: Carter did

Pickens: fuck him he wore sweaters

[ break ]

Brokaw: should we bailout Detroit?

Tom Friedman: no way - where is their plan for fixing their problems?

Brokaw: subsidized crack

Friedman: they should have a plan - like marry a billionaire

Brokaw: that's a tough position

Friedman: these car makers suck - fuck em

Katty Kay: true but after 8 years of a Bush Presidency the US economy is so fragile we have to do it

Friedman: but they're greedy fuckers

Kay: ok so have the executives publicly drawn and quartered

Brokaw: what is the solution

Andrea Mitchell: Obama quit his senate seat so he could dodge the question

Tavis Smiley: hey who's getting rich Mustache man - Detroit is poorest fucking city in America

Friedman: slackers

Smiley: the Audacity of Mendacity!

Brokaw: what about the fucking unions?

Mitchell: look we all like the underclass with their cute little blue collars but Obama is going to have to tell the unions to fuck off

Mustache: no one in the world understands this economic crisis - Obama is gonna need a bigger soup kitchen

Brokaw: i'm scared

Friedman: fairness doesn't matter - we have to bailout homeowners or we will be all eating bread and water

Brokaw: i'm not sure we have caught up to the full extent of the shitiness of the Bush economy

Kay: Bush has united the planet in agreement that he is the Worst Leader in the World

Brokaw: Andrea please offer us some juicy useless gossip

Mitchell: Hillary was seen with Lindsay Lohan and Bill Clinton

Brokaw: why would Hillary take a cabinet job?

Mitchell: she was shut out of health care in the senate by Ted Kennedy and needs a platform

Brokaw: but I thought Teddy had a brain tumor and was done for

Mitchell: think again warbler

Brokaw: bash Jesse Jackson pleez

Smiley: i know we're all celebrating Obama’s win but now there are no blacks in the Senate

Friedman: the next Secretary of State should be a bankruptcy specialist

Kay: what drugs are you on?

Mitchell: it shows Obama has read “Team of Rivals” which is very very important to people who listen to Don Imus

Brokaw: oh of course

Mitchell: also Obama will hire Lugar, Gates, McCain and Hagel

Brokaw: any liberals?

Mitchell: those *are* the liberals

Brokaw: is Bobby Jindal the future of the party?

Mitchell: yes and unlike Sarah Palin he appears to have a brain

Smiley: no unlike me that dood has not shown he can appeal to bored white people across the nation

Brokaw: my mother survived the gang wars of the twenties, an affair with John Steinbeck, a marriage to Doug MacArthur, nuclear tests, Elvis, the hula hoop, Woodstock, Studio 54, the crack wars, and giving birth to me - happy birthday mom

The Chris Matthews Show - November 16, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show - November 16, 2008

Matthews: OMG Obama is fighting a tiger i hope he has a magic rock!

Fineman: it turns out the Republicans really really suck

Burnett: Bush came out against socialism - he's only for bailouts for people who don't need it

Duffy: The Dems are relying on Durbin and Pelosi

Matthews: Rush Limbaugh is calling it The Obama Recession!!!

Duffy: I'm persuaded

Norris: George Bush is trying to save the GOP by crushing the US auto industry

Matthews: that should work

Norris: Republicans are showing their love for American by crippling the country to hurt Obama

Matthews: can America survive Bush's last 40 days?

Burnett: highly doubtful

Matthews: I'm moving to someplace safe like Iceland

Norris: fuck the Obama bailout

Matthew: will Obama come out with loud hip hop music??

Duffy: I think chicks and geese and ducks better scurry

Fineman: Obama is going to tell the cautious DC types to fuck off

Norris: Obama will sign legislation during his acceptance speech

Burnett: Wall Street is suddenly interested in massive welfare - for them

Matthews: we're all Cainesians now

Matthews: Will McCain help Obama?

Fineman: yes he is Obama's immigration bitch

Matthews: OMG young republicans like Palin, Pawlenty and Jindal will save the party!

Tweety Meter: Jindal! Jindal!

Tweety: Will Romney or Palin be elected President in 2012?

Norris: it all depends on Chris Matthews

Matthews: i love sarah palin

Burnett: she's amusing but dumb

Matthews: that usually works in politics

Matthews: who will speak for the Republican party?

Fineman: Rush Limbaugh

Tweety: will no one else oppose Obama??

Duffy: liberal bloggers

Tweety: hah!

Norris: I was in a barbershop and black men are cutting off their dreadlocks, pulling up their pants and joining the army

Matthews: an investment in America!

Fineman: Clyburn is a power broker and he a centrist and black

Burnett: GM is a zombie corpse but they are selling cars overseas in China and Russia

Tweety: to the Commies!

Matthews: will Obama give McCain a cabinet position?

Norris: he has to if Obama wants to win in 2012

Fineman: Obama needs McCain in the Senate - he's sooo powerful

Duffy: he's Obama's liasion to the Rictus-American community

Duffy: Gates is willing to serve in the cabinet if Obama asks nicely

Thursday, November 13, 2008

MEET THE PRESS - November 9, 2008

November 9, 2008
Valerie Jarrett
Rep. Clyburn
Sen. Martinez

Brokaw: what can we expect from our new Chicago overlord?

Valerie Jarrett: radical change from people like jennifer granholm, paul volcker, and warren buffet

Brokaw: will you people a dark shadow government

Jarrett: no

Brokaw: really?

Jarrett: no really we will be

Brokaw: what did you learn studying the Polk adminstration

Jarrett: don't fuck up

Brokaw: ok let's talk about my money

Brokaw: who else besides Volcker, Summers, Rubin and Buffet

Jarrett: Obamans don't talk out of school

Brokaw: any Republicans

Jarrett: yes we will have Democrats and Losers represented

Brokaw: will you keep some Bush appointees on?

Jarrett: well he's looking for talent - so no

Brokaw: this is going to shock - you John Boner criticizes Obama

Jarrett: oh noes! He'd better resign now!

Brokaw: what about Bill Clinton

Jarrett: i can tell you we are so very eager to talk about the Clintons

Brokaw: are you being sarcastic

Jarrett: who me?

Brokaw: Democrats are always the party of Big Government

Jarrett: You are such an interesting person and apparently a fucking liar

Brokaw: what are Obama's flaws?

Jarrett: He's too inspirational

Brokaw: will Michelle be Laura or be Hillary?

Jarrett: this is the stupidest conversation i've ever had in my life

Brokaw: will she be in the bowels of the White House

Jarrett: you are a true idiot, aren't you?

Brokaw: Puppy?

Jarrett: oh noe don't go there

Brokaw: how did you feel when Obama won

Jarrett: awesome that people saw how awesome he is

Brokaw: what about the failed Obama administration

[ break ]

Clyburn: we have to restore teh economy, rebuild america, fund stem cells, and heal the country

Martinez: lets not worry about who slimed who - the point is unemployment is very high under the Obama administration!!

Brokaw: stimulus program

Martinez: i would like to see checks mailed to foreclosed homeowners in Miami

Brokaw: what else

Martinez: Obama should do whatever Republicans want

Brokaw: given the big win for Democrats should we lower taxes on the rich and cut government spending

Clyburn: are you fucking drunk?

Brokaw: stimulus program

Martinez: i would like to see checks mailed to foreclosed homeowners in Miami

Brokaw: what else

Martinez: Obama should do whatever Republicans want

Brokaw: given the big win for Democrats should we lower taxes on the rich and cut government spending

Clyburn: are you fucking drunk?

Brokaw: should we give the failed auto industry a trillion dollars?

Clyburn: yes every american should get a hummer

Brokaw: you are from the party of free markets?

Martinez: no the the GOP is the party of Free Capitalism - failed businesses get free money from the government when they fail

Brokaw: what about teh deficits?

Clyburn: the coffers are empty and we must govern from the center - i hate the far left they're so lefty

Brokaw: Ted Kennedy wants to divide America - will Republicans support that

Martinez: we as Republicans have to figure out what teh hell we believe

Brokaw: solution to health care is to go to the ER?

Martinez: see it turns out people don't think that's a good idea

Brokaw: given the poor economy isn't it true that we can't do health care in the first four years

Martinez: see children's health care is very divisive we should not attempt that it's so mean and divisive

Brokaw: Earth to Martinez - maybe the reason you went 0 for 3 is because you consider funding health care for kids divisive

Martinez: John McCain was a POW he didn't deserve to lose or the GOP be branded a racist

Brokaw: what is a Republican?

Martinez: we are going to try and figure it out - starting with Mitch Daniels

Brokaw: oh god

Brokaw: Clyburn you're black - did you know Obama is too?

Clyburn: hey some of my best friends are black and descended from slaves

Brokaw: that's very moving

Clyburn: we who worked with the system have been vindicated

Brokaw: Rahm is terrible

Martinez: Boner is moron

Brokaw: hey the Obamas are black! what about all the dysfunctional ones!

Mitchell: we need to get the guys off the corners and the kids in schools

Brokaw: wow can he finally get black families to work?

Mitchell: this dude is a better role model that a rapper or ballplayer

Brokaw: then they can hope to have the world's worst job

Goodwin: hey an economic disaster creates real opportunity for change

Brokaw: hmmmm

Goodwin: like LBJ who I slept with

Brokaw: TMI doris

Meachem: i haz advise for new preznit

Brokaw: do tell

Meachem: Obama is andrew jackson

Brokaw: maybe Obama can be on the $15 bill

Brokaw: he's very eloquent

Meachem: he's a rock star but not one of those elitist ones

Goodwin: Obama echoed FDR in the war when he said we will get there

Brokaw: that's wasn't MLK?

Goodwin: who?

Brokaw: is he black enough

Mitchell: he's President enough!

Brokaw: but not from the inner city

Mitchell: but he's got a white mother and worked in the city - it's fascinating

Brokaw: krauthammer says he's Putin

Meachem: he's actually very tough - who knew??

Brokaw: not a weak intellectual black man?

Meachem: i didn't believe it - but McCain ran a noble campaign

Goodwin: Obama should appoint McCain cabinet

Brokaw: will inner city blacks run the country?

Goodwin: this is a fucking fun time to live in America!

The Chris Matthews Show - November 9, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
November 9, 2008

Tweety: No Drama Obama! Oh noes!!

Obama: the road ahead is long and there are alot of bathroom breaks along the way

Tweety: can he he save my 401k?

Rather: he's bold but cautious - no highs or lows

Tucker: the Man canceled the fireworks cause he didn't want to make John McCain cry

Brooks: he's post-Boomer that's Audacious! But Cautious! He's Caudacious!

Tweety: ha I love it!

Bumiller: unlike Bush he read newspapers

Tweety: he is really is a socialist who will make people wait in line for a heart transplant

Rather: that's bad news for Dick Cheney

Tweety: ha

Rather: i expect him to govern from the center

Brooks: my opinion matters a great deal

Tweety: Ronald Reagan taught us you must get it all done early before you go senile

Brooks: he should no do anything at all

Tucker: bullshit you simpering fop

Brooks: Obama's people are nice and kind -- it's really weird

Bumiller: what planet are you on - Obama is mean

Brooks: no he isn't

Bumiller: ok you've convinced me

Rather: Obama is as optimistic as a frog on a Texas griddle

Tweety: what would you ask Bush?

Bumiller: why are you such a fuck up?

Rather: when are you leaving?

Tucker: nothing from Stupid

Brooks: Obama should ask to have sex with Laura

Tweety: where is the bowling alley?

Tweety: let me relive the ‘68 Convention also the battle of Lexington

Rather [ in 68] : take your hands off me pigs!

Tweety: that was awesome

Tweety: will the GOP love Obama

Brooks: McCain will help Obama depending on how long he lives

Tweety: only John McCain knows how pass legislation

Bumiller: uh...

Tweety: Will Obama offer him a cabinet postition?

Bumiller: uh...

Tweety: Rahm is bad

Rather: that's good

Tweety: uh...

Tucker: he's jerk but he's Obama's jerk

Bumiller: moderate GOP hate Randy Schumerman

Rather: Rahm solves Obama's Jewish problem

Tweety: what else

Rather: Obama must decide where to dump Bill Richardson

Tucker: there were 80,000 undervotes in Georgia - that means people voted for President and then left

Tweety: What about Race Relations!?

Bumiller: blacks and whites gettin' along!

Rather: it's all horseshit

Tucker: they are teh cutest family ever - they will show an upper middle class black family

Tweety: i thought that was teh Cosbys

Brooks: the lesson of this campaign is that America is not a racist country

Tweety: whites secretly voted for Barack but couldn't tell anyone down at the knight of columbus hall - the Obama Effect

Sunday, November 02, 2008

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - November 2, 2008

This Week with George Stephanopoulos
November 2, 2008

Stephanopoulos: yur losing

Davis: no way dood

Stephanopoulos: why do u say that

Davis: pollz r biased against Republicans

Stephanopoulos: you've got to be kidding me

Davis: whaaaaa

Stephanopoulos: so sad

Davis: the number of undecided voters is rising

Stephanopoulos: why is that

Davis: people are getting stupider

Stephanopoulos: i didn't think that wasn't possible

Davis: it is our key to winning

Stephanopoulos: it seems you are truly fucked

Davis: no we can still win new mexico

Stephanopoulos: dream on lunatic

Davis: no no no early voting trends to democrats - GOP voters are now in left hand lane at 15 mph

Stephanopoulos: i don't think so

Davis: we are going to win Pennsylvania

Stephanopoulos: prove it

Davis: the amish are very excited by McCain - they held a fundraiser: Amish Against Socialism

Stephanopoulos: Obama tied to your to Dick Cheney

Davis: Obama is engaging in the stale old politics of the past

Stephanopoulos: right...

Stephanopoulos: so is Davis right are you losing?

Axelrod: sure reality is biased against the pubic party

Stephanopoulos: you will lose because all your voters are early voters

Axelrod: yes i've heard the new GOP line is that McCain wins because people hate McCain so much they can't wait to defeat him

Stephanopoulos: can't you beat McCain like a rented mule

Axelrod: rented, bought, paid for, sold on eBay and served at Le Cirque for $100 a plate

Stephanopoulos: Mmmmmmmm....

Axelrod: We're drawing record crowds but we need all the hippies and kids to remember to vote

Stephanopoulos: Obama claims he hates lobbyists but hell we've all dabbled in lobbying in our time

Axelrod: true but they weren't Kenyan

Stephanopoulos: how many electoral votes will you get

Axelrod: a hell of a lot

Will: Obama has generated great enthusiasm in this election which is good news for McCain

Halperin: Obama is cheating by being popular in early voting

Brazille: so THIS is what a winning campaign looks like!

Stephanopoulos: is McCain fucked?

Matt Dowd: sure there are more democrats in the polls - cause there are more democrats after 8 years of Bush

Stephanopoulos: who the fuck is still undecided?

Dowd: they're retarded

Stephanopoulos: can Bob Barr win Georgia?

Will: yes he will benefit from a surge in african american voting

Stephanopoulos: who still supports McCain?

Brazille: robots they are making all his calls

Halperin: Obama will probably lose in 2012

Dowd: McCain will get more votes than Bush - and still lose

Stephanopoulos: what can we look forward to

Dowd: if Virginia goes to Obama then you can go to bed and dream sweet dreams of a black president

Stephanopoulos: turning points in the 2008 campaign?

Will: Iowa caucuses and killing reverend Right

Steph: McCain

Will: Palin and his being a shitty campaigner

Stephanopoulos: Obama opposing the war in 2002 and his address in 2004

Dowd: the turning point was the Iraq war - it killed Bush, weakened Hillary, and crippled Bush and McCain and gave us Obama

Halperin: hillary lost it but not just over the war

Brazille: howard dean won this election

Halperin: let's be fair - McCain made alot of really stupid decisions this election

Will: McCain should have been tougher and meaner and nastier - not so gentle and nice on race and accusing Obama of eating christian children

Dowd: George W. Bush has been a bad President and even a black guy with a funny name could have won this election ha ha

Steph: his speech on race was important

Brazille: i think of sunday bloody sunday

Steph: Palin / Bono 2012

Steph: what fascinates you

Halperin: Suununu - i love him so much and if he loses it proves reasonanable white men can't get a break

Dowd: poor poor white male conservatives

Will: poor poor poor Chris Shays if he loses it will proves that translucent closeted shitheads can't get a break

Brazile: i am so looking forward to Liddy Dole getting killed

Will: Obama wins North Dakota = 378 EC votes

Dowd: 338 EVs for the masai warrior

Halperin: 349 EVs for the magic negro

Brazille: 343 EV votes based on ground game for Baruch

Steph: Obama gets 353 - including Ohio and Florida

Dowd: um, what happened to the Permanent Repubic Majority??

Halperin: it's a 50/50 Nation

Steph: of course it's always 50 - 50 on teevee

Dowd: whatever fuckhead

Halperin: hey

Dowd: go shine my shoes dick

Halperin: [ bends down ]

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Obama TV Ad - October 29, 2008

The Obama TV Ad
October 29, 2008

Waves of wheat
waves of hands
lots of white people

Obama: hi i'm barack obama and i;d like to be your black friend

now i know you're thinking, i aleady have a black friend, that guy down the street who i saw once in k-mart

but you're thinking do as i need as my new black friend this good looking guy in a slightly oval office?

Well, i'm here to tell you that i am in fact black, but a lot of white people like me, and i'm hoping you will too

white lady: hi, I had to put off an operation to make ends meet - and barack obama is going to be my new black friend

Obama: see that wasn't so hard

Obama in Colorado: small businesses are ok and btw i'm not a socialist

audience: hmmmmmm

Obama: a few weeks ago we found out what we suspected - that George Bush has nearly destroyed America

audience: well there is that

Obama: but i want to cut taxes for american business, grow the economy and keep people in their homes

tv audience: where's his koran and dashiki??

Pensioner: i wuz robbed

Obama: that sucks

McCain: commie!!!!

audience: he IS good looking

Sibelius: he's basically a white boy from kansas

Deval P: if i was any less scary i'd be pat boone

Hard Working black guy: i am a hard working black guy

Guys wife: i was sick and he had to go back to work

Bush: uniquely amerkin!

McCain: lazy fuckers

Obama: i love me some entepeneurs like Mortimer the Solar Panel Maker

Google CEO: he's MAH black frend!

Obama: fuck the CEOs!

Google: hey!

Obama: sorry dood

Teacher: peopel in this school are really struggling

McCain: only 12 houses so sad

Obama: the government cannot turn off the tv set

audience: we loves tv

Obama: i was raised by white people if that helps any

White Audience: so were we

Obama: i will recruit an army of zombie robots to teach our children

audience: yay

Obama: i'm will fight for college tuition in exchange for serving you county

McCain: no one gave me school for service

Obama: yes they did

McCain: oh right

Obama: my momma died fighting the insurance companies

Michelle: he reads harry potter to the kids and does all the voices too

audience: * sniff *

Durbin: we were all blown away

Claire McCaiskill: he purified DC

Biden: i turned to Dick Lugar and said whoa where did the eloquent black guy come from

Obama: its hard dwelling with mere mortal men

Obama: remember during ozzie and harriet and leave it to beaver after WWII America sat on top of the world

audience: good times

Obama: well forget it white people

audience: oh noes

Obama: my white grandfather fought with Patton

McCain: terroris-- aw fuck it

Obama: i will not be a perfect president but let's face i couldn't be any worse than Stupid


OBAMA: in 6 days we can choose to reward work, invest in health care, energy, college or Senator Psycho and his Loony Sidekick from the Arctic

Obama: i will catch Osama but I also will not just send troops willy nilly

McCain: bomb bommb bomb iraq

Liebeman: you mean iran

McCain: whatever

Obama: this is for the coal miners and factory workers

Edwards: damm he's good

Hillary: dammit he's really good

Richardson: he's teh awesome

Obama: people i am asking you to fight with and vote for me and work for me and change this country and change the world


Audience: Swoon

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Meet The Press with Colin Powell - October 19 2008

October 19, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guest: Colin Powell

Brokaw: America and the whole world are facing a nightmare of crises like we have never had before

Powell: yes it's almost as bad as disco

Brokaw: indeed

Powell: we've got that crazy economy, wars all over the place, and we got to reach out to our friends like Pakistan and our enemies like Spain

Brokaw: daunting challenges!

Powell: we need an articulate guy

Brokaw: a novel idea

Powell: there's going to be a crisis on January 21st 2009

Brokaw: what is it!?

Powell: i can't tell you

Brokaw: wow!

Powell: we need a president that calms people down and that people like and trust

Brokaw: i smell an endorsement coming!!!

Powell: we need leadership with greening, energy, poverty, for needy people

Brokaw: you hate America, don't you?

Powell: I will endorse someone smart, ready, well-informed, patriotic, with good ideas-

Brokaw: spill the beans handsome

Powell: Ok - i know and like John McCain and I've met Barack Obama and I admire John McCain although the GOP is increasingly evil...

Brokaw: out with it buddy

Powell: okay i've given a test to them both and McCain has been ranting like a crazy person - he's an erratic possibly insane loony and frankly a jerk

Brokaw: but but but.....

Powell: Sarah Palin - i wouldn't hire to walk my dog without fucking it up

Brokaw: none of us would General - hell she shoots wolves

Powell: turns out Obama on the other hand is smart, inclusive, hopeful, reaching out, not dividing America

Brokaw: well there is that

Powell: then you have McCain, running a hateful, racist, evil, divisive, mean, nasty, dishonest, pathetic, shitty campaign

Brokaw: hey whatever works smoothie

Powell: Let's face it I didn't leave the GOP - the GOP left Planet Earth

Brokaw: but Obama might be a muslim

Powell: So what? So what if he were? How come no one ever says it's fucking racist and wrong to say a President can't be a Muslim???

Brokaw: they’re swarthy?

Powell: a 14 year old kid joined the army and died a hero under the Crescent and Star

Brokaw: maybe we can harness their fanaticism for our own ends

Powell: Obama is who we need NOW

Brokaw: but he has no experience!

Powell: he is a brilliant man, a snappy dresser, and a transformational figure, and a campaign genius

Brokaw: well you would say that - you are black

Powell: his race might help with the rest of the world

Brokaw: the world! Pheh!

Brokaw: will you beg Obama to please stay in Iraq?

Powell: hey if they Iraqis want us to leave we should leave

Brokaw: but it's been such a fun war to cover

Powell: Get over it Tom

Brokaw: Let's talk about William Ayers

Powell: [ smacks Brokaw ]

Brokaw: ow!

Powell: [ rolls eyes ]

Brokaw: Ayers is worst person in human history

Powell: i don't truck with no motherfuckin’ Weathermen and neither does Mister Obama

Brokaw: Lessons from Iraq?

Powell: Look I tried diplomacy but Bush was stupid and he was the President - in my defense the CIA lied to me

Brokaw: uh huh

Powell: Let's not argue about who lied about what - the real mistake was not killing more

Brokaw: true

Powell: we goofed - it's happens

Brokaw: Who care what you think then

Powell: Do you how many white people consider me their Black Friend?

Brokaw: no

Powell: Millions

Brokaw: You said Bush would be moderate and optimistic

Powell: Yes look at Liberia

Brokaw: [ head explodes ]

Powell: Tom your brains are all over my suit

Brokaw: sorry about that general

Powell: The Bush administration had a decent 5 minutes from 12:06 to 12:11 pm on Jan. 21 2001

Brokaw: Good times

Brokaw: Apologize to McCain!

Powell: We need a man younger than 100 years, a smart man, and reasonable man, a clever man, a sane man, a non-psycho-

Brokaw: okay you've made your point

Brokaw: you're black - do you think americans are racist?

Powell: yes

Brokaw: you're black - would you be Ambassador to Africa?

Powell: that's a continent Tom

Brokaw: Whatever

[ break ]

Brokaw: C-Todd gimme the polls

Todd: Ohio is an unmoved tie - but Obama has Wisconsin

Brokaw: hoh mai

Todd: Obama getting close in West Virginia

Brokaw: oh my gowd why

Todd: The economy - otherwise it's baffling

Brokaw: indeed

Todd: Obama's winning in Charlotte cause of banking and in Montana and the United States of Brokejaw

Tom: warble

Brokaw: can McCain win?

Todd: yes - if he can wheel people age 75 to 100 to the polls

Brokaw: can terry schiavo vote?

Todd: yes but she has endorsed Obama

Brokaw: Colin Powell - wow!

Scar: Obama is cheating by being right about everything

Tom: Florida?

Scar: Powell will help - he's a respected military dude

Brook: the Republican party left me and went into Ga Ga Land

Mitchell: I'm very worried about this - the GOP has become a hate filled looney party - a problem with centrist Republicans

Brokaw: both of them!?

Parson Meachem: this is like a Seal of Approval from Morgan Freeman playing God

Brokaw: how so?

Meachem: he's a stand alone brand he stands for 'Military Uprightness'

Brokaw: is that it?

Meachem: Understand that Powell has been America's Magic Negro for over a decade and a half

Scar: I want to warn the Obama campaign to focus on the states you must win - McCain closes strongly - forget N. Carolina and just take Florida and win this thing

Brokaw: what the fuck is wrong with John McCain Brooksie - what's his raisin detter?

Brooks: They made a decision not to run a likeable moderate maverick candidate and decided to run a hate-filled divisive mean campaign

Scar: now wait just a second - we all laugh at Sarah Palin now - but McCain will lose by less than he was in July

McCain: i hate President Bush!!!!

Crowd: Booooo Buuuuuuushhh!!!!

Obama: Buuuuuuuullshiiiit!!!

Mitchell: the fact is Obama is running a very sad nasty ad campign - on national television

Brokaw: what sleazy thing are they doing?

Mitchell: running a video of McCain talking in his own words

Brokaw: that's below the belt

Brokaw: this is not fair

Mitchell: indeed Obama is cheating by being popular

Tom: John Lewis said a mean thing

Parson Meachem: John Lewis is literally a Saint - They call him Bleeding Gums John

Brokaw: he gave his life for the cause of gingivitis

Meachem: McCain was likeable this week because he has conceded the election in his mind

Brokaw: Obama is going to win big with a Democratic Congress

Scar: this is a Republican country

Brokaw: it's bad news for liberals

Brooks: why have the liberals given us a huge debt and big spending!!!???

Brokaw: indeed those fucking liberals I already hate the failed Obama administration


The Chris Matthews Show - October 19, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show - October 19, 2008
October 19, 2008


Chris: Is Obama inevitable?

Whitaker: we've made progress in America - but not that much

Kay: some people say that Obama lacks character and may be a terrorist

Chris: hell Katty - even karl rove thinks McCain is doomed

Parker: Swing voters are a strange breed - no one knows what they will do

Sullivan: the ground game won it for the Republicans in 2004 but this time the Obama campaign has the best we've ever seen

Kay: Obama is doomed

Chris: Obama can't win big states

Whitaker: Obama is relying on young people and black people - so it's all up in the air

Parker: the kids today with the Fish concerts!

Chris: are the GOP motivated?

Sullivan: moderates Republicans are motivated -- to vote for Obama!!

Chris: who won the week?

Panel: Obama for the fifth week in a row

Kay: those fucking debates!

Whitaker: cindy was at the debate with her jewish friend and her gay friend - Joe Lieberman and Linsday Graham

Chris: how can McCain win?

Kay: Robocalls calling Obama a Zulu warrior

Chris: wow!!

Kay: McCain doesn't like to do this

Parker: Obama has no experience being a lying fuck-up

Sullivan: if McCain keeps this up everyone in American will hate him

Chris: the only funny Republican in America Chris Buckley likes Obama so of course he fled the National Review

Parker: i am a conservative but Sarah Palin is a fucking idiot

Chris: so of course they smeared you

Parker: being qualified is considered elitist

Sullivan: joe the plumber gives more press conferences than her!

Chris: i like him!

Sullivan: The GOP is now full of radicals with expansive big government and spending and debt and aggressive foreign policy -- not like sweet cuddly small government tingly guys like Ronald Reagan

Kay: anyone smart is dismissed in the GOP as a hoity-toity elitist with their fancy clean scapels and snobby lighter than air aeroplanes

Kay: The Smearing of Obama is amazing - Sacramento GOP saying Obama should be waterboarded

Whitaker: Come Now the Election Lawyers -- Dems have 5,000 ready

Parker: Dems believe in a Surge - in Florida!!

Sully, 5th Columnist: The GOP will blame Obama's win on suspicious lying communist black people

Chris: why did Obama lose to Hillary in the debates and not McCain

Kay: she got under his skin

Parker: she's smarter than McCain

Whitaker: Obama knew he could needle McCain because the guys is a hothead - and he did

Sullivan: Obama is boring and that's what America wants now

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Presidential Debate - October 15, 2008

Presidential Debate
Hofstra University
Sen. Barack Obama
Sen. John McCain
Host: Robert Schieffer
October 16, 2008
Schieffer: please applaud for the final debate of this tortuous campaign!!

Audience: yaaaaaaaay!!!!

Schieffer: First question - McCain you want to cut taxes for rich white people while you Obama want to give all the money to liberals and blacks

McCain: thanks to Hofstra and hi Barack

{ refuses to look }

People are very very very angry like me I am also very very angry

Obama: [ whistles ]

McCain: the cause of this crisis was Fannie Mae and Freddie giving money to poor people - now let's go out and buy all the irresponsible people a free house

Obama: yeah thanks to Hofstra and Wayne Chrebet and nice to see you John

McCain: [ looks away ]

Obama: my plan has three prongs - one lets get lots of jobs, two let people dip into IRAs; three, stop John McCain from giving a trillion dollars to the banks

McCain: Barack Obama met Joe the Plumber the other day and he found out that he was going make $250,000 a year when Obama is President and he got very depressed doggone it and I won't stand for some darkie coming along taking money from Joe the Plumber or the Rosie the Riveter or Mack the Knife

Obama: you forgot Exxon the Bird Killer or Halliburton the Murderer or WalMart the Sweat Shopper

McCain: why do Democrats always love taxes let's not have any taxes

Obama: you have to pay for the stuff you want

McCain: [throws self on the floor, cries, pounds fists ]

no no no no no no no no no

Schieffer: what about the deficits??

Obama: i will go through the budget line by line and highlight the really racy parts

Bob: oooooh

Obama: we should cure cancer and invent cold fusion that would be really good

McCain: speaking of home ownership obviously we should artificially prop up home prices-

Bob: what would you cut?

McCain: Tide, solar, wind

Bob: are you mental?

McCain: we owe China! I will eliminate programs like the one in that movie the Dave! I know how to save billions!

Bob: name something

McCain: I would eliminate tarriffs on sugar

Schieffer: name an expense you twit

McCain: Overhead Projectors

Obama: you *are* an Overhead Projector

Schieffer: can you balance the budget

McCain: hey i'm not President Bush for one thing I'm older and even weirder

Obama: you voted for all of Bush's budgets

McCain: he voted for the energy bill! Racists for America voted for me!

Obama: hey dude you have been a supporter of President Bush and every one knows it

McCain: i fought the Republican party and have the scars to prove - heck i opposed the war in Iraq!! hell I could go on all night on bad ideas the Republicans have had!

Schieffer: McCain is senile and Obama is a terrorist - say it to his face! Go!

McCain: if Obama had agreed to my town hall meetings I would not have called him a terrorist - but clearly the worst thing was what John Lewis said - also Obama is an untrustworthy liar

Obama: John 100% of your ads have been negative - but John unemployed americans are not interested you poor widdle hurt feelings

McCain: whaaaaaaaaaaaa

Obama: John the notion that you had to smear me because I wouldn't agree to Town Hall meetings is fucking stupid

McCain: you misportray me with so so so much money so of course people in my crowds shout out "kill him" what the hell do you expect!?

Obama: people at John's rallies are shouting "Kill him"

McCain: [ laughs maniacally ]

Obama: the american people have a choice - the hateful lunatic or me

McCain: How dare you attack veterans and patriotic people and I'm not going to stand for it!

Schieffer: are you going to let him say that Barack?

Obama: oh for god's sake I don't think McCain is a bad person

McCain: we need to know the full extent of his full relationship with Bill Ayers the Famous Terrorist and ACORN which is destroying the very fabric of America

Obama: [ laughs ]

Obama: you mean Bill Ayers the friend to Ronald Reagan, or ACORN the group that registers people???

McCain: he's BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obama: i have lots of white friends like Paul Volcker and Warren Buffet and Jim Jones

Schieffer: [ drinks kool aid ]

McCain: we just need to know all the facts of his terror leanings and my campaign is about jobs and economics and I won't raise taxes

Obama: [ kicks McCain under the table ]

Schieffer: Your Vice Presidents - defend them!

Obama: Biden is brilliant and he was born a poor white child

McCain: I have fought against the Old White Boy network and Palin understands that autism is on the rise

Obama: if we have an across the board spending freeze john we can't help autistic kids

McCain: Biden is not qualified - why he did want to invade Iraq or Kuwait and frankly i know this will shock you but he is a white man - why do we always have to have white men - why not a change for once???

Schieffer: energy?

McCain: i will take white oil but not the brown people's oil

Obama: uh huh

McCain: hybrid clean coal wind solar

Obama: hmmm

McCain: you don't tell a country you're going to renegotiate a treaty for god's sake they might sell oil to china!

Obama: nice to see the Republicans jump on yet another liberal bandwagon

[ Jimmy Carter, watching at home]


[ throws beer can at tv ]

Obama: hell yeah I will renegotiate NAFTA

McCain: we have to drill now right now!!

Obama: idiot

McCain: he opposes free trade with Columbia - for god's sake where are you we going to get cocaine in the coming Depression???

Obama: oh i understand it very well john - unsurprisingly Bush's agreement tramples on worker's rights but the point is we need to a President who does not have his head jammed firmly up his ass

McCain: let me smear Obama one more time and Obama wants to hang out with terrorists like Hugo Chavez

Obama: yeah that's me

McCain: Obama wants to raise taxes and force people to marry gay terrorists arab muslims - just like Herbert Hoover

Schieffer: health insurance

Obama: we will lower costs across the nation and put everyone in giant pool that is cheap - and when elderly Senators start to die it will be even cheaper

McCain: oh i do feel for people who don't have insurance so so so sad -- so my solution is putting health care records online, fewer fat kids, force employers to make their employers thin

Schieffer: that's it?

McCain: we should cut capital gains taxes and offer tax credits and what will your fine for Joe the Plumber ???

Obama: Zero

McCain: [ squeaky voice ] zero??

Obama: ZERO motherfucker!

McCain: erp

Obama: hey maybe Joe doesn't have health insurance i will help you get it - now let's talk about John McCain's plan

McCain: yay!

Obama: for god's sake he's going to destroy the employer based health care system - he's going to tax your health care benefits - PLUS insurance costs $12,000

McCain: spread the wealth! Joe you're rich! Congrats! But what about your family, your children, and your employees

Obama: you forgot slaves

McCain: them too

McCain: Look the Senator Government wants to Jew the Dog

Schieffer: what?

Obama: don't worry he's rolling

Schieffer: Barry?

Obama: the motherfucking US Chamber of Commerce supports my plan fucker

Schieffer: Rove Wade

McCain: look i don't care but i had a little club of 14 and we invited Barack Obama to join and that little uppity bastard said no

Bob: who would you nominate?

McCain: a smart Frenchman

Obama: good people can disagree on this issue

McCain: that leaves you out terrorist

Obama: the Constitution has a right to privacy and you don' put those out to a popular vote

McCain: fuck the constitution who let this negro on the stage with me anyway

Obama: here's an example the court agreed that women are discriminated against and the court said sorry too late

McCain: fucking trial lawyers always talking about the law in courts and trials

McCain: he voted present and with the pro abortion movement to kill little living babies

Obama: if John McCain is beginning to sound like an erratic crazy man -- it's because he is

McCain: baby killer!!!

Obama: take your pro abortion rhetoric and stuff it

McCain: health! You prove anything with health!!

Schieffer: education?

Obama: i want American kids to learn - so I support college money in exchange for service -- also speaking of Bill Cosby we need parents to help kids

Bob: sounds good but you are black

Obama: I can't wait to hear how tax cuts for Joe the Plumber will lead to small government and little dead babies

McCain: I am pro choice when it comes to education - the answer as always is Darwinian competion and charter schools and also blame the teachers

Bob: like who

McCain: forget certification - we need to put troops who recently were shooting people into our public schools

Bob: fuck yeah!

Obama: hey i doubled the number of charter schools - but it has to be paid for

McCain: Vouchers! and Cindy and your wife got choose! That was vouchers!

[ looks at Obama ]

[ stares intently at Obama ]

McCain: throwing money at problems that aren't investment banks isn't the answer!

Obama: the DC school system is bad that's true

McCain: vouchers!!

Obama: oh did he forget to mention that his plan leaves out 49 states?

McCain: [ laughs maniacally ]

Bob: final statements!

McCain: my friends we need to oppose the white old boy network and i have an impressive boring record of grandstanding and i will continue to say stupid crazy shit when i am president --- now i ask you -- can you really trust that arab muslim negro terrorist sitting there -- now please reward me for being an POW and my grandfather serving George Washington thank you

Obama: Insanity is John McCain doing what George Bush has done and expecting a different result -- but look we are going to spend and yes tax so we can grow the middle class - it will be hard and we need to come together and sacrifice - i ask for you vote so i can work tirelessly - not like some decrepit old man - on your behalf - thank you

Schieffer: I for one welcome our new Kenyan-American Overlord


Thursday, October 09, 2008

Presidential Debate - October 7, 2008

Presidential Debate
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Belmont University
Nashville, Tennessee
Senator Barack Obama
Senator John McCain
Host: Tom Brokaw

Brokaw: welcome the Black Guy and the Old Guy

Audience: clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap

Brokaw: I understand McCain is still napping so Obama will go first

Audience Question: when do i get my damm bailout???

Obama: thanks to George Bush we are in teh worst financial crisis since the Great Depression

Audience: Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Obama: John McCain and George Bush thought deregulation would rain prosperity on all us - well it's raining on our haids but it's not water

Audience: oooooooh

McCain: Senator Obama thanks for finally showing up to one of my town hall debates - you little snot

Obama: uh huh

McCain: my answer to the question is energy independence, peace in the world, cutting taxes, and raising home values

Question: how do w do that?

McCain: the federal government is too big -- so the federal government should buy every American a free house

Audience: yaaaay

McCain: that little snot didn't think of this -- i thought of it all by myself

Brokaw: who would you hire as Sec. of the Treasury?

McCain: not you Tom - you fuckin’ bastard

Brokaw: testy fucker aren't you?

McCain: i would hire Obama's buddy Warren Buffet or Meg Whitman - maybe we can all get jobs on eBay - only by raising the vaues of benie babies will the US economy get back on track

Brokaw: oh ok

McCain: this whole housing crisis is the fault of Obama and his cronies in Washington DC -- ooh it makes me so mad when I think of those politicians in Washington DC

Obama: Uh in March John McCain bragged that he was big deregulator and 2 years ago I was warning that this was a problem while he was begging money from Fannie Mae

Brokaw: are we fucked??

Obama: no - but we must get people in their homes and have energy and change Washington

McCain: the economy will only get better if you elect an outsider to Washington like me - why Obama doesn't even sign my letters to NBC demanding they bring back Matlock!!

Audience: star trek! firefly!

Question: i hate both you fuckers

Obama: gee nice to talk to you too lady

Question: i don't trust politicians

Obama: and you know why - because the conservative movement wants you to hate government and mistrust politicians so they can destroy it

Audience: it's working

McCain: sure you're cynical - but you have never been exposed to my high bipartisan glow

Audience: ooh

McCain: he's never taken on his own party on anything!!

Obama: why the fuck should I??

McCain: he's a big spending liberal not endorsed by the national taxpayers union or the white people's party

Obama: asshole

McCain: this little shit voted for a billion dollars in earmarks - god it makes me sick

Brokaw: which Republican policy would support the most, entitlement reform or medicare reform or putting Reagan on Mount Rushmore?

Obama: do i get to talk?

Brokaw: fuck off darkie

McCain: my friends some of the $700 billion will end up in the hands of terrorists like al qaeda or PBS

Obama: Russian and Venezuala and Iran win everytime you take a joyride down the highway

Audience: but the wind goes through my hair when the top is down!

Ahmedinejad: my plan it is working

Obama: yeah I'm against waste - big fucking deal

Question: How about sacrifice? What would you cut like a good republican?

McCain: Everything -- all of it - freeze spending on every single thing

Brokaw: that's ridiculous

McCain: look we're not rifle shots here we're Americans

Obama: sacrifice isn't just about Republican policies - although they do seem to go hand in hand - Bush told us to go out and shop after 9/11 but i will challenge all Americans to inflate their tires and install low flush toilets

Audience: oh no!!

Brokaw: George Bush is drunk but I say the American people got drunk on emergency health care and homes for black people!

Obama: thanks again for the Republican talking points Tom

Tom: I'm not even aware I'm doing it

Obama: earmarks terrific - dammit Tom you're berating poor people while rich people have gold plated shower cutains and schoolteachers live on mac and cheese

McCain: Barack Obama is just like Herbert Hoover - why if we elect Obama we could enter a recession

Obama: oh really??

McCain: poor widdle small businesses will die because of the black man

McCain: we are in very tough economic times so I will shower the American people with money - money for children money for health care

[ throws money in the air dances around giddily ]

Brokaw: speaking of the Republican agenda - everyone agrees that we have to reform entitlements and social security

Obama: if Rush Limbaugh speaking directly into your earpiece?

Brokaw: [whispers]

no rush I don't have any oxy or tickets to borneo

Obama: John McCain is big liar

McCain: [ demented cackle ]

my friends the answer is simple our wonderful ronald Reagan… obama have never taken on… i'm not popular… my friends… medicare… we need a base closing commission and rhetoric and …records and 94 times to increase taxes or not to cut taxes look at our records.. my friends

Obama: what the fuck did that old dude just say

Question: environmental issues?!?

McCain: as you know i'm a hero and i bucked my party supporting the environment - did Obama oppose his party by voting to despoil the environment? Noooo

Obama: what the fuck

McCain: hybirds and hydrogen and battery powered flying cars and we can have SUV's running on nuclear fuel my friends

Obama: or we could act like non-crazy people and invest like when the Pentagon invented the computer

McCain: damm keyboards!

Brokaw: gentlemen obey my rules!

McCain: i'm going to bring up the 2005 energy bill and you know how voted for it - that ONE

[ points demonically ]

my friends i oppose all spending and waste and we have to drill now and look at the record Obama has approved storing nuclear fuel

Question: Senator would you like a nap?

Question: health care?!

Obama: ok you can keep you're health care and we will lower costs and then we will let anyone buy into the Congressional plan -- what McCain is not about to tell you is that he won't exclude preexisting conditions or that he will destroy employer based health care

McCain: yurp

Brokaw: your answer?

McCain: we need to do things like put health care records on eBay and have walk in clinics - what a big government bastard Obama is

McCain: why can't you go across state lines to buy health inusurance - look if we tax it 95% will have no choice but to shop around for cool cheap hyundai health care plans and that will prove us right

Obama: that's so fucking punitive

McCain: no no no no one will go without health care because parents will always give health care to their children even if they have to marry a beer heiress to do it

Brokaw: what are you promising?

McCain: look obviously employers will give their employees health care duh

Obama: my mother died fighting insurers you dick - look sure parents should get insurance but now i think we all he Gramps the marketplace will take care of everything well we all will have to get Arizona health care and before you know we will all be suffering under Joe Biden's home state's rules

McCain: i was watching ‘Wheel of Fortune’ what did he say?

Question: world peace?

McCain: I am so sick of Obama bashing america tonight when we have shed so much blood - look sure america sucks but we are still a good nation but we know Obama was wrong to oppose invading Iraq

Brokaw Sen-

McCain: my friends-

Obama: yeah I don't understand. I don't understand why the fuck we let Osama bin Laden go while we invaded the wrong country why the maniacal cheerleader over there said we'd be greeted as liberators

McCain: yaaaaaaaaay

Obama: a trillion dollars we spent while Iraq has a surplus - people we are a laughing stock and a declining empire

Brokaw: will you promise not to help poor brown people

Obama: no i will not - of course we should act if we can - if we could have stopped the Holocaust who among us would not?

McCain: my friends he's a surrender monkey

McCain: there we no weapons of mass desturction and saddam was defeated and Obama would have brought us home in defeat

Brokaw: oh noe

McCain: i told ronald reagan 300 dead marines is unacceptable but i told Bush 4,000 soldiers dead is just dandy

Brokaw: u r confusing me

McCain: Death with Honor!!!!!!!!!

Question: would you respect Pakistani borders or would you be Nixon in Cambodia?

Obama: Bush coddled and appeased the dictators in Pakistan like the big white flag waving surrender Grampy is

McCain: i was talking to Teddy Roosevelt and Obama actually said he would attack Pakistan - I can't believe he would be honest - look i'm all about diplomacy which means i would also attack them of course but i won't say so

Audience: but you just said you would attack now

McCain: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

McCain: Talk softly!!

Obama: they will either be unable to get Osama in which case they will welcome our involvement or they won't do - in which case fuck 'em

Audience: yay

Obama: he says I'm green behind the ears

McCain: yeah!

Obama: he's the idiot who sang bomb bomb bomb Iran and wants to invade North Korea!

McCain: oh i was just joking look of course - i will attack Pakistan i just won't say it out loud!!

Obama: dude you just did

Brokaw: Afghanistan?

Obama: we should do what i said for the last 5 years

McCain: of course Obama is right but he won't admit that Gen Petraeus is a hero

Brokaw: another Cold War?

McCain: Russia is outside the norms of a rich nation and he is another K and a G and B

[ Todd Palin, at home ] dood what the fuck does that spell?

McCain: hopefully with our allies we will face down Russian

Obama: hey what about estonia which needs to rebuild it's economy

Audience: what about flint Michigan??

Obama: my kung fu is so mighty i will keep you safe by seeing problems 5 years ahead of time

Audience: were you bitten by a radioactive charismatic spider

Obama: yes

Brokaw: Let me quote from Regan one more time

Obama: he was possesed by the devil

Brokaw: no regan was the girl in the Exorcist

Obama: in know who you meant

Question: what if Iran attacks Israel???

McCain: Russian and China will attack us too

American People: OMG!!!!!!

McCain: Bush has allowed the middle east to got to war and Obama is an appeaser whereas i can get the Iranians to give up a nuclear program in exchange for the privilege of meeting with me

Obama: hoo boy you want THIS lunatic to have access to the button???

Obama: did you know Iran importants oil??

Question: i know a good song about iran based on a beach boys song

Obama: ah the sophisticated American mind at work

McCain: elitist

Obama: goddam right I am

Brokaw: what don't you know and how will you learn it?

Obama: ask my wife

McCain: ha ha ha

Obama: I'm not kidding

McCain: i ask my wife for money

Obama: my mom was on food stamps but i was able to succeed and why - because America is the greatest country in the world - but we need to keep that promise for the next generation and that dream is in danger and i hope all of you have the courage to pursue the dream called America

America: [ swoons ]

McCain: my friends what I don't know is where the danger lies but there is danger is everywhere - i will bring you dark times, dreary times, tough times, sad times, difficult times, times where you will die - and that is what America is all about -- and I am asking people to reward me for a being a POW and understand in these risky times we cannot afford a skinny black muslim with a funny name thank you

Brokaw: my sentiments exactly good night