Sunday, December 20, 2009

Meet The Press - December 20, 2009

David Axelrod
Howard Dean
Joe Scarborough
Markos Moulistas
Ed Gillespie
Tavis Smiley
Gregory: Axel did you win or sell out all your principles for a terrible health bill?

Axelrod: both

Gregory: explain

Axelrod: we’re going to help a few people without insurance and reduce the deficit by a trillion dollars

Gregory: please say “mission accomplished”
so I can make fun of you for it

Axelrod: look I know liberals are mad but Paul Krugman supports it and it will end all preexisting conditions

Gregory: will any part of the House bill survive?

Axelrod: maybe the first “whereas”

Gregory: why the fuck do we need 60 votes to
pass laws in the Senate?

Axelrod: it’s time-honored abject stupidity

Gregory: we asked some Poles and they don’t understand this bill at all

Axelrod: when you tell people what we pretend
is in the bill then people love it

Gregory: it’s so sad that Republicans once supported Medicare but now Obama can’t
get any get GOP votes - doesn’t that prove that Obama is a total failure?

Axelrod: I heard you were a moron Fluffy -
but you’re an obtuse hack too

Gregory: [ fluffs hair ] um what

Axelrod: hey idiot - the GOP has become an obstructionist party of total assholes

Gregory: yeah but they’re rich and so funny

Axelrod: can I talk to Luke Russsert - at least
he’s adorably stupid

Gregory: Howard Dean says this bill sucks

Axelrod: well we says it does good and I’d like
to see him get a better bill enacted

Gregory: Obama promised that Ben Nelson
and Joe Lieberman would support a public option

Axelrod: that’s ridiculous - this a good bill and
that’s the important thing

Gregory: but you betrayed liberals

Axelrod: no we didn’t - we worked in the legislative process available to us

Gregory: but this is a compromise!

Axelrod: oh noes!

Gregory: Obama didn’t fight for a public option!

Axelrod: yes he did - but this is how the system works

Gregory: will the bill bring overall health costs
down or not?

Axelrod: it will reduce the deficits and reduce premiums

Gregory: but a CAT scan is still expensive!

Axelrod: I’d like to scan your brain someday

Gregory: don’t bother you won’t find anything

Axelrod: ok

Gregory: have you killed the Democrats’ chances
in 2010?

Axelrod: The President doesn’t worry about polls - he’s trying to help the nation long-term

Gregory: but if the Democrats lose seats in 2010
that will prove Americans don’t need health care

Axelrod: even though President always lose seats
in the first Congressional election

Gregory: right

[ break ]

Gregory: What's up Doc

Dean: it's snowing and you're a dancing fool

Gregory: Howard is the health care bill horrible
or great?

Dean: it’s been improved since I hated on it but
it still isn’t perfect

Gregory: so should it be supported or not?

Dean: the problem is the whole thing revolves around for-profit insurance companies

Gregory: I am going to challenge you by citing criticisms of Obama

Dean: there was an unseemly scramble for votes

Gregory: don’t you need votes for pass laws?

Dean: naww

Gregory: you are not in office - so you will your
fake vote not go to this bill?

Dean: No!

Gregory: do you expect the White House to put
in a public option or not

Dean: no - Obama is not a fighter like me

Gregory: so without a public option you would
vote ‘no’?

Dean: a 30 year fight with insurance companies
is a bad thing

Gregory: and killing the bill would prevent that

Dean: right

Gregory: Vicki Kennedy says we can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good

Dean: yeah but I am in favor of getting the bill right

Gregory: I see

Gregory: John McCain says you are right
and we should let the Republicans write this bill

Dean: I hate Republicans and they are fucking evil

Gregory: so I hear you saying you are leaving
the Democratic party

Dean: Calm down Fluffy - you stupid fuck

Gregory: Is this internal fight going to ruin the Democratic party?

Dean: I know that’s your dream but if I were that room I’d answer you by punching you in the face

Gregory: ha ha

Dean: I’m not kidding

Gregory: so what went wrong

Dean: it’s a damn shame that a few asshole Senators can hold up legislation

Gregory: take your snow and leave Doc

Dean: fuck you

[ break ]

Gregory: Markos I love you on “Two and Half Men”

Moulitsas: I’m not on that show

Gregory: what? who are you then?

Moulitsas: I have a blog called the Daily Kos

Gregory: alright Kos is this health care bill a horrible compromise?

Moulitsas: no it only reinforces the existing system and if deductibles are too high poor people are screwed

Scarborough: ha ha insurance stocks are higher
ha ha

Gregory: Tavis Obama didn’t fight for the public option and this isn’t reform!

Smiley: sadly I am your third guest to agree that Obama didn’t fulfill his promises and he didn’t
crush the insurance lobby

Gillespie: sadly I must agree that this bill is an unmitigated disaster because this will help people get free medical care which will only encourage
poor lazy people to get sick

Scarborough: ha ha this bill will elect Republicans ha ha

Gregory: Obama says this bill takes on the insurance companies

Moulitsas: well sure but we need to crush the insurers - they are evil

Gregory: Kos isn’t passing federal legislation a little more difficult that idealistic liberals think?

Moulitsas: true but insurers spend millions on lobbying and the GOP can’t be reasoned with

Gregory: ok then

Smiley: You need to stand on principle! Screw gradualism or incrementalism! Ain’t gonna
get it done!

Gregory: Ed how do answer the charge that Obama is unpopular?!!?

Gillespie: he’s a socialist!

Gregory: but people hate the GOP too

Gillespie: no I took a poll that said people age 90
and over support the GOP

Gregory: Joe Scar how do answer the charge that people hate liberals?

Scarborough: it’s all these distractions like health care and wars and winning the Nobel prize -
we need jobs! Obama needs to be in Cleveland
not Oslo!

Moulitsas: Obama’s polls are down because he’s
not liberal enough!

Gillespie: no Obama’s radically partisan and not Republican enough!

Moulitsas: this nation hates Republicans

Gillespie: we’ll see about that Daily

Moulitsas: my name is Markos

Smiley: You have to stand on principle! Keep your eye on the ball! Jobs jobs jobs!

Gregory: Joe Obama is a total failure - Scar how does he turn it around

Scarborough: he needs to reach out to Republicans and crush the teachers unions and tell Henry Waxman to fuck off

Gregory: that makes perfect sense if you are ingesting large amounts of mind altering drugs

Scarborough: ha [ sniffs glue ]

Scarborough: ha ha when has he reached out to Republicans like the U.S. Constitution requires??

Moulitsas: the base is disenchanted - but the way
to get bloggers really excited bloggers is regulatory reform

Gregory: you’re a nerd

Moulitsas: blog power!


This Week With George Stephanopoulos - December 20, 2009

David Axelrod - White House Senior Advisor
Sen. John Kyl - (R-Arizona)
Stephanopoulos: speaking of your health care victory 6 hours ago - Republicans says it is already a failure because they don’t like it

Axelrod: that is shocking

Stephanopoulos: isn’t it terrible to pass a bill
without a single vote from members of a party everyone hates?

Axelrod: no it’s a good bill and we will pass it without the votes of the party which thinks Obama was born a muslim-Kenya witch doctor in Indonesia

Stephanopoulos: but this is a faith based bill

Axelrod: no 60 senators support the bill representing most of the country - plus this law
will help people with preexisting conditions and many others without health insurance

Stephanopoulos: Nelson and Holy Joe will fillybuster the bill if does any good for anyone beside rich evil insurers

Axelrod: that’s true but Nelson can be bribed
and Holy Joe can be reasoned with

Stephanopoulos: really?

Axelrod: no actually he’s a slimy fucker

Stephanopoulos: you are going to raise
taxes on Cadillacs!

Axelrod: also Yugos

Stephanopoulos: will this bill ban abortion
or make it mandatory?

Axelrod: the compromise is that women who want an abortion will have to drive really far to get one and we thinks that’s fair

Stephanopoulos: what about Stupak?

Axelrod: fuck him

Stephanopoulos: you called Howard Dean insane

Axelrod: well I’m not a psychiatrist but he is
pretty weird

Stephanopoulos: but liberals gave up everything and Nelson got whatever he wanted

Axelrod: it’s true but we needed the 60 votes

Stephanopoulos: liberals don’t want to hear
excuses about math - they want results

Axelrod: yes I noticed that

Axelrod: look I hear what Howard Dean is saying but this bill helps millions of people so it would be bad to kill it

Stephanopoulos: is Iran about to nuke Kansas?

Axelrod: maybe

Stephanopoulos: what are you going to do about it?

Axelrod: we are going work in Iran to sow divisions within both liberals and conservatives so nothing can ever get done

Stephanopoulos: can you really do that?

Axelrod: we did it in the U.S. so we can do it there

Stephanopoulos: Kyl is this bill evil?

Kyl: the American people are very much against
this bill unveiled 24 hours ago so we must not allow it to pass

Stephanopoulos: I see

Kyl: also the fuckers in Nebraska get this for free - no fair

Stephanopoulos: why do you hate Nebraska?

Kyl: Hey George - why do six different states border Nebraska?

Stephanopoulos: I don’t know

Kyl: Nebraska sucks

Stephanopoulos: ha good one

Stephanopoulos: Dick what about all the charge
that no one has seen this bill?

Durbin: jesus fuck they read the entire bill on
the floor yesterday

Kyl: yeah but that was during “Jersey Shore” marathon so no one in the Republican caucus was watching

Stephanopoulos: Kyl the CBO says it will lower the debt and will cover 30 million people - who wouldn’t support that??

Kyl: yeah but that still leaves 20 million uninsured

Stephanopoulos: oh I forgot you were insane

Kyl: also insurance premiums will still go up
and also people will still get sick

Durbin: jesus what sick lying fucker you are

Stephanopoulos: Dick will you commit to voting Republican if you have not eliminated illness
by 2015?

Durbin: this covers 94% of Americans!

Kyl: the liberals broke a truce that the GOP would pretend to be against abortion except for their own daughters and liberals would pretend to protect poor women without doing anything for them

Durbin: hey we still give free money to the Catholic church so they should shut the fuck up

Stephanopoulos: what about the looming threat
of global warming?

Durbin: the wily Chinese are taking all our green jobs - the jolly green giant is being replaced by Godzilla!

Kyl: I’m against sending China money

Stephanopoulos: you really are a weirdo


Sunday, December 13, 2009

60 Minutes - Interview with Barack Obama - December 13, 2009

60 Minutes
President Barack Obama
December 13, 2009
Kroft: Was it the most difficult decision you’ve made to invade a nation in asia

Obama: yes it’s sad

Kroft: but in your speech you didn’t weep and cheerlead and promise victory

Obama: actually that was me being emotional

Kroft: wow cause you seemed like a detached vulcan

Obama: we’ve had a little too much cheerleading and touchdown dancing by certain Presidents lately

Kroft: you staked your presidency on taking over a mountainous nation of religious wackos

Obama: that and bailing out the big banks and also I’m black

Kroft: some say you confused people

Obama: no not all

Kroft: but you surge troops only to pull troops out?

Obama: it makes perfect sense because we will stay until we leave

Kroft: but I’m easily confused - when are we leaving again? - cause I we have leave now that we have a black democratic president

Obama: we’re leaving when the Afghan government asks us to leave

Kroft: President McCain says we need to kill more people

Obama: fine I told the President we will kill all al-qaeda

Kroft: I heard most al-qaeda left and went to Pakistan and New Jersey

Obama: no some are in Bali

Kroft: damm they are in some nice places

Obama: so true

Kroft: the British in 1776 and American in ‘Nam lost wars because Empires are tiring and sucky and after all you are a negro

Obama: fuck that - this time we will win

Kroft: but Afghanistan is a government of corrupt organized criminals

Obama: [ laughs ]
Dude I have to ally myself up with these pseudo-elected crooks to get anything done

Kroft: let’s talk about Congress

Obama: I already am

Kroft: what about the bailouts of big Wall Street?

Obama: I didn’t run for office to bail out big banks - I ran to make love to a black women in the Lincoln Bedroom

Kroft: Jefferson beat you to it

Obama: these fucking Wall Street banks don’t fucking get it

Kroft: I thought you were going to reform system but then let Congress pass a horrible 2,000 page bill that is-

Obama: what?

Kroft: some say it is evil and incomprehensible

Obama: jesus chirst you are such a dick

Kroft: are you going to be involved in the legislative process

Obama: I have been the whole time asshole

Kroft: gate crashers!

Obama: oh thank god a substantive question

Kroft: were you angry at your black social secretary?

Obama: let me put it this way - I looked at her like I’m looking at you now

Kroft: Ooooh

Meet the Press - December 13, 2009

Jennifer Granholm - Gov. of Michigan
Christina Romer - Chair, White House Council
of Economic Advisors
Mitt Romney
Alan Greenspan
Jim Cramer
Gregory: Obama says Wall Street screwed
over the nation

Romer: yeah pretty much

Gregory: so is the U.S. fucked?

Romer: we were but things are turning around

Gregory: would financial reforms have prevented
the major meltdown?

Romer: that’s the point behind the new laws

Gregory: but answer my hypothetical question!

Romer: are you some kind of idiot?

Gregory: Obama says Wall Street doesn’t get it

Romer: they don’t - unless by ‘it’ you mean free government money in which case they do

Gregory: but Wall Street creates jobs on Main street - why punish them?

Romer: because they’re total fucktards

Gregory: But doesn’t Obama want Goldman Sachs to make money so it can trickle down to the
little people?

Romer: calm down Fluffy

Gregory: how long is this recession going to last?

Romer: we’ll go up and down for a while

Gregory: is the recession over?

Romer: no it will be over when Obama is reelected and we have secure jobs

Gregory: why didn’t Obama declare War on Unemployment

Romer: Greggers we immediately passed the
biggest stimulus in the history of the nation

Gregory: but the stimulus failed

Romer: I don’t have crystal balls

Gregory: I think Mitt Romney has those

Gregory: you said we should have a
$1.2 trillion stimulus

Romer: yeah well I was proven fucking right

Gregory: but shouldn’t have it been bigger?

Romer: it was the best we could get from the assholes in Congress

Gregory: the L.A. Times says we have to cut the deficit first

Romer: ah morons abound

Gregory: so Obama doesn’t care about stealing
from our children?

Romer: recovery is the only way to cut the deficit

Gregory: so you will raise taxes, increase the debt and kill America

Romer: 1 in 10 of Americans are unemployed dancing dave!

Gregory: so how do you pay for it??

Romer: you borrow money in a recession you fool

Gregory: so how will we know when it’s over

Romer: when unemployment is at 5%

Gregory: Ok

Romer: hey you’ve held this job for a year
which amazes me


Gregory: Alan no offense but I get mixed messages from the White House

Greenspan: the bad news is we’re at the bottom but the good news is I’m a bottom

Gregory: Jenny 8,675,309

Granholm: what?

Gregory: that’s the number of jobs Michigan has lost

Granholm: it would have been much worse without Obama’s efforts

Romney: the economy is growing but the stimulus failed and killed jobs

Gregory: some would say that Romney is partisan yet some would say the sun shines out of his ass

Cramer: right

Gregory: some would say Obama is a failure but on the other hand the Republicans had a lot of great ideas like a payroll tax holiday

Cramer: where’s the money!?

Gregory: some would say Reagan was a great President - how do answer this charge Ayn Greenspan?

Greenspan: we did that by wearing onions on
our belts which was the style at the time

Gregory: what jobs will we create - I mean we suck
at everything

Granholm: we’ll make solar panels - we’ll aim them
at Mitt Romny’s ass

Romney: Let’s take the stimulus bill and use that money to allow business to deduct taxes and let’s take wasted TARP money and use the money being returned from banks to give that to banks

Cramer: business are hiring in Brazil and Russia because businesses have successfully captured the governments there

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
a lot of people say the U.S. has no commitment to capitalism and businesses are terrified of government!

Greenspan: banks have lots of money - they just won’t lend it because most small businesses would
lose it

Gregory: the President attacks Wall Street which
is the Happiest Place on Earth - why is he doing that???
[ starts sobbing ]

Granholm: our auto companies would love start making good cars but they need loans to stop manufacturing junk

Gregory: maybe American products just suck

Romney: the problem is people are terrified of financial rules and possible good health care
and so of course make crap

Gregory: Krugman says unemployment is bad

Greenspan: sorry the Fed has done all it could possibly do - TARP was very necessary but inflation is scary so people should just eat apple cores

Gregory: what about Fed independence?

Greenspan: Oh I think it’s terrible that Congress would threaten it

Gregory: like when you shilled for the Bush
tax cuts?

Greenspan: I like pudding!

Gregory: Mitt how do you answer
the charge that Obama is soft on evil?

Romney: [ rebooting ]

Cramer: hey we have to raise taxes to pay
for our wars

Romney: we can pay for wars and lower taxes
- all we have to do cut pay for government workers who make much more money than people in the private sector

Gregory: where will unemployment be next year?

Greenspan: much lower, luckily because of
census employment

Gregory: that’s government

Greenspan: naptime!

Gregory: should we raise interest rates?

Greenspan: we should change rates to 5 bees
for a dollar

Granholm: we can’t be all doom and gloom
- I mean at least we all have jobs

Greenspan: not me

Granholm: be quiet or I’ll put you in place we saw on “America’s Worst Nursing Homes”

Greenspan: I’ll be good

Gregory: ok that’s the final word

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - December 13, 2009

Larry Summers
Rep. Eric Cantor
John Podesta
Ed Gillespie
Arianna Huffington
April Ryan
Stephanopoulos: Larry the economy is total disaster and John McCain’s economist says you’re a loser

Summers: look we prevented a Depression and
you know these things happen in stages, first you have a New Deal then another Depression and then a World War

Stephanopoulos: Is Obama working hard on
making all that happen?

Summers: yes he is

Stephanopoulos: so when does the U.S. economy go from being Fucked Up to merely Pretty Shitty?

Summers: we see Quite Crappy spring followed
by a Sucky Summer

Stephanopoulos: are we going to have a second stimulus?

Summers: don’t focus so much on how much
we spend George the best things in life a free - like strongly worded letters sent to banks telling them
to lend

Stephanopoulos: but you’re spending so much money boosting the economy just because we
are in an economic crisis!

Summers: you know nothing about math George - it’s like talking a woman!

Stephanopoulos: oooh

Summers: we’re spending on infrastructure and health care

Stephanopoulos: speaking of that how can the President possibly sign a bill that spends money
to save people’s lives - I mean it’s shocking

Summers: that’s true but we are going to tell
people get preventive health care which is very conservative

Stephanopoulos: but the debt!

Summers: we will reduce the deficit by taxing Cadillacs

Stephanopoulos: I don’t care about that - I just
want you to say you will cut the debt, deficit, health care costs and make me taller

Summers: Done done and done

Stephanopoulos: will you make banks lend or not?

Summers: the American people bailed out the
big banks and Obama is going to have a serious
talk with them and tell them to please pull their heads out of their fucking asses

Stephanopoulos: how about that Eric?

Cantor: the real problem is that there is too much regulation of banks - who get then mad and refuse
to lend money to small businesses

Stephanopoulos: Obama says the GOP is captured by financial lobbyists

Cantor: we couldn’t support the financial reform bill because it had no bipartisan support

Stephanopoulos: um what

Cantor: Washington activism scare investors so they just put all their money under the mattress

Stephanopoulos: because you always say no to whatever Obama does - does that mean he gets the credit when it turns around like it always does when Dems are in charge?

Cantor: no because Obama is a big spending wacko

Stephanopoulos: you mean like Reagan, Bush I
and Bush II

Cantor: right crazy liberals like them


Stephanopoulos: George why does the economy suck?

Will: because businesses can never know if government will change the rules so they won’t
lend money

Stephanopoulos: but government can always
change laws

Will: not if businesses control government
like they should

Podesta: Obama should urge bankers
to lend money?

Huffington: fuck that shit - take away their toys
and they will start fucking lending

Stephanopoulos: Summers says the economy is turning around because he has a nice car

Huffington: fuck that sexist dipshit

Ryan: black teens are unemployed - if only we
had a black president

Stephanopoulos: the deficit!

Gillespie: people refuse to invest because they
need certainty

Stephanopoulos: what does that mean ‘certainty’ ?

Gillespie: just let businesses write all the rules

Huffington: oh fuck you all - Larry Summers is
a lazy fat fuck

Will: the American people understand that the only way to create jobs is low taxes and no rules

Podesta: good god - we put the GOP charge we
had a fucking Depression

Gillespie: [smirking ]
no the Bush economy was a great success

Podesta: [ smacks forehead ]


Sunday, December 06, 2009

Meet The Press - December 6, 2009

December 6, 2009
Sec. Hillary Clinton
Sec. Bob Gates
Sen. John McCain
Tom Friedman
Bob Woodward
Gregory: Welcome Secretaries to meet the press

Gates: rock on

Clinton: hey-o

Gregory: so are we finally leaving Afghanistan
or what?

Gates: we are beginning to thin our forces

Gregory: so fewer troops over time

Gates: no we’re just feeding them less

Gregory: does a deadline give our enemies a
green light to bide their time and then attack
us after we leave?

Clinton: no because this deadline is to tell
the Afghans to get off their asses and take
over their own country

Gregory: but this is a signal of weakness!

Gates: Calm down Fluffy - how can we ever
leave without planning on leaving?

Gregory: we could just leave unannounced
one night like my relatives when they come for Thanksgiving

Clinton: Look Greggers George W. Bush lost the Afghan war and we’re finally going to send the Marines and kick Afghan ass

Gregory: Bob is it true that George Bush refused
to send reinforcements to Afghanistan?

Gates: yes - Bush wanted to send all out troops to Ukraine and Australia

Gregory: that’s Risk

Gates: tell me about it

Gregory: are we finally downsizing the War on Terror and upping the War on Panic?

Clinton: not at all - we’re never leaving Afghanistan but we’re putting civilians there instead

Gregory: But Dick Cheney says Obama is weak
and we must kill all bad guys!!

Clinton: I recently got a PDB: “David Gregory Determined to Remain a Moron”

Gates: I helped write that

Clinton: awesome

Gates: Osama bin Laden is only one who wants
us to stay there forever

Gregory: and Cheney

Gates: well of course

Gregory: so when are leaving so I can accuse
you of surrendering

Gates: eleventy-never

Gregory: When will you go after the Baddest
of the Bad

Clinton: I don’t know anything about Tiger Woods

Gregory: Don’t you have to kill Osama bin Laden?

Clinton: I’ll strangle him myself if I have to

Gregory: isn’t this a quagmire just like when the USSR invaded?

Gates: no not at all we just have a lot of troops attempting to impose a government in Afghanistan going house to house to eliminate any domestic opposition to our invasion

Gregory: right

Gregory: But Tom Hayden says this is immoral!

Clinton: let’s not bicker about who invaded who - good grief we’ve got kids planting fucking seeds!

Gregory: but I just realized this invasion is
so expensive!

Clinton: who gives a fuck - this is war!

Gregory: Is failure an option in Afghanistan?

Gates: Seriously, he can’t be this stupid can
he Hillary?

Clinton: no Bob he really is

Gates: Fascinating

[ break ]

Gregory: Should we ever withdraw from Afghanistan?

McCain: first let me say casualties will go up and many more young people will be killed and therefore I strongly support the decision

Gregory: of course

McCain: Afghanistan, India, Iraq and Pakistan are
all now panicking because we might end our occupation of that region and boy do they hate that

Gregory: what’s your answer?

McCain: we must stop Al-Qaeda from looking at their watches by taking away their arms

Gregory: their weapons?

McCain: no their actual arms - and legs if necessary

Gregory: but that’s a forever war!

McCain: no the goal of all war is to break the enemy’s will

Gregory: oh that’s right - you’re fucking crazy

McCain: we must crush the people psychologically

Gregory: the people are so depressed they veer between being suicidal and engaging in wholescale revolution

McCain: the Afghan people are not there yet

Gregory: I was talking about America

McCain: kill! kill kill!

Gregory: Karzai is corrupt - why should we commit ourselves there?!

McCain: because Maliki was ineffective in Iraq
until we started killing on his behalf

Gregory: um what?

McCain: nothing succeeds like success - we just have kill more people and then the Afghan government will be really popular!

Gregory: can we catch Osama?

McCain: the bad news is we can’t catch him but the good news is al-qaeda will attack us anyway

Gregory: is Obama surrending the war on terror?

McCain: you are an idiot

Gregory: but the message of weakness!

McCain: taking to time to think about our policy didn’t help our enemies

Gregory: is the stimulus working?

McCain: no

Gregory: really?

McCain: well maybe it did

Gregory: I don’t understand

McCain: Generational Theft!

Gregory: Health care public option?

McCain: I hope the American people will reject Medicare, Medicare, Veteran’s health and what
all Congressmen get

Gregory: tell me about Sarah Palin

McCain: I am very entertained when I see
her attacked

Gregory: she thinks you’re an senile fool

McCain: Todd lent me his silk underwear so
we’re friends now


Gregory: Tom you’re a bloodthirsty maniac
- tell me about Afghanistan

Friedman: the key issue is that our chief ally Karzai is corrupt and so we must fight him so we can then support him

Woodward: the good news is Obama has pleased the Village which loves good war

Gregory: will Pakistan attack the Baddest of
the Bad guys?

Friedman: there is only one indicator of success
- if I sell more books

Gregory: that’s all?

Friedman: The Afghans have to want to destroy
their country more than we do

Gregory: doesn’t a withdrawal giving the enemy
an advantage?

Woodward: [ laughs in Gregory’s face ]
man you’re dumb

Friedman: we need to encourage a bloody civil war in Islam

Gregory: wow - you’re still crazy after all these years

Friedman: those fucking muslims make just want to bomb all of them

Woodward: we should smoke bad cigarettes and use toilets with Afghans

Audience: truly a meeting of the minds this morning

Gregory: Obama said failure is an option

Friedman: we should impose a gasoline tax now that a Democrat is President

Woodward: what they are really saying is let’s see what happens on the ground

Gregory: oh really

Woodward: but then there could be another horrible attack on America which would change everything

Gregory: we can only hope

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - December 6, 2009

December 6, 2009
Sec. Hillary Clinton
Sec. Bob Gates
Stephanopoulos: Sec. Gates and Clinton thanks for coming - President McCain says we should stay in Afghanistan forever

Gates: this isn’t an exit strategy - it’s a gradual conditions-based get-the-fuck-out-of-that-hellhole-strategy

Stephanopoulos: so when do we leave

Gates: we will bring in the cavalry and they will stand on a hill and watch Afghanistan disintegrate

Stephanopoulos: should we commit troops to Karzai who makes the Godfather look like Mr. Rogers?

Clinton: he may be a corrupt bastard but he’s
our corrupt bastard

Stephanopoulos: ok

Clinton: the proof will be in the pudding

Stephanopoulos: interesting metaphor

Clinton: it’s not a metaphor - that’s where he
hides his bribes

Stephanopoulos: ah

Stephanopoulos: John Kerry points out that Bush and Pakistan let Osama bin Laden get away

Gates: yeah so what

Stephanopoulos: well where is Osama?

Gates: we haven’t received a Christmas
card from him in years

Stephanopoulos: no idea where he is?

Gates: He has been practically invisible for a long long time

Stephanopoulos: He was on Jay Leno twice
last month

Gates: see what I mean

Stephanopoulos: talk Taliban to me

Clinton: they have to renounce violence
and extremism

Stephanopoulos: you can’t even get that
from the Teabaggers

Stephanopoulos: Shouldn’t this war be paid for while we fight it for the first time ever now that a black man is President??

Clinton: the Afghan war will be paid for by not fighting a useless war in Iraq

Stephanopoulos: why spend $30 billion to get 100 Al-Qaeda fighters - you could send them all
to Harvard for that

Gates: yeah but we’re trying to get them away from schools of radical rhetoric

Stephanopoulos: that’s a good point

Stephanopoulos: What’s your best argument for getting further bogged down Afghanistan?

Gates: the mighty Soviet Union was defeated there and it brought down the entire empire and breaking up that nation

Stephanopoulos: well I’m convinced

Stephanopoulos: Sec. Clinton should we
invade Italy?

Clinton: it would be more fun that going in the middle east

Stephanopoulos: Awesome

Stephanopoulos: Don’t we have to defeat Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan or it will destabilize Pakistan and Yemen?

Feingold: no they will all move to Pakistan - rather
we should not be there so they will not leave

Stephanopoulos: so should we leave or go?

Feingold: we should have a rational policy

Stephanopoulos: that’s it?

Feingold: you’d be surprised how controversial
that is in Washington

Stephanopoulos: ok

Feingold: no one would invade Afghanistan in
2009 would they?

Stephanopoulos: but for 9/11

Feingold: but we won when we chased them
into Pakistan

Stephanopoulos: can you stop this surge in Afghanistan?

Feingold: probably not - but we in the U.S. are
out of money

Stephanopoulos: speaking of that - can we afford a public health option?

Feingold: it’s fucking exciting fucker!

Stephanopoulos: Senator your language!

Feingold: sorry dude but the details of public policy get me all hot motherfucker!

Stephanopoulos: ok thanks Russ

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Meet The Press - November 22, 2009

Meet The Press
November 22, 2009
Sen. Richard Durbin
Sen. Diane Feinstein
Sen. Joe Lieberman
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson
Gregory: hey Dick amazingly Harry Reid got 60 Dems to vote for something

Durbin: I know it’s crazy - but I still think Ben Nelson will find a way to fuck us

Gregory: Kay didn’t the Democrats fail last night?

Hutchinson: this is a terrible bill that adds to the deficit and we need to start all over and just do
what Republicans want

Gregory: Kay how can we stop this terrible bill?

Hutchinson: wave around pictures of Obama
as a Nazi Witch Doctor

Gregory: the bill raises taxes and kills kittens!

Feinstein: oh can it Fluffy

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
But the public option is bad!

Feinstein: the current system sucks and this
helps millions of people Greggers

Gregory: Holy Joe will you stop this bill

Lieberman: I voted for the bill so I could keep my Committee Chairmanships but I must filibuster
the public option

Gregory: why?

Lieberman: a public option will worsen our
current recession because it will add to debt decades from now

Gregory: wow that is bad

Lieberman: it will be very expensive and horrible and also everyone will enroll in it so it undermine the private insurers

Gregory: Holy Joe I have a question - does the Afghan war also have to be deficit neutral too?

Lieberman: oh yes

Gregory: but you voted for the all the wars anyway

Lieberman: because I’m the last honest man

Durbin: the public option is a good fucking
idea dammit

Gregory: ok let me be an advocate for the Republican party here - would be you willing
to drop the option in favor of a trigger?

Durbin: no

Gregory: you say no - but your eyes say yes

Feinstein: I heard you were moron

Gregory: will you pleeeeease vote against
a public option?

Feinstein: calm down Fluffy

Hutchinson: small business health plans
will solve everything

Gregory: and people say I’m a dolt

Gregory: this is higher taxes! And expanded entitlement!
[ looks in mirror, fluffs hair ]

Lieberman: helping poor people costs money - which is the worst thing ever in the history
of America

Gregory: didn’t you used to be a liberal?

Lieberman: this is a radical departure from free-market principles - we must trust the insurance companies!!

Durbin: [ leans over, punches Lieberman in the face ]

Lieberman: Ow!

Feinstein: thanks dick

GOP Congressman: Obama hasn’t fixed
the economy!

Geithner: hey dipshit Bush handed us a
fucking Depression

Gregory: should Geithner be fired?

Lieberman: no - we should deny people health insurance: that will turn the American economy around!

Feinstein: California is a total basket case

Audience: electing a bodybuilder Governor sure seems like a good idea now doesn’t it

Feinstein: we need high speed rail so politicians
can get out of town fast when the riots begin

Gregory: good idea

Hutchinson: Obama was sworn in January
and there is still high unemployment and the cause is the debt!!

Gregory: you’re joking

Hutchinson: Health care! Debt! Word Salad!

Gregory:[waves foam finger] Fire Tim Geithner!!!

Hutchinson: Fluffy will you shut the fuck up I want to bash the Obama stimulus!

Feinstein: Goddammn Fluffers you are an idiot

Gregory: is Obama dithering on our Glorious Invasion of Afghanistan??

Lieberman: if we fail to pour thousands of troops into a far-off desert land it will destabilize the area

Gregory: will you leave your brain to science fiction?

Gregory: is Charles Krauthammer right about
Eric Holder and KSM?

Feinstein: you are a true dimwit, aren’t you

Gregory: but isn’t this a show trial?

Feinstein: no it isn’t Stupid

Gregory: but he told to his employees
'not to fail' which is the height of fascism!!

Durbin: Failure is an Option every week on Meet the Press

Hutchinson: every freedom-loving country in the world needs to know that that we are willing to torture terrorists, hold people without trial, invade other nations, and beg NATO to do it all for us

Gregory: what about these mammogram guidelines?

Feinstein: if you object well then get the test

Hutchinson: this is rationing which never happens in the USA because insurers always cover everything

Gregory: of course

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - November 22, 2009

November 22, 2009
Sen. Ben Nelson
Sen. Tom Coburn
Rep. Wasserman-Schultz
Rep. Blackburn
Stephanopoulos: Ben Nelson can you live with
the health reform bill or will you kill yourself
if it’s enacted

Nelson: no I hate it but Harry Reid threatened me

Stephanopoulos: how?

Nelson: he would have read the entire bill to me and that was more than I could handle

Stephanopoulos: Crazy Tom you promised to read the whole bill out loud - why did you cave in?

Coburn: I can’t read

Coburn: the problem with health care is that people have too much health which costs too much

Nelson: the Republican is right

Stephanopoulos: what a diverse panel this is!

Coburn: This is bill is fascist! Why do specialists make more money than primary care?? It’s just
like Dachau!!

Wasserman-Schultz: yes because everyone at Dachau had good health care and were mostly worried about the skyrocketing premiums

Coburn: that’s what I heard

Wasserman-Schultz: with all due respect did you
go to school in the Caribbean?

Coburn: I am an verteran of the great Grenada Lebanon Distraction War

Blackburn: this is government takeover of
health care and also it fails because there is no malpractice reform

Wasserman-Schultz: Medicare is pretty successful

Blackburn: sure, if you’re fan of Hitler!

Wasserman-Schultz: Hey dumbass this plan covers people and saves money

Stephanopoulos: Ben Nelson you’re one of
the Democrats who oppose the public option for no reason

Nelson: because it’s fascism - which is fine for Massachusetts but not Nebraska

Stephanopoulos: so you will vote against it
if it has a public option

Nelson: no I will oppose it for many other reasons!

Stephanopoulos: what’s the real reason Ben
- be honest

Nelson: it undermines the private insurers

Coburn: name one government agency that
works well

Stephanopoulos: Medicare, Veterans health, the CDC, the Pentagon-

Coburn: that’s a government-centered approach

Stephanopoulos: -to government

Coburn: indeed we should turn over all military affairs to private contractors

Stephanopoulos: I thought we did

Coburn: Medicare denies care all the time
- this bill establishes a Department of Death Panels and Killing Grandparents

Stephanopoulos: that could be controversial

Blackburn: on page 1,200 of the health bill it bans all mammograms - it’s amazing!!!

Wasserman-Schultz: oh that’s bullshit

Blackburn: these conveniently timed Bush-era recommendations are outrageous!

Coburn: I can’t believe a bureaucracy would decide what is covered under insurance!

Nelson: I agree - insurers are some of the most wonderful people I know whereas all bureaucrats spend their days dreaming of killing people

Stephanopoulos: but if you don’t have some guidelines how do control costs?

Nelson: I want to save costs - I just don’t want the rules to be applied to white people in Nebraska

Blackburn: Obama’s czar is going to be in
the exam room!

Wasserman-Schultz: we haven’t discussed the insurance companies rationing at all

Blackburn: sure they’re evil - but they make money and we need that in America

Stephanopoulos: Tom Coburn I know your insanity is a sore subject but people say you were a party
to corruption

Coburn: that’s a lie

Stephanopoulos: you didn’t serve as an intermediary with Ensign and his crazy family?

Coburn: oh that - yeah I did that - but only because I’m such a nice guy

Stephanopoulos: I can see that

Coburn: you don’t know what it’s like in the Republican Senate caucus - I’m obsessed with lesbians in high school bathroom and I’m considered the normal one

Stephanopoulos: wow

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Meet the Press with Hillary Clinton, Newt Gingrich & Al Sharpton - November 15, 2009

Meet The Press
November 15, 2009
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Secretary of Education Arne Duncan
Newt Gingrich
Al Sharpton
Gregory: Hi Hillary

Clinton: morning Fluffy

Gregory: Secretary Clinton why would we enforce the rule of law against really bad people?

Clinton: Greggers New York City isn’t afraid to try these people and bring them to justice

Gregory: but having super-terrorists in New York City is so scary!

Clinton: Calm down Fluffy - I don’t how it works
in California but here in New York our jails have locks and everything

Gregory: speaking of being terrified of brown swarthy terrorists - why haven’t you closed
Gitmo yet?

Clinton: we want to leave it nice so we’re painting and mowing the lawn first

Gregory: makes sense

Gregory: I hear Obama is considering invading Afghanistan

Clinton: maybe

Gregory: Jill Eikenberry says sending more troops to Afghanistan could backfire

Clinton: you mean Karl Eikenberry

Gregory: him too

Clinton: we need to defeat al-qaeda

Gregory: ok

Clinton: and also the Taliban

Gregory: right

Clinton: so we can’t leave until the Afghan government has defeated the Taliban on its
own and rules a peaceful nation

Gregory: what’s the deal with Hamid Karzai

Clinton: on the plus side he’s a handsome man
and a snappy dresser - on the other hand he’s a power-hungry megalomaniac

Gregory: just like Donald Trump

Clinton: look Bush completely fucked up
this country

Gregory: yes Afghanistan is in really bad shape

Clinton: I meant the U.S.

Gregory: oh

Clinton: I don’t think I can overstate how hated George Bush was around the world and frankly he dropped the ball on Bin Laden along with everything else he touched

Gregory: Obama is going to pay homage to
Our Chinese Overlords

Clinton: you know when my husband Bill was President we almost eliminated the debt and since then Stupid wasted 2 trillion dollars so it’s up to Obama and me to fix all his mistakes

Gregory: how do we combat the wily orientals?

Clinton: sure we’re rivals but we have a common enemy who presents a threat to the stability of the whole world

Gregory: North Korea?

Clinton: Sarah Palin

Gregory: She wants to have coffee with you

Clinton: it would be fascinating to meet someone who’s never read a newspaper before

Gregory: will you read her book?

Clinton: I will if she does

Gregory: can her brand of Crazy take over the GOP?

Clinton: I sure hope so

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG it’s such a cute odd couple - Newt Gingrich and Al Sharpton are going to come up with a bipartisan solution to failing education in America!

Gregory: Newt and Al - both of you are widely disliked - so thank you for coming on my show today

Gingrich: right on

Sharpton: dude!

[ fist bump each other ]

Gregory: people say America doesn’t manufacture anything anymore Arne but you say we have excellent Dropout Factories

Duncan: that’s right - we want achievement and to raise the bar and remove firewalls

Gregory: those are some very inspiring clich├ęs

Duncan: we must challenge the status quo, go outside our comfort zones and hope for change

Gingrich: this is the civil right of the 21st century

Duncan: we need good schools

Gregory: interesting

Gingrich: some schools are poor and violent and that’s bad

Sharpton: the poor and minorities are really getting screwed by our failing schools

Gregory: Newt you wanted to rid of the Department
of Education

Gingrich: in an ideal world every child would get
a Pell grant and buy their education on the open free market

Sharpton: hell parents have failed as well

Gregory: have we achieved anything?

Sharpton: we have succeeded in getting Newt
and me back on tv!

Gregory: since the teachers unions are evil why should we believe that a liberal will enforce accountability?

Duncan: if there was real accountability Rachel Maddow would take your job Fluffy

Gregory: what if teachers lie to you?

Duncan: I could kiss their ass like you do

Gingrich: the teachers union is responsible for
kids going to prison

Sharpton: we also need parents involved

Gregory: now wait just a minute - I invited you here
to bash teachers unions not for some debate about education

Sharpton: I heard back in Harlem you were a moron

Gingrich: Al Sharpton and I can inspire the whole world with our bipartisanship attention-seeking

Gregory: Are our teachers just stupid and should we have a West Point of Teachers?

Duncan: hard-working, service, public service,
blah blah blah

Gingrich: Jefferson said self-knowledge is vital

Gregory: Thomas Jefferson?

Gingrich: no George Jefferson - in the Hawaii episode

Gregory: that is so wise

Gingrich: the damm kids need discipline for the first time in their lives!

Sharpton: I never knew I was underprivileged because my mother taught me right

Gregory: Should we have a national failed curriculum?

Gingrich: no because some districts want to
teach kids that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to meetups with blond haired blue-eyed Republican tax-cutting Jesus

This Week with George Stephanopoulos with Hillary Clinton - November 15, 2009

November 15, 2009
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Rudy Giuliani
Stephanopoulos: Obama invaded Afghanistan but can we really win there?

Clinton: George you can be sure if Obama wants to conquer Afghanistan he’s going to damm well do it

Stephanopoulos: Ambassador Eikenberry says more troops will hurt the effort

Clinton: we’re going to defeat al-qaeda dammit!

Stephanopoulos: didn’t we do that already?

Clinton: yes but they’re very wily - they have
ties to the unsavory elements of the indigenous people there

Stephanopoulos: Hamid Karzai?

Clinton: The Taliban

Stephanopoulos: Karzai is pretty corrupt isn’t he?

Clinton: it’s ok we’re going to get a Official Certification that he’s only to spend money
in a non-corrupt and totally ethical way

Stephanopoulos: you can’t even get that
in New Jersey!

Clinton: we need to find an off-ramp out of there

Stephanopoulos: it looks like we got lost
and drove into another country

Clinton: Pakistan is a theatre

Stephanopoulos: Kabuki?

Clinton: Improv

Stephanopoulos: Saint Giuliani of 9/11 says the American justice system sucks

Clinton: well he was US Attorney from NYC so
he would know

Stephanopoulos: seriously?

Clinton: no you twerp

Stephanopoulos: can you find nice homes for all the Gitmo detainees who turned out to be innocent

Clinton: we’re going to get them low-rate mortgages

Stephanopoulos: Sarah Palin wants to a coffee
date with you

Clinton: I’d love to meet her and find out how her brain works

Stephanopoulos: are you running for Governor
of New York?

Clinton: ha - I’m already Secretary of State
for god’s sake

[ break]

Stephanopoulos: welcome Saint Rudy - are you running for Governor?

Giuliani: yes - I plan to lose to Andrew Cuomo
next year

Stephanopoulos: you praised federal trials for terrorists before the GOP went full-in crazy

Giuliani: oh no no but you see a fair trial will take too long - plus there is a risk that they might be found not guilty and we can’t take that chance

Stephanopoulos: ah

Giuliani: also this sends a wrong message - that
we are not at war with random crazy people everywhere like Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, and U.S. Army Major Hasan

Stephanopoulos: are you saying Major Hasan was a foreign soldier who declared war on the U.S.?

Giuliani: yes - he had novelty business cards that said “Soldier of God”!

Stephanopoulos: to be fair Mike Huckabee
has those too

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Meet The Press - November 8, 2009

Meet The Press
November 8, 2009
General Casey
Gov. Haley Barbour
Gov. Ed Rendell
Gregory: General I love your fatigues

Casey: thanks

Gregory: was this Fort Hood guy a lone gunman

Casey: I can’t answer that

Gregory: people think that counseling veterans stressed out by combat and then being sent to Iraq himself may have made him snap

Casey: and this is a surprise to you?

Gregory: how did the Army miss the warning signs?

Casey: Fluffy we really don’t know what happened

Gregory: but he hated our wars!

Casey: you are a silly person

Gregory: if he wanted to be discharged why not let him?

Casey: are you kidding - a muslim psychiatrist is like gold fluffy - gold!

Gregory: we send soldiers to repeated tours of duty - is that bad?

Casey: sure - we’re thinking about training soldiers to deal with it better

Gregory: but we will keep sending them into combat?

Casey: the empire won’t run itself Greggers

Gregory: can U.S. muslims fight our ongoing
war on Islam?

Casey: we don’t have a war on Islam

Gregroy: ok - should we send 40,000 troops
to Afghanistan?

Casey: yeah like I’m going to answer that

Gregory: The House passed a Democratic health reform bill so let me turn to an expert - Haley Barbour

Barbour: those Dems fahailed!

Gregory: aren’t the Democrats doomed Ed?

Rendell: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: but the centrists!

Rendell: calm down Fluffy

Barbour: theah merkin paypal don’t want government crammed down theah throat

Gregory: the middle class will hate the bill won’t they

Rendell: look you idiot it’s a good bill that will help millions of people

Gregory: Governor Barbour are the Democrats totally doomed?

Barbour: sadly yes - David Broder said so

Gregory: oh noe!

Barbour: people are very angry at health care reform - they want jobs - so of course they are turning to Republicans with their great track record

Gregory: the Moonie Times and Politico say Obama is doing too much and also not doing enough

Rendell: wow that’s stupid

Gregory: but he’s doing too much

Rendell: that’s silly

Gregory: just bash Obama ok

Barbour: Look its very simple - Obama is only popular because he is black and Americans just love
black people

Gregory: of course

Gregory: what do you think of Sarah Palin

Barbour: she’s an idiot

Gregory: could she be President?

Barbour: of what?

Gregory: will you run for President?

Barbour: we’ve done worse than me

Rendell: I don’t know about that

Gregory: Ed is Obama totally doomed?

Rendell: yeah whatever Fluffers

Gregory: please sing the praises of Saint Ronnie of the Deficit

Barbour: Reagan helped ordinary people not the rich fat cats on Wall Street

Rendell: what the fuck??

Gregory: do we need to send 40,000 more troops
to Afghanistan?

Barbour: definitely and if Obama sends then I promise we won’t compare him to Hitler anymore

Gregory: and if he doesn’t?

Barbour: the entire 2010 election will revolve around Dachau

Rendell: where are all these troops supposed to come from?

Barbour: Buddha will provide

[ break ]

Gregory: Obama has to send non-existent troops to Afghanistan or else he will be called a British-Indonesian-Kenyan-Muslim American-hater

Brooks: right

Maddow: they will call him StalinHitler no matter what

Gillespie: we have learned from the mistakes of the Bush administration that Obama is a bad President

Dionne: oh wait I just remembered something about Afghanistan - we’re totally fucked there

Gregory: Obama achieved a great victory last night

Maddow: except for not covering women

Gillespie: the bill uses the word “shall” and of course we can’t have government mandating things

Brooks: we’re America - we can’t afford to help sick Americans

Dionne: Reagan said Medicare was terrible - in 50 years Gillespie will sing the praises of Pelosi-care

Gillespie: under Obamacare I won’t live that long!

Maddow: the Republican plan really would wreck the economy - no one ever mentions that because they’re so worthless

Dionne: It’s simple - health care reform is a good fucking idea

Brooks: the problem with our system is we spend
too much making sick people well

Gregory: The Democrats lost on Tuesday!

Gillespie: Conservatives won in Virginia which is truly amazing

Maddow: Deeds lost because he sucked and ran away from Obama

Brooks: Democrats lost the county executive race in Westchester because Obama is bad man

Gregory: We have 10% unemployment in the
Obama recession!

Maddow: hey you might as well have second stimulus because the Dems and Obama are going to get blamed anyway

Brooks: John Maynard Keynes was wrong about everything

Dionne: actually the stimulus was too small

Gillespie: we need to bring back that Bush economy - fuck yeah!

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - November 8, 2009

This Week with George Stephanopoulos
November 8, 2009
Tim Kaine
Michael Steele
Stephanopoulos: hi did you bring any kids
or props today

Kaine: who do I look like Carrot Top?

Steele: [ waves foam finger ] it’s off the hook!

Stephanopoulos: Last night the House passed a health care billt

Kaine: Teddy Roosevelt wanted this bill and he was a big white hunting Republican

Steele: the problem with this bill is that is gives the government power and the U.S. government is evil

Kaine: ok

Steele: it’s a trick to debate late on a Saturday night - I mean we Republicans were all watching
Taylor Swift on NBC!

Kaine: we had months of debate idiot

Steele: no not really - we sent Obama a letter in April telling him to adopt GOP ideas and we never heard back from him

Kaine: are you sure you sent it to the White House?

Steele: we addressed it to “That Kenyan-Muslim Usurper, The Reagan House, Pennsylvania avenue”

Steph: are you the party of “No”

Steele: No

Steph: ok

Stephanopoulos: are Democrats doomed with independents?

Kaine: yeah sure good luck with that
argument Stephy

Steele: People voted for Chris Christie because they wanted to vote against Democrats in Washington

Kaine: sure they did

Steele: Boeher will be speaker of the house

Kaine: yikes

Stephanopoulos: hey I bought this suit at JC Pennys

Kaine: this year we’ve picked up two senate seats and two house seats

Steele: true - but Obama is still black

Stephanopoulos: so are you

Steele: [ SPIT TAKE ]
holy shit!

Steph: not again

Kaine: we’re creating stimulus jobs

Steele: that’s a government contract - not a real job

Lockheed Martin: damm right!

Stephanopoulos: you lost the NY-23 district

Steele: no the conservative won that seat
two years from now

Stephanopoulos: um what

Steele: we have a future victory

Kaine: they lost the seat they held since 1870 because Sarah Palin is idiot and the GOP is imploding

Steele: There’s a 2,000 pound baby on the railroad tracks of progress

Stephanopoulos: okay then

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Face the Nation with Joe Lieberman - November 1, 2009

Face the Nation
November 1, 2009
Guest: Sen. Joe Lieberman (CFL-CT)

Schieffer: Holy Joe thanks for coming

Lieberman: thank you very much Bob

Schieffer: So the Democrats may pass health care reform public option - what do you think?

Lieberman: I’m all for health care reform but we have to worry about the state of the economy in 20 years and a public option might help people and save lives in the short term but in the long run it will run up the debt and destroy America

[ shakes jowls vigorously ]

Schieffer: but most people like it

Lieberman: sure they do but this crazy idea
that people deserve health care just came
out of nowhere!

Schieffer: Liberals say we need it to save lives

Lieberman: true but we must be ready to kill the many to save the few who make our incredibly
fragile economy the envy of the world

Schieffer: will you filibuster a public option?

Lieberman: I will - I must stop this horrific idea
that the government would create an entitlement
for health care

[begins weeping]

Schieffer: you think people are not entitled to
decent health care?

Lieberman: not if they are not as wonderful as I am

Schieffer: is anyone in America as terrific as you?

Lieberman: touchdown Jesus

Schieffer: but your filibuster could kill all health
care reform

Lieberman: oh no I’m not the one who would
do that - those horrible people who push for the public option are -- they are mean and say if you
are not for the government insurance you must
be a bad person

[ starts crying ]

Schieffer: would rather have no reform at all
than a government-run insurance program

Lieberman: yes - because the public plan will be
so very expensive that no one will enroll in it which will be bad because it will be too unpopular and
also it will run up the debt and raise taxes when everyone enrolls

Schieffer: this has nothing to do with the $400,000 you got this year alone from insurance companies

Lieberman: oh no no no I hate insurance companies

Schieffer: really?

Lieberman: yeah I even pretended I would remove their anti-trust exemption

[ wipes tears]

Schieffer: will you stop crying

Lieberman: this takes us down a road America has never gone down before - America providing health care to its citizens is a nightmare scenario


Schieffer: you also want to put more troops in Afghanistan even though their government is
totally corrupt

Lieberman: Oh no no Karzai is the Last Honest Man in Afghanistan - our troops need to believe in his inherent goodness

Schieffer: you’re like a jowly Rush Limbaugh

Lieberman: no I actually don't believe Obama despises America or fakes his compassion
for the troops

Schieffer: golly you’re such a moderate

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Meet The Press - Halloween Episode - October 31, 2009

Meet The Press
October 31, 2009
Sen. John McCain
Count Dracula
The Mummy
The Wolfman

Gregory: Welcome to this special edition of
Meet The Press - thank you all for coming

McCain: thank you David

Dracula: yeeesss thank you Daaahhveed Greegorrry

Frankenstein: Mr. Gregory nice to be here

Wolfman: Good morning everyone

Zombie: Glad to be here, Dave

Mummy: mmmmmph rrrrmmmpph

Gregory: Senator McCain let’s start with you -
the House Democrats have proposed a 2,000
page health reform bill with a public option
- do they have the votes to pass this and can the Republicans stop it?

McCain: my friends this proposal is not the right thing to do - we need to start over, go back to the drawing board and-

Zombie: Fresh brains!!! mmmmrrrrrrgghhhh!!!!

[ zombie lunges at McCain ]

Gregory: zombie please don’t eat John
McCain’s brain

McCain: aaaaaarrhhhh

Zombie: grrraarrmmmphhh nom nom nom nom

Gregory: great now McCain is wandering around
the studio aimlessly

Frankenstein: so nothing new then

Wolfman: ha good one Frank

Frankenstein: thanks Wolf

Gregory: ok John McCain is now one of the undead - let’s move on

McCain: moooooaaaannn

Gregory: Dracula what do you think of this
health reform bill

Dracula: Daaavid Gregorrry I must say this bill eees
a terrible idea - Americans viiill lose access to health care, and insurance companies vill be put out
of business

Gregory: to be fair you are Transylvanian and immortal

Dracula: Nevertheless Daaavid Grrregory ze American people don’t vant a puuuublic option
- zey vant lower taxes and tort reforrrm

Wolfman: I strongly disagree. Look at me - being a wolfman is a preexisting condition - how am I supposed to get health insurance now?? Plus I have
sciatica, high blood pressure, and distemper!

Gregory: sorry to hear that

Mummy: mmmmrrrrph arrrruummph

Gregory: Frankenstein what do you think?

Frankenstein: Actually I’m The Creature - Frankenstein was the scientist who created me

Gregory: oh really sorry

Frankenstein: it’s okay - you can call me Frank

McCain: [ wanders across stage ]

Frankenstein: David it’s clear we need single-payer insurance - if government insurance is good enough for members of Congress and our military, why not everyone else?

Gregory: but the deficit!!!

Frankenstein: Calm down Fluffy - it’s more efficient and speaking as someone is himself stitched from parts of dead bodies - I know how much we need this

Dracula: eees a government takeover of health carrre and eess a jobs kiiiiller

Gregory: I should tell our viewers Dracula that you sit on the board of directors of Aetna and United Health and have $200 million in health insurance stock

Dracula: [ shrugs ] I have made a few investments over zeee last 500 yearrrs, eees true

Zombie: I’m very concerned about the details - for example will there be negotiated rates? Who will be eligible for the public option? And most importantly -
will it cover fresh brains???

Gregory: all good questions

McCain: [cuts in front of camera ]
aaaaarrrhhh braaaains

Gregory: the public option has created a firestorm
of controversy

Frankenstein: Fire BAAAD!!!!

Wolfman: without single-payer this is basically a giveaway to the insurance companies, for example oh no full moon oh no nooo ow ow oww OW OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

[ turns into wolf, leaps on zombie John McCain ]

McCain: aaaaiiiieeeee

Gregory: oh Wolfman is biting the senator

Frankenstein: that’s a shame

Gregory: Ok he just ate John McCain - let’s move on

[ Dracula stares at Gregory’s neck ]

Gregory: Mummy you’re from the middle east - if
we leave Iraq and Afghanistan don’t we just surrender to the terrorists?

Mummy: I once read in hieroglyphics that you
were a moron

Gregory: we have to stay for the honor of our troops! Also spending on health care is bad!

Mummy: you’re like the Rosetta Stone of Stupidity

Dracula: I haf liiived for 800 yeeearrss and I must say I think that theeees eees not so good a situation

Mummy: Granted the extremists are dangerous -
but what are we doing there? And is bombing people really going to win over the people? We went up against the Greek, Romans, and Napoleon and the pyramids are still around

Gregory: good point

McCain: oooooohhhhh!!!!! ow owww oooooowwwwwww!!!!

Gregory: great now Senator John McCain is
a werewolf

Dracula: you have lovely skiiiin Dahveeeed Gregorrrry

Gregory: thanks very much Count

Dracula: pleeez call me Vlaaad

Gregory: Vlad what about Congressional race in upstate New York - the Republican nominee just dropped out!

Frankenstein: sure people hate Republicans

Gregory: no she quit in favor of a right wing
crazy person

Dracula: this eees good news for Repuuuuublicans - Scozzafava vas not a real Repuuuublican - she doesn’t believe in teabagging, African birth certificates, or demonized Hallowen candy - there’s no room for that kind of thinking in today’s party Dahveed Greeegorrry

Gregory: Hoffman is a vampire, isn’t he?

Dracula: [ smiles slyly ] maybe

Gregory: Oooh tell me who else is???

Dracula: just between us - Karl Rove, Pat and Bay Buchanan, Mary Matalin and-

Gregory: and James Carville?

Dracula: oh no - I think he eees some kind
of underground trolll

Gregory: ah

Dracula: how vould like to be immorrrrtal, dahveed?
[strokes Gregory's hair]

Gregory: gee I don’t know

Dracula: don’t reeesiiist me dahveed

[ lunges over, bites Gregory on the neck ]

Gregory: oh my

Dracula: you are now a vampire - a member of the glorious family of the soulless undead, sucking the blood of the living for eternity

Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]
and we’ll be back next Sunday for another edition of Meet The Press where my guest will be zombie werewolf John McCain

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Meet The Press - October 25, 2009

Meet The Press
October 25, 2009
Sen. Cornyn
Sen. Schumer
Aaron Sorkin
Erin Burnett
Joe Scarborogh
Jane Mayer
Tavis Smiley
Dan Senor
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn there was a bombing in Iraq so does this prove that Obama is a bad President?

Cornyn: yes - Tommy Friedman said so

Schumer: Not true - our soldiers are heroes

Gregory: have we won in Iraq?

Schumer: we never should have invaded in the first place Fluffers

Gregory: Sen Schumer it may feel good to limit welfare to $500,000 but the reality is that it’s just punishment!

Schumer: that’s fucking stupid Dancin’ Dave

Gregory: But if Obama cuts their pay, they are going to quit and get another better jobs and that will hurt the companies and then they won’t be able to pay their welfare back!!!

Cornyn: holy shit even I can’t follow that logic

Gregory: an executive told me they will quit for other jobs where they ruin other companies for millions
of dollars

Cornyn: Don’t worry Fluffy they will just get paid
in gold wastebaskets

Gregory: But isn’t it wrong for the government
to shame wonderful dignified poor little failed executives??

Schumer: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: Public option - yes or no?

Schumer: I propose creating a public health insurance company - but one as badly run as private insurers so there will be a level playing field

Gregory: What is President Snowe’s position?

Schumer: Liberals Dems can live with it, Wanker Dems don’t like it but may not fillibuster

Gregory: Sen. Cornyn can you live with a public option?

Cornyn: OMG I just remember that the debt is bad!!!

Gregory: the debt built up under Reagan, Bush, and Bush Jr.?

Cornyn: Public option is a Trojan Horse for Single-Payer!

Schumer: oh fuck these GOP fuckers - they didn’t pay for Iraq, Afghanistan, Bailout Boy’s spending and all the other shit they pulled

Cornyn: well then let’s get rid of Social Security

Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is dithering on fixing the problems of Cheney administration

Schumer: ha - fuck that stupid fuck

Cornyn: President McChrystal says Gen. Obama should give him more troops!

Gregory: Did Cheney provide enough troops?

Cornyn: Clearly not - but the issue is not troops
but a bad strategy

Schumer: Bush’s bad strategy!

Cornyn: well technically

Gregory: Senator you’re a Republican - is Obama in trouble?

Cornyn: indeed - the election they haven’t lost in Virginia is a cautionary tale for liberals

Schumer: yeah stick with that you stupid fuck


Gregory: Is Obama killing Wall Street by limiting them to a salary $500,000??

Burnett: No they’ll just get paid in stock options

Gregory: oh thank god

Sorkin: they’re all going to quit and work for Goldman Sachs - it’s so, so sad

Gregory: why would Goldman pay them that much?

Sorkin: they all belong to same country club

Gregory: we have to encourage risk - that’s
how money is made in the world!

Sorkin: right

Gregory: [ high pitched squeaky voice ]

Sure it’s easy to bash AIG but we want them to be healthier and so we have to pay their failed executives millions!!

[ laughs ]

Burnett: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: but the debt!!

Burnett: sorry but we need to spend this money

Gregory: [ sobs ]

Gregory: OMG Obama is trying to undermine conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, insurance executives and Fox News!!

Scarborough: the mainstream media does whatever Fox wants and that hasn’t changed

Gregory: has Obama changed the tone in Washington?

Smiley: as the liberal here I agree Obama is uncivil, unaccountable, and this is all a distraction

Gregory: thank you liberal Tavis Smiley

Mayer: hey Fluffers all Presidents do this - you’re just holding Obama to a higher standard

Scarborough: of course - because everyone knows that Republicans are evil

Mayer: so he’s not Gandhi

Scarborough: he promised to be Gandhi

Gregory: where's the saintly Obama were promised?

Scarborough: of course Nixon was evil he was a Republican

Senor: Rush Limbaugh is thrilled!

Smiley: this is all a distraction dammit!!

Scarborough: all America wakes up every morning listening to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh!

Gregory: where is the public option?

Scarborough: Liberals are angry at Obama for pushing a trigger

Gregory: how do you know?

Scarborough: Arianna Huffington says so

Gregory: so why don’t I just invite her on?

Scarborough: I’m so charming

Gregory: Is a Obama wishy-washy failure?

Smiley: He’s gotta lead!

Mayer: the Constitution requires 60 voters to enact legislation!

Senor: Republicans in Congress wanted to work with the President but he betrayed them with his partisan hatred

Gregory: Cheney says Obama is dithering
and killing troops

Senor: Obama is too obsessed with Cheney just because the former vice president accuses him of playing golf and letting US soldiers die

Gregory: fascinating

Senor: I don’t want to say Obama is dithering but there are all these questions out there about whether Obama loves America or wants to see men and women in uniform die

Gregory: Jane you say we’re using drones to
bomb people

Mayer: It’s the new American way to fight - killing innocent people using robots from above

Smiley: this is nonsense!

Scarborough: This proves that targeted assassinations are the way to go

Senor: we need thousands of marines!

Mayer: whoa dudes put your goddamm dicks away

Gregory: is there a fight in the Republican party?

Scarborough: yes!

Mayer: sounds bad for the GOP

Scarborough: no this is good news Republicans
- it always is

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 25, 2009

October 25, 2009
Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
Stephanopoulos: Mitch can Harry Reid finally kill a GOP filibuster of health care reform?

McConnell: yes his plan to kill grandchildren is working

Stephanopoulos: private insurers are killing small businesses so why not have a public option?

McConnell: [laughing] hell no the government should not be in the health insurance business

Stephanopoulos: so you want to rid of Medicare?

McConnell: [chuckling] look the American people don’t want this bill

Stephanopoulos: but the polls say that everyone in America hates you

McConnell: sure people are disaffected but we’ll see how the American people feel when some rednecks vote in Virginia

Stephanopoulos: so you really believe everything is going fine in the Republican party?

McConnell: absolutely - all the nervousness is on the Democratic side

Stephanopoulos: wow

Stephanopoulos: Claire can we fix health care or do should do what the GOP wants

McCaskill: these so-called deficit hawks should be the first to want to reform the health care system

Stephanopoulos: will people be forced to buy insurance at an insurance exchange or gun show?

McCaskill: no only Congress and the Irish will have to

Stephanopoulos: what exactly is the public option?

McCaskill: oh we’ll have only kinds of votes - opt-in, opt-out, triggers, mandatory gay abortions, human-animal hybrid baby Einsteins…

Stephanopoulos: President Snowe will only accept a public option which doesn’t exist

McCaskill: We’re very very concerned about giving President Snowe whatever she wants

Stephanopoulos: so how do you get GOP votes?

McCaskill: we need to get votes from moderates like Snowe and right-wing nuts like Evan Bayh

Stephanopoulos: ok

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: George will there be a public option?

Will: the media are cleverly trying to trick American into thinking if 60 Senators vote for something that means it will pass

Podesta: the health care costs are hurting small businesses!

Hunt: Snowe is from Maine which means she is honest

Stephanopoulos: oh

Hunt: she hates the public option and no bill without her can pass because the Democrats can’t play games and just pass a vote with 60 Democrats - that’s a terrible idea

Stephanopoulos: of course

Ingraham: the America people suddenly remembered after 30 years of GOP spending that they are worried about the debt and also the Democrats will kill their grandchildren

Tucker: Maybe Snowe can allow the public option get an up or down vote and then she can vote against it if she wants

Will: all bills should be on the Internet

Hunt: we should give liberals the trigger option to shut them up

Stephanopoulos: Should we cut executive pay to a salary of a mere $500,000

Podesta: well why not?

Will: they should get paid as low-level civil servants nothing more

Ingraham: The GOP philosophy is that people on welfare should make millions of dollars

Hunt: some say that people who destroyed America shouldn’t get rich off that - but those are just childish pitchfork populists

Tucker: the Bailout Boys had their entire industry bailed out and frankly they shouldn’t even make $500,000 for god’s sake!

Stephanopoulos: Controversy!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Meet the Press - October 18, 2009

October 18, 2009
White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett
Sen. Chris Dodd
Sen. John Kyl
Maria Shriver
John Podesta
Gregory: OMG the economy has not done well since January of 2009!!

Jarrett: that’s right - which goes to show how bad a President George Bush was

Gregory: [high pitched voice] so what is he going to do about it??

Jarrett: step one is stave off disaster, step two is move the economy from ‘craptacular’ to ‘mediocre’

Gregory: second stimulus?

Jarrett: he plans to create 40,000 more jobs next month

Gregory: how is that?

Jarrett: Invade Uzbekistan

Gregory: Obama says he’s going take on the nice insurance industry but they’re his partners - it’s so sad!

Jarrett: the message is - don’t make Obama mad!!

Gregory: but Politico says unions are really mad that Obama is going to raise taxes on the middle class

Jarrett: hey Fluffy is this was easy someone else would have done it already - but don’t stop Obama - he’s one TNT motherfucker!!

Gregory: Will he push for a public option?

Jarrett: he likes it

Gregory: but will he demand it?

Jarrett: he will ask nicely for it

Gregory: what happened to ‘yes we can’?

Jarrett: it’s now “affirmative we will try, fuckers”

Gregory: how can American get the pig flu as fast as possible

Rice: we have a whole website devoted helping get the flu

Gregory: what’s your answer

Jarrett: wash your hands, stop sneezing, and skip the ER visit - just go to

[ break ]

Gregory: should we have a public option?

Dodd: you’re damm right we should

Gregory: so how can it happen if Obama doesn’t push for it

Dodd: we’ll roll it out and test drive it and then argue for it

Gregory: it sounds like you’re planning for a big defeat

Dodd: I’m confident that we might be able to get someone to vote for it

Gregory: Republican Senator I’d like ask you a tough question - why is the Republican party so darn popular?

Kyl: I’m glad you asked me that tough question - it’s because we’re so wonderful

Gregory: what’s your health care plan?

Kyl: let the free market take care of sick, dying, penniless people!

Greg: how would that work?

Kyl: they could sell their organs in a reverse mortgage - dammit do I have to think of everything??

Greg: do you support a trigger option?

Kyl: hell no!

Dodd: hell no!

Gregory: finally some bipartisanship!

Gregory: hey Kyl - why doesn’t Afghanistan have to be deficit neutral?

Kyl: 9/11

Gregory: so what about people dying for lack of health insurance?

Kyl: free market

Gregory: that’s all you’ve got?

Kyl: grrrrrr

Dodd: people are dying in his state every day!

Kyl: well most of them were old anyway

Gregory: Wall Street bonuses?

Dodd: it’s an outrage!

Kyl: now we have to be very careful because we want to express our outrage and bash Obama but also not in any way limit massive unnecessary wasteful welfare bonuses for capitalist overlords

Gregory: okay then

Gregory: wow - there are girls in the workforce!

Shriver: Half of workers are women - we have to adapt to this crazy change

Jarrett: First thank you Fluffy for spotlighting this

Gregory: thanks Val

Jarrett: we need families to thrive to meet this challenge of women who work

Gregory: this is all about me, and you of course

Podesta: that’s right - the battle of the sexes is over and Billie Jean King won

Gregory: married couples are negotiating the rules of their relationship

Podesta: wow those Geico cavemen must be so confused

Shriver: It’s smart for business to support the American worker

Audience: good luck with that

Gregory: People expect women to take care of the kids, make dinner and hold down a job

Jarrett: Look at Michelle Obama - top lawyer, mother, and helped Barack become President

Gregory: what about the male ego?

Shriver: I live with Arnold so I know what you’re talking about

Gregory: I have no ego

Shriver: well that makes sense - I’ve seen your show

Podesta: 80% of men said they were happy to have women make more money and also take care of the kids and elderly parents

Gregory: fascinating

Gregory: this paper says men should be flexible because women change their minds all the time

Jarrett: that’s right - you gotta go with the flow

Shriver: the recession has hit male jobs first

Gregory: so what’s the answer?

Shriver: telecommuting

Gregory: I just had a conversation with a female executive asking her if I could phone Meet the Press in

Shriver: what did she say?

Gregory: she thought I already was

Gregory: why does school have to get out at 3:00, it’s very inconvenient

Gregory: Republicans say it’s bad that women are working

Shriver: well we need women working but also be there when their kids come home too

Gregory: when do we get a woman President?

Podesta: well Nancy Pelosi is Speaker so we will someday

Gregory: but even Hillary Clinton couldn’t do it!

Shriver: well maybe women just don’t want to put themselves through all that just to prove how awesome they are

Gregrory: [ fluffs hair ] maybe Maria

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 18, 2009

October 18, 2009
White House Advisor David Axelrod
Stephanopoulos: Axel Is it time for Obama to get tough and stick a sharpened screwdriver into John Boehner?

Axelrod: Obama is plenty tough but he’s also thoughtful

Stephanopoulos: When is he going to twist some arms and make Max Baucus cry?

Axelrod: we’ve already accomplished more than you ever did Stephy

Stephanopoulos: Is it true Obama might take away the insurance anti-trust exemption??

Axelrod: ha ha - now what were you just saying about getting tough?

Stephanopoulos: so will you take it away?

Axelrod: We’ll see what Congress does

Stephanopoulos: so will Obama sign it?

Axelrod: Let’s just this conversation didn’t just happen

Stephanopoulos: Are you paying too much attention to President Snowe?

Axelrod: I know people say that but she is our Magic Conservative

Stephanopoulos: who wins this contest - the majority of Americans or Olympia?

Axelrod: we’ll split the difference and give her whatever she wants

Stephanopoulos: Will you pay for this with a tax on Cadillacs?

Axelrod: these high-end health plans cover necessary things like erection pills but unnecessary things like abortion

Stephanopoulos: I see

Stephanopoulos: Republicans says Obama will increase the deficit

Axelrod: yeah well they also say he is a British Indonesian from Nairobi

Stephanopoulos: aha [ scribbles note ]

Axelrod: don’t worry we’ll pay for health care even if we have to take the drastic step of giving a speech saying we will

Stephanopoulos: New economic stimulus - yes or no?

Axelrod: Sure we have to do something - Bush left us a really really crappy economy

Stephanopoulos: Good god man - Goldman Sachs is paying out record bonuses and we gave them billions in free money!

Axelrod: what’s really sad is that they are not lending out the free money we gave them

Stephanopoulos: well what is President Obama going to do about it?

Axelrod: there’s nothing we can do except moral suasion

Stephanopoulos: Whining? That’s all??

Axelrod: we can’t micromanage their pay to employees

Stephanopoulos: It’s taxpayer money?!

Axelrod: [ wrings hands ]

Stephanopoulos: Are you at war with Fox News?

Axelrod: Fox what?

Stephanopoulos: that Fox station

Axelrod: they’re not a news station they’re a propaganda outfit and we’re not going treat them like a legitimate news station

Stephanopoulos: whoa

Axelrod: and real news stations like you should be glad because you’re real and they’re a bunch of paid liars

Stephanopoulos: aww you flatter me

Axelrod: you’re such a nice boy too

Stephanopoulos: Rupert Murdoch says you helped their ratings

Axelrod: I don’t care about their rantings

Stephanopoulos: I said ratings

Axelrod: those too

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Meet the Press - October 11, 2009

October 11, 2009
Sen. Levin
Sen. Graham
Ret. Gen. Myers
Ret. Gen. McCaffrey
Gregory: Carl shouldn’t we all just do what
President McChrystal wants?

Levin: no because Obama is the President and Gates is the Secretary of Defense and the global strategy is more important the counterinsurgency
in any one country

Gregory: should we send more troops?

Levin: we should send them more equipment like guns and mimeograph machines

Graham: What do you think Lindy?

Graham: I love the General and we should send
40,000 more troops

Gregory: but there are only 100 al qaeda in all
of Afghanistan

Myers: it’s simple - we have to combat all violent extremism and religious fanaticism all over the world

Gregory: Christ you’re going to have take on half
the Republican party

Myers: also we have to invade Uzbekistan

Gregory: yikes

McCaffrey: we have to withdraw from Afghanistan and the best way to do that is a massive buildup
of troops

Myers: we could persuade the rest of the world
to take over

Gregory: Awesome idea

Levin: Hell let the Afghans take over

Graham: we could send one million troops and
it will still fail with a bad local government

Gregory: so why the fuck do you want to send 40,000 more troops?

Graham: so we can reopen Afghan soccer stadiums

Gregory: Is Obama weak?

Graham: if he only puts us halfway in - that will
be weak

Gregory: Like George Bush did?

Graham: the Iranians are watching us for signs of weakness - they are terrified we won’t get into a quagmire there

Gregory: General what went wrong in Afghanistan?

Myers: we emphasized military action and not
social and economic development

Gregory: so in other words too much Republican policies?

Myers: we took our eye off the ball and let the Taliban take over

Gregory: it sounds like you totally fucked up

Myers: well we didn’t think so at the time
- we thought we were gods among men
creating our own reality

Gregory: what made you think that?

Myers: Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and
got him to apologize

McCaffrey: Let’s face it - Bush handed Obama one completely fucked-up situation

Levin: we have to win over the Afghan people by not murdering so many of their children

Gregory: interesting

Graham: somehow we all got focused on Iraq

Gregory: Cause Bush was obsessed with it!

Graham: Unfortunately it turns out Bush is kind
of dumb and at least Obama is a smart guy

Gregory: we’ve been there for eight fucking years

Graham: it’s a multi-generational struggle

Gregory: that’s disturbing

Graham: in the next three years we may have a trustworthy Afghan government

Myers: also we have to fix the Afghan economy

Gregory: we can’t even fix the Detroit economy!

McCaffrey: I think in 10 years we can create sparkling Afghan universities

Gregory: should we end ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’?

Levin: of course we should

Myers: what’s wrong with suppressing your sexuality - I like to wear a pink thong in combat
but you don’t hear me talking about it

Graham: you don’t make policy based on promises made in a campaign

Gregory: did Obama deserve the Nobel prize?

Graham: if Obama kills enough people I will visit him in the Lincoln bedroom one night and show him
how grateful I am

Gregory: ok I think we’ve gone into a weird area

[ break]

Gregory: Should Obama invade Afghanistan?

Woodward: Obama is on a listening tour and then he has to decide what the fuck we are doing in that remote desert nation

Gregory: but at least he’s thinking about it

Woodward: right - Bush never listened - just played with his gameboy while Cheney used the Force
to choke his underlings

Gregory: Let me quote Charles Krauthammer

Gigot: Chuck is right - Obama could do the right thing or listen to the hippies who think they’re so smart just because they are right about everything

Brownstein: yeah but we were going to crush al qaeda and we’ve done it

Gregory: what the hell are we doing there?

Kay: so what if the Taliban took over some of the remote mountainous regions of that county - does that mean they would invade Pakistan??

Gregory: where were all these nation-building Republicans in the last 8 years??

Woodward: now that Obama is President they can admit everything there is completely fucked-up

Brownstein: most Americans think Afghanistan is a necessary war they just don’t care and want us
to leave

Gregory: Let me quote Ruth Marcus saying Obama getting a Nobel is ridiculous

Gigot: the Republicans will ride this to victory
in 2010!!

Woodward: let’s face it - this was an unfair reward based on their hatred for George Bush

Gregory: Let me quote Peggy Noonan

Kay: I heard you were a hack and a moron

Brownstein: the Nobel committee doesn’t know
how to give out their own awards!

Gregory: right - they should have ceremonies where they dance with Karl Rove!

Brownstein: Obama needs to be sensitive to criticism that he is too popular

Kay: you’re all idiots

Woodward: Obama should take his shiny new
Nobel prize and use it to force Germany to take over Afghanistan

Gigot: I disagree Americans have to kick everyone out and take over this crazy-ass central Asian county

Gregory: what about the American economy?

Brownstein: we’re all in a bad national mood

Woodward: any breach between Obama and the military will prevent second stimulus

Gregory: makes sense

Gigot: failure of the health care bill is hurting business and preventing job creation

Gregory: so no jobs until health care is passed?

Gigot: right - so the GOP should filibuster it

Gregory: so this is all good news for the Republicans

Kay: if the economy recovers by the summer
of 2010 the Democrats may do very well

Gregory: oh no!
[ starts sobbing ]

Kay: Calm down Fluffy

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 11, 2009

Sen. Feinstein
Sen. Chambliss
Rep. McGovern
Ret. Gen. Keane
Stephanopoulos: Diane what’s going on
in Afghanistan?

Feinstein: Violence is up 100% and the Taliban controls half the country

Stephanopoulos: sounds terrific

Feinstein: the whole mission is in jeopardy

Stephanopoulos: I’ll take "Hopeless Quagmires"
for $1,000, Alex

Feinstein: we should stop killing civilians from above

Stephanopoulos: that’s just crazy enough to work

Chambliss: the government is hopelessly corrupt and no one wants us there - so we should greatly increase our military presence

Keane: eventually the Afghan military should
take over

Stephanopoulos: good idea - when can we do that?

Keane: 2013

Stephanopoulos: why so long?

Keane: we’re pregnant with a colony and we have
to give birth or have an abortion

McGovern: I’m told there are only 100 members
of al qaeda in Afghanistan - for this we need 100,000 new troops??

Feinstein: that depends on what the meaning of
al qaeda is

Stephanopoulos: so why stay?

Feinstein: women are begging in the streets and being beaten and we need to stabilize this country

Stephanopoulos: we’ll get to domestic policy
in a minute

Feinstein: we must respect McChrystal - after all he came from a Crackerjack box

Chambliss: If Afghanistan falls then Pakistan will
be invaded or encroached upon bad guys

Stephanopoulos: you read a lot of comic
books do you?

Chambliss: Afghanistan will attack Pakistan!

Stephanopoulos: What will General Obama do if President McChrystal opposes him?

Keane: I don’t know but it’s a moral dilemma

Stephanopoulos: He should resign - after all the President is a young black man with no medals

McGovern: jeebus we’ve been there for 8 years and we’re propping up a corrupt unelected government

Stephanopoulos: is that right Saxby?

Chambliss: Oh absolutely - which is why we have to stay - otherwise Osama bin Laden will get access to Pakistan’s nuclear weapons

Stephanopoulos: truly it is amazing Bush didn’t
win the Nobel peace prize

Chambliss: the literacy rate there is only 20% and that doesn’t work

Stephanopoulos: we’ll discuss your home state later Senator

Feinstein: we should totally get the rest of the
world to pay for the Afghan war

Stephanopoulos: good luck with that

Keane: there’s an elephant in the room in Pakistan

Stephanopoulos: that the Pakistan government has been supporting the Taliban all this time?

Keane: no it’s an actual elephant - it sits there during Cabinet meetings

Stephanopoulos: what should Obama consider when making his Afghan decision?

Chambliss: the stability of our troops and giving them what they need to stay in a far-off land in Asia

McGovern: we need to be smarter and not just maintain a useless and expensive world-wide empire

Keane: Obama has a chance to fix Bush’s fuck ups and be decisive and think about later

Feinstein: we should leave as soon as we stay and create a functioning democracy and also they must have a Disneyland

Stephanopoulos: so we have to leave a government as functional as the state of California?

Feinstein: no that would be a war crime

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming