Guests:
David Axelrod
Howard Dean
Joe Scarborough
Markos Moulistas
Ed Gillespie
Tavis Smiley
****************************
Gregory: Axel did you win or sell out all your principles for a terrible health bill?
Axelrod: both
Gregory: explain
Axelrod: we’re going to help a few people without insurance and reduce the deficit by a trillion dollars
Gregory: please say “mission accomplished”
so I can make fun of you for it
Axelrod: look I know liberals are mad but Paul Krugman supports it and it will end all preexisting conditions
Gregory: will any part of the House bill survive?
Axelrod: maybe the first “whereas”
Gregory: why the fuck do we need 60 votes to
pass laws in the Senate?
Axelrod: it’s time-honored abject stupidity
Gregory: we asked some Poles and they don’t understand this bill at all
Axelrod: when you tell people what we pretend
is in the bill then people love it
Gregory: it’s so sad that Republicans once supported Medicare but now Obama can’t
get any get GOP votes - doesn’t that prove that Obama is a total failure?
Axelrod: I heard you were a moron Fluffy -
but you’re an obtuse hack too
Gregory: [ fluffs hair ] um what
Axelrod: hey idiot - the GOP has become an obstructionist party of total assholes
Gregory: yeah but they’re rich and so funny
Axelrod: can I talk to Luke Russsert - at least
he’s adorably stupid
Gregory: Howard Dean says this bill sucks
Axelrod: well we says it does good and I’d like
to see him get a better bill enacted
Gregory: Obama promised that Ben Nelson
and Joe Lieberman would support a public option
Axelrod: that’s ridiculous - this a good bill and
that’s the important thing
Gregory: but you betrayed liberals
Axelrod: no we didn’t - we worked in the legislative process available to us
Gregory: but this is a compromise!
Axelrod: oh noes!
Gregory: Obama didn’t fight for a public option!
Axelrod: yes he did - but this is how the system works
Gregory: will the bill bring overall health costs
down or not?
Axelrod: it will reduce the deficits and reduce premiums
Gregory: but a CAT scan is still expensive!
Axelrod: I’d like to scan your brain someday
Gregory: don’t bother you won’t find anything
Axelrod: ok
Gregory: have you killed the Democrats’ chances
in 2010?
Axelrod: The President doesn’t worry about polls - he’s trying to help the nation long-term
Gregory: but if the Democrats lose seats in 2010
that will prove Americans don’t need health care
Axelrod: even though President always lose seats
in the first Congressional election
Gregory: right
[ break ]
Gregory: What's up Doc
Dean: it's snowing and you're a dancing fool
Gregory: Howard is the health care bill horrible
or great?
Dean: it’s been improved since I hated on it but
it still isn’t perfect
Gregory: so should it be supported or not?
Dean: the problem is the whole thing revolves around for-profit insurance companies
Gregory: I am going to challenge you by citing criticisms of Obama
Dean: there was an unseemly scramble for votes
Gregory: don’t you need votes for pass laws?
Dean: naww
Gregory: you are not in office - so you will your
fake vote not go to this bill?
Dean: No!
Gregory: do you expect the White House to put
in a public option or not
Dean: no - Obama is not a fighter like me
Gregory: so without a public option you would
vote ‘no’?
Dean: a 30 year fight with insurance companies
is a bad thing
Gregory: and killing the bill would prevent that
Dean: right
Gregory: Vicki Kennedy says we can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good
Dean: yeah but I am in favor of getting the bill right
Gregory: I see
Gregory: John McCain says you are right
and we should let the Republicans write this bill
Dean: I hate Republicans and they are fucking evil
Gregory: so I hear you saying you are leaving
the Democratic party
Dean: Calm down Fluffy - you stupid fuck
Gregory: Is this internal fight going to ruin the Democratic party?
Dean: I know that’s your dream but if I were that room I’d answer you by punching you in the face
Gregory: ha ha
Dean: I’m not kidding
Gregory: so what went wrong
Dean: it’s a damn shame that a few asshole Senators can hold up legislation
Gregory: take your snow and leave Doc
Dean: fuck you
[ break ]
Gregory: Markos I love you on “Two and Half Men”
Moulitsas: I’m not on that show
Gregory: what? who are you then?
Moulitsas: I have a blog called the Daily Kos
Gregory: alright Kos is this health care bill a horrible compromise?
Moulitsas: no it only reinforces the existing system and if deductibles are too high poor people are screwed
Scarborough: ha ha insurance stocks are higher
ha ha
Gregory: Tavis Obama didn’t fight for the public option and this isn’t reform!
Smiley: sadly I am your third guest to agree that Obama didn’t fulfill his promises and he didn’t
crush the insurance lobby
Gillespie: sadly I must agree that this bill is an unmitigated disaster because this will help people get free medical care which will only encourage
poor lazy people to get sick
Scarborough: ha ha this bill will elect Republicans ha ha
Gregory: Obama says this bill takes on the insurance companies
Moulitsas: well sure but we need to crush the insurers - they are evil
Gregory: Kos isn’t passing federal legislation a little more difficult that idealistic liberals think?
Moulitsas: true but insurers spend millions on lobbying and the GOP can’t be reasoned with
Gregory: ok then
Smiley: You need to stand on principle! Screw gradualism or incrementalism! Ain’t gonna
get it done!
Gregory: Ed how do answer the charge that Obama is unpopular?!!?
Gillespie: he’s a socialist!
Gregory: but people hate the GOP too
Gillespie: no I took a poll that said people age 90
and over support the GOP
Gregory: Joe Scar how do answer the charge that people hate liberals?
Scarborough: it’s all these distractions like health care and wars and winning the Nobel prize -
we need jobs! Obama needs to be in Cleveland
not Oslo!
Moulitsas: Obama’s polls are down because he’s
not liberal enough!
Gillespie: no Obama’s radically partisan and not Republican enough!
Moulitsas: this nation hates Republicans
Gillespie: we’ll see about that Daily
Moulitsas: my name is Markos
Smiley: You have to stand on principle! Keep your eye on the ball! Jobs jobs jobs!
Gregory: Joe Obama is a total failure - Scar how does he turn it around
Scarborough: he needs to reach out to Republicans and crush the teachers unions and tell Henry Waxman to fuck off
Gregory: that makes perfect sense if you are ingesting large amounts of mind altering drugs
Scarborough: ha [ sniffs glue ]
Scarborough: ha ha when has he reached out to Republicans like the U.S. Constitution requires??
Moulitsas: the base is disenchanted - but the way
to get bloggers really excited bloggers is regulatory reform
Gregory: you’re a nerd
Moulitsas: blog power!
*****************
Sunday, December 20, 2009
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - December 20, 2009
Guests:
David Axelrod - White House Senior Advisor
Sen. John Kyl - (R-Arizona)
***************************
Stephanopoulos: speaking of your health care victory 6 hours ago - Republicans says it is already a failure because they don’t like it
Axelrod: that is shocking
Stephanopoulos: isn’t it terrible to pass a bill
without a single vote from members of a party everyone hates?
Axelrod: no it’s a good bill and we will pass it without the votes of the party which thinks Obama was born a muslim-Kenya witch doctor in Indonesia
Stephanopoulos: but this is a faith based bill
Axelrod: no 60 senators support the bill representing most of the country - plus this law
will help people with preexisting conditions and many others without health insurance
Stephanopoulos: Nelson and Holy Joe will fillybuster the bill if does any good for anyone beside rich evil insurers
Axelrod: that’s true but Nelson can be bribed
and Holy Joe can be reasoned with
Stephanopoulos: really?
Axelrod: no actually he’s a slimy fucker
Stephanopoulos: you are going to raise
taxes on Cadillacs!
Axelrod: also Yugos
Stephanopoulos: will this bill ban abortion
or make it mandatory?
Axelrod: the compromise is that women who want an abortion will have to drive really far to get one and we thinks that’s fair
Stephanopoulos: what about Stupak?
Axelrod: fuck him
Stephanopoulos: you called Howard Dean insane
Axelrod: well I’m not a psychiatrist but he is
pretty weird
Stephanopoulos: but liberals gave up everything and Nelson got whatever he wanted
Axelrod: it’s true but we needed the 60 votes
Stephanopoulos: liberals don’t want to hear
excuses about math - they want results
Axelrod: yes I noticed that
Axelrod: look I hear what Howard Dean is saying but this bill helps millions of people so it would be bad to kill it
Stephanopoulos: is Iran about to nuke Kansas?
Axelrod: maybe
Stephanopoulos: what are you going to do about it?
Axelrod: we are going work in Iran to sow divisions within both liberals and conservatives so nothing can ever get done
Stephanopoulos: can you really do that?
Axelrod: we did it in the U.S. so we can do it there
Stephanopoulos: Kyl is this bill evil?
Kyl: the American people are very much against
this bill unveiled 24 hours ago so we must not allow it to pass
Stephanopoulos: I see
Kyl: also the fuckers in Nebraska get this for free - no fair
Stephanopoulos: why do you hate Nebraska?
Kyl: Hey George - why do six different states border Nebraska?
Stephanopoulos: I don’t know
Kyl: Nebraska sucks
Stephanopoulos: ha good one
Stephanopoulos: Dick what about all the charge
that no one has seen this bill?
Durbin: jesus fuck they read the entire bill on
the floor yesterday
Kyl: yeah but that was during “Jersey Shore” marathon so no one in the Republican caucus was watching
Stephanopoulos: Kyl the CBO says it will lower the debt and will cover 30 million people - who wouldn’t support that??
Kyl: yeah but that still leaves 20 million uninsured
Stephanopoulos: oh I forgot you were insane
Kyl: also insurance premiums will still go up
and also people will still get sick
Durbin: jesus what sick lying fucker you are
Stephanopoulos: Dick will you commit to voting Republican if you have not eliminated illness
by 2015?
Durbin: this covers 94% of Americans!
Kyl: the liberals broke a truce that the GOP would pretend to be against abortion except for their own daughters and liberals would pretend to protect poor women without doing anything for them
Durbin: hey we still give free money to the Catholic church so they should shut the fuck up
Stephanopoulos: what about the looming threat
of global warming?
Durbin: the wily Chinese are taking all our green jobs - the jolly green giant is being replaced by Godzilla!
Kyl: I’m against sending China money
Stephanopoulos: you really are a weirdo
****************
David Axelrod - White House Senior Advisor
Sen. John Kyl - (R-Arizona)
***************************
Stephanopoulos: speaking of your health care victory 6 hours ago - Republicans says it is already a failure because they don’t like it
Axelrod: that is shocking
Stephanopoulos: isn’t it terrible to pass a bill
without a single vote from members of a party everyone hates?
Axelrod: no it’s a good bill and we will pass it without the votes of the party which thinks Obama was born a muslim-Kenya witch doctor in Indonesia
Stephanopoulos: but this is a faith based bill
Axelrod: no 60 senators support the bill representing most of the country - plus this law
will help people with preexisting conditions and many others without health insurance
Stephanopoulos: Nelson and Holy Joe will fillybuster the bill if does any good for anyone beside rich evil insurers
Axelrod: that’s true but Nelson can be bribed
and Holy Joe can be reasoned with
Stephanopoulos: really?
Axelrod: no actually he’s a slimy fucker
Stephanopoulos: you are going to raise
taxes on Cadillacs!
Axelrod: also Yugos
Stephanopoulos: will this bill ban abortion
or make it mandatory?
Axelrod: the compromise is that women who want an abortion will have to drive really far to get one and we thinks that’s fair
Stephanopoulos: what about Stupak?
Axelrod: fuck him
Stephanopoulos: you called Howard Dean insane
Axelrod: well I’m not a psychiatrist but he is
pretty weird
Stephanopoulos: but liberals gave up everything and Nelson got whatever he wanted
Axelrod: it’s true but we needed the 60 votes
Stephanopoulos: liberals don’t want to hear
excuses about math - they want results
Axelrod: yes I noticed that
Axelrod: look I hear what Howard Dean is saying but this bill helps millions of people so it would be bad to kill it
Stephanopoulos: is Iran about to nuke Kansas?
Axelrod: maybe
Stephanopoulos: what are you going to do about it?
Axelrod: we are going work in Iran to sow divisions within both liberals and conservatives so nothing can ever get done
Stephanopoulos: can you really do that?
Axelrod: we did it in the U.S. so we can do it there
Stephanopoulos: Kyl is this bill evil?
Kyl: the American people are very much against
this bill unveiled 24 hours ago so we must not allow it to pass
Stephanopoulos: I see
Kyl: also the fuckers in Nebraska get this for free - no fair
Stephanopoulos: why do you hate Nebraska?
Kyl: Hey George - why do six different states border Nebraska?
Stephanopoulos: I don’t know
Kyl: Nebraska sucks
Stephanopoulos: ha good one
Stephanopoulos: Dick what about all the charge
that no one has seen this bill?
Durbin: jesus fuck they read the entire bill on
the floor yesterday
Kyl: yeah but that was during “Jersey Shore” marathon so no one in the Republican caucus was watching
Stephanopoulos: Kyl the CBO says it will lower the debt and will cover 30 million people - who wouldn’t support that??
Kyl: yeah but that still leaves 20 million uninsured
Stephanopoulos: oh I forgot you were insane
Kyl: also insurance premiums will still go up
and also people will still get sick
Durbin: jesus what sick lying fucker you are
Stephanopoulos: Dick will you commit to voting Republican if you have not eliminated illness
by 2015?
Durbin: this covers 94% of Americans!
Kyl: the liberals broke a truce that the GOP would pretend to be against abortion except for their own daughters and liberals would pretend to protect poor women without doing anything for them
Durbin: hey we still give free money to the Catholic church so they should shut the fuck up
Stephanopoulos: what about the looming threat
of global warming?
Durbin: the wily Chinese are taking all our green jobs - the jolly green giant is being replaced by Godzilla!
Kyl: I’m against sending China money
Stephanopoulos: you really are a weirdo
****************
Sunday, December 13, 2009
60 Minutes - Interview with Barack Obama - December 13, 2009
60 Minutes
Guest:
President Barack Obama
December 13, 2009
*********************
Kroft: Was it the most difficult decision you’ve made to invade a nation in asia
Obama: yes it’s sad
Kroft: but in your speech you didn’t weep and cheerlead and promise victory
Obama: actually that was me being emotional
Kroft: wow cause you seemed like a detached vulcan
Obama: we’ve had a little too much cheerleading and touchdown dancing by certain Presidents lately
Kroft: you staked your presidency on taking over a mountainous nation of religious wackos
Obama: that and bailing out the big banks and also I’m black
Kroft: some say you confused people
Obama: no not all
Kroft: but you surge troops only to pull troops out?
Obama: it makes perfect sense because we will stay until we leave
Kroft: but I’m easily confused - when are we leaving again? - cause I we have leave now that we have a black democratic president
Obama: we’re leaving when the Afghan government asks us to leave
Kroft: President McCain says we need to kill more people
Obama: fine I told the President we will kill all al-qaeda
Kroft: I heard most al-qaeda left and went to Pakistan and New Jersey
Obama: no some are in Bali
Kroft: damm they are in some nice places
Obama: so true
Kroft: the British in 1776 and American in ‘Nam lost wars because Empires are tiring and sucky and after all you are a negro
Obama: fuck that - this time we will win
Kroft: but Afghanistan is a government of corrupt organized criminals
Obama: [ laughs ]
Dude I have to ally myself up with these pseudo-elected crooks to get anything done
Kroft: let’s talk about Congress
Obama: I already am
Kroft: what about the bailouts of big Wall Street?
Obama: I didn’t run for office to bail out big banks - I ran to make love to a black women in the Lincoln Bedroom
Kroft: Jefferson beat you to it
Obama: these fucking Wall Street banks don’t fucking get it
Kroft: I thought you were going to reform system but then let Congress pass a horrible 2,000 page bill that is-
Obama: what?
Kroft: some say it is evil and incomprehensible
Obama: jesus chirst you are such a dick
Kroft: are you going to be involved in the legislative process
Obama: I have been the whole time asshole
Kroft: gate crashers!
Obama: oh thank god a substantive question
Kroft: were you angry at your black social secretary?
Obama: let me put it this way - I looked at her like I’m looking at you now
Kroft: Ooooh
***********************
Guest:
President Barack Obama
December 13, 2009
*********************
Kroft: Was it the most difficult decision you’ve made to invade a nation in asia
Obama: yes it’s sad
Kroft: but in your speech you didn’t weep and cheerlead and promise victory
Obama: actually that was me being emotional
Kroft: wow cause you seemed like a detached vulcan
Obama: we’ve had a little too much cheerleading and touchdown dancing by certain Presidents lately
Kroft: you staked your presidency on taking over a mountainous nation of religious wackos
Obama: that and bailing out the big banks and also I’m black
Kroft: some say you confused people
Obama: no not all
Kroft: but you surge troops only to pull troops out?
Obama: it makes perfect sense because we will stay until we leave
Kroft: but I’m easily confused - when are we leaving again? - cause I we have leave now that we have a black democratic president
Obama: we’re leaving when the Afghan government asks us to leave
Kroft: President McCain says we need to kill more people
Obama: fine I told the President we will kill all al-qaeda
Kroft: I heard most al-qaeda left and went to Pakistan and New Jersey
Obama: no some are in Bali
Kroft: damm they are in some nice places
Obama: so true
Kroft: the British in 1776 and American in ‘Nam lost wars because Empires are tiring and sucky and after all you are a negro
Obama: fuck that - this time we will win
Kroft: but Afghanistan is a government of corrupt organized criminals
Obama: [ laughs ]
Dude I have to ally myself up with these pseudo-elected crooks to get anything done
Kroft: let’s talk about Congress
Obama: I already am
Kroft: what about the bailouts of big Wall Street?
Obama: I didn’t run for office to bail out big banks - I ran to make love to a black women in the Lincoln Bedroom
Kroft: Jefferson beat you to it
Obama: these fucking Wall Street banks don’t fucking get it
Kroft: I thought you were going to reform system but then let Congress pass a horrible 2,000 page bill that is-
Obama: what?
Kroft: some say it is evil and incomprehensible
Obama: jesus chirst you are such a dick
Kroft: are you going to be involved in the legislative process
Obama: I have been the whole time asshole
Kroft: gate crashers!
Obama: oh thank god a substantive question
Kroft: were you angry at your black social secretary?
Obama: let me put it this way - I looked at her like I’m looking at you now
Kroft: Ooooh
***********************
Meet the Press - December 13, 2009
Guests:
Jennifer Granholm - Gov. of Michigan
Christina Romer - Chair, White House Council
of Economic Advisors
Mitt Romney
Alan Greenspan
Jim Cramer
************************
Gregory: Obama says Wall Street screwed
over the nation
Romer: yeah pretty much
Gregory: so is the U.S. fucked?
Romer: we were but things are turning around
Gregory: would financial reforms have prevented
the major meltdown?
Romer: that’s the point behind the new laws
Gregory: but answer my hypothetical question!
Romer: are you some kind of idiot?
Gregory: Obama says Wall Street doesn’t get it
Romer: they don’t - unless by ‘it’ you mean free government money in which case they do
Gregory: but Wall Street creates jobs on Main street - why punish them?
Romer: because they’re total fucktards
Gregory: But doesn’t Obama want Goldman Sachs to make money so it can trickle down to the
little people?
Romer: calm down Fluffy
Gregory: how long is this recession going to last?
Romer: we’ll go up and down for a while
Gregory: is the recession over?
Romer: no it will be over when Obama is reelected and we have secure jobs
Gregory: why didn’t Obama declare War on Unemployment
Romer: Greggers we immediately passed the
biggest stimulus in the history of the nation
Gregory: but the stimulus failed
Romer: I don’t have crystal balls
Gregory: I think Mitt Romney has those
Gregory: you said we should have a
$1.2 trillion stimulus
Romer: yeah well I was proven fucking right
Gregory: but shouldn’t have it been bigger?
Romer: it was the best we could get from the assholes in Congress
Gregory: the L.A. Times says we have to cut the deficit first
Romer: ah morons abound
Gregory: so Obama doesn’t care about stealing
from our children?
Romer: recovery is the only way to cut the deficit
Gregory: so you will raise taxes, increase the debt and kill America
Romer: 1 in 10 of Americans are unemployed dancing dave!
Gregory: so how do you pay for it??
Romer: you borrow money in a recession you fool
Gregory: so how will we know when it’s over
Romer: when unemployment is at 5%
Gregory: Ok
Romer: hey you’ve held this job for a year
which amazes me
[break]
Gregory: Alan no offense but I get mixed messages from the White House
Greenspan: the bad news is we’re at the bottom but the good news is I’m a bottom
Gregory: Jenny 8,675,309
Granholm: what?
Gregory: that’s the number of jobs Michigan has lost
Granholm: it would have been much worse without Obama’s efforts
Romney: the economy is growing but the stimulus failed and killed jobs
Gregory: some would say that Romney is partisan yet some would say the sun shines out of his ass
Cramer: right
Gregory: some would say Obama is a failure but on the other hand the Republicans had a lot of great ideas like a payroll tax holiday
Cramer: where’s the money!?
Gregory: some would say Reagan was a great President - how do answer this charge Ayn Greenspan?
Greenspan: we did that by wearing onions on
our belts which was the style at the time
Gregory: what jobs will we create - I mean we suck
at everything
Granholm: we’ll make solar panels - we’ll aim them
at Mitt Romny’s ass
Romney: Let’s take the stimulus bill and use that money to allow business to deduct taxes and let’s take wasted TARP money and use the money being returned from banks to give that to banks
Cramer: business are hiring in Brazil and Russia because businesses have successfully captured the governments there
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
a lot of people say the U.S. has no commitment to capitalism and businesses are terrified of government!
Greenspan: banks have lots of money - they just won’t lend it because most small businesses would
lose it
Gregory: the President attacks Wall Street which
is the Happiest Place on Earth - why is he doing that???
[ starts sobbing ]
Granholm: our auto companies would love start making good cars but they need loans to stop manufacturing junk
Gregory: maybe American products just suck
Romney: the problem is people are terrified of financial rules and possible good health care
and so of course make crap
Gregory: Krugman says unemployment is bad
Greenspan: sorry the Fed has done all it could possibly do - TARP was very necessary but inflation is scary so people should just eat apple cores
Gregory: what about Fed independence?
Greenspan: Oh I think it’s terrible that Congress would threaten it
Gregory: like when you shilled for the Bush
tax cuts?
Greenspan: I like pudding!
Gregory: Mitt how do you answer
the charge that Obama is soft on evil?
Romney: [ rebooting ]
Cramer: hey we have to raise taxes to pay
for our wars
Romney: we can pay for wars and lower taxes
- all we have to do cut pay for government workers who make much more money than people in the private sector
Gregory: where will unemployment be next year?
Greenspan: much lower, luckily because of
census employment
Gregory: that’s government
Greenspan: naptime!
Gregory: should we raise interest rates?
Greenspan: we should change rates to 5 bees
for a dollar
Granholm: we can’t be all doom and gloom
- I mean at least we all have jobs
Greenspan: not me
Granholm: be quiet or I’ll put you in place we saw on “America’s Worst Nursing Homes”
Greenspan: I’ll be good
Gregory: ok that’s the final word
*******************
Jennifer Granholm - Gov. of Michigan
Christina Romer - Chair, White House Council
of Economic Advisors
Mitt Romney
Alan Greenspan
Jim Cramer
************************
Gregory: Obama says Wall Street screwed
over the nation
Romer: yeah pretty much
Gregory: so is the U.S. fucked?
Romer: we were but things are turning around
Gregory: would financial reforms have prevented
the major meltdown?
Romer: that’s the point behind the new laws
Gregory: but answer my hypothetical question!
Romer: are you some kind of idiot?
Gregory: Obama says Wall Street doesn’t get it
Romer: they don’t - unless by ‘it’ you mean free government money in which case they do
Gregory: but Wall Street creates jobs on Main street - why punish them?
Romer: because they’re total fucktards
Gregory: But doesn’t Obama want Goldman Sachs to make money so it can trickle down to the
little people?
Romer: calm down Fluffy
Gregory: how long is this recession going to last?
Romer: we’ll go up and down for a while
Gregory: is the recession over?
Romer: no it will be over when Obama is reelected and we have secure jobs
Gregory: why didn’t Obama declare War on Unemployment
Romer: Greggers we immediately passed the
biggest stimulus in the history of the nation
Gregory: but the stimulus failed
Romer: I don’t have crystal balls
Gregory: I think Mitt Romney has those
Gregory: you said we should have a
$1.2 trillion stimulus
Romer: yeah well I was proven fucking right
Gregory: but shouldn’t have it been bigger?
Romer: it was the best we could get from the assholes in Congress
Gregory: the L.A. Times says we have to cut the deficit first
Romer: ah morons abound
Gregory: so Obama doesn’t care about stealing
from our children?
Romer: recovery is the only way to cut the deficit
Gregory: so you will raise taxes, increase the debt and kill America
Romer: 1 in 10 of Americans are unemployed dancing dave!
Gregory: so how do you pay for it??
Romer: you borrow money in a recession you fool
Gregory: so how will we know when it’s over
Romer: when unemployment is at 5%
Gregory: Ok
Romer: hey you’ve held this job for a year
which amazes me
[break]
Gregory: Alan no offense but I get mixed messages from the White House
Greenspan: the bad news is we’re at the bottom but the good news is I’m a bottom
Gregory: Jenny 8,675,309
Granholm: what?
Gregory: that’s the number of jobs Michigan has lost
Granholm: it would have been much worse without Obama’s efforts
Romney: the economy is growing but the stimulus failed and killed jobs
Gregory: some would say that Romney is partisan yet some would say the sun shines out of his ass
Cramer: right
Gregory: some would say Obama is a failure but on the other hand the Republicans had a lot of great ideas like a payroll tax holiday
Cramer: where’s the money!?
Gregory: some would say Reagan was a great President - how do answer this charge Ayn Greenspan?
Greenspan: we did that by wearing onions on
our belts which was the style at the time
Gregory: what jobs will we create - I mean we suck
at everything
Granholm: we’ll make solar panels - we’ll aim them
at Mitt Romny’s ass
Romney: Let’s take the stimulus bill and use that money to allow business to deduct taxes and let’s take wasted TARP money and use the money being returned from banks to give that to banks
Cramer: business are hiring in Brazil and Russia because businesses have successfully captured the governments there
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
a lot of people say the U.S. has no commitment to capitalism and businesses are terrified of government!
Greenspan: banks have lots of money - they just won’t lend it because most small businesses would
lose it
Gregory: the President attacks Wall Street which
is the Happiest Place on Earth - why is he doing that???
[ starts sobbing ]
Granholm: our auto companies would love start making good cars but they need loans to stop manufacturing junk
Gregory: maybe American products just suck
Romney: the problem is people are terrified of financial rules and possible good health care
and so of course make crap
Gregory: Krugman says unemployment is bad
Greenspan: sorry the Fed has done all it could possibly do - TARP was very necessary but inflation is scary so people should just eat apple cores
Gregory: what about Fed independence?
Greenspan: Oh I think it’s terrible that Congress would threaten it
Gregory: like when you shilled for the Bush
tax cuts?
Greenspan: I like pudding!
Gregory: Mitt how do you answer
the charge that Obama is soft on evil?
Romney: [ rebooting ]
Cramer: hey we have to raise taxes to pay
for our wars
Romney: we can pay for wars and lower taxes
- all we have to do cut pay for government workers who make much more money than people in the private sector
Gregory: where will unemployment be next year?
Greenspan: much lower, luckily because of
census employment
Gregory: that’s government
Greenspan: naptime!
Gregory: should we raise interest rates?
Greenspan: we should change rates to 5 bees
for a dollar
Granholm: we can’t be all doom and gloom
- I mean at least we all have jobs
Greenspan: not me
Granholm: be quiet or I’ll put you in place we saw on “America’s Worst Nursing Homes”
Greenspan: I’ll be good
Gregory: ok that’s the final word
*******************
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - December 13, 2009
Guests:
Larry Summers
Rep. Eric Cantor
John Podesta
Ed Gillespie
Arianna Huffington
April Ryan
***************************
Stephanopoulos: Larry the economy is total disaster and John McCain’s economist says you’re a loser
Summers: look we prevented a Depression and
you know these things happen in stages, first you have a New Deal then another Depression and then a World War
Stephanopoulos: Is Obama working hard on
making all that happen?
Summers: yes he is
Stephanopoulos: so when does the U.S. economy go from being Fucked Up to merely Pretty Shitty?
Summers: we see Quite Crappy spring followed
by a Sucky Summer
Stephanopoulos: are we going to have a second stimulus?
Summers: don’t focus so much on how much
we spend George the best things in life a free - like strongly worded letters sent to banks telling them
to lend
Stephanopoulos: but you’re spending so much money boosting the economy just because we
are in an economic crisis!
Summers: you know nothing about math George - it’s like talking a woman!
Stephanopoulos: oooh
Summers: we’re spending on infrastructure and health care
Stephanopoulos: speaking of that how can the President possibly sign a bill that spends money
to save people’s lives - I mean it’s shocking
Summers: that’s true but we are going to tell
people get preventive health care which is very conservative
Stephanopoulos: but the debt!
Summers: we will reduce the deficit by taxing Cadillacs
Stephanopoulos: I don’t care about that - I just
want you to say you will cut the debt, deficit, health care costs and make me taller
Summers: Done done and done
Stephanopoulos: will you make banks lend or not?
Summers: the American people bailed out the
big banks and Obama is going to have a serious
talk with them and tell them to please pull their heads out of their fucking asses
Stephanopoulos: how about that Eric?
Cantor: the real problem is that there is too much regulation of banks - who get then mad and refuse
to lend money to small businesses
Stephanopoulos: Obama says the GOP is captured by financial lobbyists
Cantor: we couldn’t support the financial reform bill because it had no bipartisan support
Stephanopoulos: um what
Cantor: Washington activism scare investors so they just put all their money under the mattress
Stephanopoulos: because you always say no to whatever Obama does - does that mean he gets the credit when it turns around like it always does when Dems are in charge?
Cantor: no because Obama is a big spending wacko
Stephanopoulos: you mean like Reagan, Bush I
and Bush II
Cantor: right crazy liberals like them
[break]
Stephanopoulos: George why does the economy suck?
Will: because businesses can never know if government will change the rules so they won’t
lend money
Stephanopoulos: but government can always
change laws
Will: not if businesses control government
like they should
Podesta: Obama should urge bankers
to lend money?
Huffington: fuck that shit - take away their toys
and they will start fucking lending
Stephanopoulos: Summers says the economy is turning around because he has a nice car
Huffington: fuck that sexist dipshit
Ryan: black teens are unemployed - if only we
had a black president
Stephanopoulos: the deficit!
Gillespie: people refuse to invest because they
need certainty
Stephanopoulos: what does that mean ‘certainty’ ?
Gillespie: just let businesses write all the rules
Huffington: oh fuck you all - Larry Summers is
a lazy fat fuck
Will: the American people understand that the only way to create jobs is low taxes and no rules
Podesta: good god - we put the GOP charge we
had a fucking Depression
Gillespie: [smirking ]
no the Bush economy was a great success
Podesta: [ smacks forehead ]
***************
Larry Summers
Rep. Eric Cantor
John Podesta
Ed Gillespie
Arianna Huffington
April Ryan
***************************
Stephanopoulos: Larry the economy is total disaster and John McCain’s economist says you’re a loser
Summers: look we prevented a Depression and
you know these things happen in stages, first you have a New Deal then another Depression and then a World War
Stephanopoulos: Is Obama working hard on
making all that happen?
Summers: yes he is
Stephanopoulos: so when does the U.S. economy go from being Fucked Up to merely Pretty Shitty?
Summers: we see Quite Crappy spring followed
by a Sucky Summer
Stephanopoulos: are we going to have a second stimulus?
Summers: don’t focus so much on how much
we spend George the best things in life a free - like strongly worded letters sent to banks telling them
to lend
Stephanopoulos: but you’re spending so much money boosting the economy just because we
are in an economic crisis!
Summers: you know nothing about math George - it’s like talking a woman!
Stephanopoulos: oooh
Summers: we’re spending on infrastructure and health care
Stephanopoulos: speaking of that how can the President possibly sign a bill that spends money
to save people’s lives - I mean it’s shocking
Summers: that’s true but we are going to tell
people get preventive health care which is very conservative
Stephanopoulos: but the debt!
Summers: we will reduce the deficit by taxing Cadillacs
Stephanopoulos: I don’t care about that - I just
want you to say you will cut the debt, deficit, health care costs and make me taller
Summers: Done done and done
Stephanopoulos: will you make banks lend or not?
Summers: the American people bailed out the
big banks and Obama is going to have a serious
talk with them and tell them to please pull their heads out of their fucking asses
Stephanopoulos: how about that Eric?
Cantor: the real problem is that there is too much regulation of banks - who get then mad and refuse
to lend money to small businesses
Stephanopoulos: Obama says the GOP is captured by financial lobbyists
Cantor: we couldn’t support the financial reform bill because it had no bipartisan support
Stephanopoulos: um what
Cantor: Washington activism scare investors so they just put all their money under the mattress
Stephanopoulos: because you always say no to whatever Obama does - does that mean he gets the credit when it turns around like it always does when Dems are in charge?
Cantor: no because Obama is a big spending wacko
Stephanopoulos: you mean like Reagan, Bush I
and Bush II
Cantor: right crazy liberals like them
[break]
Stephanopoulos: George why does the economy suck?
Will: because businesses can never know if government will change the rules so they won’t
lend money
Stephanopoulos: but government can always
change laws
Will: not if businesses control government
like they should
Podesta: Obama should urge bankers
to lend money?
Huffington: fuck that shit - take away their toys
and they will start fucking lending
Stephanopoulos: Summers says the economy is turning around because he has a nice car
Huffington: fuck that sexist dipshit
Ryan: black teens are unemployed - if only we
had a black president
Stephanopoulos: the deficit!
Gillespie: people refuse to invest because they
need certainty
Stephanopoulos: what does that mean ‘certainty’ ?
Gillespie: just let businesses write all the rules
Huffington: oh fuck you all - Larry Summers is
a lazy fat fuck
Will: the American people understand that the only way to create jobs is low taxes and no rules
Podesta: good god - we put the GOP charge we
had a fucking Depression
Gillespie: [smirking ]
no the Bush economy was a great success
Podesta: [ smacks forehead ]
***************
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Meet The Press - December 6, 2009
December 6, 2009
Guests:
Sec. Hillary Clinton
Sec. Bob Gates
Sen. John McCain
Tom Friedman
Bob Woodward
************************
Gregory: Welcome Secretaries to meet the press
Gates: rock on
Clinton: hey-o
Gregory: so are we finally leaving Afghanistan
or what?
Gates: we are beginning to thin our forces
Gregory: so fewer troops over time
Gates: no we’re just feeding them less
Gregory: does a deadline give our enemies a
green light to bide their time and then attack
us after we leave?
Clinton: no because this deadline is to tell
the Afghans to get off their asses and take
over their own country
Gregory: but this is a signal of weakness!
Gates: Calm down Fluffy - how can we ever
leave without planning on leaving?
Gregory: we could just leave unannounced
one night like my relatives when they come for Thanksgiving
Clinton: Look Greggers George W. Bush lost the Afghan war and we’re finally going to send the Marines and kick Afghan ass
Gregory: Bob is it true that George Bush refused
to send reinforcements to Afghanistan?
Gates: yes - Bush wanted to send all out troops to Ukraine and Australia
Gregory: that’s Risk
Gates: tell me about it
Gregory: are we finally downsizing the War on Terror and upping the War on Panic?
Clinton: not at all - we’re never leaving Afghanistan but we’re putting civilians there instead
Gregory: But Dick Cheney says Obama is weak
and we must kill all bad guys!!
Clinton: I recently got a PDB: “David Gregory Determined to Remain a Moron”
Gates: I helped write that
Clinton: awesome
Gates: Osama bin Laden is only one who wants
us to stay there forever
Gregory: and Cheney
Gates: well of course
Gregory: so when are leaving so I can accuse
you of surrendering
Gates: eleventy-never
Gregory: When will you go after the Baddest
of the Bad
Clinton: I don’t know anything about Tiger Woods
Gregory: Don’t you have to kill Osama bin Laden?
Clinton: I’ll strangle him myself if I have to
Gregory: isn’t this a quagmire just like when the USSR invaded?
Gates: no not at all we just have a lot of troops attempting to impose a government in Afghanistan going house to house to eliminate any domestic opposition to our invasion
Gregory: right
Gregory: But Tom Hayden says this is immoral!
Clinton: let’s not bicker about who invaded who - good grief we’ve got kids planting fucking seeds!
Gregory: but I just realized this invasion is
so expensive!
Clinton: who gives a fuck - this is war!
Gregory: Is failure an option in Afghanistan?
Gates: Seriously, he can’t be this stupid can
he Hillary?
Clinton: no Bob he really is
Gates: Fascinating
[ break ]
Gregory: Should we ever withdraw from Afghanistan?
McCain: first let me say casualties will go up and many more young people will be killed and therefore I strongly support the decision
Gregory: of course
McCain: Afghanistan, India, Iraq and Pakistan are
all now panicking because we might end our occupation of that region and boy do they hate that
Gregory: what’s your answer?
McCain: we must stop Al-Qaeda from looking at their watches by taking away their arms
Gregory: their weapons?
McCain: no their actual arms - and legs if necessary
Gregory: but that’s a forever war!
McCain: no the goal of all war is to break the enemy’s will
Gregory: oh that’s right - you’re fucking crazy
McCain: we must crush the people psychologically
Gregory: the people are so depressed they veer between being suicidal and engaging in wholescale revolution
McCain: the Afghan people are not there yet
Gregory: I was talking about America
McCain: kill! kill kill!
Gregory: Karzai is corrupt - why should we commit ourselves there?!
McCain: because Maliki was ineffective in Iraq
until we started killing on his behalf
Gregory: um what?
McCain: nothing succeeds like success - we just have kill more people and then the Afghan government will be really popular!
Gregory: can we catch Osama?
McCain: the bad news is we can’t catch him but the good news is al-qaeda will attack us anyway
Gregory: is Obama surrending the war on terror?
McCain: you are an idiot
Gregory: but the message of weakness!
McCain: taking to time to think about our policy didn’t help our enemies
Gregory: is the stimulus working?
McCain: no
Gregory: really?
McCain: well maybe it did
Gregory: I don’t understand
McCain: Generational Theft!
Gregory: Health care public option?
McCain: I hope the American people will reject Medicare, Medicare, Veteran’s health and what
all Congressmen get
Gregory: tell me about Sarah Palin
McCain: I am very entertained when I see
her attacked
Gregory: she thinks you’re an senile fool
McCain: Todd lent me his silk underwear so
we’re friends now
[break]
Gregory: Tom you’re a bloodthirsty maniac
- tell me about Afghanistan
Friedman: the key issue is that our chief ally Karzai is corrupt and so we must fight him so we can then support him
Woodward: the good news is Obama has pleased the Village which loves good war
Gregory: will Pakistan attack the Baddest of
the Bad guys?
Friedman: there is only one indicator of success
- if I sell more books
Gregory: that’s all?
Friedman: The Afghans have to want to destroy
their country more than we do
Gregory: doesn’t a withdrawal giving the enemy
an advantage?
Woodward: [ laughs in Gregory’s face ]
man you’re dumb
Friedman: we need to encourage a bloody civil war in Islam
Gregory: wow - you’re still crazy after all these years
Friedman: those fucking muslims make just want to bomb all of them
Woodward: we should smoke bad cigarettes and use toilets with Afghans
Audience: truly a meeting of the minds this morning
Gregory: Obama said failure is an option
Friedman: we should impose a gasoline tax now that a Democrat is President
Woodward: what they are really saying is let’s see what happens on the ground
Gregory: oh really
Woodward: but then there could be another horrible attack on America which would change everything
Gregory: we can only hope
***************
Guests:
Sec. Hillary Clinton
Sec. Bob Gates
Sen. John McCain
Tom Friedman
Bob Woodward
************************
Gregory: Welcome Secretaries to meet the press
Gates: rock on
Clinton: hey-o
Gregory: so are we finally leaving Afghanistan
or what?
Gates: we are beginning to thin our forces
Gregory: so fewer troops over time
Gates: no we’re just feeding them less
Gregory: does a deadline give our enemies a
green light to bide their time and then attack
us after we leave?
Clinton: no because this deadline is to tell
the Afghans to get off their asses and take
over their own country
Gregory: but this is a signal of weakness!
Gates: Calm down Fluffy - how can we ever
leave without planning on leaving?
Gregory: we could just leave unannounced
one night like my relatives when they come for Thanksgiving
Clinton: Look Greggers George W. Bush lost the Afghan war and we’re finally going to send the Marines and kick Afghan ass
Gregory: Bob is it true that George Bush refused
to send reinforcements to Afghanistan?
Gates: yes - Bush wanted to send all out troops to Ukraine and Australia
Gregory: that’s Risk
Gates: tell me about it
Gregory: are we finally downsizing the War on Terror and upping the War on Panic?
Clinton: not at all - we’re never leaving Afghanistan but we’re putting civilians there instead
Gregory: But Dick Cheney says Obama is weak
and we must kill all bad guys!!
Clinton: I recently got a PDB: “David Gregory Determined to Remain a Moron”
Gates: I helped write that
Clinton: awesome
Gates: Osama bin Laden is only one who wants
us to stay there forever
Gregory: and Cheney
Gates: well of course
Gregory: so when are leaving so I can accuse
you of surrendering
Gates: eleventy-never
Gregory: When will you go after the Baddest
of the Bad
Clinton: I don’t know anything about Tiger Woods
Gregory: Don’t you have to kill Osama bin Laden?
Clinton: I’ll strangle him myself if I have to
Gregory: isn’t this a quagmire just like when the USSR invaded?
Gates: no not at all we just have a lot of troops attempting to impose a government in Afghanistan going house to house to eliminate any domestic opposition to our invasion
Gregory: right
Gregory: But Tom Hayden says this is immoral!
Clinton: let’s not bicker about who invaded who - good grief we’ve got kids planting fucking seeds!
Gregory: but I just realized this invasion is
so expensive!
Clinton: who gives a fuck - this is war!
Gregory: Is failure an option in Afghanistan?
Gates: Seriously, he can’t be this stupid can
he Hillary?
Clinton: no Bob he really is
Gates: Fascinating
[ break ]
Gregory: Should we ever withdraw from Afghanistan?
McCain: first let me say casualties will go up and many more young people will be killed and therefore I strongly support the decision
Gregory: of course
McCain: Afghanistan, India, Iraq and Pakistan are
all now panicking because we might end our occupation of that region and boy do they hate that
Gregory: what’s your answer?
McCain: we must stop Al-Qaeda from looking at their watches by taking away their arms
Gregory: their weapons?
McCain: no their actual arms - and legs if necessary
Gregory: but that’s a forever war!
McCain: no the goal of all war is to break the enemy’s will
Gregory: oh that’s right - you’re fucking crazy
McCain: we must crush the people psychologically
Gregory: the people are so depressed they veer between being suicidal and engaging in wholescale revolution
McCain: the Afghan people are not there yet
Gregory: I was talking about America
McCain: kill! kill kill!
Gregory: Karzai is corrupt - why should we commit ourselves there?!
McCain: because Maliki was ineffective in Iraq
until we started killing on his behalf
Gregory: um what?
McCain: nothing succeeds like success - we just have kill more people and then the Afghan government will be really popular!
Gregory: can we catch Osama?
McCain: the bad news is we can’t catch him but the good news is al-qaeda will attack us anyway
Gregory: is Obama surrending the war on terror?
McCain: you are an idiot
Gregory: but the message of weakness!
McCain: taking to time to think about our policy didn’t help our enemies
Gregory: is the stimulus working?
McCain: no
Gregory: really?
McCain: well maybe it did
Gregory: I don’t understand
McCain: Generational Theft!
Gregory: Health care public option?
McCain: I hope the American people will reject Medicare, Medicare, Veteran’s health and what
all Congressmen get
Gregory: tell me about Sarah Palin
McCain: I am very entertained when I see
her attacked
Gregory: she thinks you’re an senile fool
McCain: Todd lent me his silk underwear so
we’re friends now
[break]
Gregory: Tom you’re a bloodthirsty maniac
- tell me about Afghanistan
Friedman: the key issue is that our chief ally Karzai is corrupt and so we must fight him so we can then support him
Woodward: the good news is Obama has pleased the Village which loves good war
Gregory: will Pakistan attack the Baddest of
the Bad guys?
Friedman: there is only one indicator of success
- if I sell more books
Gregory: that’s all?
Friedman: The Afghans have to want to destroy
their country more than we do
Gregory: doesn’t a withdrawal giving the enemy
an advantage?
Woodward: [ laughs in Gregory’s face ]
man you’re dumb
Friedman: we need to encourage a bloody civil war in Islam
Gregory: wow - you’re still crazy after all these years
Friedman: those fucking muslims make just want to bomb all of them
Woodward: we should smoke bad cigarettes and use toilets with Afghans
Audience: truly a meeting of the minds this morning
Gregory: Obama said failure is an option
Friedman: we should impose a gasoline tax now that a Democrat is President
Woodward: what they are really saying is let’s see what happens on the ground
Gregory: oh really
Woodward: but then there could be another horrible attack on America which would change everything
Gregory: we can only hope
***************
This Week with George Stephanopoulos - December 6, 2009
December 6, 2009
Guests:
Sec. Hillary Clinton
Sec. Bob Gates
***************************
Stephanopoulos: Sec. Gates and Clinton thanks for coming - President McCain says we should stay in Afghanistan forever
Gates: this isn’t an exit strategy - it’s a gradual conditions-based get-the-fuck-out-of-that-hellhole-strategy
Stephanopoulos: so when do we leave
Gates: we will bring in the cavalry and they will stand on a hill and watch Afghanistan disintegrate
Stephanopoulos: should we commit troops to Karzai who makes the Godfather look like Mr. Rogers?
Clinton: he may be a corrupt bastard but he’s
our corrupt bastard
Stephanopoulos: ok
Clinton: the proof will be in the pudding
Stephanopoulos: interesting metaphor
Clinton: it’s not a metaphor - that’s where he
hides his bribes
Stephanopoulos: ah
Stephanopoulos: John Kerry points out that Bush and Pakistan let Osama bin Laden get away
Gates: yeah so what
Stephanopoulos: well where is Osama?
Gates: we haven’t received a Christmas
card from him in years
Stephanopoulos: no idea where he is?
Gates: He has been practically invisible for a long long time
Stephanopoulos: He was on Jay Leno twice
last month
Gates: see what I mean
Stephanopoulos: talk Taliban to me
Clinton: they have to renounce violence
and extremism
Stephanopoulos: you can’t even get that
from the Teabaggers
Stephanopoulos: Shouldn’t this war be paid for while we fight it for the first time ever now that a black man is President??
Clinton: the Afghan war will be paid for by not fighting a useless war in Iraq
Stephanopoulos: why spend $30 billion to get 100 Al-Qaeda fighters - you could send them all
to Harvard for that
Gates: yeah but we’re trying to get them away from schools of radical rhetoric
Stephanopoulos: that’s a good point
Stephanopoulos: What’s your best argument for getting further bogged down Afghanistan?
Gates: the mighty Soviet Union was defeated there and it brought down the entire empire and breaking up that nation
Stephanopoulos: well I’m convinced
Stephanopoulos: Sec. Clinton should we
invade Italy?
Clinton: it would be more fun that going in the middle east
Stephanopoulos: Awesome
Stephanopoulos: Don’t we have to defeat Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan or it will destabilize Pakistan and Yemen?
Feingold: no they will all move to Pakistan - rather
we should not be there so they will not leave
Stephanopoulos: so should we leave or go?
Feingold: we should have a rational policy
Stephanopoulos: that’s it?
Feingold: you’d be surprised how controversial
that is in Washington
Stephanopoulos: ok
Feingold: no one would invade Afghanistan in
2009 would they?
Stephanopoulos: but for 9/11
Feingold: but we won when we chased them
into Pakistan
Stephanopoulos: can you stop this surge in Afghanistan?
Feingold: probably not - but we in the U.S. are
out of money
Stephanopoulos: speaking of that - can we afford a public health option?
Feingold: it’s fucking exciting fucker!
Stephanopoulos: Senator your language!
Feingold: sorry dude but the details of public policy get me all hot motherfucker!
Stephanopoulos: ok thanks Russ
**********************
Guests:
Sec. Hillary Clinton
Sec. Bob Gates
***************************
Stephanopoulos: Sec. Gates and Clinton thanks for coming - President McCain says we should stay in Afghanistan forever
Gates: this isn’t an exit strategy - it’s a gradual conditions-based get-the-fuck-out-of-that-hellhole-strategy
Stephanopoulos: so when do we leave
Gates: we will bring in the cavalry and they will stand on a hill and watch Afghanistan disintegrate
Stephanopoulos: should we commit troops to Karzai who makes the Godfather look like Mr. Rogers?
Clinton: he may be a corrupt bastard but he’s
our corrupt bastard
Stephanopoulos: ok
Clinton: the proof will be in the pudding
Stephanopoulos: interesting metaphor
Clinton: it’s not a metaphor - that’s where he
hides his bribes
Stephanopoulos: ah
Stephanopoulos: John Kerry points out that Bush and Pakistan let Osama bin Laden get away
Gates: yeah so what
Stephanopoulos: well where is Osama?
Gates: we haven’t received a Christmas
card from him in years
Stephanopoulos: no idea where he is?
Gates: He has been practically invisible for a long long time
Stephanopoulos: He was on Jay Leno twice
last month
Gates: see what I mean
Stephanopoulos: talk Taliban to me
Clinton: they have to renounce violence
and extremism
Stephanopoulos: you can’t even get that
from the Teabaggers
Stephanopoulos: Shouldn’t this war be paid for while we fight it for the first time ever now that a black man is President??
Clinton: the Afghan war will be paid for by not fighting a useless war in Iraq
Stephanopoulos: why spend $30 billion to get 100 Al-Qaeda fighters - you could send them all
to Harvard for that
Gates: yeah but we’re trying to get them away from schools of radical rhetoric
Stephanopoulos: that’s a good point
Stephanopoulos: What’s your best argument for getting further bogged down Afghanistan?
Gates: the mighty Soviet Union was defeated there and it brought down the entire empire and breaking up that nation
Stephanopoulos: well I’m convinced
Stephanopoulos: Sec. Clinton should we
invade Italy?
Clinton: it would be more fun that going in the middle east
Stephanopoulos: Awesome
Stephanopoulos: Don’t we have to defeat Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan or it will destabilize Pakistan and Yemen?
Feingold: no they will all move to Pakistan - rather
we should not be there so they will not leave
Stephanopoulos: so should we leave or go?
Feingold: we should have a rational policy
Stephanopoulos: that’s it?
Feingold: you’d be surprised how controversial
that is in Washington
Stephanopoulos: ok
Feingold: no one would invade Afghanistan in
2009 would they?
Stephanopoulos: but for 9/11
Feingold: but we won when we chased them
into Pakistan
Stephanopoulos: can you stop this surge in Afghanistan?
Feingold: probably not - but we in the U.S. are
out of money
Stephanopoulos: speaking of that - can we afford a public health option?
Feingold: it’s fucking exciting fucker!
Stephanopoulos: Senator your language!
Feingold: sorry dude but the details of public policy get me all hot motherfucker!
Stephanopoulos: ok thanks Russ
**********************
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Meet The Press - November 22, 2009
Meet The Press
November 22, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Richard Durbin
Sen. Diane Feinstein
Sen. Joe Lieberman
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson
********************
Gregory: hey Dick amazingly Harry Reid got 60 Dems to vote for something
Durbin: I know it’s crazy - but I still think Ben Nelson will find a way to fuck us
Gregory: Kay didn’t the Democrats fail last night?
Hutchinson: this is a terrible bill that adds to the deficit and we need to start all over and just do
what Republicans want
Gregory: Kay how can we stop this terrible bill?
Hutchinson: wave around pictures of Obama
as a Nazi Witch Doctor
Gregory: the bill raises taxes and kills kittens!
Feinstein: oh can it Fluffy
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
But the public option is bad!
Feinstein: the current system sucks and this
helps millions of people Greggers
Gregory: Holy Joe will you stop this bill
Lieberman: I voted for the bill so I could keep my Committee Chairmanships but I must filibuster
the public option
Gregory: why?
Lieberman: a public option will worsen our
current recession because it will add to debt decades from now
Gregory: wow that is bad
Lieberman: it will be very expensive and horrible and also everyone will enroll in it so it undermine the private insurers
Gregory: Holy Joe I have a question - does the Afghan war also have to be deficit neutral too?
Lieberman: oh yes
Gregory: but you voted for the all the wars anyway
Lieberman: because I’m the last honest man
Durbin: the public option is a good fucking
idea dammit
Gregory: ok let me be an advocate for the Republican party here - would be you willing
to drop the option in favor of a trigger?
Durbin: no
Gregory: you say no - but your eyes say yes
Feinstein: I heard you were moron
Gregory: will you pleeeeease vote against
a public option?
Feinstein: calm down Fluffy
Hutchinson: small business health plans
will solve everything
Gregory: and people say I’m a dolt
Gregory: this is higher taxes! And expanded entitlement!
[ looks in mirror, fluffs hair ]
Lieberman: helping poor people costs money - which is the worst thing ever in the history
of America
Gregory: didn’t you used to be a liberal?
Lieberman: this is a radical departure from free-market principles - we must trust the insurance companies!!
Durbin: [ leans over, punches Lieberman in the face ]
Lieberman: Ow!
Feinstein: thanks dick
GOP Congressman: Obama hasn’t fixed
the economy!
Geithner: hey dipshit Bush handed us a
fucking Depression
Gregory: should Geithner be fired?
Lieberman: no - we should deny people health insurance: that will turn the American economy around!
Feinstein: California is a total basket case
Audience: electing a bodybuilder Governor sure seems like a good idea now doesn’t it
Feinstein: we need high speed rail so politicians
can get out of town fast when the riots begin
Gregory: good idea
Hutchinson: Obama was sworn in January
and there is still high unemployment and the cause is the debt!!
Gregory: you’re joking
Hutchinson: Health care! Debt! Word Salad!
Gregory:[waves foam finger] Fire Tim Geithner!!!
Hutchinson: Fluffy will you shut the fuck up I want to bash the Obama stimulus!
Feinstein: Goddammn Fluffers you are an idiot
Gregory: is Obama dithering on our Glorious Invasion of Afghanistan??
Lieberman: if we fail to pour thousands of troops into a far-off desert land it will destabilize the area
Gregory: will you leave your brain to science fiction?
Gregory: is Charles Krauthammer right about
Eric Holder and KSM?
Feinstein: you are a true dimwit, aren’t you
Gregory: but isn’t this a show trial?
Feinstein: no it isn’t Stupid
Gregory: but he told to his employees
'not to fail' which is the height of fascism!!
Durbin: Failure is an Option every week on Meet the Press
Hutchinson: every freedom-loving country in the world needs to know that that we are willing to torture terrorists, hold people without trial, invade other nations, and beg NATO to do it all for us
Gregory: what about these mammogram guidelines?
Feinstein: if you object well then get the test
Hutchinson: this is rationing which never happens in the USA because insurers always cover everything
Gregory: of course
**********************
November 22, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Richard Durbin
Sen. Diane Feinstein
Sen. Joe Lieberman
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson
********************
Gregory: hey Dick amazingly Harry Reid got 60 Dems to vote for something
Durbin: I know it’s crazy - but I still think Ben Nelson will find a way to fuck us
Gregory: Kay didn’t the Democrats fail last night?
Hutchinson: this is a terrible bill that adds to the deficit and we need to start all over and just do
what Republicans want
Gregory: Kay how can we stop this terrible bill?
Hutchinson: wave around pictures of Obama
as a Nazi Witch Doctor
Gregory: the bill raises taxes and kills kittens!
Feinstein: oh can it Fluffy
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
But the public option is bad!
Feinstein: the current system sucks and this
helps millions of people Greggers
Gregory: Holy Joe will you stop this bill
Lieberman: I voted for the bill so I could keep my Committee Chairmanships but I must filibuster
the public option
Gregory: why?
Lieberman: a public option will worsen our
current recession because it will add to debt decades from now
Gregory: wow that is bad
Lieberman: it will be very expensive and horrible and also everyone will enroll in it so it undermine the private insurers
Gregory: Holy Joe I have a question - does the Afghan war also have to be deficit neutral too?
Lieberman: oh yes
Gregory: but you voted for the all the wars anyway
Lieberman: because I’m the last honest man
Durbin: the public option is a good fucking
idea dammit
Gregory: ok let me be an advocate for the Republican party here - would be you willing
to drop the option in favor of a trigger?
Durbin: no
Gregory: you say no - but your eyes say yes
Feinstein: I heard you were moron
Gregory: will you pleeeeease vote against
a public option?
Feinstein: calm down Fluffy
Hutchinson: small business health plans
will solve everything
Gregory: and people say I’m a dolt
Gregory: this is higher taxes! And expanded entitlement!
[ looks in mirror, fluffs hair ]
Lieberman: helping poor people costs money - which is the worst thing ever in the history
of America
Gregory: didn’t you used to be a liberal?
Lieberman: this is a radical departure from free-market principles - we must trust the insurance companies!!
Durbin: [ leans over, punches Lieberman in the face ]
Lieberman: Ow!
Feinstein: thanks dick
GOP Congressman: Obama hasn’t fixed
the economy!
Geithner: hey dipshit Bush handed us a
fucking Depression
Gregory: should Geithner be fired?
Lieberman: no - we should deny people health insurance: that will turn the American economy around!
Feinstein: California is a total basket case
Audience: electing a bodybuilder Governor sure seems like a good idea now doesn’t it
Feinstein: we need high speed rail so politicians
can get out of town fast when the riots begin
Gregory: good idea
Hutchinson: Obama was sworn in January
and there is still high unemployment and the cause is the debt!!
Gregory: you’re joking
Hutchinson: Health care! Debt! Word Salad!
Gregory:[waves foam finger] Fire Tim Geithner!!!
Hutchinson: Fluffy will you shut the fuck up I want to bash the Obama stimulus!
Feinstein: Goddammn Fluffers you are an idiot
Gregory: is Obama dithering on our Glorious Invasion of Afghanistan??
Lieberman: if we fail to pour thousands of troops into a far-off desert land it will destabilize the area
Gregory: will you leave your brain to science fiction?
Gregory: is Charles Krauthammer right about
Eric Holder and KSM?
Feinstein: you are a true dimwit, aren’t you
Gregory: but isn’t this a show trial?
Feinstein: no it isn’t Stupid
Gregory: but he told to his employees
'not to fail' which is the height of fascism!!
Durbin: Failure is an Option every week on Meet the Press
Hutchinson: every freedom-loving country in the world needs to know that that we are willing to torture terrorists, hold people without trial, invade other nations, and beg NATO to do it all for us
Gregory: what about these mammogram guidelines?
Feinstein: if you object well then get the test
Hutchinson: this is rationing which never happens in the USA because insurers always cover everything
Gregory: of course
**********************
This Week with George Stephanopoulos - November 22, 2009
November 22, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Ben Nelson
Sen. Tom Coburn
Rep. Wasserman-Schultz
Rep. Blackburn
***************************
Stephanopoulos: Ben Nelson can you live with
the health reform bill or will you kill yourself
if it’s enacted
Nelson: no I hate it but Harry Reid threatened me
Stephanopoulos: how?
Nelson: he would have read the entire bill to me and that was more than I could handle
Stephanopoulos: Crazy Tom you promised to read the whole bill out loud - why did you cave in?
Coburn: I can’t read
Coburn: the problem with health care is that people have too much health which costs too much
Nelson: the Republican is right
Stephanopoulos: what a diverse panel this is!
Coburn: This is bill is fascist! Why do specialists make more money than primary care?? It’s just
like Dachau!!
Wasserman-Schultz: yes because everyone at Dachau had good health care and were mostly worried about the skyrocketing premiums
Coburn: that’s what I heard
Wasserman-Schultz: with all due respect did you
go to school in the Caribbean?
Coburn: I am an verteran of the great Grenada Lebanon Distraction War
Blackburn: this is government takeover of
health care and also it fails because there is no malpractice reform
Wasserman-Schultz: Medicare is pretty successful
Blackburn: sure, if you’re fan of Hitler!
Wasserman-Schultz: Hey dumbass this plan covers people and saves money
Stephanopoulos: Ben Nelson you’re one of
the Democrats who oppose the public option for no reason
Nelson: because it’s fascism - which is fine for Massachusetts but not Nebraska
Stephanopoulos: so you will vote against it
if it has a public option
Nelson: no I will oppose it for many other reasons!
Stephanopoulos: what’s the real reason Ben
- be honest
Nelson: it undermines the private insurers
Coburn: name one government agency that
works well
Stephanopoulos: Medicare, Veterans health, the CDC, the Pentagon-
Coburn: that’s a government-centered approach
Stephanopoulos: -to government
Coburn: indeed we should turn over all military affairs to private contractors
Stephanopoulos: I thought we did
Coburn: Medicare denies care all the time
- this bill establishes a Department of Death Panels and Killing Grandparents
Stephanopoulos: that could be controversial
Blackburn: on page 1,200 of the health bill it bans all mammograms - it’s amazing!!!
Wasserman-Schultz: oh that’s bullshit
Blackburn: these conveniently timed Bush-era recommendations are outrageous!
Coburn: I can’t believe a bureaucracy would decide what is covered under insurance!
Nelson: I agree - insurers are some of the most wonderful people I know whereas all bureaucrats spend their days dreaming of killing people
Stephanopoulos: but if you don’t have some guidelines how do control costs?
Nelson: I want to save costs - I just don’t want the rules to be applied to white people in Nebraska
Blackburn: Obama’s czar is going to be in
the exam room!
Wasserman-Schultz: we haven’t discussed the insurance companies rationing at all
Blackburn: sure they’re evil - but they make money and we need that in America
Stephanopoulos: Tom Coburn I know your insanity is a sore subject but people say you were a party
to corruption
Coburn: that’s a lie
Stephanopoulos: you didn’t serve as an intermediary with Ensign and his crazy family?
Coburn: oh that - yeah I did that - but only because I’m such a nice guy
Stephanopoulos: I can see that
Coburn: you don’t know what it’s like in the Republican Senate caucus - I’m obsessed with lesbians in high school bathroom and I’m considered the normal one
Stephanopoulos: wow
***************
Guests:
Sen. Ben Nelson
Sen. Tom Coburn
Rep. Wasserman-Schultz
Rep. Blackburn
***************************
Stephanopoulos: Ben Nelson can you live with
the health reform bill or will you kill yourself
if it’s enacted
Nelson: no I hate it but Harry Reid threatened me
Stephanopoulos: how?
Nelson: he would have read the entire bill to me and that was more than I could handle
Stephanopoulos: Crazy Tom you promised to read the whole bill out loud - why did you cave in?
Coburn: I can’t read
Coburn: the problem with health care is that people have too much health which costs too much
Nelson: the Republican is right
Stephanopoulos: what a diverse panel this is!
Coburn: This is bill is fascist! Why do specialists make more money than primary care?? It’s just
like Dachau!!
Wasserman-Schultz: yes because everyone at Dachau had good health care and were mostly worried about the skyrocketing premiums
Coburn: that’s what I heard
Wasserman-Schultz: with all due respect did you
go to school in the Caribbean?
Coburn: I am an verteran of the great Grenada Lebanon Distraction War
Blackburn: this is government takeover of
health care and also it fails because there is no malpractice reform
Wasserman-Schultz: Medicare is pretty successful
Blackburn: sure, if you’re fan of Hitler!
Wasserman-Schultz: Hey dumbass this plan covers people and saves money
Stephanopoulos: Ben Nelson you’re one of
the Democrats who oppose the public option for no reason
Nelson: because it’s fascism - which is fine for Massachusetts but not Nebraska
Stephanopoulos: so you will vote against it
if it has a public option
Nelson: no I will oppose it for many other reasons!
Stephanopoulos: what’s the real reason Ben
- be honest
Nelson: it undermines the private insurers
Coburn: name one government agency that
works well
Stephanopoulos: Medicare, Veterans health, the CDC, the Pentagon-
Coburn: that’s a government-centered approach
Stephanopoulos: -to government
Coburn: indeed we should turn over all military affairs to private contractors
Stephanopoulos: I thought we did
Coburn: Medicare denies care all the time
- this bill establishes a Department of Death Panels and Killing Grandparents
Stephanopoulos: that could be controversial
Blackburn: on page 1,200 of the health bill it bans all mammograms - it’s amazing!!!
Wasserman-Schultz: oh that’s bullshit
Blackburn: these conveniently timed Bush-era recommendations are outrageous!
Coburn: I can’t believe a bureaucracy would decide what is covered under insurance!
Nelson: I agree - insurers are some of the most wonderful people I know whereas all bureaucrats spend their days dreaming of killing people
Stephanopoulos: but if you don’t have some guidelines how do control costs?
Nelson: I want to save costs - I just don’t want the rules to be applied to white people in Nebraska
Blackburn: Obama’s czar is going to be in
the exam room!
Wasserman-Schultz: we haven’t discussed the insurance companies rationing at all
Blackburn: sure they’re evil - but they make money and we need that in America
Stephanopoulos: Tom Coburn I know your insanity is a sore subject but people say you were a party
to corruption
Coburn: that’s a lie
Stephanopoulos: you didn’t serve as an intermediary with Ensign and his crazy family?
Coburn: oh that - yeah I did that - but only because I’m such a nice guy
Stephanopoulos: I can see that
Coburn: you don’t know what it’s like in the Republican Senate caucus - I’m obsessed with lesbians in high school bathroom and I’m considered the normal one
Stephanopoulos: wow
***************
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Meet the Press with Hillary Clinton, Newt Gingrich & Al Sharpton - November 15, 2009
Meet The Press
November 15, 2009
Guests:
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Secretary of Education Arne Duncan
Newt Gingrich
Al Sharpton
********************
Gregory: Hi Hillary
Clinton: morning Fluffy
Gregory: Secretary Clinton why would we enforce the rule of law against really bad people?
Clinton: Greggers New York City isn’t afraid to try these people and bring them to justice
Gregory: but having super-terrorists in New York City is so scary!
Clinton: Calm down Fluffy - I don’t how it works
in California but here in New York our jails have locks and everything
Gregory: speaking of being terrified of brown swarthy terrorists - why haven’t you closed
Gitmo yet?
Clinton: we want to leave it nice so we’re painting and mowing the lawn first
Gregory: makes sense
Gregory: I hear Obama is considering invading Afghanistan
Clinton: maybe
Gregory: Jill Eikenberry says sending more troops to Afghanistan could backfire
Clinton: you mean Karl Eikenberry
Gregory: him too
Clinton: we need to defeat al-qaeda
Gregory: ok
Clinton: and also the Taliban
Gregory: right
Clinton: so we can’t leave until the Afghan government has defeated the Taliban on its
own and rules a peaceful nation
Gregory: what’s the deal with Hamid Karzai
Clinton: on the plus side he’s a handsome man
and a snappy dresser - on the other hand he’s a power-hungry megalomaniac
Gregory: just like Donald Trump
Clinton: look Bush completely fucked up
this country
Gregory: yes Afghanistan is in really bad shape
Clinton: I meant the U.S.
Gregory: oh
Clinton: I don’t think I can overstate how hated George Bush was around the world and frankly he dropped the ball on Bin Laden along with everything else he touched
Gregory: Obama is going to pay homage to
Our Chinese Overlords
Clinton: you know when my husband Bill was President we almost eliminated the debt and since then Stupid wasted 2 trillion dollars so it’s up to Obama and me to fix all his mistakes
Gregory: how do we combat the wily orientals?
Clinton: sure we’re rivals but we have a common enemy who presents a threat to the stability of the whole world
Gregory: North Korea?
Clinton: Sarah Palin
Gregory: She wants to have coffee with you
Clinton: it would be fascinating to meet someone who’s never read a newspaper before
Gregory: will you read her book?
Clinton: I will if she does
Gregory: can her brand of Crazy take over the GOP?
Clinton: I sure hope so
[ break ]
Gregory: OMG it’s such a cute odd couple - Newt Gingrich and Al Sharpton are going to come up with a bipartisan solution to failing education in America!
Gregory: Newt and Al - both of you are widely disliked - so thank you for coming on my show today
Gingrich: right on
Sharpton: dude!
[ fist bump each other ]
Gregory: people say America doesn’t manufacture anything anymore Arne but you say we have excellent Dropout Factories
Duncan: that’s right - we want achievement and to raise the bar and remove firewalls
Gregory: those are some very inspiring clichés
Duncan: we must challenge the status quo, go outside our comfort zones and hope for change
Gingrich: this is the civil right of the 21st century
Duncan: we need good schools
Gregory: interesting
Gingrich: some schools are poor and violent and that’s bad
Sharpton: the poor and minorities are really getting screwed by our failing schools
Gregory: Newt you wanted to rid of the Department
of Education
Gingrich: in an ideal world every child would get
a Pell grant and buy their education on the open free market
Sharpton: hell parents have failed as well
Gregory: have we achieved anything?
Sharpton: we have succeeded in getting Newt
and me back on tv!
Gregory: since the teachers unions are evil why should we believe that a liberal will enforce accountability?
Duncan: if there was real accountability Rachel Maddow would take your job Fluffy
Gregory: what if teachers lie to you?
Duncan: I could kiss their ass like you do
Gingrich: the teachers union is responsible for
kids going to prison
Sharpton: we also need parents involved
Gregory: now wait just a minute - I invited you here
to bash teachers unions not for some debate about education
Sharpton: I heard back in Harlem you were a moron
Gingrich: Al Sharpton and I can inspire the whole world with our bipartisanship attention-seeking
Gregory: Are our teachers just stupid and should we have a West Point of Teachers?
Duncan: hard-working, service, public service,
blah blah blah
Gingrich: Jefferson said self-knowledge is vital
Gregory: Thomas Jefferson?
Gingrich: no George Jefferson - in the Hawaii episode
Gregory: that is so wise
Gingrich: the damm kids need discipline for the first time in their lives!
Sharpton: I never knew I was underprivileged because my mother taught me right
Gregory: Should we have a national failed curriculum?
Gingrich: no because some districts want to
teach kids that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to meetups with blond haired blue-eyed Republican tax-cutting Jesus
*******************
November 15, 2009
Guests:
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Secretary of Education Arne Duncan
Newt Gingrich
Al Sharpton
********************
Gregory: Hi Hillary
Clinton: morning Fluffy
Gregory: Secretary Clinton why would we enforce the rule of law against really bad people?
Clinton: Greggers New York City isn’t afraid to try these people and bring them to justice
Gregory: but having super-terrorists in New York City is so scary!
Clinton: Calm down Fluffy - I don’t how it works
in California but here in New York our jails have locks and everything
Gregory: speaking of being terrified of brown swarthy terrorists - why haven’t you closed
Gitmo yet?
Clinton: we want to leave it nice so we’re painting and mowing the lawn first
Gregory: makes sense
Gregory: I hear Obama is considering invading Afghanistan
Clinton: maybe
Gregory: Jill Eikenberry says sending more troops to Afghanistan could backfire
Clinton: you mean Karl Eikenberry
Gregory: him too
Clinton: we need to defeat al-qaeda
Gregory: ok
Clinton: and also the Taliban
Gregory: right
Clinton: so we can’t leave until the Afghan government has defeated the Taliban on its
own and rules a peaceful nation
Gregory: what’s the deal with Hamid Karzai
Clinton: on the plus side he’s a handsome man
and a snappy dresser - on the other hand he’s a power-hungry megalomaniac
Gregory: just like Donald Trump
Clinton: look Bush completely fucked up
this country
Gregory: yes Afghanistan is in really bad shape
Clinton: I meant the U.S.
Gregory: oh
Clinton: I don’t think I can overstate how hated George Bush was around the world and frankly he dropped the ball on Bin Laden along with everything else he touched
Gregory: Obama is going to pay homage to
Our Chinese Overlords
Clinton: you know when my husband Bill was President we almost eliminated the debt and since then Stupid wasted 2 trillion dollars so it’s up to Obama and me to fix all his mistakes
Gregory: how do we combat the wily orientals?
Clinton: sure we’re rivals but we have a common enemy who presents a threat to the stability of the whole world
Gregory: North Korea?
Clinton: Sarah Palin
Gregory: She wants to have coffee with you
Clinton: it would be fascinating to meet someone who’s never read a newspaper before
Gregory: will you read her book?
Clinton: I will if she does
Gregory: can her brand of Crazy take over the GOP?
Clinton: I sure hope so
[ break ]
Gregory: OMG it’s such a cute odd couple - Newt Gingrich and Al Sharpton are going to come up with a bipartisan solution to failing education in America!
Gregory: Newt and Al - both of you are widely disliked - so thank you for coming on my show today
Gingrich: right on
Sharpton: dude!
[ fist bump each other ]
Gregory: people say America doesn’t manufacture anything anymore Arne but you say we have excellent Dropout Factories
Duncan: that’s right - we want achievement and to raise the bar and remove firewalls
Gregory: those are some very inspiring clichés
Duncan: we must challenge the status quo, go outside our comfort zones and hope for change
Gingrich: this is the civil right of the 21st century
Duncan: we need good schools
Gregory: interesting
Gingrich: some schools are poor and violent and that’s bad
Sharpton: the poor and minorities are really getting screwed by our failing schools
Gregory: Newt you wanted to rid of the Department
of Education
Gingrich: in an ideal world every child would get
a Pell grant and buy their education on the open free market
Sharpton: hell parents have failed as well
Gregory: have we achieved anything?
Sharpton: we have succeeded in getting Newt
and me back on tv!
Gregory: since the teachers unions are evil why should we believe that a liberal will enforce accountability?
Duncan: if there was real accountability Rachel Maddow would take your job Fluffy
Gregory: what if teachers lie to you?
Duncan: I could kiss their ass like you do
Gingrich: the teachers union is responsible for
kids going to prison
Sharpton: we also need parents involved
Gregory: now wait just a minute - I invited you here
to bash teachers unions not for some debate about education
Sharpton: I heard back in Harlem you were a moron
Gingrich: Al Sharpton and I can inspire the whole world with our bipartisanship attention-seeking
Gregory: Are our teachers just stupid and should we have a West Point of Teachers?
Duncan: hard-working, service, public service,
blah blah blah
Gingrich: Jefferson said self-knowledge is vital
Gregory: Thomas Jefferson?
Gingrich: no George Jefferson - in the Hawaii episode
Gregory: that is so wise
Gingrich: the damm kids need discipline for the first time in their lives!
Sharpton: I never knew I was underprivileged because my mother taught me right
Gregory: Should we have a national failed curriculum?
Gingrich: no because some districts want to
teach kids that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to meetups with blond haired blue-eyed Republican tax-cutting Jesus
*******************
This Week with George Stephanopoulos with Hillary Clinton - November 15, 2009
November 15, 2009
Guests:
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Rudy Giuliani
**********************
Stephanopoulos: Obama invaded Afghanistan but can we really win there?
Clinton: George you can be sure if Obama wants to conquer Afghanistan he’s going to damm well do it
Stephanopoulos: Ambassador Eikenberry says more troops will hurt the effort
Clinton: we’re going to defeat al-qaeda dammit!
Stephanopoulos: didn’t we do that already?
Clinton: yes but they’re very wily - they have
ties to the unsavory elements of the indigenous people there
Stephanopoulos: Hamid Karzai?
Clinton: The Taliban
Stephanopoulos: Karzai is pretty corrupt isn’t he?
Clinton: it’s ok we’re going to get a Official Certification that he’s only to spend money
in a non-corrupt and totally ethical way
Stephanopoulos: you can’t even get that
in New Jersey!
Clinton: we need to find an off-ramp out of there
Stephanopoulos: it looks like we got lost
and drove into another country
Clinton: Pakistan is a theatre
Stephanopoulos: Kabuki?
Clinton: Improv
Stephanopoulos: Saint Giuliani of 9/11 says the American justice system sucks
Clinton: well he was US Attorney from NYC so
he would know
Stephanopoulos: seriously?
Clinton: no you twerp
Stephanopoulos: can you find nice homes for all the Gitmo detainees who turned out to be innocent
Clinton: we’re going to get them low-rate mortgages
Stephanopoulos: Sarah Palin wants to a coffee
date with you
Clinton: I’d love to meet her and find out how her brain works
Stephanopoulos: are you running for Governor
of New York?
Clinton: ha - I’m already Secretary of State
for god’s sake
[ break]
Stephanopoulos: welcome Saint Rudy - are you running for Governor?
Giuliani: yes - I plan to lose to Andrew Cuomo
next year
Stephanopoulos: you praised federal trials for terrorists before the GOP went full-in crazy
Giuliani: oh no no but you see a fair trial will take too long - plus there is a risk that they might be found not guilty and we can’t take that chance
Stephanopoulos: ah
Giuliani: also this sends a wrong message - that
we are not at war with random crazy people everywhere like Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, and U.S. Army Major Hasan
Stephanopoulos: are you saying Major Hasan was a foreign soldier who declared war on the U.S.?
Giuliani: yes - he had novelty business cards that said “Soldier of God”!
Stephanopoulos: to be fair Mike Huckabee
has those too
Guests:
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Rudy Giuliani
**********************
Stephanopoulos: Obama invaded Afghanistan but can we really win there?
Clinton: George you can be sure if Obama wants to conquer Afghanistan he’s going to damm well do it
Stephanopoulos: Ambassador Eikenberry says more troops will hurt the effort
Clinton: we’re going to defeat al-qaeda dammit!
Stephanopoulos: didn’t we do that already?
Clinton: yes but they’re very wily - they have
ties to the unsavory elements of the indigenous people there
Stephanopoulos: Hamid Karzai?
Clinton: The Taliban
Stephanopoulos: Karzai is pretty corrupt isn’t he?
Clinton: it’s ok we’re going to get a Official Certification that he’s only to spend money
in a non-corrupt and totally ethical way
Stephanopoulos: you can’t even get that
in New Jersey!
Clinton: we need to find an off-ramp out of there
Stephanopoulos: it looks like we got lost
and drove into another country
Clinton: Pakistan is a theatre
Stephanopoulos: Kabuki?
Clinton: Improv
Stephanopoulos: Saint Giuliani of 9/11 says the American justice system sucks
Clinton: well he was US Attorney from NYC so
he would know
Stephanopoulos: seriously?
Clinton: no you twerp
Stephanopoulos: can you find nice homes for all the Gitmo detainees who turned out to be innocent
Clinton: we’re going to get them low-rate mortgages
Stephanopoulos: Sarah Palin wants to a coffee
date with you
Clinton: I’d love to meet her and find out how her brain works
Stephanopoulos: are you running for Governor
of New York?
Clinton: ha - I’m already Secretary of State
for god’s sake
[ break]
Stephanopoulos: welcome Saint Rudy - are you running for Governor?
Giuliani: yes - I plan to lose to Andrew Cuomo
next year
Stephanopoulos: you praised federal trials for terrorists before the GOP went full-in crazy
Giuliani: oh no no but you see a fair trial will take too long - plus there is a risk that they might be found not guilty and we can’t take that chance
Stephanopoulos: ah
Giuliani: also this sends a wrong message - that
we are not at war with random crazy people everywhere like Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, and U.S. Army Major Hasan
Stephanopoulos: are you saying Major Hasan was a foreign soldier who declared war on the U.S.?
Giuliani: yes - he had novelty business cards that said “Soldier of God”!
Stephanopoulos: to be fair Mike Huckabee
has those too
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Meet The Press - November 8, 2009
Meet The Press
November 8, 2009
Guests:
General Casey
Gov. Haley Barbour
Gov. Ed Rendell
********************
Gregory: General I love your fatigues
Casey: thanks
Gregory: was this Fort Hood guy a lone gunman
Casey: I can’t answer that
Gregory: people think that counseling veterans stressed out by combat and then being sent to Iraq himself may have made him snap
Casey: and this is a surprise to you?
Gregory: how did the Army miss the warning signs?
Casey: Fluffy we really don’t know what happened
Gregory: but he hated our wars!
Casey: you are a silly person
Gregory: if he wanted to be discharged why not let him?
Casey: are you kidding - a muslim psychiatrist is like gold fluffy - gold!
Gregory: we send soldiers to repeated tours of duty - is that bad?
Casey: sure - we’re thinking about training soldiers to deal with it better
Gregory: but we will keep sending them into combat?
Casey: the empire won’t run itself Greggers
Gregory: can U.S. muslims fight our ongoing
war on Islam?
Casey: we don’t have a war on Islam
Gregroy: ok - should we send 40,000 troops
to Afghanistan?
Casey: yeah like I’m going to answer that
Gregory: The House passed a Democratic health reform bill so let me turn to an expert - Haley Barbour
Barbour: those Dems fahailed!
Gregory: aren’t the Democrats doomed Ed?
Rendell: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: but the centrists!
Rendell: calm down Fluffy
Barbour: theah merkin paypal don’t want government crammed down theah throat
Gregory: the middle class will hate the bill won’t they
Rendell: look you idiot it’s a good bill that will help millions of people
Gregory: Governor Barbour are the Democrats totally doomed?
Barbour: sadly yes - David Broder said so
Gregory: oh noe!
Barbour: people are very angry at health care reform - they want jobs - so of course they are turning to Republicans with their great track record
Gregory: the Moonie Times and Politico say Obama is doing too much and also not doing enough
Rendell: wow that’s stupid
Gregory: but he’s doing too much
Rendell: that’s silly
Gregory: just bash Obama ok
Barbour: Look its very simple - Obama is only popular because he is black and Americans just love
black people
Gregory: of course
Gregory: what do you think of Sarah Palin
Barbour: she’s an idiot
Gregory: could she be President?
Barbour: of what?
Gregory: will you run for President?
Barbour: we’ve done worse than me
Rendell: I don’t know about that
Gregory: Ed is Obama totally doomed?
Rendell: yeah whatever Fluffers
Gregory: please sing the praises of Saint Ronnie of the Deficit
Barbour: Reagan helped ordinary people not the rich fat cats on Wall Street
Rendell: what the fuck??
Gregory: do we need to send 40,000 more troops
to Afghanistan?
Barbour: definitely and if Obama sends then I promise we won’t compare him to Hitler anymore
Gregory: and if he doesn’t?
Barbour: the entire 2010 election will revolve around Dachau
Rendell: where are all these troops supposed to come from?
Barbour: Buddha will provide
[ break ]
Gregory: Obama has to send non-existent troops to Afghanistan or else he will be called a British-Indonesian-Kenyan-Muslim American-hater
Brooks: right
Maddow: they will call him StalinHitler no matter what
Gillespie: we have learned from the mistakes of the Bush administration that Obama is a bad President
Dionne: oh wait I just remembered something about Afghanistan - we’re totally fucked there
Gregory: Obama achieved a great victory last night
Maddow: except for not covering women
Gillespie: the bill uses the word “shall” and of course we can’t have government mandating things
Brooks: we’re America - we can’t afford to help sick Americans
Dionne: Reagan said Medicare was terrible - in 50 years Gillespie will sing the praises of Pelosi-care
Gillespie: under Obamacare I won’t live that long!
Maddow: the Republican plan really would wreck the economy - no one ever mentions that because they’re so worthless
Dionne: It’s simple - health care reform is a good fucking idea
Brooks: the problem with our system is we spend
too much making sick people well
Gregory: The Democrats lost on Tuesday!
Gillespie: Conservatives won in Virginia which is truly amazing
Maddow: Deeds lost because he sucked and ran away from Obama
Brooks: Democrats lost the county executive race in Westchester because Obama is bad man
Gregory: We have 10% unemployment in the
Obama recession!
Maddow: hey you might as well have second stimulus because the Dems and Obama are going to get blamed anyway
Brooks: John Maynard Keynes was wrong about everything
Dionne: actually the stimulus was too small
Gillespie: we need to bring back that Bush economy - fuck yeah!
************************
November 8, 2009
Guests:
General Casey
Gov. Haley Barbour
Gov. Ed Rendell
********************
Gregory: General I love your fatigues
Casey: thanks
Gregory: was this Fort Hood guy a lone gunman
Casey: I can’t answer that
Gregory: people think that counseling veterans stressed out by combat and then being sent to Iraq himself may have made him snap
Casey: and this is a surprise to you?
Gregory: how did the Army miss the warning signs?
Casey: Fluffy we really don’t know what happened
Gregory: but he hated our wars!
Casey: you are a silly person
Gregory: if he wanted to be discharged why not let him?
Casey: are you kidding - a muslim psychiatrist is like gold fluffy - gold!
Gregory: we send soldiers to repeated tours of duty - is that bad?
Casey: sure - we’re thinking about training soldiers to deal with it better
Gregory: but we will keep sending them into combat?
Casey: the empire won’t run itself Greggers
Gregory: can U.S. muslims fight our ongoing
war on Islam?
Casey: we don’t have a war on Islam
Gregroy: ok - should we send 40,000 troops
to Afghanistan?
Casey: yeah like I’m going to answer that
Gregory: The House passed a Democratic health reform bill so let me turn to an expert - Haley Barbour
Barbour: those Dems fahailed!
Gregory: aren’t the Democrats doomed Ed?
Rendell: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: but the centrists!
Rendell: calm down Fluffy
Barbour: theah merkin paypal don’t want government crammed down theah throat
Gregory: the middle class will hate the bill won’t they
Rendell: look you idiot it’s a good bill that will help millions of people
Gregory: Governor Barbour are the Democrats totally doomed?
Barbour: sadly yes - David Broder said so
Gregory: oh noe!
Barbour: people are very angry at health care reform - they want jobs - so of course they are turning to Republicans with their great track record
Gregory: the Moonie Times and Politico say Obama is doing too much and also not doing enough
Rendell: wow that’s stupid
Gregory: but he’s doing too much
Rendell: that’s silly
Gregory: just bash Obama ok
Barbour: Look its very simple - Obama is only popular because he is black and Americans just love
black people
Gregory: of course
Gregory: what do you think of Sarah Palin
Barbour: she’s an idiot
Gregory: could she be President?
Barbour: of what?
Gregory: will you run for President?
Barbour: we’ve done worse than me
Rendell: I don’t know about that
Gregory: Ed is Obama totally doomed?
Rendell: yeah whatever Fluffers
Gregory: please sing the praises of Saint Ronnie of the Deficit
Barbour: Reagan helped ordinary people not the rich fat cats on Wall Street
Rendell: what the fuck??
Gregory: do we need to send 40,000 more troops
to Afghanistan?
Barbour: definitely and if Obama sends then I promise we won’t compare him to Hitler anymore
Gregory: and if he doesn’t?
Barbour: the entire 2010 election will revolve around Dachau
Rendell: where are all these troops supposed to come from?
Barbour: Buddha will provide
[ break ]
Gregory: Obama has to send non-existent troops to Afghanistan or else he will be called a British-Indonesian-Kenyan-Muslim American-hater
Brooks: right
Maddow: they will call him StalinHitler no matter what
Gillespie: we have learned from the mistakes of the Bush administration that Obama is a bad President
Dionne: oh wait I just remembered something about Afghanistan - we’re totally fucked there
Gregory: Obama achieved a great victory last night
Maddow: except for not covering women
Gillespie: the bill uses the word “shall” and of course we can’t have government mandating things
Brooks: we’re America - we can’t afford to help sick Americans
Dionne: Reagan said Medicare was terrible - in 50 years Gillespie will sing the praises of Pelosi-care
Gillespie: under Obamacare I won’t live that long!
Maddow: the Republican plan really would wreck the economy - no one ever mentions that because they’re so worthless
Dionne: It’s simple - health care reform is a good fucking idea
Brooks: the problem with our system is we spend
too much making sick people well
Gregory: The Democrats lost on Tuesday!
Gillespie: Conservatives won in Virginia which is truly amazing
Maddow: Deeds lost because he sucked and ran away from Obama
Brooks: Democrats lost the county executive race in Westchester because Obama is bad man
Gregory: We have 10% unemployment in the
Obama recession!
Maddow: hey you might as well have second stimulus because the Dems and Obama are going to get blamed anyway
Brooks: John Maynard Keynes was wrong about everything
Dionne: actually the stimulus was too small
Gillespie: we need to bring back that Bush economy - fuck yeah!
************************
This Week with George Stephanopoulos - November 8, 2009
This Week with George Stephanopoulos
November 8, 2009
Guests:
Tim Kaine
Michael Steele
********************
Stephanopoulos: hi did you bring any kids
or props today
Kaine: who do I look like Carrot Top?
Steele: [ waves foam finger ] it’s off the hook!
Stephanopoulos: Last night the House passed a health care billt
Kaine: Teddy Roosevelt wanted this bill and he was a big white hunting Republican
Steele: the problem with this bill is that is gives the government power and the U.S. government is evil
Kaine: ok
Steele: it’s a trick to debate late on a Saturday night - I mean we Republicans were all watching
Taylor Swift on NBC!
Kaine: we had months of debate idiot
Steele: no not really - we sent Obama a letter in April telling him to adopt GOP ideas and we never heard back from him
Kaine: are you sure you sent it to the White House?
Steele: we addressed it to “That Kenyan-Muslim Usurper, The Reagan House, Pennsylvania avenue”
Steph: are you the party of “No”
Steele: No
Steph: ok
Stephanopoulos: are Democrats doomed with independents?
Kaine: yeah sure good luck with that
argument Stephy
Steele: People voted for Chris Christie because they wanted to vote against Democrats in Washington
Kaine: sure they did
Steele: Boeher will be speaker of the house
Kaine: yikes
[ SPIT TAKE ]
Stephanopoulos: hey I bought this suit at JC Pennys
Kaine: this year we’ve picked up two senate seats and two house seats
Steele: true - but Obama is still black
Stephanopoulos: so are you
Steele: [ SPIT TAKE ]
holy shit!
Steph: not again
Kaine: we’re creating stimulus jobs
Steele: that’s a government contract - not a real job
Lockheed Martin: damm right!
Stephanopoulos: you lost the NY-23 district
Steele: no the conservative won that seat
two years from now
Stephanopoulos: um what
Steele: we have a future victory
Kaine: they lost the seat they held since 1870 because Sarah Palin is idiot and the GOP is imploding
Steele: There’s a 2,000 pound baby on the railroad tracks of progress
Stephanopoulos: okay then
********************
November 8, 2009
Guests:
Tim Kaine
Michael Steele
********************
Stephanopoulos: hi did you bring any kids
or props today
Kaine: who do I look like Carrot Top?
Steele: [ waves foam finger ] it’s off the hook!
Stephanopoulos: Last night the House passed a health care billt
Kaine: Teddy Roosevelt wanted this bill and he was a big white hunting Republican
Steele: the problem with this bill is that is gives the government power and the U.S. government is evil
Kaine: ok
Steele: it’s a trick to debate late on a Saturday night - I mean we Republicans were all watching
Taylor Swift on NBC!
Kaine: we had months of debate idiot
Steele: no not really - we sent Obama a letter in April telling him to adopt GOP ideas and we never heard back from him
Kaine: are you sure you sent it to the White House?
Steele: we addressed it to “That Kenyan-Muslim Usurper, The Reagan House, Pennsylvania avenue”
Steph: are you the party of “No”
Steele: No
Steph: ok
Stephanopoulos: are Democrats doomed with independents?
Kaine: yeah sure good luck with that
argument Stephy
Steele: People voted for Chris Christie because they wanted to vote against Democrats in Washington
Kaine: sure they did
Steele: Boeher will be speaker of the house
Kaine: yikes
[ SPIT TAKE ]
Stephanopoulos: hey I bought this suit at JC Pennys
Kaine: this year we’ve picked up two senate seats and two house seats
Steele: true - but Obama is still black
Stephanopoulos: so are you
Steele: [ SPIT TAKE ]
holy shit!
Steph: not again
Kaine: we’re creating stimulus jobs
Steele: that’s a government contract - not a real job
Lockheed Martin: damm right!
Stephanopoulos: you lost the NY-23 district
Steele: no the conservative won that seat
two years from now
Stephanopoulos: um what
Steele: we have a future victory
Kaine: they lost the seat they held since 1870 because Sarah Palin is idiot and the GOP is imploding
Steele: There’s a 2,000 pound baby on the railroad tracks of progress
Stephanopoulos: okay then
********************
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Face the Nation with Joe Lieberman - November 1, 2009
Face the Nation
November 1, 2009
Guest: Sen. Joe Lieberman (CFL-CT)
************************
Schieffer: Holy Joe thanks for coming
Lieberman: thank you very much Bob
Schieffer: So the Democrats may pass health care reform public option - what do you think?
Lieberman: I’m all for health care reform but we have to worry about the state of the economy in 20 years and a public option might help people and save lives in the short term but in the long run it will run up the debt and destroy America
[ shakes jowls vigorously ]
Schieffer: but most people like it
Lieberman: sure they do but this crazy idea
that people deserve health care just came
out of nowhere!
Schieffer: Liberals say we need it to save lives
Lieberman: true but we must be ready to kill the many to save the few who make our incredibly
fragile economy the envy of the world
Schieffer: will you filibuster a public option?
Lieberman: I will - I must stop this horrific idea
that the government would create an entitlement
for health care
[begins weeping]
Schieffer: you think people are not entitled to
decent health care?
Lieberman: not if they are not as wonderful as I am
Schieffer: is anyone in America as terrific as you?
Lieberman: touchdown Jesus
Schieffer: but your filibuster could kill all health
care reform
Lieberman: oh no I’m not the one who would
do that - those horrible people who push for the public option are -- they are mean and say if you
are not for the government insurance you must
be a bad person
[ starts crying ]
Schieffer: would rather have no reform at all
than a government-run insurance program
Lieberman: yes - because the public plan will be
so very expensive that no one will enroll in it which will be bad because it will be too unpopular and
also it will run up the debt and raise taxes when everyone enrolls
Schieffer: this has nothing to do with the $400,000 you got this year alone from insurance companies
Lieberman: oh no no no I hate insurance companies
Schieffer: really?
Lieberman: yeah I even pretended I would remove their anti-trust exemption
[ wipes tears]
Schieffer: will you stop crying
Lieberman: this takes us down a road America has never gone down before - America providing health care to its citizens is a nightmare scenario
[sobs]
Schieffer: you also want to put more troops in Afghanistan even though their government is
totally corrupt
Lieberman: Oh no no Karzai is the Last Honest Man in Afghanistan - our troops need to believe in his inherent goodness
Schieffer: you’re like a jowly Rush Limbaugh
Lieberman: no I actually don't believe Obama despises America or fakes his compassion
for the troops
Schieffer: golly you’re such a moderate
*********************
November 1, 2009
Guest: Sen. Joe Lieberman (CFL-CT)
************************
Schieffer: Holy Joe thanks for coming
Lieberman: thank you very much Bob
Schieffer: So the Democrats may pass health care reform public option - what do you think?
Lieberman: I’m all for health care reform but we have to worry about the state of the economy in 20 years and a public option might help people and save lives in the short term but in the long run it will run up the debt and destroy America
[ shakes jowls vigorously ]
Schieffer: but most people like it
Lieberman: sure they do but this crazy idea
that people deserve health care just came
out of nowhere!
Schieffer: Liberals say we need it to save lives
Lieberman: true but we must be ready to kill the many to save the few who make our incredibly
fragile economy the envy of the world
Schieffer: will you filibuster a public option?
Lieberman: I will - I must stop this horrific idea
that the government would create an entitlement
for health care
[begins weeping]
Schieffer: you think people are not entitled to
decent health care?
Lieberman: not if they are not as wonderful as I am
Schieffer: is anyone in America as terrific as you?
Lieberman: touchdown Jesus
Schieffer: but your filibuster could kill all health
care reform
Lieberman: oh no I’m not the one who would
do that - those horrible people who push for the public option are -- they are mean and say if you
are not for the government insurance you must
be a bad person
[ starts crying ]
Schieffer: would rather have no reform at all
than a government-run insurance program
Lieberman: yes - because the public plan will be
so very expensive that no one will enroll in it which will be bad because it will be too unpopular and
also it will run up the debt and raise taxes when everyone enrolls
Schieffer: this has nothing to do with the $400,000 you got this year alone from insurance companies
Lieberman: oh no no no I hate insurance companies
Schieffer: really?
Lieberman: yeah I even pretended I would remove their anti-trust exemption
[ wipes tears]
Schieffer: will you stop crying
Lieberman: this takes us down a road America has never gone down before - America providing health care to its citizens is a nightmare scenario
[sobs]
Schieffer: you also want to put more troops in Afghanistan even though their government is
totally corrupt
Lieberman: Oh no no Karzai is the Last Honest Man in Afghanistan - our troops need to believe in his inherent goodness
Schieffer: you’re like a jowly Rush Limbaugh
Lieberman: no I actually don't believe Obama despises America or fakes his compassion
for the troops
Schieffer: golly you’re such a moderate
*********************
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Meet The Press - Halloween Episode - October 31, 2009
Meet The Press
October 31, 2009
Guests:
Sen. John McCain
Count Dracula
Frankenstein
The Mummy
The Wolfman
Zombie
********************************
Gregory: Welcome to this special edition of
Meet The Press - thank you all for coming
McCain: thank you David
Dracula: yeeesss thank you Daaahhveed Greegorrry
Frankenstein: Mr. Gregory nice to be here
Wolfman: Good morning everyone
Zombie: Glad to be here, Dave
Mummy: mmmmmph rrrrmmmpph
Gregory: Senator McCain let’s start with you -
the House Democrats have proposed a 2,000
page health reform bill with a public option
- do they have the votes to pass this and can the Republicans stop it?
McCain: my friends this proposal is not the right thing to do - we need to start over, go back to the drawing board and-
Zombie: Fresh brains!!! mmmmrrrrrrgghhhh!!!!
[ zombie lunges at McCain ]
Gregory: zombie please don’t eat John
McCain’s brain
McCain: aaaaaarrhhhh
Zombie: grrraarrmmmphhh nom nom nom nom
Gregory: great now McCain is wandering around
the studio aimlessly
Frankenstein: so nothing new then
Wolfman: ha good one Frank
Frankenstein: thanks Wolf
Gregory: ok John McCain is now one of the undead - let’s move on
McCain: moooooaaaannn
Gregory: Dracula what do you think of this
health reform bill
Dracula: Daaavid Gregorrry I must say this bill eees
a terrible idea - Americans viiill lose access to health care, and insurance companies vill be put out
of business
Gregory: to be fair you are Transylvanian and immortal
Dracula: Nevertheless Daaavid Grrregory ze American people don’t vant a puuuublic option
- zey vant lower taxes and tort reforrrm
Wolfman: I strongly disagree. Look at me - being a wolfman is a preexisting condition - how am I supposed to get health insurance now?? Plus I have
sciatica, high blood pressure, and distemper!
Gregory: sorry to hear that
Mummy: mmmmrrrrph arrrruummph
Gregory: Frankenstein what do you think?
Frankenstein: Actually I’m The Creature - Frankenstein was the scientist who created me
Gregory: oh really sorry
Frankenstein: it’s okay - you can call me Frank
McCain: [ wanders across stage ]
braaaaaainnnnsss!!
Frankenstein: David it’s clear we need single-payer insurance - if government insurance is good enough for members of Congress and our military, why not everyone else?
Gregory: but the deficit!!!
Frankenstein: Calm down Fluffy - it’s more efficient and speaking as someone is himself stitched from parts of dead bodies - I know how much we need this
Dracula: eees a government takeover of health carrre and eess a jobs kiiiiller
Gregory: I should tell our viewers Dracula that you sit on the board of directors of Aetna and United Health and have $200 million in health insurance stock
Dracula: [ shrugs ] I have made a few investments over zeee last 500 yearrrs, eees true
Zombie: I’m very concerned about the details - for example will there be negotiated rates? Who will be eligible for the public option? And most importantly -
will it cover fresh brains???
Gregory: all good questions
McCain: [cuts in front of camera ]
aaaaarrrhhh braaaains
Gregory: the public option has created a firestorm
of controversy
Frankenstein: Fire BAAAD!!!!
Wolfman: without single-payer this is basically a giveaway to the insurance companies, for example oh no full moon oh no nooo ow ow oww OW OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
[ turns into wolf, leaps on zombie John McCain ]
McCain: aaaaiiiieeeee
Gregory: oh Wolfman is biting the senator
Frankenstein: that’s a shame
Gregory: Ok he just ate John McCain - let’s move on
[ Dracula stares at Gregory’s neck ]
Gregory: Mummy you’re from the middle east - if
we leave Iraq and Afghanistan don’t we just surrender to the terrorists?
Mummy: I once read in hieroglyphics that you
were a moron
Gregory: we have to stay for the honor of our troops! Also spending on health care is bad!
Mummy: you’re like the Rosetta Stone of Stupidity
Dracula: I haf liiived for 800 yeeearrss and I must say I think that theeees eees not so good a situation
Mummy: Granted the extremists are dangerous -
but what are we doing there? And is bombing people really going to win over the people? We went up against the Greek, Romans, and Napoleon and the pyramids are still around
Gregory: good point
McCain: oooooohhhhh!!!!! ow owww oooooowwwwwww!!!!
Gregory: great now Senator John McCain is
a werewolf
Dracula: you have lovely skiiiin Dahveeeed Gregorrrry
Gregory: thanks very much Count
Dracula: pleeez call me Vlaaad
Gregory: Vlad what about Congressional race in upstate New York - the Republican nominee just dropped out!
Frankenstein: sure people hate Republicans
Gregory: no she quit in favor of a right wing
crazy person
Dracula: this eees good news for Repuuuuublicans - Scozzafava vas not a real Repuuuublican - she doesn’t believe in teabagging, African birth certificates, or demonized Hallowen candy - there’s no room for that kind of thinking in today’s party Dahveed Greeegorrry
Gregory: Hoffman is a vampire, isn’t he?
Dracula: [ smiles slyly ] maybe
Gregory: Oooh tell me who else is???
Dracula: just between us - Karl Rove, Pat and Bay Buchanan, Mary Matalin and-
Gregory: and James Carville?
Dracula: oh no - I think he eees some kind
of underground trolll
Gregory: ah
Dracula: how vould like to be immorrrrtal, dahveed?
[strokes Gregory's hair]
Gregory: gee I don’t know
Dracula: don’t reeesiiist me dahveed
[ lunges over, bites Gregory on the neck ]
Gregory: oh my
Dracula: you are now a vampire - a member of the glorious family of the soulless undead, sucking the blood of the living for eternity
Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]
and we’ll be back next Sunday for another edition of Meet The Press where my guest will be zombie werewolf John McCain
**************
October 31, 2009
Guests:
Sen. John McCain
Count Dracula
Frankenstein
The Mummy
The Wolfman
Zombie
********************************
Gregory: Welcome to this special edition of
Meet The Press - thank you all for coming
McCain: thank you David
Dracula: yeeesss thank you Daaahhveed Greegorrry
Frankenstein: Mr. Gregory nice to be here
Wolfman: Good morning everyone
Zombie: Glad to be here, Dave
Mummy: mmmmmph rrrrmmmpph
Gregory: Senator McCain let’s start with you -
the House Democrats have proposed a 2,000
page health reform bill with a public option
- do they have the votes to pass this and can the Republicans stop it?
McCain: my friends this proposal is not the right thing to do - we need to start over, go back to the drawing board and-
Zombie: Fresh brains!!! mmmmrrrrrrgghhhh!!!!
[ zombie lunges at McCain ]
Gregory: zombie please don’t eat John
McCain’s brain
McCain: aaaaaarrhhhh
Zombie: grrraarrmmmphhh nom nom nom nom
Gregory: great now McCain is wandering around
the studio aimlessly
Frankenstein: so nothing new then
Wolfman: ha good one Frank
Frankenstein: thanks Wolf
Gregory: ok John McCain is now one of the undead - let’s move on
McCain: moooooaaaannn
Gregory: Dracula what do you think of this
health reform bill
Dracula: Daaavid Gregorrry I must say this bill eees
a terrible idea - Americans viiill lose access to health care, and insurance companies vill be put out
of business
Gregory: to be fair you are Transylvanian and immortal
Dracula: Nevertheless Daaavid Grrregory ze American people don’t vant a puuuublic option
- zey vant lower taxes and tort reforrrm
Wolfman: I strongly disagree. Look at me - being a wolfman is a preexisting condition - how am I supposed to get health insurance now?? Plus I have
sciatica, high blood pressure, and distemper!
Gregory: sorry to hear that
Mummy: mmmmrrrrph arrrruummph
Gregory: Frankenstein what do you think?
Frankenstein: Actually I’m The Creature - Frankenstein was the scientist who created me
Gregory: oh really sorry
Frankenstein: it’s okay - you can call me Frank
McCain: [ wanders across stage ]
braaaaaainnnnsss!!
Frankenstein: David it’s clear we need single-payer insurance - if government insurance is good enough for members of Congress and our military, why not everyone else?
Gregory: but the deficit!!!
Frankenstein: Calm down Fluffy - it’s more efficient and speaking as someone is himself stitched from parts of dead bodies - I know how much we need this
Dracula: eees a government takeover of health carrre and eess a jobs kiiiiller
Gregory: I should tell our viewers Dracula that you sit on the board of directors of Aetna and United Health and have $200 million in health insurance stock
Dracula: [ shrugs ] I have made a few investments over zeee last 500 yearrrs, eees true
Zombie: I’m very concerned about the details - for example will there be negotiated rates? Who will be eligible for the public option? And most importantly -
will it cover fresh brains???
Gregory: all good questions
McCain: [cuts in front of camera ]
aaaaarrrhhh braaaains
Gregory: the public option has created a firestorm
of controversy
Frankenstein: Fire BAAAD!!!!
Wolfman: without single-payer this is basically a giveaway to the insurance companies, for example oh no full moon oh no nooo ow ow oww OW OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
[ turns into wolf, leaps on zombie John McCain ]
McCain: aaaaiiiieeeee
Gregory: oh Wolfman is biting the senator
Frankenstein: that’s a shame
Gregory: Ok he just ate John McCain - let’s move on
[ Dracula stares at Gregory’s neck ]
Gregory: Mummy you’re from the middle east - if
we leave Iraq and Afghanistan don’t we just surrender to the terrorists?
Mummy: I once read in hieroglyphics that you
were a moron
Gregory: we have to stay for the honor of our troops! Also spending on health care is bad!
Mummy: you’re like the Rosetta Stone of Stupidity
Dracula: I haf liiived for 800 yeeearrss and I must say I think that theeees eees not so good a situation
Mummy: Granted the extremists are dangerous -
but what are we doing there? And is bombing people really going to win over the people? We went up against the Greek, Romans, and Napoleon and the pyramids are still around
Gregory: good point
McCain: oooooohhhhh!!!!! ow owww oooooowwwwwww!!!!
Gregory: great now Senator John McCain is
a werewolf
Dracula: you have lovely skiiiin Dahveeeed Gregorrrry
Gregory: thanks very much Count
Dracula: pleeez call me Vlaaad
Gregory: Vlad what about Congressional race in upstate New York - the Republican nominee just dropped out!
Frankenstein: sure people hate Republicans
Gregory: no she quit in favor of a right wing
crazy person
Dracula: this eees good news for Repuuuuublicans - Scozzafava vas not a real Repuuuublican - she doesn’t believe in teabagging, African birth certificates, or demonized Hallowen candy - there’s no room for that kind of thinking in today’s party Dahveed Greeegorrry
Gregory: Hoffman is a vampire, isn’t he?
Dracula: [ smiles slyly ] maybe
Gregory: Oooh tell me who else is???
Dracula: just between us - Karl Rove, Pat and Bay Buchanan, Mary Matalin and-
Gregory: and James Carville?
Dracula: oh no - I think he eees some kind
of underground trolll
Gregory: ah
Dracula: how vould like to be immorrrrtal, dahveed?
[strokes Gregory's hair]
Gregory: gee I don’t know
Dracula: don’t reeesiiist me dahveed
[ lunges over, bites Gregory on the neck ]
Gregory: oh my
Dracula: you are now a vampire - a member of the glorious family of the soulless undead, sucking the blood of the living for eternity
Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]
and we’ll be back next Sunday for another edition of Meet The Press where my guest will be zombie werewolf John McCain
**************
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Meet The Press - October 25, 2009
Meet The Press
October 25, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Cornyn
Sen. Schumer
Aaron Sorkin
Erin Burnett
Joe Scarborogh
Jane Mayer
Tavis Smiley
Dan Senor
********************
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn there was a bombing in Iraq so does this prove that Obama is a bad President?
Cornyn: yes - Tommy Friedman said so
Schumer: Not true - our soldiers are heroes
Gregory: have we won in Iraq?
Schumer: we never should have invaded in the first place Fluffers
Gregory: Sen Schumer it may feel good to limit welfare to $500,000 but the reality is that it’s just punishment!
Schumer: that’s fucking stupid Dancin’ Dave
Gregory: But if Obama cuts their pay, they are going to quit and get another better jobs and that will hurt the companies and then they won’t be able to pay their welfare back!!!
Cornyn: holy shit even I can’t follow that logic
Gregory: an executive told me they will quit for other jobs where they ruin other companies for millions
of dollars
Cornyn: Don’t worry Fluffy they will just get paid
in gold wastebaskets
Gregory: But isn’t it wrong for the government
to shame wonderful dignified poor little failed executives??
Schumer: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: Public option - yes or no?
Schumer: I propose creating a public health insurance company - but one as badly run as private insurers so there will be a level playing field
Gregory: What is President Snowe’s position?
Schumer: Liberals Dems can live with it, Wanker Dems don’t like it but may not fillibuster
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn can you live with a public option?
Cornyn: OMG I just remember that the debt is bad!!!
Gregory: the debt built up under Reagan, Bush, and Bush Jr.?
Cornyn: Public option is a Trojan Horse for Single-Payer!
Schumer: oh fuck these GOP fuckers - they didn’t pay for Iraq, Afghanistan, Bailout Boy’s spending and all the other shit they pulled
Cornyn: well then let’s get rid of Social Security
Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is dithering on fixing the problems of Cheney administration
Schumer: ha - fuck that stupid fuck
Cornyn: President McChrystal says Gen. Obama should give him more troops!
Gregory: Did Cheney provide enough troops?
Cornyn: Clearly not - but the issue is not troops
but a bad strategy
Schumer: Bush’s bad strategy!
Cornyn: well technically
Gregory: Senator you’re a Republican - is Obama in trouble?
Cornyn: indeed - the election they haven’t lost in Virginia is a cautionary tale for liberals
Schumer: yeah stick with that you stupid fuck
[break]
Gregory: Is Obama killing Wall Street by limiting them to a salary $500,000??
Burnett: No they’ll just get paid in stock options
Gregory: oh thank god
Sorkin: they’re all going to quit and work for Goldman Sachs - it’s so, so sad
Gregory: why would Goldman pay them that much?
Sorkin: they all belong to same country club
Gregory: we have to encourage risk - that’s
how money is made in the world!
Sorkin: right
Gregory: [ high pitched squeaky voice ]
Sure it’s easy to bash AIG but we want them to be healthier and so we have to pay their failed executives millions!!
[ laughs ]
Burnett: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: but the debt!!
Burnett: sorry but we need to spend this money
Gregory: [ sobs ]
Gregory: OMG Obama is trying to undermine conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, insurance executives and Fox News!!
Scarborough: the mainstream media does whatever Fox wants and that hasn’t changed
Gregory: has Obama changed the tone in Washington?
Smiley: as the liberal here I agree Obama is uncivil, unaccountable, and this is all a distraction
Gregory: thank you liberal Tavis Smiley
Mayer: hey Fluffers all Presidents do this - you’re just holding Obama to a higher standard
Scarborough: of course - because everyone knows that Republicans are evil
Mayer: so he’s not Gandhi
Scarborough: he promised to be Gandhi
Gregory: where's the saintly Obama were promised?
Scarborough: of course Nixon was evil he was a Republican
Senor: Rush Limbaugh is thrilled!
Smiley: this is all a distraction dammit!!
Scarborough: all America wakes up every morning listening to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh!
Gregory: where is the public option?
Scarborough: Liberals are angry at Obama for pushing a trigger
Gregory: how do you know?
Scarborough: Arianna Huffington says so
Gregory: so why don’t I just invite her on?
Scarborough: I’m so charming
Gregory: Is a Obama wishy-washy failure?
Smiley: He’s gotta lead!
Mayer: the Constitution requires 60 voters to enact legislation!
Senor: Republicans in Congress wanted to work with the President but he betrayed them with his partisan hatred
Gregory: Cheney says Obama is dithering
and killing troops
Senor: Obama is too obsessed with Cheney just because the former vice president accuses him of playing golf and letting US soldiers die
Gregory: fascinating
Senor: I don’t want to say Obama is dithering but there are all these questions out there about whether Obama loves America or wants to see men and women in uniform die
Gregory: Jane you say we’re using drones to
bomb people
Mayer: It’s the new American way to fight - killing innocent people using robots from above
Smiley: this is nonsense!
Scarborough: This proves that targeted assassinations are the way to go
Senor: we need thousands of marines!
Mayer: whoa dudes put your goddamm dicks away
Gregory: is there a fight in the Republican party?
Scarborough: yes!
Mayer: sounds bad for the GOP
Scarborough: no this is good news Republicans
- it always is
October 25, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Cornyn
Sen. Schumer
Aaron Sorkin
Erin Burnett
Joe Scarborogh
Jane Mayer
Tavis Smiley
Dan Senor
********************
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn there was a bombing in Iraq so does this prove that Obama is a bad President?
Cornyn: yes - Tommy Friedman said so
Schumer: Not true - our soldiers are heroes
Gregory: have we won in Iraq?
Schumer: we never should have invaded in the first place Fluffers
Gregory: Sen Schumer it may feel good to limit welfare to $500,000 but the reality is that it’s just punishment!
Schumer: that’s fucking stupid Dancin’ Dave
Gregory: But if Obama cuts their pay, they are going to quit and get another better jobs and that will hurt the companies and then they won’t be able to pay their welfare back!!!
Cornyn: holy shit even I can’t follow that logic
Gregory: an executive told me they will quit for other jobs where they ruin other companies for millions
of dollars
Cornyn: Don’t worry Fluffy they will just get paid
in gold wastebaskets
Gregory: But isn’t it wrong for the government
to shame wonderful dignified poor little failed executives??
Schumer: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: Public option - yes or no?
Schumer: I propose creating a public health insurance company - but one as badly run as private insurers so there will be a level playing field
Gregory: What is President Snowe’s position?
Schumer: Liberals Dems can live with it, Wanker Dems don’t like it but may not fillibuster
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn can you live with a public option?
Cornyn: OMG I just remember that the debt is bad!!!
Gregory: the debt built up under Reagan, Bush, and Bush Jr.?
Cornyn: Public option is a Trojan Horse for Single-Payer!
Schumer: oh fuck these GOP fuckers - they didn’t pay for Iraq, Afghanistan, Bailout Boy’s spending and all the other shit they pulled
Cornyn: well then let’s get rid of Social Security
Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is dithering on fixing the problems of Cheney administration
Schumer: ha - fuck that stupid fuck
Cornyn: President McChrystal says Gen. Obama should give him more troops!
Gregory: Did Cheney provide enough troops?
Cornyn: Clearly not - but the issue is not troops
but a bad strategy
Schumer: Bush’s bad strategy!
Cornyn: well technically
Gregory: Senator you’re a Republican - is Obama in trouble?
Cornyn: indeed - the election they haven’t lost in Virginia is a cautionary tale for liberals
Schumer: yeah stick with that you stupid fuck
[break]
Gregory: Is Obama killing Wall Street by limiting them to a salary $500,000??
Burnett: No they’ll just get paid in stock options
Gregory: oh thank god
Sorkin: they’re all going to quit and work for Goldman Sachs - it’s so, so sad
Gregory: why would Goldman pay them that much?
Sorkin: they all belong to same country club
Gregory: we have to encourage risk - that’s
how money is made in the world!
Sorkin: right
Gregory: [ high pitched squeaky voice ]
Sure it’s easy to bash AIG but we want them to be healthier and so we have to pay their failed executives millions!!
[ laughs ]
Burnett: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: but the debt!!
Burnett: sorry but we need to spend this money
Gregory: [ sobs ]
Gregory: OMG Obama is trying to undermine conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, insurance executives and Fox News!!
Scarborough: the mainstream media does whatever Fox wants and that hasn’t changed
Gregory: has Obama changed the tone in Washington?
Smiley: as the liberal here I agree Obama is uncivil, unaccountable, and this is all a distraction
Gregory: thank you liberal Tavis Smiley
Mayer: hey Fluffers all Presidents do this - you’re just holding Obama to a higher standard
Scarborough: of course - because everyone knows that Republicans are evil
Mayer: so he’s not Gandhi
Scarborough: he promised to be Gandhi
Gregory: where's the saintly Obama were promised?
Scarborough: of course Nixon was evil he was a Republican
Senor: Rush Limbaugh is thrilled!
Smiley: this is all a distraction dammit!!
Scarborough: all America wakes up every morning listening to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh!
Gregory: where is the public option?
Scarborough: Liberals are angry at Obama for pushing a trigger
Gregory: how do you know?
Scarborough: Arianna Huffington says so
Gregory: so why don’t I just invite her on?
Scarborough: I’m so charming
Gregory: Is a Obama wishy-washy failure?
Smiley: He’s gotta lead!
Mayer: the Constitution requires 60 voters to enact legislation!
Senor: Republicans in Congress wanted to work with the President but he betrayed them with his partisan hatred
Gregory: Cheney says Obama is dithering
and killing troops
Senor: Obama is too obsessed with Cheney just because the former vice president accuses him of playing golf and letting US soldiers die
Gregory: fascinating
Senor: I don’t want to say Obama is dithering but there are all these questions out there about whether Obama loves America or wants to see men and women in uniform die
Gregory: Jane you say we’re using drones to
bomb people
Mayer: It’s the new American way to fight - killing innocent people using robots from above
Smiley: this is nonsense!
Scarborough: This proves that targeted assassinations are the way to go
Senor: we need thousands of marines!
Mayer: whoa dudes put your goddamm dicks away
Gregory: is there a fight in the Republican party?
Scarborough: yes!
Mayer: sounds bad for the GOP
Scarborough: no this is good news Republicans
- it always is
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 25, 2009
October 25, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
**************
Stephanopoulos: Mitch can Harry Reid finally kill a GOP filibuster of health care reform?
McConnell: yes his plan to kill grandchildren is working
Stephanopoulos: private insurers are killing small businesses so why not have a public option?
McConnell: [laughing] hell no the government should not be in the health insurance business
Stephanopoulos: so you want to rid of Medicare?
McConnell: [chuckling] look the American people don’t want this bill
Stephanopoulos: but the polls say that everyone in America hates you
McConnell: sure people are disaffected but we’ll see how the American people feel when some rednecks vote in Virginia
Stephanopoulos: so you really believe everything is going fine in the Republican party?
McConnell: absolutely - all the nervousness is on the Democratic side
Stephanopoulos: wow
Stephanopoulos: Claire can we fix health care or do should do what the GOP wants
McCaskill: these so-called deficit hawks should be the first to want to reform the health care system
Stephanopoulos: will people be forced to buy insurance at an insurance exchange or gun show?
McCaskill: no only Congress and the Irish will have to
Stephanopoulos: what exactly is the public option?
McCaskill: oh we’ll have only kinds of votes - opt-in, opt-out, triggers, mandatory gay abortions, human-animal hybrid baby Einsteins…
Stephanopoulos: President Snowe will only accept a public option which doesn’t exist
McCaskill: We’re very very concerned about giving President Snowe whatever she wants
Stephanopoulos: so how do you get GOP votes?
McCaskill: we need to get votes from moderates like Snowe and right-wing nuts like Evan Bayh
Stephanopoulos: ok
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: George will there be a public option?
Will: the media are cleverly trying to trick American into thinking if 60 Senators vote for something that means it will pass
Podesta: the health care costs are hurting small businesses!
Hunt: Snowe is from Maine which means she is honest
Stephanopoulos: oh
Hunt: she hates the public option and no bill without her can pass because the Democrats can’t play games and just pass a vote with 60 Democrats - that’s a terrible idea
Stephanopoulos: of course
Ingraham: the America people suddenly remembered after 30 years of GOP spending that they are worried about the debt and also the Democrats will kill their grandchildren
Tucker: Maybe Snowe can allow the public option get an up or down vote and then she can vote against it if she wants
Will: all bills should be on the Internet
Hunt: we should give liberals the trigger option to shut them up
Stephanopoulos: Should we cut executive pay to a salary of a mere $500,000
Podesta: well why not?
Will: they should get paid as low-level civil servants nothing more
Ingraham: The GOP philosophy is that people on welfare should make millions of dollars
Hunt: some say that people who destroyed America shouldn’t get rich off that - but those are just childish pitchfork populists
Tucker: the Bailout Boys had their entire industry bailed out and frankly they shouldn’t even make $500,000 for god’s sake!
Stephanopoulos: Controversy!
*************
Guests:
Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
**************
Stephanopoulos: Mitch can Harry Reid finally kill a GOP filibuster of health care reform?
McConnell: yes his plan to kill grandchildren is working
Stephanopoulos: private insurers are killing small businesses so why not have a public option?
McConnell: [laughing] hell no the government should not be in the health insurance business
Stephanopoulos: so you want to rid of Medicare?
McConnell: [chuckling] look the American people don’t want this bill
Stephanopoulos: but the polls say that everyone in America hates you
McConnell: sure people are disaffected but we’ll see how the American people feel when some rednecks vote in Virginia
Stephanopoulos: so you really believe everything is going fine in the Republican party?
McConnell: absolutely - all the nervousness is on the Democratic side
Stephanopoulos: wow
Stephanopoulos: Claire can we fix health care or do should do what the GOP wants
McCaskill: these so-called deficit hawks should be the first to want to reform the health care system
Stephanopoulos: will people be forced to buy insurance at an insurance exchange or gun show?
McCaskill: no only Congress and the Irish will have to
Stephanopoulos: what exactly is the public option?
McCaskill: oh we’ll have only kinds of votes - opt-in, opt-out, triggers, mandatory gay abortions, human-animal hybrid baby Einsteins…
Stephanopoulos: President Snowe will only accept a public option which doesn’t exist
McCaskill: We’re very very concerned about giving President Snowe whatever she wants
Stephanopoulos: so how do you get GOP votes?
McCaskill: we need to get votes from moderates like Snowe and right-wing nuts like Evan Bayh
Stephanopoulos: ok
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: George will there be a public option?
Will: the media are cleverly trying to trick American into thinking if 60 Senators vote for something that means it will pass
Podesta: the health care costs are hurting small businesses!
Hunt: Snowe is from Maine which means she is honest
Stephanopoulos: oh
Hunt: she hates the public option and no bill without her can pass because the Democrats can’t play games and just pass a vote with 60 Democrats - that’s a terrible idea
Stephanopoulos: of course
Ingraham: the America people suddenly remembered after 30 years of GOP spending that they are worried about the debt and also the Democrats will kill their grandchildren
Tucker: Maybe Snowe can allow the public option get an up or down vote and then she can vote against it if she wants
Will: all bills should be on the Internet
Hunt: we should give liberals the trigger option to shut them up
Stephanopoulos: Should we cut executive pay to a salary of a mere $500,000
Podesta: well why not?
Will: they should get paid as low-level civil servants nothing more
Ingraham: The GOP philosophy is that people on welfare should make millions of dollars
Hunt: some say that people who destroyed America shouldn’t get rich off that - but those are just childish pitchfork populists
Tucker: the Bailout Boys had their entire industry bailed out and frankly they shouldn’t even make $500,000 for god’s sake!
Stephanopoulos: Controversy!
*************
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Meet the Press - October 18, 2009
October 18, 2009
Guests:
White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett
Sen. Chris Dodd
Sen. John Kyl
Maria Shriver
John Podesta
*****************
Gregory: OMG the economy has not done well since January of 2009!!
Jarrett: that’s right - which goes to show how bad a President George Bush was
Gregory: [high pitched voice] so what is he going to do about it??
Jarrett: step one is stave off disaster, step two is move the economy from ‘craptacular’ to ‘mediocre’
Gregory: second stimulus?
Jarrett: he plans to create 40,000 more jobs next month
Gregory: how is that?
Jarrett: Invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: Obama says he’s going take on the nice insurance industry but they’re his partners - it’s so sad!
Jarrett: the message is - don’t make Obama mad!!
Gregory: but Politico says unions are really mad that Obama is going to raise taxes on the middle class
Jarrett: hey Fluffy is this was easy someone else would have done it already - but don’t stop Obama - he’s one TNT motherfucker!!
Gregory: Will he push for a public option?
Jarrett: he likes it
Gregory: but will he demand it?
Jarrett: he will ask nicely for it
Gregory: what happened to ‘yes we can’?
Jarrett: it’s now “affirmative we will try, fuckers”
Gregory: how can American get the pig flu as fast as possible
Rice: we have a whole website devoted helping get the flu
Gregory: what’s your answer
Jarrett: wash your hands, stop sneezing, and skip the ER visit - just go to Flu.gov
[ break ]
Gregory: should we have a public option?
Dodd: you’re damm right we should
Gregory: so how can it happen if Obama doesn’t push for it
Dodd: we’ll roll it out and test drive it and then argue for it
Gregory: it sounds like you’re planning for a big defeat
Dodd: I’m confident that we might be able to get someone to vote for it
Gregory: Republican Senator I’d like ask you a tough question - why is the Republican party so darn popular?
Kyl: I’m glad you asked me that tough question - it’s because we’re so wonderful
Gregory: what’s your health care plan?
Kyl: let the free market take care of sick, dying, penniless people!
Greg: how would that work?
Kyl: they could sell their organs in a reverse mortgage - dammit do I have to think of everything??
Greg: do you support a trigger option?
Kyl: hell no!
Dodd: hell no!
Gregory: finally some bipartisanship!
Gregory: hey Kyl - why doesn’t Afghanistan have to be deficit neutral?
Kyl: 9/11
Gregory: so what about people dying for lack of health insurance?
Kyl: free market
Gregory: that’s all you’ve got?
Kyl: grrrrrr
Dodd: people are dying in his state every day!
Kyl: well most of them were old anyway
Gregory: Wall Street bonuses?
Dodd: it’s an outrage!
Kyl: now we have to be very careful because we want to express our outrage and bash Obama but also not in any way limit massive unnecessary wasteful welfare bonuses for capitalist overlords
Gregory: okay then
Gregory: wow - there are girls in the workforce!
Shriver: Half of workers are women - we have to adapt to this crazy change
Jarrett: First thank you Fluffy for spotlighting this
Gregory: thanks Val
Jarrett: we need families to thrive to meet this challenge of women who work
Gregory: this is all about me, and you of course
Podesta: that’s right - the battle of the sexes is over and Billie Jean King won
Gregory: married couples are negotiating the rules of their relationship
Podesta: wow those Geico cavemen must be so confused
Shriver: It’s smart for business to support the American worker
Audience: good luck with that
Gregory: People expect women to take care of the kids, make dinner and hold down a job
Jarrett: Look at Michelle Obama - top lawyer, mother, and helped Barack become President
Gregory: what about the male ego?
Shriver: I live with Arnold so I know what you’re talking about
Gregory: I have no ego
Shriver: well that makes sense - I’ve seen your show
Podesta: 80% of men said they were happy to have women make more money and also take care of the kids and elderly parents
Gregory: fascinating
Gregory: this paper says men should be flexible because women change their minds all the time
Jarrett: that’s right - you gotta go with the flow
Shriver: the recession has hit male jobs first
Gregory: so what’s the answer?
Shriver: telecommuting
Gregory: I just had a conversation with a female executive asking her if I could phone Meet the Press in
Shriver: what did she say?
Gregory: she thought I already was
Gregory: why does school have to get out at 3:00, it’s very inconvenient
Gregory: Republicans say it’s bad that women are working
Shriver: well we need women working but also be there when their kids come home too
Gregory: when do we get a woman President?
Podesta: well Nancy Pelosi is Speaker so we will someday
Gregory: but even Hillary Clinton couldn’t do it!
Shriver: well maybe women just don’t want to put themselves through all that just to prove how awesome they are
Gregrory: [ fluffs hair ] maybe Maria
Guests:
White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett
Sen. Chris Dodd
Sen. John Kyl
Maria Shriver
John Podesta
*****************
Gregory: OMG the economy has not done well since January of 2009!!
Jarrett: that’s right - which goes to show how bad a President George Bush was
Gregory: [high pitched voice] so what is he going to do about it??
Jarrett: step one is stave off disaster, step two is move the economy from ‘craptacular’ to ‘mediocre’
Gregory: second stimulus?
Jarrett: he plans to create 40,000 more jobs next month
Gregory: how is that?
Jarrett: Invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: Obama says he’s going take on the nice insurance industry but they’re his partners - it’s so sad!
Jarrett: the message is - don’t make Obama mad!!
Gregory: but Politico says unions are really mad that Obama is going to raise taxes on the middle class
Jarrett: hey Fluffy is this was easy someone else would have done it already - but don’t stop Obama - he’s one TNT motherfucker!!
Gregory: Will he push for a public option?
Jarrett: he likes it
Gregory: but will he demand it?
Jarrett: he will ask nicely for it
Gregory: what happened to ‘yes we can’?
Jarrett: it’s now “affirmative we will try, fuckers”
Gregory: how can American get the pig flu as fast as possible
Rice: we have a whole website devoted helping get the flu
Gregory: what’s your answer
Jarrett: wash your hands, stop sneezing, and skip the ER visit - just go to Flu.gov
[ break ]
Gregory: should we have a public option?
Dodd: you’re damm right we should
Gregory: so how can it happen if Obama doesn’t push for it
Dodd: we’ll roll it out and test drive it and then argue for it
Gregory: it sounds like you’re planning for a big defeat
Dodd: I’m confident that we might be able to get someone to vote for it
Gregory: Republican Senator I’d like ask you a tough question - why is the Republican party so darn popular?
Kyl: I’m glad you asked me that tough question - it’s because we’re so wonderful
Gregory: what’s your health care plan?
Kyl: let the free market take care of sick, dying, penniless people!
Greg: how would that work?
Kyl: they could sell their organs in a reverse mortgage - dammit do I have to think of everything??
Greg: do you support a trigger option?
Kyl: hell no!
Dodd: hell no!
Gregory: finally some bipartisanship!
Gregory: hey Kyl - why doesn’t Afghanistan have to be deficit neutral?
Kyl: 9/11
Gregory: so what about people dying for lack of health insurance?
Kyl: free market
Gregory: that’s all you’ve got?
Kyl: grrrrrr
Dodd: people are dying in his state every day!
Kyl: well most of them were old anyway
Gregory: Wall Street bonuses?
Dodd: it’s an outrage!
Kyl: now we have to be very careful because we want to express our outrage and bash Obama but also not in any way limit massive unnecessary wasteful welfare bonuses for capitalist overlords
Gregory: okay then
Gregory: wow - there are girls in the workforce!
Shriver: Half of workers are women - we have to adapt to this crazy change
Jarrett: First thank you Fluffy for spotlighting this
Gregory: thanks Val
Jarrett: we need families to thrive to meet this challenge of women who work
Gregory: this is all about me, and you of course
Podesta: that’s right - the battle of the sexes is over and Billie Jean King won
Gregory: married couples are negotiating the rules of their relationship
Podesta: wow those Geico cavemen must be so confused
Shriver: It’s smart for business to support the American worker
Audience: good luck with that
Gregory: People expect women to take care of the kids, make dinner and hold down a job
Jarrett: Look at Michelle Obama - top lawyer, mother, and helped Barack become President
Gregory: what about the male ego?
Shriver: I live with Arnold so I know what you’re talking about
Gregory: I have no ego
Shriver: well that makes sense - I’ve seen your show
Podesta: 80% of men said they were happy to have women make more money and also take care of the kids and elderly parents
Gregory: fascinating
Gregory: this paper says men should be flexible because women change their minds all the time
Jarrett: that’s right - you gotta go with the flow
Shriver: the recession has hit male jobs first
Gregory: so what’s the answer?
Shriver: telecommuting
Gregory: I just had a conversation with a female executive asking her if I could phone Meet the Press in
Shriver: what did she say?
Gregory: she thought I already was
Gregory: why does school have to get out at 3:00, it’s very inconvenient
Gregory: Republicans say it’s bad that women are working
Shriver: well we need women working but also be there when their kids come home too
Gregory: when do we get a woman President?
Podesta: well Nancy Pelosi is Speaker so we will someday
Gregory: but even Hillary Clinton couldn’t do it!
Shriver: well maybe women just don’t want to put themselves through all that just to prove how awesome they are
Gregrory: [ fluffs hair ] maybe Maria
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 18, 2009
October 18, 2009
Guest:
White House Advisor David Axelrod
**************
Stephanopoulos: Axel Is it time for Obama to get tough and stick a sharpened screwdriver into John Boehner?
Axelrod: Obama is plenty tough but he’s also thoughtful
Stephanopoulos: When is he going to twist some arms and make Max Baucus cry?
Axelrod: we’ve already accomplished more than you ever did Stephy
Stephanopoulos: Is it true Obama might take away the insurance anti-trust exemption??
Axelrod: ha ha - now what were you just saying about getting tough?
Stephanopoulos: so will you take it away?
Axelrod: We’ll see what Congress does
Stephanopoulos: so will Obama sign it?
Axelrod: Let’s just this conversation didn’t just happen
Stephanopoulos: Are you paying too much attention to President Snowe?
Axelrod: I know people say that but she is our Magic Conservative
Stephanopoulos: who wins this contest - the majority of Americans or Olympia?
Axelrod: we’ll split the difference and give her whatever she wants
Stephanopoulos: Will you pay for this with a tax on Cadillacs?
Axelrod: these high-end health plans cover necessary things like erection pills but unnecessary things like abortion
Stephanopoulos: I see
Stephanopoulos: Republicans says Obama will increase the deficit
Axelrod: yeah well they also say he is a British Indonesian from Nairobi
Stephanopoulos: aha [ scribbles note ]
Axelrod: don’t worry we’ll pay for health care even if we have to take the drastic step of giving a speech saying we will
Stephanopoulos: New economic stimulus - yes or no?
Axelrod: Sure we have to do something - Bush left us a really really crappy economy
Stephanopoulos: Good god man - Goldman Sachs is paying out record bonuses and we gave them billions in free money!
Axelrod: what’s really sad is that they are not lending out the free money we gave them
Stephanopoulos: well what is President Obama going to do about it?
Axelrod: there’s nothing we can do except moral suasion
Stephanopoulos: Whining? That’s all??
Axelrod: we can’t micromanage their pay to employees
Stephanopoulos: It’s taxpayer money?!
Axelrod: [ wrings hands ]
Stephanopoulos: Are you at war with Fox News?
Axelrod: Fox what?
Stephanopoulos: that Fox station
Axelrod: they’re not a news station they’re a propaganda outfit and we’re not going treat them like a legitimate news station
Stephanopoulos: whoa
Axelrod: and real news stations like you should be glad because you’re real and they’re a bunch of paid liars
Stephanopoulos: aww you flatter me
Axelrod: you’re such a nice boy too
Stephanopoulos: Rupert Murdoch says you helped their ratings
Axelrod: I don’t care about their rantings
Stephanopoulos: I said ratings
Axelrod: those too
**********
Guest:
White House Advisor David Axelrod
**************
Stephanopoulos: Axel Is it time for Obama to get tough and stick a sharpened screwdriver into John Boehner?
Axelrod: Obama is plenty tough but he’s also thoughtful
Stephanopoulos: When is he going to twist some arms and make Max Baucus cry?
Axelrod: we’ve already accomplished more than you ever did Stephy
Stephanopoulos: Is it true Obama might take away the insurance anti-trust exemption??
Axelrod: ha ha - now what were you just saying about getting tough?
Stephanopoulos: so will you take it away?
Axelrod: We’ll see what Congress does
Stephanopoulos: so will Obama sign it?
Axelrod: Let’s just this conversation didn’t just happen
Stephanopoulos: Are you paying too much attention to President Snowe?
Axelrod: I know people say that but she is our Magic Conservative
Stephanopoulos: who wins this contest - the majority of Americans or Olympia?
Axelrod: we’ll split the difference and give her whatever she wants
Stephanopoulos: Will you pay for this with a tax on Cadillacs?
Axelrod: these high-end health plans cover necessary things like erection pills but unnecessary things like abortion
Stephanopoulos: I see
Stephanopoulos: Republicans says Obama will increase the deficit
Axelrod: yeah well they also say he is a British Indonesian from Nairobi
Stephanopoulos: aha [ scribbles note ]
Axelrod: don’t worry we’ll pay for health care even if we have to take the drastic step of giving a speech saying we will
Stephanopoulos: New economic stimulus - yes or no?
Axelrod: Sure we have to do something - Bush left us a really really crappy economy
Stephanopoulos: Good god man - Goldman Sachs is paying out record bonuses and we gave them billions in free money!
Axelrod: what’s really sad is that they are not lending out the free money we gave them
Stephanopoulos: well what is President Obama going to do about it?
Axelrod: there’s nothing we can do except moral suasion
Stephanopoulos: Whining? That’s all??
Axelrod: we can’t micromanage their pay to employees
Stephanopoulos: It’s taxpayer money?!
Axelrod: [ wrings hands ]
Stephanopoulos: Are you at war with Fox News?
Axelrod: Fox what?
Stephanopoulos: that Fox station
Axelrod: they’re not a news station they’re a propaganda outfit and we’re not going treat them like a legitimate news station
Stephanopoulos: whoa
Axelrod: and real news stations like you should be glad because you’re real and they’re a bunch of paid liars
Stephanopoulos: aww you flatter me
Axelrod: you’re such a nice boy too
Stephanopoulos: Rupert Murdoch says you helped their ratings
Axelrod: I don’t care about their rantings
Stephanopoulos: I said ratings
Axelrod: those too
**********
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Meet the Press - October 11, 2009
October 11, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Levin
Sen. Graham
Ret. Gen. Myers
Ret. Gen. McCaffrey
************************
Gregory: Carl shouldn’t we all just do what
President McChrystal wants?
Levin: no because Obama is the President and Gates is the Secretary of Defense and the global strategy is more important the counterinsurgency
in any one country
Gregory: should we send more troops?
Levin: we should send them more equipment like guns and mimeograph machines
Graham: What do you think Lindy?
Graham: I love the General and we should send
40,000 more troops
Gregory: but there are only 100 al qaeda in all
of Afghanistan
Myers: it’s simple - we have to combat all violent extremism and religious fanaticism all over the world
Gregory: Christ you’re going to have take on half
the Republican party
Myers: also we have to invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: yikes
McCaffrey: we have to withdraw from Afghanistan and the best way to do that is a massive buildup
of troops
Myers: we could persuade the rest of the world
to take over
Gregory: Awesome idea
Levin: Hell let the Afghans take over
Graham: we could send one million troops and
it will still fail with a bad local government
Gregory: so why the fuck do you want to send 40,000 more troops?
Graham: so we can reopen Afghan soccer stadiums
Gregory: Is Obama weak?
Graham: if he only puts us halfway in - that will
be weak
Gregory: Like George Bush did?
Graham: the Iranians are watching us for signs of weakness - they are terrified we won’t get into a quagmire there
Gregory: General what went wrong in Afghanistan?
Myers: we emphasized military action and not
social and economic development
Gregory: so in other words too much Republican policies?
Myers: we took our eye off the ball and let the Taliban take over
Gregory: it sounds like you totally fucked up
Myers: well we didn’t think so at the time
- we thought we were gods among men
creating our own reality
Gregory: what made you think that?
Myers: Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and
got him to apologize
McCaffrey: Let’s face it - Bush handed Obama one completely fucked-up situation
Levin: we have to win over the Afghan people by not murdering so many of their children
Gregory: interesting
Graham: somehow we all got focused on Iraq
Gregory: Cause Bush was obsessed with it!
Graham: Unfortunately it turns out Bush is kind
of dumb and at least Obama is a smart guy
Gregory: we’ve been there for eight fucking years
Graham: it’s a multi-generational struggle
Gregory: that’s disturbing
Graham: in the next three years we may have a trustworthy Afghan government
Myers: also we have to fix the Afghan economy
Gregory: we can’t even fix the Detroit economy!
McCaffrey: I think in 10 years we can create sparkling Afghan universities
Gregory: should we end ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’?
Levin: of course we should
Myers: what’s wrong with suppressing your sexuality - I like to wear a pink thong in combat
but you don’t hear me talking about it
Graham: you don’t make policy based on promises made in a campaign
Gregory: did Obama deserve the Nobel prize?
Graham: if Obama kills enough people I will visit him in the Lincoln bedroom one night and show him
how grateful I am
Gregory: ok I think we’ve gone into a weird area
[ break]
Gregory: Should Obama invade Afghanistan?
Woodward: Obama is on a listening tour and then he has to decide what the fuck we are doing in that remote desert nation
Gregory: but at least he’s thinking about it
Woodward: right - Bush never listened - just played with his gameboy while Cheney used the Force
to choke his underlings
Gregory: Let me quote Charles Krauthammer
Gigot: Chuck is right - Obama could do the right thing or listen to the hippies who think they’re so smart just because they are right about everything
Brownstein: yeah but we were going to crush al qaeda and we’ve done it
Gregory: what the hell are we doing there?
Kay: so what if the Taliban took over some of the remote mountainous regions of that county - does that mean they would invade Pakistan??
Gregory: where were all these nation-building Republicans in the last 8 years??
Woodward: now that Obama is President they can admit everything there is completely fucked-up
Brownstein: most Americans think Afghanistan is a necessary war they just don’t care and want us
to leave
Gregory: Let me quote Ruth Marcus saying Obama getting a Nobel is ridiculous
Gigot: the Republicans will ride this to victory
in 2010!!
Woodward: let’s face it - this was an unfair reward based on their hatred for George Bush
Gregory: Let me quote Peggy Noonan
Kay: I heard you were a hack and a moron
Brownstein: the Nobel committee doesn’t know
how to give out their own awards!
Gregory: right - they should have ceremonies where they dance with Karl Rove!
Brownstein: Obama needs to be sensitive to criticism that he is too popular
Kay: you’re all idiots
Woodward: Obama should take his shiny new
Nobel prize and use it to force Germany to take over Afghanistan
Gigot: I disagree Americans have to kick everyone out and take over this crazy-ass central Asian county
Gregory: what about the American economy?
Brownstein: we’re all in a bad national mood
Woodward: any breach between Obama and the military will prevent second stimulus
Gregory: makes sense
Gigot: failure of the health care bill is hurting business and preventing job creation
Gregory: so no jobs until health care is passed?
Gigot: right - so the GOP should filibuster it
Gregory: so this is all good news for the Republicans
Kay: if the economy recovers by the summer
of 2010 the Democrats may do very well
Gregory: oh no!
[ starts sobbing ]
Kay: Calm down Fluffy
*********************
Guests:
Sen. Levin
Sen. Graham
Ret. Gen. Myers
Ret. Gen. McCaffrey
************************
Gregory: Carl shouldn’t we all just do what
President McChrystal wants?
Levin: no because Obama is the President and Gates is the Secretary of Defense and the global strategy is more important the counterinsurgency
in any one country
Gregory: should we send more troops?
Levin: we should send them more equipment like guns and mimeograph machines
Graham: What do you think Lindy?
Graham: I love the General and we should send
40,000 more troops
Gregory: but there are only 100 al qaeda in all
of Afghanistan
Myers: it’s simple - we have to combat all violent extremism and religious fanaticism all over the world
Gregory: Christ you’re going to have take on half
the Republican party
Myers: also we have to invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: yikes
McCaffrey: we have to withdraw from Afghanistan and the best way to do that is a massive buildup
of troops
Myers: we could persuade the rest of the world
to take over
Gregory: Awesome idea
Levin: Hell let the Afghans take over
Graham: we could send one million troops and
it will still fail with a bad local government
Gregory: so why the fuck do you want to send 40,000 more troops?
Graham: so we can reopen Afghan soccer stadiums
Gregory: Is Obama weak?
Graham: if he only puts us halfway in - that will
be weak
Gregory: Like George Bush did?
Graham: the Iranians are watching us for signs of weakness - they are terrified we won’t get into a quagmire there
Gregory: General what went wrong in Afghanistan?
Myers: we emphasized military action and not
social and economic development
Gregory: so in other words too much Republican policies?
Myers: we took our eye off the ball and let the Taliban take over
Gregory: it sounds like you totally fucked up
Myers: well we didn’t think so at the time
- we thought we were gods among men
creating our own reality
Gregory: what made you think that?
Myers: Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and
got him to apologize
McCaffrey: Let’s face it - Bush handed Obama one completely fucked-up situation
Levin: we have to win over the Afghan people by not murdering so many of their children
Gregory: interesting
Graham: somehow we all got focused on Iraq
Gregory: Cause Bush was obsessed with it!
Graham: Unfortunately it turns out Bush is kind
of dumb and at least Obama is a smart guy
Gregory: we’ve been there for eight fucking years
Graham: it’s a multi-generational struggle
Gregory: that’s disturbing
Graham: in the next three years we may have a trustworthy Afghan government
Myers: also we have to fix the Afghan economy
Gregory: we can’t even fix the Detroit economy!
McCaffrey: I think in 10 years we can create sparkling Afghan universities
Gregory: should we end ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’?
Levin: of course we should
Myers: what’s wrong with suppressing your sexuality - I like to wear a pink thong in combat
but you don’t hear me talking about it
Graham: you don’t make policy based on promises made in a campaign
Gregory: did Obama deserve the Nobel prize?
Graham: if Obama kills enough people I will visit him in the Lincoln bedroom one night and show him
how grateful I am
Gregory: ok I think we’ve gone into a weird area
[ break]
Gregory: Should Obama invade Afghanistan?
Woodward: Obama is on a listening tour and then he has to decide what the fuck we are doing in that remote desert nation
Gregory: but at least he’s thinking about it
Woodward: right - Bush never listened - just played with his gameboy while Cheney used the Force
to choke his underlings
Gregory: Let me quote Charles Krauthammer
Gigot: Chuck is right - Obama could do the right thing or listen to the hippies who think they’re so smart just because they are right about everything
Brownstein: yeah but we were going to crush al qaeda and we’ve done it
Gregory: what the hell are we doing there?
Kay: so what if the Taliban took over some of the remote mountainous regions of that county - does that mean they would invade Pakistan??
Gregory: where were all these nation-building Republicans in the last 8 years??
Woodward: now that Obama is President they can admit everything there is completely fucked-up
Brownstein: most Americans think Afghanistan is a necessary war they just don’t care and want us
to leave
Gregory: Let me quote Ruth Marcus saying Obama getting a Nobel is ridiculous
Gigot: the Republicans will ride this to victory
in 2010!!
Woodward: let’s face it - this was an unfair reward based on their hatred for George Bush
Gregory: Let me quote Peggy Noonan
Kay: I heard you were a hack and a moron
Brownstein: the Nobel committee doesn’t know
how to give out their own awards!
Gregory: right - they should have ceremonies where they dance with Karl Rove!
Brownstein: Obama needs to be sensitive to criticism that he is too popular
Kay: you’re all idiots
Woodward: Obama should take his shiny new
Nobel prize and use it to force Germany to take over Afghanistan
Gigot: I disagree Americans have to kick everyone out and take over this crazy-ass central Asian county
Gregory: what about the American economy?
Brownstein: we’re all in a bad national mood
Woodward: any breach between Obama and the military will prevent second stimulus
Gregory: makes sense
Gigot: failure of the health care bill is hurting business and preventing job creation
Gregory: so no jobs until health care is passed?
Gigot: right - so the GOP should filibuster it
Gregory: so this is all good news for the Republicans
Kay: if the economy recovers by the summer
of 2010 the Democrats may do very well
Gregory: oh no!
[ starts sobbing ]
Kay: Calm down Fluffy
*********************
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 11, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Feinstein
Sen. Chambliss
Rep. McGovern
Ret. Gen. Keane
**************
Stephanopoulos: Diane what’s going on
in Afghanistan?
Feinstein: Violence is up 100% and the Taliban controls half the country
Stephanopoulos: sounds terrific
Feinstein: the whole mission is in jeopardy
Stephanopoulos: I’ll take "Hopeless Quagmires"
for $1,000, Alex
Feinstein: we should stop killing civilians from above
Stephanopoulos: that’s just crazy enough to work
Chambliss: the government is hopelessly corrupt and no one wants us there - so we should greatly increase our military presence
Keane: eventually the Afghan military should
take over
Stephanopoulos: good idea - when can we do that?
Keane: 2013
Stephanopoulos: why so long?
Keane: we’re pregnant with a colony and we have
to give birth or have an abortion
McGovern: I’m told there are only 100 members
of al qaeda in Afghanistan - for this we need 100,000 new troops??
Feinstein: that depends on what the meaning of
al qaeda is
Stephanopoulos: so why stay?
Feinstein: women are begging in the streets and being beaten and we need to stabilize this country
Stephanopoulos: we’ll get to domestic policy
in a minute
Feinstein: we must respect McChrystal - after all he came from a Crackerjack box
Chambliss: If Afghanistan falls then Pakistan will
be invaded or encroached upon bad guys
Stephanopoulos: you read a lot of comic
books do you?
Chambliss: Afghanistan will attack Pakistan!
Stephanopoulos: What will General Obama do if President McChrystal opposes him?
Keane: I don’t know but it’s a moral dilemma
Stephanopoulos: He should resign - after all the President is a young black man with no medals
McGovern: jeebus we’ve been there for 8 years and we’re propping up a corrupt unelected government
Stephanopoulos: is that right Saxby?
Chambliss: Oh absolutely - which is why we have to stay - otherwise Osama bin Laden will get access to Pakistan’s nuclear weapons
Stephanopoulos: truly it is amazing Bush didn’t
win the Nobel peace prize
Chambliss: the literacy rate there is only 20% and that doesn’t work
Stephanopoulos: we’ll discuss your home state later Senator
Feinstein: we should totally get the rest of the
world to pay for the Afghan war
Stephanopoulos: good luck with that
Keane: there’s an elephant in the room in Pakistan
Stephanopoulos: that the Pakistan government has been supporting the Taliban all this time?
Keane: no it’s an actual elephant - it sits there during Cabinet meetings
Stephanopoulos: what should Obama consider when making his Afghan decision?
Chambliss: the stability of our troops and giving them what they need to stay in a far-off land in Asia
McGovern: we need to be smarter and not just maintain a useless and expensive world-wide empire
Keane: Obama has a chance to fix Bush’s fuck ups and be decisive and think about later
Feinstein: we should leave as soon as we stay and create a functioning democracy and also they must have a Disneyland
Stephanopoulos: so we have to leave a government as functional as the state of California?
Feinstein: no that would be a war crime
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming
******************
Sen. Feinstein
Sen. Chambliss
Rep. McGovern
Ret. Gen. Keane
**************
Stephanopoulos: Diane what’s going on
in Afghanistan?
Feinstein: Violence is up 100% and the Taliban controls half the country
Stephanopoulos: sounds terrific
Feinstein: the whole mission is in jeopardy
Stephanopoulos: I’ll take "Hopeless Quagmires"
for $1,000, Alex
Feinstein: we should stop killing civilians from above
Stephanopoulos: that’s just crazy enough to work
Chambliss: the government is hopelessly corrupt and no one wants us there - so we should greatly increase our military presence
Keane: eventually the Afghan military should
take over
Stephanopoulos: good idea - when can we do that?
Keane: 2013
Stephanopoulos: why so long?
Keane: we’re pregnant with a colony and we have
to give birth or have an abortion
McGovern: I’m told there are only 100 members
of al qaeda in Afghanistan - for this we need 100,000 new troops??
Feinstein: that depends on what the meaning of
al qaeda is
Stephanopoulos: so why stay?
Feinstein: women are begging in the streets and being beaten and we need to stabilize this country
Stephanopoulos: we’ll get to domestic policy
in a minute
Feinstein: we must respect McChrystal - after all he came from a Crackerjack box
Chambliss: If Afghanistan falls then Pakistan will
be invaded or encroached upon bad guys
Stephanopoulos: you read a lot of comic
books do you?
Chambliss: Afghanistan will attack Pakistan!
Stephanopoulos: What will General Obama do if President McChrystal opposes him?
Keane: I don’t know but it’s a moral dilemma
Stephanopoulos: He should resign - after all the President is a young black man with no medals
McGovern: jeebus we’ve been there for 8 years and we’re propping up a corrupt unelected government
Stephanopoulos: is that right Saxby?
Chambliss: Oh absolutely - which is why we have to stay - otherwise Osama bin Laden will get access to Pakistan’s nuclear weapons
Stephanopoulos: truly it is amazing Bush didn’t
win the Nobel peace prize
Chambliss: the literacy rate there is only 20% and that doesn’t work
Stephanopoulos: we’ll discuss your home state later Senator
Feinstein: we should totally get the rest of the
world to pay for the Afghan war
Stephanopoulos: good luck with that
Keane: there’s an elephant in the room in Pakistan
Stephanopoulos: that the Pakistan government has been supporting the Taliban all this time?
Keane: no it’s an actual elephant - it sits there during Cabinet meetings
Stephanopoulos: what should Obama consider when making his Afghan decision?
Chambliss: the stability of our troops and giving them what they need to stay in a far-off land in Asia
McGovern: we need to be smarter and not just maintain a useless and expensive world-wide empire
Keane: Obama has a chance to fix Bush’s fuck ups and be decisive and think about later
Feinstein: we should leave as soon as we stay and create a functioning democracy and also they must have a Disneyland
Stephanopoulos: so we have to leave a government as functional as the state of California?
Feinstein: no that would be a war crime
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming
******************
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