Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Obama TV Ad - October 29, 2008

The Obama TV Ad
October 29, 2008

Waves of wheat
waves of hands
lots of white people

Obama: hi i'm barack obama and i;d like to be your black friend

now i know you're thinking, i aleady have a black friend, that guy down the street who i saw once in k-mart

but you're thinking do as i need as my new black friend this good looking guy in a slightly oval office?

Well, i'm here to tell you that i am in fact black, but a lot of white people like me, and i'm hoping you will too

white lady: hi, I had to put off an operation to make ends meet - and barack obama is going to be my new black friend

Obama: see that wasn't so hard

Obama in Colorado: small businesses are ok and btw i'm not a socialist

audience: hmmmmmm

Obama: a few weeks ago we found out what we suspected - that George Bush has nearly destroyed America

audience: well there is that

Obama: but i want to cut taxes for american business, grow the economy and keep people in their homes

tv audience: where's his koran and dashiki??

Pensioner: i wuz robbed

Obama: that sucks

McCain: commie!!!!

audience: he IS good looking

Sibelius: he's basically a white boy from kansas

Deval P: if i was any less scary i'd be pat boone

Hard Working black guy: i am a hard working black guy

Guys wife: i was sick and he had to go back to work

Bush: uniquely amerkin!

McCain: lazy fuckers

Obama: i love me some entepeneurs like Mortimer the Solar Panel Maker

Google CEO: he's MAH black frend!

Obama: fuck the CEOs!

Google: hey!

Obama: sorry dood

Teacher: peopel in this school are really struggling

McCain: only 12 houses so sad

Obama: the government cannot turn off the tv set

audience: we loves tv

Obama: i was raised by white people if that helps any

White Audience: so were we

Obama: i will recruit an army of zombie robots to teach our children

audience: yay

Obama: i'm will fight for college tuition in exchange for serving you county

McCain: no one gave me school for service

Obama: yes they did

McCain: oh right

Obama: my momma died fighting the insurance companies

Michelle: he reads harry potter to the kids and does all the voices too

audience: * sniff *

Durbin: we were all blown away

Claire McCaiskill: he purified DC

Biden: i turned to Dick Lugar and said whoa where did the eloquent black guy come from

Obama: its hard dwelling with mere mortal men

Obama: remember during ozzie and harriet and leave it to beaver after WWII America sat on top of the world

audience: good times

Obama: well forget it white people

audience: oh noes

Obama: my white grandfather fought with Patton

McCain: terroris-- aw fuck it

Obama: i will not be a perfect president but let's face i couldn't be any worse than Stupid


OBAMA: in 6 days we can choose to reward work, invest in health care, energy, college or Senator Psycho and his Loony Sidekick from the Arctic

Obama: i will catch Osama but I also will not just send troops willy nilly

McCain: bomb bommb bomb iraq

Liebeman: you mean iran

McCain: whatever

Obama: this is for the coal miners and factory workers

Edwards: damm he's good

Hillary: dammit he's really good

Richardson: he's teh awesome

Obama: people i am asking you to fight with and vote for me and work for me and change this country and change the world


Audience: Swoon

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Meet The Press with Colin Powell - October 19 2008

October 19, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guest: Colin Powell

Brokaw: America and the whole world are facing a nightmare of crises like we have never had before

Powell: yes it's almost as bad as disco

Brokaw: indeed

Powell: we've got that crazy economy, wars all over the place, and we got to reach out to our friends like Pakistan and our enemies like Spain

Brokaw: daunting challenges!

Powell: we need an articulate guy

Brokaw: a novel idea

Powell: there's going to be a crisis on January 21st 2009

Brokaw: what is it!?

Powell: i can't tell you

Brokaw: wow!

Powell: we need a president that calms people down and that people like and trust

Brokaw: i smell an endorsement coming!!!

Powell: we need leadership with greening, energy, poverty, for needy people

Brokaw: you hate America, don't you?

Powell: I will endorse someone smart, ready, well-informed, patriotic, with good ideas-

Brokaw: spill the beans handsome

Powell: Ok - i know and like John McCain and I've met Barack Obama and I admire John McCain although the GOP is increasingly evil...

Brokaw: out with it buddy

Powell: okay i've given a test to them both and McCain has been ranting like a crazy person - he's an erratic possibly insane loony and frankly a jerk

Brokaw: but but but.....

Powell: Sarah Palin - i wouldn't hire to walk my dog without fucking it up

Brokaw: none of us would General - hell she shoots wolves

Powell: turns out Obama on the other hand is smart, inclusive, hopeful, reaching out, not dividing America

Brokaw: well there is that

Powell: then you have McCain, running a hateful, racist, evil, divisive, mean, nasty, dishonest, pathetic, shitty campaign

Brokaw: hey whatever works smoothie

Powell: Let's face it I didn't leave the GOP - the GOP left Planet Earth

Brokaw: but Obama might be a muslim

Powell: So what? So what if he were? How come no one ever says it's fucking racist and wrong to say a President can't be a Muslim???

Brokaw: they’re swarthy?

Powell: a 14 year old kid joined the army and died a hero under the Crescent and Star

Brokaw: maybe we can harness their fanaticism for our own ends

Powell: Obama is who we need NOW

Brokaw: but he has no experience!

Powell: he is a brilliant man, a snappy dresser, and a transformational figure, and a campaign genius

Brokaw: well you would say that - you are black

Powell: his race might help with the rest of the world

Brokaw: the world! Pheh!

Brokaw: will you beg Obama to please stay in Iraq?

Powell: hey if they Iraqis want us to leave we should leave

Brokaw: but it's been such a fun war to cover

Powell: Get over it Tom

Brokaw: Let's talk about William Ayers

Powell: [ smacks Brokaw ]

Brokaw: ow!

Powell: [ rolls eyes ]

Brokaw: Ayers is worst person in human history

Powell: i don't truck with no motherfuckin’ Weathermen and neither does Mister Obama

Brokaw: Lessons from Iraq?

Powell: Look I tried diplomacy but Bush was stupid and he was the President - in my defense the CIA lied to me

Brokaw: uh huh

Powell: Let's not argue about who lied about what - the real mistake was not killing more

Brokaw: true

Powell: we goofed - it's happens

Brokaw: Who care what you think then

Powell: Do you how many white people consider me their Black Friend?

Brokaw: no

Powell: Millions

Brokaw: You said Bush would be moderate and optimistic

Powell: Yes look at Liberia

Brokaw: [ head explodes ]

Powell: Tom your brains are all over my suit

Brokaw: sorry about that general

Powell: The Bush administration had a decent 5 minutes from 12:06 to 12:11 pm on Jan. 21 2001

Brokaw: Good times

Brokaw: Apologize to McCain!

Powell: We need a man younger than 100 years, a smart man, and reasonable man, a clever man, a sane man, a non-psycho-

Brokaw: okay you've made your point

Brokaw: you're black - do you think americans are racist?

Powell: yes

Brokaw: you're black - would you be Ambassador to Africa?

Powell: that's a continent Tom

Brokaw: Whatever

[ break ]

Brokaw: C-Todd gimme the polls

Todd: Ohio is an unmoved tie - but Obama has Wisconsin

Brokaw: hoh mai

Todd: Obama getting close in West Virginia

Brokaw: oh my gowd why

Todd: The economy - otherwise it's baffling

Brokaw: indeed

Todd: Obama's winning in Charlotte cause of banking and in Montana and the United States of Brokejaw

Tom: warble

Brokaw: can McCain win?

Todd: yes - if he can wheel people age 75 to 100 to the polls

Brokaw: can terry schiavo vote?

Todd: yes but she has endorsed Obama

Brokaw: Colin Powell - wow!

Scar: Obama is cheating by being right about everything

Tom: Florida?

Scar: Powell will help - he's a respected military dude

Brook: the Republican party left me and went into Ga Ga Land

Mitchell: I'm very worried about this - the GOP has become a hate filled looney party - a problem with centrist Republicans

Brokaw: both of them!?

Parson Meachem: this is like a Seal of Approval from Morgan Freeman playing God

Brokaw: how so?

Meachem: he's a stand alone brand he stands for 'Military Uprightness'

Brokaw: is that it?

Meachem: Understand that Powell has been America's Magic Negro for over a decade and a half

Scar: I want to warn the Obama campaign to focus on the states you must win - McCain closes strongly - forget N. Carolina and just take Florida and win this thing

Brokaw: what the fuck is wrong with John McCain Brooksie - what's his raisin detter?

Brooks: They made a decision not to run a likeable moderate maverick candidate and decided to run a hate-filled divisive mean campaign

Scar: now wait just a second - we all laugh at Sarah Palin now - but McCain will lose by less than he was in July

McCain: i hate President Bush!!!!

Crowd: Booooo Buuuuuuushhh!!!!

Obama: Buuuuuuuullshiiiit!!!

Mitchell: the fact is Obama is running a very sad nasty ad campign - on national television

Brokaw: what sleazy thing are they doing?

Mitchell: running a video of McCain talking in his own words

Brokaw: that's below the belt

Brokaw: this is not fair

Mitchell: indeed Obama is cheating by being popular

Tom: John Lewis said a mean thing

Parson Meachem: John Lewis is literally a Saint - They call him Bleeding Gums John

Brokaw: he gave his life for the cause of gingivitis

Meachem: McCain was likeable this week because he has conceded the election in his mind

Brokaw: Obama is going to win big with a Democratic Congress

Scar: this is a Republican country

Brokaw: it's bad news for liberals

Brooks: why have the liberals given us a huge debt and big spending!!!???

Brokaw: indeed those fucking liberals I already hate the failed Obama administration


The Chris Matthews Show - October 19, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show - October 19, 2008
October 19, 2008


Chris: Is Obama inevitable?

Whitaker: we've made progress in America - but not that much

Kay: some people say that Obama lacks character and may be a terrorist

Chris: hell Katty - even karl rove thinks McCain is doomed

Parker: Swing voters are a strange breed - no one knows what they will do

Sullivan: the ground game won it for the Republicans in 2004 but this time the Obama campaign has the best we've ever seen

Kay: Obama is doomed

Chris: Obama can't win big states

Whitaker: Obama is relying on young people and black people - so it's all up in the air

Parker: the kids today with the Fish concerts!

Chris: are the GOP motivated?

Sullivan: moderates Republicans are motivated -- to vote for Obama!!

Chris: who won the week?

Panel: Obama for the fifth week in a row

Kay: those fucking debates!

Whitaker: cindy was at the debate with her jewish friend and her gay friend - Joe Lieberman and Linsday Graham

Chris: how can McCain win?

Kay: Robocalls calling Obama a Zulu warrior

Chris: wow!!

Kay: McCain doesn't like to do this

Parker: Obama has no experience being a lying fuck-up

Sullivan: if McCain keeps this up everyone in American will hate him

Chris: the only funny Republican in America Chris Buckley likes Obama so of course he fled the National Review

Parker: i am a conservative but Sarah Palin is a fucking idiot

Chris: so of course they smeared you

Parker: being qualified is considered elitist

Sullivan: joe the plumber gives more press conferences than her!

Chris: i like him!

Sullivan: The GOP is now full of radicals with expansive big government and spending and debt and aggressive foreign policy -- not like sweet cuddly small government tingly guys like Ronald Reagan

Kay: anyone smart is dismissed in the GOP as a hoity-toity elitist with their fancy clean scapels and snobby lighter than air aeroplanes

Kay: The Smearing of Obama is amazing - Sacramento GOP saying Obama should be waterboarded

Whitaker: Come Now the Election Lawyers -- Dems have 5,000 ready

Parker: Dems believe in a Surge - in Florida!!

Sully, 5th Columnist: The GOP will blame Obama's win on suspicious lying communist black people

Chris: why did Obama lose to Hillary in the debates and not McCain

Kay: she got under his skin

Parker: she's smarter than McCain

Whitaker: Obama knew he could needle McCain because the guys is a hothead - and he did

Sullivan: Obama is boring and that's what America wants now

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Presidential Debate - October 15, 2008

Presidential Debate
Hofstra University
Sen. Barack Obama
Sen. John McCain
Host: Robert Schieffer
October 16, 2008
Schieffer: please applaud for the final debate of this tortuous campaign!!

Audience: yaaaaaaaay!!!!

Schieffer: First question - McCain you want to cut taxes for rich white people while you Obama want to give all the money to liberals and blacks

McCain: thanks to Hofstra and hi Barack

{ refuses to look }

People are very very very angry like me I am also very very angry

Obama: [ whistles ]

McCain: the cause of this crisis was Fannie Mae and Freddie giving money to poor people - now let's go out and buy all the irresponsible people a free house

Obama: yeah thanks to Hofstra and Wayne Chrebet and nice to see you John

McCain: [ looks away ]

Obama: my plan has three prongs - one lets get lots of jobs, two let people dip into IRAs; three, stop John McCain from giving a trillion dollars to the banks

McCain: Barack Obama met Joe the Plumber the other day and he found out that he was going make $250,000 a year when Obama is President and he got very depressed doggone it and I won't stand for some darkie coming along taking money from Joe the Plumber or the Rosie the Riveter or Mack the Knife

Obama: you forgot Exxon the Bird Killer or Halliburton the Murderer or WalMart the Sweat Shopper

McCain: why do Democrats always love taxes let's not have any taxes

Obama: you have to pay for the stuff you want

McCain: [throws self on the floor, cries, pounds fists ]

no no no no no no no no no

Schieffer: what about the deficits??

Obama: i will go through the budget line by line and highlight the really racy parts

Bob: oooooh

Obama: we should cure cancer and invent cold fusion that would be really good

McCain: speaking of home ownership obviously we should artificially prop up home prices-

Bob: what would you cut?

McCain: Tide, solar, wind

Bob: are you mental?

McCain: we owe China! I will eliminate programs like the one in that movie the Dave! I know how to save billions!

Bob: name something

McCain: I would eliminate tarriffs on sugar

Schieffer: name an expense you twit

McCain: Overhead Projectors

Obama: you *are* an Overhead Projector

Schieffer: can you balance the budget

McCain: hey i'm not President Bush for one thing I'm older and even weirder

Obama: you voted for all of Bush's budgets

McCain: he voted for the energy bill! Racists for America voted for me!

Obama: hey dude you have been a supporter of President Bush and every one knows it

McCain: i fought the Republican party and have the scars to prove - heck i opposed the war in Iraq!! hell I could go on all night on bad ideas the Republicans have had!

Schieffer: McCain is senile and Obama is a terrorist - say it to his face! Go!

McCain: if Obama had agreed to my town hall meetings I would not have called him a terrorist - but clearly the worst thing was what John Lewis said - also Obama is an untrustworthy liar

Obama: John 100% of your ads have been negative - but John unemployed americans are not interested you poor widdle hurt feelings

McCain: whaaaaaaaaaaaa

Obama: John the notion that you had to smear me because I wouldn't agree to Town Hall meetings is fucking stupid

McCain: you misportray me with so so so much money so of course people in my crowds shout out "kill him" what the hell do you expect!?

Obama: people at John's rallies are shouting "Kill him"

McCain: [ laughs maniacally ]

Obama: the american people have a choice - the hateful lunatic or me

McCain: How dare you attack veterans and patriotic people and I'm not going to stand for it!

Schieffer: are you going to let him say that Barack?

Obama: oh for god's sake I don't think McCain is a bad person

McCain: we need to know the full extent of his full relationship with Bill Ayers the Famous Terrorist and ACORN which is destroying the very fabric of America

Obama: [ laughs ]

Obama: you mean Bill Ayers the friend to Ronald Reagan, or ACORN the group that registers people???

McCain: he's BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obama: i have lots of white friends like Paul Volcker and Warren Buffet and Jim Jones

Schieffer: [ drinks kool aid ]

McCain: we just need to know all the facts of his terror leanings and my campaign is about jobs and economics and I won't raise taxes

Obama: [ kicks McCain under the table ]

Schieffer: Your Vice Presidents - defend them!

Obama: Biden is brilliant and he was born a poor white child

McCain: I have fought against the Old White Boy network and Palin understands that autism is on the rise

Obama: if we have an across the board spending freeze john we can't help autistic kids

McCain: Biden is not qualified - why he did want to invade Iraq or Kuwait and frankly i know this will shock you but he is a white man - why do we always have to have white men - why not a change for once???

Schieffer: energy?

McCain: i will take white oil but not the brown people's oil

Obama: uh huh

McCain: hybrid clean coal wind solar

Obama: hmmm

McCain: you don't tell a country you're going to renegotiate a treaty for god's sake they might sell oil to china!

Obama: nice to see the Republicans jump on yet another liberal bandwagon

[ Jimmy Carter, watching at home]


[ throws beer can at tv ]

Obama: hell yeah I will renegotiate NAFTA

McCain: we have to drill now right now!!

Obama: idiot

McCain: he opposes free trade with Columbia - for god's sake where are you we going to get cocaine in the coming Depression???

Obama: oh i understand it very well john - unsurprisingly Bush's agreement tramples on worker's rights but the point is we need to a President who does not have his head jammed firmly up his ass

McCain: let me smear Obama one more time and Obama wants to hang out with terrorists like Hugo Chavez

Obama: yeah that's me

McCain: Obama wants to raise taxes and force people to marry gay terrorists arab muslims - just like Herbert Hoover

Schieffer: health insurance

Obama: we will lower costs across the nation and put everyone in giant pool that is cheap - and when elderly Senators start to die it will be even cheaper

McCain: oh i do feel for people who don't have insurance so so so sad -- so my solution is putting health care records online, fewer fat kids, force employers to make their employers thin

Schieffer: that's it?

McCain: we should cut capital gains taxes and offer tax credits and what will your fine for Joe the Plumber ???

Obama: Zero

McCain: [ squeaky voice ] zero??

Obama: ZERO motherfucker!

McCain: erp

Obama: hey maybe Joe doesn't have health insurance i will help you get it - now let's talk about John McCain's plan

McCain: yay!

Obama: for god's sake he's going to destroy the employer based health care system - he's going to tax your health care benefits - PLUS insurance costs $12,000

McCain: spread the wealth! Joe you're rich! Congrats! But what about your family, your children, and your employees

Obama: you forgot slaves

McCain: them too

McCain: Look the Senator Government wants to Jew the Dog

Schieffer: what?

Obama: don't worry he's rolling

Schieffer: Barry?

Obama: the motherfucking US Chamber of Commerce supports my plan fucker

Schieffer: Rove Wade

McCain: look i don't care but i had a little club of 14 and we invited Barack Obama to join and that little uppity bastard said no

Bob: who would you nominate?

McCain: a smart Frenchman

Obama: good people can disagree on this issue

McCain: that leaves you out terrorist

Obama: the Constitution has a right to privacy and you don' put those out to a popular vote

McCain: fuck the constitution who let this negro on the stage with me anyway

Obama: here's an example the court agreed that women are discriminated against and the court said sorry too late

McCain: fucking trial lawyers always talking about the law in courts and trials

McCain: he voted present and with the pro abortion movement to kill little living babies

Obama: if John McCain is beginning to sound like an erratic crazy man -- it's because he is

McCain: baby killer!!!

Obama: take your pro abortion rhetoric and stuff it

McCain: health! You prove anything with health!!

Schieffer: education?

Obama: i want American kids to learn - so I support college money in exchange for service -- also speaking of Bill Cosby we need parents to help kids

Bob: sounds good but you are black

Obama: I can't wait to hear how tax cuts for Joe the Plumber will lead to small government and little dead babies

McCain: I am pro choice when it comes to education - the answer as always is Darwinian competion and charter schools and also blame the teachers

Bob: like who

McCain: forget certification - we need to put troops who recently were shooting people into our public schools

Bob: fuck yeah!

Obama: hey i doubled the number of charter schools - but it has to be paid for

McCain: Vouchers! and Cindy and your wife got choose! That was vouchers!

[ looks at Obama ]

[ stares intently at Obama ]

McCain: throwing money at problems that aren't investment banks isn't the answer!

Obama: the DC school system is bad that's true

McCain: vouchers!!

Obama: oh did he forget to mention that his plan leaves out 49 states?

McCain: [ laughs maniacally ]

Bob: final statements!

McCain: my friends we need to oppose the white old boy network and i have an impressive boring record of grandstanding and i will continue to say stupid crazy shit when i am president --- now i ask you -- can you really trust that arab muslim negro terrorist sitting there -- now please reward me for being an POW and my grandfather serving George Washington thank you

Obama: Insanity is John McCain doing what George Bush has done and expecting a different result -- but look we are going to spend and yes tax so we can grow the middle class - it will be hard and we need to come together and sacrifice - i ask for you vote so i can work tirelessly - not like some decrepit old man - on your behalf - thank you

Schieffer: I for one welcome our new Kenyan-American Overlord


Thursday, October 09, 2008

Presidential Debate - October 7, 2008

Presidential Debate
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Belmont University
Nashville, Tennessee
Senator Barack Obama
Senator John McCain
Host: Tom Brokaw

Brokaw: welcome the Black Guy and the Old Guy

Audience: clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap

Brokaw: I understand McCain is still napping so Obama will go first

Audience Question: when do i get my damm bailout???

Obama: thanks to George Bush we are in teh worst financial crisis since the Great Depression

Audience: Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Obama: John McCain and George Bush thought deregulation would rain prosperity on all us - well it's raining on our haids but it's not water

Audience: oooooooh

McCain: Senator Obama thanks for finally showing up to one of my town hall debates - you little snot

Obama: uh huh

McCain: my answer to the question is energy independence, peace in the world, cutting taxes, and raising home values

Question: how do w do that?

McCain: the federal government is too big -- so the federal government should buy every American a free house

Audience: yaaaay

McCain: that little snot didn't think of this -- i thought of it all by myself

Brokaw: who would you hire as Sec. of the Treasury?

McCain: not you Tom - you fuckin’ bastard

Brokaw: testy fucker aren't you?

McCain: i would hire Obama's buddy Warren Buffet or Meg Whitman - maybe we can all get jobs on eBay - only by raising the vaues of benie babies will the US economy get back on track

Brokaw: oh ok

McCain: this whole housing crisis is the fault of Obama and his cronies in Washington DC -- ooh it makes me so mad when I think of those politicians in Washington DC

Obama: Uh in March John McCain bragged that he was big deregulator and 2 years ago I was warning that this was a problem while he was begging money from Fannie Mae

Brokaw: are we fucked??

Obama: no - but we must get people in their homes and have energy and change Washington

McCain: the economy will only get better if you elect an outsider to Washington like me - why Obama doesn't even sign my letters to NBC demanding they bring back Matlock!!

Audience: star trek! firefly!

Question: i hate both you fuckers

Obama: gee nice to talk to you too lady

Question: i don't trust politicians

Obama: and you know why - because the conservative movement wants you to hate government and mistrust politicians so they can destroy it

Audience: it's working

McCain: sure you're cynical - but you have never been exposed to my high bipartisan glow

Audience: ooh

McCain: he's never taken on his own party on anything!!

Obama: why the fuck should I??

McCain: he's a big spending liberal not endorsed by the national taxpayers union or the white people's party

Obama: asshole

McCain: this little shit voted for a billion dollars in earmarks - god it makes me sick

Brokaw: which Republican policy would support the most, entitlement reform or medicare reform or putting Reagan on Mount Rushmore?

Obama: do i get to talk?

Brokaw: fuck off darkie

McCain: my friends some of the $700 billion will end up in the hands of terrorists like al qaeda or PBS

Obama: Russian and Venezuala and Iran win everytime you take a joyride down the highway

Audience: but the wind goes through my hair when the top is down!

Ahmedinejad: my plan it is working

Obama: yeah I'm against waste - big fucking deal

Question: How about sacrifice? What would you cut like a good republican?

McCain: Everything -- all of it - freeze spending on every single thing

Brokaw: that's ridiculous

McCain: look we're not rifle shots here we're Americans

Obama: sacrifice isn't just about Republican policies - although they do seem to go hand in hand - Bush told us to go out and shop after 9/11 but i will challenge all Americans to inflate their tires and install low flush toilets

Audience: oh no!!

Brokaw: George Bush is drunk but I say the American people got drunk on emergency health care and homes for black people!

Obama: thanks again for the Republican talking points Tom

Tom: I'm not even aware I'm doing it

Obama: earmarks terrific - dammit Tom you're berating poor people while rich people have gold plated shower cutains and schoolteachers live on mac and cheese

McCain: Barack Obama is just like Herbert Hoover - why if we elect Obama we could enter a recession

Obama: oh really??

McCain: poor widdle small businesses will die because of the black man

McCain: we are in very tough economic times so I will shower the American people with money - money for children money for health care

[ throws money in the air dances around giddily ]

Brokaw: speaking of the Republican agenda - everyone agrees that we have to reform entitlements and social security

Obama: if Rush Limbaugh speaking directly into your earpiece?

Brokaw: [whispers]

no rush I don't have any oxy or tickets to borneo

Obama: John McCain is big liar

McCain: [ demented cackle ]

my friends the answer is simple our wonderful ronald Reagan… obama have never taken on… i'm not popular… my friends… medicare… we need a base closing commission and rhetoric and …records and 94 times to increase taxes or not to cut taxes look at our records.. my friends

Obama: what the fuck did that old dude just say

Question: environmental issues?!?

McCain: as you know i'm a hero and i bucked my party supporting the environment - did Obama oppose his party by voting to despoil the environment? Noooo

Obama: what the fuck

McCain: hybirds and hydrogen and battery powered flying cars and we can have SUV's running on nuclear fuel my friends

Obama: or we could act like non-crazy people and invest like when the Pentagon invented the computer

McCain: damm keyboards!

Brokaw: gentlemen obey my rules!

McCain: i'm going to bring up the 2005 energy bill and you know how voted for it - that ONE

[ points demonically ]

my friends i oppose all spending and waste and we have to drill now and look at the record Obama has approved storing nuclear fuel

Question: Senator would you like a nap?

Question: health care?!

Obama: ok you can keep you're health care and we will lower costs and then we will let anyone buy into the Congressional plan -- what McCain is not about to tell you is that he won't exclude preexisting conditions or that he will destroy employer based health care

McCain: yurp

Brokaw: your answer?

McCain: we need to do things like put health care records on eBay and have walk in clinics - what a big government bastard Obama is

McCain: why can't you go across state lines to buy health inusurance - look if we tax it 95% will have no choice but to shop around for cool cheap hyundai health care plans and that will prove us right

Obama: that's so fucking punitive

McCain: no no no no one will go without health care because parents will always give health care to their children even if they have to marry a beer heiress to do it

Brokaw: what are you promising?

McCain: look obviously employers will give their employees health care duh

Obama: my mother died fighting insurers you dick - look sure parents should get insurance but now i think we all he Gramps the marketplace will take care of everything well we all will have to get Arizona health care and before you know we will all be suffering under Joe Biden's home state's rules

McCain: i was watching ‘Wheel of Fortune’ what did he say?

Question: world peace?

McCain: I am so sick of Obama bashing america tonight when we have shed so much blood - look sure america sucks but we are still a good nation but we know Obama was wrong to oppose invading Iraq

Brokaw Sen-

McCain: my friends-

Obama: yeah I don't understand. I don't understand why the fuck we let Osama bin Laden go while we invaded the wrong country why the maniacal cheerleader over there said we'd be greeted as liberators

McCain: yaaaaaaaaay

Obama: a trillion dollars we spent while Iraq has a surplus - people we are a laughing stock and a declining empire

Brokaw: will you promise not to help poor brown people

Obama: no i will not - of course we should act if we can - if we could have stopped the Holocaust who among us would not?

McCain: my friends he's a surrender monkey

McCain: there we no weapons of mass desturction and saddam was defeated and Obama would have brought us home in defeat

Brokaw: oh noe

McCain: i told ronald reagan 300 dead marines is unacceptable but i told Bush 4,000 soldiers dead is just dandy

Brokaw: u r confusing me

McCain: Death with Honor!!!!!!!!!

Question: would you respect Pakistani borders or would you be Nixon in Cambodia?

Obama: Bush coddled and appeased the dictators in Pakistan like the big white flag waving surrender Grampy is

McCain: i was talking to Teddy Roosevelt and Obama actually said he would attack Pakistan - I can't believe he would be honest - look i'm all about diplomacy which means i would also attack them of course but i won't say so

Audience: but you just said you would attack now

McCain: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

McCain: Talk softly!!

Obama: they will either be unable to get Osama in which case they will welcome our involvement or they won't do - in which case fuck 'em

Audience: yay

Obama: he says I'm green behind the ears

McCain: yeah!

Obama: he's the idiot who sang bomb bomb bomb Iran and wants to invade North Korea!

McCain: oh i was just joking look of course - i will attack Pakistan i just won't say it out loud!!

Obama: dude you just did

Brokaw: Afghanistan?

Obama: we should do what i said for the last 5 years

McCain: of course Obama is right but he won't admit that Gen Petraeus is a hero

Brokaw: another Cold War?

McCain: Russia is outside the norms of a rich nation and he is another K and a G and B

[ Todd Palin, at home ] dood what the fuck does that spell?

McCain: hopefully with our allies we will face down Russian

Obama: hey what about estonia which needs to rebuild it's economy

Audience: what about flint Michigan??

Obama: my kung fu is so mighty i will keep you safe by seeing problems 5 years ahead of time

Audience: were you bitten by a radioactive charismatic spider

Obama: yes

Brokaw: Let me quote from Regan one more time

Obama: he was possesed by the devil

Brokaw: no regan was the girl in the Exorcist

Obama: in know who you meant

Question: what if Iran attacks Israel???

McCain: Russian and China will attack us too

American People: OMG!!!!!!

McCain: Bush has allowed the middle east to got to war and Obama is an appeaser whereas i can get the Iranians to give up a nuclear program in exchange for the privilege of meeting with me

Obama: hoo boy you want THIS lunatic to have access to the button???

Obama: did you know Iran importants oil??

Question: i know a good song about iran based on a beach boys song

Obama: ah the sophisticated American mind at work

McCain: elitist

Obama: goddam right I am

Brokaw: what don't you know and how will you learn it?

Obama: ask my wife

McCain: ha ha ha

Obama: I'm not kidding

McCain: i ask my wife for money

Obama: my mom was on food stamps but i was able to succeed and why - because America is the greatest country in the world - but we need to keep that promise for the next generation and that dream is in danger and i hope all of you have the courage to pursue the dream called America

America: [ swoons ]

McCain: my friends what I don't know is where the danger lies but there is danger is everywhere - i will bring you dark times, dreary times, tough times, sad times, difficult times, times where you will die - and that is what America is all about -- and I am asking people to reward me for a being a POW and understand in these risky times we cannot afford a skinny black muslim with a funny name thank you

Brokaw: my sentiments exactly good night

Meet The Press - October 5, 2008

Meet The Press
October 5, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Chuck Todd
Paul Begala
Mike Murphy
Peggy Noonan

Brokaw: wow we're actually going to have an election in a few weeks!

Todd: Obama is totally kicking ass

Brokaw: so who wins

Todd: McCain can still win but he has to run the table and he's barely winning in places like Florida

Brokaw: warble

Todd: Florida - it's all about the economy - there’s a big real estate bust and the Castro brothers can't sell their convertible sofas

Brokaw: how in the hell is the black man winning in Virginia?

Todd: Obama has registered millions of new voters so you ain't seen nothin yet

Brokaw: can McCain please win NH or Iowa??

Todd: no they are moving to Obama

Brokaw: oh noes!!

Todd: PA is a big state and Kerry won it so Obama has to win it an he's not won yet

Brokaw: yay!!

Todd: but he's got at NM and FL and Iowa so i'm afraid your buddy is trouble

Brokaw: Chuck go away you make me warble more than usual

[ break ]

Brokaw: Mike what's going on with our buddy?

Murphy: they are in big big trouble

Brokaw: Begala - the hard core messiah types think Obama is going to win

Paul: don't underestimate them they are flooding the zone with young kool aid drinkers and fanboys

Brokaw: let's hope they attack Obama's lack of character and lack of leadership and his association with Willard Scott

Paul: who?

Brokaw: the Weatherman

Brokaw: let's play a 10 minute tape accusing Obama of being a terrorist

Paul: thank you for playing that tape and repeating that accusation

Brokaw: he's an uppity kid who needs to be taken down a peg

Begala: John McCain might be an anti-semite - did you know that?

Murphy: i'm very concered that Williams Ayres shouldn't be elected President and Obama participated in bombings when he was 8 years old

Brokaw: will Obama condemn Lew Ayres and Wings?

Murphy: McCain has no shot unless he runs as the dood to prevent a runaway liberal Congress

Brokaw: the economy?

Begala: fuck rapid response - how about rapid attack?

Brokaw: Obama has put McCain on the defensive with the economy

Begala: McCain wisely attacked Bush in 2001 and embraced him 2008

Palin: there ya go agin joe

Biden: he's not a maverick - he doesn't even have a kitchen table

Brokaw: she was so awesome

Murphy: they are Titan Class gaffe machines so it was fun to watch advisors offstage with whiskey and gunpowder

Brokaw: she's a formidable opponent

Begala: Nixon said Agnew rescued his campaign - but Biden bashed McCain while Palin merely defended herself

Murphy: he demagogued McCain's health care plan

Begla: [ mimicks violin playing ]

i'm playing the world's smallest violin for the GOP

Brokaw: you love Sarah Palin

Noonan: i speak for the american people when i say she did convince the people that she is not retarded and is good on tv

Tom: what else

Noonan: she left open the question of her sanity

Tom: what else

Noonan: she might be a fascist - all this regular-guy stuff if scary and weird

Tom: are you new to the Republican party???

Brokaw: when Ronald Reagan opened his campaign in Philadelphia, Miss that was not populism??

Noonan: oh no it has a very nice hotel and convention center

Yepsen: who gives a shit she's evidently a high functioning moron

Tom: but how can we elect McCain??

Yepsen: people now realize that the GOP is evil - McCain can still win - if he switches parties

Brokaw: um Gwen Palin ignored you wtf??

Ifill: ok ok in my defense i expected Joe Biden to ask her follow up questions my only job was to watch the train wreck unfold

Brokaw: oh ok

Ifill: the american people wanted me to follow up on her so i decided to let her fly

Gregory: she appealed to women with her dazzling folksiness and Biden smiled too much

Tom: who won?

Gregory: she did - she's charming

Brokaw: who is winning the lunch bucket racists?

Todd: Palin had them but the thrill has worn off and people are back to being winked at while being unemployed

Brokaw: but the gays are getting married!

Todd: no one gives a shit Tom

Brokaw: the Weekly Standard says Obama has no character or courage and consorts with dubious black people

Todd: uh huh

Brokaw: let's talk about Obama's running mate for a change William Ayres

Noonan: it's troubling how mean the Left is - it's so sad and mean

Yepsen: who gives a shit

Noonan: not just that it's demoralizing

Yepsen: Opening in Philadelphia, Miss was uplifting right

Noonan: oh yes

Brokaw: Speaking of the Weather Underground

Gregory: Obama has no character

Ifill: both sides are guilty - but even i was smeared this week

Tom: well you are black Gwen you probably are suspect - after all you're writing a Black Book

Ifill: hey right wingers lied and smeared me

Noonan: why is left so mean?

Ifill: both sides are guilty of smearing me

Todd: this is dumbest move ever

Todd: Tom they are manipulating you are you don't even know it

Yepsen: maybe we'll hear about Charles Keating

Noonan: oh no!!

Brokaw: now hold on - McCain apologized for that!!

Ifill: i loved it when Palin pushed back on that

Noonan: so so so so sad that we live in an age of photo-ops and straegists -- it ain't right

Brokaw: oh my god you're a bigger phony and hypocrite than I am

Noonan: yeah i win!

Tom: part of his charm is that McCain is an asshole

Noonan: god bless him

Tom: he’s loveable dick

Noonan: he's containing his anger

Ifill: not very well

Todd: the american people are tired of pundits with maps of red and blue on tv and so am I

Brokaw: Will you allow me to read from your book Peggers

Noonan: people are too preoccupied over who killed who let's forget about all that and reelect Republicans

Brokjaw: ah ha

Noonan: we live in a age of Crazy People who can Destroy America

Brokaw: but you voted for Bush

Noonan: we don't need patriotism to use a weapon in a campaign and be adults and show maturity

Ifill: there you have it - Peggy has condemned the Republican party

Brokaw: i agree with Peggy - the American people are to blame and we have to cut Medicare

The Chris Matthews Show - October 5, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
Sunday, October 5, 2008

Matthews: OMG the black guy might win because the economy sucks!!! But Palin is folksy and the GOP hates business!

Stengel: yeah the black guy has a very big pole

Norris: white blue-collar guys are trying to decide whether they like their jobs more than they hate black people

Parker: republican columnists realize that sarah palin is an idiot and john mccain is a mean hypocrite

Scar: McCain had a Dukakis moment when he said something really stupid about the economy

Tweety: so sad

Scar: he became a GOP-George Bush-depression candidate

Parker: she learned how to talk gibberish well

Stengel: Palin stopped the bleeding

Norris: At the Vice Presidential debate we saw a man who would give sage advice and a woman who would bring a simplistic giddy perkiness to the white house

Tweety: she’s guilty - of being adorable!

Scar: I saw a person who did it exactly right - she began Smear 2008™

Stengel: Bob Dole dropped out of Michigan in 1996 so it's not good for McCain but it's bad news for Obama since he has to win MI

Scar: McCain's strategy is trying desperately to avoid humiliation

Tweety: who is the winner of the week?

Panel: unanimous: Obama

Scar: as soon as the economy bounces back McCain will be fine

McCain: oh shit

Tweety: ever since Al Gore and Bill had an affair in the white house we've had very powerful and influential vice presidents

Scar: ixnay on then ternsinay

Tweety: wow a crazy a town halll debate -- it’s gonna be totally crazy!!!

Joe Scar: McCain refuses to look at anyone at anytime - even conservatives now think he's insane

Tweety: is Obama able to show human warmth

Norris: there are 2 Obamas Debate Prof. Obama and Athlete Regular Guy Obama who takes off his jacket and throws three pointers

Tweety: but he was a POW!

Parker: sure but it's old people who are worried that he's you know, too old

Stengel: John McCain has wisely told everyone he is very good at hand picked town hall debates and will wipe the floor with the man he refuses to look at

Tweety: so

Stengel: so if Obama can connect with the average person Tuesday night this election is-

Parker: Over?

Norris: Done?

Scar: Finito?

Tweety: In the bag?

Stengel: Stick a fork in McCainTweety: tell me something I don’t know!!

Parker: Palin is returning to her undisclosed location

Stengel: in turns out American voters are not too bright

Norris: McCain is in trouble in Florida

Scar: Sarah Palin is going to the Crazy Base in Florida

Tweety: that's a good matchup

Scar: Florida is Alaska with palm trees

Tweety: it's not the Veep it's the Stupidity

Scar: Al Qaeada and the GOP are like a fish and a shark they are both having recruiting problems and they need each

Tweety: ha!


Sunday, October 05, 2008

Vice President Candidate Debate October 2, 2008

Debate - Candidates for Vice President
Sen. Joe Biden
Gov. Sarah Palin
Gwen Ifill
October 2, 2008

Gwen Ifill: welcome to Kabuki 2008!!

Audience: Yaaaayyy!!!!

Ifill: Baldy - Bailout - yes no?

Joe Biden: Nice to meet you for the first time Sarah

Sarah Palin: you to Jim

Biden: Obama had a four point plan and a plan to help the middle class and that's why he chose for me - for my incredible exitement

Palin: to learn about economics go to a kid's soccer game and you will hear about the need for regulation which of course the Republican party stands for

Biden: fuck wha?

Palin: hey he suspended his campaign to fail at getting something done

Biden: oh c'mon at 9:00 am he told soccer moms everything was fine and at 9:15 he said it sucked

Palin: no he meant the American worker was fine -- how dare you put the worker down - but with all due respect Jack we don't need another long time Senator in the White House we need John McCain!

Ifill: you're slippery sarah

Palin: we the pro-regulation pro-government joe sixpacks and hockey moms need to get together and work with republicans to say never again will let liberals like George Bush take advantage of us!!

Biden: hey did you know john McCain who is a very good man is in fact a Republican

Ifill: no!

Palin: darn right we need tax relief - but Barack voted to increase taxes 940 times - that's one time for every muslim in Kenya

Biden: but-

Palin: and Obama wants to confiscate all income from people making $40,000

Biden: ok she just lied and i can prove it - McCain cast the same fucking vote

Ifill: Governor Liar?

Palin: i may not answer the questions but that only proves I'm a wacky maverick from a Disney movie!

Ifill: do you want to wage class warfare

Biden: sure we're going to raise taxes on the rich while Big Rich John voted to raise taxes 340 times - this is only fairness for the suffering the middle class

Palin: you're forgetting the millions of tiny little business - Real patriotism is looking at the American flag and saying - that's the problem!

Ifill: what is McCain's health plan?

Palin: a $5,000 tax credit which doesn't cost the government anything

Ifill: math not your strong suit, huh?

Biden: redistribute my ass

Palin: no thanks you betcha

Biden: fuck this - McCain is going to tax your health care benefits from your employer plan - taking $12,000 from you and giving it to insurers

Ifill: what promises will your promise to break

Biden: the promise to break one of my promises - i will break that one

Ifill: huh?

Biden: Cayman islands taxes and aid to brown countries

Palin: i want to go back to the energy plan

Ifill: we weren't talking about that

Palin: i took on Exxon and said they are bad

Ifill: you're joking

Palin: also i stuck it to hockey moms and took on Women Who Look Like Tina Fey

Ifill: how about answering just one of my questions

Palin: I support Massive Oversight

Biden: where do i start? Where??

Ifill: i have no idea

Biden: she has a windfall profits tax but Crazy won't support it

Ifill: the economy?

Palin: recall that John McCain was calling for Big Reform and wow we just learned the Republican party is incredibly corrupt oh boy we better elect liberals like me and John McCain

Biden: yeah well i voted for the Bankruptcy bill because I'm from Delaware but John McCain has no idea what the fuck is going on

Ifill: your answer sarah?

Palin: that you for asking me about energy

Ifill: i didn't

Palin: Also Obama voted for the energy bill in 2005 and MCain called for regulating fannie mae

Ifill: are you a robot?

Palin: those east coast elitists don't want oil which flows red white and blue - they hate America

Ifill: you don't believe in climate change

Palin: it's real but i don't want to argue about the cause - the point is we have to reject liberals like George Bush and Barack Obama and environmentalists like John McCain

Ifill: of course

Palin: also we like conservation and why let other countries pollute?

Biden: global warming is man made - but the point is John McCain hates wind

Ifill: are you two really the best your parties could do??

Biden: yes

Palin: no

Biden: they only want to drill

Palin: the chant is 'drill baby drill' and I hear it everywhere i go!

Ifill: no bedroom talk please

Palin: he opposed clean coal in a rope line once

Biden: oh please

Palin: what about good clean patriotic god-given natural gas

Ifill: gays?

Biden: i love gays - i love those fuckin gays!

Palin: i am for people choosing what they want as long as it isn't being gay

Ifill: um what

Palin: well it's ok for a sodomizer to sign a contract i guess

Ifill: hair plugs address gay marriage

Biden: no that's a faith question

Ifill: well that and the state

Palin: no gay marriage

Ifill: wonderful you agree that gays are second-class citizens!!

Ifill: Iraq!

Palin: Obama hate the troops and voted to starve them and take away their bullets - but if we lose there we will lose in Afghanistan and we must never leave except for honor and glory

Biden: oh horseshit John McCain also voted against funding the troops and will all due respect to Palin i didn't hear a plan from Governor six pack

Ifill: what's your plan?

Palin: we so very very very close to victory and here you want to wave to white the flag of surrender - we're getting’ closer and closer to winnin’

Palin: I can't see how you can defend someone who would cut off funding for the troops

Biden: you hate John McCain

Palin: but he's an old white man

Biden: hey bin laden may be in Alaska and we may have to bomb it

Palin: hey don't believe me - listen to al qaeda they say the Iraq is the front line in the war on terror

Ifill: which the most dangerous country

Palin: more dangerous even than Achmedinejad and Kim Ill John and the Jonas Brothers is Obama - he would meet with Henry Kissinger without the precious 'pre conditions'

Biden: oh for god's sake it's true the Jonas Brothers are pretty apalling but McCain won't even meet the King of Spain

Ifilll: Israel?

Palin: we will never allow a 2nd Holocaust by building a new embassy

Ifill: there you go

Biden: no one is a better friend to Israel than this guy i know named Joe Biden

Ifill: who?

Biden: Joe Biden says Iran is on the march and Joe Biden will change the policy toward Hamas

Ifill: gwen ifill asks you about hamas

Palin: i don't know what that is - but sure Bush is all about Huge Blunders like all administrations but if you keep bashing Bush it proves you don't want to change from President Bush

Ifill: who would you nuke?

Palin: well you know a good way to use nukes is hang laundry from 'em or to oppose too many people in the world

Ifill: um

Palin: speaking of Afghanistan why did Obama say all we are doing is killing people so sad and a lie

Biden: but the commanding General there said a surge wouldn't work just more troops and by the way nukes are bad and let me put it this way Obama put forward a bill well let me change my answer

Palin: oh noe did ya know Afghanistan has a geography

Ifill: who would you nuke?

Palin: well you know a good way to use nukes is hang laundry from 'em or to oppose too many people in the world

Ifill: um

Palin: speaking of Afghanistan why did Obama say all we are doing is killing people so sad and a lie

Biden: but the commanding General there said a surge wouldn't work just more troops and by the way nukes are bad and let me put it this way Obama put forward a bill well let me change my answer

Palin: oh noe did ya know Afghanistan has a geography

Ifill: does american have the stomach for more boots on the ground in africa

Biden: hey look at bosnia or kosovo or iraq or iran

Ifill: okay

Biden: hey i voted for a war that would take 10 years and result in millions dead

Ifill: foreign policy

Palin: these people hate america and our women's right that's why pre conditions are so very very very important

Palin: wow ya know i'm not an insider cause i doan know where darfur is or what they did to this guy Chad

Biden: we have to draw a lot of lines and speak discursively on the hearings on i opposed the McCain strategy

Palin: well sure there have been blunders by people like John McCain but he John McCain knows evil after all he is a Republican

Ifill: how would a Biden presidency differ from Obama after he is killed

Biden: i would use my time to attack Bush-McCain and carry the work of our slain hero

Palin: ha i'm a maverick!

Ifill: same question for when McCain dies

Palin: i would put a hockey rink in the rose garden and have unwed teen kids in the White House

Ifill: you are mavericky

Palin: there ya go again trying to call McCain a republican hee hee

Ifill: well he is

Palin: Joe my condolences on your wife! we gotta ramp up all school learnin!

Ifill: what the fuck would you do in DC dimwit

Palin: i would drill drill and also carry around my baby around the Capital

Biden: let me speak discursively on this subject

Ifill: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ifill: Do you agree with Cheney that the VP is not in the Executive branch

Palin: we will administer plans appropriate to the nation also i was in the PTA

Biden: read Article One Dick is the most dangerous VP in American history

Ifill: aaron burr tried to a revolution

Biden: i know but he never shot anyone

Ifill: actually he shot Hamilton

Ifill: now is moment in the debate when we Babble incoherently!!

Palin: baby children middle america world view jesus city on a hill hockey mom unapolgetic tolderance freedom equal rice

Ifill: wow just wow

Biden: crime bill 100,000 cops violence against women Bosnia single parent kitchen table Wilmington beautiful house better off single father

[chokes up]

Ifill: wow

Palin: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaveriiick!!!

Ifill: do you want to expand on that

Palin: maaaaaaaaveriiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!!!

Ifill: do you have another word?

Palin: look McCain’s bipartisan he's supported by Giuliani and Mitt Romney

Biden: he's not a maverick - he's goddam asshole

Ifill: flip flop?

Biden: as a pointy headed illecktual i said no to Bork who we know now is one evil motherfucker

Palin: hey we'd all love to cut taxes to zero but i have never compromised - i just run a bipartisan operation

Ifill: you keep talking about bipartisanship what's all that about?

Biden: jesse helms and i had a baby with braces

Ifill: i appointed democrats who both speak in tounges and handle snakes - so there's real diversity there ya know

Ifill: closing statement

Palin: the media are liberal and evil and i want to assure you people that even though we are Republicans in name we will fight for the little people and i can prove it by threatening to kill all the brown people and there is only one man who have fought for you and you owe it to him to vote for the POW!!!!!!!

Biden: While exxon make billions i have a son in Iraq and so does John I might add and i grew up in an honest neighborhood and my dad had an expression he said baldy shut the fuck once in your life in the name of the father son and holy spirit

Ifill: amen and good night