Sunday, March 25, 2007

Not An Exact Transcript - McLaughlin

McLaughlin: issue one, Abu!

Pat: they didn't abort anything which would be a crime

Eleanor: Fielding knew what he was doing as you and Pat know well from Waterg-

John: careful...

McLaughlin: Showdown?

Blankley: Executive Privilege is like a slip 'n slide it was fun in the summer of 1974

John: i like your suit

Blankman: yeah it's sherwin-williams

John Mc: conditions laughable yes or no aroma of executive privilege

O'Donnell: Dems are salivating at the idea of questioning him Rove is a guy who lies all the time

Pat: Journalists are hypocrites they want their privilege when Repubs confess to crimes

Eleanor: um, let's not forget this is about lying, corruption, obstruction of justice....

Pat: i say this is a show trial, in other words i got nothing

O'Donnell: Rove is a liar

Blankley: boo-hoo so unfair he just has a bad memory for the bad things he's done

McLaughlin: Did you ever see SchoolHouse Rock, it said "No More Kings" in other words Bush is a dictator once war starts

Eleanor: they sent troops with no body armor

Blankley: The model is George Washington no micromanging is allowed even though the Constitution didn't even exist back then

Elinor: ok those are tired buzzwords can i just point out Bush is planning to invade Iran

O'Donnell: we don't have enough troops even if we wanted to

Elinor: don't be too sure they're pretty dumb

McLaughlin: Gore like a big hero this week are the deniers like those who ride dinosaurs to church

Larry: Clinton nailed Gore on carbon tax

Pat: It's hype it's not serious like ten new aircraft carriers

McLaughlin: Look at all these credentials Oscar, Nobel Prize Kelly Clarkson and Red Hot Chili Peppers hey they're hot

Blankley: no he's an impressario and by the way there is no such thing as global warming

Pat: he's like Leni Reifenstahl that's a compliment i love her movies

McLaughlin: The YouTube loophole is very scary

Pat: real issue is freelancers

Eleanor: let her rip

McLaughlin: The internet is has sleazy stuff, it's a toilet - kinda like my show but with dancing cats

Not An Exact Transcript - Russert

Specter: we need to have an AG who is candid, truthful, and believes Oswald acted alone

Timmeh: ok, leaving the single bullet theory aside for a moment, what's the deal with Alberto

Durbin: 486 US As and 2 are fired and now suddenly 8 are gone because Karl Rove wanted a permanent majority

Timmeh: Abu yes or no

Durbin: no

Timmeh: Jeebus these were in the top Ten prosecutors that's what Casey Kasem said

Specter: someone's got some 'splaining to do

Timmeh: Does Abu has Integrity

Specter: i can't tell until i get a good look at the whites of his eyeballs

Timmeh: Rove under oath - do those words get you excited to go fishing

Durbin: sadly we may have to ask him a lot of questions i wouldn't rule out waterboarding but don't worry there won't be any organ failure

Timmeh: Avoid a show trial

Durbin: heh give me a break it won't be a show unless he really sings

Specter: look i think i'm still in charge isn't that funny

Timmeh: yeah you lost

Specter: do you like my coat it used to be a sofa

Timmeh: its good i like the tie too is that the pepto bismol line

Specter: yeah it's time to end the stalemate and bickering and cave into the white house.

Bradley: boldness...ethics.. imagine there's no parties, it's easy if you try

Timmeh: ok i've heard that song before

Bradley: imagine all the people, voting DLC.....

Timmeh: you bash Dems which is good but arent't you soft on defense

Bradely: No i'm very hard

Tim: gas tax man no wonder you're out of politics

Bradely: we wouldn't use that dollar for spending

Timmeh: you're not saying Iraq was related to oil holy shit

Bradley: Dems should take back religion and morality

Bradely: I hate it when Dems say that people who succeed in America are the problem -- i have lots of examples hidden in my briefcase

Timmeh: you have no charisma - bitter much

Bradley: hey i resent that it's just Repubus never fall for charisma look at their great choices like Reagan and George W. Bush

Timmy: Dems who do you luv

Bradely: edwards has a health care plan but the real issue is that i like to pretend that i'm above petty issues like politics do you think david broder will like what i'm saying

Tim: obama yes or no

Bradley: well he stole my ideas and i resent it because he's got charisma and he's a rock star

Timm: so you're not impressed

Bradley: no, did you know i only got elected because i played basketball and i could easily take Obama

Not An Exact Transcript - This Week

Will: John Edwards, it's gallantry

Donaldson: there will be people who will say Edwards was wrong i luv to use the unnamed passive voice it makes me feel lordly

Cokie: jeebus christ it's nobody's business

Will: Lincoln lost a child

Donaldson: yes and *some people* not me of course would say that looks like carelessness

Steph: what about sympathy

Donaldson: look dammit the voters will hate him for this not me of course other people lesser Americans than me

McCain: The people voter in November for blind support for Bush

Cokie: holy cow he's nucking futs

Will: no this is very bad for the Democrats of course they are right but they are invested in failure when a good mutual fund is better

Sam: Arr! Grr!

Cokie: No this is very bad for Dems they're a bunch of antiwar losers who lost after 1974

Steph: except for 1976

Cokie: oh fuck you i repeating received wisdom as you well know
Steph: Democracy in DC yes or no

Cokie: it is weird that there is no democracy in the capitol of the USA but there are too many whites in the GOP

Sam: don't kid yourself they will never let DC residents vote

Will: I'm churlish i suppose but if we lets DC residents vote that means they can establish a religion which we know Republicans hate

Not An Exact Transcript - Chris Matthews

Tweety: cancer is the way we die in teh USA well maybe not tom delay that will be insecticide

Borger: he had me at incurable

White Afro: Hillary can't go after him now

Tweety: Bill and Hill hate Obama

Healy: They think teh media is down with Barack

Tweety: i luv to say Hillary is really angry

Borger: they're whiny

Noron: Page 294 of Audacity of Hope is a good read it's really audacious and bodacious

Healy: I asked Hillary about civil war and she said Gettysburg was teh bomb

Tweety: its ingenuity heh Hillary's a fascist

Norah: year it's about money

Tweety: it's an outrage that we're spreading democracy and still Hillary is allowed to run!

Panel: Gore will run he looked sporty wearing a checked shirt yeah still caring about his clothes

Tweety: Hillary is evil

Healy: i haven't measured his waistline i think Judith Miller is on top of that story

Casey Stengel: Clintons always stoop low

Tweety: he's gonna get beaten by teh Clintons again i luv to say that even though that never happened

Tweety: I luv Rin Tin Tin better a good german that a scary lassie

Tweety: Dems fear Rove

Borger: He's like Vader a Sith Lord

Noron: Ha ha ha ha

Casey: Perry Mason was fat tit for tat Dems are petty

Noron: Dems have to be careful god forbid someone expose Rove's evilness

WhiteAfro: They're mad cause Dick told them to fuck off well now it's payback time

Tweety: Dems puzzle me they're so weird with all this ethics and stuff

Norah: if not Abu then who?

Tweety: They will be sympathy if they trash him hispanics do they jobs white people won't do like subverting justice

Norah: Dems are bad

Stengel: Penatgon is wasting money to be spent saving lives

Healy: Gore and Tipper are having a lot of fun they don't want to run

Tweety: Hillary is Madame Defarge hey cool i got one more slur into the show

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Meet The Press Not A Transcript

Slestak: i've landed on an aircraft carriers for real unlike some presidents i could mention

Delay: wow dood you were in the indian ocean did you run into chief crazy horse

Slestak: dood with all due respect which is to say zero Osama is not in Iraq

delay: look we have to listen to teh terrorists and do whatever they say terrorist are like car keys we have to look for them where the light is better

Slestak: dood your on drugs

Delay: were at war with indonesia europe and everyone lets not surrender

Slestak: yea but-

Delay: look dood this is meet the press only wingnuts get to talk so here i go

Perle: kill! kill! kill! kill!

Slestak: oh my god your are fucking crazy

Perle: dood your not even giving failure a chance its only been four years

Andrews: hey dood i'd rather take military advice from the Admiral that fucking draft dodging coward like Tom Delay

Delay: the iraqis are like pets we have to take care of them we can never leave until the entire middle east is stable

Russert: whew and here I was worried

Sestak: this is about america not so you can feel like a big man

Delay: surrender surrender wow i so brave

Perle: This is all about the people of iraq heh heh i so full of shit

Andrews: yeah what a great idea young Americans dying for some fucking civil war

Perle: 'redeploy' is a just another word for surrender and you know it

Sestak: oh you just got personal which for someone like you is not a good idea

Russert you're all total fuckups what's up with that

Delay: i'm frustated we haven't killed enough people it's true

Paul Harvey: don't drag me into this slimeball

Delay: i recall when i played poker with Saddam every week before the war he told me with enough chlorine "i will rule the world" i said Saddam calm down and pass the cheese dip

Timmy: what would happen if we left immediately or within a year you know much too soon

Andrews: gee i don't know maybe kids would stop dying

Perle: in my defense i never thought there would be a five year occupation so I was wrong so that means I was right

Timmy: okay i follow

Perle: Gore was with me ok i'm lying but it's all I got

Timmy: so anything but lies?

Perle: Saddam was going to give a nuke to terrorists no really that's all i got

Delay: after a war starts we should never have people protesting my god they even considered impeaching teh president the nerve

Sestak: after the show i'd like step outside and aid and abet a can of whoop-ass on this guy

Sunday Not An Exact Transcript

Mr. Shipman: call me nuts but a pro-abortion cross dressing immoral freak might not be the best choice for the GOP

Mrs. Shipman: Bush is really really popular look at his success in Vietnam

George Will: i miss reagan if this was your party you'd cry too

Brazille: Fred Thomson will dive into pool cannonball!

Shipman: well he look the part which i s the most important thing

Brzille: Gore is coming back george Will shut your skinny white mouth

Sunday Not An Exact Transcript

Steph: Pace big closet case?

Shipman: good news for Republicans this is all bad for Hillary

Steph: gays immoral yes or no

Brazille: criminy these campaigns are so driven by cautious campaign managers unlike the brave brave sir robin dukakis

George Will: when i was at boarding school this all de rigor we all experimented with using our left hands

Sunday Not An Exact Transcript

Tweety: he's got no religion

Parker: but he can handles snakes look at his close relationship with bernie kerik

Tweety: ha ha i luv how he talks he luvs cops

NYC reporter: lets face it he's an asshole

Tweety: when i ride the subway in brooklyn i fear the black man

Fineman: that's right and now Republicans fear brown people around the world he'll crack skulls but competently

Tweety: he trashed his wife on tv

Heileman: he's abusive

Fineman: Donna's boy not liking Rudy

Tweety: ok here's where I pour on the luv on Rudy

Sunday Not An Exact Transcript

Tweety: rudy gives me woody on the stump

Rudy: being mayor is perfect prep for Prez

Tweety: voters are taking a hard look

Fineman: but getting nyc streets snowplowed is foreign policy

Katty: he's selling himself as comptent

Parker: 9/11 9/11 9/11 murder rate jihad

NYC Guy: dood new yorkers never liked him and they were that panicked to begin with

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Not An Exact Transcript!

karl rove: jesus I'm the good guy here I could have fired all of them but I was too busy destroying the CIA

Blankley: there's nothing to see here after all Reagan did it so it must have been right.

Gregory: dood that's a head scratcher

Blankely: oh fuck it I admit it Gonzalez is teh Freddo of this crowd now we need a rowboat

Blankely: dood i was Newt's press secretary so believe i know how to handle lying and scandal cover-ups

Gregory: hmmm interesting whats up with your hair

Blankman: its spray on heh these guys are all dumb fucks

Gregory: my hair totally rulez

Blankman: Schumer is deeply insincere but I will say they could face the ultimate sanction that is apologize and get promoted

Not An Exact Transcript!

McKay: dood Gonzalez lied but the crime here is that they're so fucking bad at it

Cummins: they smeared good people to hide their total shittiness nice huh

Gregory: why were you fired dood

Cummins: hey i was willing to do the little salute when bush came in the room but I wasn't gonna grow the charlie chaplin mustache

Gregory: hey is Justice really the place to stick the losers of the bush administration

Cummins: draw yur own conclusions heh heh

McKay: they put a cloud over the whole Justice department

Gregory: cmon speculate about these fascists

Mckay: well i wouldn't throw dems in abu ghraib so that's a performance problem

McKay: call me crazy but someone needs to look into this

Gregory: bush administration DOJ is full of inexperience hacks true?

Cummins: you don't need a lot of experience in prosecutions to have ethics for crying out loud

Mckay: i don't think gonzalez is too political but the people he works with are like bush and rove people like that

Cummins: yes of course new presidents can put new US attorneys in but by the hammer of thor you can't prosecute people for political reasons