Sunday, January 30, 2011

Meet The Press - January 30, 2011

Hillary Clinton - U.S. Sec. of State
Sen. Mitch McConnell - (R-Minority Leader)
Martin Indyk
Richard Engel
Tom Friedman
Fmr. Rep. Harold Ford
Chuck Todd
Katty Kay
Mike Murphy

Gregory: Good morning - Hosni Mubarak still
clings to power in the face of massive protests

Gregory: Hillary is Mubarak really responding to the will of the people?

Clinton: you have to distinguish between protesters and those fucking looters

Gregory: Is Mubarak stable?

Clinton: I’m not a psychiatrist David

Gregory: what does the U.S. want?

Clinton: an orderly transition to democracy or whatever keeps that damn canal open

Gregory: are you calling for free and fair elections

Clinton: we always have Greggers

Gregory: but do you really mean it this time

Clinton: that’s up to the Egyptian people

Gregory: yes but you could make him leave
if you wanted to

Clinton: our position is very clear - we live in a Twitter and Facebook world now and people demand freedom, democracy and a Starbucks
with WiFi

Gregory: can we keep Murbarak in power?

Clinton: fuck that Fluffy - we need to respond to
the needs of the people!

Gregory: neato

Clinton: we need to stage in an Intervention -
this guy is totally out of control!

Gregory: but Hosni has always been good to us

Clinton: I was talking about Charlie Sheen

Gregory: Why not just install Murbarak in an apartment in Brooklyn?

Clinton: well he can live peacefully alongside Jews

Gregory: Do you want him in power?

Clinton: stop putting words in my mouth Fluffers

Gregory: sorry

Clinton: we want real democracy not hipster faux-democracy

Gregory: Are Americans in danger?

Clinton: we’re working triple-time on that gregg

[ break ]

Gregory: what the holy hell is happening Rich?

Engel: fighter jets, angry crowds, looting -
it’s like a SuperBowl here

Gregory: I see

Engel: also there’s a total collapse of Law & Order

Gregory: where’s Jerry Orbach when you need him

Engel: also the army may be planning a coup

Gregory: amazing

Engel: the government is encouraging looting and violence and lawlessness to punish the people

Gregory: oh I’m sure that will work

[ break ]

Gregory: Mitch what is your reaction to what is happening in Egypt

McConnell: Republicans love ships in the Suez and Israel so we love Mubarak

Gregory: but you also called for democracy

McConnell: yes we have asked for this for 30 years

Gregory: if only you had some sway over him like money or something

Gregory: will you recognize a government run by the Muslim Brotherhood

McConnell: hell no

Gregory: what mistakes is Obama making?

McConnell: he’s doing what Republicans would do in a crisis - nothing

Gregory: but we give Egypt over a billion dollars a year

McConnell: yes but need access to the pyramids
to communicate with Seti Alpha 5

Gregory: do the lunatics in the tea party drive the GOP?

McConnell: there are no divisions in the Republican party - Democrats are the ones with all the problems!

Gregory: oh

McConnell: Democrats drove up the deficit and lost million of jobs

Gregory: your reality is quite fascinating

McConnell: thank you

Gregory: will you make big cuts to Social Security?

McConnell: no - we will just cut domestic spending enough now to prevent an economic recovery and get Mitt Romney elected in 2012

Gregory: I see

McConnell: we won’t touch entitlements unless the Democrats do it first

Gregory: you expect Obama to do it without you

McConnell: yes we will very bold - when he acts first

Gregory: will you shut down the government?

McConnell: we have an awesome opportunity to cut spending after not doing anything when Republicans were President

Gregory: so shut the government down or not?

McConnell: give me a fucking break - you try negotiating with that fucking catbird Obama on one side and Rand Paul on the other

Gregory: I hear ya Mitch

McConnell: aw fuck it I love you to man
[ starts sobbing ]
[ they hug ]

Gregory: look at Tweetdeck!!

Indyk: this is a 21st Century revolution - Twitter
and Facebook will bring down dictators all over the region

Gregory: holy crap

Indyk: Shit's gettin' real

Gregory: this guy won Survivor but can he win The Amazing Race?

Indyk: no he’s totally fucked

Gregory: what does this do to Middle East peace?

Indyk: no one knows what the hell is going on

Gregory: Thanks Marty -- Tom what is going there?

Friedman: because Egypt was such a good friend on terror and Israel we gave him a pass on the whole dictator thing

Gregory: and torture

Friedman: actually that was a plus

Gregory: can Mubarak stay?

Friedman: they need get their heads out of the sand and join the 21st century

Gregory: sounds like a plan

Friedman: this dude had 30 years to fix his country and he totally fucked it up

Gregory: wow that is not like America at all

Gregory: I am very scared of Islamic terrorists

Friedman: when you open the lid on a scary society like this you seen anger and rage

Gregory: aaaaaaaaack!!

Friedman: it’s frightening

Gregory: what should Obama do now?

Friedman: Announce that we support peace, democracy
and Facebook

Gregory: did this revolution surprise you?

Friedman: No my taxi driver in Davos told me it was going to happen

Gregory: oh he was from Egypt?

Friedman: no it was Tom Delay

Gregory: Panel look at this crazy Twitter feed!

Todd: the White House is busy following accounts on twitter #whatthehellisgoingon

Kay: Obama read Mubarak the riot act

Murphy: people in the Middle East want freedom and democracy which means of course they hate America

Ford: these young middle class professionals are angry - they should have had the foresight to be born into a rich connected family

Gregory: this is a real test for Obama!

Todd: except Egypt is not actually in America

Gregory: not technically perhaps

Kay: these protests could show that you don’t have to choose between dictatorship and terrorism

Murphy: true but eventually scary Muslims will probably take over - think Kerensky

Ford: Oh fuck Kerensky - it’s all about tumbldeck and Facetweet and Mysquare and Grouplinkd!!

Gregory: are those real?

Ford: who the fuck cares?

Gregory: Obama reinvented his Presidency in his State of the Union

Todd: Obama will merge two cabinet departments

Gregory: which ones?

Todd: Commerce and Housing &
Urban Development

Gregory: C.H.U.D

Todd: right

Gregory: Republicans want see Social Security destroyed - they just want Obama to do it for them

Murphy: Obama needs to jump off a cliff for the
good of America

Gregory: Independents hate spending

Ford: Obama needs to cut Social Security

Gregory: so we’re all agreed - Obama must take steps to guarantee his defeat

Ford: yes - that and create some jobs

Kay: Unemployment will still be high in 2012 - but if Obama cuts entitlements he may be reelected cause Independents love that

Gregory: right

Todd: the GOP have abandoned jobs in favor of banning gun-free gay abortions in downtown Washington DC

Gregory: interesting

Gregory: why doesn’t Mitt Romney announce already?

Murphy: he’s playing it cool

Todd: Romney you can’t skip Iowa - those farmers will gut you with their folksy pitchforks

Ford: the best thing politicians can do now is slash their budgets - people love that

Gregory: of course

Ford: the Egypt crisis is good for Romney

Gregory: he is a bit dim but he’s a serious white
man with big shoulders

Ford: that’s what we need

Gregory: speaking of that next week we celebrate the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan


This Week with Christiane Amanpour - January 30, 2011

Hillary Clinton - U.S. Sec. of State
Sameh Shoukry - Egyptian Amb. to the U.S.
Mohamed ElBaradei
Zbigniew Brzezinski
Amanpour: Could democracy come to the middle east? Protests continue in Cairo despite fighter jets flying over and luckily there are no Muslims involved - so don’t panic America!!

Americans: eeeeeek!

Amanpour: the army is standing by watching people shouting for the regime’s downfall

Protester: Fuck Murbarak - he doesn’t care
about people!!

Mubarak: shit that’s my mother

Amanpour: Murbarak’s own party headquarters
was burned

Murbark: damm the party really is over

Obama: can’t we all just get along?

Hawass: they destroyed mummies!

King Tut: watch the face!

Mubarak: I appointed a vice-president -
what more do you people want??

Protestor: appointing a torture-happy lackey is no basis for a system of government

Amanpour: will you cut off funding for this
out-of-touch autocrat?

Clinton: Murbarak is showing great restraint in the face of all this looting

Amanpour: ok

Clinton: on the other hand we have a very
very clear message

Amanpour: what is it

Clinton: a vague commitment to reform

Amanpour: he shuffled his cabinet isn’t that enough?

Clinton: [ laughs ] no it isn’t Christiane

Amanpour: is the Egypt government about to fall?

Clinton: look we love the Egyptians with their valuable fight against al-qaeda, friendship
toward Israel and their important alien communication networks

Amanpour: you mean the pyramids?

Clinton: I’ve said too much

Amanpour: is the U.S. hedging its bets?

Clinton: no not all -- we believe in democracy, human rights, and the profitable sale of tear gas canisters

Amanpour: awesome

Clinton: here’s the deal - Mubarak can crack down on looters but then they have to hold elections

Amanpour: thanks so much Hillary

[ break ]

Amanpour: what is the military doing on the streets?

Shoukry: people love the military -
support the troops!

Amanpour: the people really seem to hate Murbarak

Shoukry: in The President’s Speech he’s all about freedom

Amanpour: it sounds like everything is going to hell

Shoukry: look it took 500 years to build one pyramid so reform could take time

Amanpour: there are hundreds of thousands of people in the streets!

Shoukry: no it’s just people out for a stroll

Amanpour: so what happens next?

Shoukry: we will have a national dialogue about whether we should continue with an ineffective dictatorship

Amanpour: is Mubarak going to flee the nation?

Shoukry: let’s just say he’s on Expedia and Travelocity pretty much non-stop

Amanpour: may I suggest hotwire

Shoukry: he’s on it Christiane

Amanpour: you’re welcome buddy

[ break ]

Amanpour: what is happening here?

Hasan: the people have suffered for 30 years under this incompetent dictatorship and they’ve had enough

Amanpour: the Jets are here

Audience: Revis Island!

Hasan: the people don’t give a shit

Amanpour: What needs to happen now?

ElBaradei: first Mubarak needs to go and then we need to hold elections and then we must
restore order

Amanpour: will the army turn on the people?

ElBaradei: no but there are thugs roaming the streets -- it’s bad

Amanpour: what do people think of America?

ElBaradei: America needs to push Mubarak out now

Amanpour: but Americans are terrified of Muslims

ElBaradei: that’s a load of bullshit

Amanpour: but they’re so scary

ElBaradei: that’s really stupid

Amanpour: Is Osama bin Laden going to take over Egypt and attack Texas?

ElBaradei: [ palmface ]

Amanpour: how does this end?

ElBaradei: simple - hold elections and put in a real government and one friendly to America based on something real and not bribery

Amanpour: can Hosni stay?

Brzezinski: hells no

Amanpour: how do you have democracy without letting scary muslims taking over?

Brzezinski: Mubarak can still be the good guy by leaving gracefully

Amanpour: well since the Red Sea parted they're owed another miracle

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

State of the Union Address - President Barack Obama - Jan. 25 2011

Sergeant-at-arms: Heeeereee’s Baraaaack!!

Boehner: I just found out this guy is my half-brother - President Obama!!!

Obama: Thanks John

Republicans, Democrats, and Michelle Bachmann - give it up for the Crying Man!!

[clap clap clap]

Obama: Let’s remember Gabby Giffords

[ Applause ]

Obama: Tuscon reminds us that no matter who are or where we come from we live in an America in which we are bound together by the knowledge any of us at any time can be shot by a manic waving a legally purchased automatic weapon meant for killing dozens of people

[ yaaaaaay ]

But however much we hate each others guts we
still have to work together

That’s what the voters want - those fucking idiots

Voters want us to rebuild America, restore manufacturing, and make this nation a beacon to
the whole world - in other words those poor deluded fools want the impossible

But good news America - the stock market is back and Wall Street is rich again!

[ yiiipeeeeeeee ]

Sadly the people still aren’t satisfied - those unemployed losers want even more!

So I gave businesses more tax cuts - which will create even more
jobs and if not then we will cut their taxes even more and more again

I know this is hard to believe, but America once had factories with decent pay and benefits with lifetime jobs

Well that was a long fucking time ago and those jobs have gone boys and they ain’t comin’ back

Springsteen: hey

We spend all our time on Facebook while damm Tiger moms teach their kids in Bangalore and Beijing to build supercomputers to beat our Jeopardy champions

Alex I’ll take Declining Empires for a thousand fucking dollars!

But the good news is for a few more years we
will still have the world’s biggest economy and our universities are teaching people from all over the world to beat us at our own game

Sure our stupid kids don’t memorize facts but
damm we got self-esteem!

[ yaaaay ]

We have to make America great again or at least not suck so much!

[ whoop whoop whoop ]

No one knows where the next jobs will come from but dammit we’re the nation that put a motherfucking car on the goddamm moon and made a 26 year-old socially inept asshole a billionaire ten times over!

50 years ago the Soviets built a robot dog named Sputnik and America met that challenge and built
an android named Al Gore!

[ yeeeeaaaahh ]

After 9/11 we needed some dudes from Michigan to rebuild the Pentagon

Sure we could spend money on clean energy but instead we’re going to hold a contest -- it’s like
reality tv fuckers!

[ much clapping ]

To pay for it I’m asking Congress to stop giving billions to oil companies!

[ confused applause ]

By 2035 I want 80 percent of America’s energy to come clean coal, wind, solar and an army of fucking mutant hamsters!


Now let’s talk about our idiot kids - they can’t even finish our high schools, which isn’t even that hard!! Criminy people!

Listen up parents - turn off the tv! NOT NOW sheesh!!

Fuck Ben Rothliesberger - give it up for the
nerds and geeks!

[ cheering ]

I invented Race To The Top - first school with 10 students who can run 100 yards without stopping gets a billion dollars!

But not No Child Left Behind - I’m done with that shit

[ CLAP ]

Take some crappy gang-ridden school in South Park Colorado - for years this school killed Kenny and now we have put an end to it - Kenny LIVES!!

[ yaaaay!!!! ]

Let’s honor teachers and build a motherfuckin’ nation here at home!!

We need engineering and science and math teachers!

So will bring here from India and China!! America needs you!

[ muted clapping ]

But let’s face it - college is where the real fun is.
So I told Sallie Mae to fuck off!

[ whooo hoooo ]

By the end of the decade America will have more students going to keg parties than any other
country in the world!!!

[ yeaaaahhh!! ]

America’s colleges are full of foreigners - without them who will staff our IT departments?!? Who will log us on when we have forgotten our passwords? Who will retrieve our lost e-mails?!!?

[ whispered agreement ]

America built the transcontinental railroad!!
But that 100 fucking years ago!!

We could build high-speed rail which is better than flying - without the body groping unless that is you what you want Lindsey Graham

The tax is too damm high!! Let’s cut the tax for
those poor corporations!!


I’d like to double exports by 2014!

I’d also like to be a white man with Brad Pitt’s looks, Tom Brady’s wife and Mark Zuckerberg’s money!

[clapping and cheering ]

I ordered Joe Biden to read every government regulation

[ fuck yeah ]

I enacted financial regulation and health care reform!

[ Boooooo ]

Hey morons - you want to reform health care be my fucking guest

Go ahead fuck over people with preexisting conditions - I’m sure the American will love that

Be sure to screw over the young and old people too while you’re at it

All right shitheads let’s talk about the debt created by as usual Republicans

Now that I solved the recession it’s to cut the spending that solved the recession


So tonight I propose we freeze spending for 5 years

[ clap ]

These cuts will be painful - like cutting funding to ACORN and the Pentagon’s Shark-Laser program

But that won’t be enough!

Alan Simpson told me we have to cut spending everywhere! Including Medicare and Medicaid!

What’s the answer? Fucking Tort reform!
That’s right! Kicking it old school!

What about the old, infirm, crippled and mentally ill? What about Dick Cheney?

If we want to buy him that nuclear powered machine in place of a heart we have to raise taxes on the rich!

[ clap ]

While we’re at it - why not simplify the tax code? Hells even Timmy Geithner can’t figure it out!!

[ heh ]

I’m trying be the anti-George Bush! Black articulate and competent!

Did you know there’s one federal department for marijuana in brownies and another when it’s smoked! That’s fucking crazy!

[ whoooooooo ]

If someone sends me a bill with ear marks I will veto it! This ain’t no fucking David Lynch movie!!

[ yaaaaay ]

America’s moral example must always shine for those who stand for liberty, freedom and indefinite detention without charges!!

We’re leaving Iraq and violence is down to less than Camden New Jersey!

As extremists promote violence - I say this to Glenn Beck - Muslims are Americans too!!

We’re getting the fuck out of Afghanistan. It will take the combined efforts of fifty countries to get out us - we’re the morbidly obese of modern empires!!

But we can still kick some al-qaeda ass!!

I got the START treaty enacted, put sanctions on Iraq and spanked North Korea - that’s right I’m a Nobel prize winner fuckers!!

I’ve been to Russia, Asia and India, cleaning up Bush’s embarrassing messes one nation at a time!!

Next year Michelle and I are going to Brazil - Carnavale fuckers!!

Now there is peace in Sudan - of course you’re still stuck in Sudan but whatever

And then there’s Tunisia

Bachmann: gesundheit

Thanks darling

I love our troops - they totally rock

[ cheers ]

Let us treat them as well as they have treated us -
or at least better than we were which isn’t much

Our soldiers are Hindu and Jewish and Muslim

McCain: what the fuck

And gay! So let’s be the best gayest military there fucking is!!

[ yaaaay ]

None of this will be easy - especially with a Congress of drooling morons

I wish I was a dictator- believe me

But at least we’re not French with their horrible food and socialized health care

[ clap clap clap ]

We’re a nation where even two white idiots like
Joe Biden and John Boehner can serve in mildly high office

[ yaaaaaaaaaay ]

I have a dream - where Americas can come to the aid of exploited workers halfway around the world

[ fuck yeah ]

We do big things goddammit

We’re a nation of great big huge enormous people! We’re motherfucking supersized!

Good night white fuckers!!!


Republican response to State of the Union Address

Hi I’m Congressman Paul Ryan - tonight’s designated loser

As the Bible says - let’s pray for the wounded and cut the deficit

We cut Congress’s own budget - no more hookers before 9:00 p.m!!

Obama doubled the size of the government 50 years from now!

It’s true we handed Obama a total crisis but he created more debt - it was an 84% increase if you totally lie

And then he said Americans deserve health care - I mean that’s just crazy

How can businesses create jobs with all these sick people being treated? What the hell?

Last week Republicans passed a fictional repeal of the health care law so our work is done

Republicans just realized that the debt is out of control - so we need to cut taxes for corporations and rich people

It’s a fucking spending spree!

Oh by the way we love old people so more money for all you voters

As Thomas Jefferson once said the purpose of government is to build a wall to keep out immigrants, attack pirates, cut taxes for the rich and keep mosques out of lower Manhattan

What is up with government anyway? I mean do we really need one? Really?

We’re approaching a tipping point - within a year a young inexperienced black son of a Kenyan will prove to be a better President than a white Yale legacy son of a President. We don’t have much time! Our day of reckoning is soon here!! We must act now!!

Remember Lincoln was a white guy! And so was Washington! White guys brought you Gettysburg, Pearl Harbor and Ultimate Fighting! Give us another chance!!



Sunday, January 23, 2011

Meet The Press - January 23, 2011

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA)
Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC)
Karen Hughes (Fmr. Bush advisor)
John Podesta (Center for American Progress)
Ron Brownstein (Atlantic Media)
Erin Burnett (CNBC)

Gregory: Eric what should Obama say on Tuesday?

Cantor: Obama is obsessed with getting things
done in Washington

Gregory: How odd

Cantor: the America people hate their government

Gregory: they do?

Cantor: we need to cut spending not invest

Gregory: so you reject investment to get out of recession or build up America for the future?

Cantor: darn right Greggers

Gregory: How will you cut $100 billion?

Cantor: oh that wasn’t serious

Gregory: what happened to your promises?

Cantor: we’re against all past rampant spending
by Congress

Gregory: didn’t you do that?

Cantor: yes but all that is different now

Gregory: so what will you cut?

Cantor: a lot

Gregory: like what?

Cantor: did I mention all this is the Democrats fault?

Gregory: are you going to blackmail the President by threatening to default on the debt?

Cantor: right - we’re going to demand huge cuts
in spending

Gregory: ok like what cuts?

Cantor: hundreds of programs

Gregory: fascinating - like what?

Cantor: the Presidential Election Fund

Gregory: ok so nothing

Cantor: [ pouts ]

Gregory: how about defense spending?

Cantor: sure maybe

Gregory: Dick Armey says we should end
farm subsidies and turn the White House into
an Applebees

Cantor: we should cut what needs to be cut

Gregory: Harry Reid says Social Security is fine

Cantor: it’s a train wreck

Gregory: so what’s the solution?

Cantor: repeal Obama’s health care bill

Gregory: I didn’t ask about that - I asked about Social Security

Cantor: Reid is not willing to cut Medicare

Gregory: what are you willing to do?

Cantor: we’re willing to discuss it

Gregory: how much more discussion do you need?

Cantor: ok - between you and me we will cut Social Security for young people

Gregory: It seems like John Boehner does not have a serious alternative to Obama’s health care plan

Cantor: maybe but Obama’s plan was
jammed through

Gregory: what’s your plan?

Cantor: we have a plan to eventually have a plan

Gregory: what is the plan?

Cantor: Let people negotiate with their doctors

Gregory: it seems like you don’t have a plan at all

Cantor: we don’t but at least we won’t jam through any bills

Gregory: you jammed through Obamacare
repeal last week

Cantor: we had 7 hours of debate

Gregory: ok then

Cantor: Republicans believe top-down government from Washington sucks and we have set out to prove it

Gregory: is Obama a moderate?

Cantor: I’ll believe that if he proves Washington is not the answer by resigning

Gregory: Loony conservatives think Obama was born in Kenya which is crazy-talk

Cantor: it’s very uncivil to call people crazy

Gregory: do you think it’s ok to call Obama a foreign America-hating fascist

Cantor: you’re trying to get me to engage in name-calling

Gregory: do you think Obama is trying to bring
down America?

Cantor: no I think he’s doing it by accident

Gregory: fair enough

Cantor: The real question is Obama going to renounce equality of outcomes and willing to
see people's lives crushed to benefit the rich and connected

Gregory: I’m guessing not

Cantor: then he hates America

Gregory: what’s the deal with the Tea Party?

Cantor: stop picking on those cute wackos

Gregory: Reid says the Tea Party is will disappear now that China has stopped making funny
novelty hats

Cantor: I love those anti-government freaks

Gregory: thanks for coming Eric

[ break ]

Gregory: What should the President say
on Tuesday?

Burnett: putting GE in charge of exports was genius because they export more jobs than anyone

Clyburn: Obama has created more jobs in 2 years that Bush did in 8

Podesta: Obama should stop worrying about what happens on Capitol Hill and worry about what happens in America

Gregory: I see

Hughes: The President doesn’t know how to
create jobs like Republicans do

Gregory: is that right

Hughes: Obama is just like a Republican now - except successful

Brownstein: but he still believes in government -
he's like Abe Lincoln only handsome

Lincoln: screw you brownie

Hughes: this huge debt is terrible!!

Gregory: didn’t you work for George Bush?

Burnett: Calm down we’re still a very rich
country people

Gregory: Could we have a government shut-down - that would be so much fun

Clyburn: Anything is possible after all Republicans recently nearly destroyed this country

Gregory: true but Obama passed health care reform which is the same

Hughes: Give us credit - Republicans bailed out
Wall Street with your taxes!

Gregory: truly brilliant

Brownstein: To compete with China we should cut medical care for old people

Gregory: Why didn’t Obama hire Immelt 2 years ago instead of giving some losers health care

Clyburn: because Fluffy personal bankruptcies were caused by health care expenses

Hughes: Obama lost 6 million jobs since he caused the recession when he became President
in December of 2008

Gregory: how interesting

Brownstein: what the fuck is the GOP health plan anyway?

Gregory: 2012 is upon us!

Obama: We are a divided nation but we can all come together as one people and find common ground: hating the New England Patriots

Gregory: Will Obama be a one-term President?

Hughes: oh sure

Gregory: He’s more popular now

Hughes: Only because a Democrat Congresswoman got shot

Gregory: that’s all?

Hughes: also people love big tax cuts

Gregory: that's true

Burnett: Wall Street thinks Obama will crush
Mitt Romney

Hughes he’s cheating by being popular

Brownstein: the GOP has blue-collar voters who love tax cuts for the rich and hate government

Gregory: Can Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin win?

Podesta: they can carry the lunatic vote which is a large percentage of a GOP primary

Clyburn: Palin is attractive and articulate but dumb

Gregory: that’s sexist Jim

Clyburn: I have three daughters smarter than Palin and a cocker spaniel with better political skills

Gregory: that sounds right

Hughes: forget Palin - feel the Pawlentropy!

Brownstein: Obama has to turn out women, blacks, gays, vegans and all the other freaks

Burnett: No one is really willing to tell Americans the
free ride is over

Gregory: Obama’s Ambassador can win the GOP primary!

Podesta: you’re still a moron Fluffy

Gregory: Do you think anyone will yell at Obama this year

Clyburn: Let’s see if the GOP regains it’s sanity

Gregory: Anything could happen - and that's
Meet The Press


This Week with Christiane Amanpour - January 23, 2011

Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT)
Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND)
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-TX)
Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT)
Rep. Chris Gibson (R-NY)
Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL)

Amanpour: Obama is giving a State of the Union address - what will he say?!

Tapper: Obama took a shellacking but now his
poll numbers up!

Gergen: shockingly I think he should move to the center and work with Republicans and businesses

Tapper: and repeal the health care law

Obama: I love fat cats!

Cats: I can haz exportz?

Gergen: His theme should be repealing
dumb regulations

Tapper: but the debt!

Amanpour: it’s a pivotal time for Obama!

Obama: it’s always pivotal Christiane

Amanpour: I will find out what Obama has to do win reelection by talking to three people who couldn’t get reelected

Lieberman: He must take great risks to attack the biggest threat since Ramadan - the debt

Hutchinson: Obamacare caused the lost of six million jobs in 2008

Conrad: we must reduce America’s reliance on foreign energy by being more lazy

Amanpour: all three of you have great records
of working with conservatives - why are you quitting now?

Lieberman: I want to try being widely despised in whole other areas

Amanpour: Are you leaving because no one
likes you?

Lieberman: that has nothing to do with it

Amanpour: Beltway pundits love you

Lieberman: I could have won my election if wanted to

Amanpour: that’s not what I hear

Lieberman: feel the Joementum!

Amanpour: why do people in heart of America hate democrats?

Conrad: because of TARP which Bush did

Amanpour: anything else

Conrad: also people in the Midwest hate
auto companies

Amanpour: Kay you’re too liberal for the Tea Party - are they insane?

Hutchinson: not at all they’re wonderful weirdos

Amanpour: I see

Hutchinson: I would have won also

Amanpour: So you and Joe are both delusional

Hutchinson: I read Tea Party blogs and I’m amazed at how psychotic they are

Amanpour: why do they hate you so much?

Hutchinson: I don’t know - I said the stimulus was just like the Holocaust

Amanpour: the Village cried itself to sleep when
you three retired

Lieberman: the GOP reached out the President on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

Amanpour: oh really

Lieberman: we need to raise Gross National Confidence

Amanpour: well you’re quitting so that should help

Conrad: we need to cut Social Security and Medicare

Amanpour: what about the military?

Conrad: Chris do you want us to be invaded by North Korea?

Amanpour: Kay who’s your date to the SOTU?

Conrad: I’ll go with you darling

Lieberman: it’s just like high school - no one
wants to sit with me

Amanpour: you idiots are adorable

Amanpour: the President has to work with a new Congress of dentists, pizza makers and
reality tv stars

Schilling: I was amazed to find that Nancy Pelosi isn’t Satan

Lee: I have modest goals - just amend the Constitution to balance the budget

Amanpour: did the Tuscon shooting increase civility?

Schilling: If Obama stops being so mean to Republicans

Lee: If we are nicer to each the shooter wins

Amanpour: what will you cut?

Schilling: Everything

Lee: Taxes!

Amanpour: Okay then


Sunday, January 16, 2011

Meet the Press - January 16, 2011

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY)
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK)
Rev. Al Sharpton
David Brooks (NY Times)
Peggy Noonan (Wall St. Journal)
Tim Shriver (Washington Post)
Sen. Gregory: Kirsten how is Gabby doing

Gillibrand: she’s suffered a brain injury but can
still serve in Congress effectively

Gregory: of course

Gregory: Obama says she opened her eyes

Gillibrand: it’s thrilling for her constituents

Gregory: what was it like to be there?

Gillibrand: her husband is amazing

Gregory: did you know he actually is a
rocket scientist

Gillibrand: she’s a fighter

Gregory: just like mark wahlberg

Gillibrand: she just wants to help people
and bring them together

Gregory: wow that’s very timely

Gillibrand: she always wanted a civil discourse

Gregory: everything was going fine until
she got shot

Gillibrand: small businesses are suffering!

Gregory: thanks for stopping by Kirsten

[ break ]

Gregory: and I'm back with Chuck S and
Tom GoBurn

Coburn: it’s Coburn

Gregory: whatever

Schumer: in Brooklyn we believe in civil
fucking discourse

Gregory: I see

Gregory: Arizona allows people to conceal carry
30 round clips in bars

Schumer: this drug addicted nut should never
have been allowed to buy a gun

Gregory: Tom do people really need to fire
30 bullets at one time?

Coburn: this poor individual needed help

Gregory: you sound like a bleeding-heart liberal

Coburn: he was crazy and if people had noticed he would never have been sold a gun although that was his sacred right

Gregory: well that is rather the point isn’t it

Schumer: 10 bullets is good enough for New York City so it should be enough for Arizona

Gregory: Chuck you haven’t used the word ‘motherfucker’ once and Tom Coburn is sitting
right here

Schumer: I’m trying to be fucking civil Fluffy

Gregory: Tom what about having sane guns laws?

Coburn: we shouldn’t have any laws because
people will just break them

Gregory: that makes perfect sense

Coburn: People need fire 30 bullets to
defend themselves!

Gregory: From who?

Coburn: from crazy people with guns!

Gregory: of course

Coburn: if lunatics are banned from owing guns half of members of Congress will not be allowed to carry and that’s not fair

Gregory: has political discourse gone too far?

Coburn: I’m disgusted by media that suggest that calling Obama a Marxist Nazi Kenyan witch doctor
is somehow wrong

Gregory: how fascinating

Coburn: we need to pay attention to the real risk to America - that Obama wants to prevent law-abiding people from bringing guns to a political rally

Gregory: what about violent political rhetoric?

Coburn: we should all take Glenn Beck’s pledge and set anyone who advocates violence on fire

Schumer: let Democrats sit next to Republicans so I can punch anyone who yells “you lie”

Gregory: Doctor can we repeal health care reform?

Coburn: we need market forces to bring down
health care costs

Gregory: what’s the solution

Coburn: let patients negotiate with doctors

Gregory: how so

Coburn: like offer to wash the surgeon’s Mercedes for a year in exchange for a hip replacement

Schumer: we have the best health care system in the world except the parts that suck

Gregory: Eric Cantor wants Obama to promise extend the recession exchange for raising the
debt ceiling

Schumer: fuck him

Coburn: after 30 years of GOP spending I just realized that big spending is terrible

Gregory: right

Coburn: the bond vigilantes will destroy America!

Gregory: ok ok doctor

[ break ]

Gregory: panel where do we go from here?

Brooks: the lesson from Tuscon is for Obama to bring people together by proposing Republican
tax policies

Gregory: remember how awesome it was when Reagan brought people together after the space shuttle blew up by reading someone else’s poem?

Noonan: he silenced all the damm Shuttle-haters

Gregory: what did Obama accomplish?

Noonan: he told us to avoid the blame game and reminded us that the Internet is full of crazy rhetoric that kills people

Sharpton: this lunatic in Arizona proves we need to find common ground in tax policy

Gregory: Obama told us to be great

Shriver: people are begging to be challenged and involved in their society

Gregory: McCain said Obama is a patriot who is not secretly trying to destroy America

Audience: [ puts down Obama=Hitler poster ]

Noonan: people are not worried about civil discourse they’re worried about murderous lunatics

Brooks: Reagan said you’re in charge of your own mental illness - lucky you!

Noonan: oh that was all the ivory tower liberals fault

[ pours into cocktail shaker]

Shriver: just be a buddy to a crazy person

Gregory: hey I had lunch with Michelle Bachmann

Sharpton: that is one handsome white boy

Gregory: Pawlenty is a very civil homophobe

Brooks: the root of civility is sinfulness and our culture downplays the evilness of liberals and their sinful hippie ways

Noonan: the unwashed masses lack huuumiiilllliityyyy!!!

[ drops ice cubes ]

Gregory: that is so true Peggy

Gregory: Got MLK?

Brooks: ha

Martin Luther King: it’s wrong to ignore centuries of neglect and declare equality overnight

Sharpton: we need to honor King and strengthen education and unions

Brooks: I got an e-mail about how schools are great and government sucks

Gregory: Obama is a black guy

Shapton: He’s the damm President Fluffy!

Noonan: [ open jar of olives ]

Shriver: King was an extremist for love and justice!

Gregory: wow he was like a cross between the Dalai Lama and Superman

Noonan: some documentary movies are Obama’s Nixon to China

[ twirls swizzle stick ]

Brooks: my advice is read a conservative, read a liberal, then read my column and you’ll be
ready for a stiff drink

Noonan: hear hear
[ raises glass ]

Sharpton: King changed white people’s reality -
deal with it!

Gregory: and that’s Meet the Press


Sunday, January 02, 2011

Meet the Press - January 2, 2011

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)
Sen. Pat Toomey (R-PA)
Prof. Stephen Carter (Yale)
E.J. Dionne (Wash. Post)
Katty Kay (BBC)
David Brooks (NYT)
Gregory: Happy New Year Linds

Graham: you too Greggers

Gregory: will you work with the President to
grow the economy?

Graham: yes - if he does what we want

Gregory: interesting

Graham: Obama caused a recession in 2008

Gregory: fascinating

Graham: we need certainty

Gregory: what does that mean?

Graham: “certainty” means “Republican policies”

Gregory: Did Fannie Mae cause the entire recession?

Graham: yes poor black people getting mortgages brought us the worst economy in 7 decades

Gregory: truly amazing

Graham: we must make home ownership harder

Gregory: Is telling people to have health care insurance unconstitutional?

Graham: states should opt out of their citizens having health care

Gregory: Obama and Harry Reid ate your lunch in the lame duck session

Graham: it’s terrible that we weren’t allowed to amend the bill to repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell to
keep Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

Gregory: what will the GOP do in 2011?

Graham: cut spending which will hopefully
prevent a recovery and hurt Obama

Gregory: what will the tea party do?

Graham: if we’re lucky cut social security and misspell major legislation

Gregory: will you raise the debt ceiling?

Graham: if we don’t do it will wreck America forever

Gregory: so will you vote for it?

Graham: no

Gregory: what do you want?

Graham: privatize social security

Gregory: that’s crazy

Graham: President Rand Paul says we must cut Medicare and print more gold coins

Gregory: I see

Graham: we will be Greece if we don’t means-test entitlements

Gregory: amazingly you think Obama can’t hammer out a deal

Graham: right

Gregory: but you have to admit he got a lot done
at the end of 2010

Graham: but those were liberal policies so that doesn’t count

Gregory: will you shut down the government down?

Graham: the American people want us to do two things: cut the deficit and also cut the debt

Gregory: anything else?

Graham: also cut spending

Gregory: Biden says we’re getting out of Afghanistan come hell or high water

Graham: he’s a cool dude

Gregory: what do you want?

Graham: I want a long term enduring relationship

Gregory: Ok but what about Afghan war?

Graham: we should leave in a responsible way

Gregory: how so?

Graham: by keeping several U.S. air bases there forever

Gregory: Do you think the Afghan people want us in their country permanently?

Graham: well Fluffy they are going to have earn the right to have American soldiers occupy their nation until the end of time

Graham: who do you want to run for President?

Graham: hopefully someone who is not crazy

Gregory: so not Sarah Palin?

Graham: in a nutshell

[ break ]

Gregory: Obama had a good end to 2010 but the economy is still not strong enough

Brooks: We need to cut spending because
blah blah blah

Toomey: We should have free trade, lower
corporate taxes, and fewer environmental regulations on businesses

Dionne: If the GOP hates waste what about corporate welfare

Kay: America doesn’t want to face any real problems

Gregory: so sad

Kay: Tea Party politicians can either destroy America or disappoint their whacko supporters

Gregory: even Lindsay Graham is talking crazy on the debt ceiling - are you all fucking nuts?

Toomey: The debt is a big problem so I won’t vote for the debt ceiling until we cut corporate taxes

Dionne: the only people sacrificing are troops and poor people

Brooks: President Paul Ryan is finally willing to let poor people really suffer

Toomey: the people of Pennsylvania are willing to sacrifice their fictional earmarks

Gregory: but you guys are cutting taxes for the rich

Carter: let’s cut taxes for the rich but in exchange
tax more poor people

Kay: the America people want compromise and sacrifice - but they want other people to do all the compromising and sacrificing

Gregory: Let’s talk about what a failure Obama is

Dionne: he should propose popular things -
people seem to like that

Gregory: Who is going to be the GOP Presidential nominee?

Brooks: there are two camps - the Crazies and the Boring White Guys

Gregory: who will win?

Brooks: I still think the GOP is a Boring White Guy party

Toomey: If we don’t nominate a Crazy Person there will be a third party challenge

Gregory: could Palin carry Pennsylvania?

Toomey: well I’m an idiot and I won there

Gregory: good point

Gregory: Obama’s ambassador could win the
GOP nomination!

Brooks: Fluffy you are a moron’s moron

Kay: the next President will come from Facebook

Gregory: Haley Barbour was a racist but that was last week - now he’s a nice guy

Carter: there’s a Formless Anger out there

Gregory: a political Smoke Monster?

Carter: the winner in 2012 has to Ride the Anger

Gregory: Searing Populism!

Audience: new band names!

Brooks: people don’t Big Government or Small Government they want Effective Government

Toomey: no people want No Government

Kay: oh zip it Toomster

Gregory: What about Afghanistan?

Carter: why the hell are we even there?

Dionne: Democracies don’t like to get bogged down for ten years in a war in Afghanistan

Soviet Audience: is no picnic

Gregory: people like to have roads without mountains of snow

Kay: if you’re going to be a jerk like Chris Christie you had better be competent

Gregory: good point

Kay: Cory Booker was out there shoveling showing the old guys how it’s done

Brooks: why should New York City waste money on snow plows - just suck it up

Dionne: that’s really really stupid

Gregory: and that’s Meet The Press


ABC's This Week - January 2, 2011

Host: Jake Tapper
Austan Goolsbee
George Clooney
Tapper: Hey America the economy is growing
but unemployment is still high

Tapper: Gools where are the jobs?

Goolsbee: It’s a bumpy road but we’re on
the right track

Tapper: how do you juice the economy?

Goolsbee: we already cut taxes on business
17 times

Tapper: what about trade with Korea?

Goolsbee: North or South?

Tapper: whichever works slick

Goolsbee: Obama supports lowering tariffs
on kimchi

Tapper: he’s going to lose Wisconsin if he
crosses the sauerkraut lobby

Goolsbee: well forget it then

Tapper: will unemployment ever go down?

Goolsbee: maybe

Tapper: really?

Goolsbee: we’re going to cut unemployment because we have to

Tapper: will Congress lift the debt ceiling?

Goolsbee: those nutty tea partiers might
actually default

Tapper: they are so much fun

Goolsbee: it’s not a fucking game - it would
be catastrophic

Tapper: awesome

Goolsbee: it would be the first economic crisis in history caused by insane people wearing funny hats who can’t spell

Tapper: but Obama thinks we should cut spending

Goolsbee: true

Tapper: what is Obama willing cut from the budget?

Goolsbee: Jet fighters built in GOP districts

Tapper: what about building a time machine
back to 1998?

Goolsbee: we’re open to all proposals Tappy

Tapper: very good

Goolsbee: the reason the deficit is high is not spending - it’s because we’re in a recession

Tapper: It’s 2011 so give me some new ideas for the economy

Goolsbee: criminy Tappster Obama signed a massive tax cut daya ago that’s just coming into place now

Tapper: but that was last month

Goolsbee: I know!

Tapper: I’m bored so let’s go to George Clooney’s plan to start his own tv network - the
Sudan Genocide Channel

Clooney: it’s going to be the TMZ of crimes against humanity

Tapper: that’s redundant

Tapper: why not a start a history network about Nostradamus and aliens

Clooney: because the Chinese are turning a blind eye to war crimes

Tapper: unlike the U.S.?

Clooney: good point

Tapper: will this really be effective?

Clooney: we’ll be like the paparazzi - you never know where we’ll be or if we’re watching

Tapper: I like it

Tapper: will you document crimes by both sides?

Clooney: darn right

Tapper: this will cost $750,00 - isn’t this a terrible waste of money?

Clooney: no because this could help millions of people for less than it costs to fluff
David Gregory’s hair

Tapper: fair enough

Clooney: we have to do something to address this terrible problem

Tapper: but in the Ivory Coast right now there’s an unelected Presidential war criminal flouting international law and the global standards
of decent behavior

Clooney: George W. Bush is in Africa?

Tapper: LOL

Tapper: George you can’t get the world to care about atrocities in Africa or anywhere else and you’re incredibly good looking!

Clooney: we’re going to threaten to put them on tv with Chris Hansen

Tapper: Has Obama done enough or are you disappointed like everyone else?

Clooney: he hasn’t stopped the genocide but on the plus side he’s not actually bombing the country himself

Tapper: thanks for coming