Sunday, November 21, 2010

Meet The Press - November 21, 2010

Sec. of State Hillary Clinton
Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-LA)
Rep-Elect Allen West (R-FL)
Richard Wolffe
Paul Gigot (WSJ)
Robert Draper (NYT)
Gregory: OMG North Korea is building a nuclear bomb - this makes it difficult for Obama to argue
for arms control!

Gregory: Hillary is the GOP playing politics with
the START treaty?

Clinton: all the world leaders in Lisbon sure think so

Gregory: yeah but they’re all socialists

Clinton: Republicans were in favor of this until
they realized Obama supported it

Gregory: but why does an international treaty have to be with a bunch of foreigners?

Clinton: Reagan said ‘trust but verify’

Gregory: Ronald?

Clinton: Nancy

Gregory: doesn’t Republican intransigence
weaken Obama around the world?

Clinton: I would ask the GOP to please pull their heads out of their asses and pass the damm treaty

Gregory: why are we leaving so quickly in Afghanistan in another four years?

Clinton: no we’re withdrawing - just very very slowly

Gregory: can we please leave some military
bases there?

Clinton: oh of course - we’ll advise them from our massive installations

Gregory: permanent bases?

Clinton: no

Gregory: are you sure

Clinton: ok may be one or two - or five

Gregory: Hillary is it really necessary to grope
every air passenger?

Clinton: let’s not kid ourselves - the terrorists have explosive underwear so naked pictures and crotch grabs are the best ideas we’ve come up with

Gregory: we got a terror conviction this week in civilian court - this proves that civilian courts are bad

Clinton: um what

Gregory: why do foreigners want us to try these evil terrorists in these weird “civilian” courts??

Clinton: Americans want it!

Gregory: these civilian courts frighten and
confuse me

Clinton: they’re called Article III courts - you know, because they’re in the Constitution

Gregory: would we release terrorists if they
were acquitted?

Clinton: no that would be stupid

Gregory: then why bother with civilian courts?

Clinton: wow I heard you were a moron

Gregory: I don’t understand

Clinton: trials in federal court are required by law

Gregory: but those courts can’t guarantee a conviction like military courts do!

Clinton: blimey you’re an idiot

Gregory: Hillary what do you make of the 2010 election results and will you please schedule a
pillow fight with Sarah Palin

Clinton: ha ha - Fluffy I’m trying to pass a nuclear arms treaty - I don’t have to time to comment on some reality tv star and her mother

[ break ]

Gregory: Bobby are the pat-downs excessive?

Jindal: absolutely - these strong measures prove Obama is weak on terror

Gregory: oh

Jindal: look at all the successes Obama had on stopping terror attacks - it prove he’s lucky and
not competent

Gregory: could you elaborate

Jindal: they’re playing defense - not offense!

Gregory: but you just said airport security was excessive!

Jindal: they’re too worried about the rights
of terrorists!

Gregory: Did Bush just get lucky too?

Jindal: no he was brilliant - but we he was also too soft on terror

Gregory: really?

Jindal: Obama wants to offer the terrorists therapy

Gregory: truly you have a fascinating world view

Jindal: there’s more - we should only frisk brown-skinned men!

Gregory: this is great stuff

Jindal: this is a clash of civilizations - they hate our freedoms and our way of life!

Gregory: Was Obama incompetent in responding to the BP oil spill?

Jindal: yes they admitted there was oil in the water and wasted time insisting on life jackets!

Gregory: my god

Jindal: It’s just like Hurricane Katrina

Gregory: you say Obama was too concerned about his image and not fixing the oil spill

Jindal: right!

Gregory: and yet you’re written a whole book about how you were heroic during the crisis and the
White House sucked

Jindal: They relied too much British Petroleum!

Gregory: your big idea was a sand berm and experts say it’s stupid

Jindal: yes - but that’s Obama’s fault too

Gregory: I see

Jindal: Also the sand berms were a success and Obama approved it

Gregory: I see

Jindal: Red tape caused the disaster!

Gregory: Haley Barbour says Obama did a good job with oil spill

Jindal: yes but on the other hand I met with Obama and he provided the resources we asked for

Gregory: Is Obama a one-term President?

Jindal: look we’re in a recession so the American people want us to cut jobs and spending

Gregory: are you running for Vice President?

Jindal: we’ve done worse than me

Gregory: Speaking of that - can Sarah Palin unite
the GOP?

Jindal: [ spit take ]

Gregory: why did you spit?

Jindal: I’m a freaking Rhodes scholar and America loves this quitting dim wit

[ break ]

Gregory: Congressmen what do you think of the airline gropeathon?

West: As a Republican I like all security but I also must bash Obama so I will say they should have marketed the kid-fondling better

Wolffe: jeebus the hypocrisy is amazing

Gigot: with the intrusive searches we risk losing public support for the police state which
would be bad

Gregory: we have to put up with this don’t we!

Draper: George W. Bush loved this

Gregory: Allen are you a libertarian?

West: as libertarians we support war but we’re against pat-downs

Gregory: what does that mean?

West: It means we need racial profiling

Gregory: fascinating

West: we got lucky with terrorism and they will attack us again - so Obama shouldn’t have instituted new tough security procedures

Gregory: will there be any bipartisanship?

Wolffe: I can’t tell where the hell the GOP is on national security

Gregory: Obama has to extend Bush tax cuts but those dirty liberal bloggers won’t let him!

Gigot: yes Obama must move to the right!

West: my district has high unemployment and closed businesses on Man street which means we should cut taxes for the richest 2% of Americans

Gregory: can we please cut Medicaid?

West: damm right!

Wolffe: Republicans will wait until Obama endorses the unpopular positions and then oppose him

Draper: the American people love tax cuts
for the rich

Gigot: the bipartisan solution is to cut taxes for corporations on the one hand and the rich
on the other

Gregory: how is that bipartisan?

Gigot: you saw it from the reaction to the commission’s recommendations - Republicans
liked it and Democrats did not

Gregory: oh I see - you meant the Beltway version of bipartisan

Gigot: right - Democrats agree to give Republicans what they want and Republicans agree to let them

Gregory: Sarah Palin rules our world!

Draper: indeed

Gregory: she says people ignore her stellar 24-months as governor of a state with fewer people than the Bronx

Draper: She’s a policy wonk but wrestling bears doesn’t show it

Gregory: Congressman she endorsed you

West: she has devoted but frankly weird following

Gregory: I see

West: there are wolves out there!

Gregory: don’t tell me about it - I’ve seen ‘Twilight’

Gregory: She’s beer and Romney is wine

Wolffe: true but the powers that be drink Chardonnay not Pabst Blue Ribbon

Audience: If they together it would be
“XX and White Whine”

Gigot: she’s comes across as real

Audience: real stupid

Draper: the Palin circus is not ready to run a national campaign

Gregory: what are their defining characteristics?

Draper: self-pity, mistrust and paranoia

Gregory: How does Obama recover?

Wolffe: don’t underestimate Obama

Gregory: but how?

Wolffe: he could try Hope and Change

Gregory: that’s catchy

Allen West: the GOP win is Pickett’s Charge!

Gregory: Congressman what is your mandate?

West: slash spending and demand Obama’s birth certificate

Gigot: the GOP needs to cut something symbolic

Draper: I can’t wait to see them justify all the pork they’re going to grab

Gregory: and that’s Meet The Press -
happy turkey day

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - November 21, 2010

Admiral Michael Mullen - Chair, Joint Chiefs of Staff
Amanpour: Hey we’re finally leaving Afghanistan
- in four years

Field reporter: Afghan civilians want Americans
to stay in Afghanistan because they are saving the lives of kids wounded by suicide bombers trying to kill Americans

Audience: of course

Field reporter: but we can’t kill our way out of Afghanistan because fighters can always hide
in Pakistan

Audience: hmmm

Reporter: so we have to teach Afghans how to fight - a concept they are unfamiliar with

Amanpour: Admiral is North Korea a grave threat
to America?

Mullen: Oh yes they are led by a dictator who
is determined to destabilize Asia and fund horrible movies

Amanpour: how could we let Korea get nukes?

Mullen: we tried sanctions but they never had anything to begin with so they didn’t work

Amanpour: so what’s the answer?

Mullen: we need to work with all world’s major powers - China, Russia, Europe and Facebook

Amanpour: fascinating

Mullen: Korea is predictable in it’s unpredictability

Amanpour: that makes sense

Mullen: he blows hot and cold

Amanpour: he’s like a character in a Katy Perry song

Mullen: he kissed a girl

Amanpour: I like it

Mullen: Obama is going to ask the Chinese to rein
in that wacko

Amanpour: Should we be terrified?

Mullen: Definitely

Amanpour: the GOP stopped START

Mullen: I know Christine - it’s crazy

Amanpour: but is it really a good idea - the GOP says it’s a government takeover of nuclear weapons

Mullen: it’s very critical

Amanpour: but wouldn’t this weaken America if we only have 5,000 nuclear weapons

Mullen: true there are fewer inspections but there aren’t as many bombs now

Amanpour: Obama has promised to modernize
our nukes?

Mullen: right - they will not longer use Vista

Amanpour: well that’s sounds good - but why do
we need this agreement which involves a bunch of foreigners

Mullen: hey the Russians allowed us to get bogged down in a quagmire in Afghanistan - we owe them!!

Amanpour: how can we put pressure on Iran and Korea if we don’t ratify START?

Mullen: the Russians are starting to wonder if we’re idiots

Amanpour: We’re going to stay in Afghanistan until 2014 - why the rush?

Mullen: It will be like Iraq - we’re not actually leaving but they will be doing the fighting

Amanpour: that’s nice but Iraq is a freaking paradise compared to Afghanistan

Mullen: the Afghans are learning to fire a gun and should have mastered it by 2012

Amanpour: do really think Afghans can learn
to run Afghanistan in just 4 years?

Mullen: amazingly yes

Amanpour: are you doubling down on killing
the Taliban?

Mullen: we are starting to reverse the losses of
the Bush years

Amanpour: what’s the deal this loon Karzai

Mullen: he’s pissed about the civilians we kill -
but you know the Taliban kill a lot of innocent people too!

Amanpour: Al Qaeda is now issuing white papers, Powerpoint presentations and fourth quarter performance reviews

Mullen: I like it

Amanpour: how about gays in the military

Mullen: they should serve openly because after all lying is dishonorable

Amanpour: Israel has open gays so why not us

Mullen: true but they don’t face an existential threat to their future existence like we do

Amanpour: they are surrounded by enemies

Mullen: I was talking about “Dancing With the Stars”

Amanpour: the Marine commandant is scared of
gay cooties

Mullen: that guy DVRs “Glee” so he’s one to talk

Amanpour: Thanks for coming Admiral


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Meet the Press - November 14, 2010

David Axelrod - White House advisor
Sen. John McCain - (R-AZ)
Alan Greenspan
Harold Ford
Newt Gingrich
Bethany McLean
Gregory: Dave did Obama achieve anything
touring Asia?

Axelrod: Obama is out there fighting for American jobs Fluffy and he rejected a bad trade deal because it wasn't fucking good enough!

Gregory: what about those Bush tax cuts
for the rich?

Axelrod: We can afford to borrow money to keep the tax cuts for the middle class but we can’t afford to borrow to keep the cuts for the wealthy

Gregory: but the rich have suffered so much

Axelrod: John McCain opposed those cuts
and he was right

Gregory: can I get a compromise right now?

Axelrod: are you negotiating on behalf of the Republicans David?

Gregory: it saves time

Axelrod: I see

Gregory: is Obama open to compromise please??

Axelrod: dear god stop whining Fluffers

Gregory: is the President going to move to the right?

Axelrod: the message from the American people is they want us to act together and give them jobs

Gregory: I still hear you still fighting for liberals - dammit will you just stop and be conservative already!!

Axelrod: ok how about tax cuts for businesses?

Gregory: the Chairmen of the debt commission proposed a lot of pain and spending cuts which
I hope will be very popular

Axelrod: no one wants cuts or higher taxes so this should be a lot of fun

Gregory: Is Obama willing to finally stop all this free money going to the elderly and sick?

Axelrod: the right-wing demagogues this issue

Gregory: [ grinning ]
but you won’t even make any concessions on my tv show!!!

Axelrod: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: so did I

Axelrod: this is a dark cloud over us and we
must make these cuts

Gregory: excellent

Gregory: what about Rahm

Axelrod: he’s fucking crazy

Gregory: are we ever going to make progress in Afghanistan?

Axelrod: we need to train the Afghans to fight and love America which is tricky

[ break ]

Gregory: President McCain what would it take to satisfy you in Afghanistan?

McCain: it’s just a fact that we must never leave that far-away country or terrorists will come here and
cut our heads off

Gregory: but President Karzai doesn’t even
want us there

McCain: he’s paranoid

Gregory: you’re calling him paranoid?

McCain: look the entire Afghan government is corrupt and Pakistan is harboring international terrorists

Gregory: these are arguments for staying there?

McCain: exactly

Gregory: what about gays in the military

McCain: Look we need a study that says gays
are icky

Gregory: fascinating

McCain: we need a thorough and complete study to determine the if gay people cause cooties

Gregory: your wife called you a bigot - what
did you say to her?

McCain: I only communicate with my wife through Twitter

Gregory: doesn’t military honor require not lying

McCain: the head of the marines has validated
my bigotry!

Gregory: but what do you believe personally
about gays?

McCain: look I met a soldier in Kandahar who has
to sleep with all the men under him

Gregory: interesting

McCain: these are petty officers!

Gregory: Indeed they are

Gregory: we have more tape of you on Meet The Press than anyone else

McCain: oh noes

Gregory: you blatantly flip-flopped on tax cuts
on the rich

McCain: look this is a very different time - we now know what an incredible hypocrite I am

Gregory: what about the debt commission?

McCain: the American people have sent the message that they hate spending and want to send all of their money to the richest one-percent

Gregory: President Bush is peeved at you for
not campaigning with him

McCain: I had to do it - Obama was trying to
tie me to Bush

Gregory: yes he tried to link you in the public's mind

McCain: no he found us backstage and tied us up!

Gregory: my god - well that’s it until your 60th appearance

McCain: Ooh I hope I get a toaster

[ break ]

Gregory: Alan where are the jobs?

Greenspan: there are no construction jobs because we already built what we need and businesses are very uncertain about the future which we need to be certain about

Gregory: Newt you’re a failure and widely hated - tell us about world economics

Gingrich: all of this is Obama’s fault because he hate business

Ford: Newt is right that I should have been the
first black President

Gingrich: um what

Ford: we should have a moratorium on regulations and accept all the debt commission recommendations

Gregory: Beth how can American thrive until we inflict more pain on homeowners

McLean: if the government stops involvement in housing there will be another crash

Greenspan: hey old white men are doing great

Gingrich: this debt commission report debate is stupid because we won’t cut social security

Gregory: but don’t we have to have an adult conversation that we must
slash funding for the poor and give money to the rich??

Greenspan: the Congress will pass these recommendations because they must or bond traders will have a sad

McLean: we are headed to a huge crisis

Gregory: I’m just a talk show host but we must raise the retirement age!! [ sobs ]

Ford: Newt Gingrich is a close friend and handsome man - why can’t he lead the Democrats to cut social security ??

Gingrich: this stupid chairmen’s plan is a step backwards because it’s a hurtful proposal from bunch of rich people who won’t be affected by their own recommendations

Gregory: gee that’s what I liked about it

Gregory: [ shows tape of people rioting in Europe ]
look at this horrible social unrest just because poor people see all the benefits going to the rich

Ford: I love the Tea Party because they realize that we must eliminate Social Security for young and poor people

Gregory: Newt does Obama have the guts to slash Medicare?

Gingrich: I fear government workers in Albany
will riot

Gregory: over cuts in salaries?

Gingrich: Lack of parking

Gregory: should we cut the debt by extending tax cuts for the very rich?

Greenspan: yes - also the deficit is a real problem which is why we need to cut entitlements

McLean: those tax cuts sure didn’t provide jobs

Gregory: only 8 million were lost

McLean: We’re running out of time - the bond will take their balls and go home and then we will have no balls!

Gregory: what if the government gets out of the mortgage business?

Greenspan: home prices get lower and we will have to foreclose on 8 million people which will be necessary but exhausting

Gregory: Newtie will you run for President please

Gingrich: yes but first I must create a movement for insanity

Gregory: I’m torn between you and Sarah Palin

Gingrich: true - also there’s heavyweights Huckabee, Romney and Barbour

Gregory: Don’t forget my new best buddy - Bobby Jindal - squee!!!


This Week with Christiane Amanpour - November 14, 2010

Sen. Lindsey Graham
Madeline Albright
Amanpour: [ plays music from The Amazing Race ]
Obama… is… in... a race around the world!!

Tapper: Obama came to Mumbai so he could see where all the American jobs went

[ scenes of Obama dancing ]

Tapper: South Korea won’t dance to America’s
tune and open up to American beef

Obama: that is an irritant!

Tapper: the fed weakened US currency and Germany declared war

Obama: but only to grow the economy!

Amanpour: Madeline why are people criticizing America - we’re so awesome

Albright: that’s the purpose of these summits -
give the little nations a chance to bitch and whine

Amanpour: so it’s like a blogger conference call

Graham: Congress will crack down on those
wily Chinese!

Amanpour: How can America lecture the rest of
the world when we have a terrible debt

Graham: America clearly cannot lead the rest of the world until we cut Medicaid

Amanpour: oh I hope so

Graham: no other nation will trust us until we increase the retirement age

Amanpour: should we cut nuclear weapons?

Albright: yes we should cut them for other nations

Amanpour: Linds can we ratify START?

Graham: yes but first need an incredibly wasteful useless expensive missile defense system

Amanpour: Our puppet President in Afghanistan seems not to love America

Graham: We had a lovely dinner with me and
McCain and Hamid and We Own The Night!!

Amanpour: how nice

Graham: the security raids are going great and we must keep Night Ranger on the table

Amanpour: can we bring troops home in 2011?

Graham: yes but first we must win!!

Amanpour: I get it

Graham: it would be nice to have 2 airbases there permanently - is that too much to ask??

Albright: we should stay there until we train the Afghans properly to love us

Amanpour: how do you do that?

Albright: they’re Afghans - use a Dog Whisperer

Amanpour: or a Native Whisperer

Amanpour: Lindy are you a tea party isolationist?

Graham: I am an internationalist hawk - I believe Sunnis and Shia should marry each other as long
as they’re straight or hide it

Amanpour: that makes sense

Graham: I would like to add that we should attack Iran

Amanpour: but the tea party!!

Graham: they’re idiots - if we don’t invade Iran there will be Sharia law in Oklahoma

Albright: good god

[ break ]

Amanpour: isn’t it terrible that this debt is ruining American foreign policy?

Cote: Oh yes it’s so so sad

Amanpour: people keep yammering on and on about jobs going overseas

Cote: those jackwagons need stop whining

Conrad: we need to shock Americans

Amanpour: through draconian cuts?

Conrad: no I mean actual electroshock

Amanpour: should we eliminate tax deductions and cut taxes for the rich

Conrad: abusive tax shelters are a bit of a problem

Amanpour: Paul Krugman says the latest proposal is just a giveaway to the rich

Cote: this is not a time for arguing about who is getting rich and getting poor - this is a time for agreeing that we should slash tax rates for the very wealthy

Conrad: Social Security will go broke in 2027!

Amanpour: Greenspan says we should weaken
our currency even more

Cote: look I’m just a rich fate white CEO

Amanpour: so you know everything

Cote: Obama prevented a Depression and should get more credit

Amanpour: We have scary troops in South Korea - how could we not get a trade deal?

Conrad: Obama finally said no to them - yeah!

Amanpour: but the Germans were mean to us and frankly they scare me

Conrad: excuse me we did those krauts a little favor in 1945 and they should remember that

Amanpour: what was that?

Conrad: we got the damm French out of their hair
- a little gratitude would be nice

Amanpour: bien sur

Sunday, November 07, 2010

60 Minutes with Barack Obama - Nov. 7, 2010

Kroft: The GOP says the election was a referendum on you and the Democrats

Obama: no it was a referendum on a really sucky economy

Kroft: wasn’t it a rejection of your leadership?

Obama: hey we had to spend a lot of money to fix the Bush economy

Kroft: so you’re a Big Government socialist

Obama: no I just didn’t communicate that we were in an emergency requiring we send a trillion dollars to Wall Street bankers

Kroft: voters want smaller government

Obama: but first they want jobs and growth

Kroft: are you saying people don’t hate government ?

Obama: no I’m sure they do -- so do I

Kroft: why did women and blacks stay home or vote for the GOP which traditionally hate them

Obama: because unemployment rose after I was sworn in

Kroft: The Beltway changed you from a hopeless idealist to a corrupt cynic

Obama: that’s not right - but I was too focused on getting things done

Kroft: the Tea Partiers are you from 2 years ago

Obama: hey accomplishing change is really hard to do

Kroft: oh?

Obama: yeah this town is full of a lot of special interests and some real assholes

Kroft: you've lost you're edge

Obama: this city will crush you soul Steve!

Kroft: how have you been compromised?

Obama: I agreed to outrageous spending to get real reform

Kroft: you mean earmarks

Obama: right - maybe I can work with these lunatics to really change Washington

Kroft: do you have any regrets

Obama: look first I addressed the economy and then I did health care because it was risky but necessary

Kroft: what went wrong

Obama: I thought if we offered a bill introduced by Republicans then they might vote for it

Kroft: oh you are so so naive

Obama: heh dude I know

Kroft: is the recession over?

Obama: technically maybe but not for people who are unemployed

Kroft: like dozens of Democratic politicians

Obama: exactly

Kroft: do you get discouraged?

Obama: every damm day steve-o

Kroft: what can you do

Obama: ask the Republicans to pay for infrastructure which will benefit their constituents

Kroft: but the GOP are not interested in that

Obama: I know

Kroft: what is the deal with the tea party?

Obama: we have a great tradition of rebellion and that’s nice but some people think government is pretty useful

Kroft: interesting

Obama: we shall see if they are tools of corporate interests or not

Kroft: what do you think of the GOP leaders

Obama: we’ve always been cordial

Kroft: but they call you the Kenyan Hitler

Obama: true but I said Boehner was a color not found in nature

Kroft: well that is true

Obama: no I once had an Indonesian apricot that was the same hue

Kroft: Bush signed a law which would automatically raise taxes so are you willing to cut them or not raise them for rich people like me and you

Obama: should we borrow $700 billion from our grandchildren to give really really rich people a tax cut?

Kroft: maybe we could build a time machine and get their permission

Obama: look I like rich people too but we just don’t have the money

Kroft: but the GOP runs Congress now

Obama: where is the money??

Kroft: Boehner says we should cut money for poor people to pay tax cuts for the rich

Obama: yeah that sounds like him

Kroft: we’re not talking about rich people - we’re talking about struggling small business people who make $300,000 a year

Obama: good god

Kroft: you’re anti-business

Obama: no I’m pro-consumer

Kroft: businesses need to know what government will do in the future forever

Obama: that’s crazy

Kroft: I know

Obama: it’s important to write rules to restrain bankers and insurers

Kroft: progressives think you’ve lost you’re mojo

Obama: I was so focused on getting things done I forgot to sell it better

Kroft: are a sell-out?

Obama: liberals need to realize some of this country is conservative and always will be and no amount of magic will change that

Kroft: you’re on television more than the Sham Wow guy

Obama: some people only watch The View

Kroft: oh my

Obama: I’m reaching women with daytime tv, the young people with the Daily Show, and the super-elderly with 60 Minutes

Kroft: what is next for you?

Obama: Michelle and I will be contestants on The Amazing Race

Kroft: what have you learned about yourself and the American people

Obama: I’ve learned that the people are suffering greatly and so am I

Kroft: good luck with that

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - November 7, 2010

This Week
Sen-Elect Rand Paul (R-KY)
Mike Pence (R-IN)
Evan Bayh
John Podesta
Mike Dowd
George Will
Amy Walter

Amanpour: Hi everyone - the Republicans have their biggest majority in the House since the 1940s

Amanpour: today we have prominent tea party loon Rand Paul - what is your big issue?

Paul: the debt

Amanpour: oh?

Paul: indeed - Republicans doubled the debt and Democrats triple the debt it's so so sad

Amanpour: so how will you balance the budget?

Paul: Constitutional amendment

Amanpour: how realistic

Paul: also a rule requiring spending cuts

Amanpour: ok then

Paul: the GOP won’t cut defense and liberals won’t cut health care

Amanpour: would you cut defense

Paul: sure

Amanpour: how about entitlements?

Paul: absolutely

Amanpour: would you raise the retirement age?

Paul: we have too many lazy old people retiring

Amanpour: will you repeal health care reform?

Paul: it’s unconstitutional!

Amanpour: what about raising taxes

Paul: oh no no

Amanpour: but I thought you wanted to cut the debt

Paul: all we have to do is introduce a balanced budget

Amanpour: what is the Tea Party foreign policy?

Paul: a big powerful expensive defense
and lower debt

Amanpour: could you name some specific cuts?

Paul: freeze federal hiring and cut federal salaries

Amanpour: anything more specific?

Paul: there are lots of books about there

Amanpour: oh there are?

Paul: indeed we should stop printing so many - reading is overrated

Amanpour: good idea Rand

Paul: in Kentucky we balance the budget

Amanpour: how do you do that?

Paul: at the end of the year everyone digs in their couches for spare change

Amanpour: will you vote to raise the debt ceiling?

Paul: no

Amanpour: but then the U.S. will default

Paul: luckily no one likes me so my vote won’t matter

Amanpour: so will you have any influence in Congress?

Paul: we’re the Tea Party - we’re loud and proud

Amanpour: can the tea party compromise with Democrats?

Paul: sure - let’s cut defense

Amanpour: but what about all our fun wars?

Paul: I’m patriotic but I’m starting to wonder whether all these wars are all they’re cracked up to be

Amanpour: oh dear

[ break ]

Amanpour: Mike Pence are you running for President and if so are you crazy

Pence: I will consult with my family and the Lord

Amanpour: Rush Limbaugh?

Pence: that’s right

Amanpour: Dave Stockman what is the Big Lie?

Stockman: both parties have both become Free Lunchers

Amanpour: oh noe

Stockman: the debt is out of control

Pence: in this week Americans rejected liberalism and bailouts

Amanpour: but Republicans were behind the bailout

Pence: maybe but that was before - Republicans
are now against all domestic spending

Amanpour: how interesting

Stockman: criminy we put the GOP in charge and they wrecked everything - we need to take on Grannies, the Pentagon, and Scooter Manufacturers

Pence: the Axis of Evil

Stockman: we have a Credit Card Empire

Amanpour: what is that?

Stockman: its like a Boardwalk Empire after you’ve gone into a casino

Pence: we have to cut spending right now that a black Democrat is President

Stockman: we should raise taxes

Pence: no, no, no anything but that

Stockman: we can’t police the world with this deficit

Pence: if we raise taxes the rich will Go Galt and take the job-creating abilities to the Cayman Islands

Stockman: the Chinese are coming to take us over

Amanpour: why is so much American wealth going to the very rich?

Pence: hey those rich people create all the jobs - those people should get down on their knee and be grateful for the crumbs they get

Stockman: what a shithead

Amanpour: what happens now?

Podesta: Republicans have to offer real ideas

Amanpour: will there be compromise?

Podesta: no

Dowd: the voters want action and results
so Congress and the White House will have to work together

Bayh: well that’s easy to say but the good moderates keep getting pushed aside by the bad activists

Dowd: Obama must credibly reach across the aisle - he has the megaphone therefore this is all his fault

Amanpour: what did all 100 million voters say Amy?

Walter: they said ‘we hate moderates - we want polarization!’

Amanpour: really?

Walter: no they were saying ‘we want jobs’

Amanpour: I hear that

Will: liberals are under the delusion that they improved the economy

Podesta: they did

Amanpour: interesting

Podesta: but now that Obama has fixed the economy he must cut the debt

Bayh: voters want bland boring moderates with
no principles

Amanpour: how lucky for you

Bayh: yay me

Amanpour: now that Warren Buffet has embraced liberal ideas are progressive policies dead?

Podesta: Obama must offer Republicans something they want like a a payroll holiday or Fox News
in every home

Dowd: or the GOP could offer spending cuts

Bayh: voters care about one thing: cutting spending and the debt

Amanpour: I didn’t know that

Bayh: look at the UK they’re doing great with their austerity program

Will: the GOP care about the debt but they really care about lower taxes for rich people

Amanpour: are there any women left in politics?

Walter: sure Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi, Michelle Bachmann and Nikki Haley

Amanpour: oh my - should the Dems reelect Pelosi

Podesta: yes the GOP are scared of her

Bayh: um what [ staring at self in monitor ]