Saturday, May 31, 2008

Democratic Party Rules Committee Meeting - May 31, 2008

DNC Rules Meeting
Subject: Florida and Michigan
Washington, DC
May 31, 2008

Alice Huff: i know this is against the rules but rules were made to be broken - and I know this could cause problems in 2012 but by then i could be dead

Other person: Rules are rules and rules must be followed or they're not rules

Other other person: this won't pass and that saddens me because we a party of inclusion

[ yay!! ]

Germond: When we wrote the rules we made sure they had meat and beef and force - dammit these were beauty contests and that tough because Hillary is attractive but Obama is handsome too

Germond: we believe in rules and to ignore the rules to be like George W. Bush!

[ ooooooh ]

Ickes: i wrote these fuckin' rules and even i don't what the fuck is going on - except that damm young black man is p0wng me

Pasquil: Rules are rules except when they are not rules

Herman: vote carries by 2/3 !!!

psych! just the vote to close debate

[ ooooooh ]

Herman: all in favor


Herman: where was all this enthusiasm in 2000 goddamit?

Herman: all opposed say Boooooo


Herman: quiet please!


Herman: what the fuck are those weirdos saying?

Wolf: they are saying “Denver” -- apparently there are many Bronco fans here

Black Guy: in light of Obama's awesomeness i move that each pledged delegate can only cast 3/5 of a vote and in addition each delegate shall be made to wear a dashiki or a pink pantsuit at all times on the floor of the convention

Huff: you sneaky motherfucker!!!

Huff: what this party needs is unity


Huff: you are about to the best of this party in action

[ cue porno music ]

Huff: hey protestors shut the goddam fuck up and act like grownups instead of little kids


Ickes: i'll take half a loaf

Herman: gee i wonder if this was planned in advance

Ickes: hey i wore my 'regular guy' shirt

Herman: all in favor of Unity 08 Compromise clap your hands and say yeah

[ YEAH !! ]

Herman: seems unanimous to me

Michigan delegate: i move Michigan gets divided - hillary gets the palm and Obama gets the fingers and thumb

Fowler: my first choice was hillary clinton and i know harold ickes and i love him and that night was very special but i must move back in with my wife

Ickes: this is not my day dammitt

Ickes: we find this body's support for hillary clinton's former position inexplicable

Herman: uh huh

Ickes: this will hijack delegates just like a terrorist and this body is just a bunch of fascists and stealing votes from 600,000 - that's not democracy

Herman: no democracy is an election where only one person is on the ballot

Ickes: you bet your sweet ass


Ickes: yeah you bet your ass the election was fucking flawed

Dawson: watch your language motherfucker

Ickes: you want a piece of me shitface?

Dawson: right now dickwad

Ickes: Hijacker!!

Fowler: i love that man

Ickes: fuck your fucking unity and shove it up your goddamm fucking ass

[ YAYYYYYY!!!!!! ]

Ickys: oh by they way if Hillary doesn't win she won't abide by your decision

Member: holy crap that guy really is a dick isn't he

Protestor: what about Iowa???

Counter-Protestor: shut up!!

Protestor: you shut up!!

[tv audience: ]

[yep this sounds like the Democratic party i know and love ]

Black Guy: Fuck harold ickes and his shitty selective amnesia and i hope he takes his lying ass back to political oblivion

Smith: i had my hand up!

Chair: didn't you see you white lady

Smith: fuck you fat man

Smith: i've been a democrat all my life by i just discovered that we have to support all the delegates in Michigan it makes me very very sad

Chair: thank you for your concern

Chair: motion carries


Chair: please please please


Chair: watch me looney


Chair: and now on to new business - all in favor of cold cuts and fruit salad at the next meeting vote yeah

Sunday, May 25, 2008

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - May 25, 2008

This Week With George Stephanopoulos
May 25, 2008
Guest: David Axelrod

Stephanopoulos: dave you know that Hillary wasn't really saying Clinton wasn't hoping that Obama be assassinated right dood

AxelRod: yeah but even she admitted it was pretty bad

Steph: yeah but you loved stirring this pot

AxelRod: let's move on we've gotten enough mileage out of it

Steph: Hillary says today she has lost the math but is still better than Obama

AxelRod: yeah she also counts phantom votes from Michigan

Steph: she says he is more popular than he is

AxelRod: well this isn't American Idol -- after all the wrong guy won that too

Steph: Mich and Florida are two of our more fucked up states

AxelRod: indeed they are - but we have to throw the crazies a bone

Steph: when do you wrap this up?

AxelRod: either June or September

Steph: she says she is better than you nationally

AxelRod: not true - look at Virginia or California or Ohio

Steph: 25% of Democrats hate you

AxelRod: McCain doesn't even have an opponent and he can't win 70% - it's sad

Steph: you lost Kentucky and West Virginia

AxelRod: that's ok Obama is going to run with that banjo-playing kid from Deliverance -- that will put us over the top

Steph: wow big news

AxelRod: ding ding ding ding ding....

Steph: Feinstein says you should run with Hillary

AxelRod: nope - we have women who know about the high price of milk

Steph: Got Milk?


Steph: Hillary fans will stay home cause Obama is sexist

A-Rod: well I hope they are happy when Roe v Wade is overturned

Steph: McCain says Obama should get a drivers license before he becomes president

A-Rod: this coming from a guy whose family won't let him drive the family car

Steph: why, too old?

A-Rod: no the jangling keys scare him

[ break ]

Steph: hello Karl and congrats for staying out of prison

Karl Rove: McCain is old but Obama is about change

Steph: play concern troll for me

Rove: Obama is a hypocrite he should spend the summer working with Republicans passing legislation

Steph: that's ridiculous why would the GOP give him legislation in middle of 2008

Rove: ok let him put a Republican on the ticket

Steph: you're full of great ideas

Steph: what about McCain?

Rove: he has to be the change and reform candidate

Steph: Huggy Bear???

Rove: he must fake it like my wife does

Steph: he's screwed isn't he?

Rove: no he must authentically play the fear and race card

Steph: even Mike Murphy told McCain to stop acting like an jerk

Rove: that's Nagourney he's an asshole

Steph: what else does he need to do

Rove: get 4 decades younger

Steph: the GOP is toxic and radioactive

Rove: these things wax and wane but people are basically conservative

Steph: they just hate karl rove and george bush

Rove: eeeeeek

Steph: you're losing seats left and right

Rove: true but lets put this in context we only lost because the Dems pointed out that the GOP is totally corrupt not that our ideas are bad

Steph: this is all your fault isn't it?

Rove: our hopes lie with John Boehner

Steph: omg you are truly fucked

Rove: hey i won my elections - fuck the younger generation

Steph: you conspired to put Don Siegelman in prison and now they are going after you piggy

Rove: oh c'mon all the people accused of crimes have denied it

Steph: that's not persuasive

Rove: well how about I argue separation of powers applies here

Steph: that allows you to commit crimes?

Rove: we offered to meet with Congress in secret and sadly they said no

Steph: ok tell me the truth about Don Siegelman

Rove: i learned that he was convicted from the newspaper

Steph: so you are not denying you broke the law, ruined the Justice department, and put innocent people in prison

Rove: who me?

Steph: yeah, dipshit you

Rove: well then no

MEET THE PRESS - May 25, 2008

Meet The Press
Tim Russert and Assorted D.C. pundits
MoDo, Parson Meachem, Doris Footnote Goodwin, Xian Brody, Gwen Ifill
May 25, 2008

Russert: omg Hillary hopes Obama get killed!!

Goodwin: in her defense her analogy was completely wrong plus its clear her people have been hoping he blows up with another revelation like a crazy Reverend or a black child

Dowd: indeed they are hoping something terrible happens to him

Ifill: I fear it all the time so yeah it was disturbing

Meachem: you can't go wrong with good "meaning of is is" joke

Panel: HA HA HA HA

Meachem: she is hoping disaster befalls the nominee

Russert: you gotta have hope

Parson Jon: she is Reagan in '76

Timmy: Obama could be within 12 delegates in a week

Brody: he's got two opposition research teams attacking him at once

Russert: but he hasn't been vetted yet

Brody: right

Timmy: has she earned the right to be V.P.??

Marcus: yeah talking about Bobby's assassination is just the way to earn the invitation

Question: is Bill Clinton a pain in the ass?

Obama: that's not what i heard

Audience: ha ha ha

Obama: look i'm a pragmatist and Doris Goodwin plagiarized a good book called 'Team of Rivals' about Lincoln and even though he was named Abraham he took some non-jews in his cabinet so I might take some non-muslims

Goodwin: good idea you want the enemies pissing out as LBJ would say

Russert: Maureen is it all sexism??

Dowd: pure Poppy Cock

Russert: What does George Herbert Walker Bush have to do with this?

Dowd: she also resorts to sexism when she fails - she's like a prettier Al Sharpton

Russert: did she lose because of sexism?

Marcus: she was playful and tough and won't be the nominee because ran a bad campaign

Brody: now that she has lost to play the sexism card is whiny

Ifill: sexist!!!

Goodwin: resentment and victimhood looks bad for a woman who has accomplished so much

Russert: which is it - is she more electable than Obama or a victim of national rampant national sexism?

Meachem: god go with her

Tim: what the fuck parson Jon?

Meachem: i am not a racist or sexist i just happen to always vote for white men

Brody: this race ended in Iowa

Russert: wow

Brody: they blew it with the caucuses

Tim: that's not sexism its competence

Dowd: they helped write the rules and they still blew tens of millions of dollars

Ifill: the black voters were originally with her too

Tim: can a black man win the presnit

Meacham: in theory yes - in reality no

Tim: what the fuck does that mean parson

Jon: Obama scores on the race resentment index

Tim: what's that

Meachem: the Scary Black Man Score

Ifill: hell i'm queasy too

Parson Jon: this is why McCain is still doing well after all he is a real American

Ifill: we have to talk about race in America

Meachem: we have an Open Letter to Obama from Harold Ford about how to win over voters

Tim: didn't he lose?

Meachem: that's what makes him so perfect for Newsweek

Ifill: what about McCain

Meachem: he's a Saint

Goodwin: people don't even know his momma was white

Tim: they think he's a muslim!!!

Brody: Obama is having Family Faith outreach discussion it's about family

Tim: what is that code for?

Brody: christian law

Marcus: he's all about faith McCain is an atheist

Tim: which faith the muslim or the other one?

Marcus: both

Tim: but McCain is reaching out the family values crowd by seeking the endorsement of neo-Nazis

Dowd: yeah you can bash Catholics but not embrace Hitler

Brody: well he's in trouble now Hitler is very popular with the Republican base

Tim: will McCain pick Bobby Jindal

Ifill: give me a fucking break we have nothing to report on this summer what else would be do

Tim: spend time with our families?

Panel: Ha Ha Ha Ha

Meachem: speaking of Henry II....

Tim: shut up you pretentious twit

McCain: i was a POW!!

Goodwin: hey Lincoln and FDR were not soldiers either

McCain: will not use my opponents youth and inexperience against him

Obama: fuck that shit

Dowd: McCain has a problem he's a fucking jerk

Brody: he can't be commander in chief because of Rezco and Jeremiah Wright

Ifill: Response: McBush!!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Meet The Press with Jim Webb - May 18, 2008

Meet The Press
May 18, 2008
Guest: Sen. Jim Webb

Russert: you are undecided that's craaaaaazy!!!

Webb: i'm cool but coy

Russert: do you want to be Veep?

Webb: who me, nah

Russert: but you wouldn't say no

Webb: well no

Russert: Bush says this is just like when Nazi tanks crossed into Poland when clearly ignoring Hitler worked so well

Webb: that's right doing nothing while Hitler built up his military while talking tough clearly worked wonders

Russert: bush is genius

Webb: clearly

Russert: you say people still think of the Dems as the anti-military party and teh GOP treats soldiers as political tools

Webb: i lived the military dream and the Dems treated veterans as victims and GOP treated soldiers as if they were all Rambo types who existed to support Republican fantasies

Russert: well don’t they?

Webb: well if they are how about giving them the same rights as soldiers from WWII

Russert: yeah but they were the greatest generation and the current soldiers are video game-playing slackers

Webb: that’s their best argument

Russert: but the GOP wear flag pins!!

Webb: they say it’s too expensive but they love stop-loss

Russert: President Bush says we can't let soldiers leave we must keep them trapped in the military to keep America a free country

Webb: soldiers serve because they love their country but they won't serve if they are treated like shit

Russert: yes we on Nantucket are worried about that

Russert: anyone who doesn't want to keep US soldiers in a middle east civil war is weak

Webb: that is so fucking stupid

Russert: war is peace!

Webb: asshole

Russert: you have three tats

Webb: i heard you have three tits

Russert: ah the Russert family legacy

This Week with George Stephanopolous - May 18, 2008

This Week with George Stephanopolous
May 18, 2008
Sen. Joe Biden
Rep. John Boehner

Stephanopolous: Bush went to the Knesset and bashed Hitler and you said the President is full of shit

Biden: lets call it what it is - demeaning to the Presidency

Steph: he says he wasn't talking about Barack

Biden: well his people says he was

Steph: who among us doesn't dislike Hitler

Biden: yes and the President in his interview with Politico says he doesn't like to go the middle east just to get cheap applause

McCain [on tape]: it's reckless to talk with Iran!

Biden: hey I met with Khaddafi and while a vicious terrorist he was actually a very charming guy

Steph: and a snappy dresser

Biden: bush went on Jeopardy with Kim Jong Il

Steph: sounds like you are calling it hypocrisy

Biden: i am trying to be polite so I will just call it horseshit

Steph: but teh Iranians are evil!

Biden: well Bush should fire Bob Gates then

Steph: but talking is weak!!

Biden: bush has failed at every level - look Iran is about to build a bomb what's he going to do about that??

Steph: grandstand until they surrender?

Biden: yeah that will work

Steph: but Obama is so naive!!

Biden: Bush is a cheap smear artist who has to hide in the Knesset

Steph: oooooh

Steph: why not endorse Obama?

Biden: hillary is the most powerful woman in politics and I’m afraid of her

Steph: what about Pelosi?

Biden: no i mean literally powerful - Hillary can bench press like 200 pounds


Steph: Boehner you guys really suck

Boner: all the people get from the Dems are broken promises but the GOP never makes promises except to fuck people over which we do

Steph: fair enough

Boner: we learned our lesson from now one we will pretend to care about people

Steph: people hate you and Bush

Boner: this isn't about our past fuck-ups it's about the fuck-ups we will make in the future

Steph: you are losers

Boner: gas prices - the Pelosi premium!

Steph: you're kidding

Boner: no i'm a liberal me and Ted Kennedy are best friends

Steph: what about George W Bush?

Boner: never heard of him


Monday, May 12, 2008

The Daily Show with John Stewart - Guest: Douglas Feith - May 12, 2008

The Daily Show with John Stewart
Guest: Douglas Feith
May 12, 2008

Stewart: did you lie to kill 4,000 Americans

Feith: no I am very stupid but not a liar

Stewart: oh ok

Feith: true invading Iraq was very risky

Stewart: ah you also lied about how safe it was going to be

Feith: no you're forgetting how stupid i am - see I also was dumb about all that too

Stewart: you seem really, really stupid

Feith: not just me - Rumsfeld and Bush too

Feith: looking back i admit we were wrong about one thing - saying Iraq had WMD and that we would be greeted as liberators

Stewart: now that sounds like lying and deception to sell a product and killing people

Feith: oh sure you remember we tried to sell the war because it went really badly - but if the war had gone well i would be writing a book right now reminding people that we were really against the war

Stewart: all due respect Stupid i think i remember you guys selling this war like it was the Superbowl with blowjobs and orgasms

Feith: now that sounds fun - do you want a job

Stewart: c'mon didn't you sell this war with a pack of lies

Feith: well sure looking back we told lies but the lies were only clear in hindsight

Stewart: i don't believe you just fucked up

Feith: no no no - i disagree i believe this administration is mostly morons

Stewart: really?

Feith: The Bush administration is like Wagner -- it's better than it sounds

Stewart: but not as much fun to be around

Feith: that's why i wrote the book - to get my revisionst lies out there

Stewart: good luck with that dumbass

Feith: George Bush is like me and my golden retriever - dumb but loyal

Stewart: you guys totally invented the Iraq threat and mobilized this country for war with great effort

Feith: oh you're just assuming we wanted war

Stewart: i am - but in this case you had to work had to make a case for war

Feith: no you must understand - we don't *think* at all

Stewart: um, what?

Feith: look after 9/11 George Bush decided the best way to prevent another 9/11 was to invent a case against Iraq because he once tried to his daddy

Stewart: why didn't you focus on diplomacy?

Feith: we tried that - it was a lovely nanosecond

Feith: diplomacy failed when Saddam let the inspectors in and we realized he was not serious about war and cheated by agreeing to our demands

Stewart: but you lied

Feith: we had to lie because after 9/11 we need to prevent another 9/11 by attacking coutries before they ever thought of attacking us

Stewart: don't you see how immoral that kind of lying is

Feith: no i really don't

Stewart: well fuck off ya fuckin war criminal


Meet The Press- May 11, 2008

Meet The Press
May 11, 2008
Guests: Sen. Chris Dodd and Terry McAuliffe

Russert: welcome Sen. Dodd

Dodd: happy mother's day Timmy

Tim: ok dood

Russert: Obama is kicking ass Dodd

Dodd: yes it's over now and i know that Bill and Hillary love the party and this country and so will support Obama soon

Russert: but they are still running in West Virginia

Dodd: the question is does Hillary love America enough to help the Democrats win in the fall and stop sliming Obama

Russert: you once said something mildly critical about Obama

Dodd: please this dood ran circles around me and he knows all about nuclear weapons and shit

Russert: Terry McAuliffe even Rahm Emmanuel thinks Hillary Clinton is toast

McAuliffle: no no no if you count Michigan Hillary could be the nominee

Russert: you couldn't vote for Obama in Michigan if you wanted to

McAuliffe: that was his choice he did that to appease those fuckers in Iowa

Russert: like how Hillary said Michigan could go to hell

McAuliffe: that was a compliment -- after all that would be an improvement for much of Michigan

Russert: true

McAuliffe: we've been through this nightmare for 17 months - so let's keep going!!!

Russert: have you considered therapy Terry?

McAuliffe: it's not impossible! She can still win!! She's like the Buffalo Bills!!

Russert: how on earth can she possibly win??

McAuliffe: an act of God!!!

Russert: Hillary has pointed out that Obama is black and lazy

McAuliffe: no no no - she was quoting the racist Associated Press and for example i was reading the White Power web site this morning and they said because Obama is descended from mud people he can't win a general election

Russert: interesting point Terry

McAuliffe: I thought so

Russert: she implied blacks are lazy

McAuliffe: she was quoting the AP

Russert: no she wasn't

McAuliffe: she was paraphrasing

Russert: even Rangel said that she was dumb

McAuliffe: look we have to win the 2008 election if we have to play the race card then we will

Tim: I can tell

McAuliffe: within 3 weeks of the middle of June this will be over

Russert: can he win white ethnics?

McAuliffe: Tim if your father was still alive he would get drunk if was watching this on tv

Russert: Big Russ is still alive dood

McAuliffe: oh i was thinking of the Clinton campaign

Russert: terry when you were Chair you took away all of the delegates of renegade states

McAuliffe: you can't deny that millions of people voted in an election where only Hillary was on the ballot

Russert: the very height of democracy

Russert: are the Cintons willing to build a bonfire out of $11 million

McAuliffe: nothing is impossible!

Russert: will you pay all your debts??

McAuliffe: a million people with pitchforks from West Virginia and Kentucky and Puerto Rico could rise and seize the USA by force

Russert: no offense but you seem psychotic

McAuliffe: your dad said in your book that nothing is impossible and you must fight against all odds

Russert: no he didn't

McAuliffe: Yeaaaaarrrrhhhhh!!!!!!

Russert: how on earth did the skinny black muslim beat you??

McAuliffe: he won Iowa and it was smooth sailing there for Mr Cool

Russert: should you have skipped Iowa?

McAuliffe: no that would be gaming the system we want to fight everywhere

Russert: well good luck crazy person

[ Break ]

Russert: is Obama the nominee

Panel: yes yes yes yes

Clizza: the Clintons have been counted out again and again so that's one reason why they are still in it

Norris: they invented the idea of coming-in-second as winning

Russert: they could lose $11 million!

Harwood: yeah but bill and hillary could just write another book - poor Mark Penn is the one in real trouble

Russert: that's why Obama will host fundraisers for the Mark Penn charity

Harwood: yeah that'll happen

Russert: running mate??

Norris: they believe they can win Republican voters back

Russert: hillary wouldn't help?

Norris: not much

Cilizza: the dood is running on change! But you can send a strong message on change in America by putting a crazy man on the ticket like Gov. Ted Strickland

Norris: hillary says he Obama is losing among hard working americans but she has lost blacks and lazy people

Russert: how did this skinny black Kenyan win??

Timmy: it turns out America is not her place and she trashed the place

Harwood: also Obama is a once in a lifetime politician the man has mad political skillz

Cilizza: look at the gas tax - total dishonest pandering and this time people saw George W. Clinton

McCain: Obama is a muslim terrorist

Obama: he's losing his bearings

McCain Spokesman: he's just pointing out that McCain is too old to President

Obama: i never said that - why would you?
[end clip]

Seib: this sounds crazy i know but this debate may be about actual issues -- lucky for them the Republicans have a huge advantage on national security issue

Russert: oh of course

Hardwood: the media is out to get John McCain

[ bust of laughter ]

Norris: the next President can solve all of our problems by sitting down both parties in the Roosevelt Room and telling them to agree

Harwood: John McCain is a not a flat earth looney and Obama is not a communist

Russert: that's too bad

Cilizza: also bear in mind the Republican party is completely fucked

Russert: trouble me not with such stories pretty boy

The Chris Matthews Show - May 11, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
May 11, 2008

Matthews: omg how does Obama win back whites and women?!?!?

Hillary: only lazy blacks supports him

Heileman: she can't deliver the archie bunker vote - anyway he's been classy this whole campaign so he can win people back

Mathews: but my white female friends are very bitter

Allen: hey the dood is part-white

Matthews: i agree with you Ron but you are wrong

Kay: i think she will support Obama otherwise she will look like a total crybaby

Cottle: there is no policy gap there is only the white woman, the black man, and the crazy anti abortionist

Matthews: isn't Obama responsible for the oppression of all women everywhere??

Cottle: yes but now as a woman she must stand by her man

Heileman: she needs to salvage her reputation

Tweety: but Reagan killed Gerald Ford and it helped him - nice guys finish last

Heileman: but those were Republicans -- they are happily evil

Tweety: Hillary is very popular among working class whites - can she deliver Ohio??

Cottle: no that was just against the elitist black man -- your argument is completely stupid

Tweety: i never thought of that

Heileman: do want to the Clintons inside the tent smearing out - or outside the tent sliming in?

Matthews: what will Hillary do now - does she wants to live a fancy town like Albany

Heileman: no way

Matthews: what's the downside to being Governor?

Heileman: Albany is sheer hell

Matthews: there are some nice areas

Heileman: those ARE the nice areas

Matthews: what about become another Scoop Jackson or LBJ

Kay: the friction between her and Dodd is to difficult

Allen: what about Obama hating on her

Matthews: what do you think

Allen: i don't know

Heileman: look guys she really really believes Obama is going to lose in November so that's her plan

Tweety: and she's been right about everything so far

Tweety: Tell me something I don't know

Allen: Obama claims victory after Oregon

Cottle: Cat Fight!

Heileman: your new nickname is Gossamer

Matthews: biggest mistake of the Clinton campaign

Kay: running to the right in the primary - whoops!

Allen: running an old fashioned campaign hey we have teh Internets now

Cottle: running on competence instead of change

Heileman: running a micro-campaign: men know that never works

Tweety: supporting the Iraq war


Sunday, May 04, 2008

Meet The Press - with Barack Obama - May 4, 2008

Meet the Press
Host: Tim Russert
May 4, 2008
Guest: Sen. Barack Obama

Russert: talk to me about your crazy Revered

Obama: look when i joined the church i was committing to Jesus Christ not the cult of Rev Right and when he married me and michelle he didn't yell out "I nao pronuonce you man and wife now kiss the bride and goddamm America!!!!!"

Russert: why did he pop up again

Obama: he's fuckin’ crazy and craves teh spotlight

Russert: he's a looney

Obama: oh i know

Russert: but i'm confused why didn't you disown him earlier

Obama: he's like my white granny - she's crazy too

Russert: i have one like that - she's hates the irish

Obama: i though you were irish

Russert: yeah but the men in my family are a bunch of fuckwits

Russert: but Rev. Right said hate speech on 9/11 when he said our chickens came home to roost

Obama: Bush says the same thing all the time

Russert: yeah but he's like a cowboy - it's so cool

Obama: i get it fat timmy

Russert: but he attacked America

Obama: yes no one in the history of this country has ever said something critical of the USA

Russert: not while wearing a dashiki and wagging his finger

Obama: ah now we have put the proverbial finger on it

Russert: he's not a blue collar Reagan Democrat - they can bash America all they want

Obama: I have gathered as much timster

Russert: ok let's move on a New Topic - what Rev. Right said in 2007

Obama: look he's an retired old man

Russert: you knew he's crazy and yet you didn't turn him into the police

Obama: that's true Tim

Russert: are you a black supremacist

Obama: look it's in my DNA that white and black can get along

Russert: but do you believe blacks are superior

Obama: talking to you Tim i do sometimes wonder

Russert: hey!

Obama: tiger woods jackie robinson bill russell michael jordan Jackie joyner kersee carl lewis jim brown

Russert: ok ok

Russert: will you appoint Wright Secretary of Hating Whitey

Obama: no of course not tim that's my wife's job

Russert: rev right has dominated the headlines

Obama: gee can't imagine why

Russert: you hate white people

Obama: i am part-white jackass

Russert: you look black to me

Obama: oh i know mr. russert - trust me i know

Russert: Do you hate america?

Obama: look Timmy my grandfather fought in WWII and my kenyan father came seeking an opportunity to plant his muslim seed here and have a son who would grow up to destroy America from within

Russert: really??

Obama: no dumbass

Russert: white people hate you

Obama: they like Hillary after all she's famous and i'm so dood with a funny name

Russert: yur out of touch with averge people

Obama: yes hillary is worth $100 million and i'm from a single mom and michelle's dad was a factory worker

Russert: your skin reminds me a of a latte

Obama: oh christ

Russert: blasphemer

Obama: you know what's sacreligous is your nantucket home

Russert: why do hate poor people who have to pay the gas tax

Obama: i have news for Senator Pander-ton -- $28 is not going to lift America out of poverty

Russert: but you once voted for the same thing

Obama: and it didn't work

Russert: so you changed your mind

Obama: yes

Russert: well that is crazy

Obama: look even hillary's people say this is only to get her through indiana - it's unserious pure politics

Russert: but john mccain gave me a hummer!

Obama: TMI Tim

Russert: food is expensive and Timmy needs to eats!!!

Obama: don't single out Ethanol besides we can use prarie grass

Russert: when do i get a flying car??

Obama: well Bush is president so until i get sworn in your are stuck with the SUVs

Russert: should we nuke indiana

Obama: well i was in Gary recently and honestly it wouldn't change it very much

Russert: but we use too much coal

Obama: we are the Saudi Arabia of Coal

Russert: and we are the Breadbasket of Bullshit

Obama: yee haw

Russert: hypothetically if Iran was about to attack Indianapolis would you favor attacking them first

Obama: Iran or Indianapolis?

Russert: Hmmm - Indianapolis

Obama: look Iran has the won Iraq war and we're not accomplishing anything

Russert: but the threat from Iran!

Obama: we should meet with them and tell them to stop meddling with the middle east

Russert: but the hypothetical genocide!!!

Obama: so that's why we invaded - to incite a genocide we must stay to prevent from happening?

Russert: makes sense to me

Hillary [on tape] : I will obliterate Iran!!

Obama: Hillary W. Bush, geez

Russert: but will you respond to this non-existent hypothetical threat???

Obama: iran doesn't even had nukes!

Russert: in my mind they do

Russert: should we have an umbrella of space nukes hovering over saudi arabia?

Obama: i am slightly troubled by this conversation given that is it is after all insane

Russert: just pick a country you would obliterate pleez

Obama: i would re-invade Afghanistan

Russert: well now we're getting somewhere

Obama: also Pakistan

Russert: awesome!

Obama: they need food for their people and we need to catch Osama

Russert: about the election - will indiana be the tie breaker?

Obama: i am trying to tap into the of core spirit of decency of the American people

Russert: holy crap you are screwed

Russert: what if they steal the nomination from you

Obama: i hate john mccain so i would campaign for teh democrats

Russert: but the superdelegates could vote for hillary

Obama: you're assuming they all want to vote her

Russert: of course - otherwise there's no story

Obama: yes i can see that

This Week With George Stephanopoulos with Hillary Clinton - May 4, 2008

This Week With George Stephanopoulos
May 4, 2008
Guest: Sen. Hillary Clinton

Stephanopoulos: Obama say you are pandering with this silly gas tax holiday idea

Clinton: no no i want the oil companies to pay the gas tax for the summer then they can go back to gouging people

Stephanopoulos: how would that work

Clinton: i would investigate OPEC and Exxon and bring the Hillary Hammer down!

Stephanopoulos: but the oil companies would make more money - that sounds stupid

Clinton: but americans in the middle class work really hard and i love them!!

Stephanopoulos: no economist thinks this a good idea

Clinton: oh sure you're ivory tower doods will say that but i will magically make the oil companies pay the extra

Stephanopoulos: is the holiday permanent?

Clinton: no just in the period while i am running against Obama

Stephanopoulos: it sounds stupid

Clinton: oh sure the latte-drinking elitists would say that

Audience: we have global warming and you want people to drive more!

Clinton: i have a long term plan and i want to have a good debate on whether Obama hates truck drivers

Stephanopoulos: 60% of people think you are dishonest

Clinton: people in NY know that i am not that honest but they are ok with that because i am a fighter

Stephanopoulos: interesting

Clinton: i know human nature

Stephanopoulos: like how

Clinton: you can't trust men - they will cheat on you!

Audience: can you stimulate our manufacturers

Clinton: we can't bring back our lost jobs but we can stop the bleeding

Stephanopoulos: like how

Clinton: stop rewarding companies for moving overseas

Stephanopoulos: wow that's crazy enough to work

Stephanopoulos: jobs are going to China and that was approved by the Clinton administration

Clinton: true but we had a ten year limit and we assumed Bill would be out of office by then

Stephanopoulos: but now you object

Clinton: yes but we have learned much since then

Stephanopoulos: like what

Clinton: we learned i want to be President

Stephanopoulos: but did the Clinton administration suck

Clinton: no you and i were both against NAFTA as you recall

Stephanopoulos: i can't say

Clinton: you're so adorable

Stephanopoulos: has Rev. Right donated to the Clinton Library?

Clinton: well Bill was the first black president

Stephanopoulos: you sold your donor list

Clinton: look that's all Bill - you know i can't control him

Stephanopoulos: if you could Gore would be working on his third term now

Clinton: i was born a poor black child unlike that privileged elitist Barack Obama

Audience: amen!

Clinton: my health care plan will help poor blacks and pre-schoolers and workers and white people and Hispanics and the middle class and students and-

Stephanopoulos: senator stop talking or i will be forced to use force

Clinton: please you could fit in my pocket

Stephanopoulos: if you overturn the pledged delegates and give Obama the shaft won't blacks be angry

Clinton: i'm ahead in the popular vote if you count Michigan

Stephanopoulos: his name wasn't even on the ballot in Michigan

Clinton: well that was his choice

Stephanopoulos: those were the rules

Clinton: fuck the rules

Stephanopoulos: you are a scary lady