Obama:
Good evening my fellow long-suffering Americans
I want to tell you we getting the hell out of the nightmare that is Iraq and we can finally focus
on the endless misery in America
Audience: woo
Now listen up world: we’re still America and we may have acted like idiots but don’t fuck with us!
World: ok ok
Ok now you all know that the result of the war is thousands of Americans were killed and wounded and our international relations were ruined -- but hey good news - our soldiers are the best in the fucking world! Give it up for our troops!
Audience: yay
Tonight I am announcing that the killing phase of our war in Iraq is finally over! Jesus Allah that was one sucky war!
We’ve moved 100,000 troops and all their shit out of Iraq.
And how about those Iraqi troops?! In took 7 years but they finally learned how to fight!
Audience: whee
Iraqis are even holding fair elections
- hey we should try that!
Audience: golf clap
Now don’t worry - we’re not leaving Iraq! We’re going to advise them on fighting and of course we’re protect our “civilians” - I sent Joe Biden there to remind them America never leaves - we just annoy other countries in new and different ways!
World: I hear that
Only Iraqis can police their streets! Well them
and Blackwater.
We paid a really high price to invade Iraq and dammit we should get something out of it!
That war really divided America but let’s not argue about who lied to who about a war
Today I spoke with former President Bush - and let me just say it was a very interesting conversation
Ok the man is stupid
Audience: true
Now is not the time to fight amongst ourselves - Osama is hiding in a cave somewhere threatening Americans!
Now we are going on the motherfuckin offense! We’re going to kick some Taliban ass!! Surge, fuckers!
Audience: USA!
But then we gotta get the hell out of there - look I’m no fool and open ended war is a one-ticket to disaster. Christ we can’t just invade every place where we’re not loved. I mean we don’t have enough troops to occupy France anyway
Audience: damm
Speaking of Bush disasters, as you know we neglected infrastructure, manufacturing, education, the debt, and the economy for 10 years.
Audience: bummer
Our soldiers fought for 10 years in fucking deserts and y’all waved flags and put magnets on your cars - but are you white people willing to work put this country back together??
Audience: ummm
Well it’s time to get to work, pay our taxes and serve our veterans! Like, mental health care, new limbs and yes even a college education -- did you know my white grandpa fought in WWII? Yes he did and he was not a muslim! Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Over 4,000 Americans were killed in Iraq which last time I checked is more than died on 9/11. That’s some pretty whacked-out-shit isn’t it? Ok, so no fancy surrender ceremony, sorry. This address is all you get. But I love you soldiers - you are the steel in our ship of state and the wind beneath my wings. Love ya!
Goodnight white fuckers!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Meet the Press from New Orleans - August 29, 2010
Guests:
Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.)
Mayor Mitch Landrieu (D-N.O.)
Actor Brad Pitt
Radio host Garland Robinette
Author Douglas Brinkley
Actor Wendell Pierce
******************
Williams: Hi the Hurricane anniversary is too important to leave to that Dancin Dave Gregory -
it requires the most insufferably pompous man in television
Audience: yay
Williams: I’m here with U.S. Senator Mary Landrieu and baseball great Cal Ripken
Mitch: no I’m Mitch Landrieu
Williams: who the hell is that?
Mitch: I’m the Mayor of New Orleans
Williams: no shit
Mitch: yep
Williams: We got Nothin’ but Landrieus!
Williams: was it a natural disaster?
Mitch: this was a man-made disaster - the motherfuckin levees broke!
Williams: why should anyone give a shit about
your city?
Mitch: we have the greatest culture in America
Williams: well thank god we have a white Mayor again - you guys are the Cajun Camelot!
Mitch: boo ya!
Williams: you’re white so you’re blameless right?
Mary: the hurricane was great opportunity to remake South Louisiana - the nation has been looting this area for decades!
Williams: George Bush said he would do what it would whatever it takes to fix New Orleans
Mary: unsurprisingly that turned out to be total bullshit
Williams: but Mississippi did great
Mary: Haley Barbour may claim that but that isn’t true either
Williams: Mitch would you ever walk in black neighborhood without a bodyguard and an
armored car?
Mitch: sure I do it all the time
Williams: you’re kidding
Mitch: no really
Williams: Katrina was the best thing ever to happen to the schools of New Orleans
Mitch: well that’s not well put but it’s nice that
FEMA rebuilt every school
Williams: people in the U.S. think y’all is crazy because your state was soaked in oil and your first reaction is ‘let’s keep drilling!’
Mary: [ puts down cell phone ]
Sorry I was checking with the oil companies
before formulating my answer
Williams: what did they tell you to say
Mary: Oil companies are the loveliest best most sincere people on earth
Williams: I see
Williams: Please bash President Obama for me
Mitch: no he did a great job - BP was outrageously irresponsible
Williams: ok please bash Ray Nagin for me
Mitch: look the levees broke and Bush let us down - the rest is irrelevant
Williams: Glen Beck got 300,000 people to ask god to stop by and say hello
Mary: that moron may not know that God has always blessed America and his hate government agenda is fucking stupid
Williams: what do the Saints winning the Superbowl mean to New Orleans
Mitch: now that was God talking Brian -
it was redemption and resurrection!
Williams: Brad you’re a big star - why are you here
Pitt: I love the smell
Williams: what else
Pitt: it’s got verve
Williams: you’re building homes but what if they
get destroyed again?
Pitt: the homes are safe but the levees could
still break
Williams: well that seems like a problem
Pitt: it’s up to the Corps of Engineers
Williams: but they fucked up in the first place
Pitt: true
Williams: BP is so wonderful they took your slogan
Pitt: god I hate those dastardly thieving motherfuckers
Williams: are these Green houses
Pitt: it’s the Greenest area in the whole world -
they produce more energy than they use
Williams: ironic they don’t need the oil they despoil their state to provide for everyone else
Pitt: right
Williams: what happened here 5 years ago?
Robinette: we saw America reduced to a third-world nation it was mind boggling
Williams: I asked George Bush about this and he said you can call me anything you want-
Audience: oh good
Williams: but he said don’t call me a racist
Audience: stupid, incompetent, dishonest?
Bush [at home, drunk]: aw c’mon Robby I did a heckofa job!
Robniette: you can’t deliver food and water to trapped Americans - it doesn’t make any goddam sense!
Williams: it does seem like something you wouldn’t see on the Vineyard
Robinette: we’re the canary in the coal mine - America we are your future - look on us and despair!
Williams: Wendell you come from black neighborhood with a low crime rate - it’s amazing
Pierce: the rebuilding is like a grassroots
Marshall Plan
Brinkley: don’t forget Mississippi
Williams: Hey I passed over Mississippi
Williams: David what is New Orleans?
Brinkley: this is a great historic city but let’s not overstate the case - it’s mostly criminals, cancer
and corruption
Williams: but the Saints!
Brinkley: fuck that - you need to save the wetlands and end the third-world mentality that pervades this place
Robinette: hey America - you want to pay $5 a gallon for gas - keep it fucking up!
Williams: oh noes
Robinette: people are short-sighted and when you ask them to actually think they get a dull glaze on their eyes
Williams: speaking of that here’s an old clip from Meet The Press showing how the federal government failed 5 years ago
Pierce: that disaster lifted the veil on racism in America - it’s an indictment of the nation and if we are going to move past it we have to confront race and class and education in America and then work together to make it right
Brinkley: Katrina showed real poverty in America - but this shit is al over in America
Williams: Rob glass half-full or empty?
Robinette: half-full for New Orleans -
half-empty for America
Williams: and that’s another edition of
Meet The Press
**************************
Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.)
Mayor Mitch Landrieu (D-N.O.)
Actor Brad Pitt
Radio host Garland Robinette
Author Douglas Brinkley
Actor Wendell Pierce
******************
Williams: Hi the Hurricane anniversary is too important to leave to that Dancin Dave Gregory -
it requires the most insufferably pompous man in television
Audience: yay
Williams: I’m here with U.S. Senator Mary Landrieu and baseball great Cal Ripken
Mitch: no I’m Mitch Landrieu
Williams: who the hell is that?
Mitch: I’m the Mayor of New Orleans
Williams: no shit
Mitch: yep
Williams: We got Nothin’ but Landrieus!
Williams: was it a natural disaster?
Mitch: this was a man-made disaster - the motherfuckin levees broke!
Williams: why should anyone give a shit about
your city?
Mitch: we have the greatest culture in America
Williams: well thank god we have a white Mayor again - you guys are the Cajun Camelot!
Mitch: boo ya!
Williams: you’re white so you’re blameless right?
Mary: the hurricane was great opportunity to remake South Louisiana - the nation has been looting this area for decades!
Williams: George Bush said he would do what it would whatever it takes to fix New Orleans
Mary: unsurprisingly that turned out to be total bullshit
Williams: but Mississippi did great
Mary: Haley Barbour may claim that but that isn’t true either
Williams: Mitch would you ever walk in black neighborhood without a bodyguard and an
armored car?
Mitch: sure I do it all the time
Williams: you’re kidding
Mitch: no really
Williams: Katrina was the best thing ever to happen to the schools of New Orleans
Mitch: well that’s not well put but it’s nice that
FEMA rebuilt every school
Williams: people in the U.S. think y’all is crazy because your state was soaked in oil and your first reaction is ‘let’s keep drilling!’
Mary: [ puts down cell phone ]
Sorry I was checking with the oil companies
before formulating my answer
Williams: what did they tell you to say
Mary: Oil companies are the loveliest best most sincere people on earth
Williams: I see
Williams: Please bash President Obama for me
Mitch: no he did a great job - BP was outrageously irresponsible
Williams: ok please bash Ray Nagin for me
Mitch: look the levees broke and Bush let us down - the rest is irrelevant
Williams: Glen Beck got 300,000 people to ask god to stop by and say hello
Mary: that moron may not know that God has always blessed America and his hate government agenda is fucking stupid
Williams: what do the Saints winning the Superbowl mean to New Orleans
Mitch: now that was God talking Brian -
it was redemption and resurrection!
Williams: Brad you’re a big star - why are you here
Pitt: I love the smell
Williams: what else
Pitt: it’s got verve
Williams: you’re building homes but what if they
get destroyed again?
Pitt: the homes are safe but the levees could
still break
Williams: well that seems like a problem
Pitt: it’s up to the Corps of Engineers
Williams: but they fucked up in the first place
Pitt: true
Williams: BP is so wonderful they took your slogan
Pitt: god I hate those dastardly thieving motherfuckers
Williams: are these Green houses
Pitt: it’s the Greenest area in the whole world -
they produce more energy than they use
Williams: ironic they don’t need the oil they despoil their state to provide for everyone else
Pitt: right
Williams: what happened here 5 years ago?
Robinette: we saw America reduced to a third-world nation it was mind boggling
Williams: I asked George Bush about this and he said you can call me anything you want-
Audience: oh good
Williams: but he said don’t call me a racist
Audience: stupid, incompetent, dishonest?
Bush [at home, drunk]: aw c’mon Robby I did a heckofa job!
Robniette: you can’t deliver food and water to trapped Americans - it doesn’t make any goddam sense!
Williams: it does seem like something you wouldn’t see on the Vineyard
Robinette: we’re the canary in the coal mine - America we are your future - look on us and despair!
Williams: Wendell you come from black neighborhood with a low crime rate - it’s amazing
Pierce: the rebuilding is like a grassroots
Marshall Plan
Brinkley: don’t forget Mississippi
Williams: Hey I passed over Mississippi
Williams: David what is New Orleans?
Brinkley: this is a great historic city but let’s not overstate the case - it’s mostly criminals, cancer
and corruption
Williams: but the Saints!
Brinkley: fuck that - you need to save the wetlands and end the third-world mentality that pervades this place
Robinette: hey America - you want to pay $5 a gallon for gas - keep it fucking up!
Williams: oh noes
Robinette: people are short-sighted and when you ask them to actually think they get a dull glaze on their eyes
Williams: speaking of that here’s an old clip from Meet The Press showing how the federal government failed 5 years ago
Pierce: that disaster lifted the veil on racism in America - it’s an indictment of the nation and if we are going to move past it we have to confront race and class and education in America and then work together to make it right
Brinkley: Katrina showed real poverty in America - but this shit is al over in America
Williams: Rob glass half-full or empty?
Robinette: half-full for New Orleans -
half-empty for America
Williams: and that’s another edition of
Meet The Press
**************************
This Week - August 29, 2010
Guests:
Arne Duncan: Sec. of Education
Randi Weingarten: President AFT
Michelle Rhee
Jamie Oliver
****************************
Amanpour: Good morning - American kids perform worse than kids from Azerbijian but we’re still kicking Somalia’s ass - I think
Audience: yay
Amanpour: don’t worry America a former pro-basketball player is on the case
Amanpour: Arne what’s your plan to put U.S.
kids ahead of Estonia?
Duncan: we need to pay teachers based on how
well kids do
Amanpour: do you hate teachers?
Duncan: no I love teachers in general just not specifically
Weingarten: you have to look at teacher performance data in context
Duncan: it empowers teachers by publishing data
on how well their kids do
Amanpour: Michelle are you getting rid of
deadwood teachers
Rhee: we now evaluate teachers based on their kids scores and if they can recite the pledge of allegiance and how much chalk they use
Amanpour: the teachers contract is very thick and it makes it difficult to fire bad teachers
Weingarten: hey states with teachers unions do really well
Amanpour: yeah but we need to get rid of the bad teachers - that will save America
Weingarten: well fine - let’s improve teacher evaluation but let’s also admit teachers want to do well and teachers are not the real problem
Duncan: we have get kids ready for a college education they can’t possibly afford
Rhee: the best teachers will get a bonus and they really stupid ones will have to go into investment banking or on Fox news
Duncan: teachers need to know science like how early man celebrated Christmas by riding
to the edge of the earth on dinosaurs
Weingarten: we could base Arne Duncan’s pay
on his performance
Duncan: um now hold on a minute
Weingarten: Finland teaches kids better than we do
Amanpour: well sure it’s dark 10 months a year
Rhee: we need aggressive principals who are will kick some teacher ass
Duncan: we’ve dumbed down education standards for years and the result is Dancing with the Stars
and the Glen Beck rally
Amanpour: good point
[ break ]
Amanpour: we have an obesity problem in America because public school food makes kids fat
Kessler: the brains of millions of Americans are being hijacked by fat and ignorance
Amanpour: enough about Rush Limbaugh
Amanpour: 1 in 3 American kids are fat and the British kids are weighed in stones
Oliver: the solution is not rocket science -
just eat healthier
Amanpour: but people love junk food
Oliver: sure - fries are delicious
Amanpour: so can you succeed?
Oliver: yes and healthy food raises test scores
Amanpour: what can Congress do?
Oliver: they can pass a bill to spend $4 billion and save $100 billion; save millions of lives and make
the nation more competitve
Amanpour: so your saying it’s far-sighted and a no-brainer
Oliver: right
Amanpour: and you expect it to get through Congress?
Oliver: I educated people in West Virginia and if I can do it there I can do it on Capitol Hill
Amanpour: David Letterman says crappy food is Big Business so you can’t succeed
Oliver: He may be right but McDonald’s changed in Europe due to public pressure - in England they make healthy food and in France they have the ‘Royale with cheese’
Amanpour: awesome
************************
Arne Duncan: Sec. of Education
Randi Weingarten: President AFT
Michelle Rhee
Jamie Oliver
****************************
Amanpour: Good morning - American kids perform worse than kids from Azerbijian but we’re still kicking Somalia’s ass - I think
Audience: yay
Amanpour: don’t worry America a former pro-basketball player is on the case
Amanpour: Arne what’s your plan to put U.S.
kids ahead of Estonia?
Duncan: we need to pay teachers based on how
well kids do
Amanpour: do you hate teachers?
Duncan: no I love teachers in general just not specifically
Weingarten: you have to look at teacher performance data in context
Duncan: it empowers teachers by publishing data
on how well their kids do
Amanpour: Michelle are you getting rid of
deadwood teachers
Rhee: we now evaluate teachers based on their kids scores and if they can recite the pledge of allegiance and how much chalk they use
Amanpour: the teachers contract is very thick and it makes it difficult to fire bad teachers
Weingarten: hey states with teachers unions do really well
Amanpour: yeah but we need to get rid of the bad teachers - that will save America
Weingarten: well fine - let’s improve teacher evaluation but let’s also admit teachers want to do well and teachers are not the real problem
Duncan: we have get kids ready for a college education they can’t possibly afford
Rhee: the best teachers will get a bonus and they really stupid ones will have to go into investment banking or on Fox news
Duncan: teachers need to know science like how early man celebrated Christmas by riding
to the edge of the earth on dinosaurs
Weingarten: we could base Arne Duncan’s pay
on his performance
Duncan: um now hold on a minute
Weingarten: Finland teaches kids better than we do
Amanpour: well sure it’s dark 10 months a year
Rhee: we need aggressive principals who are will kick some teacher ass
Duncan: we’ve dumbed down education standards for years and the result is Dancing with the Stars
and the Glen Beck rally
Amanpour: good point
[ break ]
Amanpour: we have an obesity problem in America because public school food makes kids fat
Kessler: the brains of millions of Americans are being hijacked by fat and ignorance
Amanpour: enough about Rush Limbaugh
Amanpour: 1 in 3 American kids are fat and the British kids are weighed in stones
Oliver: the solution is not rocket science -
just eat healthier
Amanpour: but people love junk food
Oliver: sure - fries are delicious
Amanpour: so can you succeed?
Oliver: yes and healthy food raises test scores
Amanpour: what can Congress do?
Oliver: they can pass a bill to spend $4 billion and save $100 billion; save millions of lives and make
the nation more competitve
Amanpour: so your saying it’s far-sighted and a no-brainer
Oliver: right
Amanpour: and you expect it to get through Congress?
Oliver: I educated people in West Virginia and if I can do it there I can do it on Capitol Hill
Amanpour: David Letterman says crappy food is Big Business so you can’t succeed
Oliver: He may be right but McDonald’s changed in Europe due to public pressure - in England they make healthy food and in France they have the ‘Royale with cheese’
Amanpour: awesome
************************
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Meet The Press - August 22, 2010
Guests:
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
Gov. Granholm (D-MI)
Dick Armey (Tea Party)
Rick Lazio (R-candidate for Gov)
Paul Gigot (Wall St. Journal)
Katty Kay (BBC)
Jeffrey Goldberg (Atlantic)
**********************
Gregory: should Muslims be allowed to have a community center near the world trade center?
McConnell: that’s a local issue but President Obama should never have spoken in support of
freedom of religion
Gregory: but what’s your opinion
McConnell: that’s up to New York City but I would hope they would take into consideration what
people in Kentucky think
Gregory: wasn’t Obama wrong support religious freedom?
McConnell: oh yes - it’s just a zoning issue therefore freedom doesn’t matter
Gregory: don’t play dumb Mitch - your entire party has attacked this mosque
McConnell: oh not at all - we’re very angry about debt and the Washington takeovers
Gregory: why do people think Obama is a Muslim?
McConnell: because Obama started a recession
in 2007
Gregory: are you always this stupid?
McConnell: yes
Gregory: but why do people believe falsehoods?
McConnell: I have no idea - I get my information
from Fox news
Gregory: how do you pay for the tax cuts you want?
McConnell: it’s outrageous to raise taxes
in a recession
Gregory: so how will you pay for it?
McConnell: I don’t have to pay for it since it would be raising taxes not cutting them
Gregory: c’mon moron - we’re running a deficit
and you know it
McConnell: you don’t increase taxes in a recession and Obama has been President for 3 years
Gregory: with all due respect do you want to cut the debt or cut taxes
McConnell: you can’t raise taxes
Gregory: you’re not answering my question
McConnell: Obama has imposed paperwork!
Gregory: do you or do you not have a plan to pay
for one trillion in lost taxes
McConnell: no - we have to cut spending
Gregory: well that’s what I was asking about!
McConnell: Obama has a debt commission which I hope will recommend cutting medicare and medicaid
Gregory: why do you need a Democratic President’s commission to tell you what to cut?
McConnell: why should we discuss political issues between now and elections where the entire House of Representatives and much of the Senate are up for election??
Gregory: what about your election prospects?
McConnell: we’re offensive
Gregory: I noticed
Gregory: the Tea Party is awesome isn’t it
McConnell: I love the Tea Party and they discovered spending and debt after a black guy became President
[ break ]
Gregory: Obama said religious freedom is unshakeable as long as local laws are followed which created a firestorm of controversy
Granholm: I heard that this is a peaceful sect so maybe we should let him have religious freedom
Gregory: interesting
Granholm: I checked up on him and he seems like one of the good ones
Gregory: dick there are some good Muslims so maybe we should let them build it after all
Armey: Obama trashed the Constitution on health care which he means he’s whimsical!
Granholm: oh my god
Gregory: tea party candidates are against civil rights, the U.N., social security, income tax, and the 14th amendment
Armey: look they may be crazy but they all won
their GOP primary
Granholm: I’m not sure that electing lunatics is the best strategy to get us out of this serious recession
Gregory: what is?
Granholm: government smartly investing and working with business to develop jobs and infrastructure
Armey: or we could eliminate Medicare
Gregory: is the Tea Party going to take over the GOP?
Armey: Republicans need the courage to come against the Civil Rights Act
Granholm: I don’t think people want to get rid of Medicare
Armey: I don’t want to get rid of Medicare -
I just want to make it voluntary
Granholm: oh ok
Armey: shouldn’t Christian Scientists be allowed to opt-out of social programs?
Granholm: no
Armey: that’s whimsical!
Gregory: should we really raise taxes on the rich?
Armey: the U.S. Government is Porky Pig!
Granholm: yes we should build this economy on the backs of the richest 2 percent
[ break ]
Gregory: ok let's talk about the incredible controversy everyone is concerned about over building in lower Manhattan
Audience: St. Vincent's hospital?
Gregory: No no the really big story over the foreign invasion that everyone in New York City is freaking out about
Audience: oh of course - bedbugs
Gregory: no no I mean the 9/11 Ground Zero Mosque
Audience: oh that silly bullshit
Gregory: rick you were humiliated by Hillary Clinton and have no credibility - tell us why you hate the mosque
Lazio: this imam said the U.S. created Osama bin Laden and I’m not saying we should have a cap on all mosques and all I’m saying this mosque should be banned
Goldberg: that’s crazy - this imam once said ‘i’m a Jew’ which is very brave since bacon is delicious
Gregory: Karen Hughes who has no credibility says if we have freedom for religion the terrorists will celebrate it as a victory over freedom
Gigot: it doesn’t matter who is right - they are not uniting people therefore they are wrong
Gregory: but who’s fault it that?
Gigot: their fault for being too muslim-y
Gregory: Newt Gingrich says all Muslims are Nazis
Kay: dudes you are making America look insane
Lazio: we know that Muslims are patriots and they can have freedom - just not in New York City
Goldberg: worldwide Islam is complex and painting them with a broad brush sends a very bad message
Gigot: look we’re not saying people can’t build mosques all over the world-
Gregory: mighty white of you
Gigot: just not at this holy Christian site which is sanctified by porn shops and a skyscraper
Gregory: look we all want freedom just not near where so many white people died
Kay: Fluffy I heard you were a moron
Lazio: this mosque might have ties to Iran!
Gregory: Jeff you say Israel is planning to bomb Iran
Goldberg: Obama is being prudent and has given Iran a way out while imposing sanctions - but Iran is close and Israel is ready to strike
Gregory: look our are troops leaving Iraq - too bad
gosh it was such a fun war
Gregory: let me quote a right wing editorial wall street journal that we won in Iraq - USA! USA! USA!
Gigot: we gave them a Republic - aren’t we wonderful?
Gregory: we are true heroes
Gigot: hopefully Iraq can serve our purposes
Gregory: I loved that war - rick can we go back?
Lazio: absolutely - but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t start other new, fun wars
Gregory: I like it
Lazio: we left this epic disaster with honor
Kay: while Gigot does the touchdown end zone dance it’s worth remembering that this was a war based on lies costing billions and thousands of lives and was almost a total failure
Gregory: sure but other than that it was great
************************************
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
Gov. Granholm (D-MI)
Dick Armey (Tea Party)
Rick Lazio (R-candidate for Gov)
Paul Gigot (Wall St. Journal)
Katty Kay (BBC)
Jeffrey Goldberg (Atlantic)
**********************
Gregory: should Muslims be allowed to have a community center near the world trade center?
McConnell: that’s a local issue but President Obama should never have spoken in support of
freedom of religion
Gregory: but what’s your opinion
McConnell: that’s up to New York City but I would hope they would take into consideration what
people in Kentucky think
Gregory: wasn’t Obama wrong support religious freedom?
McConnell: oh yes - it’s just a zoning issue therefore freedom doesn’t matter
Gregory: don’t play dumb Mitch - your entire party has attacked this mosque
McConnell: oh not at all - we’re very angry about debt and the Washington takeovers
Gregory: why do people think Obama is a Muslim?
McConnell: because Obama started a recession
in 2007
Gregory: are you always this stupid?
McConnell: yes
Gregory: but why do people believe falsehoods?
McConnell: I have no idea - I get my information
from Fox news
Gregory: how do you pay for the tax cuts you want?
McConnell: it’s outrageous to raise taxes
in a recession
Gregory: so how will you pay for it?
McConnell: I don’t have to pay for it since it would be raising taxes not cutting them
Gregory: c’mon moron - we’re running a deficit
and you know it
McConnell: you don’t increase taxes in a recession and Obama has been President for 3 years
Gregory: with all due respect do you want to cut the debt or cut taxes
McConnell: you can’t raise taxes
Gregory: you’re not answering my question
McConnell: Obama has imposed paperwork!
Gregory: do you or do you not have a plan to pay
for one trillion in lost taxes
McConnell: no - we have to cut spending
Gregory: well that’s what I was asking about!
McConnell: Obama has a debt commission which I hope will recommend cutting medicare and medicaid
Gregory: why do you need a Democratic President’s commission to tell you what to cut?
McConnell: why should we discuss political issues between now and elections where the entire House of Representatives and much of the Senate are up for election??
Gregory: what about your election prospects?
McConnell: we’re offensive
Gregory: I noticed
Gregory: the Tea Party is awesome isn’t it
McConnell: I love the Tea Party and they discovered spending and debt after a black guy became President
[ break ]
Gregory: Obama said religious freedom is unshakeable as long as local laws are followed which created a firestorm of controversy
Granholm: I heard that this is a peaceful sect so maybe we should let him have religious freedom
Gregory: interesting
Granholm: I checked up on him and he seems like one of the good ones
Gregory: dick there are some good Muslims so maybe we should let them build it after all
Armey: Obama trashed the Constitution on health care which he means he’s whimsical!
Granholm: oh my god
Gregory: tea party candidates are against civil rights, the U.N., social security, income tax, and the 14th amendment
Armey: look they may be crazy but they all won
their GOP primary
Granholm: I’m not sure that electing lunatics is the best strategy to get us out of this serious recession
Gregory: what is?
Granholm: government smartly investing and working with business to develop jobs and infrastructure
Armey: or we could eliminate Medicare
Gregory: is the Tea Party going to take over the GOP?
Armey: Republicans need the courage to come against the Civil Rights Act
Granholm: I don’t think people want to get rid of Medicare
Armey: I don’t want to get rid of Medicare -
I just want to make it voluntary
Granholm: oh ok
Armey: shouldn’t Christian Scientists be allowed to opt-out of social programs?
Granholm: no
Armey: that’s whimsical!
Gregory: should we really raise taxes on the rich?
Armey: the U.S. Government is Porky Pig!
Granholm: yes we should build this economy on the backs of the richest 2 percent
[ break ]
Gregory: ok let's talk about the incredible controversy everyone is concerned about over building in lower Manhattan
Audience: St. Vincent's hospital?
Gregory: No no the really big story over the foreign invasion that everyone in New York City is freaking out about
Audience: oh of course - bedbugs
Gregory: no no I mean the 9/11 Ground Zero Mosque
Audience: oh that silly bullshit
Gregory: rick you were humiliated by Hillary Clinton and have no credibility - tell us why you hate the mosque
Lazio: this imam said the U.S. created Osama bin Laden and I’m not saying we should have a cap on all mosques and all I’m saying this mosque should be banned
Goldberg: that’s crazy - this imam once said ‘i’m a Jew’ which is very brave since bacon is delicious
Gregory: Karen Hughes who has no credibility says if we have freedom for religion the terrorists will celebrate it as a victory over freedom
Gigot: it doesn’t matter who is right - they are not uniting people therefore they are wrong
Gregory: but who’s fault it that?
Gigot: their fault for being too muslim-y
Gregory: Newt Gingrich says all Muslims are Nazis
Kay: dudes you are making America look insane
Lazio: we know that Muslims are patriots and they can have freedom - just not in New York City
Goldberg: worldwide Islam is complex and painting them with a broad brush sends a very bad message
Gigot: look we’re not saying people can’t build mosques all over the world-
Gregory: mighty white of you
Gigot: just not at this holy Christian site which is sanctified by porn shops and a skyscraper
Gregory: look we all want freedom just not near where so many white people died
Kay: Fluffy I heard you were a moron
Lazio: this mosque might have ties to Iran!
Gregory: Jeff you say Israel is planning to bomb Iran
Goldberg: Obama is being prudent and has given Iran a way out while imposing sanctions - but Iran is close and Israel is ready to strike
Gregory: look our are troops leaving Iraq - too bad
gosh it was such a fun war
Gregory: let me quote a right wing editorial wall street journal that we won in Iraq - USA! USA! USA!
Gigot: we gave them a Republic - aren’t we wonderful?
Gregory: we are true heroes
Gigot: hopefully Iraq can serve our purposes
Gregory: I loved that war - rick can we go back?
Lazio: absolutely - but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t start other new, fun wars
Gregory: I like it
Lazio: we left this epic disaster with honor
Kay: while Gigot does the touchdown end zone dance it’s worth remembering that this was a war based on lies costing billions and thousands of lives and was almost a total failure
Gregory: sure but other than that it was great
************************************
This Week with guest Hamid Karzai- August 22, 2010
August 22, 2010
Guests:
Hamiz Karzai - President of Afghanistan
Daisy Khan - American Society for Muslim Advancement
Rabbi Joy Levitt
******************************
Amanpour: Hey Afghanistan still isn’t very peaceful
Soldier: If I see a stranger walking around I get suspicious and tail them
Audience: so it’s like Greenwich Connecticut
Soldier: we will root out the fuckin Taliban
Amanpour: President Karzai can you reach an agreement with our new best friends the Taliban
Karzai: oh sure they just have to promise to keep
the craziness to a minimum
Amanpour: that’s nice but women’s groups are worried that the Taliban are not exactly feminists
Karzai: oh they shouldn’t worry their pretty heads
Amanpour: but the Taliban stoned a couple to
death last week
Karzai: yeah that was pretty shocking
Amanpour: can you win this war or not
Karzai: yes but first we have to admit we did everything wrong for the last 9 years
Amanpour: like what specifically
Karzai: like killing civilians, corruption, mercenaries-
Amanpour: you’re not a fan of private contract killers?
Karzai: no I’m not - surprisingly the government doesn’t approve of a parallel foreign corporate shadow government which rules by terror at night
Amanpour: by they protect you and diplomats
and aid groups
Karzai: look if the U.S. needs private contractors that’s fine but they can’t just roam the streets killing people
Amanpour: that’s the army’s job
Karzai: exactly
Amanpour: but the Afghan people still haven’t learned how to kill people - the US hasn’t taught them how since it’s only been 9 years
Karzai: that’s insane Christiane -
Amanpour: is it?
Karzai: yes of course we know how to fight - but Afghans take money to fight with private contractors
Amanpour: fascinating
Karzai: maybe the US taxpayer should worry about whether they are paying for thugs who are hurting the war effort
Amanpour: but if you disband these wonderful contractors won’t they all become terrorists?
Karzai: if that’s true they should be disbanded tomorrow!
Amanpour: one of your close aides was arrested and then released because you intervened
Karzai: fucking right Christiane - he was kidnapped in the name of law enforcement
Amanpour: oh I see
Karzai: I am the fucking President you know
Amanpour: but corruption is real problem
Karzai: I wouldn't know - I don’t work for Disney
or General Electric
Amanpour: thanks Hamid
[ break ]
Amanpour: Ms. Khan your lower manhattan community center is controversial why not work with victim’s families
Khan: we’ve been working with 9/11 families all along
Levitt: we have a JCC so why not have similar community center
Amanpour: so will it have those scary minarets?
Kahn: well there’s a swimming pool-
Amanpour: okay
Kahn: and a meeting place to exchange ideas and preach tolerance
Amanpour: well no wonder the right wingers
are so mad
Khan: mmm
Amanpour: Gov. Paterson said people who live down there are upset
Khan: the few people who live there approved it
Amanpour: shouldn’t you have reached out to people who hate you
Levitt: indeed Jews reach out to neo-Nazis whenever they build a community center
Amanpour: really?
Levitt: no of course not
Amanpour: Newt Gingrich says all Muslims are Nazis
Levitt: forgive me but he’s an asshole
Khan: he really is an ignorant dick isn’t he
Amanpour: is there any foreign funding for your community terror center
Khan: we will adhere to all the laws of New York state
Amanpour: but what about the special laws that only apply Muslims
Khan: what are those?
Amanpour: like when your husband said the U.S. once supported Osama bin Laden
Khan: what he said was true
Amanpour: but it wasn’t a very nice thing
to point out
Amanpour: Is America Islamaphobic?
Khan: gee let me think - yes
Levitt: sure it is
Amanpour: will you go ahead with your hateful swimming center?
Khan: you bet Chrissie
********************************
Guests:
Hamiz Karzai - President of Afghanistan
Daisy Khan - American Society for Muslim Advancement
Rabbi Joy Levitt
******************************
Amanpour: Hey Afghanistan still isn’t very peaceful
Soldier: If I see a stranger walking around I get suspicious and tail them
Audience: so it’s like Greenwich Connecticut
Soldier: we will root out the fuckin Taliban
Amanpour: President Karzai can you reach an agreement with our new best friends the Taliban
Karzai: oh sure they just have to promise to keep
the craziness to a minimum
Amanpour: that’s nice but women’s groups are worried that the Taliban are not exactly feminists
Karzai: oh they shouldn’t worry their pretty heads
Amanpour: but the Taliban stoned a couple to
death last week
Karzai: yeah that was pretty shocking
Amanpour: can you win this war or not
Karzai: yes but first we have to admit we did everything wrong for the last 9 years
Amanpour: like what specifically
Karzai: like killing civilians, corruption, mercenaries-
Amanpour: you’re not a fan of private contract killers?
Karzai: no I’m not - surprisingly the government doesn’t approve of a parallel foreign corporate shadow government which rules by terror at night
Amanpour: by they protect you and diplomats
and aid groups
Karzai: look if the U.S. needs private contractors that’s fine but they can’t just roam the streets killing people
Amanpour: that’s the army’s job
Karzai: exactly
Amanpour: but the Afghan people still haven’t learned how to kill people - the US hasn’t taught them how since it’s only been 9 years
Karzai: that’s insane Christiane -
Amanpour: is it?
Karzai: yes of course we know how to fight - but Afghans take money to fight with private contractors
Amanpour: fascinating
Karzai: maybe the US taxpayer should worry about whether they are paying for thugs who are hurting the war effort
Amanpour: but if you disband these wonderful contractors won’t they all become terrorists?
Karzai: if that’s true they should be disbanded tomorrow!
Amanpour: one of your close aides was arrested and then released because you intervened
Karzai: fucking right Christiane - he was kidnapped in the name of law enforcement
Amanpour: oh I see
Karzai: I am the fucking President you know
Amanpour: but corruption is real problem
Karzai: I wouldn't know - I don’t work for Disney
or General Electric
Amanpour: thanks Hamid
[ break ]
Amanpour: Ms. Khan your lower manhattan community center is controversial why not work with victim’s families
Khan: we’ve been working with 9/11 families all along
Levitt: we have a JCC so why not have similar community center
Amanpour: so will it have those scary minarets?
Kahn: well there’s a swimming pool-
Amanpour: okay
Kahn: and a meeting place to exchange ideas and preach tolerance
Amanpour: well no wonder the right wingers
are so mad
Khan: mmm
Amanpour: Gov. Paterson said people who live down there are upset
Khan: the few people who live there approved it
Amanpour: shouldn’t you have reached out to people who hate you
Levitt: indeed Jews reach out to neo-Nazis whenever they build a community center
Amanpour: really?
Levitt: no of course not
Amanpour: Newt Gingrich says all Muslims are Nazis
Levitt: forgive me but he’s an asshole
Khan: he really is an ignorant dick isn’t he
Amanpour: is there any foreign funding for your community terror center
Khan: we will adhere to all the laws of New York state
Amanpour: but what about the special laws that only apply Muslims
Khan: what are those?
Amanpour: like when your husband said the U.S. once supported Osama bin Laden
Khan: what he said was true
Amanpour: but it wasn’t a very nice thing
to point out
Amanpour: Is America Islamaphobic?
Khan: gee let me think - yes
Levitt: sure it is
Amanpour: will you go ahead with your hateful swimming center?
Khan: you bet Chrissie
********************************
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Meet The Press with Gen. Petraeus - August 15, 2010
Host:
David Gregory
Guest: Gen. David Petraeus
****************************
Gregory: General you’re handsome and I love you
Petraeus: I am awesome aren’t I?
Gregory: you do pushups and protect mosques
Petraeus: I could kick your ass
Gregory: but I’m taller
Petraeus: only if you count your hair Fluffy
Gregory: is it you job to pull out by next year?
Petraeus: our job is to build on the failures of
the last nine years
Gregory: I see
Petraeus: Barack told me to come Afghanistan
and kick some ass and take some names
Gregory: oh that’s really cool
Petraeus: the buck stops with him
Gregory: but you’re on my tv
Petraeus: true
Gregory: can Hamid Karzai be trusted?
Eikenberry: absolutely - he can be counted on to enrich himself and his family without regard to ethics
Gregory: well can’t we all
Gregory: hey audience I got to fly on a helicopter!!
Petraeus: we’re going to imitate BP and create a Giant Oil Spot of Peace
Gregory: a Gusher of Tranquility that cannot be contained?
Petraeus: exactly
Gregory: Look at this regional Governor pretend in front our tv cameras that he loves America
Audience: woo-hoo
Gregory: and then there was rocket fire
Petraeus: oh that just a little celebration
Gregory: so it’s like Detroit
Petraeus: all we have to is kill anyone who can pull
a trigger and we’ll be fine
Gregory: why is this America’s longest war and why aren’t we making any progress?
Petraeus: oh but we’re making small pockets of progress
Gregory: small pockets? It’s been 9 fucking years!
Petraeus: true but now Obama has tripled the number of American civilians here
Gregory: what are they going to do?
Petraeus: we’re going to keep sending lawyers until they surrender
Gregory: but can you win without the support of the American people
Petraeus: 9/11 9/11 9/11
Gregory: Did McChrystal getting fired give you a sad?
Petraeus: No - now I am the top dog in the Pentagon and we’ve all linked arms and are doing
a happy dance
Gregory: Wikileaks is going to put out another 15,000 pages - what’s in it?
Petraeus: these are unimportant documents and leaking them was a horrible betrayal of trust
Gregory: do the documents contain any secrets?
Petraeus: my god man - those papers had the
KFC 11 herbs and spices
Gregory: holy shit
Gregory: can you save this just like you won Iraq
by yourself?
Petraeus: If I can’t do it Dancing Dave no one can
Gregory: how horrible is Obama for setting a deadline for leaving American’s longest quagmire?
Petraeus: he isn’t and you’re an idiot
Gregory: you just gave the wrong answer so please change it and bash Obama
Petraeus: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: we were getting along so well
Petraeus: the deadline actually helps concentrate the minds of the wackos here
Gregory: Can’t you persuade Obama to stay in Afghanistan please?
Petraeus: [ punches Gregory in the face ]
Gregory: Ow!
Gregory: what kind of relationship do you have with President Karzai?
Petraeus: we’re going steady and I’m over the moon
Gregory: but he’s corrupt
Petraeus: he may be a bastard but he’s our bastard
Gregory: I like it
Petraeus: he fired a guy for being incorrectly corrupt so there’s that
Gregory: do you like him?
Petraeus: he’s the President of a sovereign nation which just happens to be occupied by the USA
Gregory: why don’t we just get rid of him?
Petraeus: he’s the President!
Gregory: he’s a puppet
Petraeus: he’s the Lambchop of Central Asia
Gregory: what’s the deal with the Taliban?
Petraeus: they’re pretty scary
Gregory: why don’t the Afghan people just rise up and defeat the Taliban?
Petraeus: people here survive by being Professional Chameleons
Gregory: like that Geico lizard?
Petraeus: right
Gregory: Afghans are sitting on the fence
Petraeus: that’s how you get stuck in the ass
Gregory: but people are waiting for us to leave and then we’re screwed
Petraeus: how so?
Gregory: who will resolve Afghan zoning disputes
if not us?
Petraeus: interesting point
Gregory: what do you say to people who say we can’t win
Petraeus: we’re not going to turn Afghanistan into Switzerland
Gregory: with mountains, secrecy, war criminals and money laundering?
Petraeus: ok maybe we will
Gregory: what’s winning?
Petraeus: a government that allows outside investment
Gregory: now we’re talking
Gregory: can you point out on this map where Osama is?
Petraeus: the Taliban control this area the size
of California
Gregory: oh my
Petraeus: wait - there’s more - we also have enemies in the south, the north, the center and the mountains near Pakistan
Gregory: that seems like a problem
Petraeus: the Taliban are egregious!
Gregory: I don’t think you can say that word on NBC
Gregory: are we giving money to our enemies?
Petraeus: look if America has learned anything, it’s this: money solves everything
Gregory: where’s Osama?
Petraeus: he’s hiding in the mountains protected by religious fanatics
Gregory: he’s in Utah?
Gregory: don’t we have to stay in Afghanistan because of Time magazine’s cover?
Petraeus: well that’s silly but yes
Gregory: what prizes do we win here
Petraeus: we’ll get some lovely parting gifts
Gregory: so why stay?
Petraeus: the Time magazine cover says it all
Gregory: of course
Petraeus: or we can turn Afghanistan in an American colony with a Silk Road and take all their minerals
Gregory: ooh a bit of a history lesson
Petraeus: no - George W. Bush actually tried to build a road made of silk
Gregory: how did that go?
Petraeus: not so well
Gregory: did we win in Iraq?
Petraeus: it’s too soon to say - wait 50 years
Gregory: Was George Bush really a great President in spite of his terrible record?
Petraeus: we he did belatedly order even more troops into combat there which was very courageous
Gregory: yes who would have thought he would defy everything we know about him and send soldiers to fight more wars
Petraeus: indeed
Gregory: should we bomb Iran?
Petraeus: we could if ordered to
Gregory: what are you reading?
Petraeus: Kipling
Gregory: White Man’s Burden!
Gregory: Will you please run for President?
Petraeus: No
Gregory: [ sobs ]
*********************************
David Gregory
Guest: Gen. David Petraeus
****************************
Gregory: General you’re handsome and I love you
Petraeus: I am awesome aren’t I?
Gregory: you do pushups and protect mosques
Petraeus: I could kick your ass
Gregory: but I’m taller
Petraeus: only if you count your hair Fluffy
Gregory: is it you job to pull out by next year?
Petraeus: our job is to build on the failures of
the last nine years
Gregory: I see
Petraeus: Barack told me to come Afghanistan
and kick some ass and take some names
Gregory: oh that’s really cool
Petraeus: the buck stops with him
Gregory: but you’re on my tv
Petraeus: true
Gregory: can Hamid Karzai be trusted?
Eikenberry: absolutely - he can be counted on to enrich himself and his family without regard to ethics
Gregory: well can’t we all
Gregory: hey audience I got to fly on a helicopter!!
Petraeus: we’re going to imitate BP and create a Giant Oil Spot of Peace
Gregory: a Gusher of Tranquility that cannot be contained?
Petraeus: exactly
Gregory: Look at this regional Governor pretend in front our tv cameras that he loves America
Audience: woo-hoo
Gregory: and then there was rocket fire
Petraeus: oh that just a little celebration
Gregory: so it’s like Detroit
Petraeus: all we have to is kill anyone who can pull
a trigger and we’ll be fine
Gregory: why is this America’s longest war and why aren’t we making any progress?
Petraeus: oh but we’re making small pockets of progress
Gregory: small pockets? It’s been 9 fucking years!
Petraeus: true but now Obama has tripled the number of American civilians here
Gregory: what are they going to do?
Petraeus: we’re going to keep sending lawyers until they surrender
Gregory: but can you win without the support of the American people
Petraeus: 9/11 9/11 9/11
Gregory: Did McChrystal getting fired give you a sad?
Petraeus: No - now I am the top dog in the Pentagon and we’ve all linked arms and are doing
a happy dance
Gregory: Wikileaks is going to put out another 15,000 pages - what’s in it?
Petraeus: these are unimportant documents and leaking them was a horrible betrayal of trust
Gregory: do the documents contain any secrets?
Petraeus: my god man - those papers had the
KFC 11 herbs and spices
Gregory: holy shit
Gregory: can you save this just like you won Iraq
by yourself?
Petraeus: If I can’t do it Dancing Dave no one can
Gregory: how horrible is Obama for setting a deadline for leaving American’s longest quagmire?
Petraeus: he isn’t and you’re an idiot
Gregory: you just gave the wrong answer so please change it and bash Obama
Petraeus: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: we were getting along so well
Petraeus: the deadline actually helps concentrate the minds of the wackos here
Gregory: Can’t you persuade Obama to stay in Afghanistan please?
Petraeus: [ punches Gregory in the face ]
Gregory: Ow!
Gregory: what kind of relationship do you have with President Karzai?
Petraeus: we’re going steady and I’m over the moon
Gregory: but he’s corrupt
Petraeus: he may be a bastard but he’s our bastard
Gregory: I like it
Petraeus: he fired a guy for being incorrectly corrupt so there’s that
Gregory: do you like him?
Petraeus: he’s the President of a sovereign nation which just happens to be occupied by the USA
Gregory: why don’t we just get rid of him?
Petraeus: he’s the President!
Gregory: he’s a puppet
Petraeus: he’s the Lambchop of Central Asia
Gregory: what’s the deal with the Taliban?
Petraeus: they’re pretty scary
Gregory: why don’t the Afghan people just rise up and defeat the Taliban?
Petraeus: people here survive by being Professional Chameleons
Gregory: like that Geico lizard?
Petraeus: right
Gregory: Afghans are sitting on the fence
Petraeus: that’s how you get stuck in the ass
Gregory: but people are waiting for us to leave and then we’re screwed
Petraeus: how so?
Gregory: who will resolve Afghan zoning disputes
if not us?
Petraeus: interesting point
Gregory: what do you say to people who say we can’t win
Petraeus: we’re not going to turn Afghanistan into Switzerland
Gregory: with mountains, secrecy, war criminals and money laundering?
Petraeus: ok maybe we will
Gregory: what’s winning?
Petraeus: a government that allows outside investment
Gregory: now we’re talking
Gregory: can you point out on this map where Osama is?
Petraeus: the Taliban control this area the size
of California
Gregory: oh my
Petraeus: wait - there’s more - we also have enemies in the south, the north, the center and the mountains near Pakistan
Gregory: that seems like a problem
Petraeus: the Taliban are egregious!
Gregory: I don’t think you can say that word on NBC
Gregory: are we giving money to our enemies?
Petraeus: look if America has learned anything, it’s this: money solves everything
Gregory: where’s Osama?
Petraeus: he’s hiding in the mountains protected by religious fanatics
Gregory: he’s in Utah?
Gregory: don’t we have to stay in Afghanistan because of Time magazine’s cover?
Petraeus: well that’s silly but yes
Gregory: what prizes do we win here
Petraeus: we’ll get some lovely parting gifts
Gregory: so why stay?
Petraeus: the Time magazine cover says it all
Gregory: of course
Petraeus: or we can turn Afghanistan in an American colony with a Silk Road and take all their minerals
Gregory: ooh a bit of a history lesson
Petraeus: no - George W. Bush actually tried to build a road made of silk
Gregory: how did that go?
Petraeus: not so well
Gregory: did we win in Iraq?
Petraeus: it’s too soon to say - wait 50 years
Gregory: Was George Bush really a great President in spite of his terrible record?
Petraeus: we he did belatedly order even more troops into combat there which was very courageous
Gregory: yes who would have thought he would defy everything we know about him and send soldiers to fight more wars
Petraeus: indeed
Gregory: should we bomb Iran?
Petraeus: we could if ordered to
Gregory: what are you reading?
Petraeus: Kipling
Gregory: White Man’s Burden!
Gregory: Will you please run for President?
Petraeus: No
Gregory: [ sobs ]
*********************************
ABC's This Week - August 15, 2010
Host: Christiane Amanpour
Guests:
Sen. Bob Corker (R-TN)
Fmr. Governor Jon Corzine (D-NJ)
Laura Tyson
Martin Regalia - Chamber of Commerce
*************************
Amanpour: hi everyone the economy still sucks
as many of you may have noticed
Audience: um yeah
Regalia: as an expert I can say that unemployment
is bad
Tyson: we should help unemployed people
and also try to create jobs
Amanpour: wow
Tyson: hey those stimulus jobs are right around
the corner
Amanpour: excellent
Tyson: also send people to college - all those people seem to have jobs
Amanpour: Bob how is it going in your state?
Corker: things are going great although some rural areas lack indoor plumbing
Amanpour: what’s the solution
Corker: we have to calm down in Washington and stop giving doing things because businesses are very confused about whether they should hire people who now have access to health care
Corzine: oh bullshit - George Bush lost $17 trillion and let third-world countries pass us by while he pranced around on aircraft carriers
Tyson: hey I noticed that this nation is falling apart and our kids aren’t going to school - maybe we could address that
Amanpour: interesting notion
Regalia: if taxes were lower things would be awesome
Corker: we definitely need to build infrastructure and invest but first we need to cut taxes and spending and stop debating little issues like the economy
and concentrate on big issues like bringing back voodoo economics
Corzine: more bullshit - the economy grew like gangbusters after Clinton raised taxes in 1993
Amanpour: interesting
Corzine: yeah I lost my election but come this fall you’ll see I won’t be the only one
Amanpour: Germany is doing well - why is that?
Tyson: the Germans have high taxes and are building useful products while we lead the world in stupefying reality tv shows
Regalia: TAX CUTS!
Corker: what he said
*********************************
Guests:
Sen. Bob Corker (R-TN)
Fmr. Governor Jon Corzine (D-NJ)
Laura Tyson
Martin Regalia - Chamber of Commerce
*************************
Amanpour: hi everyone the economy still sucks
as many of you may have noticed
Audience: um yeah
Regalia: as an expert I can say that unemployment
is bad
Tyson: we should help unemployed people
and also try to create jobs
Amanpour: wow
Tyson: hey those stimulus jobs are right around
the corner
Amanpour: excellent
Tyson: also send people to college - all those people seem to have jobs
Amanpour: Bob how is it going in your state?
Corker: things are going great although some rural areas lack indoor plumbing
Amanpour: what’s the solution
Corker: we have to calm down in Washington and stop giving doing things because businesses are very confused about whether they should hire people who now have access to health care
Corzine: oh bullshit - George Bush lost $17 trillion and let third-world countries pass us by while he pranced around on aircraft carriers
Tyson: hey I noticed that this nation is falling apart and our kids aren’t going to school - maybe we could address that
Amanpour: interesting notion
Regalia: if taxes were lower things would be awesome
Corker: we definitely need to build infrastructure and invest but first we need to cut taxes and spending and stop debating little issues like the economy
and concentrate on big issues like bringing back voodoo economics
Corzine: more bullshit - the economy grew like gangbusters after Clinton raised taxes in 1993
Amanpour: interesting
Corzine: yeah I lost my election but come this fall you’ll see I won’t be the only one
Amanpour: Germany is doing well - why is that?
Tyson: the Germans have high taxes and are building useful products while we lead the world in stupefying reality tv shows
Regalia: TAX CUTS!
Corker: what he said
*********************************
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Meet The Press - August 1, 2010
Guests:
Admiral Mullen - Chair Joint Chiefs
Gov. Ed Rendell - (D-PA)
Mike Bloomberg - Mayor of New York
Alan Greenspan
Doris Goodwin
Mark Halperin
August 1, 2010
***************************
Gregory: Admiral I love your epaulets
Mullen: thanks
Gregory: don’t these Wikileaks prove the war was a colossal waste of time
Mullen: no it proves that it WAS a huge mistake - but that was in the past - now we’re beginning to make great progress so it’s all good
Gregory: why the fuck can’t we get Al-Qaeda?
Mullen: Obama is sending more troops
Gregory: now we need more troops - jesus
Mullen: we said this we would be a tough year but in 12 months we’ll know whether this new phase of the was also a complete waste
Gregory: the Taliban attacks our troops from Pakistan so we need them but they hate us
Mullen: look I’m not going to mince words - we may need to go to war with them too
Gregory: what?!
Mullen: no I’m just pulling your leg Fluffy
Gregory: oh good
Mullen: look we’re not going to win overnight - we’re going to lose over a period of years and years
Gregory: ah I see
Mullen: then we may have to tangle with India
Gregory: is Pakistan with us or against us?
Mullen: both
Gregory: what a relief
Gregory: will you make a deal with the Taliban?
Mullen: we sent Howie Mandel there already
Gregory: Look at this gruesome biased Time magazine cover
Mullen: eww
Gregory: are we there to protect the women of Afghanistan?
Mullen: no
Gregory: ok
Mullen: we have to protect all the people of Afghanistan
Gregory: but I thought we were there to get al qaeda?
Mullen: yes but to defeat them we must rebuild the Afghan economy, society, and civilization
Gregory: which is worse - letting Iran get a nuke or attacking Iran
Mullen: gosh Greggers that’s a tough one
Gregory: well you’re the one with the shiny shoulders
Mullen: Talk to Barack Fluffers
Gregory: can we have a new war please?
Mullen: maybe
Gregory: why are so many soldiers committing suicide?
Mullen: it could be the wars and constant redeployments
Gregory: you think
Mullen: but not only that
Gregory: thanks for coming Admiral
[ break ]
Gregory: Welcome everyone to Recovery Summer! What the hell is wrong?
Bloomberg: Well Democrats won’t cut spending and the GOP won’t raise taxes and nobody knows what the future holds so no one hires anyone
Gregory: people won’t spend so employers won’t hire and so people won’t spend
Greenspan: our problem is that America doesn’t make anything anymore - we just shuffle financial papers around
Gregory: hey that’s very lucrative
Greenspan: that’s true
Gregory: how can we reinflate the housing bubble?
Greenspan: it’s touch and go
Gregory: Ed America has run out of money
Rendell: we need stimulus and re-build infrastructure and that’s perfect because we can do both at once
Bloomberg: the stimulus went to buy flat screen tvs
Gregory: what is the unemployment level
Greenspan: it’s half past Matlock
Gregory: what does that mean?
Greenspan: the unemployment I caused is very tragic
Gregory: Mike should we let the tax cuts for the rich expire?
Bloomberg: oh no it’s much too risky
Rendell: we raised taxes in 1993 and created 23 million jobs
Bloomberg: yeah but Bill Clinton cheated by not starting any wars
Rendell: let’s cut Medicare and Medicaid and then phase in raising taxes on the rich to the incredibly high levels they were under Reagan
Gregory: Alan you said we should let the tax cuts expire
Greenspan: why should we borrow money from our grandchildren so billionaires can be even richer now?
Gregory: what a crazy idea
Gregory: hey is Wall Street different from the movie in 1987
Bloomberg: no that movie said Wall Street was a bunch of crooks
Gregory: why does corrupt evil Wall Street executives hate Obama?
Bloomberg: We’re all to blame for the excess and recession - let’s not look for villains
Gregory: but Obama doesn’t get along with the business community
Rendell: It’s terrible - so sad for Obama
Gregory: immigration!
Bloomberg: let’s be realistic - we social security cards encoded with DNA
Gregory: how is my 401(k)?
Greenspan: I have no idea but I will say this - pudding!
Gregory: will you for President in 2012
Bloomberg: no I can’t get elected - I believe in evolution
Gregory: oh well forget I said anything
[ break ]
Gregory: Doris how is Obama doing?
Goodwin: he showed feistiness in Detroit and people need that
Gregory: what about Afghanistan
Goodwin: FDR invaded North Africa because people need to be entertained
Gregory: Obama says the American worker is a great investment
Halperin: but he’s a President with high unemployment and two unpopular wars
Gregory: what a terrible record!
Halperin: we should elect Republicans!
Gregory: why is Obama so unpopular and why won’t he support Charlie Rangel
Goodwin: I know he’s not liked but I think he should argue for himself and talk about results!
Halperin: Rangel is black you know
Gregory: really?
Halperin: I read that somewhere
Gregory: Hey Chelsea got married
Goodwin: they raised a terrific kid
Halperin: people are fascinated by the Clintons
Gregory: beltway pundits are hopeless village gossips
Halperin: indeed
Gregory: and that’s Meet the Press
****************************
Admiral Mullen - Chair Joint Chiefs
Gov. Ed Rendell - (D-PA)
Mike Bloomberg - Mayor of New York
Alan Greenspan
Doris Goodwin
Mark Halperin
August 1, 2010
***************************
Gregory: Admiral I love your epaulets
Mullen: thanks
Gregory: don’t these Wikileaks prove the war was a colossal waste of time
Mullen: no it proves that it WAS a huge mistake - but that was in the past - now we’re beginning to make great progress so it’s all good
Gregory: why the fuck can’t we get Al-Qaeda?
Mullen: Obama is sending more troops
Gregory: now we need more troops - jesus
Mullen: we said this we would be a tough year but in 12 months we’ll know whether this new phase of the was also a complete waste
Gregory: the Taliban attacks our troops from Pakistan so we need them but they hate us
Mullen: look I’m not going to mince words - we may need to go to war with them too
Gregory: what?!
Mullen: no I’m just pulling your leg Fluffy
Gregory: oh good
Mullen: look we’re not going to win overnight - we’re going to lose over a period of years and years
Gregory: ah I see
Mullen: then we may have to tangle with India
Gregory: is Pakistan with us or against us?
Mullen: both
Gregory: what a relief
Gregory: will you make a deal with the Taliban?
Mullen: we sent Howie Mandel there already
Gregory: Look at this gruesome biased Time magazine cover
Mullen: eww
Gregory: are we there to protect the women of Afghanistan?
Mullen: no
Gregory: ok
Mullen: we have to protect all the people of Afghanistan
Gregory: but I thought we were there to get al qaeda?
Mullen: yes but to defeat them we must rebuild the Afghan economy, society, and civilization
Gregory: which is worse - letting Iran get a nuke or attacking Iran
Mullen: gosh Greggers that’s a tough one
Gregory: well you’re the one with the shiny shoulders
Mullen: Talk to Barack Fluffers
Gregory: can we have a new war please?
Mullen: maybe
Gregory: why are so many soldiers committing suicide?
Mullen: it could be the wars and constant redeployments
Gregory: you think
Mullen: but not only that
Gregory: thanks for coming Admiral
[ break ]
Gregory: Welcome everyone to Recovery Summer! What the hell is wrong?
Bloomberg: Well Democrats won’t cut spending and the GOP won’t raise taxes and nobody knows what the future holds so no one hires anyone
Gregory: people won’t spend so employers won’t hire and so people won’t spend
Greenspan: our problem is that America doesn’t make anything anymore - we just shuffle financial papers around
Gregory: hey that’s very lucrative
Greenspan: that’s true
Gregory: how can we reinflate the housing bubble?
Greenspan: it’s touch and go
Gregory: Ed America has run out of money
Rendell: we need stimulus and re-build infrastructure and that’s perfect because we can do both at once
Bloomberg: the stimulus went to buy flat screen tvs
Gregory: what is the unemployment level
Greenspan: it’s half past Matlock
Gregory: what does that mean?
Greenspan: the unemployment I caused is very tragic
Gregory: Mike should we let the tax cuts for the rich expire?
Bloomberg: oh no it’s much too risky
Rendell: we raised taxes in 1993 and created 23 million jobs
Bloomberg: yeah but Bill Clinton cheated by not starting any wars
Rendell: let’s cut Medicare and Medicaid and then phase in raising taxes on the rich to the incredibly high levels they were under Reagan
Gregory: Alan you said we should let the tax cuts expire
Greenspan: why should we borrow money from our grandchildren so billionaires can be even richer now?
Gregory: what a crazy idea
Gregory: hey is Wall Street different from the movie in 1987
Bloomberg: no that movie said Wall Street was a bunch of crooks
Gregory: why does corrupt evil Wall Street executives hate Obama?
Bloomberg: We’re all to blame for the excess and recession - let’s not look for villains
Gregory: but Obama doesn’t get along with the business community
Rendell: It’s terrible - so sad for Obama
Gregory: immigration!
Bloomberg: let’s be realistic - we social security cards encoded with DNA
Gregory: how is my 401(k)?
Greenspan: I have no idea but I will say this - pudding!
Gregory: will you for President in 2012
Bloomberg: no I can’t get elected - I believe in evolution
Gregory: oh well forget I said anything
[ break ]
Gregory: Doris how is Obama doing?
Goodwin: he showed feistiness in Detroit and people need that
Gregory: what about Afghanistan
Goodwin: FDR invaded North Africa because people need to be entertained
Gregory: Obama says the American worker is a great investment
Halperin: but he’s a President with high unemployment and two unpopular wars
Gregory: what a terrible record!
Halperin: we should elect Republicans!
Gregory: why is Obama so unpopular and why won’t he support Charlie Rangel
Goodwin: I know he’s not liked but I think he should argue for himself and talk about results!
Halperin: Rangel is black you know
Gregory: really?
Halperin: I read that somewhere
Gregory: Hey Chelsea got married
Goodwin: they raised a terrific kid
Halperin: people are fascinated by the Clintons
Gregory: beltway pundits are hopeless village gossips
Halperin: indeed
Gregory: and that’s Meet the Press
****************************
This Week with Christiane Amanpour - August 1, 2010
Guests:
Nancy Pelosi - Speaker of the House
Bob Gates - Sec. of Defense
*************************
Amanpour: Nancy are Democrats turning against Obama’s war in Afghanistan?
Pelosi: oh not all - Republicans are turning against it too
Amanpour: are you against the war now
Pelosi: well I love the troops so I want to keep them in that quagmire
Amanpour: when do politicians finally end this nightmare
Pelosi: I have no idea
Amanpour: what does your gut tell you?
Pelosi: the facts tell me that it’s unwinnable and we’re supporting a totally corrupt government
Amanpour: so you are in favor of girls having their noses cut off?
Pelosi: hey I like women
Amanpour: sure you do
Pelosi: those girls are being attacked right now
Amanpour: Biden says we’re going to pull out 2,000 troops by next summer
Pelosi: it had better be more than that
Amanpour: you were going to drain the swamp and yet there’s Charlie Rangel wearing alligator shoes
Pelosi: let’s wait and see what investigation reveals Christie
Amanpour: pish posh
Amanpour: You are very successful Speaker and Obama drew crowds of 200,000 and yet Republicans say you suck - how did this happen??
Pelosi: I don’t see it that way
Amanpour: yet people are saying that-
Pelosi: which people?
Amanpour: you know ‘people’
Pelosi: oh ok
Amanpour: so are you nervous about November?
Pelosi: no not at all
Amanpour: yet people are saying you should be nervous
Pelosi: well ‘people’ are also saying Republicans are shitheads who wrecked this nation
Amanpour: But Gibbs said you could lose
Pelosi: heh - I don’t worry about low level flunkies
Amanpour: snap!
Amanpour: Tax cuts for the rich?
Pelosi: oh no the deficit you know
Amanpour: but you cut taxes for the middle class
Pelosi: strangely enough that’s popular
Amanpour: the GOP have turned you into a cartoonish villain
Pelosi: that only shows that they have nothing else to run on
Amanpour: why are you so angry and partisan?
Pelosi: this is about ideas - good ideas and whatever Republicans want to do
Amanpour: you’re bickering
Pelosi: no it’s an epic clash of ideas - ours and sucky ones
Amanpour: you go Nancy
[ break ]
Amanpour: Bill how can one teenager listening to Lady Gaga remove every document relating to the war in nine years?!
Gates: we’re trusted that kid!
Amanpour: that seems like a problem
Gates: yeah but soldiers on the front lines need to spend their time reading 92,000 pages of documents
Amanpour: we you angry to learn the war has been a waste of time
Gates: I had a sad - the enemy will learn all our tactics
Amanpour: a Taliban spokesman said they will get mad
Gates: uh oh
Amanpour: Wikileaks has blood on its hands!
Gates: We hate that in the military
Amanpour: does the Taliban have Stinger missiles?
Gates: no
Amanpour: do they have Stinger cocktails?
Gates: yes probably
Amanpour: should we leave that hellhole
Gates: nations around the world live in fear that the U.S. will not invade them
Amanpour: I see
Amanpour: what about the safe havens?
Gates: they’re very nice places
Amanpour: no I mean Pakistan should go in there
Gates: well that’s a lot to ask Christiane
Amanpour: well it’s seem like it might be necessary
Gates: we’re moving in that direction
Amanpour: but we’re leaving in 2011
Gates: good I’m sick of this
Amanpour: the bad guys will wait us out
Gates: we’re not leaving in 2011 - we’re thinning our ranks
Amanpour: the Taliban is planning a party in Sept. 2011
Gates: We’re gonna crash that fucking party!
Amanpour: Is American serious about Afghanistan or is it all a post-9/11 ragegasm?
Gates: Look it’s going to take time and we will have casualties
Amanpour: no shit
Gates: the war just started - give it a chance!
Amanpour: the Afghan people love us and want us there!
Gates: I know!
Amanpour: why don’t you go on tv and talk about it?
Gates: what is this - radio?
Amanpour: ha
Gates: Look Obama has been crystal clear - our mission is to degrade the Taliban and teach Afghans how to fire a gun
Amanpour: what about nation-building?
Gates: no we are there to get revenge for 9/11-
Amanpour: oh ok
Gates: -oh and also to create a new Afghan government and society
Amanpour: right
Amanpour: will you make a deal with the Taliban?
Gates: yes if they put down all their weapons and convert to Christianity
Amanpour: can you do that in one year?
Gates: no - but it’s all bullshit anyway
Amanpour: well thanks for coming
Nancy Pelosi - Speaker of the House
Bob Gates - Sec. of Defense
*************************
Amanpour: Nancy are Democrats turning against Obama’s war in Afghanistan?
Pelosi: oh not all - Republicans are turning against it too
Amanpour: are you against the war now
Pelosi: well I love the troops so I want to keep them in that quagmire
Amanpour: when do politicians finally end this nightmare
Pelosi: I have no idea
Amanpour: what does your gut tell you?
Pelosi: the facts tell me that it’s unwinnable and we’re supporting a totally corrupt government
Amanpour: so you are in favor of girls having their noses cut off?
Pelosi: hey I like women
Amanpour: sure you do
Pelosi: those girls are being attacked right now
Amanpour: Biden says we’re going to pull out 2,000 troops by next summer
Pelosi: it had better be more than that
Amanpour: you were going to drain the swamp and yet there’s Charlie Rangel wearing alligator shoes
Pelosi: let’s wait and see what investigation reveals Christie
Amanpour: pish posh
Amanpour: You are very successful Speaker and Obama drew crowds of 200,000 and yet Republicans say you suck - how did this happen??
Pelosi: I don’t see it that way
Amanpour: yet people are saying that-
Pelosi: which people?
Amanpour: you know ‘people’
Pelosi: oh ok
Amanpour: so are you nervous about November?
Pelosi: no not at all
Amanpour: yet people are saying you should be nervous
Pelosi: well ‘people’ are also saying Republicans are shitheads who wrecked this nation
Amanpour: But Gibbs said you could lose
Pelosi: heh - I don’t worry about low level flunkies
Amanpour: snap!
Amanpour: Tax cuts for the rich?
Pelosi: oh no the deficit you know
Amanpour: but you cut taxes for the middle class
Pelosi: strangely enough that’s popular
Amanpour: the GOP have turned you into a cartoonish villain
Pelosi: that only shows that they have nothing else to run on
Amanpour: why are you so angry and partisan?
Pelosi: this is about ideas - good ideas and whatever Republicans want to do
Amanpour: you’re bickering
Pelosi: no it’s an epic clash of ideas - ours and sucky ones
Amanpour: you go Nancy
[ break ]
Amanpour: Bill how can one teenager listening to Lady Gaga remove every document relating to the war in nine years?!
Gates: we’re trusted that kid!
Amanpour: that seems like a problem
Gates: yeah but soldiers on the front lines need to spend their time reading 92,000 pages of documents
Amanpour: we you angry to learn the war has been a waste of time
Gates: I had a sad - the enemy will learn all our tactics
Amanpour: a Taliban spokesman said they will get mad
Gates: uh oh
Amanpour: Wikileaks has blood on its hands!
Gates: We hate that in the military
Amanpour: does the Taliban have Stinger missiles?
Gates: no
Amanpour: do they have Stinger cocktails?
Gates: yes probably
Amanpour: should we leave that hellhole
Gates: nations around the world live in fear that the U.S. will not invade them
Amanpour: I see
Amanpour: what about the safe havens?
Gates: they’re very nice places
Amanpour: no I mean Pakistan should go in there
Gates: well that’s a lot to ask Christiane
Amanpour: well it’s seem like it might be necessary
Gates: we’re moving in that direction
Amanpour: but we’re leaving in 2011
Gates: good I’m sick of this
Amanpour: the bad guys will wait us out
Gates: we’re not leaving in 2011 - we’re thinning our ranks
Amanpour: the Taliban is planning a party in Sept. 2011
Gates: We’re gonna crash that fucking party!
Amanpour: Is American serious about Afghanistan or is it all a post-9/11 ragegasm?
Gates: Look it’s going to take time and we will have casualties
Amanpour: no shit
Gates: the war just started - give it a chance!
Amanpour: the Afghan people love us and want us there!
Gates: I know!
Amanpour: why don’t you go on tv and talk about it?
Gates: what is this - radio?
Amanpour: ha
Gates: Look Obama has been crystal clear - our mission is to degrade the Taliban and teach Afghans how to fire a gun
Amanpour: what about nation-building?
Gates: no we are there to get revenge for 9/11-
Amanpour: oh ok
Gates: -oh and also to create a new Afghan government and society
Amanpour: right
Amanpour: will you make a deal with the Taliban?
Gates: yes if they put down all their weapons and convert to Christianity
Amanpour: can you do that in one year?
Gates: no - but it’s all bullshit anyway
Amanpour: well thanks for coming
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