Sunday, June 29, 2008

MEET THE PRESS - June 29, 2008

Meet The Press
June 29, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Gov. Dave Freudenthal, D-Wyoming
Gov. Bill Ritter, D-Colorado
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, R-California
Chuck Todd

Brokaw: i'm tom brokaw - i'm not an effete Nantucket dude like Tim Russert I'm a working class guy from the West in front of a fireplace

Audience: but in Jackson Hole in the average home costs $900,000

Brokaw: shhhhhhhhh

Brokaw: Hillary?

Bill Ritter: Obama can win here people like his message

Dave Freudenthal: dave you keep flip flopping on Obama - McCain

Freudenthal: yeah but McCain has morphed into Dick Cheney

Brokaw: Dick is from Wyoming

Freudenthal: don't remind me that about that fucker

Brokaw: can Hussein win Wyoming?

Freudenthal: no but we are independent minded so you never know

Brokaw: Hispanics?

Ritter: Obama will win them because he is optimistic and smart and not an old, out of touch, pandering loon

Brokaw: McCain wants to drill in your state and build 45 nukes

Freudenthal: that's because he's an idiot

Brokaw: true but McCain was a POW

Freudenthal: i don't give a shit - Obama has a good environmental policy

Brokaw: you are sitting on a mountain of coal should we stop using coal

Freudenthal: hmmm, let me think about that ..... no

Brokaw: nuke plants?

Freudenthal: sure but also we have a lot of wind here especially since Meet the Press showed up

Brokaw: touché

Ritter: we have to have a national policy on greenhouse gases

Brokaw: will Woody Biomass speak at the DNC

Ritter: he's very green

Brokaw: give me an example

Ritter: at the Convention the media will be given recycled caviar

Brokaw: aw nawes

Brokaw: are at a stage in this national when laws might be different from Wyoming to Harlem??

Freudenthal: could be

Ritter: as a law talking guy I say we still should have the ability to crack skulls

Brokaw: just allow guns in DC

Ritter: right

Brokaw: abortion!

Ritter: we here in the west like fetuses in fact here they do goat-riding

Brokaw: the war!

Freudenthal: it's very nice but people really care about fueling their pickup trucks

Brokaw: should we leave Iraq?

Freudenthal: no we should stay and listen to the Generals

Brokaw: so why endorse Obama

Freudenthal: in the West we are independent for example we still reserve the right to settle disputes with a shootout

Ritter: Colorado has sent more national guard than anyone else so of course we love the war

Brokaw: does Obama have values like right wing evangelicals or is he a sinner

Ritter: no asshole he does have values - like he cares about the future of the earth

Brokaw: illegal Mexicans!

Ritter: our farmers and waiters all left

Brokaw: oh noes

Brokaw: this is where the Buffalo roam

Freudenthal: Bush sucks on that issue too

Brokaw: go bills!

Freudenthal: Kempthorne has no support from Bush

Brokaw: who is that??

Freudenthal: Bush's Sec. of Interior

Brokaw: oh that explains it

Brokaw: Cheney is from Wyoming

Freudenthal: people despise that fucker although he has pandered for us from time to time

Brokaw: can the West show us all how we can all get along

Ritter: that's right - the high elevation and rocky mountains and desert heat mess with out haids

Freudenthal: we're pragmatic if not we're going to get killed by a grizzly bear or an Indian

[ break ]

Brokaw: gimme your Russert love

Schwarzenegger: Russert promised to make me President

Brokaw: well you are a Republican

Schwarzenegger: its not a humor!!

Brokaw: you have presided over a depression in callyfornia

Schwarzenegger: doan be a girly-man!

Brokaw: your economy sucks

Schwarzenegger: what goes up must come down

Brokaw: you spend like crazy

Schwarzenegger: we're building levees and schools and stealing water for the next generation of desert dwellers

Brokaw: people hate you

Schwarzenegger: hey i had a great body building career

Brokaw: will the GOP lose all their congressional seats?

Schwarzenegger: who cares i hate them all

Brokaw: so you hate the GOP

Schwarzenegger: no dems have now Congress and they suck

Brokaw: you endorsed pander bear

Schwarzenegger: i love him but i disagree with him on everything -- it's like with my wife

Brokaw: how so?

Schwarzenegger: i'm with them both out of political expediency

Brokaw: let me quote the Mustache of Pandering - Tom Freidmann says Bush is evil

Schwarzenegger: look i'm just a bad actor with a lot of muscles - get off my back!!

Brokaw: you're a politician

Schwarzenegger: stop picking on Bush it's easy to pick on a guy with mental problems

Brokaw: housing crisis??

Schwarzenegger: dis ess vewy sad -- we must pump.... the economy up!!!

Brokaw: answer the question

Schwarzenegger: the economists lied to me!!

Brokaw: you should read more Eschaton

Schwarzenegger: is that a bodybuilding magazine?

Brokaw: explain housing to me

Schwarzenegger: eet vas a bubble

Brokaw: gays!

Schwarzenegger: i had a lot of gay friends in bodybuilding and it's wrong to ban gay marriage - although i don't like gay marriage

Brokaw: abortion?

Schwarzenegger: I support a waiting period and notification of parents 100%

Brokaw: Maria endorsed Obama - you guys are trying to have it both ways

Schwarzenegger: see we're not so dumb

Brokaw: I get that sense

Schwarzenegger: would like to see my pecs?

Brokaw: No thanks

Schwarzenegger: McCain is THE MAN!!

Brokaw: do you ever talk to Caroline Kennedy

Schwarzenegger: can you believe i managed to marry into the Kennedy family it's what i dreamed of as a sexually conflicted young boy in Austria

Brokaw: McCain's Veep?

Schwarzenegger: he should find someone with many muscles

Schwarzenegger: McCain can bring the parties together after all he has taken every position on everything

Brokaw: like you did in california

Schwarzenegger: yes exactly we should have no partisanship and work together just as soon as we recall all dems with lies and install Republican b-movie action stars in power

[ break]

Brokaw: tell me about the West

Chuck Todd: the West is turning Blue!

Brokaw: but they are can-do guys

Todd: yeah right the GOP went whacko and the allowed the latte-drinking america haters to take the West

Brokaw: McCain is a war hero and a maverick!

Todd: yeah but there are lot of young people out here and hispanics

Brokaw: so what?

Todd: the name Tom Tancredo mean anything to you?

Brokaw: the Dems are cheating by holding their convention in Denver

Todd: sadly they are having trouble selling out to corporate america

Brokaw: Veeps?

Todd: McCain needs to choose someone from the West

Brokaw: but he's from Arizona!

Todd: yeah but Mitt Romney could help with Mormons in Utah and robots in sillicon valley

Brokaw: Obama is running on the money from crazies on the interent

Todd: no traction yet but someday maybe in the future John McCain won't be fucked

Brokaw: thank you Todd here's your check from GE

Todd: merci

Brokaw: how many clintons will speak at Denver

Todd: two - Hillary and Chelsea

Brokaw: no bill?

Todd: no there will a MST3K tribute video

Brokaw: oarsome

The Chris Matthews Show - June 29, 2008

Tweety: omg Hillary endorsed obama!!

Kay: she took her lumps and did what she needed to do to position herself for 2012

Tweety: what about teh scary women?? why won't they vote for john McCain??

Gregory: dood he's a man too

Tweety: yeah but he's sexier than Obama

Tweety: a pole came out that said Obama is only leading by 15 points -- he's gonna lose!!

Borger: he's fucked -- 80% of the country say we're on the wrong track

Tweety: those scary angry women!

Brooks: yes they are irrational but those little pretty haids will come to their senses

Tweety: Obama’s so cool

Tweety: he won so he has to supplicate himself to teh Hillary people

Gregory: like Bill

Tweety: ha!

Borger: they ran an inept campaign so Obama has to ask them for all their great ideas

Tweety: how many white women can he seize?

Kay: the supreme court!

Tweety: the war!

Tweety: Bill Clinton wants to remain the first black president

Gregory: he wants cash

Borger: is Bill Mandela or dirty laundry?

Kay: i hope you get psychiatric help someday chris matthews

Tweety: who are the hardest - women or blue collar dudes or oldsters??

Kay: Reagan dems

Brooks: independents

Matthews: ha! Obama and McCain are not baby boomers!

Tweety: omg Obama will choose a qualified veep in case he's killed!

Tweety: dan quayle told us george bush was an idiot

Borger: hey they did win

Tweety: so who does he choose

Borger: bentsen made dukakis look small

Gregory: he needs a good smart guy

Brooks: he needs to make a marriage with a handsome man like joe Biden

Matthews: Biden can carry catholics and pedantic dicks

Gregory: evan bayh has electric charisma and youthful vigor

Kay: are you all fucking kidding??

Tweety: Biden will carry the working class

Kay: Joe Biden??? what the fuck??

Tweety: doesn't he need a war monger??

Borger: he needs someone smart in foriegn affairs unlike Obama

Kay: he and john edwards get along

Tweety: but he's a lightweight

Brooks: it's all about governing he should choose Sam Nunn

Kay: have you ever once left the Beltway?

Brooks: i did once it was a horrible experience i was served a steak that was not medium-medium rare

Matthews: oh god no one suffers like we do

Tweety: sum up the week!

Kay: Bush was right about Zimbabwe it is a shitty place

Gregory: Hillary will not be on the ticket - he needs a war-talking guy

Borger: young voters this time will beat the shit out of older people

Brooks: Pelosi voted for FISA out of a favor to Obama

Tweety: do voters want change or national security - dems or GOP?

Kay: change

Borger: change

Gerogry: change

Brooks: change and to stay the same

Tweety: pick brooksie!

Brooks: why not change to create security?

Tweety: omg you just blew my mind


Sunday, June 22, 2008

MEET THE PRESS - June 22, 2008 with Brian Williams, Joe Biden & Lindsay Graham

Meet The Press
June 22, 2008
Host: Brian Williams
Sen. Joe Biden
Sen. Lindsay Graham

Sitting in for Tim Russert, Brian Williams, but Don't Worry, He'll be Right Back, and in any case, We're Hoping You Won't Notice, or Will Stay Tuned for Another Paen to Timmy

Brian Williams: Ok, let's see if we can get through this

Biden: let my just pay homage to St. Timmy

Graham: dammit now i look like a dick

Russert: Obama you said money is bad and gave your word that you would take taxpayer dollars oh noes!

Williams: but how can we achieve the GOP dream of taxpayer-funded elections!!!??

Lindsey: Obama has broken his word not to take taxes for his campaign and I would like to announce the American people are obsessed with this and this is a game changer

Biden: yeah all 100 million people who donated to him sure noticed

Lindsay: he is a weak black man who is being played like a fiddle on Iraq by the crazies at Moveon

Williams: he cheated by being popular on the Internet

Lindsay: omg he is a calculating politician who cheats by taking positions people like -- the American people won't stand for it

Williams: McCain doesn't take popular positions?

Graham: no he does for example McCain opposed the GOP

Williams: but that is popular

Lindsay: see what i mean???

Lindsay: Obama lied - he must accept tax money!!

Biden: yeah you run with that

Williams: but Hillary attacked him

Biden: Obama beat me and he beat her and he's going to spank your ass to Lindsay

Lindsay: Oooh

Williams: David Brooks say Obama is evil he attracts Scarlett Johanssen and yet he's an untypical democrat he's actually trying to win

Lindsay: yes he's breaking an unwritten code in DC that democrats should lose gracefully

Biden: yeah, he's a naive, green, wet-behind-the-ears, vicious politician

Lindsay: it is so, so, so sad that he's has betrayed America and i thought he was America's Magic Negro!!!

Biden: did you just attack him for trying to win? heh heh

Lindsay: omg a President might re-negotiate a treaty how dare he seize Executive Power!!!

Biden: omg you are truly psychotic

Williams: but Fortune magazine says he wants a dialogue!!

Obama: [ enforce environmental standards ]

Williams: holy shit he might renegotiate!

Lindsay: so, so, so sad he could have been wonderful and now he's made me sad by being consistent

Biden: I'm just curious -- is the whole hour going to be Obama-bashing?

Williams: we're being balanced - we have you and Lindy on to discuss Obama's betrayals

Biden: got it

Williams: rush Limbaugh told me I was being fair

Biden: I’m sure he did

Lindy: we can solve the oil crisis if the liberals will let us drill in America

Biden: they can drill now!

Lindy: but the hidden oil will save America!

Brian: but you said South Carolina would oppose environmental spoliage

Lindy: no it's deep sea exploration way, way, way far away from america

Biden: which they can do now

Brian: now let put on my Intelligent Guy Glasses

Williams: Lindy you said drilling wouldn't help

Lindsay: yeah but $4 dollars a gallon changed reality

Biden: that's stupid

Williams: i met a guy in Afghanistan and he said wow you really, really love to hear yourself talk

Biden: ha ha i know a marine told me the same thing Brian

Lindsay: none of the soldiers in Iraq would shower with me

Biden: if things are going well in Iraq then why don't we leave?

Lindster: sure go ahead and cite the Generals

Lindsay: Saint Petraeus says the central front in the Republican election effort is Iraq

Williams: that's not good news for you

Lindsay: if we leave a war could break out

Biden: uh huh

Lindsay: we have to beat the brains out of al Qaeda

Williams: what about Afghanistan

Lindsay: that's all NATO's fault

Williams: Vice President?

Biden: no

Brian: but what if he asked you

Biden: i would say yes

Brian: that's flip flopping

Biden: no just flopping

Brian: thanks to you both and good luck in retirement Lindsay

The Chris Matthews Show - June 22, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
June 22, 2008

Matthews: John McCain is harry houdini - he has to smear Obama!!

Obama: $250,000 is rich!

Charlie Gibson: oh no the community college professors!!

Cramer: obama is right!

Matthews: but will he raise taxes on regular white people??

Cramer: Republicans ideas just don't work Chris

Sully: but the massive debt! It’s Obama's fault!

Chris: the dollar is worth one scudo

Kay: The GOP is screwed - but McCain is a mavrericky liberal

Parker: Obama is Jimmy Carter

Kay: [thought bubble] what the fuck??

Sully: you can't raise taxes when times are good or when times are bad

Tweety: is McCain fucked?

Panel: yes

Sully: he's trapped but then his innate charisma might put him over the top

Chris: really??

Sully: no just kidding - it will be fear of the black man

Chris: will Obama kill my nest egg?

Cramer: no!

Chris: wow we're making news here!!

Tweety: McCain is a creepy stalker! OMG! What a great actor he is!!

Parker: Bush oozes

Chris: wow!

Parker: but that's over now - take Bobby Jindal - he is not a Regular Guy

Chris: cause he's brown?

Parker: no he's skinny and smart

Kay: what the fuck is your argument Parker?

Parker: anyone can be a male -- skinny and smart and slightly gay or rough and tumble and dumping your first wife

Sully: alot of ladies like the idea of brute who has contempt for women

Kay: the Obamas are bad parents

Chris: unlike Joe Scarborough my hero who gave up his career

Parker: he's like Timmy Russert he will sacrifice anything -- even go on tv and spout nonsense for 5 million dollars

Sullly: VP….. Pawlenty!

Kay: Saudi Arabia will buy the White House

Cramer: they did already!

Cramer: i am guarenteeing housing will rise within 10 months

Chris: gimme a stock tip!

Cramer: O I L

Parker: Obama wants Florida so McCain will go with McCain/Christ

Chris: tim russert would have loved having the DC establishment talking about how wonderful he was -- that's just the unique, unusual person he was

Tim's funeral gave me great pride in America - and so we will look up and honor timmy, he was the Babe Ruth of Bobblespeaking

Tim Russert bought a house in Nantucket giving politicians a safe venue to set the political agenda - what a country!


Saturday, June 07, 2008

Sen. Hillary Clinton - Tuesday, June 4, 2008

Sen. Hillary Clinton
Address to her Supporters
New York City
Tuesday, June 4, 2008


Thank you south dakota congrats on deadwood!!!!

[ yay !! ]

I want to thank the looser barach obama for running a strong race

and i also want to call him my friend

and all Members of the Obama Cult

[ yay!! ]


and now i'm back in freakin New York jesus fricken christ

[ yay ]

he ladies, why didn't you vote me when it counted? This was my nomination for the asking demmit

[ yay ]

he old ladies if you love me so much visit and throw a little love my way

[ yay ]

and by the way i would have beaten McCain and been ready on day one

[ yay ]

and only because of me Puerto Rico had a vote that counted

and i did very well in the states where i was the only name on the ballot

[ yay!!!!!!!!!]

yes i lost but i won the swing states and represent the soldier and the waitress and factory worked and all the imporverished Yale grads unlike the fancy gay black Harvard doods

[ yay ]

every time you voted for me it was a prayer to Jesus Christ to vanquish Mohammed

and so, to all white judeo-christians out there, i say, i will still fight for you!!!

[ YAY !!!!!!! ]

having said that, i will fight to take back the white house this November!!!

[ YAY }

I mean we all remember when John F Kennedy was assinated only three years into his presidency

Darfur! Climate Change! Poverty!

[ yay!]

i see all the invisible poor people i have been working for you all the time i was on the board of Wal Mart and at the Rose Law Firm

[ yay !!!!!! ]

What do I want? I want to end to war i supported and to count the votes in states i supported to denying votes in!!

[ YAY!!!}

see i'm old fashioned, i believe public service is about marrying a dude who becomes president and moving to a state i never lived in a running for the senate and and running for president

[ yay!!!]

I don't want to hear excuses i want universal health care -- except for the time i fucked up universal health care

[ yay!]

I want
I want
I want
I want





Sunday, June 01, 2008

MEET THE PRESS - Guest: Scott McClellan - June 1, 2008

Meet The Press
Guest: Scott McClellan
June 1, 2008

Russert: welcome benedict arnold - Bob Dole called you a miserable creature with no courage or integrity

McClellan: i respect that old lunatic but i am indicting all of Washington

Timmeh: let me ignore all your charges and attempt to smear your character with vague charges of hypocrisy

McClellan: of course Timmster

Russert: omg you bashed Richard Clarke!!

McClellan: i got caught up in the Washington culture of smearing people with no reason just for fun

Russert: speaking of that let me attempt to trash your character

McClellan: i look forward to it Timmo

Russert: Ari Fleisher says you are weird - you seem to have a conscience

McClellan: yes i found I had one in 2007 believe me it was bizarre

Russert: no wonder the Bush administration is puzzled

Russert: you call Bush a liar -- that's very negative why would you say that??

McClellan: because it is true

Russert: what is that?

McClellan: what?

Russert: this whole “truth” thing

McClellan: it's like when something is not “false”

Russert: huh?

McClellan: you know, “reality”?

Russert: let's move on and play gotcha some more

McClellan: ok cowboy

Russert: you say Bush and all his people lied and hyped the war!!!

McClellan: they did

Russert: you say they lied about Al Qaeda and WMD and nukes

McClellan: and they did lie

Russert: but i could make the case that you were part of the propaganda machine

McClellan: i was!

Russert: but but but

McClellan: what is it Tim?

Russert: you are not fighting my gotcha game

McClellan: you are right i was part of the problem

Russert: but i got nothing else

McClellan: what's wrong Tim?

Russert: i'm a fraud!!!

[ sobs ]

Tim: it seems like a Bush is a complete moron

Scottie: at times yes

Russert: why did't you grab the President by the shoulders and shake him and "wake up motherfucker!!!"

Scottie: in retrospect i should have

Tim: you lied day after day

Scottie: because the President asked me to

Tim: well you should have stood up to him!!

McClellan: like you stood up to the head of GE and reported the truth on the war right

Russert: no fair they hold the deed to my house on Nantucket!

Tim: you misled the american people about valerie plame!

Scottie: yes i did

Tim: Rove says he used legalistic language to trick you

Scottie: oh for god's sake only a fool a Frenchman or Tim Russert could possibly believe Karl Rove

Russert: also david gregory

Scott: fine him too

Russert: but you lied to the people

Scott: no i said i asked Karl Rove if he was involved and i told the press that Karl said he was not

Russert: why use your words so carefully?

Scott: because Karl lies all the fucking time

Russert: you said that Bush is fantasist and a liar and criminal

Scott: yeah he's a right nutter

Tim: like what

Scott: he said he forgot snorting blow off Margaux Hemingway's ass at Studio 54 in 1978

Tim: is that believeable?

Scott: i sure wouldn't have forgotten it

Tim: your goodbye party was so happy

Scott: i got good at lying

Russert: will you donate $$$ to the troops

Scottie: will you donate you fancy house in Nantucket to wounded soldiers

Tim: heaven forfend that white pleather stains

Scott: thought so lapdog

Russert: what's the biggest lesson in all this

Scott: never ever ever trust Republicans not to commit crimes

The Chris Matthews Show - June 1, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show

June 1, 2008

Chris: how does Obama win the idiot vote?

Cynthia: he has to tie McCain to Bush and helpfully the base keeps pushing McCain to swear fealty to nazis and assorted loonies

Fineman: independent morons are the real deciders but john kerry had a really big head and that put people off

Chris: Obama is losing independents!

Kelly: he's a military guy which means he will salute bush and then call him a shithead behind his back

Chris: who is more independent?

Kelly: McCain because he believes in global warming

Chris: so does Obama

Kelly: but to be independent you have to buck your party so Obama must condemn reality

Chris: Obama is not necessarily a regular person - let's face it that's one hell of a tan

Cynthia: Obama is now an elitist with a father from kenya

Chris: when is Obama going to visit Iraq and see what's really going on

Kelly: McCain hates Obama

Fineman: yes it's shocking Obama welched and McCain is a thin-skinned nutjob

Chris: who is a good person Obama or McCain?

Cynthia: normal people don't vote that way

Matthews: i do

Cynthia: as i was saying

Chris: ha!

Cynthia: who is the real american here - Admiral McCain or Obama the dirty muslim who hates the flag

Fineman: McCain is stuck in the briar patch

Chris: oh noes the tar baby

Stengel: no one knows McCain

Chris: i had a five year love affair with john McCain i know him pretty well

Chris: OMG McClellan was hapless!!

Kelly: ha but really he hated telling all those lies

Chris: what a sweetheart he is

Kelly: i just want to take him home and cuddle him and tell him it will be all right

Chris: me too

Matthews: Scottie says Bush lied!!

Kelly: McCain is planning on smiling manically for the rest of the campaign

Matthews:: they trash Scottie but they admit they lied and committed treason

Fineman: yes they floated the idea that Scottie is a dirty hippie who works for Atrios

Stengel: yes Atrios was right all along but he has an agenda - he is in league with the Truth Lobby

Cynthia Tucker: that's old news

Chris: McClellan says if Bush had known he would have killed so many people he would not have killed so many people

Kelly: Bush is wonderful

Stengel: like Reagan wow he is great

Chris: wrap up!

Kelly: McCain Unleashed!!!

Stengel: Obama must pay fealty to Israel so say the people in Israel

Tucker: georgia is in play for Obama

Chris: he must go to Tblisi!!

Fineman: Teddy Kennedy will unite the Clintons and Obama and heal this nation and usher in a new progressive age

Chris: i had a crush on Joe The Forgotten Kennedy

Fineman: he was handsome yes

Chris: will Clinton like Joan of Arc lead her army to help Obama

Stegnel: yes to help Brand Hillary

Tucker: only reluctantly

Fineman: the key is Bill they are his people after all

Chris: make him DNC chair

Fineman: yeah that's a good idea