Sunday, July 29, 2012

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - July 29, 2012

Matthew Dowd
Robert Gibbs (Adviser - Obama Campaign)
Kevin Madden (Adviser - Romney Campaign)
Donna Brazile
George Will
David Chalian
Dana Loesch
Jonathan Karl
Dick Cheney

Dowd: wow I declare the Presidential
race is dead even!

Audience: who could possibly have guessed

Gibbs: this election is a choice between a
painfully slow recovery and utter disaster

Madden: no it’s about whether Obama
sufficiently cleaned up the
Republican’s mess and he didn’t

Dowd: that makes sense

Madden: unemployment is high and
Obama is crushing small businesses!

Dowd: your candidate went to London
and made a fool of himself

Madden: this election is not about
whether Romney is an idiot who
habitually offends our allies

Dowd: let’s hope

Madden: Mitt loves Israel!

Gibbs: how the fuck do you visit our
strongest ally and call them a bunch of tossers?

Madden: wait til he gets to Poland!

Gibbs: if you can’t smile and shake hands
without screwing it up you can’t be President

Dowd: Dan Senor practically
urged Israel to nuke Iran

Gibbs: Obama feels Israel has a right
to nuke Iran but if they do that they’re on their own

Madden: Israelis are kind of like
honorary Americans

Dowd: I suppose a bit

Madden: also Obama is weak and timid
and loves terrorists

Gibbs: Obama built an Iron Dome to protect Israel!

Dowd: Games of Domes!

Gibbs: you seize the Iron Dome or you die!

Dowd: economic growth is anemic

Gibbs: GOP policies crashed the economy

Dowd: that’s all in the past

Gibbs: he wants to cut taxes for
millionaires and billionaires

Dowd: excellent

Madden: it’s time for a change

Dowd: tell me why I should vote for Romney

Madden: he’s going to cut taxes and
drill for oil in Yellowstone

Dowd: politics has become so mean and negative

Gibbs: Mitt Romney is a prep school
bully and a habitual liar

Madden: Obama promised to made
Washington a nice place and has failed

Dowd: it’s tragic

Madden: we’re focused like a laser
on the economy by which I mean
building the Keystone Pipeline

Dowd: thanks for coming guys

[ break ]

Dowd: welcome panel -
amazingly the race is totally tied!

Will: Ohio is votes in October -
the peons are voting early
and it’s deplorable!

Dowd: interesting

Will: Obama keeps getting good news
and yet I still hate him

Brazile: of course you would oppose
people voting George

David Chalian: there is only one
swing voter left in America and he
doesn’t have proper ID

Dowd: wow

Chalian: Obama defined Romney
and Mitt let it happen

Dowd: oh noe what can we do?

Chalian: Mittens 20 will be released
at the Convention

Loesch: as a conservative I’m very
concerned that Obama will lose

Marcus: let’s not talk about gaffes -
they’re shallow and silly

Dowd: I’m glad you brought up gaffes
- let’s talk about them!

Brazile: Romney is a cretin

Loesch: even Piers Morgan endorsed Mitt Romney

Dowd: well I’m sold

Loesch: the trip to London went great
- he told the truth and offended some lefties

Chalian: Leave Mitt Romney alone!!!

Marcus: no one in Israel likes Obama
but the Israelis know a loser when they see one

Will: American Jews don’t like Israel
- the real support for Israel is with
American snake handlers

Chalian: Obama wrecked the economy!

Dowd: he did?

Chalian: I’m so excited for Obama to lose!

Will: we’re growing economically but not fast enough

Chalian: that is so true

Will: food prices are up because of environmentalists

Marcus: my favorite number this week
is that people disapprove of Obama
- god I love Romney campaign

Dowd: you really like Mitt that much?

Marcus: stop talking about Romney’s gaffes!

Loesch: Obama hates business!

Marcus: see - it’s out there! Obama is anti-business!
Obama hates America!

Will: Obama can’t explain Romney’s lies!

Dowd: is Barack Obama the worst
person in America?

Chalian: yes - he has made America a mean and nasty place

Will: true but Jefferson called Adams a poopyhead

Marcus: Americans are sick of lies -
also Obama is a communist

Dowd: um what

Marcus: the people deserve better -
however I will continue lying for money

Dowd: the Chick-Fil-A CEO says God mandated
we eat fried chicken on the go - also gays are evil

Loesch: he’s a Christian - of course he
hates gay people

Will: just like Obama six months ago

Marcus: I totally agree with all Republicans -
supporting gay rights is so repulsive

Chalian: liberals are just terrible people

Loesch: I eat gay-tainted food

Brazile: the first debate will totally
decide this election

Chalian: I’m soooo rooting for Romney

Marcus: who cares about debates?
Politics is a game!

Dowd: thanks for coming idiots

[ break ]

Karl: who should Romney pick for Vice President

Cheney: someone qualified -
in other words not Sarah Palin

Karl: tell me more Dick

Cheney: we have the fake list which a lie
and the real true short list

Karl: what about picking someone to
shore up support among women Hispanics
or another of the many groups who hate Romney

Cheney: that’s what John McCain did and frankly
picking a moron like Palin was big mistake

Dowd: but she’s so cute

Karl: not as cute and cuddly as Cheney
- he’s hilarious and adorable

Dowd: tell me more

Karl: in my interview with him he bashes Obama
and strangles a kitten

Dowd: I’m in love

Dowd: any inside tips on Romney’s Vice President?

Karl: don’t forget Paul Ryan - he’s a fighter!

Dowd: is the Romney campaign ready?

Karl: yes this time I swear they are!

Dowd: I believe you but sadly we’re out of time
- I could do this all day! Thanks for watching!

Cheney: fuckers
[ shoots tv ]

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Meet The Press - July 22, 2012

Gov. Hickenlooper (D-CO)
Kate Snow
William Bratton
Rep. Carolyn McCarthy (D-NY)
Steve Schmidt
Michelle Rhee
David Brooks

Gregory: wow - all politics shut down
because there was a mass killing in Colorado

Gregory: Governor what’s happening out there

Hickenlooper: we’re fighting back!

Gregory: good for you

Hickenlooper: we must translate our
anger into a renewed love of America

Gregory: what about the acts of heroism

Hickenlooper: they are so inspiring

Gregory: what about this loony shooter

Hickenlooper: he’s not cooperating

Gregory: there was a fast response
by police and other overpaid civil servants

Hickenlooper: yes thanks to 9/11 Americans
have developed a smooth response
to mindless acts of terror

Gregory: what was his motive

Hickenlooper: I have no idea Fluffy

Gregory: he had tear gas cannisters
two Glocks a shotgun and
an assault rifle

Hickenlooper: as is his right Constitutional right

Gregory: Mayor Bloomberg says
we need to limit guns in America

Hickenlooper: because of the Internet
diabolical terrorists will always
find a way to kill people

Gregory: what can we say to people to
make them enjoy the movie-going experience

Hickenlooper: Westerners are tough and
we will not let one psycho stop us from
exercising our right to pay $15 to see Batman

Gregory: what’s happening in the town

Snow: everyone is talking about
all the guys who saved their girlfriends

Gregory: what else

Snow: he had 30 IEDs in his apartment

Gregory: holy crap

Gregory: hi panelists -
lone gunmen are really scary

Bratton: indeed they are David

Gregory: Carolyn this must be very
traumatic for you - tell me all about it

McCarthy: these lone gunmen all
have one thing in common

Gregory: three names?

McCarthy: guns Fluffy

Gregory: his gun jammed

Chertoff: see - it could have been
much worse - stop whining America

Gregory: how should America
react to this attack

Chertoff: ignore the gun issue and
praise the cops and ordinary people
who risked their lives to stop the
guy with that firing doohicky

Gregory: he was building a fucking arsenal

Bratton: family and friends can help us
spot potential mass murderers -
if you see something say something

McCarthy: I see another guy with
a gun killing people

Gregory: Congressman Gohmert wonders
why those cowards in the movie
theater didn’t shoot back

McCarthy: indeed 50 people all shooting
at each in a dark smoke-filled theater
- sounds ideal

Bratton: he had four guns and was wearing a
bullet proof vest and body armor
- no civilian was gonna take him down

Gregory: we don’t need more laws
because he bought these guns legally

McCarthy: your logic is impeccable Fluffy

Chertoff: you can build bombs in a
kitchen so we don’t need gun control

Gregory: I’m sold

Chertoff: we just need to crack down
on muslim terrorists on the Internet

McCarthy: ignore the NRA!

Gregory: is our public discourse
too out of wack?

Chertoff: of course - it’s all the fault
of those darn bloggers

McCarthy: forget the weirdos on the Internet - Michelle Bachmann is certifiable and dangerous

Gregory: of course both sides do it

McCarthy: no they don’t Fluffy

Gregory: is America safe?

Bratton: yes it is - also these killings will continue

Gregory: they will?

Bratton: and idiot politicians will call for
more and more guns

Gregory: but these guns were purchased
legally so we don’t need more laws

Bratton: Fluffy you are a fucking genius

Gregory: what’s up panelists

Brooks: we must find mentally ill
people who slip through the cracks
- be they violent loners or in the
House of Representatives

Rhee: banning violent video games
is only part of the solution

Gregory: there is no debate on gun
control anymore is there

Shrum: not when even terrorists have
a right to buy a assault rifle

Gregory: that’s just common sense

Gregory: even Democrats say hey
he was building bombs so why even
bother with more laws

Schmidt: no one can take on the NRA

Gregory: according to polls Obama
is leading - this race could not
be any closer!

Shrum: yes but Obama leads
in the swing states

Schmidt: the good news for Romney is
that he’s running a terrible campaign

Gregory: Michelle please bash Obama for me

Rhee: there are too many high school drop outs

Gregory: that is true but Mitt Romney
is a vigorous corporate personal trainer

Brooks: Romney should not release
his taxes because I don’t care about that
- I care about how wonderful he is

Gregory: I’m with you Bobo

Brooks: he is such an amazing person
- I love him so much

Shrum: his tax returns probably show
he took a deduction for killing a hobo

Gregory: that could be

Shrum: also he wants to cut Medicare

Schmidt: no one has ever released
20 years of tax returns so why bother
releasing any

Gregory: Steve did you read all
Romney’s tax returns?

Schmidt: no I didn’t have time
to read 10,000 pages -
also I don’t speak Latin

Shrum: Latin?

Schmidt: they’re very complex returns

Gregory: you can tell us - was there
something really bad in there

Schmidt: I can say he is a
pretty decent human

Gregory: Michelle who should
be Vice President

Rhee: for balance Romney should
pick a human being

Brooks: we need a white man
to respond to Iranian threats

Gregory: the conventions are coming! squeeee!

Shrum: Pat Buchanan hurt the GOP in 1992

Schmidt: just pick anyone not named Palin

Brooks: Michelle Rhee is my hero
but we must never talk about education

Rhee: the American people want
to hear us bash teachers

Gregory: I can’t believe Penn State
took Joe Paterno’s statue down

Shrum: what the hell was it doing
there in the first place?

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press


This Week with George Stephanopoulos - July 22, 2012

July 22, 2012
Pierre Thomas
Mayor Steven Hogan (Aurora, CO)
Gov. John Hickenlooper (D-CO)
Charles Ramsey (Chief Philadelphia police)
Dan Abrams
Dr. Richard Besser
Stephanopoulos: wow the Colorado
massacre is the worst shooting
in American history

Thomas: he planned this for months

Stephanopoulos: incredible

Thomas: he was like a mad scientist
villain from a movie

Stephanopoulos: he bought a lot of
guns and ammo

Thomas: he could by tear gas and
assault rifles and experts are saying
nothing can ever be done about that

Stephanopoulos: why did he do it

Hogan: I don’t know

Stephanopoulos: your cops are angry

Hogan: he booby trapped his apartment
just to kill first responders

Stephanopoulos: you call him a terrorist

Hickenlooper: he wanted to create fear

Stephanopoulos: how are you coping

Hogan: we can’t let him win!

Stephanopoulos: it’s a good thing the
killing wasn’t much worse

Hickenlooper: there was great heroism

Stephanopoulos: impressive

Hickenlooper: it shines a light and lifts spirits

Stephanopoulos: how are the victims doing

Hogan: they are recovering from
being shot with a military grade
machine gun - so not so good

Stephanopoulos: Mayor Bloomberg
called for less guns while others have
said we need more guns

Hickenlooper: if he didn’t buy guns
he would have gone into that movie
theatre and punched or stabbed people

Stephanopoulos: no one knew the
suspect was crazy

Hogan: no he seemed perfectly normal

Hickenlooper: if we don’t all go
see Batman the terrorists will win!

Stephanopoulos: what do you want
to hear from the President?

Hogan: it means a lot to us that
he’s coming

Stephanopoulos: how is America overreacting

Charles Ramsey:  we are stepping up
security at movie theatres which
of course is totally pointless

Stephanopoulos: I like it

Ramsey: Columbine, Fort Hood, Virginia Tech, Aurora - how many more do we need 

Stephanopoulos: if only someone in the
movie theatre had a gun they could
have shot the killer

Ramsey: an untrained person shooting
a guy with body armor with tear gas
in a dark theater - what could go wrong?

Stephanopoulos: he passed a background check

Ramsey: gun violence occurs every day
- it’s a fucking nightmare!

Stephanopoulos: what would you do

Ramsey: how about mandatory gun
registration and no assault weapons

Stephanopoulos: will anything ever be done?

Thomas: we will guard movie theatres for
a few days and then throw up our hands
and massacres will happen again

Stephanopoulos: hey why don’t more
shoot movie theatres?

Thomas: they would but those concession
prices are outrageous

Abrams: his defense attorney is going to
the movie theatre first

Stephanopoulos: why is that

Abrams: maybe he wants to find out how
The Dark Knight ends

Stephanopoulos: is he insane

Abrams: he just a lawyer

Stephanopoulos: I meant the suspect

Abrams: a jury will not accept that he didn’t
know killing  people was wrong

Dr. Richard Besser: as a doctor I can say that
he was probably not ‘crazy’

Stephanopoulos: he wasn’t a psycho loner

Abrams: he can be crazy but legally sane

Stephanopoulos: heck you can be crazy
and be elected to Congress


Sunday, July 15, 2012

Meet The Press - July 15, 2012

Ed Gillespie
Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL)
Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ)
Bob Costas

Gregory: OMG Obama keeps attacking
Mitt Romney just for outsourcing jobs

Gregory: Ed did if Romney left Bain in 1999
why do SEC documents say he was
President and CEO

Gillespie: Romney left to save the
Olympics and America!

Gregory: so was he responsible for
decisions made after 1999 or not?

Gillespie: he retired retroactively!

Gregory: that’s hilarious

Gillespie: that’s the best we’ve got

Gregory: does he stand by decisions made at Bain for outsourcing jobs?

Gillespie: he had nothing to do with those terrible decisions which were made by Bain which is a wonderful company

Gregory: I see

Gillespie: also offshoring never happened and it’s sad that Obama would imply it ever happened although Romeny didn’t do it and it was
a good thing if he did do it

Gregory: does he believe offshoring is good?

Gillespie: Obama made Romney send jobs to China because he hates businesses

Gregory: I see

Gillespie: Obama is a European socialist forcing businesses to send jobs to Finland

Gregory: is offshoring good or not?

Gillespie: Businesses must be free to do anything they want!

Gregory: should we make Olympic uniforms in China

Gillespie: We should stand by our athletes

Gregory: are you having trouble
understanding my questions?

Gillespie: Obama caused the recession!

Gregory: Romeny said he had ‘no comment’
on the China-made uniforms

Gillespie: Romney will call China a
currency manipulator!

Gregory: why release only one tax return?

Gillespie: he’s very transparent -
he’s practically invisible!

Gregory: Romney told Ted Kennedy he should release more tax returns

Gillespie: Obama wrecked the economy!

Gregory: okay

Gillespie: also Obama is a corrupt
black guy taking payoffs

Gregory: we’ll leave it there

Gregory: Obama accused Romney of
committing a felony - that’s so mean!

Durbin: the SEC documents say he was
sole CEO and Romney says he had no role

Gregory: but the word felony is unfair
under the terms of Village Journalism

Durbin: what the fuck is Romney hiding
- he’s running from Bain and won’t
release any taxes?

Kyl: the Washington Post says Obama is fibbing!

Gregory: see I told you

Kyl: Obama caused jobs to go to China

Gregory: are you serious

Kyl: yes - Obama’s health care plan
sends jobs to Canada!

Gregory: should Olympic uniforms be
made in China?

Kyl: the government forces jobs out of America because liberals won’t lower our labor standards

Durbin: our tax policies encourage moving
jobs to other countries

Gregory: really

Durbin: we need a President who will
create jobs here in America and not
weird foreign countries

Gregory: should we keep the Bush tax cuts?

Durbin: yes - for everyone but the top 2%

Gregory: but the rich are such nice people!!

Durbin: well we need the money
to cut the deficit

Kyl: that’s true but the last people we
should increase taxes on are our
job creators

Durbin: it’s been more than 10 years
- when are they are going to start
creating those jobs?

Kyl: any day now - I swear

Gregory: will the election resolve this
issue once and for all?

Kyl: I believe the GOP will keep the
Senate which will put pressure on Obama

Gregory: so you think Obama
will be reelected

Kyl: let’s get real - of course

Gregory: so panel the issue du jour
is offshoring

Murphy: the cynicism from Obama is so sad

Rosen: Romney ran on his business
experience and Obama is talking about it!

Woodward: SEC documents?
No rational person believes those!

Gregory: true

Woodward: but Cayman Islands accounts
- that’s just weird

Norquist: Obama caused a decline in
America since WWII

Gregory: he did?

Norquist: indeed - his grandfather planned
all this while riding with Patton

Jealous: Obama hasn’t created jobs
and Romney is an unfeeling robot

Rosen: Obama has tried to create jobs
and the GOP in Congress keep blocking him

Gregory: maybe

Rosen: what if other Americans hid
their money in Switzerland??

Gregory: if ?

Murphy: it’s so sad that Obama is trying
to win this election by pointing
out Romney is a jerk

Rosen: the GOP are preventing progress!

Woodward: partisan squabbling iz bad!

Jealous: I miss Jack Kemp

Gregory: Jack Kemp is dead dude

Jealous: Romney should act like he
cares about the poor 99%

Rosen: do you have any other ideas?

Murphy: Romney has to act like
he’s proud of Bain Capital instead
of cowering like an equity bunny rabbit

Rosen: Obama needs to pivot to
be the inspirational cool guy
we all remember

Gregory: Obama says he need to
tell a better story about his successes

Woodward: Obama and the GOP have
equally failed to cut Social Security

Murphy: Obama is a terrible President
and Romney is a terrible human

Gregory: what about your no-taxes pledge?

Norquist: all bow down before me!

Gregory: let’s not talk about Presidential politics
- let’s talk about Presidential books

Rosen: Nora Ephron's book is wonderful

Gregory: fancypants!

Woodward: you can never go wrong
reliving WWII

Jealous: most people don’t know that Bob Marley helped write the Declaration of Independence

Norquist: I’ve mostly been reading kid’s books
about tax monsters under the bed

Gregory: Bob talk to me about the
tragedy of Joe Paterno

Costas: he was an absolutely revered football
coach but he enabled a child molestor

Gregory: but he was such a good guy since he ran
a clean and ethical athletic program except for
the lawbreaking and child abuse

Costas: his players usually graduated from the school and didn’t often cheat in class

Gregory: my god that is so admirable

Costas: however power corrupts and they built a fucking statue to Joe Paterno

Gregory: even so - how do you jump from sports hero worship to covering up for child rape?

Costas: the NCAA will give the school the death penalty - meaning not the actual death penalty
but they can’t play football for a year

Gregory: it’s death!

Costas: hey they brought this on themselves

Gregory: indeed it’s shocking

Costas: America cannot tolerate corruption outside the Catholic Church, Wall Street, Government
and journalism - this is college sports
- something really important!

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press


This Week with George Stephanopoulos - July 15, 2012

Mayor Rahm Emmanuel (D-Chicago)
Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-NH)
Matthew Dowd
Georg Will
Donna Brazile
James Carville
Mary Matalin

Stephanopoulos: OMG let’s play the Romney ad calling Obama a liar!

[ plays ad ]

Stephanopoulos: good morning Rahm -
Mitt Romney said Obama should apologize
for saying he shipped jobs overseas

Emmanuel: screw him!

Stephanopoulos: Romney says he
wasn’t involved with Bain after 1999

Emmanuel: he swore under oath in
SEC documents he was the sole President and CEO

Stephanopoulos: you can use words to mean anything

Emmanuel: you can’t be President and take
3 years off to play sports you know

Stephanopoulos: he was running the Olympics

Emmanuel: if he cant’ sand up to
Stephanie Cutter how can he stand up to Vladimir Putin
- that guy will kill you

Stephanopoulos: but do you really think Romney committed a felony?!?

Emmanuel: well he signed the SEC documents
and denied what is in them

Stephanopoulos: those were just legal formalities

Emmanuel: Mitt should man up and admit
he sent American jobs to other countries

Stephanopoulos: strong words

Emmanuel: hey Mitt - stop fucking whining!

Stephanopoulos: Romney says he released
1 tax return which is enough to prove
he’s rich and clueless

Emmanuel: he gave John McCain 23 years
of tax returns and McCain took one look at picked Sarah Palin

Stephanopoulos: what could be
in those tax returns?

Emmanuel: we already know about he
hid money in the Cayman Islands - it could be anything

Stephanopoulos: why is it bad to have
foreign bank accounts

Emmanuel: where are his loyalties
- to the USA or Luxembourg?

Stephanopoulos: Romney says these are
desperate attacks to avoid talking about the economy

Emmanuel: Obama saved 1 million manufacturing
jobs and Romney would have let them go bankrupt

Stephanopoulos: Romney also
says the stimulus funded foreign companies

Emmanuel: fuck that shit -
the stimulus created millions of American jobs!

Stephanopoulos: but some went overseas

Emmanuel: who’s gonna fight for
the middle class - Barack Hussein Obama
or the King of Bain?

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Rahm

Stephanopoulos: Kelly what about
offshoring at Bain

Ayotte: it’s so sad that Obama would
attack his opponent at a time when he needs
to rise above politics and let the guy with
Swiss bank accounts run the country

Stephanopoulos: why release only 1 tax return?

Ayotte: the American people aren’t
interested where Mitt hides his money -
they care that unemployment is high

Stephanopoulos: so exactly what is
Mitt Romney hiding?

Ayotte: Obama didn’t cut the debt!

Stephanopoulos: that’s all you’ve got?

Ayotte: Obama won’t cut spending also he’s cutting too much spending from the military!

Stephanopoulos: SEC filings say Romney was
sole CEO and was paid $100,000 -
how could he have no involvement with Bain?

Ayotte: that’s old news from Friday

Stephanopoulos: what is your explanation?

Ayotte: this has all been addressed

Stephanopoulos: just how has it been addressed?

Ayotte: Obama is raising taxes!

Stephanopoulos: what is Mitt Romney’s
economic plan?

Ayotte: he’s going to cut taxes for the rich
and raise them for the poor

Stephanopoulos: what else?

Ayotte: Romney has the experience to
turn this economy around!

Stephanopoulos: what experience is that?

Ayotte: at Bain Capital of course

Stephanopoulos: where he had no responsibility?

Ayotte: right - this has all been addressed

Stephanopoulos: so you keep saying

Ayotte: just make his President and
stop asking so many questions dammit!

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Kelly

Stephanopoulos: Romney says Obama
is lying and Obama says Romney lost U.S. jobs
- who is winning?

Will: good lord - Obama is beating this
hapless twit in a big way

Brazile: LOL

Will: in 1994 I was talking with this weird fop
called Mitt Romney and I thought I hope we
never nominate someone this out of touch
during a financial crisis

Matalin: people don’t care that he has a
Swiss bank account and it hasn’t hurt Romney

Stephanopoulos: really

Matalin: most people I know have an account in the Cayman Islands

Carville: Bain was going to help Romney
and now it’s toxic - deal with it

Dowd: Neither candidate wants to talk
about substance - so my fear is that
this my be a negative campaign

Stephanopoulos: OH NOES!

Stephanopoulos: what about his tax returns?

Dowd: of course Romney’s tax returns must have something bad - but he’s just arrogant

Will: Romney clearly calculated that the bad publicity from not releasing his tax returns was not as bad as hiding them so yeah -  there must be something really terrible in those returns

Stephanopoulos: oh my god - thanks for coming

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Host: Terry Moran
Gov. Martin O’Malley (D-MD)
Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-LA)
Steven Rattner
Mort Zuckerman
Gwen Ifill
George Will
Moran: the economy is pretty sluggish Marty

O’Malley: we’re creating jobs -
more than George Bush ever did!

Moran: so you say

O’Malley: to create even more jobs we need to
get rid of this do-nothing Congress

Jindal: we’ve lost jobs since Obama was
sworn in OMG

O’Malley: yes mostly right after he took the oath

Jindal: Bill Clinton and Albert Einstein both say Obama shouldn’t be reelected!

Moran: Karl Rove says Barack Obama
caused the recession in 2007

O’Malley: Mitt Romney lost jobs in Massachusetts - why would elect him President?

Jindal: he’s handsome and successful and turned Massachusetts into a socialist paradise that would destroy America if we tried it nationally

O’Malley: a bunch of foreign Swiss bank accounts isn’t going to rescue America

Moran: But Obama hasn’t created jobs

O’Malley: Mitt is going to give the richest
people tax cuts so they can move their money
to the Cayman Islands

Moran: Bobby are tax cuts and deregulation
the answer to our problems?

Jindal: the national debt is very high!

Moran: we all know that

Jindal: Romney wants a flatter tax

O’Malley: you mean he wants to raise taxes
on the poor and cut them for the rich

Jindal: he also wants to build a giant oil pipeline across America so it can be sold to the Chinese

Moran: what is his plan to boost the economy?

Jindal: cut spending and take away
the right to health care

Moran: what else

Jindal: Romeny demands spending cuts and
also attack Obama for cutting Medicare

O’Malley: we can’t afford to go back to an
insane Tea Party government or the
GOP will destroy America

Jindal: George Bush was President 8 years ago!

Moran: um what

Jindal: Democrat want to run against Richard Nixon - well he’s dead - I think

Moran: what’s the deal with Romney’s
tax shelters in Bermuda?

Jindal: who among us doesn’t hide our vast wealth in secret bank accounts, in Luxembourg, Zurich
and the Caribbean?

O’Malley: most people in Baltimore keep a
rainy day account in Vaduz

Moran: yes I saw that in The Wire

Jindal: Obama promised he would cut
the deficit in half!

O’Malley: right like Republicans always cut the deficit

Jindal: Obama would make us like Europe!

O’Malley: good - maybe Mitt Romney’s
will come back here then

Moran: what’s the relevance to his
offshore accounts?

O’Malley: Mitt Romney bet against America

Jindal: Romney will go to war with China!

Moran: well that’s something to look forward to

[ break ]

Moran: where are the jobs

Will: we are in a “growth recession”

Zuckerman: we are dead broke and totally fucked

Rattner: the stimulus worked

Moran: this is clearly all Obama’s fault

Ifill: voters care about one thing - ‘what about me’

Dionne: of course the stimulus should have been bigger - but we cut government jobs and we added government jobs under Ronald Reagan

Will: pshaw!

Dionne: if the economy is so bad why is Obama winning? Because the GOP is toxic and Romney is a weird out-of-touch rich guy

Will: the stimulus was a religious act and like all religions Keynesism sucks

Rattner: that’s crap George - that money went to rescue state jobs

Zuckerman: those so-called jobs were
giveaways to unions

Ifill: both sides do it blah blah blah

Moran: I agree with your opinion on
both sides blah blah blah

Rattner: This is the worst Congress ever

Zuckerman: the President controls every single thing in this country

Will: Ronald Reagan proves that at some
point the entire nation will wake up and decide to vote for Mitt Romney

Dionne: Let me tell you something George --
Obama is not Jimmy Carter and Mitt is
no Ronald Reagan

Moran: should Mitt vacation on an exclusive
rich-guy compound?

Will: Romney’s best argument that he’s a good businessman and Obama is trying to make
that a bad thing

Rattner: I’m in private equity too - but who the hell has a $100 million offshore IRA??

Zuckerman: I think Mitt Romney can relate very well to problems of the average billionaire like me

Ifill: both sides blah blah blah

Dionne: they went after John Kerry for wind-surfing so yes secret bank accounts in
Monaco and Phuket are an issue

Zuckerman: Obama is such a terrible leader he
won’t even meet with Mitch McConnell!

Dionne: he has a policy against meeting with
people who make his skin crawl

Will: Obama won’t talk about health care

Ifill: actually for the first time he’s
defending Obamacare

Dionne: yes but weirdly Romney seems to have no position on health care

Moran: to be fair Romney has no position
on any thing

Zuckerman: Obamacare cost two million jobs - it will have a devastating effect on the non-sick wealthy!

Rattner: Romney can’t run a Presidential campaign - how the hell can he run the Executive branch

Will: that’s a good point - god what a loser

Dionne: Romney is trapped between the Tea Party and wanting to win this thing

Rattner: that’s not fair - Romney’s own ideas
are all terrible

Moran: is Chris Christie too fat to be Vice President

Zuckerman: it’s down to two exciting choices -
Rob Portman or Tim Pawlenty

Rattner: as long as he does not choose a
complete idiot he’ll be fine

McCain: oh now you tell me!

Dionne: Portman is the anti-Palin -
steady, accomplished and able to speak
in coherent sentences

Will: I have the seen the future of the Republican Party and it is Bobby Jindal and Paul Ryan

Moran: dear god

Moran: hey it’s really hot out -
is climate change real?

Dionne: it’s not just heat - it’s non-stop extreme weather and it’s dangerous!

Will: it’s summer [ yawn ]

Dionne: what a surprise - the denialist
corporate whore is heard from

Will: it will get cold in the winter so nothing is real

Dionne: the planet is dying and this bow-tie wearing twit airily dismisses it

Will: it’s hot - get over it

Rattner: I despair for the future of humanity

Ifill: voters don’t care about “science” or “reality” they’re just hot and bothered

Will: baseball is the most popular sport in America!

Moran: except for football

Dionne: and basketball

Will: harrumph

Moran: and that’s another episode of
This Week on ABC


Sunday, July 01, 2012

Meet The Press - July 1, 2012

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-LA)
Howard Dean
Rich Lowry
Eugene Robinson
Savannah Guthrie
Chuck Todd
Gregory: Hi Nancy - is the health
care fight over?

Pelosi: we got rid of discrimination
on pre-existing conditions -
that’s pretty fucking awesome

Gregory: the GOP says they will
repeal the law

Pelosi: they all work for the health
insurance industry

Gregory: well corporations are
people who need representation too

Pelosi: this law offers better care
at lower prices

Gregory: Mitt Romney says he
will repeal
the law on Day One

Pelosi: that will hurt people
businesses and America

Gregory: I doubt that will stop him

Pelosi: Nancy smash!

Gregory: isn’t Obama a big failure?

Pelosi: no he isn’t Fluffy

Gregory: but the law isn’t popular

Pelosi: health insurers spent
$200 million on lies about death panels

Gregory: apparently it worked

Pelosi: people held signs saying get
your government hands off my Medicare

Gregory: that was awesome

Pelosi: people are going to get checks
in the mail because of this law

Gregory: the mandate is a tax

Pelosi: it’s a penalty on people who
can afford health insurance but
refuse to buy it

Gregory: tax!

Pelosi: these free riders have
no personal responsibility

Gregory: Obama did not sell it as a tax

Pelosi: it’s not a tax - it’s a penalty
under the tax code

Gregory: that sounds a lot like a tax

Pelosi: ok have it your way - all the
benefits are a massive tax cut

Gregory: Nancy you just blew my fucking mind

Pelosi: sweets

Gregory: you lost the House
in 2010 over this law

Pelosi: no we lost over high unemployment

Gregory: you didn’t sell the bill very well

Pelosi: that’s true but unemployment
would have been 15% without the stimulus

Gregory: unemployment is still high -
so why won’t you lose the House
all over again

Pelosi: cause we don’t have it now

Gregory: fair point

Gregory: what’s your slogan for 2012

Pelosi: Broadband and Bridges, Bitches!

Gregory: catchy

Pelosi: the Breadbox and Ballot Box!

Gregory: where are the jobs?

Pelosi: they went away under George W. Bush

Gregory: when are they coming back?

Pelosi: ask all the job creators
with their big tax cuts

Gregory: do you really believe the GOP
held Holder in contempt because
he’s in favor of voting rights

Pelosi: damn right I do Fluffy

Gregory: wow

Pelosi: we never got a straight answer
on political influence on U.S. Attorneys

Gregory: that was fun

Pelosi: we waited 200 days while
Bush and Harriet Miers stonewalled

Gregory: whatever happened to her

Pelosi: she and her cats voted 7-2
to strike down health care

Gregory: who were the holdouts

Pelosi: Muffykins and Mr. Whiskers

Gregory: some people have accused
John Roberts of putting the integrity
of the court ahead of the
Republicans’ political agenda

Audience: oh noes

Gregory: Bobby you will try to repeal this law

Jindal: Obama forced this law through
and now he cuts $500 million from Medicare

Gregory: will you reject free money for Medicaid

Jindal: yes - it violates fundamental
freedom and liberty

Gregory: ok

Jindal: we can’t afford more lazy
welfare cheats getting in the cart
instead of pulling!

Gregory: calm down you’re going to
erupt like an unmonitored volcano

Jindal: we’re going to become like Europe!

Gregory: laissez les bon temps roulez

Dean: we have health care in Vermont
while Louisiana leads the nation in early death

Jindal: but we’re first heedless debauchery

Dean: it’s free money - to turn it
down is just plain crazy!!

Jindal: those federal dollars aren’t free
- they come from your grandchildren

Gregory: good - little kids are annoying

Jindal: Obamacare caused the recession in 2007!

Gregory: Romney says he will repeal
the whole law on Day One

Dean: and drive old people into poverty
- like hell he will

Gregory: give him credit - he might

Dean: this is insane - Massachusetts
already did this and it’s working!

Jindal: Romney cares about
pre-existing conditions too

Gregory: he does?

Jindal: When Romney is elected President--

Dean: [ snort ]

Gregory: Romney once called a mandate ‘essential’

Jindal: yes but Mardi Gras is not held in Boston

Gregory: are you comparing a mindless
drunken orgy to emergency life saving health care

Jindal: where I’m from one follows the other

Gregory: I hear your state in infested with vampires

Jindal: the government now force people to
buy insurance or pay a penalty!!

Gregory: you mean like the state
government did under Mitt Romney

Jindal: never heard of him

Dean: 22% of kids in Texas don’t have insurance!

Jindal: just leave health care up to the states
- they can handle it!

Dean: did you even hear what I said?

Gregory: Bobby why are newspapers dying?

Jindal: because the media has embraced
cheap sensationalism with people yelling
at other over facts and analysis

Gregory: that reminds me -
we’ll right back with our roundtable

[ break ]

Gregory: Obama had a big win this
week didn’t he

Todd: it was a huge relief for him

Lowry: Obama is supposed to be
this big Constitutional scholar and
look what happened

Gregory: he won

Low: oh right dammit

Gregory: so now what happens

Lowry: Republicans must stymie this law!

Gregory: you guys never stop do you

Guthrie: Obama raised taxes!

Gregory: good one Savannah

Robinson: get over it - no one’s
repealing this law

Gregory: but the law is messy
and controversial

Todd: the American people don’t want
to keep fighting this over and over

Gregory: but I do

Todd: what is the GOP replacement plan?

Lowry: Romney should give a speech
saying a mandate is the worst idea ever

Todd: it was his idea!

Lowry: Tax credits!

Gregory: what about pre-existing conditions

Lowry: I call it the Sea World plan -
high-risk pools of uninsurable losers

Gregory: Romney will say the health care
law caused people to get sick

Guthrie: the law hasn’t been implemented yet!

Lowry: so how do we know it’s a good thing?

Gregory: John Roberts de-politicized
the Supreme Court - he’s so dreamy!

Guthrie: he is consumed by integrity of the court

Gregory: I love him so much

Guthrie: this opinion proves he hates 5-4 decisions

Greg: his vote made it 5-4 Savannah

Guthrie: he curbed federal power on
the Commerce Clause and spending

Lowry: he engaged in verbal gymnastics

Gregory: my god he’s awesome

Lowry: he re-wrote the law and that’s
not his job - he’s supposed to rubber
stamp every Republican initiative

Robinson: so everyone is saying Roberts
lied to preserve the integrity of the court - lolwut

Gregory: amazingly pointing out
Bain Capital laid people off is
hurting Mitt Romney

Todd: also his beliefs, stances, record,
proposals and personality

Lowry: yes but Obama is being
very mean pointing out that no
one likes  Mitt Romney

Gregory: the House voted to hold
Eric Holder in contempt

Guthrie: some in the GOP question how
many jobs this vote will create

Robinson: ha like they give a crap

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - July 1, 2012

Vicki Kennedy
Jack Lew - White House Budget Office
Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI)

Stephanopoulos: wow health care
is constitutional

Audience: woot

Stephanopoulos: what was your
reaction Vicki

Kennedy: Teddy believed health care
was a fundamental human right

Stephanopoulos: the cause of his life
was saved by a Republican Chief Justice

Kennedy: which is awesome

Stephanopoulos: Nancy Pelosi said
Teddy must be happy

Kennedy: she rocks

Stephanopoulos: what is the biggest
struggle now

Kennedy: people want health care
but they don’t like the law

Stephanopoulos: that is true

Kennedy: but no one wants to be
denied for pre-existing conditions

Stephanopoulos: of course

Kennedy: it’s a very exciting time

Stephanopoulos: well congratulations

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: how can America
afford this massive tax increase?

Lew: you mean the penalty

Stephanopoulos: LOL

Lew: if you choose not to buy insurance
you have pay a penalty because
you’re a free rider

Stephanopoulos: John Roberts says
it’s a tax ergo it’s a tax

Lew: why should free riders not have to pay

Stephanopoulos: it’s a tax!

Lew: no - one guy said it could be
considered one

Stephanopoulos: it’s a tax!

Lew: it falls under Congress’ taxing
power constitutionally

Stephanopoulos: it’s a tax!

Lew: no!

Stephanopoulos: will states reject
Medicaid money?

Lew: why would they - it’s 100% paid
by the federal government

Stephanopoulos: freedom!

Lew: ok

Stephanopoulos: Mitt Romney said he
will win in 2012 because people hate
health care reform

Lew: no lifetime limits, no pre-existing
conditions, insurance for young adults
- what’s not to like

Stephanopoulos: liberty!

Lew: Romney wants to give millionaires
$5 trillion and take that money from charities

Stephanopoulos: Obama voted against
John Roberts and then he saved
the President’s signature achievement

Lew: irony can be pretty ironic sometimes

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: John Roberts -
what went wrong?

Ryan: I thought he had principles -
oppose all liberal laws!

Stephanopoulos: too bad

Ryan: I’m so disappointed

Stephan: Romney said John Roberts
is a model justice

Ryan: it’s very disturbing that the
government can now tax people

Stephanopoulos: that is disturbing

Ryan: I can’t believe one man arrogantly
left this up to the American people to decide now

Stephan: you accuse Obama of cutting Medicare
but your own budget would cut $500 million

Ryan: Obamacare raids Medicare to
pay for health care - it’s an outrage

Stephan: you would take that money
and pay off the debt

Ryan: I would make Medicare more solvent
by taking money from it

Stephan: so you are not a hypocrite

Ryan: Obama said it wasn’t a tax and
now he says it is - OMG

Stephanopoulos: my goodness

Ryan: it’s very frustrating dealing with
Obama - he’s so fucking skillful for
a teleprompter-reading loser from Kenya

Stephan: do you like any part of this law?

Ryan: no - we will repeal all of it

Stephanopoulos: what’s your answer

Ryan: patient-centered provisions!

Stephanopoulos: you would get rid
of the lifetime limits?

Ryan: the free market has already
solved most of these problems

Stephanopoulos: it health care a right?

Ryan: no - rights come comes from nature’s god

Stephanopoulos: will this election turn
on rejecting health care as a right?

Ryan: John Roberts made this election
about personal freedom and liberty
or health care and enslavement

Stephanopoulos: right

Ryan: we have one more chance before
we are all marched off to FEMA-run
concentration camps and selected
by Kathleen Sebelius’ death panels

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Paul

Ryan: enjoy your last July Fourth outside
of barbed wire losers