Saturday, June 30, 2007

Hardball with Chris Matthews - June 29, 2007

Hardball with Chris Matthews - June 29, 2007
Guests: Lisa Myers, Peter King, Eleanor Holmes-Norton, Mark Green

Matthews: Our topic the is two cars found in London with petrol and nails first we’ll talk with terror expert Lisa Myers

Matthews: Lisa, i luv surveillance

Lisa Myers: yeah its the best - you nab suspects and innocent people too

Matthews: how do you trace nails

Myers: i dunno stupid those are pretty fucking hard to trace cause you know - they're fucking nails

Matthews: it's all crude equipment i thought we were up against an international islamofascist army

Myers: its both homegrown and yet there is also a link to Emmanuel Goldstein its fascinating

Matthews: its too bad you can't smell people on hidden cameras

Myers: its sad

Matthews: did Osama do this

Myers; it has all the hallmarks of al qaeda: multiple targets, explosions, and utter stupidity

Matthews: let’s to local NBC reporter Jonathan Dienst

Jonathan Dienst: because of those mercedes with nails in London there are lots of cops in NYC riding the subways, sniffing dogs, chemical detectors, bag searches, and random id checks on dark skinned people

Matthews: so nothing new then

Dienst: not if you remember Rudy's New York City

Matthews: should we panic??

Emerson: i highly doubt it dood this is probably a bunch of wannabe loosers

Matthews: Awwwwwww....

Steve Emerson: its not all bad newz i mean if this could happen in the UK then it could happen here that's exciting

Matthews: yay

Emerson: but this is a big failure of the British intelligence

Matthews: how is this a failure it was foiled

Emerson: but it almost wasn't ergo Bush is a great President and Gordon Brown is an islamofascist

Matthews: should we have Viewscreens in out houses?

Emerson: definitely or at least suspicious swarthy types like they do in Oceania they're way ahead of us in panty-sniffing technology

Matthews: do you think if we threaten them with life in prison they will tell us Osama was behind this?

Emerson: maybe but we have 10,000 FBI agents reading your e-mail and they only have 20 bobbies and this shows why that's bad

Matthews: let's talk to well known crazy person Peter King and the non-voting Congresswoman.

King: i got a secret briefing from my teevee on CNN and if it had worked this bomb would have caused massive bloodshed and carnage it was great

Matthews: bloodshed cool

King: we got lucky these doods were totally stupid but it just goes to show islamic fascists are eeeeviiill

Holmes-Norton: well i can't help notice that we're pretty fucking safe without rounding up all the muslims

Matthews: yeah but it's so sad we're in lockdown with our democracy

Norton: dood it could be worse thankfuly the bad guys are chattering about New York

Matthews: the bad guys chat about New York you say??

Norton: yes -- hey if you're listening terrorists, there are no good targets in my city it's empty - go to NYC it's crowded

King: yes, let me list a lot of potential great targets for any terrorists listening - St. Patricks, Grand Central, Penn Station...

Matthews: is this international or homegrown?

King: well i guesss it's homegrown which goes to show we have to fear all muslims even if they were born in america!!!

Matthews: i luv America but British muslims are scary

Norton: well it's all colonialism you see they hate their oppressors

Matthews: they won't assimilate

Norton: no way they hate Britain

Matthews: is that true Peter King?

King: right they've been there 50 years and still hate England

Matthews: wow

King: it proves even if a muslim family has been in america for three generations we can't trust them!!

Matthews: wow

Matthews: Mark Green yur Mr. Knickerbocker what's up

Green: i'm not scared if u see something u say something that's our motto

Matthews: well does that work

Green: Karl Rove said invading iraq would stop terrorism and the Democrats said law enforcement well guess who was right

Bernard: welcome to the post 9/11 world where even the silliest thing make everyone paaaaaniiiiiic!!!!

Matthews: i say panic first and target dark-skinned people at all costs

Bernard: i agree brown skinned islamofascists are hiding under our beds now!!!!!

Green: we've got way overboard and arrested way too many muslims

Matthews: wait a minute you’re not saying we shouldn't give in to our worst instincts are you??

Green: well dood there has to be line


Green: jesus christ people warned me about you but until u experience a Tweetygasm you really can't imagine it

Matthews: Stephanie has Scotland Yard announced whether or not you will sleep with me

Gosk: Matthews early reports indicate that that will never happen but it has been very exciting here we're all talking about massive loss of life

Matthews: well that’s some consolation

Gosk: Birmingham is eeeviiiiil

Matthews: i have to get the Republican perspective first lay it on me

Miller: George W. Bush is a fucking god among men he's bucked the polls and fought terrorism

Matthews: bullshit

Miller: well he's in Iraq and we're fighting the London bombers in Iraq

Finney: that is so fucking stupid

Matthews: any idiot could have built the London so-called bomb for god's sake

Finney: right, we could, i dunno -- implement the fucking 9/11 Commission recommendations instead getting bogged down in a civil war in the middle east which is creating more terrorism

Miller: we should be overseas after all there are terrorist overseas and therefore we should be overseas and iraq is overseas

Finney: oh my god do they build dumb blond wingnuts in a factory or something???

Matthews: how do we persuade young men not to be terrorists

Miller: easy - we bomb their villages from above, then invade their countries, take away all their power, and kill their families -- problem solved dood

Finney: holy shit you'll kill us all before you're done

Matthews: i had scheduled the black journalists to bash Hillary Clinton but i would rather talk about islamic terrorists

Robinson: the British have a stiff upper lip but this is pretty scary and they are worried about their ethnic minorities

Matthews: they won't assimilate!!!

Robinson: sort of

Matthews: they are our Mother Country it’s the Fear Factor!!

Wickham: this proves that invading iraq was a really dumb idea

Matthews: ok i'm really really scared of Al Qaeda as we blacks say in the NBA it teh Alley Oop how do we stop that!!??

Wickham: cut off the head of Al Qaeda

Matthews: where is he??!!!

Wickman: not in Iraq that's for fucking sure

Guest: give me a fucking break Osama did not direct this most lame of plots

Matthews: bush sucks what's up with that

Wickham: it's been a really bad week for Stupid but then that's pretty common for him lately

Robinson: well he got the schools re-segregated but that's small consolation the history books will not remember him well

Zuckman: his entire presidency his fucked

Matthews: no no no Ike Eisenhower, Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton all had a lot of sex in their last year in the White House!!!

Robinson: no way dood no one will sleep with Stupid

Matthews: well i'm the Last Defender of George W. Bush but I still insist he is sexy - George call me

Friday, June 29, 2007

Democratic Presidential Debate on PBS June 28, 2007

Democratic Presidential Debate
June 28, 2007
Channel: PBS
Location: Howard University
Moderator: Tavis Smiley

Tavis Smiley: hi i'm Tavis Smiley and as you can see i'm more compelling than our president and most of the candidates as well

[ cut to audience reading books ]

Smiley: u can't lead people if u don't luv people and so tonite we're going to ask the candidates how much they luv people and i mean LUV PEOPLE!!

Audience: woo!

Smiley: let quote Paul Robeson another man much smarter and more accomplished than our President and everyone else running

Gov. Deval Patrick: hi and if you can't see yur tv -- yes i'm actually black

Smiley: right on

Patrick: just because the GOP party totally sucks doesn't mean we're going to vote Democrat they've got to show they're for real!

Audience: yeah!

[ Interminable photo op of all the candidates ]

[ candidates mill around aimlessly ]

Smiley: The first question comes from the winner of an online contest:

Online Contest Winner: w.e.b. DuBois said race wuz a big deal in America. Is race still a big deal?

Hillary Clinton: you're damm right it is i mean sure you got Obama over there and Richardson and i'm kinda black since i'm a woman - but look at Katrina and today's overturning of brown v. board of education it’s terrible i'm just glad thurgood marshall is dead so he didn't live to see this

Joe Biden: oh yeah the Supremes are all assholes especially teh black guy - but remember when i wore the funny hate in the Alito confirmation hearings? I even made Mrs Alito cry!!

Bill Richardson: race is totally important in the USA and as you can see i'm looking extra dark tonight as proof i'm down with african americans

Guest: uh-huh

Richardson: i'm Latiiiiinoooooooo!!!!

John Edwards: i'm an honorary black because i'm from north carolina where there are lot of historically black colleges

Guest: totally

Edwards: i luv to talk about poverty and the 2 americas, its about education and health care and don’t forget fucking voting rights!

Audience: yeah!

Obama: well unlike everyone else what would i know about race [rolls eyes]

Guest: heh

Obama: but i'm also an american and it's good for america to make progress in this area

Audience: woo!
[ cut to al sharpton in audience sitting next to harry belafonte ]

Smiley: Well that a very boring answer Barack

Dennis Kucinich: I hear you someone stole my boots -- but anyway we need a constitutional amendment guaranteeing kindergarten, a high school education, health care, head start, college...

Audience: yay!

Smiley: ok that's enough

Gravel: dood don’t fool yourself this country will be racist for a long time here's teh proof the war on drugs is targeting minorities and inner cities when will we learn dammitt i pledge to legalize all drugs!!

Dodd: i live in Connecticut so i'm not going to pretend to understand the black man but i will say that schools in my state are segregated so i will overturn today’s supreme court decision toot suite

Smiley: don't cross me doods yur in my house but now i will turn the show over to 2 black journalists and 1 miscellaneous guy

Wickham: black unemployment what's up

Biden: the problems start when they're born like for example black mothers don't talk to their children enough i've studied this

Wickham: that’s your solution

Biden: smaller classrooms and better teachers

Richardson: people always say, ‘how will u pay for education but no one ever sez how will u pay for a war’

Audience: yeah!

Richardson: better breakfasts like egg mcmuffins with sausage I luv those

Edwards: this is the cause of my life!! but look there is no one single cause of poverty -- we need to start really, really, early like at the zygote stage

Smiley: oh ok

Edwards: also help unions and raise wages

Obama: more parental counseling cause black parents need a lot of advice

Smiley: sing it brother

Obama: we need more after-school specials like ‘dood i think my mom is an alcoholic my dad said so when he was abusing me’

Smiley: yeah that was a good one

Obama: these are all our children!

Kucinich: doods workingmen of the world need to unite and defund the war and cut 15% of the Pentagon budget!!

Audience: awesome!
[ big applause ]

Gravel: dennis u r too conservative i would cut so much more from the military budget the people must revolt!!

Audience: boo-yah!!
[ wild applause ]

Dodd: umm...yeah… well...uh... see.. i'm not that radical but i always support the black or african types working at the country club and Head Start is important...

Smiley: ok enough white dood

Clinton: hey I’m wearing pink and black!

Smiley: u look like an extra from ‘Grease’

Clinton: doods i've fought for education rights but let's be really fucking honest there is real goddam racism out there!!

Audience: finally!

Questioner: AIDS crisis what's up

Richardson: dood we need needles but we also have to go to the source in Africa and u gotta admit George Bush is really good on this i mean teh dude is on the cover of ‘Vanity Fair’!!!

Edwards: black women are much more likely to get AIDS did u know that

Smiley: yes i did

Edwards: anyway we should cure AIDS that would help

Obama: you are all missing the point too many black women are getting AIDS because we don't talk about AIDS in teh black community there is a stigma to it because of homophobia

Smiley: really I'm surprised u said that

Obama: wait there's more -- I’ll be really honest all these things like poverty and education and poor health care and behavior are interconnected like Paris Hilton said ‘its a vicious circle’ -- the black community has a disease to its immune system and if it’s not AIDS it's drugs or it's guns and everyone here knows it but they’re too politically correct to say so

Smiley: wow

Kucinich: the Keebler elves have suffered discrimination so i know what the black community is going thru

Smiley: that’s good point

Kucinich: we need to teach teenagers about sex but michael moore is right we need Cuban health care

Gravel: i challenge the whippersnappers on the stage to end the War On Drugs heck i'm on nine different pillz right now all i see are seven flying creatures!

Dodd: well im certainly glad i get to follow Mike Gravel… i can't tell u how happy i am about that -- anyway i know that blacks have obesity and diabetes and shit like that so…

Smiley: enough dood yur boring

Gravel: back back you flying dogs aaahhhh

Clinton: Right on Smiley yur my homey!

Smiley: i luv you too darlin'

Clinton: if AIDS were the leading cause of death of white women people would get mad and you’re damm right something would be done about it!!

Audience: oh yeah!!
[ standing ovation ]

Clinton: i rock -- though im not Paris Hilton heh heh -- lets fund AIDS its not a gay men’s disease

Audience: uh-huh!!

Biden: fuck u all so i'm white - so what!!

Smiley: calm down dood

Biden: goddammit i've been tested for AIDS with my partner Barack Obama and i told black women stop having sex and i even taught black men how to put on a condom -- of course my was smaller and I’m not ashamed to admit it!!!

Obama: whoa hold on dood i'm not gay i wuz tested with my fucking wife in Kenya cause you know AIDS is everywhere there

Smiley: if you say so dood but have Michelle call me if anything changes

Biden: hey I had a brief affair with Magic Johnson i got tested because i though i had fucking AIDS!!!

Smiley: warren buffett sez rich aren't taxed enough

Edwards: why is wealth taxed less than work it’s wrong

Obama: damm right look people don't want charity just basic fairness

Gravel: end the income tax!! It's corrupt! National regressive sales tax!!!

Dodd: oh good lord Gravel is giving me a fucking headache… I say we should give a tax break to Halliburton if they relocate to the inner city

Smiley: yeah thats a real good plan

Clinton: whatever dood all i know is under Bill and me the economy totally rocked

Biden: as a black man i say we should lower taxes

Richardson: zero taxes for technology start ups and the ones that hire doods in the inner city

Smiley: but that will never happen

Richardson: new jobs and -

Smiley: shut up -- ok what about blacks in prison

Obama: racial profiling is bad but then u get accused of being soft on crime

Kucinich: drug rehab not jail like the Hollywood kids do it

Gravel: nothing will change until you take to the streets with torches and pitchforks!!!

Dood: there’s a huge disparity in the quality of crack and powdered cocaine in this country and that troubles me

Clinton: I agree we need to look at powder and crack cocaine and get a better attorney general and president who isn’t hooked on both

audience: yee-haw!

Biden: a lot of doods get addicted to drugs in jail

Richardson: i learned about the plight of blacks from reading Travis Smiley’s book and i learned we should let Americans join a union

Kucinich: Levees dood! There are not even jobs for people in New Orleans!

Question: right of people from New Orleans to return yes or no??

Dodd: sure why not this debate was a big mistake anyway

Gravel: War on Drugs! Iraq is bad!

Clinton: I have a 10 point plan to address New Orleans hospitals, fire departments, police, workers, and --

Biden: its a national problem now lets go to town!

Richardson: it’s a disgrace I would support right of return also I support the ‘Katrina and the Waves Act’ of Representative Waters

Edwards: I would create a cabinet position just to rebuild New Orleans that dood would report to me everyday

Obama: everyone just assumed the people of New Orleans could just get in their air conditioned SUVs with their Perrier - the neglect began before the hurricane

Question: outsourcing is a big problem who’s side are you on

Gravel: no outsourcing is not a problem all my opponents want to fund health care on he backs of hard working corporations!

Dodd: finally an opening from the Senator Crazy! Yes I object to outsourcing I have a plan to prevent the Pentagon from outsourcing jobs

Smiley: how will that help dood

Dodd: it won’t it’s a gimmick

Clinton: sure it’s a problem I tried to help upstate new york with my 10 point plan its about better education and nine other points

Biden: tax breaks won’t do it we need to help corporations and build more tunnels and bridges

Smiley: tunnels dood ok

Richardson : I would beef up science and math education and ban slave and child labor

Edwards: my dad was fired from his mill because of outsourcing we need to stop tax breaks for buzineses that fired my dad

Obama: I turned down high paying law firm jobs to help people fired due to outsourcing - so suck it John Edwards

Kucinich: yur all phonies I’ve been arrested lots to times to protest worker conditions – when I’m President I’m going to cancel NAFTA

Moderator: dood you will never be president calm down

Question: We Americans did shit in Rwanda now what are we going to do in Darfur

Dodd: get our military out of iraq and into a safe place like Sudan

Clinton: send some UN Peacekeepers and provide NATO support

Smiley: not American troops that’s weak

Clinton: ok we could shoot their planes down like in Top Gun

Biden: I’ve been yelling about this for years create a no-fly zone and put American troops on the ground!!

Smiley: not bad dood too bad you can’t win either

Richardson: genocide is more important that sports so lets pull out of the Olympics in China also we need to address the massive rapes

Smiley: ok enough out of you

Edwards: what if we spent the money from Iraq to give every kid in Africa a high school education

Smiley: umm, okay...

Edwards: and fund stopping disease and economic development and clean drinking water and-

Smiley: yur done

Gravel: I’m thirsty and Matlock is coming on

Obama: save the kidz in Zimbabwe and save the world!

Kucinich: if Darfur had oil we would occupy it right now!!!

Audience: right on!

Smiley: someone shut Keebler up

Gravel: huh? What? oh right? I’m supposed to speak uhh...

Audience: we can’t hear you grandpa

Gravel: ehhh, you all suck I’m gonna go watch Matclock

Smiley: and that will wrap up tonight’s debate thank you all for watching!

Joe Scarborough in the Morning - June 29, 2007

Joe Scarborough in the Morning - June 29, 2007

Guest: Major General Batiste

Joe Scarborough: how badly off are our armed forces

Major General Batiste: they’re in terrible shape and this nation is not mobilized behind our armed forces although they are doing a hell of job

Joe: yeah they’re amazing and they're only interested in getting the job done

Batiste: that’s true they’re heroes but their government let them down and the Republican party let them down - the neocons in Congress and especially the President

Joe: The Republicans in Congress never stood up to Donald Rumsfeld it’s all his fault

Batiste: Iraq isn’t even the most dangerous nation in the world we’ve got bigger fish to fry

Joe: how many troops do we really need in Iraq to succeed?

Batiste: securing Baghdad is not enough - the insurgents are always going to go where we are not.

Joe: so how many?

Batiste: We need at least three times as many troops as we have now this surge is nothing but a tiny reinforcement

Joe: it is time to pull out?

Batiste: the solution is political, not military - it’s time to pull out and get on with the job of combating worldwide Islamic extremism

Joe: I completely agree

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Joe Scarborough in the Morning - June 28, 2007

Joe Scarborough in the Morning - June 28, 2007
Guest: Ron Paul

Scarborough: how is it that the party of Reagan ran up record spending and deficits and wrecked our fiscal situation?

Ron Paul: cause power corrupts dood

Scarborough: Republicans go home and every 2 years scam their voters and the voters are dumb and say “oh i have to vote for the Republican or we will have higher taxes and spending” and its all lies how do they get away with that??

Paul: oh they say they believe it but of course they use pork to please their constituents and use it to get reelected

Scarborough: it turns out Clinton was also right about limited military commitments too

Paul: yeah they're all liars about that too Bush campaigned against nation building but guess what the neocons got their claws in him and now we're stuck in iraq blame the people they don't pay attention

Scarborough: what's teh answer

Paul: the internet and bloggers

Scarborough: can't vote Republican and can’t support the Democrats because liberals are all hippies what’s the answer

Paul: vote libertarian dood

Scarborough: anyone else you like

Paul: tom tancredo

Scarborough: Rudy Giuliani?

Paul: my goodness no

Scarborough: well i luv u

Larry King Live with Paris Hilton -- June 27, 2007

Larry King Live - June 27, 2007
Guest: Paris Hilton

King: what the fuck is wrong with u

Paris: i have claustrophobia jail made me cry

King: how did u deal with teh claustrophobia in the lockup dood

Paris: i totally imagined i was in a special place like teh Viper Room

King: r u cured?

Paris: well now that i’m of teh jail out of course

King: was teh judge an asshole 2 u

Paris: my lawyer sez i should've got community service like polishing oscars or something

King: is this yur fault

Paris: i wuz immature but im better now

King: who r yur frendz

Paris: I wuz in with a bad crowd

King: so did u cut them off

Paris: i only had to cut out everyone in los angelez der all airheadz

King: do u know how 2 reed

Paris: i have a screenplay dood

King: do u want to be a mom

Paris: when i have kidz that will rock

King: r u in luv

Paris: no but i will have sex with a dood

King: what dood will have u

Paris: some crazy dood

King: have u found yurself

Paris: im looking dood

King: whats the worst thing about u

Paris: im a hysteric

King: when we come back we'll talk about Paris and her mental problemz
[ break ]

King: r u on drugs

Paris: since i wuz 5 yrs old ive had ADD

King: other drugz?

Paris: no way

King: MADD is mad at u

Paris: yeah but im a good example to the kidz

King: have u ever used illegal drugz

Paris: no never

King: r u a big drinker

Paris: no way dood

King: then why were u convicted of drunk driving and all the other stories i reed

Paris: dood people lied

King: yeah but yur on teh intertubes having sex with teh tri-state areaz

Paris: i wuz on teh dark path dood

King: r u mentally ill

Paris: like what do u mean

King: r u crazee

Paris: aren't we all a little nutz

King: r u back full-time to yur career

Paris: yes now i'm back to my job

King: wtf is it dood

Paris: I’m a buzinez woman

King: r u a party girl

PAris: im a social person

King: what don't we know about u

Paris: i dont take money from my family i do moviez and tv and i had a book on teh New York Timez bestseller listz

King: u have made many writerz very sad

Paris: dood my book about teh prison will rock

King: will nicole go 2 jail 2

Paris: i luv that little bitch

King: briteny spearz dish

Paris: shes hawt

King: yeah but shes teh crazee driver

Paris: dood thatz not illegal in los angelez

King: were u 2 privileged

Paris: I wuz in teh hilton bubble

King: r u normal

Paris: dood of course

King: yeah but u blew off teh legal system

Paris: fuck u, i wuz in jail and i did my time

King: lindsay lohan

Paris: shes hawt

King: is she yur BFF

Paris: we had sex but i dont know her

King: will u go 2 rehab

Paris: no way dood im no mark foley i have integrity

King: jail wuz it awesome

Paris: i ordered a Bible from teh commisary

King: letz look at yur mugshot

Paris: itz hawt

King: were u strip searched

Paris: yeah totally

King: tell me about it

Paris: it was humiliating and hawt

King: r u a criminal

Paris: no way dood its unfair

King: u drove without a license

Paris: its like a misunderstanding dood

King: read 2 me from yur journal

Paris: dood these wimmin in teh jail r in a vicious circle its so sad

King: teh new Paris will we see less of u

Paris: im totally mature and different now like i could be a role model

King: awesome tomorrow we’ll continue Whore Week with our guest Colin Powell

Monday, June 25, 2007

Gloom and Doom on a Sunny Day, Dude!

Gloom and Doom on a Sunny Day, Dude!!
by Emily Yoffe
The Washington Post
Monday, June 25, 2007

“Sunny days, chasing the clouds away...”

Okay, so I’m hanging with my girlfriends and they’re all like, “wow, it’s 75 degrees in January, this like really really scary!!!” and I’m like, “no way guys this is totally awesome!!”

This dude called Al Gore, who I think is like a teacher or something, is trying to scare us and bum us out with all this global warming stuff.

Like, what...ever!!! That guy is just trying to terrify a lot of innocent little children so he can win like a Noble Prize or Oscar or whatever. And dude, that is just so uncool.

I refuse to hear it. It’s hawt and as far as I’m concerned that totally rocks! Who wants to shovel snow when you can sunbathe in balmy weather??

Next he’ll tell me I can "get skin cancer" if I don’t "wear sunscreen." What a killjoy that dude is!!

You don’t protect people from terrible stuff by being all negative, you know.

Like my friend Stacy, she totally had an eating disorder. Finally we were all like, "Stacy, you should eat more or you will totally like die and stuff." Well she almost did die, but you know why she finally started eating??

'Cause this hunky dude Brad said, "Stacy yur totally hawt but yur too skinny." And that’s what did it. So it just goes to show you scaring people doesn’t always work. Guess Al Gore doesn’t know everything!!

Anyway, sure global warming is bad, but c’mon, it’s not like when the Nazis bombed Peal Harbor or when Saddam attacked New York City. It’s the weather dood!!

Now we hear Gore is gonna be everywhere this summer ('cause it warm, right!?) He’s got a movie and kid’s book and tv shows and a concert.

That could be cool and I like Leo DiCaprio (hey did u hear he’s gonna make a new movie with Kate Winselt? Sooo awesome!!!) But dood this had better not interfere with Dancing with the Stars or Deal or No Deal or the Duran Duran tour or I will totally not care about climate change or whatever they call it, and I think speak for many reality show fans out there!!

Ok, sure global warming could be real and destroy the human species and whatever, but, like, enough already with all the doom and gloom, dude!

I mean, the weather isn’t like out to get us or something, and if it’s nice shouldn’t we just sit back and enjoy it?? Hey look, Al Roker doesn’t always get it right so who’s to say??

(Whatever happened to Willard Scott anyway? And why isn’t he in An Inconvenient Truth??? Maybe he wouldn’t play ball??!!)

You can imagine my relief when I found out civilization won’t be shot until the end of the century, cause I totally hate the heat. (So do my dogs, Paris and Nicole, they just roll around on the bathroom floor, it’s soooo cute!!)

Anyway, the experts all got Iraq wrong so we should we trust them with weather predictions!!?? Give me a break, man.

You know, these so-called experts can’t even tell me what the weather was like 200 years ago, but they know what it will be like 100 years from now?? And for this I’m supposed to give up my Hummer?? (Which totally bitching, by the way.) I don’t think so!!!

The truth no one knows why anything happens anyway. And the weather?? It’s inexplicable, like why Ben Affleck keeps getting cast in movies.

Gore is just trying to scare everybody, even though he says he down on scary movies and stuff (Although you should totally see Scary Movie – it’s the best!!)

But you know, just because some egg-headed dweeb plots something on a graph doesn’t make it true. The real truth is your heart.

At least that’s what my friend Stacy says.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Meet The Press - June 24, 2007

Meet The Press - June 24, 2007
Patrick J. Buchanan
Congressman Luis Gutierrez

Tim Russert: okay this immigration bill would install radar detectors for those speedy Gonzalez-type illegals and allow illegal immigrants to stay here -- what’s wrong with that I mean dammit my lawn in Nantucket isn’t going to mow itself

Buchanan: this is rewarding massive criminality its fucking outrageous please fetch my fainting couch and pearls

Tim Russert: oh my

Buchanan: this is the beginning of a massive invasion they’re like locusts or African bees but much scarier and they wash dishes

Russert: wow yikes

Buchanan: they’re all brown and it’s like adding a new Mexico every 18 minutes

Russert: omg!!!!

Buchanan: the whole world is watching its like the 1960s protests but we’re protesting to send a bunch of people *to* the third world

Russert: wow i’m petrified!

Buchanan: it’s the beginning of the end of the USA!!!!

President George W. Bush [on tape]: it’s not amnesty and if you say it yur scaring people

Buchanan: no I’m not trying to scare people but it is amnesty and bush is a moron who won’t build a massive electronic fence to keep out the Brown Horde!!!!

Russert: so then president bush is full of shit

Buchanan: 500,000 criminals tried to break into my precious white country that’s as many as in the entire US Army we can’t fight them all omg!!!!!

Congressman Luis Gutierrez: its’ not amnesty its a pathway to legalization I means there’s a soldier in iraq and his wife is illegal and she’s being deported

Russert: so we pass this bill because of that?

Gutierrez: no but it will take 65 years to deport all these illegal doods and my guess is that in the intervening 65 years a few more illegals would come in to the US

Russert: he makes a good point dood

Gutierrez: the Irish, the Italians, and the Chinese all came here in the same way and if we banned immigrants it would grind the American economy to a halt!!!

Buchanan: no way dood 12 million is the number of whites who came here on the Mayflower and the nina and the santa maria and the pina colada its an illegal invasion!!!!

Russert: wow how do we get rid of them??!!!

Buchanan: just deport the child molesters and drunk drivers and rapists

Russert: what do Americas politicians have to do with this

Buchanan: look we just need to build a big fence hopefully with barbed wire and some electricity - zap!!!

Russert: u would keep dad and the baby but deport little Mommy are u heartless dood

Buchanan: no but look 2/3 of the actors in Los Angeles are anchor babies and we treat them just as if mexican citizens were white citizens or something

Russert: wow what's up with that

Buchanan: anchors only tie u down they should put them to work doing work no decent American would do like a sitcom on the WB

Gutierrez: Buchanan is obsessed with brown people and he’s casting a dark shadow they’re not all drunk drivers or rapists and anyway we need all these illegal workers to support social security for the baby boomers

Russert: Pat dood without illegals we would not have farming, cleaning, and the Tim Russert Compound in Nantucket would be overrun by gophers

Buchanan: bullshit the American blue collar worker is suffering and this won’t help

Gutierrez: hey dood who’s working the pesticide-ridden grape fields? Illegal Mexicans that’s who

Buchanan: I hate grapes so shut up

Gutierrez: I will not shut up

Pat Buchanan: wake up and smell the coffee its better than wine

Gutierrez: speaking of whining - all this talk about illegals on welfare is bullshit

Buchanan: who gives shit illegals get free America high school education

Gutierrez: big fucking deal who wants a US high school education

Buchanan: I wash my own car and mow my own damn lawn

Russert: holy shit my houseboy does all that

Buchanan: my dad used to work construction and it was great and I’m a friend to the African-American working man

Gutierrez: hey the illegals are getting fingerprinted and pay fines that’s a big deal

Buchanan: did u read my crazy diatribe of a book dood????

Gutierrez: it’s unfair to poor illegal immigrants that they have to compete with American workers

Russert: thats interesting logic dood

Buchanan: when Italians who came the losers went home and we got to keep the good ones and none of them were criminals it was great

Russert: ok Hispanics are all democrats does that worry you Pat Buchanan

Buchanan: hey pete wilson’s great political career was made on bashing illegals

Russert: dood pete wilson who??

Pat: ok good point -- but illegals are criminals ergo it should always be illegal

Gutierrez: I want to keep the good ones and fingerprint the bad ones and send them away

Tim: can Republicans win without hispanic vote?

Gutierrez: let me issue a thinly veiled threat approve amnesty if you don’t support illegal immigration you will lose elections - get it dood

Buchanan: what u are saying is a threat

Gutierrez: hey there are Hispanics on the Vietnam wall

Buchanan: we need hispanic voters but we can do without brown voters

Russert: whats the difference?

Buchanan: when u vote Republican you cease to be brown

Gutierrez: i would like to fingerprint the immigrants but look dood they are not hordes to us they sit in pews like normal wingnut people

Buchnan: aaaarrrrhhhhhhhhgggg!!!!!!

Gutierrez: embrace brown people or lose elections that's they way it works

Buchanan: i would rather lose elections that sit back watch a scary brown invasion!!!!!

[ break ]

Russert: Limbaugh is mad is immigration cracking up teh GOP

Harwood: it’s sad when a political party is in trouble the wingnut base has too much influence and bush is right u can't win without hispanic vote

Russert: but pete Wilson dood!!

Harwood: Stillson dood!!

Russert: David Broder we all know u will do anything and tell any number of lies to bash democrats what's up with that

Broder: the democrats need to do the nation's business which means doing whatever George W. Bush wants i speak for the people and they hate bickering

Gwen Ifill: david broder is right all of america's problems are the fault of liberal democrats they're always digging in their heels and standing for something instead of caving into the GOP it's so sad

Russert: it’s horrible

Ifill: look at the debate you just hosted they were fighting instead of getting along like we do in Nantucket it’s so awful

Roger Simon: that is so stupid David Broder is a senile right wing whacko and he is full of shit -- he doesn't know any ordinary Americans and this isn't a crisis it's a fake issue ginned up by Broder and his weirdo friends -- go after employers or don’t bother

Broder: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Russert: Hillary Clinton is "Slick Hillary" because she will not say Right Now who her Secretary of Labor will be!!!!!

Ifill: Tim Russert that's is so stupid nobody gives a shit Bill Clinton won by parsing words moron but only Hillary only get bashed by people like u and Chris Matthews interesting isn’t it??

Broder: i luv Hillary after all she is moving to the right and never answers any questions and she adjusts her message for every audience it’s all very Beltway

Russert: let's look at the Sopranos ad

[shows ad - Clinton “no onion rings??”]

Ifill: ha ha the unwashed masses are gonna feel jerked around from this like david chase did to me

Peggy Noonan [ quote ]: hillary clinton has to prove she's not a grimly combative cold heartless bitch

Harwood: Hillary won't swing for the fences she's more Ty Cobb than a Babe

Simon: Noonan is dead wrong people want competence not “who you want to have a beer with” I mean who gives a shit besides dood people actually like Hillary!!

Harwood: people are skeptical of Obama

Russert: is Barack Obama fucked

Harwood: no way he's exciting and charismatic he just has to stop fucking up

Russert: so it's between them

Harwood: no edwards is leading in iowa dood

Russert: Rudy's iowa state campaign manager is a crack dealer and he blew off America’s national security so he could fulfill his pole-dancing duties at Satin Dolls

Ifill: is it really a good excuse that Rudy told the Iraq Study Group to fuck off so could run for President??

Ifill: the polls don’t mean shit which is good news for Rudy

Broder: i don't know Rudy Giuliani but i hear he's a megalomanical nutjob

Russert: but Rudy on September 11 he was so wonderful!!

Harwood: dood some unannounced actor is beating the little cross-dressing fascist

Simon: Mitt Romney is a heartless flip flopping hypocritical bastard

Russert: Mitt's campaign guy’s are impersonating state troopers that’s pretty weird

Simon: this soldier from Iraq won the Bronze star and wants to be a cop and Romney stopped him so he could win the wingnut vote

Harwood: well that crazy but dood but Romney's real mistake was messing with a Times reporter -- do not fuck with the media!!!!

Russert: Fred Thompson is so cool!!!!!!

Harwood: yeah its weird but don’t count out Mitt Romney

Broder: Fred Thompson is a lazy arrogant fucker

Ifill: McCain is a real American hero because he sticks with idiotic positions

Russert: we should definitely elect someone like that

Ifill: Fred McGruff is spanking him without even trying

Simon: its all about hating on brown people with the GOP

Timmeh: let me serve some more as the Blooomberg campaign spokesman by describing excitedly how he could win and saying he is loved by blacks and whites and all the other miscellaneous ethnicities

Broder: they let me out of the home a few months ago to talk to Bloomie and i was wearing an onion on my belt and the subway costs five bees and-

Tim: ok enough he may spend a billion what's up

Simon: this is totally unrealistic besides asking people constantly to give you money is a great way to build a base of support and Bloomberg doesn't have to do that and it will hurt him

Timmy: dood i never heard that cause it's fucking stupid

Broder: i can't believe i missed Matlock for this show

Russert: he’s worth $8 billion I love it!!!!

Ifill: jeebus fucking christ all that is stoopid his only support is from the media apparently that's all Bloomberg needs

Simon: criminy this is a total fantasy Bloomberg can't win

Harwood: but Hillary is so evil if she runs Satan should run!!!

Ifill: Bloomberg is playing the media like a fiddle like in a contest with the devil in Georgia

Harwood: it’s like Ross Perot in 1992 because we also have a really bad President named George Bush

Simon: i like the way we talk about Bloomberg’s money and no one here knows what his positions are on anything

Broder: yur young whippersnappers are much too dismissive teh Democratic Congress is destroying America!!!!

Simon: dood do u think he could win

Broder: Absolutely!!

Russert: pollz say Democrats are leading for the next Presidential election

Broder: people in this country hate both terrible extreme parties

Ifill: I bow to David Broder and his senile ideas but really fuck off old man

Harwod: Dems should win in 2008 but then again Hillary is hated so who knows

Broder: Matlock's on i'm outta here

The Chris Matthews Show - Sunday, June 24, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show, Sunday, June 24, 2007

Matthews: Sullivan and Hillary were for the Iraq war before they were against it it’s awesome!!

Ignatius: she’s playing a fuzzy woman its brilliant

Matthews: brilliant!

Ignatius: even Democrats think we have to stay in Iraq but just open up shops that sells beads and patchouli

Parker: the lefty bloggers want hillary on her knees

Matthews: hey she's not monica

Bumiller: she’s attacked by the Code Pink ladies but they’re crazy

Matthews: she's shrewd she's using the left make her look tough it’s Sistah Souljah!!

Ignatius: well she's different from all the other candidates because she's actually running for President

Matthews: i luv sex and politics she's reenacting The Last Supper but instead of the special love between John and Jesus its between women that’s scary

Parker: hillary has no blond women supporters that will hurt with the Aryan vote

Matthews: she's has a lot of women supporters woman that will hurt her as Commander in Chief

Ignatius: what r u saying dood

Matthews: women as well as men won’t vote for a Commander who surrounds himself with a lot of women no real commander would do that like FDR or JFK or Eisenhower

Parker: Golda Meir!!

Matthews: John Wayne!! Patton!!

Bumiller: she’s tough and doesn't need the Anti-War Lefty Bloggers

Matthews: has she settled her fish with the Left

Ignatius: dood what the fuck r u talking about

Bumiller: the generals all like Hillary

Matthews: i hear that its so weird I mean how could that be she’s a woman

Mike Bloomberg: i luv me some Red Auerbach

Matthews: its hard to imagine teh NBA without teh blacks and Red Auerbach integrated it

Ignatius: no dood bill russell did and he was teh first black coach and he won too without yur white buddy Red

Matthews: thats true why do i always forget that part

Matthews: i luv Bloomberg he could win!!!

Stengel: Matthews dood yur excited but no one else cares - what does he stand for and how can he win Wisconsin??

Ignatius: he would hurt Dems because he is a liberal and a democrat dood

Matthews: this county is dying for someone in the center not a crazy liberal like Hillary or Obama or Edwards with their crazy popular ideas

Matthews: tell something i don't know!!!

Parker: Rudy's best friend is a crack dealer but the bad news is still to come

Stengel: oh it gets worse the media is finally to ask what the fuck Rudy Giuliani knows about foreign policy besides stationing our aircraft carrier groups on the 10th floor on the World Trade Center

Ignatuius: look for a massive 20,00 word article in the newspaper exposing Cheney as totally secretive evil controlling weirdo

Matthews: he’s like Dr. Strangelove without the charm

The McLaughlin Group - June 24, 2007

The McLaughlin Group - June 24, 2007

McLaughlin: Immigration and Iraq are allowing wingnuts to distance themselves from President Stupid

Zuckerman: yeah but the wingnuts still luv the war

McLaughlin: some of the crazies think Iraq is going great

Zucker: well that’s insane of course but they hope Petraeus will come back with a report saying we're winning the war in Eastasia

Clift: the wingnuts will begin to defect from Stupid in the fall

Naftali: don't forget only half of GOP voters like Bush and it's much less with those pesky American people

McLaughlin: McConnell sez September is the deadline

Freeland: the wingnut base still loves the idea of iraq because it involves killing people which they really like but immigration is about compassion and that makes them crazy

McLaughlin: Hamas took over Gaza now its a fascist mini-state

State Dept.: Hamas is a terror group so No Soup For Them!!!!!

Freeland: this is a great development if Hamas shows they can elect a good mayor they can run for President!!!

Clift: Bush's policy is to close his eyes and wish it away and this is a disaster not a good development

Zuckerman: no right of return!!

McLaughlin: ok so what then

Zuckerman: Fatah lost because they drive around in chauffered limousines and big villas so don't give Fatah too much credit

McLaughin: Give Bush a grade on his performance in the middle east

Zuckerman: B

Clift: F

Naftali: i won't answer but bush sux

Freland: C-

McLaughin: C-

McLaughlin: Bloomberg!

Zuckerman: he's a true hero and a bipartisan leader but he won't decide until February of 2008

McLaughin: Fred Thompson isn't even running and he's winning is there no Hollywood star the Republicans won't starfuck

Bendavid: he's conservative, consistent, and he's been in a lot of really bad movies

Clift: he's a like a crappy version of Reagan

Zuckerman: he's comfortable in his own skin

Clift: dood he's a fucking actor god u r so easily fooled

McLaughlin: let's look at the Clinton Sopranos Ad AGAIN!!!

[ Journey plays, Johnny Sack glares ]

McLaughlin: now give it a grade!!!

Zuckerman: A-

Clift: A+

Naftali: Boffo!

Freeland: A+

McLaughlin: yur all wrong it's an A plus plus !!!!

McLaughlin: predictions!!

Zuckerman: Lebanon will explode this fall

Clift: more generals will come out against the war

Naftali: some presidential candidates will drop out next week

Freeland: Bloomberg will run!!!

McL: no more money for Iraq!!!

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - June 24, 2007

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - June 24, 2007

George Will: the party process is too powerful to elect a third party guy like Bloomberg

Tapper: people say they want to get beyond the bickering but Bloomberg is a fucking LIBERAL DEMOCRAT!!!

Zakaria: people hate the influence of interest groups and Bloomberg is the most competent elected official in America right now

Steph: wow that's high praise

Zakaria: yes but what does Mr. Charisma stand for

Torie Clark: i would love it if he ran two liberals against one - awesome!

Will: money is not that important

Zakaria: he’s the best Mayor in history!!

Tapper: dood he's a liberal

Zakaria: yeah but we know he’s a fiscal conservative because he ran as a Republican

Steph: Rudy's guy was arrested for dealing crack

Torie: oh c’mon this happens all the time in the 21st century everyone has an employee who is dealing cocaine

Zakaria: Rudy’s a one-note campaign basically it’s "yur all gonna die unless you let me crack some brown skullz!!!"

Will: he's a liberal but that will help if he gets the nomination

Tapper: its not bigotry if you ask a man who brags about his faith is he really believes that the Messiah will rule for 1,000 years in Jackson, Missippi

Steph: dood was Elvis teh messiah oh wow!!!

Will: evangelicals think it’s a cult like scientology or Bobblspeak Tranlsations

Steph: Let’s look at the Sopranos spoof by teh Clintons

Tapper: Hillary is playing Tony Soprano so this means she's gonna get whacked

Steph: no he doesn't get whacked dood i asked david chase!!!

Tapper: well i get it it’s just a joke political ad but the unwashed stupid americans are not as sophisticated as us beltway pundits

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Meet The Press - June 17, 2007

Meet The Press - June 17, 2007


Ryan Crocker

Tim Russert: Ok Crocker the surge appears to be a total disaster of course that's just the Pentagon talking -- but it looks like these guys just can't get along

Ambassador Ryan Crocker: the Surge is going like gangbusters the surge is surging in Al Anbar and Baghdad!!!

Timmeh: dood is this a hostage video??

Crocker: true the violence has moved out of Baghdad but that's good news we opened up a Tastee Freeze downtown

Timmeh: well I admit that sounds tasty

Crocker: we're only at the beginning of the Surge but so far it's going great!!!

Russert: is this just wack-a-mole

CrackerJack: We have to control Baghdad and we're wacking a lot of moles there -- i've played that game and in the end it goes faster and faster its freaking me out!!!

Russert: is General Petraeus out of touch with reality

Cracker Barrel: no this dood wanders around Baghdad and on any given day 30% of Baghdad is not bombed how about that

Timmy: Colin Powell says the Surge is a stupid idea and will fail

Cracker: hey the good news is that while it's true iraqis are being killed they've learned new life skills like torture, dodging incoming bombs and how to treat a shrapnel wound

Timmy: dood were you built in a wingnut laboratory

Crocs: no I escaped from madame tussaud’s

Timmy: are we arming Sunni crazies?

Crocker Jarmon: the enemy of my enemy's enemy is my friend's enemy

Timmy: got it

Crack: the prime minister has formed a Committe to look into the fact that his country is exploding into endless uncontrolled violence

Tim: what a relief

Crock: truly we are on the verge of a Great Victory against Eastasia

Timmy: what happens in September

Ryan's Hope: we will give Congress a Polaroid of Iraq but it can't be developed until later

Timster: so it will be a pack of lies then

Betty Crocker: right - it will be full of warnings like Iran will attack us and al qaeda will take over - stuff like that

Timmeh: whats up with the Iraqi people

Croc Hunter: the Iraqis America put in power all seem really enthused about our invasion but they're on a 1,000 year clock

Timmeh: dood time to replace yur batteries

[ break ]

Eugene Robinson: the White House is really invoking the soft bigotry of low expectations in Iraq which means we are never, ever leaving

Katie O'Beirne: September is now regarded as really important conservatives are turning on this liberal president

Timmeh: Sen. McConnell sez Congress will turn on Bush unless he issues a fake report announcing success in September

Byron York: the White House is panicking people actually expect progress Bush has never faced this in his whole life

Russert: why does Reid hate America

E. J. Dionne: John McCain criticized General McLellan in the Civil War so he can't talk - but Bush will never ever leave Iraq we should talk about that

O'Beirne: Reid is dumb because Petraeus is very honest and the report will be an accurate whitewash

Tim: what happens in September

Lord Byron: i asked my conservative hairdresser and he said continued failure in Iraq is unacceptable and also I may have split ends it's a nightmare

Robinson: lets face it we have a true fuck-up in the White House

York: Conservatives want more killing!

Russert: yet another failure for Bush on immigration this is so sad because Bush knows all about this issue

York: the Republican Party would very successful if it weren't for all the Republicans in it

Russert: good point there should a liberal party with black and hispanic voters that would be interesting

EJ Dionne: wingnuts are finding out that Bush smears everyone who disagrees with him sweet ironic justice

O'Beirne: Bush had to sneak this past the American people and he failed because he choked on a pretzel the night it was supposed to pass

York: the people hate illegal immigrants of course i am a product of the Anglos sneaking into Saxony

Timmeh: will Bush do the right thing and pardon Scooter?

O'Beirne: well Bush is asshole which means he might turn on Scooter or pardon him just to be a dick

Timmeh: helps with the base?

O'Beirne: Bush's relationship with the wingnuts reminds me of all my bad marriages the little things start to irritate you like that constant breathing in and out

Russert: Scooter will get out of jail free card if Bush uses his plenary powers?

O'Beirne: Bush can't pass Go but will collect $200,000

Dionne: bush is in a no-wins situation if he pardon him he supports a crook who ruined the CIA if he doesn't the wingnuts will have a tantrum

Robinson: oh i hope he does the Dems will run with it

Russert: the Dems suck they haven't stopped the war

Dionne: they have to magically get more votes in the Senate or they will catch hell

York: what caused this problem is Reggie Walton is bad man

Russert: not Scooter's crimes interesting

Timmy: Eugene yur black what's up with Obama

Robinson: he's a cool dude

Timmy: Fred beats up John McCain

O'Beirne: i luv Fred Thompson he’s smart, sexy, he’s got charisma -- the real question is how wingnutty is he

York: The crazies don't like their choices they want a real wacko

Dionne: Southern Men luv a Rich Hollywood Actor Lobbyist

Timmeh: Hillary is strong

Dionne: she's got the money and liberal street cred

York: Hillary’s smart and Obama’s inspirational

Robinson: Obama is playing it cool he's like a jazz trumpeter in a club and it's only 9:00 pm dood's got all night

Russert: But the primaries! Six months! I've got my eraserboard ready!
[ break ]
Russert: big nasty fight between McCain and Mitt Romney!!

O'Beirne: McCain is flailing and desperate Mitt stole his baseball glove and all his votes

Tim: so sad

O'Beirne: McCain is with Bush on Iraq and immigration what a fucking genius

York: Romney has great shoulders but he's from Massachusetts that could be a killer with wingnut voters

Russert: happy father’s day to all the crazies out there I luv ya

The Chris Matthews Show - June 17, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show - June 17, 2007

Chris Matthews: Bush is a total failure in iraq what’s up with that

Howard Fineman: he blew his life savings in a gamble in Mesopotamia and he thinks he’s a success cause he hasn't killed anyone personally

Tucker Carlson: Bush does believe in democracy but he’s too stupid to realize that will only elect terrorists

Katty Kay: iraq is now the single greatest recruiter for terrorists way to go Stupid

Matthews: wow why doesn't someone stop the crazy man

Norris: yes he’s delusional but he really thinks he is a success because the twin towers haven't been knocked down again

Matthews: has ignoring Israel & Palestine been smart?

Fineman: in this one case bush made a mistake - shocking i know

Matthews: in this one instance

Fineman: with Bush as their friend Israel doesn't need enemies

Kay: America's reputation in the middle east is so bad now if we tried to help it would explode in our face

Matthews: bush may not invade iran after all i wonder why not it sounds like so much fun

Tucker: in bush's defense he did meddle in Palestine he made it worse

Matthews: bush put a Geico caveman on the court how come liberals don't love that!!??

Norris: we'll see if the Court bans women from getting access to fire and makes them become gatherers

Matthews: Democrats beat up Abu Gonzalez and gave him a black eye but to be fair he is an enemy combatant to the U.S. Constitution

Tucker: in ten years Justice Roberts will change his name Tony Soprano

Matthews: bush attacked conservatives - good idea?

Tucker: dumbest idea ever

Kay: bush will always be a failure as long as we're in iraq

Norris: he's totally screwed

Tucker: bush will be a only become a great president if thousands of Americans are killed again

Matthews: wow look at the uppity women and some of them are black this is crazy!!!!!

Kay: people luv Laura Bush she was not ambitious and she’s an excellent driver

Matthews: michelle obama went to yale or harvard or something but she's a scary black woman who will ignore her children its so sad!!!

Kay: no she quit her job she's playing a role from Leave it Beaver now

Tucker: no she’s re-enacting the sitcom cliché My Dumbass Slob Husband and it’s emasculating

Matthews: and who know more about what is masculine than you

Fineman: Michelle Obama can combine hillary's smarts with Laura's domestic bliss without the shifty behavior or vapid expression

Norris: she's sassy!

Matthews: i luv it!

Kay: bush is going to reignite a Cold War the Russians are mad!!!

Matthews: boy Bush is batting 1,000 isn’t he

Fineman: Mitt Romney just purchased the state of iowa

Matthews: what about my man-crush Fred Thompson and his toy red truck!?

Norris: Candidates will travel with their children except for Rudy who will have some from Rent-a-Kid

Matthews: will my new man-lover Fred Thompson get some head - i mean pull ahead - of john McCain??

Norris: yes

Tucker: absolutely

Kay: probably

Fineman: seriously dood get some therapy

Matthews Yes!!!

The McLaughlin Group - June 17, 2007

The McLaughlin Group - June 17, 2007

John McLaughlin: Iraq is in total chaos and even Gen. Petraeus is worried about the increase in violence

Pat Buchanan: Bush is crazy - but the big news is that Iran is sending weapons into 7 different countries we're going to war!!!

Eleanor Clift: Bush is a moron but the real question is will Congress give the Surge more time after 9/07

McLaughlin: they used to tell everyone September was the key date but that was just to get people to shut up for a while

Podhertz: the Big Surge just started its not fair i hate politics it’s so political

Lawrence O'Donnell: who the fuck needs a Report to know the Surge is a total failure??

Podhertz: The Surge is Winning - in Al Anbar we're kicking ass and taking names that's Rupert Murdoch's line and we're sticking with it

Clift: we arming the Sunnis we can look forward to massive civil war later

Podhertz: that’s good news we invaded Iraq so we could get al qaeda out of Iraq which only went into to Iraq because we invaded

O'Donnell: we will leave maybe in January of '08

McLaughlin: wow

O'Donnell: i mean 3008

Buchanan: kill! kill!

Podhertz: as a human being Bush should Free Scooter - no harm was done the case was a total overreach and Valerie Plame didn't get any torts they got rich and famous from this its faaaaabulous!!!

O'Donnell: they never even presented any kind of defense they always campaigned for a pardon -- and dood a Republican judge said he was overwhelmingly guilty

Buchanan: Cheney will threaten to shoot Bush unless he pardons Scooter

Podhertz: Scooter is innocent and he was found innocent a court of law i can't believe this the Plames are living the life fantaaaaaaastic!!!

Clift: he was found guilty u idiot

Buchanan: god fucking dammit if the Watergate guys didn't get pardons i don't want Scooter to get one

McLaughlin: what about loyalty dood

Buchanan: Libby has to be loyal to Bush and go to prison like Liddy

Podhertz: let Bush pardon him everyone hates him anyway

McLaughlin: 4th Circuit upholds habeus corpus!

Buchanan: even i agree that the Magna Carta wasn't entirely a bad idea

Podhertz: this is a tough call i mean what should we do with someone we have evidence is a criminal

O'Donnell: gosh i don't know maybe charge them in a court of law

Podhertz: law -- what is law???

John: Predictions!

Pat: we're gonna bomb Iran in the fall

Clift: Congress will repeal the tax loophole on SUVs

Podhertz: Congress will repeal loophole on guys making $200 million per year its so sad

O'Donnell: Who ever the nominee is they will choose Wesley Clark as their VP

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Hardball - June 15, 2007

Hardball - June 15, 2007
David Shuster: Bush is at 29% but on the up side Scooter is going to prison, Hamas took over Palestine, Russia says we destroyed the space station, the base is mad over immigration and the whole country hates him

Mike Barnicle: dood that’s harsh

Shuster: his only friend is ted kennedy

Barnicle: may I observe that yur both very handsome men

Alex Castellanos: thank u dood but Chris Matthews is on vacation u can cool it

Barnicle: sorry force of habit - bush is in freefall what's up

Castellanos: being President is hard work and I fully concede he is a disaster but look MSNBC is doing well why don't people talk about that??

Bob Shrum: the Republicans are all running away from President Bush like he's toxic

Castellanos: we have the courage to pretend he-who-must-not-be-named doesn’t exist

Shrum: say it, b-u-s-h say it say it

Castellanos: no and u can’t make me!!

Barnicle: when Stupid talks about illegal immigrants he actually sounds like he cares

Castellanos: the GOP has always been the party of downtrodden minorities like the irish or mexicans

Barnicle: dood taking their money 100 years after they get here doesn't count

Castellanos: this guy named George Washington promised he would seal the borders i hate take him off the dollar and the quarter and replace him with Reagan and Nixon

Barnicle: not Stupid?

Castellanos: don’t say his name - bad dobby! bad!

Barnicle: so if we take Washington off who do we put on Mt. Rushmore dood

Castellanos: Mitt Romney

Barnicle: you're kidding right

Castellanos: no Mitt's got big shoulders and he luvs immigrants they're faaaaaabulous!!!!!!

Barnicle: Harry Reid hates America he bashed our High Priest Warrior who stands for all the nice boys and girls in Iraq

Castellanos: the precious fighting men and women of america are in harm's way so how dare harry reid try make the war work – we owe it to the children of america who are in danger never to question they way the war is fought

Shrum: dood the war sux

Castellanos: bill clinton destroyed america i don't know if we can ever recover

Barnicle: let me trot out a tired cliche that this is a partisan and divided city and nothing ever gets done and this sooooo terrible

Castellanos: how do u solve partisanship? It's very simple - democrats just have to admit they hate America and support terrorists, communists, alger hiss, eugene v. debs, john brown and that motherfucker thomas paine

Barnicle: dood u forgot martin luther king

Castellanos: no i said commies

Barnicle: the Dems were elected to end the war and won't it's a betrayal of the lefty bloggers!!!!

Joe Trippi: Congress should hit bush with their purse

Barnicle: that’s fringe netroot thinking

Trippi: no that’s mainstream thinking in America - but in their defense Congress only has a one vote majority

Karen Hanretty: the American people hate the war but the people don't know what they want

Barnicle: unpossible!!!

Hanretty: no my logic is impeccable if the people wanted it to end it would happen but the war continues ergo the people must want it

Barnicle: the American people think daily about al-Maliki and think he’s a motherfucker

Hanretty: they're confused for example they know the war sucks but they also fear what will happen if we leave

Trippi: people are angry and fear we’re gonna be stuck there for 50 years

Barnicle: whatever happened to the Democratic Party they won't cut the funding!!!!

Trippi: i like John Edwards he sez just cut off all the money now

Hanretty: call me crazy but if politicians thought ending it was popular and would get them votes they would do it!!!

Trippi: well sometimes you have to go against the people and do what's right

Hanretty: dood u just said it's really popular now you say it isn't which is it?!

Trippi: i dunno just end the war

Harry Reid: [on tape] i told General Pace that he sux

Barnicle: OMG!! he hates America!!!

Hanretty: we're waiting for September in DC Gen. Petraeus is a God-Like figure he's not partisan he can only tell The Truth

Barnicle: so sad kids will die in the meantime why wait until then

Trippi: Edwards had the courage to leave the Senate and talk about this in Iowa - that’s real leadership

Hanretty: i talked about this with the bodybuilding weirdo from The Terminator and he agreed we should stay in Iraq for 10 years

Barnicle: well that makes sense what did Sly Stallone have to say

Hanretty: no candidate is talking about terrorism!!!

Trippi: are you kidding that’s all they ever talk about

Hanretty: Edwards has never ever said terror is bad

Trippi: oh ok you’re just a McCarthyite demagogue

Hangretty: Edwards never said Explode on Impact!!

Trippi: u are a total psycho

Hangetty: a real policy would show the candidate's muscles and our anabolic steroid Might would should elect Conan the Barbarian!!!

Chris Cillizza: only 29 people like Bush and they're all Regents grads

Barnicle: halleluja!

Cillizza: Congress used to be a rubber stamp now they're rubber and he's glue

A.B. Stoddard: Bush actually believes he's having a good week

Barnicle: wow he is one crazy motherfucker

Stoddard: immigration is his Final Frontier he going to go to low polls numbers where no President has gone before

Barnicle: Even Scotty can’t help him now

Cilizza: the worse it is the more Bush acts like he’s out of touch with reality

Barnicle: Bush is like some asshole houseguest who won't fucking leave
[ break ]

Barnicle: women luv Bill Clinton and that helps Hillary

Cillizza: i'm fascinated by overanalyzing the polls but i'm anal that way

Stoddard: Hillary tried to convince people she was actually elected to the Senate in fact she gave the Commissioner of Elections for New York State a blowjob

Barnicle: well then how come Chris Matthews isn't a Senator

Cilizza: i'm stunned by the cliche that since 1879 we've had a Bush or Clinton or Cleveland or Taft on the ballot

Barnicle: whats the deal with black people

Stoddard: my black friends tell me Obama sucks - my pearls and headband speak to my authenticity

Cilizza: i speak for the black voter they still have their doubts about Obama

Jim Webb: i oppose the fact that we never had any kind of strategy in Iraq but i sent my son there cause thats what we Webbs do

Baricle: i'm in awe of people like Jim Webb i have to call my wife for help when there's a spider in bathtub

Cilizza: tell me about it i'm afraid of dust bunnies

Barnicle: yikes

Cillizza: Webb took down Macaca because of his Marine street cred but no one never serves now unlike the really cool WWII Generation

Barnicle: don't get me started on teh Greatest Generation they're the best

Stoddard: McCain has a kid in the war but he never talks about it because the media will do it for him

Barnicle: when i go to the store or get gas i never run into anyone serving in Iraq why is that

Stoddard: maybe because you live in Boston dood

Barnicle: oh right well if i run into an IED i'll let u know -- happy father's day except of course for those kids who's dad was killed in iraq that sucks

Hardball - June 14, 2007

Hardball - June 14, 2007

Mike Barnicle: should Scooter Libby be pardoned?

Ron Christie: Scooter Libby didn't break the law this is all a conspiracy by the CIA – oh sure since 9/11 his mind has never been right but this case is a travesty of two shams of a travesty

Pat Buchanan: are u fucking high? Nixon didn't pardon any of us and i'll be dammned is the Texas Mafia is gonna get off - of course Scooter’s a crook don’t pardon him

Barnicle: well now I’ve heard from both sides - Republicans and Conservatives

Buchanan: he lied under oath he’s gotta to pay a price

Christie: reasonable can disagree – i say he’s innocent, the Jury says he’s not in our crazy topsy-turvy world who’s to say which is right???

Barnicle: that’s a good point

Buchanan: the fucking jury found him guilty stupid

Christie: but the prosecutor cheated by bringing in facts – i'm a lawyer and i know that's not fair

Barnicle: he also obstructed justice

Christie: but he couldn't have committed that crime it's all on Armitage

Buchann: how many times do I have to say it - he was found guilty

Barnicle: hmm…. you both makes sense but what if he only murdered two people I think it’s only illegal in DC if you kill a third

Christie: but but but Fitzgerald heard from Rove and lots of people from the White House therefore Scooter Libby he must be innocent

Buchanan: yur like Republican Talking Point Teddy Ruxpin

Chrisite: Pat Buchanan is saying Scooter is guilty of perjury now where would he get a crazy idea like that???

Buchanan: he was found guilty of perjury you idiot

Christie: no no no Emperor George W. Bush is the Chief of the Executive Branch this was only the plan of partisan democrats!!!!!

Buchanan: Fitzgerald is a Republican crazy-man

Christie: [ flailing wildly ] no no no there are some general flaws in the trial whaaaaaaa!!!!

Buchanan: then he can appeal meanwhile convicted felon Scooter should be in jail like Paris Hilton

Christie: of course not he's not going to flee to Mexico with that guy from Girls Gone Wild

Buchanan: Nixon didn't pardon the Watergate burglars so fuck Scooter

Christie: I Know why the Caged Bear Sings!!!

Barnicle: Bush should pardon someone popular like that guy who spread the Deadly TB

Buchanan: what about the Rule Of Law?

Christie: oh come that's ridiculous the U.S. Constitution requires Bush to pardon all property-holding white men

Buchanan: all you are saying Bush should pardon Scooter just to protect his own people do you think Americans will support that?

Christie: [throws up hands, jumps up, spins around ] unbelievable!!!

Buchanan: apparently being a neoconservative means never being guilty of crimes

Christie: Sandy Berger! Travesty of 2 shams of a travesty of a sham of a travesty!

Barnicle: ok that's enough dood you're now officially every Republican’s New Black Friend but jeebus you're laying it on too thick


John Harwood: Obama needs help with women voters

Mike Barnicle: but Hillary is a wooden robot how could anyone possibly like her???

Mike Gunwald: Hillary's wife is teh awesome

Jonathan Capeheart: forget Bill people don't vote for spouses although I will say i've got the hots for michelle obama she’s smart and sexy and has a great body...

Harwood: no one knows Obama he’s a mystery

Barnicle: this poll is amazing Hillary is beating Rudy this blows my mind I mean he’s a man and she’s shrill

Grunwald: Rudy is a gay loving pro-abortion cross dresser so has to run a guy will pour 100,000 professional torturers into Iraq

Harwood: Fred Thompson is gonna spank some Rudy ass

Capeheart: Rudy did stop committing crimes while he was Mayor – on the other hand he was real fucking asshole and some people resent that

Barnicle: Fred vs. Rudy oh this is gonna be so exciting!!!

Careheart: Rudy’s strength is national security his weakness are all the babies he’s aborted

Grunwald: Rudy also endorsed Mario Cuomo so its understandable that the primary voters would turn to Hollywood for a genuine fake conservative

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Joe Scarborough on MSNBC in the Morning – June 13, 2007

Joe Scarborough on MSNBC in the Morning – June 13, 2007

Joe Klein: the media and liberals don't treat people of faith with respect and by faith i mean hard-core wacko fundies whaaaaaaa!!!!

Scarborough: that is so true the media hates religion especially pro-lifers and scientology and the flying spaghetti monster!!

Klein: yeah its so sad evangelicals and orthodox rabbis are fun

Scarborough: no one in media has a baby fetus on their desk I checked

Klein: yeah but in the media’s defense religion needs to do more cool shit like sell ecstasy in church

Scarborough: that’s a really great idea like they do in black churches

Klein: I luv Huckabee because he does good works and he’s always doing funky shit like playing the bass and rocking with the Rolling Stones and doing LSD is all part of being a cool fun-loving Christian isn't that great!?

Scar: the liberal bloggers viciously attacked you - have you gotten out of the hospital and recovered from yur injuries yet?

Klein: not yet but really i love being attacked by them its fun but Rep. Jane Harmon was intimidated by liberal bloggers into her changing her vote and making me look bad when I lied - its so sad all she's only a little tiny helpless Congresswoman and they're All Powerful Bloggers!!!!

Scarborough: that’s terrible they’re destroying our precious country with their nasty words

Klein: yeah they use vicious rhetoric and they're going to ruin the Democratic party its so sad i weep for the democratic party when they call me on my lies

Scarborough: Saint Rudy had crazy flop-sweat yesterday what’s up with that??

Klein: i didn’t see it I don’t really follow politics but i do know this - Rudy was the best Mayor ever!!!

Scarborough: so true dood -- so why does Barack Obama suck so much??

Klein: Obama is so very young and the election is such a long way away maybe by 2008 he'll be white

Scarborough: joe i beg you to tell us about how cool you are

Klein: in 1970 i was hanging out with my black friend Huey Newton and i was getting bored because he wasn’t bashing whitey like I was hoping and then the Grateful Dead showed up and all the black people left and me and the other white guy there got up on stage with Jerry and got high

Scarborough: wow dood that is so crazy i always wanted to get high with huey lewis cause they made it hip to be square

Klein: I want a new drug dood

Hardball – June 12, 2007

Hardball – June 12, 2007

Van Natta: hillary voted for the authorization to use force to establish security street cred and also because Bill Clinton once bombed saddam hussein because saddam dissed monica on saturday night live

Matthews: but dood bill never invaded iraq

Natta: yeah but as the first woman president she had to give bush a blank check

Schultz: she's hawkish and would kill a terrorist with her bare hands if she got a chance

Matthews: so is she a hawk or dove

Natta: she is so phony she won’t fall into one category!

Matthews: wow she’s evil

Natta: yeah she didn't read the Magic NIE

Schultz: no one else did either jerk

Matthews: wow I don’t know what to think

Natta: we have a triple hearsay source for the 20 years project to take over America and quadruple hearsay for the Taylor Branch quote and this how phony he is he couldn't even remember not saying it!!!!!

Matthews: they’re like william and mary what if they create a college of william & hillary they’ll school generations into plotting and ambition

Schultz: whats wrong with setting goals dood I think its great they planned in 1969 to elect chelsea in 2022

Natta: oh i dont make judgements - but shes a phony because she doesn't admit that she wants to seize ultimate power and make us submit to her scary vagina!!

Matthews: i miss jack kennedy and his manly presidential penis!


Matthews: why do college gals hate Hillary?? - wow i luv this subject!!!!

Zuckman: well its because -

Matthews: I’ll tell you its cause women with jobs don’t have husbands its so sad they like hillary

Terry: she wants to turn America into an African village but she has to lie about that and educated people see she’s a phony

Matthews: Howard how can she win over poor woman and smart women too that makes no sense

Fineman: college chicks hate hillary because she slept her way to the top

Zuckman: college gals goes for dorks like Dukakis and Bradley

Matthews: people luv my man crush Fred Thompson!!!!!

Zuckman: Fred McGruff is riding high in the polls cause no one knows him

Matthews: will the media give my awesome man-lover a break!!??

Terry: Fred is a big liar he was pro-choice and i hate that - I will accept him but he has to grovel before me

Matthews: so you pro-lifers really don't care do you

Terry: no we just luv to be used and abused

Matthews: that big lumbering lug can abuse me anytime!!!

Matthews: Rudy has 12 Commitments he’s just like Moses but with hairplugs

Fineman: its theatre and Rudy luvs the theater!!!

Matthews: he's pledged to increase the number of abortions

Terry: these are innocent little children!!

Matthews: Terry are u a guy or a woman?

Terry: hey my voice may be high but i'm not high like a liberal

Matthews: no you're wrong blue collar wackos will vote for Rudy because he's a fascist

Matthews: why is teh fascist doing so well in Pennsylvania????

Terry: its an anomaly state its Alabama with the Metropolitan Opera on both sides

Matthews: u keep saying “pro-abortion” yur never going to get me stop having abortions with language like that

Terry: yur scaring me dood

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Meet The Press - June 10, 2007

Meet The Press - June 10, 2007

Guest: Colin Powell

Tim Russert: Iraq war - 3,500 dead, 25,000 wounded, 100,000 Iraqis dead - is it the greatest fuck up in history or what

Colin Powell: unlike Stupid I mean President Bush I call it a civil war

Russert: so what does that mean

Powell: Iraq is like a tricycle the first wheel is killing people but the other two wheels are the political stuff and training Iraqis and they are not going well

Russert: so what happens next dood

Powell: When the civil war resolves itself as all civil wars do solve themselves somehow it will be great victory for the U.S. even if the result is an America-hating Islamic dictatorship

Russert: you predicted a drawdown of troops dood you were so wrong

Powell: that’s true

Tim: why did you think that - yur supposed to be the military guy

Powell: None of the generals Bush consulted with wanted to send more troops and Baker-Hamilton said a surge should be only part of a withdrawal if at all -- so of course George W. Stupid did something completely different

Tim: wow he’s a quite a guy our president he sees that this is all about terrorism

Powell: oh please my momma didn’t raise no fool Al Qaeda is a small part of this - they are violent but really Iraq is in a civil war

Russert: does Bush really suck or what

Powell: Bush is just moving the deck chairs around on the Hindenberg

Tim: what happened in 2002

Powell: I supported invading Iraq for no reason

Tim: if you knew then what you know now would you invade

Powell: Iraq was a real threat to us because of their fictional weapons and saddam was cheating on the oil-for-food program and the Italians and Spanish and Aussies were gung-ho to invade hell everyone from Belusconi to Rafael Nadal to The Crocodile Hunter all said we had to go

Tim: so yes or no

Powell: no way I dood I’m a sellout but I’m not an idiot

Tim: why the fuck did you all think invading a Middle Eastern country would go well were you all stupid or what

Powell: no wait a minute that’s not fair dood we *did* know it would be really hard we just didn’t give a shit

Tim: that’s incredibly unbelievable

Powell: I never said “cakewalk”

Tim: jeebus you’re fucking kidding

Powell: remember how cool it was when that statue fell -– we were liberators for a moment

Tim: what the fuck does that mean

Powell: when we got there we were wearing our Liberator Caps then we put on our Occupier Hats then our Helmets of Destruction

Tim: its like the French Revolution without the fun times

Powell: we just didn’t have enough tropes

Tim: here’s your “I’m Not a Crook Moment” dood

[shows video of Powell that United Nations]

Powell: No I said Get Thee Behind Me Tenet he blessed all those lies

Tim: so you just trusted whatever Slam Dunk said

Powell: no no no I threw the shitty evidence by the side of the road it was like a mob hit

Tim: so was it real or was it all pack of lies

Powell: we had really persuasive evidence like cartoons of mobile biological labs

Russert: drawings dood are you fucking kidding me

Powell: Besides if the Oil for Food program collapsed then who among us would not think that Saddam would mobilize his army of sharks with laser beams?

Timmeh: aluminum tubes dood

Powell: there was a real debate over Big Scary Tubes so I said to the U.N. they were for a nuclear bomb so we should invade Iraq but in my defense I attached a Post-It note saying “this could be all be bullshit”

Tim: info on the mobile labs were taken out of on yur speech then it gets put back in whats up dood

Powell: beats the fuck out of me all I know is that it’s all the CIA’s fault

Tim: would you like some cheese with that whine

Powell: look I had no idea what was going on I was only a former general and secretary of state and they said let’s invade so I said ok

Tim: you are boggling my mind with this bullshit

Powell: only after the war it seemed like, hey this is the stupidest fucking idea in the history of the universe

Tim: it turns out the information was wrong and all lies

Powell: dood I am very irate that no one told me the sources were a bunch of liars

Tim: well why not asshole

Powell: I have no idea but I intend to write a very strongly worded letter of protest to the proper authorities at some time in the future after I calm down

Tim: you motherfucker we went to war over this!!!

Powell: Saddam’s Mustache of Destruction was going to kill us all!!!!

Tim: that’s completely crazy

Powell: ok its true and we were all wrong

Tim: are heads going to fucking roll or what

Powell: it’s all Bush’s fault I think the Democratic Congress should keel-haul all these motherfuckers

Tim: my god you’re all the most incredible morons

Powell: well I wish we had put 500,000 troops but bear in mind Bush was always looking and looking for the WMDs

Tim: wingnuts are saying the weapons are real and are hidden

Powell: give it up doods they’re not buried in the ground or in Syria

Tim: so we should never have invaded another country oops your bad

Powell: Saddam had a Get Out of Jail Card all he had to do was present his Massive Weapons of Death

Tim: so it was like Monopoly

Powell: yeah I was the wheelbarrow and Bush was the little hat

Tim: dood your wife sez Bush used and abused you

Powell: hey everywhere I went at cocktail parties neocons would laugh at me and say why didn’t you take Saddam out in 1991 and don’t forget we only had 5 days to make up our minds

Tim: did you want a war or not

Powell: I would prefer not to go to war but I also told Stupid dood as a loyal soldier I’m with you whatever dumb decision you make

Tim: you lied to the world – should you have quit in shame

Powell: no we just didn’t process and manage the lies properly

Tim: are we safer

Powell: not because of Iraq that has made us less safer

Tim: no shit christ this is appalling are you sure

Powell: we are stuck in the middle of a fucking civil war in the middle east surrounded by Iran and Syria does that sound good to you dood

Timster: Gitmo and torture

Powell: I would close Gitmo not tomorrow but this afternoon!

Rusert: but then they would get lawyers like Johnnie Cochran

Powell: so what - this may seem like a quaint notion but “the legal system” and “the rule of law” is not entirely evil

Tim: what an amazing thought

Powell: every tin-pot dictatorship now uses Gitmo to justify their evilness

Tm: should Portugal allow gays to serve

Powell: no we’re at war this is no time to improve troop effectiveness

Tim: do you hate gays

Powell: I sworn in a gay ambassador once and his gay lover was there

Tim: ok so what’s the problem

Powell: the military is different they tell you who to sleep with

Russert: wow I didn’t know that

Powell: yeah its true but what happens in foxholes stays in foxholes

Russert: barack obama is black and so are you

Powell: no really I never noticed

Tim Russert: will support you the Republican nominee in 2008

Powell: you must be fucking kidding

Tim: dood your reputation called it’s too late he’s moved on


Guest: Jeff Gerth and Don Van Natta

Russert: You say Bill and Hillary planned in 1959 they would each get 2 terms in the White House and then 3 terms for Chelsea but Taylor Branch is yur source and he sez that's ridiculous

Gerth: we have triple hearsay from a barbecue at a rodeo who said the aspens are turning - it's true that Taylor Branch never confirmed it and his our source but in our defense our source is a big liar

Tim: ok so the clintons are evil

Gerth: sure, when they were dating in their 20s they planned to turn Amerika over to the Communists

Van Natta: i punched Howard Wolfson in the stomach and this is how evil hillary is she didn't cooperate with our hatchet job

Tim: is yur wife a source

Gerth: no the New York Time Magazine supports our book

Tim: hillary admits she never read teh All-Powerful NIE!!!

Van Natta: yeah she should be shot

Tim: is your book fair

Van Natta: im going to shock you but I will say yes our book is fair

Gerth: she accused Bush of misusing his authority its terrible!!!

Van Natta: they only found one actionable lie in one short article from the New York Times

Tim: what's important in your book

Gerth: we discovered something amazing there are in fact 2 Hillarys – one is battle tested and does her homework and then we found she has a twin sister who lives in a shell under the sea - it's like a mix of the Little Mermaid and that tv show with Patty Duke

Van Natta: she is so evil she once misplaced paperwork for fellows working in her Senate Office

Tim Russert: OMG!!!!

Van Natta: She covered up Bill's affairs it's really terrible

Tim: Dallek sez this is a cheap hit piece

Gerth: we're trying to shine a light on hillary's dark corners

Tim: Yikes

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - June 10, 2007


This Week with George Stephanopoulos - June 10, 2007


John McCain: rudy is a big mean phony on immigration

Stephanoplous: but you said you didn't like the bill

McCain: well just the beginning, and the middle, and also the end

Stephanoplous: saint rudy says you compromised because you're weak and senile

McCain: this is what the art of legislation is all about

Stephanoplous: but ted kennedy supported it!

McCain: well ted Kennedy also he worked on No Child Left Behind

Steph: that’s supposed to be a good thing?

Steph: Newt sez yur a big liberal

McCain: newt is a motherfucker

Steph: the base hates brown people

McCain: what can i say i luv to be unpopular

Steph: apparently the same deal with Iraq

McCain: we just started this war 90 days ago for gods sake

Steph: what's success in Iraq

McCain: i don't know I guess someday Iraq should have a functioning government

Steph: when?

McCain: never - is never good for you

Steph: you say they will follow us home but aren't they already here

McCain: sure last week they destroyed JFK airport

Steph: are we creating al qaeda recruits in Iraq

McCain: yes - which is why we can't leave

Steph: [sighs] so perpetual war dood

McCain: no the war will just last as long as you and I are alive

Steph: Romney says Korea analogy is stupid

McCain: i don't know what he is talking about

Spteh: what?

McCain: it's an islamic country

Steph: huh?

McCain: we should have non-permanent big bases

Steph: so how long, 50 years

McCain: why announce a 50 year deadline?

McCain: i don't know how September got to be so important i resent it

Steph: what will Petraeus say

McCain: not in my wildest dreams do i expect Petraeus to say things are going well i mean the war just started that's crazy

Steph: Fred McGruff was your guy and he thinks you suck or he wouldn't run for President right

McCain: i didn't know he was working for my campaign

Steph: WaPo sez all your BFFs are all fleeing your campaign like a sinking ship

McCain: i luv and respect all the people who think i'm a loser

Steph: jeebus you sound like such a weenie

McCain: eh whatever I don’t even want the job anymore

Steph: your friends say you’re a dead man walking

McCain: no look at the polls

Steph: polls say yur way behind

McCain: i'm in the top five

Steph: healthcare what's yur solution

McCain: cutting taxes

Steph: Romney mandated insurance good idea?

MCain: no way dood let's have community health care but the real problem is that alot of healthy Americans refuse to buy insurance because they're big assholes

Steph: you said Colin Powell will be remembered by history as the Loser Guy

McCain: he lied to me about the biological weapons it's the shame of the nation!!!

Steph: how will history judge you dood

McCain: as a senile whacko

[ panel discussion ]

Torie Clark: this immigration bill failure shows that Washington can't get anything done and helps the DC outsiders in 2008

Steph: is Torie a big elitist

Shipman: the shameful noisy liberal bloggers and angry wingnuts are out destroy Bush it's an epic tragedy this could have been his Nixon in China moment

Steph: well he could still have a big Nixon moment

Carney: Bush really luvs mexicans and Rove wanted their votes

Will: Democracy its not about counting noses it about counting other body parts too

Steph: so bush is ruined

Will: yes Dems are to blame for not solving Bush's fuckups

Steph: I hear there is a 4 part test for Bloomberg to get into the race -- the last is that 25% of Americans need to luv the crazy jew from NYC

Torie: with a billion dollars you can spend a lot of money

Carney: he can't win

Will: the idea of him winning is ridiculous

Steph: hillary sez bush has made us safer

Shipman: she has to look Presidential in other words conservative

Will: Edwards is unemployed so why is he spending $500 on a pedicure!!!

Carney: he's reaching to the liberals those crazy mad blogging motherfuckers

Torri: it’s either offense or defense!

Steph: its like the Democrats and Republicans live in different gay and non gay counties

Will: America is like European we actually disagree on shit

Steph: but the people hate partisanship

Will: no they don’t they just say they do

Shipman: i'm so distressed by all this fighting its saddens my superior self

Steph: When will have a Gay Prez

Will: i have a daughter with gay friends but i'll be dammed if will let her hang out with any lefties


Posted by The Author at 8:17 AM