Meet The Press - February 15, 2009

Meet The Press
February 15, 2009
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Gregory: Obama is claiming victory - so sell me on the stimulus

Axelrod: our first mission to avoid catastrophe

Gregory: are we aiming for mere misery?

Axelrod: sort of - but we're going to give people jobs and rebuild America at the same time

Gregory: two birds one stone

Axelrod: right

Gregory: will this prevent unemployment reaching 10.0%??

Axelrod: maybe - let's face it, Stupid really fucked up

Gregory: i have some shocking news - McCain's advisor doesn't like your plan

Axelrod: holy shit! [ jumps out window ]

Gregory: come back!

Axelrod: ok [ climbs back in ]

Gregory: Paul Krugman says you're not spending enough

Axelrod: we have a Goldilocks Bill

Gregory: not too much and not little?

Axelrod: exactly it's just right

Gregory: what if you fail?

Axelrod: maybe I'll take your job Greggers

Gregory: The Economist magazine says your bill spend on pork instead of job creation

Axelrod: unlike throwing $9 billion out of an airplane

Gregory: but that was before when money was free

Axelrod: oh right i forgot

Gregory: what else?

Axelrod: we're going to cut taxes and rebuild schools

Gregory: but you're depending on a psychological bounce - while the media is determined to destroy you

Axelrod: but then you'll lose your jobs too!

Gregory: we don't think that far ahead

Gregory: Republicans say your bill was not Republican enough

Axelrod: such a shame - one more GOP bill and we would be invaded by Micronesia

Gregory: also they said you spend you too much

Axelrod: i never heard much about 'generational theft' when the GOP was spending like drunken sailors on tax cuts for their rich friends

Gregory: would you concede it was a mistake to let Democrats write this bill

Axelrod: on sure maybe we should have let Lindsey Graham write it - then it would have really really big debts and higher taxes on poor people

Gregory: now you're talking!

Axelrod: i was kidding Dancin’ Dave

Gregory: Speaking of Republican objections to the bill -

Axelrod: were we?

Gregory: yes - buried in the bill you will have 15 people who will destroy doctors and patients all across America

Axelrod: yes that's exactly what computerized records will do

Gregory: but the Star Chamber Medical Council is allowed to sieze kidneys from people off the street!!!

Axelrod: only white people

Gregory: why you do hate the Chinese and India?

Axelrod: they give me heartburn

Gregory: Wall Street bonuses?

Axelrod: we're not terribly worried about the politcal fallout of going after ovrepaid exectives

Gregory: so sad

Gregory: talk to me about rescuing banks and your idiot puppet Geithner

Axelrod: so the Dow dropped who cares what those idiots think this is all their fault

Gregory: but no one knows what your plan is

Axelrod: it's a secret

Gregory: Nationalize banks?

Axelrod: you mean like the FDIC?

Gregory: never heard of it

Gregory: Should all Americans get a free house?

Axelrod: home values are going down which is very sad

Gregory: but the overvalued homes!

Axelrod: it's a tough problem

Gregory: also should Auto companies go on welfare?

Axelrod: why not bikes or skateboards or shoe companies?

Gregory: Can America survive GM going bankrupt?

Axelrod: only if the unions agree to work for $5 an hour

Gregory: Judd Gregg bravely ran away - what happened

Axelrod: it turned out we wanted a free Democratic seat and he wanted to count only white people in the next census

Gregory: irreconiliable differnces

Gregory: who will get dumped in Commerce?

Axelrod: well he hates Harold Ford - so maybe him

Gregory: Dick Cheney says you love terrorists, hate America, and are too naive to electrify someone's testicles

Axelrod: so much to fun to hear from Dick again - no wonder people hate him so

Gregory: are you having fun being near-President

Axelrod: yeah but i have to stop watching cable tv - it's rotting my brain

Gregory: OMG Obama was the big winner of the week! And he was the Loser of the Week!!

Robinson: oh fer gawd's sake he got an $800 billion spending bill through Congress!!

Gregory: last Sunday everyone in D.C. wrote Obama off - did we speak too soon?

Brownstein: of course this is an amazing achievement - only the pundits could freak out because he didn't get enough GOP votes

Simon: Look Obama had a big win and Obama wins by being rejected by the GOP

Gregory: whoa that's crazy

Straseel: well now we see how the GOP will proceed - thanking Obama for reaching out to them and whining and crying to the media

Gregory: Obama believes in government and the GOP does not

Robinson: it's absurd and insane

Brownstein: for god's sake this week they voted for an alternative bill that would have cost more!!!

Gregory: but that's Bush's very successful policy - ha just kidding

Brownstein: right - we should have an election on that - ha ha

Strassel: no fair people love tax cuts and Obama is the real hypocrite for spending more

Greogry: oh?

Strassel: People are talking about the deficit - it's the next big story

Brownstein: which people?

Strassel: the people I hang out with

Brownstein: where's that?

Strassel: the Starbucks next door to teh Cato Institute

Simon: i hear you but for god's sake the debt is not the biggest problem right now

Robinson: people who have lost their jobs don't care about the fucking debt

Brownstein: obama has things he wants to achieve but also is willing to change tactics to get what he wants

Gregory: fascinating - he's the unBush!

Strassel: Obama failed but not working with liberals

Gregory: he got every vote in Congress

Strassel: but liberal bloggers still aren't happy

Simon: the bank bailout rewards bad behavior

Gregory: well i work for cable news so i can relate to to that

Simon: people hate this process

Gregory: yeah but the populists are wrong - we must reward the Fucktards

Robinson: we must punish the fucktards a little

Brownstein: the real choice America faces is between Japanese Models and Swedish Models

Gregory: plaid miniskirts or bikinis?

Brownstein: these are incredible times

Gregory: how come no one can make any money in America??

Simon: Even Biden thinks we might fail

Robinson: America has dug a whole since 1981 and it won't be easy to get out

Gregory: those were fun times

Gregory: are Americans prepared to get work in sweatshops for a generation?

Brownstein: yes but only people under 75

The Chris Matthews Show - February 15, 2009

The Chris Matthews Show
February 15, 2009
*********************
Matthews: OMG Obama failed to get GOP votes when he got his bill passed!!!

Obama: i didn't want to spend to fix Republicans' fuck-ups

Fineman: Obama did fail to get GOP votes but he did sort of get what he wanted

Kay: i don't think it matters how many GOP votes he got - after all the bill passed

Matthews: Obama told us to vote against him if there is no magic recovery

Guthrie: privately they will admit Obama failed in getting GOP votes

Matthews: What else went wrong?

Guthrie: Liberals loaded it with frivolous pork

Matthews: oh noes

Sullivan: ha ha ha the GOP discovered fiscal conservatism - they're insane and hypocrites

Matthews: but we're in a crisis

Sullivan: which is their fault!

Matthews: but they're the daddy party

Kay: you're so weird

Matthews: Daddyyyyyyy

Matthews: sure obama may rescue America's economy - but what about univerasal health care and flying cars?

Guthrie: there's long-term plans there for example Green jobs

Matthews: do you like Horse and Rabbit stew

Fineman: yes Chris the Democrats are screwed

Matthews: is that what I asked?

Fineman: yes

Matthews: Ha Dems hate bipartisanship!

Matthews: Will the Dems stay united??

Sullivan: we have to persuade the Chinese to keep lending us money by making elderly people get second jobs

Matthews: how does he win a second term

Sullivan: to be a real fiscal conservative

Fineman: he's going to need the GOP

Guthrie: the GOP will eventually give in to the Democrats

Matthews: oh of course also Lucy will someday hold that football

Matthews: OMG PEW poll says we're in a Depression!! - we're all eating a McDonald's and riding Greyhoud!

Fineman: taking the bus?

Matthews: no i'm riding an actual greyhound to work

Kay: Americans need to change their whole lifestyles

Fineman: the American dream is to win a world war and live better off the misery of others

Guthrie: Obama is bringing us down with all his talk about sacrifice

Matthews: why not

Guthrie: what about layaway? Americans are so selfish for not borrowing more!

Sully: exactly i live like a peon in my gilden cage with velvet pillow

Matthews: really?

Sully: what can I say I'm weird

Kay: We're going to have spend 100% of GDP

Tweety: wow!

Fineman: the census is coming which means we have to count all the brown people

Guthrie: the Obamas watched Bejamin Button in the White House last Sunday

Tweety: did they like it?

Guthrie: I'll let you know when it ends

Sullivan: Obama will nationalise banks

Tweety: wow i never knew that

Sully: it's stealth nationalisation - first he replaces all the pens with ones with the White House logo and Obama's face one them

Matthews: investigate torture

Kay: nah why bother

Fineman: the House will go first

Guthrie: Obama isn't going to do it

Sullivan: you're missing the point - the Court system will have to investigate lawsuits which will be filed

Tweets: oh my

Obama Press Conference - February 9, 2009

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Press Conference
President Barack Obama
Monday, February 9, 2009
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Obama: Hi - Today I was in one of the shittiest economic places in America - in fact local tv interrupt stories about Michael Phelps to tell viewers that their lives really really suck

Audience: ooooh

Obama: if you are still an ignorant fucktard, I suggest you pull your head out of your ass

Now I plan to create 4 million jobs if only the Ayn Randians would kindly get the fuck out of the way

Audience: yeahhh

Obama: we will give $2500 for college, $1,000 to working people, and a dollar for everyone to get the tv they used to get for free

Audience: okayyy

Obama: we're going to invest in roads, bridges, and community theatre - dams, levees, turbines, and goose-resistant planes

Audience: ahhhhh

Obama: and police, firefighters, and increased steriod surveillance for our professional athletes

The Chamber of Commerce and the AFL-CIO Agree: I'm actually black

Audience: wow

Obama: there are no earmarks, pet projects, or money for cats or dogs

Cats: grrrrrrrr

Obama: hey dudes I inherited Bush's crappy economy - and now I Barack Obama am here to fulfill my role of destiny and be America's Magic Negro and rescue you sad, sad white people

AP: Bam you said that America will fail - why do hate America?

Obama: i was talking the language of science - granted, not a real one, economics - but nevertheless i was telling the truth

AP: isn't that highly irresponsible when you run a fake Empire

Obama: hey baby this is the worst the Epic Depression

AP: you mean Great Depression

Obama: no i was talking about the Fall of the Roman Empire

Obama: look some people have this philosphy from Ayn Rand who think FDR was wrong to implement the New Deal and also giving women and darkies the right to vote

Beck: say amen

Obama: genius white people gave me a trillion dollar debt - so if you didn't want this mutt in charge you should't have made me your dictator

Beck: say wha?

Obama: read the fine print doofus

Obama: i sick of motherfuckin snakes on motherfucking planes!!!

AP: to what are you fucking referring?

Obama: fuckin executives on fucking private jets!!

AP: but but the Republicans

Obama: Failed! Epically!

Reuters: Iran - nuke or carpet bomb?

Obama: they're so bellicose - it's very distasteful to someone like me who prefers subtler methods like Jedi mind tricks

Reuters: this isn't the question i was looking for

Obama: sorry about that - anyway I will sit across the table and tell Ahmedinejad very very frankly - nukes are unacceptable and 'dood, Members Only is way out of fashion'

BipartisanChip: What went wrong with your failed Presidency?

Obama: it's the fault of the Atwater-Gingrich-Rove Republicans -- dood I did everything I could to reach out to those lunatics and maybe someday they will stop acting like little babies and when that day comes my door will be open - until then I am the daddy and they are little kids and now it's time for Dad to go to work

Audience: oooo

Obama: there's a set of folks who want to negotiate by saying hey my offer is this nothing - well I'm black not italian and i think we should do something and for the non-dishonest Senators i'd like to have that conversation

Reporter: but the pork!

Obama: ha ha ha yeah coming from the party of waste fraud and abuse and big spending and debts I want to laugh at them, cry and then tell them to fuck off

Obama: I hear Republicans say 'why would you weatherize a building when you could throw that money out of an airplane in a foreign country'??

Reporter: right

Obama: it's like they take pride in being ignorant!

Audience: heh

Obama: or take efficiency in health care - doctors can't write or use computers - or take schools at Harvard one schools is from the 1700s it's terrible!

Reporter: ooh that's true

C-Todd: Sir isn't spending what ruined this economy and isn't it better for people to be noble and poor?

Obama: Toddster I do believe that goatee has sucked the brains outta your haid!

Todd: mooooan

Obama: i know what happened - crazy banks lent money to ever whackjob biped with a name and the ability to sign - well the motherfucking party is over

Todd: [ removes party hat ]

Obama: i didn't come in here ginned up to spend $800 billion on wave pools I had hoped to blow it on the awesomest party ever

Americans: fuck yeah

Obama: calm down -- now in the future my Presidency will be all about being responsible

Americans: [ put away party favors ]

Reporter: tell us the bad news Bam

Bam: The bad news? The bad news??!! Teh bad news is that George Bush was President for 8 years

Reporter: oh

Bam: we barely averted the disaster that was his term in office and now I am in charge and that means no more free rides for obscenely wealthy well-connected idiots from the scum on top of gene pool!

Idiots: aw shit

apper: Sir we are in freefall - how can we as journalists report when your Presidency has officially failed?

Obama: Snake I will create 4 million jobs, then i will restore the credit markets, the restore the housing values, after that i will grow the economy - then finally i will reverse the spin of the earth and bring terry schiavo back to life

Tapped: [ takes notes furiously ] 'spin of earth = fail'

Stupid Ed Henry: will your fulfill pledge to pull all troops out of Afghanistan?

Obama: no i said i would increase troops there and pull them out of Iraq

Ed: oh did you I was in the bathroom in 2008

Obama: it's very sobering to sign all those letters for killed soldiers

Bush: that's why i got lickered up Bammy

[ throws shoe at tv, misses ]

shit

Obama: hey remember how wonderful 9/11 was and we remember it like it was the best fucking day ever well it turns it wasn't so great

American: [ sighs gushes over 9/11 memory ]

Cooper: will require banks to stop using free money on champagne baths and sprinking diamonds on their cereal?

Obama: all i want is for them to use the money to stop eating poor people alive

Garrett: Joe Biden said your Presidency will probably fail - is he right?

Obama: oh joe joe joe - you do realize I hired someone just bumbling enough to make me look good don't you?

Garrett: really?

Obama: plus he's funniest gentile i know

Fletcher: Did you know A-Rod was on the Juice?

Obama: It's too bad because it shows you can be a good looking biracial successful young man and still fuck up

Thomas: Bam Harry Truman once told me i hope one day a black man has access to bomb

Obama: it was always my dream too

Thomas: Pakistan

Obama: it's not acceptable to have whackos living in mountainous caves with impunity - hell with DirectTV they get more NFL games than we do!

Thomas: oh noe

Obama: I will work with Vlad to lean on the Pakistanis - cause they are waaaay crazeee

Huffington Post: Truth and Reconciliation Commision on prosecuting Stupid and Dr. Evil?

Obama: i have this crazy idea about following the law and keeping us safe - now is Mr. Potter broke the law he should be prosecuted just like George Bailey was

Potter: dagnabit

Liasson: will you fail on getting votes from Goppers from now on?

Obama: Mara like i said - all that needs to happen is for the Republican party to sit down, shut the fuck up, and pull their heads out of their goddam asses

GOP: gorp!

Obama: by the way Mara if I had brought the GOP in any earlier they would have been there when my Kenyan father had made sweet love to my white momma

Mara: oh my

Obama: oh did i mention these closeted fuckers have no credibility on anything at all???

Mara: oh poo

Obama: i'm sorry but these assholes piss me off

Obama: now this is what these fuckers do on everything - economics, global warming, flat earth, they just pretend that there is debate and trot out non-experts and it's all fucking bullshit

Mara: but but

Obama: no look I am the eternal optimist that someday the GOP will stop being obstructionist dicks but that's just the kind of happy go lucky motherfucker I am

Good night - i said 'good night fuckers!'

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Meet The Press - February 8, 2009

Meet the Press
February 8, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Claire McCaskill
Sen. John Ensign
Rep. Barney Frank
Rep. Mike Pence
*******************

Gregory: wow Obama has a massive package!

Gregory: let's hear from the majority first - John Ensign

Enisgn: I saw the best minds of my generation lost to a bridge to a nowhere

Gregory: what should be done

Ensign: enact all Republican ideas - after all, we won the election

Gregory: ok let's hear from the other side - Congressman Pence

Pence: the American people rejected the worn out tired ideas of Democrats in 2008 - why did you even invite any Dems on the show this morning?

McCaskill: well

Gregory: shut up

Gregory: Congressman Pence we all know Republicans won in 2008 but shouldn't we at least consider the minority party ideas

Pence: no the American people hate tired old liberal ideas

McCaskill: no no no please love us -- all Dems want is for Republicans and the media to love us and admit we can be bipartisan

Pence: no give me more

Ensign: pheh we speak for America not the crazy liberals

Frank: oh suddenly the GOP is concerned about spending - look they want to waste your tax dollars in Iraq but we want to keep cops and firefighters from being laid off

Ensign: that's right - any money that helps people is welfare

Pence: this is one part rule!

Frank: you're damm right it is you loser

Pence: i am willing to let Dems put some of their pet projects in the bill

Frank: big of your asshole

Pence: well after all America belongs to the Republican party

Gregory: Claire admit it this doens't stimulate jobs like dropping cash from the sky on a middle easten country would

McCaskill: that's true

Gregory: why not do what the GOP wants

Ensign: Gregory that's what I've been saying all along

Gregory: [ wags tail ]

Ensign: that's nonsense - we're not going to be laying any firefighters off - the states will be doing that

Frank: this asshole's party wasted hundreds of billions

Ensign: i agreee

Frank: did you filibuster GOP bills

Ensign: [ crickets ]

Gregory: admit it Claire it was all wasteful spending

McCaskill: yes

Pence: can I bring up 9/11 again

Greogry: sure

Pence: look Obama is mean and nasty and partisan but we need tax cuts

Frank: hey psycho why don't you blow me

Greogry: who did all these rotten asssets get on the bank's books??

Frank: gee i don't know - must have been an act of nature

Gregory: it's a mystery

Frank: the credit system is too corrupt to fail

Greogry: who did all these rotten asssets get on the bank's books??

Frank: gee i don't know - must have been an act of nature

Gregory: it's a mystery

Frank: the credit system is too corrupt to fail

Gregory: but a $15,000 tax credit is not going to incentivize me buy a second home in Martha's Vineyard

McCaskill: we have to convince people that giving money to rich people is in their interest

Ensign: i had a good idea

Greogry: which was defeated

Ensign: pheh

Frank: i want to ask executives what they hell they do to earn their bonuses

Gregory: well they don't all get bonsuses

Frank: yes they do

Gregory: we are all stuck in partisan accusations that the banks are getting free money

Pence: this is all the fault of poor black borrowers

Gregory: what's the solution

Pence: amnesty for tax cheats

Frank: jesus christ - the GOP is a party of psychopaths

Gregory: but you also support bank bailouts

Frank: yes but only because we're afraid not to

Gregory: so on one side nutjobs and on the other side cowards

McCaskill: Obama admitted he screwed up and nominated a conservative to Commerce

Ensign: this proves that Washington is incestuous

Gregory: it's crazy - I'm going to ask Luke Russert about this

Frank: hey blame the voters

Gregory: are we really going to bail out more fucking banks?

Frank: why not?

The Chris Matthews Show - February 8, 2009

The Chris Matthews Show
February 8, 2009
********************************

Tweety: will Obama fail to get a bank bailout again??

Norris: of course he's failure

Mitchell: this is is going to be tough with the GOP opposing it

Brooks: TARP was wasted - so we must enact a new one in a bipartisan way

Tweety: OMG Obama's partisan!!!

Duffy: i know it's terrible he's very partisan!!!

Norris: the Republicans are not partisan they are just standing on principle!!

Brooks: it's horrible and a wish list of liberal stuff

Mitchell: most economists will tell you we all know nothing about anything

Tweety: it's all liberal Fibber McGee shit

Mitchell: Dems are the worst people in the world!!!!

Brooks: OMG Obama is not living in Congress!!

Duffy: it's such a blunder to be liberal in Washington - the Obama presidency is a total failure!!

Norris: the Democrats will lose lots of seats in the midterms!!!

Tweety: OMG I'm about to ask a terrible question!!!

Duffy: OMG Tom Daschle!!!

Mitchell: Obama wanted to reform health care as a favor for Teddy Kennedy

Tweety: not the 40 million uninsured Americans?

Mitchell: never heard of them

Tweety: ha ha ha quote of teh week is from Republicans!!!

Brooks: I'll forgive him Tweety

Tweety: i hate Washington thinking ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!

Norris: Obama hasn't moved the ball for health care he's doooooooomed!!!!

Tweety: Obama has failed to get the Republicans to vote for an important bill this is good news for Republicans

Mitchell: admittedly there is a tiny percentage of bad things in the bill but somehow the media only reported that - boy Obama is bad President

Brooks: wow Obama could have had lots of Republican support if he had done what they had wanted

Tweety: he could be bipartisan if he resigned and appointed a Republican

Duffy: Bi-Partisan!!!!

Norris: his presidency is essentially over

Tweety: ha!!!

Tweety: OMG!!! Obama read to schoolchildren - he's just like Bush on and 9/11 and Clinton being impeached!!!

Norris: um Tweety he was in an inner city DC school

Duffy: what a loser

Tweety: Ha! Hee! Ha!

Norris: Tweets do you have Tourette's or something?

Tweety: Fuck! Shit! Momma!

[ men in white coats show up ]

Tweety: OMG Daschle is just like bailed out banking executives!!

Brooks: i speak for the little people who eat Applebee's

Mitchell: oh noe people are very angry the people who caused the economic crisis

Tweety: why do you say that

Mitchell: you should see the hate mail Alan gets

Duffy: the only good moment Obama has ever had was to bash executives

Tweety: what do you prefer hard or soft option

Mitchell: with Alan it's most soft these days

Norris: the public doesn't understand the stimulus and Obama should sell it

Duffy: i'm very concerned about unemployment - which is why i always bash Dems for GOP failures

Mitchell: Zinni was offered the job of Ambassador to Iraq - then it was taken away why??

Tweety: i love Zinni i blew him 2006

Brooks: John McCain has completely lost his mind

Tweety: ha poor guy!

Tweety: will Obama fail to get a bank bailout again??

Norris: of course he's failure

Mitchell: this is is going to be tough with the GOP opposing it

Brooks: TARP was wasted - so we must enact a new one in a bipartisan way

Meet The Press - February 1, 2009

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Meet The Press
February 1, 2009
Guests:
Sen. John Kerry
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson
********************************

Gregory: OMG the stimulus bill passed without GOP votes - its so sad!!

Kerry: we'll improve that bill with a massive ketchup tax break

Gregory: what else

Kerry: food stamps for people in tough straits like John Thain

Gregory: jobs?

Kerry: we will build a new electric griddle

Greogory: let me confront a Republican with the Concord Coalition

Hutchinson: thank you

Hutchinson: we can't afford this big spending what with all the debt we have!

Kerry: where did that from?

Hutchinson: Little goblins took over the government in 2001

Gregory: what spending would you like?

Hutchinson: Military spending - that's permanent unlike shitty bridges which once they're built - no more jobs!

Gregory: Dems are being greedy aren't they -- aren't they ramming through bad ideas like Bush did after 9/11?

Kerry: that's a very good point Gregory even though it is stupid i agree that it's inevitable that Dems ideas are good ideas

Gregory: huh?

Kerry: 50% of schools are 50 years old but I would remind you this is not ramming bills though it's called fucking Democracy and we just had a fucking election

Gregory: all well and good Senator Kerry but the issue here is that all bills but be approved by Republicans

Hutchinson: That is exactly right David - Exactly

Gregory: [ beams, wags tail ]

Hutchinson: who's a good boy??

Greogry: yip yip

Hutchinson: Tax cuts saved America in 2001

Gregory: no one knows the truth -- would you concede?

Hutchinson: oh yes

Kerry: like hell I would - Bush failed in every fucking way

Gregory: but but but-

Kerry: fuck off

Hutchinson: but tax cuts made people go back into the stock market in 2001!!

Kerry: oh yay

Hutchinson: we did have productive spending in the last few years - the war on terror, the war in Iraq

Kerry: Kay the economy sucks

Hutchinson: well that's the fault of the fancy people on Wall Street

Kerry: [ snort ]

Gregory: shovel-ready jobs?

Kerry: yes as long as we fix housing and the banks

Gregory: would you spend more to do it?

Hutchinson: sure but eliminate anything that helps people

Gregory: let me quote Rush Limbaugh issuing a challenge on who is a statesman and who is a reckless hack

Hutchinson: the bloated drug addict is right - there is nice spending that must be removed and tax cuts put in

Gregory: did you not hear the people on election day?

Hutchinson: i agree we need a new electric grill - but if Obama believes Republicans should get what they want he needs to give us what we want

Kerry: oh my god I haven't heard this much whining since my kids were toddlers

Kay: but but-

Gregory: isn't the stimulus bill a total failure if the GOP votes against it?

Kerry: moron

Gregory: bail out banks?

Hutchinson: yes but we should do it Obama's way and not the Stupid way

Gregory: fair enough

Hutchinson: sadly good people were caught in the net of bad loans

Gregory: buy toxic assets?

Kerry: no we should make the shareholders eat the loss

Gregory: oh so sad

Gregory: but whether you like this or not we can all agree we have to bail out the banks

Gregory: what about Sen. Jugg Gredd?

Hutchinson: No Democrats - Juggs would never do that!!

Gregory: what about Tom Daschle?

Kerry: I've known Tom for 25 years and he always picks up a check

Gregory: how shitty is the economy?

Zandi: really very very shitty

Gregory: Steve Ballmer said things really suck

Forbes: oh I disagree we can definitely rebound all we need to do is say "ain't" on tv

Burnett: we consumed like crazy for 25 years and that's gone forever - Generation Y sucks to be you

Gregory: let me go to the ultimate authority on teh economy - the Heritage Foundation - and now for contrast, steve forbes

Forbes: sure asset values have falled for instance my collection of fabrege eggs is worth less but we need to stop whining

Gregory: what's the solution

Forbes: Americans need to stop crying, show initiative and inherit a billion dollars from their weird gay dad

Gregory: well we can't all be Suri

Gregory: What's the answer?

Zandi: Tax cuts

Forbes: Spending alone isn't going to do it - you'll never guess what my answer is?

Greogry: lower income taxes?

Forbes: ha - no! Lower corporate taxes

Gregory: and mark to market

Forbes: so so so so sad

Gregory: why has Obama failed so much?

Burnett: the issue is not private jets - it's that we must bail out the banks or the economy will not grow

Gregory: so how can we help the banks?

Burnett: create a bad bank

Gregory: but we already have Citigroup

Gregory: but this could cost 2 trillion

Zandi: oh no only $500 billion

Gregory: oh is that all

Zandi: the government should buy the bad loans and get a good low price for it

Gregory: and hope and pray things will work out

Gregory: Obama got mad at all the Wall Street bonuses

Burnett: oh I get all so-called outrage and fake populism but you got to understand the people on Wall Street are doing their darndest!

Zandi: this is the risk of giving tax money cause then taxpayers want control which is just crazy - government can't make these decisions!

Gregory: this also applies to the national endowment for the arts right

Burnett: ha ha ha - no

Forbes: hey you take the money you pay the price

Burnett: this populism is very very scary - someone needs to tell the little people to hand over their tax money and shut the fuck up

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - February, 1, 2009

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This Week with George Stephanopoulos
February, 1, 2009
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Stephanopoulos: Buy American?

Schmidt: screw that - my grandma was a telephone operator and she lost her job to the PhoneBot 2000

Frank: There are British riots hating on Italians - they don't want them taking their Top Chef jobs

Stephanopoulos: that's not good for anyone

DeMint: i have a suggestion - let's cut taxes and regulations!!

Frank: oh yeah that's the problem - not enough regulations

DeMint: [ interrupts ] that's so gai

Frank: shut up ya neocon freak

DeMint: don't call it stimulus when it's government spending

Frank: but it is

DeMint: this is biggest spending ever in history

Frank: no that's the war in Iraq which is apparently free

Stephanopoulos: sorry we're not allowed to talk about that

Frank: well that's the problem isn't it?

FedEx: you have to understand that poor Wall Street types depend on bonuses but then again if you take taxpayer money you should probably not have a $1,400 wastebasket

Stephanopoulos: are teh CEOs idiots?

Schmidt: the best way to compensate CEOs is first with stock and then with taxpayer money

Frank: speaking of the Iraq war this is collateral damage in reverse it’s "collateral benefit" which is when you help people and accidentally aid scumbags

Stephanopoulos: interesting point

Frank: don't underestimate the anger of average American over all this stealing

DeMint: we know cutting taxes jolts the economy immediately

Stephanopoulos: how do we know that?

DeMint: the Heritage Foundation said so

Frank: oh well fuck it then

DeMint: don't call it stimulus when all you are doing is building a bridge - how many Hummers does that buy?

Frank: you are stimulating people from not dying from a collapsed bridge

DeMint: if spending worked America would have the best economy in the world

Frank: Jim why do you hate America??

Stephanopoulos: Obama Failed. To get GOP votes.

Will: Obama let liberals write this bill just because they won the 2008 elections it's outrageous

Stephanopoulos: so?

Will: the protectionism will cost jobs

Stephanopoulos: oh of course

Sanger: the issue is should we kill America like Dems want or fix America like GOP want?

Stephanopoulos: that's it

Woodward: the banks are breaking and liberals want to act without knowing facts - unlike the Bush administration

Stephanopoulos: Obama has failed domestically -
how is he failing internationally?

Radatz: give him time

Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan is Obama's Vietnam

Will: I can't believe Obama got us into Afghanistan it's the size of Texas - is he insane???

Stephanopoulos: who's fault is this?

Will: Obama - and Bill Clinton

Radatz: it's so big the whole idea of going into Afghanistan is crazy!!

Woodward: it's nuts!!

Woodward: When is the peace Obama promised a week ago??? Where is it???

Sanger: he's a failure like Bush!!

Stephanopoulos: so true

Sanger: Obama is going to have invade Pakistan if he aspires to be a great failure like George Bush

Stephanopoulos: should we surrender to the Taliban?

Will: Bush was better because he aspired to greatness and failed where Obama has lower expectations and may succeed

Radatz: the whole idea of being in Afghanistan is ridiculous

Stephanopoulos: did you point this out when Bush was President?

Radatz: no - he gave me a nickname and wiggled his fingers at me once

Woodward: why are we in Afghanistan it's an outrage!!

Radatz: meanwhile Iraq is a paradise

Will: a gangsta's paradise?

Woodward: but but but we have no strategy only a plan!!

Sanger: I agree Obama has made one mistake after another -- first invading Iraq and now Afghanistan

Stephanopoulos: it's crazy

Sanger: Bush was a wonderful President and Obama is very nice but he's no Chimpy

Woodward: speaking from 30,000 feet for a moment

Audience: ban this whiny fucker

Will: the economy here is bad imagine who bad it is in Afghanistan

Stephanopoulos: and all the money Obama wants to spend there!

Sanger: People have begun to understand that Iraq was very expensive

Stephanopoulos: Just in time!

Sanger: and invading Iraq took our eye off the ball in Afghanistan

Stephanopoulos: Truly Obama is a bad President

Radatz: indeed

Woodward: i would like whine some more

[ whine whine whine ]