Sunday, August 01, 2010

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - August 1, 2010

Nancy Pelosi - Speaker of the House
Bob Gates - Sec. of Defense

Amanpour: Nancy are Democrats turning against Obama’s war in Afghanistan?

Pelosi: oh not all - Republicans are turning against it too

Amanpour: are you against the war now

Pelosi: well I love the troops so I want to keep them in that quagmire

Amanpour: when do politicians finally end this nightmare

Pelosi: I have no idea

Amanpour: what does your gut tell you?

Pelosi: the facts tell me that it’s unwinnable and we’re supporting a totally corrupt government

Amanpour: so you are in favor of girls having their noses cut off?

Pelosi: hey I like women

Amanpour: sure you do

Pelosi: those girls are being attacked right now

Amanpour: Biden says we’re going to pull out 2,000 troops by next summer

Pelosi: it had better be more than that

Amanpour: you were going to drain the swamp and yet there’s Charlie Rangel wearing alligator shoes

Pelosi: let’s wait and see what investigation reveals Christie

Amanpour: pish posh

Amanpour: You are very successful Speaker and Obama drew crowds of 200,000 and yet Republicans say you suck - how did this happen??

Pelosi: I don’t see it that way

Amanpour: yet people are saying that-

Pelosi: which people?

Amanpour: you know ‘people’

Pelosi: oh ok

Amanpour: so are you nervous about November?

Pelosi: no not at all

Amanpour: yet people are saying you should be nervous

Pelosi: well ‘people’ are also saying Republicans are shitheads who wrecked this nation

Amanpour: But Gibbs said you could lose

Pelosi: heh - I don’t worry about low level flunkies

Amanpour: snap!

Amanpour: Tax cuts for the rich?

Pelosi: oh no the deficit you know

Amanpour: but you cut taxes for the middle class

Pelosi: strangely enough that’s popular

Amanpour: the GOP have turned you into a cartoonish villain

Pelosi: that only shows that they have nothing else to run on

Amanpour: why are you so angry and partisan?

Pelosi: this is about ideas - good ideas and whatever Republicans want to do

Amanpour: you’re bickering

Pelosi: no it’s an epic clash of ideas - ours and sucky ones

Amanpour: you go Nancy

[ break ]

Amanpour: Bill how can one teenager listening to Lady Gaga remove every document relating to the war in nine years?!

Gates: we’re trusted that kid!

Amanpour: that seems like a problem

Gates: yeah but soldiers on the front lines need to spend their time reading 92,000 pages of documents

Amanpour: we you angry to learn the war has been a waste of time

Gates: I had a sad - the enemy will learn all our tactics

Amanpour: a Taliban spokesman said they will get mad

Gates: uh oh

Amanpour: Wikileaks has blood on its hands!

Gates: We hate that in the military

Amanpour: does the Taliban have Stinger missiles?

Gates: no

Amanpour: do they have Stinger cocktails?

Gates: yes probably

Amanpour: should we leave that hellhole

Gates: nations around the world live in fear that the U.S. will not invade them

Amanpour: I see

Amanpour: what about the safe havens?

Gates: they’re very nice places

Amanpour: no I mean Pakistan should go in there

Gates: well that’s a lot to ask Christiane

Amanpour: well it’s seem like it might be necessary

Gates: we’re moving in that direction

Amanpour: but we’re leaving in 2011

Gates: good I’m sick of this

Amanpour: the bad guys will wait us out

Gates: we’re not leaving in 2011 - we’re thinning our ranks

Amanpour: the Taliban is planning a party in Sept. 2011

Gates: We’re gonna crash that fucking party!

Amanpour: Is American serious about Afghanistan or is it all a post-9/11 ragegasm?

Gates: Look it’s going to take time and we will have casualties

Amanpour: no shit

Gates: the war just started - give it a chance!

Amanpour: the Afghan people love us and want us there!

Gates: I know!

Amanpour: why don’t you go on tv and talk about it?

Gates: what is this - radio?

Amanpour: ha

Gates: Look Obama has been crystal clear - our mission is to degrade the Taliban and teach Afghans how to fire a gun

Amanpour: what about nation-building?

Gates: no we are there to get revenge for 9/11-

Amanpour: oh ok

Gates: -oh and also to create a new Afghan government and society

Amanpour: right

Amanpour: will you make a deal with the Taliban?

Gates: yes if they put down all their weapons and convert to Christianity

Amanpour: can you do that in one year?

Gates: no - but it’s all bullshit anyway

Amanpour: well thanks for coming