Saturday, October 31, 2009

Meet The Press - Halloween Episode - October 31, 2009

Meet The Press
October 31, 2009
Sen. John McCain
Count Dracula
The Mummy
The Wolfman

Gregory: Welcome to this special edition of
Meet The Press - thank you all for coming

McCain: thank you David

Dracula: yeeesss thank you Daaahhveed Greegorrry

Frankenstein: Mr. Gregory nice to be here

Wolfman: Good morning everyone

Zombie: Glad to be here, Dave

Mummy: mmmmmph rrrrmmmpph

Gregory: Senator McCain let’s start with you -
the House Democrats have proposed a 2,000
page health reform bill with a public option
- do they have the votes to pass this and can the Republicans stop it?

McCain: my friends this proposal is not the right thing to do - we need to start over, go back to the drawing board and-

Zombie: Fresh brains!!! mmmmrrrrrrgghhhh!!!!

[ zombie lunges at McCain ]

Gregory: zombie please don’t eat John
McCain’s brain

McCain: aaaaaarrhhhh

Zombie: grrraarrmmmphhh nom nom nom nom

Gregory: great now McCain is wandering around
the studio aimlessly

Frankenstein: so nothing new then

Wolfman: ha good one Frank

Frankenstein: thanks Wolf

Gregory: ok John McCain is now one of the undead - let’s move on

McCain: moooooaaaannn

Gregory: Dracula what do you think of this
health reform bill

Dracula: Daaavid Gregorrry I must say this bill eees
a terrible idea - Americans viiill lose access to health care, and insurance companies vill be put out
of business

Gregory: to be fair you are Transylvanian and immortal

Dracula: Nevertheless Daaavid Grrregory ze American people don’t vant a puuuublic option
- zey vant lower taxes and tort reforrrm

Wolfman: I strongly disagree. Look at me - being a wolfman is a preexisting condition - how am I supposed to get health insurance now?? Plus I have
sciatica, high blood pressure, and distemper!

Gregory: sorry to hear that

Mummy: mmmmrrrrph arrrruummph

Gregory: Frankenstein what do you think?

Frankenstein: Actually I’m The Creature - Frankenstein was the scientist who created me

Gregory: oh really sorry

Frankenstein: it’s okay - you can call me Frank

McCain: [ wanders across stage ]

Frankenstein: David it’s clear we need single-payer insurance - if government insurance is good enough for members of Congress and our military, why not everyone else?

Gregory: but the deficit!!!

Frankenstein: Calm down Fluffy - it’s more efficient and speaking as someone is himself stitched from parts of dead bodies - I know how much we need this

Dracula: eees a government takeover of health carrre and eess a jobs kiiiiller

Gregory: I should tell our viewers Dracula that you sit on the board of directors of Aetna and United Health and have $200 million in health insurance stock

Dracula: [ shrugs ] I have made a few investments over zeee last 500 yearrrs, eees true

Zombie: I’m very concerned about the details - for example will there be negotiated rates? Who will be eligible for the public option? And most importantly -
will it cover fresh brains???

Gregory: all good questions

McCain: [cuts in front of camera ]
aaaaarrrhhh braaaains

Gregory: the public option has created a firestorm
of controversy

Frankenstein: Fire BAAAD!!!!

Wolfman: without single-payer this is basically a giveaway to the insurance companies, for example oh no full moon oh no nooo ow ow oww OW OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

[ turns into wolf, leaps on zombie John McCain ]

McCain: aaaaiiiieeeee

Gregory: oh Wolfman is biting the senator

Frankenstein: that’s a shame

Gregory: Ok he just ate John McCain - let’s move on

[ Dracula stares at Gregory’s neck ]

Gregory: Mummy you’re from the middle east - if
we leave Iraq and Afghanistan don’t we just surrender to the terrorists?

Mummy: I once read in hieroglyphics that you
were a moron

Gregory: we have to stay for the honor of our troops! Also spending on health care is bad!

Mummy: you’re like the Rosetta Stone of Stupidity

Dracula: I haf liiived for 800 yeeearrss and I must say I think that theeees eees not so good a situation

Mummy: Granted the extremists are dangerous -
but what are we doing there? And is bombing people really going to win over the people? We went up against the Greek, Romans, and Napoleon and the pyramids are still around

Gregory: good point

McCain: oooooohhhhh!!!!! ow owww oooooowwwwwww!!!!

Gregory: great now Senator John McCain is
a werewolf

Dracula: you have lovely skiiiin Dahveeeed Gregorrrry

Gregory: thanks very much Count

Dracula: pleeez call me Vlaaad

Gregory: Vlad what about Congressional race in upstate New York - the Republican nominee just dropped out!

Frankenstein: sure people hate Republicans

Gregory: no she quit in favor of a right wing
crazy person

Dracula: this eees good news for Repuuuuublicans - Scozzafava vas not a real Repuuuublican - she doesn’t believe in teabagging, African birth certificates, or demonized Hallowen candy - there’s no room for that kind of thinking in today’s party Dahveed Greeegorrry

Gregory: Hoffman is a vampire, isn’t he?

Dracula: [ smiles slyly ] maybe

Gregory: Oooh tell me who else is???

Dracula: just between us - Karl Rove, Pat and Bay Buchanan, Mary Matalin and-

Gregory: and James Carville?

Dracula: oh no - I think he eees some kind
of underground trolll

Gregory: ah

Dracula: how vould like to be immorrrrtal, dahveed?
[strokes Gregory's hair]

Gregory: gee I don’t know

Dracula: don’t reeesiiist me dahveed

[ lunges over, bites Gregory on the neck ]

Gregory: oh my

Dracula: you are now a vampire - a member of the glorious family of the soulless undead, sucking the blood of the living for eternity

Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]
and we’ll be back next Sunday for another edition of Meet The Press where my guest will be zombie werewolf John McCain


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...


Spocko said...

I find it hard to believe that all those monsters are so moderate. That would mean that Republicans are the REAL Monst...

Oh, now I get it.

Anonymous said...

I assume that the zombie was Robert Novak.

Anonymous said...

Okay if the Egyptians knew that Gregory was a moron that's pretty impressive.

I did not know that.

I thought Nostradamus having forseen him: ("and shall arise a tall creature made of pressed meat, who will speak much and be a moron") was pretty amazing, but 4000 BC? That wins hands down.

Karin said...

This was the best Press The Meet episode ever.

RockDots said...

Count Lieberman was my favorite. He's so scaaaaary!

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