Sunday, October 18, 2009

Meet the Press - October 18, 2009

October 18, 2009
White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett
Sen. Chris Dodd
Sen. John Kyl
Maria Shriver
John Podesta
Gregory: OMG the economy has not done well since January of 2009!!

Jarrett: that’s right - which goes to show how bad a President George Bush was

Gregory: [high pitched voice] so what is he going to do about it??

Jarrett: step one is stave off disaster, step two is move the economy from ‘craptacular’ to ‘mediocre’

Gregory: second stimulus?

Jarrett: he plans to create 40,000 more jobs next month

Gregory: how is that?

Jarrett: Invade Uzbekistan

Gregory: Obama says he’s going take on the nice insurance industry but they’re his partners - it’s so sad!

Jarrett: the message is - don’t make Obama mad!!

Gregory: but Politico says unions are really mad that Obama is going to raise taxes on the middle class

Jarrett: hey Fluffy is this was easy someone else would have done it already - but don’t stop Obama - he’s one TNT motherfucker!!

Gregory: Will he push for a public option?

Jarrett: he likes it

Gregory: but will he demand it?

Jarrett: he will ask nicely for it

Gregory: what happened to ‘yes we can’?

Jarrett: it’s now “affirmative we will try, fuckers”

Gregory: how can American get the pig flu as fast as possible

Rice: we have a whole website devoted helping get the flu

Gregory: what’s your answer

Jarrett: wash your hands, stop sneezing, and skip the ER visit - just go to

[ break ]

Gregory: should we have a public option?

Dodd: you’re damm right we should

Gregory: so how can it happen if Obama doesn’t push for it

Dodd: we’ll roll it out and test drive it and then argue for it

Gregory: it sounds like you’re planning for a big defeat

Dodd: I’m confident that we might be able to get someone to vote for it

Gregory: Republican Senator I’d like ask you a tough question - why is the Republican party so darn popular?

Kyl: I’m glad you asked me that tough question - it’s because we’re so wonderful

Gregory: what’s your health care plan?

Kyl: let the free market take care of sick, dying, penniless people!

Greg: how would that work?

Kyl: they could sell their organs in a reverse mortgage - dammit do I have to think of everything??

Greg: do you support a trigger option?

Kyl: hell no!

Dodd: hell no!

Gregory: finally some bipartisanship!

Gregory: hey Kyl - why doesn’t Afghanistan have to be deficit neutral?

Kyl: 9/11

Gregory: so what about people dying for lack of health insurance?

Kyl: free market

Gregory: that’s all you’ve got?

Kyl: grrrrrr

Dodd: people are dying in his state every day!

Kyl: well most of them were old anyway

Gregory: Wall Street bonuses?

Dodd: it’s an outrage!

Kyl: now we have to be very careful because we want to express our outrage and bash Obama but also not in any way limit massive unnecessary wasteful welfare bonuses for capitalist overlords

Gregory: okay then

Gregory: wow - there are girls in the workforce!

Shriver: Half of workers are women - we have to adapt to this crazy change

Jarrett: First thank you Fluffy for spotlighting this

Gregory: thanks Val

Jarrett: we need families to thrive to meet this challenge of women who work

Gregory: this is all about me, and you of course

Podesta: that’s right - the battle of the sexes is over and Billie Jean King won

Gregory: married couples are negotiating the rules of their relationship

Podesta: wow those Geico cavemen must be so confused

Shriver: It’s smart for business to support the American worker

Audience: good luck with that

Gregory: People expect women to take care of the kids, make dinner and hold down a job

Jarrett: Look at Michelle Obama - top lawyer, mother, and helped Barack become President

Gregory: what about the male ego?

Shriver: I live with Arnold so I know what you’re talking about

Gregory: I have no ego

Shriver: well that makes sense - I’ve seen your show

Podesta: 80% of men said they were happy to have women make more money and also take care of the kids and elderly parents

Gregory: fascinating

Gregory: this paper says men should be flexible because women change their minds all the time

Jarrett: that’s right - you gotta go with the flow

Shriver: the recession has hit male jobs first

Gregory: so what’s the answer?

Shriver: telecommuting

Gregory: I just had a conversation with a female executive asking her if I could phone Meet the Press in

Shriver: what did she say?

Gregory: she thought I already was

Gregory: why does school have to get out at 3:00, it’s very inconvenient

Gregory: Republicans say it’s bad that women are working

Shriver: well we need women working but also be there when their kids come home too

Gregory: when do we get a woman President?

Podesta: well Nancy Pelosi is Speaker so we will someday

Gregory: but even Hillary Clinton couldn’t do it!

Shriver: well maybe women just don’t want to put themselves through all that just to prove how awesome they are

Gregrory: [ fluffs hair ] maybe Maria

1 comment:

Johnny Pez said...

Gregory: she thought I already was

Sublime as always.