Sunday, February 17, 2013

State of the Union Address - February 12, 2013

Ladies and Gentlemen – 
the President of the United States!

Good evening you dysfunctional idiots!

[ applause ]

We've reduced the debt by more than 
two trillion dollars mostly slashing spending

[yaaaaay ]

Now let me talk about the 
goddamm stupid harsh automatic 
spending cuts

They would devastate the military 
and cut medical research

[ boooooo ]

They're a really bad motherfucking idea!

oh sure we could spare the military 
but cutting gramda's health care - 
well that's even fucking worse!

[ ooooh ]

True healthcare is expensive

[ golf clap ]

call me a crazy sucker but we can't 
put all the burdens on old people 
just so some rich white jerk can drive 
a new Bentley or Tesla – hell those 
crap cars don't even work in the damn winter

[ elon musk pens angry letter ]

By the way my health care 
plan cut costs!

But I'm willing to raise costs for
drug companies and ask rich 
old people to pay more

[ clap clap ]

also lets get rid of tax loopholes – 
you know the ones Republicans 
keep saying they're against

[ confused clapping ]

if the debt is such a big fucking deal 
– let's raise some motherfucking taxes!

Come on white people – 
show me what ya got!!

[ awkward shifting in seats ]

why are billionaires paying less 
taxes than their secretaries goddammit?!?

[ big applause ]

we're the greatest goddamn country 
on this earth so stop creating 
all these fake crises!

Y'all got a black President! 
Get used to it already!

[ clap clap clap ]

Oh and by the way – the debt doesn't 
fucking matter you stupid morons!

So why do ya'll get off your asses and
pass my one-year old jobs bill!

[ booo ]

ok here's another plan which also 
doesn't create debt and so will 
probably also be useless and ignored!

[ yaaay booo ]

Apple is making Macs in America again –
now that everyone is buying 
samsung adroid phones!

3-D printing and R2-D2 can be 
made in America!

[ wheeee ]

We've have mapped the human 
genone and will soon clone Joe Biden!

[ eeeeek ]

We're understanding the human brain 
and may soon understand how 
Glenn Beck's mind works!

[ woooot ]

Hey stupid Republicans – you can 
keep pretending there is no climate 
change but soon the Jersey Shore
will be in Pennsylvania!

Casey: sweet

Oh did I mention all of our bridges 
are about to fall down?

We're building self-healing power grids –
they're like motherfucking Commander Data!

[ robotic clapping ]

We're creating modern schools – 
worthy of our children– hell our kids 
won't be worthy of these schools
we'll have to imports some Swedes!

Let's help homeowners – what's 
stopping you Congress!?

Let's give our families the tools
they need to thrive in pre-school – 
Bushmaster rifles!

Kids are more likely to hold down a job if
they learn to read by the 10th grade! 
Aim high, people!

Germans learn English by the time they 
graduate – we can do it too!!

Today's employers want engineers
scientists and lawyers – well not that last one

[ ooooh ]

Colleges stop sitting on those 
multi-billion endowments – just 
what are you saving it for?!?

Tomorrow I will score each school on
bang-for-the-buck and Most Rocking Party!

[ paaaaartyy!!! ]

I love immigrants – but they have to 
get to the back of the line!

But we need low-skilled immigrants 
for the jobs American's won't do 
and high-skilled ones for the jobs 
Americans can't do

[ yaaaaay ]

and get off your damn asses and pass
the Violence Against Women act!
I mean it!

The minimum wage is $14,000!
No, not a month Congress! A year!

[ whaaaat ]

Working people have to go the food bank!
And no idiots that's not an actual bank!

Let's kill two birds with one stone!
Hire people unemployed because of 
the recession to fix cities ruined 
by the recession!

What makes you man is not the ability to
conceive a child but to the ability to conduct
a raid and kill Osama bin Laden!
Damn I love those stone cold SEALS!

This time next year the war in Afghanistan will be over!


We've crushed al-aqaeda!

[ booo ]

We need to keep fighting but we don't need
thousands of soldiers – we need drones!

Now I know some nitpickers wonder if
I should be killing Americans abroad –
so in the months ahead I will be sending
relevant TPS reports on my kill list!

But first, attack Iran!

[ yaaaaay ]

Damn I am pissed at our enemies who seek
our access to our power grids, 
e-mails, and twitter accounts!

[ furious twittering ]

Tonight I am announcing trans-atlantic 
trade with Europe – we will send them 
jazz and football and get cognac and haggis

I saw The Power of Hope in Rangoon – 
it's a great new movie by Ben Affleck

Oh and Israel – blah blah blah

America will keep the best military 
ever including Ancient Fucking Rome!

Women have proven they are ready 
for combat – lookin at you Rihanna!

Michelle and Joe's wife love 
soldiers and veterans – 
aren't they awesome!

[ clap clap clap ]

By they way, I hear the right to vote 
is pretty fucking important!
What white person ever waited 
 5 fucking hours to vote?!?

[ oooooh ]

But first you gotta grown up to vote –
how about getting weapons of war 
off the goddamn streets?!?!

Weapons of war motherfucker - 
do you need 'em?!?

[ eeeeeep ]

Jesus fuck one girl performed at my
inauguration and now she's dead –
what is this fucking Normandy on D-Day???

The families of Newtown deserve a vote!
The people of Aurora deserve a vote! 
Gabby Giffords deserves a vote! 
Vote no if you're that stupid –
but they deserve a vote!

[ yaaaaay ]

And don't hand me that shit about nothing
being a perfect solution – I've had it up
to here with that crap!

Look here this woman waited to vote and
she's 102 and years old – her first vote
was for Grover Cleveland against John McCain!

This police officer was shot 5 times defending
a Sikh Temple – that's right he saw those
turbans but didn't freak the fuck out

You know why – because we're all 
citizens dipshits!

God bless America!

Good night white fuckers!


Republican Response:

Hi I'm Marcio Rubio

I love our troops, democracy, 
America, and fetuses

Like Mitt Romney I didn't inherit 
anything from my parents

America is great because people can
take a risk and if they fail and
rich enough get a bailout

Did you Obama created the debt and
government caused the recession 
– no its true!

Those pesky laws cause all kinds of problems

And Obamacare is causing 
unemployment – also Obama is really mean

Obama says we only care about rich –
but my neighbors aren't millionaires – 
although I hate theml

Obama caused the recession –
also the economy shrank – so we must
cut taxes and also cut more taxes!

Who doesn't love lower taxes?!?

God gave us lots of coal – it would
be a sin not to burn it!

Also it would be good for poor people 
to cut taxesfor rich people – 
are you following me yet?

Education isn't about money – it's about profit!

I paid off $100,000 in student loans by
working as a male escort – 
that's honest money!

Obama loves to blame to debt 
on President Bush but Obama 
caused the recession!

I love Medicare – I would never support
changing Medicare for my parents – 
just for you!

Our stength doesn't come from government – 
it comes from 5 HOUR ENERGY!

[ drinks ]

stay thirsty my friends - stay thirsty!


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