Meet The Press
May 10, 2009
Asif Ali Zardari of Pakistan
Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan
Gregory: can the Taliban take down Pakistan?
Zardari: what goes up must come down
Gregory: which is more dangerous the Taliban or India?
Zardari: Simon Cowell
Gregory: is it America's war or Pakistan's war?
Zardari: it's our problem - but one which you created
Gregory: how many troops do you have fighting the Taliban
Zardari: more than you do dipshit
Gregory: so why not have more?
Zardari: well they're not all soldiers - there's the band and choir and glee club
Gregory: the US Congress thinks that you suck
Zardari: oh fuck those assholes
Gregory: do you have any strategy?
Zardari: yes - get America to step up and win this war
Gregory: what else
Zardari: support democracy and the system
Gregory: that's how you defeat a violent insurgency??
Zardari: hey it's all I got - you got any better ideas fluffyhead?
Gregory: it seems like you're not doing a very good job
Zardari: well let me respond this way - fuck you
Gregory: did you make a deal with the Taliban?
Zardari: hey howie mandel had me down to 2 briefcases - I had no choice
Gregory: did you appease the Taliban?
Zardari: Parliament made me do it
Gregory: what is you fucking plan?
Zardari: we have a long-term plan to lose to the Taliban
Gregory: I must tell you sir that some people see the Pakistani state collapsing
Zardari: hey anything could happen - but we outnumber the insurgents
Gregory: that's it??
Zardari: we need the whole world to get together and win this thing!
Gregory: who's side on you really on??
Zardari: give me more money than AIG and I will
tell you the answer
Gregory: but you support the Taliban as an anti-India buffer
Zardari: damm right
Gregory: but that’s appeasement
Zardari: hey motherfucker you supported a dictator who
imprisoned me and killed my wife
Gregory: do you have any power in your own country?
Zardari: i don't know
Gregory: who the fuck is in charge of Pakistan
Zardari: i am - in strong consultation with the military
Gregory: it seems like they order you around
Zardari: you're very rude - you should give me money and i will
tell you whatever you want to hear
Gregory: I’m sorry that was pre-Obama
Gregory: Attack of the drones?
Zardari: i want my own toy drones dammit
Gregory: where is Osama?
Zardari: he's like Patrick Swayze in Ghost or Obi Wan Kenobi - more powerful dead than alive
Gregory: he's really not dead as long as we remember him
Zardari: like Spock
Greggers: exactly Ali
[ break ]
Gregory: your country sucks - it is too little, too late to save your nation?
Karzai: ah i recall when the international community came to us in 2001
Gregory: the invasion?
Karzai: ah yes
Gregory: so it is too late?
Karzai: ah yes your Bush is quite a fuck-up
Gregory: since Obama became President i just became concerned about civilian casualties
Karzai: ah yes I noticed that
Karzai: please stop bombing our villages thank you
Gregory: why is it that this issue bothers you so much?
Karzai: the dead children - ah well that's just the people you know how they are
Gregory: is your country pathetic and fucked?
Karzai: no not all we have many students studying abroad
Gregory: were you wrong about the Taliban being fucked
Karzai: ah no no
Gregory: but they are back and better than ever!
Karzai: ah but in 2001 they ran the country and no they only run most of the country
Gregory: can we reconcile with some of the Taliban?
Karzai: just regular Taliban we want to reconcile with - but the al qaeda-types - those we don't like
Gregory: can Pakistan defeat the Taliban
Gregory: do you have confidence in that guy I just interviewed
Karzai: that chump - not really
Gregory: do you hate America just because we kill civilians every day
Karzai: oh no, not all - why would you think that dancing dave
Gregory: gee i don't know
Karzai: i have a very pro-American message - why do think I am sitting through this horrible interview?
Gregory: why don't you love us?
Karzai: because the US is killing our children
Gregory: are you calling the US immoral??
Karzai: no no no not all - I am calling your actions immoral
Gregory: well we're America so we can't do anything wrong of course
Karzai: yes but you should aim for a higher morality than the terrorists - do you see my point fluffyhead?
Gregory: yeah but we're fighting really, really bad supervillians
Karzai: ah of course that goes without saying - but eventually we will get fed up with you and your asshole ways
Gregory: the media aren't that bad
Karzai: i meant the bombing stupid
Gregory: did you sign a law giving men permission to rape the wives?
Karzai: i signed the law but to be fair I thought i was banning gay marriage
Gregory: so how will you rewrite the law?
Karzai: hey dude I'm not a dictator it has to go through legal processes
Gregory: well that sounds inefficient - you should try it the American way
[ break ]
Gregory: why is Pakistan so fucking scary?
Coll: they have nukes, Taliban, and a lot of crazies
Mitchell: we keep telling them to stop obsessing with India and go after the enemy we care about
Gregory: bad things happen there
Mitchell: they have a big rivalry it fucks them up
Coll: Karzai and Zadari seem like nice guys but let's face it they're detached and kind of out of touch with reality
Gregory: what is victory in a land war in Asia?
Mitchell: Hopefully we don't get nuked by terrorists
Gregory: dream big
Mitchell: or at least only a non-American city like Juneau or Honolulu
Coll: We need stability which comes from Pakistani peace with India
Gregory: why can't we kick more Al Qaeda ass???!!!
Mitchell: we need to rebuild both countries and also get a hold of their nukes
Gregory: does the US public have the stomach for more war - which I love?
Coll: they're going to have to
Gregory: well good - and now some funny clips of me dancing with karl rove
Mitchell: hee hee you're no john travolta but you can cut a rug