Friday, October 26, 2007

Republican Debate - October 25, 2007

Republican Debate
Hosted by AARP
October 25, 2007
John McCain
Mike Huckabee
Let the Republican Debate Begin!

Our candidates are:

Mike "Dinosaurs knew Jesus" Huckabee

John "I was a Tortured by the VC and George Bush" McCain

McCain: don’t worry about my age my 95 year old mother drives at 112 mph around arizona so i will live long although I’ve inherited a death wish

Commentator: ha ha ha

McCain: all governors end up in prison

Governor: whaaa?????

McCain: the problem with health care in america is not the quality its that its expensive and hillarycare will make it cost even more ergo she's evil

McCain: i urge you go to canada or england if you need care and you can't afford it

audience: yay!

McCain: clearly the answer to our problems is tort reform and suing pharmaceutical companies - problem solved

audience: yay

McCain: also we should import drugs from Canada

audience: whaaaa???

McCain: just give every rich american a $2500 tax credit and then they can shop around at "Heart Transplants R Us"

audience: woo hoo

McCain: the problem in american is that people lack self esteem because they don't have health insurance so we should send them self help books ergo problem solved

audience: okaaaay

Huckabee: most of you don't know that John McCain and I were married for 5 years in the 1980s

audience: ha ha ha ha

Huckster: the number one issue in america is that we have too many fat people

audience: clap clap

Huckster: i lost 110 pounds

audience: yay!

Huckster: i got divorced!

audience: ha ha ha ha

Huckster: out health care costs are because Americans are fat and lazy and it's all their fault

audience: golf clap

Huckabee: America looks like an NFL team with 70,000 people cheering on a dozen guys beating the shit out of each other

audience: USA!! USA!!

Huckster: let me steal Hillary's line about the diabetic foot thing

Huck: did you know that health costs more than the Iraq war???

Viewer: well duh we're nickel and diming the war

Huck: yeah but look at all the money we're saving

Mod: does that figure include health care costs related to the war?

Huck: Uhhhhhhhh

Mod: how would you boost savings?

McCain: health savings accounts

Mod: are you fucking serious

McCain: the tax code sucks

Mod: no shit sherlock

McCain: we should have tax credit for fitness

Mod: anything else

McCain: medical malpractice reform

Mod: that's it?

McCain: personal responsiblity

Mod: what else

McCain: did i say fitness?

Mod: yes

McCain: then i say let adam smith solve the problem

Huckster: key to savings to create a national sales tax April 15 would be just another bootyful spring day in america

audience: yay no IRS!!

Huckster: if it can't be fixed with duct tape can't be fixed and our health care system can't be fixed

McCain: well a sales tax is stupid but you can't rely on Congress - it should be disbanded

Mod: so what instead

McCain: hire alan greenspan to be our Provisional Dictator

Mod: that's insane

McCain: i could be yur Ruler

Mod: what else will solve the USA's problems

McCain: 401k's

Mod: that's all?

McCain: let angry americans finally buy insurance across state lines dammitt!!

Huckster: stop penalizing income and start penalizing spending

McCain: 30 trillion in unfunded spening with Medicaid and medicare and it's all socialized medicine but we have an obligation to keep all that but without raising taxes

Mod: what the fuck did you just say?

McCain: i dunno

Huckster: i only trust me and i want to be in control of my own health care

audience: yay!!

Huckster: but government should be a safety net

audeince: yay!

Huckster: i hate people like john mccain who are from washington they are all polarized

audience: woo!

McCain: now i will mention that i am a veteran unlike fatty

Huckster: hey!

McCain: sorry skinny

McCain: when i'm presnit every veteran will carry plastic card which will ensure them crappy care

Huckster: this is going to shock you but people don't come up to me and beg me to raise taxes but I gave people envelopes called the Tax Me More Fund and people could always give their own money to teh goverment

Moderator: ok that is the single dumbest thing i have ever heard in my life

Huckster: look we either we eliminate social security or start killing old people

McCain: well i am old so i don't like that

audience: ha ha

McCain: my democrat friends are not serious because they don't believe we should let people invest FICA in tulip bulbs

McCain: ronald reagan and tip o'neill were 2 old irishmen who ot drunk one night and solved social security for 10 years

Mod: awesome

McCain: i will reach out to my democrat friends

Mod: but you just used a slur

McCain: fuck you

McCain: the national sales tax sucks even the wall street journal says so

Hucker: that left wing rag!

Mod: dood there will still be an irs but it be will be for your sales tax

Hucker: no let states do it

McCain: dream on looney

Huckster: why is government subsidizing smokers but punishing healthy people

Mod: what the fuck?

Huckster: why have sick leave - make sick people work and reward healthy people give them the day off

Mod: that's nuts

Huckster: hook every american up to a pedometer

McCain: i love those ideas - why don't insurers do that

Mod: that's the free market dood

McCain: well they should pay for membership in fitness clubs

Mod: dandy

Mod: how can we solve america's problems?

McCain: Nancy Reagan solves american's drug problem by appearing on Diff'rt Strokes let her do it again

Mod: any other solutions

McCain: stop Leonardo DiCaprio from smoking in the movies dammitt!!!

Mod: awesome

McCain: these damm lawyers are responsible for kids smoking

Mod: dood are you fucking senile

Huckster: it's crazy that people spend 85% of their care dollars in the last few weeks of life therefore we should just kill people a few months earlier

Mod: ok

Huckster: we need to empower people to not need medical care

Viewer: excellent

Huckster: we should reiumberse family members to take care of families like bathing your elderly parent

viewer: that sure sounds like fun

McCain: we need to take care of WWII vets they're dying

Viewer: true

McCain: let me add that everyone should have a living will when they hit 60 i got one thirty years ago

Mod: why does this county suck

McCain: it's all evil partisanship and americans are tired of it

Mod: who is a good democrat

McCain: joe lieberman

Mod: no an actual dem

McCain: russ feingold

Mod: ooh a jew bold move old man

McCain: ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mod: ok Huckster McCain has fallen asleep so the floor is yours

Mod: dood we have governor as presnit now and frankly he sucks so why should we elect you

Huckster: i want to be Communicator in Chief

Mod: but the evil Dems!!

Huckbee: i will go to the american people and speak softly

McCain: i can whisper like i'm doing now

Mod: which presnit do you admire

McCain: John F Kennedy

Mod: what will you do about Iraq

McCain: stop lying to the American peeple

Mod: that's just crazy enough to work

Question from audience: SCHIP doods

Huckabee: the Dems wants to give welfare to people making $80,000 a year and we just can't afford it

Mod: but everyone agree with them

Huckabee: that proves my point the Democrats are so evil they appeal to people whereas John McCain has risen above such pettiness as popularity

Mod: well yes or no for SCHIP

Huckabee: look most people like kids and Republicans would give them health care if we could afford it

Mod: yes or fucking no

Huckabee: i hate the elderly too

McCain: those fucking dems were going to increase taxes on smoking meaning they were going to tell people to keep smoking to help children well that's bad

viewer: huh

McCain: we just can't afford it

viewer: so what's the answer

McCain: walk-in clinics

Huckbee: let's not debate who denied kids health care the important point is that Dems are bad

Q: how do we solve social security

McCain: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mod: wake up dood

McCain: 401ks, savings accounts, Dems need to sit down with us and agree to destroy the system

Huckebees: annutities

Mod: what else

Huckabees: the word privatize scared people the better word is "personalized" accounts the government would be your partner

Mod: in other words, eliminate social security

Huckster: yes but not for the current elderly

audience: yay!

McCain: ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Huck: doctors go to school for a long time and insurance companies tell him how long he can spend with you

Mod: fucking private market

Huck: and don't get me started on those gowns no secrets dood

Mod: and those magazines i mean highlights??

McCain: people skip medical school because it's expensive so we should do that thing they did on Northen Exposure

Mod: i never got that wasn't he from new york city?

McCain: let it go dood

Mod: name one good thing Bush has ever done

McCain: he won the election and he promised to get rid of social security


[synchronized swimming clap ]

McCain: the fucking partisan dems derailed it damm hippie traitors

Question: doods who watches the nest egg?

Huckman: dood you will it will be like the FDIC you will be like a flying wallenda an investor with a safety net

Mod: because americans never lose money in investments

Huckabee: exactly who would trust a bunch of bureauracrats

McCain: i would have a group like the board of trustees of Social Security now to oversee how SS money is invested

Mod: i'm sorry what the fuck

McCain: i would have the government insure people investing in gold mines in africa

audience member: jesus fucking christ what the fuck???

McCain: dood no one ever washed a rental care people will never lose their own money!

audience member: dood did the vietcong hit you in the head or something

McCain: well there would be limits

Huckabee: we should have courses in money management ergo problem solved

audience member: holy shit you're crazee too

Your final statements pleeze:

Huckster: look we've been through Revolution and WWII and the Civil War and the Great Depression and all sorts of horrible shit so i truly belive the country could survive my presidency too

McCain: look Republicans are corrupt and in prison and we failed in Katrina and we failed in Iraq so you should vote for me

Mod: huh

McCain: i will carry a pen with me to stab lobbyists with

audience: yay

Closing statements:

McCain: i love the commmies at Divided We Fail and thank the Huckster -- also Rudy Guiliani and Fred Thomspon can suck my dick

audience: yay

McCain: as you may now we lost a war was i was a pow and jane fonda was ruining america and then ronald reagan came and won the cold war without drinking a shot and now we face consumate evil from islamofascist and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mod: well he fell asleep - Hucky?

Huckster: yay I'm the last one left standing!!

audience: yay

Huckster: no male in my family ever went to high school

Mod: well that's it

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