Sunday, September 20, 2009

Meet the Press with Barack Obama - September 20, 2009

Meet the Press
September 20, 2009
Barack Obama
Eugene Robinson
Roger Simon
Gregory: welcome and thank you for coming President Barack - do you like my hair?

Obama: tick tock, dipshit

Gregory: sorry - Bam what exactly is your health care plan?

Obama: cut premiums, eliminate pre-existing conditions, fewer costs, cap out-of-pocket expenses and be deficit neutral

Gregory: what unpopular things will you do?

Obama: I’ve already made alot of tough choices

Gregory: like you finally told those dirty public option-loving hippies to fuck off - and I loved it!

Obama: no I didn’t liar

Gregory: ok so what will you do people will hate?

Obama: I’m going to force people to buy health insurance

Gregory: yeah but that’s easy - health insurance is cheap

Obama: no it isn’t

Gregory: [ blow drys hair ] sorry what?

Obama: and I conceded on tort reform and many other Republican ideas

Gregory: but when are you really taking on the dirty leftist hippies???

Obama: maybe you haven’t been paying attention but I gave the GOP everything they wanted!

Gregory: but you haven’t resigned!

Obama: um,, no

Gregory: or put hippies in internment camps where they belong!

Obama: give me another six months

Gregory: is Jimmy Carter right that all your opponents are racists?

Obama: no - some of them are just out of their fucking minds

Gregory: but just to be clear are you saying there is no racism in America or that everyone in America is a racist?

Obama: Rahm Emmanuel told me you were a moron

Gregory: but you’re blackness is so controversial!

Obama: this is catnip to idiots like you

Gregory: could this lead to violence?

Obama: let me put it this way

[ punches Gregory in the face ]

Gregory: ow!

Obama: the loud crazy person seems to get all the attention from the media these days

Gregory: but we have to cover famous mentally ill people -- that's people are talking about!

Obama: i suppose the first Congressman to call me a nigger will get on the cover of Time magazine

Gregory: i can see it now - "Racist or Just Having Fun?"

Obama: apparently the easiest way to get on tv is be a rude obnoxious asshole

Gregory: not all the protestors were like that

Obama: I was talking about you

Gregory: oh that gives me a sad

Obama: calm down Fluffy

Gregory: Afghanistan?

Obama: we’re going to kick al-qaeda ass and if we can’t do that then we’re going to get out

Gregory: who is going to win the World Series?

Obama: the fucking White Sox

Gregory: but they suck

Obama: ok the damm Yankees

Gregory: ooooh

[ break ]

Gregory: Boner - I dare you to say something non-stupid

Boehner: Big Government arble garble

Gregory: are you conservatives all racists?

Boehner: Big Govgarble babaabbaabafrmf merrrgle

Graham: Obama accused Republicans of lying so we had to call him a Nazi

Gregory: but Grassley really was a liar

Lindsay: the President is clearly an unhinged lunatic screaming all the time and being all combative by saying he wouldn’t tolerate liars - that was a slap in the face to the GOP

Gregory: no offense but you people come across as frankly crazy and we’re all worried about another Oklahoma City

Lindsay: well people carrying guns and committing bombings is quite understandable when Obama is proposing a very high budget

Gregory: that justifies calling Obama Hitler?

Bohener: cap and trade - people are scared to death!!

Gregory: to death?? over that??

Boehner: he’s a socialist and he’s going to destroy the country and people are really really really scared!!

Gregory: George Bush left this country a wreck and all you can do is scream about Marxist and compare Obama to Pol Pot

Boehner: no we have great ideas like ending malpractice lawsuits and letting people buy health insurance on the market

Gregory: that’s it?

Boehner: Obama never invites me to the White House
[ starts sobbing ]

Gregory: don’t cry boney

Boehner: this plan will fail

Gregory: so what the fuck are you crying about?

Boehner: [ sniffles]
he needs to hit the reset button

Gregory: Lindy what does the President need to do ?

Graham: he needs to get off the tv and give the Republicans what they want

Gregory: why is Obama failing?

Graham: he keeps telling people what they want to hear and that’s why people are rejecting him

Gregory: tell me about Afghanistan

Graham: we need to leave with security and honor and then hand it all off to that loser Karzai

Boehner: [ sobbing ]
all he talks about is going after al qaeda that is a very big change and I’m very concerned

Gregory: stop crying for god’s sake

Boehner: but there’s something amiss here
[ wipes tears ]

Gregory: Obama rejected missile defense which doesn’t work

Graham: it’s a total capitulation to the Russians and Iran and we’ve abandoned the little Czechs

Gregory: speaking of sleazey Republicans what about Sanford?

Graham: if we get rid of him they’ll just be another one

Gregory: hey Tom DeLay is Dancing with the Czars - what a second act!

Boehner: you should go on with Karl Rove

Gregory: that would be so cool!

[ break ]

Gregory: Eugene Robinson you say that a lot of the teabagging weirdos are racists

Robinson: undoubtedly - every time you go to one of these rallies the nuts show up claiming he shouldn’t even be President and he's a British-Indonesian Muslim born in Kenya

Gregory: but people said also Bush was not legitimately elected

Robinson: well he wasn’t it

Gregory: and they attacked Clinton and said he wasn’t legitimate

Robinson: that was irrational too

Simon: Jimmy Carter is a fucker - we’re not going to heal racial wounds by pointing out that insane lunatics have been relentlessly attacking the President and send each photoshopped e-mails of Obama as an African witch doctor

Gregory: Has Obama failed to sell government?

Simon: Obama believes entirely in Big Government - that’s who he is

Robinson: jesus people come to rallies bashing government health care and they are on Medicare - they’re completely crazy

Gregory: Is Obama right that the media is full of fuckers?

Simon: we cover bullshit because we brings the truth to the people

Robinson: it’s hypocritical to say the media are shallow and stupid and then go on tv

Gregory: Obama knee-cappped Gov. Paterson!

Simon: shocking - what happened to melanin-solidarity!?

Gregory: Huckabee 2012!!

Robinson: yeah good luck with that


IndieTarheel said...

Awesome - and easier to read than listening to MC Rove's backup screamer.

Anonymous said...

This makes a great deal more sense than the actual "news" media.

Unknown said...

rarely do i get a good belly laugh out of politics these days.
made my monday morning

Major Mel Funkshun said...

It amazes me how much time you save me. These shows usually last a half an hour, yet I can just read your translation in about 3 minutes and come out more informed than if I had watched the show.

Batocchio said...

Well done, as always.

"This is catnip to idiots like you" is the theme of our age.