Sunday, June 10, 2007

Meet The Press - June 10, 2007

Meet The Press - June 10, 2007

Guest: Colin Powell

Tim Russert: Iraq war - 3,500 dead, 25,000 wounded, 100,000 Iraqis dead - is it the greatest fuck up in history or what

Colin Powell: unlike Stupid I mean President Bush I call it a civil war

Russert: so what does that mean

Powell: Iraq is like a tricycle the first wheel is killing people but the other two wheels are the political stuff and training Iraqis and they are not going well

Russert: so what happens next dood

Powell: When the civil war resolves itself as all civil wars do solve themselves somehow it will be great victory for the U.S. even if the result is an America-hating Islamic dictatorship

Russert: you predicted a drawdown of troops dood you were so wrong

Powell: that’s true

Tim: why did you think that - yur supposed to be the military guy

Powell: None of the generals Bush consulted with wanted to send more troops and Baker-Hamilton said a surge should be only part of a withdrawal if at all -- so of course George W. Stupid did something completely different

Tim: wow he’s a quite a guy our president he sees that this is all about terrorism

Powell: oh please my momma didn’t raise no fool Al Qaeda is a small part of this - they are violent but really Iraq is in a civil war

Russert: does Bush really suck or what

Powell: Bush is just moving the deck chairs around on the Hindenberg

Tim: what happened in 2002

Powell: I supported invading Iraq for no reason

Tim: if you knew then what you know now would you invade

Powell: Iraq was a real threat to us because of their fictional weapons and saddam was cheating on the oil-for-food program and the Italians and Spanish and Aussies were gung-ho to invade hell everyone from Belusconi to Rafael Nadal to The Crocodile Hunter all said we had to go

Tim: so yes or no

Powell: no way I dood I’m a sellout but I’m not an idiot

Tim: why the fuck did you all think invading a Middle Eastern country would go well were you all stupid or what

Powell: no wait a minute that’s not fair dood we *did* know it would be really hard we just didn’t give a shit

Tim: that’s incredibly unbelievable

Powell: I never said “cakewalk”

Tim: jeebus you’re fucking kidding

Powell: remember how cool it was when that statue fell -– we were liberators for a moment

Tim: what the fuck does that mean

Powell: when we got there we were wearing our Liberator Caps then we put on our Occupier Hats then our Helmets of Destruction

Tim: its like the French Revolution without the fun times

Powell: we just didn’t have enough tropes

Tim: here’s your “I’m Not a Crook Moment” dood

[shows video of Powell that United Nations]

Powell: No I said Get Thee Behind Me Tenet he blessed all those lies

Tim: so you just trusted whatever Slam Dunk said

Powell: no no no I threw the shitty evidence by the side of the road it was like a mob hit

Tim: so was it real or was it all pack of lies

Powell: we had really persuasive evidence like cartoons of mobile biological labs

Russert: drawings dood are you fucking kidding me

Powell: Besides if the Oil for Food program collapsed then who among us would not think that Saddam would mobilize his army of sharks with laser beams?

Timmeh: aluminum tubes dood

Powell: there was a real debate over Big Scary Tubes so I said to the U.N. they were for a nuclear bomb so we should invade Iraq but in my defense I attached a Post-It note saying “this could be all be bullshit”

Tim: info on the mobile labs were taken out of on yur speech then it gets put back in whats up dood

Powell: beats the fuck out of me all I know is that it’s all the CIA’s fault

Tim: would you like some cheese with that whine

Powell: look I had no idea what was going on I was only a former general and secretary of state and they said let’s invade so I said ok

Tim: you are boggling my mind with this bullshit

Powell: only after the war it seemed like, hey this is the stupidest fucking idea in the history of the universe

Tim: it turns out the information was wrong and all lies

Powell: dood I am very irate that no one told me the sources were a bunch of liars

Tim: well why not asshole

Powell: I have no idea but I intend to write a very strongly worded letter of protest to the proper authorities at some time in the future after I calm down

Tim: you motherfucker we went to war over this!!!

Powell: Saddam’s Mustache of Destruction was going to kill us all!!!!

Tim: that’s completely crazy

Powell: ok its true and we were all wrong

Tim: are heads going to fucking roll or what

Powell: it’s all Bush’s fault I think the Democratic Congress should keel-haul all these motherfuckers

Tim: my god you’re all the most incredible morons

Powell: well I wish we had put 500,000 troops but bear in mind Bush was always looking and looking for the WMDs

Tim: wingnuts are saying the weapons are real and are hidden

Powell: give it up doods they’re not buried in the ground or in Syria

Tim: so we should never have invaded another country oops your bad

Powell: Saddam had a Get Out of Jail Card all he had to do was present his Massive Weapons of Death

Tim: so it was like Monopoly

Powell: yeah I was the wheelbarrow and Bush was the little hat

Tim: dood your wife sez Bush used and abused you

Powell: hey everywhere I went at cocktail parties neocons would laugh at me and say why didn’t you take Saddam out in 1991 and don’t forget we only had 5 days to make up our minds

Tim: did you want a war or not

Powell: I would prefer not to go to war but I also told Stupid dood as a loyal soldier I’m with you whatever dumb decision you make

Tim: you lied to the world – should you have quit in shame

Powell: no we just didn’t process and manage the lies properly

Tim: are we safer

Powell: not because of Iraq that has made us less safer

Tim: no shit christ this is appalling are you sure

Powell: we are stuck in the middle of a fucking civil war in the middle east surrounded by Iran and Syria does that sound good to you dood

Timster: Gitmo and torture

Powell: I would close Gitmo not tomorrow but this afternoon!

Rusert: but then they would get lawyers like Johnnie Cochran

Powell: so what - this may seem like a quaint notion but “the legal system” and “the rule of law” is not entirely evil

Tim: what an amazing thought

Powell: every tin-pot dictatorship now uses Gitmo to justify their evilness

Tm: should Portugal allow gays to serve

Powell: no we’re at war this is no time to improve troop effectiveness

Tim: do you hate gays

Powell: I sworn in a gay ambassador once and his gay lover was there

Tim: ok so what’s the problem

Powell: the military is different they tell you who to sleep with

Russert: wow I didn’t know that

Powell: yeah its true but what happens in foxholes stays in foxholes

Russert: barack obama is black and so are you

Powell: no really I never noticed

Tim Russert: will support you the Republican nominee in 2008

Powell: you must be fucking kidding

Tim: dood your reputation called it’s too late he’s moved on


Guest: Jeff Gerth and Don Van Natta

Russert: You say Bill and Hillary planned in 1959 they would each get 2 terms in the White House and then 3 terms for Chelsea but Taylor Branch is yur source and he sez that's ridiculous

Gerth: we have triple hearsay from a barbecue at a rodeo who said the aspens are turning - it's true that Taylor Branch never confirmed it and his our source but in our defense our source is a big liar

Tim: ok so the clintons are evil

Gerth: sure, when they were dating in their 20s they planned to turn Amerika over to the Communists

Van Natta: i punched Howard Wolfson in the stomach and this is how evil hillary is she didn't cooperate with our hatchet job

Tim: is yur wife a source

Gerth: no the New York Time Magazine supports our book

Tim: hillary admits she never read teh All-Powerful NIE!!!

Van Natta: yeah she should be shot

Tim: is your book fair

Van Natta: im going to shock you but I will say yes our book is fair

Gerth: she accused Bush of misusing his authority its terrible!!!

Van Natta: they only found one actionable lie in one short article from the New York Times

Tim: what's important in your book

Gerth: we discovered something amazing there are in fact 2 Hillarys – one is battle tested and does her homework and then we found she has a twin sister who lives in a shell under the sea - it's like a mix of the Little Mermaid and that tv show with Patty Duke

Van Natta: she is so evil she once misplaced paperwork for fellows working in her Senate Office

Tim Russert: OMG!!!!

Van Natta: She covered up Bill's affairs it's really terrible

Tim: Dallek sez this is a cheap hit piece

Gerth: we're trying to shine a light on hillary's dark corners

Tim: Yikes


Anonymous said...

This is sooooooooooooo great!
Do you prepare for your Sunday sessions in any special way? Extra buckwheat? Bloodier Mary's?


Candymarl said...

This is beyond awesome. You are a genius. Pure, satiric, comedy gold.

Bruce Fett said...

classic dood just classic

Unknown said...

You are so rood. It says in Echinaceans 14:3-5 that God will eat your young and then suck out your skeleton so that you cannot even make a fossil.