**********************************
Meet The Press
Guests:
Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson
Mayor Mike Bloomberg
September 21, 2008
**********************************
Tom Brokaw: thanks for coming Chancellor this is economy is worst thing since Rome fell to the barbarians
Henry Paulson: hey as a conservative i don't like bailouts but we have to do this
Brokaw: why
Paulson: crazy irresponsible businessmen drove cadillacs and were on financial crack and now they need welfare
Brokaw: mighty white of them
Paulson: it's very complex with tranches and risk and illiquid stuff
Brokaw: blah blah blah
Brokaw: Shelby says you are a crazy generous hair on fire dood
Paulson: do i look crazy to you?
Brokaw: frankly you look like a villain from a James Bond movie
Paulson: [ pets fluffy white cat ]
Brokaw: how much will this cost
Paulson: who can say - whatever my peeps at the Congressional Country Club need
Brokaw: oh ok
Paulson: when companies can't borrow money everyone suffers
Brokaw: I'm sure
Paulson: don't look at the Dow we need to look at getting people to borrow even more money!
Brokaw: is McCain a total idiot or a complete idiot?
Paulson: look we can make the American people work this debt off if we have to
Brokaw: should we appoint Bloomberg or Buffet to take over America?
Paulson: we are preventing failure
Brokaw: like hiring the iceberg to prevent more failure aboard the Titanic
Brokaw: Hank Greenberg says he can save AIG for a mere $20 billion
Paulson: oh is that all
Brokaw: Lehman sank but you bought AIG - why?
Paulson: AIG has better commercials
Brokaw: Hank Greenberg says he could have saved all by himself
Paulson: they were a few hours away from bankruptcy where was Hank then?
Brokaw: golf course?
Paulson: looks it's simple - AIG is too incompetent to fail
Brokaw: sounds like you're really looking after the taxpayer
Brokaw: the farmers can't get any money!
Paulson: that is why i need superpowers
Brokaw: like what - to fly or invisibility or what?
Paulson: the power to create money from nothing
Brokaw: now that's a cool power
Paulson: it pains me to ding the taxpayer but we need to dip in their pocket one more time -- but it was either than or my buddies lose the lease on their mercedes and the trickle down from that would be catastrophic
Brokaw: warble warble
[ Break ]
Brokaw: you are in a three way as rich mayor newsy guy
Mike Bloomberg: Paulson is awesome but there a two problems - one is fear
Brokaw: i'm terrified
Bloomberg: the other one is deserted homes are blighting nice neighborhoods - also american schools suck
[ break ]
Brokaw: can we please have a fail safe system
Bloomberg: no
Brokaw: why does our government always rush into stupid decisions?
Bloomberg: hey look risk is alot of fun but the real problem is the Republicans are fucking insane
Brokaw: i've noticed that
Bloomberg: we need one world government with one man to above all!
Brokaw: like who
Bloomberg: [ smiles modestly ]
Bloomberg: the problem is instant gratification
Brokaw: i moved to new york city from south dakota and i thought it was very scary
Bloomberg: don't worry about it - people will do without a few things but Yankee stadium will get built!
Brokaw: i'm relieved
Brokaw: Do you want a third term?
Bloomberg: i want to host Meet The Press
Brokaw: nice joke
Bloomberg: i'm not joking dude
[ hands him a $100 million check ]
Brokaw: you say we have a selfish 'i want it all and i want it now' culture
Bloomberg: we are all Veruca Salt now
Brokaw: will you save America
Bloomberg: in all modesty sure why not - i would deign to do that
Brokaw: is America fucked
Bloomberg: well we have a great work ethic and democracy and we fight but that makes us strong
Brokaw: fucked - yes or no?
Bloomberg: oh yeah definitely we're absolutely fucked
Brokaw: are we all socialists now?
Bloomberg: no one knows what the hell these crazy-ass companies do except that they have us by the short hairs
Brokaw: things were great for a while
Bloomberg: what goes up must comes down
Brokaw: what lesson can we learn
Bloomberg: dems have to learn that business is good and Republicans must learn that having gold plated showers borrowed from poor people looks bad
Brokaw: indeed platinum is good enough
Bloomberg: we're being passed in good government by Lethoso and Haiti
Brokaw: but the lipstick!
Bloomberg: uh huh
Brokaw: bailouts good or bad?
Bloomberg: i was pleased that bear stearns and lehman were crushed like the devils they are
Brokaw: you worked at Lehman
Bloomberg: no no Solomon Bros - crush the enemy!
Brokaw: who's to blame?
Bloomberg: all of us who got free mortgages
Brokaw: yes all us
Bloomberg: we all got carried away - c'est la vie
Brokaw: McCain says he is the change guy
Bloomberg: oh sure he is
Brokaw: what do the candidates have to do
Bloomberg: solve problems that can't be solved
Brokaw: and bowl
Bloomberg: i said hey ‘Barack dood American is failing why the hell do you want this thanksless job’??
Brokaw: bailout GM?
Bloomberg: we should not bailout industries and instead bailout people
Brokaw: paying taxes is patriotic?
Bloomberg: as a rich man i hate taxes but as a mayor i like them
Brokaw: who will you be voting for in the election?
Bloomberg: ah but I represent New York City so i want someone who gets urban problems
Brokaw: so either the liberal black city community organizer who went to Columbia or the right wing wizened old man from Arizona
Bloomberg: you can see why I can't make up my mind
[ break ]
Burnett: Paulson wants a bailout and Dems want to help people
Liesman: the US government is buying real estate with NO MONEY DOWN!
Brokaw: that sounds great
Liesman: they are just going to hand wall street guys $100 million cash and say "go play!"
Brokaw: is there any downside to this?
Liesman: no hire a crook to manage the money stolen by a crook
Brokaw: the crooks are getting rich!
Pearlstein: sure they took ten million dollars for failing but the economy is worth trillions
Brokaw: so the thieves get away with it?
Pearlstein: let's not bicker about who stole what
Brokaw: you're kidding
Pearlstein: everyone was doing it and we are as much to blame as the crooks
Brokaw: they risked nothing
Pearlstein: the grown-ups weren't around
Liesman: no one could have anticipated that slick MBAs would be unethical weasels
Pearlstein: the real economy could suffer due to the bad fake economy
Liesman: this is a banner day for socialism
Brokaw: [ sings Internationale ]
Burnett: beautiful financial anchors will do well in the new economy
Brokaw: we can all agree Obama and McCain did not solve this problem this week and that's bad
Liesman: who cares about them - i care about my money
Burnett: we need a king - preferably one old white guy based in Washington DC
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show - September 21, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show
September 21, 2008
Matthews: it’s the Stupid, Economy!
Stengel: bad for McCain he’s Repubican
Bumiller: McCain flipped but not flopped
Woodward: no one really understands the economy except Warren Buffet - after all he’s got a lot of money
Norah, Biker Chick: McCain had a bad week in spite of the news he invented the computer
Matthews: Obama is not a smart commander in chief like Bush
Woodward: amazingly, wishful thinking will not win the war
Matthews: wow!
Woodward: there may be casualties in Iraq and then it will be Obama’s war
Matthews: oh no so sad
Woodward: Bush aims to not be a total sucky failure
Bumiller: McCain and Obama have the same plan in Iraq - McCain always wanted to pull out
Tweety: tell me about the debates!
Biker chick: Obama should call McCain crazy
Tweety: he should ‘gig’ him
Bumiller: I swear Chris you are a Dr. Suess character come to life
Woodward: McCain lives in his own little world
Bumiller: he's very angry
Stengel: McCain's got to be strong and not an asshole
Tweety: that's tough
Stengel: Obama has to use the debate to prove he's a good solider - like maybe strangle charlie gibson with his bare hands
Bumiller: a lot of people would like that
Tweety: who won the week?
Noron: Obama did - who knows why!?
Woodward: i think these debates could be important
Tweety: oh wow!
Stegnel: lipstick season is over - the media is going to get serious - this time we mean it!!!!!
Tweety: Nixon prepared for his debate by taking sweating polls and Reagan had a good liner and Gore sighed a lot hah!
Stengel: McCain is sharp and Obama is professorial which is very very bad
Bumiller: this debate will be like West Side Story - i assume the brown skinned guy and the white guy will stab each other
Woodward: remember in an Empire the soldiers have the final say in the election
Noron: Obama has to get 20 years experience by Friday
Stengel: McCain was a POW which doesn't help much to rescue Wall Street
Woodward: no no he is the commander in chief which means he know how to fix credit default swaps
Tweety: i love it! this is not at all how we got into this problem in the first place! ha!
Tweety: Palin peaked!
Noron: she energizes the crazies everyone else thinks she's nuts
Woodward: the unwashed masses like her
Bumiller: she's dumb and he's nasty so they must campaign together
Stengel: she helps with women who hunt large animals on the weekend
September 21, 2008
Matthews: it’s the Stupid, Economy!
Stengel: bad for McCain he’s Repubican
Bumiller: McCain flipped but not flopped
Woodward: no one really understands the economy except Warren Buffet - after all he’s got a lot of money
Norah, Biker Chick: McCain had a bad week in spite of the news he invented the computer
Matthews: Obama is not a smart commander in chief like Bush
Woodward: amazingly, wishful thinking will not win the war
Matthews: wow!
Woodward: there may be casualties in Iraq and then it will be Obama’s war
Matthews: oh no so sad
Woodward: Bush aims to not be a total sucky failure
Bumiller: McCain and Obama have the same plan in Iraq - McCain always wanted to pull out
Tweety: tell me about the debates!
Biker chick: Obama should call McCain crazy
Tweety: he should ‘gig’ him
Bumiller: I swear Chris you are a Dr. Suess character come to life
Woodward: McCain lives in his own little world
Bumiller: he's very angry
Stengel: McCain's got to be strong and not an asshole
Tweety: that's tough
Stengel: Obama has to use the debate to prove he's a good solider - like maybe strangle charlie gibson with his bare hands
Bumiller: a lot of people would like that
Tweety: who won the week?
Noron: Obama did - who knows why!?
Woodward: i think these debates could be important
Tweety: oh wow!
Stegnel: lipstick season is over - the media is going to get serious - this time we mean it!!!!!
Tweety: Nixon prepared for his debate by taking sweating polls and Reagan had a good liner and Gore sighed a lot hah!
Stengel: McCain is sharp and Obama is professorial which is very very bad
Bumiller: this debate will be like West Side Story - i assume the brown skinned guy and the white guy will stab each other
Woodward: remember in an Empire the soldiers have the final say in the election
Noron: Obama has to get 20 years experience by Friday
Stengel: McCain was a POW which doesn't help much to rescue Wall Street
Woodward: no no he is the commander in chief which means he know how to fix credit default swaps
Tweety: i love it! this is not at all how we got into this problem in the first place! ha!
Tweety: Palin peaked!
Noron: she energizes the crazies everyone else thinks she's nuts
Woodward: the unwashed masses like her
Bumiller: she's dumb and he's nasty so they must campaign together
Stengel: she helps with women who hunt large animals on the weekend
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Meet The Press with Chuck Schumer, Rudy Giuliani, & Bob Woodward
**************************
Meet The Press
September 14, 2008
Guests:
Sen. Chuck Schumer
Mayor Rudy Giuliani
Bob Woodward
***************************
Tom Brokaw: Chuck this race is very exciting it's like the Kentucky Derby except the loser doesn’t die at the end
Chuck Schumer: looking at McCain I wouldn't be too sure about that
Brokaw: polls say Obama isn't ready to lead in a dangerous world
Schumer: nice of you to show the only 2 questions that benefit McCain
Brokaw: warble warble
Schumer: the big question is who can put meat and potatoes on the table
Brokaw: McCain leads among white women and the elderly and rural people
Schumer: so what
Brokaw: Obama’s lost Georgia O'Keefe
Schumer: change is our strong suit
Brokaw: Obama may not win north dakota
Schumer: one less inbred ice bound hick
Brokaw: Obama has a very scary background
Schumer: McCain is just like george bush on the economy and foreign policy - other than that things are great
Brokaw: but he got a big bounce from his convention
Schumer: well he could hardly go down
Brokaw: dude don't you always pick the most qualified candidate for vp
Schumer: yeah that certainly explains picking sarah palin
Brokaw: can hillary win the most important group of all - reagan democrats ??
Schumer: hey Palin is totally corrupt - she ordered all alaksa employees not to talk investigators - that's not change and reform you can believe in
Brokaw: you wanted Obama to get more aggressive - well look at this
Schumer: to his credit he's a nice young man but it's time to break out the baseball bats Brooklyn style
Brokaw: Obama is taking money from your Jewish friends
Schumer: speaking of money would care to wager a $1,000 on Obama/Biden
Brokaw: gotta go!
[ break ]
Brokaw: McCain said he would run a respectful campaign with no negative stuff
Giuliani: sure he's a POW
Brokaw: so Obama wants kindergarteners to learn to have sex?
Rudy: yeah!
Brokaw: ithat ad is a big fat lie
Giuliani: it was a horrific sex oriented muslim black ghetto bill - although maybe the ad did go too far
Brokaw: oh sure so why lie?
Giuliani: McCain has to lie about Obama because Obama won't engage in town hall debates
Brokaw: and if he does will you stop lying
Giuliani: ha you must be kidding Tom
Giuliani: he's a fucking black ghetto community organizer
Brokaw: his first job out of college was to help people who lost their jobs when a steel mill closed
Giuliani: they were probably black muslims
Brokaw: Jesus was a community organizer
Giuliani: there are all kinds of questions about saul alinsky and his marxism
Brokaw: what's so bad about that
Giuliani: he wants to deprive the federal government of revenue
Brokaw: oh no wait til grover norquist finds out
Brokaw: Warren Buffert isn't a marxist
Giuliani: well Obama is very sneaky he tricks people by trying to appear normal
Brokaw: is there a secret racist vote?
Giuliani: i speak for John McCain and he doesn't want any votes from anyone
Brokaw: today we light the last candle in High Holy Happy 9/11 Week
Rudy: amen and pass the ammunition
Brokaw: is linsday graham gay?
Giuliani: well look there are degrees of sexuality - i mean i like to dress like a woman
Brokaw: interesting
Giuliani: Obama voted for failure!
Brokaw: no he voted against George Bush
Giuliani: at least John McCain gave us a change to pretend we're winning
Brokaw: that’s very cosmopolitan
Giuliani: look John McCain was against the war all along
Brokaw: he's a Bush supporter!
Giuliani: oh all this idea that McCain is like Bush is wearing thin
Brokaw: I'm sure it is
Brokaw: does Palin really know more about energy than anyone else in America
Giuliani: hey she can see a gas station from her house!
Giuliani: no alaska is entirely run by black muslim russian Obama supporters
Brokaw: oh of course it is
Giuliani: i got nothin dude
[ break ]
Brokaw: According to your book Bush is completely detached moron
Woodward: and those are his good qualities
Brokaw: well the White House says your book is true but not entirely for instance bush drinks scotch not whiskey
Woodward: even when Bush is engaged he is lying to the american people
Brokaw: but Stephen Hadley said Bush has a unique insight in the region of the middle east
Woodward: yeah Hadley is one of the great amateur comedians of our time
Brokaw: sounds like bush is fighting for what he believes in
Woodward: well he believes in lying to get reelected in 2004 even more apparently
Brokaw: did Bush listen to Generals Casey and Abizaid
Woodward: oh no he dinnit
Woodward: i asked bush if he asked them about reality on the ground
Brokaw: and what he did say
Woodward: he said he'd been drinking heavily that day and couldn't remember
Brokaw: Bush does end-runs around his own Defense dept!
Woodward: it's really bizarre
Brokaw: Petraeus won't say we can achieve victory - why does he hate America??
Woodward: Iraq always has surprises - it is the gift that keeps on giving
Brokaw: what will Stupid tell President Obama?
Woodward: 'don't let Iraq fail like i have'
[ break ]
Brokaw: tell me about Iraq c-Todd
Chuck Todd: both nominees are all about Iraq but then again we also have a disaster in the economy so there is that
Brokaw: sounds like we must elect Republicans
Todd: of course
Brokaw: what do women want?
Todd: Ferraro gave a huge bump
Brokaw: wow without her Mondale might have lost 51 states
Todd: indeed
Brokaw: Palin Bubble?
Todd: she might be Amazon or the Pets.com sock puppet
Brokaw: who wins in 2008 election?
Todd: the states are cementing into place except for wisconsin or the West
Brokaw: so Obama wins?
Todd: no he can win the whole west and lose Wisconsin or Michigan and he's screwed
Brokaw: so who win Michigan?
Todd: they say they hate the direction of the country, the economy, the war, and will vote for Dems
Brokaw: ok then
Todd: except for Obama
Brokaw: hmm i wonder why
Todd: too articulate
Meet The Press
September 14, 2008
Guests:
Sen. Chuck Schumer
Mayor Rudy Giuliani
Bob Woodward
***************************
Tom Brokaw: Chuck this race is very exciting it's like the Kentucky Derby except the loser doesn’t die at the end
Chuck Schumer: looking at McCain I wouldn't be too sure about that
Brokaw: polls say Obama isn't ready to lead in a dangerous world
Schumer: nice of you to show the only 2 questions that benefit McCain
Brokaw: warble warble
Schumer: the big question is who can put meat and potatoes on the table
Brokaw: McCain leads among white women and the elderly and rural people
Schumer: so what
Brokaw: Obama’s lost Georgia O'Keefe
Schumer: change is our strong suit
Brokaw: Obama may not win north dakota
Schumer: one less inbred ice bound hick
Brokaw: Obama has a very scary background
Schumer: McCain is just like george bush on the economy and foreign policy - other than that things are great
Brokaw: but he got a big bounce from his convention
Schumer: well he could hardly go down
Brokaw: dude don't you always pick the most qualified candidate for vp
Schumer: yeah that certainly explains picking sarah palin
Brokaw: can hillary win the most important group of all - reagan democrats ??
Schumer: hey Palin is totally corrupt - she ordered all alaksa employees not to talk investigators - that's not change and reform you can believe in
Brokaw: you wanted Obama to get more aggressive - well look at this
Schumer: to his credit he's a nice young man but it's time to break out the baseball bats Brooklyn style
Brokaw: Obama is taking money from your Jewish friends
Schumer: speaking of money would care to wager a $1,000 on Obama/Biden
Brokaw: gotta go!
[ break ]
Brokaw: McCain said he would run a respectful campaign with no negative stuff
Giuliani: sure he's a POW
Brokaw: so Obama wants kindergarteners to learn to have sex?
Rudy: yeah!
Brokaw: ithat ad is a big fat lie
Giuliani: it was a horrific sex oriented muslim black ghetto bill - although maybe the ad did go too far
Brokaw: oh sure so why lie?
Giuliani: McCain has to lie about Obama because Obama won't engage in town hall debates
Brokaw: and if he does will you stop lying
Giuliani: ha you must be kidding Tom
Giuliani: he's a fucking black ghetto community organizer
Brokaw: his first job out of college was to help people who lost their jobs when a steel mill closed
Giuliani: they were probably black muslims
Brokaw: Jesus was a community organizer
Giuliani: there are all kinds of questions about saul alinsky and his marxism
Brokaw: what's so bad about that
Giuliani: he wants to deprive the federal government of revenue
Brokaw: oh no wait til grover norquist finds out
Brokaw: Warren Buffert isn't a marxist
Giuliani: well Obama is very sneaky he tricks people by trying to appear normal
Brokaw: is there a secret racist vote?
Giuliani: i speak for John McCain and he doesn't want any votes from anyone
Brokaw: today we light the last candle in High Holy Happy 9/11 Week
Rudy: amen and pass the ammunition
Brokaw: is linsday graham gay?
Giuliani: well look there are degrees of sexuality - i mean i like to dress like a woman
Brokaw: interesting
Giuliani: Obama voted for failure!
Brokaw: no he voted against George Bush
Giuliani: at least John McCain gave us a change to pretend we're winning
Brokaw: that’s very cosmopolitan
Giuliani: look John McCain was against the war all along
Brokaw: he's a Bush supporter!
Giuliani: oh all this idea that McCain is like Bush is wearing thin
Brokaw: I'm sure it is
Brokaw: does Palin really know more about energy than anyone else in America
Giuliani: hey she can see a gas station from her house!
Giuliani: no alaska is entirely run by black muslim russian Obama supporters
Brokaw: oh of course it is
Giuliani: i got nothin dude
[ break ]
Brokaw: According to your book Bush is completely detached moron
Woodward: and those are his good qualities
Brokaw: well the White House says your book is true but not entirely for instance bush drinks scotch not whiskey
Woodward: even when Bush is engaged he is lying to the american people
Brokaw: but Stephen Hadley said Bush has a unique insight in the region of the middle east
Woodward: yeah Hadley is one of the great amateur comedians of our time
Brokaw: sounds like bush is fighting for what he believes in
Woodward: well he believes in lying to get reelected in 2004 even more apparently
Brokaw: did Bush listen to Generals Casey and Abizaid
Woodward: oh no he dinnit
Woodward: i asked bush if he asked them about reality on the ground
Brokaw: and what he did say
Woodward: he said he'd been drinking heavily that day and couldn't remember
Brokaw: Bush does end-runs around his own Defense dept!
Woodward: it's really bizarre
Brokaw: Petraeus won't say we can achieve victory - why does he hate America??
Woodward: Iraq always has surprises - it is the gift that keeps on giving
Brokaw: what will Stupid tell President Obama?
Woodward: 'don't let Iraq fail like i have'
[ break ]
Brokaw: tell me about Iraq c-Todd
Chuck Todd: both nominees are all about Iraq but then again we also have a disaster in the economy so there is that
Brokaw: sounds like we must elect Republicans
Todd: of course
Brokaw: what do women want?
Todd: Ferraro gave a huge bump
Brokaw: wow without her Mondale might have lost 51 states
Todd: indeed
Brokaw: Palin Bubble?
Todd: she might be Amazon or the Pets.com sock puppet
Brokaw: who wins in 2008 election?
Todd: the states are cementing into place except for wisconsin or the West
Brokaw: so Obama wins?
Todd: no he can win the whole west and lose Wisconsin or Michigan and he's screwed
Brokaw: so who win Michigan?
Todd: they say they hate the direction of the country, the economy, the war, and will vote for Dems
Brokaw: ok then
Todd: except for Obama
Brokaw: hmm i wonder why
Todd: too articulate
The Chris Matthews Show - September 14, 2008
****************************
The Chris Matthews Show
September 14, 2008
****************************
Chris Matthews: how did Palin do?
Whitaker: she crammed for that exam and it was awesome!
Katty Kay: she repeated lines over and over and I think Palin supporters will be very impressed
Pat Healy: it's like you cloned Bush and gave him another X chromosome!
Matthews: we can all agree that you can't be seen as going after a woman
Cynthia Tucker: i hate Joe Biden for rolling his eyes at this stupid woman
Whitaker: the GOP always knew or at least hope this would be a close election
Tweety: Obama is black and he can't fight back or he will be Malcolm X all over again
Tucker: Obama is at a disadvantage because he has scruples and McCain does not
Tweety: good point
Tweety: Elvis and Otis Redding had lunch together this week
Healy: Bill told Barack to show some passion
Tweety: how do you know that
Healy: my magic pundit hat
Tweety: wow
Kay: when obama complains about trivialization of the media it sounds like whining
Kay: Obama had a bad -- week Fannie Mae collapsed, Iraq is failing, Afghanistan is in chaos, and we are talking about lipstick and pig
Tweety: how did that happen
Kay: it's like magic
Tucker: somehow McCain magically sets the agenda - its amazing
Kay: working women in America realize that raising 5 kids takes some time and efforts but VP doesn't
Tucker: no one would ever ask a man that question so i say go sarah palin - although it's a double edge sword cause now all bosses will say hey if Palin can do it all so can you
Tweety: speak for hillary Patrick - go!
Healy: Hillary’s fans were hard core autograph seekers whereas Palin gets solid working people
Tweety: c'mon she's going to have a big staff like me
Whitaker: tough men love Palin
Kay: is Todd a real man?
Tweety: wait til he snowmobiles down Pennsylvania avenue i may have an orgasm just thinking about it!!
Kay: Obama is terrified of talking about race or else people will realize he's black
Whitaker: 4 million people in foreclosure - let's talk about pigs & lipstick
Tucker: Palin raised taxes
Healy: a lot of concern trolls are very concerned
Tweety: Rocky III!! Eye of the Tiger!!
Obama: McCain should stop lying
McCain: i had to lie because Obama wouldn't have town hall meetings with me
Matthews: who wins their debates
Kay: Obama - he’s better looking than McCain
Whitaker: McCain has raised expectations too high - people actually expect him to stay awake through the whole debate
Tucker: Obama has to learn to be strong and wrong
Healy: Palin has been like a shot of penicillin in the arm for Republicans
The Chris Matthews Show
September 14, 2008
****************************
Chris Matthews: how did Palin do?
Whitaker: she crammed for that exam and it was awesome!
Katty Kay: she repeated lines over and over and I think Palin supporters will be very impressed
Pat Healy: it's like you cloned Bush and gave him another X chromosome!
Matthews: we can all agree that you can't be seen as going after a woman
Cynthia Tucker: i hate Joe Biden for rolling his eyes at this stupid woman
Whitaker: the GOP always knew or at least hope this would be a close election
Tweety: Obama is black and he can't fight back or he will be Malcolm X all over again
Tucker: Obama is at a disadvantage because he has scruples and McCain does not
Tweety: good point
Tweety: Elvis and Otis Redding had lunch together this week
Healy: Bill told Barack to show some passion
Tweety: how do you know that
Healy: my magic pundit hat
Tweety: wow
Kay: when obama complains about trivialization of the media it sounds like whining
Kay: Obama had a bad -- week Fannie Mae collapsed, Iraq is failing, Afghanistan is in chaos, and we are talking about lipstick and pig
Tweety: how did that happen
Kay: it's like magic
Tucker: somehow McCain magically sets the agenda - its amazing
Kay: working women in America realize that raising 5 kids takes some time and efforts but VP doesn't
Tucker: no one would ever ask a man that question so i say go sarah palin - although it's a double edge sword cause now all bosses will say hey if Palin can do it all so can you
Tweety: speak for hillary Patrick - go!
Healy: Hillary’s fans were hard core autograph seekers whereas Palin gets solid working people
Tweety: c'mon she's going to have a big staff like me
Whitaker: tough men love Palin
Kay: is Todd a real man?
Tweety: wait til he snowmobiles down Pennsylvania avenue i may have an orgasm just thinking about it!!
Kay: Obama is terrified of talking about race or else people will realize he's black
Whitaker: 4 million people in foreclosure - let's talk about pigs & lipstick
Tucker: Palin raised taxes
Healy: a lot of concern trolls are very concerned
Tweety: Rocky III!! Eye of the Tiger!!
Obama: McCain should stop lying
McCain: i had to lie because Obama wouldn't have town hall meetings with me
Matthews: who wins their debates
Kay: Obama - he’s better looking than McCain
Whitaker: McCain has raised expectations too high - people actually expect him to stay awake through the whole debate
Tucker: Obama has to learn to be strong and wrong
Healy: Palin has been like a shot of penicillin in the arm for Republicans
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Service Forum with John McCain and Barack Obama
**************************
Service Forum
September 11, 2008
Hosts:
Judy Woodruff
Rick Stengel
Guests:
Senator John McCain
Senator Barack Obama
***************************
Woodruff: how can we make sure we celebrate 9/11 every year right?
McCain: by uttering a string of banal cliches in a weak and feeble voice on national television
Stengel: what would you have done after 9/11 differently from President Stupid?
McCain: i would have proposed neighborhood watch programs to guard nuclear power plants and expanded the military
Stengel: but Stupid did expand the military
McCain: look americans are better than other people and we showed it after 9/11 by bringing democracy to the little brown countries
Woodruff: should we force people to serve?
McCain: oh no! we should underfund the ones we have that way we can always claim they are oversubscribed
Woodruff: why are the American people so eager to serve?
McCain: they are inspired to attack Russia over south ossetia
Stengel: why is Obama always bashing congress?
McCain: because Congress is so terrible they're lazy and greedy
Woodruff: but you've been in Congress for 55 years
McCain: no i fought Congress but Congress won - also i shot the sherriff and his deputy
Stengel: what are the lessons from hurricane katrina?
McCain: the private sector should take the lead FedEx or Target should have been in charge of relief efforts instead of people always relying on big borther
Stengel: what else
McCain: christian churches should build all over levees or at least pray for the hurricanes to hit the bad people
Woodruff: why is it only the rich people like me who volunteer their time
McCain: i've found that isn't true but in any case i hope businesses would give employees to take time off do work for Jimmy Carter
Stengel: what about business giving paid leave for volunteer work
McCain: i would praise them and then give them a tax break to go overseas
Stengel: you and everyone in your family served in the military
McCain: no i never talk about that
Stengel: ok let's move on
McCain: wait let me tell a 30 minute story on my incredible heroism
Woodruff: why are all the troops poor and black?
McCain: hey baby it was worse during the draft
Woodruff: what a relief
McCain: look the reason they're all black is because the military is just too small it's a wonder we haven't been invaded by Luxembourg yet
Woodruff: so we have a teeny tiny army
McCain: yes the answer is to let ivy league colleges let the ROTC recruit for officers on campus among the brave keyboarders
Woodruff: but you know why they don't it's cause the military hates gays - which incidentally could increase the size of the army-
Stengel: whoa! time for a commercial break - don't answer that General McCain
Stengel: you authored a great bill which i won't explain
McCain: [ grins creepily ]
Stengel: so why not have mandatory military service
McCain: whoa dude people are afraid of me enough if they think i'm in favor of the draft the GOP will lose a whole generation
Stengel: fair enough old man
Woodruff: Obama's plan would cost a whopping $3 billion!
McCain: yes it's crazy - let’s have the private sector handle service
Stengel: would ask Senator Obama being your Secretary of Motivatin' Teh Youngsters?
McCain: oh sure but why get the government involved do you know the Bush cabinet never meets?
Stengel: so sad
Woodruff: Sarah Palin dissed community service
McCain: look she had to do that because Obama won't go to all my little town halls
Woodruff: i'm confused
McCain: hey she was defending herself from the vicious sexist attacks on her epic Mayorship of wacka-wacka
Stengel: will you triple AmeriCorps
McCain: yes
[ applause ]
McCain: i love ted kennedy if he can recover so can i
McCain: but dammit let's make sure we encourage volunteerism with bland cheap banalities without doing anything about
Woodrufff: only on CNN folks
Woodruff: what can teh elderly or in your case the superelderly do
McCain: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Woodruff: JOHN!!!
McCain: what? Huh?
Woodruff: this glowing grammaphone hath transmitted a message
McCain: let's face it America sucks - i know that - why don't you think i don't know that?
Woodruff: you're a fucking ray of sunshine
McCain: did i mention i want a war with russia?
Woodruff: why aren't you raving at a tv in a nursing home
McCain: grrr arrr matlock!!!
Stengel: will you give every PhD a green card
McCain: um, what?
Woodruff: we all know this is Happy 9/11 Day - but what makes us superior to Canadians or Mexicans?!
McCain: well the founding fathers thought so - we are the ONLY country that believes in human rights or god -- look at what we did after WWII
Woodruff: Glory Days!
McCain: we are more generous than other nations
Woodruff: you make me feel warm inside but do you have proof of that?
McCain: yes look at our friendship with Britain
Woodruff: exactly
Stengel: why are parties and partisanship so evil?
McCain: oh that is so so so sad - i've said repeatedly that America-hating anti-female muslim nigger is good kid
Stengel: i can't understand why that boy can't accept your friendship
Stengel: OMG! By 2042 the white will be gone how can we stop this!?!
McCain: Look we've had wave after wave of slaves come to america seeking freedom
Stengel: amen
McCain: look casey it's sad but we need all those Mexicans to fight our wars
Stengel: demmit it makes me mad
[ obama walks on stage ]
[ college crowd goes WILD ]
Woodruff: OMG run for your lives!!!
Stengel: what does Christmas mean to you
Obama: birth of christ
Stengel: sorry I meant 9/11
Obama: easy mistake
Casey: sure
Obama: it's a reminder of the spirit of togetherness when dick armey sang with barbara mikulski
[ audience shudders ]
Obama: how do we recreate that
Stengel: remake of South Pacific?
Obama: Hey Stupid did all the right things - he rallied the nation and got Osama
Woodruff: he did?
Obama: but then he should have admitted it was all about oil and had a bold new plan of installing those curly light bulbs in every dorm in America
[ YAYY! ]
Obama: i would have told people we all have to be at war
Stengel: we all know Americans are the laziest fucks around hell they can't be bothered to vote
Obama: that what makes America great - we believe in utter selfishness not only for ourselves but for our neighbors too
Stengel: what else
Obama: we think long term
Stengel: sorry which country are you talking about?
Woodruff: specfics pleez
Obama: i would appoint Ted Kennedy and Orrin Hatch in charge of scaring kids in high school into service - if they volunteer i would promise not to send them to their schools
Woodruff: brilliant!
Stengel: you are in fact in favor of national service and you are black
Obama: i know
Stengel: but how are you going to crush the unions?
Obama: hey the unions are all about coming together they love that
Stengel: but the teachers are tough
Obama: Dood. So. Am. I
Woodruff: McStupid seems kind of out of it - he didn't realize poor people are too busy waiting in line at the soup kitchen to volunteer at the soup kitchen
Obama: hey i can dig it - i graduated from Columbia and it was harder to find a community service job than it was to work on Wall Street
Judy: how odd
Obama: and then you can go to college for a little service
Judy: well ok
Stengel: but Newt Gingrich said the blacks took all the good service jobs so the government has to suck ass!!
Obama: that's just an excuse to give massive tax cuts to the rich
Stengel: what's wrong with that
Obama: FEMA should fucking work
Woodruff: so if i hear right John McCain is heartless bastard and your are a tax raising socialist
Obama: that sums it up - now make your choice America
Woodruff: how can we make our military bigger so we invade Russia?
Obama: oh yeah we need a bigger army - you know my white grandfather fought with Patton
Woodruff: i didn't know there were negroes in the army in those days
Obama: let's be honest small rural towns are fighting our wars and not the rich kids
Stengel: right places like Columbia hate America they invited Adolf Ahmedinejad but not the Uncle Sam
Obama: damm right
[ waves tiny flag ]
Woodruff: so what else
Obama: we need people who speak other languages and agricultural specialists in Afghanistan
Woodruff: like who
Obama: people who know how to grow quality weed like purple kush
Stengel: is there any reason people should the Empire more in war than in peace?
Obama: [ reaches for drink ]
holy shit they're serving kool aid
Woodruff: can we give military benefits to kids in AmeriCorps
Obama: well look with all due respect to young teachers soldiers are risking life and limb - we can only afford right now to give them electrified showers and roach-infested hospitals
Woodruff: well sure
Woodruff: will you have McCain in your cabinet
Obama: yeah i like gramps story he's inspired a generation of kids to get shot down and be a POW
Woodruff: big dreams
Obama: i met a big shot lawyer who quit his job to create a post traumatic stress group in Montana
Woodruff: it's so wonderful that a state with so few people has such a need
Stengel: following the Doctrine of False Equivalency did Democrats insult mayors like Palin did to community organizers
Obama: no
Stengel: would like to expand on that
Obama: you're a dick
Stengel: well i never hear that at teh country club
Judy: you're so mean and partisan
Obama: hey whitey Bush put a fucking horse expert in charge of FEMA and thousands died
Judy: now hold on we don't know that
Obama: cause no one bothered to count
Judy: hey one POW is tragedy, thousands death in the bayou is a statistic
Stengel: de cocqueville said America was deeply weird and special
Obama: we are both selfish and idealistic and under Republicans we have veered toward the selfish
Stengel: well that's America nothing you can do
Obama: no in my campaign as in the army we give young people big jobs
Stengel: are they [ whispers ] black??
Obama: they're whoppin’ green screen's ass
Stengel: following the Doctrine of False Equivalency did Democrats
insult mayors like Palin did to community organizers
Obama: Kennedy and Clinton inspired people
Woodruff: name a good Republican
Obama: ok teddy roosevelt
Stengel: ow that's cheating
Woodruff: thanks for coming handsome
Service Forum
September 11, 2008
Hosts:
Judy Woodruff
Rick Stengel
Guests:
Senator John McCain
Senator Barack Obama
***************************
Woodruff: how can we make sure we celebrate 9/11 every year right?
McCain: by uttering a string of banal cliches in a weak and feeble voice on national television
Stengel: what would you have done after 9/11 differently from President Stupid?
McCain: i would have proposed neighborhood watch programs to guard nuclear power plants and expanded the military
Stengel: but Stupid did expand the military
McCain: look americans are better than other people and we showed it after 9/11 by bringing democracy to the little brown countries
Woodruff: should we force people to serve?
McCain: oh no! we should underfund the ones we have that way we can always claim they are oversubscribed
Woodruff: why are the American people so eager to serve?
McCain: they are inspired to attack Russia over south ossetia
Stengel: why is Obama always bashing congress?
McCain: because Congress is so terrible they're lazy and greedy
Woodruff: but you've been in Congress for 55 years
McCain: no i fought Congress but Congress won - also i shot the sherriff and his deputy
Stengel: what are the lessons from hurricane katrina?
McCain: the private sector should take the lead FedEx or Target should have been in charge of relief efforts instead of people always relying on big borther
Stengel: what else
McCain: christian churches should build all over levees or at least pray for the hurricanes to hit the bad people
Woodruff: why is it only the rich people like me who volunteer their time
McCain: i've found that isn't true but in any case i hope businesses would give employees to take time off do work for Jimmy Carter
Stengel: what about business giving paid leave for volunteer work
McCain: i would praise them and then give them a tax break to go overseas
Stengel: you and everyone in your family served in the military
McCain: no i never talk about that
Stengel: ok let's move on
McCain: wait let me tell a 30 minute story on my incredible heroism
Woodruff: why are all the troops poor and black?
McCain: hey baby it was worse during the draft
Woodruff: what a relief
McCain: look the reason they're all black is because the military is just too small it's a wonder we haven't been invaded by Luxembourg yet
Woodruff: so we have a teeny tiny army
McCain: yes the answer is to let ivy league colleges let the ROTC recruit for officers on campus among the brave keyboarders
Woodruff: but you know why they don't it's cause the military hates gays - which incidentally could increase the size of the army-
Stengel: whoa! time for a commercial break - don't answer that General McCain
Stengel: you authored a great bill which i won't explain
McCain: [ grins creepily ]
Stengel: so why not have mandatory military service
McCain: whoa dude people are afraid of me enough if they think i'm in favor of the draft the GOP will lose a whole generation
Stengel: fair enough old man
Woodruff: Obama's plan would cost a whopping $3 billion!
McCain: yes it's crazy - let’s have the private sector handle service
Stengel: would ask Senator Obama being your Secretary of Motivatin' Teh Youngsters?
McCain: oh sure but why get the government involved do you know the Bush cabinet never meets?
Stengel: so sad
Woodruff: Sarah Palin dissed community service
McCain: look she had to do that because Obama won't go to all my little town halls
Woodruff: i'm confused
McCain: hey she was defending herself from the vicious sexist attacks on her epic Mayorship of wacka-wacka
Stengel: will you triple AmeriCorps
McCain: yes
[ applause ]
McCain: i love ted kennedy if he can recover so can i
McCain: but dammit let's make sure we encourage volunteerism with bland cheap banalities without doing anything about
Woodrufff: only on CNN folks
Woodruff: what can teh elderly or in your case the superelderly do
McCain: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Woodruff: JOHN!!!
McCain: what? Huh?
Woodruff: this glowing grammaphone hath transmitted a message
McCain: let's face it America sucks - i know that - why don't you think i don't know that?
Woodruff: you're a fucking ray of sunshine
McCain: did i mention i want a war with russia?
Woodruff: why aren't you raving at a tv in a nursing home
McCain: grrr arrr matlock!!!
Stengel: will you give every PhD a green card
McCain: um, what?
Woodruff: we all know this is Happy 9/11 Day - but what makes us superior to Canadians or Mexicans?!
McCain: well the founding fathers thought so - we are the ONLY country that believes in human rights or god -- look at what we did after WWII
Woodruff: Glory Days!
McCain: we are more generous than other nations
Woodruff: you make me feel warm inside but do you have proof of that?
McCain: yes look at our friendship with Britain
Woodruff: exactly
Stengel: why are parties and partisanship so evil?
McCain: oh that is so so so sad - i've said repeatedly that America-hating anti-female muslim nigger is good kid
Stengel: i can't understand why that boy can't accept your friendship
Stengel: OMG! By 2042 the white will be gone how can we stop this!?!
McCain: Look we've had wave after wave of slaves come to america seeking freedom
Stengel: amen
McCain: look casey it's sad but we need all those Mexicans to fight our wars
Stengel: demmit it makes me mad
[ obama walks on stage ]
[ college crowd goes WILD ]
Woodruff: OMG run for your lives!!!
Stengel: what does Christmas mean to you
Obama: birth of christ
Stengel: sorry I meant 9/11
Obama: easy mistake
Casey: sure
Obama: it's a reminder of the spirit of togetherness when dick armey sang with barbara mikulski
[ audience shudders ]
Obama: how do we recreate that
Stengel: remake of South Pacific?
Obama: Hey Stupid did all the right things - he rallied the nation and got Osama
Woodruff: he did?
Obama: but then he should have admitted it was all about oil and had a bold new plan of installing those curly light bulbs in every dorm in America
[ YAYY! ]
Obama: i would have told people we all have to be at war
Stengel: we all know Americans are the laziest fucks around hell they can't be bothered to vote
Obama: that what makes America great - we believe in utter selfishness not only for ourselves but for our neighbors too
Stengel: what else
Obama: we think long term
Stengel: sorry which country are you talking about?
Woodruff: specfics pleez
Obama: i would appoint Ted Kennedy and Orrin Hatch in charge of scaring kids in high school into service - if they volunteer i would promise not to send them to their schools
Woodruff: brilliant!
Stengel: you are in fact in favor of national service and you are black
Obama: i know
Stengel: but how are you going to crush the unions?
Obama: hey the unions are all about coming together they love that
Stengel: but the teachers are tough
Obama: Dood. So. Am. I
Woodruff: McStupid seems kind of out of it - he didn't realize poor people are too busy waiting in line at the soup kitchen to volunteer at the soup kitchen
Obama: hey i can dig it - i graduated from Columbia and it was harder to find a community service job than it was to work on Wall Street
Judy: how odd
Obama: and then you can go to college for a little service
Judy: well ok
Stengel: but Newt Gingrich said the blacks took all the good service jobs so the government has to suck ass!!
Obama: that's just an excuse to give massive tax cuts to the rich
Stengel: what's wrong with that
Obama: FEMA should fucking work
Woodruff: so if i hear right John McCain is heartless bastard and your are a tax raising socialist
Obama: that sums it up - now make your choice America
Woodruff: how can we make our military bigger so we invade Russia?
Obama: oh yeah we need a bigger army - you know my white grandfather fought with Patton
Woodruff: i didn't know there were negroes in the army in those days
Obama: let's be honest small rural towns are fighting our wars and not the rich kids
Stengel: right places like Columbia hate America they invited Adolf Ahmedinejad but not the Uncle Sam
Obama: damm right
[ waves tiny flag ]
Woodruff: so what else
Obama: we need people who speak other languages and agricultural specialists in Afghanistan
Woodruff: like who
Obama: people who know how to grow quality weed like purple kush
Stengel: is there any reason people should the Empire more in war than in peace?
Obama: [ reaches for drink ]
holy shit they're serving kool aid
Woodruff: can we give military benefits to kids in AmeriCorps
Obama: well look with all due respect to young teachers soldiers are risking life and limb - we can only afford right now to give them electrified showers and roach-infested hospitals
Woodruff: well sure
Woodruff: will you have McCain in your cabinet
Obama: yeah i like gramps story he's inspired a generation of kids to get shot down and be a POW
Woodruff: big dreams
Obama: i met a big shot lawyer who quit his job to create a post traumatic stress group in Montana
Woodruff: it's so wonderful that a state with so few people has such a need
Stengel: following the Doctrine of False Equivalency did Democrats insult mayors like Palin did to community organizers
Obama: no
Stengel: would like to expand on that
Obama: you're a dick
Stengel: well i never hear that at teh country club
Judy: you're so mean and partisan
Obama: hey whitey Bush put a fucking horse expert in charge of FEMA and thousands died
Judy: now hold on we don't know that
Obama: cause no one bothered to count
Judy: hey one POW is tragedy, thousands death in the bayou is a statistic
Stengel: de cocqueville said America was deeply weird and special
Obama: we are both selfish and idealistic and under Republicans we have veered toward the selfish
Stengel: well that's America nothing you can do
Obama: no in my campaign as in the army we give young people big jobs
Stengel: are they [ whispers ] black??
Obama: they're whoppin’ green screen's ass
Stengel: following the Doctrine of False Equivalency did Democrats
insult mayors like Palin did to community organizers
Obama: Kennedy and Clinton inspired people
Woodruff: name a good Republican
Obama: ok teddy roosevelt
Stengel: ow that's cheating
Woodruff: thanks for coming handsome
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Meet The Press with Joe Biden - September 7, 2008
*****************************************
September 7, 2008
Guests:
Sen. Joe Biden
Tom Friedman
******************************************
Brokaw: congrats for being Obama's flunky
Biden: merci buckets
Brokaw: Sarah Palin is great isn't she?
Biden: she's smart and tough and someday she might have to answer questions
Brokaw: we all remember where we were when men landed on the moon - who did you call 1st after Palin's historically magnificent speech?
Biden: I didn’t call anyone I fell asleep
Brokaw: the GOP has told me you are not allowed to go after Palin because she is a woman and not too bright - so it would be sexist not to hold her to a lower standard
Biden: oh brother
Brokaw: obviously women will vote for Hillary and now Sarah Palin
Biden: that seems sexist to me
Brokaw: well you know how the ladies and blacks are they just vote for each other
Biden: if you say so
Brokaw: Why does Oprah hate America and women and working class people?
Biden: you are a true idiot, aren't you?
Brokaw: well I love Sarah Palin
Biden: she never talks about the economy or the war or health care or
Brokaw: boooooooooooriiiiing!!!
Biden: oh ok
Brokaw: let's talk about polling
Biden: yeppers
Brokaw: Republicans had a massive bounce
Biden: interesting - after our convention we were 8 points ahead and after theirs they were 2 points behind
Brokaw: la la la i can't hear you
Brokaw: can you use hillary to win the lunch bucket states?
Biden: which ones are those?
Brokaw: the non-elitist states
Biden: what's an elitist state?
Brokaw: New York
Biden: yeah upstate NY is all about the snobbery
Brokaw: why not have town halls across America and give gramps McCain all the attention he needs to win
Biden: because it's stupid and we're trying to win
Brokaw: all right i guess we have to talk about the fucking issues
Biden: good
Brokaw: let me quote from Bill O'Reilly
Biden: [ smacks forehead ]
Brokaw: why can't you admit that the surge worked ??
Biden: because it didn't
Brokaw: but it has up to a point
Biden: no
Brokaw: but lindsay graham says it did
Biden: McCain says it didn't
Brokaw: admit it the surge worked!
Biden: no
Brokaw: [ pouts ]
Biden: oh now Tom don't cry
Brokaw: [ sobs ]
Biden: they're doing what Obama suggested 14 months ago!
Brokaw: oh noes!
Biden: they are going to a troop withdrawal timeline for god's sake
Brokaw: Which means the Surge Worked!
Biden: so what do we do now?
Brokaw: More surging?
Biden: criminy
Brokaw: you were in favor of partition
Biden: no i wasn't
Brokaw: i say you were and that you are a bad man
Biden: tell me about Anbar
Brokaw: the elephant?
Biden: moron
Brokaw: admit it we won the war
Biden: McCain wants to nuke iran
Brokaw: admit it nuking iran would work
Biden: gimme a break
Brokaw: 5 years from now will Iraq be peaceful and have a square named after George Bush?
Biden: they may have peace if Obama is President
Brokaw: but Maliki issued a statement through the Pentagon that he loved Bush
Biden: only an idiot would be impressed by that
Brokaw: i loved it
Biden: uh huh
Brokaw: Should we give american housing money to the Chinese
Biden: no
Brokaw: should Bush melt down Michael Phelps' medals to help pay off American debt?
Biden: only as a last resort
Brokaw: Obama is very mean to John McCain about his lobbyists and after all he was a POW
Biden: damm i love those tv ads he can really kick ass
Brokaw: but you are the Senator from MBNA
Biden: that's me
Brokaw: you supported the Bankruptcy bill
Biden: do i get to talk at all
Brokaw: no
Biden: and i thought Russert was tiresome
Brokaw: how did your son nab such a cushy gig
Biden: he went to Yale law school you idiot
Brokaw: hmmmmm
Biden: i supported women and children in that bill
Brokaw: warble warble
Biden: look i'm wearing a flag pin
Brokaw: garble garble
Brokaw: but there are people who don't agree
Biden: 95 senators voted for it dude
Brokaw: but health care causes bankruptcy
Biden: so let's have national health care then
Brokaw: Questions have been raised about your son
Biden: no they haven't
Brokaw: so what kind of reform would you have?
Biden: we would stop guys like dick cheney who had lobbyists actually writing bills!
Brokaw: well that does seem efficient
Brokaw: Cardinal Egan says democracy shouldn't have non-catholic leaders
Biden: well how nice for him - how's that pedophile scandal working for him by the way?
Brokaw: when does life begin?
Biden: i'm in favor of choice and against fascism
Brokaw: but if you think life begins at conception then how can you vote in favor of killing babies
Biden: it's not a vote in favor of killing it's voting against curtailing rights
Brokaw: you just blew my mind
Brokaw: Lieberman says Obama is too young and unqualiifed
Biden: what did he say about Palin
Brokaw: he thinks she's great
Biden: when this election is over i am going to get together with my old buddy and kick his ass
Brokaw: so let's see you do it
Biden: first i have to beat McBush and Palin
[ break ]
Brokaw: you say 9/11 made us all crazy and we lost our way
Friedman: yes we all said stupid shit like “suck on this”
Brokaw: yes we all did that
Friedman: yes we all did and it was terrible
Brokaw: so now what?
Friedman: we need ET to phone home
Brokaw: you are a born-again Greenie
Friedman: i am not nothing if a wind shifter
Brokaw: both parties are equally guilty
Friedman: oh of course
Brokaw: what about ‘drill baby drill’?
Friedman: we have to make being Green popular by targeting dark skinned people
Brokaw: i like it
Friedman: we have to promote carbon offsets
Brokaw: you sound like a liberal
Friedman: oh no!
Brokaw: you would like to be Chinese for a day
Friedman: i would like to know what it's like to live a country with economic growth and citizens who care about democracy
Brokaw: my gas is expensive
Friedman: industries should go “Texas Hold ‘Em” on inventing something new and really green and totally aweome
Brokaw: are you also in favor of curing cancer?
Friedman: ummm..... yes
Brokaw: but both parties are to blame
Friedman: and al gore is fat
Brokaw: yes
Brokaw: is al gore's solution viable?
Friedman: how should i know - he's brilliant and i need my wife to tie my shoelaces
Brokaw: it seems to me that liberals are to blame for everything and Generation Z will have to save us
Friedman: i just realized that George Bush is a short-sighted moron
Brokaw: both parties are to blame for that
Friedman: oh definitely
Brokaw: is global warming real?
Friedman: i have no idea all -- i know i can use it to sell one more stupid cliche ridden pretentious book full of obvious convention wisdom disguised and brilliant commentary with childish acronyms and observations to thrill the dully ignorant pundit set and the self congratulatory award-presenting class
Brokaw: indeed warble warble
September 7, 2008
Guests:
Sen. Joe Biden
Tom Friedman
******************************************
Brokaw: congrats for being Obama's flunky
Biden: merci buckets
Brokaw: Sarah Palin is great isn't she?
Biden: she's smart and tough and someday she might have to answer questions
Brokaw: we all remember where we were when men landed on the moon - who did you call 1st after Palin's historically magnificent speech?
Biden: I didn’t call anyone I fell asleep
Brokaw: the GOP has told me you are not allowed to go after Palin because she is a woman and not too bright - so it would be sexist not to hold her to a lower standard
Biden: oh brother
Brokaw: obviously women will vote for Hillary and now Sarah Palin
Biden: that seems sexist to me
Brokaw: well you know how the ladies and blacks are they just vote for each other
Biden: if you say so
Brokaw: Why does Oprah hate America and women and working class people?
Biden: you are a true idiot, aren't you?
Brokaw: well I love Sarah Palin
Biden: she never talks about the economy or the war or health care or
Brokaw: boooooooooooriiiiing!!!
Biden: oh ok
Brokaw: let's talk about polling
Biden: yeppers
Brokaw: Republicans had a massive bounce
Biden: interesting - after our convention we were 8 points ahead and after theirs they were 2 points behind
Brokaw: la la la i can't hear you
Brokaw: can you use hillary to win the lunch bucket states?
Biden: which ones are those?
Brokaw: the non-elitist states
Biden: what's an elitist state?
Brokaw: New York
Biden: yeah upstate NY is all about the snobbery
Brokaw: why not have town halls across America and give gramps McCain all the attention he needs to win
Biden: because it's stupid and we're trying to win
Brokaw: all right i guess we have to talk about the fucking issues
Biden: good
Brokaw: let me quote from Bill O'Reilly
Biden: [ smacks forehead ]
Brokaw: why can't you admit that the surge worked ??
Biden: because it didn't
Brokaw: but it has up to a point
Biden: no
Brokaw: but lindsay graham says it did
Biden: McCain says it didn't
Brokaw: admit it the surge worked!
Biden: no
Brokaw: [ pouts ]
Biden: oh now Tom don't cry
Brokaw: [ sobs ]
Biden: they're doing what Obama suggested 14 months ago!
Brokaw: oh noes!
Biden: they are going to a troop withdrawal timeline for god's sake
Brokaw: Which means the Surge Worked!
Biden: so what do we do now?
Brokaw: More surging?
Biden: criminy
Brokaw: you were in favor of partition
Biden: no i wasn't
Brokaw: i say you were and that you are a bad man
Biden: tell me about Anbar
Brokaw: the elephant?
Biden: moron
Brokaw: admit it we won the war
Biden: McCain wants to nuke iran
Brokaw: admit it nuking iran would work
Biden: gimme a break
Brokaw: 5 years from now will Iraq be peaceful and have a square named after George Bush?
Biden: they may have peace if Obama is President
Brokaw: but Maliki issued a statement through the Pentagon that he loved Bush
Biden: only an idiot would be impressed by that
Brokaw: i loved it
Biden: uh huh
Brokaw: Should we give american housing money to the Chinese
Biden: no
Brokaw: should Bush melt down Michael Phelps' medals to help pay off American debt?
Biden: only as a last resort
Brokaw: Obama is very mean to John McCain about his lobbyists and after all he was a POW
Biden: damm i love those tv ads he can really kick ass
Brokaw: but you are the Senator from MBNA
Biden: that's me
Brokaw: you supported the Bankruptcy bill
Biden: do i get to talk at all
Brokaw: no
Biden: and i thought Russert was tiresome
Brokaw: how did your son nab such a cushy gig
Biden: he went to Yale law school you idiot
Brokaw: hmmmmm
Biden: i supported women and children in that bill
Brokaw: warble warble
Biden: look i'm wearing a flag pin
Brokaw: garble garble
Brokaw: but there are people who don't agree
Biden: 95 senators voted for it dude
Brokaw: but health care causes bankruptcy
Biden: so let's have national health care then
Brokaw: Questions have been raised about your son
Biden: no they haven't
Brokaw: so what kind of reform would you have?
Biden: we would stop guys like dick cheney who had lobbyists actually writing bills!
Brokaw: well that does seem efficient
Brokaw: Cardinal Egan says democracy shouldn't have non-catholic leaders
Biden: well how nice for him - how's that pedophile scandal working for him by the way?
Brokaw: when does life begin?
Biden: i'm in favor of choice and against fascism
Brokaw: but if you think life begins at conception then how can you vote in favor of killing babies
Biden: it's not a vote in favor of killing it's voting against curtailing rights
Brokaw: you just blew my mind
Brokaw: Lieberman says Obama is too young and unqualiifed
Biden: what did he say about Palin
Brokaw: he thinks she's great
Biden: when this election is over i am going to get together with my old buddy and kick his ass
Brokaw: so let's see you do it
Biden: first i have to beat McBush and Palin
[ break ]
Brokaw: you say 9/11 made us all crazy and we lost our way
Friedman: yes we all said stupid shit like “suck on this”
Brokaw: yes we all did that
Friedman: yes we all did and it was terrible
Brokaw: so now what?
Friedman: we need ET to phone home
Brokaw: you are a born-again Greenie
Friedman: i am not nothing if a wind shifter
Brokaw: both parties are equally guilty
Friedman: oh of course
Brokaw: what about ‘drill baby drill’?
Friedman: we have to make being Green popular by targeting dark skinned people
Brokaw: i like it
Friedman: we have to promote carbon offsets
Brokaw: you sound like a liberal
Friedman: oh no!
Brokaw: you would like to be Chinese for a day
Friedman: i would like to know what it's like to live a country with economic growth and citizens who care about democracy
Brokaw: my gas is expensive
Friedman: industries should go “Texas Hold ‘Em” on inventing something new and really green and totally aweome
Brokaw: are you also in favor of curing cancer?
Friedman: ummm..... yes
Brokaw: but both parties are to blame
Friedman: and al gore is fat
Brokaw: yes
Brokaw: is al gore's solution viable?
Friedman: how should i know - he's brilliant and i need my wife to tie my shoelaces
Brokaw: it seems to me that liberals are to blame for everything and Generation Z will have to save us
Friedman: i just realized that George Bush is a short-sighted moron
Brokaw: both parties are to blame for that
Friedman: oh definitely
Brokaw: is global warming real?
Friedman: i have no idea all -- i know i can use it to sell one more stupid cliche ridden pretentious book full of obvious convention wisdom disguised and brilliant commentary with childish acronyms and observations to thrill the dully ignorant pundit set and the self congratulatory award-presenting class
Brokaw: indeed warble warble
The Chris Matthews Show - September 7, 2008
**********************************
The Chris Matthews Show
September 7, 2008
**********************************
Mitchell: Sarah Palin is the poster child for inclusiveness
Tweety: wow!
Andrea: Obama and McCain will be together at Ground Zero which proves McCain can be non-partisan
Tweety: and what does it show about Obama?
Andrea: that he's a partisan phony
Klein: the convention was an offensive Orwellian nightmare of mooseburgers
Tweety: where was Bush?
Klein: hell they distanced themselves from the Republican party
Tweety: i love it!
Heileman: i heard a rumor than John McCain is a Republican
Tweet: wow do you a newsletter?
Tweety: McCain is the skipper
Andrea: Obama is Gilligan
Norris: Obama has to be a leader and an everyman it's a fine line
Tweety: he's either too street or an elitist
Klein: Obama has to come across as a white human being
Matthews: bomb bomb iran
Tweety: everyone says Obama will get swing voters to let's talk to the one who doesn't - Andrea!
Andrea: John McCain is the best ever!
Klein: oh fer gawd's sake
Tweety: let's talk about Sarah Palin - the mom, the neighbor, the strong female fighting for justice, the PTA
Klein: i love it!
Tweety: she's like a female version of Norma Rae!
Andrea: that's why i love you tweety - you never change
Tweety: who is best person in the history of politics?
Andrea: sarah palin - she fought off the horrible nasty mean terrible liberal bloggers and gave the best speech since the gettysburg address
Klein: yes but she is also stupid
Norris: it's only been 12 days
Klein: A Fortnight of Fuckups
Norris: who cares is he knows where Iran is - she kills moose
Heileman: let's face it McCain is going to die soon
Andrea: she smears with a smile
Tweety: how so
Andrea: she haz lunch-bucket!!!
Klein: but what are her policies?
Mitchell: it doesn't matter she's a hockey mom it's all narrative!
Tweety: biden will be beat her up
Heileman: fuck Biden for calling her sweetie if he ever does
Andrea: i hate Biden for potentially calling her gal or baby or sugartits
Tweety: tell me something I don’t know
Klein: new energy bill is mccain v obama battle
Andrea: Palin will never give an interview it turns out she knows nothing
Heileman: michigan michigan michigan
Tweety: Kwame!
The Chris Matthews Show
September 7, 2008
**********************************
Mitchell: Sarah Palin is the poster child for inclusiveness
Tweety: wow!
Andrea: Obama and McCain will be together at Ground Zero which proves McCain can be non-partisan
Tweety: and what does it show about Obama?
Andrea: that he's a partisan phony
Klein: the convention was an offensive Orwellian nightmare of mooseburgers
Tweety: where was Bush?
Klein: hell they distanced themselves from the Republican party
Tweety: i love it!
Heileman: i heard a rumor than John McCain is a Republican
Tweet: wow do you a newsletter?
Tweety: McCain is the skipper
Andrea: Obama is Gilligan
Norris: Obama has to be a leader and an everyman it's a fine line
Tweety: he's either too street or an elitist
Klein: Obama has to come across as a white human being
Matthews: bomb bomb iran
Tweety: everyone says Obama will get swing voters to let's talk to the one who doesn't - Andrea!
Andrea: John McCain is the best ever!
Klein: oh fer gawd's sake
Tweety: let's talk about Sarah Palin - the mom, the neighbor, the strong female fighting for justice, the PTA
Klein: i love it!
Tweety: she's like a female version of Norma Rae!
Andrea: that's why i love you tweety - you never change
Tweety: who is best person in the history of politics?
Andrea: sarah palin - she fought off the horrible nasty mean terrible liberal bloggers and gave the best speech since the gettysburg address
Klein: yes but she is also stupid
Norris: it's only been 12 days
Klein: A Fortnight of Fuckups
Norris: who cares is he knows where Iran is - she kills moose
Heileman: let's face it McCain is going to die soon
Andrea: she smears with a smile
Tweety: how so
Andrea: she haz lunch-bucket!!!
Klein: but what are her policies?
Mitchell: it doesn't matter she's a hockey mom it's all narrative!
Tweety: biden will be beat her up
Heileman: fuck Biden for calling her sweetie if he ever does
Andrea: i hate Biden for potentially calling her gal or baby or sugartits
Tweety: tell me something I don’t know
Klein: new energy bill is mccain v obama battle
Andrea: Palin will never give an interview it turns out she knows nothing
Heileman: michigan michigan michigan
Tweety: Kwame!
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
GOP Convention Liveblogging Part V - Sept. 2, 2008
***********************************
President George W Bush: as you know i am sadly
forced to stay far, far, far, away from the RNC due to my duties in doing nothing at all for a Category One storm
crowd: Yaaaaaaaaay!!!!!
George W Bush: hi mom and dad
Bush Senior: oh fuck
Bush: i sit at the Resolute Desk
Crowd: whaaaa?
Bush: i've watched as my incompetence shattered buildings and whole cities
Crowd: clap clap clap
Bush: McCain was offered early checkout from the Hotel he was staying in but he refused to pay lot for his muffler
Crowd: yaaaaaaaay
Bush: Liberals may spit on John McCain and America and break his bones but he will fight back
Crowd: wheeeeee
Bush: John McCain will stand against high spenders in congress if he has to fight all Republicans to do it
Crowd: Yaaaaaaayy!!!
Bush: He Hates Me
Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!!
Bush: hey
Crowd: fuuuuuuuuuck yoooou
Aide: they're saying booooooo-ush
Bush: to protect America we must spy on Americans, attack random countries, and double down on our failures!!
Crowd: YEAH!!
Bush: and what can i say about Sarah Palin?
Crowd: we don't know
Bush: but enough about how wonderful america is
Crowd: yeaaahh
Bush: McCain has more experience than that african bellhop
Crowd: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bush: thank you and good night
Crowd: who was that idiot
President George W Bush: as you know i am sadly
forced to stay far, far, far, away from the RNC due to my duties in doing nothing at all for a Category One storm
crowd: Yaaaaaaaaay!!!!!
George W Bush: hi mom and dad
Bush Senior: oh fuck
Bush: i sit at the Resolute Desk
Crowd: whaaaa?
Bush: i've watched as my incompetence shattered buildings and whole cities
Crowd: clap clap clap
Bush: McCain was offered early checkout from the Hotel he was staying in but he refused to pay lot for his muffler
Crowd: yaaaaaaaay
Bush: Liberals may spit on John McCain and America and break his bones but he will fight back
Crowd: wheeeeee
Bush: John McCain will stand against high spenders in congress if he has to fight all Republicans to do it
Crowd: Yaaaaaaayy!!!
Bush: He Hates Me
Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!!
Bush: hey
Crowd: fuuuuuuuuuck yoooou
Aide: they're saying booooooo-ush
Bush: to protect America we must spy on Americans, attack random countries, and double down on our failures!!
Crowd: YEAH!!
Bush: and what can i say about Sarah Palin?
Crowd: we don't know
Bush: but enough about how wonderful america is
Crowd: yeaaahh
Bush: McCain has more experience than that african bellhop
Crowd: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bush: thank you and good night
Crowd: who was that idiot
GOP Convention Liveblogging Part IV - Sept. 2, 2008
Orson Swindle: who am i? why am i here?
Crowd: you're some dude named stockdale
Swindle: punk'd! no i'm not i also shared a room with John Mccain
Crowd: gee what's with all the rotating cell mates
Swindle: ok white medal of honor winner please stand and remain standing
Honor Winner: but i'm old and crippled
Swindle: shut the fuck up whiner
Crowd: USA! USA! USA!
Bobo: damm that Dem convention was so fascist
Swindle: POWs stand and be recognized
Crowd: wheeeee
Swindle: not you Muhammed i mean real POWs like Sly Stallone
Crowd: USA USA USA
Swindle: where's my pudding
Swindle: and please recognize our WWII veterans like rejected President HW Bush
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaaay
Swindle: father of george w bush
[ c r i c k e t s ]
Swindle: please welcome Heath Ledg- I Laura Bush!!!
Laura Bush: John McCain is a freak! Like me!
Crowd: yaaaaay
Laura: we have a war hero and Palin on the ticker - The Hero and the Zero!!!!
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!
Laura: self hating women make this medieval nightmare of a party strong
Crowd: clap clap
Laura: like that other freak Condi rice
Crowd: yeeeah hawwwwww
Laura: Facts will change, but my Stupid husband never will!!!
Crowd: Yeeeaaaghhhh!!
Joker: Bush destroyed American education on his watch
Crowd: you bet
Joker: and he stroke a blow for disabled by putting an epiletpic on the Court !!!
Crowd: wheeeeeee
Laura: George liberated 50 million people
Crowd: yeaaahh!!
Laura: i mean sperm
Laura: and George Bush kept America safe
Crowd: yay!
Laura: except for teh 7,000 dead Americans
Crowd: you're some dude named stockdale
Swindle: punk'd! no i'm not i also shared a room with John Mccain
Crowd: gee what's with all the rotating cell mates
Swindle: ok white medal of honor winner please stand and remain standing
Honor Winner: but i'm old and crippled
Swindle: shut the fuck up whiner
Crowd: USA! USA! USA!
Bobo: damm that Dem convention was so fascist
Swindle: POWs stand and be recognized
Crowd: wheeeee
Swindle: not you Muhammed i mean real POWs like Sly Stallone
Crowd: USA USA USA
Swindle: where's my pudding
Swindle: and please recognize our WWII veterans like rejected President HW Bush
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaaay
Swindle: father of george w bush
[ c r i c k e t s ]
Swindle: please welcome Heath Ledg- I Laura Bush!!!
Laura Bush: John McCain is a freak! Like me!
Crowd: yaaaaay
Laura: we have a war hero and Palin on the ticker - The Hero and the Zero!!!!
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!
Laura: self hating women make this medieval nightmare of a party strong
Crowd: clap clap
Laura: like that other freak Condi rice
Crowd: yeeeah hawwwwww
Laura: Facts will change, but my Stupid husband never will!!!
Crowd: Yeeeaaaghhhh!!
Joker: Bush destroyed American education on his watch
Crowd: you bet
Joker: and he stroke a blow for disabled by putting an epiletpic on the Court !!!
Crowd: wheeeeeee
Laura: George liberated 50 million people
Crowd: yeaaahh!!
Laura: i mean sperm
Laura: and George Bush kept America safe
Crowd: yay!
Laura: except for teh 7,000 dead Americans
GOP Convention Liveblogging Part III - Sept. 2, 2008
rescue worker: I will never forget responding to that terrible bridge collapse which took place right near here
crowd: oh noes
rescue worker: cars were crushed, wires were down, concrete swayed as human body parts floated around me
crowd: yaaaaay
rescue worker: i have never been more proud of being a republican - knowing that no hard earned tax dollars had been wasted to repair that wretched bridge
crowd: clap clap
rescue worker: which was too black and lazy to stay standing
crowd: amen
worker: i turned to one of the crippled victims and i said thank god tim pawlenty vetoed that bill to fund infrastructure repair - this isn't the soviet union ya know
crowd: wheeeeeeee
worker: and then she died knowing that liberals had not taken her freedom to choose to next time drive another bridge home - free market rulz!!
Crowd: yayyyyy!!!
Hispanic: u may ask yourself why does a brown skinned democrat support a John Mccain when no one else does?
Crowd: yeah
Hispanic: god told me to
Crowd: oh ok
Hispanic: john cleans the yards of hispanics in the barrios of arizona
Crowd: i think you have that backwards pedro
Hispanic: the Gospel of Matteo says embrace the least among you including the weak and broken and pathetic and the real losers and that is why i support john mccain!!!
Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!
Hispanic: John Mccain will control our uterus and hate the gays!! viva mccain!! heil McCain!!
Crowd: Yeaaaaaaaaahh!!!!
Journalist: you shared a cell with McCain
Colonel: we shared a special love
Journalist: what was he like
Colonel: he was very funny
Journo: how so
Colonel: he told a joke about chelsea clinton that killed
Journo: can you believe it your former lover is going to be the nominee
Colonel: oh he's going to be President - you saw in Saddlebrook he's ready to lead adn to kill
Journalist: tell us somethign about him only you would know
Colonel: he's actually qualified to be President
crowd: oh noes
rescue worker: cars were crushed, wires were down, concrete swayed as human body parts floated around me
crowd: yaaaaay
rescue worker: i have never been more proud of being a republican - knowing that no hard earned tax dollars had been wasted to repair that wretched bridge
crowd: clap clap
rescue worker: which was too black and lazy to stay standing
crowd: amen
worker: i turned to one of the crippled victims and i said thank god tim pawlenty vetoed that bill to fund infrastructure repair - this isn't the soviet union ya know
crowd: wheeeeeeee
worker: and then she died knowing that liberals had not taken her freedom to choose to next time drive another bridge home - free market rulz!!
Crowd: yayyyyy!!!
Hispanic: u may ask yourself why does a brown skinned democrat support a John Mccain when no one else does?
Crowd: yeah
Hispanic: god told me to
Crowd: oh ok
Hispanic: john cleans the yards of hispanics in the barrios of arizona
Crowd: i think you have that backwards pedro
Hispanic: the Gospel of Matteo says embrace the least among you including the weak and broken and pathetic and the real losers and that is why i support john mccain!!!
Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!
Hispanic: John Mccain will control our uterus and hate the gays!! viva mccain!! heil McCain!!
Crowd: Yeaaaaaaaaahh!!!!
Journalist: you shared a cell with McCain
Colonel: we shared a special love
Journalist: what was he like
Colonel: he was very funny
Journo: how so
Colonel: he told a joke about chelsea clinton that killed
Journo: can you believe it your former lover is going to be the nominee
Colonel: oh he's going to be President - you saw in Saddlebrook he's ready to lead adn to kill
Journalist: tell us somethign about him only you would know
Colonel: he's actually qualified to be President
GOP Convention Liveblogging Part II - Sept. 2, 2008
Mark Shields: McCain choosing Palin was the worst decision since McGovern running with McMurphy
David Books: so she once put metal in the plastic recycling bin so what
Shields: also her insanity
Lehrer: who the fuck chose Quayle
Bobo: this is completely different Quayle embarrassed the HW Bush ticket - Palin is really different
Shields: heh heh let me tell something Palin makes Quayle look like Dwight Fucking Eisenhower
Shields: they have been very smart and put Palin in hiding
Bobo: if she gives a good scripted speech that will prove she has no ethics problems or is not insane
Shields: what is the difference between her and a pit bull?
Bobo: size of the litter?
Ifill: say something nice about McStupid
Kyl: he's tremendously interesting
Ifill: is he really a maverick?
Republican operative: yes he is
Ifill: well that's settled then
Kyl: he is so fucking mavericky
Ifill: wow suddenly i feel so girlishly giddy
Ifill: what makes him so wonderful?
GOP guy: he's is the best human ever
Kyl: i would say it's his maverick-ness
GOP guy: Sarah Palin is a great governor - also she is a maverick
Kyl: that's right also she hates bush
Ifill: wow I am learning SO MUCH hee hee hee
David Books: so she once put metal in the plastic recycling bin so what
Shields: also her insanity
Lehrer: who the fuck chose Quayle
Bobo: this is completely different Quayle embarrassed the HW Bush ticket - Palin is really different
Shields: heh heh let me tell something Palin makes Quayle look like Dwight Fucking Eisenhower
Shields: they have been very smart and put Palin in hiding
Bobo: if she gives a good scripted speech that will prove she has no ethics problems or is not insane
Shields: what is the difference between her and a pit bull?
Bobo: size of the litter?
Ifill: say something nice about McStupid
Kyl: he's tremendously interesting
Ifill: is he really a maverick?
Republican operative: yes he is
Ifill: well that's settled then
Kyl: he is so fucking mavericky
Ifill: wow suddenly i feel so girlishly giddy
Ifill: what makes him so wonderful?
GOP guy: he's is the best human ever
Kyl: i would say it's his maverick-ness
GOP guy: Sarah Palin is a great governor - also she is a maverick
Kyl: that's right also she hates bush
Ifill: wow I am learning SO MUCH hee hee hee
GOP Convention Liveblogging Part I - Sept. 2, 2008
Bachman: jon and sidney mccain adopted a black child
Crowd: oooooohh
Bachman: he was also a not so decent pilot
Crowd: yay
Bachman: barack obama is a selfish coward
Crowd: Yeeaaaah
Bachman: the best way to help people is not to do it
Crowd: wheeee
Bachman: then again we're not heartless bastards after all we need a new generation of soldiers for endless war
Crowd: YAY
Bachman: but let's not forget government should not help people
Crowd: YAY!!!!
Bachman: as Goppers we realize the best charity is keeping your own money and spending it on yachts
Crowd: Wheeeee
Bachman: but the Dems wants to spend your money on black welfare mothers
Crowd: Nooooooooooo
Bachman: we want bloated government to bail out Federal Banks, not Tyra Banks!!!
Crowd: Yaaaaayyy!!!!!
Bachman: thanks and come back to minnesota the land that hairstyles forgot
Crowd: clap clap clap
Dork: cindy mccain travels the world buying children for her white friends in arizona
Crowd: yayyyy
Dork: she does this so the Republican party can have a splash of color at their annual conventions
Crowd: Yaaaaaaay
Dork: i know this seems like the hard way but that's how selfless cindy is
Crowd: woooohoooo
Dork: was she high when she did this - i don't know
Crowd: hmmmmmmmmmm
Dork: but at least she gave them normal american names not like Barack or Twig or Long Jump
Nicky: oh my fucking god this has got to be MOST embarrassing moment of my life
Dork: hey at least you're not Bristol
Nicky: oh christ why me
Crowd: oooooohh
Bachman: he was also a not so decent pilot
Crowd: yay
Bachman: barack obama is a selfish coward
Crowd: Yeeaaaah
Bachman: the best way to help people is not to do it
Crowd: wheeee
Bachman: then again we're not heartless bastards after all we need a new generation of soldiers for endless war
Crowd: YAY
Bachman: but let's not forget government should not help people
Crowd: YAY!!!!
Bachman: as Goppers we realize the best charity is keeping your own money and spending it on yachts
Crowd: Wheeeee
Bachman: but the Dems wants to spend your money on black welfare mothers
Crowd: Nooooooooooo
Bachman: we want bloated government to bail out Federal Banks, not Tyra Banks!!!
Crowd: Yaaaaayyy!!!!!
Bachman: thanks and come back to minnesota the land that hairstyles forgot
Crowd: clap clap clap
Dork: cindy mccain travels the world buying children for her white friends in arizona
Crowd: yayyyy
Dork: she does this so the Republican party can have a splash of color at their annual conventions
Crowd: Yaaaaaaay
Dork: i know this seems like the hard way but that's how selfless cindy is
Crowd: woooohoooo
Dork: was she high when she did this - i don't know
Crowd: hmmmmmmmmmm
Dork: but at least she gave them normal american names not like Barack or Twig or Long Jump
Nicky: oh my fucking god this has got to be MOST embarrassing moment of my life
Dork: hey at least you're not Bristol
Nicky: oh christ why me
Monday, September 01, 2008
60 Minutes - with Barack Obama and Joe Biden
***********************************
60 Minutes
Guests:
Senator Barack Obama and Senator Joe Biden
August 31, 2008
***********************************
Kroft: wow more Americans saw the Dems party down than the saw the Olympics
Obama: i rule!
Kroft: did you ever doubt you would be the nominee
Obama: of course i'm a black guy named Obama
Biden: i though i was good - but he's like Zeus he grabbed the lightning
Obama: i always thought i was more like Apollo but okay
Kroft: what do you think of Palin
Obama: she's a fisher of men but she seems like a wingnut
Kroft: she has no experience
Obama: really i hadn't noticed
Kroft: she's a blue collar hunter with a son in Iraq
Obama: dood what about the issues
Kroft: never heard of 'em
Obama: Biden is a blue collar dood as well
Biden: who cares - it only matters what you're going to do as President
Kroft: you drink wine and do elitist shit like basketball
Obama: now hold on i drink a six pack every night
Kroft: but you were reduced to bowling
Obama: wait a minutes I wasn't there to get votes i was there to campaign
Kroft: so why hire Biden?
Obama: because he doesn't bite his tongue - i checked
Kroft: you disagreed on Iraq
Biden: but I was wrong -- i thought Bush meant it when he said he didn't want war and Obama knew better
Kroft: so did my cocker spaniel
Dog: arf arf wmd!!
Kroft: you are a plagiarist
Biden: yeah i failed to footnote a quote in a debate 20 years ago
Kroft: dealbreaker dood
Obama: he's likeable enough
Kroft: what role will Biden play in your government
Biden: I will give him the white male's perspective
Kroft: what will you do in the campaign
Biden: i will help him carry Wilmington
Kroft: ah
Biden: hey boss listen to this
Obama: [ beams ]
Kroft: they say you're soft and weak
Obama: ah yes hmmm so I've heard - one wonders how i ever got to the senate from fucking Chicago and defeated the Clinton machine
Kroft: hey you're black
Obama: yes i know
Kroft: are you going be the black president
Obama: i am going to be a black president not the black president
Kroft: how can you represent white people?
Obama: i will deliver health care and economic growth and equality and that's good for whites and blacks and asians and the other races too
Kroft: why don't you have a 30 point lead?
Obama: dood the last 2 elections were ties stolen the GOP -- we all know the Republicans can't govern but they can scare people we're gonna have to fight but we will win
Kroft: okay then
*************************************************
60 Minutes
Guests:
Senator Barack Obama and Senator Joe Biden
August 31, 2008
***********************************
Kroft: wow more Americans saw the Dems party down than the saw the Olympics
Obama: i rule!
Kroft: did you ever doubt you would be the nominee
Obama: of course i'm a black guy named Obama
Biden: i though i was good - but he's like Zeus he grabbed the lightning
Obama: i always thought i was more like Apollo but okay
Kroft: what do you think of Palin
Obama: she's a fisher of men but she seems like a wingnut
Kroft: she has no experience
Obama: really i hadn't noticed
Kroft: she's a blue collar hunter with a son in Iraq
Obama: dood what about the issues
Kroft: never heard of 'em
Obama: Biden is a blue collar dood as well
Biden: who cares - it only matters what you're going to do as President
Kroft: you drink wine and do elitist shit like basketball
Obama: now hold on i drink a six pack every night
Kroft: but you were reduced to bowling
Obama: wait a minutes I wasn't there to get votes i was there to campaign
Kroft: so why hire Biden?
Obama: because he doesn't bite his tongue - i checked
Kroft: you disagreed on Iraq
Biden: but I was wrong -- i thought Bush meant it when he said he didn't want war and Obama knew better
Kroft: so did my cocker spaniel
Dog: arf arf wmd!!
Kroft: you are a plagiarist
Biden: yeah i failed to footnote a quote in a debate 20 years ago
Kroft: dealbreaker dood
Obama: he's likeable enough
Kroft: what role will Biden play in your government
Biden: I will give him the white male's perspective
Kroft: what will you do in the campaign
Biden: i will help him carry Wilmington
Kroft: ah
Biden: hey boss listen to this
Obama: [ beams ]
Kroft: they say you're soft and weak
Obama: ah yes hmmm so I've heard - one wonders how i ever got to the senate from fucking Chicago and defeated the Clinton machine
Kroft: hey you're black
Obama: yes i know
Kroft: are you going be the black president
Obama: i am going to be a black president not the black president
Kroft: how can you represent white people?
Obama: i will deliver health care and economic growth and equality and that's good for whites and blacks and asians and the other races too
Kroft: why don't you have a 30 point lead?
Obama: dood the last 2 elections were ties stolen the GOP -- we all know the Republicans can't govern but they can scare people we're gonna have to fight but we will win
Kroft: okay then
*************************************************
60 Minutes - with Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan
*******************************
60 Minutes
Interview with Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan
August 31, 2008
**********************************
Pelley: Americans killed 4 generations of one family including a little baby
Military: Ooops
Pelley: there was one hour of sustained mortar fire followed by an airstrike of 2,000 pound bombs on houses made of mud
Afghans: this is worse than the Russians
Pelley: you cannot be saying that the Soviets were worse
Afghans: yes we are
Pelley: voice over - of course that isn't true but they say that
Pelley: what's up Hamid
Karzai: they keep bombing our villages and we don't like it so much
Pelley: did you tell that to Stupid
Karzai: yes and he has completely ignored me
Pelley: so
Karzai: so I am doing this interview
Pelley: wow look at this high tech shit why are you showing me all this secret stuff
Army: because we are desperate to repair our image
Expert: the army does the math how many civilians you are allowed to kill
Pelley: what's the limit
Expert: i could kill 30 people on my own after that i need a permission slip
Pelley: i was blown away by how we avoid killing innocent people
Expert: see we're good guys
Pelley: except for all the childen killed
Expert: teh Taliban is violating international law!
Pelley: oh well ok then
Pelley: so no real harm done
Expert: but when we kill a whole family we may drive people to hate America and join the Taliban
Pelley: gee that's a crazy idea
Hamid: hey the americans made a mistake it happens
Pelley: so what now
Hamid: i beg the americans to stop killing little children
Pelley: good luck with that
**************************************************
60 Minutes
Interview with Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan
August 31, 2008
**********************************
Pelley: Americans killed 4 generations of one family including a little baby
Military: Ooops
Pelley: there was one hour of sustained mortar fire followed by an airstrike of 2,000 pound bombs on houses made of mud
Afghans: this is worse than the Russians
Pelley: you cannot be saying that the Soviets were worse
Afghans: yes we are
Pelley: voice over - of course that isn't true but they say that
Pelley: what's up Hamid
Karzai: they keep bombing our villages and we don't like it so much
Pelley: did you tell that to Stupid
Karzai: yes and he has completely ignored me
Pelley: so
Karzai: so I am doing this interview
Pelley: wow look at this high tech shit why are you showing me all this secret stuff
Army: because we are desperate to repair our image
Expert: the army does the math how many civilians you are allowed to kill
Pelley: what's the limit
Expert: i could kill 30 people on my own after that i need a permission slip
Pelley: i was blown away by how we avoid killing innocent people
Expert: see we're good guys
Pelley: except for all the childen killed
Expert: teh Taliban is violating international law!
Pelley: oh well ok then
Pelley: so no real harm done
Expert: but when we kill a whole family we may drive people to hate America and join the Taliban
Pelley: gee that's a crazy idea
Hamid: hey the americans made a mistake it happens
Pelley: so what now
Hamid: i beg the americans to stop killing little children
Pelley: good luck with that
**************************************************
Maria Bartiromo interview with Sarah Palin - August 31, 2008
********************************************
Wall Street Journal Report with Maria Bartiromo
Guest: Gov. Sarah Palin
August 31, 2008
********************************************
Bartiromo: Do you want to be vice president?
Palin: well i rule a large and sprawling empire now so i don't know - it might be a step down
Bartiromo: so how do you decide?
Palin: i'm a mom and my 19 year-old son is going to Iraq in a war over oil which he wouldn't have to do if we drilled in in ANWR
Bartiromo: So why can't we fucking drill in ANWR already!!!!
Palin: oh people see the moose and bears on tv but that's not ANWR - it's really a very ugly place
Bartiromo: If ANWR is so small why not drill somewhere else?
Palin: hey we are at war over taking Saddam's oil - we've GOT to drill there here and everywhere
Bartiromo: sounds great!
Palin: wait there's more! the caribou love the pipeline - if Biden had his way the caribous would have no where to masturbate
artiromo: people accuse you of wanting to drill drill drill
Palin: well i do want to drill drill drill drill
Bartiromo: what else
Palin: we really need wind solar and geothermal
Bartiromo: mostly dems want to do that
Palin: well then that's very naïve
******************************************************************
Wall Street Journal Report with Maria Bartiromo
Guest: Gov. Sarah Palin
August 31, 2008
********************************************
Bartiromo: Do you want to be vice president?
Palin: well i rule a large and sprawling empire now so i don't know - it might be a step down
Bartiromo: so how do you decide?
Palin: i'm a mom and my 19 year-old son is going to Iraq in a war over oil which he wouldn't have to do if we drilled in in ANWR
Bartiromo: So why can't we fucking drill in ANWR already!!!!
Palin: oh people see the moose and bears on tv but that's not ANWR - it's really a very ugly place
Bartiromo: If ANWR is so small why not drill somewhere else?
Palin: hey we are at war over taking Saddam's oil - we've GOT to drill there here and everywhere
Bartiromo: sounds great!
Palin: wait there's more! the caribou love the pipeline - if Biden had his way the caribous would have no where to masturbate
artiromo: people accuse you of wanting to drill drill drill
Palin: well i do want to drill drill drill drill
Bartiromo: what else
Palin: we really need wind solar and geothermal
Bartiromo: mostly dems want to do that
Palin: well then that's very naïve
******************************************************************
Meet The Press with Gov. Tim Pawlenty - August 31, 2008
Meet The Press
August 31, 2008
Guest: Gov. Tim Pawlenty
Brokaw: welcome to the son of Governor Pawlenty
Gov. Pawlenty: no i'm actually the governor
Brokaw: really?
Pawlenty: yep
Brokaw: Bush will not be attending the convention
Pawlenty: of course it would not make sense for a very unpopular President to attend in the middle of a hurricane
Brokaw: we can stipulate that Palin's a down-home regular person who's only knowledge of foreign policy is Russian fish and will be less than a heartbeat from the presidency
Pawlenty: we have a person as a potential Vice President who is a governor and very very well qualified
Brokaw: Palin isn't that good
Pawlenty: Tom I was talking about myself
Pawlenty: Palin is better than Obama after all she's white and an ovary-american
Brokaw: C'mon she's a fucking zero
Pawlenty: there are lots of idiot americans who have never done anything - shouldn't they have representation too??
Brokaw: McCain put his short-term interests ahead of the nation
Pawlenty: well that's his right
Brokaw: her own mother in law is voting for Obama
Pawlenty: Obama just graduated from college!!
Brokaw: not exactly
Pawlenty: hey Alaska is a very big place and she has guts and grit she Commanded the National Guard in the effort to wipe out the Polar Bear
Pawlenty: Male Hillary supporters are going to vote for McCain because of Palin and her hockey-mom-ness
Brokaw: with all due respect Governor i never heard a bigger pile of bullshit in my life
Pawlenty: hey if i was any good at this McCain would have chosen me
Brokaw: Abortion?
Pawlenty: Obama never gets asked about fetuses
Brokaw: he was last week liar
Pawlenty: oh well la la la la
Brokaw: She's a creationist wacko
Pawlenty: in terms of science it's not credible but why not teach it alongside evolution -- why not have the truth and myth and let the kids decide what is true?
Brokaw: I'm confused
Pawlenty: in my state we teach algebra and that 2 + 2 = 5 -- you know, both sides
Brokaw: The Economist says McCain is a fucking crazy
Pawlenty: no he's a Mavericky Maverick ask anyone
Brokaw: i'm asking you
Pawlenty: Maverick
Brokaw: anything else?
Pawlenty: Fuck John McCain for not choosing me
Brokaw: whoa
Pawlenty: oh that was a freudian slip i meant to say 'Maverick' and that slipped out
[ break [
Brokaw: kelly love yer pearls
Kelly O'Donnell: potential positive in a major hurricane destroying an american city is that McCain has a good excuse for making Bush stay away - also this can show how McCain will react to a crisis - aside from a eating a birthday cake of course
Brokaw: Doris give me your historical perspective on Norah Palin
Doris Goodwin: Sarah
Brokaw: whatever - who is she - we know she shot a moose
Goodwin: 1 out of 3 VPs become President and let's face it with McCain those odds are higher
Tom: wow
Goodwin: he's had a year to make this decision and for god's sake he's comes up with small town mayor??
Goodwin: i get it why he chosen but hunting and fishing is not a top qualification for being President in teh 21st century
Mike Murphy: first she helps with the looney base, and it reinforces the Maverickyness, but it does indicate he doesn't care about experience
Tom: after all Obama is the nominee not Biden or Michael Palin
Andrea Mitchell: she mentioned Hillary and Ferraro in her speech and got booed
Brokaw: well that went well
Andrea: she not only wants to stop everyone to have an abortion she is even willing to not have one too
Tom: wow how brave to be willing to force your beliefs on everyone else
Mitchell: it's a fascinating choice - it indicates that McCain is off his fucking rocker and has contempt for the American people
Baritromo: We must drill in Alaska Tom!!
Tom: ok mary cool it
Bartiromo: it's maria
Tom: that's what i said
Bartiromo: dammit the moose and bears and wolves love the pipeline they rub up against and have sex with it
Tom: home foreclosures and health care!
Maria: she says the Republican party has the advantage there
Tom: um was there a lack of oxygen during your interview
Maria: she showed me the places where they want to drill and it looked fine to me
Tom: is that all
Maria: no my taxi driver said she is great and she gave up a private chef
Tom: wow
Maria: i was very impressed with her knowledge of the need to drill and create jobs in Alaska
Gregory: he did this to make a grab for independents - i think it will work
Murphy: i don't believe in Pumas
Gregory: bite me
Murphy: she will help with gun owning blue collar nuts but not with wine drinking snobs
Brokaw: she has a very winning way about her
Goodwin: you mean she's hot
Brokaw: ayup
Gregory: she went into labor and boarded a plane - this is really cool!!
Brokaw: so of course she should be leader of the free world
Mitchell: right - they were going to chose Lieberman until they realized everybody in America hates him
Murphy: i want lukewarm independents not goldwater loonies
Brokaw: which is she?
Murphy: she's anti corruption creationist - she's both
Brokaw: let's talk about her looks some more
Gregory: she's proves that Obama is out of touch with the moose-killing American
Mitchell: Obama didn't pay for his promises!!
Brokaw: c'mon it was a great speech
Mitchell: it scared McCain so much he reached for some Alaska beauty queen
Brokaw: experience is off the table
Murphy: right now it's all about taxes taxes taxes
Brokaw: what else
Murphy: they will run on fear of Pelosi
Mitchell: the dems need to trot out Hillary again to counteract the force of Palin
Brokaw: omg she will never go away will she
Brokaw: Fred Barnes said she is not a feminist - is she a feminist??
Maria: no she is not
Audience: she is head of Feminists for Life
Maria: i thought she was so cute - she called her husband the "First Dude"
Maria: her husband is an oil guy with British Petroleum that will be play well with 'the masses'
Brokaw: Maria you are very condescending to a fictional group of imaginary lunch bucket blue collar folk
Maria: i'm sorry
Brokaw: no it's good that's the Tim Russert way - you will now be invited on the show every week
Maria: yay
****************************************************************
August 31, 2008
Guest: Gov. Tim Pawlenty
Brokaw: welcome to the son of Governor Pawlenty
Gov. Pawlenty: no i'm actually the governor
Brokaw: really?
Pawlenty: yep
Brokaw: Bush will not be attending the convention
Pawlenty: of course it would not make sense for a very unpopular President to attend in the middle of a hurricane
Brokaw: we can stipulate that Palin's a down-home regular person who's only knowledge of foreign policy is Russian fish and will be less than a heartbeat from the presidency
Pawlenty: we have a person as a potential Vice President who is a governor and very very well qualified
Brokaw: Palin isn't that good
Pawlenty: Tom I was talking about myself
Pawlenty: Palin is better than Obama after all she's white and an ovary-american
Brokaw: C'mon she's a fucking zero
Pawlenty: there are lots of idiot americans who have never done anything - shouldn't they have representation too??
Brokaw: McCain put his short-term interests ahead of the nation
Pawlenty: well that's his right
Brokaw: her own mother in law is voting for Obama
Pawlenty: Obama just graduated from college!!
Brokaw: not exactly
Pawlenty: hey Alaska is a very big place and she has guts and grit she Commanded the National Guard in the effort to wipe out the Polar Bear
Pawlenty: Male Hillary supporters are going to vote for McCain because of Palin and her hockey-mom-ness
Brokaw: with all due respect Governor i never heard a bigger pile of bullshit in my life
Pawlenty: hey if i was any good at this McCain would have chosen me
Brokaw: Abortion?
Pawlenty: Obama never gets asked about fetuses
Brokaw: he was last week liar
Pawlenty: oh well la la la la
Brokaw: She's a creationist wacko
Pawlenty: in terms of science it's not credible but why not teach it alongside evolution -- why not have the truth and myth and let the kids decide what is true?
Brokaw: I'm confused
Pawlenty: in my state we teach algebra and that 2 + 2 = 5 -- you know, both sides
Brokaw: The Economist says McCain is a fucking crazy
Pawlenty: no he's a Mavericky Maverick ask anyone
Brokaw: i'm asking you
Pawlenty: Maverick
Brokaw: anything else?
Pawlenty: Fuck John McCain for not choosing me
Brokaw: whoa
Pawlenty: oh that was a freudian slip i meant to say 'Maverick' and that slipped out
[ break [
Brokaw: kelly love yer pearls
Kelly O'Donnell: potential positive in a major hurricane destroying an american city is that McCain has a good excuse for making Bush stay away - also this can show how McCain will react to a crisis - aside from a eating a birthday cake of course
Brokaw: Doris give me your historical perspective on Norah Palin
Doris Goodwin: Sarah
Brokaw: whatever - who is she - we know she shot a moose
Goodwin: 1 out of 3 VPs become President and let's face it with McCain those odds are higher
Tom: wow
Goodwin: he's had a year to make this decision and for god's sake he's comes up with small town mayor??
Goodwin: i get it why he chosen but hunting and fishing is not a top qualification for being President in teh 21st century
Mike Murphy: first she helps with the looney base, and it reinforces the Maverickyness, but it does indicate he doesn't care about experience
Tom: after all Obama is the nominee not Biden or Michael Palin
Andrea Mitchell: she mentioned Hillary and Ferraro in her speech and got booed
Brokaw: well that went well
Andrea: she not only wants to stop everyone to have an abortion she is even willing to not have one too
Tom: wow how brave to be willing to force your beliefs on everyone else
Mitchell: it's a fascinating choice - it indicates that McCain is off his fucking rocker and has contempt for the American people
Baritromo: We must drill in Alaska Tom!!
Tom: ok mary cool it
Bartiromo: it's maria
Tom: that's what i said
Bartiromo: dammit the moose and bears and wolves love the pipeline they rub up against and have sex with it
Tom: home foreclosures and health care!
Maria: she says the Republican party has the advantage there
Tom: um was there a lack of oxygen during your interview
Maria: she showed me the places where they want to drill and it looked fine to me
Tom: is that all
Maria: no my taxi driver said she is great and she gave up a private chef
Tom: wow
Maria: i was very impressed with her knowledge of the need to drill and create jobs in Alaska
Gregory: he did this to make a grab for independents - i think it will work
Murphy: i don't believe in Pumas
Gregory: bite me
Murphy: she will help with gun owning blue collar nuts but not with wine drinking snobs
Brokaw: she has a very winning way about her
Goodwin: you mean she's hot
Brokaw: ayup
Gregory: she went into labor and boarded a plane - this is really cool!!
Brokaw: so of course she should be leader of the free world
Mitchell: right - they were going to chose Lieberman until they realized everybody in America hates him
Murphy: i want lukewarm independents not goldwater loonies
Brokaw: which is she?
Murphy: she's anti corruption creationist - she's both
Brokaw: let's talk about her looks some more
Gregory: she's proves that Obama is out of touch with the moose-killing American
Mitchell: Obama didn't pay for his promises!!
Brokaw: c'mon it was a great speech
Mitchell: it scared McCain so much he reached for some Alaska beauty queen
Brokaw: experience is off the table
Murphy: right now it's all about taxes taxes taxes
Brokaw: what else
Murphy: they will run on fear of Pelosi
Mitchell: the dems need to trot out Hillary again to counteract the force of Palin
Brokaw: omg she will never go away will she
Brokaw: Fred Barnes said she is not a feminist - is she a feminist??
Maria: no she is not
Audience: she is head of Feminists for Life
Maria: i thought she was so cute - she called her husband the "First Dude"
Maria: her husband is an oil guy with British Petroleum that will be play well with 'the masses'
Brokaw: Maria you are very condescending to a fictional group of imaginary lunch bucket blue collar folk
Maria: i'm sorry
Brokaw: no it's good that's the Tim Russert way - you will now be invited on the show every week
Maria: yay
****************************************************************
The Chris Matthews Show - August 31, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show
August 31, 2008
*******************************************
Matthews: omg sarah palin is a reformer with ovaries!!!
Matthews Meter: she's great!
Fineman: i love her she's outside of the box and bold -- no one would have predicted he would pick an unqualified lunatic
Tweety: she's got no experience
O'Donnell: not true - she got a passport in 2007 - she's a rising star hockey mom why shouldn't she run the free world?
Clarence Page: ARE YOU ALL FUCKING KIDDING??
Matthews: Why her?
Bumiller: Palin has more foreign policy experience than Pawlenty - after all she once fished in Russian waters
Tweety: what else?
fineman: she's not a closted gay republican
Matthews: wow that's hard to find
O'Donnell: Palin also brought big money
Page: all the black men in Chicago are huggin each other
Bumiller: Lindsay Graham pushed Lieberman hard hard hard
Tweety: ewww
O'Donnell: McCain has a anger judgment problem
Page: the msm is covering up the fact that he is an asshole
Bumiller: McCain once told me to fuck off but it was was my fault i didn't have dinner ready when he came home
Fineman: Obama is like an inner city dude calling McCain out to the playground and face him like a man
Tweety: He's Russell Crowe to McCain's Commodus
Audience: a hero will rise
August 31, 2008
*******************************************
Matthews: omg sarah palin is a reformer with ovaries!!!
Matthews Meter: she's great!
Fineman: i love her she's outside of the box and bold -- no one would have predicted he would pick an unqualified lunatic
Tweety: she's got no experience
O'Donnell: not true - she got a passport in 2007 - she's a rising star hockey mom why shouldn't she run the free world?
Clarence Page: ARE YOU ALL FUCKING KIDDING??
Matthews: Why her?
Bumiller: Palin has more foreign policy experience than Pawlenty - after all she once fished in Russian waters
Tweety: what else?
fineman: she's not a closted gay republican
Matthews: wow that's hard to find
O'Donnell: Palin also brought big money
Page: all the black men in Chicago are huggin each other
Bumiller: Lindsay Graham pushed Lieberman hard hard hard
Tweety: ewww
O'Donnell: McCain has a anger judgment problem
Page: the msm is covering up the fact that he is an asshole
Bumiller: McCain once told me to fuck off but it was was my fault i didn't have dinner ready when he came home
Fineman: Obama is like an inner city dude calling McCain out to the playground and face him like a man
Tweety: He's Russell Crowe to McCain's Commodus
Audience: a hero will rise
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Meet The Press with Caroline Kennedy - August 24, 2008
***************************************************
Meet The Press
August 24, 2008
Guests:
Caroline Kennedy
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi
***************************************************
Brokaw: Caroline we haven’t seen you since you rode a pony at the white house why come of out of hiding for Obama
Kennedy: cause he's totally awesome
Brokaw: you vetted the potential veeps
Kennedy: well we used to usual criteria - who was white, male and tall
Brokaw: of course
Kennedy: also who had never ever had sex and often wore a flag pin
Brokaw: anything substantive?
Kennedy: yes we looked for someone who liked the Pope but was pro-choice; liked the poor but wouldn't scare the corporations
Brokaw: ok so with all those choices why Biden?
Kennedy: he has never been accused of a crime and appears to love his family
Brokaw: that's unusual but what put him over the top?
Kennedy: he could find Iran on a map
Brokaw: did Uncle Teddy or any of the others icons give an opinion?
Kennedy: irish catholic baby!!
Brokaw: did you help your dad choose LBJ?
Kennedy: yes i said he was a poopyhaid
Brokaw: what did Jack say
Kennedy: i don't remember but Bobby agreed with me
Brokaw: Biden once said something not positive about Obama!
Kennedy: yes and Biden is right about everything
Brokaw: McCain says we should trust Biden
Kennedy: well he says Obama should be president
Brokaw: touché
Brokaw: are you closing the door to running for office!!!??
Kennedy: you bore me you speech-defective sycophant
Brokaw: will you be Secretary of Education
Kennedy: probably
Brokaw: say hi to to the Last Action Hero for me
Kennedy: yeah I'll tell Tiny you gave him your best
[ break ]
Brokaw: People say Obama blinked - after all Biden's a card-carrying traitor - i mean - Democrat
Pelosi: oh i beg to pleasantly differ after all Biden is very smart and experienced - what's not to like?
Brokaw: he's not an anarchist i was hoping Obama would choose one of the Weatherman or Ted Kascynski
Pelosi: Biden was bomb-thrower he once held out for a strongly worded letter to MBNA
Brokaw: everybody hates Congress
Pelosi: yes well we said would end the war, raise the minimum wage, and enforce emission standards
Brokaw: why not
Pelosi: we are totally helpless in face of teh power of Bush's popularity
Brokaw: we all know offshore drilling is a fake but the whole county is convinced it will work
Pelosi: gee i wonder how that happened
Brokaw: beats me
Pelosi: Big Oil wants it
Brokaw: all well and good to wean off fossil fuels but in the meantime lets have an immediate solution like building oil platforms offshore
Pelosi: you're as dumb as you look
Brokaw: OMG you invested in natural gas!
Pelosi: so what i believe in it?
Brokaw: but you are in a position to influence it!
Pelosi: well it's a good idea
Brokaw: i was struck that you didn't mention Al Gore's position that we should harness the power of the Sun
Pelosi: oh Al - i tell you he is annoying - i was trying to enjoy a cocktail weenie the other night and he pulled it out of my hand yelling 'do you know how many polar bears died to wrap bacon and cheese around this tiny hot dog'!!??
Brokaw: he is a tedious fucker
Brokaw: pleez divide the party and bash the nominee over vice president
Pelosi: oh fuck off Tom
Brokaw: pleeeez
Pelosi: no
Brokaw: so-called polls support Obama on the economy but as well as know they are running for the office of Commander in Chief of the America People and he fails
Pelosi: well he was right on Iraq
Brokaw: but but but the polls!
Pelosi: bring it on your cotton-mouthed South Dakotan Villager
Brokaw: As well know The Surge Was Successful
Pelosi: was it?
Brokaw: YES!!
Pelosi: are you sure
Brokaw: goddammit i have piece of paper from the RNC do you think they would lie
Pelosi: didn't they say in a blast fax that Al Gore invented the internet
Brokaw: and that was true
Pelosi: [ reaches across table, slaps Post-It Note labeled "DUMBASS" on Brokaw's forehead ]
Brokaw: [ stares up at own forehead ]
Brokaw: Speaker when does life begin?
Pelosi: if a bunch of celibate old white men in medieval times couldn't figure it out what makes us think we possibly could?
Brokaw: wow that is a good point
Pelosi: then you have the freewheelin' supreme court
Brokaw: the Church now says it’s when sperm meets egg
Pelosi: what's their position on when molestation occurs?
Brokaw: i believe at the moment of conviction
[ break ]
Brokaw: Biden!!
Ifill: fehh a 65 year old white man
Brokaw: hey!
Ifill: eh - at least he reached out to the crackers
Brokaw: i couldn't believe the v.p democratic nominee criticized the GOP nominee after all he was a POW!!
Todd: wow Brokaw you really are a D.C. fucker aren't you - that sure didn't take long
Brokaw: for non partisan perspective here's Parson Meacham
Meacham: Obama raised himself and taught himself kung fu fighting in indonesia
Brokaw: Gotcha! I though he stood for passive surrender
Brokaw: Hillary!!
Todd: the Hillary votes are concerned about issues not personality
Brokaw: but then they should support Obama - it's a no brainer
Todd: well then they are concerned about whether Obama is ready
Brokaw: hmmmm
Todd: she has to tell America this guy is ready to Command white boys and girls
Meachem: people have a hard time envisioning Obama in the White House
Brokaw: well of course he's black
Obama: he's seems foreign
Brokaw: and muslim
Ifill: and they're so knee-jerk on drilling it's very unseemly
Brokaw: who among us doesn't want to drill off new york city
Todd: McCain always wins the daily news cycle i have no idea how that happens
Brokaw: no idea here
Meet The Press
August 24, 2008
Guests:
Caroline Kennedy
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi
***************************************************
Brokaw: Caroline we haven’t seen you since you rode a pony at the white house why come of out of hiding for Obama
Kennedy: cause he's totally awesome
Brokaw: you vetted the potential veeps
Kennedy: well we used to usual criteria - who was white, male and tall
Brokaw: of course
Kennedy: also who had never ever had sex and often wore a flag pin
Brokaw: anything substantive?
Kennedy: yes we looked for someone who liked the Pope but was pro-choice; liked the poor but wouldn't scare the corporations
Brokaw: ok so with all those choices why Biden?
Kennedy: he has never been accused of a crime and appears to love his family
Brokaw: that's unusual but what put him over the top?
Kennedy: he could find Iran on a map
Brokaw: did Uncle Teddy or any of the others icons give an opinion?
Kennedy: irish catholic baby!!
Brokaw: did you help your dad choose LBJ?
Kennedy: yes i said he was a poopyhaid
Brokaw: what did Jack say
Kennedy: i don't remember but Bobby agreed with me
Brokaw: Biden once said something not positive about Obama!
Kennedy: yes and Biden is right about everything
Brokaw: McCain says we should trust Biden
Kennedy: well he says Obama should be president
Brokaw: touché
Brokaw: are you closing the door to running for office!!!??
Kennedy: you bore me you speech-defective sycophant
Brokaw: will you be Secretary of Education
Kennedy: probably
Brokaw: say hi to to the Last Action Hero for me
Kennedy: yeah I'll tell Tiny you gave him your best
[ break ]
Brokaw: People say Obama blinked - after all Biden's a card-carrying traitor - i mean - Democrat
Pelosi: oh i beg to pleasantly differ after all Biden is very smart and experienced - what's not to like?
Brokaw: he's not an anarchist i was hoping Obama would choose one of the Weatherman or Ted Kascynski
Pelosi: Biden was bomb-thrower he once held out for a strongly worded letter to MBNA
Brokaw: everybody hates Congress
Pelosi: yes well we said would end the war, raise the minimum wage, and enforce emission standards
Brokaw: why not
Pelosi: we are totally helpless in face of teh power of Bush's popularity
Brokaw: we all know offshore drilling is a fake but the whole county is convinced it will work
Pelosi: gee i wonder how that happened
Brokaw: beats me
Pelosi: Big Oil wants it
Brokaw: all well and good to wean off fossil fuels but in the meantime lets have an immediate solution like building oil platforms offshore
Pelosi: you're as dumb as you look
Brokaw: OMG you invested in natural gas!
Pelosi: so what i believe in it?
Brokaw: but you are in a position to influence it!
Pelosi: well it's a good idea
Brokaw: i was struck that you didn't mention Al Gore's position that we should harness the power of the Sun
Pelosi: oh Al - i tell you he is annoying - i was trying to enjoy a cocktail weenie the other night and he pulled it out of my hand yelling 'do you know how many polar bears died to wrap bacon and cheese around this tiny hot dog'!!??
Brokaw: he is a tedious fucker
Brokaw: pleez divide the party and bash the nominee over vice president
Pelosi: oh fuck off Tom
Brokaw: pleeeez
Pelosi: no
Brokaw: so-called polls support Obama on the economy but as well as know they are running for the office of Commander in Chief of the America People and he fails
Pelosi: well he was right on Iraq
Brokaw: but but but the polls!
Pelosi: bring it on your cotton-mouthed South Dakotan Villager
Brokaw: As well know The Surge Was Successful
Pelosi: was it?
Brokaw: YES!!
Pelosi: are you sure
Brokaw: goddammit i have piece of paper from the RNC do you think they would lie
Pelosi: didn't they say in a blast fax that Al Gore invented the internet
Brokaw: and that was true
Pelosi: [ reaches across table, slaps Post-It Note labeled "DUMBASS" on Brokaw's forehead ]
Brokaw: [ stares up at own forehead ]
Brokaw: Speaker when does life begin?
Pelosi: if a bunch of celibate old white men in medieval times couldn't figure it out what makes us think we possibly could?
Brokaw: wow that is a good point
Pelosi: then you have the freewheelin' supreme court
Brokaw: the Church now says it’s when sperm meets egg
Pelosi: what's their position on when molestation occurs?
Brokaw: i believe at the moment of conviction
[ break ]
Brokaw: Biden!!
Ifill: fehh a 65 year old white man
Brokaw: hey!
Ifill: eh - at least he reached out to the crackers
Brokaw: i couldn't believe the v.p democratic nominee criticized the GOP nominee after all he was a POW!!
Todd: wow Brokaw you really are a D.C. fucker aren't you - that sure didn't take long
Brokaw: for non partisan perspective here's Parson Meacham
Meacham: Obama raised himself and taught himself kung fu fighting in indonesia
Brokaw: Gotcha! I though he stood for passive surrender
Brokaw: Hillary!!
Todd: the Hillary votes are concerned about issues not personality
Brokaw: but then they should support Obama - it's a no brainer
Todd: well then they are concerned about whether Obama is ready
Brokaw: hmmmm
Todd: she has to tell America this guy is ready to Command white boys and girls
Meachem: people have a hard time envisioning Obama in the White House
Brokaw: well of course he's black
Obama: he's seems foreign
Brokaw: and muslim
Ifill: and they're so knee-jerk on drilling it's very unseemly
Brokaw: who among us doesn't want to drill off new york city
Todd: McCain always wins the daily news cycle i have no idea how that happens
Brokaw: no idea here
The Chris Matthews Show - August 24, 2007
*******************************************
The Chris Matthews Show
August 24, 2008
********************************************
Ron Allen: Obama has a problem with old white men
Katty Kay: Biden is effective and he and he does it with humor
Tweety: the Velvet Revolver!
Cynthia Cottle: he’s ‘Joey from Scranton’
Chris: ‘Joey’ i love it
Kay: he's teh Kangaroo Kandidate
Stengel: when he puts his arm around the skinny white elitist its very American
Allen: his message to racist whites is calm the fuck down i know he looks funny but Barack Obama is one of us
Kay: but most Americans see the 30-year senator as an insider
Chris: no he's like me and Tim Russert we're all just a bunch of blue-collar workers
Kay: i'm suspicious
Chris: I've never seen him at one of Sally Quinn's key parties
Stengel: i love those
Chris: how does Obama remain Britney and also maintain the ‘wow factor’ and connect with the gas prices crowd
Stengel: Let Obama be Britney!
Chris: but McCain is the rich one
Allen: no no no Obama is the elitist i got the memo this morning!!!!
Chris: [ looks down ]
I see you are correct - today's memo says he is too cerebral to lead the largest nation on earth
Allen: I'm amazed that the elitist tag has stuck
Chris: Sally is very good
Stengel: Obama is fucked - his convention will go very well which will show how he is too popular
Chris: Let's talk about Bill Clinton!!
wow they all have prime time speaking roles let's talk about Jib Jab!!
Tweety: wow she is still calling him 'my opponent'
Allen: Real hillary supporters - real people - are still angry
Kay: it's still about her
Stengel: it's obama's fault for not vetting her
Chris: yes her supporters would be mollified by a symbolic token kabuki vetting
Cottle: her supporters are furious and want a day in the sun - also for Obama to graciously step aside in Denver
Chris: and that would satisfy them
Cottle: actually no
Kay: Obama is worried about such a flood of donations it will kill the internet
Tweety: yeah McCain has a problem too he has to take ten jars of heavy pennies to the bank
Cottle: picking Biden means McCain has to choose Romney not some dumbass like Huckabee
Stengel: ‘Time’ is having some crappy debate about national service like that will solve all our problems
Tweety: i love it - something no one can object to!!
Chris: GOP VP!!??
Kay: Romney for the economy
Allen: he has to think outside the box and choose a moderate like Lieberman
Stengel: he needs to choose a disruptive choice like a non-box thinking dude
Tweety: Brilliant!
Tweety: Thank god 4 Birch Bayh and title IX so our pretty ladies and beat up the world's pretty ladies!
The Chris Matthews Show
August 24, 2008
********************************************
Ron Allen: Obama has a problem with old white men
Katty Kay: Biden is effective and he and he does it with humor
Tweety: the Velvet Revolver!
Cynthia Cottle: he’s ‘Joey from Scranton’
Chris: ‘Joey’ i love it
Kay: he's teh Kangaroo Kandidate
Stengel: when he puts his arm around the skinny white elitist its very American
Allen: his message to racist whites is calm the fuck down i know he looks funny but Barack Obama is one of us
Kay: but most Americans see the 30-year senator as an insider
Chris: no he's like me and Tim Russert we're all just a bunch of blue-collar workers
Kay: i'm suspicious
Chris: I've never seen him at one of Sally Quinn's key parties
Stengel: i love those
Chris: how does Obama remain Britney and also maintain the ‘wow factor’ and connect with the gas prices crowd
Stengel: Let Obama be Britney!
Chris: but McCain is the rich one
Allen: no no no Obama is the elitist i got the memo this morning!!!!
Chris: [ looks down ]
I see you are correct - today's memo says he is too cerebral to lead the largest nation on earth
Allen: I'm amazed that the elitist tag has stuck
Chris: Sally is very good
Stengel: Obama is fucked - his convention will go very well which will show how he is too popular
Chris: Let's talk about Bill Clinton!!
wow they all have prime time speaking roles let's talk about Jib Jab!!
Tweety: wow she is still calling him 'my opponent'
Allen: Real hillary supporters - real people - are still angry
Kay: it's still about her
Stengel: it's obama's fault for not vetting her
Chris: yes her supporters would be mollified by a symbolic token kabuki vetting
Cottle: her supporters are furious and want a day in the sun - also for Obama to graciously step aside in Denver
Chris: and that would satisfy them
Cottle: actually no
Kay: Obama is worried about such a flood of donations it will kill the internet
Tweety: yeah McCain has a problem too he has to take ten jars of heavy pennies to the bank
Cottle: picking Biden means McCain has to choose Romney not some dumbass like Huckabee
Stengel: ‘Time’ is having some crappy debate about national service like that will solve all our problems
Tweety: i love it - something no one can object to!!
Chris: GOP VP!!??
Kay: Romney for the economy
Allen: he has to think outside the box and choose a moderate like Lieberman
Stengel: he needs to choose a disruptive choice like a non-box thinking dude
Tweety: Brilliant!
Tweety: Thank god 4 Birch Bayh and title IX so our pretty ladies and beat up the world's pretty ladies!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Barack Obama’s Announcemnt of Joe Biden as his candidate for Vice President
***********************************************
Obama's Introduction of Joe Biden as his Choice for Democratic Nominee for Vice President
Springfield, Illinois
August 23, 2008
Speakers:
Sen. Barack Obama
Sen. Joe Biden
***********************************************
Obama: Hellllloooooooo Springfield!!!
Obama: Are the Simpsons in teh House?!?!!!
Homer: woo-hoo!!!!!
Marge: Homey!!
Obama: Thanks Dick Durbin!
Bart: ha ha he said dick
Homer: hee hee hee
Lisa: [ rolls eyes]
Marge: Hmmmmmrrrrrrr
Obama: holy shit almost 2 years ago I said I was gonna be president and no one believed it
Crowd: yaaaaaaay
Obama: as i've traveled all across america i have realized this one truly fucked up nation
Crowd: yeah!!!
Obama: The Time for Change has come
Crowd: Wooooooooo!!!!
Obama: I've searched America for a decent capable old white man
and searched
and searched
Crowd: yay!!!
Obama: and i did not find that man -- so I finally picked Joe Biden
Crowd: whooooooooo!!!
Obama: he is uniquely suited to be my attack dog who is also acceptable to the D.C. media
Crowd: clap clap clap
Obama: Joe Biden was born in Buffalo to Tim Russert's father
this was so traumatic he developed a stutter
Crowd: [ laughs ]
Obama: then as a child he worked in the sweatshop paper mills of Dunder Mifflin
then became a single father which as we all know is a sign of elitism
and rides a train every day which as we all know is all about communism
Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaaaayyy!!
Obama: then he had brain aneurysm - let's face it, between living in Scranton, a childhood working in the Dunder Mifflin paper mill, and catholic school - the man has had it rough
Crowd: awwwwwwwwww
Obama: he looked Slobodan Milosovic in the eyes and told him he was a terrible dresser
he's met with dictators and been in war zones and he even went to Georgia and ate at the best Italian restaurant in Atlanta - the Olive Garden - that my friends is sacrifice
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaayyy!!!
Obama: He's a true statesman who has authored legislation and knows government and foreign affairs and the supreme court has met with world leaders and and done more than i have and that is why he is ready to have a job with no responsibilities whatsoever!!!
Crowd: WOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Obama: it is time for truly radical change - it is time to turn the page - it is time to rock the world - IT IS TIME FOR JOE BIDEN!!!
Crowd: [ clap clap clap ]
Obama: The Next President -- Bruce Springsteen!!!!!
Crowd: Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuceeeeee!!!!
Biden: i not only know how many houses i have i know where my feet are!!
Crowd: Yaaaayy!!!!!!
Biden: Barack is the son of a globe trotting do-gooding white woman and kenyan alcoholic muslim man -- just like me!
Crowd: Wooooo-hoooooo!!!
Biden: laddies and doods teh american dream is to grow up blue-collar and spend your life in teh senate and then run for a meaningless job under a black man half your age
Crowd: [ applause ]
Biden: i know you people are poor and hurting and bush-cheney are fucking you over
Crowd: right on!
Biden: laddies and gentlepersons let's face it there is one hell of a big Shitpile out there
Crowd: damm right!
Biden: i know you sit at the kitchen table and worry -- well John McCain has it worse than you do -- he can't decide which of his 7 tables to sit at
Crowd: HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Biden: but the good news we got the skinny guy from Chicago with the funny name
Biden: but we will succeed by telling people the truth
Crowd: no don't do that
Biden: there are 44 senators older than me
Crowd: holy shit
Biden: the reckoning is now
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaayy!!
Biden: i like John McCain but I'm afraid to say that John supports George Bush
Crowd: Oh noes!
Biden: hell he thinks Bush has been a good president
Crowd: noooooooooooo
Biden: he supported Stupid on Iraq
Crowd: OMG!!!!
Crowd: YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN
Biden: holy shit who are these crazy people
Biden: i like Barack America
Crowd: OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA
Biden: all right jeez
Biden: but i admit the guy kicked my ass in the primaries and he's got something good
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Biden: he's a clear eye pragmatist!!
Crowd: YEAAAAAAAH!!!
Biden: he fought against nukes and for ethics and wounded soldiers
Crowd: preach it brother
Biden: What can I say - there is something about this guy - I sure wish i had it but i don't and frankly it's amazing
Crowd: suck it peeps!!
Biden: Obama fought in Patton's army and won eight gold medals and will raise your kids in space
Obama: Boooo-yaaaaaaah!!!!
Biden: i'm here for the white people, the blue-collar workers, the lunch bucket carriers, the mullet wearers of America!!!
Crowd: amen!
Biden: This is America's time and may Jesus Mary and Joseph protect America's troops!!!
Crowd: BIII-DENN!!!! BIIII-DENN!!! BIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!!
Obama's Introduction of Joe Biden as his Choice for Democratic Nominee for Vice President
Springfield, Illinois
August 23, 2008
Speakers:
Sen. Barack Obama
Sen. Joe Biden
***********************************************
Obama: Hellllloooooooo Springfield!!!
Obama: Are the Simpsons in teh House?!?!!!
Homer: woo-hoo!!!!!
Marge: Homey!!
Obama: Thanks Dick Durbin!
Bart: ha ha he said dick
Homer: hee hee hee
Lisa: [ rolls eyes]
Marge: Hmmmmmrrrrrrr
Obama: holy shit almost 2 years ago I said I was gonna be president and no one believed it
Crowd: yaaaaaaay
Obama: as i've traveled all across america i have realized this one truly fucked up nation
Crowd: yeah!!!
Obama: The Time for Change has come
Crowd: Wooooooooo!!!!
Obama: I've searched America for a decent capable old white man
and searched
and searched
Crowd: yay!!!
Obama: and i did not find that man -- so I finally picked Joe Biden
Crowd: whooooooooo!!!
Obama: he is uniquely suited to be my attack dog who is also acceptable to the D.C. media
Crowd: clap clap clap
Obama: Joe Biden was born in Buffalo to Tim Russert's father
this was so traumatic he developed a stutter
Crowd: [ laughs ]
Obama: then as a child he worked in the sweatshop paper mills of Dunder Mifflin
then became a single father which as we all know is a sign of elitism
and rides a train every day which as we all know is all about communism
Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaaaayyy!!
Obama: then he had brain aneurysm - let's face it, between living in Scranton, a childhood working in the Dunder Mifflin paper mill, and catholic school - the man has had it rough
Crowd: awwwwwwwwww
Obama: he looked Slobodan Milosovic in the eyes and told him he was a terrible dresser
he's met with dictators and been in war zones and he even went to Georgia and ate at the best Italian restaurant in Atlanta - the Olive Garden - that my friends is sacrifice
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaayyy!!!
Obama: He's a true statesman who has authored legislation and knows government and foreign affairs and the supreme court has met with world leaders and and done more than i have and that is why he is ready to have a job with no responsibilities whatsoever!!!
Crowd: WOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Obama: it is time for truly radical change - it is time to turn the page - it is time to rock the world - IT IS TIME FOR JOE BIDEN!!!
Crowd: [ clap clap clap ]
Obama: The Next President -- Bruce Springsteen!!!!!
Crowd: Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuceeeeee!!!!
Biden: i not only know how many houses i have i know where my feet are!!
Crowd: Yaaaayy!!!!!!
Biden: Barack is the son of a globe trotting do-gooding white woman and kenyan alcoholic muslim man -- just like me!
Crowd: Wooooo-hoooooo!!!
Biden: laddies and doods teh american dream is to grow up blue-collar and spend your life in teh senate and then run for a meaningless job under a black man half your age
Crowd: [ applause ]
Biden: i know you people are poor and hurting and bush-cheney are fucking you over
Crowd: right on!
Biden: laddies and gentlepersons let's face it there is one hell of a big Shitpile out there
Crowd: damm right!
Biden: i know you sit at the kitchen table and worry -- well John McCain has it worse than you do -- he can't decide which of his 7 tables to sit at
Crowd: HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Biden: but the good news we got the skinny guy from Chicago with the funny name
Biden: but we will succeed by telling people the truth
Crowd: no don't do that
Biden: there are 44 senators older than me
Crowd: holy shit
Biden: the reckoning is now
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaayy!!
Biden: i like John McCain but I'm afraid to say that John supports George Bush
Crowd: Oh noes!
Biden: hell he thinks Bush has been a good president
Crowd: noooooooooooo
Biden: he supported Stupid on Iraq
Crowd: OMG!!!!
Crowd: YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN
Biden: holy shit who are these crazy people
Biden: i like Barack America
Crowd: OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA
Biden: all right jeez
Biden: but i admit the guy kicked my ass in the primaries and he's got something good
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Biden: he's a clear eye pragmatist!!
Crowd: YEAAAAAAAH!!!
Biden: he fought against nukes and for ethics and wounded soldiers
Crowd: preach it brother
Biden: What can I say - there is something about this guy - I sure wish i had it but i don't and frankly it's amazing
Crowd: suck it peeps!!
Biden: Obama fought in Patton's army and won eight gold medals and will raise your kids in space
Obama: Boooo-yaaaaaaah!!!!
Biden: i'm here for the white people, the blue-collar workers, the lunch bucket carriers, the mullet wearers of America!!!
Crowd: amen!
Biden: This is America's time and may Jesus Mary and Joseph protect America's troops!!!
Crowd: BIII-DENN!!!! BIIII-DENN!!! BIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Olympic Opening Ceremonies - Bobblespeak Special Edition
********************************************************
Olympic Opening Ceremonies
Hosts:
Bob Costas
Matt Lauer
***********************************************
Costas: I tell you if you can’t see this is is amazing
Lauer: we’re not on the radio Bob
Costas: so
Lauer: so anyone listening is watching too
Costas: and now, and all-star tribute to the Cultural Revolution, starring Jet Li and Chow Yun Fat
Lauer: these little lights represent the 50 million people who starved to death under Mao.
Costas: the chinese invented the kite
Lauer: i thought that was benjamin franklin
Costas: i dont think he was chinese
Lauer: well what did he invent
Costas: i think the stove or the franklin mint
Lauer: i like mints on my pillow
Costas: hey look the people are forming the shape of refugees displaced by the three gorges dam
Lauer: you can’t say dam on tv dammit
Costas: now they are doing tai chi
Lauer: Starbucks sells that milk and sugar
Costas: the Chinese are now waving their arms for our visually impaired viewers
Lauer: I think I mr. miagyi
Costas: wax on wax off
Lauer: wow its like a big quentin tarantino movie
Costas: water is important
Lauer: i like water mixed with scotch
Costas: this may be lost on some viewers but i'm not wearing pants
Lauer: oooh karate
Costas: no that's japanese
Lauer: ok then tae kwon do
Costas: try again genius
Lauer: judo
Costas: one more
Lauer: ju jitsu?
[ hits him with a rolled up newspaper ]
Costas: even more masses of orientals doing martial arts
Lauer: I’m officially scared now
Costas: this is - as they say - vaguely threatening
Lauer: i want my mommy
Costas: this is the space version of the program
Lauer: the chinese are going to take over the moon
Costas: oh noes
Lauer: hey look a tribute to the mother ship from Close Encounters
Costas: oh goody sarah brightman
Lauer: now finally we get some real culture
Costas: now they are holding up pictures of all the chinese babies adopted by americans
Lauer: wow there are thousands of them
Costas: and that's just angelia jolie
Costas: this is china's finest moment
Lauer: that and the invention of kung pao chicken
Costas: nobody puts General Tso in a corner!
Costas: and here are the caymans
Lauer: a cayman bit my sister
Costas: leading for the Cayman Islands is ken lay
Costas: oh thank god a safe topic - here's Israel
Lauer: the japanese have an old guy who's an equestrian
Costas: that dood from Letters from Iwo Jima?
Costas: Taiwan has it's own special flag due its controversial status
Lauer: just like the confederate states had their own flag in 1996
Costas: there's an old white guy on Gambia's team
Lauer: is that john McCain?
Costas: Mayor Daley is here to get tips
Lauer: on hosting teh games?
Costas: no rigging elections
Costas: here's saint lucia
Lauer: where? i don't see her
Costas: there's Djibouti
Lauer: thanks for noticing bob, i've been working out
Costas: how will they light the flame this year?
Lauer: we all recall 1996 when they fired Muhammad Ali through the air - that was beautiful
Costas: here's lithuania
Lauer: they clearly just came from a frat party
Costas: here is niger
Lauer: [ looks down at cue card ]
Oh man that was a close one!
Costas: here's lichtenstein
Lauer: when they run into san marino they're gonna throw down
Costas: look here are the people left alive in Iraq
Lauer: Bush is applauding their survival of his brutal regime
Costas: no one loves iran
Lauer: no nukes for you!
Costas: Hungary!
Lauer: no thanks i just ate
Costas: here's the DR
Lauer: good i have a tummy ache
Costas: here's Tonga
Lauer: i love their trucks
Costas: wow wimmin in Jordan
Lauer: Be like Mike
Costas: Finland!
Lauer: the President of Finland is really hot
Costas: POFILF!
Costas: where's suriname?
Lauer: it's Lauer bob you know that
Costas: Yes, nothing says Olympic athlete like a MacDonald's supersized meal
Lauer: Latvia appears to have borrowed their uniforms from Burger King
Costas: Kazakhstan, holy fuck -- it's like a kid's birthday party meets project runway!
Costas: Here's the Czech republic, another nation McCain has never heard of
Costas: El Salvador's flag bearer was chosen through on online poll
Lauer: i was wondering what stephen colbert was doing there
Costas: Vietnam's flag bearer offered to free John McCain 40 years ago and he said no
Lauer: we've all had a guest we can't get to leave
Costas: here's the team from Fiji
Lauer: i didn't know corporations got to have teams
Costas: and here's Montenegro
Lauer: whew - another close one!
Costas: and here's the cast from 'Lost'
Lauer: i didn't know they had their own country
Costas: oh yes it's all legal
Lauer: look new zealand
Costas: why is he dressed like the Hawkmen from Flash Gordon?
Lauer: i do not know
Costas: I don't think Moldova ever got over the massacre of Dynasty
Lauer: Hu Jintao just slipped Bush 20 bucks.
Costas: folks Yao Ming just beat Matt Lauer to death with his microphone.
Chinese Organizer: yes i am speaking in Chinese then English, but your grandchildren will speak Chinese then English
Costas: Good night everyone I’m terrified
Olympic Opening Ceremonies
Hosts:
Bob Costas
Matt Lauer
***********************************************
Costas: I tell you if you can’t see this is is amazing
Lauer: we’re not on the radio Bob
Costas: so
Lauer: so anyone listening is watching too
Costas: and now, and all-star tribute to the Cultural Revolution, starring Jet Li and Chow Yun Fat
Lauer: these little lights represent the 50 million people who starved to death under Mao.
Costas: the chinese invented the kite
Lauer: i thought that was benjamin franklin
Costas: i dont think he was chinese
Lauer: well what did he invent
Costas: i think the stove or the franklin mint
Lauer: i like mints on my pillow
Costas: hey look the people are forming the shape of refugees displaced by the three gorges dam
Lauer: you can’t say dam on tv dammit
Costas: now they are doing tai chi
Lauer: Starbucks sells that milk and sugar
Costas: the Chinese are now waving their arms for our visually impaired viewers
Lauer: I think I mr. miagyi
Costas: wax on wax off
Lauer: wow its like a big quentin tarantino movie
Costas: water is important
Lauer: i like water mixed with scotch
Costas: this may be lost on some viewers but i'm not wearing pants
Lauer: oooh karate
Costas: no that's japanese
Lauer: ok then tae kwon do
Costas: try again genius
Lauer: judo
Costas: one more
Lauer: ju jitsu?
[ hits him with a rolled up newspaper ]
Costas: even more masses of orientals doing martial arts
Lauer: I’m officially scared now
Costas: this is - as they say - vaguely threatening
Lauer: i want my mommy
Costas: this is the space version of the program
Lauer: the chinese are going to take over the moon
Costas: oh noes
Lauer: hey look a tribute to the mother ship from Close Encounters
Costas: oh goody sarah brightman
Lauer: now finally we get some real culture
Costas: now they are holding up pictures of all the chinese babies adopted by americans
Lauer: wow there are thousands of them
Costas: and that's just angelia jolie
Costas: this is china's finest moment
Lauer: that and the invention of kung pao chicken
Costas: nobody puts General Tso in a corner!
Costas: and here are the caymans
Lauer: a cayman bit my sister
Costas: leading for the Cayman Islands is ken lay
Costas: oh thank god a safe topic - here's Israel
Lauer: the japanese have an old guy who's an equestrian
Costas: that dood from Letters from Iwo Jima?
Costas: Taiwan has it's own special flag due its controversial status
Lauer: just like the confederate states had their own flag in 1996
Costas: there's an old white guy on Gambia's team
Lauer: is that john McCain?
Costas: Mayor Daley is here to get tips
Lauer: on hosting teh games?
Costas: no rigging elections
Costas: here's saint lucia
Lauer: where? i don't see her
Costas: there's Djibouti
Lauer: thanks for noticing bob, i've been working out
Costas: how will they light the flame this year?
Lauer: we all recall 1996 when they fired Muhammad Ali through the air - that was beautiful
Costas: here's lithuania
Lauer: they clearly just came from a frat party
Costas: here is niger
Lauer: [ looks down at cue card ]
Oh man that was a close one!
Costas: here's lichtenstein
Lauer: when they run into san marino they're gonna throw down
Costas: look here are the people left alive in Iraq
Lauer: Bush is applauding their survival of his brutal regime
Costas: no one loves iran
Lauer: no nukes for you!
Costas: Hungary!
Lauer: no thanks i just ate
Costas: here's the DR
Lauer: good i have a tummy ache
Costas: here's Tonga
Lauer: i love their trucks
Costas: wow wimmin in Jordan
Lauer: Be like Mike
Costas: Finland!
Lauer: the President of Finland is really hot
Costas: POFILF!
Costas: where's suriname?
Lauer: it's Lauer bob you know that
Costas: Yes, nothing says Olympic athlete like a MacDonald's supersized meal
Lauer: Latvia appears to have borrowed their uniforms from Burger King
Costas: Kazakhstan, holy fuck -- it's like a kid's birthday party meets project runway!
Costas: Here's the Czech republic, another nation McCain has never heard of
Costas: El Salvador's flag bearer was chosen through on online poll
Lauer: i was wondering what stephen colbert was doing there
Costas: Vietnam's flag bearer offered to free John McCain 40 years ago and he said no
Lauer: we've all had a guest we can't get to leave
Costas: here's the team from Fiji
Lauer: i didn't know corporations got to have teams
Costas: and here's Montenegro
Lauer: whew - another close one!
Costas: and here's the cast from 'Lost'
Lauer: i didn't know they had their own country
Costas: oh yes it's all legal
Lauer: look new zealand
Costas: why is he dressed like the Hawkmen from Flash Gordon?
Lauer: i do not know
Costas: I don't think Moldova ever got over the massacre of Dynasty
Lauer: Hu Jintao just slipped Bush 20 bucks.
Costas: folks Yao Ming just beat Matt Lauer to death with his microphone.
Chinese Organizer: yes i am speaking in Chinese then English, but your grandchildren will speak Chinese then English
Costas: Good night everyone I’m terrified
Sunday, August 10, 2008
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - August 10, 2008
********************************************
This Week with George Stephanopoulos
August 10, 2008
Guest Host: Jake Tapper
Guests: Gov. Bill Richardson and Gov. Bobby Jindal
******************************************************
Tapper: hi in case you don't who the fuck i am - do not change your channel and watch women's dodgeball -- i'm jake tapper
Audience: hi jake
Tapper: why do you hate america, america?
Audience: booooo
Tapper: Ok Bill-o what's up with Georgia
Richardson: we should go to the Security Council and get them to tell Russia to stop it
Tapper: but they're on the Security Council and can veto that
Richardson: see what a bad idea it is??
Tapper: But isn't John McCain right about everything - shouldn't we resort to name-calling and issue empty threats for all international problems?
Richardson: or we could try negotiation and diplomacy and see if we can get friends to help us
Tapper: oh fuck friendship - that's for weenies
Richardson: sure Tappy
Tapper: omg god this is a serious crisis is it really appropriate to point out that John McCain's top policy guy took money from Georgia while discussing a crisis in Georgia??
Richardson: you're right i apologize - but Obama will bring together unlike Senator McLobbyist
Tapper: Is John Edwards’ career over??
Richardson: oh sure John McCain committed adultery and his career was pretty much destroyed
Tapper: no fair - it's different he's a Republican no one expects them be moral
Richardson: yeah I figured that out
Tapper: if we had drilled offshore 10 years ago we would reap benefits of great lower gas prices right now - isn't the energy crisis all Bill Clinton's fault??
Richardson: thank you for editorializing on behalf of the McCain campaign this morning it saves time
Tapper: you’re welcome
Tapper: what do Hillary supporters want?
Richardson: hell if I know - Hillary wants money and I'm helping her get it
Tapper: Bobby Jindal is Barack Obama an agent of the Kremlin?
Jindal: yes
Tapper: what else
Jindal: he's too young - who can trust him??
Tapper: so are you
Jindal: exactly who on earth would you trust me??
Tapper: McCain says Obama voted for a pork barrel energy bill that you also voted for
Jindal: that was a great bill - there was lots of money that saved coastlines
Tapper: so why did McCain vote against it
Jindal: he's a maverick!
Tapper: should we drill in the Arctic or not?
Jindal: hell yeah - my state is despoiled we should be the only ones to suffer??
Tapper: so McCain is wrong
Jindal: no he's embraced solar energy
Tapper: so should we put solar panels back on the white house?
Jindal: hell no that would surrender to the Heliofascist Conspiracy
Tapper: Democrats in Louisiana are racist but isn't the McCain wallowing in that shit too?
Jindal: of course - but I'm supporting McCain because i'm a loony and i resent the implication that a brown person can't be just as crazy as a white Republican
Tapper: sorry
Jindal: that’s better!
Tapper: should Obama cockpunch McCain?
Will: no Obama is haughty and pretentious and has grandeur
Tapper: seen a mirror lately George?
Cokie: he is the worst whippersnapper ever to darken my home city - what is he doing in a foreign exotic place like the set of Lost?? oh my stars!!!
[ whips out fan and pearls ]
Clarke: oh calm down cokie
Tapper: tire gauges - Torie!!
Clarke: this is ridiculous - all i know is people should inflate their tires and Obama is a silly person
Bye: there is no such thing as right or wrong -- i will simply repeat the campaign talking points
Cokie: this is horrible even Lindsay Graham undercut my best friend John McCain
Tapper: what the fuck does McCain believe anyway?
Will: McCain's charm is that he doesn't believe anything - he just reacts on instinct
Cokie: that's what we need - a true break from the Bush administration!
Cokie: no one likes self-righteousness
Tapper: seen a mirror lately Cokie??
Tapper: Edwards!!
Torie: women cheat too - but female politicians have already scarificed too much to get where they are whereas men see fooling around as a perk of the office
Will: why didn't the press report on this unknown fake non-story before?
Tapper: maybe they didn't know or care
Will: if the press had reported on that fucker FDR's wheelchair we would have been spared that damm New Deal
Bye: this is just like Larry Craig although he committed a crime
Cokie: Edwards is news because he might have been attorney general under Obama and we can't have an AG with a wandering penis
Will: Obama is too soft on Russia they are an evil empire
Tapper: but Bush was hugging Putin at the Olympics
Torie: true but Bill Richardson has a beard and is fat
Cokie: why don't we rush to Georgia's aid and send troops now??
Will: i loved the attack on the Falklands we should do that again
Cokie: Obama needs to surround himself with a white-haired respected guy like Nunn -- i just don't trust that dood
Tori: Nunn- give me a break
Tapper: does Evan Bayh provide gravitas
Cokie: i like Evan Bayh
Will: Bayh or be radical and choose Biden
Tori: yes it must be Bayh
Tapper: Bayh it is - Barack -- The DC Beltway Establishment has spoken
Obama: [watching tv at home in Hawaii]
oh well fuck all of you then
This Week with George Stephanopoulos
August 10, 2008
Guest Host: Jake Tapper
Guests: Gov. Bill Richardson and Gov. Bobby Jindal
******************************************************
Tapper: hi in case you don't who the fuck i am - do not change your channel and watch women's dodgeball -- i'm jake tapper
Audience: hi jake
Tapper: why do you hate america, america?
Audience: booooo
Tapper: Ok Bill-o what's up with Georgia
Richardson: we should go to the Security Council and get them to tell Russia to stop it
Tapper: but they're on the Security Council and can veto that
Richardson: see what a bad idea it is??
Tapper: But isn't John McCain right about everything - shouldn't we resort to name-calling and issue empty threats for all international problems?
Richardson: or we could try negotiation and diplomacy and see if we can get friends to help us
Tapper: oh fuck friendship - that's for weenies
Richardson: sure Tappy
Tapper: omg god this is a serious crisis is it really appropriate to point out that John McCain's top policy guy took money from Georgia while discussing a crisis in Georgia??
Richardson: you're right i apologize - but Obama will bring together unlike Senator McLobbyist
Tapper: Is John Edwards’ career over??
Richardson: oh sure John McCain committed adultery and his career was pretty much destroyed
Tapper: no fair - it's different he's a Republican no one expects them be moral
Richardson: yeah I figured that out
Tapper: if we had drilled offshore 10 years ago we would reap benefits of great lower gas prices right now - isn't the energy crisis all Bill Clinton's fault??
Richardson: thank you for editorializing on behalf of the McCain campaign this morning it saves time
Tapper: you’re welcome
Tapper: what do Hillary supporters want?
Richardson: hell if I know - Hillary wants money and I'm helping her get it
Tapper: Bobby Jindal is Barack Obama an agent of the Kremlin?
Jindal: yes
Tapper: what else
Jindal: he's too young - who can trust him??
Tapper: so are you
Jindal: exactly who on earth would you trust me??
Tapper: McCain says Obama voted for a pork barrel energy bill that you also voted for
Jindal: that was a great bill - there was lots of money that saved coastlines
Tapper: so why did McCain vote against it
Jindal: he's a maverick!
Tapper: should we drill in the Arctic or not?
Jindal: hell yeah - my state is despoiled we should be the only ones to suffer??
Tapper: so McCain is wrong
Jindal: no he's embraced solar energy
Tapper: so should we put solar panels back on the white house?
Jindal: hell no that would surrender to the Heliofascist Conspiracy
Tapper: Democrats in Louisiana are racist but isn't the McCain wallowing in that shit too?
Jindal: of course - but I'm supporting McCain because i'm a loony and i resent the implication that a brown person can't be just as crazy as a white Republican
Tapper: sorry
Jindal: that’s better!
Tapper: should Obama cockpunch McCain?
Will: no Obama is haughty and pretentious and has grandeur
Tapper: seen a mirror lately George?
Cokie: he is the worst whippersnapper ever to darken my home city - what is he doing in a foreign exotic place like the set of Lost?? oh my stars!!!
[ whips out fan and pearls ]
Clarke: oh calm down cokie
Tapper: tire gauges - Torie!!
Clarke: this is ridiculous - all i know is people should inflate their tires and Obama is a silly person
Bye: there is no such thing as right or wrong -- i will simply repeat the campaign talking points
Cokie: this is horrible even Lindsay Graham undercut my best friend John McCain
Tapper: what the fuck does McCain believe anyway?
Will: McCain's charm is that he doesn't believe anything - he just reacts on instinct
Cokie: that's what we need - a true break from the Bush administration!
Cokie: no one likes self-righteousness
Tapper: seen a mirror lately Cokie??
Tapper: Edwards!!
Torie: women cheat too - but female politicians have already scarificed too much to get where they are whereas men see fooling around as a perk of the office
Will: why didn't the press report on this unknown fake non-story before?
Tapper: maybe they didn't know or care
Will: if the press had reported on that fucker FDR's wheelchair we would have been spared that damm New Deal
Bye: this is just like Larry Craig although he committed a crime
Cokie: Edwards is news because he might have been attorney general under Obama and we can't have an AG with a wandering penis
Will: Obama is too soft on Russia they are an evil empire
Tapper: but Bush was hugging Putin at the Olympics
Torie: true but Bill Richardson has a beard and is fat
Cokie: why don't we rush to Georgia's aid and send troops now??
Will: i loved the attack on the Falklands we should do that again
Cokie: Obama needs to surround himself with a white-haired respected guy like Nunn -- i just don't trust that dood
Tori: Nunn- give me a break
Tapper: does Evan Bayh provide gravitas
Cokie: i like Evan Bayh
Will: Bayh or be radical and choose Biden
Tori: yes it must be Bayh
Tapper: Bayh it is - Barack -- The DC Beltway Establishment has spoken
Obama: [watching tv at home in Hawaii]
oh well fuck all of you then
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Meet the Press with Joe Lieberman and John Kerry - August 3, 2007
*****************************
Meet The Press
August 3, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guests:
Sen. John Kerry
Sen. Joe Lieberman
*****************************
Brokaw: So holy Joe Saint McCain says we should have a respectful campaign but then we have an ad with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton - is that respectful?
Lieberman: oh it's definitely respectful - but if it isn't people should lie back and relax enjoy it - but we compare him to Moses which is a compliment - but if it isn't then people should get a sense of humor
Brokaw: ok that's stupid
Lieberman: but this is a very very serious the ad goes to a very specific point - which is that Obama is popular in Germany and other countries and we can't have that in an international war against terror
Brokaw: it seems like a stupid cheap mudslinging ad
Lieberman: no it has a very serious point - by having Britney Spears in it it shows that Obama is not in favor of offshore drilling!!
Kerry: they have decided they can't win on the issues so they've decided to take the low road of silly insults
Lieberman: no it's an ad that says we must elevate America's values by not electing a popular black man
Brokaw: Obama played the race card and you know it - that's what the dollar bill comment was
Kerry: no he said they are scaring the American people which McCain and Rove are doing
Lieberman: look it's obvious -- how can a man who commands crowds of 200,000 lead people?
Brokaw: but Wes Clark said being in a plane as it falls out of the sky is not a qualification for President
Kerry: well of course i disagree
Lieberman: McCain obeys the law of gravity whereas Obama floats above the earth - how can you trust him??
Brokaw: Obama flip-flopped on offshore drilling the liberal bloggers are gonna be mad!!
Kerry: it's a carefully circumcised proposal
Lieberman: ouch!
Kerry: Exxon made a trillion dollars last month
Lieberman: that's outrageous - but the point is that we are in a crisis and McCain has strength of decision -- he will rapidly make crazy-ass decisions while Obama will think about and use evidence and that will tell you what kind of President they both will be
Kerry: that's right McCain is an irrational whacko and Obama thinks carefully
Liberman: but that's American oil!!!
Obama is a bad man and i know John McCain and he is not a bigot
Kerry: high praise indeed from Holy Joe
Brokaw: Is John McCain Stupid?
Lieberman: McCain is all Male - believe me I know
Brokaw: he's lying and running an inept campaign
Lieberman: here's why I'm voting for him - he is not a partisan and he's really really old
Lieberman: he may raise taxes but he will break through partisan gridlock by running ads comparing his opponents to David Cook and Reese Witherspoon
Brokaw: admit it Frenchy the Surge worked
Kerry: no there were no surge troops until after the Anbar Awkening
Brokaw: well I will editorialize here now and disagree with you
Lieberman: John Kerry clearly hate the troops
Kerry: Maliki wants us to leave
Lieberman: no he doesn't
Brokaw: who can say?
Kerry: Obama was right about everything
Lieberman: Obama wants us to lose the war
Kerry: there's no political reconciliation
Lieberove: yes there is
Brokaw: that's right
Lieberman: Let me just say Obama doesn't care if we lose the war - also I hate mudslinging
[ break ]
Brokaw: how great was that Paris Hilton ad?
Murphy: it's incredibly stupid
Brokaw: is McCain fucked?
Murphy: no one will care about Obama's better makeup and mascara they will turn to a genuine dude like McCain
Todd: hitting Obama as a soft effete elitist is brilliant
Brokaw: no downside?
Todd: McCain wants to be Obama-lite and he isn't that
Brokaw: on noe
Todd: you can attack Obama for being ignorant and saying empty platitudes -- but that's what McCain does too!
Brokaw: so what's the lesson?
Todd: that the real election this year was between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama
Brokaw: How will Bill Clinton help Obama win?
Todd: by going to Africa
Woodruff: vice president - blah blah blah
Brokaw: Obama said he wants someone with integrity
Woodruff: well that rules out most of Washington
Brokaw: could it be Kaine?
Mitchell: yes but he once had a beard
Brokaw: just like lindsay graham
Mitchell: if Bill Clinton sticks around he overshadows Obama but if he's not around it shows disdain
Todd: choosing an elder statesman makes the candidate looks bad
Mitchell: Biden was not invited to Obama's birthday party because he hogs all the attention
Woodruff: criminy Spiro Agnew was on a ticket that won Obama could choose Ted Kascynzski and still win
Brokaw: actually it would help him carry Montana
Murphy: McCain is weak on defense so he should choose someone young and exciting like Bob Gates
Woodruff: speaking of vice president Obama flip flopped on drilling offshore
Todd: People will not give up their gas!!!
Mitchell: Alan Greenspan told me told me the unwashed masses are feeling it
Murphy: experts differ on whether drilling would bring down prices but the people love it
Brokaw: The Conventions!
Todd: Hagel and Clinton - there's a double header!
Mitchell: Lieberman can carry the jews of Florida when he speaks at the Convention
Brokaw: I’m bored give me your vice president picks
Woodruff: Bayh or Biden
Todd: Kaine or Bayh
Mitchell: Romeny
Murphy: Kaine
Woodfurff: Pawlenty or Kantor
Brokaw: oarsome
Meet The Press
August 3, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guests:
Sen. John Kerry
Sen. Joe Lieberman
*****************************
Brokaw: So holy Joe Saint McCain says we should have a respectful campaign but then we have an ad with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton - is that respectful?
Lieberman: oh it's definitely respectful - but if it isn't people should lie back and relax enjoy it - but we compare him to Moses which is a compliment - but if it isn't then people should get a sense of humor
Brokaw: ok that's stupid
Lieberman: but this is a very very serious the ad goes to a very specific point - which is that Obama is popular in Germany and other countries and we can't have that in an international war against terror
Brokaw: it seems like a stupid cheap mudslinging ad
Lieberman: no it has a very serious point - by having Britney Spears in it it shows that Obama is not in favor of offshore drilling!!
Kerry: they have decided they can't win on the issues so they've decided to take the low road of silly insults
Lieberman: no it's an ad that says we must elevate America's values by not electing a popular black man
Brokaw: Obama played the race card and you know it - that's what the dollar bill comment was
Kerry: no he said they are scaring the American people which McCain and Rove are doing
Lieberman: look it's obvious -- how can a man who commands crowds of 200,000 lead people?
Brokaw: but Wes Clark said being in a plane as it falls out of the sky is not a qualification for President
Kerry: well of course i disagree
Lieberman: McCain obeys the law of gravity whereas Obama floats above the earth - how can you trust him??
Brokaw: Obama flip-flopped on offshore drilling the liberal bloggers are gonna be mad!!
Kerry: it's a carefully circumcised proposal
Lieberman: ouch!
Kerry: Exxon made a trillion dollars last month
Lieberman: that's outrageous - but the point is that we are in a crisis and McCain has strength of decision -- he will rapidly make crazy-ass decisions while Obama will think about and use evidence and that will tell you what kind of President they both will be
Kerry: that's right McCain is an irrational whacko and Obama thinks carefully
Liberman: but that's American oil!!!
Obama is a bad man and i know John McCain and he is not a bigot
Kerry: high praise indeed from Holy Joe
Brokaw: Is John McCain Stupid?
Lieberman: McCain is all Male - believe me I know
Brokaw: he's lying and running an inept campaign
Lieberman: here's why I'm voting for him - he is not a partisan and he's really really old
Lieberman: he may raise taxes but he will break through partisan gridlock by running ads comparing his opponents to David Cook and Reese Witherspoon
Brokaw: admit it Frenchy the Surge worked
Kerry: no there were no surge troops until after the Anbar Awkening
Brokaw: well I will editorialize here now and disagree with you
Lieberman: John Kerry clearly hate the troops
Kerry: Maliki wants us to leave
Lieberman: no he doesn't
Brokaw: who can say?
Kerry: Obama was right about everything
Lieberman: Obama wants us to lose the war
Kerry: there's no political reconciliation
Lieberove: yes there is
Brokaw: that's right
Lieberman: Let me just say Obama doesn't care if we lose the war - also I hate mudslinging
[ break ]
Brokaw: how great was that Paris Hilton ad?
Murphy: it's incredibly stupid
Brokaw: is McCain fucked?
Murphy: no one will care about Obama's better makeup and mascara they will turn to a genuine dude like McCain
Todd: hitting Obama as a soft effete elitist is brilliant
Brokaw: no downside?
Todd: McCain wants to be Obama-lite and he isn't that
Brokaw: on noe
Todd: you can attack Obama for being ignorant and saying empty platitudes -- but that's what McCain does too!
Brokaw: so what's the lesson?
Todd: that the real election this year was between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama
Brokaw: How will Bill Clinton help Obama win?
Todd: by going to Africa
Woodruff: vice president - blah blah blah
Brokaw: Obama said he wants someone with integrity
Woodruff: well that rules out most of Washington
Brokaw: could it be Kaine?
Mitchell: yes but he once had a beard
Brokaw: just like lindsay graham
Mitchell: if Bill Clinton sticks around he overshadows Obama but if he's not around it shows disdain
Todd: choosing an elder statesman makes the candidate looks bad
Mitchell: Biden was not invited to Obama's birthday party because he hogs all the attention
Woodruff: criminy Spiro Agnew was on a ticket that won Obama could choose Ted Kascynzski and still win
Brokaw: actually it would help him carry Montana
Murphy: McCain is weak on defense so he should choose someone young and exciting like Bob Gates
Woodruff: speaking of vice president Obama flip flopped on drilling offshore
Todd: People will not give up their gas!!!
Mitchell: Alan Greenspan told me told me the unwashed masses are feeling it
Murphy: experts differ on whether drilling would bring down prices but the people love it
Brokaw: The Conventions!
Todd: Hagel and Clinton - there's a double header!
Mitchell: Lieberman can carry the jews of Florida when he speaks at the Convention
Brokaw: I’m bored give me your vice president picks
Woodruff: Bayh or Biden
Todd: Kaine or Bayh
Mitchell: Romeny
Murphy: Kaine
Woodfurff: Pawlenty or Kantor
Brokaw: oarsome
The Chris Matthews Show - August 3, 2008
*****************************
The Chris Matthews Show
August 3, 2008
*****************************
Matthews: what should Obama do?
Robinson: bring 15 guys home from Iraq
Borger: bring black power into the white house
Klein: he can't end the war and fix the economy he must choose
Bumilller: politics is real and he must deal
Tweety: i love it!
Klein: but this is different from Bill Clinton because everyone hates Republicans
Tweety: except for you because you say liberals hate america
Klein: right i'm in the middle - i'm neither a lying fuckward or a dirty hippie
Robinson: doods the Democrats might also win the house and Senate and feel their oats
Tweety: that's a lot of power
Klein: that's a lot of red diapers
Tweety: what if it's a Dem landslide in Congress and the White House
Borger: that is very bad news for the Dems and Obama
Bumiller: Obama has to solve peace in the middle east
Klein: how could Obama allow Pakistan to have nukes and terrorists???
Tweety: will Obama pleez work with the Republicans??
Borger: yes if he is willing to compromise - after all there are two sides to every story the GOP and the truth - both are legit
Klein: GOP freak out!
Borger: people are voting for the end of gridlock
Bumiller: no they are voting for an end to the war and the Bush years
Tweety: Lieberman is campaigning for the Republicans - wow his timing is impeccable
Borger: Dems to the left of Hagel seem him as a traitor
Bumiller: he has a three-way with McCain and Graham
Klein: he’s John McCain's Zelig Miller
Tweety: wow McCain is a maverick!!
Tweety: but Nasty Mean Democrats won't work with the war hero!!
Klein: they won't like him because the only way McCain can win is lying and racism
Tweety: but he's a romantic guy and he will be one of our Great Presidents!
Bumiller: that's not the word I would use
Borger: McCain is bipartian and Obama is a terrible mean nasty liberal
Bumiller: McCain always keeps his promises
Klein: McCain is a Bull Moose
Robinson: he's got the bull down
Borger: it depends which McCain shows up the POW -good McCain or the mean-McCain
Robinson: umm, who gives a shit - it's not as if he's going to be President for gawd's sake
Tweety: true but there are 2 sides to every story - the truth and the falsehood that McCain can win
Borger: New Mexico, Nevada, Colorado will be the new battlegrounds
Tweety: who wins?
Borger: i don't know - that's the point
Robinson: the economy will decide this election
Tweety: wow good news for McCain!
Robinson: you keep telling yourself that chirpy
Klein: there's a tidal wave of young black voters!!
Tweety: oh noes a bad sample!
The Chris Matthews Show
August 3, 2008
*****************************
Matthews: what should Obama do?
Robinson: bring 15 guys home from Iraq
Borger: bring black power into the white house
Klein: he can't end the war and fix the economy he must choose
Bumilller: politics is real and he must deal
Tweety: i love it!
Klein: but this is different from Bill Clinton because everyone hates Republicans
Tweety: except for you because you say liberals hate america
Klein: right i'm in the middle - i'm neither a lying fuckward or a dirty hippie
Robinson: doods the Democrats might also win the house and Senate and feel their oats
Tweety: that's a lot of power
Klein: that's a lot of red diapers
Tweety: what if it's a Dem landslide in Congress and the White House
Borger: that is very bad news for the Dems and Obama
Bumiller: Obama has to solve peace in the middle east
Klein: how could Obama allow Pakistan to have nukes and terrorists???
Tweety: will Obama pleez work with the Republicans??
Borger: yes if he is willing to compromise - after all there are two sides to every story the GOP and the truth - both are legit
Klein: GOP freak out!
Borger: people are voting for the end of gridlock
Bumiller: no they are voting for an end to the war and the Bush years
Tweety: Lieberman is campaigning for the Republicans - wow his timing is impeccable
Borger: Dems to the left of Hagel seem him as a traitor
Bumiller: he has a three-way with McCain and Graham
Klein: he’s John McCain's Zelig Miller
Tweety: wow McCain is a maverick!!
Tweety: but Nasty Mean Democrats won't work with the war hero!!
Klein: they won't like him because the only way McCain can win is lying and racism
Tweety: but he's a romantic guy and he will be one of our Great Presidents!
Bumiller: that's not the word I would use
Borger: McCain is bipartian and Obama is a terrible mean nasty liberal
Bumiller: McCain always keeps his promises
Klein: McCain is a Bull Moose
Robinson: he's got the bull down
Borger: it depends which McCain shows up the POW -good McCain or the mean-McCain
Robinson: umm, who gives a shit - it's not as if he's going to be President for gawd's sake
Tweety: true but there are 2 sides to every story - the truth and the falsehood that McCain can win
Borger: New Mexico, Nevada, Colorado will be the new battlegrounds
Tweety: who wins?
Borger: i don't know - that's the point
Robinson: the economy will decide this election
Tweety: wow good news for McCain!
Robinson: you keep telling yourself that chirpy
Klein: there's a tidal wave of young black voters!!
Tweety: oh noes a bad sample!
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