Saturday, August 16, 2008

Olympic Opening Ceremonies - Bobblespeak Special Edition

Olympic Opening Ceremonies
Bob Costas
Matt Lauer
Costas: I tell you if you can’t see this is is amazing

Lauer: we’re not on the radio Bob

Costas: so

Lauer: so anyone listening is watching too

Costas: and now, and all-star tribute to the Cultural Revolution, starring Jet Li and Chow Yun Fat

Lauer: these little lights represent the 50 million people who starved to death under Mao.

Costas: the chinese invented the kite

Lauer: i thought that was benjamin franklin

Costas: i dont think he was chinese

Lauer: well what did he invent

Costas: i think the stove or the franklin mint

Lauer: i like mints on my pillow

Costas: hey look the people are forming the shape of refugees displaced by the three gorges dam

Lauer: you can’t say dam on tv dammit

Costas: now they are doing tai chi

Lauer: Starbucks sells that milk and sugar

Costas: the Chinese are now waving their arms for our visually impaired viewers

Lauer: I think I mr. miagyi

Costas: wax on wax off

Lauer: wow its like a big quentin tarantino movie

Costas: water is important

Lauer: i like water mixed with scotch

Costas: this may be lost on some viewers but i'm not wearing pants

Lauer: oooh karate

Costas: no that's japanese

Lauer: ok then tae kwon do

Costas: try again genius

Lauer: judo

Costas: one more

Lauer: ju jitsu?

[ hits him with a rolled up newspaper ]

Costas: even more masses of orientals doing martial arts

Lauer: I’m officially scared now

Costas: this is - as they say - vaguely threatening

Lauer: i want my mommy

Costas: this is the space version of the program

Lauer: the chinese are going to take over the moon

Costas: oh noes

Lauer: hey look a tribute to the mother ship from Close Encounters

Costas: oh goody sarah brightman

Lauer: now finally we get some real culture

Costas: now they are holding up pictures of all the chinese babies adopted by americans

Lauer: wow there are thousands of them

Costas: and that's just angelia jolie

Costas: this is china's finest moment

Lauer: that and the invention of kung pao chicken

Costas: nobody puts General Tso in a corner!

Costas: and here are the caymans

Lauer: a cayman bit my sister

Costas: leading for the Cayman Islands is ken lay

Costas: oh thank god a safe topic - here's Israel

Lauer: the japanese have an old guy who's an equestrian

Costas: that dood from Letters from Iwo Jima?

Costas: Taiwan has it's own special flag due its controversial status

Lauer: just like the confederate states had their own flag in 1996

Costas: there's an old white guy on Gambia's team

Lauer: is that john McCain?

Costas: Mayor Daley is here to get tips

Lauer: on hosting teh games?

Costas: no rigging elections

Costas: here's saint lucia

Lauer: where? i don't see her

Costas: there's Djibouti

Lauer: thanks for noticing bob, i've been working out

Costas: how will they light the flame this year?

Lauer: we all recall 1996 when they fired Muhammad Ali through the air - that was beautiful

Costas: here's lithuania

Lauer: they clearly just came from a frat party

Costas: here is niger

Lauer: [ looks down at cue card ]

Oh man that was a close one!

Costas: here's lichtenstein

Lauer: when they run into san marino they're gonna throw down

Costas: look here are the people left alive in Iraq

Lauer: Bush is applauding their survival of his brutal regime

Costas: no one loves iran

Lauer: no nukes for you!

Costas: Hungary!

Lauer: no thanks i just ate

Costas: here's the DR

Lauer: good i have a tummy ache

Costas: here's Tonga

Lauer: i love their trucks

Costas: wow wimmin in Jordan

Lauer: Be like Mike

Costas: Finland!

Lauer: the President of Finland is really hot

Costas: POFILF!

Costas: where's suriname?

Lauer: it's Lauer bob you know that

Costas: Yes, nothing says Olympic athlete like a MacDonald's supersized meal

Lauer: Latvia appears to have borrowed their uniforms from Burger King

Costas: Kazakhstan, holy fuck -- it's like a kid's birthday party meets project runway!

Costas: Here's the Czech republic, another nation McCain has never heard of

Costas: El Salvador's flag bearer was chosen through on online poll

Lauer: i was wondering what stephen colbert was doing there

Costas: Vietnam's flag bearer offered to free John McCain 40 years ago and he said no

Lauer: we've all had a guest we can't get to leave

Costas: here's the team from Fiji

Lauer: i didn't know corporations got to have teams

Costas: and here's Montenegro

Lauer: whew - another close one!

Costas: and here's the cast from 'Lost'

Lauer: i didn't know they had their own country

Costas: oh yes it's all legal

Lauer: look new zealand

Costas: why is he dressed like the Hawkmen from Flash Gordon?

Lauer: i do not know

Costas: I don't think Moldova ever got over the massacre of Dynasty

Lauer: Hu Jintao just slipped Bush 20 bucks.

Costas: folks Yao Ming just beat Matt Lauer to death with his microphone.

Chinese Organizer: yes i am speaking in Chinese then English, but your grandchildren will speak Chinese then English

Costas: Good night everyone I’m terrified

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