rescue worker: I will never forget responding to that terrible bridge collapse which took place right near here
crowd: oh noes
rescue worker: cars were crushed, wires were down, concrete swayed as human body parts floated around me
crowd: yaaaaay
rescue worker: i have never been more proud of being a republican - knowing that no hard earned tax dollars had been wasted to repair that wretched bridge
crowd: clap clap
rescue worker: which was too black and lazy to stay standing
crowd: amen
worker: i turned to one of the crippled victims and i said thank god tim pawlenty vetoed that bill to fund infrastructure repair - this isn't the soviet union ya know
crowd: wheeeeeeee
worker: and then she died knowing that liberals had not taken her freedom to choose to next time drive another bridge home - free market rulz!!
Crowd: yayyyyy!!!
Hispanic: u may ask yourself why does a brown skinned democrat support a John Mccain when no one else does?
Crowd: yeah
Hispanic: god told me to
Crowd: oh ok
Hispanic: john cleans the yards of hispanics in the barrios of arizona
Crowd: i think you have that backwards pedro
Hispanic: the Gospel of Matteo says embrace the least among you including the weak and broken and pathetic and the real losers and that is why i support john mccain!!!
Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!
Hispanic: John Mccain will control our uterus and hate the gays!! viva mccain!! heil McCain!!
Crowd: Yeaaaaaaaaahh!!!!
Journalist: you shared a cell with McCain
Colonel: we shared a special love
Journalist: what was he like
Colonel: he was very funny
Journo: how so
Colonel: he told a joke about chelsea clinton that killed
Journo: can you believe it your former lover is going to be the nominee
Colonel: oh he's going to be President - you saw in Saddlebrook he's ready to lead adn to kill
Journalist: tell us somethign about him only you would know
Colonel: he's actually qualified to be President
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
GOP Convention Liveblogging Part II - Sept. 2, 2008
Mark Shields: McCain choosing Palin was the worst decision since McGovern running with McMurphy
David Books: so she once put metal in the plastic recycling bin so what
Shields: also her insanity
Lehrer: who the fuck chose Quayle
Bobo: this is completely different Quayle embarrassed the HW Bush ticket - Palin is really different
Shields: heh heh let me tell something Palin makes Quayle look like Dwight Fucking Eisenhower
Shields: they have been very smart and put Palin in hiding
Bobo: if she gives a good scripted speech that will prove she has no ethics problems or is not insane
Shields: what is the difference between her and a pit bull?
Bobo: size of the litter?
Ifill: say something nice about McStupid
Kyl: he's tremendously interesting
Ifill: is he really a maverick?
Republican operative: yes he is
Ifill: well that's settled then
Kyl: he is so fucking mavericky
Ifill: wow suddenly i feel so girlishly giddy
Ifill: what makes him so wonderful?
GOP guy: he's is the best human ever
Kyl: i would say it's his maverick-ness
GOP guy: Sarah Palin is a great governor - also she is a maverick
Kyl: that's right also she hates bush
Ifill: wow I am learning SO MUCH hee hee hee
David Books: so she once put metal in the plastic recycling bin so what
Shields: also her insanity
Lehrer: who the fuck chose Quayle
Bobo: this is completely different Quayle embarrassed the HW Bush ticket - Palin is really different
Shields: heh heh let me tell something Palin makes Quayle look like Dwight Fucking Eisenhower
Shields: they have been very smart and put Palin in hiding
Bobo: if she gives a good scripted speech that will prove she has no ethics problems or is not insane
Shields: what is the difference between her and a pit bull?
Bobo: size of the litter?
Ifill: say something nice about McStupid
Kyl: he's tremendously interesting
Ifill: is he really a maverick?
Republican operative: yes he is
Ifill: well that's settled then
Kyl: he is so fucking mavericky
Ifill: wow suddenly i feel so girlishly giddy
Ifill: what makes him so wonderful?
GOP guy: he's is the best human ever
Kyl: i would say it's his maverick-ness
GOP guy: Sarah Palin is a great governor - also she is a maverick
Kyl: that's right also she hates bush
Ifill: wow I am learning SO MUCH hee hee hee
GOP Convention Liveblogging Part I - Sept. 2, 2008
Bachman: jon and sidney mccain adopted a black child
Crowd: oooooohh
Bachman: he was also a not so decent pilot
Crowd: yay
Bachman: barack obama is a selfish coward
Crowd: Yeeaaaah
Bachman: the best way to help people is not to do it
Crowd: wheeee
Bachman: then again we're not heartless bastards after all we need a new generation of soldiers for endless war
Crowd: YAY
Bachman: but let's not forget government should not help people
Crowd: YAY!!!!
Bachman: as Goppers we realize the best charity is keeping your own money and spending it on yachts
Crowd: Wheeeee
Bachman: but the Dems wants to spend your money on black welfare mothers
Crowd: Nooooooooooo
Bachman: we want bloated government to bail out Federal Banks, not Tyra Banks!!!
Crowd: Yaaaaayyy!!!!!
Bachman: thanks and come back to minnesota the land that hairstyles forgot
Crowd: clap clap clap
Dork: cindy mccain travels the world buying children for her white friends in arizona
Crowd: yayyyy
Dork: she does this so the Republican party can have a splash of color at their annual conventions
Crowd: Yaaaaaaay
Dork: i know this seems like the hard way but that's how selfless cindy is
Crowd: woooohoooo
Dork: was she high when she did this - i don't know
Crowd: hmmmmmmmmmm
Dork: but at least she gave them normal american names not like Barack or Twig or Long Jump
Nicky: oh my fucking god this has got to be MOST embarrassing moment of my life
Dork: hey at least you're not Bristol
Nicky: oh christ why me
Crowd: oooooohh
Bachman: he was also a not so decent pilot
Crowd: yay
Bachman: barack obama is a selfish coward
Crowd: Yeeaaaah
Bachman: the best way to help people is not to do it
Crowd: wheeee
Bachman: then again we're not heartless bastards after all we need a new generation of soldiers for endless war
Crowd: YAY
Bachman: but let's not forget government should not help people
Crowd: YAY!!!!
Bachman: as Goppers we realize the best charity is keeping your own money and spending it on yachts
Crowd: Wheeeee
Bachman: but the Dems wants to spend your money on black welfare mothers
Crowd: Nooooooooooo
Bachman: we want bloated government to bail out Federal Banks, not Tyra Banks!!!
Crowd: Yaaaaayyy!!!!!
Bachman: thanks and come back to minnesota the land that hairstyles forgot
Crowd: clap clap clap
Dork: cindy mccain travels the world buying children for her white friends in arizona
Crowd: yayyyy
Dork: she does this so the Republican party can have a splash of color at their annual conventions
Crowd: Yaaaaaaay
Dork: i know this seems like the hard way but that's how selfless cindy is
Crowd: woooohoooo
Dork: was she high when she did this - i don't know
Crowd: hmmmmmmmmmm
Dork: but at least she gave them normal american names not like Barack or Twig or Long Jump
Nicky: oh my fucking god this has got to be MOST embarrassing moment of my life
Dork: hey at least you're not Bristol
Nicky: oh christ why me
Monday, September 01, 2008
60 Minutes - with Barack Obama and Joe Biden
***********************************
60 Minutes
Guests:
Senator Barack Obama and Senator Joe Biden
August 31, 2008
***********************************
Kroft: wow more Americans saw the Dems party down than the saw the Olympics
Obama: i rule!
Kroft: did you ever doubt you would be the nominee
Obama: of course i'm a black guy named Obama
Biden: i though i was good - but he's like Zeus he grabbed the lightning
Obama: i always thought i was more like Apollo but okay
Kroft: what do you think of Palin
Obama: she's a fisher of men but she seems like a wingnut
Kroft: she has no experience
Obama: really i hadn't noticed
Kroft: she's a blue collar hunter with a son in Iraq
Obama: dood what about the issues
Kroft: never heard of 'em
Obama: Biden is a blue collar dood as well
Biden: who cares - it only matters what you're going to do as President
Kroft: you drink wine and do elitist shit like basketball
Obama: now hold on i drink a six pack every night
Kroft: but you were reduced to bowling
Obama: wait a minutes I wasn't there to get votes i was there to campaign
Kroft: so why hire Biden?
Obama: because he doesn't bite his tongue - i checked
Kroft: you disagreed on Iraq
Biden: but I was wrong -- i thought Bush meant it when he said he didn't want war and Obama knew better
Kroft: so did my cocker spaniel
Dog: arf arf wmd!!
Kroft: you are a plagiarist
Biden: yeah i failed to footnote a quote in a debate 20 years ago
Kroft: dealbreaker dood
Obama: he's likeable enough
Kroft: what role will Biden play in your government
Biden: I will give him the white male's perspective
Kroft: what will you do in the campaign
Biden: i will help him carry Wilmington
Kroft: ah
Biden: hey boss listen to this
Obama: [ beams ]
Kroft: they say you're soft and weak
Obama: ah yes hmmm so I've heard - one wonders how i ever got to the senate from fucking Chicago and defeated the Clinton machine
Kroft: hey you're black
Obama: yes i know
Kroft: are you going be the black president
Obama: i am going to be a black president not the black president
Kroft: how can you represent white people?
Obama: i will deliver health care and economic growth and equality and that's good for whites and blacks and asians and the other races too
Kroft: why don't you have a 30 point lead?
Obama: dood the last 2 elections were ties stolen the GOP -- we all know the Republicans can't govern but they can scare people we're gonna have to fight but we will win
Kroft: okay then
*************************************************
60 Minutes
Guests:
Senator Barack Obama and Senator Joe Biden
August 31, 2008
***********************************
Kroft: wow more Americans saw the Dems party down than the saw the Olympics
Obama: i rule!
Kroft: did you ever doubt you would be the nominee
Obama: of course i'm a black guy named Obama
Biden: i though i was good - but he's like Zeus he grabbed the lightning
Obama: i always thought i was more like Apollo but okay
Kroft: what do you think of Palin
Obama: she's a fisher of men but she seems like a wingnut
Kroft: she has no experience
Obama: really i hadn't noticed
Kroft: she's a blue collar hunter with a son in Iraq
Obama: dood what about the issues
Kroft: never heard of 'em
Obama: Biden is a blue collar dood as well
Biden: who cares - it only matters what you're going to do as President
Kroft: you drink wine and do elitist shit like basketball
Obama: now hold on i drink a six pack every night
Kroft: but you were reduced to bowling
Obama: wait a minutes I wasn't there to get votes i was there to campaign
Kroft: so why hire Biden?
Obama: because he doesn't bite his tongue - i checked
Kroft: you disagreed on Iraq
Biden: but I was wrong -- i thought Bush meant it when he said he didn't want war and Obama knew better
Kroft: so did my cocker spaniel
Dog: arf arf wmd!!
Kroft: you are a plagiarist
Biden: yeah i failed to footnote a quote in a debate 20 years ago
Kroft: dealbreaker dood
Obama: he's likeable enough
Kroft: what role will Biden play in your government
Biden: I will give him the white male's perspective
Kroft: what will you do in the campaign
Biden: i will help him carry Wilmington
Kroft: ah
Biden: hey boss listen to this
Obama: [ beams ]
Kroft: they say you're soft and weak
Obama: ah yes hmmm so I've heard - one wonders how i ever got to the senate from fucking Chicago and defeated the Clinton machine
Kroft: hey you're black
Obama: yes i know
Kroft: are you going be the black president
Obama: i am going to be a black president not the black president
Kroft: how can you represent white people?
Obama: i will deliver health care and economic growth and equality and that's good for whites and blacks and asians and the other races too
Kroft: why don't you have a 30 point lead?
Obama: dood the last 2 elections were ties stolen the GOP -- we all know the Republicans can't govern but they can scare people we're gonna have to fight but we will win
Kroft: okay then
*************************************************
60 Minutes - with Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan
*******************************
60 Minutes
Interview with Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan
August 31, 2008
**********************************
Pelley: Americans killed 4 generations of one family including a little baby
Military: Ooops
Pelley: there was one hour of sustained mortar fire followed by an airstrike of 2,000 pound bombs on houses made of mud
Afghans: this is worse than the Russians
Pelley: you cannot be saying that the Soviets were worse
Afghans: yes we are
Pelley: voice over - of course that isn't true but they say that
Pelley: what's up Hamid
Karzai: they keep bombing our villages and we don't like it so much
Pelley: did you tell that to Stupid
Karzai: yes and he has completely ignored me
Pelley: so
Karzai: so I am doing this interview
Pelley: wow look at this high tech shit why are you showing me all this secret stuff
Army: because we are desperate to repair our image
Expert: the army does the math how many civilians you are allowed to kill
Pelley: what's the limit
Expert: i could kill 30 people on my own after that i need a permission slip
Pelley: i was blown away by how we avoid killing innocent people
Expert: see we're good guys
Pelley: except for all the childen killed
Expert: teh Taliban is violating international law!
Pelley: oh well ok then
Pelley: so no real harm done
Expert: but when we kill a whole family we may drive people to hate America and join the Taliban
Pelley: gee that's a crazy idea
Hamid: hey the americans made a mistake it happens
Pelley: so what now
Hamid: i beg the americans to stop killing little children
Pelley: good luck with that
**************************************************
60 Minutes
Interview with Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan
August 31, 2008
**********************************
Pelley: Americans killed 4 generations of one family including a little baby
Military: Ooops
Pelley: there was one hour of sustained mortar fire followed by an airstrike of 2,000 pound bombs on houses made of mud
Afghans: this is worse than the Russians
Pelley: you cannot be saying that the Soviets were worse
Afghans: yes we are
Pelley: voice over - of course that isn't true but they say that
Pelley: what's up Hamid
Karzai: they keep bombing our villages and we don't like it so much
Pelley: did you tell that to Stupid
Karzai: yes and he has completely ignored me
Pelley: so
Karzai: so I am doing this interview
Pelley: wow look at this high tech shit why are you showing me all this secret stuff
Army: because we are desperate to repair our image
Expert: the army does the math how many civilians you are allowed to kill
Pelley: what's the limit
Expert: i could kill 30 people on my own after that i need a permission slip
Pelley: i was blown away by how we avoid killing innocent people
Expert: see we're good guys
Pelley: except for all the childen killed
Expert: teh Taliban is violating international law!
Pelley: oh well ok then
Pelley: so no real harm done
Expert: but when we kill a whole family we may drive people to hate America and join the Taliban
Pelley: gee that's a crazy idea
Hamid: hey the americans made a mistake it happens
Pelley: so what now
Hamid: i beg the americans to stop killing little children
Pelley: good luck with that
**************************************************
Maria Bartiromo interview with Sarah Palin - August 31, 2008
********************************************
Wall Street Journal Report with Maria Bartiromo
Guest: Gov. Sarah Palin
August 31, 2008
********************************************
Bartiromo: Do you want to be vice president?
Palin: well i rule a large and sprawling empire now so i don't know - it might be a step down
Bartiromo: so how do you decide?
Palin: i'm a mom and my 19 year-old son is going to Iraq in a war over oil which he wouldn't have to do if we drilled in in ANWR
Bartiromo: So why can't we fucking drill in ANWR already!!!!
Palin: oh people see the moose and bears on tv but that's not ANWR - it's really a very ugly place
Bartiromo: If ANWR is so small why not drill somewhere else?
Palin: hey we are at war over taking Saddam's oil - we've GOT to drill there here and everywhere
Bartiromo: sounds great!
Palin: wait there's more! the caribou love the pipeline - if Biden had his way the caribous would have no where to masturbate
artiromo: people accuse you of wanting to drill drill drill
Palin: well i do want to drill drill drill drill
Bartiromo: what else
Palin: we really need wind solar and geothermal
Bartiromo: mostly dems want to do that
Palin: well then that's very naïve
******************************************************************
Wall Street Journal Report with Maria Bartiromo
Guest: Gov. Sarah Palin
August 31, 2008
********************************************
Bartiromo: Do you want to be vice president?
Palin: well i rule a large and sprawling empire now so i don't know - it might be a step down
Bartiromo: so how do you decide?
Palin: i'm a mom and my 19 year-old son is going to Iraq in a war over oil which he wouldn't have to do if we drilled in in ANWR
Bartiromo: So why can't we fucking drill in ANWR already!!!!
Palin: oh people see the moose and bears on tv but that's not ANWR - it's really a very ugly place
Bartiromo: If ANWR is so small why not drill somewhere else?
Palin: hey we are at war over taking Saddam's oil - we've GOT to drill there here and everywhere
Bartiromo: sounds great!
Palin: wait there's more! the caribou love the pipeline - if Biden had his way the caribous would have no where to masturbate
artiromo: people accuse you of wanting to drill drill drill
Palin: well i do want to drill drill drill drill
Bartiromo: what else
Palin: we really need wind solar and geothermal
Bartiromo: mostly dems want to do that
Palin: well then that's very naïve
******************************************************************
Meet The Press with Gov. Tim Pawlenty - August 31, 2008
Meet The Press
August 31, 2008
Guest: Gov. Tim Pawlenty
Brokaw: welcome to the son of Governor Pawlenty
Gov. Pawlenty: no i'm actually the governor
Brokaw: really?
Pawlenty: yep
Brokaw: Bush will not be attending the convention
Pawlenty: of course it would not make sense for a very unpopular President to attend in the middle of a hurricane
Brokaw: we can stipulate that Palin's a down-home regular person who's only knowledge of foreign policy is Russian fish and will be less than a heartbeat from the presidency
Pawlenty: we have a person as a potential Vice President who is a governor and very very well qualified
Brokaw: Palin isn't that good
Pawlenty: Tom I was talking about myself
Pawlenty: Palin is better than Obama after all she's white and an ovary-american
Brokaw: C'mon she's a fucking zero
Pawlenty: there are lots of idiot americans who have never done anything - shouldn't they have representation too??
Brokaw: McCain put his short-term interests ahead of the nation
Pawlenty: well that's his right
Brokaw: her own mother in law is voting for Obama
Pawlenty: Obama just graduated from college!!
Brokaw: not exactly
Pawlenty: hey Alaska is a very big place and she has guts and grit she Commanded the National Guard in the effort to wipe out the Polar Bear
Pawlenty: Male Hillary supporters are going to vote for McCain because of Palin and her hockey-mom-ness
Brokaw: with all due respect Governor i never heard a bigger pile of bullshit in my life
Pawlenty: hey if i was any good at this McCain would have chosen me
Brokaw: Abortion?
Pawlenty: Obama never gets asked about fetuses
Brokaw: he was last week liar
Pawlenty: oh well la la la la
Brokaw: She's a creationist wacko
Pawlenty: in terms of science it's not credible but why not teach it alongside evolution -- why not have the truth and myth and let the kids decide what is true?
Brokaw: I'm confused
Pawlenty: in my state we teach algebra and that 2 + 2 = 5 -- you know, both sides
Brokaw: The Economist says McCain is a fucking crazy
Pawlenty: no he's a Mavericky Maverick ask anyone
Brokaw: i'm asking you
Pawlenty: Maverick
Brokaw: anything else?
Pawlenty: Fuck John McCain for not choosing me
Brokaw: whoa
Pawlenty: oh that was a freudian slip i meant to say 'Maverick' and that slipped out
[ break [
Brokaw: kelly love yer pearls
Kelly O'Donnell: potential positive in a major hurricane destroying an american city is that McCain has a good excuse for making Bush stay away - also this can show how McCain will react to a crisis - aside from a eating a birthday cake of course
Brokaw: Doris give me your historical perspective on Norah Palin
Doris Goodwin: Sarah
Brokaw: whatever - who is she - we know she shot a moose
Goodwin: 1 out of 3 VPs become President and let's face it with McCain those odds are higher
Tom: wow
Goodwin: he's had a year to make this decision and for god's sake he's comes up with small town mayor??
Goodwin: i get it why he chosen but hunting and fishing is not a top qualification for being President in teh 21st century
Mike Murphy: first she helps with the looney base, and it reinforces the Maverickyness, but it does indicate he doesn't care about experience
Tom: after all Obama is the nominee not Biden or Michael Palin
Andrea Mitchell: she mentioned Hillary and Ferraro in her speech and got booed
Brokaw: well that went well
Andrea: she not only wants to stop everyone to have an abortion she is even willing to not have one too
Tom: wow how brave to be willing to force your beliefs on everyone else
Mitchell: it's a fascinating choice - it indicates that McCain is off his fucking rocker and has contempt for the American people
Baritromo: We must drill in Alaska Tom!!
Tom: ok mary cool it
Bartiromo: it's maria
Tom: that's what i said
Bartiromo: dammit the moose and bears and wolves love the pipeline they rub up against and have sex with it
Tom: home foreclosures and health care!
Maria: she says the Republican party has the advantage there
Tom: um was there a lack of oxygen during your interview
Maria: she showed me the places where they want to drill and it looked fine to me
Tom: is that all
Maria: no my taxi driver said she is great and she gave up a private chef
Tom: wow
Maria: i was very impressed with her knowledge of the need to drill and create jobs in Alaska
Gregory: he did this to make a grab for independents - i think it will work
Murphy: i don't believe in Pumas
Gregory: bite me
Murphy: she will help with gun owning blue collar nuts but not with wine drinking snobs
Brokaw: she has a very winning way about her
Goodwin: you mean she's hot
Brokaw: ayup
Gregory: she went into labor and boarded a plane - this is really cool!!
Brokaw: so of course she should be leader of the free world
Mitchell: right - they were going to chose Lieberman until they realized everybody in America hates him
Murphy: i want lukewarm independents not goldwater loonies
Brokaw: which is she?
Murphy: she's anti corruption creationist - she's both
Brokaw: let's talk about her looks some more
Gregory: she's proves that Obama is out of touch with the moose-killing American
Mitchell: Obama didn't pay for his promises!!
Brokaw: c'mon it was a great speech
Mitchell: it scared McCain so much he reached for some Alaska beauty queen
Brokaw: experience is off the table
Murphy: right now it's all about taxes taxes taxes
Brokaw: what else
Murphy: they will run on fear of Pelosi
Mitchell: the dems need to trot out Hillary again to counteract the force of Palin
Brokaw: omg she will never go away will she
Brokaw: Fred Barnes said she is not a feminist - is she a feminist??
Maria: no she is not
Audience: she is head of Feminists for Life
Maria: i thought she was so cute - she called her husband the "First Dude"
Maria: her husband is an oil guy with British Petroleum that will be play well with 'the masses'
Brokaw: Maria you are very condescending to a fictional group of imaginary lunch bucket blue collar folk
Maria: i'm sorry
Brokaw: no it's good that's the Tim Russert way - you will now be invited on the show every week
Maria: yay
****************************************************************
August 31, 2008
Guest: Gov. Tim Pawlenty
Brokaw: welcome to the son of Governor Pawlenty
Gov. Pawlenty: no i'm actually the governor
Brokaw: really?
Pawlenty: yep
Brokaw: Bush will not be attending the convention
Pawlenty: of course it would not make sense for a very unpopular President to attend in the middle of a hurricane
Brokaw: we can stipulate that Palin's a down-home regular person who's only knowledge of foreign policy is Russian fish and will be less than a heartbeat from the presidency
Pawlenty: we have a person as a potential Vice President who is a governor and very very well qualified
Brokaw: Palin isn't that good
Pawlenty: Tom I was talking about myself
Pawlenty: Palin is better than Obama after all she's white and an ovary-american
Brokaw: C'mon she's a fucking zero
Pawlenty: there are lots of idiot americans who have never done anything - shouldn't they have representation too??
Brokaw: McCain put his short-term interests ahead of the nation
Pawlenty: well that's his right
Brokaw: her own mother in law is voting for Obama
Pawlenty: Obama just graduated from college!!
Brokaw: not exactly
Pawlenty: hey Alaska is a very big place and she has guts and grit she Commanded the National Guard in the effort to wipe out the Polar Bear
Pawlenty: Male Hillary supporters are going to vote for McCain because of Palin and her hockey-mom-ness
Brokaw: with all due respect Governor i never heard a bigger pile of bullshit in my life
Pawlenty: hey if i was any good at this McCain would have chosen me
Brokaw: Abortion?
Pawlenty: Obama never gets asked about fetuses
Brokaw: he was last week liar
Pawlenty: oh well la la la la
Brokaw: She's a creationist wacko
Pawlenty: in terms of science it's not credible but why not teach it alongside evolution -- why not have the truth and myth and let the kids decide what is true?
Brokaw: I'm confused
Pawlenty: in my state we teach algebra and that 2 + 2 = 5 -- you know, both sides
Brokaw: The Economist says McCain is a fucking crazy
Pawlenty: no he's a Mavericky Maverick ask anyone
Brokaw: i'm asking you
Pawlenty: Maverick
Brokaw: anything else?
Pawlenty: Fuck John McCain for not choosing me
Brokaw: whoa
Pawlenty: oh that was a freudian slip i meant to say 'Maverick' and that slipped out
[ break [
Brokaw: kelly love yer pearls
Kelly O'Donnell: potential positive in a major hurricane destroying an american city is that McCain has a good excuse for making Bush stay away - also this can show how McCain will react to a crisis - aside from a eating a birthday cake of course
Brokaw: Doris give me your historical perspective on Norah Palin
Doris Goodwin: Sarah
Brokaw: whatever - who is she - we know she shot a moose
Goodwin: 1 out of 3 VPs become President and let's face it with McCain those odds are higher
Tom: wow
Goodwin: he's had a year to make this decision and for god's sake he's comes up with small town mayor??
Goodwin: i get it why he chosen but hunting and fishing is not a top qualification for being President in teh 21st century
Mike Murphy: first she helps with the looney base, and it reinforces the Maverickyness, but it does indicate he doesn't care about experience
Tom: after all Obama is the nominee not Biden or Michael Palin
Andrea Mitchell: she mentioned Hillary and Ferraro in her speech and got booed
Brokaw: well that went well
Andrea: she not only wants to stop everyone to have an abortion she is even willing to not have one too
Tom: wow how brave to be willing to force your beliefs on everyone else
Mitchell: it's a fascinating choice - it indicates that McCain is off his fucking rocker and has contempt for the American people
Baritromo: We must drill in Alaska Tom!!
Tom: ok mary cool it
Bartiromo: it's maria
Tom: that's what i said
Bartiromo: dammit the moose and bears and wolves love the pipeline they rub up against and have sex with it
Tom: home foreclosures and health care!
Maria: she says the Republican party has the advantage there
Tom: um was there a lack of oxygen during your interview
Maria: she showed me the places where they want to drill and it looked fine to me
Tom: is that all
Maria: no my taxi driver said she is great and she gave up a private chef
Tom: wow
Maria: i was very impressed with her knowledge of the need to drill and create jobs in Alaska
Gregory: he did this to make a grab for independents - i think it will work
Murphy: i don't believe in Pumas
Gregory: bite me
Murphy: she will help with gun owning blue collar nuts but not with wine drinking snobs
Brokaw: she has a very winning way about her
Goodwin: you mean she's hot
Brokaw: ayup
Gregory: she went into labor and boarded a plane - this is really cool!!
Brokaw: so of course she should be leader of the free world
Mitchell: right - they were going to chose Lieberman until they realized everybody in America hates him
Murphy: i want lukewarm independents not goldwater loonies
Brokaw: which is she?
Murphy: she's anti corruption creationist - she's both
Brokaw: let's talk about her looks some more
Gregory: she's proves that Obama is out of touch with the moose-killing American
Mitchell: Obama didn't pay for his promises!!
Brokaw: c'mon it was a great speech
Mitchell: it scared McCain so much he reached for some Alaska beauty queen
Brokaw: experience is off the table
Murphy: right now it's all about taxes taxes taxes
Brokaw: what else
Murphy: they will run on fear of Pelosi
Mitchell: the dems need to trot out Hillary again to counteract the force of Palin
Brokaw: omg she will never go away will she
Brokaw: Fred Barnes said she is not a feminist - is she a feminist??
Maria: no she is not
Audience: she is head of Feminists for Life
Maria: i thought she was so cute - she called her husband the "First Dude"
Maria: her husband is an oil guy with British Petroleum that will be play well with 'the masses'
Brokaw: Maria you are very condescending to a fictional group of imaginary lunch bucket blue collar folk
Maria: i'm sorry
Brokaw: no it's good that's the Tim Russert way - you will now be invited on the show every week
Maria: yay
****************************************************************
The Chris Matthews Show - August 31, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show
August 31, 2008
*******************************************
Matthews: omg sarah palin is a reformer with ovaries!!!
Matthews Meter: she's great!
Fineman: i love her she's outside of the box and bold -- no one would have predicted he would pick an unqualified lunatic
Tweety: she's got no experience
O'Donnell: not true - she got a passport in 2007 - she's a rising star hockey mom why shouldn't she run the free world?
Clarence Page: ARE YOU ALL FUCKING KIDDING??
Matthews: Why her?
Bumiller: Palin has more foreign policy experience than Pawlenty - after all she once fished in Russian waters
Tweety: what else?
fineman: she's not a closted gay republican
Matthews: wow that's hard to find
O'Donnell: Palin also brought big money
Page: all the black men in Chicago are huggin each other
Bumiller: Lindsay Graham pushed Lieberman hard hard hard
Tweety: ewww
O'Donnell: McCain has a anger judgment problem
Page: the msm is covering up the fact that he is an asshole
Bumiller: McCain once told me to fuck off but it was was my fault i didn't have dinner ready when he came home
Fineman: Obama is like an inner city dude calling McCain out to the playground and face him like a man
Tweety: He's Russell Crowe to McCain's Commodus
Audience: a hero will rise
August 31, 2008
*******************************************
Matthews: omg sarah palin is a reformer with ovaries!!!
Matthews Meter: she's great!
Fineman: i love her she's outside of the box and bold -- no one would have predicted he would pick an unqualified lunatic
Tweety: she's got no experience
O'Donnell: not true - she got a passport in 2007 - she's a rising star hockey mom why shouldn't she run the free world?
Clarence Page: ARE YOU ALL FUCKING KIDDING??
Matthews: Why her?
Bumiller: Palin has more foreign policy experience than Pawlenty - after all she once fished in Russian waters
Tweety: what else?
fineman: she's not a closted gay republican
Matthews: wow that's hard to find
O'Donnell: Palin also brought big money
Page: all the black men in Chicago are huggin each other
Bumiller: Lindsay Graham pushed Lieberman hard hard hard
Tweety: ewww
O'Donnell: McCain has a anger judgment problem
Page: the msm is covering up the fact that he is an asshole
Bumiller: McCain once told me to fuck off but it was was my fault i didn't have dinner ready when he came home
Fineman: Obama is like an inner city dude calling McCain out to the playground and face him like a man
Tweety: He's Russell Crowe to McCain's Commodus
Audience: a hero will rise
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Meet The Press with Caroline Kennedy - August 24, 2008
***************************************************
Meet The Press
August 24, 2008
Guests:
Caroline Kennedy
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi
***************************************************
Brokaw: Caroline we haven’t seen you since you rode a pony at the white house why come of out of hiding for Obama
Kennedy: cause he's totally awesome
Brokaw: you vetted the potential veeps
Kennedy: well we used to usual criteria - who was white, male and tall
Brokaw: of course
Kennedy: also who had never ever had sex and often wore a flag pin
Brokaw: anything substantive?
Kennedy: yes we looked for someone who liked the Pope but was pro-choice; liked the poor but wouldn't scare the corporations
Brokaw: ok so with all those choices why Biden?
Kennedy: he has never been accused of a crime and appears to love his family
Brokaw: that's unusual but what put him over the top?
Kennedy: he could find Iran on a map
Brokaw: did Uncle Teddy or any of the others icons give an opinion?
Kennedy: irish catholic baby!!
Brokaw: did you help your dad choose LBJ?
Kennedy: yes i said he was a poopyhaid
Brokaw: what did Jack say
Kennedy: i don't remember but Bobby agreed with me
Brokaw: Biden once said something not positive about Obama!
Kennedy: yes and Biden is right about everything
Brokaw: McCain says we should trust Biden
Kennedy: well he says Obama should be president
Brokaw: touché
Brokaw: are you closing the door to running for office!!!??
Kennedy: you bore me you speech-defective sycophant
Brokaw: will you be Secretary of Education
Kennedy: probably
Brokaw: say hi to to the Last Action Hero for me
Kennedy: yeah I'll tell Tiny you gave him your best
[ break ]
Brokaw: People say Obama blinked - after all Biden's a card-carrying traitor - i mean - Democrat
Pelosi: oh i beg to pleasantly differ after all Biden is very smart and experienced - what's not to like?
Brokaw: he's not an anarchist i was hoping Obama would choose one of the Weatherman or Ted Kascynski
Pelosi: Biden was bomb-thrower he once held out for a strongly worded letter to MBNA
Brokaw: everybody hates Congress
Pelosi: yes well we said would end the war, raise the minimum wage, and enforce emission standards
Brokaw: why not
Pelosi: we are totally helpless in face of teh power of Bush's popularity
Brokaw: we all know offshore drilling is a fake but the whole county is convinced it will work
Pelosi: gee i wonder how that happened
Brokaw: beats me
Pelosi: Big Oil wants it
Brokaw: all well and good to wean off fossil fuels but in the meantime lets have an immediate solution like building oil platforms offshore
Pelosi: you're as dumb as you look
Brokaw: OMG you invested in natural gas!
Pelosi: so what i believe in it?
Brokaw: but you are in a position to influence it!
Pelosi: well it's a good idea
Brokaw: i was struck that you didn't mention Al Gore's position that we should harness the power of the Sun
Pelosi: oh Al - i tell you he is annoying - i was trying to enjoy a cocktail weenie the other night and he pulled it out of my hand yelling 'do you know how many polar bears died to wrap bacon and cheese around this tiny hot dog'!!??
Brokaw: he is a tedious fucker
Brokaw: pleez divide the party and bash the nominee over vice president
Pelosi: oh fuck off Tom
Brokaw: pleeeez
Pelosi: no
Brokaw: so-called polls support Obama on the economy but as well as know they are running for the office of Commander in Chief of the America People and he fails
Pelosi: well he was right on Iraq
Brokaw: but but but the polls!
Pelosi: bring it on your cotton-mouthed South Dakotan Villager
Brokaw: As well know The Surge Was Successful
Pelosi: was it?
Brokaw: YES!!
Pelosi: are you sure
Brokaw: goddammit i have piece of paper from the RNC do you think they would lie
Pelosi: didn't they say in a blast fax that Al Gore invented the internet
Brokaw: and that was true
Pelosi: [ reaches across table, slaps Post-It Note labeled "DUMBASS" on Brokaw's forehead ]
Brokaw: [ stares up at own forehead ]
Brokaw: Speaker when does life begin?
Pelosi: if a bunch of celibate old white men in medieval times couldn't figure it out what makes us think we possibly could?
Brokaw: wow that is a good point
Pelosi: then you have the freewheelin' supreme court
Brokaw: the Church now says it’s when sperm meets egg
Pelosi: what's their position on when molestation occurs?
Brokaw: i believe at the moment of conviction
[ break ]
Brokaw: Biden!!
Ifill: fehh a 65 year old white man
Brokaw: hey!
Ifill: eh - at least he reached out to the crackers
Brokaw: i couldn't believe the v.p democratic nominee criticized the GOP nominee after all he was a POW!!
Todd: wow Brokaw you really are a D.C. fucker aren't you - that sure didn't take long
Brokaw: for non partisan perspective here's Parson Meacham
Meacham: Obama raised himself and taught himself kung fu fighting in indonesia
Brokaw: Gotcha! I though he stood for passive surrender
Brokaw: Hillary!!
Todd: the Hillary votes are concerned about issues not personality
Brokaw: but then they should support Obama - it's a no brainer
Todd: well then they are concerned about whether Obama is ready
Brokaw: hmmmm
Todd: she has to tell America this guy is ready to Command white boys and girls
Meachem: people have a hard time envisioning Obama in the White House
Brokaw: well of course he's black
Obama: he's seems foreign
Brokaw: and muslim
Ifill: and they're so knee-jerk on drilling it's very unseemly
Brokaw: who among us doesn't want to drill off new york city
Todd: McCain always wins the daily news cycle i have no idea how that happens
Brokaw: no idea here
Meet The Press
August 24, 2008
Guests:
Caroline Kennedy
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi
***************************************************
Brokaw: Caroline we haven’t seen you since you rode a pony at the white house why come of out of hiding for Obama
Kennedy: cause he's totally awesome
Brokaw: you vetted the potential veeps
Kennedy: well we used to usual criteria - who was white, male and tall
Brokaw: of course
Kennedy: also who had never ever had sex and often wore a flag pin
Brokaw: anything substantive?
Kennedy: yes we looked for someone who liked the Pope but was pro-choice; liked the poor but wouldn't scare the corporations
Brokaw: ok so with all those choices why Biden?
Kennedy: he has never been accused of a crime and appears to love his family
Brokaw: that's unusual but what put him over the top?
Kennedy: he could find Iran on a map
Brokaw: did Uncle Teddy or any of the others icons give an opinion?
Kennedy: irish catholic baby!!
Brokaw: did you help your dad choose LBJ?
Kennedy: yes i said he was a poopyhaid
Brokaw: what did Jack say
Kennedy: i don't remember but Bobby agreed with me
Brokaw: Biden once said something not positive about Obama!
Kennedy: yes and Biden is right about everything
Brokaw: McCain says we should trust Biden
Kennedy: well he says Obama should be president
Brokaw: touché
Brokaw: are you closing the door to running for office!!!??
Kennedy: you bore me you speech-defective sycophant
Brokaw: will you be Secretary of Education
Kennedy: probably
Brokaw: say hi to to the Last Action Hero for me
Kennedy: yeah I'll tell Tiny you gave him your best
[ break ]
Brokaw: People say Obama blinked - after all Biden's a card-carrying traitor - i mean - Democrat
Pelosi: oh i beg to pleasantly differ after all Biden is very smart and experienced - what's not to like?
Brokaw: he's not an anarchist i was hoping Obama would choose one of the Weatherman or Ted Kascynski
Pelosi: Biden was bomb-thrower he once held out for a strongly worded letter to MBNA
Brokaw: everybody hates Congress
Pelosi: yes well we said would end the war, raise the minimum wage, and enforce emission standards
Brokaw: why not
Pelosi: we are totally helpless in face of teh power of Bush's popularity
Brokaw: we all know offshore drilling is a fake but the whole county is convinced it will work
Pelosi: gee i wonder how that happened
Brokaw: beats me
Pelosi: Big Oil wants it
Brokaw: all well and good to wean off fossil fuels but in the meantime lets have an immediate solution like building oil platforms offshore
Pelosi: you're as dumb as you look
Brokaw: OMG you invested in natural gas!
Pelosi: so what i believe in it?
Brokaw: but you are in a position to influence it!
Pelosi: well it's a good idea
Brokaw: i was struck that you didn't mention Al Gore's position that we should harness the power of the Sun
Pelosi: oh Al - i tell you he is annoying - i was trying to enjoy a cocktail weenie the other night and he pulled it out of my hand yelling 'do you know how many polar bears died to wrap bacon and cheese around this tiny hot dog'!!??
Brokaw: he is a tedious fucker
Brokaw: pleez divide the party and bash the nominee over vice president
Pelosi: oh fuck off Tom
Brokaw: pleeeez
Pelosi: no
Brokaw: so-called polls support Obama on the economy but as well as know they are running for the office of Commander in Chief of the America People and he fails
Pelosi: well he was right on Iraq
Brokaw: but but but the polls!
Pelosi: bring it on your cotton-mouthed South Dakotan Villager
Brokaw: As well know The Surge Was Successful
Pelosi: was it?
Brokaw: YES!!
Pelosi: are you sure
Brokaw: goddammit i have piece of paper from the RNC do you think they would lie
Pelosi: didn't they say in a blast fax that Al Gore invented the internet
Brokaw: and that was true
Pelosi: [ reaches across table, slaps Post-It Note labeled "DUMBASS" on Brokaw's forehead ]
Brokaw: [ stares up at own forehead ]
Brokaw: Speaker when does life begin?
Pelosi: if a bunch of celibate old white men in medieval times couldn't figure it out what makes us think we possibly could?
Brokaw: wow that is a good point
Pelosi: then you have the freewheelin' supreme court
Brokaw: the Church now says it’s when sperm meets egg
Pelosi: what's their position on when molestation occurs?
Brokaw: i believe at the moment of conviction
[ break ]
Brokaw: Biden!!
Ifill: fehh a 65 year old white man
Brokaw: hey!
Ifill: eh - at least he reached out to the crackers
Brokaw: i couldn't believe the v.p democratic nominee criticized the GOP nominee after all he was a POW!!
Todd: wow Brokaw you really are a D.C. fucker aren't you - that sure didn't take long
Brokaw: for non partisan perspective here's Parson Meacham
Meacham: Obama raised himself and taught himself kung fu fighting in indonesia
Brokaw: Gotcha! I though he stood for passive surrender
Brokaw: Hillary!!
Todd: the Hillary votes are concerned about issues not personality
Brokaw: but then they should support Obama - it's a no brainer
Todd: well then they are concerned about whether Obama is ready
Brokaw: hmmmm
Todd: she has to tell America this guy is ready to Command white boys and girls
Meachem: people have a hard time envisioning Obama in the White House
Brokaw: well of course he's black
Obama: he's seems foreign
Brokaw: and muslim
Ifill: and they're so knee-jerk on drilling it's very unseemly
Brokaw: who among us doesn't want to drill off new york city
Todd: McCain always wins the daily news cycle i have no idea how that happens
Brokaw: no idea here
The Chris Matthews Show - August 24, 2007
*******************************************
The Chris Matthews Show
August 24, 2008
********************************************
Ron Allen: Obama has a problem with old white men
Katty Kay: Biden is effective and he and he does it with humor
Tweety: the Velvet Revolver!
Cynthia Cottle: he’s ‘Joey from Scranton’
Chris: ‘Joey’ i love it
Kay: he's teh Kangaroo Kandidate
Stengel: when he puts his arm around the skinny white elitist its very American
Allen: his message to racist whites is calm the fuck down i know he looks funny but Barack Obama is one of us
Kay: but most Americans see the 30-year senator as an insider
Chris: no he's like me and Tim Russert we're all just a bunch of blue-collar workers
Kay: i'm suspicious
Chris: I've never seen him at one of Sally Quinn's key parties
Stengel: i love those
Chris: how does Obama remain Britney and also maintain the ‘wow factor’ and connect with the gas prices crowd
Stengel: Let Obama be Britney!
Chris: but McCain is the rich one
Allen: no no no Obama is the elitist i got the memo this morning!!!!
Chris: [ looks down ]
I see you are correct - today's memo says he is too cerebral to lead the largest nation on earth
Allen: I'm amazed that the elitist tag has stuck
Chris: Sally is very good
Stengel: Obama is fucked - his convention will go very well which will show how he is too popular
Chris: Let's talk about Bill Clinton!!
wow they all have prime time speaking roles let's talk about Jib Jab!!
Tweety: wow she is still calling him 'my opponent'
Allen: Real hillary supporters - real people - are still angry
Kay: it's still about her
Stengel: it's obama's fault for not vetting her
Chris: yes her supporters would be mollified by a symbolic token kabuki vetting
Cottle: her supporters are furious and want a day in the sun - also for Obama to graciously step aside in Denver
Chris: and that would satisfy them
Cottle: actually no
Kay: Obama is worried about such a flood of donations it will kill the internet
Tweety: yeah McCain has a problem too he has to take ten jars of heavy pennies to the bank
Cottle: picking Biden means McCain has to choose Romney not some dumbass like Huckabee
Stengel: ‘Time’ is having some crappy debate about national service like that will solve all our problems
Tweety: i love it - something no one can object to!!
Chris: GOP VP!!??
Kay: Romney for the economy
Allen: he has to think outside the box and choose a moderate like Lieberman
Stengel: he needs to choose a disruptive choice like a non-box thinking dude
Tweety: Brilliant!
Tweety: Thank god 4 Birch Bayh and title IX so our pretty ladies and beat up the world's pretty ladies!
The Chris Matthews Show
August 24, 2008
********************************************
Ron Allen: Obama has a problem with old white men
Katty Kay: Biden is effective and he and he does it with humor
Tweety: the Velvet Revolver!
Cynthia Cottle: he’s ‘Joey from Scranton’
Chris: ‘Joey’ i love it
Kay: he's teh Kangaroo Kandidate
Stengel: when he puts his arm around the skinny white elitist its very American
Allen: his message to racist whites is calm the fuck down i know he looks funny but Barack Obama is one of us
Kay: but most Americans see the 30-year senator as an insider
Chris: no he's like me and Tim Russert we're all just a bunch of blue-collar workers
Kay: i'm suspicious
Chris: I've never seen him at one of Sally Quinn's key parties
Stengel: i love those
Chris: how does Obama remain Britney and also maintain the ‘wow factor’ and connect with the gas prices crowd
Stengel: Let Obama be Britney!
Chris: but McCain is the rich one
Allen: no no no Obama is the elitist i got the memo this morning!!!!
Chris: [ looks down ]
I see you are correct - today's memo says he is too cerebral to lead the largest nation on earth
Allen: I'm amazed that the elitist tag has stuck
Chris: Sally is very good
Stengel: Obama is fucked - his convention will go very well which will show how he is too popular
Chris: Let's talk about Bill Clinton!!
wow they all have prime time speaking roles let's talk about Jib Jab!!
Tweety: wow she is still calling him 'my opponent'
Allen: Real hillary supporters - real people - are still angry
Kay: it's still about her
Stengel: it's obama's fault for not vetting her
Chris: yes her supporters would be mollified by a symbolic token kabuki vetting
Cottle: her supporters are furious and want a day in the sun - also for Obama to graciously step aside in Denver
Chris: and that would satisfy them
Cottle: actually no
Kay: Obama is worried about such a flood of donations it will kill the internet
Tweety: yeah McCain has a problem too he has to take ten jars of heavy pennies to the bank
Cottle: picking Biden means McCain has to choose Romney not some dumbass like Huckabee
Stengel: ‘Time’ is having some crappy debate about national service like that will solve all our problems
Tweety: i love it - something no one can object to!!
Chris: GOP VP!!??
Kay: Romney for the economy
Allen: he has to think outside the box and choose a moderate like Lieberman
Stengel: he needs to choose a disruptive choice like a non-box thinking dude
Tweety: Brilliant!
Tweety: Thank god 4 Birch Bayh and title IX so our pretty ladies and beat up the world's pretty ladies!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Barack Obama’s Announcemnt of Joe Biden as his candidate for Vice President
***********************************************
Obama's Introduction of Joe Biden as his Choice for Democratic Nominee for Vice President
Springfield, Illinois
August 23, 2008
Speakers:
Sen. Barack Obama
Sen. Joe Biden
***********************************************
Obama: Hellllloooooooo Springfield!!!
Obama: Are the Simpsons in teh House?!?!!!
Homer: woo-hoo!!!!!
Marge: Homey!!
Obama: Thanks Dick Durbin!
Bart: ha ha he said dick
Homer: hee hee hee
Lisa: [ rolls eyes]
Marge: Hmmmmmrrrrrrr
Obama: holy shit almost 2 years ago I said I was gonna be president and no one believed it
Crowd: yaaaaaaay
Obama: as i've traveled all across america i have realized this one truly fucked up nation
Crowd: yeah!!!
Obama: The Time for Change has come
Crowd: Wooooooooo!!!!
Obama: I've searched America for a decent capable old white man
and searched
and searched
Crowd: yay!!!
Obama: and i did not find that man -- so I finally picked Joe Biden
Crowd: whooooooooo!!!
Obama: he is uniquely suited to be my attack dog who is also acceptable to the D.C. media
Crowd: clap clap clap
Obama: Joe Biden was born in Buffalo to Tim Russert's father
this was so traumatic he developed a stutter
Crowd: [ laughs ]
Obama: then as a child he worked in the sweatshop paper mills of Dunder Mifflin
then became a single father which as we all know is a sign of elitism
and rides a train every day which as we all know is all about communism
Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaaaayyy!!
Obama: then he had brain aneurysm - let's face it, between living in Scranton, a childhood working in the Dunder Mifflin paper mill, and catholic school - the man has had it rough
Crowd: awwwwwwwwww
Obama: he looked Slobodan Milosovic in the eyes and told him he was a terrible dresser
he's met with dictators and been in war zones and he even went to Georgia and ate at the best Italian restaurant in Atlanta - the Olive Garden - that my friends is sacrifice
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaayyy!!!
Obama: He's a true statesman who has authored legislation and knows government and foreign affairs and the supreme court has met with world leaders and and done more than i have and that is why he is ready to have a job with no responsibilities whatsoever!!!
Crowd: WOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Obama: it is time for truly radical change - it is time to turn the page - it is time to rock the world - IT IS TIME FOR JOE BIDEN!!!
Crowd: [ clap clap clap ]
Obama: The Next President -- Bruce Springsteen!!!!!
Crowd: Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuceeeeee!!!!
Biden: i not only know how many houses i have i know where my feet are!!
Crowd: Yaaaayy!!!!!!
Biden: Barack is the son of a globe trotting do-gooding white woman and kenyan alcoholic muslim man -- just like me!
Crowd: Wooooo-hoooooo!!!
Biden: laddies and doods teh american dream is to grow up blue-collar and spend your life in teh senate and then run for a meaningless job under a black man half your age
Crowd: [ applause ]
Biden: i know you people are poor and hurting and bush-cheney are fucking you over
Crowd: right on!
Biden: laddies and gentlepersons let's face it there is one hell of a big Shitpile out there
Crowd: damm right!
Biden: i know you sit at the kitchen table and worry -- well John McCain has it worse than you do -- he can't decide which of his 7 tables to sit at
Crowd: HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Biden: but the good news we got the skinny guy from Chicago with the funny name
Biden: but we will succeed by telling people the truth
Crowd: no don't do that
Biden: there are 44 senators older than me
Crowd: holy shit
Biden: the reckoning is now
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaayy!!
Biden: i like John McCain but I'm afraid to say that John supports George Bush
Crowd: Oh noes!
Biden: hell he thinks Bush has been a good president
Crowd: noooooooooooo
Biden: he supported Stupid on Iraq
Crowd: OMG!!!!
Crowd: YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN
Biden: holy shit who are these crazy people
Biden: i like Barack America
Crowd: OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA
Biden: all right jeez
Biden: but i admit the guy kicked my ass in the primaries and he's got something good
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Biden: he's a clear eye pragmatist!!
Crowd: YEAAAAAAAH!!!
Biden: he fought against nukes and for ethics and wounded soldiers
Crowd: preach it brother
Biden: What can I say - there is something about this guy - I sure wish i had it but i don't and frankly it's amazing
Crowd: suck it peeps!!
Biden: Obama fought in Patton's army and won eight gold medals and will raise your kids in space
Obama: Boooo-yaaaaaaah!!!!
Biden: i'm here for the white people, the blue-collar workers, the lunch bucket carriers, the mullet wearers of America!!!
Crowd: amen!
Biden: This is America's time and may Jesus Mary and Joseph protect America's troops!!!
Crowd: BIII-DENN!!!! BIIII-DENN!!! BIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!!
Obama's Introduction of Joe Biden as his Choice for Democratic Nominee for Vice President
Springfield, Illinois
August 23, 2008
Speakers:
Sen. Barack Obama
Sen. Joe Biden
***********************************************
Obama: Hellllloooooooo Springfield!!!
Obama: Are the Simpsons in teh House?!?!!!
Homer: woo-hoo!!!!!
Marge: Homey!!
Obama: Thanks Dick Durbin!
Bart: ha ha he said dick
Homer: hee hee hee
Lisa: [ rolls eyes]
Marge: Hmmmmmrrrrrrr
Obama: holy shit almost 2 years ago I said I was gonna be president and no one believed it
Crowd: yaaaaaaay
Obama: as i've traveled all across america i have realized this one truly fucked up nation
Crowd: yeah!!!
Obama: The Time for Change has come
Crowd: Wooooooooo!!!!
Obama: I've searched America for a decent capable old white man
and searched
and searched
Crowd: yay!!!
Obama: and i did not find that man -- so I finally picked Joe Biden
Crowd: whooooooooo!!!
Obama: he is uniquely suited to be my attack dog who is also acceptable to the D.C. media
Crowd: clap clap clap
Obama: Joe Biden was born in Buffalo to Tim Russert's father
this was so traumatic he developed a stutter
Crowd: [ laughs ]
Obama: then as a child he worked in the sweatshop paper mills of Dunder Mifflin
then became a single father which as we all know is a sign of elitism
and rides a train every day which as we all know is all about communism
Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaaaayyy!!
Obama: then he had brain aneurysm - let's face it, between living in Scranton, a childhood working in the Dunder Mifflin paper mill, and catholic school - the man has had it rough
Crowd: awwwwwwwwww
Obama: he looked Slobodan Milosovic in the eyes and told him he was a terrible dresser
he's met with dictators and been in war zones and he even went to Georgia and ate at the best Italian restaurant in Atlanta - the Olive Garden - that my friends is sacrifice
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaayyy!!!
Obama: He's a true statesman who has authored legislation and knows government and foreign affairs and the supreme court has met with world leaders and and done more than i have and that is why he is ready to have a job with no responsibilities whatsoever!!!
Crowd: WOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Obama: it is time for truly radical change - it is time to turn the page - it is time to rock the world - IT IS TIME FOR JOE BIDEN!!!
Crowd: [ clap clap clap ]
Obama: The Next President -- Bruce Springsteen!!!!!
Crowd: Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuceeeeee!!!!
Biden: i not only know how many houses i have i know where my feet are!!
Crowd: Yaaaayy!!!!!!
Biden: Barack is the son of a globe trotting do-gooding white woman and kenyan alcoholic muslim man -- just like me!
Crowd: Wooooo-hoooooo!!!
Biden: laddies and doods teh american dream is to grow up blue-collar and spend your life in teh senate and then run for a meaningless job under a black man half your age
Crowd: [ applause ]
Biden: i know you people are poor and hurting and bush-cheney are fucking you over
Crowd: right on!
Biden: laddies and gentlepersons let's face it there is one hell of a big Shitpile out there
Crowd: damm right!
Biden: i know you sit at the kitchen table and worry -- well John McCain has it worse than you do -- he can't decide which of his 7 tables to sit at
Crowd: HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Biden: but the good news we got the skinny guy from Chicago with the funny name
Biden: but we will succeed by telling people the truth
Crowd: no don't do that
Biden: there are 44 senators older than me
Crowd: holy shit
Biden: the reckoning is now
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaayy!!
Biden: i like John McCain but I'm afraid to say that John supports George Bush
Crowd: Oh noes!
Biden: hell he thinks Bush has been a good president
Crowd: noooooooooooo
Biden: he supported Stupid on Iraq
Crowd: OMG!!!!
Crowd: YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN
Biden: holy shit who are these crazy people
Biden: i like Barack America
Crowd: OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA
Biden: all right jeez
Biden: but i admit the guy kicked my ass in the primaries and he's got something good
Crowd: yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Biden: he's a clear eye pragmatist!!
Crowd: YEAAAAAAAH!!!
Biden: he fought against nukes and for ethics and wounded soldiers
Crowd: preach it brother
Biden: What can I say - there is something about this guy - I sure wish i had it but i don't and frankly it's amazing
Crowd: suck it peeps!!
Biden: Obama fought in Patton's army and won eight gold medals and will raise your kids in space
Obama: Boooo-yaaaaaaah!!!!
Biden: i'm here for the white people, the blue-collar workers, the lunch bucket carriers, the mullet wearers of America!!!
Crowd: amen!
Biden: This is America's time and may Jesus Mary and Joseph protect America's troops!!!
Crowd: BIII-DENN!!!! BIIII-DENN!!! BIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!! BIIII-DENNN!!!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Olympic Opening Ceremonies - Bobblespeak Special Edition
********************************************************
Olympic Opening Ceremonies
Hosts:
Bob Costas
Matt Lauer
***********************************************
Costas: I tell you if you can’t see this is is amazing
Lauer: we’re not on the radio Bob
Costas: so
Lauer: so anyone listening is watching too
Costas: and now, and all-star tribute to the Cultural Revolution, starring Jet Li and Chow Yun Fat
Lauer: these little lights represent the 50 million people who starved to death under Mao.
Costas: the chinese invented the kite
Lauer: i thought that was benjamin franklin
Costas: i dont think he was chinese
Lauer: well what did he invent
Costas: i think the stove or the franklin mint
Lauer: i like mints on my pillow
Costas: hey look the people are forming the shape of refugees displaced by the three gorges dam
Lauer: you can’t say dam on tv dammit
Costas: now they are doing tai chi
Lauer: Starbucks sells that milk and sugar
Costas: the Chinese are now waving their arms for our visually impaired viewers
Lauer: I think I mr. miagyi
Costas: wax on wax off
Lauer: wow its like a big quentin tarantino movie
Costas: water is important
Lauer: i like water mixed with scotch
Costas: this may be lost on some viewers but i'm not wearing pants
Lauer: oooh karate
Costas: no that's japanese
Lauer: ok then tae kwon do
Costas: try again genius
Lauer: judo
Costas: one more
Lauer: ju jitsu?
[ hits him with a rolled up newspaper ]
Costas: even more masses of orientals doing martial arts
Lauer: I’m officially scared now
Costas: this is - as they say - vaguely threatening
Lauer: i want my mommy
Costas: this is the space version of the program
Lauer: the chinese are going to take over the moon
Costas: oh noes
Lauer: hey look a tribute to the mother ship from Close Encounters
Costas: oh goody sarah brightman
Lauer: now finally we get some real culture
Costas: now they are holding up pictures of all the chinese babies adopted by americans
Lauer: wow there are thousands of them
Costas: and that's just angelia jolie
Costas: this is china's finest moment
Lauer: that and the invention of kung pao chicken
Costas: nobody puts General Tso in a corner!
Costas: and here are the caymans
Lauer: a cayman bit my sister
Costas: leading for the Cayman Islands is ken lay
Costas: oh thank god a safe topic - here's Israel
Lauer: the japanese have an old guy who's an equestrian
Costas: that dood from Letters from Iwo Jima?
Costas: Taiwan has it's own special flag due its controversial status
Lauer: just like the confederate states had their own flag in 1996
Costas: there's an old white guy on Gambia's team
Lauer: is that john McCain?
Costas: Mayor Daley is here to get tips
Lauer: on hosting teh games?
Costas: no rigging elections
Costas: here's saint lucia
Lauer: where? i don't see her
Costas: there's Djibouti
Lauer: thanks for noticing bob, i've been working out
Costas: how will they light the flame this year?
Lauer: we all recall 1996 when they fired Muhammad Ali through the air - that was beautiful
Costas: here's lithuania
Lauer: they clearly just came from a frat party
Costas: here is niger
Lauer: [ looks down at cue card ]
Oh man that was a close one!
Costas: here's lichtenstein
Lauer: when they run into san marino they're gonna throw down
Costas: look here are the people left alive in Iraq
Lauer: Bush is applauding their survival of his brutal regime
Costas: no one loves iran
Lauer: no nukes for you!
Costas: Hungary!
Lauer: no thanks i just ate
Costas: here's the DR
Lauer: good i have a tummy ache
Costas: here's Tonga
Lauer: i love their trucks
Costas: wow wimmin in Jordan
Lauer: Be like Mike
Costas: Finland!
Lauer: the President of Finland is really hot
Costas: POFILF!
Costas: where's suriname?
Lauer: it's Lauer bob you know that
Costas: Yes, nothing says Olympic athlete like a MacDonald's supersized meal
Lauer: Latvia appears to have borrowed their uniforms from Burger King
Costas: Kazakhstan, holy fuck -- it's like a kid's birthday party meets project runway!
Costas: Here's the Czech republic, another nation McCain has never heard of
Costas: El Salvador's flag bearer was chosen through on online poll
Lauer: i was wondering what stephen colbert was doing there
Costas: Vietnam's flag bearer offered to free John McCain 40 years ago and he said no
Lauer: we've all had a guest we can't get to leave
Costas: here's the team from Fiji
Lauer: i didn't know corporations got to have teams
Costas: and here's Montenegro
Lauer: whew - another close one!
Costas: and here's the cast from 'Lost'
Lauer: i didn't know they had their own country
Costas: oh yes it's all legal
Lauer: look new zealand
Costas: why is he dressed like the Hawkmen from Flash Gordon?
Lauer: i do not know
Costas: I don't think Moldova ever got over the massacre of Dynasty
Lauer: Hu Jintao just slipped Bush 20 bucks.
Costas: folks Yao Ming just beat Matt Lauer to death with his microphone.
Chinese Organizer: yes i am speaking in Chinese then English, but your grandchildren will speak Chinese then English
Costas: Good night everyone I’m terrified
Olympic Opening Ceremonies
Hosts:
Bob Costas
Matt Lauer
***********************************************
Costas: I tell you if you can’t see this is is amazing
Lauer: we’re not on the radio Bob
Costas: so
Lauer: so anyone listening is watching too
Costas: and now, and all-star tribute to the Cultural Revolution, starring Jet Li and Chow Yun Fat
Lauer: these little lights represent the 50 million people who starved to death under Mao.
Costas: the chinese invented the kite
Lauer: i thought that was benjamin franklin
Costas: i dont think he was chinese
Lauer: well what did he invent
Costas: i think the stove or the franklin mint
Lauer: i like mints on my pillow
Costas: hey look the people are forming the shape of refugees displaced by the three gorges dam
Lauer: you can’t say dam on tv dammit
Costas: now they are doing tai chi
Lauer: Starbucks sells that milk and sugar
Costas: the Chinese are now waving their arms for our visually impaired viewers
Lauer: I think I mr. miagyi
Costas: wax on wax off
Lauer: wow its like a big quentin tarantino movie
Costas: water is important
Lauer: i like water mixed with scotch
Costas: this may be lost on some viewers but i'm not wearing pants
Lauer: oooh karate
Costas: no that's japanese
Lauer: ok then tae kwon do
Costas: try again genius
Lauer: judo
Costas: one more
Lauer: ju jitsu?
[ hits him with a rolled up newspaper ]
Costas: even more masses of orientals doing martial arts
Lauer: I’m officially scared now
Costas: this is - as they say - vaguely threatening
Lauer: i want my mommy
Costas: this is the space version of the program
Lauer: the chinese are going to take over the moon
Costas: oh noes
Lauer: hey look a tribute to the mother ship from Close Encounters
Costas: oh goody sarah brightman
Lauer: now finally we get some real culture
Costas: now they are holding up pictures of all the chinese babies adopted by americans
Lauer: wow there are thousands of them
Costas: and that's just angelia jolie
Costas: this is china's finest moment
Lauer: that and the invention of kung pao chicken
Costas: nobody puts General Tso in a corner!
Costas: and here are the caymans
Lauer: a cayman bit my sister
Costas: leading for the Cayman Islands is ken lay
Costas: oh thank god a safe topic - here's Israel
Lauer: the japanese have an old guy who's an equestrian
Costas: that dood from Letters from Iwo Jima?
Costas: Taiwan has it's own special flag due its controversial status
Lauer: just like the confederate states had their own flag in 1996
Costas: there's an old white guy on Gambia's team
Lauer: is that john McCain?
Costas: Mayor Daley is here to get tips
Lauer: on hosting teh games?
Costas: no rigging elections
Costas: here's saint lucia
Lauer: where? i don't see her
Costas: there's Djibouti
Lauer: thanks for noticing bob, i've been working out
Costas: how will they light the flame this year?
Lauer: we all recall 1996 when they fired Muhammad Ali through the air - that was beautiful
Costas: here's lithuania
Lauer: they clearly just came from a frat party
Costas: here is niger
Lauer: [ looks down at cue card ]
Oh man that was a close one!
Costas: here's lichtenstein
Lauer: when they run into san marino they're gonna throw down
Costas: look here are the people left alive in Iraq
Lauer: Bush is applauding their survival of his brutal regime
Costas: no one loves iran
Lauer: no nukes for you!
Costas: Hungary!
Lauer: no thanks i just ate
Costas: here's the DR
Lauer: good i have a tummy ache
Costas: here's Tonga
Lauer: i love their trucks
Costas: wow wimmin in Jordan
Lauer: Be like Mike
Costas: Finland!
Lauer: the President of Finland is really hot
Costas: POFILF!
Costas: where's suriname?
Lauer: it's Lauer bob you know that
Costas: Yes, nothing says Olympic athlete like a MacDonald's supersized meal
Lauer: Latvia appears to have borrowed their uniforms from Burger King
Costas: Kazakhstan, holy fuck -- it's like a kid's birthday party meets project runway!
Costas: Here's the Czech republic, another nation McCain has never heard of
Costas: El Salvador's flag bearer was chosen through on online poll
Lauer: i was wondering what stephen colbert was doing there
Costas: Vietnam's flag bearer offered to free John McCain 40 years ago and he said no
Lauer: we've all had a guest we can't get to leave
Costas: here's the team from Fiji
Lauer: i didn't know corporations got to have teams
Costas: and here's Montenegro
Lauer: whew - another close one!
Costas: and here's the cast from 'Lost'
Lauer: i didn't know they had their own country
Costas: oh yes it's all legal
Lauer: look new zealand
Costas: why is he dressed like the Hawkmen from Flash Gordon?
Lauer: i do not know
Costas: I don't think Moldova ever got over the massacre of Dynasty
Lauer: Hu Jintao just slipped Bush 20 bucks.
Costas: folks Yao Ming just beat Matt Lauer to death with his microphone.
Chinese Organizer: yes i am speaking in Chinese then English, but your grandchildren will speak Chinese then English
Costas: Good night everyone I’m terrified
Sunday, August 10, 2008
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - August 10, 2008
********************************************
This Week with George Stephanopoulos
August 10, 2008
Guest Host: Jake Tapper
Guests: Gov. Bill Richardson and Gov. Bobby Jindal
******************************************************
Tapper: hi in case you don't who the fuck i am - do not change your channel and watch women's dodgeball -- i'm jake tapper
Audience: hi jake
Tapper: why do you hate america, america?
Audience: booooo
Tapper: Ok Bill-o what's up with Georgia
Richardson: we should go to the Security Council and get them to tell Russia to stop it
Tapper: but they're on the Security Council and can veto that
Richardson: see what a bad idea it is??
Tapper: But isn't John McCain right about everything - shouldn't we resort to name-calling and issue empty threats for all international problems?
Richardson: or we could try negotiation and diplomacy and see if we can get friends to help us
Tapper: oh fuck friendship - that's for weenies
Richardson: sure Tappy
Tapper: omg god this is a serious crisis is it really appropriate to point out that John McCain's top policy guy took money from Georgia while discussing a crisis in Georgia??
Richardson: you're right i apologize - but Obama will bring together unlike Senator McLobbyist
Tapper: Is John Edwards’ career over??
Richardson: oh sure John McCain committed adultery and his career was pretty much destroyed
Tapper: no fair - it's different he's a Republican no one expects them be moral
Richardson: yeah I figured that out
Tapper: if we had drilled offshore 10 years ago we would reap benefits of great lower gas prices right now - isn't the energy crisis all Bill Clinton's fault??
Richardson: thank you for editorializing on behalf of the McCain campaign this morning it saves time
Tapper: you’re welcome
Tapper: what do Hillary supporters want?
Richardson: hell if I know - Hillary wants money and I'm helping her get it
Tapper: Bobby Jindal is Barack Obama an agent of the Kremlin?
Jindal: yes
Tapper: what else
Jindal: he's too young - who can trust him??
Tapper: so are you
Jindal: exactly who on earth would you trust me??
Tapper: McCain says Obama voted for a pork barrel energy bill that you also voted for
Jindal: that was a great bill - there was lots of money that saved coastlines
Tapper: so why did McCain vote against it
Jindal: he's a maverick!
Tapper: should we drill in the Arctic or not?
Jindal: hell yeah - my state is despoiled we should be the only ones to suffer??
Tapper: so McCain is wrong
Jindal: no he's embraced solar energy
Tapper: so should we put solar panels back on the white house?
Jindal: hell no that would surrender to the Heliofascist Conspiracy
Tapper: Democrats in Louisiana are racist but isn't the McCain wallowing in that shit too?
Jindal: of course - but I'm supporting McCain because i'm a loony and i resent the implication that a brown person can't be just as crazy as a white Republican
Tapper: sorry
Jindal: that’s better!
Tapper: should Obama cockpunch McCain?
Will: no Obama is haughty and pretentious and has grandeur
Tapper: seen a mirror lately George?
Cokie: he is the worst whippersnapper ever to darken my home city - what is he doing in a foreign exotic place like the set of Lost?? oh my stars!!!
[ whips out fan and pearls ]
Clarke: oh calm down cokie
Tapper: tire gauges - Torie!!
Clarke: this is ridiculous - all i know is people should inflate their tires and Obama is a silly person
Bye: there is no such thing as right or wrong -- i will simply repeat the campaign talking points
Cokie: this is horrible even Lindsay Graham undercut my best friend John McCain
Tapper: what the fuck does McCain believe anyway?
Will: McCain's charm is that he doesn't believe anything - he just reacts on instinct
Cokie: that's what we need - a true break from the Bush administration!
Cokie: no one likes self-righteousness
Tapper: seen a mirror lately Cokie??
Tapper: Edwards!!
Torie: women cheat too - but female politicians have already scarificed too much to get where they are whereas men see fooling around as a perk of the office
Will: why didn't the press report on this unknown fake non-story before?
Tapper: maybe they didn't know or care
Will: if the press had reported on that fucker FDR's wheelchair we would have been spared that damm New Deal
Bye: this is just like Larry Craig although he committed a crime
Cokie: Edwards is news because he might have been attorney general under Obama and we can't have an AG with a wandering penis
Will: Obama is too soft on Russia they are an evil empire
Tapper: but Bush was hugging Putin at the Olympics
Torie: true but Bill Richardson has a beard and is fat
Cokie: why don't we rush to Georgia's aid and send troops now??
Will: i loved the attack on the Falklands we should do that again
Cokie: Obama needs to surround himself with a white-haired respected guy like Nunn -- i just don't trust that dood
Tori: Nunn- give me a break
Tapper: does Evan Bayh provide gravitas
Cokie: i like Evan Bayh
Will: Bayh or be radical and choose Biden
Tori: yes it must be Bayh
Tapper: Bayh it is - Barack -- The DC Beltway Establishment has spoken
Obama: [watching tv at home in Hawaii]
oh well fuck all of you then
This Week with George Stephanopoulos
August 10, 2008
Guest Host: Jake Tapper
Guests: Gov. Bill Richardson and Gov. Bobby Jindal
******************************************************
Tapper: hi in case you don't who the fuck i am - do not change your channel and watch women's dodgeball -- i'm jake tapper
Audience: hi jake
Tapper: why do you hate america, america?
Audience: booooo
Tapper: Ok Bill-o what's up with Georgia
Richardson: we should go to the Security Council and get them to tell Russia to stop it
Tapper: but they're on the Security Council and can veto that
Richardson: see what a bad idea it is??
Tapper: But isn't John McCain right about everything - shouldn't we resort to name-calling and issue empty threats for all international problems?
Richardson: or we could try negotiation and diplomacy and see if we can get friends to help us
Tapper: oh fuck friendship - that's for weenies
Richardson: sure Tappy
Tapper: omg god this is a serious crisis is it really appropriate to point out that John McCain's top policy guy took money from Georgia while discussing a crisis in Georgia??
Richardson: you're right i apologize - but Obama will bring together unlike Senator McLobbyist
Tapper: Is John Edwards’ career over??
Richardson: oh sure John McCain committed adultery and his career was pretty much destroyed
Tapper: no fair - it's different he's a Republican no one expects them be moral
Richardson: yeah I figured that out
Tapper: if we had drilled offshore 10 years ago we would reap benefits of great lower gas prices right now - isn't the energy crisis all Bill Clinton's fault??
Richardson: thank you for editorializing on behalf of the McCain campaign this morning it saves time
Tapper: you’re welcome
Tapper: what do Hillary supporters want?
Richardson: hell if I know - Hillary wants money and I'm helping her get it
Tapper: Bobby Jindal is Barack Obama an agent of the Kremlin?
Jindal: yes
Tapper: what else
Jindal: he's too young - who can trust him??
Tapper: so are you
Jindal: exactly who on earth would you trust me??
Tapper: McCain says Obama voted for a pork barrel energy bill that you also voted for
Jindal: that was a great bill - there was lots of money that saved coastlines
Tapper: so why did McCain vote against it
Jindal: he's a maverick!
Tapper: should we drill in the Arctic or not?
Jindal: hell yeah - my state is despoiled we should be the only ones to suffer??
Tapper: so McCain is wrong
Jindal: no he's embraced solar energy
Tapper: so should we put solar panels back on the white house?
Jindal: hell no that would surrender to the Heliofascist Conspiracy
Tapper: Democrats in Louisiana are racist but isn't the McCain wallowing in that shit too?
Jindal: of course - but I'm supporting McCain because i'm a loony and i resent the implication that a brown person can't be just as crazy as a white Republican
Tapper: sorry
Jindal: that’s better!
Tapper: should Obama cockpunch McCain?
Will: no Obama is haughty and pretentious and has grandeur
Tapper: seen a mirror lately George?
Cokie: he is the worst whippersnapper ever to darken my home city - what is he doing in a foreign exotic place like the set of Lost?? oh my stars!!!
[ whips out fan and pearls ]
Clarke: oh calm down cokie
Tapper: tire gauges - Torie!!
Clarke: this is ridiculous - all i know is people should inflate their tires and Obama is a silly person
Bye: there is no such thing as right or wrong -- i will simply repeat the campaign talking points
Cokie: this is horrible even Lindsay Graham undercut my best friend John McCain
Tapper: what the fuck does McCain believe anyway?
Will: McCain's charm is that he doesn't believe anything - he just reacts on instinct
Cokie: that's what we need - a true break from the Bush administration!
Cokie: no one likes self-righteousness
Tapper: seen a mirror lately Cokie??
Tapper: Edwards!!
Torie: women cheat too - but female politicians have already scarificed too much to get where they are whereas men see fooling around as a perk of the office
Will: why didn't the press report on this unknown fake non-story before?
Tapper: maybe they didn't know or care
Will: if the press had reported on that fucker FDR's wheelchair we would have been spared that damm New Deal
Bye: this is just like Larry Craig although he committed a crime
Cokie: Edwards is news because he might have been attorney general under Obama and we can't have an AG with a wandering penis
Will: Obama is too soft on Russia they are an evil empire
Tapper: but Bush was hugging Putin at the Olympics
Torie: true but Bill Richardson has a beard and is fat
Cokie: why don't we rush to Georgia's aid and send troops now??
Will: i loved the attack on the Falklands we should do that again
Cokie: Obama needs to surround himself with a white-haired respected guy like Nunn -- i just don't trust that dood
Tori: Nunn- give me a break
Tapper: does Evan Bayh provide gravitas
Cokie: i like Evan Bayh
Will: Bayh or be radical and choose Biden
Tori: yes it must be Bayh
Tapper: Bayh it is - Barack -- The DC Beltway Establishment has spoken
Obama: [watching tv at home in Hawaii]
oh well fuck all of you then
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Meet the Press with Joe Lieberman and John Kerry - August 3, 2007
*****************************
Meet The Press
August 3, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guests:
Sen. John Kerry
Sen. Joe Lieberman
*****************************
Brokaw: So holy Joe Saint McCain says we should have a respectful campaign but then we have an ad with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton - is that respectful?
Lieberman: oh it's definitely respectful - but if it isn't people should lie back and relax enjoy it - but we compare him to Moses which is a compliment - but if it isn't then people should get a sense of humor
Brokaw: ok that's stupid
Lieberman: but this is a very very serious the ad goes to a very specific point - which is that Obama is popular in Germany and other countries and we can't have that in an international war against terror
Brokaw: it seems like a stupid cheap mudslinging ad
Lieberman: no it has a very serious point - by having Britney Spears in it it shows that Obama is not in favor of offshore drilling!!
Kerry: they have decided they can't win on the issues so they've decided to take the low road of silly insults
Lieberman: no it's an ad that says we must elevate America's values by not electing a popular black man
Brokaw: Obama played the race card and you know it - that's what the dollar bill comment was
Kerry: no he said they are scaring the American people which McCain and Rove are doing
Lieberman: look it's obvious -- how can a man who commands crowds of 200,000 lead people?
Brokaw: but Wes Clark said being in a plane as it falls out of the sky is not a qualification for President
Kerry: well of course i disagree
Lieberman: McCain obeys the law of gravity whereas Obama floats above the earth - how can you trust him??
Brokaw: Obama flip-flopped on offshore drilling the liberal bloggers are gonna be mad!!
Kerry: it's a carefully circumcised proposal
Lieberman: ouch!
Kerry: Exxon made a trillion dollars last month
Lieberman: that's outrageous - but the point is that we are in a crisis and McCain has strength of decision -- he will rapidly make crazy-ass decisions while Obama will think about and use evidence and that will tell you what kind of President they both will be
Kerry: that's right McCain is an irrational whacko and Obama thinks carefully
Liberman: but that's American oil!!!
Obama is a bad man and i know John McCain and he is not a bigot
Kerry: high praise indeed from Holy Joe
Brokaw: Is John McCain Stupid?
Lieberman: McCain is all Male - believe me I know
Brokaw: he's lying and running an inept campaign
Lieberman: here's why I'm voting for him - he is not a partisan and he's really really old
Lieberman: he may raise taxes but he will break through partisan gridlock by running ads comparing his opponents to David Cook and Reese Witherspoon
Brokaw: admit it Frenchy the Surge worked
Kerry: no there were no surge troops until after the Anbar Awkening
Brokaw: well I will editorialize here now and disagree with you
Lieberman: John Kerry clearly hate the troops
Kerry: Maliki wants us to leave
Lieberman: no he doesn't
Brokaw: who can say?
Kerry: Obama was right about everything
Lieberman: Obama wants us to lose the war
Kerry: there's no political reconciliation
Lieberove: yes there is
Brokaw: that's right
Lieberman: Let me just say Obama doesn't care if we lose the war - also I hate mudslinging
[ break ]
Brokaw: how great was that Paris Hilton ad?
Murphy: it's incredibly stupid
Brokaw: is McCain fucked?
Murphy: no one will care about Obama's better makeup and mascara they will turn to a genuine dude like McCain
Todd: hitting Obama as a soft effete elitist is brilliant
Brokaw: no downside?
Todd: McCain wants to be Obama-lite and he isn't that
Brokaw: on noe
Todd: you can attack Obama for being ignorant and saying empty platitudes -- but that's what McCain does too!
Brokaw: so what's the lesson?
Todd: that the real election this year was between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama
Brokaw: How will Bill Clinton help Obama win?
Todd: by going to Africa
Woodruff: vice president - blah blah blah
Brokaw: Obama said he wants someone with integrity
Woodruff: well that rules out most of Washington
Brokaw: could it be Kaine?
Mitchell: yes but he once had a beard
Brokaw: just like lindsay graham
Mitchell: if Bill Clinton sticks around he overshadows Obama but if he's not around it shows disdain
Todd: choosing an elder statesman makes the candidate looks bad
Mitchell: Biden was not invited to Obama's birthday party because he hogs all the attention
Woodruff: criminy Spiro Agnew was on a ticket that won Obama could choose Ted Kascynzski and still win
Brokaw: actually it would help him carry Montana
Murphy: McCain is weak on defense so he should choose someone young and exciting like Bob Gates
Woodruff: speaking of vice president Obama flip flopped on drilling offshore
Todd: People will not give up their gas!!!
Mitchell: Alan Greenspan told me told me the unwashed masses are feeling it
Murphy: experts differ on whether drilling would bring down prices but the people love it
Brokaw: The Conventions!
Todd: Hagel and Clinton - there's a double header!
Mitchell: Lieberman can carry the jews of Florida when he speaks at the Convention
Brokaw: I’m bored give me your vice president picks
Woodruff: Bayh or Biden
Todd: Kaine or Bayh
Mitchell: Romeny
Murphy: Kaine
Woodfurff: Pawlenty or Kantor
Brokaw: oarsome
Meet The Press
August 3, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guests:
Sen. John Kerry
Sen. Joe Lieberman
*****************************
Brokaw: So holy Joe Saint McCain says we should have a respectful campaign but then we have an ad with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton - is that respectful?
Lieberman: oh it's definitely respectful - but if it isn't people should lie back and relax enjoy it - but we compare him to Moses which is a compliment - but if it isn't then people should get a sense of humor
Brokaw: ok that's stupid
Lieberman: but this is a very very serious the ad goes to a very specific point - which is that Obama is popular in Germany and other countries and we can't have that in an international war against terror
Brokaw: it seems like a stupid cheap mudslinging ad
Lieberman: no it has a very serious point - by having Britney Spears in it it shows that Obama is not in favor of offshore drilling!!
Kerry: they have decided they can't win on the issues so they've decided to take the low road of silly insults
Lieberman: no it's an ad that says we must elevate America's values by not electing a popular black man
Brokaw: Obama played the race card and you know it - that's what the dollar bill comment was
Kerry: no he said they are scaring the American people which McCain and Rove are doing
Lieberman: look it's obvious -- how can a man who commands crowds of 200,000 lead people?
Brokaw: but Wes Clark said being in a plane as it falls out of the sky is not a qualification for President
Kerry: well of course i disagree
Lieberman: McCain obeys the law of gravity whereas Obama floats above the earth - how can you trust him??
Brokaw: Obama flip-flopped on offshore drilling the liberal bloggers are gonna be mad!!
Kerry: it's a carefully circumcised proposal
Lieberman: ouch!
Kerry: Exxon made a trillion dollars last month
Lieberman: that's outrageous - but the point is that we are in a crisis and McCain has strength of decision -- he will rapidly make crazy-ass decisions while Obama will think about and use evidence and that will tell you what kind of President they both will be
Kerry: that's right McCain is an irrational whacko and Obama thinks carefully
Liberman: but that's American oil!!!
Obama is a bad man and i know John McCain and he is not a bigot
Kerry: high praise indeed from Holy Joe
Brokaw: Is John McCain Stupid?
Lieberman: McCain is all Male - believe me I know
Brokaw: he's lying and running an inept campaign
Lieberman: here's why I'm voting for him - he is not a partisan and he's really really old
Lieberman: he may raise taxes but he will break through partisan gridlock by running ads comparing his opponents to David Cook and Reese Witherspoon
Brokaw: admit it Frenchy the Surge worked
Kerry: no there were no surge troops until after the Anbar Awkening
Brokaw: well I will editorialize here now and disagree with you
Lieberman: John Kerry clearly hate the troops
Kerry: Maliki wants us to leave
Lieberman: no he doesn't
Brokaw: who can say?
Kerry: Obama was right about everything
Lieberman: Obama wants us to lose the war
Kerry: there's no political reconciliation
Lieberove: yes there is
Brokaw: that's right
Lieberman: Let me just say Obama doesn't care if we lose the war - also I hate mudslinging
[ break ]
Brokaw: how great was that Paris Hilton ad?
Murphy: it's incredibly stupid
Brokaw: is McCain fucked?
Murphy: no one will care about Obama's better makeup and mascara they will turn to a genuine dude like McCain
Todd: hitting Obama as a soft effete elitist is brilliant
Brokaw: no downside?
Todd: McCain wants to be Obama-lite and he isn't that
Brokaw: on noe
Todd: you can attack Obama for being ignorant and saying empty platitudes -- but that's what McCain does too!
Brokaw: so what's the lesson?
Todd: that the real election this year was between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama
Brokaw: How will Bill Clinton help Obama win?
Todd: by going to Africa
Woodruff: vice president - blah blah blah
Brokaw: Obama said he wants someone with integrity
Woodruff: well that rules out most of Washington
Brokaw: could it be Kaine?
Mitchell: yes but he once had a beard
Brokaw: just like lindsay graham
Mitchell: if Bill Clinton sticks around he overshadows Obama but if he's not around it shows disdain
Todd: choosing an elder statesman makes the candidate looks bad
Mitchell: Biden was not invited to Obama's birthday party because he hogs all the attention
Woodruff: criminy Spiro Agnew was on a ticket that won Obama could choose Ted Kascynzski and still win
Brokaw: actually it would help him carry Montana
Murphy: McCain is weak on defense so he should choose someone young and exciting like Bob Gates
Woodruff: speaking of vice president Obama flip flopped on drilling offshore
Todd: People will not give up their gas!!!
Mitchell: Alan Greenspan told me told me the unwashed masses are feeling it
Murphy: experts differ on whether drilling would bring down prices but the people love it
Brokaw: The Conventions!
Todd: Hagel and Clinton - there's a double header!
Mitchell: Lieberman can carry the jews of Florida when he speaks at the Convention
Brokaw: I’m bored give me your vice president picks
Woodruff: Bayh or Biden
Todd: Kaine or Bayh
Mitchell: Romeny
Murphy: Kaine
Woodfurff: Pawlenty or Kantor
Brokaw: oarsome
The Chris Matthews Show - August 3, 2008
*****************************
The Chris Matthews Show
August 3, 2008
*****************************
Matthews: what should Obama do?
Robinson: bring 15 guys home from Iraq
Borger: bring black power into the white house
Klein: he can't end the war and fix the economy he must choose
Bumilller: politics is real and he must deal
Tweety: i love it!
Klein: but this is different from Bill Clinton because everyone hates Republicans
Tweety: except for you because you say liberals hate america
Klein: right i'm in the middle - i'm neither a lying fuckward or a dirty hippie
Robinson: doods the Democrats might also win the house and Senate and feel their oats
Tweety: that's a lot of power
Klein: that's a lot of red diapers
Tweety: what if it's a Dem landslide in Congress and the White House
Borger: that is very bad news for the Dems and Obama
Bumiller: Obama has to solve peace in the middle east
Klein: how could Obama allow Pakistan to have nukes and terrorists???
Tweety: will Obama pleez work with the Republicans??
Borger: yes if he is willing to compromise - after all there are two sides to every story the GOP and the truth - both are legit
Klein: GOP freak out!
Borger: people are voting for the end of gridlock
Bumiller: no they are voting for an end to the war and the Bush years
Tweety: Lieberman is campaigning for the Republicans - wow his timing is impeccable
Borger: Dems to the left of Hagel seem him as a traitor
Bumiller: he has a three-way with McCain and Graham
Klein: he’s John McCain's Zelig Miller
Tweety: wow McCain is a maverick!!
Tweety: but Nasty Mean Democrats won't work with the war hero!!
Klein: they won't like him because the only way McCain can win is lying and racism
Tweety: but he's a romantic guy and he will be one of our Great Presidents!
Bumiller: that's not the word I would use
Borger: McCain is bipartian and Obama is a terrible mean nasty liberal
Bumiller: McCain always keeps his promises
Klein: McCain is a Bull Moose
Robinson: he's got the bull down
Borger: it depends which McCain shows up the POW -good McCain or the mean-McCain
Robinson: umm, who gives a shit - it's not as if he's going to be President for gawd's sake
Tweety: true but there are 2 sides to every story - the truth and the falsehood that McCain can win
Borger: New Mexico, Nevada, Colorado will be the new battlegrounds
Tweety: who wins?
Borger: i don't know - that's the point
Robinson: the economy will decide this election
Tweety: wow good news for McCain!
Robinson: you keep telling yourself that chirpy
Klein: there's a tidal wave of young black voters!!
Tweety: oh noes a bad sample!
The Chris Matthews Show
August 3, 2008
*****************************
Matthews: what should Obama do?
Robinson: bring 15 guys home from Iraq
Borger: bring black power into the white house
Klein: he can't end the war and fix the economy he must choose
Bumilller: politics is real and he must deal
Tweety: i love it!
Klein: but this is different from Bill Clinton because everyone hates Republicans
Tweety: except for you because you say liberals hate america
Klein: right i'm in the middle - i'm neither a lying fuckward or a dirty hippie
Robinson: doods the Democrats might also win the house and Senate and feel their oats
Tweety: that's a lot of power
Klein: that's a lot of red diapers
Tweety: what if it's a Dem landslide in Congress and the White House
Borger: that is very bad news for the Dems and Obama
Bumiller: Obama has to solve peace in the middle east
Klein: how could Obama allow Pakistan to have nukes and terrorists???
Tweety: will Obama pleez work with the Republicans??
Borger: yes if he is willing to compromise - after all there are two sides to every story the GOP and the truth - both are legit
Klein: GOP freak out!
Borger: people are voting for the end of gridlock
Bumiller: no they are voting for an end to the war and the Bush years
Tweety: Lieberman is campaigning for the Republicans - wow his timing is impeccable
Borger: Dems to the left of Hagel seem him as a traitor
Bumiller: he has a three-way with McCain and Graham
Klein: he’s John McCain's Zelig Miller
Tweety: wow McCain is a maverick!!
Tweety: but Nasty Mean Democrats won't work with the war hero!!
Klein: they won't like him because the only way McCain can win is lying and racism
Tweety: but he's a romantic guy and he will be one of our Great Presidents!
Bumiller: that's not the word I would use
Borger: McCain is bipartian and Obama is a terrible mean nasty liberal
Bumiller: McCain always keeps his promises
Klein: McCain is a Bull Moose
Robinson: he's got the bull down
Borger: it depends which McCain shows up the POW -good McCain or the mean-McCain
Robinson: umm, who gives a shit - it's not as if he's going to be President for gawd's sake
Tweety: true but there are 2 sides to every story - the truth and the falsehood that McCain can win
Borger: New Mexico, Nevada, Colorado will be the new battlegrounds
Tweety: who wins?
Borger: i don't know - that's the point
Robinson: the economy will decide this election
Tweety: wow good news for McCain!
Robinson: you keep telling yourself that chirpy
Klein: there's a tidal wave of young black voters!!
Tweety: oh noes a bad sample!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Meet The Pres - Guest: Barack Obama - July 27, 2008
*********************************************
Meet The Press
July 27, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guest: Senator Barack Obama
**********************************************
Brokaw: dood u r insanely cool
Obama: heh heh heh
Brokaw: u met with troops and whirrled leaders, isrealis and arabs, and kings and throngs of teutonic peeps
Obama: boy r my arms tired!
Brokaw: what did you learn?
Obama: how incredibly awesome i am
Obama: i learned i was right about Iraq and Afghanistan and that we need to kick ass in Pakistan
Brokaw: hmmmmm
Obama: Maliki is ready to finally leave the nest and move out of his parents house
Brokaw: you shot some hoops and also did some kung fu on DC journalists
Obama: people seemed to like seeing Richard Cohen getting kicked in the balls
Brokaw: McCain says you would choose failure
Obama: yeah i heard that
Brokaw: since you were right about the facts let me argue hypothetically you could have been wrong -- wouldn't you agree
Obama: that's fiction Tom
Brokaw: bear with me if Tim Russert were here he would say this too
Obama: but that's also hypothetical
Brokaw: perhaps i've said too much...
Obama: look McCain's whole foreign policy is "kill kill kill"
Brokaw: it has the merit of simplicity
Obama: speaking of hypotheticals if McCain wasn't a senile warmonger people might vote for him
Brokaw: most people believe that American troops create peace everywhere they go to kill people
Obama: that isn't true Tom Brokaw
Brokaw: but USA Toady says you were wrong about the Surge
Obama: oh we all were frumpy
Brokaw: poles say you are riskier
Obama: duh I'm young and black what did your poll say about who is better for change or hope or reform
Brokaw: [meekly] you
Obama: and who did the polls say people would vote for
Brokaw: you
Obama: dude
[puts feet up on desk ]
Brokaw: how is it possible you've never been to Afghanistan - my mother's been to Afghanistan!
Obama: I was right about Afghanistan all along man
Brokaw: well sure - but did you get Angela Merkel to commit 1 million troops cause if you didn't u r totally teh suck
Obama: i wanted to speak in Berlin to remind them that one hit song in the 80's isn't going to cut it
Brokaw: but that was so cool remember when Tom Cruise kissed Kelly McGillis
Obama: i thought that was Val Kilmer
Brokaw: could be
Obama: the war in Iraq is so unpopular that EU nations refuse to help us to the good shit like killing terrorists or ridding the world of teen pop bands
Brokaw: will you protect our American oil fields in Saudi Arabia
Obama: that might be the most imperialistic question i've ever heard on a tv show
Brokaw: that's not what my piss-boy said
Brokaw: we've spent $10 billion in Pakistan and we've got shit
Obama: right we've got to do more and build schools
Brokaw: they're doing they're best
Obama: oh bullshit they protect popular anti-american terrorists and then take our money - it's a great scam
Brokaw: wow sounds like FOX News' business plan
Brokaw: but everyone is Pakistan supports terrorists
Obama: jesus christ Tom you just made my previous point do you not realize that?
Brokaw: whut
Obama: we should go after the terrorists there
Brokaw: but that could be a conflagration
Obama: 'cause Iraq is such a peachy place
Brokaw: why haven't you solved peace in the middle east yet?
Obama: i touched them with my magic finger so i am working on the problem
Brokaw: i noticed the chair you are sitting on has turned to gold during this interview
Obama: it's a bit of problem
Brokaw: i can see
Brokaw: you never met a palestinian dead child or ate a falafel
Obama: hey i went to the holocaust museum and met all 23 people running for prime minister
Brokaw: were you just trying to get jewish votes
Obama: no not all i also was trying to get wacko christian votes
Brokaw: David Brooks and Krauthammer didn't like your speech in Berlin
Obama: what did the loonies in Bedlam say
Brokaw: but he told us all about foreign policy of the 1990s
Obama:
[bursts out laughing ]
Brokaw: but David Brooks said-
Obama: [LAUGHING ]
stop it Tom, you're killing me
Brokaw: what is the Obama Doctrine?
Obama: Look i gave them tough rhetoric and it's not my fault Brooks is an illiterate navel gazing Villager
Brokaw: awwww
Brokaw: ok let's gossip about vice president and the DC conventional wisdom
Obama: i will choose someone who has integrity and independence and shares my vision of making me President
Brokaw: the rule in 1959 was choose a candidate to carry Texas
Obama: no since 1992 it's choose a good person to govern with
Brokaw: choose a southern white male jesus lover - how about Hootie and the Blowfish
Brokaw: what about Hillary Clinton
Obama: yeah yeah she's the best leader of the anti-Obama faction out there
Brokaw: The Clenis!?!
Obama: the Clenis is awesome no one can touch the Clenis
Brokaw: America will be consumed by synchronized swimming next month so when will you announce?
Obama: i will announce i am running with Muhammad Ali during the closing ceremonies
Brokaw: ooh good choice
Brokaw: why should cadillac driving black people get bailed out by hard working white people
Obama: tell it to John McCain and his rich white buddies
Brokaw: they told me to ask the question!
Obama: they are the problem!
Brokaw: i don't get it
Obama: see!
Brokaw: naw
Obama: [slaps forehead]
Obama: some buyers weren't speculating they were sold crazy loans
Brokaw: i didn't know that
Obama: plus we have to prop up the housing market
Brokaw: China is stealing our oil but on the upside traffic deaths are down
Obama: but American families are suffering and McCain opposes efficiency
Brokaw: there's no easy answer to ending traffic deaths
Obama: take away Bob Novak's drivers license
Brokaw: why do some black people see racism just because 70% of people in prison are black
Obama: gee i dunno Tom what did your busboy say
Brokaw: he doesn't speak english very well
Obama: well neither do you so you should get along well
Obama: the real problem is the legacy of past racism why are the worst neighborhoods always populated with black people
Brokaw: i thought they just liked living near liquor stores and basketball courts
Obama: no that's WASPs
Brokaw: Jesse Jackson!
Obama: Nuts!
Brokaw: will you appear three times a week with John McCain?
Obama: well i draw crowds of 100,000 and he draws 30 so on average we draw about 100,000 each
Brokaw: wha?
Obama: you get what i'm saying - I'm Bill Gates in the bar
Brokaw: still not following
Obama: ok - fuck John McCain and his pathetic begging for attention - I'm going to win this election so easy whole new states will have to be invented to they can vote against him too
Brokaw: thank very much for coming
Obama: [ FIST BUMP DUDE! ]
*************************************
Meet The Press
July 27, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guest: Senator Barack Obama
**********************************************
Brokaw: dood u r insanely cool
Obama: heh heh heh
Brokaw: u met with troops and whirrled leaders, isrealis and arabs, and kings and throngs of teutonic peeps
Obama: boy r my arms tired!
Brokaw: what did you learn?
Obama: how incredibly awesome i am
Obama: i learned i was right about Iraq and Afghanistan and that we need to kick ass in Pakistan
Brokaw: hmmmmm
Obama: Maliki is ready to finally leave the nest and move out of his parents house
Brokaw: you shot some hoops and also did some kung fu on DC journalists
Obama: people seemed to like seeing Richard Cohen getting kicked in the balls
Brokaw: McCain says you would choose failure
Obama: yeah i heard that
Brokaw: since you were right about the facts let me argue hypothetically you could have been wrong -- wouldn't you agree
Obama: that's fiction Tom
Brokaw: bear with me if Tim Russert were here he would say this too
Obama: but that's also hypothetical
Brokaw: perhaps i've said too much...
Obama: look McCain's whole foreign policy is "kill kill kill"
Brokaw: it has the merit of simplicity
Obama: speaking of hypotheticals if McCain wasn't a senile warmonger people might vote for him
Brokaw: most people believe that American troops create peace everywhere they go to kill people
Obama: that isn't true Tom Brokaw
Brokaw: but USA Toady says you were wrong about the Surge
Obama: oh we all were frumpy
Brokaw: poles say you are riskier
Obama: duh I'm young and black what did your poll say about who is better for change or hope or reform
Brokaw: [meekly] you
Obama: and who did the polls say people would vote for
Brokaw: you
Obama: dude
[puts feet up on desk ]
Brokaw: how is it possible you've never been to Afghanistan - my mother's been to Afghanistan!
Obama: I was right about Afghanistan all along man
Brokaw: well sure - but did you get Angela Merkel to commit 1 million troops cause if you didn't u r totally teh suck
Obama: i wanted to speak in Berlin to remind them that one hit song in the 80's isn't going to cut it
Brokaw: but that was so cool remember when Tom Cruise kissed Kelly McGillis
Obama: i thought that was Val Kilmer
Brokaw: could be
Obama: the war in Iraq is so unpopular that EU nations refuse to help us to the good shit like killing terrorists or ridding the world of teen pop bands
Brokaw: will you protect our American oil fields in Saudi Arabia
Obama: that might be the most imperialistic question i've ever heard on a tv show
Brokaw: that's not what my piss-boy said
Brokaw: we've spent $10 billion in Pakistan and we've got shit
Obama: right we've got to do more and build schools
Brokaw: they're doing they're best
Obama: oh bullshit they protect popular anti-american terrorists and then take our money - it's a great scam
Brokaw: wow sounds like FOX News' business plan
Brokaw: but everyone is Pakistan supports terrorists
Obama: jesus christ Tom you just made my previous point do you not realize that?
Brokaw: whut
Obama: we should go after the terrorists there
Brokaw: but that could be a conflagration
Obama: 'cause Iraq is such a peachy place
Brokaw: why haven't you solved peace in the middle east yet?
Obama: i touched them with my magic finger so i am working on the problem
Brokaw: i noticed the chair you are sitting on has turned to gold during this interview
Obama: it's a bit of problem
Brokaw: i can see
Brokaw: you never met a palestinian dead child or ate a falafel
Obama: hey i went to the holocaust museum and met all 23 people running for prime minister
Brokaw: were you just trying to get jewish votes
Obama: no not all i also was trying to get wacko christian votes
Brokaw: David Brooks and Krauthammer didn't like your speech in Berlin
Obama: what did the loonies in Bedlam say
Brokaw: but he told us all about foreign policy of the 1990s
Obama:
[bursts out laughing ]
Brokaw: but David Brooks said-
Obama: [LAUGHING ]
stop it Tom, you're killing me
Brokaw: what is the Obama Doctrine?
Obama: Look i gave them tough rhetoric and it's not my fault Brooks is an illiterate navel gazing Villager
Brokaw: awwww
Brokaw: ok let's gossip about vice president and the DC conventional wisdom
Obama: i will choose someone who has integrity and independence and shares my vision of making me President
Brokaw: the rule in 1959 was choose a candidate to carry Texas
Obama: no since 1992 it's choose a good person to govern with
Brokaw: choose a southern white male jesus lover - how about Hootie and the Blowfish
Brokaw: what about Hillary Clinton
Obama: yeah yeah she's the best leader of the anti-Obama faction out there
Brokaw: The Clenis!?!
Obama: the Clenis is awesome no one can touch the Clenis
Brokaw: America will be consumed by synchronized swimming next month so when will you announce?
Obama: i will announce i am running with Muhammad Ali during the closing ceremonies
Brokaw: ooh good choice
Brokaw: why should cadillac driving black people get bailed out by hard working white people
Obama: tell it to John McCain and his rich white buddies
Brokaw: they told me to ask the question!
Obama: they are the problem!
Brokaw: i don't get it
Obama: see!
Brokaw: naw
Obama: [slaps forehead]
Obama: some buyers weren't speculating they were sold crazy loans
Brokaw: i didn't know that
Obama: plus we have to prop up the housing market
Brokaw: China is stealing our oil but on the upside traffic deaths are down
Obama: but American families are suffering and McCain opposes efficiency
Brokaw: there's no easy answer to ending traffic deaths
Obama: take away Bob Novak's drivers license
Brokaw: why do some black people see racism just because 70% of people in prison are black
Obama: gee i dunno Tom what did your busboy say
Brokaw: he doesn't speak english very well
Obama: well neither do you so you should get along well
Obama: the real problem is the legacy of past racism why are the worst neighborhoods always populated with black people
Brokaw: i thought they just liked living near liquor stores and basketball courts
Obama: no that's WASPs
Brokaw: Jesse Jackson!
Obama: Nuts!
Brokaw: will you appear three times a week with John McCain?
Obama: well i draw crowds of 100,000 and he draws 30 so on average we draw about 100,000 each
Brokaw: wha?
Obama: you get what i'm saying - I'm Bill Gates in the bar
Brokaw: still not following
Obama: ok - fuck John McCain and his pathetic begging for attention - I'm going to win this election so easy whole new states will have to be invented to they can vote against him too
Brokaw: thank very much for coming
Obama: [ FIST BUMP DUDE! ]
*************************************
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Meet The Press with Al Gore - July 20, 2008
*********************************************
Meet the Press
July 20, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guest: Al Gore
***************************************
Tom Brokaw: since you were last on “Meet The Press” last time you won an Nobel and an Oscar and were named People's Sexiest Man Alive
Al Gore: I'm just a man doing my thing Tom
Tom Brokaw: ok you say we should like totally go green
Al Gore: ah do
Tom Brokaw: but there are critics who say this will be very tough
Al Gore: oh well let's just give up then and buy SUVs which run on endangered species
Brokaw: really??
Gore: no dumbass
Al Gore: look we can't continue our insane course -- there's no new oil, prices are skyrocketing, India and China are outbidding us, and our national security is at risk
Tom Brokaw: we all know that
Al Gore: exactamundo
Tom Brokaw: yeah but we have 2 wars, a housing crisis and my Jackson Hole home needs a new copper bathtub
Al Gore: we just spent a trillion dollars on the Iraq
Tom Brokaw: no we didn't
Al Gore: Joe Stieglitz says we did
Tom Brokaw: oh noes he haz facts!
Al Gore: enough with teh baby steps and treating the American people like they are children
Brokaw: well if the shoe fits
Al Gore: We have to be the new Greatest Generation
Tom Brokaw: but the cost and pain to the American Taxpayer!!
Al Gore: cause gasoline is free now, right Tom?
Tom Brokaw: T Bone Pickens disagrees with you he wants to harness the power of the wind
Al Gore: i love it - only the media would try to pit us against each other
Tom Brokaw: don't you hate him?
Al Gore: no he said what i said with the facts i used
Tom Brokaw: but there can only be one winner in the contest for America's Greenest Hero
Al Gore: is that another award i can win?
Tom Brokaw: it's NBC's summer game show
Tom Brokaw: so do you love Pickens?
Al Gore: hey if the man wants a car to run on natural gas he should go for it
Tom Brokaw: so Pickens is right?
Al Gore: he's a oilman he says we can't drill our way out
Tom Brokaw: he's funding Oilman Veterans for the Truth
Al Gore: let's face it he's a total dick who's hand has been forced
Tom Brokaw: please slam Bush and the Democrats in Congress
Al Gore: i am only interested in solving the problem
Tom Brokaw: please bash Hillary Clinton
Al Gore: no
Tom Brokaw: PLEEEEZ
Al Gore: [ sigh ]
Tom Brokaw: isn't it time for politicians to tell people gas costs $4.00 a gallon
Al Gore: they don't have to tell them - they know
Tom Brokaw: it's a tax!
Al Gore: no stupid it's the price of gas set by the free market
Tom Brokaw: but that's a tax
Al Gore: i don't think that words means what you think it means
Tom Brokaw: but the poor truckers!
Al Gore: look we saw the cost of silicon chips drop and that will happen with solar panels and we aren't going to run out of sand
Tom Brokaw: but if we use too much solar power we will run out of the sun
Al Gore: [ sigh ]
Tom Brokaw: will you be Vice President??
Al Gore: ha ha ha - yeah - look i only want to top job
Tom Brokaw: President?
Al Gore: no i want to be Head of the United Federation of Planets
Tom Brokaw: but there is no power like 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Al Gore: oh yeah - try winning an Oscar believe me it opens doors
Tom Brokaw: don't you have a duty to run
Al Gore: i did that already and as you may recall i got a load of shit from the media for it
Tom Brokaw: that's why we all want you to run again
Al Gore: well you may do me the honor of fucking off
Tom Brokaw: you say politics is about nonsense - what about the young people and children??!?!?
Al Gore: bear in mind stupid i ran for office - i was only talking about the fact that Margaret Carlson and Chris Matthews are out of their fucking minds
Tom Brokaw: hey Chris is getting psychological help
Al Gore: i hope so
Tom Brokaw: let me just cut through the middleman and simply channel Rush Limbaugh
Al Gore: well that would save time asshole
Tom Brokaw: your house it too big and fat
Al Gore: your house in Jackson Hole is 30,000 square feet
Tom Brokaw: true but most of that is where i hang my meat
Gore: that’s cool
Tom Brokaw: oh c'mon can't we have little bipartisan offshore drilling
Al Gore: let California decide
Tom Brokaw: well what if Florida wants to despoil their environment to send oil to China?
Al Gore: i need a drink
Tom Brokaw: let’s talk about trivia some more
Al Gore: this ain't no fuckin’ joke, man!
Tom Brokaw: whut?
Al Gore: the 3 million year old ice cap is melting goddammitt!!
Tom Brokaw: hey, hey, there is debate in scientific community as to exactly how fat you are
Al Gore: the Pentagon, scientists the EPA and reality disagree with you
Tom Brokaw: but not Rush Limbaugh
Al Gore: as Letterman said he's a fine physical specimen
Tom Brokaw: do you hate Bill and Hillary
Al Gore: they are fine people and I have moved on
Tom Brokaw: why didn't you punch George Bush when you had the chance
Al Gore: what's the point?
Tom Brokaw: but you were in the Oval Office that was your big opportunity
Al Gore: [laughs] oh Tom you are so stupid
Tom Brokaw: Lieberman!
Al Gore: oh let's not get too riled up he just says liberals are terrorists but he protects the right to abortion
Tom Brokaw: The New Yorker!
Al Gore: I know funny and that was not funny
Tom Brokaw: you know who's funny? Rush Limbaugh!
Al Gore: yeah that Michael J Fox bit killed
[ break ]
Chuck Todd: Al Gore is an environmentalist and you know how they are
Brokaw: indeed
Todd: when McCain is elected he will have to work with Dems
David Gregory: the White House is bitter cause Al was right and shit
Tom Brokaw: let's look at McCain's ad which says Obama hates the troops
Brokaw: but then Maliki endorsed Obama
Gregory: a little waterboarding brought him in line
Todd: Obama has had the best 48 hours in the history of elections
Brokaw: so he can only go down from here - what's wrong with Obama??
Todd: Maliki even used the word timetable
Gregory: but the Surge worked!
Brokaw: maybe the economy will help McCain
Todd: sure it will
Brokaw: Veepstakes!
Todd: you can't reveal your choice during teh Olympics
Brokaw: why not
Todd: because McCain will run Romney who is Mr. Olympics and Obama will run with Michael Phelps
Brokaw: next week we will interview Barack Obama live from Hogwarts where he has just won the Quiddich tournament
**********************************************
Meet the Press
July 20, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guest: Al Gore
***************************************
Tom Brokaw: since you were last on “Meet The Press” last time you won an Nobel and an Oscar and were named People's Sexiest Man Alive
Al Gore: I'm just a man doing my thing Tom
Tom Brokaw: ok you say we should like totally go green
Al Gore: ah do
Tom Brokaw: but there are critics who say this will be very tough
Al Gore: oh well let's just give up then and buy SUVs which run on endangered species
Brokaw: really??
Gore: no dumbass
Al Gore: look we can't continue our insane course -- there's no new oil, prices are skyrocketing, India and China are outbidding us, and our national security is at risk
Tom Brokaw: we all know that
Al Gore: exactamundo
Tom Brokaw: yeah but we have 2 wars, a housing crisis and my Jackson Hole home needs a new copper bathtub
Al Gore: we just spent a trillion dollars on the Iraq
Tom Brokaw: no we didn't
Al Gore: Joe Stieglitz says we did
Tom Brokaw: oh noes he haz facts!
Al Gore: enough with teh baby steps and treating the American people like they are children
Brokaw: well if the shoe fits
Al Gore: We have to be the new Greatest Generation
Tom Brokaw: but the cost and pain to the American Taxpayer!!
Al Gore: cause gasoline is free now, right Tom?
Tom Brokaw: T Bone Pickens disagrees with you he wants to harness the power of the wind
Al Gore: i love it - only the media would try to pit us against each other
Tom Brokaw: don't you hate him?
Al Gore: no he said what i said with the facts i used
Tom Brokaw: but there can only be one winner in the contest for America's Greenest Hero
Al Gore: is that another award i can win?
Tom Brokaw: it's NBC's summer game show
Tom Brokaw: so do you love Pickens?
Al Gore: hey if the man wants a car to run on natural gas he should go for it
Tom Brokaw: so Pickens is right?
Al Gore: he's a oilman he says we can't drill our way out
Tom Brokaw: he's funding Oilman Veterans for the Truth
Al Gore: let's face it he's a total dick who's hand has been forced
Tom Brokaw: please slam Bush and the Democrats in Congress
Al Gore: i am only interested in solving the problem
Tom Brokaw: please bash Hillary Clinton
Al Gore: no
Tom Brokaw: PLEEEEZ
Al Gore: [ sigh ]
Tom Brokaw: isn't it time for politicians to tell people gas costs $4.00 a gallon
Al Gore: they don't have to tell them - they know
Tom Brokaw: it's a tax!
Al Gore: no stupid it's the price of gas set by the free market
Tom Brokaw: but that's a tax
Al Gore: i don't think that words means what you think it means
Tom Brokaw: but the poor truckers!
Al Gore: look we saw the cost of silicon chips drop and that will happen with solar panels and we aren't going to run out of sand
Tom Brokaw: but if we use too much solar power we will run out of the sun
Al Gore: [ sigh ]
Tom Brokaw: will you be Vice President??
Al Gore: ha ha ha - yeah - look i only want to top job
Tom Brokaw: President?
Al Gore: no i want to be Head of the United Federation of Planets
Tom Brokaw: but there is no power like 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Al Gore: oh yeah - try winning an Oscar believe me it opens doors
Tom Brokaw: don't you have a duty to run
Al Gore: i did that already and as you may recall i got a load of shit from the media for it
Tom Brokaw: that's why we all want you to run again
Al Gore: well you may do me the honor of fucking off
Tom Brokaw: you say politics is about nonsense - what about the young people and children??!?!?
Al Gore: bear in mind stupid i ran for office - i was only talking about the fact that Margaret Carlson and Chris Matthews are out of their fucking minds
Tom Brokaw: hey Chris is getting psychological help
Al Gore: i hope so
Tom Brokaw: let me just cut through the middleman and simply channel Rush Limbaugh
Al Gore: well that would save time asshole
Tom Brokaw: your house it too big and fat
Al Gore: your house in Jackson Hole is 30,000 square feet
Tom Brokaw: true but most of that is where i hang my meat
Gore: that’s cool
Tom Brokaw: oh c'mon can't we have little bipartisan offshore drilling
Al Gore: let California decide
Tom Brokaw: well what if Florida wants to despoil their environment to send oil to China?
Al Gore: i need a drink
Tom Brokaw: let’s talk about trivia some more
Al Gore: this ain't no fuckin’ joke, man!
Tom Brokaw: whut?
Al Gore: the 3 million year old ice cap is melting goddammitt!!
Tom Brokaw: hey, hey, there is debate in scientific community as to exactly how fat you are
Al Gore: the Pentagon, scientists the EPA and reality disagree with you
Tom Brokaw: but not Rush Limbaugh
Al Gore: as Letterman said he's a fine physical specimen
Tom Brokaw: do you hate Bill and Hillary
Al Gore: they are fine people and I have moved on
Tom Brokaw: why didn't you punch George Bush when you had the chance
Al Gore: what's the point?
Tom Brokaw: but you were in the Oval Office that was your big opportunity
Al Gore: [laughs] oh Tom you are so stupid
Tom Brokaw: Lieberman!
Al Gore: oh let's not get too riled up he just says liberals are terrorists but he protects the right to abortion
Tom Brokaw: The New Yorker!
Al Gore: I know funny and that was not funny
Tom Brokaw: you know who's funny? Rush Limbaugh!
Al Gore: yeah that Michael J Fox bit killed
[ break ]
Chuck Todd: Al Gore is an environmentalist and you know how they are
Brokaw: indeed
Todd: when McCain is elected he will have to work with Dems
David Gregory: the White House is bitter cause Al was right and shit
Tom Brokaw: let's look at McCain's ad which says Obama hates the troops
Brokaw: but then Maliki endorsed Obama
Gregory: a little waterboarding brought him in line
Todd: Obama has had the best 48 hours in the history of elections
Brokaw: so he can only go down from here - what's wrong with Obama??
Todd: Maliki even used the word timetable
Gregory: but the Surge worked!
Brokaw: maybe the economy will help McCain
Todd: sure it will
Brokaw: Veepstakes!
Todd: you can't reveal your choice during teh Olympics
Brokaw: why not
Todd: because McCain will run Romney who is Mr. Olympics and Obama will run with Michael Phelps
Brokaw: next week we will interview Barack Obama live from Hogwarts where he has just won the Quiddich tournament
**********************************************
The Chris Matthews Show - July 20, 2008
***************************************
The Chris Matthews Show
July 20, 2008
***************************************
Matthews: isn't John McCain the real change guy??
Kelly O'Donnell: his new slogan is “Reform No One Believes In”
Cynthia Tucker: I miss the John McCain of 2000 but he died and now he is an agent of intolerance
Matthews: why move to the right?
Tucker: because he lost in 2000 and he must appease the lunatics in teh GOP
Fineman: he has a problem because he has to run against Bush but he agrees with Bush
Matthews: oh dear
Rather: he has to run on Fear of The Black Man
O'Donnell: oh no it won't be ‘fear’ -- they will simply point out that if Obama is elected your gay muslim children will die
Matthews: McCain should go old school and then the GOP like LBJ against Goldwater will win 49 states
Tucker: clearly all they have to do to win is point out that he is just like History's Greatest Monster
Chris: I loves the Cookie Monster
Tucker: no Jimmy Carter
Fineman: he should promise to balance the budget-but-not-really and then yell out ‘Obama is Black’!!!
O'Donnell: he should run as a POW and promise to govern from inside a tiger cage
Rather: McCain is fucked like a jackrabbit in a summer rainstorm
Tucker: Obama is black
Matthews: What?!?!?!
John McCain in 2000: Bush should be ashamed of himself
Bush: i won asshole
McCain: awww hugs all around
Bush: P0wnd as usual
Matthews: Bush wants to McCain to carry on his legacy of Crazy
Bush: we have a lurking enema
O'Donnell: McCain is more open to diplomacy
Chris: yeah he like to talk to people before bombing the shit out of them
Rather: McCain has bought into Rove cause he has the math
O'Donnell: no no no he's more like Schwarzenegger
Chris: gee what a relief the Idiot and the Muscleman
Fineman: hey Kelly McCain agrees with Bush and they need a third GOP term to cover up all their crimes
Chris: that's a good point
Kelly: leave John McCain alone!!
Tucker: Dobson doesn't like Obama
Chris: gee what a shock
Fineman: silicon valley is worried about electricity
Chris: doesn't the internets run on hamsters?
Fineman: no it doesn't chris
Chris: teh liberal bloggers hate Obama but could that help him
Kelly: u bet
Rather: but the appearance of hesitation is deadly for a young dem
Tucker: exactly
Fineman: the bloggers may vote for Ralph Nader
Chris: they’re not gruntled!
*********************************************
The Chris Matthews Show
July 20, 2008
***************************************
Matthews: isn't John McCain the real change guy??
Kelly O'Donnell: his new slogan is “Reform No One Believes In”
Cynthia Tucker: I miss the John McCain of 2000 but he died and now he is an agent of intolerance
Matthews: why move to the right?
Tucker: because he lost in 2000 and he must appease the lunatics in teh GOP
Fineman: he has a problem because he has to run against Bush but he agrees with Bush
Matthews: oh dear
Rather: he has to run on Fear of The Black Man
O'Donnell: oh no it won't be ‘fear’ -- they will simply point out that if Obama is elected your gay muslim children will die
Matthews: McCain should go old school and then the GOP like LBJ against Goldwater will win 49 states
Tucker: clearly all they have to do to win is point out that he is just like History's Greatest Monster
Chris: I loves the Cookie Monster
Tucker: no Jimmy Carter
Fineman: he should promise to balance the budget-but-not-really and then yell out ‘Obama is Black’!!!
O'Donnell: he should run as a POW and promise to govern from inside a tiger cage
Rather: McCain is fucked like a jackrabbit in a summer rainstorm
Tucker: Obama is black
Matthews: What?!?!?!
John McCain in 2000: Bush should be ashamed of himself
Bush: i won asshole
McCain: awww hugs all around
Bush: P0wnd as usual
Matthews: Bush wants to McCain to carry on his legacy of Crazy
Bush: we have a lurking enema
O'Donnell: McCain is more open to diplomacy
Chris: yeah he like to talk to people before bombing the shit out of them
Rather: McCain has bought into Rove cause he has the math
O'Donnell: no no no he's more like Schwarzenegger
Chris: gee what a relief the Idiot and the Muscleman
Fineman: hey Kelly McCain agrees with Bush and they need a third GOP term to cover up all their crimes
Chris: that's a good point
Kelly: leave John McCain alone!!
Tucker: Dobson doesn't like Obama
Chris: gee what a shock
Fineman: silicon valley is worried about electricity
Chris: doesn't the internets run on hamsters?
Fineman: no it doesn't chris
Chris: teh liberal bloggers hate Obama but could that help him
Kelly: u bet
Rather: but the appearance of hesitation is deadly for a young dem
Tucker: exactly
Fineman: the bloggers may vote for Ralph Nader
Chris: they’re not gruntled!
*********************************************
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Meet The Press - July 13, 2008
******************************************************
Meet The Press
July 13, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guests:
Carly Fiorina
Sen. Claire McCaskill
******************************************************
Tom Brokaw: welcome ladies you are smokin’ hawt!
Carly Fiorina: thank u
Claire McKaskill: you too Tom
Brokaw: Carly Phil Gramm says poor Americans are a bunch of whiners
Obama: McCain thinks you're all crazy - coming from him that's rich
McCain: i don't agree with my top economic advisor on economics
Carly Fiorina: i am here today to abjectly apologize and grovel and say hey we know Americans are hurting
Fiorina: Tom no one cares what a bunch of surrogates have to say
Brokaw: well then why the fuck are the two of you on my teevee
Fiorina: touche tom - but we're here to spin the beltway stupid
Brokaw: which is worse Al Qaeda or Recession?
Fiorina: terrorism!
Brokaw: but he now says the economy is the big issue!
Fiorina: hey he talked about it all week!
Brokaw: but the economy is a disaster
Fiorina: no one could have predicted a poor economy
Brokaw: he's a crazy flip-flopper
Fiorina: he voted against Bush tax cuts because there were no spending cuts
Brokaw: but now he supports them and there is more spending than ever
Fiorina: yes but that was then!
Brokaw: Obama flip-flopped on Iraq
Sen. McCaskill: look he's consistent he promised to pull out but he also has to pretend to listen to he handsome men in the green uniforms
Brokaw: well will he listen to them or give them orders
Sen. McCaskill: it's a goal Tom but yeah you have to careful getting in and getting out
Brokaw: why can't Obama know what the situation will be in the summer of 2010
Sen. McCaskill: the media will still be assholes i know that much
Brokaw: if you were still the CEO of HP
Fiorina: they would be broke
Brokaw: McCain's economic plan sucks
Fiorina: we will kick start this economy by not raising taxes or reenacting smoot-hawley like Obama would do
Brokaw: but we so spend so much money in Iraq
Fiorina: oh did I mention he's against the war now
Fiorina: i'm going to be snide and obnoxious now people seem to like that
Brokaw: Obama is a big spender and that's bad the media suddenly realized Democratic spending is bad!
McCaskill: he's going to raise taxes on the top 2%
Brokaw: that's everybody I know
Fiorina: me too
McCaskill: christ CEOs make 400 times what workers make and most of them are dumb
Fiorina: hey!
Brokaw: but the debt!! the deficit!!!
McCaskill: gee where have you been since 1980?
Brokaw: at my vacation home at Jackson Hole
Brokaw: how can we get the Boom Years back?
Sen. McCaskill: by electing a Dem Congress and a Dem President
Fiorina: in know math and Obama's numbers don't add up
Brokaw: but you're a girl
Fiorina: math is hard but Obama has voted to raise taxes 94 times
Brokaw: McCain's numbers don't add up either
Fiorina: did you know John McCain hated Donald Rumsfeld?
Brokaw: he also said we should stay in Iraq for 100 years
Fiorina: well we are still in Japan
Brokaw: does he stand by that?
Fiorina: why not - maybe someday Iraq will make cameras and better cars than us
Brokaw: what is his plan
Fioronia: Taxes taxes taxes and cutting taxes!
McCaskill: away with you and your skinny california tan
Brokaw: NCLB sucked but it shows that accountability is important
McCaskill: blah blah blah Tom jesus you're gullible
Brokaw: Democrats are beholden to the teachers
Sen. McCaskill: bullshit
Brokaw: you don't think teachers have too much power?
Sen. McCaskill: no - but it's clear that you do
Brokaw: no i hid my editorial statement behind unnamed people
Fiorina: oh did I mention McCain is hedging on NCLB as well
Brokaw: Quel suprise
Brokaw: will you be vice president?
Fiorina: well i would carry the failed CEO vote
Brokaw: Obama needs help with women of a certain age
McCaskill: you mean older dood
Brokaw: hey we've never had two women on the show before
McCaskill: gee i wonder why
Brokaw: well you weren't irish catholic men so i never saw you on Timmeh's short list
Brokaw: i've listen to the Generals and General Election favors Obama
Harold Ford: oh noes
Brokaw: is he leaning to the right?
Ford: shocker i support his lurch to the right
Brokaw: but he's black!
Ford: we're not all liberals you're know
Brokaw: i thought you were all panthers
Mitchell: the commenters on the liberal blogs are angry about FISA
Brokaw: wow what's your handle
Mitchell: I post under the name “Alan’s Greenspan’s Bathtub”
Brokaw: ha ha Obama got a gift from the angry black man
Ford: Obama and I are a new breed of black leader - screw Jesse
Murphy: this election will be close because it will be decided by two steelworkers from Ohio
Brokaw: speaking of that the blue collar guys do not like being called a bunch of whiners
Murphy: no but this isn’t a scandal because unlike with Jesse Jackson that wasn't the candidate speaking
Brokaw: VP??
Murphy: we need a governor from the Great Lakes like mitt romney
Mitchell: Jack Reed
Tom: who the fuck is that?
Mitchell: he has a very impressive bio
Tom: Jesse?
Mitchell: i have analyzed the black community and the fear is that he is throwing blacks under the bus in an effort to appease Hillary Clinton
Brokaw: fascinating
Mitchell: wow one woman someone somewhere said she doesn’t like Obama
Brokaw: hmmmmm
Mitchell: Obama is still calling people on the telephone assuming it isn't broadcast
Murphy: he won't pick Hillary because it isn't turning the page
Brokaw: is she very scary?
Murphy: we are terrified losing Virginia
Brokaw: Sam Nunn!!
Muhrphy: Evan Bayh!
Mitchell: Tom Ridge had an abortion so he can't be VP
Brokaw: well thank you all for overcoming your grief over Tim Russert and coming on the show
[ flashback ]
Tim Russert: you really think the Iraq war went great??
Tony Snow: look we tried our best but we're morons you can't expect anything else
Brokaw: what an elegant sexy man he was
Meet The Press
July 13, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guests:
Carly Fiorina
Sen. Claire McCaskill
******************************************************
Tom Brokaw: welcome ladies you are smokin’ hawt!
Carly Fiorina: thank u
Claire McKaskill: you too Tom
Brokaw: Carly Phil Gramm says poor Americans are a bunch of whiners
Obama: McCain thinks you're all crazy - coming from him that's rich
McCain: i don't agree with my top economic advisor on economics
Carly Fiorina: i am here today to abjectly apologize and grovel and say hey we know Americans are hurting
Fiorina: Tom no one cares what a bunch of surrogates have to say
Brokaw: well then why the fuck are the two of you on my teevee
Fiorina: touche tom - but we're here to spin the beltway stupid
Brokaw: which is worse Al Qaeda or Recession?
Fiorina: terrorism!
Brokaw: but he now says the economy is the big issue!
Fiorina: hey he talked about it all week!
Brokaw: but the economy is a disaster
Fiorina: no one could have predicted a poor economy
Brokaw: he's a crazy flip-flopper
Fiorina: he voted against Bush tax cuts because there were no spending cuts
Brokaw: but now he supports them and there is more spending than ever
Fiorina: yes but that was then!
Brokaw: Obama flip-flopped on Iraq
Sen. McCaskill: look he's consistent he promised to pull out but he also has to pretend to listen to he handsome men in the green uniforms
Brokaw: well will he listen to them or give them orders
Sen. McCaskill: it's a goal Tom but yeah you have to careful getting in and getting out
Brokaw: why can't Obama know what the situation will be in the summer of 2010
Sen. McCaskill: the media will still be assholes i know that much
Brokaw: if you were still the CEO of HP
Fiorina: they would be broke
Brokaw: McCain's economic plan sucks
Fiorina: we will kick start this economy by not raising taxes or reenacting smoot-hawley like Obama would do
Brokaw: but we so spend so much money in Iraq
Fiorina: oh did I mention he's against the war now
Fiorina: i'm going to be snide and obnoxious now people seem to like that
Brokaw: Obama is a big spender and that's bad the media suddenly realized Democratic spending is bad!
McCaskill: he's going to raise taxes on the top 2%
Brokaw: that's everybody I know
Fiorina: me too
McCaskill: christ CEOs make 400 times what workers make and most of them are dumb
Fiorina: hey!
Brokaw: but the debt!! the deficit!!!
McCaskill: gee where have you been since 1980?
Brokaw: at my vacation home at Jackson Hole
Brokaw: how can we get the Boom Years back?
Sen. McCaskill: by electing a Dem Congress and a Dem President
Fiorina: in know math and Obama's numbers don't add up
Brokaw: but you're a girl
Fiorina: math is hard but Obama has voted to raise taxes 94 times
Brokaw: McCain's numbers don't add up either
Fiorina: did you know John McCain hated Donald Rumsfeld?
Brokaw: he also said we should stay in Iraq for 100 years
Fiorina: well we are still in Japan
Brokaw: does he stand by that?
Fiorina: why not - maybe someday Iraq will make cameras and better cars than us
Brokaw: what is his plan
Fioronia: Taxes taxes taxes and cutting taxes!
McCaskill: away with you and your skinny california tan
Brokaw: NCLB sucked but it shows that accountability is important
McCaskill: blah blah blah Tom jesus you're gullible
Brokaw: Democrats are beholden to the teachers
Sen. McCaskill: bullshit
Brokaw: you don't think teachers have too much power?
Sen. McCaskill: no - but it's clear that you do
Brokaw: no i hid my editorial statement behind unnamed people
Fiorina: oh did I mention McCain is hedging on NCLB as well
Brokaw: Quel suprise
Brokaw: will you be vice president?
Fiorina: well i would carry the failed CEO vote
Brokaw: Obama needs help with women of a certain age
McCaskill: you mean older dood
Brokaw: hey we've never had two women on the show before
McCaskill: gee i wonder why
Brokaw: well you weren't irish catholic men so i never saw you on Timmeh's short list
Brokaw: i've listen to the Generals and General Election favors Obama
Harold Ford: oh noes
Brokaw: is he leaning to the right?
Ford: shocker i support his lurch to the right
Brokaw: but he's black!
Ford: we're not all liberals you're know
Brokaw: i thought you were all panthers
Mitchell: the commenters on the liberal blogs are angry about FISA
Brokaw: wow what's your handle
Mitchell: I post under the name “Alan’s Greenspan’s Bathtub”
Brokaw: ha ha Obama got a gift from the angry black man
Ford: Obama and I are a new breed of black leader - screw Jesse
Murphy: this election will be close because it will be decided by two steelworkers from Ohio
Brokaw: speaking of that the blue collar guys do not like being called a bunch of whiners
Murphy: no but this isn’t a scandal because unlike with Jesse Jackson that wasn't the candidate speaking
Brokaw: VP??
Murphy: we need a governor from the Great Lakes like mitt romney
Mitchell: Jack Reed
Tom: who the fuck is that?
Mitchell: he has a very impressive bio
Tom: Jesse?
Mitchell: i have analyzed the black community and the fear is that he is throwing blacks under the bus in an effort to appease Hillary Clinton
Brokaw: fascinating
Mitchell: wow one woman someone somewhere said she doesn’t like Obama
Brokaw: hmmmmm
Mitchell: Obama is still calling people on the telephone assuming it isn't broadcast
Murphy: he won't pick Hillary because it isn't turning the page
Brokaw: is she very scary?
Murphy: we are terrified losing Virginia
Brokaw: Sam Nunn!!
Muhrphy: Evan Bayh!
Mitchell: Tom Ridge had an abortion so he can't be VP
Brokaw: well thank you all for overcoming your grief over Tim Russert and coming on the show
[ flashback ]
Tim Russert: you really think the Iraq war went great??
Tony Snow: look we tried our best but we're morons you can't expect anything else
Brokaw: what an elegant sexy man he was
The Chris Matthews Show - July 13, 2008
*******************************
The Chris Matthews Show
July 12, 2008
*********************************
Chris Matthews: omg teh Rocky mountains are going to be renamed the Baracky Mountains!!!
Dan Rather: he better carry Neuvo Mexico cause the Deer Hunters hate that elitist dood
Cynthia Tucker: he stole the primaries by registering young naive messiah-believing kids
Tweety: can he win Georgia?
Tucker: the black guy can win that state
Tweety: that’s good news for Obama!
Tucker: i was talking about Bob Barr
Howard Fineman: if the election were Sunday morning McCain wins because college kids will still be drunk but the tree hungers are early risers
Matthews: while Obama was swinging in the summer of love McCain was being bayoneted
Kelly O'Donnell: most young people don't even know McCain served in the Franco-Prussian war
Tweety: he's a good old American like John Wayne
Kelly: he never talks about his POW service he just runs endless ads on TV about it
Rather: it touches Americans deep in side
O'Donnell: McCain wants to remind young people that they and their friends could be killed in his war
Tweety: that's a winner!
Fineman: McCain shows he loves america by bombing people 7,000 miles away and Obama wants to bring people together
Tweety: doesn't sound very John Wayney to me
Tweety: VP!?!
O'Donnell: Obama should go with Evan Bayh
Fineman: that's stupid
O'Donnell: but he's popular
Fineman: he is caucasian which is good
Tweety: an asian and a black guy on one ticket?!!? Cynthia what about regular white peple??
Cynthia: Blonde on Blonde is good
Tweets: give me your wisdom kelly
Kelly: taking Colorado could work!!
Rahter: nah
Tucker: nope
Fineman: he's got to win Ohio
Tweety: why Johnny Can't Read???
Fineman: he's old
Tweety: he's got to be more Big Dog and less Ron Burgundy
Rather: heh like the time i said 'Go Fuck Yourself America'
Tweety: when was that?
Rather: every night i worked for CBS news
Chris Matthews: McCain's campaign staff Arizona is being shaken up so much the Headquarters is called "Shake 'n Bake"
Howard Fineman: no one ever really leaves they just die of old age
Kelly O'Donnell: McCain is crazy - but some people like that
Tweety: is he a total loon or just eccentric?
Kelly: well let's say he's at least one solider short of a platoon
Chris Matthews: tell me a story!
Kelly O'Donnell: GOP leaders will tell Bush the convention this year will be held in Alaska
Cynthia Tucker: another angry black man can be tied to Obama
Howard Fineman: Colin Powell is desperate to be vindicated by history
Chris Matthews: omg Obama will speak at a football stadium he must be a mile high!!
Dan Rather: mimi boppo
Kelly O'Donnell: it's terrible - too much security
Cynthia Tucker: it will be a let down cause he can't give a speech
Howard Fineman: duh it's brilliant
Tweety: of course it is
******************************************************
The Chris Matthews Show
July 12, 2008
*********************************
Chris Matthews: omg teh Rocky mountains are going to be renamed the Baracky Mountains!!!
Dan Rather: he better carry Neuvo Mexico cause the Deer Hunters hate that elitist dood
Cynthia Tucker: he stole the primaries by registering young naive messiah-believing kids
Tweety: can he win Georgia?
Tucker: the black guy can win that state
Tweety: that’s good news for Obama!
Tucker: i was talking about Bob Barr
Howard Fineman: if the election were Sunday morning McCain wins because college kids will still be drunk but the tree hungers are early risers
Matthews: while Obama was swinging in the summer of love McCain was being bayoneted
Kelly O'Donnell: most young people don't even know McCain served in the Franco-Prussian war
Tweety: he's a good old American like John Wayne
Kelly: he never talks about his POW service he just runs endless ads on TV about it
Rather: it touches Americans deep in side
O'Donnell: McCain wants to remind young people that they and their friends could be killed in his war
Tweety: that's a winner!
Fineman: McCain shows he loves america by bombing people 7,000 miles away and Obama wants to bring people together
Tweety: doesn't sound very John Wayney to me
Tweety: VP!?!
O'Donnell: Obama should go with Evan Bayh
Fineman: that's stupid
O'Donnell: but he's popular
Fineman: he is caucasian which is good
Tweety: an asian and a black guy on one ticket?!!? Cynthia what about regular white peple??
Cynthia: Blonde on Blonde is good
Tweets: give me your wisdom kelly
Kelly: taking Colorado could work!!
Rahter: nah
Tucker: nope
Fineman: he's got to win Ohio
Tweety: why Johnny Can't Read???
Fineman: he's old
Tweety: he's got to be more Big Dog and less Ron Burgundy
Rather: heh like the time i said 'Go Fuck Yourself America'
Tweety: when was that?
Rather: every night i worked for CBS news
Chris Matthews: McCain's campaign staff Arizona is being shaken up so much the Headquarters is called "Shake 'n Bake"
Howard Fineman: no one ever really leaves they just die of old age
Kelly O'Donnell: McCain is crazy - but some people like that
Tweety: is he a total loon or just eccentric?
Kelly: well let's say he's at least one solider short of a platoon
Chris Matthews: tell me a story!
Kelly O'Donnell: GOP leaders will tell Bush the convention this year will be held in Alaska
Cynthia Tucker: another angry black man can be tied to Obama
Howard Fineman: Colin Powell is desperate to be vindicated by history
Chris Matthews: omg Obama will speak at a football stadium he must be a mile high!!
Dan Rather: mimi boppo
Kelly O'Donnell: it's terrible - too much security
Cynthia Tucker: it will be a let down cause he can't give a speech
Howard Fineman: duh it's brilliant
Tweety: of course it is
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