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Republican Debate - CNN - Tuesday, June 5, 2007
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Wolf: Let’s meet the candidates!
Tancredo: hi im tom Tancredo and im the crazy one in this debate
Thompson: my name is Thompson. Tommy Thompson. I have a license to kill. My own campaign.
Wolf: wait a minute dood yur not the actor
Thompson: no im running behind Fred McGruff in the polls and hes not even running
Wolf: ok well i guess u can stay anyway
Brownback: hi im sam Brownback and I’ve given birth to five children with my fictional uterus which I like to point at
Romney: my name is Mitt Romeny and im yur neighborhood stalker
Giuliani: u all know me - vote for me or die
McCain: im john mccain
[ZAP!]
McCain: holy fuck what was that!
Huckabee: im mike huckabee and for 10 years I was a woman named Francine
Hunter: Im duncan hunter and I to want to bomb the shit out of something
Gilmore: im Lorelie Gilmore and u may know me from my tv show
Paul: im Dr. Ron Paul i'm teh Constitution-guy
Q: dood wuz it a mistake to invade iraq
Romney: that is a non sequiter that's a French Latin term that is to say a Null Set
Q: dood what the fuck!
Monsieur Romeny: just imagine what if Saddam had let inspectors in
Q: but dood he did
Romney: well maybe but u can’t say that with troops in harms way rather u say to them doodz we fucked up we’re bringing you home just as soon as we can unfuck it
Rudy: war wuz the right thing nothing to do with WMD its all about 9/11 9/11 9/11
Wolf: now how did I know u were going to say that
Rudy: now bear with me its get weirder iran which is Shiite is going to spend billions to build a nuclear bomb and then give it away as a housewarming present to a bunch of unstable Sunni lunatics
McCain: no I didn’t read the NIE Matlock was on that day besides Saddam wuz cheating on that whole UN oil-for-magic beads program
Brownback: I will create a three state solution in Iraq Yankee Nation, Red Sox Nation and the Kurds
Gilmore: we should keep killing people in the middle east until its stable
McCain: let repeat for the millionth time that americans are frustrated and saddened making them sound like a bunch of whiny assholes - anyway if we leave they will follow us home and 100 americans a month will die in domestic attacks
Wolf: what happens in September
McCain: well then we just have to split up the bedrooms of iraq we’ve done it before in the GOP and watch genocide take place it would be like a really long version of Schindler’s List
Thompson: Bush should say to al maliki dood should we stay or not and if so are the goddamm Iraqis going to help us beat the fucking Iraqis or not and then all the little Iraqi states would take over and then bingo - no more civil war
Wolf: dood what about the oil revenues
Tommy: give every man, woman and man-child a barrel of oil
Hunter: hell I read that NIE and I invited everybody over to my house for a big slumber party - we can solve this in the next 3 - 4 months
Paul: oh fuck u all we are in more danger by staying
Huckabee: the Taliban is the scarryyy!!! They will kill us all!!!!!!!
Tancredo: fuck the Iraqis they’re all brown anyway
Q: dood should we talk with Iran and Syria after all brown people live there
Brownback: yes we should talk but we should say we are “confronting them” that will solve it
Wolf: really??
Brownback: oh yeah they had a bus drivers strike its like Montogomery Alabama
Hunter: ok let's talk but we don’t give up the right to bomb anyone anytime -- also we reserve the right to take out all 1,000 centrifuges in Iran
Wolf: should we u nuke Iran
Hunter: well u know never say never dood
Rudy: b4 I would talk to iran I would make them promise never to get nukes
Wolf: but they have nukes now
Rudy: yeah the democrats are living the 1990s after all Iran is a threat they can deliver a nuclear warhead--
Wolf: wait dood what did u just say???
Rudy: maybe they will e-mail a nuclear a bomb to terrorists did u ever think of that??
Wolf: wha???
Rudy: Fort Dix...JFK - this threat is real dood
Wolf: should the Law & Order guy named Thompson run for President
Thompson: yeah sure why not I’m dropping out soon anyway
Wolf: Rudy catholic leaders say ur a big sinner
Rudy: dood heres what I think on abortion
[ Lightning Strikes!!! ]
Wolf: whoa dood god is out to get u
Rudy: Yikes
Romney: I explained that roe v wade went to far when it led to embryo farming I mean they don’t even produce ethanol
Q: Huckster do u believe adam and eve rode dinosaurs to church
Huckabee: to me its simple you either believe god built the earth like a lego set 6,000 years ago or u can vote for a pagan atheist like Rudy over there
Wolf: dood r u descended from a monkey
Huckabee: well im not but maybe Tancredo is
Brownback: I believe god gave me cancer and I beat him thanx to science and saint anselm
McCain: I think kidz should all be exposed to all theories but not the Flying Spaghetti monster unless pastor Huckabee sez its ok
Romney: John F Kennedy wuz a member of freak ass religion too but u know I believe in the Bible, Jesus, the Declaration of Independence, and L Ron Hubbard
Ron Paul: I think localities should enact hate legislation not the federal government
Q: dood is global warming real
Guiliani: oh sure its real the best way to deal with it is to put Mitt Romney on the moon where he belongs
Romney: I would luv to go the moon but goddammit why is our oil under foreign lands where its scary!!!
McCain: I think oil companies should build nuclear plants
Q: dood why would they do that
McCain: beats the fuck out of me we should go where no man has gone before
Ron Paul: why are subsidizing oil companies - now I commit heresy we overthrew the leader of Iran over oil dammitt!!!
Gilmore: we should use new energies like biomass coal, gas, nuclear, solar, methane, cows, guano, firewood, kindling, rolled up newspapers, and marshamallows
Q: gayz in the military
Paul: why are gays asking for special rights lets just forbid them and they can shut up and stop whining
Huckabee: its alredy covered
Wolf: what is
Huckabee: IT
Wolf: huh?
Huck: what?
Guilani: now is it now the time look were at war we’re trying to build a Hybrid Army!
Romney: I thought it was don't ask don't tell was silly at first now is not the time for me to answer that question I’ll get back to you
McCain: I luv all brave soliders except the gay ones they’re bad and we should get rid of them even if we lose all wars
Wolf: does no one here luv the gays or men named Leslie??????
Q: How would u use George W. Bush
Thompson: not the UN that’s for sure
Brownback: Bill Clinton has violated the rulz by butting in and making Bush look bad by being all competent and its not fair whaaaaaa!!!!
Tancredo: fuck George W. Bush
Q: why are Republicans in fucking freefall?
Huckabee: aside from Iraq, Katrina, immigration, and corruption -- gee I don’t know. But this I do know - American needs to build a really really big fence!!!
Wolf: Pardon Scooter Libby?
Hunter: let me talk about immigrations we should shoot immigrants on sight goddammitt!!
Wolf: show of hands pardon Scooter Libby
Rudy: yes and no but yes
Wolf: yes or no dood
Rudy: blah blah blah
Romney: Fitzgerald is a very bad man
Brownback: Valerie Plame wuz not covert
Tancredo: yes because I expect to be on trial myself someday
Wolf: ok now Tom Tancredo will move all the chairs around while we get ready for the rest of the debate
Tancredo: hey
Wolf: u know the rules dood
[ back from break ]
Q: my little brother was killed in Iraq what would you do to bring our troops our home
Hunter: my son Duncan joined the marines on sept 12 IF we can win and IF Iraqis luvs America and IF it becomes like Japan and IF rainbows and unicorns live in Iraq then we can all live on lollipops
Brownback: Dems want us to be defeated whereas I wants to rip the county up into pieces and then pull out
McCain: dood that’s the dumbest idea I ever heard it will be long and hard and tough and so more young must die so your brother didn’t die in vain awwwwwwwwww
Q: Let’s fuck up Iraq some more yeah!!!
Paul: Jeebus lady yur drinking the kool aid what the fuck are our troops patrolling the streets of some middle east country use your fucking head
Guiliani: thank god we invaded Iraq it will prevent another terrorist attack we must engage in nation building but in order to make it happen we must crush the iraqis and its not too late Petraeus will tell the surge is the best yeah!!!
Lorelei Gilmore: when I was on the tv show the set was so pretty I wish America could be like that
Tancredo: I luv the whole earthy thing after all Teddy Roosevelt did it we just have to make it profitable the free market works perfectly on saving the tragedy of the commons
Q: doods drugs are cheaper in Spain why
Rudy: everyone should get a tax deduction to buy health insurance just like car insurance for example some people are happy to live with some diseases while others won’t -- everyone should get to choose about what level of sickness they are willing to live with
Hunter: my father-in-law is a drug criminal so I know so the solution is for American innovation to subsidize the rest of the world - isn’t that a great idea?
Wolf: no dood it sux
Blooger: Health insurance??
Thompson: awesome finally a question I can answer. We should have a wellness system, also obesity, tobacco, information technology, and a bill o frights
Romney: in my state we fixed it without the government - here I will talk about my plan endlessly without saying what the hell it is
Q: what is the most pressing moral issue facing America
Huckabee: that every life that votes republican is very precious for example we have fetishized the fetuses but Islamic jihadists are not Americans and so they blow people up
Rudy: I agree but I would put it this way we need to bomb the shit out of the middle east until they agree that America is superior
Paul: preemptive war. Holy cow now we are talking about nuclear strikes over countries that scare us a little bit that’s plain nutty
Brownback: If this party nominates rudy guilani this party will go to hell this used to be a party that believed that every sperm was sacred until the GOP decided he needed to be executed.
Q: Mitt yur a big flip flopper on Spanish
Mitt Romney: I luv immigrants they’re faaaaaaabulous!!!!!!
But I hate illegal immigrants notice I’m not answering the question - Europe Asia lets talk big exporting businesses
Tancredo: bilingual countries don’t work! Only English works!!!
Wolf: dood Canada, Switzerland
McCain: muchas gracies senor yanqi loco - I luv Hispanics!
Q: doodz why duz Bush suck
McCain: spending and corruption earmarking
Rudy: I would use statistical measuring programs for everything
Romney: Ronald Reagan had a vision lets export shit
Brownback: I think we should end death by cancer in America
Wolf: asshole I was asking why u lost in 2006
Tommy: healthcare and iraq and Democrats
Tancredo: Bush lost because he is a liberal and you can tell because Bush is very popular on liberal blogs
Paul: bush ran against nation-building and guess what happened
Gilmore: first they ousted Republicans and then they canceled my tv show its so sad I hate hillary
Hunter: I hate gay people
Huckabee: Republicans lost in 2006 because taxes are too high and there are too many immigrants
Q: what is an American
Tancredo: u must cut all ties from the past and only eat American food like pizza and General Tso’s chicken
Huckabee: I think u should be able to come to America but only thu Ticketmaster
Guiliani: legal immigrants are cool Tancredo is a know-nothing but the best America said Abe Lincoln is one who believes in crackin’ some skullz!!
McCain: sorry what I was napping let me ramble nonsensically for a minute
Q: how do we rescue the GOP
Gilmore: when I wuz on the Gilmore Girlz we had high ratings because had nifty patter and that can save America
Wolf: Ah-nold is the best!!!
Hunter: no he sux did u know Romney is a socialist and that all three of them helped Ted Kennedy kill somebody
Romey: now wait a minute let me give a stool sample family values
Rudy: Islamic terrorism - we are the party that lives in fear that us unites us
McCain: Islamic crazies are evil look at fort dix my friends we must become completely insane if that’s what it takes to win!!!!
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Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Monday, June 04, 2007
Democratic Debate - Sunday, June 4 2007
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Democratic Debate - Sunday, June 4 2007
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Wolf: I want everyone to introduce themselves
Gravel: hi my name is Mike and my campaign is not fake
Dennis Kucinich: I'm from Cleveland city of almost winners teh NBA title!!
Q: Obama, could it be that Bush is really great because we haven't been attacked since 9/11
Obama: no way dood Bush has made us less safer - he's helped Al Qaeda recruit, loss sight of terrorists in Afghanistan, and if we don't get cracking we will be attacked again
Wolf: Edwards you say the war on terror bumper sticker and not a plan - dood aren't we at war!!!
John Edwards: dood its all a cheap political slogan Bush made up so could use it justify all his crazy wiretapping and torture and shit
Hillary: i do not agree u know I was covered with the dust of 9/11 and they are a small band of doods who want to foist islam on all us and I'll be damned if i will wear a burka
Wolf: Dennis the JFK terror plot is super scary!!!!
Kucinich: Ben Franklin said those who drive down a cul de sac are doomed to drive around in a circle
Biden: i voted for the funding bill but look bush is a liar and the truth is that IEDs are really dangerous and i tried to fund V-shaped vehicles to stop that
Wolf: Hillary why do you play politics with the lives of our troops?
Hillary: the best way to support the troops is to bring those doods home but look we democrats are all united it’s those fucking Republicans who are wrong
Wolf: Obama why do you hate the troops?
Obama: because Iraq requires a political solution you idiot
Edwards: we recently had a moment of truth and some loosers on this stage voted wrong and even if some of them voted right they were cowardly cause they waited until the last minute that's not leadership
Obama: dood you are 4 years to late on you're so-called leadership so why don't you shut your white ass up
Hillary: right on bro!
[high five each other]
Hillary: look this is Bush's war and we're all trying to end this war in our own way i have a three step plan stop trying to start a fight between us Wolf
Wolf: fight! fight! fight!
Edwards: they are too quiet about their opposition to the war that's a clear difference
Dodd: may i talk
Wolf: if you insist
Dodd: this war is the suckiest thing ever and we have to end it
Wolf: let me make up crazy hypothetical questios what if withdrawal leads to a genocide in iraq
Richardson: i have unique position i think its a civil war and i would deauthorize the war
Wolf: what about the fake genocide i made up
Richardson: Darfur is terrible..
Wolf: dammitt what if Spiderman fought Superman who would win??
Gravel: Democrats voted for the war! Vietnam! Dominoes! Communist!
Wolf: ok that's enough from you
Wolf: Major Mike sez did all the troops who died waste their lives or should we stay forever?
Kucinich: this is totally a Democratic war - yank all the funding!
Biden: oh fer god's sake let's stop lying we have 50 votes in teh Senate you need 67 votes to end the war! George Bush has been emboldening the enemy!
Wolf: do you regret your vote to authorize force?
Hillary: i read the documents and thought sending the inspectors back for coercive diplomacy was a good idea lets not rehash the past
Edwards: i will admit that i was wrong and Obama was right - hillary won't do it
Wolf: Obama is that vote a disqualifier
Obama: not necessarily although i will say maybe you could have bothered to read the NIE
Wolf: interesting
Obama: thanx Edwards for your compliment i thought Bush was a big fearmongering liar and guess what i was right
Gravel: anyone who voted for this war is immoral and they are responsible 3,000 deaths
Hillary: well duh if had Gravel's time machine no i wouldn't vote the same way but i trusted bush to keep the inspectors in and bush pulled them out it's all Shrub's fault
Q: Richardson you’re hispanic are all those 12 million illegal aliens your relatives
Wolf: let repeat the entire question because CNN is like a high school AV club without the technical expertise
Richardson: well they’re not all my cousins of course i would hire 2 more border guards and punish corporations
Wolf: is it amnesty?
Bill: no
Wolf: yes it is!
Bill: no it isn’t we have the nifty touch-back program
Wolf: alright enough from you pedro
Biden: we need a big fence how can we send 10 million people back - look folks sometimes when you are President you have to be practical
Wolf: Obama, should we build a 700 mile fence with Canada?
Obama: why not guys with TB are sneaking in - but look i think getting these people to pay a fine is the best we're ever going to get.
Wolf: Should English be the official language?
Gravel: damm right i speak english sort of
Obama [interrupting] : dood you are trying to divide us and Wolf you are an asshole for bringing this up - wow i am so ruling this debate
Hillary: damm Obama beat me to it you know in New York alot of people speak other languages and not just Spanish but Chinese and whatever it is James Carville does
Dodd: we should all learn to speak Arabic
Wolf: health care - give me your easy solution
Edwards: Americans needs more mental health coverage i mean have you seen Hardball?
Obama: i would take on the insurance and drug companies who are hoarding their profits they roll around in piles of money naked every night
Hillary: heh heh oh i'm loving this look the plan is not the important thing -- the important thing is to be ready when the attacks from the entrenched interests come and they will
Richardson: in New Mexico we made every child under five eat their vegetables
Wolf: wow how
Richardson: my wife did it she's tough
Dodd: we have a shameful system what with infant mortality and it will take cooperation to get this done
Edwards: let me cite the New Republic even though it has no credibility and bash hillary and Obama we should require universal health coverage
Obama: ok Edwards dood some people won't be able afford coverage under your plan so how is that universal
Edwards: we make the children pay for it
Obama: how can a child make that much money
Edwards: maybe they can cut hair
Wolf: gayz in teh military
Hillary: you don't have to be straight to shoot straight!
Wolf: but wasn't ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ a mistake
Hillary: goddammit do you know how much heat Bill took for that policy you moron
Wolf: no i meant shouldn't he drum the gays all out and have them shunned
Biden: look i spent the night in a foxhole with american soldiers and no one asked me if i was gay
Gravel: [from offstage] We should've gotten rid of it 20 years ago!!!
Richardson: i would have civil unions and-
Wolf: shut up or i'll have you deported
Edwards: hillary is a petty legislator - we need a leader!
Gravel: Harry Truman outed Omar Bradley and that was very brave
Wolf: Hypo - you have a Bill Clinton under your command what do you do?
Richardson: to answer your stupid question i would make Bill UN ambassador or send him and hillary to the middle east
Obama: let me use this question to make myself look good - see how clever i am - its time to dump the foreign policy bluster and stupidity and be smart cool and black - hot damm slam dunk!
Hillary: ha ha ha - first i would have bill observed at all times heh heh and sure i would send away i never see him anyway
Wolf: gas prices!
Dodd: solar, wind, price fixing
Wolf: do not diss my beard dood!
Gravel: fuck you all i'm from Alaska i luv high gas prices!
Edwards: i'm a lawyer and i know something fishy is going on with these companies
Richardson: i have a very aggressive energy plan
Wolf: i ignore you i think you're a shifty eyed illegal
Now for Kwestuns from Regular Peeple!
Military Wife: how do you rebuild the military
Wolf: let's let the crazy keebler elf handle that one
Kucinich: peace thru strength baby!
Wolf: dood rebuild military?
Dennis: a small fraction of the $97 billion goes to troops the rest goes to bonfires made of 100 dollar bills
Obama: don’t confuse the size of the military and the Pentagon budget
Wolf: i dont follow
Obama: how about treating our troops like fucking human beings and not props for Bush?
Dodd: let's not forget i'm the only one here with silver hair that's got to count for something
Gravel: [far offstage] hey!
Q: should veterans get medical care?
Obama: i luv the troops of course but let me get technical here as i am wont to do you know the VA medical system is actually pretty good do you know Congress told Medicare not to negotiate for drug prices
Wolf: wow could i get a better rate on beard trimming?
Richardson: i would create a Heroes Health Card - that way any cheerleader who saved the world would get free health care
Wolf: dood she heals automatically
Ricardson: see its already working
Gravel: [coming back onstage] hey i get all my meds from the VA
Wolf: drag him off-
Gravel: walter reed is obama's fault ! -
Wolf: get grandpa's robe and slippers
Obama: Hey Abe let me finish
Gravel: oh matlock's on gotta go
Hillary: we spoke with the USSR when they were a real threat to us and said they would bury us we can talk to Iran
Wolf: Iran is scary
Hillary: Iran can never be allowed to build the bomb!
Wolf: what if they do
hillary: sending dick cheney is not the answer
Edwards: iran is not that scary really we can use carrots and sticks
Wolf: let me make up some stupid hypothetical where Iran is about to nuke Topeka Kansas
Biden: my dear wolfie you are true moron, aren't you?
Wolf: uhhhh
Biden: ok yes i would bomb iran
Hillary: we have to focus like a lazer beam on terror i spoke with the leaders of pakistan and they said Bush is teh suck
Wolf: should be we kill innocent people!
Obama: let me make up for my hesitant answer on terror in the last debate by saying you're damm right i would kill innocent people
Wolf: killing innocents yes or no
Hillary: ok that tears it - no more stupid hypotheticals Wolf you're getting a candidate revolt on your hands!
Q: Darfur?
Biden: we all talk to much
Wolf: wow dood coming from u that's something
Biden: we could take out the janjaweed with NATO tomorrow
Wolf: Show of hands: how do you solve Darfur
Hillary: i told you a minute ago Wolf no more stupid hypos or show of hands you’re are a genuine idiot - we refuse to asnswer!
[ crowd applause ]
Richardson: we should threaten to pull out of the Chinese Olympics until the Janjaweed give up
Obama: when we suspend the habeus corpus it erodes our moral authority
Biden: LOOK AM ME I'M YELLING
Wolf: alright dood
Richardson: Bush has robbed us of our moral authority with abu ghraib and guantanamo
Q: mandatory national service?
Gravel: i think we should have mandatory Matlock!
Kucinich: we should make it mandatory to help the elderly like Senator Gravel
Dodd: dood i served in teh peace corps but we don't need draft
CNN CHYRON
TOPIC: DEFINING RICH
Obama: i hear this everywhere i go globalization sux for a lot of people
Wolf: what is rich - give me an exact number
Obama: dood i have no idea what u r saying
Wolf: on what amout will u raise my taxes
Obama: 250,000
Wolf: ouch
Edwards: 200,000
Wolf: [weeping]
Edwards: college for everyone!
Q: how do we end deficits
Richardson: Constitutional amendment to balance the budget
Wolf: oh yeah that will work
Richardson: let insurance companies control costs
Wolf: what does that even mean?
Richardson: i dunno let me take credit for the bill clinton economy
Kucinich: health care for all, green economy,
Wolf: shut up peace-elf
Blogger: earmarks are bribes will u get rid of them
Dodd: The Chinese are manipulating the currency!
Wolf: Gravel has returned from his nap and has taken his meds
Gravel: i met the Comptroller!! We can't spend all this $$$!!!!
Wolf: back to the comfy room for you
Hillary: we had a surplus when i was First Lady and we can do it again
Gravel: my social security! It's a conspiracy!
Dennis: special interests have captured America!
Biden: well ok then publicly finance elections I'M YELLING
Teacher: First 100 days what would you do?
Edwards: travel the world and tell teh world that Americans are not all crazy and lead in a very soft spoken way
Clinton: bring teh troops home!
Obama: end iraq and move on health care cause that would be a snap
Richardson: in the first day i would upgrade kindergarten its shameful also upgrade arts sand cience and math and
Wolf: that's it new mexico
Biden: solve iraq, iran and north korea
Kucinich: I would hold hands will all the leaders of the world and ask Superman to rid the world of all nuclear weapons
Gravel: i wouldn't wait i'm going to pretend i'm president right now and end teh war!
Dodd: Restore the Constitution on the first day what could be more important!!
Wolf: Next debate will be on YouTube you dont miss it and now on to the Sopranos!!
Democratic Debate - Sunday, June 4 2007
*************************************************
Wolf: I want everyone to introduce themselves
Gravel: hi my name is Mike and my campaign is not fake
Dennis Kucinich: I'm from Cleveland city of almost winners teh NBA title!!
Q: Obama, could it be that Bush is really great because we haven't been attacked since 9/11
Obama: no way dood Bush has made us less safer - he's helped Al Qaeda recruit, loss sight of terrorists in Afghanistan, and if we don't get cracking we will be attacked again
Wolf: Edwards you say the war on terror bumper sticker and not a plan - dood aren't we at war!!!
John Edwards: dood its all a cheap political slogan Bush made up so could use it justify all his crazy wiretapping and torture and shit
Hillary: i do not agree u know I was covered with the dust of 9/11 and they are a small band of doods who want to foist islam on all us and I'll be damned if i will wear a burka
Wolf: Dennis the JFK terror plot is super scary!!!!
Kucinich: Ben Franklin said those who drive down a cul de sac are doomed to drive around in a circle
Biden: i voted for the funding bill but look bush is a liar and the truth is that IEDs are really dangerous and i tried to fund V-shaped vehicles to stop that
Wolf: Hillary why do you play politics with the lives of our troops?
Hillary: the best way to support the troops is to bring those doods home but look we democrats are all united it’s those fucking Republicans who are wrong
Wolf: Obama why do you hate the troops?
Obama: because Iraq requires a political solution you idiot
Edwards: we recently had a moment of truth and some loosers on this stage voted wrong and even if some of them voted right they were cowardly cause they waited until the last minute that's not leadership
Obama: dood you are 4 years to late on you're so-called leadership so why don't you shut your white ass up
Hillary: right on bro!
[high five each other]
Hillary: look this is Bush's war and we're all trying to end this war in our own way i have a three step plan stop trying to start a fight between us Wolf
Wolf: fight! fight! fight!
Edwards: they are too quiet about their opposition to the war that's a clear difference
Dodd: may i talk
Wolf: if you insist
Dodd: this war is the suckiest thing ever and we have to end it
Wolf: let me make up crazy hypothetical questios what if withdrawal leads to a genocide in iraq
Richardson: i have unique position i think its a civil war and i would deauthorize the war
Wolf: what about the fake genocide i made up
Richardson: Darfur is terrible..
Wolf: dammitt what if Spiderman fought Superman who would win??
Gravel: Democrats voted for the war! Vietnam! Dominoes! Communist!
Wolf: ok that's enough from you
Wolf: Major Mike sez did all the troops who died waste their lives or should we stay forever?
Kucinich: this is totally a Democratic war - yank all the funding!
Biden: oh fer god's sake let's stop lying we have 50 votes in teh Senate you need 67 votes to end the war! George Bush has been emboldening the enemy!
Wolf: do you regret your vote to authorize force?
Hillary: i read the documents and thought sending the inspectors back for coercive diplomacy was a good idea lets not rehash the past
Edwards: i will admit that i was wrong and Obama was right - hillary won't do it
Wolf: Obama is that vote a disqualifier
Obama: not necessarily although i will say maybe you could have bothered to read the NIE
Wolf: interesting
Obama: thanx Edwards for your compliment i thought Bush was a big fearmongering liar and guess what i was right
Gravel: anyone who voted for this war is immoral and they are responsible 3,000 deaths
Hillary: well duh if had Gravel's time machine no i wouldn't vote the same way but i trusted bush to keep the inspectors in and bush pulled them out it's all Shrub's fault
Q: Richardson you’re hispanic are all those 12 million illegal aliens your relatives
Wolf: let repeat the entire question because CNN is like a high school AV club without the technical expertise
Richardson: well they’re not all my cousins of course i would hire 2 more border guards and punish corporations
Wolf: is it amnesty?
Bill: no
Wolf: yes it is!
Bill: no it isn’t we have the nifty touch-back program
Wolf: alright enough from you pedro
Biden: we need a big fence how can we send 10 million people back - look folks sometimes when you are President you have to be practical
Wolf: Obama, should we build a 700 mile fence with Canada?
Obama: why not guys with TB are sneaking in - but look i think getting these people to pay a fine is the best we're ever going to get.
Wolf: Should English be the official language?
Gravel: damm right i speak english sort of
Obama [interrupting] : dood you are trying to divide us and Wolf you are an asshole for bringing this up - wow i am so ruling this debate
Hillary: damm Obama beat me to it you know in New York alot of people speak other languages and not just Spanish but Chinese and whatever it is James Carville does
Dodd: we should all learn to speak Arabic
Wolf: health care - give me your easy solution
Edwards: Americans needs more mental health coverage i mean have you seen Hardball?
Obama: i would take on the insurance and drug companies who are hoarding their profits they roll around in piles of money naked every night
Hillary: heh heh oh i'm loving this look the plan is not the important thing -- the important thing is to be ready when the attacks from the entrenched interests come and they will
Richardson: in New Mexico we made every child under five eat their vegetables
Wolf: wow how
Richardson: my wife did it she's tough
Dodd: we have a shameful system what with infant mortality and it will take cooperation to get this done
Edwards: let me cite the New Republic even though it has no credibility and bash hillary and Obama we should require universal health coverage
Obama: ok Edwards dood some people won't be able afford coverage under your plan so how is that universal
Edwards: we make the children pay for it
Obama: how can a child make that much money
Edwards: maybe they can cut hair
Wolf: gayz in teh military
Hillary: you don't have to be straight to shoot straight!
Wolf: but wasn't ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ a mistake
Hillary: goddammit do you know how much heat Bill took for that policy you moron
Wolf: no i meant shouldn't he drum the gays all out and have them shunned
Biden: look i spent the night in a foxhole with american soldiers and no one asked me if i was gay
Gravel: [from offstage] We should've gotten rid of it 20 years ago!!!
Richardson: i would have civil unions and-
Wolf: shut up or i'll have you deported
Edwards: hillary is a petty legislator - we need a leader!
Gravel: Harry Truman outed Omar Bradley and that was very brave
Wolf: Hypo - you have a Bill Clinton under your command what do you do?
Richardson: to answer your stupid question i would make Bill UN ambassador or send him and hillary to the middle east
Obama: let me use this question to make myself look good - see how clever i am - its time to dump the foreign policy bluster and stupidity and be smart cool and black - hot damm slam dunk!
Hillary: ha ha ha - first i would have bill observed at all times heh heh and sure i would send away i never see him anyway
Wolf: gas prices!
Dodd: solar, wind, price fixing
Wolf: do not diss my beard dood!
Gravel: fuck you all i'm from Alaska i luv high gas prices!
Edwards: i'm a lawyer and i know something fishy is going on with these companies
Richardson: i have a very aggressive energy plan
Wolf: i ignore you i think you're a shifty eyed illegal
Now for Kwestuns from Regular Peeple!
Military Wife: how do you rebuild the military
Wolf: let's let the crazy keebler elf handle that one
Kucinich: peace thru strength baby!
Wolf: dood rebuild military?
Dennis: a small fraction of the $97 billion goes to troops the rest goes to bonfires made of 100 dollar bills
Obama: don’t confuse the size of the military and the Pentagon budget
Wolf: i dont follow
Obama: how about treating our troops like fucking human beings and not props for Bush?
Dodd: let's not forget i'm the only one here with silver hair that's got to count for something
Gravel: [far offstage] hey!
Q: should veterans get medical care?
Obama: i luv the troops of course but let me get technical here as i am wont to do you know the VA medical system is actually pretty good do you know Congress told Medicare not to negotiate for drug prices
Wolf: wow could i get a better rate on beard trimming?
Richardson: i would create a Heroes Health Card - that way any cheerleader who saved the world would get free health care
Wolf: dood she heals automatically
Ricardson: see its already working
Gravel: [coming back onstage] hey i get all my meds from the VA
Wolf: drag him off-
Gravel: walter reed is obama's fault ! -
Wolf: get grandpa's robe and slippers
Obama: Hey Abe let me finish
Gravel: oh matlock's on gotta go
Hillary: we spoke with the USSR when they were a real threat to us and said they would bury us we can talk to Iran
Wolf: Iran is scary
Hillary: Iran can never be allowed to build the bomb!
Wolf: what if they do
hillary: sending dick cheney is not the answer
Edwards: iran is not that scary really we can use carrots and sticks
Wolf: let me make up some stupid hypothetical where Iran is about to nuke Topeka Kansas
Biden: my dear wolfie you are true moron, aren't you?
Wolf: uhhhh
Biden: ok yes i would bomb iran
Hillary: we have to focus like a lazer beam on terror i spoke with the leaders of pakistan and they said Bush is teh suck
Wolf: should be we kill innocent people!
Obama: let me make up for my hesitant answer on terror in the last debate by saying you're damm right i would kill innocent people
Wolf: killing innocents yes or no
Hillary: ok that tears it - no more stupid hypotheticals Wolf you're getting a candidate revolt on your hands!
Q: Darfur?
Biden: we all talk to much
Wolf: wow dood coming from u that's something
Biden: we could take out the janjaweed with NATO tomorrow
Wolf: Show of hands: how do you solve Darfur
Hillary: i told you a minute ago Wolf no more stupid hypos or show of hands you’re are a genuine idiot - we refuse to asnswer!
[ crowd applause ]
Richardson: we should threaten to pull out of the Chinese Olympics until the Janjaweed give up
Obama: when we suspend the habeus corpus it erodes our moral authority
Biden: LOOK AM ME I'M YELLING
Wolf: alright dood
Richardson: Bush has robbed us of our moral authority with abu ghraib and guantanamo
Q: mandatory national service?
Gravel: i think we should have mandatory Matlock!
Kucinich: we should make it mandatory to help the elderly like Senator Gravel
Dodd: dood i served in teh peace corps but we don't need draft
CNN CHYRON
TOPIC: DEFINING RICH
Obama: i hear this everywhere i go globalization sux for a lot of people
Wolf: what is rich - give me an exact number
Obama: dood i have no idea what u r saying
Wolf: on what amout will u raise my taxes
Obama: 250,000
Wolf: ouch
Edwards: 200,000
Wolf: [weeping]
Edwards: college for everyone!
Q: how do we end deficits
Richardson: Constitutional amendment to balance the budget
Wolf: oh yeah that will work
Richardson: let insurance companies control costs
Wolf: what does that even mean?
Richardson: i dunno let me take credit for the bill clinton economy
Kucinich: health care for all, green economy,
Wolf: shut up peace-elf
Blogger: earmarks are bribes will u get rid of them
Dodd: The Chinese are manipulating the currency!
Wolf: Gravel has returned from his nap and has taken his meds
Gravel: i met the Comptroller!! We can't spend all this $$$!!!!
Wolf: back to the comfy room for you
Hillary: we had a surplus when i was First Lady and we can do it again
Gravel: my social security! It's a conspiracy!
Dennis: special interests have captured America!
Biden: well ok then publicly finance elections I'M YELLING
Teacher: First 100 days what would you do?
Edwards: travel the world and tell teh world that Americans are not all crazy and lead in a very soft spoken way
Clinton: bring teh troops home!
Obama: end iraq and move on health care cause that would be a snap
Richardson: in the first day i would upgrade kindergarten its shameful also upgrade arts sand cience and math and
Wolf: that's it new mexico
Biden: solve iraq, iran and north korea
Kucinich: I would hold hands will all the leaders of the world and ask Superman to rid the world of all nuclear weapons
Gravel: i wouldn't wait i'm going to pretend i'm president right now and end teh war!
Dodd: Restore the Constitution on the first day what could be more important!!
Wolf: Next debate will be on YouTube you dont miss it and now on to the Sopranos!!
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Meet The Press - Sunday, June 3, 2007
**************************************************
Meet The Press - Sunday, June 3, 2007
**************************************************
Tim Russert: let’s talk about actor Fred Thompson
Mary Matalin: everywhere you go the Fred Fanz show up everywhere the jets are fueled up and running
Tim Russert: dood has no rationale althought he’s got a red pickup truck though so i guess he would make good president
Mary Matalin: that truck is a symbol of him saying I’m secretly a communist ha ha no im just kidding of course - it was a movie prop
Murphy: if I were Fred I would wait because them people would actually ask his positions now they just review Law & Order episodes
Tim: who does he hurt the most
Murphy: McCain because you either luv or him or think he’s a senile idiot
Timm: tha’ts not what they said on Matthews' show
Bob Shrum: we’re all sad that George Allen dropped out he would have be fun to beat
Carville: [unintelligble]
Tim: dood what did u say
Murphy: everyone flip flops but Romney has made it into a fine art
Timmy: what about John McCain
Murphy: well he’s on the wrong side of every issue so he has to make that a strength - he’s brave enough to be totally wrong
Tim: Is Rudy too much of cross-dressing gay lover?
Matalin: Conservatism won in 2006 what is means that you love the Founding Fathers the so-called "isuses" are irrelevant
Timmy: Mary that’s so stupid is Rudy too fucking liberal or not
Mary Matalin: no this year social conservatives care more about torturing brown people that preventing brown people from aborting which from their perspective is not all that bad actually
Timmeh: good point
[break]
Russert: Hillary is a conniving controlling ambitious bitch so what's up
Carville: she’s a woman and she’s the most attacked person and i'm a big admirer and of course she’s ambitious
Russert: wow so are you with her not
Carville: well I like obama too
Shrum: i have no doubt hillary can win
Tim: dood given yur track record that means she’s doomed
Murphy: she’s not a change agent she wants to bring us back to the 1990s and god forbid that should happen
Carville: that’s a good point but she is starting to experiment with smiling and even laughter we'll see how it goes
Matalin: let’s not get obsessed with the books her real weakness is that she’s a liberal xian baby eater
Russert: let my inject my opinion here i have my eraserboard all ready!!
Matalin: its all about the purple people
Tim: So she can win in Utah?
Matalin: i said people not aliens
Timmy: The Bobblespeak Translations did a good job of summarizing this Countdown Episode with Al Gore
Carville: The Bobblespeak blog is like having sex you can't just come once
Tim: meaning what
Carville: gore wants to run and it’s not a character flaw
Tim: who can blame him - Oscar winner, book writer, Nobel prize nominee
James: dood thats why he’s going to run!
Shrum: don’t be too sure he’s a prophet and is having a real impact on the whole world more so than Millard Fillmore believe it or not
Russert: dood yur advice killed al gore
Shrum: nobodys perfekt
Tim: Obama sez they're all boring baby boomers
Murphy: very clever of Obama he is totally change on the other hand its too much about spaceships
Tim: huh?
Shrum: fuck Obama its because of me a black man can even run for President
Carville: its teh protestant work ethic its because of max weber that Shrum can lose election after election and still be on teevee
Russert: people luv obama
Carville: obama needs spice and seasoning
Timmer: dood he’s not a gumbo
Matalin: we have to understand who the enemy is
Tim: who is it
Matalin: its Hillary she's thinking really long term she’s a bobble u can push but she wont go down
Murphy: its obama because this whole election is about change
Carville: everyone is going to go down in one primary it’s about how you handle defeat and get back up again
Tim: bob you tell a story about Iraq that Edwards chickened out on the Iraq vote -- so you were wrong about that too
Edwards Camp: bob shrum is a big liar
Shrum: i believe they all vote based on politics sometimes - i still luv Edwards i guess he hates me now
Tim: dood you work for someone and they lose what’s up
Shrum: what can i say i got teh magic touch
Tim: conservatives hate bush
Mary: no that isn't true look he handed them the Supreme Court and wrecked the military and remember George Washington was almost impeached and we would be speaking German if it wasn't for brave politicians like Bush
Tim: ok you're insane
Matalin: the GOP polls are with me they still luv Bush
Tim: not even Rushbo is with him on immigration
Murhpy: im so proud of the President for the immigration billon - on the other hand Bush's presidency will be over really a year from now
Tim: Competence?
Carville: oh yes that's why the whole Republican party is in freefall
Matalin: that’s all you got is bush hatred its so sad
Shrum: we shouldn't rely only on polls we should be brave
Tim: Democrats will only prove they have integrity if they take unpopular positions
Shrum: like you Tim I’m from a blue collar family and i grew up to wreck the democratic party
Tim: wow that is so cool
Murphy: oh sure it's easy to attack Republicans but if that's all democrats have teh GOP can win in 2008 by running against Republicans
Carville: Republicans have to be the dumbest fucks on the planet
Matalin: yeah but democrats are cowards and wimps who are in favor of beheadings
Shrum: give me a break
Matalin: oh sure obsess with a silly petty issue like Iraq but then what will happen to Eurabia???
Tim: where is that?
Matalin: read my favorite writer George Orwell
Timmeh: everyone luvs James Carville’s sexy bald head
Mary: that's my man!
Timmeh: whats "going ugly early"?
Carville: dood don’t ask
Timmeh: here's my obligatory conflict of interest disclaimer about how my son work with Carville it’s all incestuous ha ha hah
Meet The Press - Sunday, June 3, 2007
**************************************************
Tim Russert: let’s talk about actor Fred Thompson
Mary Matalin: everywhere you go the Fred Fanz show up everywhere the jets are fueled up and running
Tim Russert: dood has no rationale althought he’s got a red pickup truck though so i guess he would make good president
Mary Matalin: that truck is a symbol of him saying I’m secretly a communist ha ha no im just kidding of course - it was a movie prop
Murphy: if I were Fred I would wait because them people would actually ask his positions now they just review Law & Order episodes
Tim: who does he hurt the most
Murphy: McCain because you either luv or him or think he’s a senile idiot
Timm: tha’ts not what they said on Matthews' show
Bob Shrum: we’re all sad that George Allen dropped out he would have be fun to beat
Carville: [unintelligble]
Tim: dood what did u say
Murphy: everyone flip flops but Romney has made it into a fine art
Timmy: what about John McCain
Murphy: well he’s on the wrong side of every issue so he has to make that a strength - he’s brave enough to be totally wrong
Tim: Is Rudy too much of cross-dressing gay lover?
Matalin: Conservatism won in 2006 what is means that you love the Founding Fathers the so-called "isuses" are irrelevant
Timmy: Mary that’s so stupid is Rudy too fucking liberal or not
Mary Matalin: no this year social conservatives care more about torturing brown people that preventing brown people from aborting which from their perspective is not all that bad actually
Timmeh: good point
[break]
Russert: Hillary is a conniving controlling ambitious bitch so what's up
Carville: she’s a woman and she’s the most attacked person and i'm a big admirer and of course she’s ambitious
Russert: wow so are you with her not
Carville: well I like obama too
Shrum: i have no doubt hillary can win
Tim: dood given yur track record that means she’s doomed
Murphy: she’s not a change agent she wants to bring us back to the 1990s and god forbid that should happen
Carville: that’s a good point but she is starting to experiment with smiling and even laughter we'll see how it goes
Matalin: let’s not get obsessed with the books her real weakness is that she’s a liberal xian baby eater
Russert: let my inject my opinion here i have my eraserboard all ready!!
Matalin: its all about the purple people
Tim: So she can win in Utah?
Matalin: i said people not aliens
Timmy: The Bobblespeak Translations did a good job of summarizing this Countdown Episode with Al Gore
Carville: The Bobblespeak blog is like having sex you can't just come once
Tim: meaning what
Carville: gore wants to run and it’s not a character flaw
Tim: who can blame him - Oscar winner, book writer, Nobel prize nominee
James: dood thats why he’s going to run!
Shrum: don’t be too sure he’s a prophet and is having a real impact on the whole world more so than Millard Fillmore believe it or not
Russert: dood yur advice killed al gore
Shrum: nobodys perfekt
Tim: Obama sez they're all boring baby boomers
Murphy: very clever of Obama he is totally change on the other hand its too much about spaceships
Tim: huh?
Shrum: fuck Obama its because of me a black man can even run for President
Carville: its teh protestant work ethic its because of max weber that Shrum can lose election after election and still be on teevee
Russert: people luv obama
Carville: obama needs spice and seasoning
Timmer: dood he’s not a gumbo
Matalin: we have to understand who the enemy is
Tim: who is it
Matalin: its Hillary she's thinking really long term she’s a bobble u can push but she wont go down
Murphy: its obama because this whole election is about change
Carville: everyone is going to go down in one primary it’s about how you handle defeat and get back up again
Tim: bob you tell a story about Iraq that Edwards chickened out on the Iraq vote -- so you were wrong about that too
Edwards Camp: bob shrum is a big liar
Shrum: i believe they all vote based on politics sometimes - i still luv Edwards i guess he hates me now
Tim: dood you work for someone and they lose what’s up
Shrum: what can i say i got teh magic touch
Tim: conservatives hate bush
Mary: no that isn't true look he handed them the Supreme Court and wrecked the military and remember George Washington was almost impeached and we would be speaking German if it wasn't for brave politicians like Bush
Tim: ok you're insane
Matalin: the GOP polls are with me they still luv Bush
Tim: not even Rushbo is with him on immigration
Murhpy: im so proud of the President for the immigration billon - on the other hand Bush's presidency will be over really a year from now
Tim: Competence?
Carville: oh yes that's why the whole Republican party is in freefall
Matalin: that’s all you got is bush hatred its so sad
Shrum: we shouldn't rely only on polls we should be brave
Tim: Democrats will only prove they have integrity if they take unpopular positions
Shrum: like you Tim I’m from a blue collar family and i grew up to wreck the democratic party
Tim: wow that is so cool
Murphy: oh sure it's easy to attack Republicans but if that's all democrats have teh GOP can win in 2008 by running against Republicans
Carville: Republicans have to be the dumbest fucks on the planet
Matalin: yeah but democrats are cowards and wimps who are in favor of beheadings
Shrum: give me a break
Matalin: oh sure obsess with a silly petty issue like Iraq but then what will happen to Eurabia???
Tim: where is that?
Matalin: read my favorite writer George Orwell
Timmeh: everyone luvs James Carville’s sexy bald head
Mary: that's my man!
Timmeh: whats "going ugly early"?
Carville: dood don’t ask
Timmeh: here's my obligatory conflict of interest disclaimer about how my son work with Carville it’s all incestuous ha ha hah
The Chris Matthews Show - Sunday, June 3, 2007
********************************************************
The Chris Matthews Show - Sunday, June 3, 2007
********************************************************
Chris Matthews: wow the evil Clintons planned 20 years ago for her to have 2 terms in the white house and that’s against the law
Healy (NYT): this is bad it suggests that they are one person which means monica also gave her a blow job
Chris: she’s too calculating
Cynthia Tucker: dood of course she’s ambitious and of course you are a sexist pig
Chris: let me quote from the Bobblespeak Translations blog from last week who quoted Shakespeare
Joe Klein: its idiotic to think they planned 2 terms for each i mean who could plan something like that
Chris: no no they are like William and Mary its eeeeeviiillllll!!!!!!
Klein: the fact is that she is smart enough to flatter me whereas Obama has questioned my brillianz
O'Donnell: this is old news
Healy: teh clintons are old and boring - but obama is too young - i guess we have to elect fred thompson
Chris: i am obsessed with hillary to let me observe she wanted to invade iraq
Healy: she has to admit she was wrong
Klein: oh sure she has "positions" but she has to have a theme you know a vision
Chris: is gore a change agent?
Klein: Gore - this guy was right about everything for the last 20 years
Chris: yeah but does he have sex appeal
Klein: Chris you have fantasies about Rudy and Fred Thompson money people in American fantasize about Gore and Obama
Chris: is Gore going to run
Healy/O'Donnell: no
Klein: maybe -- i will reveal all on Swampland
Tweety: no, he won’t run
[break]
Chris Matthews: Bill Clinton keeps pushing his wife on us maybe we should just let them run America
Klein: i luv Bill too but enough maybe is enough
Chris: so the Bushes just want to let Hillary win
Norah: i don’t think so
Tucker: all bets are off
[on tape]
[ Bill Frist: Terri shuld be in teh senate
Allen: macacca!!!! ]
[back to show]
Chris: Fred McGruff - who does he hurt?
Klein: McCain because McGruff sounds so similar
O'Donell: McCain because he’s like non-senile version of straight talkin’ dood
Klein: not Rudy because he trying to win teh nomination by winning California and NY
Tucker: Fred Thompson is not scary but rather avulcular and a good actor so of course he can be President
Chris: i luv you cause that’s what i think
Norah: he is like Reagan -- dumb but can hit his marks
Klein: Ohio is the whole thing and right now no Democrat loses there
Tweety: [starts sobbing]
Chris: Predictions!!
Tucker: The head of the CDC will be bounced over TB Guy
Healy: by July McCain will be broke
O'Donnell: some anonymous GOP wingnut chick is going to go to iraq
Chris: so who gives a shit - u had a baby yur like a 50s wife
Klein: Al will wait until after the Nobels maybe October - Hey my advice Al don’t lose the weight run as a fat guy it will be really cool
Chris: will he pardon Scooter Libby?
Tucker, Healy, O'Donnell: no
Matthews, Klein: yes he knows where the bodies are buried
The Chris Matthews Show - Sunday, June 3, 2007
********************************************************
Chris Matthews: wow the evil Clintons planned 20 years ago for her to have 2 terms in the white house and that’s against the law
Healy (NYT): this is bad it suggests that they are one person which means monica also gave her a blow job
Chris: she’s too calculating
Cynthia Tucker: dood of course she’s ambitious and of course you are a sexist pig
Chris: let me quote from the Bobblespeak Translations blog from last week who quoted Shakespeare
Joe Klein: its idiotic to think they planned 2 terms for each i mean who could plan something like that
Chris: no no they are like William and Mary its eeeeeviiillllll!!!!!!
Klein: the fact is that she is smart enough to flatter me whereas Obama has questioned my brillianz
O'Donnell: this is old news
Healy: teh clintons are old and boring - but obama is too young - i guess we have to elect fred thompson
Chris: i am obsessed with hillary to let me observe she wanted to invade iraq
Healy: she has to admit she was wrong
Klein: oh sure she has "positions" but she has to have a theme you know a vision
Chris: is gore a change agent?
Klein: Gore - this guy was right about everything for the last 20 years
Chris: yeah but does he have sex appeal
Klein: Chris you have fantasies about Rudy and Fred Thompson money people in American fantasize about Gore and Obama
Chris: is Gore going to run
Healy/O'Donnell: no
Klein: maybe -- i will reveal all on Swampland
Tweety: no, he won’t run
[break]
Chris Matthews: Bill Clinton keeps pushing his wife on us maybe we should just let them run America
Klein: i luv Bill too but enough maybe is enough
Chris: so the Bushes just want to let Hillary win
Norah: i don’t think so
Tucker: all bets are off
[on tape]
[ Bill Frist: Terri shuld be in teh senate
Allen: macacca!!!! ]
[back to show]
Chris: Fred McGruff - who does he hurt?
Klein: McCain because McGruff sounds so similar
O'Donell: McCain because he’s like non-senile version of straight talkin’ dood
Klein: not Rudy because he trying to win teh nomination by winning California and NY
Tucker: Fred Thompson is not scary but rather avulcular and a good actor so of course he can be President
Chris: i luv you cause that’s what i think
Norah: he is like Reagan -- dumb but can hit his marks
Klein: Ohio is the whole thing and right now no Democrat loses there
Tweety: [starts sobbing]
Chris: Predictions!!
Tucker: The head of the CDC will be bounced over TB Guy
Healy: by July McCain will be broke
O'Donnell: some anonymous GOP wingnut chick is going to go to iraq
Chris: so who gives a shit - u had a baby yur like a 50s wife
Klein: Al will wait until after the Nobels maybe October - Hey my advice Al don’t lose the weight run as a fat guy it will be really cool
Chris: will he pardon Scooter Libby?
Tucker, Healy, O'Donnell: no
Matthews, Klein: yes he knows where the bodies are buried
The McLaughlin Group - Sunday, June 3, 2007
*************************************************
The McLaughlin Group - Sunday, June 3, 2007
**************************************************
John McLaughlin: third parties are fun by only George Wallace and Strom Thurmond actually won electoral votes
Buchanan: yeah but me and Ralph Nader did cost our party the elections
Clift: true the electoral college is stacked against 3rd parties you have to have alot of credits to graduate -- but there is still an opening from the right - Bloomberg/Hagel
Sanchez: The system stacked against them
Clift: thats what i said you wannabe
Sanchez: i luv the contract on america
Page: the big parties suck i like Teddy Roosevelt - what’s the big issue now
McL: Iraq
Page: right on dood
Buchanan: here's a centrist position -- Build a wall, protectionism, and bring the troops home
McLaughlin: oh great
Clift: people think the big parties are too cautious -- where are the bold ideas
Sanchez: remember the year 1860
McL: i do
Buchanan: look unless you arr a regional candidate you don't get electoral votes
McL: why do people hate the big parties
Clift: young people are like baseball players they are all free agents
Sanchez: this election is the end of the Reagan era
Page: well now we have teevee and the internet but dood the independent voter is a myth like unicorns or Bush's charm
McL: a third party is forming watch out!!!!
[commercial break]
McLaughlin: election 2008 is the perfect storm leading to a third party run it would be populist uniting unions and right wing crazies
Clift: if the big parties have good candidates I’m sorry yur fantasies are not going to happen
McLaughlin: hillary is hated and Obama is black - so there's your third party
Buchanan: no there's a Fourth Party ready -- if you nominate three New York liberals Rudy, Hillary and Bloomberg
Sanchez: ah well --
Buchanan: shut up we need a far right candidate
Clift: hillary is bashed by the left for being too far right
McL: Solomon Brothers fired Bloomberg and now he’s worth $5 billion so he should be President -- although he's divorced, jewish and short
Sanchez: he’s cool but no
McL: but he’s got the money!!!
Buchanan: he beats hillary he’s a big lefty
Clift: i would vote for him
McL: how about him for vice preznit
Buchanan: now that would be smart
McL: Bloomgerg / Hagel???
Page: that would be awesome
Buchanan: a billion dollars wouldn't cut it but he could take NYS
Clift: no one wants to be remembered as a ralph naber in other words the worst asshole in the world
McL: does Bloomberg run and win
Buchanan: no
Panel: ha ha ha
****************************************************
The McLaughlin Group - Sunday, June 3, 2007
**************************************************
John McLaughlin: third parties are fun by only George Wallace and Strom Thurmond actually won electoral votes
Buchanan: yeah but me and Ralph Nader did cost our party the elections
Clift: true the electoral college is stacked against 3rd parties you have to have alot of credits to graduate -- but there is still an opening from the right - Bloomberg/Hagel
Sanchez: The system stacked against them
Clift: thats what i said you wannabe
Sanchez: i luv the contract on america
Page: the big parties suck i like Teddy Roosevelt - what’s the big issue now
McL: Iraq
Page: right on dood
Buchanan: here's a centrist position -- Build a wall, protectionism, and bring the troops home
McLaughlin: oh great
Clift: people think the big parties are too cautious -- where are the bold ideas
Sanchez: remember the year 1860
McL: i do
Buchanan: look unless you arr a regional candidate you don't get electoral votes
McL: why do people hate the big parties
Clift: young people are like baseball players they are all free agents
Sanchez: this election is the end of the Reagan era
Page: well now we have teevee and the internet but dood the independent voter is a myth like unicorns or Bush's charm
McL: a third party is forming watch out!!!!
[commercial break]
McLaughlin: election 2008 is the perfect storm leading to a third party run it would be populist uniting unions and right wing crazies
Clift: if the big parties have good candidates I’m sorry yur fantasies are not going to happen
McLaughlin: hillary is hated and Obama is black - so there's your third party
Buchanan: no there's a Fourth Party ready -- if you nominate three New York liberals Rudy, Hillary and Bloomberg
Sanchez: ah well --
Buchanan: shut up we need a far right candidate
Clift: hillary is bashed by the left for being too far right
McL: Solomon Brothers fired Bloomberg and now he’s worth $5 billion so he should be President -- although he's divorced, jewish and short
Sanchez: he’s cool but no
McL: but he’s got the money!!!
Buchanan: he beats hillary he’s a big lefty
Clift: i would vote for him
McL: how about him for vice preznit
Buchanan: now that would be smart
McL: Bloomgerg / Hagel???
Page: that would be awesome
Buchanan: a billion dollars wouldn't cut it but he could take NYS
Clift: no one wants to be remembered as a ralph naber in other words the worst asshole in the world
McL: does Bloomberg run and win
Buchanan: no
Panel: ha ha ha
****************************************************
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Hardball - June 1, 2007
***************************************************
Hardball - June 1, 2007
****************************************************
Chris Matthews: Why is Dan Bartlett leaving the White House now?
Wolff: dood Dan Bartlett is teh big traitor hes leaving my prez at the time when the rubber meets the road
Gregory: but dood theres always pivotal time when yur with George Bush theres always an alien spaceship about to wipe out earth
Wolff: well gee im sorry but I don’t feel sorry for Dan Bartlett we all have hard jobs i think it’s a signal and it is that bush has leprosy Bartlett is a rat fleeing the Titanic
Slater: dood these original Texans were in teh boiler room when bush first started manipulating stocks so this is big
Chris: yeah i bought those
Slater: its sad its like when Screech left to box that dood from teh brady bunch
Gregory: it was dan bartlett's idea to get bush to edumacate teh american people with maps and homework and shit
Chris: will he discipline me if ask him to
Gregory: dood i don't think so
Chris: damm
Wolff: bartlett is a looser for leaving my prez high and dry i say fuck him
Bernstein [on tape]: hillary is teh big phony
Chris: its a beautiful book although i haven't read it
Wolff: hes bitter cause hillary is wooden and he got splinters
Chris: i like to see politicians cry and luv it when you see them the lights are on and nobody's home like Ronald Reagan
Slater: she's a cold calculating bitch no wonder bill slept with monica
Chris: what about the issues
Slater: none of that matters - with women you must have the illusion that she will sleep with you and when i met her she didn't give that vibe
Fester: dood thats stupid we got bush who rubbed my bald head and guess what iraq is still a fucking mess
Chris: thats a good point i luv yur stuff can i rub yur head later
Fester: ok
Chris: goody - well be right back
[commercial break]
Chris Matthews [singing for Dan Bartlett]:
for hes a jolly good fellow!!! for hes a jolly good fellow!!!
Bartlett: dood im retriring but i still wont sleep with u
Chris: dammitt why duz the Dolphin Lady aka peggy noonan say you all suck
Dan: in totality we recognize bush hasn't done shit for 6 years
Chris: so with all this immigration bill look dood everyone is breaking teh law
Bartlett: thats true
Chris: so you all suck
Dan: the beauty of this bill is that is has benchmarks
Chris: dood do you hear yurself
Dan: look Americans wont work for less than minimum wage so we have to bring them in and then send them away when big businesses don’t need them anymore
Matthews: dood they will never leave so we have to build a really big fence!!!
Dan: no, no, no, we have to have poor workers or big CEOs won’t have golden shower curtains
Matthews: heh you said golden shower
Dan: im just glad to leave this fucked-up white house
Chris: dont go work for Fox News they’re all crazier than me
Dan: well that’s really saying something Tweety
Matthews: hah! yur the best
[commercial break]
Chris: we’re going to talk about crazy books like ‘dood theres a liberal under my bed’
Young Weirdo: I’m looking to reach out young children
Chris: ok u could not be more creepy if u confessed to killing jon benet
Weird Guy: its a cartoon against liberals and hillary and in favor of teh free market we have to make stuff up but its cool
Liberal weirdo: this isn’t fun but that’s typical for so-called conservative humor
Conservative nutjob: glaciers are not melting its all lies
Chris: should we indoctinate kids in politics or is that too much although in fairness i was conducting mock wankery in my basement when i was 7 years old
Crazy lady: well there u go Chris why not
Chris: dood “liberal under my bed” - whats up
Young Psycho: its all in fun we're just trying put the fear of women into kids
Chris: ever since i read yur book I’ve been looking under my bed for hillary can u imagine how kidz feel - and im normal
Wingnut: well I’m not sure about that
[commercial break]
Guest: Jim Cramer
Matthews: dood who does wall st luv?
Cramer: dood Edwards is teh scary!!!
Chris: hes got $$ in a hedge fund and he know they make too much money -- we dont anyone who knows too much about what we do
Chris: who duz wall street chooz
Cramer: Mitt Romeny is teh best buziness dood in north america
Chris: what about mrs evil
Camer: hillary is ok too but Mitt is teh bomb dood he wuz a venture capitalist he saved duane reed
Chris: how do we fix towns that only have a diner with a dominos
Cramer: look i like pizza too but Mitt is teh man reminds me of Robert Rubin
Chris: bob rubin wuz a good Secretary of Money?
Cramer: he wuz the best since Alexander Hamilton maybe better since he probably wont get killed in a duel
Chris: well not in Weehauken anyway
Chris: can Eliot Spizter really save Troy or Schenectady
Cramer: Schwarzenegger is doing a great job people wanna work callyfonia again
Chris: plus hes got a great body
Cramer: if u say so dood
[commercial break]
Chris: is hillary a woman or is she right
Allen (from CQ): dood its over
Capeheart: dood this is perfectly normal
Chris: lets bash hillary
Capeheart: dood shes fair game
Chris: it must be a great book its a great pic on teh cover
Capreheart: well i haven't read them
Chris: she flunked teh bar exam and didn't tell anyone
Allen: well why would u
Chris: hah! Good answer well I’ve bashed hillary twice in one program my work is done.
Hardball - June 1, 2007
****************************************************
Chris Matthews: Why is Dan Bartlett leaving the White House now?
Wolff: dood Dan Bartlett is teh big traitor hes leaving my prez at the time when the rubber meets the road
Gregory: but dood theres always pivotal time when yur with George Bush theres always an alien spaceship about to wipe out earth
Wolff: well gee im sorry but I don’t feel sorry for Dan Bartlett we all have hard jobs i think it’s a signal and it is that bush has leprosy Bartlett is a rat fleeing the Titanic
Slater: dood these original Texans were in teh boiler room when bush first started manipulating stocks so this is big
Chris: yeah i bought those
Slater: its sad its like when Screech left to box that dood from teh brady bunch
Gregory: it was dan bartlett's idea to get bush to edumacate teh american people with maps and homework and shit
Chris: will he discipline me if ask him to
Gregory: dood i don't think so
Chris: damm
Wolff: bartlett is a looser for leaving my prez high and dry i say fuck him
Bernstein [on tape]: hillary is teh big phony
Chris: its a beautiful book although i haven't read it
Wolff: hes bitter cause hillary is wooden and he got splinters
Chris: i like to see politicians cry and luv it when you see them the lights are on and nobody's home like Ronald Reagan
Slater: she's a cold calculating bitch no wonder bill slept with monica
Chris: what about the issues
Slater: none of that matters - with women you must have the illusion that she will sleep with you and when i met her she didn't give that vibe
Fester: dood thats stupid we got bush who rubbed my bald head and guess what iraq is still a fucking mess
Chris: thats a good point i luv yur stuff can i rub yur head later
Fester: ok
Chris: goody - well be right back
[commercial break]
Chris Matthews [singing for Dan Bartlett]:
for hes a jolly good fellow!!! for hes a jolly good fellow!!!
Bartlett: dood im retriring but i still wont sleep with u
Chris: dammitt why duz the Dolphin Lady aka peggy noonan say you all suck
Dan: in totality we recognize bush hasn't done shit for 6 years
Chris: so with all this immigration bill look dood everyone is breaking teh law
Bartlett: thats true
Chris: so you all suck
Dan: the beauty of this bill is that is has benchmarks
Chris: dood do you hear yurself
Dan: look Americans wont work for less than minimum wage so we have to bring them in and then send them away when big businesses don’t need them anymore
Matthews: dood they will never leave so we have to build a really big fence!!!
Dan: no, no, no, we have to have poor workers or big CEOs won’t have golden shower curtains
Matthews: heh you said golden shower
Dan: im just glad to leave this fucked-up white house
Chris: dont go work for Fox News they’re all crazier than me
Dan: well that’s really saying something Tweety
Matthews: hah! yur the best
[commercial break]
Chris: we’re going to talk about crazy books like ‘dood theres a liberal under my bed’
Young Weirdo: I’m looking to reach out young children
Chris: ok u could not be more creepy if u confessed to killing jon benet
Weird Guy: its a cartoon against liberals and hillary and in favor of teh free market we have to make stuff up but its cool
Liberal weirdo: this isn’t fun but that’s typical for so-called conservative humor
Conservative nutjob: glaciers are not melting its all lies
Chris: should we indoctinate kids in politics or is that too much although in fairness i was conducting mock wankery in my basement when i was 7 years old
Crazy lady: well there u go Chris why not
Chris: dood “liberal under my bed” - whats up
Young Psycho: its all in fun we're just trying put the fear of women into kids
Chris: ever since i read yur book I’ve been looking under my bed for hillary can u imagine how kidz feel - and im normal
Wingnut: well I’m not sure about that
[commercial break]
Guest: Jim Cramer
Matthews: dood who does wall st luv?
Cramer: dood Edwards is teh scary!!!
Chris: hes got $$ in a hedge fund and he know they make too much money -- we dont anyone who knows too much about what we do
Chris: who duz wall street chooz
Cramer: Mitt Romeny is teh best buziness dood in north america
Chris: what about mrs evil
Camer: hillary is ok too but Mitt is teh bomb dood he wuz a venture capitalist he saved duane reed
Chris: how do we fix towns that only have a diner with a dominos
Cramer: look i like pizza too but Mitt is teh man reminds me of Robert Rubin
Chris: bob rubin wuz a good Secretary of Money?
Cramer: he wuz the best since Alexander Hamilton maybe better since he probably wont get killed in a duel
Chris: well not in Weehauken anyway
Chris: can Eliot Spizter really save Troy or Schenectady
Cramer: Schwarzenegger is doing a great job people wanna work callyfonia again
Chris: plus hes got a great body
Cramer: if u say so dood
[commercial break]
Chris: is hillary a woman or is she right
Allen (from CQ): dood its over
Capeheart: dood this is perfectly normal
Chris: lets bash hillary
Capeheart: dood shes fair game
Chris: it must be a great book its a great pic on teh cover
Capreheart: well i haven't read them
Chris: she flunked teh bar exam and didn't tell anyone
Allen: well why would u
Chris: hah! Good answer well I’ve bashed hillary twice in one program my work is done.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Countdown with Keith Olbermann - Tuesday, May 29, 3007
****************************************************************
Countdown with Keith Olbermann - Tuesday, May 29, 2007
****************************************************************
Keith: dood does Cindy sheehan have a good point about America being distracted by American Idol
Gore: well lets just say that Jefferson and Madison would be pretty fucking appalled at what their country has become
Keith: but they were passionate
Gore: true there was no golden age but for gods sake we just built a creation museum next we'll declare viruses and gravity to be tests from god its a total assult on logic and reason
Keith: ok
Gore: My internets is a good thing because it emphasizes the written word and a robust conversation -- in other words thank god for bloggers telling Newt Gingrich and Karl Rove to shove it
Keith: Congressional dems buckled
Gore: look dood bush has the bully pulpit their hands were tied they just didn't have the votes
Keith: should we hold Congressional votes in the middle of reality shows
Gore: i have a whole book of recommnedations like that why not have debates in prime time for those few people who give a shit
Keith: u say bush is teh big liar
Gore: its true cheney gets up and every morning lies like other people breathe they lied to get us into the war which call me crazy is kind of big deal
Keith: no yur not crazy
Gore: the whole national conversation we're having subverts democracy because they lie and frankly the american people need to get off their asses and treat their lying leaders with a little skepticism
Keith: democracy is tough
Gore: the american people are too easily swayed by outrageous bullshit but in their defense they know the GOP are probably going to steal the election anyway
Keith: they just change the channel
Gore: tv ads are so dumb teh people get turned off completely and they dont know who to believe
Keith: not good
Gore: people have to use the internet and other tools to insist our leaders use reason and logic cause frankly too many people are reading about Lindsay Lohan while our Founding fathers are betrayed
Keith: dood r u going to run 4 President
Gore: im not thinking about it running but im not ruling it out either and just to be really coy let me point out that i can wait to enter the race until later if i want to
Keith: please run please
Gore: well this book is an obvious starting point
Keith: so fucking run already dood!!!
Gore: well gosh u know i would love to but i still face the hurdle of maureen dowd and the kool kidz who still are hating on Big Al
Keith: when do u announce
Gore: i dunno but why not september everyone else talks about it
Keith: please run
Gore: if i do maybe i'll announce on yur show
Keith: awesome
Countdown with Keith Olbermann - Tuesday, May 29, 2007
****************************************************************
Keith: dood does Cindy sheehan have a good point about America being distracted by American Idol
Gore: well lets just say that Jefferson and Madison would be pretty fucking appalled at what their country has become
Keith: but they were passionate
Gore: true there was no golden age but for gods sake we just built a creation museum next we'll declare viruses and gravity to be tests from god its a total assult on logic and reason
Keith: ok
Gore: My internets is a good thing because it emphasizes the written word and a robust conversation -- in other words thank god for bloggers telling Newt Gingrich and Karl Rove to shove it
Keith: Congressional dems buckled
Gore: look dood bush has the bully pulpit their hands were tied they just didn't have the votes
Keith: should we hold Congressional votes in the middle of reality shows
Gore: i have a whole book of recommnedations like that why not have debates in prime time for those few people who give a shit
Keith: u say bush is teh big liar
Gore: its true cheney gets up and every morning lies like other people breathe they lied to get us into the war which call me crazy is kind of big deal
Keith: no yur not crazy
Gore: the whole national conversation we're having subverts democracy because they lie and frankly the american people need to get off their asses and treat their lying leaders with a little skepticism
Keith: democracy is tough
Gore: the american people are too easily swayed by outrageous bullshit but in their defense they know the GOP are probably going to steal the election anyway
Keith: they just change the channel
Gore: tv ads are so dumb teh people get turned off completely and they dont know who to believe
Keith: not good
Gore: people have to use the internet and other tools to insist our leaders use reason and logic cause frankly too many people are reading about Lindsay Lohan while our Founding fathers are betrayed
Keith: dood r u going to run 4 President
Gore: im not thinking about it running but im not ruling it out either and just to be really coy let me point out that i can wait to enter the race until later if i want to
Keith: please run please
Gore: well this book is an obvious starting point
Keith: so fucking run already dood!!!
Gore: well gosh u know i would love to but i still face the hurdle of maureen dowd and the kool kidz who still are hating on Big Al
Keith: when do u announce
Gore: i dunno but why not september everyone else talks about it
Keith: please run
Gore: if i do maybe i'll announce on yur show
Keith: awesome
Hardball - Tuesday, May 29, 3007
**************************************************
Hardball - Tuesday, May 29, 3007
**************************************************
Talbot: bugliosi is a slick lawyer who relies on a rock musician that may have worked on Helter Skelter but this is an assasination not the charlie mansion family
Chris: dood Oswald worked at the Depository beofore the parade route was planned who put the preznit in his line of fire
Talbot: dood Lee Harvey slipped in and out of the USSR like fucking James Bond explain that
Chris: did the Irish mafia kill JFK
Talbot: what the fuck r u talking about
Bugolisi: fuck you both now i wanna talk
Chris: ok go ahead dickhead
Vincent: dood all this is all old news teh acoustics are rock solid i got the guy who did the remix on Walk This Way and Freebird
Talbot: thats not bad
Vincent: Was RFK teh big liar when he said there was no consipiracy?
Talbot: dood he wuz carrying around Kennedy's brain around for evidence - it was a strategic lie
Chris: who killed my prez
Vincent: dood it wuz Oswald all alone but what really bugs me is how obsessive people are about this case and im not exaggerating i figured it out while working on it for 20 years
chris: uh huh
Bugliosi: now Talbot is saying bobby covered up the murder of his own brother
Talbot: no he wuz in fear for his life Hoover had it in for him ever since bobby wouldn't lend him Ethel's clothes when she was out of town
Bugliosi: thats crazy they weren't even the same size
Talbot: lots of people believed in the conspiracy dood
Vincent: do u think LBJ was involved
Talbot: no u r saying that not me
Vincent: yur supremely silly look im shouting
Pat Buchanan: i blame the movie for all this
Tweety: Oliver Stone was totally irresponsible how dare someone present a slanted view on tv or the movies
Herbert: let me trot out the tired cliche that people don't want to believe that a great man can be killed by some lone nut
Pat: all politics is tribal - for example all non-americans are bums
Tweety: Lets talk about my boyfriend Rudy -- how can he be so wonderful?
Herbert: can he maintain this psycho killer smile thru the election
Tweety: did u say erection that's why i'm thinking of!!!
Pat: yes you know i think....
Tweety: sorry all this talk about Rudy and erections means i have to cut the show short and go into my dressing rooom
Hardball - Tuesday, May 29, 3007
**************************************************
Talbot: bugliosi is a slick lawyer who relies on a rock musician that may have worked on Helter Skelter but this is an assasination not the charlie mansion family
Chris: dood Oswald worked at the Depository beofore the parade route was planned who put the preznit in his line of fire
Talbot: dood Lee Harvey slipped in and out of the USSR like fucking James Bond explain that
Chris: did the Irish mafia kill JFK
Talbot: what the fuck r u talking about
Bugolisi: fuck you both now i wanna talk
Chris: ok go ahead dickhead
Vincent: dood all this is all old news teh acoustics are rock solid i got the guy who did the remix on Walk This Way and Freebird
Talbot: thats not bad
Vincent: Was RFK teh big liar when he said there was no consipiracy?
Talbot: dood he wuz carrying around Kennedy's brain around for evidence - it was a strategic lie
Chris: who killed my prez
Vincent: dood it wuz Oswald all alone but what really bugs me is how obsessive people are about this case and im not exaggerating i figured it out while working on it for 20 years
chris: uh huh
Bugliosi: now Talbot is saying bobby covered up the murder of his own brother
Talbot: no he wuz in fear for his life Hoover had it in for him ever since bobby wouldn't lend him Ethel's clothes when she was out of town
Bugliosi: thats crazy they weren't even the same size
Talbot: lots of people believed in the conspiracy dood
Vincent: do u think LBJ was involved
Talbot: no u r saying that not me
Vincent: yur supremely silly look im shouting
Pat Buchanan: i blame the movie for all this
Tweety: Oliver Stone was totally irresponsible how dare someone present a slanted view on tv or the movies
Herbert: let me trot out the tired cliche that people don't want to believe that a great man can be killed by some lone nut
Pat: all politics is tribal - for example all non-americans are bums
Tweety: Lets talk about my boyfriend Rudy -- how can he be so wonderful?
Herbert: can he maintain this psycho killer smile thru the election
Tweety: did u say erection that's why i'm thinking of!!!
Pat: yes you know i think....
Tweety: sorry all this talk about Rudy and erections means i have to cut the show short and go into my dressing rooom
The Chris Matthews Show - Sunday, May 27, 2007
****************************************************
The Chris Matthews Show - Sunday, May 27, 2007
****************************************************
Matthews: new books say hillary covered up bill’s affairs
Sully: teh 90s were all about the clintons being unfairly attacked so we should not elect hillary
Fineman: shes a double helix
Borger: people are sick of bill and hillary that’s why she leads in teh polls
Matthews: carl berstein sez she wuz ambitious and hes and honorable man
Hearn: so she’s controlling - like Rudy isnt
Chris: she's not honest about the Clenis
Fineman: she covered up hubby's affairs i cant stand that
Borger: she's the Godfather!
Matthews: She's lucca brazzzi!
Sully: my name is luka and i whore on teh second floor
Matthews: can she win only with she-devils vote
Fineman: yeah she goes for the bread and butter issues and you how women love to hang out in the kitchen
Chris: how does she win
Fineman: she gets all the women to vote absentee in California
Chris: why are all the wimmin absentee
Fineman: they’re all off getting abortions
Borger: they tell poor women obama is a fancy idealist
Matthews: but poor people need to dream while they park my car
Borger: its like that Nike ad - I could be like Hill
Hearn: waitresses don’t vote they’re too busy cleaning up after rich white guys
Sully: this could all change when people find out Obama is married to a chick coal miner
Chris: that hottie from that movie with Charlie Theron wow
Sully: they had a written deal to divide America between them thats creepy I mena how do they think they are the bushes or something
Borger: will the voters compartmentalize - that is do what the beltway press corps want them to do and reject hillary or be all evil and vote for her
Chris: so that’s good can teh GOP still win
Fineman: no dood look at the polls
Chris: no dammitt tell the Republicans win - now tell me!!
Borger: where are the values voter what about Rudy Giulian-
Chris: don’t u dare criticize my man crush Gloria
Hearn: her numbers go up when idiot men like Chris Matthews keep irrationally attacking her
Chris: shes evil and i hate her
Matthews: ok will hillary use female wiles and intimidation of the media to screw America
Fineman: do i have to accept your crazy premise
Sully: it’s all about the insane war i supported for years
Chris: who duz that help
Sully: obama because like me he knows the war is a bad idea
Chris: we cant accept that a loser could kill a great man JFK, Lincoln or Franz Ferdinand
Fineman: its part of democracy i for have never gotten over the assassination of garfield
Chris: they killed that cute cat those motherfuckers
Fineman: no you idiot
Chris: the unwashed masses need to believe it was moriarty, iago or professor plum with the candlestick
Borger: yes i agree the little people who are inferior to you and me can't accept reality that it was a confederacy of dunces who shot oswald
Matthews: the liberals just cant accept that Oswald a liberal and leftists who killed kennedy
Heard: no its that Oswald said he was a pastry and then he wuz shot by Ruby Tuesday who said he wuz set up by some white dood who was then drowned by Prescott Bush
Sully: i don’t really give a shit
Chris: Oswald acted alone and heres the proof he worked at the suppository before the route wuz made up so hah!
Sully: dood it wuz downtown dallas where else wuz he gonna go
Chris: either u believe me or u think the irish mafia killed he Kennedy because he stole their lucky charms
Borger: but we’re so cynical now why people even question the Beltway media
Chris: anyone who sez jfk was killed by more than one person is wrong because kennedy gave a speech saying if we leave saigon falls
Hearn: i thought that movie was way cool when i 13 yrs old
Sully: its just a fucking mystery but it history’s mystery now
Chris: Sully i luv but yur out to lunch
Sully: right back at ya dood
Chris: tell something i dunno
Hearn: Pelosi will go to Greenland to see it before its all gone into the sea
Fineman: Gore and Bloomberg will work together and then apart and then together again when Gore and Bloomie but run for Prez
Chris: whoa dood wait u just said Gore is running for Prez
Fineman: yes i did dood
Borger: many congressman will resign if they cant get free hot tub sex from lobbyists can u blame them
Sully: the preznit and sec of state cant control foreign policy in their own administration so were going to war with iran
Matthews: wow u all think my man-crush Fred Thompson is running that’s so cool - can he beat that weenie Gore
Fineman: he’ll run in September is hillary slips in iowa
Chris: Gore is too fat to win
Fineman: by October he’ll be lean, mean and ready to kick yur ass
The Chris Matthews Show - Sunday, May 27, 2007
****************************************************
Matthews: new books say hillary covered up bill’s affairs
Sully: teh 90s were all about the clintons being unfairly attacked so we should not elect hillary
Fineman: shes a double helix
Borger: people are sick of bill and hillary that’s why she leads in teh polls
Matthews: carl berstein sez she wuz ambitious and hes and honorable man
Hearn: so she’s controlling - like Rudy isnt
Chris: she's not honest about the Clenis
Fineman: she covered up hubby's affairs i cant stand that
Borger: she's the Godfather!
Matthews: She's lucca brazzzi!
Sully: my name is luka and i whore on teh second floor
Matthews: can she win only with she-devils vote
Fineman: yeah she goes for the bread and butter issues and you how women love to hang out in the kitchen
Chris: how does she win
Fineman: she gets all the women to vote absentee in California
Chris: why are all the wimmin absentee
Fineman: they’re all off getting abortions
Borger: they tell poor women obama is a fancy idealist
Matthews: but poor people need to dream while they park my car
Borger: its like that Nike ad - I could be like Hill
Hearn: waitresses don’t vote they’re too busy cleaning up after rich white guys
Sully: this could all change when people find out Obama is married to a chick coal miner
Chris: that hottie from that movie with Charlie Theron wow
Sully: they had a written deal to divide America between them thats creepy I mena how do they think they are the bushes or something
Borger: will the voters compartmentalize - that is do what the beltway press corps want them to do and reject hillary or be all evil and vote for her
Chris: so that’s good can teh GOP still win
Fineman: no dood look at the polls
Chris: no dammitt tell the Republicans win - now tell me!!
Borger: where are the values voter what about Rudy Giulian-
Chris: don’t u dare criticize my man crush Gloria
Hearn: her numbers go up when idiot men like Chris Matthews keep irrationally attacking her
Chris: shes evil and i hate her
Matthews: ok will hillary use female wiles and intimidation of the media to screw America
Fineman: do i have to accept your crazy premise
Sully: it’s all about the insane war i supported for years
Chris: who duz that help
Sully: obama because like me he knows the war is a bad idea
Chris: we cant accept that a loser could kill a great man JFK, Lincoln or Franz Ferdinand
Fineman: its part of democracy i for have never gotten over the assassination of garfield
Chris: they killed that cute cat those motherfuckers
Fineman: no you idiot
Chris: the unwashed masses need to believe it was moriarty, iago or professor plum with the candlestick
Borger: yes i agree the little people who are inferior to you and me can't accept reality that it was a confederacy of dunces who shot oswald
Matthews: the liberals just cant accept that Oswald a liberal and leftists who killed kennedy
Heard: no its that Oswald said he was a pastry and then he wuz shot by Ruby Tuesday who said he wuz set up by some white dood who was then drowned by Prescott Bush
Sully: i don’t really give a shit
Chris: Oswald acted alone and heres the proof he worked at the suppository before the route wuz made up so hah!
Sully: dood it wuz downtown dallas where else wuz he gonna go
Chris: either u believe me or u think the irish mafia killed he Kennedy because he stole their lucky charms
Borger: but we’re so cynical now why people even question the Beltway media
Chris: anyone who sez jfk was killed by more than one person is wrong because kennedy gave a speech saying if we leave saigon falls
Hearn: i thought that movie was way cool when i 13 yrs old
Sully: its just a fucking mystery but it history’s mystery now
Chris: Sully i luv but yur out to lunch
Sully: right back at ya dood
Chris: tell something i dunno
Hearn: Pelosi will go to Greenland to see it before its all gone into the sea
Fineman: Gore and Bloomberg will work together and then apart and then together again when Gore and Bloomie but run for Prez
Chris: whoa dood wait u just said Gore is running for Prez
Fineman: yes i did dood
Borger: many congressman will resign if they cant get free hot tub sex from lobbyists can u blame them
Sully: the preznit and sec of state cant control foreign policy in their own administration so were going to war with iran
Matthews: wow u all think my man-crush Fred Thompson is running that’s so cool - can he beat that weenie Gore
Fineman: he’ll run in September is hillary slips in iowa
Chris: Gore is too fat to win
Fineman: by October he’ll be lean, mean and ready to kick yur ass
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Hardball - Friday, May 26
Hardball - Friday, May 26
**********************************************************
Matthews: i like to talk about hillary and sex
Baker: hillary likes to talk about iraq and health care and that's so phony because these books are about her husbands penis
Matthews: but Gerth works for teh New York Times so hes totally credible
Red Cheeks: this is a legitimate topic for discussion Clinton's penis and her vagina are crucial to our democracy
Matthews: hillary is such a bitch she cost 50 million americans health care
Baker: dood that is so true
Red cheeks: shes a controlling harridan
Matthews: it was her fault one her aides was robbed at an ATM
Cheeky: they didn't like ken starr you what that means they hate america
Matthews: hillary was in a three way with women at the Rose law firm
Baker: yeah thank god we can hang a legal hook on their sex life so we can talk about it
Matthews: should i buy this book is there a lot of sex in it
Baker: its fair and balanced a ripping good read
Red/shirt/red tie/red cheeks: if she would lie about her husbands penis what else would she lie about???!!!
Matthews: she covered up his affairs - did she have anyone killed?
Baker: probably - thats what makes this story so endlessly fascinating u can make anything up and talk about it
Chris: and we're back with Howard Wolfson i hope he knows alot about hillary and sex cause that's i talk about
Matthews: dood these are major publishing houses calling hillary a screeching freak
Howard Wolfson: dood who cares about these this is old news did u know theres a Harry Potter coming out
Matthews: not so fast dood i happen to be an authority on teh clinton's marriage and hillary's evilness especially
Wolfson: dood i noticed
Matthews: i always thought it was pat moynihan who stopped the health care plan now it turns out it was her vagina dentata
Wolfson: i guess republican opposition didn't count
Matthews: sex! penis! erection!
Wolfson: iraq! terror! health care!
Matthews: are people in iowa obsessed with the Clinton's sex life
Wolfson: yur doing yur best dood
Chris: did they procure women for Bill
Wolfson: dood there is a war in Iraq and all u want to talk about is Clinton's penis
Chris: dood don't talk to me i luv the war - i mean i hate it
Wolfson: whatever dood
Chris: why is everyone obsessed with Clinton's sex life then
Wolfson: dood only u - Chris Matthews - are obsessed with their sex
Chris: Mccain sez u r into surrender
Wolfson: dood that senile flak jacket wearing weirdo is welcome to this debate
Chris: let's talk about sex again
Wolfson: i think people would rather talk about the war
Chris: don't tell me about the iraq that i wake up in the morning thinking about iraq
Wolfson: alright let's talk about it
Chris: ok but dood first tell me why do the news media talk about hillary's sex life so much
[commercial break]
Matthews: and we're back to talk some more about the Clinton sex life
Melanie Morgan: the whole country will explode when this news comes out this is the great story of our time
Matthews: whats with yur face have u had a lot of plastic surgery
Melanie: dood lay off
Pariser: Iraq bill dammit this is the will of the people
Chris: but bush won't sign that bill
Pariser: dood bush is totally weak hes in nixon territory and i mean Nixon now as in dead
Chris: Melanie the iraq poll sez u suck
Morgan: american people would ideally like to see iraqi government be perfect and victory not surrender!!!
Melanie: basic human decency sez we should stay in iraq and occupy their country and bomb the living shit out of them
Pariser: dood what the fuck is victory now we're just recruiting for al qaeda
Melanie: abraham lincoln
Matthews: shut up
Hanretty: dood this is shocking me Hillary is actually a politician like everyone else!!!!
Green: i don't know how to read but people tell me Girth is an idiot-crazy-Clinton-hating obsessive
Matthews: god u r an asshole aren't u
Green: y do people always say that
Chris: do i talk about it for teh politics or to wallow in semen
Robinson: so she wuz ambitious so what
Chris: hah i luv it i can related i would do anything or anyone just to be on teevee
Morgan: it's sick to want to run f president its extreme narcissism when they look at each other they are basically another Hitler twice over
Chris: i should say now we will talk about nothing but Hillary and The Clenis for the next 2 years
[break]
Chris: Welcome back to the all Penis edition of Hardball Mark Green how big is yours
Green: im not going to answer that
Chris: small huh
Green: shut up
Chris: how did she win in NY
Green: not everyone likes Hillary personally but politically they luv her im so jealous i ran for office in NY and the more people met me teh more they hated me
Melanie: no none of that is true she never was elected to the Senate the real question is will Bill Clinton have sex in teh White House and why wont he call me
Green: why are u so bitter did u flash yur thong he likes that
Melanie: yeah he still said no thanks
Green: Teh Clintons were good presidents
Melanie: 9/11 wuz Clinton's fault
Chris: jeebus you are a loon aren't you
Chris: duz Scooter Libbry deserve 3 years in prison
Morgan: oh so sad he wuz railroaded
Chris: u disagree with the jury that he lied on the stand
Morgan: yes i disagree with the jury she wasn't covert!
Chris: are u retarded or what
Morgan: Grrrrr!!!!!!!
Chris: oh yur crazy should they pardon the Scooter?
Morgan: no because it might hurt jesus
Chris: how so
Morgan: Bush is teh reincarnation of the Lord Jeebus Christ
Chris: oh well have a good memorial day weekend everyone
**********************************************************
Matthews: i like to talk about hillary and sex
Baker: hillary likes to talk about iraq and health care and that's so phony because these books are about her husbands penis
Matthews: but Gerth works for teh New York Times so hes totally credible
Red Cheeks: this is a legitimate topic for discussion Clinton's penis and her vagina are crucial to our democracy
Matthews: hillary is such a bitch she cost 50 million americans health care
Baker: dood that is so true
Red cheeks: shes a controlling harridan
Matthews: it was her fault one her aides was robbed at an ATM
Cheeky: they didn't like ken starr you what that means they hate america
Matthews: hillary was in a three way with women at the Rose law firm
Baker: yeah thank god we can hang a legal hook on their sex life so we can talk about it
Matthews: should i buy this book is there a lot of sex in it
Baker: its fair and balanced a ripping good read
Red/shirt/red tie/red cheeks: if she would lie about her husbands penis what else would she lie about???!!!
Matthews: she covered up his affairs - did she have anyone killed?
Baker: probably - thats what makes this story so endlessly fascinating u can make anything up and talk about it
Chris: and we're back with Howard Wolfson i hope he knows alot about hillary and sex cause that's i talk about
Matthews: dood these are major publishing houses calling hillary a screeching freak
Howard Wolfson: dood who cares about these this is old news did u know theres a Harry Potter coming out
Matthews: not so fast dood i happen to be an authority on teh clinton's marriage and hillary's evilness especially
Wolfson: dood i noticed
Matthews: i always thought it was pat moynihan who stopped the health care plan now it turns out it was her vagina dentata
Wolfson: i guess republican opposition didn't count
Matthews: sex! penis! erection!
Wolfson: iraq! terror! health care!
Matthews: are people in iowa obsessed with the Clinton's sex life
Wolfson: yur doing yur best dood
Chris: did they procure women for Bill
Wolfson: dood there is a war in Iraq and all u want to talk about is Clinton's penis
Chris: dood don't talk to me i luv the war - i mean i hate it
Wolfson: whatever dood
Chris: why is everyone obsessed with Clinton's sex life then
Wolfson: dood only u - Chris Matthews - are obsessed with their sex
Chris: Mccain sez u r into surrender
Wolfson: dood that senile flak jacket wearing weirdo is welcome to this debate
Chris: let's talk about sex again
Wolfson: i think people would rather talk about the war
Chris: don't tell me about the iraq that i wake up in the morning thinking about iraq
Wolfson: alright let's talk about it
Chris: ok but dood first tell me why do the news media talk about hillary's sex life so much
[commercial break]
Matthews: and we're back to talk some more about the Clinton sex life
Melanie Morgan: the whole country will explode when this news comes out this is the great story of our time
Matthews: whats with yur face have u had a lot of plastic surgery
Melanie: dood lay off
Pariser: Iraq bill dammit this is the will of the people
Chris: but bush won't sign that bill
Pariser: dood bush is totally weak hes in nixon territory and i mean Nixon now as in dead
Chris: Melanie the iraq poll sez u suck
Morgan: american people would ideally like to see iraqi government be perfect and victory not surrender!!!
Melanie: basic human decency sez we should stay in iraq and occupy their country and bomb the living shit out of them
Pariser: dood what the fuck is victory now we're just recruiting for al qaeda
Melanie: abraham lincoln
Matthews: shut up
Hanretty: dood this is shocking me Hillary is actually a politician like everyone else!!!!
Green: i don't know how to read but people tell me Girth is an idiot-crazy-Clinton-hating obsessive
Matthews: god u r an asshole aren't u
Green: y do people always say that
Chris: do i talk about it for teh politics or to wallow in semen
Robinson: so she wuz ambitious so what
Chris: hah i luv it i can related i would do anything or anyone just to be on teevee
Morgan: it's sick to want to run f president its extreme narcissism when they look at each other they are basically another Hitler twice over
Chris: i should say now we will talk about nothing but Hillary and The Clenis for the next 2 years
[break]
Chris: Welcome back to the all Penis edition of Hardball Mark Green how big is yours
Green: im not going to answer that
Chris: small huh
Green: shut up
Chris: how did she win in NY
Green: not everyone likes Hillary personally but politically they luv her im so jealous i ran for office in NY and the more people met me teh more they hated me
Melanie: no none of that is true she never was elected to the Senate the real question is will Bill Clinton have sex in teh White House and why wont he call me
Green: why are u so bitter did u flash yur thong he likes that
Melanie: yeah he still said no thanks
Green: Teh Clintons were good presidents
Melanie: 9/11 wuz Clinton's fault
Chris: jeebus you are a loon aren't you
Chris: duz Scooter Libbry deserve 3 years in prison
Morgan: oh so sad he wuz railroaded
Chris: u disagree with the jury that he lied on the stand
Morgan: yes i disagree with the jury she wasn't covert!
Chris: are u retarded or what
Morgan: Grrrrr!!!!!!!
Chris: oh yur crazy should they pardon the Scooter?
Morgan: no because it might hurt jesus
Chris: how so
Morgan: Bush is teh reincarnation of the Lord Jeebus Christ
Chris: oh well have a good memorial day weekend everyone
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Meet The Press, May 20, 2007
**********************************************
Meet The Press, May 20, 2007
**********************************************
Dodd: when u have a military hammer everything looks like a country u can bomb the shit out of
Newtie: look at me im condescending and wrong all the time
Russert: yeah yeah
Newt: are we prepared to accept and legislate defeat look at i know how troops in combat think i played with a lot of toy soliders during vietnam
Russert: well there you go
Newt: we need to bomb Iran, North Korea, Waziristan, Hamas, Russia, Estonia, London and New Jersey
Tim: ok
Newt: the forces of freedom are on retreat!
Tim: scary
Newt: Malestrom of evil!
Tim: Dodd what if we left and Iraq got chaotic
Dodd: um dood iraq is not exactly Nantucket right now -- criminy's there a fucking civil war going on as we speak
Tim: interesting
Dodd: there is no military solution - yeah there could there be problems if we leave but America has been weakened and Chickenhawk Newt isn't helping
Newt: dood i wrote three fucking fictional novels so i know what i'm talking about!!
Tim: that makes him an expert Chris
Newt: we have a higher standard for Iraqi parliament than for Nancy Pelosi who sux here's what we should do -- we should win!!!
Russert: brilliant but how
Newt: easy Iraqi biometric id cards, more young republicans in Iraq, encourage iraqis to try really hard, also blockade the nation of Iran
Russert: well that sounds very simple
Dodd: oh yeah thats just great but the iraqis don't even want to fight this war for god's sake
Newt: iraq is not the heart of the war of terror - we need to fight the shia and sunni both want to destroy freedom as we know it - we can win this war like we did in WWII if really really wanted to
Russert: USA! USA!
Newt: we could lose an American city
Russert: can you imagine if we lost a city to bombing or flooding
Newt: we should never talk to iran or syria
Dodd: Reagan talked to the soviets
Newt: all right fine lets to talk to them but Reagan had a grand strategery involving the pope to take down the USSR
Russert: so impressive
Newt: this is just like America in 1776 would the French have given up on us if the colonies were in total chaos and thousands were being killed in random attacks and if French troops came to help us and several of them were killed every single day in attacks by colonials and Americans would never fight would the French have pulled out??
Dood: dood um for sure
Russert: firm date?
Newt: that would send sublimal messages to our troops to try to avoid getting killed and we can't have that
Russert: good point
Newt: look at Fort Dix terrorists will come here just as soon as their Frequent Terror Miles kick in
Dodd: i feel like I'm debating a total nutcase
Tim: thank you for yur civility - so Newtie r u running?
Newt: i have silver hair
Dood: dood my eyebrowz rule over u
[ commercial break ]
Brinkley: Reagan diaries are an invaluable resource for scientists studying an example of long mental decline
Russert: dood was too dependent on Nancy
Brinkley: yeah its cute
Deaver: she made him what he was - she was teh best supporting actress
Meese: she was his helpmate like eve with adam
Timmeh: awwwwwwwwww
Meese: she also ended drug use in America by appearing "Diff'rent Strokes"
Tim: he hated his grown kidz he had screaming fights with all three just because the Secret Service broke into their house
Russert: Reagan said getting shot hurts - owed his life to God
Deaver: unlike Reagan i didn't forget to duck
Meese: he said who's minding the store and we said don't worry Al Haig is in charge
Brinkley: he almost died and we could have had a Bush as President
Russert: can u imagine
Brinkley: he forgave Hinkley - when he found he he had a mental illness he emphathized
Russert: wuz he a tree worhsipper
Deaver: he worshipped redwoods and nancy worshipped him
Brinkley: he reviewed his debate dallies with Jack Warner
Meese: Reagan had a photographic memory for bullshit
Russert: Bitburg
Deaver: yeah that was my fault - he wanted to visit the set of Hogan's Heroes and that was the best i could do
Russert: he hated the press
Deaver: when Donaldson was around he liked to pretend he wuz deaf
Russert: Iran contra -- Reagan found out the law was broken was going to fire someone and changed his mind
Meese: Ollie North did all this without any of us knowing but trust me Reagan was completely ignorant
Russert: by 1987 was he senile?
Deaver: well really it was hard to tell
[ shows film of Reagan acknowledging scandal ]
Russert: classic Reagan - could never tell between fantasy and reality
********************************************************
Meet The Press, May 20, 2007
**********************************************
Dodd: when u have a military hammer everything looks like a country u can bomb the shit out of
Newtie: look at me im condescending and wrong all the time
Russert: yeah yeah
Newt: are we prepared to accept and legislate defeat look at i know how troops in combat think i played with a lot of toy soliders during vietnam
Russert: well there you go
Newt: we need to bomb Iran, North Korea, Waziristan, Hamas, Russia, Estonia, London and New Jersey
Tim: ok
Newt: the forces of freedom are on retreat!
Tim: scary
Newt: Malestrom of evil!
Tim: Dodd what if we left and Iraq got chaotic
Dodd: um dood iraq is not exactly Nantucket right now -- criminy's there a fucking civil war going on as we speak
Tim: interesting
Dodd: there is no military solution - yeah there could there be problems if we leave but America has been weakened and Chickenhawk Newt isn't helping
Newt: dood i wrote three fucking fictional novels so i know what i'm talking about!!
Tim: that makes him an expert Chris
Newt: we have a higher standard for Iraqi parliament than for Nancy Pelosi who sux here's what we should do -- we should win!!!
Russert: brilliant but how
Newt: easy Iraqi biometric id cards, more young republicans in Iraq, encourage iraqis to try really hard, also blockade the nation of Iran
Russert: well that sounds very simple
Dodd: oh yeah thats just great but the iraqis don't even want to fight this war for god's sake
Newt: iraq is not the heart of the war of terror - we need to fight the shia and sunni both want to destroy freedom as we know it - we can win this war like we did in WWII if really really wanted to
Russert: USA! USA!
Newt: we could lose an American city
Russert: can you imagine if we lost a city to bombing or flooding
Newt: we should never talk to iran or syria
Dodd: Reagan talked to the soviets
Newt: all right fine lets to talk to them but Reagan had a grand strategery involving the pope to take down the USSR
Russert: so impressive
Newt: this is just like America in 1776 would the French have given up on us if the colonies were in total chaos and thousands were being killed in random attacks and if French troops came to help us and several of them were killed every single day in attacks by colonials and Americans would never fight would the French have pulled out??
Dood: dood um for sure
Russert: firm date?
Newt: that would send sublimal messages to our troops to try to avoid getting killed and we can't have that
Russert: good point
Newt: look at Fort Dix terrorists will come here just as soon as their Frequent Terror Miles kick in
Dodd: i feel like I'm debating a total nutcase
Tim: thank you for yur civility - so Newtie r u running?
Newt: i have silver hair
Dood: dood my eyebrowz rule over u
[ commercial break ]
Brinkley: Reagan diaries are an invaluable resource for scientists studying an example of long mental decline
Russert: dood was too dependent on Nancy
Brinkley: yeah its cute
Deaver: she made him what he was - she was teh best supporting actress
Meese: she was his helpmate like eve with adam
Timmeh: awwwwwwwwww
Meese: she also ended drug use in America by appearing "Diff'rent Strokes"
Tim: he hated his grown kidz he had screaming fights with all three just because the Secret Service broke into their house
Russert: Reagan said getting shot hurts - owed his life to God
Deaver: unlike Reagan i didn't forget to duck
Meese: he said who's minding the store and we said don't worry Al Haig is in charge
Brinkley: he almost died and we could have had a Bush as President
Russert: can u imagine
Brinkley: he forgave Hinkley - when he found he he had a mental illness he emphathized
Russert: wuz he a tree worhsipper
Deaver: he worshipped redwoods and nancy worshipped him
Brinkley: he reviewed his debate dallies with Jack Warner
Meese: Reagan had a photographic memory for bullshit
Russert: Bitburg
Deaver: yeah that was my fault - he wanted to visit the set of Hogan's Heroes and that was the best i could do
Russert: he hated the press
Deaver: when Donaldson was around he liked to pretend he wuz deaf
Russert: Iran contra -- Reagan found out the law was broken was going to fire someone and changed his mind
Meese: Ollie North did all this without any of us knowing but trust me Reagan was completely ignorant
Russert: by 1987 was he senile?
Deaver: well really it was hard to tell
[ shows film of Reagan acknowledging scandal ]
Russert: classic Reagan - could never tell between fantasy and reality
********************************************************
The Chris Matthews Show, May 20, 2007
***********************************************************
The Chris Matthews Show, May 20, 2007
***********************************************************
Bob Woodward: My buddy Bush needs to ask what is the moral basis for the occupation of Iraq
Chris Matthews: um yeah what is it again
Woodward: he sez Iraq could get violent
David Brooks: I looked in teh eyes of iraqis they will die if we leave
Matthews: surge yes or no
Brooks: We’re on the 5th reel of this movie but iraqis are still sitting thru the previews
Mitchell: Maliki is teh looser - we withdraw in September
Kay: what happens when we leave - al qaeda could move in
Matthews: damm - so will there be a civil war?
Andrea Mitchell: Saudis say we will fight for Sunni minority, plus Iran sez dood be careful we will fight for Shia too
Brooks: im an expert on teh mentality of the bobos in Iraq - they're very primal they're into killing
Matthews: should we stay for 10 years
Kay: dood i wouldn't build a summer home their now
Woodward: it's very violent in Iraq it's almost as bad as Philly
Matthews: hey
Woodward: sorry dood
Chris: regional war?
Brooks: look i know the Saudis really well - did you know that there are only three real countries in the Middle East
Kay: quel idiot
Andrea: look i luv the iraq war and now its a terror base but people there do seem to hate us
Woodward: Saudis fear a war with Iran
Andrea: War Czar may rethink our strategery there
Brooks: i hope they will look into the abyss and freak out and its worth losing a solider a day until xmas to find out
Matthews: catalyst?
Woodward: something bad happening
Matthews: whoa sophisticated analysis
Mattthews: ok we’re back and here i mock Hillary with my lame musical jokes
Panel: heh
Matthews: hillary scares me she waves her hands like eva peron
Chris: i luv bill clinton
Brooks: maneater - evita - jesus christ superstar yeah that makes no sense at all
Chris: yur like teh Phantom of the Op-ed
Matthews: and we’re back let’s talk Third Parties i luv ross perot he’s the reason Clinton won
Chuck Hegel: i would really luv access to Bloomberg's money
Kay: the pundits luv a third party
Brooks: money's not enough they have no issues
Chris: but he’s so cuddly and competent
Brooks: dood that should a minimum requirement not a campaign slogan
Mitchell: this Bloomberg-Hagel thing is for real
Woodward: if only we had some egomanical billionaires in America
Kay: Wolfie was outed because Bush shoved him in pissing everyone off
Woodward: secret memos show iraq was an is a failed state
Brooks: al qaeda moving into Palestine i saw their U-Hauls with a logo of Osama on the side this weekend.
The Chris Matthews Show, May 20, 2007
***********************************************************
Bob Woodward: My buddy Bush needs to ask what is the moral basis for the occupation of Iraq
Chris Matthews: um yeah what is it again
Woodward: he sez Iraq could get violent
David Brooks: I looked in teh eyes of iraqis they will die if we leave
Matthews: surge yes or no
Brooks: We’re on the 5th reel of this movie but iraqis are still sitting thru the previews
Mitchell: Maliki is teh looser - we withdraw in September
Kay: what happens when we leave - al qaeda could move in
Matthews: damm - so will there be a civil war?
Andrea Mitchell: Saudis say we will fight for Sunni minority, plus Iran sez dood be careful we will fight for Shia too
Brooks: im an expert on teh mentality of the bobos in Iraq - they're very primal they're into killing
Matthews: should we stay for 10 years
Kay: dood i wouldn't build a summer home their now
Woodward: it's very violent in Iraq it's almost as bad as Philly
Matthews: hey
Woodward: sorry dood
Chris: regional war?
Brooks: look i know the Saudis really well - did you know that there are only three real countries in the Middle East
Kay: quel idiot
Andrea: look i luv the iraq war and now its a terror base but people there do seem to hate us
Woodward: Saudis fear a war with Iran
Andrea: War Czar may rethink our strategery there
Brooks: i hope they will look into the abyss and freak out and its worth losing a solider a day until xmas to find out
Matthews: catalyst?
Woodward: something bad happening
Matthews: whoa sophisticated analysis
Mattthews: ok we’re back and here i mock Hillary with my lame musical jokes
Panel: heh
Matthews: hillary scares me she waves her hands like eva peron
Chris: i luv bill clinton
Brooks: maneater - evita - jesus christ superstar yeah that makes no sense at all
Chris: yur like teh Phantom of the Op-ed
Matthews: and we’re back let’s talk Third Parties i luv ross perot he’s the reason Clinton won
Chuck Hegel: i would really luv access to Bloomberg's money
Kay: the pundits luv a third party
Brooks: money's not enough they have no issues
Chris: but he’s so cuddly and competent
Brooks: dood that should a minimum requirement not a campaign slogan
Mitchell: this Bloomberg-Hagel thing is for real
Woodward: if only we had some egomanical billionaires in America
Kay: Wolfie was outed because Bush shoved him in pissing everyone off
Woodward: secret memos show iraq was an is a failed state
Brooks: al qaeda moving into Palestine i saw their U-Hauls with a logo of Osama on the side this weekend.
McLaughlin Group, May 20, 2007
*******************************************************
McLaughlin Group, May 20, 2007
*********************************************************
McLaughlin: Immigration bill yes or no
Buchanan: its a secret beltway deal for amnesty 20 million illegals its an attack on the Republican base and Ronald Reagan and it could cost Bush the next election
John: wow tough talk
Buchanan: it will destroy the GOP and America!
Clift: its pretty tough on illegal immigrants actually but it may not pass
Blankely: i agree with Pat - but it could pass and Bush will sign it - if he does it will be a civil war in the GOP and he will be remembered as another Hoover
Zuckerman: i'm a businessman and i luv this bill
McLaughlin: you can bring in more indian computer geeks
Zuckerman: there’s a shortage in america of smart people and unskilled workers too
John: do we have an excess of anything?
Zuckerman: blowhard pundits
Clift: how do all these people go home and then come back
Blankely: right
Buchanan: im a friend to african americans and single moms Zuckman dood you are killing America!!!
Zucker: no we have low unemployment
Buchanan: so by bringing in more unskilled workers u take jobs away
Zuckerman: worker shortage!
Clift: not all illegal immigrants are unskilled
Buchanan: this law will destroy America
Clift: immigrants help America
Blankley: i hate it when we encourage people come to America
McL: yur an immigrant
Blankley: thats true
Zuckerman: Report on Olmert devastating
McLaughlin: wow
Zucker: Israelis must respond to attacks by Hamas
McL: peace process?
Zucker: there isn’t one
Clift: Israelis don’t want to get sucked into war in Gaza
Buchanan: Bush gave up all our leverage and has done nothing for seven years!
Blankley: come see the violence inherent in the system
Buchanan: we drove them to that violence
Clift: isolation sux
Zuckerman: they reject modernity
Clift: they’re not billionaires like you Mort - they were born in refugee camps which affects yur view of how wonderful modernity is.
McL: Is Sarkozy a star????
Buchanan: Yes he’s is a star
Clift: sure why not
Zuckerman: he luvs america
McLaughlin: the answer is Yes!
McLaughlin Group, May 20, 2007
*********************************************************
McLaughlin: Immigration bill yes or no
Buchanan: its a secret beltway deal for amnesty 20 million illegals its an attack on the Republican base and Ronald Reagan and it could cost Bush the next election
John: wow tough talk
Buchanan: it will destroy the GOP and America!
Clift: its pretty tough on illegal immigrants actually but it may not pass
Blankely: i agree with Pat - but it could pass and Bush will sign it - if he does it will be a civil war in the GOP and he will be remembered as another Hoover
Zuckerman: i'm a businessman and i luv this bill
McLaughlin: you can bring in more indian computer geeks
Zuckerman: there’s a shortage in america of smart people and unskilled workers too
John: do we have an excess of anything?
Zuckerman: blowhard pundits
Clift: how do all these people go home and then come back
Blankely: right
Buchanan: im a friend to african americans and single moms Zuckman dood you are killing America!!!
Zucker: no we have low unemployment
Buchanan: so by bringing in more unskilled workers u take jobs away
Zuckerman: worker shortage!
Clift: not all illegal immigrants are unskilled
Buchanan: this law will destroy America
Clift: immigrants help America
Blankley: i hate it when we encourage people come to America
McL: yur an immigrant
Blankley: thats true
Zuckerman: Report on Olmert devastating
McLaughlin: wow
Zucker: Israelis must respond to attacks by Hamas
McL: peace process?
Zucker: there isn’t one
Clift: Israelis don’t want to get sucked into war in Gaza
Buchanan: Bush gave up all our leverage and has done nothing for seven years!
Blankley: come see the violence inherent in the system
Buchanan: we drove them to that violence
Clift: isolation sux
Zuckerman: they reject modernity
Clift: they’re not billionaires like you Mort - they were born in refugee camps which affects yur view of how wonderful modernity is.
McL: Is Sarkozy a star????
Buchanan: Yes he’s is a star
Clift: sure why not
Zuckerman: he luvs america
McLaughlin: the answer is Yes!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Hardball - Thursday, May 17
Hardball - Thursday, May 17 (Last Ten Minutes)
****************************************************************************
Tweety: yur from chicago like teh deep dish
Chicago Reporter: thanx
Tweety: immigration bill is teh fake
Chicago Reporter: its teh song and dance
Tweety: all that jazz
Chicago: yeah
Tweety: im cynical but tomorrow there will still be illegals
Chic: well give it a day
Tweety: will Congress really make it illegal to hire someone legally
Chic: maybe
Tweety: teh angloes luv the fence
Tweety: WSJ supports Abu Wall Street Journal is Shakespearean they also can't get blood off their hands
Ron Reagan: this scandal leads to the White House question is now who was beating up on Ashcroft in the hospital
O'Beirne: im in teh beltway i say this is boooring
Tweety: Ashcroft was in a coma like Michael Douglas in that Crichton movie
O'Beirne: but he followed the balloon with his eyes and he said go ahead and wiretap
Tweety: its like Barzzini in teh Godfather he sleeps with teh fishes
O'Beirne: his sex life is irrelevant dood
Reagan: it was totally illegal
O'Beire: no its legal now
Reagan: how about B4
O'Berine: i dunno
Reagan: well maybe we should r u a citizen or sheeperson
Tweety: wow David Mamet couldn't write this
Reagan: coffee is closers dood now take yur meds tweety
Rosie O'Donnell: invading iraq it like teh terrorism
O'Beirne: poor elizabeth she ain't not Hasselbeck girl she has to sleep with teh looser
Reagan: most americans would not accept $2,000 if their child was killed by an arab soldier in their hometown call me crazy
O'Beirne: the troops! the troops!
Tweety: u go gurl
O'Beirne: im bending over backwards to justify killing civilians
Reagan: Rosie isnt a good poster gurl
Tweety: im a nationalist but there r many people who hate america in know because they disagree with me
O'Beirne: rosie is fat
Tweety: there r gud critics like me who luv America and there are dirty hippie bloggers like that dood who duz teh Bobblespeak Translations who hate america and we must always remember the difference
****************************************************************************
Tweety: yur from chicago like teh deep dish
Chicago Reporter: thanx
Tweety: immigration bill is teh fake
Chicago Reporter: its teh song and dance
Tweety: all that jazz
Chicago: yeah
Tweety: im cynical but tomorrow there will still be illegals
Chic: well give it a day
Tweety: will Congress really make it illegal to hire someone legally
Chic: maybe
Tweety: teh angloes luv the fence
Tweety: WSJ supports Abu Wall Street Journal is Shakespearean they also can't get blood off their hands
Ron Reagan: this scandal leads to the White House question is now who was beating up on Ashcroft in the hospital
O'Beirne: im in teh beltway i say this is boooring
Tweety: Ashcroft was in a coma like Michael Douglas in that Crichton movie
O'Beirne: but he followed the balloon with his eyes and he said go ahead and wiretap
Tweety: its like Barzzini in teh Godfather he sleeps with teh fishes
O'Beirne: his sex life is irrelevant dood
Reagan: it was totally illegal
O'Beire: no its legal now
Reagan: how about B4
O'Berine: i dunno
Reagan: well maybe we should r u a citizen or sheeperson
Tweety: wow David Mamet couldn't write this
Reagan: coffee is closers dood now take yur meds tweety
Rosie O'Donnell: invading iraq it like teh terrorism
O'Beirne: poor elizabeth she ain't not Hasselbeck girl she has to sleep with teh looser
Reagan: most americans would not accept $2,000 if their child was killed by an arab soldier in their hometown call me crazy
O'Beirne: the troops! the troops!
Tweety: u go gurl
O'Beirne: im bending over backwards to justify killing civilians
Reagan: Rosie isnt a good poster gurl
Tweety: im a nationalist but there r many people who hate america in know because they disagree with me
O'Beirne: rosie is fat
Tweety: there r gud critics like me who luv America and there are dirty hippie bloggers like that dood who duz teh Bobblespeak Translations who hate america and we must always remember the difference
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Republican Debate in South Carolina - May 14, 2007
Republican Debate in South Carolina - May 14, 2007
******************************************************************************************
Our contestants tonight include a methodist, a couple of baptists, a catholic who's been married three times, a kansan with 5 children, and a mormon whose hobbies include scientology, magic underwear and sculpting his hair.
Let's get to it!
Brit Hume: Iraq
McCain: read Osama bin Laden's new book - seriously, it's good it lays out of lot of good ideas on how take over iraq
Thompson (Tommy, not Fred): dood i studied for this debate look i even memorized how many soliders have been killed
Hume: yeah but that over an hour ago
Thompson: damm
Mitt: i'm here tonight to project success not failure look dood all teh muslims are all united the sunni and shiia and buddhist want to bring down the united states government
Chris Wallace: wow
Brownback: we're losing because of liberal bloggers aren't behind teh war - dood harry reid has stabbed us all in the back
Wallace: solution
Brownback: teh Articles of Confederation were great we should try it in iraq
Wallace: how evil are democrats
Guiliani: they're the worst evilness in teh history of warfare
Wallace: will tehy follow us here
Rudy: dood thank god in Fort Dix teh FBI caught that guy they sent to those doods to offer to sell them machine guns
Tancredo: dood should we have constabulary force
Wallace: no because this isn't 18th century london dood
Tancredo: as president i will make no decisions but i will cheer teh troops as they are killed
Ron Paul: dood i tried to offer a declaration of war in 2002 and guess what the hawks said no
Wallace: Reagan was the best
Paul: Reagan turned and ran cause he found out the Middle East was not in the hollywood hills
Duncan Hunter: one of us will be commander in chief in a few months
Wallace: dood do u know something we dont
Huckabee: i dont know much about foreign policy but i will get good advice like from jesus
Lorelei Gilmore: we have no choice now but offer very strong empty platitudes on Iran - next thing you know Egypt will get the bomb and then maybe Israel
Moderator: dood yur "flip flop mitt"
Romney: read my hair no new taxes
Mod: i like it
Romney: im going to cut unnecessary waste and spending
Mod: wow never head that before
McCain: if we dont keep teh tax cuts all the little farmers will have to recalculate and they're not too smart
Mod: dont repeate the drunker sailor story dood
McCain: oh yes i will u cant stop me
Mod: dood way to prove yur not senile
Huckabee: Americans are not smart enough to know the taxes they're paying we spend like John Edwards at a beauty shop
[huge crowd reaction]
Rudy: dood i tamed teh evil liberal black hispanic gay nyc and i can do it DC - also i would fire 50% of all federal workers u can get yur mail once a week
Brownback: dood i drive a hybrid can u imagine a Republican saying that proudly a few years ago let me thrown in a stoopid joke about my teenage daughter
Mod: dood thats cold
Thompson: im the veto king
Mod: name three federal things yu would cut
Thompson: i cant
Paul: look at what we can cut FEMA for example
Mod: Yikes
Paul: dood we're borrowing from the Chinese
Mod: dood did u just say u would eliminate Homeland Security in a time of war?!
Paul: yeah why not
Hunter: its sad we dont even make bombs anymore
Tancredo: i can't believe what im hearing all these doods are guilty of all the big spending the federal government should do nothing but defense of teh country
Hume: thanx time for a commerical break - and mr Tancredo its time for yur medication
Wallace: john edwards is teh looser
Gilmore: Mitt and Rudy are big phonies
Wallace: dood you supported gays, gun control, and Maaaarioooo Cuooomooo
Rudy: look i may be really weird but Hillary is going to boil xian babies in the white house
Wallace: answer my question r u teh phony
Rudy: George Will likes me
Wallace: ted kennedy is yur BFF
McCain: dood he has an awesome yacht and teh best liquor cabinet ive ever seen
Wallace: ok
McCain: look i wouldn't trust Lorelei over there to feed my cat much less take down Osama
Huckabee: yeah i raised taxes but dood the Supreme Court told me to
Wallace: what a wimp
Mitt: sure i acted liberal but trust me deep down im a trogdolyte Massachusetts is so blue its black
Wallace: okaaay
Brownback: teh problem with illegal immigration is that people come in teh country illegally
[ding ding]
Thompson: we invented frozen embryos in teh vast frozen tundra of Wisconsin
Rudy: there are millions of americans who make teh choice of abortion and u have to respect that in a democracy
Huckabee: the fact that when a sperm and egg meet they create a person in the central fact of being an american and that's why were go looking for boy souts and put miners in defective mines which al qaeda would never do
Brownback: let me point to my fictional uterus to argue that embryos are beautiful children of a loving god wow im tearing up
Romney: ive always loved the little fetuses but was pro-choice but then the gays and liberals in massachusetts started proposing rack upon rack of human farms i changed my mind
Mod: wow dood are u sure that wasn't an L Ron Hubbard book
McCain: we're really close to an immigration bill heck im from Arizona its illegals central
Mitt: the beauty of my plan is that it makes no sense at all
Wallace: i dont follow
Mitt: no one can criticize it its faaaabulous
McCain: dood yur a flip-flopper
Mitt: poopyhead
Rudy: im not soft on anything im running as a fascist
Mod: what's the answer
Rudy: a big fence and make every immigrant deal with the DMV
Hunter: we should build a big fence and then another bigger one behind that one
[ applause ]
Ron Paul: i come from the strong line of isolationists in teh republican party
Mod: but 9/11 9/11 9/11
Paul: dood why do u think 9/11 happened because we're always up in their business and their face
Rudy: hes saying that america invited the 9/11 attacks and that's terrible now u take that back
[thunderous applause]
Paul: dood we overthrew teh Shah they dont hate us for our freedom they wanted us to go to iraq so they could kill americans and guess what we did and they are
Rudy: may i go over there and punch him
Mod: no
Rudy: fuck
Mod: confederate flag
[audience boos ]
McCain: fuck you
Tancredo: for every scientist who sez global warming theres one who sez there isn't - oh and i just wanted to say to ron paul that its part of the islamic religion to attack america
Hume: when we come back we play "24"
Brit Hume: wow ok here's a really really detailed fictional disaster scenario but the real question is would u torture a prisoner
McCain: yes i would but we should never do it because we do not torture - u know i was tortured its about america - read teh army field manual its all in there
Hume: dood if you don't say u favor torture i will toss you off this stage right now
[throws pen down angily]
Guiliani: i would tell teh interrrogators to let their imaginations go wild
[ wild applause ]
Romney: i would deny them lawyers in fact i would double the size of Gitmo its faaaaaaabulous
Hume: dood tone it down
Hume: imagine a nightmare scenario in teh Dark Continent
Thompon: Colin Powell is black u know and if there is a country anywhere hostile to us if they're brown we should kill them!
Brownback: not only would i not go to the U.N. for authorization i would bomb Africa and then i would bomb the U.N.
Hunter: yur all wimps i would start torturing liberals then random people then the detainees in Gitmo
Gilmore: i would go to the U.N but just to tell them to fuck off
McCain: jesus christ yur all wannabe heroes
[applause]
Hume: what if a shopping center was hit
Romney: oh nooooooo!!!!
Hume: will no one here take my hint and declare marital law and outlaw the Democratic party???
Huckabee: lets use the word murder and sacrifice
Paul: if america was attacked again i would cut spending
Hume: ok
Paul: terms like 'enhanced interrogation technique' are Orwellian
Tancredo: okay i am just really freaking out right now listening to this you're all acting like this is fictional - i would tell Jack Bauer to throw the Constitution out the window because we are teh last best hope of western civilization
Hume: no more questions for u
Wallace: ok i am going to give u a really really really easy question do u wish there were more minorities voting Republican?
Gilmore: no fuck 'em if they can't be bothered to join teh GOP
Romney: i luv school testing and kids luv it too - thats civil rights
Hunter: China is buying weapons designed to kill Americans!!!!
Hume: Well thats it i want to thank all the candidates for scaring the shit out of everyone tonight - good night now im going to go hide under my bed
***************************************************************************************
******************************************************************************************
Our contestants tonight include a methodist, a couple of baptists, a catholic who's been married three times, a kansan with 5 children, and a mormon whose hobbies include scientology, magic underwear and sculpting his hair.
Let's get to it!
Brit Hume: Iraq
McCain: read Osama bin Laden's new book - seriously, it's good it lays out of lot of good ideas on how take over iraq
Thompson (Tommy, not Fred): dood i studied for this debate look i even memorized how many soliders have been killed
Hume: yeah but that over an hour ago
Thompson: damm
Mitt: i'm here tonight to project success not failure look dood all teh muslims are all united the sunni and shiia and buddhist want to bring down the united states government
Chris Wallace: wow
Brownback: we're losing because of liberal bloggers aren't behind teh war - dood harry reid has stabbed us all in the back
Wallace: solution
Brownback: teh Articles of Confederation were great we should try it in iraq
Wallace: how evil are democrats
Guiliani: they're the worst evilness in teh history of warfare
Wallace: will tehy follow us here
Rudy: dood thank god in Fort Dix teh FBI caught that guy they sent to those doods to offer to sell them machine guns
Tancredo: dood should we have constabulary force
Wallace: no because this isn't 18th century london dood
Tancredo: as president i will make no decisions but i will cheer teh troops as they are killed
Ron Paul: dood i tried to offer a declaration of war in 2002 and guess what the hawks said no
Wallace: Reagan was the best
Paul: Reagan turned and ran cause he found out the Middle East was not in the hollywood hills
Duncan Hunter: one of us will be commander in chief in a few months
Wallace: dood do u know something we dont
Huckabee: i dont know much about foreign policy but i will get good advice like from jesus
Lorelei Gilmore: we have no choice now but offer very strong empty platitudes on Iran - next thing you know Egypt will get the bomb and then maybe Israel
Moderator: dood yur "flip flop mitt"
Romney: read my hair no new taxes
Mod: i like it
Romney: im going to cut unnecessary waste and spending
Mod: wow never head that before
McCain: if we dont keep teh tax cuts all the little farmers will have to recalculate and they're not too smart
Mod: dont repeate the drunker sailor story dood
McCain: oh yes i will u cant stop me
Mod: dood way to prove yur not senile
Huckabee: Americans are not smart enough to know the taxes they're paying we spend like John Edwards at a beauty shop
[huge crowd reaction]
Rudy: dood i tamed teh evil liberal black hispanic gay nyc and i can do it DC - also i would fire 50% of all federal workers u can get yur mail once a week
Brownback: dood i drive a hybrid can u imagine a Republican saying that proudly a few years ago let me thrown in a stoopid joke about my teenage daughter
Mod: dood thats cold
Thompson: im the veto king
Mod: name three federal things yu would cut
Thompson: i cant
Paul: look at what we can cut FEMA for example
Mod: Yikes
Paul: dood we're borrowing from the Chinese
Mod: dood did u just say u would eliminate Homeland Security in a time of war?!
Paul: yeah why not
Hunter: its sad we dont even make bombs anymore
Tancredo: i can't believe what im hearing all these doods are guilty of all the big spending the federal government should do nothing but defense of teh country
Hume: thanx time for a commerical break - and mr Tancredo its time for yur medication
Wallace: john edwards is teh looser
Gilmore: Mitt and Rudy are big phonies
Wallace: dood you supported gays, gun control, and Maaaarioooo Cuooomooo
Rudy: look i may be really weird but Hillary is going to boil xian babies in the white house
Wallace: answer my question r u teh phony
Rudy: George Will likes me
Wallace: ted kennedy is yur BFF
McCain: dood he has an awesome yacht and teh best liquor cabinet ive ever seen
Wallace: ok
McCain: look i wouldn't trust Lorelei over there to feed my cat much less take down Osama
Huckabee: yeah i raised taxes but dood the Supreme Court told me to
Wallace: what a wimp
Mitt: sure i acted liberal but trust me deep down im a trogdolyte Massachusetts is so blue its black
Wallace: okaaay
Brownback: teh problem with illegal immigration is that people come in teh country illegally
[ding ding]
Thompson: we invented frozen embryos in teh vast frozen tundra of Wisconsin
Rudy: there are millions of americans who make teh choice of abortion and u have to respect that in a democracy
Huckabee: the fact that when a sperm and egg meet they create a person in the central fact of being an american and that's why were go looking for boy souts and put miners in defective mines which al qaeda would never do
Brownback: let me point to my fictional uterus to argue that embryos are beautiful children of a loving god wow im tearing up
Romney: ive always loved the little fetuses but was pro-choice but then the gays and liberals in massachusetts started proposing rack upon rack of human farms i changed my mind
Mod: wow dood are u sure that wasn't an L Ron Hubbard book
McCain: we're really close to an immigration bill heck im from Arizona its illegals central
Mitt: the beauty of my plan is that it makes no sense at all
Wallace: i dont follow
Mitt: no one can criticize it its faaaabulous
McCain: dood yur a flip-flopper
Mitt: poopyhead
Rudy: im not soft on anything im running as a fascist
Mod: what's the answer
Rudy: a big fence and make every immigrant deal with the DMV
Hunter: we should build a big fence and then another bigger one behind that one
[ applause ]
Ron Paul: i come from the strong line of isolationists in teh republican party
Mod: but 9/11 9/11 9/11
Paul: dood why do u think 9/11 happened because we're always up in their business and their face
Rudy: hes saying that america invited the 9/11 attacks and that's terrible now u take that back
[thunderous applause]
Paul: dood we overthrew teh Shah they dont hate us for our freedom they wanted us to go to iraq so they could kill americans and guess what we did and they are
Rudy: may i go over there and punch him
Mod: no
Rudy: fuck
Mod: confederate flag
[audience boos ]
McCain: fuck you
Tancredo: for every scientist who sez global warming theres one who sez there isn't - oh and i just wanted to say to ron paul that its part of the islamic religion to attack america
Hume: when we come back we play "24"
Brit Hume: wow ok here's a really really detailed fictional disaster scenario but the real question is would u torture a prisoner
McCain: yes i would but we should never do it because we do not torture - u know i was tortured its about america - read teh army field manual its all in there
Hume: dood if you don't say u favor torture i will toss you off this stage right now
[throws pen down angily]
Guiliani: i would tell teh interrrogators to let their imaginations go wild
[ wild applause ]
Romney: i would deny them lawyers in fact i would double the size of Gitmo its faaaaaaabulous
Hume: dood tone it down
Hume: imagine a nightmare scenario in teh Dark Continent
Thompon: Colin Powell is black u know and if there is a country anywhere hostile to us if they're brown we should kill them!
Brownback: not only would i not go to the U.N. for authorization i would bomb Africa and then i would bomb the U.N.
Hunter: yur all wimps i would start torturing liberals then random people then the detainees in Gitmo
Gilmore: i would go to the U.N but just to tell them to fuck off
McCain: jesus christ yur all wannabe heroes
[applause]
Hume: what if a shopping center was hit
Romney: oh nooooooo!!!!
Hume: will no one here take my hint and declare marital law and outlaw the Democratic party???
Huckabee: lets use the word murder and sacrifice
Paul: if america was attacked again i would cut spending
Hume: ok
Paul: terms like 'enhanced interrogation technique' are Orwellian
Tancredo: okay i am just really freaking out right now listening to this you're all acting like this is fictional - i would tell Jack Bauer to throw the Constitution out the window because we are teh last best hope of western civilization
Hume: no more questions for u
Wallace: ok i am going to give u a really really really easy question do u wish there were more minorities voting Republican?
Gilmore: no fuck 'em if they can't be bothered to join teh GOP
Romney: i luv school testing and kids luv it too - thats civil rights
Hunter: China is buying weapons designed to kill Americans!!!!
Hume: Well thats it i want to thank all the candidates for scaring the shit out of everyone tonight - good night now im going to go hide under my bed
***************************************************************************************
Sunday, May 13, 2007
The Chris Matthews Show - May 13, 2007
The Chris Matthews Show - May 13, 2007
***************************************************************************************************
Matthews: Republicans revolting on teh Preznit
David Gregory: they told him u have no credibility
Casey Stengel: Bushies think they're all wimps after all Hoover is a hero now
Katty Kay: hes a total mental case
Cynthia Tucker: he has a messiah complex - god told him to keep us in iraq with too few troops to succeed
Kay: hes teh Commander Guy
Stengel: Mitt Romney's gonna run as teh guy who thinks the war was badly managed and he can do better after all he ran teh Olympics and Duane Reed
Matthews: teh drugstore is dangerous
Gregory: yeah but was war a bad idea or just badly managed
Matthews: uh yeah
Gregory: no one is talking about the real question which is if we stop teh war in Iraq who do we go to war with next after all we must be at war at all times
Matthews: who made u an expert on teh middle east dood
Kay: but teh base still luvs Bush
Tucker: GOP base are impervious to teh facts shut up about the war
Matthews: i still luv McCain
Gregory: dood he'll stick with Bush
Kay: Tony Bliar is loathed in Britain because he is seen as Bush's poodle
Mattthews: yeah none of the other dogs want to sniff Barney's butt anymore its sad
Gregory: yeah but Blair was right about everything we must crush the middle east infidels!!!
Matthews: i luv teh movies!!!
[shows clip: "David Beckham, Harry Potter, teh Beatles, Bush is a bully"]
Kay: Chris yur crying over "Love Actually" yur so fucking weird dood
Gregory: i was hanging with the queen and I kissed the royal jewels and dood they're real and they're spectacular
Tucker: The Generals are hating on Bush
Stengel: Fred McGruff gave a bad speech
Matthews: Nooooooo!!!!!!!
Matthews: graduation advice
Kay: Travel see the world
Matthews: i luv Aussies
Gregory: thank teh people who allowed you to become teh whore u are today someday u might get to meet teh queen
Tucker: dont run up credit card debt
Matthews: boooorrrriiing!!!
Stengel: dont follow yur bliss study science
Matthews: dood yur with Time magazine
Stengel: ok smart dood - whats yur advice
Matthews: dont ever let anyone tell you mental illness is a barrier to hosting 2 tv shows if thats yur dream
************************************************************************************************
***************************************************************************************************
Matthews: Republicans revolting on teh Preznit
David Gregory: they told him u have no credibility
Casey Stengel: Bushies think they're all wimps after all Hoover is a hero now
Katty Kay: hes a total mental case
Cynthia Tucker: he has a messiah complex - god told him to keep us in iraq with too few troops to succeed
Kay: hes teh Commander Guy
Stengel: Mitt Romney's gonna run as teh guy who thinks the war was badly managed and he can do better after all he ran teh Olympics and Duane Reed
Matthews: teh drugstore is dangerous
Gregory: yeah but was war a bad idea or just badly managed
Matthews: uh yeah
Gregory: no one is talking about the real question which is if we stop teh war in Iraq who do we go to war with next after all we must be at war at all times
Matthews: who made u an expert on teh middle east dood
Kay: but teh base still luvs Bush
Tucker: GOP base are impervious to teh facts shut up about the war
Matthews: i still luv McCain
Gregory: dood he'll stick with Bush
Kay: Tony Bliar is loathed in Britain because he is seen as Bush's poodle
Mattthews: yeah none of the other dogs want to sniff Barney's butt anymore its sad
Gregory: yeah but Blair was right about everything we must crush the middle east infidels!!!
Matthews: i luv teh movies!!!
[shows clip: "David Beckham, Harry Potter, teh Beatles, Bush is a bully"]
Kay: Chris yur crying over "Love Actually" yur so fucking weird dood
Gregory: i was hanging with the queen and I kissed the royal jewels and dood they're real and they're spectacular
Tucker: The Generals are hating on Bush
Stengel: Fred McGruff gave a bad speech
Matthews: Nooooooo!!!!!!!
Matthews: graduation advice
Kay: Travel see the world
Matthews: i luv Aussies
Gregory: thank teh people who allowed you to become teh whore u are today someday u might get to meet teh queen
Tucker: dont run up credit card debt
Matthews: boooorrrriiing!!!
Stengel: dont follow yur bliss study science
Matthews: dood yur with Time magazine
Stengel: ok smart dood - whats yur advice
Matthews: dont ever let anyone tell you mental illness is a barrier to hosting 2 tv shows if thats yur dream
************************************************************************************************
Meet The Press - May 13, 2007
Meet The Press - May 13, 2007
******************************************************************************************
Russert: dood teh American people think the Iraq war was a mistake
McCain: well you know the American people think failure is teh suck
Russert: well why not
McCain: yeah but teh people dont get teh consequences of failure
Russert: teh people hate u and yur policies
McCain: kurds, turks, Saudis will go to war and then we'll have to partition bedrooms in Iraq if we do that they'll follow us in to American bedrooms
Timmeh: wow
McCain: i luv shock and awe but its true bush is a terrible president and it was all mismanaged - for that i blame Donald Rumsfeld
Timmeh: but not Bush of course
McCain: at the time we went to war given what the British said we had to invade iraq
Timmeh: thats it?
MCcain: also the Oil-for-Food program was breaking down
Timmeh: yur joking right
McCain: hey if we had known we'd fail well sure you wouldn't invade
Timmy: sorry yur confusing me
McCain: Al Qaeda is in Baghdad but we're making progress they're in other areas too
Timmeh: excellent but iraqi parliament wants us to leave
McCain: yeah but its in our interest to honor teh troops by not debating over and over and over again teh stoopit boring Iraq war
Tim: huh?
McCain: fuck the Iraqi parliament
Tim: oh ok
McCain: those fuckers are just playing to their base I’ve had it with this fucking democracy i saw all this in vietnam
Tim: yeah like in Platoon and the Killing Fields
McCain: clearly the democracy in Iraq is undermining our effort to establish a democracy in Iraq
Tim: how the fuck long is it going to take
McCain: well we fought a bloody civil war 100 years after the Revolution in 1776 so you figure it out
Timmeh: Iraqi referendum?
McCain: dood Iraq is too precious to be entrusted to the Iraqi people
Timmeh: who told you that
McCain: saddam hussein - he was pretty smart
Russert: why no Iraqi troops
McCain: it's a little baby democracy we're seeing "signifcant improvement"
Russert: dood that quote will come back to haunt u I guarantee it
McCain: a student of history will tell u we must crush iraq in order to save it
Russert: totally but how
McCain: we now have a totally awesome strategy
Timmeh: jesus h christ dood it's been four years and it's utter chaos
McCain: oh you can't trust the CIA do you realize they wanted us to invade Iraq and that was a really really bad idea
Timmeh: dood exactly what medications are u on???
McCain: i hope someday in teh future Americans will on teh front lines for 60 years but like in Korea hopefully a funny sitcom will be made
Timmeh: my head is spinning
McCain: yeah but in my pie-in-the-sky fantasy everything is great
Timmy: i can see that
McCain: look Timster i get it but we have only just begun this new strategy -- give it a chance to fail
Timmy: yur creepy
McCain: oh just cut off teh funding and starve our troops if u feel that way
Russert: yur so peevish lighten up and get a life
McCain: dood if we pull out of Iraq it will be genocide and America will be occupied by jihadists
Timmeh: is Iraq just like Somalia
McCain: there’s no comparison with Somalia except there was chaos in teh streets -- but Baghdad is vital if we control the Tigris and Euphrates we can control teh world!!!!!!
Tim: yur so optimistic
McCain: thats not fair I’ve been critical a lot heck I’ve flip flopped all the time
[Russert showing McCain in sunglasses and flak jack in Baghdad market]
Timmy: dood here's yur Dukakis moment
McCain: heh yeah
Tim: Sharpshooters, attack helicopters, 100 soldiers
McCain: dood i was there for 1 hour and bought some rugs and thing are better
Tim: but its really dangerous
McCain: see that only proves we have to stay until it's safe!
Tim: dood you are now officially making no sense at all
McCain: I'm not afraid to go anywhere and speak gibberish at any time
Tim: violence has gone up
McCain: see that proves we are winning
McCain: i will return to that market without any protection at all
Tim: oh yeah i'd like to see that
McCain: don't tempt me Tim Russert clearly i'm senile
Tim: GOP ready to give up on Iraq war
McCain: americans sad and frustrated blah blah blah blah even I get tired of saying it
Tim: [ yawn ]
MCain: these people are evil they tortured me in Vietnam!!
Tim: dood yur not having a flashback are u??
Tim: what a bummer you lose to Bush and then lose because you embraced Bush
McCain: i didn't embrace him - i hugged him
Tim: whatever u were his BFF
McCain: life isn't fair whaaaaaa
Tim: yur career is dying
McCain: i consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth
Tim: yur like Lou Gehrig maybe they'll name the disease of political failure after you
McCain: [clenches teeth and laughs] dood immortaility
Timmeh: u used to be pro-immigrant
McCain: no Chertoff is on board we're *this* close to an agreement
Tim: Ted Kennedy is fat
McCain: u should talk
Tim: heh okay
McCain: secure the Broders
Tim: he speaks for teh American people
McCain: he wuz in my living room
Tim: war sacrifice - higher taxes?
McCain: ok this is simple when yur in the GOP you can vote against tax cuts but you can never never ever ever vote to repeal tax cuts because that's "RAISING TAXES"
Tim: oh i see but law and economics sez its all fungible
McCain: sorry i went to Annapolis not teh University of Chicago
Tim: what did they teach you there
McCain: high government spending is very very bad except for military spending which doesn't count
Tim: oh that's very clever so whats the solution
McCain: bridge to nowhere blah blah
Tim: thats bullshit
McCain: ha ha ha
Tim: why do u keep laughing
McCain: its teh nervous habit
Tim: abortion!
McCain: fetuses are teh base of our party
Tim: rove v wade
McCain: we have to have a culture of human rights for uteruses of America
Tim: Citizenship for uteruses?
McCain: maybe white Americans could adopt them i have adopted several myself
Tim: Ethanol?
McCain: i like sugar in my coffee
Tim: what about cream
McCain: once u go black u never go back
Tim: Iowa caucuses caused u to change yur mind?
McCain: i can't respond to that - i am so pure the idea that i would pander has shocked me into silence
McCain: my energy level is great
Russert: dood you could not have shown less energy in this interview if you had been a potted plant
McCain: i hiked the grand canyon like William Henry Harrison
Russert: dood he died
*******************************************************************************************
******************************************************************************************
Russert: dood teh American people think the Iraq war was a mistake
McCain: well you know the American people think failure is teh suck
Russert: well why not
McCain: yeah but teh people dont get teh consequences of failure
Russert: teh people hate u and yur policies
McCain: kurds, turks, Saudis will go to war and then we'll have to partition bedrooms in Iraq if we do that they'll follow us in to American bedrooms
Timmeh: wow
McCain: i luv shock and awe but its true bush is a terrible president and it was all mismanaged - for that i blame Donald Rumsfeld
Timmeh: but not Bush of course
McCain: at the time we went to war given what the British said we had to invade iraq
Timmeh: thats it?
MCcain: also the Oil-for-Food program was breaking down
Timmeh: yur joking right
McCain: hey if we had known we'd fail well sure you wouldn't invade
Timmy: sorry yur confusing me
McCain: Al Qaeda is in Baghdad but we're making progress they're in other areas too
Timmeh: excellent but iraqi parliament wants us to leave
McCain: yeah but its in our interest to honor teh troops by not debating over and over and over again teh stoopit boring Iraq war
Tim: huh?
McCain: fuck the Iraqi parliament
Tim: oh ok
McCain: those fuckers are just playing to their base I’ve had it with this fucking democracy i saw all this in vietnam
Tim: yeah like in Platoon and the Killing Fields
McCain: clearly the democracy in Iraq is undermining our effort to establish a democracy in Iraq
Tim: how the fuck long is it going to take
McCain: well we fought a bloody civil war 100 years after the Revolution in 1776 so you figure it out
Timmeh: Iraqi referendum?
McCain: dood Iraq is too precious to be entrusted to the Iraqi people
Timmeh: who told you that
McCain: saddam hussein - he was pretty smart
Russert: why no Iraqi troops
McCain: it's a little baby democracy we're seeing "signifcant improvement"
Russert: dood that quote will come back to haunt u I guarantee it
McCain: a student of history will tell u we must crush iraq in order to save it
Russert: totally but how
McCain: we now have a totally awesome strategy
Timmeh: jesus h christ dood it's been four years and it's utter chaos
McCain: oh you can't trust the CIA do you realize they wanted us to invade Iraq and that was a really really bad idea
Timmeh: dood exactly what medications are u on???
McCain: i hope someday in teh future Americans will on teh front lines for 60 years but like in Korea hopefully a funny sitcom will be made
Timmeh: my head is spinning
McCain: yeah but in my pie-in-the-sky fantasy everything is great
Timmy: i can see that
McCain: look Timster i get it but we have only just begun this new strategy -- give it a chance to fail
Timmy: yur creepy
McCain: oh just cut off teh funding and starve our troops if u feel that way
Russert: yur so peevish lighten up and get a life
McCain: dood if we pull out of Iraq it will be genocide and America will be occupied by jihadists
Timmeh: is Iraq just like Somalia
McCain: there’s no comparison with Somalia except there was chaos in teh streets -- but Baghdad is vital if we control the Tigris and Euphrates we can control teh world!!!!!!
Tim: yur so optimistic
McCain: thats not fair I’ve been critical a lot heck I’ve flip flopped all the time
[Russert showing McCain in sunglasses and flak jack in Baghdad market]
Timmy: dood here's yur Dukakis moment
McCain: heh yeah
Tim: Sharpshooters, attack helicopters, 100 soldiers
McCain: dood i was there for 1 hour and bought some rugs and thing are better
Tim: but its really dangerous
McCain: see that only proves we have to stay until it's safe!
Tim: dood you are now officially making no sense at all
McCain: I'm not afraid to go anywhere and speak gibberish at any time
Tim: violence has gone up
McCain: see that proves we are winning
McCain: i will return to that market without any protection at all
Tim: oh yeah i'd like to see that
McCain: don't tempt me Tim Russert clearly i'm senile
Tim: GOP ready to give up on Iraq war
McCain: americans sad and frustrated blah blah blah blah even I get tired of saying it
Tim: [ yawn ]
MCain: these people are evil they tortured me in Vietnam!!
Tim: dood yur not having a flashback are u??
Tim: what a bummer you lose to Bush and then lose because you embraced Bush
McCain: i didn't embrace him - i hugged him
Tim: whatever u were his BFF
McCain: life isn't fair whaaaaaa
Tim: yur career is dying
McCain: i consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth
Tim: yur like Lou Gehrig maybe they'll name the disease of political failure after you
McCain: [clenches teeth and laughs] dood immortaility
Timmeh: u used to be pro-immigrant
McCain: no Chertoff is on board we're *this* close to an agreement
Tim: Ted Kennedy is fat
McCain: u should talk
Tim: heh okay
McCain: secure the Broders
Tim: he speaks for teh American people
McCain: he wuz in my living room
Tim: war sacrifice - higher taxes?
McCain: ok this is simple when yur in the GOP you can vote against tax cuts but you can never never ever ever vote to repeal tax cuts because that's "RAISING TAXES"
Tim: oh i see but law and economics sez its all fungible
McCain: sorry i went to Annapolis not teh University of Chicago
Tim: what did they teach you there
McCain: high government spending is very very bad except for military spending which doesn't count
Tim: oh that's very clever so whats the solution
McCain: bridge to nowhere blah blah
Tim: thats bullshit
McCain: ha ha ha
Tim: why do u keep laughing
McCain: its teh nervous habit
Tim: abortion!
McCain: fetuses are teh base of our party
Tim: rove v wade
McCain: we have to have a culture of human rights for uteruses of America
Tim: Citizenship for uteruses?
McCain: maybe white Americans could adopt them i have adopted several myself
Tim: Ethanol?
McCain: i like sugar in my coffee
Tim: what about cream
McCain: once u go black u never go back
Tim: Iowa caucuses caused u to change yur mind?
McCain: i can't respond to that - i am so pure the idea that i would pander has shocked me into silence
McCain: my energy level is great
Russert: dood you could not have shown less energy in this interview if you had been a potted plant
McCain: i hiked the grand canyon like William Henry Harrison
Russert: dood he died
*******************************************************************************************
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