Face the Nation
November 1, 2009
Guest: Sen. Joe Lieberman (CFL-CT)
************************
Schieffer: Holy Joe thanks for coming
Lieberman: thank you very much Bob
Schieffer: So the Democrats may pass health care reform public option - what do you think?
Lieberman: I’m all for health care reform but we have to worry about the state of the economy in 20 years and a public option might help people and save lives in the short term but in the long run it will run up the debt and destroy America
[ shakes jowls vigorously ]
Schieffer: but most people like it
Lieberman: sure they do but this crazy idea
that people deserve health care just came
out of nowhere!
Schieffer: Liberals say we need it to save lives
Lieberman: true but we must be ready to kill the many to save the few who make our incredibly
fragile economy the envy of the world
Schieffer: will you filibuster a public option?
Lieberman: I will - I must stop this horrific idea
that the government would create an entitlement
for health care
[begins weeping]
Schieffer: you think people are not entitled to
decent health care?
Lieberman: not if they are not as wonderful as I am
Schieffer: is anyone in America as terrific as you?
Lieberman: touchdown Jesus
Schieffer: but your filibuster could kill all health
care reform
Lieberman: oh no I’m not the one who would
do that - those horrible people who push for the public option are -- they are mean and say if you
are not for the government insurance you must
be a bad person
[ starts crying ]
Schieffer: would rather have no reform at all
than a government-run insurance program
Lieberman: yes - because the public plan will be
so very expensive that no one will enroll in it which will be bad because it will be too unpopular and
also it will run up the debt and raise taxes when everyone enrolls
Schieffer: this has nothing to do with the $400,000 you got this year alone from insurance companies
Lieberman: oh no no no I hate insurance companies
Schieffer: really?
Lieberman: yeah I even pretended I would remove their anti-trust exemption
[ wipes tears]
Schieffer: will you stop crying
Lieberman: this takes us down a road America has never gone down before - America providing health care to its citizens is a nightmare scenario
[sobs]
Schieffer: you also want to put more troops in Afghanistan even though their government is
totally corrupt
Lieberman: Oh no no Karzai is the Last Honest Man in Afghanistan - our troops need to believe in his inherent goodness
Schieffer: you’re like a jowly Rush Limbaugh
Lieberman: no I actually don't believe Obama despises America or fakes his compassion
for the troops
Schieffer: golly you’re such a moderate
*********************
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Meet The Press - Halloween Episode - October 31, 2009
Meet The Press
October 31, 2009
Guests:
Sen. John McCain
Count Dracula
Frankenstein
The Mummy
The Wolfman
Zombie
********************************
Gregory: Welcome to this special edition of
Meet The Press - thank you all for coming
McCain: thank you David
Dracula: yeeesss thank you Daaahhveed Greegorrry
Frankenstein: Mr. Gregory nice to be here
Wolfman: Good morning everyone
Zombie: Glad to be here, Dave
Mummy: mmmmmph rrrrmmmpph
Gregory: Senator McCain let’s start with you -
the House Democrats have proposed a 2,000
page health reform bill with a public option
- do they have the votes to pass this and can the Republicans stop it?
McCain: my friends this proposal is not the right thing to do - we need to start over, go back to the drawing board and-
Zombie: Fresh brains!!! mmmmrrrrrrgghhhh!!!!
[ zombie lunges at McCain ]
Gregory: zombie please don’t eat John
McCain’s brain
McCain: aaaaaarrhhhh
Zombie: grrraarrmmmphhh nom nom nom nom
Gregory: great now McCain is wandering around
the studio aimlessly
Frankenstein: so nothing new then
Wolfman: ha good one Frank
Frankenstein: thanks Wolf
Gregory: ok John McCain is now one of the undead - let’s move on
McCain: moooooaaaannn
Gregory: Dracula what do you think of this
health reform bill
Dracula: Daaavid Gregorrry I must say this bill eees
a terrible idea - Americans viiill lose access to health care, and insurance companies vill be put out
of business
Gregory: to be fair you are Transylvanian and immortal
Dracula: Nevertheless Daaavid Grrregory ze American people don’t vant a puuuublic option
- zey vant lower taxes and tort reforrrm
Wolfman: I strongly disagree. Look at me - being a wolfman is a preexisting condition - how am I supposed to get health insurance now?? Plus I have
sciatica, high blood pressure, and distemper!
Gregory: sorry to hear that
Mummy: mmmmrrrrph arrrruummph
Gregory: Frankenstein what do you think?
Frankenstein: Actually I’m The Creature - Frankenstein was the scientist who created me
Gregory: oh really sorry
Frankenstein: it’s okay - you can call me Frank
McCain: [ wanders across stage ]
braaaaaainnnnsss!!
Frankenstein: David it’s clear we need single-payer insurance - if government insurance is good enough for members of Congress and our military, why not everyone else?
Gregory: but the deficit!!!
Frankenstein: Calm down Fluffy - it’s more efficient and speaking as someone is himself stitched from parts of dead bodies - I know how much we need this
Dracula: eees a government takeover of health carrre and eess a jobs kiiiiller
Gregory: I should tell our viewers Dracula that you sit on the board of directors of Aetna and United Health and have $200 million in health insurance stock
Dracula: [ shrugs ] I have made a few investments over zeee last 500 yearrrs, eees true
Zombie: I’m very concerned about the details - for example will there be negotiated rates? Who will be eligible for the public option? And most importantly -
will it cover fresh brains???
Gregory: all good questions
McCain: [cuts in front of camera ]
aaaaarrrhhh braaaains
Gregory: the public option has created a firestorm
of controversy
Frankenstein: Fire BAAAD!!!!
Wolfman: without single-payer this is basically a giveaway to the insurance companies, for example oh no full moon oh no nooo ow ow oww OW OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
[ turns into wolf, leaps on zombie John McCain ]
McCain: aaaaiiiieeeee
Gregory: oh Wolfman is biting the senator
Frankenstein: that’s a shame
Gregory: Ok he just ate John McCain - let’s move on
[ Dracula stares at Gregory’s neck ]
Gregory: Mummy you’re from the middle east - if
we leave Iraq and Afghanistan don’t we just surrender to the terrorists?
Mummy: I once read in hieroglyphics that you
were a moron
Gregory: we have to stay for the honor of our troops! Also spending on health care is bad!
Mummy: you’re like the Rosetta Stone of Stupidity
Dracula: I haf liiived for 800 yeeearrss and I must say I think that theeees eees not so good a situation
Mummy: Granted the extremists are dangerous -
but what are we doing there? And is bombing people really going to win over the people? We went up against the Greek, Romans, and Napoleon and the pyramids are still around
Gregory: good point
McCain: oooooohhhhh!!!!! ow owww oooooowwwwwww!!!!
Gregory: great now Senator John McCain is
a werewolf
Dracula: you have lovely skiiiin Dahveeeed Gregorrrry
Gregory: thanks very much Count
Dracula: pleeez call me Vlaaad
Gregory: Vlad what about Congressional race in upstate New York - the Republican nominee just dropped out!
Frankenstein: sure people hate Republicans
Gregory: no she quit in favor of a right wing
crazy person
Dracula: this eees good news for Repuuuuublicans - Scozzafava vas not a real Repuuuublican - she doesn’t believe in teabagging, African birth certificates, or demonized Hallowen candy - there’s no room for that kind of thinking in today’s party Dahveed Greeegorrry
Gregory: Hoffman is a vampire, isn’t he?
Dracula: [ smiles slyly ] maybe
Gregory: Oooh tell me who else is???
Dracula: just between us - Karl Rove, Pat and Bay Buchanan, Mary Matalin and-
Gregory: and James Carville?
Dracula: oh no - I think he eees some kind
of underground trolll
Gregory: ah
Dracula: how vould like to be immorrrrtal, dahveed?
[strokes Gregory's hair]
Gregory: gee I don’t know
Dracula: don’t reeesiiist me dahveed
[ lunges over, bites Gregory on the neck ]
Gregory: oh my
Dracula: you are now a vampire - a member of the glorious family of the soulless undead, sucking the blood of the living for eternity
Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]
and we’ll be back next Sunday for another edition of Meet The Press where my guest will be zombie werewolf John McCain
**************
October 31, 2009
Guests:
Sen. John McCain
Count Dracula
Frankenstein
The Mummy
The Wolfman
Zombie
********************************
Gregory: Welcome to this special edition of
Meet The Press - thank you all for coming
McCain: thank you David
Dracula: yeeesss thank you Daaahhveed Greegorrry
Frankenstein: Mr. Gregory nice to be here
Wolfman: Good morning everyone
Zombie: Glad to be here, Dave
Mummy: mmmmmph rrrrmmmpph
Gregory: Senator McCain let’s start with you -
the House Democrats have proposed a 2,000
page health reform bill with a public option
- do they have the votes to pass this and can the Republicans stop it?
McCain: my friends this proposal is not the right thing to do - we need to start over, go back to the drawing board and-
Zombie: Fresh brains!!! mmmmrrrrrrgghhhh!!!!
[ zombie lunges at McCain ]
Gregory: zombie please don’t eat John
McCain’s brain
McCain: aaaaaarrhhhh
Zombie: grrraarrmmmphhh nom nom nom nom
Gregory: great now McCain is wandering around
the studio aimlessly
Frankenstein: so nothing new then
Wolfman: ha good one Frank
Frankenstein: thanks Wolf
Gregory: ok John McCain is now one of the undead - let’s move on
McCain: moooooaaaannn
Gregory: Dracula what do you think of this
health reform bill
Dracula: Daaavid Gregorrry I must say this bill eees
a terrible idea - Americans viiill lose access to health care, and insurance companies vill be put out
of business
Gregory: to be fair you are Transylvanian and immortal
Dracula: Nevertheless Daaavid Grrregory ze American people don’t vant a puuuublic option
- zey vant lower taxes and tort reforrrm
Wolfman: I strongly disagree. Look at me - being a wolfman is a preexisting condition - how am I supposed to get health insurance now?? Plus I have
sciatica, high blood pressure, and distemper!
Gregory: sorry to hear that
Mummy: mmmmrrrrph arrrruummph
Gregory: Frankenstein what do you think?
Frankenstein: Actually I’m The Creature - Frankenstein was the scientist who created me
Gregory: oh really sorry
Frankenstein: it’s okay - you can call me Frank
McCain: [ wanders across stage ]
braaaaaainnnnsss!!
Frankenstein: David it’s clear we need single-payer insurance - if government insurance is good enough for members of Congress and our military, why not everyone else?
Gregory: but the deficit!!!
Frankenstein: Calm down Fluffy - it’s more efficient and speaking as someone is himself stitched from parts of dead bodies - I know how much we need this
Dracula: eees a government takeover of health carrre and eess a jobs kiiiiller
Gregory: I should tell our viewers Dracula that you sit on the board of directors of Aetna and United Health and have $200 million in health insurance stock
Dracula: [ shrugs ] I have made a few investments over zeee last 500 yearrrs, eees true
Zombie: I’m very concerned about the details - for example will there be negotiated rates? Who will be eligible for the public option? And most importantly -
will it cover fresh brains???
Gregory: all good questions
McCain: [cuts in front of camera ]
aaaaarrrhhh braaaains
Gregory: the public option has created a firestorm
of controversy
Frankenstein: Fire BAAAD!!!!
Wolfman: without single-payer this is basically a giveaway to the insurance companies, for example oh no full moon oh no nooo ow ow oww OW OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
[ turns into wolf, leaps on zombie John McCain ]
McCain: aaaaiiiieeeee
Gregory: oh Wolfman is biting the senator
Frankenstein: that’s a shame
Gregory: Ok he just ate John McCain - let’s move on
[ Dracula stares at Gregory’s neck ]
Gregory: Mummy you’re from the middle east - if
we leave Iraq and Afghanistan don’t we just surrender to the terrorists?
Mummy: I once read in hieroglyphics that you
were a moron
Gregory: we have to stay for the honor of our troops! Also spending on health care is bad!
Mummy: you’re like the Rosetta Stone of Stupidity
Dracula: I haf liiived for 800 yeeearrss and I must say I think that theeees eees not so good a situation
Mummy: Granted the extremists are dangerous -
but what are we doing there? And is bombing people really going to win over the people? We went up against the Greek, Romans, and Napoleon and the pyramids are still around
Gregory: good point
McCain: oooooohhhhh!!!!! ow owww oooooowwwwwww!!!!
Gregory: great now Senator John McCain is
a werewolf
Dracula: you have lovely skiiiin Dahveeeed Gregorrrry
Gregory: thanks very much Count
Dracula: pleeez call me Vlaaad
Gregory: Vlad what about Congressional race in upstate New York - the Republican nominee just dropped out!
Frankenstein: sure people hate Republicans
Gregory: no she quit in favor of a right wing
crazy person
Dracula: this eees good news for Repuuuuublicans - Scozzafava vas not a real Repuuuublican - she doesn’t believe in teabagging, African birth certificates, or demonized Hallowen candy - there’s no room for that kind of thinking in today’s party Dahveed Greeegorrry
Gregory: Hoffman is a vampire, isn’t he?
Dracula: [ smiles slyly ] maybe
Gregory: Oooh tell me who else is???
Dracula: just between us - Karl Rove, Pat and Bay Buchanan, Mary Matalin and-
Gregory: and James Carville?
Dracula: oh no - I think he eees some kind
of underground trolll
Gregory: ah
Dracula: how vould like to be immorrrrtal, dahveed?
[strokes Gregory's hair]
Gregory: gee I don’t know
Dracula: don’t reeesiiist me dahveed
[ lunges over, bites Gregory on the neck ]
Gregory: oh my
Dracula: you are now a vampire - a member of the glorious family of the soulless undead, sucking the blood of the living for eternity
Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]
and we’ll be back next Sunday for another edition of Meet The Press where my guest will be zombie werewolf John McCain
**************
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Meet The Press - October 25, 2009
Meet The Press
October 25, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Cornyn
Sen. Schumer
Aaron Sorkin
Erin Burnett
Joe Scarborogh
Jane Mayer
Tavis Smiley
Dan Senor
********************
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn there was a bombing in Iraq so does this prove that Obama is a bad President?
Cornyn: yes - Tommy Friedman said so
Schumer: Not true - our soldiers are heroes
Gregory: have we won in Iraq?
Schumer: we never should have invaded in the first place Fluffers
Gregory: Sen Schumer it may feel good to limit welfare to $500,000 but the reality is that it’s just punishment!
Schumer: that’s fucking stupid Dancin’ Dave
Gregory: But if Obama cuts their pay, they are going to quit and get another better jobs and that will hurt the companies and then they won’t be able to pay their welfare back!!!
Cornyn: holy shit even I can’t follow that logic
Gregory: an executive told me they will quit for other jobs where they ruin other companies for millions
of dollars
Cornyn: Don’t worry Fluffy they will just get paid
in gold wastebaskets
Gregory: But isn’t it wrong for the government
to shame wonderful dignified poor little failed executives??
Schumer: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: Public option - yes or no?
Schumer: I propose creating a public health insurance company - but one as badly run as private insurers so there will be a level playing field
Gregory: What is President Snowe’s position?
Schumer: Liberals Dems can live with it, Wanker Dems don’t like it but may not fillibuster
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn can you live with a public option?
Cornyn: OMG I just remember that the debt is bad!!!
Gregory: the debt built up under Reagan, Bush, and Bush Jr.?
Cornyn: Public option is a Trojan Horse for Single-Payer!
Schumer: oh fuck these GOP fuckers - they didn’t pay for Iraq, Afghanistan, Bailout Boy’s spending and all the other shit they pulled
Cornyn: well then let’s get rid of Social Security
Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is dithering on fixing the problems of Cheney administration
Schumer: ha - fuck that stupid fuck
Cornyn: President McChrystal says Gen. Obama should give him more troops!
Gregory: Did Cheney provide enough troops?
Cornyn: Clearly not - but the issue is not troops
but a bad strategy
Schumer: Bush’s bad strategy!
Cornyn: well technically
Gregory: Senator you’re a Republican - is Obama in trouble?
Cornyn: indeed - the election they haven’t lost in Virginia is a cautionary tale for liberals
Schumer: yeah stick with that you stupid fuck
[break]
Gregory: Is Obama killing Wall Street by limiting them to a salary $500,000??
Burnett: No they’ll just get paid in stock options
Gregory: oh thank god
Sorkin: they’re all going to quit and work for Goldman Sachs - it’s so, so sad
Gregory: why would Goldman pay them that much?
Sorkin: they all belong to same country club
Gregory: we have to encourage risk - that’s
how money is made in the world!
Sorkin: right
Gregory: [ high pitched squeaky voice ]
Sure it’s easy to bash AIG but we want them to be healthier and so we have to pay their failed executives millions!!
[ laughs ]
Burnett: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: but the debt!!
Burnett: sorry but we need to spend this money
Gregory: [ sobs ]
Gregory: OMG Obama is trying to undermine conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, insurance executives and Fox News!!
Scarborough: the mainstream media does whatever Fox wants and that hasn’t changed
Gregory: has Obama changed the tone in Washington?
Smiley: as the liberal here I agree Obama is uncivil, unaccountable, and this is all a distraction
Gregory: thank you liberal Tavis Smiley
Mayer: hey Fluffers all Presidents do this - you’re just holding Obama to a higher standard
Scarborough: of course - because everyone knows that Republicans are evil
Mayer: so he’s not Gandhi
Scarborough: he promised to be Gandhi
Gregory: where's the saintly Obama were promised?
Scarborough: of course Nixon was evil he was a Republican
Senor: Rush Limbaugh is thrilled!
Smiley: this is all a distraction dammit!!
Scarborough: all America wakes up every morning listening to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh!
Gregory: where is the public option?
Scarborough: Liberals are angry at Obama for pushing a trigger
Gregory: how do you know?
Scarborough: Arianna Huffington says so
Gregory: so why don’t I just invite her on?
Scarborough: I’m so charming
Gregory: Is a Obama wishy-washy failure?
Smiley: He’s gotta lead!
Mayer: the Constitution requires 60 voters to enact legislation!
Senor: Republicans in Congress wanted to work with the President but he betrayed them with his partisan hatred
Gregory: Cheney says Obama is dithering
and killing troops
Senor: Obama is too obsessed with Cheney just because the former vice president accuses him of playing golf and letting US soldiers die
Gregory: fascinating
Senor: I don’t want to say Obama is dithering but there are all these questions out there about whether Obama loves America or wants to see men and women in uniform die
Gregory: Jane you say we’re using drones to
bomb people
Mayer: It’s the new American way to fight - killing innocent people using robots from above
Smiley: this is nonsense!
Scarborough: This proves that targeted assassinations are the way to go
Senor: we need thousands of marines!
Mayer: whoa dudes put your goddamm dicks away
Gregory: is there a fight in the Republican party?
Scarborough: yes!
Mayer: sounds bad for the GOP
Scarborough: no this is good news Republicans
- it always is
October 25, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Cornyn
Sen. Schumer
Aaron Sorkin
Erin Burnett
Joe Scarborogh
Jane Mayer
Tavis Smiley
Dan Senor
********************
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn there was a bombing in Iraq so does this prove that Obama is a bad President?
Cornyn: yes - Tommy Friedman said so
Schumer: Not true - our soldiers are heroes
Gregory: have we won in Iraq?
Schumer: we never should have invaded in the first place Fluffers
Gregory: Sen Schumer it may feel good to limit welfare to $500,000 but the reality is that it’s just punishment!
Schumer: that’s fucking stupid Dancin’ Dave
Gregory: But if Obama cuts their pay, they are going to quit and get another better jobs and that will hurt the companies and then they won’t be able to pay their welfare back!!!
Cornyn: holy shit even I can’t follow that logic
Gregory: an executive told me they will quit for other jobs where they ruin other companies for millions
of dollars
Cornyn: Don’t worry Fluffy they will just get paid
in gold wastebaskets
Gregory: But isn’t it wrong for the government
to shame wonderful dignified poor little failed executives??
Schumer: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: Public option - yes or no?
Schumer: I propose creating a public health insurance company - but one as badly run as private insurers so there will be a level playing field
Gregory: What is President Snowe’s position?
Schumer: Liberals Dems can live with it, Wanker Dems don’t like it but may not fillibuster
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn can you live with a public option?
Cornyn: OMG I just remember that the debt is bad!!!
Gregory: the debt built up under Reagan, Bush, and Bush Jr.?
Cornyn: Public option is a Trojan Horse for Single-Payer!
Schumer: oh fuck these GOP fuckers - they didn’t pay for Iraq, Afghanistan, Bailout Boy’s spending and all the other shit they pulled
Cornyn: well then let’s get rid of Social Security
Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is dithering on fixing the problems of Cheney administration
Schumer: ha - fuck that stupid fuck
Cornyn: President McChrystal says Gen. Obama should give him more troops!
Gregory: Did Cheney provide enough troops?
Cornyn: Clearly not - but the issue is not troops
but a bad strategy
Schumer: Bush’s bad strategy!
Cornyn: well technically
Gregory: Senator you’re a Republican - is Obama in trouble?
Cornyn: indeed - the election they haven’t lost in Virginia is a cautionary tale for liberals
Schumer: yeah stick with that you stupid fuck
[break]
Gregory: Is Obama killing Wall Street by limiting them to a salary $500,000??
Burnett: No they’ll just get paid in stock options
Gregory: oh thank god
Sorkin: they’re all going to quit and work for Goldman Sachs - it’s so, so sad
Gregory: why would Goldman pay them that much?
Sorkin: they all belong to same country club
Gregory: we have to encourage risk - that’s
how money is made in the world!
Sorkin: right
Gregory: [ high pitched squeaky voice ]
Sure it’s easy to bash AIG but we want them to be healthier and so we have to pay their failed executives millions!!
[ laughs ]
Burnett: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: but the debt!!
Burnett: sorry but we need to spend this money
Gregory: [ sobs ]
Gregory: OMG Obama is trying to undermine conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, insurance executives and Fox News!!
Scarborough: the mainstream media does whatever Fox wants and that hasn’t changed
Gregory: has Obama changed the tone in Washington?
Smiley: as the liberal here I agree Obama is uncivil, unaccountable, and this is all a distraction
Gregory: thank you liberal Tavis Smiley
Mayer: hey Fluffers all Presidents do this - you’re just holding Obama to a higher standard
Scarborough: of course - because everyone knows that Republicans are evil
Mayer: so he’s not Gandhi
Scarborough: he promised to be Gandhi
Gregory: where's the saintly Obama were promised?
Scarborough: of course Nixon was evil he was a Republican
Senor: Rush Limbaugh is thrilled!
Smiley: this is all a distraction dammit!!
Scarborough: all America wakes up every morning listening to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh!
Gregory: where is the public option?
Scarborough: Liberals are angry at Obama for pushing a trigger
Gregory: how do you know?
Scarborough: Arianna Huffington says so
Gregory: so why don’t I just invite her on?
Scarborough: I’m so charming
Gregory: Is a Obama wishy-washy failure?
Smiley: He’s gotta lead!
Mayer: the Constitution requires 60 voters to enact legislation!
Senor: Republicans in Congress wanted to work with the President but he betrayed them with his partisan hatred
Gregory: Cheney says Obama is dithering
and killing troops
Senor: Obama is too obsessed with Cheney just because the former vice president accuses him of playing golf and letting US soldiers die
Gregory: fascinating
Senor: I don’t want to say Obama is dithering but there are all these questions out there about whether Obama loves America or wants to see men and women in uniform die
Gregory: Jane you say we’re using drones to
bomb people
Mayer: It’s the new American way to fight - killing innocent people using robots from above
Smiley: this is nonsense!
Scarborough: This proves that targeted assassinations are the way to go
Senor: we need thousands of marines!
Mayer: whoa dudes put your goddamm dicks away
Gregory: is there a fight in the Republican party?
Scarborough: yes!
Mayer: sounds bad for the GOP
Scarborough: no this is good news Republicans
- it always is
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 25, 2009
October 25, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
**************
Stephanopoulos: Mitch can Harry Reid finally kill a GOP filibuster of health care reform?
McConnell: yes his plan to kill grandchildren is working
Stephanopoulos: private insurers are killing small businesses so why not have a public option?
McConnell: [laughing] hell no the government should not be in the health insurance business
Stephanopoulos: so you want to rid of Medicare?
McConnell: [chuckling] look the American people don’t want this bill
Stephanopoulos: but the polls say that everyone in America hates you
McConnell: sure people are disaffected but we’ll see how the American people feel when some rednecks vote in Virginia
Stephanopoulos: so you really believe everything is going fine in the Republican party?
McConnell: absolutely - all the nervousness is on the Democratic side
Stephanopoulos: wow
Stephanopoulos: Claire can we fix health care or do should do what the GOP wants
McCaskill: these so-called deficit hawks should be the first to want to reform the health care system
Stephanopoulos: will people be forced to buy insurance at an insurance exchange or gun show?
McCaskill: no only Congress and the Irish will have to
Stephanopoulos: what exactly is the public option?
McCaskill: oh we’ll have only kinds of votes - opt-in, opt-out, triggers, mandatory gay abortions, human-animal hybrid baby Einsteins…
Stephanopoulos: President Snowe will only accept a public option which doesn’t exist
McCaskill: We’re very very concerned about giving President Snowe whatever she wants
Stephanopoulos: so how do you get GOP votes?
McCaskill: we need to get votes from moderates like Snowe and right-wing nuts like Evan Bayh
Stephanopoulos: ok
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: George will there be a public option?
Will: the media are cleverly trying to trick American into thinking if 60 Senators vote for something that means it will pass
Podesta: the health care costs are hurting small businesses!
Hunt: Snowe is from Maine which means she is honest
Stephanopoulos: oh
Hunt: she hates the public option and no bill without her can pass because the Democrats can’t play games and just pass a vote with 60 Democrats - that’s a terrible idea
Stephanopoulos: of course
Ingraham: the America people suddenly remembered after 30 years of GOP spending that they are worried about the debt and also the Democrats will kill their grandchildren
Tucker: Maybe Snowe can allow the public option get an up or down vote and then she can vote against it if she wants
Will: all bills should be on the Internet
Hunt: we should give liberals the trigger option to shut them up
Stephanopoulos: Should we cut executive pay to a salary of a mere $500,000
Podesta: well why not?
Will: they should get paid as low-level civil servants nothing more
Ingraham: The GOP philosophy is that people on welfare should make millions of dollars
Hunt: some say that people who destroyed America shouldn’t get rich off that - but those are just childish pitchfork populists
Tucker: the Bailout Boys had their entire industry bailed out and frankly they shouldn’t even make $500,000 for god’s sake!
Stephanopoulos: Controversy!
*************
Guests:
Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
**************
Stephanopoulos: Mitch can Harry Reid finally kill a GOP filibuster of health care reform?
McConnell: yes his plan to kill grandchildren is working
Stephanopoulos: private insurers are killing small businesses so why not have a public option?
McConnell: [laughing] hell no the government should not be in the health insurance business
Stephanopoulos: so you want to rid of Medicare?
McConnell: [chuckling] look the American people don’t want this bill
Stephanopoulos: but the polls say that everyone in America hates you
McConnell: sure people are disaffected but we’ll see how the American people feel when some rednecks vote in Virginia
Stephanopoulos: so you really believe everything is going fine in the Republican party?
McConnell: absolutely - all the nervousness is on the Democratic side
Stephanopoulos: wow
Stephanopoulos: Claire can we fix health care or do should do what the GOP wants
McCaskill: these so-called deficit hawks should be the first to want to reform the health care system
Stephanopoulos: will people be forced to buy insurance at an insurance exchange or gun show?
McCaskill: no only Congress and the Irish will have to
Stephanopoulos: what exactly is the public option?
McCaskill: oh we’ll have only kinds of votes - opt-in, opt-out, triggers, mandatory gay abortions, human-animal hybrid baby Einsteins…
Stephanopoulos: President Snowe will only accept a public option which doesn’t exist
McCaskill: We’re very very concerned about giving President Snowe whatever she wants
Stephanopoulos: so how do you get GOP votes?
McCaskill: we need to get votes from moderates like Snowe and right-wing nuts like Evan Bayh
Stephanopoulos: ok
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: George will there be a public option?
Will: the media are cleverly trying to trick American into thinking if 60 Senators vote for something that means it will pass
Podesta: the health care costs are hurting small businesses!
Hunt: Snowe is from Maine which means she is honest
Stephanopoulos: oh
Hunt: she hates the public option and no bill without her can pass because the Democrats can’t play games and just pass a vote with 60 Democrats - that’s a terrible idea
Stephanopoulos: of course
Ingraham: the America people suddenly remembered after 30 years of GOP spending that they are worried about the debt and also the Democrats will kill their grandchildren
Tucker: Maybe Snowe can allow the public option get an up or down vote and then she can vote against it if she wants
Will: all bills should be on the Internet
Hunt: we should give liberals the trigger option to shut them up
Stephanopoulos: Should we cut executive pay to a salary of a mere $500,000
Podesta: well why not?
Will: they should get paid as low-level civil servants nothing more
Ingraham: The GOP philosophy is that people on welfare should make millions of dollars
Hunt: some say that people who destroyed America shouldn’t get rich off that - but those are just childish pitchfork populists
Tucker: the Bailout Boys had their entire industry bailed out and frankly they shouldn’t even make $500,000 for god’s sake!
Stephanopoulos: Controversy!
*************
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Meet the Press - October 18, 2009
October 18, 2009
Guests:
White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett
Sen. Chris Dodd
Sen. John Kyl
Maria Shriver
John Podesta
*****************
Gregory: OMG the economy has not done well since January of 2009!!
Jarrett: that’s right - which goes to show how bad a President George Bush was
Gregory: [high pitched voice] so what is he going to do about it??
Jarrett: step one is stave off disaster, step two is move the economy from ‘craptacular’ to ‘mediocre’
Gregory: second stimulus?
Jarrett: he plans to create 40,000 more jobs next month
Gregory: how is that?
Jarrett: Invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: Obama says he’s going take on the nice insurance industry but they’re his partners - it’s so sad!
Jarrett: the message is - don’t make Obama mad!!
Gregory: but Politico says unions are really mad that Obama is going to raise taxes on the middle class
Jarrett: hey Fluffy is this was easy someone else would have done it already - but don’t stop Obama - he’s one TNT motherfucker!!
Gregory: Will he push for a public option?
Jarrett: he likes it
Gregory: but will he demand it?
Jarrett: he will ask nicely for it
Gregory: what happened to ‘yes we can’?
Jarrett: it’s now “affirmative we will try, fuckers”
Gregory: how can American get the pig flu as fast as possible
Rice: we have a whole website devoted helping get the flu
Gregory: what’s your answer
Jarrett: wash your hands, stop sneezing, and skip the ER visit - just go to Flu.gov
[ break ]
Gregory: should we have a public option?
Dodd: you’re damm right we should
Gregory: so how can it happen if Obama doesn’t push for it
Dodd: we’ll roll it out and test drive it and then argue for it
Gregory: it sounds like you’re planning for a big defeat
Dodd: I’m confident that we might be able to get someone to vote for it
Gregory: Republican Senator I’d like ask you a tough question - why is the Republican party so darn popular?
Kyl: I’m glad you asked me that tough question - it’s because we’re so wonderful
Gregory: what’s your health care plan?
Kyl: let the free market take care of sick, dying, penniless people!
Greg: how would that work?
Kyl: they could sell their organs in a reverse mortgage - dammit do I have to think of everything??
Greg: do you support a trigger option?
Kyl: hell no!
Dodd: hell no!
Gregory: finally some bipartisanship!
Gregory: hey Kyl - why doesn’t Afghanistan have to be deficit neutral?
Kyl: 9/11
Gregory: so what about people dying for lack of health insurance?
Kyl: free market
Gregory: that’s all you’ve got?
Kyl: grrrrrr
Dodd: people are dying in his state every day!
Kyl: well most of them were old anyway
Gregory: Wall Street bonuses?
Dodd: it’s an outrage!
Kyl: now we have to be very careful because we want to express our outrage and bash Obama but also not in any way limit massive unnecessary wasteful welfare bonuses for capitalist overlords
Gregory: okay then
Gregory: wow - there are girls in the workforce!
Shriver: Half of workers are women - we have to adapt to this crazy change
Jarrett: First thank you Fluffy for spotlighting this
Gregory: thanks Val
Jarrett: we need families to thrive to meet this challenge of women who work
Gregory: this is all about me, and you of course
Podesta: that’s right - the battle of the sexes is over and Billie Jean King won
Gregory: married couples are negotiating the rules of their relationship
Podesta: wow those Geico cavemen must be so confused
Shriver: It’s smart for business to support the American worker
Audience: good luck with that
Gregory: People expect women to take care of the kids, make dinner and hold down a job
Jarrett: Look at Michelle Obama - top lawyer, mother, and helped Barack become President
Gregory: what about the male ego?
Shriver: I live with Arnold so I know what you’re talking about
Gregory: I have no ego
Shriver: well that makes sense - I’ve seen your show
Podesta: 80% of men said they were happy to have women make more money and also take care of the kids and elderly parents
Gregory: fascinating
Gregory: this paper says men should be flexible because women change their minds all the time
Jarrett: that’s right - you gotta go with the flow
Shriver: the recession has hit male jobs first
Gregory: so what’s the answer?
Shriver: telecommuting
Gregory: I just had a conversation with a female executive asking her if I could phone Meet the Press in
Shriver: what did she say?
Gregory: she thought I already was
Gregory: why does school have to get out at 3:00, it’s very inconvenient
Gregory: Republicans say it’s bad that women are working
Shriver: well we need women working but also be there when their kids come home too
Gregory: when do we get a woman President?
Podesta: well Nancy Pelosi is Speaker so we will someday
Gregory: but even Hillary Clinton couldn’t do it!
Shriver: well maybe women just don’t want to put themselves through all that just to prove how awesome they are
Gregrory: [ fluffs hair ] maybe Maria
Guests:
White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett
Sen. Chris Dodd
Sen. John Kyl
Maria Shriver
John Podesta
*****************
Gregory: OMG the economy has not done well since January of 2009!!
Jarrett: that’s right - which goes to show how bad a President George Bush was
Gregory: [high pitched voice] so what is he going to do about it??
Jarrett: step one is stave off disaster, step two is move the economy from ‘craptacular’ to ‘mediocre’
Gregory: second stimulus?
Jarrett: he plans to create 40,000 more jobs next month
Gregory: how is that?
Jarrett: Invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: Obama says he’s going take on the nice insurance industry but they’re his partners - it’s so sad!
Jarrett: the message is - don’t make Obama mad!!
Gregory: but Politico says unions are really mad that Obama is going to raise taxes on the middle class
Jarrett: hey Fluffy is this was easy someone else would have done it already - but don’t stop Obama - he’s one TNT motherfucker!!
Gregory: Will he push for a public option?
Jarrett: he likes it
Gregory: but will he demand it?
Jarrett: he will ask nicely for it
Gregory: what happened to ‘yes we can’?
Jarrett: it’s now “affirmative we will try, fuckers”
Gregory: how can American get the pig flu as fast as possible
Rice: we have a whole website devoted helping get the flu
Gregory: what’s your answer
Jarrett: wash your hands, stop sneezing, and skip the ER visit - just go to Flu.gov
[ break ]
Gregory: should we have a public option?
Dodd: you’re damm right we should
Gregory: so how can it happen if Obama doesn’t push for it
Dodd: we’ll roll it out and test drive it and then argue for it
Gregory: it sounds like you’re planning for a big defeat
Dodd: I’m confident that we might be able to get someone to vote for it
Gregory: Republican Senator I’d like ask you a tough question - why is the Republican party so darn popular?
Kyl: I’m glad you asked me that tough question - it’s because we’re so wonderful
Gregory: what’s your health care plan?
Kyl: let the free market take care of sick, dying, penniless people!
Greg: how would that work?
Kyl: they could sell their organs in a reverse mortgage - dammit do I have to think of everything??
Greg: do you support a trigger option?
Kyl: hell no!
Dodd: hell no!
Gregory: finally some bipartisanship!
Gregory: hey Kyl - why doesn’t Afghanistan have to be deficit neutral?
Kyl: 9/11
Gregory: so what about people dying for lack of health insurance?
Kyl: free market
Gregory: that’s all you’ve got?
Kyl: grrrrrr
Dodd: people are dying in his state every day!
Kyl: well most of them were old anyway
Gregory: Wall Street bonuses?
Dodd: it’s an outrage!
Kyl: now we have to be very careful because we want to express our outrage and bash Obama but also not in any way limit massive unnecessary wasteful welfare bonuses for capitalist overlords
Gregory: okay then
Gregory: wow - there are girls in the workforce!
Shriver: Half of workers are women - we have to adapt to this crazy change
Jarrett: First thank you Fluffy for spotlighting this
Gregory: thanks Val
Jarrett: we need families to thrive to meet this challenge of women who work
Gregory: this is all about me, and you of course
Podesta: that’s right - the battle of the sexes is over and Billie Jean King won
Gregory: married couples are negotiating the rules of their relationship
Podesta: wow those Geico cavemen must be so confused
Shriver: It’s smart for business to support the American worker
Audience: good luck with that
Gregory: People expect women to take care of the kids, make dinner and hold down a job
Jarrett: Look at Michelle Obama - top lawyer, mother, and helped Barack become President
Gregory: what about the male ego?
Shriver: I live with Arnold so I know what you’re talking about
Gregory: I have no ego
Shriver: well that makes sense - I’ve seen your show
Podesta: 80% of men said they were happy to have women make more money and also take care of the kids and elderly parents
Gregory: fascinating
Gregory: this paper says men should be flexible because women change their minds all the time
Jarrett: that’s right - you gotta go with the flow
Shriver: the recession has hit male jobs first
Gregory: so what’s the answer?
Shriver: telecommuting
Gregory: I just had a conversation with a female executive asking her if I could phone Meet the Press in
Shriver: what did she say?
Gregory: she thought I already was
Gregory: why does school have to get out at 3:00, it’s very inconvenient
Gregory: Republicans say it’s bad that women are working
Shriver: well we need women working but also be there when their kids come home too
Gregory: when do we get a woman President?
Podesta: well Nancy Pelosi is Speaker so we will someday
Gregory: but even Hillary Clinton couldn’t do it!
Shriver: well maybe women just don’t want to put themselves through all that just to prove how awesome they are
Gregrory: [ fluffs hair ] maybe Maria
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 18, 2009
October 18, 2009
Guest:
White House Advisor David Axelrod
**************
Stephanopoulos: Axel Is it time for Obama to get tough and stick a sharpened screwdriver into John Boehner?
Axelrod: Obama is plenty tough but he’s also thoughtful
Stephanopoulos: When is he going to twist some arms and make Max Baucus cry?
Axelrod: we’ve already accomplished more than you ever did Stephy
Stephanopoulos: Is it true Obama might take away the insurance anti-trust exemption??
Axelrod: ha ha - now what were you just saying about getting tough?
Stephanopoulos: so will you take it away?
Axelrod: We’ll see what Congress does
Stephanopoulos: so will Obama sign it?
Axelrod: Let’s just this conversation didn’t just happen
Stephanopoulos: Are you paying too much attention to President Snowe?
Axelrod: I know people say that but she is our Magic Conservative
Stephanopoulos: who wins this contest - the majority of Americans or Olympia?
Axelrod: we’ll split the difference and give her whatever she wants
Stephanopoulos: Will you pay for this with a tax on Cadillacs?
Axelrod: these high-end health plans cover necessary things like erection pills but unnecessary things like abortion
Stephanopoulos: I see
Stephanopoulos: Republicans says Obama will increase the deficit
Axelrod: yeah well they also say he is a British Indonesian from Nairobi
Stephanopoulos: aha [ scribbles note ]
Axelrod: don’t worry we’ll pay for health care even if we have to take the drastic step of giving a speech saying we will
Stephanopoulos: New economic stimulus - yes or no?
Axelrod: Sure we have to do something - Bush left us a really really crappy economy
Stephanopoulos: Good god man - Goldman Sachs is paying out record bonuses and we gave them billions in free money!
Axelrod: what’s really sad is that they are not lending out the free money we gave them
Stephanopoulos: well what is President Obama going to do about it?
Axelrod: there’s nothing we can do except moral suasion
Stephanopoulos: Whining? That’s all??
Axelrod: we can’t micromanage their pay to employees
Stephanopoulos: It’s taxpayer money?!
Axelrod: [ wrings hands ]
Stephanopoulos: Are you at war with Fox News?
Axelrod: Fox what?
Stephanopoulos: that Fox station
Axelrod: they’re not a news station they’re a propaganda outfit and we’re not going treat them like a legitimate news station
Stephanopoulos: whoa
Axelrod: and real news stations like you should be glad because you’re real and they’re a bunch of paid liars
Stephanopoulos: aww you flatter me
Axelrod: you’re such a nice boy too
Stephanopoulos: Rupert Murdoch says you helped their ratings
Axelrod: I don’t care about their rantings
Stephanopoulos: I said ratings
Axelrod: those too
**********
Guest:
White House Advisor David Axelrod
**************
Stephanopoulos: Axel Is it time for Obama to get tough and stick a sharpened screwdriver into John Boehner?
Axelrod: Obama is plenty tough but he’s also thoughtful
Stephanopoulos: When is he going to twist some arms and make Max Baucus cry?
Axelrod: we’ve already accomplished more than you ever did Stephy
Stephanopoulos: Is it true Obama might take away the insurance anti-trust exemption??
Axelrod: ha ha - now what were you just saying about getting tough?
Stephanopoulos: so will you take it away?
Axelrod: We’ll see what Congress does
Stephanopoulos: so will Obama sign it?
Axelrod: Let’s just this conversation didn’t just happen
Stephanopoulos: Are you paying too much attention to President Snowe?
Axelrod: I know people say that but she is our Magic Conservative
Stephanopoulos: who wins this contest - the majority of Americans or Olympia?
Axelrod: we’ll split the difference and give her whatever she wants
Stephanopoulos: Will you pay for this with a tax on Cadillacs?
Axelrod: these high-end health plans cover necessary things like erection pills but unnecessary things like abortion
Stephanopoulos: I see
Stephanopoulos: Republicans says Obama will increase the deficit
Axelrod: yeah well they also say he is a British Indonesian from Nairobi
Stephanopoulos: aha [ scribbles note ]
Axelrod: don’t worry we’ll pay for health care even if we have to take the drastic step of giving a speech saying we will
Stephanopoulos: New economic stimulus - yes or no?
Axelrod: Sure we have to do something - Bush left us a really really crappy economy
Stephanopoulos: Good god man - Goldman Sachs is paying out record bonuses and we gave them billions in free money!
Axelrod: what’s really sad is that they are not lending out the free money we gave them
Stephanopoulos: well what is President Obama going to do about it?
Axelrod: there’s nothing we can do except moral suasion
Stephanopoulos: Whining? That’s all??
Axelrod: we can’t micromanage their pay to employees
Stephanopoulos: It’s taxpayer money?!
Axelrod: [ wrings hands ]
Stephanopoulos: Are you at war with Fox News?
Axelrod: Fox what?
Stephanopoulos: that Fox station
Axelrod: they’re not a news station they’re a propaganda outfit and we’re not going treat them like a legitimate news station
Stephanopoulos: whoa
Axelrod: and real news stations like you should be glad because you’re real and they’re a bunch of paid liars
Stephanopoulos: aww you flatter me
Axelrod: you’re such a nice boy too
Stephanopoulos: Rupert Murdoch says you helped their ratings
Axelrod: I don’t care about their rantings
Stephanopoulos: I said ratings
Axelrod: those too
**********
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Meet the Press - October 11, 2009
October 11, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Levin
Sen. Graham
Ret. Gen. Myers
Ret. Gen. McCaffrey
************************
Gregory: Carl shouldn’t we all just do what
President McChrystal wants?
Levin: no because Obama is the President and Gates is the Secretary of Defense and the global strategy is more important the counterinsurgency
in any one country
Gregory: should we send more troops?
Levin: we should send them more equipment like guns and mimeograph machines
Graham: What do you think Lindy?
Graham: I love the General and we should send
40,000 more troops
Gregory: but there are only 100 al qaeda in all
of Afghanistan
Myers: it’s simple - we have to combat all violent extremism and religious fanaticism all over the world
Gregory: Christ you’re going to have take on half
the Republican party
Myers: also we have to invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: yikes
McCaffrey: we have to withdraw from Afghanistan and the best way to do that is a massive buildup
of troops
Myers: we could persuade the rest of the world
to take over
Gregory: Awesome idea
Levin: Hell let the Afghans take over
Graham: we could send one million troops and
it will still fail with a bad local government
Gregory: so why the fuck do you want to send 40,000 more troops?
Graham: so we can reopen Afghan soccer stadiums
Gregory: Is Obama weak?
Graham: if he only puts us halfway in - that will
be weak
Gregory: Like George Bush did?
Graham: the Iranians are watching us for signs of weakness - they are terrified we won’t get into a quagmire there
Gregory: General what went wrong in Afghanistan?
Myers: we emphasized military action and not
social and economic development
Gregory: so in other words too much Republican policies?
Myers: we took our eye off the ball and let the Taliban take over
Gregory: it sounds like you totally fucked up
Myers: well we didn’t think so at the time
- we thought we were gods among men
creating our own reality
Gregory: what made you think that?
Myers: Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and
got him to apologize
McCaffrey: Let’s face it - Bush handed Obama one completely fucked-up situation
Levin: we have to win over the Afghan people by not murdering so many of their children
Gregory: interesting
Graham: somehow we all got focused on Iraq
Gregory: Cause Bush was obsessed with it!
Graham: Unfortunately it turns out Bush is kind
of dumb and at least Obama is a smart guy
Gregory: we’ve been there for eight fucking years
Graham: it’s a multi-generational struggle
Gregory: that’s disturbing
Graham: in the next three years we may have a trustworthy Afghan government
Myers: also we have to fix the Afghan economy
Gregory: we can’t even fix the Detroit economy!
McCaffrey: I think in 10 years we can create sparkling Afghan universities
Gregory: should we end ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’?
Levin: of course we should
Myers: what’s wrong with suppressing your sexuality - I like to wear a pink thong in combat
but you don’t hear me talking about it
Graham: you don’t make policy based on promises made in a campaign
Gregory: did Obama deserve the Nobel prize?
Graham: if Obama kills enough people I will visit him in the Lincoln bedroom one night and show him
how grateful I am
Gregory: ok I think we’ve gone into a weird area
[ break]
Gregory: Should Obama invade Afghanistan?
Woodward: Obama is on a listening tour and then he has to decide what the fuck we are doing in that remote desert nation
Gregory: but at least he’s thinking about it
Woodward: right - Bush never listened - just played with his gameboy while Cheney used the Force
to choke his underlings
Gregory: Let me quote Charles Krauthammer
Gigot: Chuck is right - Obama could do the right thing or listen to the hippies who think they’re so smart just because they are right about everything
Brownstein: yeah but we were going to crush al qaeda and we’ve done it
Gregory: what the hell are we doing there?
Kay: so what if the Taliban took over some of the remote mountainous regions of that county - does that mean they would invade Pakistan??
Gregory: where were all these nation-building Republicans in the last 8 years??
Woodward: now that Obama is President they can admit everything there is completely fucked-up
Brownstein: most Americans think Afghanistan is a necessary war they just don’t care and want us
to leave
Gregory: Let me quote Ruth Marcus saying Obama getting a Nobel is ridiculous
Gigot: the Republicans will ride this to victory
in 2010!!
Woodward: let’s face it - this was an unfair reward based on their hatred for George Bush
Gregory: Let me quote Peggy Noonan
Kay: I heard you were a hack and a moron
Brownstein: the Nobel committee doesn’t know
how to give out their own awards!
Gregory: right - they should have ceremonies where they dance with Karl Rove!
Brownstein: Obama needs to be sensitive to criticism that he is too popular
Kay: you’re all idiots
Woodward: Obama should take his shiny new
Nobel prize and use it to force Germany to take over Afghanistan
Gigot: I disagree Americans have to kick everyone out and take over this crazy-ass central Asian county
Gregory: what about the American economy?
Brownstein: we’re all in a bad national mood
Woodward: any breach between Obama and the military will prevent second stimulus
Gregory: makes sense
Gigot: failure of the health care bill is hurting business and preventing job creation
Gregory: so no jobs until health care is passed?
Gigot: right - so the GOP should filibuster it
Gregory: so this is all good news for the Republicans
Kay: if the economy recovers by the summer
of 2010 the Democrats may do very well
Gregory: oh no!
[ starts sobbing ]
Kay: Calm down Fluffy
*********************
Guests:
Sen. Levin
Sen. Graham
Ret. Gen. Myers
Ret. Gen. McCaffrey
************************
Gregory: Carl shouldn’t we all just do what
President McChrystal wants?
Levin: no because Obama is the President and Gates is the Secretary of Defense and the global strategy is more important the counterinsurgency
in any one country
Gregory: should we send more troops?
Levin: we should send them more equipment like guns and mimeograph machines
Graham: What do you think Lindy?
Graham: I love the General and we should send
40,000 more troops
Gregory: but there are only 100 al qaeda in all
of Afghanistan
Myers: it’s simple - we have to combat all violent extremism and religious fanaticism all over the world
Gregory: Christ you’re going to have take on half
the Republican party
Myers: also we have to invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: yikes
McCaffrey: we have to withdraw from Afghanistan and the best way to do that is a massive buildup
of troops
Myers: we could persuade the rest of the world
to take over
Gregory: Awesome idea
Levin: Hell let the Afghans take over
Graham: we could send one million troops and
it will still fail with a bad local government
Gregory: so why the fuck do you want to send 40,000 more troops?
Graham: so we can reopen Afghan soccer stadiums
Gregory: Is Obama weak?
Graham: if he only puts us halfway in - that will
be weak
Gregory: Like George Bush did?
Graham: the Iranians are watching us for signs of weakness - they are terrified we won’t get into a quagmire there
Gregory: General what went wrong in Afghanistan?
Myers: we emphasized military action and not
social and economic development
Gregory: so in other words too much Republican policies?
Myers: we took our eye off the ball and let the Taliban take over
Gregory: it sounds like you totally fucked up
Myers: well we didn’t think so at the time
- we thought we were gods among men
creating our own reality
Gregory: what made you think that?
Myers: Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and
got him to apologize
McCaffrey: Let’s face it - Bush handed Obama one completely fucked-up situation
Levin: we have to win over the Afghan people by not murdering so many of their children
Gregory: interesting
Graham: somehow we all got focused on Iraq
Gregory: Cause Bush was obsessed with it!
Graham: Unfortunately it turns out Bush is kind
of dumb and at least Obama is a smart guy
Gregory: we’ve been there for eight fucking years
Graham: it’s a multi-generational struggle
Gregory: that’s disturbing
Graham: in the next three years we may have a trustworthy Afghan government
Myers: also we have to fix the Afghan economy
Gregory: we can’t even fix the Detroit economy!
McCaffrey: I think in 10 years we can create sparkling Afghan universities
Gregory: should we end ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’?
Levin: of course we should
Myers: what’s wrong with suppressing your sexuality - I like to wear a pink thong in combat
but you don’t hear me talking about it
Graham: you don’t make policy based on promises made in a campaign
Gregory: did Obama deserve the Nobel prize?
Graham: if Obama kills enough people I will visit him in the Lincoln bedroom one night and show him
how grateful I am
Gregory: ok I think we’ve gone into a weird area
[ break]
Gregory: Should Obama invade Afghanistan?
Woodward: Obama is on a listening tour and then he has to decide what the fuck we are doing in that remote desert nation
Gregory: but at least he’s thinking about it
Woodward: right - Bush never listened - just played with his gameboy while Cheney used the Force
to choke his underlings
Gregory: Let me quote Charles Krauthammer
Gigot: Chuck is right - Obama could do the right thing or listen to the hippies who think they’re so smart just because they are right about everything
Brownstein: yeah but we were going to crush al qaeda and we’ve done it
Gregory: what the hell are we doing there?
Kay: so what if the Taliban took over some of the remote mountainous regions of that county - does that mean they would invade Pakistan??
Gregory: where were all these nation-building Republicans in the last 8 years??
Woodward: now that Obama is President they can admit everything there is completely fucked-up
Brownstein: most Americans think Afghanistan is a necessary war they just don’t care and want us
to leave
Gregory: Let me quote Ruth Marcus saying Obama getting a Nobel is ridiculous
Gigot: the Republicans will ride this to victory
in 2010!!
Woodward: let’s face it - this was an unfair reward based on their hatred for George Bush
Gregory: Let me quote Peggy Noonan
Kay: I heard you were a hack and a moron
Brownstein: the Nobel committee doesn’t know
how to give out their own awards!
Gregory: right - they should have ceremonies where they dance with Karl Rove!
Brownstein: Obama needs to be sensitive to criticism that he is too popular
Kay: you’re all idiots
Woodward: Obama should take his shiny new
Nobel prize and use it to force Germany to take over Afghanistan
Gigot: I disagree Americans have to kick everyone out and take over this crazy-ass central Asian county
Gregory: what about the American economy?
Brownstein: we’re all in a bad national mood
Woodward: any breach between Obama and the military will prevent second stimulus
Gregory: makes sense
Gigot: failure of the health care bill is hurting business and preventing job creation
Gregory: so no jobs until health care is passed?
Gigot: right - so the GOP should filibuster it
Gregory: so this is all good news for the Republicans
Kay: if the economy recovers by the summer
of 2010 the Democrats may do very well
Gregory: oh no!
[ starts sobbing ]
Kay: Calm down Fluffy
*********************
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 11, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Feinstein
Sen. Chambliss
Rep. McGovern
Ret. Gen. Keane
**************
Stephanopoulos: Diane what’s going on
in Afghanistan?
Feinstein: Violence is up 100% and the Taliban controls half the country
Stephanopoulos: sounds terrific
Feinstein: the whole mission is in jeopardy
Stephanopoulos: I’ll take "Hopeless Quagmires"
for $1,000, Alex
Feinstein: we should stop killing civilians from above
Stephanopoulos: that’s just crazy enough to work
Chambliss: the government is hopelessly corrupt and no one wants us there - so we should greatly increase our military presence
Keane: eventually the Afghan military should
take over
Stephanopoulos: good idea - when can we do that?
Keane: 2013
Stephanopoulos: why so long?
Keane: we’re pregnant with a colony and we have
to give birth or have an abortion
McGovern: I’m told there are only 100 members
of al qaeda in Afghanistan - for this we need 100,000 new troops??
Feinstein: that depends on what the meaning of
al qaeda is
Stephanopoulos: so why stay?
Feinstein: women are begging in the streets and being beaten and we need to stabilize this country
Stephanopoulos: we’ll get to domestic policy
in a minute
Feinstein: we must respect McChrystal - after all he came from a Crackerjack box
Chambliss: If Afghanistan falls then Pakistan will
be invaded or encroached upon bad guys
Stephanopoulos: you read a lot of comic
books do you?
Chambliss: Afghanistan will attack Pakistan!
Stephanopoulos: What will General Obama do if President McChrystal opposes him?
Keane: I don’t know but it’s a moral dilemma
Stephanopoulos: He should resign - after all the President is a young black man with no medals
McGovern: jeebus we’ve been there for 8 years and we’re propping up a corrupt unelected government
Stephanopoulos: is that right Saxby?
Chambliss: Oh absolutely - which is why we have to stay - otherwise Osama bin Laden will get access to Pakistan’s nuclear weapons
Stephanopoulos: truly it is amazing Bush didn’t
win the Nobel peace prize
Chambliss: the literacy rate there is only 20% and that doesn’t work
Stephanopoulos: we’ll discuss your home state later Senator
Feinstein: we should totally get the rest of the
world to pay for the Afghan war
Stephanopoulos: good luck with that
Keane: there’s an elephant in the room in Pakistan
Stephanopoulos: that the Pakistan government has been supporting the Taliban all this time?
Keane: no it’s an actual elephant - it sits there during Cabinet meetings
Stephanopoulos: what should Obama consider when making his Afghan decision?
Chambliss: the stability of our troops and giving them what they need to stay in a far-off land in Asia
McGovern: we need to be smarter and not just maintain a useless and expensive world-wide empire
Keane: Obama has a chance to fix Bush’s fuck ups and be decisive and think about later
Feinstein: we should leave as soon as we stay and create a functioning democracy and also they must have a Disneyland
Stephanopoulos: so we have to leave a government as functional as the state of California?
Feinstein: no that would be a war crime
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming
******************
Sen. Feinstein
Sen. Chambliss
Rep. McGovern
Ret. Gen. Keane
**************
Stephanopoulos: Diane what’s going on
in Afghanistan?
Feinstein: Violence is up 100% and the Taliban controls half the country
Stephanopoulos: sounds terrific
Feinstein: the whole mission is in jeopardy
Stephanopoulos: I’ll take "Hopeless Quagmires"
for $1,000, Alex
Feinstein: we should stop killing civilians from above
Stephanopoulos: that’s just crazy enough to work
Chambliss: the government is hopelessly corrupt and no one wants us there - so we should greatly increase our military presence
Keane: eventually the Afghan military should
take over
Stephanopoulos: good idea - when can we do that?
Keane: 2013
Stephanopoulos: why so long?
Keane: we’re pregnant with a colony and we have
to give birth or have an abortion
McGovern: I’m told there are only 100 members
of al qaeda in Afghanistan - for this we need 100,000 new troops??
Feinstein: that depends on what the meaning of
al qaeda is
Stephanopoulos: so why stay?
Feinstein: women are begging in the streets and being beaten and we need to stabilize this country
Stephanopoulos: we’ll get to domestic policy
in a minute
Feinstein: we must respect McChrystal - after all he came from a Crackerjack box
Chambliss: If Afghanistan falls then Pakistan will
be invaded or encroached upon bad guys
Stephanopoulos: you read a lot of comic
books do you?
Chambliss: Afghanistan will attack Pakistan!
Stephanopoulos: What will General Obama do if President McChrystal opposes him?
Keane: I don’t know but it’s a moral dilemma
Stephanopoulos: He should resign - after all the President is a young black man with no medals
McGovern: jeebus we’ve been there for 8 years and we’re propping up a corrupt unelected government
Stephanopoulos: is that right Saxby?
Chambliss: Oh absolutely - which is why we have to stay - otherwise Osama bin Laden will get access to Pakistan’s nuclear weapons
Stephanopoulos: truly it is amazing Bush didn’t
win the Nobel peace prize
Chambliss: the literacy rate there is only 20% and that doesn’t work
Stephanopoulos: we’ll discuss your home state later Senator
Feinstein: we should totally get the rest of the
world to pay for the Afghan war
Stephanopoulos: good luck with that
Keane: there’s an elephant in the room in Pakistan
Stephanopoulos: that the Pakistan government has been supporting the Taliban all this time?
Keane: no it’s an actual elephant - it sits there during Cabinet meetings
Stephanopoulos: what should Obama consider when making his Afghan decision?
Chambliss: the stability of our troops and giving them what they need to stay in a far-off land in Asia
McGovern: we need to be smarter and not just maintain a useless and expensive world-wide empire
Keane: Obama has a chance to fix Bush’s fuck ups and be decisive and think about later
Feinstein: we should leave as soon as we stay and create a functioning democracy and also they must have a Disneyland
Stephanopoulos: so we have to leave a government as functional as the state of California?
Feinstein: no that would be a war crime
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming
******************
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Meet the Press with UN Ambassador Susan Rice - October 4, 2009
October 4, 2009
Guests:
Susan Rice - US Ambassdor to the U.N.
***************
Gregory: OMG Iran is going build a nuclear
bomb and kill us all!!!
[ hides under his desk ]
Rice: um, david?
Gregory: [ peers out from under desk ]
yes?
Rice: don’t panic dave - we’re going to force them
to prove they are enriching uranium for the fun of it
Gregory: [ still under desk ]
but I’m so scared
Rice: we’re going to take care of it dave
Gregory: what’s your deadline?
Rice: Friday
Gregory: really?
[ smacks head on desk ] ow!
Rice: no I’m just fucking with you
Gregory: but Charles Krauthammer says you sold out Poland while Iran is going to acquire the bomb!
Rice: I heard you were a moron - but I didn’t
know you were such a hack
Gregory: but they’re so swarthy!
Rice: criminy we build a huge coalition and all you can do is bitch and whine
Gregory: will you cripple Iran?
Rice: yes if we have to
Gregory: when?? I can’t wait!!!
Rice: calm down Fluffy
Gregory: can we please make Iran another
U.S. colony?
Rice: no
Gregory: but the hostage crisis!
Rice: you’re weird
Gregory: 8 soldiers were killed in Afghanistan today
Rice: it’s not all tea and crumpets
Gregory: why doesn’t Obama just listen to Generals with all their pretty medals
Rice: Look Bush fucked up for 7 years and we’re trying to fix it
Gregory: that may be but why can’t he Grant
The Wishes of His Commanders like that Genie in Alladdin?
Rice: Obama is the damm President and he looks
at the whole global Effort and he won’t just do whatever one general somewhere wants - otherwise McChrystal would be the President
Gregory: well he is a handsome white man
Rice: um yeah
Gregory: will we stay in Afghanistan forever and ever
Rice: maybe forever
Gregory: but not ever!
Rice: hey we have to battle crazy people in southeastern Asia, Africa, the Middle East
and Alaska
Gregory: by failing to occupy Afghanistan permanently you’re surrendering to the
Lefty hippies!
Rice: stop crying
Gregory: did Obama make a mistake trying to get
the Olympics?
Rice: Obama will never apologize for America even
if it means being bashed by stupid pundits
Gregory: the U.N. is just a parade of brown people criticizing America and that gives me a sad
Rice: what a big baby you are
[ break ]
Gregory: Will Obama fulfill his pledge to stay in Afghanistan forever and ever and ever and ever
Brooks: I’m scared that Obama may not permanently occupy that remote mountainous desert nation
Maddow: they don’t want to lose Afghanistan which a good liberal war but not get trapped in a quagmire which is a bad liberal war
Murphy: Obama should never have invaded Afghanistan
Dionne: you are very silly person
Brooks: it would be a moral tragedy if we were to
let the Taliban take over their own country
Maddow: that’s stupid
Murphy: we need to put in 100,000 more troops to save the Afghanistan from itself
Dionne: yeah you and Brooks such a military experts
Gregory: OMG SNL had biting satire in a skit that said Obama hasn’t accomplished anything!!!
Maddow: you got to be fucking kidding me
Gregory: but The Left hates Obama’s failure to fix Bush’s mistakes!!
Maddow: I am critical of Obama too but that’s ridiculous
Gregory: oh no the Obama unemployment!
Brooks: Obama promised we would be at 7% unemployment by now
Maddow: that’s a lie
Brooks: we overspent for 30 years - this proves
we need to elect more Republicans
Murphy: around the kitchen table people complain about the Obama stimulus package
Dionne: that’s total bullshit
Gregory: Obama bailed out the banks!
Dionne: no that’s another lie
Brooks: In addition to being a noted liar and military expert I also haz a smart on economically money things
Murphy: Obama should have worked with Republicans and admitted he is an Indonesian
Witch Doctor from Britain
Maddow: ha ha ha
Gregory: Obama totally failed to get
the Olympics
Maddow: It was disgusting to see the right wingers cheering for America to fail
Murphy: oh now you’re suggesting the wingnuts lack patriotism
Maddow: no - I’m coming right out and saying it
Dionne: they put Obama-hatred before love
of country
Gregory: [ clutches pearls ]
but a Democrat said the GOP was for a Holocaust!
Maddow: that’s normal for the Republicans
Gregory: [ lies down on fainting couch ]
it’s so shrill
[ swoons ]
Brooks: but Limbaugh and Beck don’t even control GOP primary voters - they are loud but weak
Murphy: MSNBC is one-party liberal network
Maddow: Joe Scarborough is on 3 hours a day
Murphy: um um um
Gregory: why is all this shrillness on tv??
Dionne: because idiots like you love to talk about it
Brooks: the crazy people like Palin get all the attention but there is no evidence that she is
really that popular
Murphy: Sarah Palin is an idiot, true, but the lunatics in the GOP don’t really have all that power that they appear to have
Maddow: ok fine guys but she is the most famous Republican and she was the Vice Presidential nominee and she’s linked to a white supremacist
Murphy: oh that’s just guilt by association
Maddow: well she has an association with a white supremacist!
Murphy: harrumph
Gregory: speaking of promoting civility in political debate, I loved my lying smearing Nixon acolyte good friend William Safire - what a cuddly curmudgeon he was
Guests:
Susan Rice - US Ambassdor to the U.N.
***************
Gregory: OMG Iran is going build a nuclear
bomb and kill us all!!!
[ hides under his desk ]
Rice: um, david?
Gregory: [ peers out from under desk ]
yes?
Rice: don’t panic dave - we’re going to force them
to prove they are enriching uranium for the fun of it
Gregory: [ still under desk ]
but I’m so scared
Rice: we’re going to take care of it dave
Gregory: what’s your deadline?
Rice: Friday
Gregory: really?
[ smacks head on desk ] ow!
Rice: no I’m just fucking with you
Gregory: but Charles Krauthammer says you sold out Poland while Iran is going to acquire the bomb!
Rice: I heard you were a moron - but I didn’t
know you were such a hack
Gregory: but they’re so swarthy!
Rice: criminy we build a huge coalition and all you can do is bitch and whine
Gregory: will you cripple Iran?
Rice: yes if we have to
Gregory: when?? I can’t wait!!!
Rice: calm down Fluffy
Gregory: can we please make Iran another
U.S. colony?
Rice: no
Gregory: but the hostage crisis!
Rice: you’re weird
Gregory: 8 soldiers were killed in Afghanistan today
Rice: it’s not all tea and crumpets
Gregory: why doesn’t Obama just listen to Generals with all their pretty medals
Rice: Look Bush fucked up for 7 years and we’re trying to fix it
Gregory: that may be but why can’t he Grant
The Wishes of His Commanders like that Genie in Alladdin?
Rice: Obama is the damm President and he looks
at the whole global Effort and he won’t just do whatever one general somewhere wants - otherwise McChrystal would be the President
Gregory: well he is a handsome white man
Rice: um yeah
Gregory: will we stay in Afghanistan forever and ever
Rice: maybe forever
Gregory: but not ever!
Rice: hey we have to battle crazy people in southeastern Asia, Africa, the Middle East
and Alaska
Gregory: by failing to occupy Afghanistan permanently you’re surrendering to the
Lefty hippies!
Rice: stop crying
Gregory: did Obama make a mistake trying to get
the Olympics?
Rice: Obama will never apologize for America even
if it means being bashed by stupid pundits
Gregory: the U.N. is just a parade of brown people criticizing America and that gives me a sad
Rice: what a big baby you are
[ break ]
Gregory: Will Obama fulfill his pledge to stay in Afghanistan forever and ever and ever and ever
Brooks: I’m scared that Obama may not permanently occupy that remote mountainous desert nation
Maddow: they don’t want to lose Afghanistan which a good liberal war but not get trapped in a quagmire which is a bad liberal war
Murphy: Obama should never have invaded Afghanistan
Dionne: you are very silly person
Brooks: it would be a moral tragedy if we were to
let the Taliban take over their own country
Maddow: that’s stupid
Murphy: we need to put in 100,000 more troops to save the Afghanistan from itself
Dionne: yeah you and Brooks such a military experts
Gregory: OMG SNL had biting satire in a skit that said Obama hasn’t accomplished anything!!!
Maddow: you got to be fucking kidding me
Gregory: but The Left hates Obama’s failure to fix Bush’s mistakes!!
Maddow: I am critical of Obama too but that’s ridiculous
Gregory: oh no the Obama unemployment!
Brooks: Obama promised we would be at 7% unemployment by now
Maddow: that’s a lie
Brooks: we overspent for 30 years - this proves
we need to elect more Republicans
Murphy: around the kitchen table people complain about the Obama stimulus package
Dionne: that’s total bullshit
Gregory: Obama bailed out the banks!
Dionne: no that’s another lie
Brooks: In addition to being a noted liar and military expert I also haz a smart on economically money things
Murphy: Obama should have worked with Republicans and admitted he is an Indonesian
Witch Doctor from Britain
Maddow: ha ha ha
Gregory: Obama totally failed to get
the Olympics
Maddow: It was disgusting to see the right wingers cheering for America to fail
Murphy: oh now you’re suggesting the wingnuts lack patriotism
Maddow: no - I’m coming right out and saying it
Dionne: they put Obama-hatred before love
of country
Gregory: [ clutches pearls ]
but a Democrat said the GOP was for a Holocaust!
Maddow: that’s normal for the Republicans
Gregory: [ lies down on fainting couch ]
it’s so shrill
[ swoons ]
Brooks: but Limbaugh and Beck don’t even control GOP primary voters - they are loud but weak
Murphy: MSNBC is one-party liberal network
Maddow: Joe Scarborough is on 3 hours a day
Murphy: um um um
Gregory: why is all this shrillness on tv??
Dionne: because idiots like you love to talk about it
Brooks: the crazy people like Palin get all the attention but there is no evidence that she is
really that popular
Murphy: Sarah Palin is an idiot, true, but the lunatics in the GOP don’t really have all that power that they appear to have
Maddow: ok fine guys but she is the most famous Republican and she was the Vice Presidential nominee and she’s linked to a white supremacist
Murphy: oh that’s just guilt by association
Maddow: well she has an association with a white supremacist!
Murphy: harrumph
Gregory: speaking of promoting civility in political debate, I loved my lying smearing Nixon acolyte good friend William Safire - what a cuddly curmudgeon he was
This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 4, 2009
This Week With George Stephanopoulos
October 4, 2009
Guests:
Alan Greenspan
Sen. Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Cornyn (R-Texas)
**************
Stephanopoulos: wow we’ve lost 7 million jobs - now let’s talk to the man who made it all happen
Greenspan: my deep learning tells me that this
is awful
Stephanopoulos: wow
Greenspan: the reason that is bad is that the economy suffers
Stephanopoulos: people too
Greenspan: what makes people great are a great economy with many capital assets
Stephanopoulos: what’s the solution?
Greenspan: there’s a silver lining - businesses thought the economy would be so bad that they
fired all their employees prematurely
Stephanopoulos: Premature capitulation
Greenspan: indeed
Stephanopoulos: what should Obama do?
Greenspan: fix the economy
Stephanopoulos: what else?
Greenspan: cut taxes
Stephanopoulos: what about another stimulus?
Greenspan: no because it’s already working and
it has failed
Stephanopoulos: do you have a newsletter?
Greenspan: this is what a recovery looks like
Stephanopoulos: increasing unemployment?
Greenspan: right
Stephanopoulos: should we help suffering unemployed people?
Greenspan: yes but only to prevent people from storming Wall Street with pitchforks and torches
Stephanopoulos: okay
Stephanopoulos: should we reform health care?
Greenspan: no because we’re borrowing too much money
Stephanopoulos: oh well that’s too bad
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: talk economy to me Chuckles
Schumer: we’re going to extend unemployment benefits
Cornyn: damm right lots and lots of people in Texas are unemployed!
Stephanopoulos: do we need another stimulus?
Cornyn: unemployed Americans are really really scared that Washington is just going to throw money at the problem
Schumer: you could reform health care
Cornyn: we should send every American a COBRA
Schumer: good idea but it’s a very expensive program
Cornyn: no an actual cobra - snake handling is
an accepted practice in Texas
Stephanopoulos: Senator Crapo had a crappy idea
Schumer: shocking
Cornyn: the whole point should be to lower costs - and keep Wellness Accounts like at Whole Foods
Stephanopoulos: What the hell are you talking about?
Schumer: Do Republicans understand employers can take away your coverage now?
Cornyn: no!
Schumer: yes!
Stephanopoulos: All Hail President Snowe!
Cornyn: the government will take over Medicare, increase prices, kill the elderly, and promote cannibalism
Schumer: Orrin Hatch wants to exempt people with magic underwear - how is that a plan?
Cornyn: Jim Bunning found out that the bill misplaced $11 billion by exempting Bill Gates
Schumer: Oh yes the noted reasoned intellectual Jim Bunning
Stephanopoulos: so Chucky can you pass a bill
or not?
Schumer: we’re going to pass a public option and we need it dammit
Cornyn: how many times do we have to say it - a public option would be too popular and so many people would enroll in it that they would lose their private insurance and be stuck with the public plan which they would hate
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming idiots
October 4, 2009
Guests:
Alan Greenspan
Sen. Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Cornyn (R-Texas)
**************
Stephanopoulos: wow we’ve lost 7 million jobs - now let’s talk to the man who made it all happen
Greenspan: my deep learning tells me that this
is awful
Stephanopoulos: wow
Greenspan: the reason that is bad is that the economy suffers
Stephanopoulos: people too
Greenspan: what makes people great are a great economy with many capital assets
Stephanopoulos: what’s the solution?
Greenspan: there’s a silver lining - businesses thought the economy would be so bad that they
fired all their employees prematurely
Stephanopoulos: Premature capitulation
Greenspan: indeed
Stephanopoulos: what should Obama do?
Greenspan: fix the economy
Stephanopoulos: what else?
Greenspan: cut taxes
Stephanopoulos: what about another stimulus?
Greenspan: no because it’s already working and
it has failed
Stephanopoulos: do you have a newsletter?
Greenspan: this is what a recovery looks like
Stephanopoulos: increasing unemployment?
Greenspan: right
Stephanopoulos: should we help suffering unemployed people?
Greenspan: yes but only to prevent people from storming Wall Street with pitchforks and torches
Stephanopoulos: okay
Stephanopoulos: should we reform health care?
Greenspan: no because we’re borrowing too much money
Stephanopoulos: oh well that’s too bad
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: talk economy to me Chuckles
Schumer: we’re going to extend unemployment benefits
Cornyn: damm right lots and lots of people in Texas are unemployed!
Stephanopoulos: do we need another stimulus?
Cornyn: unemployed Americans are really really scared that Washington is just going to throw money at the problem
Schumer: you could reform health care
Cornyn: we should send every American a COBRA
Schumer: good idea but it’s a very expensive program
Cornyn: no an actual cobra - snake handling is
an accepted practice in Texas
Stephanopoulos: Senator Crapo had a crappy idea
Schumer: shocking
Cornyn: the whole point should be to lower costs - and keep Wellness Accounts like at Whole Foods
Stephanopoulos: What the hell are you talking about?
Schumer: Do Republicans understand employers can take away your coverage now?
Cornyn: no!
Schumer: yes!
Stephanopoulos: All Hail President Snowe!
Cornyn: the government will take over Medicare, increase prices, kill the elderly, and promote cannibalism
Schumer: Orrin Hatch wants to exempt people with magic underwear - how is that a plan?
Cornyn: Jim Bunning found out that the bill misplaced $11 billion by exempting Bill Gates
Schumer: Oh yes the noted reasoned intellectual Jim Bunning
Stephanopoulos: so Chucky can you pass a bill
or not?
Schumer: we’re going to pass a public option and we need it dammit
Cornyn: how many times do we have to say it - a public option would be too popular and so many people would enroll in it that they would lose their private insurance and be stuck with the public plan which they would hate
Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming idiots
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Meet the Press with Bill Clinton - September 27, 2009
Guests:
Bill Clinton
Sen. Jim Webb
Sen. John Kyl
Gov. David Paterson
***********************
Gregory: What should we do with Iran?
Bill Clinton: Obama got Medvedev and the French all on board - it’s very impressive
Gregory: so do we go to war or appease them entirely?
Clinton: neither
Gregory: do you know what’s going on there?
Clinton: I know the Secretary of State in passing
Gregory: [ serious face ]
Clinton: and then there are the Chinese-
Gregory: do you like my serious face?
Clinton: it’s very nice
Gregory: so war with Iran - yes or no?
Clinton: we should look them in the eye and seduce them
Gregory: should we put 50,000 more troops in Afghanistan?
Clinton: maybe - we should do enough to take down al qaeda and the Taliban and also put in a democracy
Gregory: so how do we decide to launch a new war in this far off remote place?
Clinton: whether or not they hold a run-off election
Gregory: that seems quite peculiar
Clinton: nobody said running an empire while pretending you aren’t was easy
Gregory: fascinating
Clinton: there are Ghosts of Vietnam
Gregory: ooh we should get those Ghost Hunters from the SyFy channel to help!
Clinton: that’s a good idea [ scribbles on a napkin ]
Clinton: this is an away-game for the US military
Gregory: all this would be much easier if you could fight all our wars here in the US
Clinton: plus civil wars make much better tv shows
[ Clinton plays mournful fiddle ]
Gregory: what threat does Al Qaeda pose to the US anyway?
Clinton: they have proven that they can hijack three out of four planes in one day
Gregory: but nothing since then
Clinton: see how diabolical they are?
Gregory: since you left the Presidency you have been very focused on girls and women
Clinton: indeed
Gregory: what have you accomplished?
Clinton: we’ve saved 48 million lives and helped 200 million people
Gregory: yeah but you’ve never been on Dancing with the Stars
Clinton: yeah but dude if I did I would win and you know it
Gregory: is Obama lying by not telling people that he’s going to raise taxes?
Clinton: so you are taking an editorial position and then accusing him of lying by not agreeing with David Gregory’s position?
Gregory: that’s right
Clinton: what if he’s right and you’re wrong - wouldn’t that make you deceitful?
Gregory: [ looks confused ]
Clinton: Hillary told me you are a moron
Gregory: but the taxes!!
Clinton: calm down fluffy
Gregory: has Obama failed to sell government?
Clinton: they only thing he needs to do is deliver results
Gregory: has he asked for your help?
Clinton: sure but he’s pretty fucking smart
Gregory: is there a vast right wing hate machine?
Clinton: you bet - they accused me of murder and Obama of being the Kenyan Stalin
Gregory: so much fun
Clinton: but it’s not good for the Republican party to just be associated with screaming people waving pictures of Obama as an African witch doctor
Gregory: with there be another 1994?
Gregory: no because there are more Hispanic voters, 8 years of bad Bush years and Obama didn’t take on the gun lobby
Gregory: will you run for President again?
Clinton: I would be awesome [ daydreaming ]
Gregory: so yes?
Clinton: no that’s for Hillary now - I never knew being a free agent traveling the world would be so much damm fun
[ break ]
Gregory: Senator should we be terrified of Iran?
Kyl: talk is useless - we need to attack Iran now!!
Webb: look we’ve got Russia and Europe on board that’s a huge advance
Kyl: Iran is clearly planning on putting a nuke on a missile and hitting Kansas
Gregory: yikes
Kyl: the easy solution is to overthrow the government of Iran
Webb: he’s damm lunatic
Gregory: Ahmedinejad?
Webb: no Senator Kyl
Gregory: we all know that
Kyl: oh sure we could impose sanctions or whatever but we’ll probably need to go to war
Gregory: McChrystal says he needs thousands of more troops
Webb: sure but-
Gregory: OMG we need more troops now!!!
Webb: look fluffy Obama is right to ask exactly what we’re trying to accomplish and how we’re going to do it
Gregory: but the general has got such a nice uniform
Webb: we don’t want to be an occupying power but Afghanistan has never had a national army
Gregory: you want to impose a deadline
Webb: no I want to think very carefully before we commit to building a new nation in a mountainous desert nation of religious fanatics
Kyl: leave Utah out of this
Gregory: Condi Rice says if we don’t put in 40,000 more troops it will lead to another 9/11
Kyl: and she would know!
Webb: oh for god’s sake - are we know responsible for turning Afghanistan into a democratic paradise?
Gregory: but we defeated al qaeda in Iraq!
Webb: they weren’t there until we showed up!
Gregory: but-
Webb: and they left before the Surge!
Kyl: yeah but Al Qaeda is in Afghanistan and they love it there - and we can’t take any time to make the perfect decision - we need to rush headlong into an Asian war without thinking about it!
Webb: hey it’s only the opinion of one general who just got there
Gregory: did Obama make a mistake in doing the right thing on Gitmo?
Webb: jesus you really are fucker
[ break ]
Gregory: Governor Paterson Obama really knee-capped you
Paterson: the President never told me directly not to run
Gregory: c’mon didn’t the White House say don’t run
Paterson: well a lot of people have told me not to run
Gregory: was the White House one of them?
Paterson: maybe
Gregory: were you stunned that Obama told you not to run?
Paterson: I’m blind but not oblivious
Gregory: I see
Paterson: well I’m running for Governor anyway
Gregory: why are your polls so low?
Paterson: because we’re running out of money and I had to cut $30 billion
Gregory: 80% of New Yorkers don’t like you
Paterson: hey I bravely appointed a Lt. Governor
Gregory: wow
Paterson: I’ve been fighting the odds all my life dammit
Gregory: do you blame race for your bad press?
Paterson: no I don’t I think people should dislike me for many many other reasons
Gregory: Gov how will you balance the budget?
Paterson: I already did fluffy
Gregory: but you have a deficit
Paterson: hey at least I’m not cutting child care or letting people out of prison early like some other action-movie-bodybuilder governors I could mention
Gregory: before we go Governor do you like my hair?
[ fluffs hair ]
Paterson: It’s lovely David
Bill Clinton
Sen. Jim Webb
Sen. John Kyl
Gov. David Paterson
***********************
Gregory: What should we do with Iran?
Bill Clinton: Obama got Medvedev and the French all on board - it’s very impressive
Gregory: so do we go to war or appease them entirely?
Clinton: neither
Gregory: do you know what’s going on there?
Clinton: I know the Secretary of State in passing
Gregory: [ serious face ]
Clinton: and then there are the Chinese-
Gregory: do you like my serious face?
Clinton: it’s very nice
Gregory: so war with Iran - yes or no?
Clinton: we should look them in the eye and seduce them
Gregory: should we put 50,000 more troops in Afghanistan?
Clinton: maybe - we should do enough to take down al qaeda and the Taliban and also put in a democracy
Gregory: so how do we decide to launch a new war in this far off remote place?
Clinton: whether or not they hold a run-off election
Gregory: that seems quite peculiar
Clinton: nobody said running an empire while pretending you aren’t was easy
Gregory: fascinating
Clinton: there are Ghosts of Vietnam
Gregory: ooh we should get those Ghost Hunters from the SyFy channel to help!
Clinton: that’s a good idea [ scribbles on a napkin ]
Clinton: this is an away-game for the US military
Gregory: all this would be much easier if you could fight all our wars here in the US
Clinton: plus civil wars make much better tv shows
[ Clinton plays mournful fiddle ]
Gregory: what threat does Al Qaeda pose to the US anyway?
Clinton: they have proven that they can hijack three out of four planes in one day
Gregory: but nothing since then
Clinton: see how diabolical they are?
Gregory: since you left the Presidency you have been very focused on girls and women
Clinton: indeed
Gregory: what have you accomplished?
Clinton: we’ve saved 48 million lives and helped 200 million people
Gregory: yeah but you’ve never been on Dancing with the Stars
Clinton: yeah but dude if I did I would win and you know it
Gregory: is Obama lying by not telling people that he’s going to raise taxes?
Clinton: so you are taking an editorial position and then accusing him of lying by not agreeing with David Gregory’s position?
Gregory: that’s right
Clinton: what if he’s right and you’re wrong - wouldn’t that make you deceitful?
Gregory: [ looks confused ]
Clinton: Hillary told me you are a moron
Gregory: but the taxes!!
Clinton: calm down fluffy
Gregory: has Obama failed to sell government?
Clinton: they only thing he needs to do is deliver results
Gregory: has he asked for your help?
Clinton: sure but he’s pretty fucking smart
Gregory: is there a vast right wing hate machine?
Clinton: you bet - they accused me of murder and Obama of being the Kenyan Stalin
Gregory: so much fun
Clinton: but it’s not good for the Republican party to just be associated with screaming people waving pictures of Obama as an African witch doctor
Gregory: with there be another 1994?
Gregory: no because there are more Hispanic voters, 8 years of bad Bush years and Obama didn’t take on the gun lobby
Gregory: will you run for President again?
Clinton: I would be awesome [ daydreaming ]
Gregory: so yes?
Clinton: no that’s for Hillary now - I never knew being a free agent traveling the world would be so much damm fun
[ break ]
Gregory: Senator should we be terrified of Iran?
Kyl: talk is useless - we need to attack Iran now!!
Webb: look we’ve got Russia and Europe on board that’s a huge advance
Kyl: Iran is clearly planning on putting a nuke on a missile and hitting Kansas
Gregory: yikes
Kyl: the easy solution is to overthrow the government of Iran
Webb: he’s damm lunatic
Gregory: Ahmedinejad?
Webb: no Senator Kyl
Gregory: we all know that
Kyl: oh sure we could impose sanctions or whatever but we’ll probably need to go to war
Gregory: McChrystal says he needs thousands of more troops
Webb: sure but-
Gregory: OMG we need more troops now!!!
Webb: look fluffy Obama is right to ask exactly what we’re trying to accomplish and how we’re going to do it
Gregory: but the general has got such a nice uniform
Webb: we don’t want to be an occupying power but Afghanistan has never had a national army
Gregory: you want to impose a deadline
Webb: no I want to think very carefully before we commit to building a new nation in a mountainous desert nation of religious fanatics
Kyl: leave Utah out of this
Gregory: Condi Rice says if we don’t put in 40,000 more troops it will lead to another 9/11
Kyl: and she would know!
Webb: oh for god’s sake - are we know responsible for turning Afghanistan into a democratic paradise?
Gregory: but we defeated al qaeda in Iraq!
Webb: they weren’t there until we showed up!
Gregory: but-
Webb: and they left before the Surge!
Kyl: yeah but Al Qaeda is in Afghanistan and they love it there - and we can’t take any time to make the perfect decision - we need to rush headlong into an Asian war without thinking about it!
Webb: hey it’s only the opinion of one general who just got there
Gregory: did Obama make a mistake in doing the right thing on Gitmo?
Webb: jesus you really are fucker
[ break ]
Gregory: Governor Paterson Obama really knee-capped you
Paterson: the President never told me directly not to run
Gregory: c’mon didn’t the White House say don’t run
Paterson: well a lot of people have told me not to run
Gregory: was the White House one of them?
Paterson: maybe
Gregory: were you stunned that Obama told you not to run?
Paterson: I’m blind but not oblivious
Gregory: I see
Paterson: well I’m running for Governor anyway
Gregory: why are your polls so low?
Paterson: because we’re running out of money and I had to cut $30 billion
Gregory: 80% of New Yorkers don’t like you
Paterson: hey I bravely appointed a Lt. Governor
Gregory: wow
Paterson: I’ve been fighting the odds all my life dammit
Gregory: do you blame race for your bad press?
Paterson: no I don’t I think people should dislike me for many many other reasons
Gregory: Gov how will you balance the budget?
Paterson: I already did fluffy
Gregory: but you have a deficit
Paterson: hey at least I’m not cutting child care or letting people out of prison early like some other action-movie-bodybuilder governors I could mention
Gregory: before we go Governor do you like my hair?
[ fluffs hair ]
Paterson: It’s lovely David
This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 27, 2009
Guests:
Secretary of Defense Bob Gates
Senator John McCain
**********************
Stephanopoulos: Bob do we more troops in Afghanistan or not?
Gates: Gen. McChrystal has now told us that Afghanistan really really really sucks
Stephanopoulos: and this was news to you?
Gates: it came as a complete surprise
Stephanopoulos: how can you hold an election in a place run religious fundamentalists and other assorted lunatics and total wackos?
Gates: I’m not here to talk about Florida
Stephanopoulos: right
Stephanopoulos: is there a rift between the uniformed military and Team Obama?
Gates: no not at all - Obama can bring all people together
Stephanopoulos: but waiting to surge may be putting our soldiers at risk!
Gates: in a war zone? - oh no!
Stephanopoulos: so how do we destroy the Taliban?
Gates: we have to be really close to the ground - maybe underneath it
Stephanopoulos: how many people do we need to kill?
Gates: but George it’s not just about killing - it’s about a new approach and a strategy
Stephanopoulos: like what?
Gates: make new friends by painting smiley faces on our missile-firing drones
Stephanopoulos: ah
Stephanopoulos: what will success in Afghanistan look like?
Gates: it will look like what we’ve done in Iraq
Stephanopoulos: a widely despised occupying power trapped in a quagmire?
Gates: but with soft ice cream!
Stephanopoulos: Will Obama apologize to Iran?
Gates: let me quote the President: fuck that shit
Stephanopoulos: but maybe the Iranians have a peaceful nulear program
Gates: well then why not let IAEA inspectors in like Saddam did?
Stephanopoulos: look how well that turned out for him
Gates: fair point
Stephanopoulos: Iran is close to break-out!
Gates: that means they have enough uranium to later enrich if they could do it and then later hypothetically build a bomb
Stephanopoulos: maybe
Gates: we’re seeing destabilization in Iran like we haven’t seen since the US overthrew the government the last time
Stephanopoulos: fascinating
Gates: severe sanctions might lead to an Iranian revolution
Stephanopoulos: that should work out great
Gates: I’m looking forward to it
Stephanopoulos: what about Gitmo?
Gates: it’s a happy place
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: do you still think Gitmo should be closed?
McCain: yes but I what I really want to do is whine that Obama is doing everything right but that’s still bad
Stephanopoulos: I’m not following
McCain: Gitmo makes the U.S. look brutal and that’s bad but - let’s not rush into our new non-brutal image
Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan?
McCain: I would remind you that Iraq was in flames and in total chaos almost as bad as Afghanistan and the surge worked
Stephanopoulos: wow it sure sounds like our empire-building is really going great
McCain: our friends in the region are getting nervous
Stephanopoulos: what friends?
McCain: our new allies like al qaeda
Stephanopoulos: ever since Obama became President we realized that debt is bad and our troops are very stressed
McCain: the best way to relieve the stress on our troops is put them back in combat and let them win
Stephanopoulos: really?
McCain: our troops are very fragile and it will be 10 years before they recover mentally if we don’t kick more ass in Afghanistan
Stephanopoulos: don’t our troops just want to come home to their families?
McCain: no they want to stay forever and ever or they will be very depressed for a decade or two
Stephanopoulos: if you say so
McCain: [ crazy laughter ]
Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan is way fucked up
McCain: even the President’s brother is an embarrassment
Stephanopoulos: but that’s normal in American politics - Billy, Roger, Marvin
McCain: exactly
McCain: look I get that crazy lefties don’t want a wasteful 10-year war but Abraham Lincoln burned Atlanta which proves you can’t make a freedom omelette without breaking a few thousands eggs
Stephanopoulos: well put
*******************************
Secretary of Defense Bob Gates
Senator John McCain
**********************
Stephanopoulos: Bob do we more troops in Afghanistan or not?
Gates: Gen. McChrystal has now told us that Afghanistan really really really sucks
Stephanopoulos: and this was news to you?
Gates: it came as a complete surprise
Stephanopoulos: how can you hold an election in a place run religious fundamentalists and other assorted lunatics and total wackos?
Gates: I’m not here to talk about Florida
Stephanopoulos: right
Stephanopoulos: is there a rift between the uniformed military and Team Obama?
Gates: no not at all - Obama can bring all people together
Stephanopoulos: but waiting to surge may be putting our soldiers at risk!
Gates: in a war zone? - oh no!
Stephanopoulos: so how do we destroy the Taliban?
Gates: we have to be really close to the ground - maybe underneath it
Stephanopoulos: how many people do we need to kill?
Gates: but George it’s not just about killing - it’s about a new approach and a strategy
Stephanopoulos: like what?
Gates: make new friends by painting smiley faces on our missile-firing drones
Stephanopoulos: ah
Stephanopoulos: what will success in Afghanistan look like?
Gates: it will look like what we’ve done in Iraq
Stephanopoulos: a widely despised occupying power trapped in a quagmire?
Gates: but with soft ice cream!
Stephanopoulos: Will Obama apologize to Iran?
Gates: let me quote the President: fuck that shit
Stephanopoulos: but maybe the Iranians have a peaceful nulear program
Gates: well then why not let IAEA inspectors in like Saddam did?
Stephanopoulos: look how well that turned out for him
Gates: fair point
Stephanopoulos: Iran is close to break-out!
Gates: that means they have enough uranium to later enrich if they could do it and then later hypothetically build a bomb
Stephanopoulos: maybe
Gates: we’re seeing destabilization in Iran like we haven’t seen since the US overthrew the government the last time
Stephanopoulos: fascinating
Gates: severe sanctions might lead to an Iranian revolution
Stephanopoulos: that should work out great
Gates: I’m looking forward to it
Stephanopoulos: what about Gitmo?
Gates: it’s a happy place
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: do you still think Gitmo should be closed?
McCain: yes but I what I really want to do is whine that Obama is doing everything right but that’s still bad
Stephanopoulos: I’m not following
McCain: Gitmo makes the U.S. look brutal and that’s bad but - let’s not rush into our new non-brutal image
Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan?
McCain: I would remind you that Iraq was in flames and in total chaos almost as bad as Afghanistan and the surge worked
Stephanopoulos: wow it sure sounds like our empire-building is really going great
McCain: our friends in the region are getting nervous
Stephanopoulos: what friends?
McCain: our new allies like al qaeda
Stephanopoulos: ever since Obama became President we realized that debt is bad and our troops are very stressed
McCain: the best way to relieve the stress on our troops is put them back in combat and let them win
Stephanopoulos: really?
McCain: our troops are very fragile and it will be 10 years before they recover mentally if we don’t kick more ass in Afghanistan
Stephanopoulos: don’t our troops just want to come home to their families?
McCain: no they want to stay forever and ever or they will be very depressed for a decade or two
Stephanopoulos: if you say so
McCain: [ crazy laughter ]
Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan is way fucked up
McCain: even the President’s brother is an embarrassment
Stephanopoulos: but that’s normal in American politics - Billy, Roger, Marvin
McCain: exactly
McCain: look I get that crazy lefties don’t want a wasteful 10-year war but Abraham Lincoln burned Atlanta which proves you can’t make a freedom omelette without breaking a few thousands eggs
Stephanopoulos: well put
*******************************
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Meet the Press with Barack Obama - September 20, 2009
Meet the Press
September 20, 2009
Guests:
Barack Obama
Eugene Robinson
Roger Simon
*****************
Gregory: welcome and thank you for coming President Barack - do you like my hair?
Obama: tick tock, dipshit
Gregory: sorry - Bam what exactly is your health care plan?
Obama: cut premiums, eliminate pre-existing conditions, fewer costs, cap out-of-pocket expenses and be deficit neutral
Gregory: what unpopular things will you do?
Obama: I’ve already made alot of tough choices
Gregory: like you finally told those dirty public option-loving hippies to fuck off - and I loved it!
Obama: no I didn’t liar
Gregory: ok so what will you do people will hate?
Obama: I’m going to force people to buy health insurance
Gregory: yeah but that’s easy - health insurance is cheap
Obama: no it isn’t
Gregory: [ blow drys hair ] sorry what?
Obama: and I conceded on tort reform and many other Republican ideas
Gregory: but when are you really taking on the dirty leftist hippies???
Obama: maybe you haven’t been paying attention but I gave the GOP everything they wanted!
Gregory: but you haven’t resigned!
Obama: um,, no
Gregory: or put hippies in internment camps where they belong!
Obama: give me another six months
Gregory: is Jimmy Carter right that all your opponents are racists?
Obama: no - some of them are just out of their fucking minds
Gregory: but just to be clear are you saying there is no racism in America or that everyone in America is a racist?
Obama: Rahm Emmanuel told me you were a moron
Gregory: but you’re blackness is so controversial!
Obama: this is catnip to idiots like you
Gregory: could this lead to violence?
Obama: let me put it this way
[ punches Gregory in the face ]
Gregory: ow!
Obama: the loud crazy person seems to get all the attention from the media these days
Gregory: but we have to cover famous mentally ill people -- that's people are talking about!
Obama: i suppose the first Congressman to call me a nigger will get on the cover of Time magazine
Gregory: i can see it now - "Racist or Just Having Fun?"
Obama: apparently the easiest way to get on tv is be a rude obnoxious asshole
Gregory: not all the protestors were like that
Obama: I was talking about you
Gregory: oh that gives me a sad
Obama: calm down Fluffy
Gregory: Afghanistan?
Obama: we’re going to kick al-qaeda ass and if we can’t do that then we’re going to get out
Gregory: who is going to win the World Series?
Obama: the fucking White Sox
Gregory: but they suck
Obama: ok the damm Yankees
Gregory: ooooh
[ break ]
Gregory: Boner - I dare you to say something non-stupid
Boehner: Big Government arble garble
Gregory: are you conservatives all racists?
Boehner: Big Govgarble babaabbaabafrmf merrrgle
Graham: Obama accused Republicans of lying so we had to call him a Nazi
Gregory: but Grassley really was a liar
Lindsay: the President is clearly an unhinged lunatic screaming all the time and being all combative by saying he wouldn’t tolerate liars - that was a slap in the face to the GOP
Gregory: no offense but you people come across as frankly crazy and we’re all worried about another Oklahoma City
Lindsay: well people carrying guns and committing bombings is quite understandable when Obama is proposing a very high budget
Gregory: that justifies calling Obama Hitler?
Bohener: cap and trade - people are scared to death!!
Gregory: to death?? over that??
Boehner: he’s a socialist and he’s going to destroy the country and people are really really really scared!!
Gregory: George Bush left this country a wreck and all you can do is scream about Marxist and compare Obama to Pol Pot
Boehner: no we have great ideas like ending malpractice lawsuits and letting people buy health insurance on the market
Gregory: that’s it?
Boehner: Obama never invites me to the White House
[ starts sobbing ]
Gregory: don’t cry boney
Boehner: this plan will fail
Gregory: so what the fuck are you crying about?
Boehner: [ sniffles]
he needs to hit the reset button
Gregory: Lindy what does the President need to do ?
Graham: he needs to get off the tv and give the Republicans what they want
Gregory: why is Obama failing?
Graham: he keeps telling people what they want to hear and that’s why people are rejecting him
Gregory: tell me about Afghanistan
Graham: we need to leave with security and honor and then hand it all off to that loser Karzai
Boehner: [ sobbing ]
all he talks about is going after al qaeda that is a very big change and I’m very concerned
Gregory: stop crying for god’s sake
Boehner: but there’s something amiss here
[ wipes tears ]
Gregory: Obama rejected missile defense which doesn’t work
Graham: it’s a total capitulation to the Russians and Iran and we’ve abandoned the little Czechs
Gregory: speaking of sleazey Republicans what about Sanford?
Graham: if we get rid of him they’ll just be another one
Gregory: hey Tom DeLay is Dancing with the Czars - what a second act!
Boehner: you should go on with Karl Rove
Gregory: that would be so cool!
[ break ]
Gregory: Eugene Robinson you say that a lot of the teabagging weirdos are racists
Robinson: undoubtedly - every time you go to one of these rallies the nuts show up claiming he shouldn’t even be President and he's a British-Indonesian Muslim born in Kenya
Gregory: but people said also Bush was not legitimately elected
Robinson: well he wasn’t it
Gregory: and they attacked Clinton and said he wasn’t legitimate
Robinson: that was irrational too
Simon: Jimmy Carter is a fucker - we’re not going to heal racial wounds by pointing out that insane lunatics have been relentlessly attacking the President and send each photoshopped e-mails of Obama as an African witch doctor
Gregory: Has Obama failed to sell government?
Simon: Obama believes entirely in Big Government - that’s who he is
Robinson: jesus people come to rallies bashing government health care and they are on Medicare - they’re completely crazy
Gregory: Is Obama right that the media is full of fuckers?
Simon: we cover bullshit because we brings the truth to the people
Robinson: it’s hypocritical to say the media are shallow and stupid and then go on tv
Gregory: Obama knee-cappped Gov. Paterson!
Simon: shocking - what happened to melanin-solidarity!?
Gregory: Huckabee 2012!!
Robinson: yeah good luck with that
*****************
September 20, 2009
Guests:
Barack Obama
Eugene Robinson
Roger Simon
*****************
Gregory: welcome and thank you for coming President Barack - do you like my hair?
Obama: tick tock, dipshit
Gregory: sorry - Bam what exactly is your health care plan?
Obama: cut premiums, eliminate pre-existing conditions, fewer costs, cap out-of-pocket expenses and be deficit neutral
Gregory: what unpopular things will you do?
Obama: I’ve already made alot of tough choices
Gregory: like you finally told those dirty public option-loving hippies to fuck off - and I loved it!
Obama: no I didn’t liar
Gregory: ok so what will you do people will hate?
Obama: I’m going to force people to buy health insurance
Gregory: yeah but that’s easy - health insurance is cheap
Obama: no it isn’t
Gregory: [ blow drys hair ] sorry what?
Obama: and I conceded on tort reform and many other Republican ideas
Gregory: but when are you really taking on the dirty leftist hippies???
Obama: maybe you haven’t been paying attention but I gave the GOP everything they wanted!
Gregory: but you haven’t resigned!
Obama: um,, no
Gregory: or put hippies in internment camps where they belong!
Obama: give me another six months
Gregory: is Jimmy Carter right that all your opponents are racists?
Obama: no - some of them are just out of their fucking minds
Gregory: but just to be clear are you saying there is no racism in America or that everyone in America is a racist?
Obama: Rahm Emmanuel told me you were a moron
Gregory: but you’re blackness is so controversial!
Obama: this is catnip to idiots like you
Gregory: could this lead to violence?
Obama: let me put it this way
[ punches Gregory in the face ]
Gregory: ow!
Obama: the loud crazy person seems to get all the attention from the media these days
Gregory: but we have to cover famous mentally ill people -- that's people are talking about!
Obama: i suppose the first Congressman to call me a nigger will get on the cover of Time magazine
Gregory: i can see it now - "Racist or Just Having Fun?"
Obama: apparently the easiest way to get on tv is be a rude obnoxious asshole
Gregory: not all the protestors were like that
Obama: I was talking about you
Gregory: oh that gives me a sad
Obama: calm down Fluffy
Gregory: Afghanistan?
Obama: we’re going to kick al-qaeda ass and if we can’t do that then we’re going to get out
Gregory: who is going to win the World Series?
Obama: the fucking White Sox
Gregory: but they suck
Obama: ok the damm Yankees
Gregory: ooooh
[ break ]
Gregory: Boner - I dare you to say something non-stupid
Boehner: Big Government arble garble
Gregory: are you conservatives all racists?
Boehner: Big Govgarble babaabbaabafrmf merrrgle
Graham: Obama accused Republicans of lying so we had to call him a Nazi
Gregory: but Grassley really was a liar
Lindsay: the President is clearly an unhinged lunatic screaming all the time and being all combative by saying he wouldn’t tolerate liars - that was a slap in the face to the GOP
Gregory: no offense but you people come across as frankly crazy and we’re all worried about another Oklahoma City
Lindsay: well people carrying guns and committing bombings is quite understandable when Obama is proposing a very high budget
Gregory: that justifies calling Obama Hitler?
Bohener: cap and trade - people are scared to death!!
Gregory: to death?? over that??
Boehner: he’s a socialist and he’s going to destroy the country and people are really really really scared!!
Gregory: George Bush left this country a wreck and all you can do is scream about Marxist and compare Obama to Pol Pot
Boehner: no we have great ideas like ending malpractice lawsuits and letting people buy health insurance on the market
Gregory: that’s it?
Boehner: Obama never invites me to the White House
[ starts sobbing ]
Gregory: don’t cry boney
Boehner: this plan will fail
Gregory: so what the fuck are you crying about?
Boehner: [ sniffles]
he needs to hit the reset button
Gregory: Lindy what does the President need to do ?
Graham: he needs to get off the tv and give the Republicans what they want
Gregory: why is Obama failing?
Graham: he keeps telling people what they want to hear and that’s why people are rejecting him
Gregory: tell me about Afghanistan
Graham: we need to leave with security and honor and then hand it all off to that loser Karzai
Boehner: [ sobbing ]
all he talks about is going after al qaeda that is a very big change and I’m very concerned
Gregory: stop crying for god’s sake
Boehner: but there’s something amiss here
[ wipes tears ]
Gregory: Obama rejected missile defense which doesn’t work
Graham: it’s a total capitulation to the Russians and Iran and we’ve abandoned the little Czechs
Gregory: speaking of sleazey Republicans what about Sanford?
Graham: if we get rid of him they’ll just be another one
Gregory: hey Tom DeLay is Dancing with the Czars - what a second act!
Boehner: you should go on with Karl Rove
Gregory: that would be so cool!
[ break ]
Gregory: Eugene Robinson you say that a lot of the teabagging weirdos are racists
Robinson: undoubtedly - every time you go to one of these rallies the nuts show up claiming he shouldn’t even be President and he's a British-Indonesian Muslim born in Kenya
Gregory: but people said also Bush was not legitimately elected
Robinson: well he wasn’t it
Gregory: and they attacked Clinton and said he wasn’t legitimate
Robinson: that was irrational too
Simon: Jimmy Carter is a fucker - we’re not going to heal racial wounds by pointing out that insane lunatics have been relentlessly attacking the President and send each photoshopped e-mails of Obama as an African witch doctor
Gregory: Has Obama failed to sell government?
Simon: Obama believes entirely in Big Government - that’s who he is
Robinson: jesus people come to rallies bashing government health care and they are on Medicare - they’re completely crazy
Gregory: Is Obama right that the media is full of fuckers?
Simon: we cover bullshit because we brings the truth to the people
Robinson: it’s hypocritical to say the media are shallow and stupid and then go on tv
Gregory: Obama knee-cappped Gov. Paterson!
Simon: shocking - what happened to melanin-solidarity!?
Gregory: Huckabee 2012!!
Robinson: yeah good luck with that
*****************
This Week with George Stephanolopous with Barack Obama - September 20, 2009
This Week with George Stephanolopous
September 20, 2009
Guest: President Barack Obama
****************
Stephanolopous: are you going to raise taxes on middle class families?
Obama: the blood sucking insurers already impose their own vampire tax on every American!
Stephanolopous: that is true but-
Obama: we’re going to cover everyone and not add to the deficit
Stephanolopous: how?
Obama: I’m going to nuke Maine and Montana
Stephanolopous: but the higher taxes!
Obama: we’re going to set up a pool for health care exchange with tax credits and make people have health insurance
Stephanolopous: that’s a tax increase!
Obama: no it isn’t
Stephanolopous: yes it is!
Obama: hey dipshit no one can opt-out health care in the ER so we all bear that cost
Stephanolopous: but Merriam-Webster!
Obama: you’re so fucking desperate to call it a tax increase you ran to the dictionary like a big baby
Stephanolopous: but your critics say-
Obama: -say I’m motherfucking Hitler and Stalin Mao and Kanye West all in one - who gives a fuck?!?
Stephanolopous: will you cut Medicare Advantage?
Obama: only for white people
Stephanolopous: are you very angry for Jimmy Carter saying there are racists when we all know racism is gone forever?
Obama: look idiot I know there are lot of racists and fools out there but I think even racists will take health care from a black man when they’re dying!
Stephanolopous: people are terrified you impose a White Person Tax
Obama: by the time my Presidency is done I’m going to get the Teabaggers join the fucking NAACP they’re going to love black people so much!
Stephanolopous: so you don’t hate your critics?
Obama: no we all love America and are all patriots
Stephanolopous: [ puts flag pin on forehead ]
Obama: nice flag dood
Stephanolopous: will you cut off funding for ACORN?
Obama: oh for pete’s sake - what a weasel you are
Stephanolopous: but ACORN-
Obama: no one gives a shit but Fox News asshole
Stephanolopous: ok Afghanistan
Obama: finally a real question
Stephanolopous: how do we win?
Obama: we’re going to crack some fucking skulls
Stephanolopous: tell me about when you realized you are a terrible president
Obama: not to be immodest but there have been times when I realized that I am a little too awesome
Stephanolopous: that must be hard
Obama: of course it’s hard to break through all the Nazi-talk
Stephanolopous: what do you mean
Obama: it’s easy to get on tv if you are rude and stupid
Stephanolopous: that’s not a nice thing to say about Charlie Gibson
Obama: fuck him
Stephanolopous: thanks for talking to me
Obama: shithead
*********************************
September 20, 2009
Guest: President Barack Obama
****************
Stephanolopous: are you going to raise taxes on middle class families?
Obama: the blood sucking insurers already impose their own vampire tax on every American!
Stephanolopous: that is true but-
Obama: we’re going to cover everyone and not add to the deficit
Stephanolopous: how?
Obama: I’m going to nuke Maine and Montana
Stephanolopous: but the higher taxes!
Obama: we’re going to set up a pool for health care exchange with tax credits and make people have health insurance
Stephanolopous: that’s a tax increase!
Obama: no it isn’t
Stephanolopous: yes it is!
Obama: hey dipshit no one can opt-out health care in the ER so we all bear that cost
Stephanolopous: but Merriam-Webster!
Obama: you’re so fucking desperate to call it a tax increase you ran to the dictionary like a big baby
Stephanolopous: but your critics say-
Obama: -say I’m motherfucking Hitler and Stalin Mao and Kanye West all in one - who gives a fuck?!?
Stephanolopous: will you cut Medicare Advantage?
Obama: only for white people
Stephanolopous: are you very angry for Jimmy Carter saying there are racists when we all know racism is gone forever?
Obama: look idiot I know there are lot of racists and fools out there but I think even racists will take health care from a black man when they’re dying!
Stephanolopous: people are terrified you impose a White Person Tax
Obama: by the time my Presidency is done I’m going to get the Teabaggers join the fucking NAACP they’re going to love black people so much!
Stephanolopous: so you don’t hate your critics?
Obama: no we all love America and are all patriots
Stephanolopous: [ puts flag pin on forehead ]
Obama: nice flag dood
Stephanolopous: will you cut off funding for ACORN?
Obama: oh for pete’s sake - what a weasel you are
Stephanolopous: but ACORN-
Obama: no one gives a shit but Fox News asshole
Stephanolopous: ok Afghanistan
Obama: finally a real question
Stephanolopous: how do we win?
Obama: we’re going to crack some fucking skulls
Stephanolopous: tell me about when you realized you are a terrible president
Obama: not to be immodest but there have been times when I realized that I am a little too awesome
Stephanolopous: that must be hard
Obama: of course it’s hard to break through all the Nazi-talk
Stephanolopous: what do you mean
Obama: it’s easy to get on tv if you are rude and stupid
Stephanolopous: that’s not a nice thing to say about Charlie Gibson
Obama: fuck him
Stephanolopous: thanks for talking to me
Obama: shithead
*********************************
Sunday, September 13, 2009
60 Minutes with Barack Obama - September 13, 2009
*************
Kroft: you finally resorted to using your jedi mind powers on Congress this week
Obama: it was a last resort
Kroft: can you get GOP votes
Obama: i'm still black - so no
Kroft: you said in your campaign you could get crazy people to agree with each other
Obama: well when i was young i unified white people from Kansas and Africans but the GOP in Congress are out of their fucking minds
Kroft: are you willing to cap malpractice judgments?
Obama: it might help medical practice or not
Kroft: i meant for journalists
Obama: oh
Kroft: the trial lawyers own Congress
Obama: fuck you
Kroft: well that's what the GOP says
Obama: dick
Kroft: you promised the moon and to do it for free
Obama: that's right
Kroft: how can we have health care and pay for it?
Obama: because, stupid, we are already spending the money right now - we're just wasting it
Kroft: you are a crazy big spending liberal
Obama: fuck you
Kroft: you nationalized the auto industry
Obama: no really fuck off
Kroft: but
Obama: fuck. off.
Kroft: but
Obama: Bush was the fucking socialist not me
Kroft: but i get the sense that some people are just worn out with the idea of your melanin
Obama: that's true
Kroft: i mean it's fatiguing every day we wake up the President is still a damm negro
Obama: i know i know
Kroft: people ask you - michael jackson changed his skin color why can't you?
Obama: people do ask that
Kroft: so why not do it?
Obama: MJ was a loon
Kroft: he had a gold casket!
Obama: uh huh
Kroft: Bush brought us the unity of 9/11 and you divided the nation
Obama: yeah
Kroft: were you surprised Joe Wilson yelled out at you?
Obama: yeah I'm black in America - it was a total shock
Kroft: what happened next?
Obama: he followed me around a department store
Kroft: this is a fascinating story
Obama: no it takes away from the debate on health care
Kroft: health care brings out the worst in people
Obama: no the real controversy is helping people and not purposefully killing them
Kroft: so you failed to bring civility back to Washington
Obama: let me put it this way - fuck you
***************************
Kroft: you finally resorted to using your jedi mind powers on Congress this week
Obama: it was a last resort
Kroft: can you get GOP votes
Obama: i'm still black - so no
Kroft: you said in your campaign you could get crazy people to agree with each other
Obama: well when i was young i unified white people from Kansas and Africans but the GOP in Congress are out of their fucking minds
Kroft: are you willing to cap malpractice judgments?
Obama: it might help medical practice or not
Kroft: i meant for journalists
Obama: oh
Kroft: the trial lawyers own Congress
Obama: fuck you
Kroft: well that's what the GOP says
Obama: dick
Kroft: you promised the moon and to do it for free
Obama: that's right
Kroft: how can we have health care and pay for it?
Obama: because, stupid, we are already spending the money right now - we're just wasting it
Kroft: you are a crazy big spending liberal
Obama: fuck you
Kroft: you nationalized the auto industry
Obama: no really fuck off
Kroft: but
Obama: fuck. off.
Kroft: but
Obama: Bush was the fucking socialist not me
Kroft: but i get the sense that some people are just worn out with the idea of your melanin
Obama: that's true
Kroft: i mean it's fatiguing every day we wake up the President is still a damm negro
Obama: i know i know
Kroft: people ask you - michael jackson changed his skin color why can't you?
Obama: people do ask that
Kroft: so why not do it?
Obama: MJ was a loon
Kroft: he had a gold casket!
Obama: uh huh
Kroft: Bush brought us the unity of 9/11 and you divided the nation
Obama: yeah
Kroft: were you surprised Joe Wilson yelled out at you?
Obama: yeah I'm black in America - it was a total shock
Kroft: what happened next?
Obama: he followed me around a department store
Kroft: this is a fascinating story
Obama: no it takes away from the debate on health care
Kroft: health care brings out the worst in people
Obama: no the real controversy is helping people and not purposefully killing them
Kroft: so you failed to bring civility back to Washington
Obama: let me put it this way - fuck you
***************************
Meet the Press - September 13, 2009
Meet the Press
September 13, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Durbin
Sen. Cornyn
Howard Dean
Newt Gingrich
********************
Gregory: Dick what will Congress give us on
health care reform?
Durbin: we are going to enact reform and we’ll pass it over the dead rotting corpse of the GOP
Gregory: are going to go for the brass ring or
settle for tiny gains?
Durbin: the big one Greggers - believe it fucker
Gregory: will I have a free facelift by turkey day?
Durbin: pencil it in Fluffy
Cornyn: What do Obama’s plan and his birth certificate have in common?
Gregory: I don’t know
Cornyn: no has seen either one
Gregory: ha
Cornyn: Obama has only paid lip service to
GOP ideas
Gregory: he gave you everything you wanted!
Cornyn: but only in a speech!
Gregory: what if they were in the law?
Cornyn: it would still be a boon the Democratic party so no I could never support it
Dean: We are going to pass a law and it’s going to
be awesome
Gregory: by ramming it through!
Dean: ram this Fluffy
Gingrich: sure Obama said he hates illegals but where are the internment camps, I ask you?!?
Dean: I just remembered something - no one gives a shit what Newt Gingrich thinks
Gregory: let’s all have a good beltway laugh at the idea of hippies and their little public option
Durbin: I heard you are were a moron - it’s all
over town
Gingrich: that’s true
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] but it can’t pass
the senate!!
Durbin: yes it can
Gregory: but the Crazy Left!!!
Dean: can it Fluffers
Cornyn: Obama cannot guarantee you will never lose your health insurance!!!
Gregory: but that can happen now!
Cornyn: yeah but it won’t because there is no decent alternative
Gregory: Rep. Wilson had an insane outburst
- did that help or hurt?
Cornyn: this is not the time for Wilson to act crazy
or for Dems to point out that he is crazy
Gregory: Obama is going to break the deficit!!!
Dean: we’re already giving massive subsidies
to health insurers now stupid
Gingrich: elderly Americans are getting high quality government health care now - which is why we can never had government health care
Dean: we’re a great nation - of course we can do this!
Gregory: [ screaming] you’re going to raise taxes!
Dean: you want to yell dancin’ dave - let’s do it!!! Yeeeaaaah!!
Cornyn: Obama will cut health care for the elderly and raise taxes
Gregory: so will you pledge to never ever ever raise taxes?
Durbin: you know Dave Obama’s plan will permit brain transplants which is good news for you
Gregory: oh my god Obama is going to make me buy health insurance - what say you Newt Gingrich!!
Gingrich: indeed this is incredibly dangerous - when taxes go up dramatically America will perish
Gregory: middle-class Americans should be allowed to go without health insurance to prove this is great country!
Dean: well then maybe we should have a
public option
Gregory: but the Hippies!!
Durbin: Jesus Christ Gregory - sick poor people go to emergency rooms to get treatment now - what the fuck is your problem??
Cornyn: it’s easy to provide free health care in white state like Vermont but Texas has a lot of brown people and it’s difficult to provide universal care while weeding them out at the same time
Gregory: what’s the solution?
Cornyn: private for-profit health care has white bias so it works very well
[ break ]
Gregory: Todd is Obama back in control?
Todd: yes - and in fact he’s got the GOP scared
Gregory: I was so impressed by how cuddly John Cornyn was this morning
Todd: he’s one of their most articulate and best looking morons
Gregory: Rep. Wilson is crazy and is against government take-over of health insurers and their beloved bureaucrats
Todd: indeed
Gregory: this is a truly unified grass-roots bunch of bought-and-paid-for lunatics
Burnett: well the GOP needs to do something or it will kill businesses
Ramo: Obama’s got to lead and compromise at the same time
Gregory: why can’t Obama solve the problem of health care easily and without costs??
Todd: indeed they are trying
Burnett: they are going to raise taxes probably on the rich
Gregory: please tell me that public option is dead
Todd: they will put a gun to the head of the insurers to keep them in line
Gregory: Josh it turns out that unemployment is bad - it’s another 9/11 - it’s scary!!
Ramo: it’s terrifying
Gregory: oh my fucking god!!
Ramo: we’re worse than Europe!
Gregory: [ sobs ]
Burnett: Obama says we can recover with green jobs
Gregory: except for Van Jones who they fired
Ramo: those jobs are going boys and they aren’t coming back
Gregory: oh noe
Ramo: short answer: we’re fucked
Gregory: that’s bad in an election year
Todd: indeed in response to a crisis they created we must elect more Republicans
Ramo: we just hit an all-time record of people who just can’t get a job at all
Gregory: they should become talk show whores
Ramo: and the gambling on Wall Street is worse
than ever
Burnett: Housing prices are going to down another 25% with 50% under water
Gregory: [ gurgle ]
Todd: the good news is that Congress will address housing problem but the bad news is that Congress will address the housing problem
Gregory: Should Obama call Derek Jeter and ask him over for a beer ? He’s such a cool guy!
Burnett: you have a man-crush - that’s cute
Todd: fuck that shit - only the Yankees could make a national story of a Yankee breaking a Yankee record
Gregory: [ thumbs tiger beat magazine ]
Well that’s all we have for this week - Derek call me let’s hang
***************
September 13, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Durbin
Sen. Cornyn
Howard Dean
Newt Gingrich
********************
Gregory: Dick what will Congress give us on
health care reform?
Durbin: we are going to enact reform and we’ll pass it over the dead rotting corpse of the GOP
Gregory: are going to go for the brass ring or
settle for tiny gains?
Durbin: the big one Greggers - believe it fucker
Gregory: will I have a free facelift by turkey day?
Durbin: pencil it in Fluffy
Cornyn: What do Obama’s plan and his birth certificate have in common?
Gregory: I don’t know
Cornyn: no has seen either one
Gregory: ha
Cornyn: Obama has only paid lip service to
GOP ideas
Gregory: he gave you everything you wanted!
Cornyn: but only in a speech!
Gregory: what if they were in the law?
Cornyn: it would still be a boon the Democratic party so no I could never support it
Dean: We are going to pass a law and it’s going to
be awesome
Gregory: by ramming it through!
Dean: ram this Fluffy
Gingrich: sure Obama said he hates illegals but where are the internment camps, I ask you?!?
Dean: I just remembered something - no one gives a shit what Newt Gingrich thinks
Gregory: let’s all have a good beltway laugh at the idea of hippies and their little public option
Durbin: I heard you are were a moron - it’s all
over town
Gingrich: that’s true
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] but it can’t pass
the senate!!
Durbin: yes it can
Gregory: but the Crazy Left!!!
Dean: can it Fluffers
Cornyn: Obama cannot guarantee you will never lose your health insurance!!!
Gregory: but that can happen now!
Cornyn: yeah but it won’t because there is no decent alternative
Gregory: Rep. Wilson had an insane outburst
- did that help or hurt?
Cornyn: this is not the time for Wilson to act crazy
or for Dems to point out that he is crazy
Gregory: Obama is going to break the deficit!!!
Dean: we’re already giving massive subsidies
to health insurers now stupid
Gingrich: elderly Americans are getting high quality government health care now - which is why we can never had government health care
Dean: we’re a great nation - of course we can do this!
Gregory: [ screaming] you’re going to raise taxes!
Dean: you want to yell dancin’ dave - let’s do it!!! Yeeeaaaah!!
Cornyn: Obama will cut health care for the elderly and raise taxes
Gregory: so will you pledge to never ever ever raise taxes?
Durbin: you know Dave Obama’s plan will permit brain transplants which is good news for you
Gregory: oh my god Obama is going to make me buy health insurance - what say you Newt Gingrich!!
Gingrich: indeed this is incredibly dangerous - when taxes go up dramatically America will perish
Gregory: middle-class Americans should be allowed to go without health insurance to prove this is great country!
Dean: well then maybe we should have a
public option
Gregory: but the Hippies!!
Durbin: Jesus Christ Gregory - sick poor people go to emergency rooms to get treatment now - what the fuck is your problem??
Cornyn: it’s easy to provide free health care in white state like Vermont but Texas has a lot of brown people and it’s difficult to provide universal care while weeding them out at the same time
Gregory: what’s the solution?
Cornyn: private for-profit health care has white bias so it works very well
[ break ]
Gregory: Todd is Obama back in control?
Todd: yes - and in fact he’s got the GOP scared
Gregory: I was so impressed by how cuddly John Cornyn was this morning
Todd: he’s one of their most articulate and best looking morons
Gregory: Rep. Wilson is crazy and is against government take-over of health insurers and their beloved bureaucrats
Todd: indeed
Gregory: this is a truly unified grass-roots bunch of bought-and-paid-for lunatics
Burnett: well the GOP needs to do something or it will kill businesses
Ramo: Obama’s got to lead and compromise at the same time
Gregory: why can’t Obama solve the problem of health care easily and without costs??
Todd: indeed they are trying
Burnett: they are going to raise taxes probably on the rich
Gregory: please tell me that public option is dead
Todd: they will put a gun to the head of the insurers to keep them in line
Gregory: Josh it turns out that unemployment is bad - it’s another 9/11 - it’s scary!!
Ramo: it’s terrifying
Gregory: oh my fucking god!!
Ramo: we’re worse than Europe!
Gregory: [ sobs ]
Burnett: Obama says we can recover with green jobs
Gregory: except for Van Jones who they fired
Ramo: those jobs are going boys and they aren’t coming back
Gregory: oh noe
Ramo: short answer: we’re fucked
Gregory: that’s bad in an election year
Todd: indeed in response to a crisis they created we must elect more Republicans
Ramo: we just hit an all-time record of people who just can’t get a job at all
Gregory: they should become talk show whores
Ramo: and the gambling on Wall Street is worse
than ever
Burnett: Housing prices are going to down another 25% with 50% under water
Gregory: [ gurgle ]
Todd: the good news is that Congress will address housing problem but the bad news is that Congress will address the housing problem
Gregory: Should Obama call Derek Jeter and ask him over for a beer ? He’s such a cool guy!
Burnett: you have a man-crush - that’s cute
Todd: fuck that shit - only the Yankees could make a national story of a Yankee breaking a Yankee record
Gregory: [ thumbs tiger beat magazine ]
Well that’s all we have for this week - Derek call me let’s hang
***************
This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 13, 2009
September 13, 2009
Guests:
HHS Secretary Sebelius
Sen. Rockefeller
Sen. Landrieu
Gov. Pawlenty
*********************
Stephanolopous: Tim are you really a
crazy Tenther?
Pawlenty: no but Mitt Romney is an idiot so
that proves that Obama is a failure
Stephanolopous: I don’t follow
Stephanolopous: we need to recognize that the federal government lacks the resources to run a large scale health care system - they should leave that to sophisticated entities like Alabama
Sebelius: yeah that makes sense
Stephanolopous: can’t we just get rid of the
public health care option
Rockefeller: no we really need a public option - it’s the only thing that can work
Stephanolopous: Mary so what’s wrong with
a public option?
Landrieu: it would be too successful
Stephanolopous: why is that bad?
Landrieu: it would hurt health insurers who have given me a lot of money
Stephanolopous: what about President Snowe’s trigger idea?
Landrieu: no that is a bad idea too - we have to
give for-profit insurers to get this right
Stephanolopous: they haven’t had a chance for the last 50 years yet?
Landrieu: no they’ve been forced to act like rapacious blood-suckers but now we let them be nice - Free the Insurers!
Stephanolopous: abortions for none and
mini-American flags for all?
Pawlenty: we must force poor women to keep
their little fetuses
Sebelius: oh absolutely - it’s like we’re doing them
a favor
Landrieu: I agree with the fetus-americans but this is a real crisis - and it’s expensive and we must do something and we must do something now!
Stephanolopous: except an affordable public option
Landrieu: yeah except for that
Pawlenty: Why would we trust the same people who brought us Medicaid and Medicare to create more health care programs - that’s crazy!!!
Stephanolopous: but those are very successful
and enormously popular
Pawlenty: that’s my point - do you know how much this would hurt the Republicans?!?
Rockefeller: dimwit
Pawlenty: Obama wants to cut Medicare
for the elderly!!
Sebelius: that’s a lie - we’ve had sting operations
in Detroit
Stephanolopous: how did that go
Sebelius: it was great - it had Redford and Newman and a score by Marvin Hamlisch
Stephanolopous: excellent
Landrieu: we’re not going to cut money from Medicare
Stephanolopous: but what if Pawlenty is right
and you did?
Pawlenty: it just won’t work [ waves picture of Obama with Hitler mustache ]
Landrieu: jesus and people think I’m a hack
Pawlenty: Medicare is going bankrupt!
Rockefeller: the fucking Ophthalmology lobby
owns Congress
Stephanolopous: Rep. Wilson acted like a total jackass this week - so let’s spend time addressing his racist concerns
Sebelius: look the law requiring people to carry papers and language to create the new concentration camps for illegals is all spelled
out in the bill
Pawlenty: Republicans believe in small government - so we need a new national secret police force checking people’s identity papers
Stephanolopous: everyone would have to carry biometric ID all the time or risk dying in ER?
Pawlenty: no not all -- they would be arrested too
Stephanolopous: I don’t know if the American people will go for that
Pawlenty: why do you hate liberty and freedom?
[ puts on Lee Greenwood pin ]
Stephanolopous:
[ puts on giant flag pin on his forehead ]
I’m just saying it seems to put the burden on
people to prove they are citizens which is not in the American tradition
Pawlenty: it would only apply to brown people
Stephanolopous: oh well ok then
****************
Guests:
HHS Secretary Sebelius
Sen. Rockefeller
Sen. Landrieu
Gov. Pawlenty
*********************
Stephanolopous: Tim are you really a
crazy Tenther?
Pawlenty: no but Mitt Romney is an idiot so
that proves that Obama is a failure
Stephanolopous: I don’t follow
Stephanolopous: we need to recognize that the federal government lacks the resources to run a large scale health care system - they should leave that to sophisticated entities like Alabama
Sebelius: yeah that makes sense
Stephanolopous: can’t we just get rid of the
public health care option
Rockefeller: no we really need a public option - it’s the only thing that can work
Stephanolopous: Mary so what’s wrong with
a public option?
Landrieu: it would be too successful
Stephanolopous: why is that bad?
Landrieu: it would hurt health insurers who have given me a lot of money
Stephanolopous: what about President Snowe’s trigger idea?
Landrieu: no that is a bad idea too - we have to
give for-profit insurers to get this right
Stephanolopous: they haven’t had a chance for the last 50 years yet?
Landrieu: no they’ve been forced to act like rapacious blood-suckers but now we let them be nice - Free the Insurers!
Stephanolopous: abortions for none and
mini-American flags for all?
Pawlenty: we must force poor women to keep
their little fetuses
Sebelius: oh absolutely - it’s like we’re doing them
a favor
Landrieu: I agree with the fetus-americans but this is a real crisis - and it’s expensive and we must do something and we must do something now!
Stephanolopous: except an affordable public option
Landrieu: yeah except for that
Pawlenty: Why would we trust the same people who brought us Medicaid and Medicare to create more health care programs - that’s crazy!!!
Stephanolopous: but those are very successful
and enormously popular
Pawlenty: that’s my point - do you know how much this would hurt the Republicans?!?
Rockefeller: dimwit
Pawlenty: Obama wants to cut Medicare
for the elderly!!
Sebelius: that’s a lie - we’ve had sting operations
in Detroit
Stephanolopous: how did that go
Sebelius: it was great - it had Redford and Newman and a score by Marvin Hamlisch
Stephanolopous: excellent
Landrieu: we’re not going to cut money from Medicare
Stephanolopous: but what if Pawlenty is right
and you did?
Pawlenty: it just won’t work [ waves picture of Obama with Hitler mustache ]
Landrieu: jesus and people think I’m a hack
Pawlenty: Medicare is going bankrupt!
Rockefeller: the fucking Ophthalmology lobby
owns Congress
Stephanolopous: Rep. Wilson acted like a total jackass this week - so let’s spend time addressing his racist concerns
Sebelius: look the law requiring people to carry papers and language to create the new concentration camps for illegals is all spelled
out in the bill
Pawlenty: Republicans believe in small government - so we need a new national secret police force checking people’s identity papers
Stephanolopous: everyone would have to carry biometric ID all the time or risk dying in ER?
Pawlenty: no not all -- they would be arrested too
Stephanolopous: I don’t know if the American people will go for that
Pawlenty: why do you hate liberty and freedom?
[ puts on Lee Greenwood pin ]
Stephanolopous:
[ puts on giant flag pin on his forehead ]
I’m just saying it seems to put the burden on
people to prove they are citizens which is not in the American tradition
Pawlenty: it would only apply to brown people
Stephanolopous: oh well ok then
****************
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Obama Address to Congress Sept. 9, 2009
Obama:
Speaker Pelosi, Senator Reid, thanks for inviting to this
our National House of Spineless Jellyfish and Assorted Fuckers!
Obama:
Men, Women, and Lindsay Graham!
Senators Imhofe, Coburn, Vitter, Craig and Rep. Bachman - I haven’t
seen such a bunch of twisted weirdos and cuckoos since that Sid
and Marty Krofft Convention in Zurich!
Bachmann: where’s the birth certificate, barry!?
Obama: hey if American wanted to hear from a batshit crazy lady
they would have voted for Sarah Palin - now shut up
Bachmann: woo
Obama: Ok Congress - I have come here tonight to address you
sad sorry pack of bought-and-paid-for motherfuckers
Baucus: oooh
Obama: do not adjust you tv set - I’m black
Bachmann: oh my
Obama: hey you rich pampered fuckers - we are the only advanced democracy that allows people to die because they are not rich to afford blue crosses motherfucking premiums!
Congress: [standing ovation]
Obama: sit the fuck down
Obama: you can die from motherfuckin’ acne!!
Congress: [standing ovation]
Obama: meanwhile employers can’t afford to buy this wonderful insurance which sucks anyway
Obama: some crazy Leftists think we should be like Canada - but we ain’t no maple syrup eating lumberjacks!
Obama: so maybe we should retain the status quo
Congress: [ standing ovation, applause ]
Obama: get your asses down
Obama: we have done a lot of work and there is that lazy ass motherfucker Max Baucus
Baucus: grrrrr
Obama: hey stupid people - I'm going to repeat this we're going end preexisting conditions, expand coverage, and quality afford colonscopies!
Insurers: up the ass again - awesome
Obama: in 4 years we will create a health insurance exchange funded by tax credits which will be very useful unless you have no income
congress: yay
Obama: and some vague John McCain proposal
McCain: [ rictus grin ]
Obama: so everyone now has to buy health insurance but if you're really poor you will get a special Hardship Waiver
Poor Americans: yippee
Obama: Sarah Palin would be laughable if she weren't trying to destroy the democracy of a great fucking nation!
Congress: yeehaa
Obama: we will not insure illegals!
Congressman: you lie!
Obama: you just bought a one-way ticket to kick-ass town
Obama: i love insurance companies - i just want them to do the right thing
Insurers: good luck with that
Obama: but we could also offer Pubic Option
Craig: Yeeaaahh!!!
Obama: but don't worry - it will be just as evil and ridiculous as regular insurers
Insurers: whew!
Obama: it would like a public university
Insurers: but those are really popular
Obama: but it's for sale so don't worry
Audience: ah
Obama: I agree with Republicans that everyone should get quality health care!!
Republicans: did we say that
Obama: yes you did motherfuckers!
Obama: George fuckin' Bush left me with a whole heap of debt and bullshit!
Cantor [twittering]: mom let me stay up late
Obama: i will not let Republicans destroy Medicare!!
Congress: wheeeeee
Obama: fine you want tort reform you can have it - Katie Sibelius is going to kick that can down the road
Obama: we will spend less than on Stupid's bullshit wars
Bush [at home, drunk]: aww shit fuck you Bammy
Cheney: shut up Stupid
Bush: u shuddup dick
Obama: I will not work with you fucking liars and crazy people anymore - go play somewhere else
Crazies: garble birth certificate erble hitler grrrrrr socialist mmmmmm nigger
Obama: yeah you
Obama: Teddy was right - this was a moral issue
Obama: Ted worked McCain, Hatch, Grassley and other senile white men and they always did what Teddy wanted
Teddy: damm fucking right
Obama: Republicans' obsession with lies and smearing un-american - they are, in other, unpatriotic insane utter brain dead motherfucking lunatics
Congress: [ sustained applause ]
Obama: good night fuckers!!!
************************
Speaker Pelosi, Senator Reid, thanks for inviting to this
our National House of Spineless Jellyfish and Assorted Fuckers!
Obama:
Men, Women, and Lindsay Graham!
Senators Imhofe, Coburn, Vitter, Craig and Rep. Bachman - I haven’t
seen such a bunch of twisted weirdos and cuckoos since that Sid
and Marty Krofft Convention in Zurich!
Bachmann: where’s the birth certificate, barry!?
Obama: hey if American wanted to hear from a batshit crazy lady
they would have voted for Sarah Palin - now shut up
Bachmann: woo
Obama: Ok Congress - I have come here tonight to address you
sad sorry pack of bought-and-paid-for motherfuckers
Baucus: oooh
Obama: do not adjust you tv set - I’m black
Bachmann: oh my
Obama: hey you rich pampered fuckers - we are the only advanced democracy that allows people to die because they are not rich to afford blue crosses motherfucking premiums!
Congress: [standing ovation]
Obama: sit the fuck down
Obama: you can die from motherfuckin’ acne!!
Congress: [standing ovation]
Obama: meanwhile employers can’t afford to buy this wonderful insurance which sucks anyway
Obama: some crazy Leftists think we should be like Canada - but we ain’t no maple syrup eating lumberjacks!
Obama: so maybe we should retain the status quo
Congress: [ standing ovation, applause ]
Obama: get your asses down
Obama: we have done a lot of work and there is that lazy ass motherfucker Max Baucus
Baucus: grrrrr
Obama: hey stupid people - I'm going to repeat this we're going end preexisting conditions, expand coverage, and quality afford colonscopies!
Insurers: up the ass again - awesome
Obama: in 4 years we will create a health insurance exchange funded by tax credits which will be very useful unless you have no income
congress: yay
Obama: and some vague John McCain proposal
McCain: [ rictus grin ]
Obama: so everyone now has to buy health insurance but if you're really poor you will get a special Hardship Waiver
Poor Americans: yippee
Obama: Sarah Palin would be laughable if she weren't trying to destroy the democracy of a great fucking nation!
Congress: yeehaa
Obama: we will not insure illegals!
Congressman: you lie!
Obama: you just bought a one-way ticket to kick-ass town
Obama: i love insurance companies - i just want them to do the right thing
Insurers: good luck with that
Obama: but we could also offer Pubic Option
Craig: Yeeaaahh!!!
Obama: but don't worry - it will be just as evil and ridiculous as regular insurers
Insurers: whew!
Obama: it would like a public university
Insurers: but those are really popular
Obama: but it's for sale so don't worry
Audience: ah
Obama: I agree with Republicans that everyone should get quality health care!!
Republicans: did we say that
Obama: yes you did motherfuckers!
Obama: George fuckin' Bush left me with a whole heap of debt and bullshit!
Cantor [twittering]: mom let me stay up late
Obama: i will not let Republicans destroy Medicare!!
Congress: wheeeeee
Obama: fine you want tort reform you can have it - Katie Sibelius is going to kick that can down the road
Obama: we will spend less than on Stupid's bullshit wars
Bush [at home, drunk]: aww shit fuck you Bammy
Cheney: shut up Stupid
Bush: u shuddup dick
Obama: I will not work with you fucking liars and crazy people anymore - go play somewhere else
Crazies: garble birth certificate erble hitler grrrrrr socialist mmmmmm nigger
Obama: yeah you
Obama: Teddy was right - this was a moral issue
Obama: Ted worked McCain, Hatch, Grassley and other senile white men and they always did what Teddy wanted
Teddy: damm fucking right
Obama: Republicans' obsession with lies and smearing un-american - they are, in other, unpatriotic insane utter brain dead motherfucking lunatics
Congress: [ sustained applause ]
Obama: good night fuckers!!!
************************
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Meet The Press with David Axelrod - September 6, 2009
Meet The Press
September 6, 2009
Guests:
David Axelrod
Tom Brokaw
Tom Friedman
Harold Ford
Rudy Guiliani
****************************
Gregory: Axel R shouldn’t we just start over
with health care?
Axelrod: no we’ve had months of debate and now it’s time to set forth Obama’s ideas and what he’s willing to compromise on
Gregory: people are scared and terrified
of socialism!
Axelrod: well that’s stupid
Gregory: I’m frightened
Axelrod: look fluffy we’re going to offer people
real choices
Gregory: so is Barack going to insist on
a public option?
Axelrod: well it’s like you David Gregory
- it’s an Important Tool
Gregory: that’s not nice
Axelrod: ok a Valuable Tool
Gregory: what’s his idea?
Axelrod: wants an Insurance Exchange - it would like a Gun Show but with Chemotherapy and Vicodin instead of Glock and Smith & Wesson
Gregory: but then you lose moderate Republicans like Olympia Snowe and radical Republicans like Max Baucus
Axelrod: Public option shouldn’t define the whole debate - there’s other good ideas like a cap on out of pocket expenses so sick people would be impoverished but not actually broke
Gregory: Did Obama lose control of the health
care debate?
Axelrod: he thinks if you just do the right
thing results will come
Gregory: ha
Axelrod: we’re going to tell insurers to start
treating people better
Gregory: There is a national firestorm of controversy saying Obama wants to speak to children as a black President
Axelrod: Barack told me you were a moron
Gregory: [high pitched voice ] how did you lose control of the debate - what happened here!?
Axelrod: what happened is some lunatic
somewhere said something and you started hysterically shrieking
Gregory: did Obama fire Van Jones?
Axelrod: yes but once we fire him the wingnuts
will cease their smear campaigns thank god
Gregory: but Van Jones said controversial things!
Axelrod: like demanding the President’s
birth certificate?
Gregory: ha you funny
Gregory: what about Afghanistan?
Axelrod: we’re going to destroy al qaeda!
Gregory: isn’t Obama a hypocrite if he doesn’t pull out of Afghanistan like he called on Bush to pull out of Iraq?
Axelrod: god you’re stupid
Gregory: thanks very much
[ break ]
Gregory: tell me about health care Tommy
Brokaw: OMG TARP and TALF stimulus and auto bailouts and a trillion dollars - it’s all too expensive!
Gregory: Harold you’re the liberal here - so
please bash Obama
Ford: my liberal friends want to spend a lot just to help people - that’s crazy
Gregory: good point
Guiliani: Obama wants to kill grandma and also won’t cut costs
Gregory: right
Guiliani: the best solutions is to have 50 states competing with each other, tax cuts and ending lawsuits
Gregory: wow that’s brilliant
Friedman: once the GOP said Obama wanted to
kill old people that ended the discussion
Gregory: of course
Friedman: I was kidding Greggers - the GOP are
hate filled and evil
Guiliani: Once the President refused to limit lawsuits he basically said he wanted to murder the elderly
Brokaw: half of health care is already government-run
Guiliani: that’s right - the U.S. government is an illegal monopoly!
Audience: we’ve reached Peak Stupid
Ford: the Republicans wouldn’t work with Obama - he tried and they accused him of genocide
Guiliani: they had to say that after he wouldn’t even consider more tax cuts for the rich
Gregory: that’s only fair
Gregory: I hear Obama is going push this through with an anti-democratic majority
Brokaw: the Mayo Clinic wants to be paid for performance - like an extra $100 for life they save
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] bailouts and spending - wow suddenly when a Democrat is President this seems like a lot of money!!
Friedman: why can’t he push a bill through - half of Obama’s proposals are Republican ideas!
Guilaini: look this is very simple - all Obama had to do was propose a massive tax cut and require poor people to spend money on insurance and the GOP would love it
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] OMG Obama has created a firestorm by speaking to students!!
Brokaw: you know Greggers Tim Russert told me you were a true moron
Gregory: but I’m really freaking out here!! this reminds me of when liberals hated George W. Bush
Guiliani: I thinks it’s too bad that Obama has been so controversial it’s sad
Ford: if the President speaking to students is fucking bad I don’t want to be fucking right
Friedman: Fluffy - let me blunt. You Are Flat Out Stupid
Gregory: Anyone would say that Van Jones is
a bad man
Friedman: we live an age of Firestorms and people are held responsible for every stupid thing they twitter
Gregory: [ twittering ]
i think tom friedman sed I am stupid
Brokaw: these darn internets and bloggers - frankly we live in a great Age of Bullshit
Friedman: we’ve been in Afghanistan since 2001 and since a Democrat got elected I just realized that it’s a bad idea!
Gregory: omg that’s scary!
Friedman: we need to win hearts and minds there - and we all know that for America to try that is hopeless
Gregory: Rudy you were Mayor of NYC - tell me about Afghanistan
Guilaini: I like Obama’s plan and support it completely
Audience: dear god
Guilaini: Bush failed by focusing so much on killing people in Iraq and not killing enough people in Afghanistan
Ford: we have an obligation to stay there forever because we love those little Afghans
Brokaw: Afghanistan is a remote disconnected country of crazy tribes
Gregory: so not like the U.S. at all
Guilaini: we have to do whatever it takes to crush terror in a far off land
Gregory: what if it costs as much as health care?
Guilaini: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11
Friedman: misgovernance and corruption and unemployment produce radicalism
Gregory: Is this America or Afghanistan?
*******************
September 6, 2009
Guests:
David Axelrod
Tom Brokaw
Tom Friedman
Harold Ford
Rudy Guiliani
****************************
Gregory: Axel R shouldn’t we just start over
with health care?
Axelrod: no we’ve had months of debate and now it’s time to set forth Obama’s ideas and what he’s willing to compromise on
Gregory: people are scared and terrified
of socialism!
Axelrod: well that’s stupid
Gregory: I’m frightened
Axelrod: look fluffy we’re going to offer people
real choices
Gregory: so is Barack going to insist on
a public option?
Axelrod: well it’s like you David Gregory
- it’s an Important Tool
Gregory: that’s not nice
Axelrod: ok a Valuable Tool
Gregory: what’s his idea?
Axelrod: wants an Insurance Exchange - it would like a Gun Show but with Chemotherapy and Vicodin instead of Glock and Smith & Wesson
Gregory: but then you lose moderate Republicans like Olympia Snowe and radical Republicans like Max Baucus
Axelrod: Public option shouldn’t define the whole debate - there’s other good ideas like a cap on out of pocket expenses so sick people would be impoverished but not actually broke
Gregory: Did Obama lose control of the health
care debate?
Axelrod: he thinks if you just do the right
thing results will come
Gregory: ha
Axelrod: we’re going to tell insurers to start
treating people better
Gregory: There is a national firestorm of controversy saying Obama wants to speak to children as a black President
Axelrod: Barack told me you were a moron
Gregory: [high pitched voice ] how did you lose control of the debate - what happened here!?
Axelrod: what happened is some lunatic
somewhere said something and you started hysterically shrieking
Gregory: did Obama fire Van Jones?
Axelrod: yes but once we fire him the wingnuts
will cease their smear campaigns thank god
Gregory: but Van Jones said controversial things!
Axelrod: like demanding the President’s
birth certificate?
Gregory: ha you funny
Gregory: what about Afghanistan?
Axelrod: we’re going to destroy al qaeda!
Gregory: isn’t Obama a hypocrite if he doesn’t pull out of Afghanistan like he called on Bush to pull out of Iraq?
Axelrod: god you’re stupid
Gregory: thanks very much
[ break ]
Gregory: tell me about health care Tommy
Brokaw: OMG TARP and TALF stimulus and auto bailouts and a trillion dollars - it’s all too expensive!
Gregory: Harold you’re the liberal here - so
please bash Obama
Ford: my liberal friends want to spend a lot just to help people - that’s crazy
Gregory: good point
Guiliani: Obama wants to kill grandma and also won’t cut costs
Gregory: right
Guiliani: the best solutions is to have 50 states competing with each other, tax cuts and ending lawsuits
Gregory: wow that’s brilliant
Friedman: once the GOP said Obama wanted to
kill old people that ended the discussion
Gregory: of course
Friedman: I was kidding Greggers - the GOP are
hate filled and evil
Guiliani: Once the President refused to limit lawsuits he basically said he wanted to murder the elderly
Brokaw: half of health care is already government-run
Guiliani: that’s right - the U.S. government is an illegal monopoly!
Audience: we’ve reached Peak Stupid
Ford: the Republicans wouldn’t work with Obama - he tried and they accused him of genocide
Guiliani: they had to say that after he wouldn’t even consider more tax cuts for the rich
Gregory: that’s only fair
Gregory: I hear Obama is going push this through with an anti-democratic majority
Brokaw: the Mayo Clinic wants to be paid for performance - like an extra $100 for life they save
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] bailouts and spending - wow suddenly when a Democrat is President this seems like a lot of money!!
Friedman: why can’t he push a bill through - half of Obama’s proposals are Republican ideas!
Guilaini: look this is very simple - all Obama had to do was propose a massive tax cut and require poor people to spend money on insurance and the GOP would love it
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] OMG Obama has created a firestorm by speaking to students!!
Brokaw: you know Greggers Tim Russert told me you were a true moron
Gregory: but I’m really freaking out here!! this reminds me of when liberals hated George W. Bush
Guiliani: I thinks it’s too bad that Obama has been so controversial it’s sad
Ford: if the President speaking to students is fucking bad I don’t want to be fucking right
Friedman: Fluffy - let me blunt. You Are Flat Out Stupid
Gregory: Anyone would say that Van Jones is
a bad man
Friedman: we live an age of Firestorms and people are held responsible for every stupid thing they twitter
Gregory: [ twittering ]
i think tom friedman sed I am stupid
Brokaw: these darn internets and bloggers - frankly we live in a great Age of Bullshit
Friedman: we’ve been in Afghanistan since 2001 and since a Democrat got elected I just realized that it’s a bad idea!
Gregory: omg that’s scary!
Friedman: we need to win hearts and minds there - and we all know that for America to try that is hopeless
Gregory: Rudy you were Mayor of NYC - tell me about Afghanistan
Guilaini: I like Obama’s plan and support it completely
Audience: dear god
Guilaini: Bush failed by focusing so much on killing people in Iraq and not killing enough people in Afghanistan
Ford: we have an obligation to stay there forever because we love those little Afghans
Brokaw: Afghanistan is a remote disconnected country of crazy tribes
Gregory: so not like the U.S. at all
Guilaini: we have to do whatever it takes to crush terror in a far off land
Gregory: what if it costs as much as health care?
Guilaini: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11
Friedman: misgovernance and corruption and unemployment produce radicalism
Gregory: Is this America or Afghanistan?
*******************
This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 6, 2009
This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 6, 2009
Guests:
Robert Gibbs
Bob Dole
Tom Daschle
Rep. Maxine Waters
Rep. Mike Pence
**********************
Stephanolopous: Bob Van Jones rang the resign chimes at midnight - is he the victim of a smear campaign?
Gibbs: yes
Stephanolopous: so why quit?
Gibbs: he’s too fiery and black
Stephanolopous: but Obama is black
Gibbs: well that’s all the country can handle
right now
Stephanolopous: Is Obama going to give us some health care details?
Gibbs: right he will draw more lines in the sand than Tom Hanks in Castaway
Stephanolopous: will he work his Jedi magic?
Gibbs: after that speech people will realize that these are not the health insurance reforms they are looking for
Stephanolopous: public option - yes or no?
Gibbs: look even if we enact it it will only an option for a small number of people - we won’t unfairly compete against the happy little insurance companies
Stephanolopous: then it sounds somewhat useless
Gibbs: the government will take the uninsurable off the insurers hands
Stephanolopous: ooh epic win
Gibbs: we’re close to reform and public option is a valuable idea
Stephanolopous: but he won’t veto it a plan
without it
Gibbs: he might
Stephanolopous: but then Obama won’t get
any GOP votes
Gibbs: well then the GOP will be fucked in 2010
Stephanolopous: Senator you are incredibly old and not in office - please bash Obama for me
Dole: this is a nasty 1200 page law - there’s no pudding or Matlock!
Stephanolopous: so what’s the answer?
Dole: back in 1994 we used to say 5 bees for a dollar and I was wearing an onion on my belt that was the style-
Daschle: Bob makes a lot of sense - we have an opportunity to improve health care and provide Americans with a full public pudding option
Stephanolopous: How is preemptively conceding defeat working out for you?
Daschle: oh it’s going great
Stephanolopous: Maxine you are very radical - only 80% of the people support a public option
Waters: with all due respect to Senator Ancient McOldypants I’m actually in the motherfucking Congress
Stephanolopous: Pence you are trying desperately
to stop reform
Pence: not at all - it’s just that my people hate the idea of government running a health plan
Stephanolopous: but the government won’t take over the health care system
Pence: but if you offer business the chance to put their employees on a good plan of course the small business will take it
Stephanolopous: so how is that bad?
Pence: you have no health insurance if your employer can cancel it at any time!
Stephanolopous: but that could happen now!
Pence: yes but all the current options suck so bad - people are stuck with the plan they have- but if a good option is offered they will be doomed to a good government plan!
Stephanolopous: what’s you solution?
Pence: just let people shop around for health insurance like hamburgers or video games
Dashcle: so you oppose it because it would
be popular?
Dole: no we also hate it because it would
hurt insurers
Waters: oh well ok then
Dole: I think we will get a lot of Republicans voting for this bill
Stephanolopous: even with a public option?
Dole: no
Pence: look the whole world is spiraling out of control - we’ve got government taking over national defense, health care for old people, a black president-
Waters: what’s in your bill?
Pence: ending lawsuits against doctors
Stephanolopous: Grouchy - you want Petraeus
for President
Dole: I dunno he reminds me of Ike - not well informed but he looks snappy in a uniform
Stephanolopous: good enough
************
Guests:
Robert Gibbs
Bob Dole
Tom Daschle
Rep. Maxine Waters
Rep. Mike Pence
**********************
Stephanolopous: Bob Van Jones rang the resign chimes at midnight - is he the victim of a smear campaign?
Gibbs: yes
Stephanolopous: so why quit?
Gibbs: he’s too fiery and black
Stephanolopous: but Obama is black
Gibbs: well that’s all the country can handle
right now
Stephanolopous: Is Obama going to give us some health care details?
Gibbs: right he will draw more lines in the sand than Tom Hanks in Castaway
Stephanolopous: will he work his Jedi magic?
Gibbs: after that speech people will realize that these are not the health insurance reforms they are looking for
Stephanolopous: public option - yes or no?
Gibbs: look even if we enact it it will only an option for a small number of people - we won’t unfairly compete against the happy little insurance companies
Stephanolopous: then it sounds somewhat useless
Gibbs: the government will take the uninsurable off the insurers hands
Stephanolopous: ooh epic win
Gibbs: we’re close to reform and public option is a valuable idea
Stephanolopous: but he won’t veto it a plan
without it
Gibbs: he might
Stephanolopous: but then Obama won’t get
any GOP votes
Gibbs: well then the GOP will be fucked in 2010
Stephanolopous: Senator you are incredibly old and not in office - please bash Obama for me
Dole: this is a nasty 1200 page law - there’s no pudding or Matlock!
Stephanolopous: so what’s the answer?
Dole: back in 1994 we used to say 5 bees for a dollar and I was wearing an onion on my belt that was the style-
Daschle: Bob makes a lot of sense - we have an opportunity to improve health care and provide Americans with a full public pudding option
Stephanolopous: How is preemptively conceding defeat working out for you?
Daschle: oh it’s going great
Stephanolopous: Maxine you are very radical - only 80% of the people support a public option
Waters: with all due respect to Senator Ancient McOldypants I’m actually in the motherfucking Congress
Stephanolopous: Pence you are trying desperately
to stop reform
Pence: not at all - it’s just that my people hate the idea of government running a health plan
Stephanolopous: but the government won’t take over the health care system
Pence: but if you offer business the chance to put their employees on a good plan of course the small business will take it
Stephanolopous: so how is that bad?
Pence: you have no health insurance if your employer can cancel it at any time!
Stephanolopous: but that could happen now!
Pence: yes but all the current options suck so bad - people are stuck with the plan they have- but if a good option is offered they will be doomed to a good government plan!
Stephanolopous: what’s you solution?
Pence: just let people shop around for health insurance like hamburgers or video games
Dashcle: so you oppose it because it would
be popular?
Dole: no we also hate it because it would
hurt insurers
Waters: oh well ok then
Dole: I think we will get a lot of Republicans voting for this bill
Stephanolopous: even with a public option?
Dole: no
Pence: look the whole world is spiraling out of control - we’ve got government taking over national defense, health care for old people, a black president-
Waters: what’s in your bill?
Pence: ending lawsuits against doctors
Stephanolopous: Grouchy - you want Petraeus
for President
Dole: I dunno he reminds me of Ike - not well informed but he looks snappy in a uniform
Stephanolopous: good enough
************
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