Sunday, August 02, 2015

Meet the Press – August 2, 2015

Donald Trump
Reince Priebus
Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
Charles Ramsey – Philadelphia Chief of Police
Dr. Ben Carson
Chris Matthews - MSNBC
Helene Cooper - NYT
Kathleen Parker – Washington Post
Gerald Seib – WSJ

Todd: I'm Chuck Todd and
welcome to Meet the Press

Todd: this is not your average sleepy Sunday!

Todd: if you love politics or are a
junkie this is the show for you

Todd: holy shit Joe Biden might run for President!

Todd: and great news for Donald
Trump - he's in first place with 19 percent

Paul: Christie, Perry, Cruz, Huckabee,
and Kasich are all the single digits

Todd: not everyone gets into the debate

Todd: Trump will be in the center
flanked by his backup singers
Scott Walker and Jeb Bush

Todd: Chris Christie ekes out the
last place but Rick Perry is out
because the debate doesn't go to 11

Todd: Trump is downplaying expectations

Trump: I'm not a master debater

Todd: Kasich says the debate is
like a getting into a NASCAR
race with a driver who's drunk

Walker: I'm gonna ignore Trump

Todd: you can't ignore Trump!

Todd: candidates will only have
60 seconds to answer which plays
to the strengths of a man whose
entire campaign is offensive soundbites

Christie: I will punch Donald Trump!

[ break ]

Todd: Donald Trump has deigned
to talk to us on the phone

Todd: welcome Mr Trump

Trump: make it quick Eddie – I'm busy

Todd: why are you so popular?

Trump: I have a wonderful life
and am very rich and very classy

Todd: okay

Trump: the hispanic types in particular
love me because I am big tipper

Todd: you also have the
highest unfavorable rating

Trump: I am very popular in Iowa and
New Hampshire and Nevada and everywhere

Todd: you downplayed your
expectations which you usually never do

Trump: well I'm not a master debater

Todd: I'm not either I swear

Trump: I want to be real and
fabulous and I just want to be me

Todd: you do you

Trump: I have to be me

Todd: who is you?

Trump: an ignorant buffoonish asshole

Todd: but authentic

Trump: I don't have pollsters
or donors or ideas

Todd: you sure are different

Trump: I think I know the
subjects but I don't know

Todd: how would you advise
people to debate you?

Trump: I'm a nice guy!

Todd: of course you are

Trump: people say that all the time!

Todd: so you won't attack first?

Trump: no I'd rather discuss the issues
but I read that my opponents have pollsters
who are feeding them lines to attack me

Todd: bastards

Trump: in which case I will
have to point out they have
poultry manure in their heads

Todd: when are we going to see
a single specific proposal from you?

Trump: I specific plans which
will set the country back

Todd: good to know

Trump: we have to take back
jobs from Japan and Vietnam

Todd: all right

Trump: real unemployment is 21%
and it's very unfair that the media
never reports that Obama started
the recession in 2007

Todd: I see

Trump: we need more jobs
and we also need good-paying jobs

Todd: you have so many good ideas

Trump: we need to restore 
our manufacturing base

Todd: what's your opinion on Biden or Clinton?

Trump: Hillary is the worst
Secretary of State in U.S. history

Todd: not Calhoun?

Trump: what she did is worse
than General Petraeus so she belongs in jail

Todd: of course

Trump: she would be easy
for me to beat especially if she's in prison

Todd: what about white cops
shooting unarmed black people
is that a crisis in America?

Trump: we need to give power
back to the police because
crime is rampant

Todd: actually it isn't

Trump: cities need strong police!

Todd: what more powers to
police need that they don't have
to kill on sight?

Trump: police jobs' are being 
taken away from them!

Todd: oh okay

Trump: there is turmoil in our country!

Todd: can you understand why
black people don't trust police?

Trump: maybe a little but we have
to give power back to the police!

Todd: that's your answer?

Trump: and we must have law and order!

Todd: somewhere dogs are howling

Trump: we must give strength and
power and control back to the police

Dogs: oooooowwwwww

Trump: we have a tremendous crime
wave and killing wave across America!

Trump: there's always going to
be bad apples but we must give
police power to kill anyone anywhere
or we'll have total chaos!

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Reince Priebus

Todd: you want Trump to pledge
not to run as a third-party candidate

Priebus: it only makes sense if
you're running for the Republican nomination

Todd: is Donald Trump hurting
the image of the Republican party?

Priebus: Trump has nothing to
do with the Republican party

Todd: you wish

Priebus: we'll have nominee by March or April

Todd: that would be a quick nomination

Priebus: I'm hopeful

Todd: so best case scenario
you're stuck with Trump for the
next eight months

Priebus: oh god [start sobbing ]

Todd: you tried to take control
over the debate process and it's total chaos

Priebus: this happens all the time
Jon Huntsman didn't make a debate

Todd: who?

Priebus: the RNC got a say in
who the moderators are – we win!

Todd: uh-huh

Priebus: the media are private
entities – what can we do?

[ break ]

Todd: Trump is trying to be a nice guy


Todd: it's like he's setting us up and trump us by being reasonable

Parker: right – he's playing 
with media expectations

Jeb: Trump has tapped into the anger that we don't enforce laws in America

Todd: Trump is toning it down and now 
Jeb is toning down the anti-Trump rhetoric

Cooper: it's so weird – Jeb wants Trump 
to be crazy so he can look reasonable

Parker: but if Trump comes out looking moderate he's going to make Jeb fade into the background like beige wallpaper

Todd: conservatives think Jeb is a wimp

Seib: can anyone take on Trump without alienating his supporters?

Todd: who are his supporters?

Seib: authoritarian frustrated angry white men

Matthews: it's not just angry white men
– it's people like me who feel the elites 
have betrayed the little guy

Parker: everyone will attack Trump and not Jeb Bush

Todd: we shall see

Todd: OMG Joe Biden is thinking of running for President!

Todd: Hillary's numbers are dropping and Biden is more popular than ever!

Todd: is there room for the Vice 
President to run?

Wasserman-Schultz: well sure but 
give him some space – his son just died

Todd: he's a potential candidate!

Wasserman-Schultz: of course

Todd: what do you make us Bernie Sanders?

Wasserman-Schultz: all Democrats speak to issues popular with the American people

Todd: okay

Wasserman-Schultz: Republicans think Mexicans are rapists and would use
Americans soldiers to shoot women
trying to get an abortion

Todd: what is the difference between a Democrat and a socialist?

Wasserman-Schultz: Democrat want to help the middle class and the GOP is going to nominate a crazed billionaire

Todd: right

Wasserman-Schultz: they hate gays and
abortion and immigrants and poor people

Todd: when are the Democratic debates?

Wasserman-Schultz: soon

Todd: what about August?

Wasserman-Schultz: nothing 
ever happens in August!

[ break ]

Todd: why didn't she answer my
question on what socialism is?

Matthews: they don't want to alienate
Bernie Sanders' crazy socialist supporters

Matthews: it's harder to explain
progressivism and than being conservative
where you just hate everything 
and if you don't want to invade 
other countries you're Hitler

Todd: is Biden going to run?

Cooper: it's one thing to talk
to your family about running
and it's another to actually run

Todd: are Democrats getting
nervous about Hillary?

Seib: some family members want
him to run but others don't want
his career to end on a loss

Todd: is Hillary planting these
stories to smoke Biden out?

Parker: oooh that would be so sneaky

Todd: I love it!

Parker: people like Joe Biden precisely
because he's not running

Matthews: don't underestimate
Joe Biden – he's not just a cuddly grandpa

Todd: he's feels ready to be President

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Chief Ramsey

Todd: yet again a body cam
shows a white a cop killing
an unarmed black man

Todd: suddenly everyone agrees
cops should wear body cameras

Ramsey: I agree but it's pretty expensive

Todd: have we been recruiting unstable
wackos and giving them guns?

Ramsey: in retrospect that
might have been a bad idea

Todd: why would a young
black person want to be cop?

Ramsey: that's good question

Todd: so much for diversity

Ramsey: I became a cop during the
turmoil of the 60s and my friends
thought I was nuts

Todd: and look at you now

Ramsey: right now cops have
a bad image across America

Todd: how do you fix that?

Ramsey: we never hear about
all the people cops don't murder

Todd: good point

Ramsey: we need get rid of
cops who are in the job to kill people

Todd: do cops lie to protect other cops?

Ramsey: well sure but that happens
in other professions all the time –
doctors commit perjury for other
doctors who kill people

Todd: they do?

Ramsey: lawyers cover for other lawyers
who frame innocent people and journalists
even provide cover for unethical
reporters in rival organizations

Todd: touche!

[ break ]

Todd: there's another crazy
non-politician running for President

Todd: how crazy is he? He was once
played in a movie by Cuba Gooding Jr

Todd: what do want to 
accomplish in the debate?

Carson: people always ask me 
to look at their rash and I hope to 
be asked about things like ISIS 
and not just that lump in your neck

Todd: you and Donald Trump
are both not politicians –
does he help or hurt you?

Carson: he helps me because 
he's so crazy he makes me look sane

Todd: I see 
Carson: I hope he keeps saying nutty things

Todd: you called Black Lives Matter silly

Carson: it's political correctness run amok!

Todd: there's a phrase I haven't heard in a while

Carson: but it's bad that the number
one cause of death for a young black man is homicide

Todd: but wait I thought all lives matter

Carson: they do

Todd: but you brought up black men
isn't that being politically correct?

Carson: I always like to point out
to people what if we removed the
police for 24 hours there would be chaos

Todd: wow I never thought of that –
you are so wise to point out to people
we shouldn't get rid of all police

Carson: right we need to be more mature

Carson: if a plumber does a bad
job do we say let's go kill all plumbers?

Todd: whoa calm down Ben

Carson: I'm against plumber-murder

Todd: do you support amnesty for immigrants?

Carson: I know some idiots say
we got to round em up all they have
no idea what they are talking about

Todd: you're soft on immigrants

Carson: look I'd love to arrest 11 million
people but it would be too expensive
Todd: so what's your plan?

Carson: we should allow immigrants
to be permanent guest workers

Todd: interesting idea

Carson: that way we would have all
the benefits of their labor but they
would have none of the rights

Todd: it's a win-win

Carson: if the guest workers
want citizenship they have to get
behind everyone else in the world

Todd: that's amnesty

Carson: maybe but it's practical

Todd: does the Bible have
authority over the Constitution?

Carson: it would be depend on
which passage of the Bible you're
talking about and which part of the Constitution

Todd: it would?

Carson: like are we talking about
one of the important passages or
one of the ones we all ignore

Todd: I think I understand

Carson: like supposedly god
banned shellfish but that was before
they invented lobster in melted butter

Todd: you can't say no to that

Carson: or the ban on cruel and unusual 
punishment which was written before 
we found out waterboarding protects 
us from balsa wood planes carrying anthrax

Todd: those are all good points

[ break ]

Todd: don't count out Donald Trump –
this country elected Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Jesse Ventura

Parker: if I were Jeb Bush I would
continue to be Ronald Reagan

Matthews: Donald Trump should
be careful – Megan Kelly will cut you

Cooper: I can't believe this
is actually happening

Seib: do we really want Donald
Trump with his finger on the button?

Todd: the Cold War is over Gerry

Seib: if we put Trump in charge of
getting ISIS we'll end up with 75,000
troops in the middle east

Todd: that's what Republican voters want!

Seib: oh shit

Todd: what happened to media
darlings Marco Rubio and Rand Paul?

Parker: Trump happened
Matthews: someone will pick up
Trump's voters when he implodes

Todd: who gets his votes?

Matthews: Kasich or Walker

Todd: you're a whig!

Matthews: no!

Todd: yes you are! You're a whig!

Matthews: ha!

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

No comments: