Sunday, August 23, 2015

George Stephanopoulos – August 23, 2015

Jon Karl
Tom Llamos
Rebecca Jarvis
Donald Trump
Gov. Scott Walker (R-WI)

Stephanopoulos: OMG Joe Biden

had a meeting with Elizabeth Warren!

Karl: this is very big news!
Warren could beat Hillary!

Stephanopoulos: oh wow!

Karl: although Warren isn't going to run!

Stephanopoulos: gosh darn

Karl: the Clinton e-mails!
It's a scandal I tell you!

Karl: no one trusts Hillary!
Everyone loves Joe Biden!

Stephanopoulos: is Biden
going to run or not?

Karl: Biden can wait until October

Stephanopoulos: I see

Karl: Biden has to get in now!

Stephanopoulos: I don't understand

[ break ]

Llamos: omg Donald Trump is a rock star!

Llamos: he's beating Jeb Bush in Florida!

Trump: illegal gangs shot Trayvon Martin!

Jeb: Trump is a liberal!

Fiorina: he's a Democrat!

Carson: I like Donald Trump –
he's an unqualified crazy person
and I can relate to that

Walker: I'm not taking a
position on that or anything else

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome Donald Trump

Trump: just get to the
softball questions Tiny

Stephanopoulos: would Joe Biden
be a tough candidate to beat?

Trump: no but Hillary is a criminal!

Stephanopoulos: deporting 11 million
people would cost $500 billion

Trump: Jeb Bush is weak
and soft and an idiot

Stephanopoulos: okay

Trump: we need a wall!

Stephanopoulos: okay but-

Trump: we must have a really big wall!

Stephanopoulos: but how do you pay for it?

Trump: there are 30 million illegal rapists!

Stephanopoulos: well that might
be a bit exagerr-

Trump: we have no idea how
many there are – maybe there are 50 million!

Stephanopoulos: so if you don't know
how many there are how do you find
and deport 50 million people?

Trump: it's called 'management' George!

Stephanopoulos: but how specifically?

Trump: manage-fucking-ment!

Stephanopoulos: yes but

Trump: we can deport all of them
and then let the good ones back in –
am I the only smart one in Ameirca?

Stephanopoulos: sounds like a plan

Trump: how can we have a country
without enforcing all of our laws?

Stephanopoulos: does that 
apply to Wall Street?

Trump: Mexican gang members
killed Mike Brown!

Stephanopoulos: not sure about that

Trump: can you believe that border
agents need a reason to shoot people!

Stephanopoulos: it does so seem
contrary to most police practice

Trump: Obama doesn't have a clue!

Stephanopoulos: so it would seem

Trump: either we start shooting
people or we don't have a country!

Stephanopoulos: Jeb likes immigrants

Trump: ugh that moron – the last
thing we need is another Bush

Stephanopoulos: Scott Walker
is talking like you now

Trump: Scott Walker is another stupid person

Stephanopoulos: how specifically
do you round up 30 million people

Trump: I'll do it right with great people

Stephanopoulos: so no specifics

Trump: Bush is soft and flabby
and squishy and has no energy!

Stephanopoulos: what about the economy?

Trump: if the debt gets to over 20 trillion sell!

Stephanopoulos: you're mean to Jeb Bush

Trump: I think he's a very nice
person just big weak walking baby

Stephanopoulos: what failure in
life taught you the most?

Trump: I have no failures in life George!

Stephanopoulos: none at all?

Trump: even my disasters
are great successes

Stephanopoulos: fascinating

Trump: most people are losers
and failures unlike me

Stephanopoulos: are you
worried about Scott Walker

Trump: Wisconsin is a total disaster

Stephanopoulos: but they
have cheese and beer

Trump: it's a nice place but
he's a terrible Governor

Stephanopoulos: that sounds right

Trump: I like Scott Walker very
much but he's horrible

Stephanopoulos: you don't
give good compliments

Trump: people want real change and
not Obamachange which is bad change

Stephanopoulos: well put

Trump: people want America great again!

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome Governor Walker

Walker: good morning Jim

Stephanopoulos: Donald Trump
says you are a terrible Governor

Walker: those are Democratic talking points!

Stephanopoulos: but is it true?

Walker: I fixed the deficit and
paved some roads –
what more do people want?

Stephanopoulos: I really don't know

Walker: the American people
want real leadership like a a bill
to repeal Obamacare on Obama's desk!

Stephanopoulos: I'm pretty sure
Obama would veto it

Walker: I'm not intimidated by the
liberals or unions or brainiacs with facts

Stephanopoulos: the 14th Amendment
says if all people born in the US are citizens

Walker: Obama is a emperor
and a dictator!

Stephanopoulos: but a handsome man

Walker: we need a humble President
who will shoot people on the border!

GS: what about the 14th Amendment?

Walker: e-verify!

Stephanopoulos: do you want to
repeal the 14th Amendment or not?

Walker: secure the border!

Stephanopoulos: will you answer the question?

Walker: I got death threats from the unions!

Stephanopoulos: all right let's move on

Walker: secure the border!

Stephanopoulos: you would replace
Obamacare with tax cuts for rich people

Jindal: that would cost a trillion dollars!

Walker: my plan is the best plan

Stephanopoulos: oh okay then

Walker: it's about freedom

Stephanopoulos: freedom is good

Walker: I will repeal Obamacare
during my inaugural address

Stephanopoulos: that's a 
pretty bold statement

Walker: well the ACA needs to go

Stephanopoulos: no I mean the
idea that you could ever be inaugurated

Walker: under my plan you don't
have to buy health insurance if
you don't want to!

Stephanopoulos: what a relief

Walker: it's a massive tax cut
which is tax-neutral

Stephanopoulos: what about
the Clinton e-mails?

Walker: Hillarycare is for rich people!

Stephanopoulos: rich people are so bad

Walker: she put your
children's lives in danger!

Stephanopoulos: strong words

Walker: she's the Deceiver-in-Chief!

Stephanopoulos: clever Scott

Walker: woot

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming

Walker: you too James

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: omg American heroes
stopped a terrorist on a train in France

Wright: with no regard for their
own safety they leapt into action

Stephanopoulos: mon dieu!

Wright: they're like superheroes

Stephanopoulos: sacre bleu

Wright: he came out of
the bathroom with an AK-47

Hero: we saw the gun and we
were all like 'let's go get this dipshit'

Hero: as Americans we're
used to seeing people with
machine guns so it's no big deal

British Hero: it all went a 
bit wobbly and then I said 
'truly sorry old chap but I have 
to subude you hope it's all right
mate' and then we were all 
chippers and whiskers

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: why did the 
stock market crashing?

Jarvis: interest rates might rise

Stephanopoulos: what happens on Monday?

Jarvis: predictions are hard – 
especially about the future

Stephanopoulos: I've heard heard that

Jarvis: then there's China – 
those people are craaazy

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