Friday, February 01, 2008

Democratic Debate - January 31, 2008

Democratic Debate
Los Angeles, California
January 31, 2008
Host: Leslie “Wolf” Blitzer
Senator Hillary Clinton
Senator Barack Obama

Obama: i'm black and proud – i like hillary but we can't look back - it's the past vs. the future and guess which one I am

Wolf: i know! i know!

Obama: we will always be friends when i am president if ever need an old person's advice i will call hillary

Clinton: after all the celebrating over the history of electing a black guy you'll find a heap of problems and this good-looking well-spoken kid next to me is not ready to handle them

Wolf: and you are?

Clinton: damm right i rode herd over Bill for eight years and that wasn't easy

Politico dood: what's the worst thing about Obama's policies

Clinton: well first we agree that the GOP sucks ass but i like health care and i take housing seriously and i also think that there are evil mustchaed men posing serious threats to us and i wouldn't grovel before them

Politco: you sound like a Republican

Clinton: no way there are no girls allowed at simi valley

Obama: Hillary and Romney think that the reason people don't have health care is that the government hasn't ordered them to go out and buy it - well i disagree

Wolf: but people love ERs - you ever see that tv show? there's lots of sex there

Obama: i don't like the interest rate freeze - that screws people not in arms now

Wolf: what happened with housing anyway?

Obama: lobbyists bought and paid for the US government

Wolf: oh

Obama: she brought up foreign policy so i will point out that she is unapologetic hawk and yes i do favor not bombing people but meeting with them - deal with it

Question: but why not force people to buy health insurance

Obama: hey under mandates people will also go without health insurance and as i said the real issue is people who can't afford it’s not people who are dodging it

Clinton: i tried to get people health in rural Arkansas and that wasn't easy

Leslie: so true

Clinton: i learned my lesson from 1993 we will offer choice but also we will make it affordable by handing out subsidies called tax credits

Leslie: neat-o

Clinton: and then there are the lazy uninsured fuckers

Clinton: you must start with universal health care or else be nibbled to death by ducks

Leslie: Obama what about the lazy fuckers???

Obama: she says she has enough subsidies well she doesn't and we have to lower premiums or else all this is moot

Leslie: thats a funny word

Obama: Ted Kennedy has 45 years experience and he endorsed me

Leslie: yeah but only because she dissed his brother

Hillary: thats a lie

Obama: look on C-SPAN

Wolf: is that a swipe at Hillary

Obama: oh sure dumbass

Clinton: remember when bill was president - i did a lot of the good things that you recall

Obama: da bulls

Clinton: i will demand insurance companies cover pre-existing conditions

Wolf: including wolf-man syndrome?

Hillary: oh yes its under Section 1002.75(b) "Lycanthropy"

Clinton: i will take on this insurance companies and win

Wolf: this time

Clinton: uh yeah

Politico Guy: you are tax 'n spenders

Obama: from the borrow-and-spend GOP that's rich

[ yay! ]

Obama: the Strait Talk Express got derailed and Sen Rodent hugged the big spender

[ applause ]

Obama: i will close tax loopholes and give tax cuts to poor people that's balance

[ hillary writing: f u c k e r ]

Clinton: i would modernize hospitals like our doctors still where that shiny round thing on their heads - what is that anyway???

Wolf: beats me

Clinton: and that rubber mallet and those wooden sticks

Wolf: Ahhhh

Clinton: electronic medical records would save money and improve health care

Obama: improving doctors handwriting would save 10,000 lives per year

Clinton: i worked with Newt Gingrich and Bill Frist

Obama: Frist!!

Clinton: speaking of taxes we will go to the Clinton tax rates which rocked

Host: please pit Latino vs. Black

Obama: what they have in common is getting fucked by The Man

Host: no no where's the hate???

Obama: you’re scapegoating the hate was back in Simi Valley

Rodney King: damm right

Clinton: people have been losing their really cushy jobs at meat processing plants

Wolf: sounds sweet

Obama: teh Jungle dood

Clinton: we have to tighten our precious broders and crack down on employers

Wolf: deport millions?

Clinton: that’s the gop alternate universe crazy man

Wolf: aww too bad

Clinton: make the 12 million pay taxes learn english and get in line

[ muted applause ]

Clinton: but no drivers licenses!!

Obama: i worked with Ted Kennedy and John McCain

Wolf: Borat is she inhumane?

Obama: dood people don't come here to drive - they come to work

Clinton: puh-leez i represent Lady Liberty

Wolf: i love that basketball team

Clinton: i've been fighting on this and i take this personally because my ancestors were illegal immigrants

Wolf: wetbacks?

Clinton: Mayflower dood

Wolf: Hillary if you care so much why not let the brown people have drivers licenses

Hillary: well that would be dangerous because mexicans are bad drivers

Obama: whatever - the point is you held my position too

Clinton: you flip flopped too- but not on teevee

Obama: that's how cool i am darlin’

McManus: Hillary says she has more experience and a lot of americans agree

Obama: well not everyone agrees idiot

McManus: whoa don't stab me negro

Obama: when hillary was playing guard dog for Bill i was a state legislator and organizer and i got shit done or i wouldn't have been elected to the damm senate

Clinton: let me go back to my first year out of law school

Wolf: oh boy

Clinton: i helped prisoners, disabled kids, hicks in Arkansas and turned Wal Mart into global juggarnaut

Leslie: awesome

Clinton: i fucked up health care when i was co president but i pressured Macedonia and China on female rights

[ yay!! ]

Host: america is a business and why should you be CEO?

Clinton: bush as a ceo presnit and look what we got - america is not a business

Obama: Romeny is a sucky money man he blew $200 million on a losing campaign

[audience laughs ]

McManus: Kennedy hates you

Hillary: no rose and ethel and kathleen support me

Doyle: only the gurls

Hillary: JFK was another happy horndog like my husband and this about the women out there who want to use this election to exact just a tiny little bit of payback to all the men who fucked them over in their lives

[audience: yay!! ]

Clinton: no one else wil be on the ballot

Gravel: Hey!
Wolf: but the Clinton years was good!

Obama: dood Bill was presnit not Hillary and we need to reach higher and higher

Wolf: amen!

Obama: Bush sucks and we need to ask who can inspire the American people me who Hillary Rodham Rove over there

Clinton: grrrrrr

Obama: only i can attract new and young voters

Clinton: I haz ovaryz

Question: r u part of a Bush-Clinton dynasty

Hillary: hey i hate bush but we created 20 million new jobs and Bill cleaned up after Bush I it makes sense for another Clinton to clean up after Bush II: The Nightmare Years

[audience: yay ]

James Bond: i'd hit it

Doyle McM: Obama wants to pull out of Iraq and you don’t

Hillary: i want to bring our men and equipment out but we have an obligation to Blackwater and our drivers and translators who will be killed if we leave

Wolf: so sad it used to be such a nice war

Hillary: i know it's not a good answer but at least neither of us is George W Bush

Wolf: I can tell you are making sense

Obama: China is threatening, Pakistan's got the bomb, Afghanistan is disentigrating...

Wolfie: u r scaring me

Obama: i care about iraqi civilians but what about 4 million reufgees

Wolf: teh fugees!

Obama: but no mission creep

Wolf: but the iranians-

Obama: -already have a puppet regime thanks to Stupid

Wolf: but but

Obama: only i can make the Iraq argument because i want to end the hillary mindset that is pro-war

Wolf: Hillary that was a swipe at you

Hillary: no shit Sherlock
Clinton: i want underscore several points at once so i can be hawkish and dovish all at the same time

Wolf: my haid is spinning

Clinton: bush wants to stay 100 years -- he's crazy and must be stopped

Politico: why not vote for UN inspectors then

Clinton: i gave Bush authority to attack Iraq to support continued inspections

audience: oh

Clinton: i wanted to limit the authority of the UN and Stupid

Wolf: but McCain says you want to surrender

Clinton: see that's why you can't vote for Obama - he has no gravitas

Wolf: Hillary what is 'gravitas' ?

Clinton: it means you want to kill brown people

Wolf: you want us to fail black man?

Obama: death rates are back to 2005 levels well whoop-dee-fucking-doo

Leslie: please your language

Obama: sorry if mass death offends you

[Leslie strokes beard]

Obama: gravitas is being serious about war and not rushing into getting involved in a land war in Asia

Wolf: Hillary was your vote for war a mistake

Clinton: no i did due dilligence and Saddam has a scary mustache and i hoped it would work

Obama: hope monger!

Clinton: no one could have anticipated that Bush would use force against Iraq if he was given an authorization to use force

Wolf: is Obama right

Clinton: no i am strong and willing to bomb anyone anywhere and that's a winning argument

Wolf: being wrong on Iraq makes you right

Clinton: welcome to Washington D.C. Leslie

Leslie: so i hear you saying that you were naive to trust George W Bush??

[ BOOO ]

Clinton: oh nice try Wolfie

Leslie: was she naive Obama

Obama: oh no way dood

Clinton: Saddam was a bad guy after bad things and he was very jealous of all the attention that Osama was getting

Obama: jeebus an authoization to use force means the dood is going to use force -- it's important to be *right* on Day One

Wolf: when we come back -- we attack Democrats character!!

McManus: is there too much sex and violence from Hollywood?

Obama: my daughters showed my all the racy stuff on tv - but we need to give the parents the tools they need

Doyle: like the off switch?

Obama: hollywood needs to zip it with these crazy slasher flicks and other offensive shows

Doyle: like what

Obama: American Idol

Q: can you control bill and will he be being having a lot of sex with interns in the white house

Hillary: ha ha ha ha

Q: no really

Hillary: i'm thrilled to have the endorsement of Bill and Chelsea and Monica - but in the end i alone will make the decision to invade iran

Wolf: You are the Dream Ticket will you run together?

[ Josh Lyman from the West Wing: yay]

Obama: way premature but i want really excellent strong people and not pansy yes-men like Bush has had

[ hillary nods ]

Clinton: what he said

[ha ha]

Clinton: i'm not considering it because i am going to win this thing baby

Wolf: you sound confident

Clinton: watch the Hallmark Channel i'm having a tupperware party monday night

[Obama pulls out Hillary's chair ]

Wolf: that sounds like fun - and good night

1 comment:

Michael Fountain: Blood for Ink said...

I've been an Obama supporter, but if she's promising coverage for lycanthropy...