Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Meet The Press – October 25, 2015

Dr. Ben Carson
Rep. Trey Gowdy
Rep. Elijah Cummings
Jon Harwood
Doris Keans Goodwin
Jennifer Rubin
Stephen Henderson

Todd: OMG it was the most important 
10 days since 1917!

Todd: Joe Biden dropped out!

Todd: Hillary Clinton thrived at 
the Benghazi hearing!

Todd: and Jeb's campaign is failing!

Jeb: I've got better things to do than –
vote for Trump you ingrateful fuckers

Todd: we're 99 days away from Iowa!

Todd: the smarty-pants crowd
is confused by Carson

Trump: Ben Carson is beating
me but he's sleepy

Todd: Donald Trump attacked
your weird religion

Carson: I don't get into the mud pit

Todd: he says you have no energy

Carson: I spent 20 hours in surgery

Todd: were you awake?

Carson: but I am relaxed – I was once volatile

Todd: oh really

Carson: I used to throw bricks at people
and once tried to stab someone

Todd: that's pretty hard core Ben

Carson: I'm a different person now

Todd: why do you always use Nazi metaphors

Carson: Jewish people tell me
they love my Nazi metaphors

Todd: they do?

Carson: it's the media who try to 
stir things up just because you 
call someone Hitler

Todd: so you really believe Jews could
have stopped the Holocaust if hey had guns?

Carson: tyrants always disarm people
so they can dominate people

Todd: so should citizens have rocket
launchers to overthrow the government

Carson: of course otherwise we 
will have absolute tyranny

Todd: really?

Carson: yes but we should
forcibly disarm crazy people

Todd: so sane people should
have any weapons at all

Carson: of course

Todd: what about surface to air missiles?

Carson: there are laws about that

Todd: well that's my point

Carson: right

Todd: okay

Carson: exactly

Todd: does life begin at conception?
Carson: I think so

Todd: who has greater rights – the 
zygote or the woman?

Carson: ideally there would never 
be abortion

Todd: okay

Carson: it's perverted to think women
have a right to abortion

Todd: so you think there is no right to abortion?

Carson: none at all

Todd: I see

Carson: women enslave their embryos!

Todd: would you make all abortion
illegal with no exception?

Carson: that sounds right

Todd: what about to save the
life and health of the mother?

Carson: possibly

Todd: how about rape or and incest

Carson: you don't kill a baby for that!

Todd: got it

Carson: what if that baby grew up
to be heroic politician who found to
restrict individual rights?

Todd: what's your health care plan?

Carson: Medicare and Medicaid
hold people back from success!

Todd: some people like them

Carson: I don't want to get rid of them –
I just want to get of the need for them

Todd: how do you do that

Carson: we give people cash

Todd: cash is good

Carson: we allow people to shift cash around

Todd: you would eliminate insurance companies?

Carson: no because you would still
need to buy a cheap catastrophic plan

Todd: so where does the cash come from?

Carson: we take it Medicaid and Medicare

Todd: would you hire a surgeon who
never had any experience in medicine
and if not why should Americans make you President?

Carson: our government was set up to 
be run at an 8th grade level

Todd: maybe

Carson: experience is useless – 
common sense is much better

Todd: perhaps

Carson: plus I will surround
myself with experienced people

Todd: good idea

Carson: I'm always thinking

Todd: thanks for coming Doc

Carson: you too Charles

[ break ]

Todd: we got fresh polls!

Todd: which party is in the mainstream?
Surprise! It's the Democrats

Todd: Independents agree with
Democrats on everything but guns

Todd: on the other hand people
really really love guns

Todd: omg everyone agrees
Hillary ruled the Benghazi hearings

Todd: good morning Rep Gowdy

Gowdy: uuugh

Todd: you grilled Hillary Clinton
for 11 hours and didn't learn anything new

Gowdy: well there are several tranches

Todd: which tranche cover 'epic fuck-up'

Gowdy: she didn't take responsibility!

Todd: oh alll right

Gowdy: the penulitmate objective
is to avoid another Benghazi

Todd: you seem obsessed with Sidney Blumenthal

Gowdy: no she was obsessed with him!

Todd: of course

Gowdy: he was writing to her about Libya!

Todd: got it

Gowdy: why did he have unfettered
access to her! Where were the fetters??

Todd: but you never even asked 
about Libya policy in general

Gowdy: Susan Brooks did ask about her piles

Todd: but Susan Brooks also
lied during the hearing

Gowdy: nobody's perfect

Todd: true enough

Gowdy: Clinton said Blumenthal's
e-mails were unsolicited!

Todd: do you regret grilling her
for eleven hours on live television

Gowdy: hey nobody forced her to come!

Todd: oh I see

Gowdy: we only bicker on live television

Todd: you think television adds to grandstanding?

Gowdy: of course it does

Todd: how sad for you

Gowdy: I wanted it to be secret hearing
but that stupid Hillary Clinton wanted
the American people see the truth

Todd: was Hillary Clinton a cooperative witness?

Gowdy: no because she lied

Todd: thanks for coming Tray

Gowdy: aargh

[ break ]

Todd: the Democrats didn't challenge Hillary Clinton!

Cummings: we're interested in the truth!

Todd: Trey wanted the hearings in secret
and hidden from the people as befitting
a great democracy

Cummings: frankly unlike Trey Gowdy
I'm glad the hearings were public and
not done in private

Todd: you're objectively pro-democracy

Cummings: the families begged us to
make sure this wasn't a political football

Todd: Hillary told Chelsea it was al-qaeda
but told the public it was about an internet video

Cummings: that's because that night
al-qaeda took credit for it and then the
CIA said it was about a video

Todd: will Democrats quit the 
committee in protest?

Cummings: no because we need
Democrats in the room to defend the truth!

Todd: of course you do

Cummings: let's release all the transcripts!
Let the people see what this has been all about!

Todd: are you running for the Senate in Maryland?

Cummings: well I'm leading in the polls and I'm not even running

Todd: impressive – most impressive

Cummings: but first I gotta ask Trey Gowdy
when this damn Benghazi committee is
going to wrap up its witch hunt

Todd: I notice you do keep track of the polls though

Cummings: oh you gotta do that Chuck!

Todd: indeed you do – thanks for coming!

Cummings: thank you T-man!

[ break ]

Todd: in ten days Clinton tightened
her grip on the White House

Todd: this was the month she won the Presidency

Todd: in September everyone was
writing her off

Todd: then won the first Democratic debate
and Joe Biden dropped out and then won
an eleven-hour hearing

Todd: she looked polished and Presidential

Gowdy: I had a rough Thursday

Todd: it looks like Clinton is in it to win
and no one and nothing can stop her

[ break ]

Todd: welcome panelists

Todd: Jeb Bush said he's got better things
to do than listening to people demonize
him and everyone elect Trump

Goodwin: to be elected President you have
to show strength and optimism not whining and complaining

Hardwood: he sounds like weasel

Todd: the American people want an outsider

Rubin: Bush acts petty and put-upon

Todd: it's not an act

Rubin: he's befuddled and unhappy because
he felt he should have made President by universal acclaim

Henderson: Ben Carson is getting lots of small donations

Todd: Trump loved polls when he was leading
and now he's coming in second he's attacking the pollsters

Todd: then he attacked Ben Carson's
weird religion on their sabbath

Goodwin: can you win an election without
proving yourself unworthy of the office?

Todd: speaking of that – Trump still leads

Hardwood: and yet he's panicking
over one poll in one small state

Todd: who cares about Iowa anyway?

Rubin: Trump does because
he needs to be the alpha dog

Todd: he attacked Ben Carson's religion

Henderson: that was un-American

Todd: is the real winner Marco Rubio?

Hardwood: the nominee will probably
an insider with some minimal qualifications
and the person most likely to fill that 
gap is Rubio

Todd: Bernie Sanders is going directly
after Hillary Clinton saying she's
unprincipled and lacks judgment

Henderson: where was he during the debate?

Todd: is he Barack Hussein Obama
or is he Gene Hussein McCarthy?

Goodwin: he's should say he's going
to bring the outside and insider together
like abolitionists did

Goodwin: Clinton is shedding her former
sense of entitlement and is now a fighter

Todd: what does her new status 
do to the Republicans?

Rubin: the GOP now know they need to
nominate someone articulate and who
is not a total crazy person

Todd: Mitt Romney?

[ laughter ]

Todd: this week Romney endorsed
Obamacare then immediately backtracked

Hardwood: jesus what an idiot

Todd: why can't he just be himself –

Henderson: right – he's not even 
running for anything

Todd: or maybe he is!

[ laughter ]

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

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