Sunday, May 30, 2010

Meet The Press - May 30, 2010

Bob Dudley (Managing Director BP)
Carol Browner - White House Energy Adviser
Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL)
Fmr. Rep. J.D. Hayworth (R-AZ)
David Brooks
E.J. Dionne

Gregory: so what went wrong dickhead

Dudley: the BP flower is the Mark of the Beast

Gregory: what happened to Top Kill Vol. 2 ?

Dudley: the Smoke Monster attacked us!

Gregory: so will the next step will work?

Dudley: really we have no idea - the robots are charge now

Gregory: when will we learn that your next
effort has failed?

Dudley: we should confirm our next failure in
about seven days

Gregory: how much oil are you spilling into the Gulf?

Dudley: somewhere between A Motherfucking Lot
and a Giant Shitload

Gregory: why so slow?

Dudley: we don’t want to make things worse

Gregory: worse? How could things be worse?

Dudley: our next move will crack the earth’s
crust and unleash the minions of satan from the
depths of hell

Gregory: it seems you are incompetent idiots who ruined America and had no plan at all

Dudley: no we had a plan to deny everything - it worked great until the oil washed up on shore

Gregory: did you lie to everyone

Dudley: look we’re frustrated too - did you know
oil is very slippery?!?

Gregory: I did actually

Dudley: ooh look at the big brain on Greggers

Gregory: should BP CEO Tony Heyward resign for destroying his company and a regional economy

Dudley: Tony Heyward is doing an awesome
job dodging responsibility for wrecking thousands of lives

[ break ]

Gregory: well that was a pretty fucking astonishing interview

Browner: it’s infuriating - this spill is destroying
a whole region

Gregory: what do we do now?

Browner: suck up all the oil with a giant straw

Gregory: who will do that?

Browner: Superman?

Gregory: but he’s not real

Browner: in theory maybe

Gregory: so assuming Superman is fiction the oil
will continue to spill until August of 2015

Browner: in that case the beaches will be re-designated “Free Oil National Park”

Gregory: excellent

Browner: once we capture the oil we can
put the oil on trial

Gregory: how bad is this?

Browner: this is biggest disaster in American history

Gregory: worse than the Civil War or the
Bush administration?

Browner: ok biggest environmental disaster

Gregory: so how do we fix it?

Browner: burn it and skim it

Gregory: is Team Obama making a big show
of being in charge?

Browner: make no mistake we’re calling the shots

Gregory: what about that $75 million cap

Browner: fuck that cap - they will pay for the motherfucking damages!

Gregory: the Republicans says Obama isn’t
socialist enough and doesn’t regulate businesses strongly enough

Browner: oh that’s just fucking rich

Gregory: but the spill is Emperor Obama’s fault

Browner: hey Big Business caused this fucking spill and the liberals are going to have clean this up

Gregory: why didn’t Obama tell BP to have a contingency plan when he was inaugurated?

Browner: the tales of your being a moron were
not exaggerated

Gregory: but he could have personally reviewed
every permit

Browner: look Obama broke up MMS

Gregory: but he should have planned for
a disaster when he was sworn in!

Browner: well he prevented Sarah Palin from becoming VP!

Gregory: maybe 5,000 feet is just too
deep to drill offshore

Browner: yeah maybe!

Gregory: so why don’t stop it?

Browner: we shut down 33 rigs Fluffy!

Gregory: ok

[ break ]

Gregory: let’s talk about illegal immigration

Gutierrez: we need a holistic approach - hell most so-called illegal immigrants didn’t sneak over - they just overstayed their visa

Hayworth: Soldiers changing oil is cosmetic

Gregory: righty-o

Hayworth: it’s not only about Mexicans - it’s all
those other brown people!

Gregory: it’s about American businesses needing and hiring these immigrants

Hayworth: we need soldiers to roam America demanding papers or we will all live in anarchy!!

Gutierrez: we should put employers in jail for hiring illegal immigrants - but immigrants are not going to disappear like Henriquez Potter!

Gregory: people support the Arizona law

Gutierrez: that’s because people are bunch of thick-headed fuckers

Gregory: well sure

Gregory: J.D. how do cops determine reasonable suspicion if not by race?

Hayworth: people are trying to attack Arizona just because they wrote a blatantly racist law - it’s not fair

Gutierrez: the fucking law makes demanding citizenship a requirement JD!!

Gregory: good point

Gutierrez: Latinos fought our wars and they want
to pay taxes and be good citizens!

Hayworth: All we are saying is
Give Racism a Chance

Gregory: you and McCain supported amnesty -
are you two trying to out-crazy each other to win the GOP nomination?

Hayworth: after 9/11 I realized we had to go after Hispanics with soldiers on American streets

Gregory: please bash Obama for me

Gutierrez: I worked with McCain before he went batshit insane

Gregory: well Obama sent 1,200 troops

Gutierrez: whoop de frickin’ doo!

[ break ]

Gregory: this oil spill comes down to one thing:
what does Obama’s daughter want us to do?

Dionne: the real problem is that big companies apparently have no plan in case they totally fuck up

Brooks: this disaster proves that conservatives are right - there are limits to what government can do to fix the disasters caused by conservatives

Gregory: how can Obama let this oil spill continue
to happen??

Dionne: the lesson here is we need more fucking regulation of oil companies!!

Gregory: incredibly Sestak was offered an unpaid job to leave a political race

Dionne: the lesson here is that Joe Sestak is
kind of a dickhead

Gregory: is that all?

Dionne: also that you’re a moron Fluffy

Gregory: ha ha

Gregory: Tim Pawlenty says economic growth
is phony

Dionne: that’s hilarious

Gregory: ha ha

Dionne: moron


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Gregory: this oil spill comes down to one thing:
what does Obama’s daughter want us to do?

I've heard that Greggers is a moron...

Noam Sane said...

Another classic. Gotta laugh so I don't cry. Thanks CoT.

sukabi said...

It sounds from your translation that Fluffy didn't suck quite as much in the first half as is his norm... but he TOTALLY made up for it in the last half.

Thank you for translating so I wouldn't be tempted to watch. Much more illuminating than the real thing.

Spocko said...

The robots are in charge.ha! Sweet! Thanks CoT!

Anonymous said...

I watched the show. This is right on target. Could have saved myself from wasting that hour.

Chris W. Martinez said...

Thank you for once again sparing me from having to watch. Very funny, too.

Anonymous said...

Heya CoT! Fishgrease here (of DKos Boomer fame). I NEVER miss me a CoT Sunday translation! Best. Thing. There. Is!

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