Sunday, June 06, 2010

ABC's This Week with Jake Tapper - June 6, 2010

June 6, 2010
Adm. Thad Allen (Cmdr. Coast Guard)
John Kerry (D-MA)
John Cornyn (R-TX)
George Will
Liz Cheney
Arianna Huffington
Markos Moulitsas

Tapper: Admiral it seems like half
of America is covered in oil

Allen: yep

Tapper: BP claims they are capturing most of the oil

Allen: that’s true unless they are lying

Tapper: uh oh

Tapper: what about using Saudi muslim robots?

Allen: that would never work because
they are not Jesus-approved

Tapper: is there a massive oil spill headed
for my house?

Allen: no

Tapper: oh that’s a relief

Allen: there’s dozens of them

Tapper: yikes

Tapper: have you been too trusting of BP?

Allen: when I ask them for something I get it

Tapper: but they lie to you

Allen: yes I said I get what I want

Tapper: why is this spill so bad?

Allen: it’s really fucking big!

Tapper: why can’t workers talk to the media?

Allen: I issued a directive saying the media has unlimited access except where they don’t

Tapper: ok

Tapper: Sen. Kerry - in less than a 1,000 words -
has Obama been too trusting of BP?

Kerry: oh no we put out some boats out
and it’s all great

Cornyn: I’m sick of politicians giving big unaccountable corporations too much power!

Kerry: oh that’s rich coming from a party that
put two lunatic oil men in the White House

Cornyn: but it’s been 48 days-

Kerry: hey the biggest brains in the world on top of this - they even lowered Stephen Hawking into the wellhead!

Tapper: He’s got you there turtle-man

Kerry: we import more oil than before 9/11 and India is beating us harnessing the Power of Wind!

Tapper: John Kerry knows about wind doesn't he Cornyn

Cornyn: clean power ideas like nuclear power are great but better environmental policies would
kill the American economy

Tapper: of course

Cornyn: let the Japanese hit home runs - America can bunt and hit singles or better still get hit by a Chinese pitch and draw a walk

Kerry: Babe Ruth didn’t call a motherfucking single! And by the way there are no fucking taxes in the
bill shithead!

Tapper: ok let’s move on to something less contentious like Israel killing American citizens
in international waters

Cornyn: oh come on that American provoked Israel by sailing international waters toward another
nation with baby food

Tapper: but Hamas was elected in an election Bush supported

Cornyn: whatever - the ship launched an unprovoked attack on Israel by trying to bring aid into Gaza -
it was like Pearl Harbor with wheelchairs

Tapper: but Hama controls Gaza

Cornyn: but Israel controls the sea

Kerry: Israel has the right to prevent dangerous items from being brought into Gaza

Tapper: what’s dangerous about pasta??

Kerry: hey a fusilli can put your eye out!

Tapper: scary

Kerry: Iran is trying to start a war in the Middle East

Tapper: attacking aid-bringing ships in international waters will surely put a stop to that

Cornyn: right!

Tapper: Cornyn do you have a double standard for Republicans who lie about their war records

Cornyn: oh no I don’t - but Blumenthal was wrong and Kirk is a great guy who just slipped up claiming he fought alongside Patton in Khe Sanh

Kerry: I should’ve just stayed here and gotten my damm medals out of a cracker jack box

Tapper: Rupert Murdoch told me you did

Kerry: ha that’s funny - oh wait it’s not

[ break]

Tapper: the BP CEO says he wants his life back - could he be a bigger asshole?

Will: BP has a fiduciary duty be dickish

Cheney: BP should have a daily briefing where they update people on their lies and failures

Tapper: Spike Lee says Obama should at least utter one “motherfucker” in public - it would feel so good

Moulitsas: Obama is so calm people are afraid yet another corporation is going getting away with pillaging America

Huffington: why does anyone trust BP - they have a terrible track record of ties to evil people like dictators in Nigeria, Iran and even Dick Cheney

Cheney: Obama has been dithering on the oil spill just like on terrorism and not torturing people

Huffington: I agree with Liz that Obama should stop dithering and put Dick Cheney on trial for war crimes

Cheney: Hold on a sec-

Will: Obama’s failure to regulate enough proves
that regulation doesn’t work!

Cheney: Obama caused this oil spill and he must clean it up

Huffington: you lying idiot - Dick Cheney deregulated the oil industry and BP wrecked
the economy!

Cheney: Obama should have stopped them!

Tapper: well he wants to stop offshore oil drilling

Cheney: see he’s an evil job-killing socialist!

Tapper: Hey the Israel National Rappelling Team boarded a ship this week

Cheney: Turkey launched a surprise armed attack on Israel by sailing in international waters with
a boat filled with aid

Moulitsas: look everybody but Deferment Liz knows that Israel totally fucked up

Cheney: Turkey attacked Israel’s ocean

Moulitsas: hey moron Turkey is in NATO and
Israel is not

Will: who cares - the Middle East war will begin soon and then we will have the Rapture and then the Apocalypse

Huffington: People in Gaza are really suffering and Hamas was elected

Tapper: Liz you worked at the State Dept. when Dick supported that election

Cheney: No Dick and I didn’t support that - we wanted to nuke Gaza but we were overruled

Tapper: hey speaking of institutional fuck-ups - this week baseball ruined a perfect game

Will: oh my stars perfection is overrated - look if we start demanding white people get everything right then where will be?

Moulitsas: that will be a slippery slope indeed

Tapper: that sums it up for another episode
of This Week



ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I don't want Liz Cheney on my TV ever again. The fact that I hardly ever turn it on has no bearing on my demands.

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Love your stuff.

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